In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. It's sort of fitting that this episode comes on the selection Sunday of the NCAA tournament, because just like the NCAA tournament is a series of single-elimination games, the race isn't one race so much as it is a series of shorter races, and if you do really badly on one of them, you're easily booted. From the opening moments, this is the episode in which Rob and Amber do essentially everything badly, including a bunch of things that don't even really matter that they screwed up anyway, because it was just that kind of a leg. The Detour option they choose befuddles them because they can't spell "Philippines," and then they change Detours and walk the wrong way, and then they get anti-bunched to the very back of the pack, despite the fact that Mirna and Charla would otherwise be behind them. In the end, they've got a lead on Mirna and Charla -- the former of whom, incidentally, is at the height of her obnoxious assholery -- going into a needle-in-a-haystack Roadblock that just doesn't go well, and is undoubtedly made worse by the fact that Rob is so distracted by being stuck battling for last place. In the end, they finish last in a completely pedestrian ending not at all deserving of the sensational previews, except that IT IS ROB AND AMBER AND OH MY GOD. The irony, of course, is that Uchenna and Mirna, the usual suspects in this regard, have to redraw this ending as a morality play having something to do with karmic punishment for bad deeds, rather than taking the happiness they should take from the fact that it was plain old poor racing, having nothing to do with who's a better person and everything to do with the fact that some people can't spell and can't concentrate once they get behind. Anyway, Rob and Amber are gone, and Mirna and Charla get to stay, and the best thing about the leg was that Danny and Oswald won it. Fortunately, Rob and Amber go out well, smiling and agreeing that they had a very bad leg, and they don't appear to be nearly as unhappy about losing as Mirna is happy about beating them, so maybe that's a net positive for the universe. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Damn: Mirna and Charla escaped elimination.
Credits. I kind of dig it that Team Guido comes right after the galloping horses. I can't really explain why that is, but I feel fairly strongly about it.
Commercials. Okay, PC and Mac. That'll do.
Clouds and guitars inform us that we are still in South America, on our roving tour of same, and specifically, we are in Chile. Phil says that amongst the country's "snow-capped volcanoes," we find Playa Petrohue, a black volcanic beach that served as the third, Kentucky-booting pit stop. Thanks, Playa Petrohue! But... Mirna and Charla are still here, so what have you done for me lately? The teams have all enjoyed their "mandatory rest period," and now Phil wonders whether Rob and Amber will remain in first place indefinitely after three straight victories, because that does seem to be the dominant question of the moment. Much to the dismay of...the internet.
6:11 AM. Rob and Amber. The clue they rip tells them to fly to Punta Arenas, Chile, where they'll take a taxi 15 miles to a shipwreck where their clue will be located. It sounds like they have $302 for the leg, but it's very hard to tell, because Rob talks like he has someone else's teeth in his mouth. He interviews that he doesn't mean to be "arrogant or cocky" when he says he knows they're the best team. It just seems that way, of course, because of how he says it all the time, and means it, and occasionally raises the roof inside his head. Amber says they have great communication skills, and just might be "peaking." He laughs. "We're not peaking. I'm not even close to my prime." And he looks at her to see if that sounded too stupid, and it totally did, so she laughs and puts her head on his shoulder, because if you love someone, you put your head on his shoulder when he says something stupid.
6:26 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. Joyce talks about how Rob and Amber beat them frequently during TAR7, but not when it mattered. I like how she's kind of proud of this -- "Overall, we tended to lose to them, but we managed to win the one leg that had the big money attached, and that's why we are awesome." Uchenna says there's "a rivalry" there. But he says it's just "healthy competition." He's not at all upset about the private investigators Rob hired. In the car, Joyce talks about their approximate deficit with start times, which is a little under 15 minutes.
6:28 AM. Eric and Danielle. Eric explains that he has to separate out the relationship aspects from everything that happens while they're racing, and then he says he treats Danielle just like a guy, "except she has nicer boobs." You know, there are compliments, and then there's...that. "You're just like a boobed man" is not exactly what I look for from boyfriends, in terms of warm expressions of affection.
Rob and Amber arrive at the airport and are happy to see that Uchenna and Joyce haven't beaten them there, which makes me assume they got at least a little bit lost. Inside, they ask for flights to Punta Arenas, and they get a flight at 9:40 AM. They ask how many seats there are, and they're told that there aren't too many. They get their tickets, and Amber says that maybe they can do some internet research. Maybe they'll find out that the shipwreck ruulz!!1!
6:48 AM. Dustin and Kandice. Kandice interviews that the reason they're inconsistent may be "overthinking." Eh. Sounds like a job-interview response. Or a response from...you know, a pageant. One of those "my weakness is I'm a workaholic" things. I'm not sure I would hire either of them. They head for the airport as Kandice interviews that she thinks they need to prepare and then just not doubt themselves along the way. Relatively level-headed, that. "We haven't even seen Rob and Amber," Dustin notes. "I couldn't even give you an assessment on them." "Rob and Amber are the team to beat," Kandice says, which is no longer just hype after the three consecutive first-place finishes. I mean, you should totally think of it as a reasonable reaction to a team's performance, and not to the world's most obvious foreshadowing, so clumsy that it could form its own dance studio, only it would teach people how to step on each other's feet.
We check in on Rob and Amber, who are looking up the shipwreck, and they're finding so many paintings of it that they're reaching the conclusion that maybe it's a painting and not a real shipwreck. No! Not a painting! Don't go looking for a painting!
6:51 PM. Danny and Oswald. As they leave, Oswald says that they like to have a good time, and that people stupidly think that for this reason, they're not competitive. Of course, they came in fourth in their season, so anyone who thinks that is dumb, which leaves out at least two or three of the teams still in the race. Danny adds that they will always race with "a sense of style," which they would never be without. God, seriously. In the car, Danny talks about people claiming that he snores, and he says he doesn't always. Oswald says he does -- but then Oswald says that the real snorer is...guess. Do you have it? I bet you don't. It's Kandice, of all people. "Attention, men," Oswald cautions, and they laugh. Wouldn't it be funny if Kandice really did need surgery for a deviated septum?
6:53 AM. Teri and Ian. Big Kahunas! "Let's go, sweetie," she says. Who are these adorable people? Ian says in an interview that they might not be as physically strong as other teams. But they have the hats of the mighty, dammit.
8:05 AM. Team Guido. Look at that time differential from last week, incidentally. Joe says they find life at the back of the pack "humbling," and he says that it makes them feel even more competitive. I know I find it humbling for them to be at the back of the pack. It totally makes me feel old. I wonder why that is.
At the airport, Eric and Pink and Uchenna and Joyce get tickets on the 9:40 AM, and they learn that the flight after theirs leaves at 11:15 AM, so they're thinking anyone who doesn't make the 9:40 will wind up on that flight.
8:11 AM. Charla and Mirna. Mirna wants to go to a hotel and try to call a travel agency about Punta Arenas. Mirna interviews, in an interview I swear I am not making up to be mean, that she works incredibly hard. In fact, she explains, she works harder than anyone else on the race, ever, because Charla can't do anything. We watch as Mirna berates Charla for leaving their Amazing Purse in the car when they arrive somewhere asking about tickets. And why does she have to work so hard? As she explains it, it's "to compensate for any shortcomings." Yes, she really said "shortcomings." And I sat for about five seconds, wondering whether I could think that was funny. I'm not telling you what I eventually decided.
At the airport, the BQs and Danny and Oswald get on the 9:40 flight. After Oswald asks for his tickets in Spanish, Dustin teases that she thinks he told the lady not to let her and Kandice on the flight. "If I were to stab you," he says, "I would stab you right in the front." And he makes a stabbing motion, just so she doesn't miss it. I think he really would stab you in the front, but he'd give you a cocktail to enjoy during your bloodletting. Teri and Ian arrive shortly thereafter, and they try to get on the 9:40 AM also. But they are told when they get to the counter that the 9:40 is closed. Elsewhere, everyone speculates that Rob and Amber are also on the 9:40, unless they got on something sooner. Of course, Rob and Amber are off doing their internet research. The best kind! In fact, in an office at this moment, Rob and Amber are borrowing computers on which they're learning that the thing isn't actually a painting -- it is a real shipwreck. It would have been interesting to see them divert to an art museum. When we return to the Big Kahunas, Teri is still trying to get on the earlier flight. And she's even being polite.
Elsewhere, at a travel agency, Mirna and Charla learn that there's this 9:40 flight to Punta Arenas, but they realize that they'll never make it to the airport on time, so they just book on the 11:15 AM. Eat it! Eat it! ... Oh, sorry. Slight collapse of objectivity.
Back to Teri and Ian. They wait, wait, wait, wait...they can get on! Yeah, I know, it wasn't really that stressful. They're extremely gracious and charming, though. I think they decided this time that she would do the deals with customer service people, heh. Teri tells the camera she's incredibly relieved about making the first flight. They even have a little smooch on the escalator, which I love. Again I ask: what is up with the universe? If Ken and Gerard had been invited, would they have been huge assholes? I do not understand, but I worry about the conservation of awesomeness. Maybe somewhere, Kris and Jon are assholes right now.
Joe and Bill arrive at the airport. They also want on the 9:40, but even though they make great displays of shuffling their backpacks to demonstrate that they're ready to hop right on the plane this minute, they just can't get it done. I'm still glad they did the backpack dance, though, because it certainly amused me personally. The plane boards. Bill wants to know if they can get on. They can't. They argue that the Arr/Dep board indicates that the plane hasn't left yet, so they should be able to get on. They can't. You know, guys, the last time you raced, air travel was a little different, as far as how whimsical it tended to be. I'm just saying. "Okay," Joe finally says. "He's not going to let us on." And indeed, the 9:40 AM flight takes off without them. Tragedy!
And then, here are Mirna and Charla arriving at the airport. Bill and Joe see them arrive from a balcony overlooking the waiting area. Joe interviews, basically, that he and Joe really, really, really, really hate being at the end of the pack. Downstairs, Charla and Mirna get tickets on the 11:15 AM flight to Punta Arenas. Bill and Joe find someone up in the lounge upstairs who tells them that he's going to Punta Arenas also. They have him prepare some directions for him. As the two teams get ready to go, Bill and Joe tell the camera that Charla and Mirna are good about talking to people and getting information, so they have to try to cover themselves by not letting on that they know all about the shipwreck. Charla and Mirna find the Guidos in the lounge. Mirna comments that she's surprised Bill and Joe didn't make the earlier flight. In an interview, Mirna complains some more about how Bill and Joe "ditched" them, blah blah blah. They really should have been in a race with the *wins. They would have loved the *wins. That might have been a lifelong bond, until one team broke it and the other one was crowned Most Superfluously Generous Team Of All Time.
Commercials. And who doesn't love CSI: Miami, really?
We return in time to catch Bill and Joe and Charla and Mirna boarding their 11:15 flight to Punta Arenas.
But hey, let's go to Punta Arenas! Rob and Amber get a taxi, as do all the other teams. "Rapido, rapido," he says to the driver, because it's the law. In an interview, Rob says that Uchenna and Joyce "have no idea where they're going." Amber says that's ridiculous -- their taxi driver could easily know where he's going, just as much as Rob and Amber's does.
More teams pile out of the airport -- Eric and Pink, Oswald and Danny, Dustin and Kandice, the aforementioned Uchenna and Joyce, Teri and Ian. In the Rob and Amber cab, Rob holds up a piece of paper with directions on it, and he says, "This is a little note that the stewardess gave me when I came out of the bathroom. Apparently, Uchenna was trying to get information on where the boat was. What can I say? She handed over the directions right to me." He gives a thumbs-up and says, "Thanks, Uchenna." In Uchenna's cab, he says, "The stewardess was getting -- was writing down this information for me, and Rob comes in and, ah, steals it." So I have no idea what happened there at all. My guess is that the stewardess was writing it down for Uchenna but gave it to Rob, either because Rob said he'd give it to Uchenna, or because the stewardess had seen them together and asked Rob to give it to Uchenna, which seems likely based on the "she gave it to me when I got out of the bathroom" explanation. Or else Rob did something in the bathroom that was worthy of receiving directions. What? I'm just coming up with ideas.
Rob and Amber arrive at the shipwreck first and find the clue box. The options are Navigate It or Sign It. In Navigate It, you use a map of the city to get to the town plaza, where a sailor gives you a compass. They'll use the compass to head straight south to the Nautilus building, where they can get a clue. In Sign It, you pick a pole and some building supplies, and you bring them up a set of stairs, where you construct a signpost (like the one on M*A*S*H, but without the mileages) showing the cities on Magellan's route. You have to figure out that it started and ended in Seville, and then you have to list the fourteen ports in the right order. Phil says that the signs don't have to point the right way, but that the cities have to be spelled right. For whatever it's worth, Rob and Amber later interviewed that the clue said the opposite -- it didn't mention spelling, but did say the arrows had to point right. Again, that's worth as much as you want to put weight on it. Amber asks if Rob wants to do the compass, but he says he's more comfortable with the building thing. Oswald and Danny choose the navigation. Uchenna and Joyce, however, choose the signs. Teri and Ian go with navigation, and the BQs take the signs.
Navigating teams take off. As Rob and Amber look at a map of Magellan's voyage, she thinks they're supposed to start with Guam, which is at the far east of the map, but Rob knows that Magellan started and ended in Seville. I have no idea why Rob knows this, but I suspect that there's a dirty song about Magellan, yellin', Seville, and thrill. It's just a guess. Uchenna and Joyce, however, conclude that the first city is indeed Guam. Wrong! They don't know the melody.
The navigating teams tear through their Detour. They find the sailor, they walk south. This is the easiest thing I've ever seen.
The BQs read the instructions. Rob spells "Philippines" with two Ls, so that's a problem. That's a pretty understandable problem compared to the fact that he also throws an "e" in there, and the word kind of comes out looking like it's a type of legume.
The Big Kahunas follow their compass. Eric and Danielle find the Nautilus Building, making that, as stated above, just about the easiest Detour of all time. It seems like they kind of half-assed the navigating, because it seemed way too easy. The clue they receive from the guy at the building tells them to make their way to a nearby airport, where they'll sign up for one of two charter flights that leave three hours apart, which will take them to Ushuaia, Argentina. Hey, at least we're out of Chile, finally. When they land, they'll go to Playa Larga. Oswald and Danny finish the Detour right after Eric and Pink, so both of these teams are on their way. In the car, Pink says that they're on the way to the airport to get a charter plane to "Australia." Eric corrects her that it's Argentina, not Australia, then wryly adds, "We'll get a charter to Australia. We'll have to stop for gas 8000 times." She's so dumb that it's not that funny, except...okay, it's pretty funny. The thought of a charter plane going fifteen minutes at a time...yeah, it's funny.
Rob and Amber pick up their sign and show it to the judge, and...I have to say, I don't know if the clue said spelling counted, but this would seem to cast doubt on their claim that the clue said the arrows had to face the right direction. Because all their arrows point the same way, and logically, if it's a trip around the world, the ports of call wouldn't all be in one direction. (Except in the sense that the earth is round, which is kind of not the point of the sign with the arrows in the first place.) But the sign says "Phillipeans," in any event, so that's that, and it doesn't matter. There's a disembodied voice of Rob that says "it better not be a spelling thing," but there's no indication of the context, so I'm a little wary of putting too much faith in that clue. You might well wonder aloud if it could possibly be spelling, even if you weren't told spelling counted. In fact, that kind of makes the most sense to me, that they weren't told it was spelling, and this question was a form of, "You don't think spelling would be a problem, right?" I think they assume the task is putting the right cities on the signs in order, not spelling the cities correctly, necessarily.
Uchenna and Joyce's first attempt is also wrong, because they have Guam at the beginning. Guam is not the beginning! Guam is...partway through! Depending on Guam's relationship to Spain!
Teri and Ian find the Nautilus Building and get their clue.
Intriguingly, Dustin and Kandice discuss whether the arrows have to point the right way, and they look around at other people's work, but they also seem to have their clue and their information, and they conclude that the signs do have to point the right way. I'd be really curious to actually know what those instructions said. Uchenna and Joyce offer up their new arrangement of signs, and I have to say...while Rob can be a real whiner about outcomes, I am sympathetic to the point he made that it's hard to argue that spelling was a big factor when Uchenna and Joyce's sign is, in many respects, completely illegible, and it's impossible to tell what the fuck it says. The second sign from the top? I have no idea what that says. Maybe "Keyser Soze." They get turned down this time, too, and Joyce suggests that the order is off.
Elsewhere, Oswald and Danny get to the airport and are first to sign up for the charter. They offer a little dance, which is much appreciated, of course. Eric and Pink arrive , and they're second. Everyone wonders where Rob and Amber are, but Rob and Amber are back at the Detour, holding up their sign again. It isn't accepted, so she wonders if they should switch Detours. There are still two teams not there, she reasons, and they might still be able to stay in good shape. He wants to keep trying, but she wants to switch. Interestingly, he now has "Celebes" spelled as "Celebs," although earlier, on their first try, he had it right. The second time, he followed his instincts, which is always a mistake. They make another shot, and it's still not working. Rob thinks they have to be close to having it right, so he returns to the map to look at the cities. And yes, you would think that if he were fully aware that spelling counted, he'd have looked, which is another thing that makes me suspect maybe "the spelling wasn't specifically mentioned" is true. Dustin and Kandice aren't having much luck either. "I think we're confused," Dustin says.
At the airport, Teri and Ian arrive, and they're somewhat surprised to be third to sign up for the first charter. And as they celebrate, a hat drops out of thin air and lands on Ian. He looks around, surprised. "Up here!" he hears. He looks up, and Eric and Pink and Danny and Oswald are hooting down at him. They all discuss the fact that the layover is a full day, so they're not leaving until tomorrow. This is not the group I expected to find in first place in the middle of the fourth leg, that's for sure.
At 1:25 PM, the second flight arrives carrying Joe and Bill and Charla and Mirna. The teams that have finished the Detour see these teams who have just arrived at the airport and are on their way to the Detour, so the leaders are seeing the bottom-feeders, which I always think is cool. Both of the trailing teams get on their way to the shipwreck.
At the Detour, Uchenna and Joyce finally figure out that Magellan started in Spain. So they finally have the sign right, and they receive their clue. Rob looks at the sign and says miserably, "I don't get it." Well, he knows how to give a good, meaty target to his haters, anyway. In the car on the way to the airport, Uchenna is very excited about the way this is going.
Mirna and Charla pass Guido on the way to the shipwreck. I'm sorry, but I just do not find taxis passing each other quite as exciting as I sometimes sense this show wants me to. But I do like the part where Joe sticks out his tongue, because Guido being petty is always in order. Always.
When Uchenna and Joyce get to the charters, they find that they missed the first one. They are on the second -- and last -- plane. They meet up with Teri and Ian, and Uchenna quickly realizes that everyone -- every single person -- who did Navigate rather than Sign is there. I do think this was about as lopsided a Detour as they've ever done, as it definitely had a right choice and a wrong choice, no matter who you were. The navigating appeared to be absurdly easy, and just choosing Sign, even if you completed it relatively decently, seemed to doom you to winding up on the second charter.
Dustin and Kandice approach Rob and Amber about switching Detours together, presumably figuring they can both stay ahead of the two trailing teams. Rob tries one more time, but when it doesn't work, the teams agree to go and do the navigating together, rather than staying here trying to do navigational signs until they die of old age on the show Rob and Amber: The Geriatric Years.
What is presented as shortly thereafter, Mirna and Charla and Bill and Joe arrive at the Detour, and they choose differently. The ladies (used loosely) choose the signs, and the gentlemen (used not loosely at all) choose the navigating. Mirna and Charla head out to get their supplies. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber and Dustin and Kandice find the sailor, but they kind of stand around checking their map.
Mirna and Charla, in the meantime, are trying to carry their supplies up the stairs, but the main way they're going about it is that Mirna is screaming at Charla that she's doing it wrong. For some reason, and I really don't know what that reason could be, Mirna seems to feel that she is entitled to tell Charla how to do everything, and she's just ordering her around like Charla is a kid. "I don't understand what's wrong with you, Charla! You're wasting a lot of time!"
At the town plaza, Bill and Joe catch up with Rob and Amber and Dustin and Kandice. One very happy team, two very unhappy teams. "This is north, so that is south!" Joe happily says, and Guido is gone. Seriously, Rob and Amber and Dustin and Kandice are sucking wind. Mirna orders Charla around. The Guidos walk. Rob tries to cut a corner of the Detour by saying that he thinks he knows what they're looking for, and it's a naval museum that he sees on the map. Of course, everybody just follows him, because that's what people do, and it's what makes him both a valuable ally in Survivor and a dangerous ally here.
Mirna continues to yell at Charla. As Charla hauls the big, heavy pole up the stairs, Mirna hollers at her that she's wasting time, and Charla screeches that she can't go any faster than she's going. Mirna yells at her to put the pole down, calling her "honey" and saying "I'm trying to help you," like Charla's an infant. She harangues and nags until Charla finally stands on the stairs screaming, "OKAY WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Mirna does not have a smart answer to this, because she doesn't think this way. She's unhappy with you now; that doesn't mean she'd be less unhappy with you if you did something different.
Commercials.
We return to Charla and Mirna, still trying to huck the painting supplies up the stairs. Mirna says the pole weighs 70 pounds. I think she's guessing. I don't think she's ever lifted 70 pounds, somehow.
In fifth place, Team Guido pulls the clue directing them to the charter flights. In the taxi, they're giggly-excited, thanking "God in heaven" for the break.
Rob and Amber and Dustin and Kandice find the museum Rob had in mind, but of course, that guy doesn't have the clue, because he is not the Nautilus Building. The Nautilus Building is the "corner," which I find odd, because they certainly didn't go very far if going the wrong way was the "corner" from going the right way. They all run for it. "This is ridiculous; what a day," Rob laments. Neither Dustin nor Kandice turns and gives him a heel in the throat, which I sort of expected, but I blame them for following him, too. I mean, look at the map, you know?
Charla and Mirna have the sign wrong on their first try. Charla suggests that they switch. "I don't know this answer, and you don't seem to know it either," Mirna says. They leave on the other Detour. Mirna is sure disappointed in Charla and in how she never does anything.
Finally, Rob and Amber and the BQs find the Nautilus Building and the clue for the charter flight. They head for the airport. In the BQ cab, Kandice opines that hooking up with Rob and Amber doesn't seem to have been an extremely beneficial maneuver. Rob, meanwhile, says in his cab that it's one of their first times not being near the front, and he finds it "frustrating." And by "frustrating," he means "for five minutes inconceivable, then infuriating, then agitating, then annoying, and then he finally cools down to "really trying to beat everyone."
Mirna totally goes "into the map," a la Joey from Friends, just as one of the EEFPs pointed out. She puts her actual feet on it to demonstrate where they are and where they have to go. Oh, Mirna. I couldn't make you up.
Rob and Amber get to the airport and find themselves on the second charter. "Whatever," Amber says. "We'll kick butt against them." Meanwhile, Mirna and Charla are getting the charter clue. And then, they're getting a taxi, and Mirna is blowing the whistle! I love it when Mirna blows the whistle! Toot! They get in the cab. At the airport, Rob and Amber note the arrival of the BQs. They then have a chat in which he laments the three-hour difference in flights, and she says it's okay, and he says he knows it's okay, and she gets frustrated and says she's trying to "comfort" him, which nudges him into saying he doesn't need that, and now they're in a bit of a bicker. She leans back, saying that's fine, she won't ever try to comfort him again, and he insists that he's not upset, because there are five other teams with them. Amber mini-interviews to the camera that Rob is "full of crap" because he won't admit that he wants to finish first, not just avoid finishing last. "He's deeply upset that we're not on the first plane," she says confidently. "And it just makes me mad, because he lies." She looks at him. "Admit that you want to be in first." He pauses. He looks at the camera and smiles. "I want to be in first," he says. Heh.
Mirna and Charla get on the 11:00 AM charter.
The day, the first charter plane leaves, carrying only Danny and Oswald, Teri and Ian, and Eric and Pink. They land in Ushuaia at 10:45 AM, and they grab taxis to Playa Larga. Teri and Ian get out first, it appears. Then Danny and Oswald, and then Eric and Pink. The Big Kahunas are the first to the beach, but unfortunately, they run right by the clue box, and the Frenetic Zither of Mistake-Making indicates as much. "Teri, would you please come with me," he asks. Meanwhile, Danny and Oswald and Eric and Pink pile out of their cabs, and Danny and Oswald are the first to find the clue. It tells them to take a taxi to "the post office at the end of the world." This requires taking a boat that leaves every 20 minutes. Each boat can carry two teams, so you pull a number when you get to the dock to wait. Then, at the "southernmost tip of South America," they'll find the post office where there will be another clue for them. Danny and Oswald and Eric and Pink are on the way. Teri and Ian, meanwhile, realize their mistake and turn back. If they're going to start screeching, it will be about here.
The remaining five teams get on the second charter. "This sucks," Rob remarks.
"Hoo-rah!" says Ian as they pull the clue sending them to the post office. There's one little moment where he says, "Come ooooon," and she says, "Stop it," and for a minute, it seems like they might fight. Fight! Fight! But they don't. I bet CBS is really mad. It's not like they would have been invited so they could tour the world and get along, those assholes.
The Danny and Oswald cab arrives at the national park where the boats apparently are. They're tightly followed by Eric and Pink. Ultimately, Eric and Pink slightly get their number ahead of Danny and Oswald. It would have been interesting if the circumstances were different, because it looks like Eric pulls the number before Pink is there, and if it mattered, would that be allowed? I don't know. It doesn't matter, because the two teams are literally in the same boat leaving the dock. Teri and Ian arrive shortly thereafter and take number three.
Danny and Oswald and Eric and Pink reach the post office. They get to the clue box. "Come here, darling," says Oswald. "Let's read together the Roadblock." That line, incidentally, is the best single capture of Oswald's precise personality than anything else. Not because he is fabulous and says "darling," but because it's simultaneously very sincere and very funny. Like, he means it. He thinks you're darling. And he really think it's time to read the Roadblock. But he also would like you to smile. Phil explains that in the Roadblock, the chosen person has to "sort mail." Specifically, they have to choose a full mailbag and sort through 1600 envelopes to find one of two addressed to their team. The letter, he says, was written by one of the other teams they originally raced with. When they have their letter, they have to read it out loud to receive their clue.
Oswald takes the Roadblock, as does Eric. Pink says Eric has to do it, because he has all the luck. Good thinking. Oswald starts making piles, but he quickly loses one on the floor and just decides to leave it.
Teri and Ian get a boat by themselves, since nobody else is there yet.
The second charter lands. Teams run from the airport and get cabs, but Rob and Amber aren't out in front as they usually are. (He later said in an interview that their camera guy was held up at customs, which, given their general tendency to be first out of the airport and the fact that we know from past racers that this can happen, certainly seems plausible.) It looks like the first team out is Dustin and Kandice, then Guido, then Uchenna and Joyce. Trailing behind are unsurprisingly Charla and Mirna, and quite surprisingly Rob and Amber. Amber explains that all the available taxis were snapped up by other teams, so now they have to wait. Rob and Amber start walking down the street along which they think a taxi would have to come. Charla and Mirna talk to a guy about calling them a taxi. "This bites," says Rob as he and Amber walk down the road. "If a taxi comes that he called, he will get it first," Charla says, indicating Rob, whom she can see down the street. As they walk down, a taxi shows up, and there's absolutely no indication of whether it's their taxi or not. If they do, their driver doesn't seem to know it. They run down the road trying to flag it down, but Rob and Amber are already in it, and according to my general "the taxi is yours when you're both in it or when the driver accepts your fare" rule, Charla and Mirna lose either way. This doesn't stop them from tapping on the window and so forth. "You're crazy, we called too," Rob says as he sits in the cab. There's certainly no indication that they called, though I suppose they theoretically could have. Either way, it doesn't appear to make any difference, since I think all the cab driver cares about is getting the fare and leaving. Charla and Mirna get another cab, which could also perfectly well be the one they called. In fact, it doesn't seem likely that the one they called would have arrived instantaneously with the phone call, as it appeared that one did, since they barely got walking down the road before it pulled up. Charla whines about how Rob and Amber took "their" taxi. The fact that she has no idea whether this is true doesn't slow her down, because some family traits really are family traits.
I can't believe I've spent more than five years arguing over who is entitled to get in a taxi. I did not go to school for this.
Oswald and Eric are still working on the Roadblock. Out the window of the little tiny post office, Danny is commenting that he doesn't have the patience for a task like this, but he's "a good cheerleader." And in fact, he lets out a happy yelp when Oswald finds the clue. Their letter turns out to be from Blake and Paige, the Notorious T.E.E.T.H. The letter says that they assume Danny and Oswald could either be about to be eliminated, or about to win. Danny and Oswald later interview that they found the letter "very nice." In the letter, just the scraps shown on screen suggest that the letter is all about how they're probably eliminated, so they should sit back and be happy about what a great race they had. So..."go, complacency"? They collect their clue. It tells them to "search the island on foot" for the pit stop. Phil says that if you follow the path around the island, they'll find the pit stop, which is an overlook. Last team to check in may be eliminated.
Eric finds the letter to him and Pink from Dani and Jeremy, logically enough. It talks about being jealous that they're on the race, because Jeremy and Dani are the cool ones, and all that stuff you would basically expect from people without very much imagination, but with a lot of free time and beer. It also says "no babies on the race." Adorable. Because nothing cracks up producers like unplanned pregnancy! They collect the pit stop clue and take out after Danny and Oswald.
Teri takes the Roadblock. "Come on, sweetheart," Ian says happily. Okay, seriously, who are these people? "The needle in the haystack, 'member?" he says. Aw. They talk just like us! Okay.
The BQs and Bill and Joe pull up at Playa Larga. I'll tell you, you should see Joe hurdle the guard rail, dude. If I'm like that in my fifties, I'm going to be happy. If I'm like that tomorrow, I'll actually be happy. Uchenna and Joyce are here as well, and Bill and Joe are the first to the clue box, followed by Uchenna and Joyce and the BQs.
In the Rob and Amber car, he says they might be in last place or second-to-last place. She says they don't always have to come in first, and he thinks they "still might be able to." With three other teams ahead of you by three hours? I think not. Charla, meanwhile, says she wants to win. Good.
Teri is still looking. Ian assures her they'll be fine, because no other teams are there. She asks how long she's been looking, and he very sweetly (honest) says to take her time. And then he throws a stick at her! Okay, not really.
Oswald and Danny are hunting for the pit stop, and they're going to be first, even though shots of Eric and Pink are used to try to create confusion. Welcome, Oswald and Danny, you are team number one. They hug and smooch, and Phil tells them that they have won a trip to Maui. With sea turtles and dolphins! "Will you come with us?" Danny asks. "That's a whole different reality show," Phil says. And...one that I would totally watch, I have to say. But I'd have to lie down for the whole thing. And I'd probably choose to.
Teri is still looking; Ian is still encouraging.
Eric and Pink, you are team number two. They actually kiss each other, albeit not all that enthusiastically. At least it was a moment of acting like a couple.
Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna are looking for Playa Larga. Rob and Amber get out first, and they miss the clue box and head down the path. Zither! They note the arrival of Charla and Mirna. Mirna yells to Charla to follow Rob and Amber, who are already figuring out that this is not the right path. As they pass, Charla (it sounds like) yells out, "Did you find it?" And Amber says, almost like it's to herself, "Got it." So, of course, Mirna and Charla try to mooch by running down the path that Rob and Amber are coming back from. Rob mentions that it was helpful that he was holding the clue, which undoubtedly created the impression that it was the clue. In an interview, Amber says she sort of can't believe Mirna and Charla took her word for it that the clue was down the path. Mirna says, as she stands around not finding the clue, "It's not here. Let's go." In an interview, Mirna crows that she knew Amber was obviously lying. Well...you did once you went and looked down there and saw that the clue wasn't there. "As an attorney," Mirna says, "I can tell when somebody's lying." What she has just said is completely contrary to everything I know about (1) her, (2) lawyers, (3) science, and (4) WHAT JUST HAPPENED. She doesn't know when people are lying, lawyers don't know when people are lying, almost no one knows when people are lying, and she just didn't know that Amber was lying. Does she forget about the cameras, do you suppose?
Rob and Amber pull the clue for the post office. "Don't count us out," Rob says in the car. Mirna and Charla get their clue . What's awesome is that in the car, Mirna is still convincing herself that Amber was lying: "Amber said, 'We got it!' If she got it, where was it? Who does she think she's dealing with here?" I'm just going to...assume that's rhetorical.
Teri finds her letter. She and Ian read it. It's from Flo and Zach! Aw. I miss...him. But I kid Flo! Because seriously, Mirna makes me miss Flo. ["Nothing makes me miss Flo." -- Sars] What I love is how excited Teri is that the letter is from Flo and Zach. She's just openly, transparently fond of them in a way you can't fake, which is very nice to see. You can see enough of the letter to see that it's very affectionate and sweet, and that it says they hope Teri and Ian didn't bring the paper underwear. It promises to recommend "nice wicking fabrics." If Flo did that line, I may have misjudged her. Email me, Flo! Teri beams as she reads the signature line, and then she and Ian get their clue. How did a scene involving Teri AND Ian AND Flo become something that almost made me well up?
Oh my God, it's me. I'm...broken.
Okay, so now, that little clump of teams -- Guido, the BQs, and Uchenna and Joyce -- are arriving at the dock for the boats. Uchenna and Joyce get a bit behind, and the BQs and Guido take the boat, while Uchenna and Joyce will have to wait for the one after that.
Welcome, Teri and Ian. You are team number three. Good for them. Phil's coat, incidentally, is outlandishly beautiful. Wooly on the inside, suede-y on the outside...Phil has definitely returned to Phorm, in the best way.
Rob and Amber pull their number at the dock, and they're number seven. They chat with Guido, the BQs, and Uchenna and Joyce, and Amber talks about how Mirna and Charla kept following them, and they explain how they indicated that they had the clue when they were on the way out. Bill puts his hand to his head and laughs faux-disapprovingly but not really, Joyce howls with laughter, and Uchenna grins. The BQs are laughing, too, as Amber explains how Mirna and Charla wound up looking all over the place. It's very clear that the other teams find this rather hilarious.
The BQs board what they call their "bota." Which...not so much. They and the Guidos take off just as Charla and Mirna arrive at the dock, loaded for bear. Charla walks up to Amber. "Amber, what happened there, why did you lie?" Charla asks, all faux-cheerful. Now, obviously, reasonable minds can differ about this sequence, but frankly, I think Amber saw it as a sort of a game. I mean, Charla isn't really asking "why" they lied. She knows they lied, and she knows exactly why they lied. It's not exactly a mystery. So it isn't really a question; Charla just wants to provoke a confrontation, and by playing innocent-sweet "why did you lie?" games, she just wants to make it awkward. So because Charla is playing innocent, Amber plays innocent, too: "Why did I lie to who?" Heh. Charla goes on to complain about how they said "I got it," and Amber says that she was talking to Rob, and she'd "got it" only in that she figured out where to find the clue. See, here's the genius in Amber's answer, to me: in order to really be pissed off, Charla has to admit that she and Mirna were trying to follow Rob and Amber. I mean, why are you listening to what other teams are saying in the first place, right? So Amber sort of has Charla over a barrel, here. How indignant can you get, really? And Rob's like, "You guys thought we had the clue?", and he's obviously being jokey, I think, if Mirna was at all paying attention. And Amber's all, "We're soooorry," and...like I said, to me, this was just a game, which Amber believed they were all participating in. I mean, when she's saying she wasn't talking to them at the end, Rob is literally laughing out loud. Frankly, even Mirna is grinning, and how often does that happen? I don't really believe anybody thought Amber was literally denying that she lied. Amber says in an interview that obviously, she made them think she had the clue by yelling that she had it, and Rob says with a grin, "See, I told you I'm rubbing off on her." In an interview, Charla sagely explains that she didn't believe Amber's explanation that she was actually talking to Rob. Good on you, Charla. Don't let anybody fool you. More.
So now, Mirna and Charla are all alone on the last boat, and one of them says, "We're done." I so wish.
Commercials. What music kept Kevin and Drew going? I'm not even going to say anything, because it would all be rude, and I would get emails with frowny faces in them.
We return to find Charla and Mirna huddling on the dock for warmth. I really, really wish I were making that up. Seriously. They are huddling. And talking about what a disadvantage they're at. It's like something from Dr. Zhivago-my-God-shut-up.
On the Guido/BQ boat, one of the BQs comments that Charla and Mirna will be in rough shape. And then she laughs. Because it's appropriate to do so. When they and the Guidos get to the post office and pull the clue, it's taken by Kandice and Bill. Joe advises Bill not to cry when reading the letter. Ha! As they start looking through papers, Joe reminds Bill lightheartedly not to ruin his manicure, and Kandice comments, "I wish I had a manicure for this." Joe says that she can use his buffer later. "Thank you, darling," Kandice says. Heh. I'm liking the BQs a lot better, for sure, especially if they get on with old-school cool people. In which group I am now including Team Guido, because I just follow the breezes of my whim.
In the Rob and Amber and Uchenna and Joyce boat, people look stressed. Uchenna interviews that he felt "the tension of competition" in the boat. Uchenna appears to say that he "felt the desire to beat Rob and Amber" after "the Charla and Mirna lie," but it's a very suspiciously chopped-up quote. I certainly hope that he wouldn't be enough of a bonehead to complain about the lie after he and his wife were laughing about it. I mean, if you eat the first lie, you can't very well get righteously indignant about what was fairly obviously a lot of screwing around at the dock after the fact, in which Amber was merely throwing Charla's self-righteous "poor me" routine back in her face. I think, fortunately, that Uchenna's not claiming he had anything to complain about.
Charla and Mirna wait on the docks. Will they be captured by the Visigoths? Only time will tell. I wonder if the Visigoths are cannibals at all.
Bill finds the letter for him and Joe, and he runs outside to read it. And here's what we hear Bill read: "Yes yes, y'all, feel the friction in my diction, funky fresh to death, flippity flip flop, hip to the hippety hop hop, eeeeee, ahhhhhh, poobety, pibbety pow, bing, bang, kappooey, I hope reading this annoyed you as much as you annoy me." And if you don't know by now that this is the work of Loud Pushy Frank, I cannot help you. Hee. Joe and Bill laugh hysterically, because you can't not love Loud Pushy Frank. He's loud and pushy! In an interview, they simply say that it was so "creative" that they "loved it." Heh. "It didn't annoy us at all," Joe says with perfect fuck-you bitchiness. I love Joe a little, but don't tell him.
As Bill and Joe take off from the Roadblock, Kandice keeps hunting. They wonder whether their letter will be from Lyn and Karlyn. Heh. Bill and Joe leave, with Joe all, "Don't drive me crazy running!" You can tell they're a little older than they were last time. But delightfully so. Finally, Kandice unearths their letter. It turns out that it is written by Lyn, and apparently, Karlyn didn't participate for whatever reason. Lyn's letter acknowledges issues between the teams, but signs off "TAR 10 for the win, Lyn." I always knew Lyn was the nice one. In an interview, Dustin reminds us that Karlyn was the one they hated, in case you forgot, although her words are that Karlyn was "less warm." As they leave with their clue, they're still shocked that they really did, after all, get a letter from, as they say, "'Bama."
Uchenna and Joyce and Rob and Amber get to the Roadblock. Rob and Joyce take it for their respective teams. Amber interviews as the two get started that she's done the first two Roadblocks, so Rob felt like he wanted to do one.
Welcome, Bill and Joe. You are team number four. They are very excited. Bill always jumps up and down, because that's the guy he is. And they kiss right on the mouth, which wasn't so much shown during their original race, and look how things look different in less than six years, you know? "Could you be any more in love?" Phil asks, and it's...almost like the show feels like it owes them something for last time in this regard. Which it kind of does.
Uchenna calls out, "There you go!" as Joyce looks. "Make sure you look at each letter carefully, babe!" Amber calls out.
Welcome, Dustin and Kandice. You are team number five.
"This can't be them already," Amber says as Charla and Mirna pull up. "You've got to be kidding me," Uchenna says in disbelief. Their reactions lend some credence to the later explanation offered by Rob and Amber that the boat they shared with Uchenna and Joyce carried extra equipment, and arrived only about five minutes before Mirna and Charla's, despite leaving 20 minutes earlier. I think Uchenna's instinctive, disbelieving "you've got to be kidding me" lends a fair amount of credence to that explanation. Mirna takes the Roadblock. Rob and Joyce both allow some letters to fall from their stacks onto the floor, but then Joyce finds the letter, and she's out. It turns out that their letter, for reasons unknown, is from Susan and Patrick. What, Megan and Heidi weren't available? Whatever. At any rate, Uchenna and Joyce's letter, while friendly, predictably is obsessed with Rob and Amber and the hating thereof, because apparently, Patrick cannot let it go after several years have passed. I wonder if it ever occurs to people like this that if you only have 100 or 200 words to talk, you don't want to occupy it all with commiserating. They head for the pit stop.
So now it's just Mirna and Rob. Charla knocks on the window and gives Mirna advice about looking at two particular envelopes, and Rob is frustrated and flustered, so he tells Mirna that Charla isn't supposed to help her. I think there's some truth to the fact that the non-Roadblock person is supposed to cheer the person on but not help with the task, and he may technically have a point, but the reason he's pushing it is that (1) she's a bitch, (2) he's incredibly frustrated that she showed up after five minutes instead of 20, and (3) she's a bitch. Wait, did I already say that one? Anyway, Mirna's all, "You know what? Shut the hell up," and if it were anyone else, then maybe, but from her, it's so absurd, because she is five times as entitled as he is, and that's what he's being right now, is entitled. My favorite part is where she says, "I said, 'Pray to our deceased grandmother to help us,' fuck, you wouldn't have a clue what that means." What, asking dead relatives to help you on a game show? I'm not sure I know what that means, either, and I still don't think I'd presume to tell other people how much they care about their dead relatives.
Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce. You are team number six.
Of course, Mirna finds the letter to her and Charla first. "See you! Wouldn't want to be you!" she yells. Because she's a well-trained lawyer. If you're hoping to get much satisfaction from the letter, you won't, because it was written by Lance and Marshall. Meaning...it's like the suck leading the suck, or insulting the suck, or something. It talks about how the guys hope they were eliminated, and how they should shut up about how many languages they allegedly speak (heh), and so forth. They get their clue and head for the pit stop.
As Rob continues to look for the letter, he says, "I'm sorry, Amber." "That's okay, babe, it's not your fault," she says easily. She thinks they still have a shot against Charla and Mirna in a foot race. As Charla and Mirna run off, they call back to Amber, "Lying bitch! Bitch!" It's nice to know that Lance and Marshall and Charla and Mirna have so much in common. I might not have thought so, but I'd have been wrong. Even knowing they're sorely behind, Amber chuckles that Mirna and Charla are just mad about the "lying" business from before, and Rob laughs.
Finally, Rob and Amber get a letter, which is also from Susan and Patrick. And it's...very embarrassing. Not for Rob and Amber, but for Susan and Patrick. Because...you were eliminated fourth. Rob and Amber were not your problem. My personal favorite story from their post-race interviews, which I completely believe, is that Rob and Amber didn't remember who Susan and Patrick were until they went home and looked them up on the internet. I believe that wholeheartedly, and even if I didn't, I'd love them for saying it, because they're completely on track that nothing drives people crazy like having you not remember them. The letter implies that they expect that Rob and Amber hate them, and actually, they're like, "Who?" Because...exactly. The fact that people are assholes doesn't mean you have to commit them to memory. Rob notes that the entire letter is "just insulting," but with a smile, and then they take their clue to the pit stop.
There's a lot of stuff that's done here to create tension, and to create a belief that the teams are legging it out, but you can easily see that Rob and Amber are way behind, and they know they're in last. They've never not hustled, and they're not hustling, so they know what the answer is. Meanwhile, Mirna is rather hilariously shrieking at Charla, "LEVEL FIVE! LEVEL FIVE!" I guess they had a pregame discussion about "levels," huh? What do you suppose was the highest available level? Because I don't know about you, but I'm thinking it was level five. If it wasn't, I'm not sure I'm prepared for level six. What I find funniest is that there are a lot of shots of the back of Rob and Amber in which they are clearly ambling, accompanied by Rob's disembodied voice yelling, "Come on! Come on!" Heh. But Mirna really is dragging Charla by the arm and saying, "Let's beat the liars!" Because God knows, it's all about a morality play. And then Mirna drops Charla on her face. I have to think that's bad for your karma.
Welcome, Mira and Charla, and thanks, Uchenna, for dragging Charla onto the mat. The hell? Anyway, you are team number seven. Charla gives this blissed-out speech about how they finally stopped coming in last, which...they didn't. They came in second-to-last last week, and second-to-last this week. She's not paying attention at all. What's particularly gross is that Uchenna takes the opportunity to jump in again with how important it is to never quit, as if anyone asked him for his fucking opinion. I'm sure that Uchenna sees a morality play here, just as he did in his own season, and I will never understand why that hurts less than just making the argument that it was a pedestrian loss based on a poorly executed leg and some bad luck, exactly the same way other people lose on the show every week. I'm sure Charla and Mirna will ultimately explain how it is that they think Rob and Amber were eliminated because of his evil personality, but in fact, they were eliminated because they picked the wrong Detour and because they took too long to find the letter. And, quite possibly, because of the boat delay. They said Charla and Mirna were about 5 minutes behind them getting to the post office, and that the difference in getting to the mat was 10 minutes. So maybe if Mirna and Charla's boat is 15 minutes later, they don't have time to make it up on Rob and Amber. It's hard to say, but it seems possible.
And now, Rob and Amber, who are last, and who are out. They share a smooch, and Amber says that "at least [they] had a good run at the beginning," and she chuckles. Rob says that they started well, but had a terrible leg. She agrees. "What better place to end the race than the end of the world?" she wonders, and they both smile broadly. In an interview, Amber says she's just happy that they got to come back a second time at all, and she says they were just happy to have the time to spend together. He says that he's just going to miss being in the competition, knowing that there's a game and he's not in it. "But, you know, at the end of it all, I still have an amazing wife, a great life, a great family...I'm a lucky guy. I'm already a winner." Aw. It's nice to feel that way.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.