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And you thought Madagascar was only an animated movie! Well, it isn't. It's this week's destination, and when the teams get there, they learn that they're dealing with a new twist called an "Intersection." This requires each team to join forces with another. The Pointies and the Addicts (And Models!) team up and decide to take the "Fast" Forward, which means all four of them have to scarf a plate of cow lips. As it turns out, this is very unpleasant, and it takes a long time. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are running a surprisingly short leg involving a mattress Detour and then, after they split up again, a "crowded streets of this chaotic marketplace" Roadblock. In the end, the BQs squeeze in ahead of the two teams who "Fast" Forwarded together, and then the *wins, who were partnered with the BQs, come in fourth. The lagging teams are the *lyns and Dave and Mary, who worked together none too efficiently during the Detour and wound up behind. While Mary finishes the Roadblock before Lyn, Dave and Mary are looking at that half-hour penalty from last week, and because Lyn is only about ten minutes behind, it is Dave and Mary who are sent home. They learned a lot, though. The world contains many people. Mary likes 'em! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Pardon My Hangover; I've Been On A Fender Bender: Dustin and Kandice crinkled the hood of their car like a cocktail napkin, but still finished first, because defensive driving is not important when you are pretty. They were, however, sadly out of the running for the title of Miss Intact Bumper 2006. Tyler and James had all the sense of direction of a cooked potato, but they finished second, because they were smart enough to figure out that it wasn't for nothing that "the salt mines" are a metaphorically unproductive workplace. Rob and Kimberly killed their car entirely, but they finished third, because they were born with a healthy ability to declare a party dead as soon as they arrive at it. Erwin and Godwin faithfully hung with their alliance and finished fourth, which one would hope made them feel virtuous, since it didn't make them work especially efficiently. Lyn and Karlyn did not excel in the leg overall, but they were good enough to beat Dave and Mary, and they finished fifth. And Dave and Mary...well, they finished last, but they were not Philiminated, because the show is playing with them like a kitten with a ball of string, and they will not be untangled until fate is good and ready. So this week, there are still six teams left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. Even my mother -- my very generous, very kind mother -- has noticed that the monkey looks just like Rob. That is quite an indictment of one's fundamentally simian nature.
Commercials. You know, whichever advertising executive decided people would find it adorable to watch fat green monsters in a Mucinex commercial -- or, for that matter, to name a cold medicine "Mucinex" -- really should get a big, big raise. That's up there with "Vagisil" for names that provide no information, but plenty of cause for squirming. And why would you ask stuffed-up people to pronounce "Mucinex"? It's only going to come out "Bucidex" when they ask for it at the pharmacy. Cruel mockery at its finest. Damn corporate weasels.
Happy guitar music, soon joined by Phil, announces that we are on the apparently very jaunty island of Mauritius, the motto of which seems to be It's Always Saturday Somewhere. The island is off the eastern coast of Africa, in case you already forgot, which you probably did. It was "formed eons ago" by hard-working volcanoes, and it is well-known for being an extremely beautiful place that is often pronounced incorrectly. (See also: Oregon.) On the south side of the island, we are at a sugar plantation acting as this week's pit stop. As Phil shows it to us, he is standing in a particularly aggressive "Ahoy, mateys" posture, feet apart, hands on hips, chest thrust forward. Methinks Phil has been taking some extra vitamins, since he looks ready for a lion-wrestling match. Phil wonders whether the BQs will keep on doing well by shoving away all help and going through on their own, and whether the *wins and *lyns can help the marked-for-Philimination Dave and Mary avoid last place. I think, in the *lyns' case, that he should be wondering whether they really want to help Dave and Mary avoid last place. I'm thinking Karlyn cares only minimally. It's not race friends; it's race business!
3:00 AM. Dustin and Kandice. The clue says they're traveling to Madagascar, which Phil says is 700 miles away. Barely a jump! Phil says that they have to search for a statue called the Black Angel. The trick is that this "local landmark" has recently been painted white, probably because of hegemony. The BQs note that the clue does not specifically say that they have to take the same car, probably because TPTB failed to adequately plan for anyone getting in a wreck and then try to dump their fuck-up off on someone else. So, seeing the loophole that's been left, they leave the car they wrecked for someone else to deal with and take a different one. I can't explain it, but that really rubbed me the wrong way. I've defended all their much-maligned maneuvering up to this point, but the idea of leaving something you specifically are responsible for to be somebody else's problem isn't quite the same in spirit as just trying to get ahead on your own. I mean, most of these clues say "drive yourselves." If this happened in the middle of a leg, would it be kosher to take somebody else's car at the end of a task because yours wasn't working?
I suppose my real beef is with the show for not keeping them from doing this, but as I said, it's not like the show is going to anticipate that someone is going to wreck the car through sheer stupidity and then attempt to leave it behind for someone else. Racing principles aside, this just struck me as...icky. Instincts of distaste prove well-founded when on top of making the questionable move in the first place, they gloat and giggle in the car about how someone else is going to be stuck with their rotten car in case they've wrecked it. I have to say, I'm starting to be afraid that Dustin and Kandice kind of suck, which really disappoints me. Kandice follows up with a completely clichéd "I'm not here to make friends" interview moment, which does nothing to make them look cooler. "That's what you get for checking in last at the pit stop," Dustin gloats about leaving car she wrecked for someone else. You know...I understand saying that you're just doing what the race allows and exploiting an obviously unintentional gap in the clue, but gloating about how very fair it is, which is what you're doing when you say "that's what you get for [whatever]," strikes me as bitchy in the extreme.
3:05 AM. Addicts (And Models!). In maybe the most "you can't really blame people for thinking you're dating each other" moment ever, Tyler talks in a voiceover about how sometimes, James is "passive" in their relationship. Not generally, but in their relationship. Tyler says that he needs to "step up as the dominant...role in our team." The noise you just heard was the sound of many dirty thoughts springing from many dirty minds. ["I don't even think it's sex. I think they're just deeply in love with each other, and that love gave them the strength to crawl out of the pit of addiction. What?" -- Joe R] Had he left it at "step up as the dominant," I think the censors would have required the show to add the last part, actually. James shows Tyler on the map how to get to the airport, then interviews that he's been disappointed in his own performance so far. I think he really just wants to make Tyler happy, as he implies when he speaks of wanting to "prove [him]self." James and Tyler decide to wait a couple of minutes for the Pointies.
3:09 AM. Pointies. When they're off the mat, Kimberly does not hesitate in expressing her opposition to taking the car that got smashed up. In a very interestingly staged interview, she talks about all that they're learning while he hugs her super-hard from behind. Now, I like a snuggle as much as the girl, so normally, this would not bother me. But it's a little unusual that he chose an interview as the moment to display this behavior. She tells us that they're still trying to learn how to "communicate without arguing." She goes on to say that some days are good for them, and some are not so good, and then he squeezes her really hard while insisting it's getting better. It's all in jest, and yet it's kind of unsettling, like he's going to start laughing maniacally and just squeeze her until she agrees to marry him. Maybe they should be called the Squeezies. Well... no, that sounds kind of gross, like they're toothpaste tubes. They are initially going to follow the A(AM!)s, but it turns out that Rob knows how to get to the airport, while James's plan was totally wrong. Once they're all on the way, Tyler says to James, all disappointed, "You've got to fine-tune those skills, buddy." That is one weird, weird friendship. It's part Lucy and Ethel, part Sid and Nancy, and part Robert Young and Kitten. In an interview, James basically says they only have an alliance because other people do. They didn't like us first! The boys explain that they're looking to pick off somebody from the *wins/*lyns/*ians (that's Kentuckians...thanks, numerous EEFPs who heard my plea!) and turn the group from the Six Pack into the Four Pack, like, ha ha, not.
4:04 AM. The *wins leave, announce that teams get ten bucks for this leg, and say they're going to wait around for the *lyns and *ians. Meaning they have ten bucks, but they don't have ten bucks worth of sense.
4:05 AM. Here go the *lyns. They and the *wins begin to put it together that the BQs took off in someone else's car and left their crappy one behind. I'm sure that was a delightful discovery.
4:08 AM. Dave and Mary. As they're leaving and getting together with their alliance, Erwin interviews that they would happily give up first place in order to keep somebody in their group from being eliminated -- in other words, they'd take second so that Dave and Mary could be first and avoid the penalty, if they were all together. I don't think that comes as any particular shock, considering that they've demonstrated that they'll stand around doing nothing, waiting for their group to arrive. It's endearing, yet stupid, which is such a common combination of attributes, I find. The alliance leaves together. In an interview, Mary says that she and Dave have to be first, because thirty minutes could be the end of you at this point. Which is true, of course. In the car, she adds that she only knows Madagascar from the cartoon. She's excited about the trip, and hopefully, she's open to the possibility that it's even better when it's not a drawing.
As they drive, the *lyns decide they don't like the way the other teams in the group are going, so they go off on their own. The *wins interview somewhat condescendingly, with a little chuckle, that the *lyns are "independently minded." Lyn interviews that they're all friends no matter what happens in the race, so they all are racing hard for themselves. Holy cow! That's my theory exactly! That if you have actual friends, they won't stop being your friends if you don't help them advance in the game. You know who Lyn needs to talk to? Lex. ("Never." The answer to when I will be tired of picking on Lex about this point is "never.")
Dustin and Kandice get to the airport, still giggling over having taken the *lyns' car. Karlyn, meanwhile, is sitting in the back seat explaining how they indeed had to take a different car on account of the BQs, although they didn't wind up in the BQs' car. I can't really tell who wound up in which car, and I'm not 100 percent certain anyone took the BQs car. I saw someone in a green car, but I'm not sure it was actually the same one. It occurs to me that I don't much care. Anyway, the BQs get to a ticket counter and ask for tickets to Madagascar as quickly as possible. Soon after, the A(AM!)s and Pointies follow. Dustin and Kandice are getting word of an 11:00 AM direct flight. They are joined by the other two teams, who take the same tickets. There is no advantage for anyone, though, because the trailing three teams come in and get the same flight, so everybody is in one big tie. Mary and Dave are relieved to be caught up with everyone. On the flight, Dave is unhappy that Mary never lets him sit by the window. She is unimpressed. I definitely think there is a "never gets to sit by the window" quality to Dave's life that is probably not entirely limited to this situation.
The teams fly from Mauritius to Madagascar. (AYL: "Woo! Practically have the day off!") And then we are in Antananarivo, Madagascar (hey, Word knows the word "Antananarivo"!), which looks to be a very pleasant and friendly location as well. This is a nice part of the world they're in. For once, it is the *wins/*lyns/*ians who are out of the airport first. Shocker! All three of them get into taxis, asking for the Black Angel. Mary says with great hope that she and Dave should be able to get to the angel first, provided their driver performs well. Elsewhere, Karlyn cracks herself up on the topic of the Black Angel: "Which is me, so I don't know why we're looking for it, 'cause I'm right here!" Hee hee. I have not liked her during the race, but I suspect she is a kick in the pants for limited periods of time if she's comfortable and in a good mood. I secretly suspect her to be a hoot to the small number of people she likes, and kind of hard for other people to like.
As the BQs get in their cab, Dustin talks about how she can tell that the *wins/*lyns/*ians alliance is "stepping it up." She says they're racing harder than usual and hustling a little more. It's a good thing to acknowledge when you suddenly find yourself trailing people you've been making fun of. She says that she and Kandice will "have to be on [their] 'A' game today." Meanwhile, James and Tyler are waiting for the Pointies. They hop into taxis. Tyler talks about how Dave and Mary manage to keep hanging in, but will need a lot of help to keep themselves in first place. I will say, this is the first time I can think of that that alliance has hustled its collective bustle and gotten out ahead. It's clearly annoying Tyler, in that same way that Weber State is a lot of fun to watch every year right up until about the Sweet Sixteen, at which point they're only fun if they're not playing your team and they're not up by eight points at the end of the first half. In any event, Tyler wants today to be Dave and Mary's "knockout punch."
Meanwhile, Rob and Kimberly continue their Humanity Tour, as she takes note of the fact that there's an incredible amount of exhaust in the air. She mentions that this is, of course, kind of bad for you, and Rob agrees. She asks how people can live in this kind of air. Rob says that "they die a lot younger than we do." Up until this point, there's a weird sensitivity that you could choose to read into this conversation, because he's arguably saying, "Yes, you're right, it's not safe, and not everybody is as fortunate in their big cities, environment-wise, as we are." Unfortunately, Rob now goes on to explain to Kimberly that the people of Madagascar don't get enough protein and have underdeveloped brains as a result. This comment got him in huge hot water with people who watched the show, and I don't disagree that it sounds horrible, and it's entirely possible that he's talking out of his ass. It is also possible, however, that he is not entirely talking out of his ass. It turns out that Madagascar is not only a very poor country, but a country with a very specific malnutrition problem. He may have said this because he's a jackass, but he also may have said it because he picked up a guidebook or something that talked about malnutrition, since Madagascar scored a rather jolting #149 out of #175 countries on the U.N.'s Human Development Index. In other words, I wouldn't assume that Rob said this just because he thinks poor people are stupid. He may actually have read something that made him think this was the case, although I doubt it was said quite as clumsily as he reported it.
Dave and Mary's driver takes them to the entirely white Black Angel, but they are a trifle confused, and they do not stop. The *lyns, too, do not stop at the white Black Angel. Neither do the *wins. Behind these teams, the A(AM!)s pass the BQs in their taxi. The entire *wins/*lyns/*ians alliance is still in the wrong place, but at least they seem to realize that they're clearly not doing what they're supposed to do.
So, as it turns out, the first team to hop out at the Angel is the A(AM!)s. They're quickly followed by the BQs and Pointies. While the girls stand around negotiating their fare, the Pointies pass them. Up ahead, Tyler and James run down a long path to a clue box with a special sign above it. While one of the boys initially takes it to be a Yield, it isn't, quite. It says "Intersection." Phil explains to us that this is a new "twist." The Intersection requires teams to work together in pairs of two teams. They'll have to do all tasks and make all decisions together until they're told that they can separate again. I suppose I approve of this in a way, because I like interaction between teams, and because anything that turns out not to be the Yield is cool with me. It turns out that if you get to the box and there isn't another team there, you have to wait, so this could be a way to really get hosed. Because the Pointies are just behind the boys, it's not very tough for these two teams to decide they'll work together. I'm fascinated by the fact that Rob thinks that bucket hat he's wearing is acceptable. He looks like he's going fishing. With old people.
The BQs arrive at the Intersection, note that the only teams they aren't fighting with have already teamed up, and realize that they're going to be stuck with a team from the dreaded "Six Pack." I wonder if that wrecked car they left behind will come up. Meanwhile, the A(AM!)s and Pointies are reading the Fast Forward, which the teams have received at the Intersection box. Phil explains that in this case, the two joined teams will do the Fast Forward together. In this FF, you go two and a half miles to a market where they will each have to eat a big plate of... cow lips. Phil calls it a "local favorite." I am, as always, skeptical. Lutefisk is talked about the same way in Minnesota, and in fact, people only eat it to say they ate it. Well, except for crazy people. (It's whitefish aged in lye until it turns into a sort of jelly, in case you don't know. LYE. Caustic LYE. It was a great idea before things like refrigeration were invented.) The A(AM!)s and Pointies quickly conclude that they will do the FF.
So the BQs are in a pickle, because they have to wait for other teams to arrive, and they have to work with someone who doesn't like them, in all likelihood. Kimberly, already in a cab on the way to the FF, finds the idea of the BQs teaming up with perhaps the *lyns to be pretty funny. Nothing's going to happen for a while, though, because the alliance is still driving around aimlessly. The BQs wait around nervously, as Dustin notes that no one will want to work with her and Kandice. "They hate us," Kandice observes with a grin that's a little too gleeful.
Commercials. Not that it really came up during this particular commercial break, but there were so many political commercials such a short time ago. Remember that? Ha ha ha! Thank God they're gone. And yes, I mean that both ways.
When we return, there is a little recap of the fact that the BQs await the arrival of the big alliance at the brand-new Intersection. The big alliance? Well, they're...still lost, but hey! All of a sudden, one of their drivers figures it out, and they're on their way. Dave and Mary arrive at the Intersection first, but they're followed about two feet later by the *lyns. Of course, as soon as the new teams read about the Intersection, they agree to work together. The BQs specifically decide they're not even going to ask either of these teams about working together, given that it's obviously pointless. See, they didn't like us first!
Mary immediately announces that she wants to do the Fast Forward -- remember, she needs to be in first place, if at all possible, because otherwise she gets a penalty. Normally, of course, you can't get two Fast Forwards, but Phil doesn't explain that part this time, and I guess he didn't last time, either? I don't know. I would still be in favor of limiting Fast Forwards to one, not that it's going to matter in this case. Here come the *wins up the path, by the way. They will become the partners of the BQs, who I suspect are not too disappointed. These teams open up the Detour clue (which is what you get if you don't do the FF), and it says that you have to choose here between a task in which you wrap and then carry eight mattresses through the streets about a mile to find an address and a task in which you meticulously make paper by hand. Long Sleep versus Short Letter, you see. Mary and Dave and the *lyns stand around debating whether or not to take the FF, while the BQs and *wins go running off to carry the mattresses. And then, for whatever reason, one of the BQs calls out, "You are Asian! We could have made paper!" Wow. That's not even a very interesting ethnic stereotype. It's just stereotyping for its own sake. It's like, "You're white! Aren't you guys all news anchors?" If you're going to be cringingly insensitive, at least don't be lame.
The Pointies and the A(AM!)s are on their way to the cow lips. In an interview, Rob and Kimberly explain teaming up with the boys, and Kimberly adds that they really want one of the aligned teams to get sent home. Speaking of whom, Mary and Lyn are busy disagreeing in their bus/taxi about the fact that Mary still wants to do the FF. Lyn is insistent that it will be a waste of time to go try to get it, because they won't get it anyway if they have to compete with that lead group that I think she suspects is already on its way. Mary keeps saying that she has to come in first, but finally, she relents, probably realizing that her odds at the FF are not very good, and her group decides to do the mattresses.
On the way to those same mattresses, Godwin admits with a grin that he hasn't liked the BQs all that much, but Kandice cheerfully says that the boys "couldn't have better teammates" than herself and Dustin. If she does say so herself. Godwin agrees that if they do well in the mattresses, "it's all forgotten." Heh. "You know," Dustin lectures, "you're glad that we're on your side right now, and we're glad that you're on our side." It would have been so much better if she had stuck with just the second half of that sentence. Because the first part sounds a little bit too much like everything else that comes out of her mouth, much of which is blurring into one long "we are awesome" barrage. I like real confidence, and there's precious little of it among way to many young women of this age and type, but she's becoming haughty, which is never good.
So, the FF group arrives at the market and hunts down the stall they're looking for. This is a pretty serious meat situation, just as far as the environment. There is a ton of meat hanging, and there is not a lot of fresh air, even though they're outdoors. As soon as they actually lay eyes on the cow lips, the teams begin to blanch. They try to just throw it all down the hatch, but Kimberly sums it up like this: "It was disgusting." You might think she's exaggerating until she says that there was not only fat involved, but there were teeth, and there was hair. So now, you are eating cow lips with a moustache. And some teeth. There is a lot of nose-holding, which I'm sure is about what they're eating, but which I'm also sure is partly just because they are surrounded by more raw meat than anyone probably wants keeping them company.
Still riding to the mattresses, the BQs rib the *wins about being the masterminds behind the alliance, and how the *lyns and *ians are really going to miss them. "We're all equal," a *win says. "No," Kandice says flatly. Such a fine line it is that those girls are... sort of hopping all over. Elsewhere, Karlyn and Mary agree that neither of them wanted to work with the BQs. So there. They didn't like us first!
The *wins and BQs show up at the mattress Detour, and very shortly, they're followed by the *lyns and *ians. These mattresses turn out to be flat pieces of foam, so they don't weigh very much; they're just unwieldy. And of course, you have to start by sliding them into mattress covers, which is no fun. "Come on, like a little girl's pantyhose!" Mary says of putting on the covers. I don't know about that comparison, but it does sound like a similar degree of difficulty. I think that's what I'm going to start to say about all difficult challenges. "Come on, like a little girl's pantyhose!" This is how sayings get coined. Join me, won't you? "How was the presentation?" "Piece of cake. Like a little girl's pantyhose." That would make you really popular around the office.
The FF is busy being incredibly hard on everyone but James, who probably figures he's done a few things in his life less appetizing than this. Rob isn't even sure he can do it, but when Tyler starts making noises about going back and going to the Detour, Rob and James are insistent that they've already "committed," so they'll just have to do their best with the cow lips they have. (If I had a nickel...)
The *wins say that it was "efficient" working with the BQs. They did not, however, enjoy competing against the *lyns and Dave and Mary. I wonder if the *wins realize how many teams are left, and how many they're trying to avoid competing against.
The four FF participants are tossing around advice -- well, the three guys are. "Don't look at all the meat covered with flies" would seem to be one piece of advice.
The Detouring continues. Mary explains that she and Dave fight partly because they haven't ever had to spend this much time together. And can I just say that it shows? Because it does. Dave tells us that ultimately, they're both there for the kids, so it's not going to help them to be fighting all the time.
The BQs and *wins finish the covering part of the task first. As they look at the address, Godwin chuckles to the BQs, "Ladies, that's your job. Get one of these locals to help you." Rule #1: If most of the locals are men, you let the young pretty women do the approaching. This rule is what we call Not Rocket Science. In an interview, Godwin points out that blonde, blue-eyed people have an advantage in getting people to stop and help them. In an interview, Kandice clearly takes offense at the *wins telling them to ask for directions from locals because they'd have better luck. Dustin goes on to say that this comment -- which you will recall was "Ladies, that's your job. Get one of these locals to help you" -- was an accusation that they're just lucky and are "smiling at the right people" rather than being good racers. She is making a whole lot out of that comment, if that's really the comment they're talking about. Young, pretty women have an advantage in getting help from unfamiliar people, particularly but not exclusively men. If you can't deal with that, then don't deal with it, but that's reality, and someone else pointing out pragmatically that that bias exists doesn't mean anyone is denigrating anything else you've done, since you can be a good team with a natural advantage or a bad team with a natural advantage. Oh, and Kandice kind of steps on Dustin's righteous indignation by saying, "We're not saying that they're wrong, but." So...not wrong, and yet somehow wrong. Got it.
The *wins and BQs are on the road, carrying their mattresses, while the *lyns and Dave and Mary are still finishing covering theirs. Oddly, this trailing group initially decides to only take four mattresses with them on the first try and to come back for the other four. That is not efficient. Dave thinks they can take all eight, but Mary insists that they can't. Lyn just wants to reach a decision so they can do something.
Meanwhile, the *wins and BQs are making excellent progress, carrying four mattress each split into two pairs of people. In an effort to get the eight mattresses to stay together as a unit, Karlyn and Dave hit upon connecting the straps from their fanny packs and using those like a giant bungee cord. It's ingenious, in a sense. I mean, I'm not sure you want to tie all the mattresses together, but if you do, it's pretty resourceful to come up with using your fanny-pack straps. Lyn says in an interview that this actually worked, and you can tell from her expression that she didn't think it was going to. She adds that carrying this enormous, unwieldy thing through the streets with little people at the bottom of it, they looked suspiciously like they were in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Heh.
The FF teams still are trying to get through the cow lips. The champion of this is clearly James, about whom Tyler laughs and observes, "He can't swim, but he can eat cow lips." Fortunately, James laughs too, or that would have been awkward. I don't recall James being unable to swim, either.
The BQs are still hauling mattresses through the streets. They're carrying them on their heads at the moment, which sounds fun but actually causes two mattresses to fall off, so they have to run back and fetch them. You can tell how light the mattresses are, because Dustin and Kandice barely know two of them are gone at first. I'm thinking they may not be comfortable for sleeping. The snag for this group comes when the local who's been leading them not only runs far ahead of them, but does it while carrying the address they need. I'm not sure giving the local the only copy you have of the address was a good thought.
Dave and Mary and the *lyns then almost drop their parade float. This is the first time I've sensed that if these people know each other long enough, there will be some yelling from time to time, because Lyn and Mary are being a bit short with each other.
Unhappy Fast Forward people, looking green.
Mary bickering with her own team. Cow-lip-eating contestants trying not to eat any teeth. BQs and *wins looking for their long-lost local. Chaos! Has! Descended!
Commercials. Penguins are the new Julia Roberts.
When we return, Mary and Dave and the *lyns are having a rough time carrying their giant wad of mattresses through the streets. The *wins and BQs don't have their local with them anymore, but one of the BQs (Dustin, I believe) remembers the street number as 2101. Good for her for remembering; boo on them for giving away the address. They think they're already on the right street, so from looking at the nearby numbers, they're able to get themselves on track.
And then we return to the Fast Forward, where everyone else is kind of shocked that James is plowing through the cow lips like they're blueberry pancakes. "I want this Fast Forward," James tells them. And at this point, they'd better get it.
A small child throws a ball against a wall. His innocent whimsy is interrupted when four Americans, two beauty queens and two brothers, come marching through the play area hauling mattresses. When the BQs get hung up for a minute, they wind up putting down the mattresses and asking the *wins to come with them to run ahead and make sure they know where they're going before they hassle the mattresses any farther. Probably makes sense, if you think your mattresses won't get stolen. The *lyns and Mary and Dave, on the other hand, are not having a good time, and are winding up dragging their mattresses along the street, which the delivery recipient probably is not going to appreciate.
The Fast Forwarders are trying to convince themselves that it's not that bad that it's taking an inordinately long time to eat the cow lips. Tyler explains that of course, the other teams will be doing a Detour and a Roadblock, and they have to wangle four people, so this is still going to give a nice lead. It will! It will!
The BQs find the place they're taking the mattresses and confirm that it's the right one. "Do you want mattresses?" they ask. They get a positive answer, so they head back to get their load. As they're heading back, Mary and Dave and the *lyns are pushing their mattresses through the streets, and Mary is talking about how being accompanied by all the local kids is making it a lot more fun for her. It seems like one of the kids is trying to push on the mattresses and Mary doesn't want him to, so she laughs and tells the kid, "No, push me! You push me!" Dave snarls, "Mary, just leave them alone." I don't think Mary is the only potential killjoy on the team, if you get my drift. The BQs and *wins turn in their mattresses as Kandice interviews that they've "always really respected" the *wins. I wonder if that's because of their natural affinity for paper-making. Kandice at least claims that it's because the *wins have a similar work style to her own, and because they contain "beef." Once they've turned in the mattresses, they receive the clue, which tells them to separate into individual teams and go to a place called -- seriously -- Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely. I'm betting that's the longest single place name in the history of the show, and when you count the names of every place they've ever been and find a longer one, I do not want you to email me. In any event, they're down to about 8-point font with that name on the screen. There, they'll look for another clue. The *wins and BQs part warmly. Meanwhile, Dave and Mary and the *lyns appear to be lost.
Cow lips still taste terrible. Kimberly talks about how her stomach hurts, and Rob assures her that it's all "mental" and "upstairs." She calmly tells him that it's not helping her to have him coach her while she's trying to eat. He stops. Good job, kids! See, I think this is why their bickering doesn't bother me as much -- I think they're clearly trying to get better at not yelling at each other, and I do respect that effort. I prefer it to the whole "well, this is what works for us" approach that we see from other teams. In fact, Rob says in an interview that it's good to have this kind of training in when to push and when to lay off. "Sometimes you need to just let off and let them experience what they're going through." With this, we watch Kimberly hurl under the table, which is a very nice piece of editing. What Kimberly is going through, you see, is horking up her insides.
The BQs get themselves a taxi. The *wins are having a little more trouble, but the BQs are on their way. In the cab, Kandice tries to talk about how happy she was that they had the *wins to work with instead of the *lyns, but Dustin cuts her off and starts talking about how the *wins were lucky to be working with them. I think Dustin needs to recognize the difference between being confident and being arrogant, because she is not great at staying on the right side of that line. Finally, the *wins get into a cab, where they talk a little about how hard it was to be working against their friends. "Every step forward for us means that they're further behind," Erwin quite rightly points out.
Speaking of behind, Mary and Dave and the *lyns are close to their destination, so they're carrying the mattresses now. Unfortunately, Karlyn is losing patience with Mary and yelling at Dave to come and help her. I seriously hope that whatever is going to happen here happens before these teams start yelling at each other, because that would be sad.
The Fast Forward still sucks. Tyler is glad they're all in it together. Four cow-lip-eaters are better than two! The three guys all high-five each other as Kimberly tries not to throw up.
In the BQ cab, Dustin says that with two teams doing the FF, there are probably only four teams that can come in last, which is a little unnerving. Meanwhile, the *wins' driver is having trouble with the car, which is suffering from the malady of having no gas in it. (Props to this week's best EEFP line: "Madagascar? More like Outta-gas-car! Ha ha ha ha!" Sometimes, I do love the EEFPs.)
Here are the BQs at the Longest Place Ever. They open it and it's a Roadblock. Here, the Roadblocker has to search for what Phil calls "the tool most commonly used by the government of Madagascar -- the rubber stamp." Ouch. Wow. Sucks to be the government of Madagascar, I guess. The rubber stamps they're looking for will be scattered among "rubber stamp vendors" (really?) in the crowded streets of this chaotic marketplace, spread across a giant set of stairs. So they'll be looking for four different vendors with four stamps they need -- a boat, a train, a plane, and a car. Once they get all four stamps stamped on their clues, the Roadblockers will be finished, and they'll travel alone a couple of miles by taxi to the pit stop, where their partner will be. The pit stop is at the Cathedral Andohalo, which sits above the city. Last team in may be eliminated. Dustin takes the Roadblock and starts searching for stamps.
Tyler tells the other Fast Forwarders how great it is that they're almost finished, and they're almost ready to go to the pit stop. You can tell how hard they're all trying to be perky, because they have been here a long time, and there are still some teeth and hair left to eat, so they're in a pretty desperate hunt for a bright side.
The *wins are waiting as their driver puts gas in the car. The *lyns and *ians are done at last, so they get the clue for the Longest Place Ever and split up. They also have to retrieve their bags, so they're not quite on their way yet. Finally, the *wins arrive at their destination and start running up and down stairs looking for the clue box. Dustin hasn't found any stamps yet, but here comes Kandice to wait at the pit stop. She waves to Phil, who is dancing with the greeter in a moment that is utterly charming. We *heart* Phil. I don't need no Jeff Probst. Kandice tells us that she's going to dance with the locals until Dustin arrives. Dustin finds the car stamp, so she's on her way.
Fast Forward. Kimberly is still throwing up. James is done. "I guess I'm good at something in this damn race," he says.
The *wins run into Dustin, who tries to be noncommittal, but the fact that she's by herself doing something makes it pretty obvious that she and Kandice found the Roadblock clue, so the *wins go to look in the direction she came from. Dustin finds the boat. The *wins find the clue box, and Godwin takes the task for their team. Mary and Dave and Lyn and Karlyn are trying to figure out where they left their clue.
Rob finishes his cow lips, leaving his girlfriend and Tyler as the stragglers.
Finally, the *lyns and *ians get on their way in taxis.
Godwin and Dustin are looking for stamps, and she finds the plane, so she has three out of four now. Finally, Godwin finds the plane. He's on the board!
Erwin joins Kandice on the mat, and she makes the comment, "You need to just go back where you came from." He chooses to take this as funny, which is lucky for her. The two of them chat about the fact that the Fast Forward teams appear not to be here yet. Speaking of whom, Tyler is almost done, and Kimberly is not.
Dustin finds the train stamp, so she's ready to leave. She gets her clue, which sends her to the pit stop.
Tyler: "No team is going to finish a Detour and a Roadblock ahead of us. Rob: "We're going to be so far ahead." James: "Right now, they're probably, like, plowing some field or something, just sweating, hating life." Cut to Dustin, running for a taxi. Heh. I think if I were on a show like this, I would try to give as little material for karmic editing as possible. Dustin gets a cab and leaves. "This is so much fun! I really enjoyed this challenge!" she says, in apparent answer to the "hating life" accusation. James says that they're about to be able to go right to the pit stop. Lucky them!
Mary urges her cab driver on. She tells us that with the position they know they're in, one of the other teams would have to screw up and get at least 30 minutes behind, or she's going to be toast. I think she has accurately described the situation.
Fast Forward teams keep going. Godwin looks for stamps. Tyler is almost done, and Rob thinks he's "a stallion." Hm. Godwin gets his third stamp, so he's close. Kimberly says she needs a break from lip-eating. (If I had a nickel...) They all tell her it's fine, because of the big lead they're going to have. They're golden. So golden! She throws up, feeling a little less than golden.
Commercials. I think what constitutes "Brooklyn-Style Pizza" partly includes not being from Domino's, Domino's.
We return to cow lips. Tyler is done. Kimberly is not, quite.
Erwin and Kandice discuss where the other teams are, and the consensus seems to be that they have no idea, but that it's probably good news. In her cab, Dustin figures that the teams that did the Fast Forward must already be at the pit stop. The teams doing the Fast Forward, meanwhile, are busy cheering on a very green-looking Kimberly. As Kim takes the last bite, Rob is like, "Is my chick awesome or what?" If I knew that eating and throwing up was all it took to be awesome, I would have started trying it a long time ago! The other guys agree that Kimberly is indeed "a machine." And she is done at last, so they all get the clue sending the four of them to the pit stop. They get cabs. In the cab, Rob wants a big smooch. After all that throwing up? Yowza. To quote yet another EEFP, "Kiss me, Pukey!" "The other teams cannot be ahead of us unless they ran a miracle," Tyler says both nonsensically and incorrectly.
Dustin is in the cab. Godwin is getting his last stamp. He gets the clue and heads for the pit stop to be reunited with his co-*win. Dustin's driver has to stop for gas. Hmm. Certainly is a lot of gas-stopping going on. She literally says "Gosh darn it."
Dave and Mary arrive at the Longest Place Ever, and Mary takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn arrive, and Lyn takes it for the team.
The Fast Forwarding teams are on their way to the pit stop, and the Pointies' driver seems to be a little bit lost. Dustin, meanwhile, is just hoping that she isn't in last place. Godwin's driver also needs gas. He's blaming himself, but it certainly needs to be a Thing. Rob and Kimberly grab (almost literally) some locals to help them get to the cathedral. Dustin roots for her car to make it up the hill.
Tension! Drama! Who will arrive ? And it's...Dustin! She and Kandice hop onto the mat and learn that they are team number one. They shriek. They win a trip to Hawaii. Phil tells them that they'll get to go volcano-exploring, too. They hug Phil. The girls are really happy about beating the FF teams, and Phil seems pretty impressed, too. Although some of that has to do with the suck of the FF. Kandice interviews that they're "on a roll." And then, revoltingly, not only does she say that this gives a "stamp of validation," har har, but she accompanies it with a stamping motion on Dustin's knee. Gross.
Mary gets her first stamp. Lyn doesn't have any yet.
Welcome, Tyler and James, you are team number two.
Mary and Lyn are still looking. Mary gives Lyn a tip to where she found the one stamp, and she interviews that she loves her friends, and she's not going to "become a devil just for the money." I'm not sure competing would make you a devil, lady.
Welcome, Pointies, you are team number three. They are not pleased.
Another stamp for Mary.
And now...Godwin approaches the pit stop, finishing by jumping onto the mat and sliding on his belly. Hee hee. Phil looks at the greeter like, "Nice." And then Godwin stands up and asks, "Am I safe?" Heh. Welcome, *wins, you are team number four. I sort of love them, even though they are goofy and bad racers.
Lyn finds a stamp. At the pit stop, Dave talks about how he hopes he won't be sent home. Mary finds her third stamp. Back at the mat, Karlyn says that they stayed together as long as possible, but eventually, they all knew that somebody had to go. Mary gets her last stamp, so she can go to the pit stop. She gets a taxi and goes, waving to the kids. She tells us that seeing kids makes her feel at home, and she misses her kids a lot. Lyn keeps looking. Mary rides along in her cab. Lyn gets her second stamp.
Mary arrives at the pit stop, and she and Dave step on the mat. Phil reminds them that they're going to have to sit out a thirty-minute penalty before they can check in. Mary looks over at Karlyn before noting for the camera that "either we're out or they're out. And I really didn't want to be out."
Lyn finds another stamp. Mary says the *lyns are her best friends. Lyn finds the last stamp and heads for the pit stop. She urges the taxi to go fast. Mary and Dave wait, looking at the ground. Lyn doesn't understand why her driver is...stopping for gas! "If you didn't have gas, you should've told me," she snaps. Mary and Dave talk at the pit stop, and he tells her he's proud of her no matter what happens, and that she did great.
And here comes Lyn, so she and Karlyn step on the mat and are team number five. Dave and Mary walk up to the mat, and Phil explains that they still had 20 minutes left to wait, so they are Philiminated. Dave says that he wanted to win money for his kids, but he's changed anyway. He thinks his kids will be proud. He interviews that he's very proud of Mary for everything. Mary says that the race is the hardest thing ever, and that she really loves the *lyns. Lyn, for her part, says that she hates to see her friends leave. Lyn cries as she tells us that this has been Mary and Dave's first everything, pretty much, and she's really enjoyed their "spunk" and "spirit." She appreciates "the spirit of who they are." The teams share hugs.
Mary tells us that the race made her appreciate how much she loves the place where she's from. But it also made her think that she doesn't need to be stuck in one spot, and she can get out and do things, and she wants to take her kids to see things outside Kentucky. "I don't want my kids to be like me," she says. "I want them to be able to..." "To experience life," Dave finishes with a smile, and Mary agrees. "To experience life, because I never experienced life." Mary calls this not just a new chapter for her, but a "new book." Well done, Mary. You could have been really small-minded, and you're really not. You're just inexperienced, and the fact that you know you don't want that for your kids is wonderful. Don't worry about your kids being like you in any other respect, because in a lot of other respects, they'd be lucky. Yeah, you could ease up on Dave, but I've never bonded through the TV with coal miners and their wives before. I like 'em!
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: You are instructed to cry at videos of Lyn and Karlyn's kids. People get mired in the mud.