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The teams hop from Ecuador to Peru, starting with a pretty diabolical Roadblock that separates the sharp-eyed (Dustin) from the half-blind (Joyce) from the incredibly lucky (Mary). By the time this happens, David is already pissed off at Kevin and Drew because Drew (in grumpy Everything Hurts mode) hauled their backpacks out of first class storage, so when Mary sings out her answer in obvious earshot of Kevin, David decides this is clearly Kevin's fault. Meanwhile, David and Mary just lurve Mirna and Charla, meaning their taste in people is officially backwards. The teams bunch up again on the way to the Detour, a bunch during which Rob gets a little shirty with Eric and Amber eye-rolls at her husband and calls him out in such a way that it totally gives one hope for her, and he takes it in a winkingly faux-pissed-off way that might even give one hope for him. But that would be a lot of hope to muster. The Detour gives an opportunity for more bunching, and for Mary to scream at David some more, criticize everything he says some more, be wrong some more, and cause her team to fall behind some more. Also, Mirna and Charla are freaking the hell out. On a long car ride through the desert, all kinds of things happen. The BQs wind up behind Charla and Mirna, who have paid a cabbie to follow, but nevertheless proceed to totally lose it over the fact that the BQs are in turn following them. When the cabbie pulls over, the BQs get out, thinking they might be able to cooperate in getting things going, and while they immediately offer collaboration, Mirna and Charla start shrieking at them about how if they don't pay half, then they're all just going to sit here. To put it plainly, the BQs are like, "Whatever, crazies," and they get back in their car and go. They really don't need to follow that badly, and they get going. Mary also turns viciously on Mirna and Charla after they don't act like "friends," in that they pass her in their car. Mirna and Charla reveal that they hate being passed and they hate being followed, which means that they apparently intend for people behind them to just go away and go be on some other show. Somewhere along the line, Kevin and Drew begin to lose it -- starting back at the pit stop, where Kevin tows the truck out of the ditch (!) and then almost gets run over by Drew (!!) -- and by the time they're on that car ride, they're on the edge of disaster. They miss a critical instruction regarding the speed limit and they miss the directions, and the net result of these mistakes is that they're booted, and Drew has to take a rather heartbreaking moment alone before he can even return to the mat to be Philiminated. Drew explains that he's got a million things going on, and between the pain, the meds, and the exhaustion, it's been incredibly uncomfortable. It's a bummer for them, mostly because the spirit was willing and the flesh was totally uncooperative, but at least they can go recover in Sequesterville. This cannot have been what they wanted, but it just wasn't meant to be this time around. Adios, boys. Oh, and Rob and Amber win the leg -- again. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on You Again?: Teams flew from the great state of relative obscurity all the way to Quito, Ecuador, but not before a lot of wacky shenanigans at the Miami airport, including Mary and Dave going for early bragging rights by lying to the BQs, just to prove they could. The BQs shrugged it off, because you don't become Miss Great Big State by knuckling under to sabotage and lies. Everyone was sick to death of Rob and Amber, who inconveniently came in first again, some more, proving that the other reason it matters that God spends so much time wet and soapy is that He hasn't had to watch Rob and Amber World, A Rob and Amber Production Starring Rob and Amber, so He isn't so likely to throw a good plague of frogs or something to get them out of the way. Drew fell down on his shoulder, which was rather unfortunate given that he was apparently held together with popsicle sticks and Elmer's Glue as a result of preexisting injuries. Sadly, the adorable John Vito and Jill came in last and went out first, causing great pain to everyone. They undoubtedly didn't actually go to Sequesterville and make out, but you're not alone if, in your head, they did. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated... ?
Credits. It's good to know that winning a million dollars hasn't reduced the level of sheer enjoyment Uchenna and Joyce get from hanging around the driveway washing their car. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I suspect Neutrogena is feeling pretty good about nailing down Hayden Panettiere ahead of the curve right about now. When she started doing these ads, people were like, "Who-den Pane-whatty?" And now, the person who signed her has been made Vice President In Charge Of Neener Neener.
We return to a volcano in Cotopaxi National Park, and at the base of it, we find ourselves at Mirador, which was the pit stop for the first leg. The breaking news is that during this pit stop, Drew the Bubble Boy had to take oxygen and be generally tended to for a wicked bout of altitude sickness. (The Andes? High. Who says television isn't educational?) He tells us that he was basically sick all night, and he indeed does not look good.
7:42 AM. Rob and Amber. She's working a couple of funny little braids, about which I am ambivalent. Sporty, or Pippi Wrongstocking? I'm not sure. The clue tells them to fly to Santiago, Chile, which Phil explains is more than 2400 miles. The soundtrack over the shots of Chile suggest that, like all South American countries, Chile specializes in the manufacturing of guitars. When they land, they'll go 12 miles by taxi to the corporate headquarters of Codelco, which is the world's largest copper mining company. I'm not sure how I feel about that as a destination; it's like sending them to a hot-dog factory or something. I'm just not sure it's glamorous. Anyway, at the Codelco Building, they'll get another clue. Expo Hands! It's been so long. As Rob and Amber leave, Rob interviews that "the other teams have no idea what they're in for," which is one of those things he will keep saying as long as they keep showing it, even though it's rarely clear what, exactly, he's talking about, and despite the fact that at this point, they pretty much have a very good idea what they're in for, since they've had a chance to study you during your four thousand hours of television exposure, Rob. He further says that it's his goal to get the other teams to be "preoccupied" with him and Amber and what they're doing. Gee, I wonder if that will work. In their car, they bump their way down a very nasty dirt "road," which Amber exclaims "should be illegal," it's in such poor shape.
7:53 AM. Oswald and Danny. They reveal that the teams are getting $487 for the leg. Oswald says that he and Danny are "here to compete," as they've already demonstrated, so they're just trying to stay focused. In the car, Danny says that maybe they should "pull over and wait for the other teams." Wait, who would be stupid enough to pull over and wait for the... oh, right. Never mind. Oswald comes back with "I like them... but not that much." Heh-heh.
8:17 AM. Teri and The Hat. Ian says that both in the race and in this one, they adopted "stop, look, and listen" as their motto, and they think it will serve them well. At least they're not aiming too high in terms of strategic complexity. "We are going to have a mah-velous time!" he sing-songs as they head down the hill to their car. They're already having a better time than last time, I think, in the sense that they aren't snapping at each other and they don't seem to be in disagreement about how his name is pronounced. Yet.
8:24 AM. As Eric and Danielle get ready to leave, Eric says he doesn't want her to break her ankles going down the hill. "Don't roll down the hill like Humpty." Danielle: "Humpty?" Eric: "Off the wall? We can call you Humpty-Dumb-Ass." What's great about this is that on the one hand, yes, she sounds dumb not knowing what "Humpty" means. On the other hand, rolling down the hill isn't what Humpty did. It's what Jack and Jill did. So he's not winning any big points for literacy there, either. (Humpty, you will recall, sat on the wall and then had a great fall, prior to getting his own dance. But there was no hill.) I really can't figure out why Eric and Danielle are doing the race together, other than that they both wanted to come and this was their only choice. They totally are not in love, I don't entirely believe they're dating, and I don't even think they like each other. If you watch this bit, they're right to each other, but there's no warmth to the contact, no leaning towards each other or intentionally touching. They're just standing shoulder-to-shoulder. There's just... nothing. It's ice-cold, even without the loud sound of crickets chirping that has been placed here as an accompaniment. Finally, they rip the clue and go. Eric tells us that this is the first time they've raced as a team, and he adds something about how for "people in a relationship, it's added pressure." As I said, I think he may be speaking hypothetically, because I'm less than convinced they're even in a relationship. They look... weirdly indifferent. But he says they've been doing well with no problems, and he hopes it will stay that way. Because he wants the money, and this time, there are no hippies.
8:25 AM. Team Guido. I am all about the matching lime-green outfits they're wearing, which are adorable. I can't describe the cuteness of the hats. I know! Me! Loving a Team Guido hat! Worlds are crumbling! As they drive off, Joe says, "Who says gay men can't drive?" I'm not sure I've heard that stereotype that much, but as of right now, I guess the answer is that no one says that. Bill adds, "It's gay four-wheeling!" That does sound like quite a marketing concept. Run with it! (I'm actually sure that already exists somewhere, so don't get too wound up.)
8:34 AM, Dustin and Kandice. 8:35 AM, Uchenna and Joyce. Kandice says that they weren't all excited about being in sixth place at the end of the leg, They're used to doing a little better, obviously, and not especially accustomed to having to be resilient. In the car, they note Uchenna and Joyce right behind. Joyce tells us that she and Uchenna learned a lot during the first race, and Uchenna throws out some suspiciously self-helpy stuff about in order to have "Mrs. Right" he has to be "Mr. Right." I feel weird pointing out the dueling facts that I don't entirely get that and it strikes me as simplistic, but both are true. Uchenna says he has to be confident that "she can carry her weight, and vice-versa." That technically means she can carry her weight and her weight can carry her, but I don't think that's what he's trying to say.
8:50 AM, Charla and Mirna. Charla is wearing an impressively unattractive and loud sweater, kind of like the ones Phil used to wear in his darkest days of making his head look like an egg. 8:51 AM, David and Mary. Mirna mentions that they're going to follow David, who will be navigating for the group. Mary interviews that she assumed coming into the game that she wouldn't like Charla and Mirna or the way they play, but she likes 'em! Mirna almost immediately gets herself stuck in the mud as they're driving out. Mary and David, suckers to the end, hook themselves to Charla and Mirna's car with the tow rope the teams have obviously been given and alerted to, and they haul the cousins out of the mud. For the moment, at least. "We owe you!" either Charla or Mirna calls out the window. David and Mary take this very literally, believe you me. They are planning to collect. Mirna says in the car that Mary and David are "sweet people" and "totally down to earth." And the great thing is, they're probably not "criminals" at all. In fact, Mirna says they're "definitely the most trustworthy" team. "So I guess you could call it a little bit of an alliance," Mirna says as they keep driving. One thing I can say about Mirna: she hasn't let up on the hot rollers. In fact, I suspect she's winding them a little tighter, if you get my meaning.
9:44 AM. Kevin and Drew. Leaving pretty far behind, they are. As Drew takes a little slip on some apparent horse poo, Kevin interviews that Drew's doing his best under the circumstances of his various physical "ailments." In the car, Drew complains that Kevin hit his sore shoulder, and Kevin responds that he merely tapped it. This doesn't seem like a good sign. "It gets a little frustrating for me," Kevin interviews, "but what's my alternative? Not to do this, so I've just got to keep pushing." As they drive, they manage to get stuck in the mud also. Kevin gets out of the car, and... Drew hands him the tow strap. Kevin's kind of wondering what they're going to attach it to, but it appears to be Drew's plan for Kevin to just kind of... pull them out. So Kevin has the tow strap around his waist, for God's sake, standing directly in front of the car. "I have to be able to see you," Drew says, even though Kevin is... standing directly in front of the car. "I'm the big black thing right in the middle," Kevin says, referring to the jacket he's wearing as opposed to... anything that might make you think Kevin had changed between races more than you would have expected. What's astonishing is that for whatever reason, the combination of Kevin being out of the car, and... maybe Kevin holding the rope?...results in Drew actually driving the car out of the ditch. And right past Kevin. Who is... still attached to the tow rope. It's terrible to laugh, because it's incredibly dangerous and probably as close to a serious physical catastrophe as the race has seen in some time, but Drew basically keeps driving, forgetting apparently that Kevin is still attached to the car. There's some pretty nimble Kevin footwork involved in running along the side of the car and hopping over a giant mud hole in order to avoid being pulled under the car. Seriously, not a good moment, and yet, in retrospect, extremely hilarious. Kevin actually leaps over a giant mud hole. Leaps! Like a ballerina! And then Drew says, "Oh, sorry." Because it kind of slipped his mind that Kevin was attached. That could seriously be the first "Get him a body bag! YEEEAH!" moment of this show, but fortunately, it didn't work out that way.
Rob and Amber reach the airport at Quito. Danny and Oswald, on the other hand, have headed for a travel agency, as is their wont. At the airport counter, Rob asks for tickets to Santiago, and he's offered a route from Guayaquil to Lima, and Lima to Santiago. They'll get to Santiago at 1:50 AM. At the travel agency, Danny and Oswald receive the same advice. Both teams get set on the same flights. As he's leaving, Rob does one of his favorite entirely pointless things, which is asking the airport lady not to "tell anybody else" about the flight. It's one of those little throwaways where maybe someday, he will actually run into a gate agent who finds him as charming as he finds himself. Unlikely. They have to go and set up their flight to Guayaquil separately, which they do. Danny and Oswald's travel agent does the same for them.
Eric and Danielle arrive at the airport. They get tickets from Quito to Lima and Lima to Santiago, which will get them there at 2:30 in the morning. The ticket agent tells them that's the earliest flight, but it's not the agent Rob was talking to, so I fortunately don't think he had anything to do with it. Ian and Teri also get the 2:30 arrival. I think the 2:30 arrival is the earliest you can get from Quito to Santiago without taking an internal domestic flight within Chile, so either that didn't occur to the other agents, or the flight filled up. Ian is sage about the possibility that the teams ahead of him might have a better option. Indeed, we watch as Rob and Amber hop on a 12:45 PM flight to Guayaquil. Back in Quito, Joe and Bill get the 2:30 arrival, with tickets they also seem to be getting from perhaps a travel agency rather than a person at the airport. They tease each other about needing a shower, which surprises me, since I think of them as eternally clean and lint-rolled. Dustin and Kandice also get the 2:30 route. Same for Uchenna and Joyce. Danny and Oswald hop on a 3:00 PM flight to Guayaquil, so they're getting to the connecting city later, but presumably getting the same connection. That may indeed mean that seats from Quito the Guayaquil were hard to come by. Kevin and Drew finally get to the airport, running into Charla and Mirna and David and Mary.
So the deal is: everybody else is on the same flight, arriving at 2:30 in Santiago, except Rob and Amber and Danny and Oswald, who are taking an extra connection and should be getting in at 1:50 AM as a result. At the Quito airport, Mirna tells the ticket lady she needs to check and make sure her "amigo" is on her flight, and she gives Rob's name. Too bad his plan to get other people preoccupied with him isn't working on Mirna and her steel-trap mind, huh? The airport lady tells Mirna there is no Rob on the flight. Mary and Mirna talk about what this means. Because of course, when you're bunched with seven other teams, what really matters is whether there are two teams up ahead of you.
What it means, of course, is that Rob and Amber are now arriving in Guayaquil all alone. At the gate where they're waiting for their Lima flight, Amber talks about their schedule, and Rob says they should be "the first team there." They clearly believed, when they got to Guayaquil alone, that this route was going to be theirs alone. Back at the Quito airport, Mirna is fussing to Mary and David about how this means Rob is on a better flight than they are, while Rob speculates in his interview that other teams may be "paranoid" about where he and Amber are right now. Good guess. Rob and Amber are not that happy to see Danny and Oswald show up at the gate at Guayaquil, and I'm not sure Danny and Oswald are that happy to see them, either. I think both were hopeful that they might be alone in front. It's not that often you get on a plane by yourself anymore, so they had reason for hope. Although it's dashed now, of course. And they don't have much time to think about it either, because they have bigger fish to fry when they learn that their flight to Lima is delayed. Oswald interviews that the lead they had is now a thing of the past.
As the other big group of teams hops its flight to Lima, David stuffs his and Mary's bags into the overhead compartment in first class. He explains that on the last race, they "learned so much," and one of the things they learned is that you always want to put your bags up as far as possible. Drew, already in a foul mood as a result of illness, is unfortunately stuck behind David as David stands there stuffing luggage into the overhead compartment in first class. Drew calls the flight attendant over and says that the bags that just got stuck up there are not first class. He's basically right that you don't put your bags in first class if you're not sitting in first class, and I don't blame him for wanting to put a stop to it, since David wouldn't be doing it if he didn't think it offered an advantage -- an advantage that Drew believes to be unfair. But Drew goes ahead and pulls the packs out himself instead of waiting to see what the flight attendant was going to do, which is where he goes wrong. He obviously should have waited for the flight attendant, not to mention the fact that... it's David and Mary, dude. It's hardly worth being cutthroat, even. David mutters about how Drew moved their stuff, and then he stuffs the bags back up in first class again. "Put your shit where your seat is," Drew grouses, but nothing more comes of it, apparently. Except that David now claims that Drew is "playing dirty." It leaves them in the position of both being dopey, because moving the bags was rude (though reasonable in motive), but it certainly wasn't "dirty." Trying to put your bags where they don't belong is at least as "dirty" as moving them in a way that everyone is aware of. It's not like Drew hid the bags. That's not to mention the fact that David and Mary have apparently decided they love Charla and Mirna and hate Kevin and Drew, which means you have your head screwed on upside-down or something.
Elsewhere, Danny and Oswald and Rob and Amber are chatting about trying to make it to the connecting flight out of Lima that all the other teams are on, so they need to hope the delay out of Guayaquil isn't too long.
Lima International Airport. The teams who came straight here from Quito are already headed for the flight to Santiago, and Rob and Amber are hustling to try to get on it. When they get there, though, they're told that it's too late to get on the flight. Danny and Oswald join them, and though they cajole and ask nicely, they can't get themselves on the flight. "This is not fun," Oswald says, and the flight to Santiago leaves without them. Rob talks about how easy it is, in a short time, to lose whatever advantage you thought you had, and he's certainly right about that.
Commercials. I hide from Lowe's, too, but for very different reasons.
When we return, we see Rob and Amber and Danny and Oswald on a different, and slightly later, flight to Santiago. And then we are in Santiago, just in time to see the lead plane land. Teams hustle for taxis, and Eric and Pink are out in front, followed by Uchenna and Joyce. It appears that Mary is once again in an alliance, waiting at the airport for Charla and Mirna. At the Codelco Building, Eric and Danielle and Uchenna and Joyce open the clue, which is a Roadblock. Phil explains that at this Roadblock, one team member has to go down to the ground floor and solve a puzzle that starts with finding letters of the alphabet scattered around the room. What they need to figure out is that the majority of the letters -- though apparently not all -- scramble to spell the name of a copper mine, which is one of a bunch of mines pictured (with name plates) on the walls. When you think you have the answer, you show it to the security guard, and he gives you your clue.
Uchenna and Joyce read off the "Who has an eye for detail?" clue for the Roadblock, and they agree that she has the eye for detail, so she'll do it. Eric and Pink decide that he should do this one. For once, they actually show the entire Roadblock clue, which says that the room contains "details" that reveal the answer, and that when they have the answer, they'll take it to the guard. Joyce and Eric enter the room at essentially the same time, finding a bunch of guys sitting around the table talking -- nice of them to wait around until 3:00 in the morning. I guess a morning bunching was considered undesirable, given that this would have been an obvious place for one. Eric voices over that when they got in there, they saw letters all over the place -- on people's sleeves and ties and lighters and pens and whatnot. Basically, the key to solving the puzzle is noticing the business about the pictures on the walls. Dustin and Kandice arrive , and Dustin takes the Roadblock and enters the room. Bill and Joe show up fourth, and Bill takes it. So now, we have Eric, Joyce, Dustin, and Bill in the room. Kevin and Drew come, and Kevin takes the Roadblock. That is, assuming Kevin can't claim credit for the Roadblock he already did today, "Jump Out Of The Way Of A Speeding SUV."
Eric and Joyce are the first two to decide to take an answer to the guard. They're both wrong. It appears that Eric guessed "aquarium" and Joyce guessed "planetarium." So they're apparently just randomly mixing up letters to form any words at all that seem to spell the names of places, and that seems... very unlikely to work. As they return and everyone starts milling around again, Dustin looks up at the walls and notices the pictures, so she figures the puzzle out pretty quick after that. There was kind of a perception that Dustin figured this out immediately upon entering the room, like she was some kind of a genius, but it took her at least a little while, so I think it's more that she figured it out before the rest of the yahoos. Dustin connects the letters on her sheet to a place called "Chuquicamata." She leaves and gives her answer to the guard, and she's correct. She and Kandice get the clue, which tells them to fly to Calama, Chile, and go to that very copper mine, Chuquicamata. It's actually the world's largest open-pit copper mine, so that should be fun and not at all environmentally hazardous. In the cab, Dustin calls the thing "frickin' hard," so again, I don't think she got it immediately, savant-style. She just hopes people didn't see her reading it off the picture on the wall. Apropos of nothing, I'm interested in the fact that Kandice has a Nike swoosh on her baseball cap, and I recall Esquire Rob having a Nike swoosh on a shirt that had to be covered up with tape. Maybe they've gotten more lax, or maybe Nike likes being associated with Beauty Queens better than with That Guy.
It's not clear whether Eric did or didn't see Dustin, but he has finally noticed the pictures. However, when he looks at his list of letters, he sees no "H," and there's an "H" in the name "Chuquicamata," so he discards that as a possibility, which buys him a ticket to a world of hurt. He has unfortunately missed the "H" that's on a guy's pen at the big boardroom table.
Rob and Amber and Danny and Oswald land in Santiago and head for the Codelco Building.
Everyone is finding the Boardroom puzzle very difficult. Bill is to realize that there has to be something to this puzzle he's not getting. He figures out the pictures, and Chuquicamata, and he's done, so he and Joe get on their way. Bill also figures out that there are "extra" letters, like an "R," that are just there to throw you off. Bill gets the answer right just as Joyce gives another wrong guess and Ian and Teri arrive at the clue box. (Not sure what held those two up.) Bill's excitement is palpable, because Bill has a very bad poker face, in that his poker face consists of jumping up and down and pumping his fists. As Bill and Joe leave, Uchenna and Pink are increasingly unhappy about the fact that they got here first, and they've now been passed by two teams. "I don't know what's going on in there," Uchenna grumps. Ian takes the clue for his team, because he used to be a police officer and so forth, so he's supposed to be all about spotting clues. Charla and Mirna and Dave and Mary show up at last, and Charla and Mary take the Roadblock. Mirna will take all the Roadblocks with yelling, I guess.
Joyce actually appears to be looking at the pictures on the wall as she says she still has no idea what to do. Mary, on the other hand, comes in and immediately writes down all the names on the pictures on the walls as her first step. Now, Rob and Amber show up, and Amber takes the Roadblock. Oswald and Danny naturally follow, and Oswald takes it. Eric sort of can't believe he's been standing in this room long enough for every other team to show up. Mary calls Charla over and shows her the letters, and basically winds up showing her how to "solve" the thing. Mary goes outside to check on "Chuquicamata," and after she goes, Kevin writes something on his paper and follows her. Kevin winds up waiting behind Mary at the security guard's desk, and because she's a goof, Mary says the answer really loudly instead of showing it to him the way she's supposed to. Mary gets the approval from the guard, and Kevin pats her shoulder and says, "Good job," at which point she turns around and sees that he's behind her. Heh. "Kevin eavesdropped," David noisily complains. How dare Kevin eavesdrop! Everyone knows that Kevin was required to put his fingers in his ears and hum. The funny thing is, Kevin did not stand right over Mary's shoulder or lean intrusively or anything. He stood a respectful distance behind her, and she happened to holler out the answer, which is entirely her own fault.
Teams are lined up at the airport to head for Calama. The BQs and Guidos are at the front of their respective lines. Outside, Oswald and Danny and Rob and Amber are arriving and getting in line. Eric and Danielle pull up . Tickets are bought and bought, and Uchenna and Joyce and Teri and Ian are finally showing up. So now, everyone is in line, and Ian gives Joyce a little kiss for the help with the clue. Now, another ticket agent opens up, and Eric goes walking right over to her, even though he's not in the front of the line. This issue has been addressed multiple times in the past, starting with Blake and Paige, and I continue to feel the same way about it -- you snooze, you lose. There's no honor in the line; there's only the line. But of course, Rob is frustrated, and he says -- not really loudly, but unhappily, "Bro, we're in line here. Come on." Eric says he just went to a new line. Keeping his cool entirely, which is the way you have to handle Rob, Eric tells Rob to just get behind him, adding that Rob would do the same thing and knows perfectly well that he would. Rob interviews with a smirk that he was "just trying to stir the pot up," which is obvious bullshit. He loves this "I meant to do that" routine, where he pretends that he never loses his cool, even partially, despite the fact that it's clearly what happened here.
At any rate, he fortunately has his smart wife with him, and she turns to him and says, firmly but not unkindly, "Don't be upset about it, because you would have done the same thing." Rob tells her he's not upset, he's "making it clear that if that's how we're playing, that's how we're playing." You mean... the way you always play? Silly, this bit. In his interview, Rob "complains," with a hint of smile in the eyes, that he didn't like Amber defending Eric. When they're leaning on the counter and waiting for their tickets, Rob is sort of half-whining but mostly camera-mugging in this sort of, "Baby, you gotta trust me" way about how she has to understand why he does these things. Which, again, is not true. Rob is really skilled at small-scale button-pushing and at large-scale strategy in certain situations, but that doesn't mean every single thing he does is part of a larger plan, much as he likes to make that claim. He got annoyed with Eric, is all, and oddly, it's harder for him to admit to that simple human impulse than it is for him to falsely claim that he was specifically doing it to be a manipulative asshole. Amber listens to all of this with a look of bored amusement on her face, letting him get it out of his system, as is her role as spaz-wrangler. In her interview, Amber says she doesn't care if he wants to be a pot-stirrer, but she says, "It was so wrong, it made him look silly." Hee. I love that. She's like, "It's not that he was being stupid, it's that he was being so stupid." He tells her that they're supposed to be a team, and she's supposed to "have [his] back," but they're both struggling to even keep a straight face through this "tiff." "There's a method to the madness," he says, and she cracks up. Because there's no method, and she knows it -- he just gets frustrated, and if he wants to pretend he got frustrated as part of a grander scheme, it costs her nothing to roll her eyes and blow him off.
In any event, this entire sequence, as well as the entire Roadblock and the leg up to this point, is completely meaningless, because they're all on the same flight to Calama anyway. Ta-da! The Amazing World Map shows that they are headed north from Santiago, and then we are at the Calama airport. Teams run through the airport. There's a great, nostalgia-producing moment where Bill and Joe realize that Kevin and Drew are ahead of them, and just for a minute, I'm totally expecting a "Fatties" joke. But here come Dustin and Kandice, and their driver passes the other teams. This is why I always wind up disliking the BQs -- somehow, they wind up getting a faster driver and then they seem to think it makes them awesome. Rob is often guilty of the same thing, and it bugs me about him, too. Furthermore, as the BQs pass Kevin and Drew, they decide to stick their tongues out and waggle their fingers, which really is not particularly funny when you're as cocky as they are. It's only funny if you show some humility and a sense of humor about yourself, which I've never seen from either one of them, ever. Of course, they giggle at how hilarious they are. Charla and Mirna also pass some teams, as do Rob and Amber.
When the teams get to the copper mine, it's the BQs in the lead, so they're the first to the staging area where they have to stop and put on some safety gear. Drew and Kevin are right behind, then Rob and Amber, then Mirna and Charla. Mirna is even managing to say "Go, go, go" to Charla with what sounds like a... fake Russian accent? I wonder if there's a medication that would treat that. Other teams -- Joe and Bill, Eric and Danielle, David and Mary. Teams start to put on helmets and so forth. The first team to clear the chaos and get to the actual clue box is Rob and Amber (natch). They read the clue, which is a Detour. As Phil walks by a truck with tires twice as tall as he is (I've stood to one of those trucks at the taconite mines up on the Iron Range -- they really are imposing, and if I'm remembering right, those tires cost something like $20,000 each), he explains that the options are By Hand and By Machine. In By Hand, you line up the bolts and washers to secure a giant tire to a truck. When you're done, if the foreman says you did it right, you get your clue. In By Machine, each team members has to take a turn scooping up gravel in a front-loader and moving it over to a post. Because of Rob's construction experience, he knows how to drive a front-loader, so he and Amber take that option. Eric and Danielle want to do the tire (or Eric does; I'm not sure she even talks), and the BQs want the tire as well.
Amber climbs up into the truck. The rest of the teams show up at the clue box and rip their Detour clues. Everybody wants By Hand, with Drew pointing out that Kevin can't drive a stick shift, so they can't do the front-loader anyway. Elsewhere, Amber works on dumping the gravel, with Rob saying in their interview that seeing her do that was "pretty cool." "She did good; I was proud of her," he grins. Danny is giving Oswald directions about putting the washers on the tire, so he seems to be the leader of this particular task. It isn't simple getting the bolts on -- even the normally placid BQs are bickering over whether they're doing it right or not. David tries to tell Mary that she's not putting the bolts on the right way. "Some of these are different," he says. But she blows him off completely -- "What does it matter?" she asks. Well, what indeed? What's the worst thing that could happen? He tries to explain, but she says, "Whatever," and she keeps on working. Elsewhere, Charla declares that she needs a stepstool, and she walks off in pursuit of one that she apparently can see. "Charla, I don't have time for a stepstool!" Mirna yells, in what is apparently part of her "Charla, there's no time, you'll just have to get taller!" theory of completing tasks. Charla is determined, however, and yells back, "I CAN'T REACH IT!" "There is no stepstool!" Mirna yells as Charla runs off. "THIS IS A STEPSTOOL!" Charla yells.
Kevin and Drew are working. And then... okay, Mirna is dragging the stepstool over to the tire. And she's crying. And she says something like... her knees are starting to bleed? Her hands are starting to bleed? From dragging the stepstool? I'm not sure, though does look like a pretty heavy metal thing. The BQs mutter to each other a little bit about the loud nutbarn party that's going on with the cousins, which pretty much only needs hats and horns. Dustin says in an interview through her pageant smile that Charla and Mirna's "style" is sometimes "kind of abrasive." Also, the ocean is salty. Finally, Charla has the stepstool over by the tire, and she climbs up. Mirna tells her she knows how to do it, and adds, "Don't mess around with me!" Nice. The last few teams collect their clues, and Bill and Joe are the only team besides Rob and Amber who want By Machine rather than By Hand. Speaking of which, Rob is now dumping his load of gravel. As Joe and Bill run to the trucks, Joe tries to point out that they both have to do the driving, but Bill kind of doesn't hear him, or doesn't get what he means. It's like he's so excited about running the front-loader that he's not even reading the clue. As if gay four-wheeling wasn't enough, now it's gay heavy equipment. (Oh, settle down.) Rob and Amber, on the other hand, are done, and they collect a clue sending them to the Valley of the Moon. Phil explains that this means taking a marked vehicle and driving 71 miles. On the way there, there's a limit of 40 kilometers per hour. But when they exit the Valley of the Moon, they can go 50 while searching for the Valley of the Dead. So it goes Valley of the Moon, then Valley of the Dead, which is also the Valley of the Pit Stop, because the last team there "may" be eliminated. Rob and Amber hop in their truck.
Bill and Joe move gravel. David and Mary tighten bolts. Trying to tighten one, David torques himself right onto the ground, which is pretty funny, in all honesty. Everybody is finding the bolts pretty punishing, and I'm thinking the front-loader was a way easier task, provided you can drive the truck. Mirna? She's in tears the entire time. People start hollering for the foreman. Uchenna and Joyce have to tighten a couple of theirs. But Danny and Oswald are done, so they're on their way. Uchenna and Joyce have moved up, because they're the to go. Then Eric and Danielle. In the SUV, Danny frets that his manicurist is going to plotz over what he just did to his nails working on those bolts. Hey, you have to keep your priorities straight. So to speak. Bill finally figures out that Joe was right about the front-loader, so Joe climbs in to take a turn. This all sounds really dirty, but it's not, actually. Drew is on a break to take some "medicine," while Kevin continues to work on bolts. And then, awesomely, we see that Charla has Mirna on her shoulders, with Mirna playing the role of this year's side of beef. Why is Mirna on Charla's shoulders if they have a stepstool? Why is Mirna on Charla's shoulders at all? I don't understand this. David and Mary think they're done, and they call the foreman over, but it turns out that their bolts are very, very much not correct. Just as David expected, they're not all identical, and so a bunch of them are on wrong at this point. I wonder how Mary's feeling about blowing him off. Probably really guilty, right? So she'll probably stop acting like that, right?
Bill and Joe complete the front-loader Roadblock. They're on the way, followed by Teri and Ian. Mirna mutters to Charla, "People are finishing, honey." "Look, I'M GONNA HANG!" Charla yells. She decides to dangle from the wrench in order to get more power, so of course, she falls to the ground. And the entire world laughs and tries to pretend it's coughing. Teri and Ian (whom she calls "Eye-an" for the first time this season, because she's a little peevish at the moment) have trouble locating the SUVs they're supposed to take, which is worrisome. They shouldn't need to give you a map to your car. Kevin and Drew finish with the bolts. They leave in seventh place. Dustin and Kandice are not happy about how this is going. Ian and Teri are confused, though, and they get in a taxi and ask to be taken to the entrance. That must have been one confused taxi driver. Mirna and Charla finally finish the task, probably by having Mirna stand directly on top of Charla's head. So now, it's David and Mary and the BQs fighting it out not to leave last. The BQs emerge victorious in this regard, so they leave ninth and Dave and Mary leave tenth. But actually, it turns out that the BQs are only eighth, because Ian and Teri are just now figuring out where the SUVs are, and they're leaving behind the BQs. Mary leans miserably on a tire, because her team is last, and she's actually not plucky; she's kind of a pouter. But don't tell Rosie O'Donnell, or she'll take back her bazillion dollars in free stuff.
Commercials. Actually, not commercials. Checking on the Oscars.
When we come back, Amber is all over the navigation, and she says that the clue makes it clear that you drive into the Valley of the Moon first, and that's how you get to the Valley of the Dead. Meanwhile, Danny contemplates his performance in the bolt task and says he "was a man in a life." That's one of those jokes where you wish they would put at the bottom, "Professional on closed course. Do not attempt." Because that joke ain't for amateurs. Mary, meanwhile, is using precious time to bitch and whine about being in last, while David tries to get the bolts tightened so they can leave. Finally, they get done, and they leave in last place.
Mirna gripes that "the beauty pageant people are following us." Mirna explains that she's paying a taxi driver all her money, apparently so she doesn't have to navigate for herself. She claims the BQs don't realize this, but we soon learn that they actually do. "If you think you're going to use me... I don't think so," Mirna says, going for "sassy" and winding up at "weak." Soon, the cab she's following pulls over. So Mirna and Charla stop, and Dustin and Kandice stop. Mirna and the driver start arguing, and Dustin walks up and says, "Mirna, if he tells you how to get there, we can listen, and we'll get there together." Mirna wants to know if Dustin is going to split the cost, since she's following. Dustin starts to talk about getting directions rather than paying the cab to lead them, but Mirna cuts her off and says that either Dustin and Kandice have to go off and leave now, or else they're all just going to sit here, or else they have to split the cost of the cab. Charla starts chiming in, repeating everything Mirna is saying as she's saying it. "What would you like to do?" Charla demands rudely. "DECIDE." At some point, Mirna and Charla appointed themselves persecuted victims, so they clearly feel entitled to (among many other things) yell at people whenever they want.
When all this hollering and carrying on starts, Dustin sort of doesn't understand why this has escalated like this. She says, "Chill out a second. How much money are we talking about?" Mirna turns to the cab driver and says, thickly accented, "How much dollar you need?" He doesn't understand English if you use connecting words. He tells her he needs a hundred dollars. Dustin tells Mirna that rather than paying all that money, they should have the driver draw a map for them. Mirna kind of isn't tracking, and she's all, "He's not going to draw a map for you!", as if Dustin is asking to have the driver draw a free map for her, and the hell with Mirna and Charla. Dustin is obviously suggesting that on this trip, they don't need to pay a driver to lead them 70 miles on a straight highway. What they need is a map. Dustin's thinking is clearly pretty sound. But Mirna and Charla keep bitching and babbling, so finally, the BQs are like, "See ya, crazies," and they hop in their SUV and speed off. Because the difference between them and Charla and Mirna is that they don't need to follow. That's why Mirna had no bargaining power. The BQs thought the driver might be a good source of information without being paid to drive all the way to the pit stop, but they're okay going on without him. Mirna, on the other hand, is desperate to follow, because she has no confidence in her ability to navigate. In that sense, she had nothing to bargain with when she started freaking out about them following her. Dustin and Kandice were legitimately behind Charla and Mirna on the highway -- what are they to do other than follow? Was Mirna arguing their obligation was to pass? To turn around and go to the other way? What's her suggestion for them? There's only the one road, you know. When Mirna mutters about "freeloaders," it's silly, because they were actually trying to come up with a cooperative strategy that was mutually beneficial and transitory -- they were suggesting something better so that nobody had to go broke paying the driver. Of course, Mirna missed it, and decided that she was being victimized, probably because Charla is small.
So to set the scene here, Mirna and Charla are still pulled over by the side of the road. Mirna is arguing with her cab driver while standing up by his cab, and Charla is back by the cousins' SUV, when suddenly, Charla shrieks that another team is coming. Mirna suddenly has some kind of... I really don't know what she has. She has an apparent mental collapse in which she starts yelling that she doesn't have time for this. Which is... kind of one reason not to do it, if you think about it. Teri and Ian blow by this roadside confrontation, and Ian yells, "Oh my God, it's Mirna and Schmirna!" And the way he says it? Totally delightful. He's thrilled that they aren't last. Now, Charla is up with the cab driver, and Mirna is running back to the SUV, and things have gone bazoo. "Just give him whatever he wants!" Mirna shrieks. "Give him all of our money! Here!" She returns and thrusts the Amazing Purse at the driver. He tries to give it back to her, because she is insane, and now she and Charla are both screaming at him. I seriously have absolutely not one clue what they're shrieking as far as any actual words, so it's pretty much impossible that their driver knows. It's like they've taken all the words they know, poured them into a blender, and thrown the switch. It eventually collapses into both of them yelping at him to tell them what he wants. I suspect all he wants at this point is to get away from them and never, ever have to think of them again. Now, Mirna is shoving a bill at the driver, and she says, in her Mirnese accent, "Twenty dollars to eat food, I give you! I don't eat tomorrow!" That's right: she's going to go hungry, and that should make you want to take her money and lead her 60 miles. And then she's saying "muchos gracias" [sic], and -- you only think I'm making this up -- she's bowing. She is bowing. She's not even in the right country for the offensive stereotype she's embracing. And then she says, "God help you," and apparently... he's taking all their money and leading them. They've given away all their money? So that they don't have to navigate this one single drive? Mary and Dave pass them, but at least they're on their way again. Mirna sniffles about how the BQs "just wanted to use" them. Isn't that always the way? "What planet do you come from?" Mirna asks the BQs living inside her head. "Beauty is sometimes skin-deep," Charla intones in a voice-over. "It's easy to make yourself beautiful with plastic surgery, but to have a pure heart, and to have morals, is not easy to make up." Are the BQs pretty because of plastic surgery? Where is that from?
That's it. As of this point in this episode, in addition to the two remaining teams I previously loved, I am rooting for Team Guido, Teri and Ian, and arguably the BQs. It's like cracks are opening up in the earth's crust, and they're going to swallow us all.
Rob and Amber reach the entrance to the Valley of the Moon. Oswald and Danny enter just after them. In the car, Danny comments on how really cool and crazy the scenery is in the Valley. Oswald tears up as he comments that this just makes him happy to be alive. He actually has a little tear. That would be the tear of humanity that tells you you're still alive in the first place, you know? He pats Danny on the shoulder and says, "Oh my God, I feel like such a bitch." Ha!
Now, a few teams pile up at the entrance to the Valley of the Moon -- Eric and Danielle, Guido, Uchenna and Joyce. Several people comment as they enter that in the Valley, you have to drive no more than 40 kilometers an hour. Remember? Because you'll want to. The signs apparently become confusing here, and it's difficult to really understand what the teams are doing, exactly. If I'm understanding Amber correctly, part of the confusion is that you wind up back on the highway after leaving the Valley of the Moon before you get to the Valley of the Dead, so it's a little strange, because it feels like you're going backwards. Danny and Oswald are a bit confused also, but the two teams make their way up a very bumpy dirt road, and the music becomes more tense in that way that suggests that someone is about to beat someone else. An SUV pulls in at the pit stop. Who is it? Who? Well, it's Rob and Amber, of course. Because it's their world, and the rest of us just complain about it. They run onto the mat. Welcome, Rob and Amber, you're team number one. Phil tells them that they've each won a motorcycle, and unlike the vacation they won last week, this does get a big reaction out of both of them. They hug, and Amber says, "Let's do our dance!" And they start booty-shaking, and I am always in favor of booty-shaking.
A second clump of teams stops at the entrance to the Valley of the Moon. Kandice pulls a Mirna, asking the guy in an accent, "We're going... Valley of Dead." Behind them are Kevin and Drew, Teri and Ian, Mary and David, and Mirna and Charla.
Elsewhere, welcome, Oswald and Danny. You're team number two. They're very happy.
As Kevin and Drew get information from a guy who leans in their window at the gate, Dustin and Kandice decide it's taking too long, so they pull around. I don't know about that. When you pull up to a gate and a guy stops you, it seems like everyone has to stop until they talk to the guy, no? But Dustin and Kandice assume that they are immune from stopping at the gate, so they just drive through the opening that appears when the gate is opened in preparation for Kevin and Drew going through. The guy tells Kevin, in Spanish, that he can only go 40 kilometers per hour in the Valley, but that he can go back up to 50 once they exit. Kevin seems to understand the Spanish, mostly, but I have to wonder if he missed a critical detail. As the BQs squeeze past them, Kevin and Drew decide to get going, and Kevin reminds Drew that it's a 40 kilometer per hour limit. The rest of the teams go through the gate.
Eric and Danielle, Uchenna and Joyce, and Team Guido are now making their way toward the pit stop. When they get to the confusing sign that suggests that left will take you back to Calama, Uchenna and Joyce go right, while Eric and Danielle go left. Eric says that he was only told to take lefts until he got there. Guido also goes left. Pretty quickly, Uchenna figures out that they should have made a left, so they get turned around. When Eric and Danielle's car stalls out temporarily, they get passed by Guido, who are now at the front of the mini-pack they've been with. Bill and Joe park and run, getting to the mat just ahead of Eric and Danielle. On the mat, Bill grins and spreads his arms wide. "Phil!" he says. And then he says, "The girls always get to do it, come on!" Hey, you can't blame a guy for getting in on the Phil action. Bill and Phil hug. Bill and Phil! They should be a children's book. Come to think of it, that would be a really, really good book. Bill could teach Phil about dressing well, and when Bill got obnoxious, Phil would pop a brow at him and send him home. Phil tells Team Guido they're team number three, and they're very happy. Bill leaps right out of the frame, he's so happy. That's one spry dude. Eric and Danielle are team number four; Uchenna and Joyce are team number five.
Dustin and Kandice, who generally fancy themselves geniuses, as you know, take a right where they're supposed to take a left. Back in Kevin and Drew's car, Kevin is explaining that it's a 40 kilometer per hour limit at this point and to the pit stop, so anybody who passes them is speeding. Unfortunately, Kevin has missed the fact that it goes back up to a 50 kilometer per hour limit once you exit the Valley of the Moon and rejoin the highway. Ian comments that the guy at the gate said the speed limit would expire once they made it back to the highway, but Kevin and Drew clearly believe the limit is still 40. Teri and Ian pass Kevin and Drew, as do Mary and David and Charla and Mirna. Mirna's great comment at Kevin and Drew as they pass? "See you, wouldn't want to be you," which... when you compare it to Mirna's vision of herself in which she is the one pillar of maturity in an ocean of children, is pretty hilarious. Kevin and Drew reassure themselves that all these speedsters are clearly going over the limit. Sniffle!
And then, Mary loses her innocence for the 47th time when Charla and Mirna pass her. "When I saw what I believed was my friends trying to pass me? The game was on!" Mary interviews. And... Mary, it's a game. It was already on. Mary bitches in her interview about how she's no longer going to play nice, or whatever, and it's so pointless. Mirna and Charla and Mary and David pass Teri and Ian, who note same. David and Mary now pass Charla and Mirna, and Mirna's all, "They want to pass me? Okay, we have to play games like this." So... Mirna doesn't think you should follow her or pass her. If you are behind her, apparently, you have to quit the race. It's your only choice. Mary and David approach the critical right/left choice, and Mary says that they should go right, because the sign pointing right has "the most words." Boy, the game really is on. Mirna and Charla follow. Teri and Ian go right, though Teri's immediately suspicious that they shouldn't have, and Kevin and Drew go right as well.
Elsewhere, the BQs find a park ranger who sends them toward the Valley of the Dead. So now, they're going back the other way, and as they go, the trailing clump of teams passes them. Seeing the team ahead turn around, however, does not motivate everybody to turn around right away, with the exception of Teri and Ian. Seeing the BQs asking directions and then flipping around the other way, Teri says, "Turn around," and Ian does. No fighting, they just change direction. This time, she actually gets to be the navigator while he's the pilot! Kevin and Drew, in last place, see both the BQs and Teri and Ian doubling back. Drew is anxious, but Kevin wants to keep going.
The BQs finally get to the pit stop. They are very relieved. Welcome, BQs, you are team number six. They're unhappy about being sixth, I'm sure, but they smile anyway, because they are professionals at pretending to be gracious. Teri and Ian are team number seven.
So now, you have Mary and David, Charla and Mirna, and Kevin and Drew fighting it out, and they're all still going the wrong way. David starts to wonder if they should have taken the left. Everybody turns around, including Mirna and Charla, who have once again begged a taxi to lead them, so incredibly terrified are they of trying to find anything on their own. Kevin and Drew cut off Mirna and Charla from their taxi, however, and my favorite part is that Mirna yells, "I have to follow!", as if Kevin and Drew are going to be like, "Oh, okay, no problem," and pull over to make sure they don't impede her progress. And then she starts freaking out, shouting about how Drew drives "like a girl." I wonder if she realizes that urging another team to drive faster is somewhat contrary to the objective here. But once they get going, Mirna starts bitching about the slow driving, which is of course the result of the fact that Kevin and Drew still think the limit is 40 kilometers per hour. Mirna is basically having a breakdown in the car, but there you go. The teams pull into the pit stop.
Charla is crying about all their "hard work" yelling at taxi drivers all day. Drew is worried about his legs giving out. David is lamenting that they should have turned around earlier when they saw the BQs. Charla and Mirna, you are team number eight. David and Mary, you are team number nine. On the mat, with Mirna and Charla standing there, Mary declares herself "dissatisfied," but says she's going to "keep my feelings to myself." Which, of course, she has already not done, but whatever. In an interview, Mary says, "For two races now, all I've done is help people. Charla and Mirna, they were my friends! But after today, what went on today, no! That's the last time I'm going to help anybody." Mary, meet Rupert. Rupert, meet Mary.
And here come Kevin and Drew. Drew follows Kevin weakly onto the mat. They're told that they're the last team to arrive, and you can kind of tell they expect something else to be coming -- namely, news about speeding penalties for all the other speeding speedsters. Or Kevin is, anyway. As soon as he hears that they're last, Drew wanders off the mat. Phil asks him to stay, and Drew comes back, and Kevin tells him to be a good sport. "I am being a good sport," says a pained Drew. Phil tells them that they're eliminated, and Drew leaves again. Drew says he wants to go put his hat on before they do more talking. "He doesn't seem that happy," Phil says observantly. Kevin says that "these were two excruciating legs" for Drew. He says Drew did all the driving, so his back and his neck were under a lot of pressure. When Drew returns with his head covered, he says, "I can't breathe. My back hurts. My feet hurt from driving. My voice is going." In an interview, Drew says, "I didn't quit. I tried my hardest, it's all I can ask." He adds that "Kevin stepped up and held us together." Very level-headedly, Kevin observes, "If I were hurting, he would certainly pick up the slack for me." He says it was a great opportunity, he's glad they did it, and it's too bad it didn't work out. He calls it, overall, "bittersweet."
It's really unfortunate that it didn't go differently for them, partly because the way these two legs went is not a good representation of what they're like normally, particularly Drew. But you go, and you do the best you can. I can't think of three teams in the entire history of the show that I would have wanted to see in that tow rope situation other than these two guys. And that's true even though Kevin didn't manage to get himself run over by a truck.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Mirna tries to freak out on Teri, and Mirna is not -- not -- going to win that one, I will tell you right now. Teri is a shark, and Mirna is a self-important guppy. Danielle freaks out with a fish.