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So it's All-Stars time at last -- or, we should say, "All"-"Stars," given that many of the consistently strongest teams of all time are missing, replaced by people like Dave and Mary, who are lovely people but do not belong here. As they head to Ecuador, many of the gamers from their original appearances are gamers still: Eric drags Danielle up from early lagging to late strong contention, Team Guido still knows how to get from Point A to Point B without freaking out, Danny and Oswald still possess divine powers, and Rob and Amber are still efficient and competent in the peculiar way they have that drives people crazy. On the other hand, the BQs are surprisingly slacker-y, Dave and Mary are as they were before, and Kevin and Drew kind of don't seem like they even want to be there, particularly. But in the end, after Rob and Amber taunt America by winning the leg, it is the lovely Jill and John Vito who take the first exit, apparently owing to some problems with maps and directions -- depressingly familiar territory for them, unfortunately. You are not alone if you comforted yourself with the thought that at least they're going to get a month-long vacation. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We fade in on a Miami skyscraper, where Phil "This Seriously Wasn't My Idea" Keoghan is strolling toward the camera in his usual hot-as-hell manner. It's been a while since I really, truly discussed my love of Phil, and I won't now, either, but Phil is aging very nicely indeed. Phil makes his usual overblown comment about the significance of whatever city he's currently in, claiming in this case that Miami is the "gateway to the Americas." This, I do not believe. Although I do believe it's the gateway to cigars. Phil says that eleven of the "most memorable" teams are back to race again. Please keep this in mind when the winner of this season eventually tries to claim that it is some kind of "best of the best" prize. Because it isn't, by a lot.
We cut to a water-skiing pyramid, like on the cover of Vacation, and I swear to God, I thought for a minute that the person on the top of the pyramid was Joe, from Team Guido. I don't know how I thought they'd get Joe on the top of the pyramid, but you have to admit that if anyone were up for precision waterskiing, it would be Team Guido. In fact, they would take the dog with, as we say in the Midwest. But in fact, the waterskiing pyramid is just for show, and the teams are instead flying along in a series of powerboats. Phil raises nitpick goosebumps on my arms by claiming here that these teams are indeed "the best of the best," which: not. Not to get all old-school with the decaying loyalties, but whatever you want to say about Esquire, you don't have "best of the best" without Ye Olde Original Wynners. Or even Flo and Zach, for that matter, who I understand were not invited to go together. Rumor has it -- I have no information, personally -- that she was invited to go with Twin Drew, with whom she is still Nerd-Lusty, if you can believe that (say what you will about her; she knows how to pick a sculpted fanny and stick with it), and she chose not to. I really don't want to get all bitter about the omissions, not that I couldn't (no Ken and Gerard? Stuff that in your multiple Emmys, dude), because we'll be here all day and it will make me That Person Who Complains About Casting, but whatever this collection of yahoos is, it's not the best teams ever. It's some of the best teams ever, and some... other people.
The first team introduced? Well, naturally, it's Kevin and Drew. And... okay, this is officially weird. Like, I don't know how to recap this, because I know these people. Like, Kevin calls me. I pick up my phone now and then, and Kevin's name is there. And then I always pretend I don't know who he is, which it's okay for me to say here, because I'm sure he's not reading this. But... you know what I mean? A few of them, like Kevin, I know. And many of them, I have met, as have many of you, and now it's all weird, and the fourth wall is bashed in, and I don't know what to do except disclose compulsively to avoid the appearance of impropriety, so I will offer you the Personal Bias Score, which will inform you of the size of the personal bias I carry toward any team based on factors having nothing to do with their behavior on the show at all. So Drew and Kevin have a PBS of +10, because... well, they rule, and they've been incredibly good to the site, and Kevin really is my favorite ever, to settle an old argument. WEIRD.
Anyway, Kevin and Drew are fraternity brothers and best friends and such, just like they were before. Kevin points out that they're both married, and Kevin claims that he used to be a circle, and now he's an oval. For a minute, I think he's suggesting he's gotten taller, which: he wishes, but I guess he's an oval in the other direction? Yeah, way to describe with precision, "favorite."
And now, Rob and Amber. (PBS: 0, because they are precisely and exactly as seen on television in every way, including and especially in that he muttered to me that "all the hate-ahs are secretly love-ahs.") Bleh, bleh, BLEH. I enjoyed him enormously when he was foiling Lex all greenback-stacky, but unless he's bringing Lex on the race with him, I just don't know. If you've watched their poker show in Vegas, you know how bad it is. And by "how bad," I mean "real, real bad, like My Mother The Car bad." Amber proudly says they've been married "over a year and a half." What could go wrong? They're halfway to rocking together in the nursing home when they're ninety. Rob says they came in second last time, and now they have a "whole new bag of tricks," by which he means a "whole new bag of annoying internet controversies to unleash," which is great news, because all the moderat-ahs are secretly self-flagellat-ahs. Amber makes some comment about how the other teams will be copying their old tricks, and they'll be on to new tricks. Rob points out that he's turned her into kind of an obnoxious ass, which is kind of true, so... congratulations? I guess bonding is bonding.
Uchenna and Joyce (PBS: +2) still haven't had a baby, and they're still having marital problems, and I'd really like to be sympathetic, except that of all the winners who could have been invited, I do not understand their presence. They're very nice people, but the fact that they're still using the "we're growing apart" thing as their hook a couple of years later sort of makes me cringe. I don't particularly like watching troubled marriages anyway, and they pulled a whole lot of "we proved that wonderful people can win lots of money" nonsense after that victory, which soured the ending a little. Incidentally, Joyce has decided to keep her hair closely cut, apparently having liked the part where she shaved her head and everybody was like, "Wow, she makes a great bald lady!"
Dustin and Kandice (PBS: 0; never met 'em). Yeah, I know. You, like me, feel like you just were watching them five minutes ago. I feel you. Kandice says the teams this time are "out for blood." Dustin supposes it's like "racing against your teachers," since these people have all done the race before. SO HAVE YOU, dummy. I'm so unhappy they were cast. So very, very unhappy. To me, because of how recently they were on and how very, very much camera time they had from the very first episode, this is just a waste of a spot. They haven't grown or changed, they don't want or need redemption, I don't feel like I could learn any more about them unless they let me sit in on their dental work, I don't see any appeal in their blandly arrogant Everyone Underestimates Me Boo Hoo It's So Hard To Be Born Beautiful personalities, and watching their scenes in this show is like watching tapes of their scenes in TAR10. I do not approve.
Joe and Bill (PBS: +8) are life partners. And Joe has snazzy new Hair Of A Certain Age, which I do not dislike at all. ["Seriously. Well done, Joe." -- Joe R] He sort of looks like Uncle Clooney. We get the obligatory shot of Guido the dog (PBS: +12), who is their namesake. I have to tell you, if you've never experienced these men other than as snazzy villains, you are missing out, because they are delightful. And I have to say that, or they'll tell you about the time Bill got me snookered on white wine and I wound up making perhaps the biggest dink out of myself that one can make without being arrested, which involved being informed later that I had done some ass-smacking I did not even remember. And Bill didn't torture me or make fun of me (to my face) or anything. I just feel that you should know that this history exists, because I do not want to receive email later that tells me that you have discerned that I personally like Bill and Joe, because: whatever. I personally like Bill and Joe. I also have a really funny story involving Bill, Esquire Rob, and the whispered words "the king has arrived," but I'll save that for later in the season, for those of you who haven't heard it.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, we now arrive at Charla and Mirna (PBS: +2; Mirna was nice, and we had cake together), who are cousins. Charla is a little person, for those of you who live in bunkers and don't watch any pop-culture shows on VH1. Charla explains that since she was on the show, she's become a huge star and people pay attention to her everywhere she goes. And I believe that. They frolic in the leaves and run on the beach together, and Charla does a cartwheel. For some reason, all their background footage always looks like they're in love in a montage. Even the shot they used to have where Charla carried Mirna on her shoulders. And... I know I'm a bad person, but I still really, really don't like them. I dislike them two points less than I used to, because of the cake, but still. Mirna claims they're "going to win this time," and then she laughs along with the rest of America.
David and Mary (PBS: 0), a/k/a "Coalminer And Wife." Maybe the worst team caption of all time. He has a job; she is "Wife." They can't be "Married Parents." No: "Coalminer And Wife." Dave tells us that Mary is "more confident" since the race. Mary says that she doesn't intend on making any idiotic alliances this time. Alliances only will be adopted if they are beneficial. That would certainly be an improvement, considering that her last alliance seemed to depend on everyone's lack of gumption, and the only team to survive it was the team that ultimately decided to ditch it. Mary insists that furthermore, she can win without having it handed to her, and... I don't think that's so, but it's probably unrealistic for her to plan on having it handed it to her in this environment. Bill and Joe > Erwin and Godwin, and you're going to want to learn that real quick.
Teri and Ian (PBS: +6; he's really a good guy and a good sport, and she's totally terrifying in a way that's very much acceptable to me) are married parents from Florida. Ian points out in their interview that he and Teri came in second by only a couple of minutes in season three, and it occurs to me that I have no sense anymore of whether I would have preferred a Teri and Ian victory that season, because I'm not sure whether seeing Flo (PBS: +2) lose would have been good enough to make up for seeing Zach (PBS: +9) lose. At any rate, Ian says that bickering is "who we are," and that it works for them. Teri says that they're going to work harder, and they'll come in first this time.
Oswald and Danny (PBS: +9; they're lovely, and Oswald once vetted a boy I tentatively liked by grabbing his ass approvingly) are friends from Miami. Oswald reveals the kind of heartbreaking fact that they had a big fight that estranged them for about a year. That makes me feel like the world was temporarily all tippy. But now they're back together (yay!), and Danny says they're "platonic husband and husband." Boy, isn't that what's wrong with society, you know? God intended soul-feeding sexless friendships to exist only between one man and one woman.
John Vito and Jill (PBS: +7)! You may not have heard this if you don't follow the gossip, but Phil explains that they're "formerly dating." Sad, I know. Seriously, for a rigorously unsentimental person regarding reality-show romances, I was surprisingly sad when I heard that. At any rate, Jill reminds us of the way they met, and she says that they got to a point where the "step" was getting engaged, and it just kind of didn't work out, and they ended up breaking up. She says that while they're broken up, she's "open to anything happening." Those "can't get to the step" breakups are the worst, because you so often wind up smacking yourself for not just staying where you were for a while. John Vito says he hopes they'll "grow closer," and they'll "take it one day at a time." Sigh. I have a feeling I'm going to watch this whole thing through interlaced fingers, because it kind of seems too significant to take place on television.
Eric and Danielle (PBS: +3; he was actually surprisingly non-douchey, all things considered, and he hit it off very well with my best friend, which speaks well of anyone), who Phil explains were on two different teams in season 9, and "fell in love." I'm going to go out on a limb and say I do not think they are "in love." But... okay, that's the conceit, so let's go with it. Such love! Eric, in discussing just how "in love" he is, manages to muster up that he likes the fact that Danielle has "a lot of attitude." For her part, right over a shot of Eric's dual nipple rings, Danielle says that he's "a gentleman." It's not so much that I don't believe her as it is that I'd want to see her definition. Eric says he's "more anxious" about this race than he was about the last one. Probably because there are almost no guys who would not be "more anxious" about traveling for a month with a relatively recently acquired girl with whom he can't even have very much of the private time. And looking at them, it's like... I still don't want to complain about casting, and I know the "racers from different teams dating" angle must have been hard to resist, but... is this really the couple best suited for this spot? A whole spot for this? He seems like a nice guy, but she seems like an empty vessel, and I just don't see this particular mashup meriting consideration when others weren't included. I certainly -- certainly -- wish Flo and Drew had taken this spot, because at least Flo is a firecracker, and Drew is cute like a bunny. This? Feh.
Currently in third place are Rob and Amber, and they are wearing the same red sweatshirts, I think, that they clearly consider their trademark. He's wondering about the two possible flights, and she confirms that Copa and American are the two airlines. I have to say, I've never even heard of Copa Airlines. I would not have known what to make of that. In fourth place: Team Guido, and one of them is saying "I'm not in as good of a shape as I thought I was," and laughing, only neither of them appears to have his lips moving, so... smooth move with the edit, there. As they get off the highway, Joe says very faux-seriously, "It's a good thing we come to Miami every seven years." Ha! Oh, Joe. When did Joe become such a comedian? I fully expect a joke about the quality of his Italian later. Bill laughs. They've really figured out a whole different attitude to adopt -- less "RAR!" and more "Hey, glad to be here," and I have to say, it's immensely flattering. Sixth place: Dustin and Kandice. Kandice says that now, they don't want to be "the beauty queens" or "the blondes," they want to be the first female team to win... on their second consecutive attempt. They, too, do the over-the-shoulder-five about being "back." As stated previously, I'm immensely tired of them on sight, which isn't even entirely their fault. It's just too soon. I have Miss Whatever Fatigue, is all. Danielle tells us she's "gnaw-seous" about being back. Eric frowns. I think he's beginning to realize that this is going to be his gig, pretty much, and she's along for the ride. In an interview, he's all smirky about "I'm in charge," and she's all giggly about "hee hee," and won't that be an enjoyable dynamic to watch for however long. On the one hand, he's kind of being a dickhead, but on the other hand, at least he won't let her trip on her shoelaces.
Eric and Danielle pass Uchenna and Joyce, who are keeping it -- and by "it," I mean the fact that they are in the race -- on the down-low for most of this episode. Teri and Ian, meanwhile, are discussing the speedboat, which he thought "was cool." It reminded him of Miami Vice, which is a nicely dated reference under the circumstances. I think she looks awesome, by the way -- there's a sly Insider Video reference that kind of hints that she's had work done, but I don't think she's sporting a She Has Had Work Done look at all. ["I actually thought she was in the promo photos, but on the actual show, it's not as noticeable." -- Joe R] I like her hair longer, too, and think it makes her look way less severe, so it's all a big thumbs up from me. I still do not like Ian's choice of hatwear, which is almost a relief, because there's only so much world-rocking I can take in one week. In an interview, he's wearing a kind of... pointier version of an Indiana Jones hat, as he explains that he worked as a police officer in undercover narcotics for a long time, which I don't think I knew, or which I had forgotten. He says he hopes it will be an advantage. Maybe that's why he knows things like draining a gas tank -- maybe he used to drain them to see if there was 157 pounds of pot in there. Ian passes Uchenna and Joyce, asking Teri to call out who it is they're passing. They also pass Eric and "Pink," as Ian calls her, and then Ian says "HOO-rah," and now you have a race.
And then a couple of teams get passed by Dave and Mary, who are apparently in the hunt all of a sudden. A bunch of teams peel off on a particular road, but Eric tells Pink that's just one way to go -- he apparently has a different one in mind, and he's both navigating and driving, so she's... maybe chewing gum, I guess, as far as tasks. , we see Charla and Mirna, and I will tell you right now, Mirna still makes me twitchy. Charla excitedly points out that she outran Drew, which impresses Mirna. And finally, in last place at the moment, we visit Kevin and Drew. Drew is talking about how everybody passed him during the run. He says he looked like an idiot, and Kevin grumpily agrees. Drew despairs that he "can't run at all with that backpack." Sniffle.
Danny and Oswald see the sign with the little airplane that tells them they're on the right track. "You're doing great, you're awesome," Oswald gushes. "Keep stroking me, I like it," Danny says. What? It's his ego, you dirty bird. As the teams approach the airport, Rob decides to pour it on and pass Jill and John Vito and Oswald and Danny, because being first at the airport instead of third is apparently so important. In an interview, Rob leans toward the camera and says, "Amber and I did not drag our asses back for the Amazing Race All-Stars to finish in second place. Mahhhk my words." Consider them marked, dude. They pull over into the airport Fast Park, but they're not in quite the right place, and Jill and John Vito follow and also are not in quite the right place. Having seen this happen, Danny and Oswald breeze by and are, after all, the first to get themselves into the correct parking lot. They have a chuckle over their shifting fortunes and how they got to the right place by giving up the lead. John Vito and Jill get reoriented and make it into the Fast Park , as Jill urges, "JV, JV, JV!" "JV": it's the new "babe." First to get on the shuttle, because of the vagaries of the way shuttles drive around the parking lot, are Jill and John Vito, and John Vito tries to build the lead by urging the shuttle driver not to pick up anybody else. Rob and Amber get in a shuttle . At first, they seem to be zooming off, but when they see Oswald and Danny, Rob relents and tells the driver to stop. As Oswald and Danny climb aboard, Rob tells them it was the least he could do after they led the way to the airport. Rob voices over, but fortunately does not say out loud, that this is officially his "first kind gesture," and that it practically killed him. I'm not sure "kind" means what he thinks it means. As the teams chat on the shuttle, Danny says, "So, I hear you guys have your own... cable channel." That was some quality comic timing. Rob laughs, because... well, it's not like he can argue with the basic point. Which is, "So, you enjoy being on television, it would seem."
Charla and Mirna pass Dave and Mary, then Teri and Ian. Teri refers to the girls as "Mirna and Schmirna," which is unfunny because it came from those obnoxious quitters, but it's funny because it means she watches the show, which I appreciate. "Isn't it nice, how we all come with names?" she asks. "Do we have a name?" she asks. For a minute, I almost feel like Ian's eyes bore directly into my soul. But then he says, "I hope we're the Big Kahunas." Motion denied.
On the JVJ shuttle, Jill notes that Copa leaves at 3:30, and American leaves at 3:50. Phil now adds in a voiceover that the teams need to figure out that while Copa leaves 20 minutes earlier, it arrives substantially later. Two hours later, actually, meaning one is probably a direct flight and the other isn't. Ultimately, Jill and John Vito decide that since American is at Concourse A, and Copa isn't until D, they'll hop off at A, which will come first on the shuttle route. It's as good a choice as any. In fact, on the other shuttle, Rob and Amber and Danny and Oswald make the same decision, that they'll get off at the one that comes first. At Concourse A, these three teams basically run smack into each other, and JVJ gets to the counter first, with the other teams just behind. They all learn that the American flight will indeed arrive two hours earlier. So with that good news safely delivered, the booking begins.
to pull into the parking lot: Charla and Mirna, actually, followed closely by Teri and the Hat. These teams start trying to catch the shuttle, and they're followed by Dave and Mary. Charla and Mirna share a shuttle with Teri and Ian, and when Ian hears Mirna saying to the shuttle driver in Miami "Amigo, go rapido, rapido," he mutters, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." Ha! Seriously, lady? You're in the United States. The guy probably would understand "we're in a hurry." Why is she busting out the foreign languages before they go anywhere? That seems... even more pointless than what she usually does. Dave and Mary do not make it onto this shuttle, which allows Team Guido to catch up to them. The BQs show up, and Dustin is clearly really depressed that she's only "catching up" to Dave and Mary, as she had them tucked away as people she wasn't going to have to worry about beating. Mary hollers at the shuttle driver, "No, no, no, don't pick up nobody!" So he doesn't. Team Guido gets on a different shuttle, and I have to say, even the embroidered "Team Guido" fleece vests seem so much less offensive when they're mildly ironic. They're joined by Dustin and Kandice. For whatever reason, Bill and Joe aren't thinking quite as sharply as they historically have, and they appear to go to Copa just because it leaves 20 minutes earlier. Elsewhere, Mary is talking to David like he's an idiot, talking about the obvious choice between 3:30 and 3:50. So they're going to Copa also. I'd say she's going to feel bad later, but she probably won't, unfortunately. Ian wants to go to Copa, but Charla and Mirna hop off that shuttle at American. Inside, the cousins run into the other front-running teams, and Oswald tells Mirna that this flight is indeed the faster option.
Uchenna and Joyce are kind of lost on the way to the airport. I think they went the same way as Eric and Pink. Maybe Kevin and Drew, too, because Drew feels like they're "going in circles." "Just shut up for two minutes, please," Kevin says, and Drew mutters about being told to shut up. They just don't look happy, which is weird and unnatural. Sad Kevin and Drew are disorienting to watch.
At Copa, apparently without even asking what the story is about flight times, Dave and Mary buy -- well, Mary buys -- tickets on the Copa flight. David eventually asks about the American flight, but not until after they can't take it back, so they're stuck on the bad flight, because they didn't even ask. There's an auspicious beginning for you. Dustin and Kandice and Team Guido come up to the counter and ask what's what. Mary tells them that Copa is "the fastest." In an interview, David says they were totally prepared to lie to them, because now, it's all about the cheating and the backstabbing. And maybe not so much about the dragging an alliance around, presumably.
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When we return, Teri and Ian walk up to Copa as well, and David goes over and whispers to Teri that actually, this flight is the worst one, and he tells them that if they have the time, they should check at American. This information reaches Guido as well, or at least they suspect, because they, along with Teri and Ian, run off for American. The BQs stay long enough to ask for themselves, at which point they learn that they have been misled! And Copa is slower! Damn those Kentuckians. They run for American as well. I think Mary probably created some ill will unnecessarily right there. Was it worth it to get the BQs on that flight? Eh.
Over at American, Mirna is trying on her persecution complex for the first time this season, and it looks fabulous and covered with feathers. She is worrying aloud to Oswald that maybe someone will come along and try to push them out of line. Oswald pleasantly humors her, assuring her that he will "take care of" anyone who tries to push her. He gives them both smooches. Oh, great. He's ruined now. Ian and Teri walk up to the counter at American, getting in line behind Charla and Mirna. Jill and John Vito, Rob and Amber, and Danny and Oswald are all ticketed on American. As Danny and Oswald depart, they run into the arriving BQs and Guidos. That is a collision of people used to dressing nicely, that's for sure.
Elsewhere in the airport, Mary and David stop in a bookstore to buy an atlas, and they run into Rob and Amber. Mary still basically treats this as a celebrity sighting. David introduces himself to "Rob and Kim," and then sheepishly corrects himself. Rob and Kim were last season, dude. Heh. David interviews that they're big fans of Rob and Amber, and meeting them means that they've "already won." He's such a big fan, of course, that he didn't remember Amber's name. As the teams talk, Rob allows Mary to hug him, but... he's really not a hugger (I was somewhat grudgingly twirled, myself), and it winds up being a rather pitiful effort from both of them.
At American, Eric and Pink come up behind Guido. "We suck," Eric says to her. Charla and Mirna are to get American tickets. Teri and Ian succeed also. But... that's it. No BQs, no Guido, no Eric and Pink. The last couple of teams are not even seen arriving at the airport, but once the planes start to go, Phil Phils us in on the situation. The good flight carries JVJ, Rob and Amber, Danny and Oswald, Mirna and Charla, and Teri and Ian. The bad flight carries the BQs, Guido, Dave and Mary, Eric and Pink, Kevin and Drew, and Uchenna and Joyce. The Amazing Yellow Lines explain that the Copa flight is stopping in Panama, which explains the difference in arrivals. Phil says that when the teams land in Quito, they have to take a taxi to the Plaza San Francisco and get their clue. So, up to this point, we have your classic "fly here; go here."
The good flight lands. Oswald and Danny run through the airport, then Mirna and Charla. In the cab, Mirna's all, "Mas rapido, step on it!" I have a feeling I should have joined a pool where I could have been paid for every time Mirna says "rapido." I'd be buying a condo at the end of the season. JVJ and Rob and Amber get cabs, and then Teri and the Hat, who are last. Rob asks the driver if he knows a shortcut to the plaza, and the driver says he does. I suppose it's plausible that since it's late at night, there's a way that's faster that you wouldn't try during the day when traffic is different. When Teri and Ian get their cab, you can count this as the first appearance of the official Asshat, the hat Ian wore throughout season three, which (as previously noted) looks just like Pepe Le Pew joining the French Foreign Legion. Teri isn't very happy that they dropped right to the back of their little pack here. In his cab, Oswald complains that his hands are "clammy" and adds, "And my face is going through, like, menopause." I don't even know why that's funny, or what it means precisely, but it certainly made me laugh. Makes Danny laugh, too.
Mirna is already pissed off at her driver, and she says "rapido" a few more times in case he didn't get it. She adds in a weird Latin accent, "This is too little bit rapido!" Why in the hell would you speak broken English to an Ecuadorian cab driver? Why? WHY? She has me capital-letters-confused already. John Vito just says, "Amigo, you go in front of them." This works, and his driver passes Mirna and her little bit rapido driver. Charla and Mirna decide to try to offer money for speed, so Mirna says "muy dolare," which isn't... anything, and Charla says "Muy dinero rapido." Meaning "very fast money," sort of, though it's more like "very money fast." I really hope this isn't one of those languages they're always claiming to speak, because most of what they're saying sounds like it came from a spam email. Rob busts out "rapido, mas, por favor," and the irony is that he's trying much less hard, and he's doing better. Not perfect, but better.
It does appear that Rob and Amber's driver knew a shortcut, because here they are at the plaza first. Oswald and Danny follow, and are none too happy to have been beaten to the punch by Rob and Amber. Jill and John Vito show up, and then Charla and Mirna. Rob finds the clue box and opens the clue, which tells them to go three miles to Pim's Restaurant, where the manager will be giving them a morning departure time of 7:00 AM, 7:15 AM, or 7:30 AM. These four teams take off, with Charla assuming that it must be an eating task, because of the restaurant destination. Teri and Ian get their clue last, but they leave for the restaurant soon enough.
Pim's Restaurant. Rob and Amber and JVJ get there almost on top of each other and get 7:00 AM departure times. Oswald and Danny and Charla and Mirna arrive, and they, too, get 7:00 AM departures. The teams appear to be sleeping in a tent on some cots, in a sort of junior sleepaway camp setup. In Amber's Interview Of Declining Appeal Even Relative To Her Husband, Amber says that if you asked them who they'd really like to race against, they wouldn't be able to think of anybody. But she thinks that if you ask the other teams, they'd all want to race against her and Rob. That's just one of those things that, even if you think it, you just don't say, because it sounds terrible. I think she doesn't mean it as bad as it sounds -- I think she's using it more as "everybody's gunning for us" rather than "we're so awesome," but it can't help sounding totally conceited and irritating. In an interview, Oswald says, "We've known of Rob and Amber, because obviously... we live on this planet." That being, of course, Planet CBS. The whirlwind of interviews continues as Mirna says that Rob and Amber are "fierce competitors." John Vito is a little more blunt, saying he's "had enough of Rob and Amber," and he thinks "America may have also." Heh. I'm actually glad they kind of spent fifteen seconds on that and got on with it, because that way, it didn't take up the entire episode. Like, "Do other people care? Let's see! Now: time to move on!" Rob and Amber share a hug and smooch, and Rob tells her they're still good at this after two years. Two whole years! When Teri and Ian get to the tent, they reveal that they were the first ones to get a later departure, so they're not happy about being in the doghouse among the early-arriving teams.
The Copa flight lands. BQs and Guidos are first out. In the cab, Joe says that the TAR10 people "aren't tired yet," unlike him and Joe, to whom he refers as "the Gutsy Grannies here," which I found hilarious. (I think that's what he did. Either that, or he said there were no Gutsy Grannies, which would also be funny, though less so.) This self-deprecating comedy routine is what you're getting from Team Guido this season instead of all that "YES!"-ing and fist-pumping. I prefer this, quite a lot, and I really don't care about the degree to which it's PR, which I'm sure is significant. Eric and Pink are out , then Uchenna and Joyce. Then Dave and Mary, and then Kevin and Drew. Kevin is insisting that "worst to first" is always a possibility. That is very optimistic. Back at Pim's, the front bunch of teams are sitting down for a meal, and Rob is saying that the fact that a bunch of teams aren't there yet is really breaking his heart. Other people laugh. With, undoubtedly, extreme hatred.
BQs and Guidos get their clue and head for Pim's. Then Uchenna and Joyce, Eric and Pink, then Dave and Mary. Eric and Pink get passed by Dave and Mary, which makes Pink put her head in her hands in despair, as if she's got anything to complain about at this point, given what she appears to be contributing. And then finally, Kevin and Drew get to the clue box at the plaza, but on his way out of the cab, Drew takes a tumble, rolls over, and winds up lying in the street while Kevin runs to the clue box. "Get up, buddy," Kevin says, and then we go to commercials.
Commercials. Travelocity is my sworn enemy.
When we return, Drew is still rolling around on the ground in agony while Kevin repeats "Get up, buddy" and "Get up, get up" and other pieces of sound medical advice. As Drew finally stands up and Kevin tells him they'll get "right back in," the captions say, "Currently In Last Place." Caption bastards. As Drew climbs into the van, he moans that he may have dislocated his shoulder by rolling over it when he fell. Apparently, on this evening's show, Kevin and Drew will be playing the part of Job.
Over at Pim's, the BQs pick up a 7:15 AM departure time. Team Guido arrives , and Joe says he's not bothered by being in seventh place at this point. Back in the Kevin and Drew cab, Kevin assures Drew that if he'd separated his shoulder or something, he wouldn't be wiggling it around in agony as he currently is. Uchenna and Joyce and David and Mary arrive at Pim's just about on top of each other and grab their numbers. It turns out that it does matter a little, because Uchenna and Joyce pull a 7:15 departure, while Mary and David get the first 7:30. "Fifteen minutes can cost us the whole game," Mary complains. Drew is still in pain, but now they take a minute to bandage up his skinned knee, which he insists isn't the main problem. In fact, he even reports that his shoulder is feeling better, and Kevin assures him he'll be fine. Or else dead, I suppose. They run smack into Pink and Eric at Pim's, and both teams wind up with the last two 7:30 departure times. Eric interviews that he's not particularly pleased to be at the back of the pack. The teams all settle into their cots for the night, secure in the knowledge that you don't have to sleep on the street anymore, which probably comes as a relief to Kevin and Drew and Guido.
The morning, 6:59 turns to 7:00, and JVJ, Rob and Amber, Danny and Oswald, and Charla and Mirna open their clue. It tells them to get to Cotopaxi National Park. And then it says something, apparently, that they don't want you to read, because every time they show this clue, the rest of it is covered over with a card. Maybe it says "When you get there, collect the free rubdown and margarita we had to promise you to get you to come out here and do this again." Phil explains that the teams will now use a provided map to drive themselves 65 miles to Hacienda Yanahurco, which is within Cotopaxi National Park. The clue "advises" the teams to use the north entrance to the park. But first, they have to find the parking garage where their cars are, so these lead teams take off on foot. It doesn't take long to find, though, so they're soon piling into their white SUVs. Mirna immediately starts complaining that she doesn't drive stick that well, which makes perfect sense, since she's only had about three years to rectify that since her last attempt. Seriously, as lame as it is when first-time teams come to race and say they can't drive a stick, it's even more ridiculous for people who have been here before.
Meanwhile, more teams leave at 7:15 AM. The BQs, Guidos, Teri and Ian, and Uchenna and Joyce go to the parking garage and get cars. And Ian's got the Asshat on again today. He and Teri pass Joe and Bill, and in the car, Joe muses about how Teri and Ian are tougher than they look, and easy to underestimate "because he's crotchety and old-looking." Hey, don't judge Joe. He's speaking his truth. Joyce comments generically on how much she's enjoying driving around in the SUV.
Up ahead, one would hope, the former lead teams are asking for directions to the park. Rob and Amber hire a cab to lead them, as do Oswald and Danny. "We have to really hurry up," says Oswald, suddenly recalling what show they're on.
At 7:30, the rest of the teams leave. Eric and Pink, Mary and David, and Kevin and Drew. Drew and David squabble a bit over one of the cars, which seems unnecessary, and then Kevin and Drew do a blocking maneuver to keep David and Mary from getting out ahead of them. The whole thing is pretty mature, honestly.
So it turns out that Mirna and Charla have kidnapped themselves a local, and Mirna is introducing herself using pidgin English, as she is wont to do. "My name Mirna, my cousin name Charla." Yeah. And then Charla taps the local on the shoulder and says, "Yo soy... " Meaning, of course "I am." Juan gets the drift, as haphazardly blown as that draft is, and says that his name is Juan. Mirna proceeds to interview that she and Charla are good with the locals, because they're not afraid of them. That is pretty amazing, given the known dangers associated with unknown Ecuadorians. I'm not sure that fear of the locals is the usual problem.
Jill and John Vito have a guy offer to lead them to the park. And it begins.
Rob and Amber take the road to Cotopaxi. He wonders aloud if they're in first place right now, and she says she's not sure -- people could have gotten lost when they were busy following their taxi. Jill and John Vito's guy pulls over, and he tells them that it's still about an hour to the park the way they're going. Oswald and Danny take the road to Cotopaxi. And on this road, there are some pigs, Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha. Jill and John Vito discuss the fact that they might be entering on the wrong side of the park. Predictably, Rob and Amber are right where they want to be, at the north entrance. Mirna and Charla, however, are less lucky. Juan tells them that they are on the way to the south entrance. Apparently, they didn't give him that detail, or he didn't understand it. Maybe Mirna forgot to say, "We use north entrance-o!" He tells them they'll need to turn around and go back if they want to get to the north entrance. They decide, under Charla's guidance, to just use the south entrance and hope for the best, that they can get to where they're going this way.
Ian and Teri and Joe and Bill are making good progress. Joe, who's driving, gives the camera a little speech about how it's so much nicer being just the two of them in a car on their own, and rather hilariously, Bill is patting Joe on the shoulder, and then patting his hair, and making this hilarious kitty-cat noise. It's just about the cutest thing you ever did see from regular purveyors of absolute wickedness.
Hacienda Yanahurco. Hey, guess who's here! It's Rob and Amber! What a surprise! They get out and find the clue box, and the clue turns out to be a Detour. The choices are Wrangle It and Recover It. In Wrangle It, the team has to "help" a bunch of cowboys lasso and tie down a wild horse to be groomed. Phil says that the horses here have hooves that get so long they can't walk, and it really looks unpleasant to see these horses in that condition. As a few of the EEFPs have pointed out, horses shouldn't really be like that if they're even remotely under the care of anyone, and these look only partially wild and look very skinny in addition to everything else that's wrong with them. At any rate, once you trim the hooves and clip the mane and tail, you're done, and you get your clue. In Recover It, one of your team members puts on a historical uniform, and then you walk all over a field looking for a bunch of artifacts. When they're done, they'll get their clue from "a general." Rob and Amber apparently have a no-animal-tasks rule they've set up in advance, so they immediately go to the hunt around the field. They find the sword quickly, but one of the items is a button, and it looks like a mighty big field in which to look for a button. Danny and Oswald are approaching the park, and Rob and Amber are realizing that this needle/haystack thing is even worse then crazy animals.
Teri and Ian have made it into third place, owing to the disappearance of JVJ and Charla and Mirna.
Rob and Amber bail on the searching, determined not to "spend three hours" looking for that button, so they head over to the horse task. They go over and "help" as the horse is lassoed and brought down, and then Rob cuts the hooves. Amber gives the mane and tail a trim. It's hard to tell from the footage of them doing the Detour -- and, I will tell you right now, from the footage of everyone else doing the Detour -- what the hell is challenging or interesting about this, because they show almost none of it. Oswald and Danny hit the clue box and immediately want to do the horse. "We chose to do Wrangle because I've always wanted a career in beauty," Oswald deadpans. He figures that cutting a horse's nails and hair is a pretty good start. Oswald already has a career in beauty, as far as I'm concerned, in the sense that on a show like this, just not being an asshole is beautiful. They wind up starting the task with the horse just about as Rob and Amber are finishing. Those newlyweds really are pretty quick with a task, however likable they may or may not be. The clue tells them to head to the pit stop, so that's Phil's cue to explain that the pit stop is a lookout that's up a "nearby hill" that they have to climb on foot. I think that by "nearby hill," he means "small mountain," based on how tired everybody is going to get in this little bit here. Rob and Amber take off running.
Team Guido is on the road to Cotapaxi.
Danny and Oswald, looking suave as all hell in their borrowed cowboy hats, clip mane and tail on their horse. They let the horse go when its cut and manicure are done, and then they head for the pit stop. As they leave, Teri and Ian are pulling in, and Teri speculates that maybe she and Ian are ahead. "We're the first team to arrive," she says in the way she thinks Phil would, and Ian laughs. It's nice to see that they're already having more fun together than they used to. "That would be a miracle of God," Ian says of a first-place finish. And then he leans forward, looks up through the windshield, and says, "Are you listening?" Heh.
Rob and Amber get to the pit stop. Phil tells Rob to smile, because they're team number one. They're panting, but Phil tells them they've won a trip to Canada for some skiing and spa treatments and so forth. They high-five. Because, you know, they needed that trip. They've been saving their pennies for a road trip to Akron, and this will be way better.
Teri and Ian choose the horse Detour immediately. Eric and Pink have caught up to Uchenna and Joyce and the BQs, who apparently have failed to step on it adequately. Eric tells us in an interview that he is competitive and dislikes losing. This, of course, distinguishes him from everyone else involved in the race. When Uchenna and Joyce and the BQs pause at a pipe that's spewing water across the road, Eric decides pausing is for sissies, so he roars on past. He assures us from his front seat that he doesn't "know what 'hesitate' means." Pink laughs from the back seat, because she remembers when that same thing happened to her during the SATs.
Welcome, Oswald and Danny, you are team number two! They hug. Good for them, representing for the old, old, old seasons.
Charla and Mirna come in the south entrance, as they decided to do earlier, and they get the news they should have expected, which is that the place they're looking for is at the opposite end of the park. They ask how long it will take to get there, and they're told it will be maybe an hour.
Kevin and Drew. Drew looks out the window and muses, "Peru is nice. It's beautiful out." Now, one of two things is the case here. One, Drew and Kevin planned this. Two, this was the best thing that ever happened to Kevin, hearing Drew say that. Because in just the way he used to be, Drew has now become the sort of unwitting straight man. "I'm sure it's nice in Peru," Kevin says. "We're in Ecuador." It's good that we got to see that, because they kind of don't seem like themselves for the rest of this particular episode. At any rate, whichever country they're in, they follow a bus onto the road to Cotapaxi. David and Mary take it too, as Mary tells him, "If you ain't got me holding your hand, you can't do nothin'." Apparently, she has not heard of positive reinforcement as a method of behavior modification, but she has heard of endless nagging.
Jill and John Vito are still... getting... directions to the park. When they're back in the car, John Vito despairs over the fact that it's going so wrong after they started out so strong on this leg. Which is a good point. "This may put us in last place," Jill observes. She adds, "Just when you think it's all going too smooth... it goes downhill real fast, right?" John Vito looks unhappy. I feel unhappy.
Back from commercials, John Vito is talking about how that first guy they followed took them the wrong way. So they're not feeling very good about their position. Elsewhere, in the Mirna and Charla car, Mirna says, "Do you think that we'll be driving all night long, Charla, like this until midnight?" Oh, I wish. It also doesn't seem likely, since the guy said it would be more like an hour. Charla says she's not sure "what to expect anymore."
Teri and Ian finish with their horse and are sent to the pit stop. As they're leaving, Eric and Pink and Team Guido are arriving at the Detour clue box. Both these teams take the horse, and then we move to the mat in time to see Ian and Teri check in. "We're here, Phil," Ian says, apparently having chosen to go without "We're comin', Phil!" until later. I really hope he busts it out at some point, or I'm going to feel kind of... cheated. Hey, anything can be nostalgic. Shut up.
Kevin and Drew are on the road with Mary and David right behind them. Mary presses David to pass, and when David puts the SUV into four-wheel drive (or so they imply), he and Mary are able to pass Kevin and Drew. "I can't believe you just let 'em do that," Kevin grumps. I think either Kevin should drive, or Kevin should be quiet, because nobody likes a back-seat driver, even one that's on television.
Jill and John Vito arrive at what they understand to be the north entrance. Unfortunately, it turns out to be the south entrance. In case you're wondering what the hell is going on here, allow me to quote from this site: "The main entrance to Cotopaxi National Park is located just a few kilometers before the town of Lasso. Drive south from Quito approximately two hours on the Pan American Highway until you see a large sign for 'Parque Nacional Cotopaxi'... Unlike the north entrance accessed via Machachi, the road to this one is relatively well marked." So the north entrance is (1) not the main entrance; and (2) not well marked. These are the directions to the park, by the way, that are given from Quito, so if you ask people just how to get to the park, this is probably what you get. That's why we have teams who wound up either at or heading for the south entrance, I think. At any rate, Jill and John Vito are very unhappy about this development, but they're told that it's possible to get to where they're going from here, too. So they're just going to take off and "hope for the best." Boo!
Horses, horses, horses, horses! Eric and Pink are hard at work, and she's complaining that right this minute, she's "touching poop." It's like she's some kind of savant. Joe is working on the hooves, and noting that they're "a lot bigger than Guido's." Heh. Uchenna and Joyce and the BQs are finally reaching the Detour, and they both take the horses, to what is now the surprise of absolutely nobody. Having leapt to fourth place, meanwhile, Eric and Pink are suddenly picking up the pit stop clue. Quite a climb in a short period of time, there. Joe and Bill are right behind them.
Charla and Mirna, driving across the park.
Welcome, Eric and Pink. You are team number four.
Back to Cousin Car, where Charla is all teary already about how "stressful" it is.
Bill and Joe have a little smooch at the mat as they're told that they're team number five. Pretty good, considering that they got themselves hosed on the flight. You never know with those guys; they're gamers, even a few years older and a few years slower.
Charla and Mirna look out the back of Cousin Car and are thrilled to see Dave and Mary behind them. So... either Dave and Mary also hit the south entrance, which I don't think is the case, or they've caught up just as both teams are heading toward the destination. Charla is ecstatic that anyone is behind them, and she wildly gestures that they don't actually know where they're going. Mary comments, "I think they think they're lost." Apparently, Mary knows they aren't. Up in Cousin Car, Charla happily says, "We're not last, and... " She trails of, then tries to rally with, "We'll... beat 'em in a foot race?" Mirna: "Yeah, right." Nice. I love it when she rubs it in how slow Charla is. Furthermore, has she seen Mary run? Not that fast, really. Don't count yourself out, blondie.
Elsewhere, Jill is just sure she and John Vito are out of it, because they came into the park the wrong way. John Vito tries to reassure her, reminding her of all the times when they raced originally that they thought they were in last, and it turned out they weren't. They just keep driving. Pang. Pang! Pang! And elsewhere, Kevin and Drew hit a hard bump, and when they get out, they discover a flat tire. "What are we gonna do?" Drew wonders. Good question.
The BQs and Uchenna and Joyce are done with the horses, so they receive the pit stop clue. Drew and Kevin, meanwhile, decide not to change the tire, but just to keep driving as long as they can. Zoiks. That seems like it's... outrageously dangerous, not to mention extremely bad for a rented vehicle's health, but... there they are, in the SUV, on their way. Welcome, Dustin and Kandice. You are team number six.
David and Mary and Charla and Mirna come driving up to the Hacienda. "This is fun," Mary says as they drive through a water hazard.
And Uchenna and Joyce, you are team number seven. And who are you again?
David and Mary don't have too much trouble picking Wrangle It, but Mirna's like, "'Wrangle It' is going to require holding down a wild horse." "That's fine, I'll hold it," Charla says, and apparently, someone seriously doubts her horse-holding ability, because this comment is followed by a gigantic comical gong sound, which I think may be a little uncalled for. Unless it's meant to crack on Mirna for making Charla do everything, in which case... okay.
Jill and John Vito are trying to keep hope alive. Kevin and Drew's tire is now completely off, and they're driving on the rim, as the camera guy hangs his equipment out the window to catch the full effect. It's not totally clear, but I think maybe because of the ruts, that wheel isn't actually hitting the ground; they're mostly on the other three wheels. It does have a certain appearance that makes Kevin and Drew look like the slapsticky... what was it? Gang that couldn't shoot straight? Yes.
David and Mary complete the Detour. So do Charla and Mirna. As Kevin and Drew continue bumping along on their hobbled wheel, Drew remarks that "it doesn't pay to fix it now," because they can get there just as fast on a flat. That is, unless the car collapses and dumps them out onto the dirt road, which would slow them down a bit. David and Mary and Charla and Mirna get the pit stop clue. "Eye on the prize, eye on the prize," Jill is chanting in her car. Kevin and Drew limp along. "I think this is going to be something on horseback, dude, this is right up your alley," Kevin says, simultaneously encouragingly and ironically.
Welcome, Charla and Mirna, you are team number eight. And David and Mary, you are team number nine. David takes the opportunity to stargaze a little more, saying that he's always been a big fan of Charla and Mirna, so this is a thrill for him. The teams share a few kind words, but it's weirdly cold, because none of them have much social warmth, to be honest. That's a lot of chilly people trying to find a place to defrost.
So now, we have Jill and John Vito and Kevin and Drew. Driving. Driving. Driving. And now, somebody is getting to the Hacienda. Who is it? It's... Kevin and Drew. They take the horse Detour. We cut to Jill, who says she's "never been so happy in [her] life" as she is to see the sign to the Hacienda. Pang! Pang! Before you know it, Kevin and Drew are arriving as team number ten. Jill and John Vito park, and I can't imagine they didn't count the SUVs and realize exactly where they stand at this point, but they gamely go and get the Detour clue. They take the horses. As they work on the horse, the sad, sad voiceover starts. JV: "As soon as Phil said 'go,' and we ran off that starting line, we just felt like a team. And having Jill by my side the whole way felt fantastic. It just felt right, it felt great to be back." And then they are coming up to the mat. It's like they know, but I think they convinced themselves that maybe other people got lost, too. Maybe other people went to the wrong entrance, and they had a half-hour jump after all, right? "You better have good news for us," Jill says. But Phil has no good news. They're the last team to arrive. And they're eliminated. He turns and looks over his shoulder at this bright green Ecuadorian valley, and he says, "How is that possible?" They stand awkwardly for a minute, and she says, "This is not how we wanted to come back." As he talks about how badly they wanted to win, she wraps her arms around his waist, and he puts one around her shoulder. He talks game -- "We didn't think anybody could surpass us," and she talks other things -- "And considering we're broken up and everything, we got along so great. We had so much fun." She looks up at him to see what he thinks of this. He nods.
John Vito interviews that the race "really brought us back together." Through tears, Jill interviews that it "reunified our relationship to each other and how much we care about each other." She goes on: "So maybe this is going to put us, John Vito and Jill, on a new path that's definitely more than just friends." As much as my romantic little heart, and my little heart that is so enormously fond of them both, would like to leap with joy at this, this kind of situation is very, very complicated, and I will only say I hope that whatever they work out works for them. It's fuckin' hard, no matter what you do, the whole thing with people you loved, and you're doing the "DO NOT BACK UP: SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE" thing, because you can't really go backwards, and... ugh.
week: Everybody is obsessed with Rob and Amber. Oh, good. Also: Charla versus the BQs! This will be almost as good as when she was on Battle Of The Network Reality Stars and she jousted with The Swan.