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In this compact, navigation-heavy leg, we start out with a little bit of airport work, in which Teri demonstrates that Mirna is absolutely no match for anyone who is unfazed by her spazzy freakouts. In the end, a small bunch of teams maneuvers its way onto an earlier flight, including Rob and Amber, Uchenna and Joyce, Bill and Joe, and Eric and Pink. The Roadblock involves plucking many, many flat fish out of a tank, and Pink proves that she is on the wrong show again, while Eric yells about her boobs in a way that Boston Rob finds inappropriately gauche. Think about that for a minute. The clue collected at the Roadblock proves vexing, and Team Guido gets good and lost, only to be saved by Charla and Mirna, of all the weird things. There is shuffling, and there are screw-ups, and Mary and Dave get really confused because she won't let him look at signs, while the BQs have a rare mental lapse and decide that maybe it's okay to go on a task they haven't been told to go on, just because they stumbled on it. Rob and Amber finish first, if you can believe that, and we wind up with a three-way race at the end between Guido, Mirna and Charla, and David and Mary. We come close to getting rid of Charla and Mirna (or my head believes we did), but in the end, David and Mary are sent home three legs too late. While the tasks were good and the teams did well, this leg featured a lot of mental errors of exactly the type you'd expect to see less of now that people are more experienced. It's an odd one, in that regard. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Roadside Yelling: A Non-Love Story: A Roadblock proved that sometimes, you have to look beyond the cute boys and see the writing on the wall. And: word. A construction Detour proved that a woman who can drive a front-loader is a steal at any price. Mirna begged a taxi driver to take her money and let her starve to death, and he kind of wanted out, and so did the BQs. Charla and Mirna decided that everyone but Phil was out to get them, and they just got madder and madder. After some navigation issues and an unfortunate misunderstanding regarding the speed limit, Kevin and Drew found themselves on the bad end of a harsh elimination, and Drew hopefully went somewhere to recuperate and soak his aching everything. Nine teams left. Who will be eliminated... tonight?
Credits. Why does it look wrong to have John Vito pushing Jill in a swing? She's more a "demonstrating gun safety" kind of girl, to me. Or maybe breaking tree limbs with her bare hands.
Commercials. I don't know about their sunless tanner, but I will say this: Oil of Olay makes a pretty nifty facial scrub that emits heat when you put it on. They call it "thermal." I think it might actually be radioactive, but damn, it makes your skin feel good. I tend to cajole people into touching my cheek after I use it.
We are in the desert of northern Chile, which Phil calls an "arid panorama." This is their way of telling you that someone at World Race Productions owns a thesaurus. Anyway, we're in the Valley of the Dead, where the most recently dead, of course, were Kevin and Drew. Phil says the "desolate and forbidding landscape" was the pit stop for the leg. Something very strange is going on with Phil's plaid shirt in this sequence. It looks... a little too small for him, and greasy, and while you think those would be good things, he looks like he got it from a scrawny teenage cousin. You would think they could afford clothes for Phil at this point.
11:39 PM. Rob and Amber, who arrived twelve hours ago complete with booty dancing, are now getting ready to leave. She's sporting the dorky headlamp as they read a clue sending them to the town of San Pedro de Atacama, where there's a church also called San Pedro de Atacama (with any luck, they will be better than first-season racers and realize that where the town and the attraction have the same name, the attraction is probablyin the town), and that's where the clue is. Rob interviews that he and Amber are trying "new things" and "different angles." And he doesn't just mean camera angles. He says they're not really concerned with other racers; they're focused on themselves. And he doesn't just mean as human beings. Amber has some voiceover snippet in which she says she doesn't care whether other teams like them, and Rob says, "I could [sic] care less," although it's not at all clear what he's even talking about.
12:18 AM. Danny and Oswald. Oswald informs us that they are Cubans who came to the United States with nothing, so they will totally step on you, but not in a mean way. I'm not sure how it all holds together, either, but I do like the big star on Oswald's sweatshirt. It's a wonder how much can be smoothed over with the right outfit.
Rob and Amber are already at the church, where they get to the clue box and pull out the clue. It tells them to fly to Puerto Montt, which is 800 miles away. When they get there, they'll choose a marked car and drive 30 miles to Metri, where they'll find a local fishery. The fish used to demonstrate this destination would just like to say, while looking at the camera: "YAAAARGH!"They'll find another clue when they get to the fishery. Rob and Amber find a couple of locals walking near the church in the middle of the night, perhaps looking for absolution or a place to make out, and ask them whether anywhere has internet available at this hour. The lady tells them that there might be, and Rob coaxes her to come along with them. I hope they weren't looking for a place to make out, because if they were, that lady has just been inadvertently cockblocked (or equivalent) by Boston Rob Mariano, and that's something you're better off ensuring does not happen to you. Or so I've heard. You'll notice, of course, that while he prods her to come with him, he doesn't pull her arm out of the socket, Mirna. Who knew he would be the king of respecting other people's bodily integrity?
12:32 AM. Team Guido. They have $37 for the leg. Joe interviews that they're the original fount of all evil (okay, he says something about "godfathers of tough competitors," but he means evil), and that they shouldn't be underestimated just because they're old and gay. I have never seen a show that has had as many good gay players as this show that still is full of people who think they're going to be underestimated for being gay. It's like going on Top Model and being like, "I hope they don't underestimate me because I am a beautiful gamine with an outsized personality." As they leave the pit stop, Joe notes that Chile has good wine. Hey, you have to know what's important.
12:33 AM. Eric and Pink. For no particular reason, as they leave the mat, Eric uses the expression "Peace out, cub scout," which makes me conflate Eric and my nephews in a way that doesn't make me very happy. Pink tells us that Eric has a way of forgetting she's on the team. I think we all have a way of forgetting that, dear. And then she asks him -- I kid you not -- "How are you reading and walking at the same time?" And he answers -- again with the not even kidding -- "Because I'm amazing." Always good to date a girl who sets the bar low. She tells us that she's trying to keep up with Eric, even though she's only a girl. She does actually say this, believe it or not. She needs about six kinds of reeducation, and I think I will start by sending her to Jill Camp.
12:34 Uchenna and Joyce. Uchenna says he thinks that if they make good decisions, they'll do just fine. Way to go out on a limb.
Up at the church, Danny and Oswald find the clue box. Behind them, Eric and Pink are following Team Guido, heading for the episode's first goofy dust-up. The teams stop, and Bill hops out to ask directions. Eric and Pink see the directions being given and are apparently able to tell from the gesturing that they're supposed to keep going straight, because they drive off ahead of Bill and Joe, which really pisses Bill off, since they seem to be taking advantage of the directions he pulled over to get. The teams stop to grab the Puerto Montt clue, and Bill's all, "I want to talk to you," and he starts complaining about what they did. Eric isn't very impressed, and it's all pretty silly, honestly. All of a sudden, he's the one who wants to be attending the Amazing Montessori School, and I thought we resolved that several seasons ago. It only gets sillier when Bill stands in front of where Eric and Pink are parked so that they can't leave until he's done reading his clue. It's infantile, but... when Eric starts being all "you can't block my car," you have to kind of think he's reaping what he sowed a little bit, with the "we're in a race" and "anything to get ahead." It's actually Joe who brings Bill down a little bit and says they should just leave and not get in a fight. Eric chuckles about what "whiners" Bill and Joe are as they drive off, and... whatever. They're still cooler than you, dink, and they will be until you get a dog and stay with the same person for 15 years, so bite me. Oh, and? If you want to be the arbiter of cool, stay away from nipple rings.
Rob and Amber find their way to a travel agency that, as it happens, is open in the middle of the night. And it's probably watching their Vegas reality show right now, so that should be helpful. Elsewhere, Uchenna and Joyce find the clue box at the church and head for the airport. I swear, their entire theme of this race so far is Don't Mind Us, We're Just Doing Stuff. They're barely here.
12:48 AM. Dustin and Kandice. We learn that they're going to be working with Teri and Ian, who they think have "proven themselves" with navigation.
12:50 AM. The very same Teri and Ian tear their clue and go. Teri interviews that the BQs are "strong racers," and Ian notes that in addition to being funny, they "wiggle and jiggle" from one place to another. I'm not sure I'd really say that's true, and I could have lived without that remark, but you have to find your reasons for enthusiasm where you can. The teams meet up in their cars, and Dustin and Kandice point the way toward the town. I think Ian should loan one of them the Asshat, because that would be a picture I would enjoy.
12:54 AM. Charla and Mirna. Mirna says that she and Charla are nobody's "pushovers." Call me crazy, but I'm thinking that a small dog could push Mirna over, so I think "haughty" is probably the wrong approach for her. A minute later, Mary and David leave, and Mary says she loves all the teams, but she misses the *wins. Seriously, this is what she says. And we get the nostalgic black-and-white shots of them, and how they were friends with Mary and David, and how sad it is that they didn't come back to try to give away another race to someone who had good character. I think Mary has successfully identified someone who would be even less deserving of a spot in the race than she is, since at least she attempted to win most of the time.
The little alliance of Dustin and Kandice and Teri and Ian are discovering that they have gone the wrong way, because there's a sign to San Pedro going in the opposite direction from the way they're driving. In his car, Ian says that hopefully, the navigation problem won't be a big deal, coming as it does at the start of the leg. This is a significant change from his performance during the third season, when he was a master of announcing regularly that he was certain to be eliminated, so count this as another positive change. Kandice opines that it "stinks," a complaint that's both accurate and bland, which is just how I think of her.
Mirna and Charla read the clue at the church. As they get advice on how to get to the airport, David and Mary pull up. Mary once again bitches in an interview about how Charla and Mirna were her friends, but then they passed her, not like the Chos who tried to hand her the race... oh, man, are we done here? I certainly hope so. "Them two girls, they will not beat me at nothin'," Mary vows. I kind of love the fact that she's chosen as her rival the only team that's perhaps racing as incompetently as she is at this point. It's like the Oberlin football team being all, "We're going to get those fuckers from Kenyon." Oooooooh, big talk!
At the Travel Agency of Late Hours And Free Internet, Rob and Amber book airline tickets getting to Puerto Montt at 12:55 PM. Then, a clump of teams arrives at the airport. The BQs and Teri and Ian are still sticking together as they reach the clue box at the church at last, then head to the airport. The teams trade hugs, and the BQs apologize for the navigation screw-up. That's pretty cool of them, actually, because teams are often really hesitant to take responsibility for stuff like this. More teams come to the airport, where the ticket counter is closed until morning. What emerges is that the current airport teams are going to try to actually work together and book each other's flights. The plan is for Eric and Pink, Guido, and Danny and Oswald to stay at the airport and try different ways of booking, while Uchenna and Joyce are going to try to find internet access somewhere and potentially buy everyone's tickets. In order to book everyone else's tickets, they need the credit card numbers that the other teams have been assigned. We watch as Joe gives over his little security code as well -- the three-digit number on the back of the card that you sometimes do and sometimes don't need in order to use the card online. Joe does own some great stuff; I'm not surprised he knows about online shopping. Uchenna and Joyce take off to do the tickets, which is officially the most interesting thing we've seen them do so far.
When David and Mary and Charla and Mirna get to the airport, they are not told about the cooperation that's ongoing with other teams. But at the hotel, Uchenna and Joyce pull up the airlines and learn about the flight landing at 12:55 PM. They're on track to get the earliest flight, but it turns out that Danny and Oswald and Eric and Pink didn't give their security codes, as Joe did, and Uchenna and Joyce are only able to buy for themselves and Team Guido. They also note that the other flight to Puerto Montt doesn't arrive until an hour later, at 1:55 PM, so you can assume that is going to be Option #2.
Rob and Amber get to the airport and note all the teams sleeping inside. They're feeling good about having their tickets already, but they don't want to tip their hands or be too obvious just yet. Sneaky music plays as Rob observes that they "should be in pretty good shape." Dustin and Kandice and Teri and Ian show up, and they note that it doesn't feel great coming in at the tail end when everybody else is already there. Uchenna and Joyce then return, and they tell Guido the good news, but they tell the other two teams the bad news that the security-code issue kept them from being able to buy the other tickets. "We really did try," Joyce tells Oswald, and of course he tells her not to worry about it, and of course he tells her it's fine. Rob and Amber are happy that they have their tickets sewn up. So far, they're certainly doing the very same ruthlessly efficient thing they usually do, and it's undoubtedly driving everyone as crazy as always.
When the ticket counter opens, it turns out that the tickets for the 12:55 PM are gone, and they're only able to get on the 1:55 PM, so everybody who's waiting winds up on that flight. There are only Rob and Amber, Team Guido, and Uchenna and Joyce on the first flight at this point. I didn't initially understand what was happening in the shot at first, but what we see is that Charla has gone around behind the counter while the BQs are buying their tickets to try to cut in line and get the agents to work with her first. When the BQs are a little nonplussed at Charla's antics, Charla snots that she and Mirna were there first, so they have nothing to be unhappy about. Except, of course, the fact that Mirna is already at the counter, so there's no cause for cutting at this point. Charla also says she "can't see over the counter" and the BQs are "privileged" because they can, and she's not. I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. Mirna is at the counter. Both people do not need to attack different ticket agents. Mirna is perfectly capable of getting the agent's attention on behalf of the team. This appears to be Charla trying to wring an advantage out by bitching about being small, which is a disservice to people who actually do just want to be treated the same as everyone else. Furthermore, Charla's attitude seems bizarrely overblown, since as far as we saw, the BQs haven't even done anything or said anything in this sequence other than look amused at Charla's stomping around behind the counter and trying to butt in line. I don't think they even said anything to her. One of the BQs and Teri exchange this awesome "The hell?" look, and I realize that I am on a very different team, in the larger sense, than I would expect myself to be. Kandice interviews that in fact, Charla's personality qualifies as "huge." I'm not sure why, but that really makes me laugh, because Kandice is sort of smiling, and sort of trying to avoid saying, "She's really loud! You know... for somebody so... petite." Everybody gets their tickets, and they're all connecting in Santiago, and then some will get an earlier connection and some a later one.
Somehow, Eric pulls a ticket lady aside and starts asking about getting on the earlier flight, and even though it seems like they just made these reservations, she now is apparently able to bump them up to the earlier one, so now Eric and Pink are also arriving at 12:55. I don't entirely get that, since I'm not sure why it was full a minute ago and now there's space on it. In any event, Charla and Mirna are eavesdropping, and they manage to overhear this, so they ask about getting on the earlier one, as do some other people. The word that comes back is that it can't happen now, but they can hustle to the gate in Santiago and see if they can get on at that time.
The flight goes from Calama to Santiago. And when it lands at 10:14 AM, it's a mad dash among the teams on the tail end to try to get on standby. Specifically, Teri and Ian are running for it, as are Mirna and Charla. Teri and Ian arrive at the counter first, and Teri politely asks the attendant if she can please get on the earlier flight. Things are about to get awesome, so get a bowl of popcorn and sit down. And put your feet up. And put on a party hat. You may want a horn. As Teri is standing there working with the person, Mirna walks right up and starts talking to the agent who's already working with Teri. Mirna has some story about "they told us that you would help us at the other counter," but she's completely horning in on the person because Teri and Ian beat her there fair and square. "This is my counter," Teri says firmly. "Do not speak to my person while he is helping me." Which is, in fairness, not something Teri can probably enforce, but it's a perfectly reasonable thing for her to ask, particularly when Mirna has come and butted in line right in front of her with no apparent reason whatsoever. What you're witnessing here is simple: Mirna is what I would call a persecution bully. Mirna is used to getting her way by simply being the most brazenly self-obsessed person in the room, hooting and hollering about how persecuted she is until people just get tired of listening to her shit and, for the most part, do what she wants. Teri, on the other hand, is a mom, has absolutely no patience for nitwits, knows that she's in the right, and isn't really bothered by standing there and firmly talking back at Mirna for as long as Mirna cares to horn in. (Incidentally, one of the things I dig about this is that while Ian is definitely participating and backing Teri up by telling Mirna to back off, he's not trying to displace Teri as the primary combatant, which I think is a shift from what I'd have expected based on last time.) Mirna, hilariously, starts on this "you don't own the world" argument to Teri, as if expecting someone not to cut in and interrupt a discussion you're already having with a ticket agent constitutes a belief that you "own the world." By that standard, I'd have to say quite a few of us believe we own the world. I didn't realize it was so easy! "Do not intercede here," Ian says to Mirna before turning around with a chipper, "Security, please!" I doubt security cares, but: still funny. Because security hauling away Mirna in handcuffs is hilarious. I'm only sorry that Glarkware doesn't sell the "Shut up, Mirna" and "You Too" buttons anymore. If you never got to see them, they were perhaps my favorite race-related item of all time. But I digress.
Commercials. Damn, I think those Kleenex commercials are stupid. I'm sorry, but I'm not crying on a couch in the street. And I'm a sap. Give me a break.
When we return, we're still on Teri and Mirna, and... can you imagine -- seriously, can you imagine -- what Mirna would do if someone did this to her? I've been watching reality shows for about six or seven years, and I'm going to tell you: I don't think I've ever seen anyone who is quite as unaware of the enormous disconnect between her righteous indignation and her total jackassy rudeness. And that disconnect is as much of a reality show cliché as eating disgusting food, so to be the queen of it is a real accomplishment. She expects to be treated like a visiting dignitary, with "honor" and "politeness" and "class" and blah dee blah, but her sense of entitlement is so heavy that it apparently propels her into situations where she interrupts, interferes, berates, insults, complains, and basically violates every single rule she expects other people to follow. I'd go as far as to say just about everyone else on the entire race appears to have learned at least something from the experience, with the possible exception of Mary and David, and in some cases, people have learned a lot. Mirna? Learned nothing. She is worse than ever. All she learned is that she is a victim of... something. Well, everything. Not only that, but back at the counter, when Ian quite correctly tells her she's being rude, Mirna says, "I took lessons from the king of rude." That comeback is so lame, it's like an additional act of rudeness. If she had said, "I think your hat is rude," at least it would have been funny. Charla condescendingly lectures in an interview that "there was no reason for yelling and screaming." Teri was not yelling and screaming, obviously. She did speak loudly and firmly to Mirna, because Mirna was interrupting her conversation. But there really wasn't yelling and screaming. Not that Charla would notice this.
But guess what! In the end, nobody's getting on standby anyway, so it's a big lot of hassle over nothing. Everybody's checked in, there's no space, and there you go. When the rest of the teams get this news, nobody is very happy. The BQs are particularly bummed that this may not be the leg where they make their big move, unless it's their big move to the middle of the pack. Dustin notes that it particularly stinks because some strong teams are getting a lead on everybody else, which is a good point. The first flight leaves, and then the second, and Oswald notes that they will have to hustle today. He will be hustling calmly, of course, without unnecessary hubbub.
Puerto Montt. It looks like a very nice, very touristy place, all built up and seaside-y. A perfect place to take your persecution complex for a vacation. The first flight lands, and the lead teams run for their cars. Uchenna and Joyce are first out. Then Rob and Amber, Eric and Pink, and Guido. Pink opines in the car that Bill was "psychotic" at the church about the clue thing. It occurs to me that if she's this alarmed, she hasn't seen enough actual psychotics, or, come to think of it, enough of Guido. Rob asks Amber if he should slow down and let himself be passed, just to see if the other teams will get lost if they can't follow. Amber keeps her face buried in her materials and tells him to focus on going fast and not fooling the other teams. He says "I know," even though she totally just now reminded him. ["I kind of wanted to surreptitiously high-five Amber just then. I really do like her this season." -- Joe R] They come up to a fork in the road, and he chooses to go right, admitting he doesn't particularly have a reason. He should have gone with "Bear, left!" "Right, frog!" Uchenna and Joyce, however, are following a cab and going another way, and Eric and Pink are sticking behind them. Team Guido is also apparently going the right way (as opposed to the Rob and Amber way, not as opposed to the left way, which is the right way), and when Bill frets a little over what it means that Rob and Amber went somewhere else, Joe exasperatedly says, "Rob's not Jesus!" Well, seriously. Joe is officially the first person to point out that if you don't want the entire thing to be about Rob and Amber, don't make it about Rob and Amber. It goes to show, though, that Rob's perception that people are overly focused on him is correct -- Joe's very frustration makes it clear that he's tired of an apparent barrage of WWRD inquiries.
Rob (not Jesus) is stopping a couple of cars to ask directions, and it appears that he learns fairly quickly that they're not pointed in the right way. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce get a beautiful view of the ocean while heading to the fishery. Eric and Pink and Team Guido are following closely. "Rob is not here!" Joe happily notes, kind of stepping on his own Jesus point. When these three teams get to the clue box, the clue they retrieve is a Roadblock. In this one, you go into a big tank with eighty very flat (live) fish on the bottom, and you lift them and put them into a plastic bucket, then carry them to a holding tank in batches. You have to move all eighty fish before you're done. And then, when you have all the fish out, your clue is written on the bottom of the tank. Now: you are at a fishery. The clue talks about a "slippery situation." Do you think this might involve touching fish? One would think perhaps a fish-hater should avoid this, no? Pink takes it for her team, and Uchenna takes it, and Joe. Pink looks into the tank and declares, "This is disgusting." I don't think this will go well. She asks how many she has to do, and she's horrified to learn that she has to move all of them. "There's, like, a hundred of them in here!" Uchenna exclaims.
Pink reaches down and touches a fish, and then she recoils and shrieks. Eric starts yelling at her, to the point where it makes Bill uncomfortable, and he says, "Be nice." She keeps shrieking and whimpering. "GRAB 'EM! QUIT BEING A BABY!" he yells. "I HATE FISH!" she yells. "PICK IT UP!" he orders. She keeps saying she can't, he keeps bellowing at her. Uchenna and Joe, on the other hand, are now placing the fish into the bucket. Finally, Pink picks one up and puts it into the bin, so she has a chance to learn that the fish won't actually eat her, or whatever it is that she's afraid of. Bill and Joyce both start reminding Joe and Uchenna to move the fish they have to the holding tank. All three Roadblockers are now on the way to the holding tank, and Pink is still whining and crying because of the FISH of which she is TERRIFIED. They dump the fish, as Eric laments that he "should have done this one." I feel him, but... Pink has to do some things sometime. She already chickened out of the mental Roadblock they did last week; if she doesn't want to do physical tasks and she doesn't want to do mental tasks, that pretty much leaves piscine tasks, unless she wants to wait around for cuticle trimming.
Rob and Amber arrive at the Roadblock clue, none too happy about the other teams that are already here. They read the clue, and Amber says, "I think I could do it... she's doing it," indicating Pink. Indeed, I think anything Pink can do, Amber can do better. Not to be too bold or anything.
And here comes the second flight, which is landing a bit early, at 1:45 PM. David and Mary immediately get lost trying to leave the airport, and before long, she's hollering at him as usual. The BQs and Teri and Ian get behind a taxi they're splitting. See how easy it is when you just listen to the arrangements, Mirna? What I like about the "alliance" between Teri and Ian and the BQs is that it's not one of those alliances that's based on staying with the people it's most obvious that you would stay with -- those alliances where it's all the young pretty couples, or it's all the slow people who think they have extra-awesome morals, or whatever. This is people working together because (1) they're both pretty good teams, and (2) they get along. It's not about sticking with your own kind, or so it appears, and I like that very much. David and Mary are still fighting about his getting lost looking for the airport exit. And Charla and Mirna? Oh, they're leaving in last place. Looks good on you, harpies.
Amber calmly wrestles fish into her bucket Gee, look -- no shrieking! Pink, on the other hand? Still shrieking. Eric is still yelling at her about "being a baby." Rob, on the other hand, just keeps telling Amber she's "doing great." Amber's only comment is, "I'm going to smell real good after this." You've got to hate the stink tasks. That will ruin your whole day.
Danny and Oswald are now in the lead among the teams that came on the second flight, followed by the BQs and BKs (oh, OKAY, Ian, for crying out loud), then Mirna and Charla and Dave and Mary, all of whom are somewhere or other, I know not where. Danny points fabulously as the BKs pass him. My favorite part is where Oswald says, "Ay, dios mio," and the yellow captioning helpfully says, "Oh my God." Like, thanks, yes, I am culturally illiterate. This group of three teams gets to the Roadblock at the fishery. Ian calls out to Teri to hurry, and he really does it in this relatively calm "Teriiiii," way, rather than being all "HUMP IT!", which I appreciate. Not that I don't miss "HUMP IT!", because I find that I sort of do. ["Agreed. What a weird season." -- Joe R] Kandice, Danny, and Teri take the Roadblock.
Uchenna and Joe are still fish-grabbing away. Bill tells Joe to "meditate them down into submission." Ha! Bill also tells him it's a "Zen" sort of process. As Joe takes a bucket to the holding tank, he happily calls out, "I'm the fish whisperer!" Hey, quit writing the recap, cheater. Eric tells Pink that in order to carry the bucket of fish, "put your boobs on it." He calls again, "Use your boobs!" Rob interviews that Eric was making endless boob comments during the task, and he's wearing this grin that's not so much... well, it's not that he found it offensive, but he would know better. I also think he found it kind of lame and unfunny, except as an example of a dude who doesn't know any better. "Dan, you gotta use your boobs, use your boobs!" Eric keeps yelling. When you're being counseled by Rob about keeping your mouth shut, it's time to rethink your approach, I believe. Teri wrestles fish while Ian tries to keep from yelling, simply saying "you've got to hustle" again and again. "Be the fish, become the fish," Oswald deadpans to Danny, who then takes a header, wiping out on the ground in a moment that looked pretty painful. So that was more like "be the dirt, become the dirt," which is not so much what Oswald had in mind.
And here are David and Mary. Despite David's well-documented fear of fish, he decides to take this Roadblock, which seems insane to me. Like, don't be a hero! And indeed, David can't even bring himself to touch the fish. "WHY AREN'T YOU GETTIN' ANY?" Mary demands loudly, and then she tells the camera, "David don't never touch fish; he's afraid of fish." So I guess she just answered her own question there. David tells us that he's "not a water person." Yeah, it doesn't seem like it.
Uchenna has finished the Roadblock. He looks on the bottom to read the clue, and here's what it says: "Find the sign for La Maquina along the river just before the town of Petrohue and search for your clue." Or that's approximately what it says, anyway. Phil explains that you have to drive 50 miles toward Petrohue, and right before you get there, there's this "La Maquina" sign, and that's where the clue is. For whatever reason, right along here, David overcomes his fear of fish and goes on autopilot, at which point he just starts picking them up like crazy. I wonder if this will be like my parents' dog getting over his fear of the basement. Take him down there once, and then he's fine, after spending about eight years terrified of it. Maybe now, David will love fish forever. Teach a man to caress fish, you know? Once he starts doing better, Mary tells him she loves him. She's kind of a fair-weather wife. Or a fair-fish wife. Hee hee, "fishwife." Just kidding!
Joe is to finish, but all he writes down of the clue is the part about finding the sign for La Maquina along the river. He totally misses the Petrohue part, which is how you know you have to drive, like, 50 miles from where you are in order to find the clue. You can almost hear the "wah wah waaaaaah" music. When Mirna and Charla show up, Mirna takes the Roadblock. As Joe and Bill leave, just ahead of Rob and Amber, you can tell that they're in big trouble, because they don't have the clue down at all. Eric and Pink take off just after Rob and Amber. Pink tells Eric, in case he didn't notice, that she really, really hates fish. At least she can feel good about her boobs, considering that her "boyfriend" yelled about them for about half an hour.
As soon as Mirna gets in the tank, she starts freaking out about the fish. I mean, you could have predicted it, but it's still funny. What's great is that she's not just wigged; she's shrieking and shrinking back in terror, like she really thinks this big, flat fish is going to do something to her. Exactly what, I cannot imagine. She just keeps sort of going, "Eh-HWEH! Nn-hnn, nn-nn," this endless pathetic whimper. So when they said they weren't pushovers, I guess that didn't anticipate running into something incredibly threatening, like fish.
Bill and Joe find a river and decide to look all around. AIIIEEEE!
Rob and Amber run into Eric and Pink, and the teams start working together on the navigating. Rob interviews that he didn't have a problem working with them, since he's very confident that in any head-to-head situation, he and Amber are "the odds-on favorite," so it's good to have a team you can beat late in a leg that will stay right with you. It's interesting to me that he doesn't say he and Amber will beat them in any situation -- he says they're the favorite in any situation, which I think is probably true.
Back at the Roadblock, Kandice, David, Mirna, Teri, and Danny are still working with fish. Ian notes that David really moves once he gets the fish out. Ian urges Teri to hurry. Danny trips again, and Oswald frets that he can't go help. Aw. Kandice finishes, so the BQs are on the way. They did well with that one. And then David finishes, so they leave too. Once they're in the car, Mary does praise him for how well he did, so there's that to be happy about. "This is so many fish! It's impossible[, Phyllis]," Mirna notes.
Commercials. If needed a Motorola product, I would have asked for one in 1985.
We return, and Ian says, "Hoo-rah for Teri!" Which I love. Look at him trying! Now Ian and Teri are done, so it's just Mirna and Charla and Danny and Oswald stuck at this Roadblock, which seems really wrong. Danny gets done, and as they leave, Oswald says, "Promise me you'll do more cardio." Mirna continues to fiddle with the fish; Charla flaps her arms in frustration.
Uchenna and Joyce stop for directions to Petrohue. As Uchenna offers an unsolicited hug to the woman who gives the directions, he apologetically notes that he smells like fish. I'll bet. Poor directions lady. I hope she doesn't have a date later.
Rob and Amber are on the way to Petrohue. So are Eric and Pink, who are noting the pretty scenery out the window. Hey, so are Uchenna and Joyce! The BQs are also on their way, looking for the right road, and then David and Mary. Mary says they like the ocean as long as all they have to do is look and not touch. I think I've lost my ability to appreciate other people appreciating scenery.
Back at the Roadblock, Mirna reads the clue, because she is finished at last. Elsewhere entirely, Bill is asking some dude where La Maquina is, and of course, the guy has never heard of it, because it's a little sign that's like 50 miles away. Bill and Joe can't figure out why nobody knows where they're supposed to be going, but aside from blowing the clue, they're still pretty level-headed. So Bill is quite sure that they've "made a mistake," and he just wants to get into town and figure out what's going on. It's exactly the right move, because I think he knows that exactly the wrong move is to just drive around a deserted wasteland and hope for a miracle.
Rob and Amber and Eric and Pink find the clue at La Maquina. When both teams pull out the clue, it's a Detour. The choices are Vertical Limit and River Wild, which I love, because they're both cheesy-ass suspense/action movies, and they're both bad in the sort of can't-look-away sort of sense. Vertical Limit is a 40-foot vertical rock climb that both team members have to do. River Wild is a two and a half mile whitewater rafting trip with a guide, which is two miles back down the road. Both teams take the rafting, which kind of surprised me, because... I would assume that the climb would be easier as long as you're in shape. I don't think I've ever seen rock-climbing not be the right Detour choice. I don't know. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching the Detour, and they see the two teams leaving. Uchenna and Joyce take the rafting as well. In an interview, Amber says that she almost died the last time they went rafting, so she's presumably hoping to avoid near-death experiences. Eric and Pink look for the rafting, but they take a wrong turn that Rob and Amber avoid.
The BQs approach Petrohue, saying they're now looking for La Maquina. Mary and David are in the same situation, but when they drive by the sign saying that Petrohue is to the left, Mary doesn't see it. David sees it out of the corner of his eye, and he wonders aloud whether that was on the sign back there, but Mary basically tells him to shut up, which is... not a brilliant idea. So they miss the turn. In other news, Charla is yelling "AMIGO!" out the window at this guy, and I really hope briefly that she's going to tell him they need to find the ferry, because... maybe the best Charla moment ever, and it would have made the entire season for my best friend's wife, who thinks that is the funniest moment in the history of television, just about. But Charla just asks for Petrohue. Just then, Charla and Mirna, strictly by chance, run into Bill and Joe. Mirna is trying to ask the guy for Petrohue in English, but Bill comes over and tells the guy he can understand it in Spanish. The guy tells them that he can't go with them as Mirna is asking, because he has to work. Mirna offers the guy $50 -- is that enough to make up for missing a whole day of work? -- and then she and Charla literally reach out and grab the guy and drag him. Like, he genuinely appears unwilling, and they're dragging this stranger toward their car. Charla shrieks at the Guidos that they'll pay the guy $25 each, and they'll let Bill and Joe follow them. "Don't screw us like the girls did!" Charla yells, despite the fact that... nobody screwed them, ever. "We're not going to screw you, don't worry," Bill says, in a way I choose to find dryly funny. "Welcome to Charla and Mirna's world," Charla says to their reluctant ForcedFern. "It's a scary one." Amen, sister. Who knew I was going to find common ground with them during this leg?
Rob and Amber find the rafting first. Eric and Pink aren't far away, it doesn't seem like, but they run into Uchenna and Joyce, who are also looking for the rafting and can't find it. The two teams share frustration out their open car windows. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber are suited up and in their raft, and their guide is explaining how, if they fall in, they shouldn't panic. No problem! What's a near-drowning between friends?
The BQs can't find the sign for La Maquina. But they do stumble across a red and yellow arrow, so they figure they'll just stop, because... why worry? They park their car, despite the fact that there is no La Maquina sign anywhere. Oswald and Danny, on the other hand, have found the Detour clue, as have Teri and Ian. Both of these teams take the rapids as the BQs run around wondering whether they missed the clue along the road. They see the rafting guides, and they figure maybe they're supposed to search the river, despite the fact that they didn't follow the clue and find the sign for La Maquina. It's incredibly dense of them to think the leg would be structured this way, and not to consider the obvious alternative that they've stumbled over whatever comes after the clue they're actually looking for. But in the hopes that they can take a shortcut by not actually needing to find the sign the clue told them to find, they just decide to hop in the raft anyway.
Rob and Amber are rafting. They get very wet. "Holy crap," she says. At the rafting, Eric and Pink run into Teri and Ian and the BQs, who of course have not seen the clue. They know something is probably wrong, because in the raft, they're asking the guide whether they're supposed to be looking for their clue, which... is not smart, to me, because if you have to ask, then you don't understand what's going on and you should stop and think. The guide says he doesn't know, and they go on anyway. SENSE A PROBLEM, GIRLS?
David and Mary ask for directions to Petrohue and learn that they are way off. Elsewhere, Mirna and Charla are in a little office with Bill and Joe, and Mirna is asking someone what La Maquina is. Joe is kind of confused when she keeps mentioning Petrohue, and he's all, "What does Petrohue have to do with any of this?" and Mirna breaks the news that they're missing half of the clue. "You're lucky you're with us," Mirna says condescendingly. Joe can only say that he never saw that part of the clue. I feel really bad for Joe, because he's way too good to get sneered at by freaking Mirna, of all people. In the car, Mirna can't stop talking about how good a person she is for telling them about the other part of the clue. She loves nothing more than the opportunity to congratulate herself, so she's probably happy it turned out like this. "Maybe we're not cutthroat enough for this game," Mirna sniffs. In their car, Bill and Joe are discussing how happy they are that they saw Charla and Mirna. Well, for the sake of getting directions, they're happy.
As Rob and Amber get out of the raft, she calls to the guide, "Thank you, we had fun!" That's kind of why I think she's an all right girl. She really does try to be nice to people, I don't think she's mean... I think she's reasonably decent. And she's a busy spaz-wrangler, you know? At the end of the course, they get out and pull a clue from a box, and the clue tells them to head to the pit stop. Phil explains that the teams will travel three and a half miles to Playa Petrohue, a black volcanic beach that will serve as the pit stop. Last team in "may" be out. Rob and Amber catch a shuttle back to where their stuff is.
In Dave and Mary's car, she just hopes that someone else screwed up besides them.
Rafting are the BQs, who are looking for a clue somewhere along the river.
Rob and Amber hop in their car and head for the pit stop.
The BQs finish the course and pull a clue that sends them to the pit stop. In the shuttle, Kandice tries to keep her smile plastered on as she's like, "So, we didn't have to do a Detour." And Dustin is all, "Um, no." They agree that "that's good." So at this point, (1) they were supposed to find a sign that they didn't find, (2) they were supposed to look for a clue, and the only clue they found was simply waiting at the end of the course they rafted, and (3) they're being sent to the pit stop without a Detour. This should be a sign that something is not right.
The BKs get in the raft, and they also get the guide's advice about not panicking if they fall in. Just grab on to the line and so forth. They wind up rafting alongside Oswald and Danny, pretty much.
Hey, look! It's Rob and Amber at the pit stop, being greeted by a local little person! Phil tells them that they are team number one, and they're really excited -- Amber, in particular, though he's grinning too. Phil says that they've each won a home gym. What a prize. "Congratulations! You win broccoli!" Rob really seems to be getting a kick out of Amber's outsized excitement, which is sort of charming. Anyone who thinks he's the only competitive one needs to watch how she's losing it over winning this leg. She cares a lot about how they do. Phil allows Amber to give him a hug, since she's nice enough to ask. And then Phil tells them that winning all three of the first legs is kind of obnoxious of them, basically. Rob says he doesn't care; he wants the win at the end. That will not silence your critics, sir.
Eric and Pink and Uchenna and Joyce are rafting. Uchenna and Joyce manage to edge them out and get the pit stop clue first. In the shuttle, Uchenna is surprised by how much time the BQs made up. Yeah, exactly. The BQs should be wondering that, too. Eric and Pink get the pit stop clue, and he's really irritated by the "blondies" being ahead of him. In a show of at least slight karmic appropriateness, the BQs' car won't start as they attempt to leave for the pit stop. Uchenna and Joyce and Eric and Pink manage to leave for the pit stop before the BQs get the car started. "That is such a bummer that that just happened to us," Dustin complains, having no idea.
Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce, you are team number two! Welcome, Eric and Pink, you are team number three!
As Teri and Ian raft, Teri topples right out of the boat. They actually add a little "glug, glug" sound effect and an underwater angle, just so you know that you are potentially seeing the Teri's-eye view of what it's like to drown on television. Scary!
Commercials. I think MasterCard lost something when the "priceless" part started sounding a lot like "the freedom to buy whatever you want."
When we return from commercials, Teri falls in the water again! What bad luck! Oh, no, wait. They're just rewinding fifteen seconds as they very much like to do on this show for reasons unknown to me. Fortunately, the guide is right there and hauls her back over the side by her life preserver. I'm very glad they didn't show the first horrible death by drowning. What's awesome is that Teri, in her interview, says, "It was exciting to fall out of the boat!" You can see why Mirna, who would need a defibrillator at this point, never stood a chance. Meanwhile, Oswald and Danny are just enjoying the ride, as they like to enjoy all rides as much as possible. Teri and Ian collect their pit stop clue.
Dustin and Kandice are on their way to the pit stop. Oswald and Danny are reading their pit stop clue, so they'll soon be on the way as well. Dustin and Kandice happily run and land on the mat. Phil says, "Dustin and Kandice, you're the fourth team to arrive... HOWEVER." Phil tells them that they didn't get all their clues, and they can't be checked in until they pick up all their clues. Kandice looks down at the bunch of clues in her hands, acting surprised even though I think part of her? Isn't. She and Dustin take off in the direction of their car.
Teri and Ian are in their shuttle back to their car, noting that Oswald and Danny are just behind them. Dustin and Kandice are going to "retrace [their] steps" to figure out what they didn't do. We check on David and Mary, who are glumly noting that they are finally approaching Petrohue. As Dustin and Kandice go over the clues, they should be starting about here to realize that the problem is probably with the clue that... you know, they didn't do. Charla and Mirna are headed for Petrohue, as are Joe and Bill. Finally, Kandice figures out that since they never found the La Maquina sign, maybe THAT's the problem. Hey, maybe so!
Teri and Ian and Oswald and Danny get dressed. Or, actually, Teri and Ian get dressed. Oswald and Danny just get in the car and leave, so they manage to get out first. Ian realizes as he leaves behind Oswald and Danny that changing clothes was not the most efficient way to go. More interestingly, Teri and Ian go right leaving the rafting, while Danny and Oswald go left. As the BQs search for La Maquina, they pass Teri and Ian, and everyone is sort of confused about what the hell that means. At long last, the BQs actually find the sign that their clue led to in the first place, which allows them to find the missing clue box, and they retrieve their clue. The part I think is bogus about this is that they then say they already did the rafting, so they go straight to the pit stop. It seems to me you have to follow the clue. Where on the clue does it say you can go from here to the pit stop? Why, as a result of having done the course wrong to begin with, do they now get an advantage by being able to go straight from here to the pit stop? Everybody who actually looked for this clue until they found it was at a disadvantage, because they had to choose between the rock-climbing and the river. What if, had they found the Detour clue like they were supposed to, the BQs would have chosen the rock-climbing and lost time doing it? It just seems to me like this is wrong, letting them go straight from here to the pit stop, even though that's not what the clue says. To steal an analogy used on the boards, it's like letting a guy in a baseball game run the bases in whatever order he thinks will be fastest, as long as he touches all of them at some point. I just don't care for them not having to do the steps in order. It's the same rule they've always applied, but the circumstances here are bringing out a weakness in this particular rule.
Oswald and Danny and Teri and Ian are both having some difficulty getting to the pit stop. It looks like maybe Teri and Ian's initial turn was right, but now they're asking for directions anyway. They get passed by the BQs, and then by Danny and Oswald. Dustin and Kandice run onto the mat and are checked in as team number four. No harm, no foul for not doing the leg following the route that was dictated by the clues. I think the reason this hasn't bothered me before is that it's never been this clear that if you don't impose a penalty, then it doesn't necessarily cost anyone anything. When everything is all close together, there aren't any consequences, and if it were up to me, I'd impose some minimum consequence to make sure this didn't happen, because if I were a team that really worked hard until I found the La Maquina sign, this would piss me off.
Bill and Joe and Mirna and Charla open the Detour clue, and both choose the rafting. Nobody has the feel for climbing this season, I guess. Of course, Mirna blames Charla, saying, "Can you do a 40-foot rock climb?" and making Charla say she can't. As if Mirna could. Guido speeds away, and of course, as they leave, Charla and Mirna are complaining about how Guido left ahead of them. "If it wasn't for us, they wouldn't even have gotten here!" Mirna sniffles, and... they still have their Fern! They kidnapped that dude, and they still have him! Unbelievable. I hope they let him go before Amnesty International gets involved. Or Angelina Jolie! She's going to be really mad.
Danny and Oswald run to the mat, and Oswald can't help noting that "Charla's going to be in love" with the adorable little-person greeter. Yes, yes, it's very bad of him. It's terribly wrong. Don't. Care. "Oswald and Danny," Oswald begins on Phil's behalf, "you're team... " Danny adds, "number... " Phil says, "five," and they celebrate very happily, because they did not have a good day and were not anticipating a good finish in the middle of the pack. I kind of want to put them under glass and keep them from getting idiot sauce on them from being exposed to all these other teams.
David and Mary find the Detour clue and choose rafting, though he's very indifferent. Mary insists there's no way she can do rock-climbing, which I think is... probably true. In the car on the way to the rafting, though, she also complains that she's not into rafting. She's kind of hard to please, really.
As Teri and Ian run to the mat, Ian hollers his first "We're comin', Phil!" of the season, and I do a little cheer. I missed it. They are team number six.
Team Guido heads for the rafting in their car, followed by Charla and Mirna. David and Mary are looking for the rafting. Charla and Mirna emerge in their gear before Guido, so they get in the water in their raft first. But these two teams are really pretty close to each other, with David and Mary somewhat behind. As Mary finally gets in the raft, she loudly whines that she's going to fall over, and the guide says she won't fall over -- if she can follow directions. Hmm. Mary interviews that she can't swim, so she was determined to listen to the guide. We then return to the interview, in which she says that he was telling her if she wasn't careful, she'd "fall in -- and to me, that means 'die.'" David is sitting there that whole time, quite silently, with his shoulders kind of down, but when Mary says "die," his mouth slowly curls into a mischievous, devilish grin. Seriously, it's the most hilarious thing, because if you didn't know that he undoubtedly didn't mean it like that, it would totally look like he was thinking of pushing her in himself. In the raft, Mary notes that Charla's boots were in the tent, so the cousins can't be far.
The remaining teams raft. Bill groans while paddling, but it's not enough to get ahead of Charla and Mirna, so Charla and Mirna get the pit stop clue first, and they head back to the changing area, and before you know it, they're heading for their car. They meet up with their Fern, who is still there, since he probably has no other transportation back to where he belongs. Mirna approaches the car and says in Mirnese, "I am wearing a bathing suit. It is very weird, I know." When Charla gets there, they start looking for the key, and they realize that they left it behind in their stuff in the changing tent. Guido leaves first, but not before running into a post in the ground and giving people a giant heart attack that what he ran into was Charla. I'm serious. On the way to the pit stop, Bill has his hand on Joe's arm, because Joe is very emotional about what a crazy day it was and, undoubtedly, the fact that he made a big mistake that has really set them back. He's a little teary, but Bill is taking care of him, as you do when you love a teary dude. (Sidebar: You know, if I were in Congress, my first priority would totally be making sure that they aren't allowed to get married, because it really seems like it would be quite a societal menace.) They get to the pit stop and are team number seven, and they're as happy as if they were in first, because oh boy, could they ever have been booted in this leg. So, so easily.
So now, everything is good, because either Mirna and Charla will be out, or David and Mary will be out, and I couldn't care less (that's how it's done, Rob) who it is. Well, that's not totally true -- I'd rather it were Charla and Mirna. But I win either way. Driving, navigating, driving, navigating, poor kidnapped Fern. And now, arriving on the mat... Charla and Mirna. Welcome, you are team number eight. They hug. Charla hugs the little-person greeter.
Here come David and Mary, who are prattling in the car about what a great experience it was, and how Mary feels like "a true West Virginian" after rafting. They land on the mat, and they are Philiminated. "It's okay," Mary says. She says they had fun. Phil asks her if she's in love with her husband, and she says she is. She says they now accept each other for who they are, and he says they won't change each other. And he doesn't really want her to fall in the river.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Rob and Amber versus Charla and Mirna. The ending "will have everyone talking." Oh, great.