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It's time to go to Finland, where the teams try out a Detour involving the deep, deep mud and a Roadblock involving a deep, deep hole. For most of the leg, the BQs and A(AM!)s are jockeying for first place, while the Pointies are wildly erratic and the *lyns and *wins are dragging as usual. The BQs put their feet in their mouths a few more times, Tyler talks about his loving place, and the *lyns decide that while cutting in line in front of other racers is punishable by death, cutting in line in front of unwilling regular people to the point where you physically block them from getting the cab they've waited for is perfectly okay. Interesting set of expectations they're working, there. It will come as no surprise to anyone with experience with the show that in the end, there is no end -- this is a To Be Continued situation, so there is neither elimination nor non-elimination. Very exciting, if you like mud and anticlimaxes. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on I Left My Heart In Madagascar: Everybody bugged out of Mauritius and hopped over to Madagascar, which turned out to be the world capital of the underfueled-taxi industry. The "Intersection" twist was the latest Cousin Oliver to come along and try to "improve" on the concept of creatures competing to get somewhere quickly, which is basically lame, having only been around since dinosaurs started chasing each other, and which therefore clearly needs a lot of "help." The FF taught us all a little bit about counting our hairy, tooth-studded cow lips before they're eaten, and the A(AM!)s and Pointies were aced out of first place. The first-place winning BQs got there partly through very efficient work with the *wins, whom they immediately ditched; the *lyns and Dave and Mary worked about as well together as they did apart, which is to say: scrambling for last place. Still dragging around their non-elimination penalty from last week like a ball and chain, Dave and Mary had to wait out a half-hour on the mat, which was enough for the *lyns to finish ahead of them and send them home. If you watch The View, you know that upon their return, they were showered with everything short of a pet elephant with a diamond-encrusted collar, so you don't have to feel too terribly bad for them.
Credits. You know, I really hope the Ben-Hur part is soon, because we haven't seen it yet, and if they're only kidding about chariots, then I, for one, will be very irked. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I can't tell if it makes me an old lady or not, but every animated movie looks like it would annoy the crap out of me. Hey, we can ban DDT and trans fats; what can we do about Robin Williams and animated voices?
Drums! Hilltop castles! A flag! A monkey! A statue with a very long neck! We are in Madagascar, which Phil says is the fourth-largest island in the world. It is smaller than Greenland, New Guinea, and Borneo, for those of you who don't feel like opening up Wikipedia for yourselves, and it is just larger than... oh, my God, I momentarily wanted to say Bruce Vilanch, which means I am becoming Bruce Vilanch. God, it's like someone walked over my sense of humor's grave. Anyway, here is the pretty cathedral that served as the final pit stop for Dave and Mary. I do not like Phil's shirt. Phil's shirt gets a C-minus, and I am grading on a curve. You are the last shirt to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you, you've been eliminated from Phil's closet. Phil wonders aloud whether the remaining members of the former alliance will get together without Dave and Mary and "jump ahead of the other teams." Ha ha ha! Yeah, probably. It's like we're so close to that happening. Any minute, Phil.
2:56 AM. Dustin and Kandice. They flash their teeth at the camera before opening their clue, which is how you know they are eagerly waiting to devour you in your sleep. The clue tells them that it is time to fly to Helsinki, Finland. That is a very serious south-to-north change of scenery. Phil agrees with me, pointing out that it's 6000 miles to Helsinki, so that's going to be a haul on the plane. I hope they have noise-canceling headphones. When teams get there, they have to find a coffee house called Kappeli, and when they arrive at the café, they'll sign on to their AOL account (barf) and receive a special surprise. I wonder if the task will be trying to convince the customer service person to cancel your account. We'd wind up with people still there, eight hours later, going, "What? What do you mean my computer will blow up if I cancel? I don't understand." Phil goes on to explain that because you never know whether you're going to be able to get a handy flight out of Madagascar, the teams have safety backup tickets to Paris later, but they don't have to use those if they can find something better. I like how they show a shot of the Eiffel Tower during this explanation, in case you forgot what Paris is. I think you are seeing here what happens when the show isn't confident that last-minute flights will be available at all -- they hedge, just in case, because they don't want people stranded in Madagascar for three days, and they don't want there to be space for one team, and then no space for another one for 48 hours. Everybody up and out! We've got things to do!
In an interview, Dustin says that people assume that things come easily to her and Kandice, but she insists that they work just as hard as anyone else. Hey, it's hard being born gorgeous and athletic! Do you know what the insurance is on a Ferrari? My wallet's too small for my fifties! My diamond shoes are too tight! They tell us that the tickets to Paris don't leave until 9:40 tonight, so they'll obviously be trying pretty hard to find something better. "I've never been to Finland," one of them observes, and then Dustin says, "Don't they wear wooden shoes?" See? Don't underestimate her because she's pretty. She got where she's going because she knows all kinds of shit.
3:08 AM. James and Tyler. Tyler says that he thinks James appreciates what a good friend he is. He says that when he picks on James about his inadequacies, James knows that it's from "a loving place." Sometimes, it's so dirty that it's all I can do to remain the classy, above-the-fray recapper that you've come to know. Not that I'm opposed to hearing more about anyone's loving place. Bring it on, Tyler.
3:14 AM. Rob tells us that every night, he and Kimberly go over plans, thinking about how they can get ahead in the leg. Hey, it worked for Millie! Maybe they can wind up dead on their feet, driving comatose through the jungle until they arrive, dirty and disoriented, Philiminated but as much in love as ever. Rob also says that they have a bond with the A(AM!)s that they're hoping to continue. And it comes from a loving place. He makes clear that the BQs, on the other hand, are not part of the team. See how hard it is for them? Rob, too, is most unimpressed with the flight not leaving until 9:40 at night. Among other things, I have to think boredom is setting in now, and finding new ways to pass 18 hours in the airport would not be on my list of top recreational activities, either. That's a hell of a lot of Sudoku.
3:24 AM. The *wins. They get $265 for the leg, which means there must be upcoming trains or boats or something, because that's a lot of scratch. They don't throw that kind of cash at you for being good-looking. The *wins say they want to run the leg "in memory of" Dave and Mary," who apparently died on the mat at the end of the last leg. The *wins actually acknowledge this oddity in their own remark with a chuckle, which I appreciate. The least you can do if you're in the middle of taking something insanely too seriously is admit it. And laugh. I think I just folded the universe.
The BQs are at the Air Madagascar counter. They pick up their tickets, which Kandice confidently announces are taking them to "Helinski [sic], Finland." I'm sorry, but as much as I've been known to flub words now and then, it seems to me that knowing that there is a city called "Helsinki" and not one called "Helinski" is routine cultural literacy. I mean, come on, lady. The people who like the term "scholarship competition" are counting on you not to blow the PR. The BQs ask about earlier flights, and Dustin is waving around that damn atlas again, and I really dislike that. Your partner may not be familiar with Helsinki, Dustin, but I think the lady behind the counter can probably figure out where it is. I hate the way she approaches people with this patronizingly patient attitude, like she presumptively expects everyone to be stupid. That is, contrary to what I think she believes, not polite. When you're eternally ten seconds from announcing that people who don't give you the answer you want are "not the brightest bulbs," they can usually tell. Tyler and James show up , also looking for better tickets. Tyler interviews that they and the BQs are sort of using each other, and it's not clear "who's going to stab who first." Wow, stabbing. That will up the ante considerably. That would be quite a non-elimination penalty, come to think of it. The Pointies arrive at the airport . The teams spot a flight leaving for Johannesburg, and they're interested in getting on it, because it seems like flights don't leave this airport all that often at all. The flight to Johannesburg is leaving at 5:00 AM, and they all want to know whether there's a faster way if they get out now. As the *wins pull up outside and run in, the other teams learn that by connecting through Frankfurt, they can indeed get to Finland quicker, arriving there at 10:20 AM. So, these three teams already at the counter all want on the flight. They note that in all likelihood, the *lyns will not be making this flight.
3:55 AM. Indeed, Lyn and Karlyn, only an hour or so ahead of the departure time for the flight to Johannesburg, leave the pit stop. Karlyn points out that she's wearing Dave's hat, so Mary and Dave are there "in spirit." Again: apparently dead. Last week's ending was much more moving than I had realized, it seems. Karlyn insists that there is still an alliance between them and the *wins, even after the departure of Dave and Mary.
At the airport, the lead teams are being ticketed for Johannesburg. The *wins have just nailed down their tickets when the *lyns walk into the airport, so the guys call them over and explain about the route via Johannesburg and Frankfurt. They caution that it's probably too late to get on, but Godwin directs them to the right counter anyway. Sure enough, at the counter, they get the bad news that "check-in is closed." The other teams board the flight, and there is consensus that the *lyns will not make it. Back at the counter, the lady says, "The flight is... ," and she sends her arm up in the international symbol for "taking off right this minute." She calls over another guy, though, who immediately says that it's just too late to get on the flight. As you have probably learned, people never get on flights at the last minute until they have first been denied three times, very much like Jesus. But unlike Peter, the airport agents have their usual last-minute change of heart, and suddenly, the guy is telling Lyn and Karlyn to "give her your names." Fortunately, Karlyn did not choose to negotiate this one using the "I hope you can live with yourself" strategy that worked so well for her last time she had to deal with a ticket agent. Instead, she talks to the camera about how "appreciative" she and Lyn are of the cooperation. Somewhere, Ticket Joe is like, "Oh my God, now you're appreciative?"
As they walk out to the plane, Lyn comments that they only arrived ten minutes before takeoff, so they're pretty pleased that they were able to get on. I would think so. You're not doing that at Dulles, dude. Predictably, as they board the flight, there are some pretty surprised people looking up at them. Godwin manages to look pleased, because he is part of The Amazing Non-Competitive Race, but nobody else does. Erwin takes a shot at grabbing the Magic Hat Of Dave away from Karlyn, but Karlyn giggles and clutches it closer to her. The AYL explains that the teams are flying to Johannesburg, then Addis Ababa, then Frankfurt, and then Helsinki. That is a long day of flying, y'all.
Helsinki! (Also known as "Helinski.") The BQs are the first to run out of the airport. The rest of the teams follow, and everybody is hopping into cabs looking for the Kappeli café. For whatever reason, Rob and Kimberly emerge from the airport in last place. In the cab, Rob is doing the meaningless "Fast, fast!" chant to the driver, and Kimberly mutters that he should "stop repeating it." "I'll do it if I want to," he mumbles back. "For the sake of our team, please," she says, but he comes back with, "For the sake of our team, stop telling me what to do." On the one hand, that's kind of an obnoxious argument, but on the other hand, neither of them lost their temper, so that's an improvement. With a lot of bickering couples, you'd have seen that same thing, only they'd both have been screaming the entire time.
The *wins pass the *lyns. Karlyn says, quite reasonably, that while she and Lyn still have an alliance with the *wins, there isn't as much waiting and following as before. It's a little more mutually opportunistic and a little more transitory, if you know what I mean. Basically, it's no longer insane, is the thing. Lyn goes on to gripe that she thinks the BQs "use their whole image to get ahead." She complains that they leave the airport "with their boobs hanging out, arms hanging out," and the show accompanies this with a slow-mo, black and white clip of the BQs wearing their incredibly scandalous... tank tops. Well, Kandice is wearing a tank top. Dustin is fully covered up. That is not a very good argument, Lyn, particularly when followed by that clip. Karlyn follows up by saying she's "upset that you have a disadvantage because of your looks." I hope she kind of paused and said, "Not you you."
I have such mixed feelings about this whole debate, because... I don't think that the BQs are particularly exploiting their pretty advantage, at least not with scandalous clothing or anything. They could certainly be exploiting it a hell of a lot more than they are, as various teams in the past have tried to do with all the "we will use our looks to make men give us money and directions!" nonsense. On the other hand, I do think that it's a form of privilege (I'm not comparing it to others in terms of seriousness; just existence), and it's disingenuous and a little unfair for the BQs to deny that they have it, as they often seem to. There are all kinds of studies that attractive people have advantages over everyone else in how they are treated in a variety of everyday situations, and that is certainly not Dustin and Kandice's fault, but just as everyone has built-in advantages and disadvantages, it is an advantage, and if you go around pretending it doesn't exist, then you're just going to look silly and kind of ungracious. You have a right to be pretty; other people have a right to point out that being pretty is an advantage. So is, in many countries, being male. Or white. It's a thing, and it's there, and it doesn't say anything about you, but insisting that it doesn't exist or that pointing it out is an indictment of you isn't going to fly. It's wrong to hate on them for it, but it's also wrong for them to be like, "How DARE you!"
Up ahead, the A(AM!)s pass the BQs. Tyler says that the BQs are "number one on [their] list of who needs to go." For her part, Kandice thinks it's the boys who should go. Nyah! These two teams arrive at the Kappeli café at approximately the same time, and they run inside. Inside, they fire up AOL (wooooo!), and then both teams sign on. And then that guy who's been saying "You've Got Mail" for years says "You've Got Mail." I swear, you'd have to be a voice-mail operator to have your voice heard one-tenth as much as that guy. The first thing James and Tyler see on the screen is Tyler's mom in a little video. They smile and laugh as Mom greets them. Tyler tells us that he and his mom get along much better now that he's no longer on drugs. I can see how that might happen. James's two sisters listlessly address the camera. They do not seem happy to be there. He does not mention whether they are glad he's no longer on drugs. Meanwhile, at the BQ table, there's Kandice's mom! Dustin's entire family sends her good thoughts. She appears to be the only "blonde." Huh, go figure.
The *wins arrive at the café . As they sit down, we see that the lead teams' family members are informing them that they'll get their clue from the owner of the café. A heavily cut up quote says, "America Online, thank -- you -- very -- much." Gosh. Convincing! It's just like it came out of a mouth that way. The A(AM!)s and BQs leave simultaneously after grabbing the clue from the owner. The clue they receive tells them to travel 125 miles by taxi and train to a school called Soppeenharjun Koulu (also known as "Soupy" for the purposes of this recap, because I've already been through one round of weird wrist tendon issues this fall, and I'm not going there again). There, they'll follow a marked path and search the grounds for a clue. Because they have to start with a train, they run out and start asking for the train station. The BQs get directions, and the A(AM!)s follow.
Erwin's girlfriend hopes he's having fun. Godwin only gets his mom and sister. No nookie for Godwin, apparently, which is mildly surprising, because I would think of him as the more conventionally good-looking. They grab their clue from the owner. The *lyns are on the way into the café as the *wins leave and decide to just head for the main street rather than getting specific directions. Meanwhile, the *lyns sign on to the computer. The Pointies are close behind.
You will not be surprised to learn that this is the opportunity for us to see the *lyns' adorable children, who are legitimately adorable, talk about how much they miss their moms. The kids aren't even identified as to who is whose, except that they're all "Lyn and Karlyn's Kids." I kind of wish I knew who went with who. Of course, Lyn and Karlyn fall into a million blubbering pieces. I certainly can give more of a pass for that to people with kids than to other people, but... still, you know? You didn't have to go. Still sniffling, they retrieve and open their clue. Lyn says that it was great to see her kids because she misses them, but that it made it worse, because... she misses them. Heh. Oh, it does exactly have a way of working out that way. Karlyn was just really glad to see them.
Rob's mom greets the Pointies flatly. I don't think she likes Kimberly. It's the way she says "Kimberly." As well as the fact that Kimberly doesn't crack the tiniest smile upon seeing Rob's mom. My 1.5 seconds of observation leads me to conclude that they both have this thing going, like, "Oh, it's you." For her part, Kimberly's mother holds up Kimberly's dog to the camera. Hee hee. There's something about a dog being forced to look into a camera that always makes me laugh. You can usually sense that dog is thinking that this is the most undignified thing that has ever happened to it in its entire life. Mom of Kim claims that the dog is saying "I love you." (Dog: "Put. Me. Down.") They get their clue. So they're in last place, but at least they're on their way at last. The *wins, meanwhile, learn that taking off at random caused them to dash off in the wrong direction (who knew?), so they have to turn back. As the *wins hunt for the train on foot, Rob and Kimberly are in a cab. The *lyns are on foot, too. I don't think it's a particularly long distance, but the cab gives the Pointies a jump, and they wind up being at the train station.
Speaking of the train station, the lead teams are already getting on the train as this later clump is arriving. Everybody winds up hopping on the same train. As the train makes its way across Finland, Karlyn is still sad. She says to us that she made an awful lot of sacrifices to do the race, so she's even more determined to win than she was before.
And now, Tyler moisturizes. The BQs are watching, and they're kind of wanting to give him shit, but they're kind of realizing that they're in no position, you know? Tyler speaks matter-of-factly about the joys of moisturizing: "It says, 'I like my face, and I care to keep it for a year or two,'" he says. Kandice says that she gets her nail clippers and conditioner from Tyler. Heh. "Tyler, what else do I need you for?" she asks. Kandice now interviews that they always seem to wind up riding right along to those boys. She calls it "an uneasy truce." They get along, but if she and Dustin have the chance to break away, they will. And then their nails will grow out of control. (If Tyler gets up, they'll all get up! It'll be anarchy!)
When everyone hops off the train, they all hunt for taxis with drivers who at least claim to know where Soupy is. The BQs and A(AM!)s get out in front (big surprise) and claim the only two waiting taxis, so everybody else has to hold up, which is bad news, because there is a taxi line. Rob and Kimberly start extravagantly pleading with the people in line to allow them to go first. The folks in line seem to relent, and Rob thanks them as they grab a taxi. The *wins follow and hop in line. The *lyns, however, do not want to wait. "Forget the line!" Karlyn says. "Let's jump." That would be Karlyn, incidentally, who has treated it like a federal offense when other teams got it into their heads to jump the line. And, of course, since we've been talking about privilege, it makes sense to wonder about the fact that the young white people immediately were let into cabs and the black women weren't -- except that, as far as we know, they didn't ask in the same way. They aren't shown prostrating themselves in the same way, so it's hard to judge. Still: you've got to know it's there.
Anyway, the *lyns start out asking the guy at the front of the line, but he politely directs them to the back of the line. He does it again. They ignore him. They approach the taxi simultaneously with the guy who's been standing in line for it, and although he goes so far as to put his hand on the door handle, they basically block him with their bodies and get into his taxi. That's just about the rudest thing I've seen done to a completely uninvolved local in the whole time I've been watching this show. Yeah, people yell at cab drivers, but basically forcing a guy who has nothing to do with the race and isn't in the business of providing any kind of service to shove you out of the way if he doesn't want to give up his taxi? That's bullshit, and the fact that she pulled this after being such a big baby about it when other teams even arguably jumped in line just makes it ridiculous. It's worse, not better, to hop in front of people who aren't playing, Karlyn. In the taxi, they assure us that it's okay, because it's a race. I'm sure the guy whose cab they just stole, who may have been on the way to an appointment of his own, totally cares. "It's a race" applies to people who are also in the race, lady. It doesn't apply to acting like a dick to people who have nothing to do with the competition and never signed on for it. Competition-based passes for acts that would otherwise be considered pushy are based on mutual consent, you know? Poor guy who didn't get his cab. He probably hates us all now.
Meanwhile, back in line, the *wins are busy, as they often are, being proud of themselves for being so chock-full of integrity. "Being polite sucks sometimes," Godwin snots. And... look, I understand how he feels, but you just... can't say that shit. It basically boils down to "it's not easy to be as great as I am," and it's never going to sound good.
Commercials. You know what would make Cheez-Its more awesome? If they came in a spray can.
We return to find the BQs and A(AM!)s hunting for Soupy and mispronouncing it egregiously. The BQs get there first, and they start hunting for the "marked field" discussed in their clue. The A(AM!)s are close, and we wind up with both the teams running at the same time. By the time they get to the clue box, the A(AM!)s have almost, but not quite, caught up. The two teams pull a Detour the offers the choices Swamp This and Swamp That. Not very creative, Challenge-Naming Professionals. You might as well call them "Swamp 1" and "Swamp 2." The clever names are usually awful, but somehow, when they're gone, I kind of miss them. Phil stands waist-deep in mud in a pair of plastic overalls as he explains that here, you are choosing between "two messy games," both of which are used as off-season activities for Finnish athletes. Who apparently don't have elliptical trainers or weights, because if they did, I don't know why they would be doing this. In Swamp This, you cross-country ski a mile through the mud. In Swamp That, you go through an obstacle course in which, among other things, one person has to carry the other for part of the way. Oh, and as Phil gives the explanations, a dude jumps in the mud and splashes him. No putting your dirty self on the kiwi! Heh-heh.
The BQs want the skiing, and the A(AM!)s want the obstacle course. The teams take off together for the starting lines, which are basically to each other in the same field, headed for the same clue box. This is going to be a lot of pretty people getting filthy at the same time. Score!
Meanwhile, the *wins finally get a cab. Whew! Good thing being polite didn't suck any more. They ask the driver for Soupy, and Erwin hauls out a word of Finnish to thank him. Good on you, Erwin. When your brother is talking up your awesomeness like it's a cross to bear, it's good to at least display some. Rob and Kim, however, have been driven to the wrong school, so that's not going to help them very much. This is the episode, incidentally, where they spend a lot of time not where they mean to be.
The *lyns arrive at the clue box, and when they see that the obstacle course involves one person carrying the other, they immediately conclude that this option is not for them. Heh. I feel you, ladies. Elsewhere, the Pointies get directions to Soupy from what appears to be a kid on break from youth soccer camp.
So the BQs put their skis on, and James and Tyler start through the mud. They swing on ropes. One of the BQs notes that she's skied all of one time in her entire life. They're initially happy that no one else is there, but in fact, just at this point, the *lyns are approaching to put on the very same skis. "The sistas," say the captions and someone's voice, not connected to anyone's mouth moving. I am suspicious of this. The BQs take off, if by "take off," you mean "start skiing gingerly." The *lyns gamely put on their skis, despite also not having a lot of prior ski experience.
Now, we are back to the Pointies, who are finally arriving at Soupy at the same time as the *wins.
Tyler crawls through the mud. The BQs keep skiing, as do the *lyns. James and Tyler have to climb up and over a wall, and Tyler winds up standing on top of it and then jumping off. He goes in almost waist-deep, and James follows. James, though, immediately has trouble hauling his leg out of the mud. Tyler grabs his hand. Aw! See how they support each other! It's a metaphor! And such a subtle one! Finally, they get hauled out. Meanwhile, Dustin and Kandice also have to go over a sort of a fence with deep mud on the other side, so they peel off their skis and climb over. Dustin gets over and hops down with a gymnast's landing, which she tries to "stick," but she puts her butt down a little too much and winds up sitting. "It's going to look like I pooped my pants," she whines. Wow. Not unless you have some very bad habits indeed, sweetheart. "Make it pretty, make it pretty," Dustin calls out to Kandice, who indeed completes an annoyingly neat jump over the wall. She will be free of pants-pooping gossipmongers and the damage they can do.
Tyler and James now have to do the carry, and as you would suspect, Tyler is carrying James on his back. At one point, James actually starts slapping his flank and saying "Giddyap," which strikes me as a good way to get cockpunched, but Tyler keeps slogging through the mud. The BQs persevere on their skis, and now the Pointies and *wins are joining the fray in the mud. There is great glee taken in reproducing on the soundtrack all of the sucking sounds from feet and legs being pulled out of the muck. James and Tyler switch positions so that Tyler is riding on James's back.
I'm sorry, it's true.
The *lyns jump the fence. Pointies are in the muck, *wins are in the muck. These two teams are quite close going through the obstacle course, to the point where Rob is afraid that the *wins are going to land on him going over the fence. Kim, showing herself to be a surprisingly game girl, keeps fighting her way through. She may be bitchy at times, but she ain't precious, and that goes a long way. Rob ultimately picks her up, over-the-threshold style, and starts carrying her through the appropriate part of the course. The *wins are a bit behind once they get to the carrying. I think the *lyns were very smart to choose the skiing, both because they would have had trouble with parts of the obstacle course and because skiing doesn't require being up to your belt in mud. Gross.
Finally, the A(AM!)s are done with the carrying, and they're ready for the run at the end, which will take them to the clue box. The BQs are finishing up at about the same time. There is some effort to create suspense, but ultimately, the boys edge the BQs in getting to the clue box. When they open the clue, it tells them to travel by train to Turku, which Phil says is 104 miles. Then, they'll drive another 78 miles to Lohja, where they'll find the Tytyrin Limestone Mine, where they'll take a tram down into the mine to find another clue box. The A(AM!)s take off, followed closely by the BQs. When the boys get to their taxi, however, they decide to kill a little time changing out of their filthy clothes, which allows the BQs time to catch up. The BQs elect to get right into a cab all covered with mud (Even though they were less messy from skiing than the boys were from the obstacle course, I'm actually surprised the driver didn't object), so they're all tied up as they pull away. In the cab, Tyler laments that they made a mistake by stopping to change. I guess it worked out that way, but if I were literally coated in mud from the waist down, I'd have assumed I needed to do something about that before I got into a car owned by someone else, too. For their part, the BQs can't believe the boys stopped either, so they toss around some contempt for "pretty boys." Hmm, I don't know if I'd go that route if I were these particular women. That could come back and bite you, you'd think.
Now, a very dirty pair of Pointies are finished with the obstacle course and fetching their clue. They really did a good job with that, actually. They get on their way, just as the *lyns and *wins are finishing up. Here they are again, these two teams -- dragging behind, with the *wins in actual last place. In their cab, the Pointies are pleased to have beaten the *wins, and they want very badly to get to the train station in time to get the first train. "I didn't actually think that I was going to be able to carry you as easily as I did." And as soon as those words are out, you can almost see a tiny stick figure run out of Rob's mouth and start chasing them with a butterfly net, trying to get them back. "What, you think I'm fat?" she asks. I do sense enough of a sneaky smile on her face that I don't think she's at all serious, but he did walk right into that one. Poor Pointy. If only he had said something like, "I had no idea how light you are," which was basically what he's going to want to argue he meant, he might have gotten away with it.
On the way to the train station, the BQs pass the A(AM!)s. Back and forth! Forth and back! Which set of professionally photogenic individuals will prevail?
Back at Soupy, the *lyns are getting into a cab, as are the *wins.
Train station. The BQs go dashing into the station, followed closely by the A(AM!)s. It turns out that there's a train leaving in just a couple of minutes, so these teams are pushing to be on it. As they get the instructions to head for Platform 5, the Pointies pull up outside. BQs and A(AM!)s go running through the station, while Pointies walk up to the counter. The two lead teams get on the train. Rob and Kimberly purchase tickets. On the train, James speculates that some other team is probably running through the station yelling, "Stop the train!" And then we cut to Rob, running through the station yelling, "Hold the train!" Heh. Pretty damn close, I'll give James that one. But then we return to the train, which is... inching out of the station, so Crazy Rob is out of luck. The A(AM!)s and BQs are very excited that they got away without anyone else showing up, and back on the platform, Rob has decided that this was "a race-breaker." Not likely, absent piling onto it with other factors, Rob.
Commercials. I repeat: Ron Livingston!
When we return, the Pointies are still really bummed out about the departing train. He's all upset, and she's like, "We'll get on the one." "Just let me have my moment!" he says, and it's kind of dramatic and hilarious, but it's also kind of... true. If they can both recognize that sometimes you have to just leave space for the freaking out, it's going to do them a world of good. I'm telling you, I think these kids could either break up horribly within the two weeks, or they could totally get married and stay married. It's really close to being a really good relationship to my eye, even though they're not really the kind of people I hang out with, and I'm impressed at the way they seem to work at it. There are those who can make bickering work for them, after all, even if other people don't like being around for it.
The *lyns and *wins are arriving at the station. Rob and Kim are learning that the train is one hour later, so that's the time they lost by missing that train. These three backbencher teams will all be on the train together.
On the train, James is checking in with someone who knows the area, who explains that when they get in the car, they just need to look for the signs to Helsinki, because Lohja is on the way there. Dustin and Kandice, meanwhile, are studying a map and planning their route.
And then, back at the train station, accompanied by very heavy music of suspense, the *lyns and *wins are getting on the same train as the disappointed Pointies. (Hey, that's the name of my band! No stealing!) On their train, the *wins happen to run into a guy who works for at least some mining company, so he's packed with information about finding the mine in Lohja. The *wins bow extravagantly. A lady on the train is like, "Hmm, that's entertaining. And I hope they're getting off at the stop."
The BQs and A(AM!)s get off the train at Turku. They find their way to some very handsome silver cars, and they get going. On the way to Lohja, the boys conclude that the girls are "just following" them. "They're crafty little girls," James observes. Now, now. You never want your names for them to be too patronizing, lest they kick your ass.
On the train, Kimberly is getting directions to Lohja from a guy who's being very helpful, drawing her a map and everything. As they head back, they pass the *lyns and *wins, and I think Lyn tries to ask the Pointies a question, and I don't think they even realize she's talking to them, and so now everybody thinks everybody else is rude. Say it with me: They didn't like us first! When they're gone, Godwin snarks about "the cold air" Rob and Kimberly left, while back in his seat, Rob says that the *wins and *lyns are "bugging" him. Lyn tells the entire car she's riding in that "those are not our friends." Oh, boy. I'm sure everyone cares. Kimberly interviews that the *lyns are "racing with a chip on their shoulder." Rob says that the *lyns "judged us right from the get-go." (Translation: they didn't like us first!) He and Kim believe that it was that attitude that set the tone. Got it? Through almost all of this nonsense running in all directions, nobody actually has said they don't like anybody else -- they've said that those "anybody else" acted like they didn't like them. Sigh. "No party train with them," Karlyn mutters. Somehow, "party train" and "Karlyn" don't really go together naturally in my particular mind. I would venture to say I would not invite her on my party train until I've seen her be happy at least a few times, because a mopey party train is no one's friend.
The A(AM!)s and BQs find their way to the limestone mine. They both find the property, but they both have trouble locating the marked door they're supposed to be looking for. James and Tyler find it first, and they hustle out of the car and up to the door. They get inside and are greeted by a local, as the BQs are still driving around asking people if they know how to find the right door. Inside, the boys are being placed on a tram, which basically looks like... sitting in some bleachers that then begin sinking into the earth. I think I've had that dream. By the time the BQs get inside, they are told that they'll have to wait, because there's only one tram.
Turku train station. The *lyns, the *wins, and the Pointies are hustling off the train for the drive to Lohja. The Pointies get away in their car first. The *lyns go ahead of the *wins, and it looks like the *wins are a little taken aback that the *lyns didn't hesitate so they could go together. Dude. It is too late for an alliance. That's craziness at this point. "Our style would have been to wait for them," Erwin says, a little peaked.
Tyler and James are descending, descending, descending into the deep, dark hole together. Hee hee. They get to the bottom (hee hee) and there is a Roadblock. As Phil explains, this task will require the Roadblocker to "immerse himself in the dark and claustrophobic world of the Finnish mining industry." That makes it sound kind of hardcore. Apparently, Finnish miners are in the habit of biking down into the mine, so that's how the Roadblock starts, too. Once the Roadblocker has biked down a mile or so, he or she will retrieve a heavy block of limestone, attach it to the bike, and come back up. Yes, back up the steep hill dragging a rock. Eep. At the top, they'll use a set of tools to break open the piece of limestone and take out a clue that's hidden inside, rolled up in a tube.
James announces to us that he's been waiting to do a great Roadblock that he could really knock out of the park, and he's "looking forward to the chance to step up." He just wants love, people. Love and acceptance. And for Tyler not to shake his head in that disappointed way, because it's heartbreaking. James straps on the helmet and heads down into the mine on the bike.
The tram has returned to the top of the mine, so the BQs are able to hop on now. And I must say that in their little hardhats, they look like... well, they look exactly like beauty queens touring a mine. They chat on the way down about how much David would have loved this, since he "spent all of his time down in a cave." Yeah, meaning he probably would love nothing more during the race than the chance to go down in another one. Who doesn't love a task that emulates the more unpleasant parts of his day job? "Wow, this task involves electrolysis! Dustin and Kandice will love that!"
Rob and Kimberly are heading for the mine. They've got the *lyns right behind them, and the *wins right after that.
James gets to the bottom of the cave and looks around for the blocks of limestone. He finds himself one, and he straps it onto the back of the bike. He starts back up, all earnest and serious and desperate to impress. Just then, the BQs get to the clue box and read the clue. Kandice takes the Roadblock, and she embarrasses herself a little by initially asking whether she is supposed to put the bike helmet on over her hardhat. Oy. No, dear. She starts riding down. Meanwhile, James is walking the bike back up the hill, because it turns out that as much as riding the bike back up that steep slope isn't happening, riding the bike up that steep slope with a giant rock chained to it is happening even less, even for the strong types. At the top, Dustin wonders to Tyler what their respective partners are up to down in the mine. "Probably making out, huh?" she asks. They both laugh, because there is no way, and nobody really knows why, but there is no way, and I agree. It might be that James would be terrified of Kandice's teeth. I kind of think it's that, now that I think of it. As Kandice rides down the slope, she does run into James, but they exchange greetings and do not make out. "Coming up's a bitch," he warns her. He finally gets to the top, so he can unstrap the limestone and start the hammering. I swear, everything I say about this Roadblock sounds dirty, and I'm not even trying. After an obligatory reference to "hammer time," James indeed begins hammering.
Kandice retrieves the block of limestone from the bottom of the mine. James cracks his rock open (see?) and gets out the clue tube. It instructs them to drive to the Olympic Stadium in Helsinki. It does not say "the pit stop." Phil explains that this is a 39-mile drive back into the city, where they'll find the stadium. Tyler and James take off after Tyler throws Dustin a high-five. When they're gone, it's time for Dustin to give a "yay," because here comes Kandice, dragging her bike up the hill. Dustin says that Kandice "made great time," and Kandice goes to work on the stone cracking. "Grab a pokey-thing," Dustin says smartly. Outside, Tyler and James take off in their car in search of the stadium. Before long, the BQs get their clue free, and they, too, are on their way.
The Pointies show up at the mine, but of course, now they have to find the right door. The *lyns, right behind, pronounce Rob to be "driving crazy," which I find a little funny, because it's kind of true. He goes one way as the *wins and *lyns go the other way. So somebody's wrong. Who is it? Well... before long, the *lyns are at the marked door, so they are clearly correct. The *wins are hot on their tails. And now... Rob is driving into the mine. Seriously. He's driving directly into what looks to be part of a mine. With his car. I kind of don't know what to say about that. I mean, it looks like there's a path for a mining vehicle to go in there, but what kind of a guy is like, "Hmm, do I take the right on the road, or should I take the left into the unending blackness?"
As the *lyns and *wins descend, Lyn calls out, "Dave Junior, I'm going in the mine, yaaaay!", and she claps her hands. She's pretty cute, really, and it doesn't come off quite as obnoxious as it sounds from that description. It's the good kind of kindergarten delivery. The *wins clap along. Karlyn continues to scowl. Outside in their car, the Pointies are very confused. "We're out of it!" Rob declares, as a favor to the editors so that they can get into the commercial break.
Commercials. Control your urge to cough! Fight biology! Have no germs! Wear a bubble! You're unsanitary! Go bathe in disinfectant! Thank you.
Finally, when we come back, Rob and Kimberly find their way to the right door. They put on their helmets, but they have to wait. "Sure we do," Rob says, trying to sound cooperative but slowly going crazy in the best way.
BQs and A(AM!)s, on the way to Olympic Stadium. Eeee!
The *wins and *lyns open the Roadblock clue. Godwin and Karlyn are up. They carefully make their way down together, as Godwin continues to cheer for the "Six Pack." Which, it's safe to say, is a thing of the past. Meanwhile, the Pointies get the Roadblock clue, and Rob takes it. Elsewhere, at the bottom, Godwin is now basically praying to Dave for guidance. First Dave was dead, and now he has come back and is available to be prayed to. Is it Easter already? And then we watch Rob, in helmet-cam, with the bright light on his head and his scraggly beard, all, "ha-HA!", and it's really a little unsettling. As Godwin and Karlyn strap limestone onto their bikes, Godwin notes the proximity of Rob. Who, incidentally, is now whooping like a nut. "I'm coming for you!" he bellows. It's like The Shining, kind of. They start back up, and they pass Rob on his way down. Karlyn can't ride too far uphill, so she stops and walks the bike, but she tells Godwin to go ahead. Meanwhile, Rob loads up with rock. (Not dirty! Or criminal!)
Olympic Stadium. Tyler and James. While they are the first to pile out of their car, they run right past the door with the yellow and red flag on it. Good job, dudes. The BQs are close by, coming down the highway and approaching... their exit, or whatever. "We're within ten minutes of the pit stop," Dustin says, though there has been no mention of the pit stop, and then the proximity of "the sistas" is noted without lips moving again, and I'm getting kind of creeped out. That's a pretty loaded remark -- I'd rather be seeing it come out of her mouth every time, because context would be really important. I'm almost positive that the "I would really like the 'Bama girls to leave today" that follows is from the interview that aired along side the famous Ticket Joe Fiasco, and that makes me even more suspicious. I haven't heard too many accusations against this particular show of that kind of blatant misplacement of quotes in places where they have nothing to do with what's going on, and I'd hate to think they're starting now.
Godwin and Karlyn are both walking their bikes uphill. "This is definitely a perfect example of an uphill battle," Karlyn pants. Heh. Godwin emerges from the darkness, so he can start working on the limestone. Karlyn is persevering, but she does get passed by Rob, unsurprisingly. All three of these people wind up finishing pretty close to each other, so they're all hitting with their hammers at the same time. Godwin retrieves the clue first, so they're off toward Olympic Stadium. Rob gets his clue out , so he's heading for the tram as well. Karlyn is only slightly behind, but she and Lyn catch up as the *wins and Pointies are getting on the tram, so they'll all be going up together. Some believed that the *wins delayed to let the *lyns get there; I didn't see it.
Having missed the door they were supposed to go in, Tyler and James are now inside the stadium, standing on the field, unable to figure out what the hell is going on. They're looking for a flag, but they know this doesn't seem right. Meanwhile, the BQs are recruiting a local to lead them to Olympic Stadium. And while I'm not saying that their looks are the only reason they do well with things like this -- they are also very polite and friendly -- this is a good example of where I think anyone who has studied this sort of thing would tell you that if they and, for instance, the *lyns behaved in exactly the same way, it would be the BQs who would get more help. Way of the world. Not their fault by any means, but... way of the world.
Speaking of the *lyns, they are now in their car on the way to the stadium. Behind them are the Pointies, then the *wins. Rob is telling Kimberly that this will be the pit stop. Why don't they catch on? This isn't new, you know?
James and Tyler have backtracked to outside the stadium again, and now they see the door that they were supposed to see the first time. It's good that at least they didn't just keep walking around inside. When they go in that door, they find the clue box, and they pull out a clue. And what does the clue say? It says to go to the top of the 236-foot tower, where they will have to perform what Phil calls "one last task." James and Tyler pile into the elevator. Tyler can't believe how long they wasted time inside the stadium.
The BQs are pissed off because their guide won't make a right on red. Great. The guy is feeding the pit stop to you, and you're trying to get him a ticket. Boo!
At the top of the tower, Tyler and James learn that they will be rappelling down the side of the tower face-first. So you want to walk down the side like Spider-Man. James assures us that he would be "freaked out" if he were going first. James, you see, does not like heights. Tyler, on the other hand, tips out and starts walking down the side, even laughing like Woody Woodpecker at times. "I'm so scared," James murmurs. Downstairs, the BQs are pulling up and finding the flag that the A(AM!)s missed. Tyler floats down the side of the building and comments that this task will not be a good one for his heights-fearing partner. Back at the top, it's time for James to conquer his fears, and Tyler is sure that James won't let the team down.
Elsewhere, there is a little bit of a showdown brewing between the *lyns and the Pointies. Rob is driving right up behind Lyn, and then the *wins weasel in between those two cars. Immediately, Godwin feels entitled to order Rob to give him more space. Godwin vows to slam on the brakes if Rob keeps tailgating. Yeah, that would be a good idea. Because then you'd both have a car accident and fall behind. Great plan.
The Rappel Of James. Unable to convince himself to put his feet against the side and walk down, James is trying to lower himself down, which is not what this equipment is designed for. While he still doesn't seem to get the hang of the way it's supposed to be, James at least finally gets going, just as the three remaining teams are approaching the stadium. Anticipating a pit stop -- or at least fearing one -- the three teams jump out of their cars and run.
And elsewhere, James finally lands on the ground, and he doesn't even look that traumatized. The *lyns and *wins are first to the office; the Pointies went the wrong way -- again. Now, it's time for James and Tyler to read the clue. And what does it say? "Keep Racing!!!" Oh, not multiple exclamation points. Rob screams at Kim! Tyler can't believe the leg is continuing! What! Will! Happen!?
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Tanks! And the alliance is gone at last. It's about time.