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The Ukraine beckons, so once the teams finish up the first half of the leg in Finland, they're off. When they get where they're going, it's time for a tank-driving Roadblock that involves mud (again) and the *wins and *lyns falling behind (again). By the time the teams get to the Detour, the "alliance" has fallen apart after the *lyns spend most of the episode bitching about how the *wins -- whom they are following because they have no map and no idea where they're going -- aren't driving fast enough. Oh, BOY. The Detour calls for either haystack-searching or embarrassingly bad rap (yes, really), and in the end, the Addicts (And Models!) pull out the victory, breaking the BQs' streak. It's a race for last place between the *wins and *lyns, and particularly once the *wins manage to get themselves detained by the police for taking a wrong turn, the *lyns get to the mat safely. The *wins are Philiminated, and they spend their time on the mat as expected -- talking about how much more integrity they have than everyone else. Boo. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud: In Finland, the BQs and A(AM!)s jockeyed for position in the mud, while the *lyns and *wins dragged, again, some more. The Pointies were up, then down, then up, then down, and then everybody was down -- in the bottom of a limestone mine, as a matter of fact. Rob went a little crazy psycho, but he and Kim made a little progress. At the end of the hour, we learned that it was not the end of the leg. Instead, it was the dreaded "To Be Continued" episode -- kind of like kissing your sister, only less interesting.
Credits. Come back, Vipul of the People. Karlyn of the People isn't making the rest of us look very good. [BOMP.]
Look! It's Helsinki, Finland, also known as "Helinski" in certain communities. (I personally blame a spelling error on the sash worn by Miss Helsinki in some sort of Miss Possibly Scandinavia And Possibly Not pageant.) James is on the side of the tower, gradually making his way down as Tyler cheers him on. When he finally gets to the bottom, James calls the rappel "the freakiest thing I've ever done in my entire life." This, I do not believe. But now they're reading the clue again, and it's all KEEP RACING!! again, and they're pretending to be surprised again, or else they're stupid. Because when it doesn't say "pit stop," it's kind of not a trick question. Tyler interviews that upon hearing this news, he was "definitely not a happy camper." It's a good thing I'm all class, or this would get me involved in inappropriate thoughts about Tyler and camping. Tyler reads the clue, which refers to the 1986 "nuclear accident" that happened at Chernobyl. It says to fly to "this country's capital city." Apparently, that would be Chernobyl's country -- it's really not "this country," so that clue could have used a copy editor. But anyway, Phil says that the teams must "figger out" (hee hee) that Chernobyl, where "the world's first nook-ya-lur accident" (ACK!) occurred, is in Ukraine. The capital city is Kiev, so that's where the teams are supposed to go. When they get there, Phil and the hilarious dinky-dink music explain that they will have to find a "Russian-made car." The aforementioned dinky-dink strongly suggests that this car will be unreliable. Along with the car, they'll find their clue. In one of my favorite lines of the episode, James just says, "Freakin' Chernobyl." I can't explain why, but totally cracks me up. It's like, "Damn nuclear accidents." The guys also chuckle over whether it's really safe to go, not really paying attention to the fact that you are going to the capital of the country that Chernobyl is in, not going to Chernobyl itself. They are worried about accumulating "a third eye," which is stupid and hackneyed, and yet funny. Sometimes, the easiest joke is the good one. (Thank God.)
Phil reminds us that the rest of the teams still have to make their way down the side of the tower. He Phils in that there are three rappel lines, and it's first-come, first-served, but your team can only occupy one line at a time. At the moment, Kandice is already on one of the lines as Dustin instructs her from the top that she can indeed do it. Just once, I want to hear the teammate say, "You know what? I don't think you can do this. I'd quit now, if I were you." Kandice falls against the side of the building as James and Tyler speed off toward, presumably, the airport.
Here are the Pointies, bounding into the tower downstairs and finding their way to the clue box. They are followed by *wins and *lyns. These three teams all read the clue, and they all head out a door, thinking they're going to find the tower. What do you suppose are the odds they'll get it on the first try, considering that this is basically the group made up of People Who Can't Get From Here To There Successfully Without A Sherpa?
Meanwhile, Kandice is done with the rappel, and Dustin is now getting started. My prediction: Kandice thinks she can do it. Dustin says she's "out of [her] comfort zone." I'll bet. Put her in a gown, people! Glue that butt! She'll feel right at home. Elsewhere, the trailing three teams learn that they did not find the tower. They just found part of the stadium. The *lyns actually find their way to the elevator first, so they head up the tower ahead of the Pointies and *wins. Then Rob and Kim, followed by Erwin and Godwin, find the tower. It's apparently a two-person elevator, so the Pointies go up first and the *wins have to wait. Dustin reaches the bottom, and when they read the clue and learn that they have to keep going, Dustin and Kandice don't seem surprised at all. "Where is Chernobyl?" one of them wonders as they get into their car, and the other one says, "I know it's where the atomic bomb went off." Oh, man. The clue just said "nuclear accident." You don't even have to know history. You just have to be able to read. I don't understand why she said that. Neither does the sound guy who inserts a huge gong sound, which, as you know, is Editor for "Get a load of that." Dustin now offers an interview in which she describes their relationship with James and Tyler as "love-hate," in that they "can't afford to spend time" together, and they're each other's competition, and so forth. Hmm. I call that "dating." Maybe that's why I so often wind up loving and hating simultaneously.
Top of the tower. Karlyn is getting ready to start down. She actually doesn't seem particularly freaked out. I have a feeling that her everything-else skills are a lot better than her social skills. Then Kimberly offers a little prayer and starts down. (As I've said before, when you're praying not for victory but for the maintenance of your bodily integrity, I tend to cut slack.) The one having the most trouble is unsurprisingly Godwin, who has the previously mentioned paralyzing fear of heights, and is thus not crazy about walking down a building face-first. "I'm terrified right now," he says. Karlyn gets to the bottom and thanks Jesus. (Jesus: "Be nicer!") Godwin, on the other hand, decides that he can't do it yet, and that Erwin has to go first. Who's not bothered by the task? Kimberly. Lyn's approach is to pray for God to make her "bold." Erwin edges out onto the rope, his feet against the side of the tower. He initially doesn't think he can do it, and he claims that he hopes to inspire Godwin. "It's just the first step, is the hardest," says Godwin, who is in quite the position to give advice, considering that he not only doesn't know what's after the first step, he doesn't know what the first step is like, not having done it.
Tyler and James are arriving at the airport. They head for "International Flights." Good start. Chernobyl is almost definitely not in Finland. The BQs are close behind them.
Erwin continues to edge down the tower side. Lyn hasn't left yet, and Karlyn is grumbling about what would be taking Lyn so long. Meanwhile, Erwin has gotten all turned around, and he's hanging horizontally in the wrong direction, so he bonks into the wall with his head. I don't care who you are; that's funny. In fact, he then begins to slide down the wall with his head scraping against it. That is not easy to accomplish, even if you were trying to do it on purpose. Guy Rappels On Head is funny. It's like the diaper-stealing sequence in Raising Arizona: if you don't laugh, we are not friends. When Erwin gets to the bottom, he says to the equipment guy, "Have you ever seen anyone come down on their head before?" I think the answer to that, most likely, is "No." But I admire him for asking, which kind of allows him to take the situation back under his own control. Now, finally, Lyn is on her way down. Rob gets going , as Godwin sits on top of the wall, contemplating his mortality and thinking that he really wishes there were someone he could allow to cut in front of him in line right about now. Lyn finishes the face-forward rappel fairly efficiently, so she and Karlyn get going in third place. As they run to the car, Lyn says, "What happened to Cho?" Disbelievingly, Karlyn says, "No! Why are we worried about Chos?" Karlyn explains in a voice-over that they still have an alliance with the Chos as far as sharing information, but it's not really about waiting around at this point. "We're all just going to run for it at this point." Hmph. That's what she thinks.
Rob continues to rappel. Godwin crosses himself. Come on, Godwin. Now you're just freaking yourself out. Finally, he eases himself onto the side of the tower. Rob is all done, so the Pointies run for their car. Rob interviews that he "couldn't believe it" that this wasn't a pit stop. Kimberly is just hoping out loud that they'll be "equalized." In the car, Rob says they're going to "Russia." She's not so sure, but he acts like this is perfectly obvious, which it is if you follow the "Russia" = "Former Soviet Union" paradigm that predominates in many people who slept through college. Kimberly admits to being "geographically challenged." Back at the tower, Erwin encourages Godwin to "feel [his] way down." Finally, he gets to the bottom, and he and Erwin share a fairly desperate hug. I seriously think Godwin thought about what music they would play at his funeral throughout that entire thing. Godwin sounds like he's half-crying as they collect their $65 for the rest of the leg. Godwin wonders where the *lyns went, and Erwin says they left.
At the airport, James and Tyler are frustrated to find that things are closed or closing, and we learn that it's already 9:17 PM, which they acknowledge not noticing, presumably because of the abundant light. Playtime outside is very long in Finland. They find their way to a desk, where Tyler asks for "a flight to Chernobyl." No, dear. You are not flying directly to the site of the nuclear accident. The nice ticket lady doesn't get it, logically enough, and James reminds Tyler that the clue says to find the "capital city." "To Kiev," the lady tells them plainly, and yes, she pronounces it to rhyme with "grieve" -- one syllable. They tell her they need a flight there, but she says that there aren't any flights today. The first flight will leave tomorrow morning at 8:25 AM. The boys, Tyler in particular, are not happy at all about this development, since it basically means that everybody's going to catch up. It's the nightmare of the To Be Continued leg. Speaking of catching up, here are the BQs, making their way into the airport. Inside, James is encouraging Tyler to chill out as Tyler complains about how everything they did in the leg was for nothing. I'm glad he caught on, at least. The BQs come inside, and when they talk to James and Tyler, the A(AM!)s break the news about there being no flights until tomorrow. The BQs find a nice lady who tells them the same thing -- leave tomorrow morning at 8:25 AM, connect through Vienna. That's the fastest, and it will get them to Kiev at 1:35 PM. These two teams buy their tickets, then walk off together. Love! And hate!
Lyn and Karlyn are stopped to get directions to the airport, so the Pointies manage to wiggle ahead and get there before they do. But when the Pointies arrive, they find that the ticket lady has shut down operations for the night. She's still there, but she can't sell anything. They are able to learn from her that there are no more flights going out tonight anyway. Rob rubs his head, unable to remember whether Chernobyl is "in Moscow or in the Ukraine." He's surprisingly close, in a way. At least he's in the ballpark, and I have confidence that if he keeps rubbing, his head will give up the information. He asks the ticket lady whether Chernobyl is in the Ukraine, and she says that it is. Kimberly jumps in: "And the capital is... " The ticket lady answers: "Kiev." I have a feeling she remembers the conspicuous Americans with cameras she has already seen. The ticket lady tells them that the best they can do is a flight leaving tomorrow morning at 9:25 AM and connecting through Warsaw. There is, of course, the 8:25 AM through Vienna, but it's now sold out. She tells them that in terms of actually purchasing tickets, they can return in the morning at 6:00 AM.
The *wins arrive, and they have a chat with the Pointies about the airline situation. The *wins mention that nobody is sure where the *lyns are, but then we see them pull up outside. They, too, get the news that it's not going to be time to buy tickets until 6:00 AM.
Cut to... early the morning, as the three trailing teams gather 'round the counter to buy their tickets. Interestingly, as they purchase the tickets, we learn that this flight, too, is also scheduled to land in Kiev at 1:35 PM. So while it leaves later, its scheduled arrival time isn't any later. The Pointies soon meet up with the A(AM!)s, and the two teams figure out that they have the same arrival time. The BQs approach the *wins, and the discovery is exactly the same -- it's 1:35 all around. "Well, you know, planes get delayed," says a BQ, hoping for the "best."
Okay, so first the flight to Vienna leaves, carrying the A(AM!)s and BQs. Then, the flight to Warsaw leaves, carrying the other teams. The thing you know, we are in Warsaw, where it turns out that connecting flight to Kiev has been delayed half an hour. Moral: Austria is friendlier than Poland.
And then we are in Kiev, and at 1:35, here comes the plane. The BQs and A(AM!)s run through the airport and out to the parking lot, where they have to search for the marked cars. When they finally find the cars, Dustin remarks that they look just like her '64 Falcon. The boys, meanwhile, are wondering what's up with the other three teams, who of course were expected at the same time. These two teams open the clue that's on the car, which is written in the Cyrillic alphabet, meaning that James's attempts at phonetic pronunciation are well beyond fruitless. Phil explains that they have to figure out that they're supposed to go to the Oster Tank School, which is a military training place 58 miles away. There, they'll find another clue. Both teams start looking for someone who can tell them where they're supposed to be going. The BQs settle on hiring a taxi to lead them there -- 58 miles away? -- and the boys follow and agree to split the cost of the guide. As this little caravan takes off, Tyler comments that he's glad they're still the first two teams, so they just have to keep going. In the BQ car, Dustin happily announces that the only thing she knows about Ukraine is the Ukrainian Bell Carol, which you may know as the Carol of the Bells. She starts to sing. Kandice happily joins in. It's all "duh," so it suits them. ["It's one more thing than I knew about that song, so good for her, I guess?" -- Sars]
Back to the airport, where, at 2:05 PM, the teams that connected through Warsaw are finally arriving. The Pointies get out ahead of the other two teams and get to their crappy car first. Rob also hires a taxi to drive ahead of him to the Tank School, just as the *wins and *lyns are emerging from the airport. In their car, Kimberly hopes that they'll catch up to the two leading teams. When they're gone, the *wins and *lyns open their clues. Erwin takes a map over to a police officer and gets directions as Lyn and Karlyn stand around as usual, waiting to be led. Karlyn waves down the *wins and asks if they know where they're going -- since she certainly doesn't -- and they agree that the *lyns will follow the *wins. You will not see the part where the *wins tie Karlyn down, demand she follow them, and refuse to take no for an answer. Once they're on their way, Karlyn points out that the *wins have a map and she and Lyn don't, so it makes sense to follow. Again: nothing about whether they were perhaps prohibited by law from buying a map or something like that. Driving to the tank school, Godwin compares looking at the street signs to "looking at an eye chart," since some of the letters he recognizes and others he doesn't. He doesn't... he doesn't recognize all the letters on the eye chart? Like, they look unfamiliar in the same way as the Cyrillic alphabet? I think that's a problem, and maybe not the one the eye chart is testing for. Suddenly, Erwin isn't sure where they're going anymore, and behind him, the *lyns are unhappy that they seem to be slowing down. The *wins ultimately pull over so that Erwin can ask for more help. "This is ridiculous," Lyn mutters unhappily. Erwin, it turns out, is trying to hire a cab they can follow, but he's having trouble finding a cabbie who knows where the tank school is. "We are wasting a lot of time," Karlyn complains.
When we return from commercials, the *wins are still looking for a cabbie to lead them and the *lyns to the tank school. Finally, they find a guy and are on their way. "We still think that we can catch Rob and Kim," Erwin says from the back seat. Well, I think I can catch a cold from going outside with my hair wet; doesn't make it true.
Meanwhile, up at the tank school, the BQs and A(AM!)s have arrived, and they hit the clue box. They open it, and it's a Roadblock. "Who's ready to take command?" it reads. Phil explains that, unsurprisingly, they've come to the tank school to drive a tank. Well, one of them has. The other one has come to the tank school to stand around. The Roadblocker has to take the tank through a 1.2-mile obstacle course, and when they're done, an officer will hand over the clue. On tap for the tank Roadblock are Dustin and James. The two climb into their tanks, and a few friendly soldiers give them instructions on how to run them. Yeesh. That seems like a tall order for an amateur. I guess if we can have 17-year-old high-school punk-asses driving Corolla-crushing Humvees, this isn't any worse. Off my lawn!
In the Pointymobile, Rob complains that he can barely control the car. Kimberly, unconcerned, says that he'll "get the hang of it." I'll be interested in seeing whether she maintains that calm attitude when he wraps the car around a tree. I've always thought "honey, I can't control the car" would be kind of an alarming announcement. Maybe Kimberly is trying so hard not to fight that she's not technically listening to anything he says.
Tank school. Aaaaand... they're off! James gets out to a slight lead over Dustin, as pretend explosions go off all around them. But then James stalls his tank (hee hee), which makes Tyler complain to Kandice back at the starting line, of course. Tyler is never happy. "I don't know what he's doing wrong," Tyler says. Meanwhile, Dustin passes James and gets in front of him. "What's James doing? Driving like a girl!" Tyler gripes, not without a heap of teasing.
The Pointymobile. Kimberly really wishes they could catch up with James and Tyler, but Rob basically tells her to be quiet, because he's more concerned about not killing the car. Another exchange completed without screaming! I feel like throwing them a treat.
Tanks. James manages to drive his tank into the side of Dustin's tank, just a little. "I crashed," he comments. When they're on their way again, they go through a mud hazard of sorts, which doesn't get Dustin dirty, because the universe never gets girls like that muddy against their will, but which splatters James with mud. When Tyler and Kandice see a tank approaching the finish, they don't know who it is at first, but of course, it turns out to be Dustin. "That's right, my little stick-shift driver!" Kandice shouts. Wow, that might be the wimpiest booyah I've ever heard. James arrives soon after, complaining good-naturedly about how dirty and soaked he is. Both drivers collect clues, and when James runs over to Tyler, Tyler says, "You're so dirty, dude!" He sure knows how to feed the weird fantasies about himself. James laughs. He actually has to point out to Dustin that he hit her tank, because she apparently didn't notice. Why am I not all that surprised? "I charged it!" James says. Tyler looks at him and teases, "You still got beat, though." Heh. At any rate, both teams open a clue directing them to drive back into Kiev, which Phil says is 43 miles. They have to find their way to an apartment building, and when they find Apartment 33, a woman will give them their clue. These teams take off, and in their car, Tyler tells James that he was giving him grief for getting beaten by Dustin. Kandice assures Dustin, meanwhile, that Tyler was embarrassed for James's getting "beat by a girl." Normally, that would be annoying, but between these two teams, I think it's pretty clear that the boys don't underestimate these women on account of their being women, so I'm not sure there's much to it. Except that James got beat by a girl. A giiiirl!
As James and Tyler are leaving, they run into the Pointies. Naturally, Rob and Kim pull over for a chat, and Tyler and James point them in the direction of the clue box. Dustin and Kandice see this happening, and one of them notes that it's happening because the two teams are friends. "We don't have any friends," Dustin says proudly. Because of course, only weak people have friends. Friends are for wimps! Rob isn't happy about being behind "the damn blondes," but Kim would rather focus on the fact that they "caught up to them," which they didn't, exactly, but they at least saw them, I suppose. It might feel like catching up. Up ahead in the A(AM!) car, James comments that if he'd been asked for directions by the *lyns or the *wins, he'd have told them to go the wrong way. Tyler mentions, not unfairly, that the "so-called genius Cho brothers" haven't gotten to the tank school yet. This proves, Tyler believes, that there is a difference between book smarts and street smarts -- basically, between knowing how to attend school and knowing how to read a map. I can't disagree, really.
Speaking of this, the *wins and *lyns are pulling over again so that Erwin can get directions. "Hurry up!" Lyn barks out the window at him. Karlyn complains about how the *wins are "indecisive," constantly stopping to ask people whether they're going the right way. "We just deal with it," she says. Pretty magnanimous of her, considering how nice she's being already just by following them.
At the Roadblock, Rob and Kimberly read the clue, and she takes it. Unlike the BQs and A(AM!)s, they choose to keep their taxi driver waiting for them while they complete the task. They must be pretty confident about how much money they have. Rob tells us that he's pretty bummed out that he's not driving the task, but he knows they have to pick Roadblocks intelligently, and he knows that Kimberly can do this. "I'd like to be in the tank with her, doin' it," he says. And how! He also thinks Kimberly will "get a little aggression out" with the tank. Heh. I must say, if I could drive a tank periodically, it might make me more agreeable, too.
The *lyns spot the arrow leading to the Roadblock, so for about 15 seconds, the *wins actually follow them for the first time in the episode. Up ahead, Kim finishes the Roadblock. In an interview where they're seen together, Rob says that he thinks Kimberly is finding out that she is "a superhuman creature from outer space," and she laughs. That was really cute, and he got away with it this time, probably because he didn't call her a fat superhuman creature from outer space. They pull the clue sending them back to Kiev. They hook back up with their driver and get him to agree to lead them back into the city.
The *wins and *lyns reach the Roadblock clue box. Lyn and Godwin take the Roadblock for their teams, and they both don their silly little tank-driving helmets, which make everyone look like they're part of a pitched battle against Snoopy. They're off! Through the mud! Through the explosions that aren't really dangerous! Oh, the pretend peril.
So it turns out that the BQs and A(AM!)s have had a little trouble getting back to Kiev, so they've waylaid a guy who's going to allow them to follow him into the city. They take off with their guide, trying to keep him in sight as he weaves in and out of Ukrainian traffic.
At tank school, Godwin gets the most wet of anyone when he crashes through the water hazard. It kind of figures he'd take the brunt. He probably would have volunteered for it. Lyn gets a little hung up just as she's about to do that part, and we watch as she jumps a little at one of the prop explosions. Hee. Godwin finally seems to be enjoying himself just as he finishes the task and parks his tank. They read the clue that tells them to return to Kiev, but -- this is not a joke -- they decide to wait for the *lyns. They know the *lyns are the last team, they've just given themselves a shot at a lead, but they decide to sit there and wait. ["You know, the show is titled accurately, because I am in fact genuinely amazed by this." -- Sars] Erwin interviews that while "some people" might find waiting to be "a risk" (or "stupid," which he does not say), they figure that they can all work together and not get lost. I guess that's a reflection on what a great help the *lyns have been up to this point in keeping the *wins from getting lost. Lyn finishes up and stops her tank, and she and Karlyn open the clue. As they get in their car, Karlyn comments that she doesn't understand why the *wins waited, and adds that she "wouldn't expect them to." Once they're on the way, Karlyn can't help asking why Lyn didn't get wet like Godwin did. Lyn theorizes that it's because she was "scooted up to the front, lookin' like a blue-haired lady on a Sunday drive." Karlyn laughs. There's a happy face you don't see very often.
So up ahead, the BQs are talking about the possibility of ditching the A(AM!)s, and the A(AM!)s are talking about the possibility of being ditched, figuring that if the BQs got the chance, they'd cut them loose. The BQs do indeed try to lose the guys by driving through a semi-red light, but they're out of luck when the guys cruise right through the entirely red light. "Those little lawbreakers," Dustin comments. Come on, now! Give in to your feelings, Dustin! When has dating a law-breaking hot addict not been a good idea?
Things are not going so well for the Pointies, who watch in horror as a red light appears on their dashboard. Indeed, their car, she is kaput. Behind them, Godwin notes that "anything can happen" and says they'll "pray for a miracle." The Pointies, of course, are accompanied by the driver they've been following, who gets out and pops the hood for them. I don't think the giant wall of steam/smoke that emerges is a good sign, as the car is doing everything short of moaning in actual pain. In Ukrainian. As if you haven't gotten the possible importance of this development yet, we see Lyn say in her car that "it's not over until the fat lady sings, and I haven't seen a fat lady yet." "We're done," Rob complains -- again -- as he stands to his dead car. This, quite obviously, takes us to the commercials.
When we come back from commercials, Kimberly is unhappily noting that while they sit here waiting for a new car to arrive, the other teams are going to be catching up. It is a hard thing not to notice while you're standing by the side of the road, just waiting for the hilariously inept car to come down the same road.
In the *lyns' car, Lyn is mildly complaining that the *wins aren't driving quite as fast as she'd like. I think it's Karlyn who throws in, "Oh my God, that's so annoying!" I wish there were a solution to this that were within their control. If only they, too, had access to maps and directions, they could take things into their own hands. Meanwhile, in the *wins' car, the guys are wondering whether there might be a faster road than the one they're on, so they pull into a gas station. Karlyn complains to Lyn about how they're stopping "every five seconds" to confirm that they're going the right way. When they've stopped at the gas station, Erwin goes inside to ask, while Lyn approaches someone in a car to ask the same thing. Finally! Take control! Stop complaining! Drive your own destiny! And your own clown car! Yeesh.
At the sad scene of the Pointies' breakdown, Rob is asking the driver they've been following to please wait while their replacement car is sent for. Phil, for the second time this season related specifically to this team, explains about bad cars and free replacement cars and the lack of a time credit. Rob and Kim indeed get their new car -- or their new old car -- and they finally get on their way, not having been passed by the *wins and *lyns.
Speaking of the trailing teams, once Lyn and Erwin have both gotten their directions, they get back in the car, but not before Lyn tells Erwin to ask Godwin why he's driving so slow. Erwin does ask, and Godwin answers, "I don't know." I don't know about you guys, but I'll bet it's something having to do with integrity.
We briefly check on the Pointies, who aren't particularly loving their new car, either. Rob notes that the clutch isn't very cooperative, but Kimberly soothingly says that the car is working, so they need to "just go." She handled that pretty well, actually, but he still smacks the steering wheel in frustration. You can't have everything. I kind of envision the car with a cartoon face, though. Crying. It's doing its best!
The BQs and A(AM!)s are still following their guide as they head into Kiev. The guy finally pulls up and stops, indicating that they're at the building they need, and indeed, they see the number "3" on the building. Now that they're at the address "3," they need Apartment 33, so both teams hop out of their cars. They run into the complex and up a set of stairs, and before long, the BQs are at the door, with the boys just behind. They knock, and an older lady opens the door. She hands them their clue. As they're about to leave, Dustin is for some reason overwhelmed to the point where she goes back and hugs this poor lady who just wanted to hand out the clues. Now, she will have to wipe off the hair spray. When both teams have their clues, they head back down the stairs and open them. The clue instructs them to choose between Make The Music and Find The Music. In Make The Music, you travel three miles to a hip-hop club (oh, no) and join the "underground rap movement" (oh, NO) by composing and performing your own rap in which you have to name all the countries you've visited. Good Lord. I have to say, with all the times I've watched this show, I've never thought to myself, "Damn, I wish it had more rapping." The city's "top rap artist" will judge and approve your rap (no idea what standards would be applied to that), and then you'll get your clue. In Find The Music, you travel 2.5 miles to the National Music Academy, where you search through a billion pieces of sheet music (approximately) for the piano part to Tchaikovsky's Concert Fantasy for Piano and Orchestra. Then you search among 120 practice rooms for one of six pianists, who will then play the music while you stand there, all, "Doesn't it say accelerando?" When it's over, you're done and you can leave.
The BQs decide to rap. Wow. The guys do not want to rap, so they choose the Tchaikovsky. As both teams leave and the BQs reveal that they'll be rapping, Tyler is like, "Oh my God," and... me too. The guys stop and immediately ask someone how to get to the Academy, while the BQs randomly drive away, so determined are they to get away from Tyler and James that they don't even care where they're going. The boys seem to have some directions, so they're in their car and on the way as well.
And now, *lyns and *wins. The *wins are still leading, and the *lyns are still following, but it kind of looks like nobody is happy. And the *lyns are about to be even more unhappy, because Erwin is mentioning that they'll need more "local help" to find the address once they get into the city. So once again, the *wins are pulling into a gas station, and once again, the *lyns are complaining. I'm not sure, of course, how they expected to find the local address once they got to the city. In an interview, Karlyn complains again that it "didn't make any sense" to be stopping "every five minutes" for directions. But the teams do in fact get directions, and they do get going again. I think that was actually one of the more sensible instances of stopping to ask directions, all things considered.
The BQs decide that the best way to find the club they're looking for is to find some "young people that look like rappers." So, of course, they stop a young white woman who looks like she works at an advertising agency. She does, however, know the location of the club, or so it appears. Tyler and James are busy talking about how they really want first place, and they really don't want the BQs to get three first-place finishes in a row.
But those BQs are pretty good, and they find themselves at the Dance and Groove, which is the club they're looking for. Tyler and James have found the Academy as well. Inside, the girls find that they have to wear what are apparently supposed to be rap clothes, with the baseball cap and the big pants and the bling. And believe me, I use the word "bling" very reluctantly. "I wish I knew how to pretend I was a rapper!" Kandice says. "Like, stick your hands in your pants," Dustin advises her. Like, stick it in your ear, blondie. ["Psst, D: that was Jim Morrison." -- Sars]
Music Academy. The boys arrive and are directed to the second floor, but first, they have to change clothes as well. It turns out that, rather delightfully, they are getting into tails. Oh, yum. Man, I'm sure they didn't do that for me, but if they did, I'm certainly grateful. Dustin and Kandice have gotten into their faux-rap outfits, and now they have to sit around and actually compose their rap. "We're in a race around the world and we're here to say / we started in the U.S.A." Oh my God. I cannot improve upon the following observation by EEFP spacecitymarc: "The last time anyone actually began a rap with 'I'm [whoever I am] and I'm here to say,' Chernobyl was fully operational." What's worse is that they're incredibly proud of this. They're like, "That's just what rap sounds like!"
Meanwhile, a Ukrainian employee of the Music Academy has the best experience of her life helping the A(AM!)s get into their tails. They begin looking for the music. Seeing the music labeled "Hungarian Dance No. 5" reminded me of one of my favorite stories of my own easily amused nature: I went to see a concert that my mother's choir was singing in, and they had a piece on the program called something like "Five Hungarian Songs." And I was fine until I noticed in the program that it said, "(Original Title: Six Hungarian Songs.)" This made me laugh so hard my father almost moved away from me. All I could think about was who decided to cut one of the Hungarian Songs, and what made it so bad. And what would have happened if they had not made that note in the program, like somebody listening to it and thinking, "This sounds a lot like a piece I know, but that's called 'Six Hungarian Songs,' so apparently, this is different." Anyway.
It's time for the Pointies to get the Detour clue at Apartment 33, and they're very grateful. Rob goes for the double-grasp handshake, rather than the hug. They decide to Make The Music. Looking for the club, Kim is like, "Babe, I want to ask these people, because they look hip!" Hee hee. They approach a nice-looking young couple and ask them about the club. They do know where it is, and they recommend driving rather than walking. In fact, they're so nice that they come along with Rob and Kim, who appear to also keep their taxi driver who's been with them since early in the leg.
The *wins and *lyns are still looking for the apartment building, and Erwin hops out of the car yet again to ask for directions. Karlyn is, you can tell, reaching the end of her rope. Finally, Lyn says, "So why not you navigate?" Ungrammatical, but... exactly. Karlyn claims that she hasn't wanted to be following the *wins the entire time. In an interview, Karlyn says that while she loves the *wins, Erwin has no confidence and is constantly stopping to check himself, which drives her nuts. As the guys continue trying to get directions, the *lyns finally make their break and drive off. The *wins are surprised that the *lyns drove off without waiting for them. Jeez, it's not a race, ladies. Erwin says that they're "disappointed" in the *lyns, because they've been working together for such a long time. Lyn tells us that she really doesn't mind being on their own rather than following. You'd think it might have occurred to her, then, to do this a little sooner. "Our alliance with Team Alabama's over," says Erwin in a voice-over, which is laid over a shot of Erwin in the car, which is a little strange.
When we come back from commercials, the *wins find the *lyns up ahead and start following them. Burn!
Music Academy. Tyler and James are nattily sorting through music, looking for Concert Fantasy. James manages to come up with the music, and they're off to the practice rooms to find a pianist. The first room they stick their heads in contains a violinist. I love how this is kind of a Classical Music Parade of Horrors, like they open the door, and it's "NO! Not the violin!" And elsewhere, here's Kandice, not only composing the bad rap, but also putting dance moves to it: "And finally Ukraine / where we're doing our rap / give us a hand if you think we got knack." Oh, man. Nothing says "hip" like the use of the word "knack," not to mention referencing your rap in your rap, by calling it your rap. Furthermore, if you're going to rap this badly, it's not that hard to find a word that actually rhymes with "rap." Tyler and James find another damn violin. Finally, they open a door and find a pianist behind it. Dustin and Kandice stroll into the club proper, all, "Just be real comic!" Eep. They do a couple of lines of rap, and then we switch back to the piano. This is a nice sequence, cutting back and forth between the club and the classical music. James and Tyler kind of get into the spirit of the piano music, swaying and conducting and pantomiming playing the piano. The bad rap continues. When the piano bit is over, the boys applaud heartily. Finally, the rap ends, and the kind-hearted audience cheers for the lame Americans, as people around the world do every day. Both teams receive their clues. The clue instructs them to drive to the pit stop, located at the Patriotic War Memorial. Phil says that this is a two-mile drive to this "tribute to victory in World War II." Last team may receive the ultimate tribute to non-victory in the form of elimination. Both the A(AM!)s and the BQs get on their way to the pit stop.
The Pointies are on their way to the hip-hop club, and Kimberly is apparently in charge of writing the rap in the back seat. Elsewhere, the *wins are right behind the *lyns, and Godwin doesn't think the *lyns are pleased to be followed. It is suggested that Karlyn says, "The Cho brothers need to learn to run their own race," but as was explained in the forums, it certainly sounds like the last part of that was stolen from a comment about the BQs, so I'm not sure that was even said. If it was, it's obviously rather ridiculous, but if it wasn't, we're pretty much stuck with the ridiculousness already demonstrated, consisting of complaining all day that people you're following aren't going fast enough.
Tyler and James ask for directions to the pit stop. The BQs do the same, only they ultimately wind up paying a cab driver again so that they don't have to find it themselves. It's perfectly legitimate to do that, but I must say that the following of cab drivers kind of bores me as a viewer.
The Pointies arrive at the club, with the help of the "hip" people they picked up previously. They run inside.
The *lyns and *wins arrive at the apartment building at essentially the same time. Everybody hunts for Apartment 33, and before long, they all find the right staircase and head up. They receive their Detour clues, and they both decide to choose the rap.
Pointy rap. Kimberly's rap is mildly superior, I would say, to the BQs', though it's hard to put much distance between them.
The *lyns get someone to lead them in the direction of the club, and the *wins discuss whether to follow them. Ultimately, they decide to get their own directions. The suggestion is that Godwin just doesn't feel like following, to which Erwin says, "You've got too much pride, G." It's interesting that whatever this aversion is, it didn't stop them from leading the *lyns around all day.
Rob's one line of rap indicates that he has significantly less rhythm than anyone else who has ever been born, but he's doing his best. Ukraine's top rap artist judges their work adequate, though he kind of looks like he wishes he had another choice, and he hands over the pit stop clue. Rob and Kim read the clue and dash out of the club, changed back into their street clothes. (As opposed to their "street" clothes.) The "hip" people waited for them, so Kimberly asks about getting to the memorial. The driver is apparently gone now, so the "hip" people ride along in the car with the Pointies.
Tyler and James spot the memorial. The BQs spot the memorial. We watch both teams get out of their cars, though it isn't actually possible to tell whether they're anywhere near each other. Phil and the greeter wait on the mat. Suspenseful! And stepping on the mat, it's... James and Tyler. "Welcome to Kiev!" says the greeter, and it seems to make the boys smile, like they've been waiting for a long time to be welcomed somewhere. They shake the greeter's hand and say, "Beautiful country." Phil says, "Tyler and James," and adorably, Tyler reaches over and pinches James's arm anxiously. That is really cute. "Yeah, you're team number one," Phil says. They celebrate. And they win a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Hot! They will also get to swim with dolphins, which is not in the slightest gay at all. The boys offer Phil low-fives. Tyler says that nothing feels as good as being back on top. And how!
In the *lyns' car, Karlyn says that she's "quite a composer," because she just put their rap together in five minutes in the back seat. I wonder if you'll be able to tell at all. "It rhymes, so hopefully, we won't look like complete idiots," she says. Heh. Meanwhile, the *wins are hunting for directions. Again. Some more.
Welcome, BQs, you are team number two. Phil comments once again on how a girl-girl team has never won. "Nothing will stop us," Dustin says confidently.
Erwin is still looking for directions to the club. "We're so done," Godwin agonizes, rubbing his head. Ultimately, they give up and decide to head for the music academy, because they're getting nowhere trying to find the club. They find a taxi driver who's willing to lead them there, so they can finally get on their way. Meanwhile, the *lyns make their way into the club.
Welcome, Pointies. You are team number three. They are relieved and hug warmly. I think they're actually getting better at not yelling at each other, right at the part of the race where other people often get worse about it.
The *wins get to the music academy. They also look nice getting into their formalwear, and Erwin looks on the bright side by saying he's happy they didn't have to think up something to rhyme with "Mongolia." Hee hee. Lyn and Karlyn emerge in their rap-wear, and Lyn appears to be doing a sort of exaggerated rapper walk, which is pretty funny, and which reflects one of a very small number of times that this team has been seen having a good time. They get out on the floor to do their rap. The *wins hunt for the Concert Fantasy music. They find it, and they go in search of a pianist. Karlyn's rapping is really quite bad, as it turns out. The *wins can't find the piano, which is not really a surprise, given the way the day has gone. "We had to travel far and foreign talk" is the not-very-good line in the rap. Finally, the *wins open a practice-room door and find a piano. They stand there listening to the music with their arms around each other in a tense suggestion of resignation. Lyn really throws herself into saying "Madagascar." Their rap is pronounced "awesome," and they receive their clue. It was not awesome, but it was energetic, I will give them that. Piano music over! Time for the clue! Both teams read the clue directing them to the pit stop. Karlyn is just "praying that we're not last," while the *wins are getting their car and their leading taxi. They apparently don't get the taxi, though, because they seem to be navigating for themselves. "Hopefully, the Cho brothers are lost," Karlyn says, and then she immediately claims to feel bad.
At this point, the *wins apparently take a turn they should not take, and they wind up stopped by the police on a street that's supposed to be closed to traffic, or something. Godwin apologizes profusely, but he's directed to turn off the car and get out. That's not good news. The *lyns continue toward the pit stop. Godwin continues trying to talk his way out of trouble. What he gets instead is, "Show all documents." Oh, dear.
So now, here are the *lyns, stepping on the mat. Welcome, Lyn and Karlyn, you are team number four. Unlike when they finished ahead of Dave and Mary, Lyn and Karlyn appear to feel no sadness at all regarding what's about to happen to the *wins. In fact, they hug Phil.
As it's starting to get dark, the *wins are finally dismissed by the police. When they get to the pit stop, they're told that they're the last team to arrive, and that they're eliminated. "No regrets," they agree, and they hug. Phil asks them about the decision to "run the race a little differently." "It was a personal thing as well as a race thing," Erwin says. He talks about their great friendships with Dave and Mary and the *lyns. "We're glad we did everything we could to keep them in the race as long as possible." Up to here, they're goofy, but still okay. But then Godwin starts in, sniffly as all hell. "We wanted to run the race the way we were raised," he says. Oh, fuck all. Like you were raised better than everyone else because when you play a game, you assume that winning is an affront to others? I don't care for this at all. If you want to play like this, then do it -- I think it's dumb, but it's clearly your decision. But then I don't want to hear about how it makes you more moral than everyone else. That is all kinds of irritating. Godwin continues to sniffle about doing the race the way they thought was "right." I wonder if they play tiddlywinks the same way. "Our goal," Erwin says, "was to play the game in a way that we felt that we could wake up the morning and feel good about." Because God knows that in a competition everyone has agreed to participate in, playing to win is something you shouldn't feel good about. I'm sure they're nice guys, but I was ready for them to go home. A lot.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Yield. BQs, potentially behind the *lyns. Oooh, rumble!