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And then they kissed.
Not really.
It was the customary hugger-mugger of a finale -- this year, largely in Paris and New York -- featuring sky-diving over Omaha Beach, early trains, jacket-fittings, and lots of comebacks and position switches. The outcome remained tough to call throughout, although Tyler and James's somewhat overly melodramatic meltdown towards the beginning of the episode might have foreshadowed the result.
But in the end, it was indeed the non-sexual boyfriends who claimed the million -- Tyler and James finished first, followed by Rob and Kim, then the *lyns. Not the triumph of good over evil we've seen in some seasons, but a satisfactory result. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Phil's Phabulous Pherocious Phelicitous Phun Phunky Phollies: Well, the season. You know, a lot of things happened. We started out with a surprisingly diverse cast, including some Muslims! Who were going to stop to pray! But they lasted half an episode. Seriously. Then there was a really nice Indian couple who seemed incredibly cool and also were going to bring something slightly different to the race! But they lasted one episode. See also: the gay daughter and her dad, who lasted three episodes. Basically, it was a season in which two models and two beauty pageant contestants stomped all over everyone all season long, if we're being straightforward about it. So was the season disappointing? It was not. Why? Because Peter got dumped. Dumped like a load of recyclables at the plastic-melting facility. Dumped like horse poop in a parade. Dumped like Star Jones. Dumped! Also, the beauty queens wound up having to eat their own giant teeth, so we wound up here. We still have the Addicts (And Models!), who are obvious candidates for their spot; the Pointies, who are not obvious candidates but represent a demographic that often winds up here so that someone can claim at the finish line that they love each other no matter what; and the *lyns, who seriously would have received zero votes at the beginning of the season as a potential final-three team. And now, someone is going to win, probably because of something involving taxis, if past experience is any indication.
Credits. I kind of like the ubiquity of camels on this show. You eat them, you ride them... they should have an all-camel team sometime. That would be awesome.
Commercials. I'm here to tell you: don't believe the hype. The movie of The Devil Wears Prada is actually incredibly off-putting, and way worse than the book. It's like mean satire without the mean. Which, as you know, is unacceptable.
Barcelona, Spain. Phil is accompanied by the Spanish guitars he richly merits (it's the Phlamenco!) as he introduces us to a fountain which, as a "majestic landmark," made quite a logical pit stop. I often wonder whether Phil gets tired of having his picture taken to large and majestic sights. Like, wouldn't you think just once, he'd want to be all, "I am at a swirling cesspool, and the only attractive thing here is me. ME!" Anyway, the teams arrived at this here fountain the end of the last leg. They're now resting all mandatory-like, and they'll soon be leaving for what had damn well better be the last leg on a racearoundtheworld, given that there's a giant crowd of people in a New York bar who think they're going to see an ending and are likely to erupt in an open-bar-fueled riot if anything goes wrong. Don't fuck with the internet people. They'll cut you. With souvenir keychains from their goodie bags. RUH!
11:09 PM. Rob and Kimberly. Her hair is smoothly blown out in celebration of the final leg. He is sporting his usual crest. The clue tells them that there's a church in Barcelona that's been under construction for 124 years. I actually think I might have known what this was if I'd been there, because I have been to Barcelona and I have been to that church. I was in high school at the time, so it was (barely) less than 124 years ago, too. I am, as it happens, not well traveled at all, so when they go somewhere I've actually been, it's always kind of exciting. (Come on, come on... Mall of America! Your clue is at Sox Appeal!) Anyway, Phil explains that just as I would have (hopefully) guessed, they are looking for Sagrada Familia. If you've looked at any Gaudi architecture, which looks to me like melting wax, then you know what this place looks like. They're nice enough not to point out that it's unfinished because the architect was run over by a tram. Maybe that's in the "additional information." Anyway, the clue, Phil explains, is in a park behind the church.
As they leave, Rob interviews that it's "an amazing accomplishment" to be in the final three. Well, without killing each other, that is. And they've only left behind a small trail of vehicles that no longer are operational. Rob collects the extra fee for working the word "amazing" into his comments. They find a lady who knows immediately what church they are looking for. They grab a cab, and Kimberly says that the race has helped her get better at trusting Rob and trusting "his decisions." She is presumably talking about decisions other than the decision to stand around while she gets pelted with vegetables, which I am thinking she still disagrees with. (For those of you who have written to me, the answer is yes, I am planning on launching my own radio show, "Love Is Like Getting Pounded With Tomatoes.") Her hair is very shiny for a month into a race like this. They get in a cab. "Rapido, por favor," Kimberly says in her minimal Spanish, despite the fact that the driver probably speaks primarily Catalan. (A good reason not to choose Barcelona for a place to send high school students who take Castilian Spanish, goddamn bastards at the goddamn exchange program. Not that I am bitter, and not that Barcelona isn't still awesome, and not that I didn't love the 16-year-olds who introduced me to vodka and Fanta or the adorable boy who wanted me to teach him how to pronounce "Bruce Springsteen" like an American.)
In the cab, Rob points out that they're in the lead at the moment, but that's not worth much right now. I think that's safe to say, dude. That lead right out of the pit stop when you're a continent away from home? Not likely to hold up. They get to the church, and Rob notes with obvious actual admiration how cool the church is. So he's in favor of spiking his hair and Spanish architecture. Awesome. They head for the park out back.
11:44 PM. Lyn and Karlyn. As they leave the mat, Lyn wonders in an interview who ever would have thought at the beginning of the race that they'd make it to the final three. I... sheepishly do not raise my hand. Karlyn says that they just want to win for their kids and families. In case, you know, that wasn't clear. They run into a couple of dudes who also instantly direct them to Sagrada Familia. It looks like the guy goes to write down some directions or information for them. Lyn talks about being the first female team to get to the top three, and how great that is. She says that now, they just need to be the first female team to win the money. They get a cab and show their driver what the guy wrote down for them, so he's ready to go. "Sagrada Familia, si."
Rob and Kimberly are searching the grounds of the park. They're sneaking around in the bushes muttering to each other, and it occurs to me that if this were The King And I, they would sing "We Kiss In A Shadow," one of the dumbest songs ever, and then very bad things would happen to them. Things even worse than that song making it into the movie instead of "I Have Dreamed," and this is maybe my worst digression ever, but do not get me started on this or the "Pet Me Papa"/"A Bushel And A Peck" issue, not that the entire Marlon Brando issue doesn't... I've lost you all, haven't I? I have. ["Um...?" -- Joe R] Can you imagine how confusing it is to be inside my head with all this debris? It's like cleaning a 95-year-old librarian's apartment after she dies. Anyway, Rob is concluding that they must be looking in the wrong park.
11:53 PM. James and Tyler. These boys really need to stop wearing below-the-knee shorts or whatever those are. How can a model not know how unflattering those are? James tells us that they're the strongest physical team right now, and he thinks they've "got it." They find a lady, and -- guess what? She knows all about the church. Into a cab, pretty boys! You can kind of tell she thought maybe she could take them there, if you know what I mean.
On the grounds of the church, Rob and Kim finally locate the clue box. Their clue includes a picture of the Eiffel Tower. Phil explains that this will be a 500-mile shot to Paris. The Pointies get in a cab on the way to the airport. Of course, by now, it's midnight, so I don't know where they think any flights would be going. I'm not sure there's, like, a 1:35 AM flight to Lisbon they can use to connect. Rob gives Kimberly a smooch in the cab, just on principle, just because it's Paris, and when somebody says "Paris," you have to make out. (This rule was not in effect at the party in New York.) (And more's the pity, I say.)
Lyn and Karlyn hold their cab and get out at the church. Tyler and James are right behind them. These two teams basically bonk into each other, acknowledge each other, and keep looking. Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly get out of their cab at the airport, hoping that they can "get a plane here." I like it when people adjust their expectations to fit their environment: "At airport = look for plane." It's like being smart, only easier. The *lyns and A(AM!)s are still stuck back at the park, hunting around for the clue box and trying not to get caught by the king of Burma. To no one's surprise, James and Tyler find the box first and pull the Paris clue. They're in the cab in a flash, talking about how the *lyns are still back looking for the clue at the park. Which they are. I do think there's a sense among these teams, though, that most of this is probably not immensely meaningful. One of the people I was with at the party was taking bets on how late in the hour the final bunch would occur, and I don't think anybody took anything much before about twenty minutes before the end.
At the airport, Rob and Kim get the news that really, seriously, nothing is happening until 4:00 AM as far as the ticket counter, so they decide to camp out. James and Tyler arrive at the airport , and they look up at the Arr/Dep board and see a 6:00 AM flight to Paris. They, too, find a counter where they learn that everything starts selling at 4:00 AM. They briefly consider buying online, but they apparently know somehow that they can't buy tickets online less than 24 hours ahead. Considering I've bought tickets online, like, six hours before a flight, I don't think that's a general rule, but maybe in Europe? Or for international flights? Or for racers? Or in their tiny model brains? (But I kid models!) Anyway, they run into Rob and Kimberly, and both teams notice the conspicuous absence of the *lyns. James still wants to "find some internet," which, as someone muttered to me at the party, does sound a lot like he's trying to score. Tyler says it won't do any good at this point. "Wouldn't hurt," James argues. "Forget it, dude," Tyler says. James sits against the wall and pouts, because Tyler never lets him do anything fun and he wanted to read Fark. Just a guess.
The *lyns are still looking for that clue box. Finally, they find it, and they clearly like the idea of Paris. They get in a cab. Back at the airport, the two lead teams are stretched out snoozing on the floor in a little row, like pencils in a box. The *lyns pull up outside. They too look at the Arr/Dep board, and they note one flight at 6:00 AM and then another at 7:25 AM on Iberia. The Rattlesnake Of Suspense suggests that something important is happening as Lyn notes that there seem to be only those two flights as options, really. They discover the other teams camped out at the Vueling counter, which is the airline with the 6:00 AM flight. "As usual, we catch up with the pack," they note.
At 4:00 AM, the ticket counter window rolls open. Rob and Kimberly are the first to get their agent moving, and they are the first to be booked on the flight to Charles de Gaulle. (Which is the airport.) (In Paris.) (You know this, right?) The A(AM!)s, in line, learn that there is only one seat left, so there's no space for them. Wow, that was some good ticket luck the Pointies had. The *lyns see this all developing and decide to head directly for Iberia and deal with the 7:25 AM flight. Tyler and James go, too, but they're looking for an Air France flight that was referenced by the Vueling ticket lady, which flight the *lyns haven't seen anywhere at all. Perhaps it was kept off the board for some reason. The music sounds like Willy Wonka is taking you directly into the chocolate factory as Rob and Kim are very happy about their position as the only team with the 6:00 AM tickets in hand. Again, it's good, but it's... you know, everybody really just needs to get there. You're probably still good if you're an hour or two behind when nobody's even flying home yet.
At the Air France counter, which won't open until 5:00, James is still grouching around, and Tyler wants to know what his passive-aggressively steamy deal is. James's deal, of course, is that he wanted to look for internet access last night, and he thinks they might have gotten reservations on that 6:00 AM flight if they had. Tyler remains convinced it would have done no good, and I think we know that Tyler is not going to have his mind changed by James. James is lucky he doesn't get cut off with an "I said good day, sir!" somewhere along here. It appears that Rob is aware of the Air France flight being at 7:05, since he says he and Kim will have a lead of an hour and five minutes when they get to Paris. The fight between the A(AM!)s continues as Tyler wants to know why James didn't "speak up" if he was so worried. Of course, as James points out, he did speak up, and Tyler told him to forget it. I don't know that this "you should have argued with me more" thing ever sounds very convincing. I understand if it's "you didn't say anything and now you're complaining," but not so much "when I told you to shut up, you should have fought me harder." It's a little too "save me from my own bossiness" for my personal taste. We learn here that even when bickering over who didn't listen to whom, Tyler and James still say "dude" just as much. I think even if they were having a fist fight, it would be like, "Oof! Dude!" "Ow! Dude!" And so forth.
Commercials. Nobody gets that happy over Pizza Hut. It just doesn't happen.
When we return, we are waiting for Rob and Kim's flight to take off, and for the other teams to get themselves some tickets so that someone will be in Paris to race besides the Pointies. If nobody else showed up, they'd like it, but it would be lonely. Lyn and Karlyn buy tickets on Iberia for the 7:25 AM flight, which is arriving at 9:05. They also learn that their flight lands at Orly, not Charles de Gaulle. The nice lady assures them that if their actual destination is the Eiffel Tower, then Orly is better, because it's better located. For people who aren't accustomed to multiple airports, I suppose this might be mystifying, but in addition to the New York situation, if you've ever dealt with Dulles and Reagan, for instance, it's apples and oranges. Dulles means driving in the suburbs like you're going to the mall; Reagan means getting tailgated by six thousand harried lobbyists in SUVs and weaving your way through downtown. (It also means... getting lost, but that's a whole different thing.) (I just want to say that if the sign tells me to get in this lane, I don't appreciate it when it turns out that the only way to make it to my exit is to be in the opposite lane.) Lyn is hopeful that maybe they'll make up a little bit of time by being at the better airport. Meanwhile, Tyler and James are ticketed on the Air France flight leaving at 7:05 and arriving at... 9:00. Heh. Not much of a lead, there. I wonder what that's about. As far apart as those airports may be, I don't know that I buy that you'd lose a half-hour just flying to Charles de Gaulle. Maybe they fly slower. James talks about how they're going to be a little more than an hour behind Rob and Kim. Kim's just happy about going to Paris. (Aaaand... make out!) At 6:00 AM, their flight leaves. At 7:05 AM, the boys leave. At 7:25 AM, the girls leave.
The AYL is not remotely challenged by explaining the tiny hop from Barcelona to Paris. Phil explains that upon arrival in Paris, the teams will have to get to the third floor of the Eiffel Tower (where Kim and Leslie are still asking for a yellow and white flag in Spanish), where there will be a clue box.
Kim and Rob land at Charles de Gaulle. They've learned on the flight that it's faster to take the train into the city and avoid traffic, so they hop on a train. Public transportation follies! It occurs to me here that there have been a lot of taxis and spoon-fed cars this season, and very little public transportation. It's kind of sad. You should smell the locals, you know? A lot.
Tyler and James land , as scheduled. They, too, find out from some airport guys about the train and decide to use that option. It appears that when they get in the line for the train, Rob and Kim are on the train that's leaving. Dun-dun-duuuuun! Meanwhile, at another airport entirely, the *lyns arrive. They are told that it's better with a taxi -- which, of course, is totally believable, since they're in closer to the city, allegedly. They get in a cab. Three miles in a cab might beat three miles on a train, even if twenty miles on a train beats twenty miles in a cab.
It turns out that Tyler and James did not get on Rob and Kim's train, so Rob and Kim are on "Train 1" and Tyler and James are on "Train 2." In the cab, Lyn says that their driver is doing a great job for them. "He feels the importance oozing from us," Karlyn claims. Wow, that's kind of... gross. I'm surprised the driver didn't hit some kind of eject button, like, "No oozing! Leather seats! No!" The show kind of plays up the matter of the boys and Pointies on the train talking about how it's faster than a taxi, then back to the *lyns, like this is going to prove something about train versus taxi, but obviously you can't really see, because they're coming from a different airport. Anyway, the point is allegedly made when the *lyns arrive at the Eiffel Tower "Currently In 1st Place." When Rob and Kimberly get there, Kim is frustrated to see the *lyns' bags outside the entrance. Considering that the *lyns had a flight an hour and a half after hers, I can't blame her for being bummed out. "They get places quick," she notes. So the *lyns hop off the elevator on the third floor. They grab the clue, and as they're going back down, they see Rob and Kim arriving, and Rob and Kim see them. Karlyn smiles to herself. Back down at the bottom, these two teams open their clues and learn that they are to take a train to Caen. This is 145 miles, as Phil tells us. (The party was hoping it was an alternate spelling of Cannes: "You must attend a film festival and screen a very pretentious movie... ") At the airport in Caen, they will find another clue. Hmm, a clue? A task? At a small airport? What could it be? As the *lyns leave in their cab for the St. Lazare train station, Lyn points out that the closer airport was a really good deal for them. I think that was true in this case not only because it was closer, but because the other teams wound up being better off waiting for a train that exaggerated the difference in travel time above the strict mile-for-mile difference. "Now that's thinkin'," Karlyn says, as if they carefully selected the closer airport instead of deciding to go for that flight before they had any idea where it was landing, which they did. So it's not "thinkin'" so much as "luckin'," not that she's the first person to ever blur that line.
Rob and Kim are told that they can get to the train station quickly on the metro, so they're still avoiding the cab thing. As they're leaving, Kim is glad that at least James and Tyler haven't shown up yet. But hey! Here they are! James and Tyler! Getting off the train by the Eiffel Tower! They are running to the tower! The *lyns are getting out of their cab at the train station! Rob and Kimberly getting off the metro at the train station! Tyler and James grabbing their clue! This is what they get for squeezing it all into an hour-long finale. The *lyns are now looking for the train to Caen. Lyn tells us that the train to Caen leaves at 12:25 PM. Rob and Kim arrive and they, too, learn of the 12:25 PM train. Tyler and James are just hopping into a cab to head for the train station. In the cab, they discuss the fact that they didn't see anyone, and they know Rob and Kim are ahead of them, but they don't know where the *lyns are. They arrive at the train station, and they get tickets on... the 12:25. They're kind of happy to run into Rob and Kim; not so happy to hear that the *lyns are here also. It's interesting, because they sort of find out that they were in last place and that they've caught up at the same time. Like, "NO! Oh, okay." The boys talk about how the *lyns were underestimated early on, and then they hop on the train. I like how everyone has to give little shout-outs to the underestimated *lyns, as if this weren't the result of the *lyns constantly finishing near the back of the pack. It's not like it was made up because people are mean. Karlyn mutters to herself that she knew the boys would probably make up the time. So all the teams are on the same train from Paris to Caen. Bunch! Again! The A(AM!)s are, of course, quite happy, since they were figuring they were running behind, and now it's a tie. Tyler says that this is the time for "heat" to be applied to the other teams, and he adds, "No more friends." Oh, Tyler.
Caen train station. Teams hop into cabs and head for the airport. First to get there are the A(AM!)s, who find a clue box and open a Roadblock. Phil explains that in the Roadblock, one person will "brave the skies over Normandy." Don't worry -- said skies are not as dangerous as they once were. Both team members will go up in a plane. One will do a tandem skydive, and the other one will get "a surprise aerial nosedive" in the plane that will hopefully not result in a fiery crash. The skydiver will land on Omaha Beach, which, as you may know, was a landing site for the Allies. The skydiver will then be taken to the train station where their partner will be waiting. Tyler takes the skydive, and they get their instructor and leave. James says he's done more of the Roadblocks thus far, so Tyler is doing this. This is James's moment where he should have looked right into the camera and said that he was tired of carrying Tyler's sorry ass, and things were about to change, baby -- change! It's James time!
Rob and Kim and the *lyns follow. As Karlyn is announcing that she'll take the Roadblock, Rob and Kim run up behind them and Kim totally knocks herself on her ass on the floor. It's really funny, partly because it's a flat-out flattening and they accidentally get a really good camera shot of it. Rob picks her up, complete with heavy recovery-limiting backpack, instead of saying, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Kimberly takes the Roadblock, and Rob is visibly pissy about not getting to do it. "The one thing I wanted to do, man," he mutters as they head outside. He really, really needs to stop being a big baby.
Tyler and James's plane takes off. As Karlyn gets ready to go, her instructor asks her if she wants to win, and she says she does, talking about all her "sacrifices." I'm not sure he meant did she think she deserved to win, which is the question she's answering. He says that if she wants to win, she's lucky she's with him. Heh. The guy promises her that he's "crazy," and she's like, "Hee hee... um." She tells us, essentially, that she's just going to have to trust that "crazy," in this case, includes "knowledgeable about how not to die while carrying my ass around in a plane." They take off. Kim tells us that she's gone skydiving before, so it's a little sad that Rob didn't get to go. Oh, look -- they share the same frustration. Unfortunate appearance of skydiving = pelted with tomato. (Once you start, you just won't be able to stop.) So now, everybody is in the air.
Tyler and his instructor are out of the plane. Karlyn and Kimberly follow. But it turns out that they're all total wusses, because they're wearing parachutes. So much for the level of difficulty in this stupid Roadblock. Tyler is the first to float to the ground and come in for a nice, soft landing. It turns out that James has to get himself a taxi to the rendezvous point, so he does. (Imaginary Talented Mr. James Of My Mind: "It's all me, baby. James. You hear me? It's all me.") Tyler hops into his jeep, and he leaves with his driver. Karlyn lands , and she calls it "more fun than [she] thought it was going to be." Heh. I'll bet. Lyn says her part was pretty fun, also. Nothing like plunging toward the earth in a dance of death. And here's Kimberly, landing. Rob calls the whole thing "awesome," then gets a taxi. In the cab, however, he is still griping about not getting to do the skydiving, because, he insists again, it was the one thing he cared about doing. Poor baby. It's too bad there isn't any skydiving anywhere in the world except on reality shows. Now he has to try to get on another one. And of course, it's totally her fault that he couldn't do it, so he should complain to her a lot.
James is waiting at the train station when Tyler arrives in his jeep. They receive a clue that tells them to take a train back to Paris. This, Phil says, is 163 miles. There, they'll head for Place de la Concorde (a square, basically) for another clue. Inside, the A(AM!)s learn that the train leaves at 5:23 PM and arrives in Paris at 7:37 PM. It connects in Caen, so they're actually at a different train station. They grab tickets, and they see that they're being followed closely by the *lyns, who also get tickets for the 5:23 PM train. Rob and Kim show up, and they also are told about the 5:23 PM train. Since the train doesn't leave for a while, Rob wants to change some American money for euros. They take a stroll. Shall we call it a fateful stroll? I don't think we can say yet.
Unfortunately for Rob and Kimberly, it turns out that being told to grab the 5:23 train doesn't mean there isn't one before that. In fact, Tyler and James and the *lyns jump onto a train going to Caen, despite the fact that it's only ten after five. Elsewhere, Rob is walking around feeling pretty good about himself as he returns to the station, happy about the fact that he thought ahead to change money now so they won't have to do it in the train station in Paris. Normally, he would be right that this is sound thinking. But in this situation, there is some chance that it will not pay off. On the train, as it's leaving, Tyler wonders where Rob and Kim are, and Lyn points out that they may have left to go into town or something, since it's not time yet for the train to leave. Indeed, when Rob and Kim get to the platform, they are quite distraught to find everyone gone. Rob can't imagine where they went without the promised 5:23 train. As it turns out, there is a 5:23 PM train in addition to the 5:10 train, and Rob and Kim get on it. Kim says that the frustrated and nervous Rob is "bumming [her] out" by being all grumpy about the situation, since he doesn't understand where the other teams went. I think the skydiving is still his issue, and he just can't get over it. It looks like Rob presumes that they got on an earlier train, but he can't really know for sure. In the station in Caen where the teams are changing trains, the *lyns and A(AM!)s are speculating about Rob and Kim's whereabouts, but then Rob and Kim show up. It all amounted to nothing -- you had to take a little hop-skip over to Caen, and they took one ten minutes later, but it was all the same connection to Paris, so it doesn't matter. "Even Steven," Rob says happily. What a surprise! Bunched again! Who would have, you know, taken wagers on this happening?
Before you know it, we are back to Paris. Everyone runs through the train station. The first team to land a taxi is the *lyns, who are followed by the Pointies. Tyler and James? Still looking. The boys keep running into cabs that claim to be waiting for someone else. That's very weird, how that keeps happening at this particular spot. It's like nobody wants to pick them up. Maybe they're oozing importance. James looks down and clutches his head in the perfect "going to commercial" look of despair. I kind of want a t-shirt with a cartoon head looking down, saying, "That's it -- we're out!" And then on the back, there would be a grinning face with words that say, "Whew! Thank God that bus arrived when it did!"
Commercials. God, Milo Ventimiglia. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
When we come back, Tyler and James are "Currently In Last Place," and they're finally getting a cab. Whew! (See?) "We just want to catch up," Tyler says pleadingly to the universe. The *lyns and Pointies, sure enough, are arriving at the square and looking for the clue box, so the boys are behind. The Pointies find the box first, though the details about where it is and how you find it are kind of obscured in the way the episode is ultimately presented. The clue they get is a Detour asking the team to choose between Art and Fashion. In Art, you pick up a painting and carry it through the streets of Paris to an artist who will give you your clue. In Fashion, you go to a fashion studio and create a jacket by cutting it and fitting it to a mannequin. Rob and Kim immediately choose Fashion. The *lyns find the clue, and they also pick Fashion. I assume that the information about Art made it seem like the place you took the painting would be really hard to find, because why would everyone not seem to even consider the task that's basically "Walk here," when nobody really knows how good they are at pinning a French jacket together? The A(AM!)s don't appear to be all that far behind as they arrive at the square and pass Rob and Kim leaving. The friendly alliance falls by the wayside as Rob and Kim successfully make like they don't have the clue yet. When the A(AM!)s find the clue box, though, they realize that Rob and Kim must have already found it, given the direction they were coming from. Aw, sadness! Disillusionment! The boys take Fashion because, as they say, "We've been fitted a million times." That sounds, really, like a terrible argument to me. I've had my oil changed a lot of times; that doesn't mean I'd be comfortable doing it myself. ["The argument in my house came down to 'They're models -- of course they'll choose fashion!' versus 'They're boys -- of course they'll choose to carry things!'" -- Joe R]
Rob and Kim arrive at the fashion studio first. The boys are and are happy to have beaten the *lyns there. Cutting of patterns begins in earnest. I kind of want someone to say "I didn't steal the bitch's dye" right along here. Rob and Kim bicker a little; the boys are feeling confident. The *lyns finish first -- or "finish" first -- but the designer who's supervising says that their pleats are inadequate. She also gives a "no" to Rob and Kim, and then another one to the *lyns. In an interview, Lyn calls her "the fashion Gestapo." She adds. "All she wanted to say was... 'noooooo.'" Hee hee. She draws it out in a very snotty way, kind of pointing with her hand and looking like she's smelling poo, and it seems... kind of reminiscent of the actual lady, if I'm being honest. More "no" for Rob and Kim, more "no" for the *lyns. First to get a "yes"? That would be Tyler and James. They are, in fact, models, but I also think they charmed the dress lady. The clue they get tells them to fly to New York. There, they'll find the "News Building" with "the giant globe." That's where the clue is. The boys leave for the airport, choosing to be taken to Charles de Gaulle rather than Orly, saying that it's the one with far more international flights.
Finally, Lyn and Karlyn get their clue from the fashion Gestapo. In the cab, they choose to go to Orly, figuring undoubtedly that it's closer, and hey -- they got lucky there last time. They don't appear, though, to have done much research about airports, which there should have been some time for during some of the train rides and other waiting around. Finally, back at the studio, Rob and Kim get their clue. They get a cab straight to Charles de Gaulle. In the cab to Orly, Karlyn and Lyn talk more about all their sacrifices, and about how much they need to get to the finish line first. And what is Rob doing? He is still bitching about the skydiving, if you can believe that. Kimberly basically tells him to shut up and get over it. There's this really weird thing where her voice raises slightly, and he doesn't really react, and then like five seconds later, he's all, "Don't yell at me!" It just seems like... he's doing it too late, you know? It's like he took a minute to process it and decide he should be upset. It's very strange, like when a three-year-old falls down and doesn't start crying until he sees whether you're looking. There's more pointless bickering, and then she's suddenly like, "I am done with you!" Wait... what? I didn't even understand that, entirely. It's like they don't even mean it, they're just doing their act for old time's sake, like Sonny and Cher on Letterman.
Charles de Gaulle. Tyler and James are looking for tickets. They learn of a direct flight tomorrow morning at 8:25 AM on Air France. It will get them to JFK at 10:15 AM. However! There are only business class seats. Of course, they can't travel business class. They ask about the economy waiting list, and they're told, "No problem." Other options include a 9:55 flight on Continental getting to Newark at 11:55 AM. (Half of TARcon crowd: "Nooooooo! Not Newark!") They set that flight up now, as their backup. Tyler interviews that the waiting list for the 8:25 flight looks to be really long, so they're not thinking anybody's getting on that one.
The -- well, maybe the first -- significant thing happens when Lyn and Karlyn arrive at Orly and learn that there are no direct flights from Orly to New York. As in, There Are Not Any. They learn of the 8:25 AM flight from Charles de Gaulle, but not only is it full -- they can't even get on the waiting list from here. They beg, but nothing doing. The guy can't do anything about that flight without having them go to Charles de Gaulle to deal with it. They turn around to leave.
Rob and Kim are in their taxi. They look very tense. They arrive at the airport. Same deal -- 8:25 AM flight, but there's nothing available. They beg and beg, and they reference a million dollars, and they're finally told that they might be able to check with the manager about the flight. The manager agrees that he'll check. Meanwhile, in the Lyn and Karlyn cab, they have nothing confirmed at all, because they couldn't do anything at Orly about a flight to New York. Lyn is explaining all of this kind of wearily as Karlyn looks unhappily out the window. I think they know that this may be an actual Bad Thing.
Shockingly, the manager emerges on Rob and Kim's behalf and tells them that they are on the flight for sure. That's very... impressive. I don't know how that happened, but it never hurts to see how far you can get by begging and being polite but persistent. (And how!) Understandably, Kim is very relieved that they got on this flight, and she's desperately hoping that they might be on it alone. Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn go to check in at Air France, and the counter isn't even open at the moment. "This is down to the wire," Karlyn says.
So then it's evening, and then it's the morning. As soon as the Air France counter opens up, Lyn starts pleading to get on the 8:25 AM flight. "No, because today is fully booked, you know?" They get themselves on the waiting list, and they're sent to the gate to wait. Meanwhile, at the gate, James and Tyler are getting the bad news that it looks "very bad" for them getting on the 8:25 AM. They run into the *lyns, and nobody really knows just what Rob and Kim's situation is, since Rob and Kim obviously don't have the same need to hover over the desk. Instead, they're preparing to board. In fact, elsewhere, Kimberly just hopes to leave without anyone else. They board. Tyler is stressing out in the gate area. It's so tense! Rob mutters to Kim, "We're going to win this thing." Apparently, he decided that putting a curse on them was the way to go. "No way, dude. It's over," says some Addict (And Model!) miserably. As usual, "it's over" means it's time for commercials.
Commercials. You know what needed to be bigger? Pizza.
We come back. It's over! They're doomed! And then, here comes a voice with a French accent: "Who is James?" James and Tyler head over, but the lady still has to check with "the ticketing counter," whoever that is who hasn't already been checked with. James is praying, but probably not well enough, so Tyler tells him to "say your deepest prayers ever." Not just any prayers, slacker. James tries to pray harder. And then the music swells... and everyone is anxious... and then the boarding passes pop up out of the machine. James and Tyler are on the flight! Who can believe it? They hustle for the flight, sure that the *lyns are freaking out. Of course, they sort of are, but now the flight is really full, apparently. As the boys get on the plane, they're anxious to see what Rob and Kimberly's faces look like. "The boys are on," Kimberly mutters miserably. "What?" Rob asks, popping his head up. "So bummed to see you," Rob says, which I kind of respect, because at least it's honest and not personally mean. I would be bummed to see them, too, you know?
The Paris-New York flight leaves without the *lyns. But Lyn says she's starved enough that she's not a fat lady, and she's not singing. Heh. I do like her; she seems like a nice person.
Aaaaaand New York City! The Air France flight lands, and Rob explains that... well, that the flight just landed. Both teams run through JFK, and both teams get into taxis, and both teams ask for the Daily News building. Unfortunately for Rob and Kim, their driver doesn't know exactly where the News Building is, so Kim tells him to follow the Tyler/James cab. I'm kind of mystified that none of them seem to have bought any New York stuff in Paris and tried to figure out where the News Building was, you know? I mean, is there internet in the Paris airport? Because "New York" and "News Building" gets you a Wikipedia entry with the address in plain sight as your first hit, I'm just saying. Anyway, Tyler and James are aware of being followed, and they ask their driver if he can think of any way that they might ditch the other cab. "I'm giving them dodge, don't worry!" says the A(AM!)s' driver. Hee hee. I like it when the drivers are co-opted. He's giving them dodge! Their driver makes his attempt by changing at the very last minute in a way that's very unsafe but theoretically pretty effective. But in fact, it doesn't quite work, and Rob and Kim's driver manages to stick with them. Both cab drivers performed admirably, if totally unsafely, in that situation. Safety is overrated! Kim tells her driver that the other cab is trying to lose them on purpose, so now it's like a throwdown. Cabbie versus cabbie! Who will win?
The thing that arises here is that Tyler and James are in a cab with EZ Pass, so it can zip through the toll. Rob and Kimberly's cab doesn't. Now, if you've ridden in the back of a New York cab recently, you may know that this is actually addressed on the little thing on the back of the seat, along with the information about your Bill of Rights and so forth. It actually says that the drivers are required to use EZ Pass and to pass the savings along to you. (Seriously; it says that.) So Rob and Kim have an actual regulation-violating taxi driver, which is kind of too bad for them. So Rob and Kimberly get stuck in the cash line, which can take a while at the wrong time of day. Although honestly, this doesn't look like the wrong time of day, that much. The A(AM!)s zip through the line in their taxi. "We're screwed," says Kim.
It turns out that the Pointies' driver does basically know where the News Building is, so once he pays the toll, he gets them to the general area. But the A(AM!)s are there first, as you might expect. The EZ Pass blessing? Maybe. They run inside to where the enormous globe is, and they find the clue box right to it, right where you'd think it should be. The clue tells them to head on foot to the East Village and find the sculpture in the picture. Phil explains that the sculpture, which they have to find with only the picture, is The Alamo. Not the real Alamo, of course. That's a fortress. At the sculpture, a woman in a yellow cap will give them their clue. Eh. There's something kind of... doofy about this. It's like the show is so famous now that they can't do anything out in public that will attract attention, so there's just this dopey lady in a hat. James and Tyler are a little bit daunted by the thought of running all the way to the East Village, which... seriously, dude. That's a hike. They're at, like, 42nd Street. Eeps.
Here are Rob and Kimberly at the great big globe. "Come on!" Rob says. "I've been to the East Village!" I don't know why, but that struck me really funny. "I know where that entire neighborhood is! Just follow me!"
James and Tyler are on the way to the sculpture, and Tyler is asking James if he's burning. They are the sexiest friends evah! They note that it's going to be another thirty blocks or so. Rob and Kimberly are running, too. James and Tyler think that the sculpture is at Astor Place, but a lady on the street tells them it's near Union Square. Not the same thing. Another guy tells Rob and Kimberly, though, that indeed, it's Astor Place, and the address is in the vicinity of 8th Street and Third Avenue. So that's way down and over from where they are. (You can subtract eight from 42, right?)
The suggestion here is that Rob and Kimberly are running, but Tyler and James are going slower. Will the Pointies catch up? Huh? Huh? At the sculpture, though, we first see Tyler and James, unsurprisingly. The yellow-cap girl gives them their clue. The clue tells them to persuade a cab driver to take them to Garrison, New York, located in Putnam County. They should have done it at the shift change. They couldn't even have gotten to Brooklyn. This is a 56-mile trip, and as (again) the back seat of the cab says, they don't have to take you that far, so just as the clue suggests, it is a negotiation. Anyway, once they get there, they'll find St. Basil Academy, where the finish line is. The boys are very excited about the contents of this particular clue, and the fact that it says "finish line," and the fact that it promises the end. The first cab they stop, the guy doesn't know where they're going, really. He finds Putnam County in general in his book, though, so they decide to get going, and they can get the details on the way. A risky strategy, that. In the cab, though, they're starting to get happy, because they're pretty sure they're up on Rob and Kim. (By the way, if you're wondering, St. Basil Academy is a Christian children's home and school, basically, raising underprivileged children to be Orthodox Christians.)
Rob and Kim find the sculpture and the yellow cap. They get a cab who agrees to take them, and he quickly says he knows how to get there. "As fast as you can," Rob says. "It's worth a million dollars." I never know why people think that's going to be effective. To quote Wil and Tara's taxi non-wrangler, "I don't care. I'm not gettin' it." Meanwhile, Tyler explains to his driver that there are people who are going to be trying to beat them there, so they need to go fast. "All we can do is hope that the boys get lost," Kimberly says.
Tense people driving in cabs. James and Tyler's driver, on the phone, getting directions. Guessing at which way is "north." Yipes. The first person they ask about St. Basil Academy has no idea where it is, but the second guy is basically like, "Yeah, it's over there." Rob and Kim! James and Tyler! Rob and Kim! James and Tyler!
A cab drives onto the grounds of a school. Phil! Is standing on the big red mat! Teams are waiting by the side of the mat, cheering just like they care! And around the corner... running up over the hill... EXACTLY LIKE IN THE PREVIEWS FROM LAST WEEK... James and Tyler! Nobody at the finish line really looks like they care, but the guys throw down their packs and start running gleefully. Welcome, James and Tyler, you are the official winners! They hug. They hug Phil. The BQs pretend to be happy for them. James reports that he's "almost numb." And he should know. There is much rejoicing. They can't believe it! Seriously, it is unbelievable how easy it was to tell from the previews who won. The closest they came to creating suspense was that it was so obvious that it seemed like maybe it was a fake-out. Quoting myself directly from a chat I had the night that preview aired: "I suspect that in one way or another, that's cooked up. I just don't think they'd give it away that much." Shows you what I know.
Okay, now here's a taxi full of Rob and Kimberly, who do not yet know that they didn't win. But when they get up over the hill, they see Tyler and James on the mat. Hey, it's earlier than Margarita got the news. They take second place pretty gracefully, all things considered. Phil asks about the relationship being "contingent" on winning the money, and fortunately, Rob's response is basically, "Well, I didn't really mean that." Phil teases Kimberly about the "big rock" she wanted him to buy her. She says he can "work for it." Thanks for setting back the cause, KIMBERLY.
A few years later, the *lyns come strolling up to the finish line. They are the third team to arrive. Lyn is happy that they're the first women to finish the race. Which... they may well not have, but that's an argument for another day. Karlyn says something about how she's a butterfly, or maybe the race is a butterfly, or all the countries she went to are butterflies. And she wants her daughter to know you can escape your boring life and go on TV, I think. Kimberly is proud that they got so far. Rob says they "have a great relationship." He "really is in love with this woman."
Now, there's this bad part, which is that Phil announces that they can use his Sprint phone (available everywhere!) to call their families and tell them the good news. First, Tyler calls his mom, who's like, "You won? Oh, good." Then we get James's dad, whose eyebrows kind of... fly right off his face. It is really impressive. His eyebrows are a curlicue. His eyebrows are a wonderland. I don't even know how to process them. James tells his father that they won, and his father is also happy. I can't look at anything else on his father's face.
Lots of inter-team hugging ensues at the big red podium. Tyler did it with his best friend! He says that the countries are all like a blur, like when he was on drugs, but now that he won, it's like being sober. Okay, he only sort of says parts of that, but it would have been great if he had actually said that. He "won the game of life," and now he won the game of a game show. Way to take the fun out of yourself winning, there, Tyler. Freeze frame! James... doesn't talk. At all. Does not address the victory. Damn. I think even Brennan got to talk.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
up: All-Stars. Or, as it should more accurately be called, "All"-"Stars."