In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. We're going to Mauritius! Yes, Mauritius. And how do you get there from Kuwait? Well, through London, silly. The airport drama includes Dustin and Kandice deciding that ticket agents are dumb, followed by their decision to let Tyler and James get tickets with them -- passing up Lyn and Karlyn, who are in line but have not earned the BQs' affection with last week's shoving incident and so forth. The BQs are singularly ungracious, Karlyn enjoyed the sowing much more than she is enjoying the reaping, and Tyler has apparently not learned that non-punk-ness is to godliness. James and Lyn? Embarrassed. Tyler and James spend most of the rest of the leg making various bad decisions, but they catch up over and over. Being the only team who doesn't switch from a haystack/needle Detour to the other one, the BQs land in first place in spite of having had a car accident. Other teams mostly finish in the order in which they bailed on the Detour, bringing the A(AM!)s and Pointies to second and third place, followed by the Six Pack formerly known as the Back Pack, which has become a downright anti-functional unit in which people actively pass up the opportunity to go faster in exchange for going slower, which seems slightly antithetical to the whole "racing" thing. Ultimately, Mary and Dave come in last, but this is another non-elimination leg, so they are saved again. Truthfully, it seems like it's about time for them to go home, but for the moment, they're merely "marked" again. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Kuwait, Kuwait, Don't Tell Me: Everyone headed to Kuwait City, where a climbing Detour freaked some people right out. Dave and Mary needed a first-place finish to avoid a penalty left over from the week's non-elimination, and after the *wins psyched out the BQs to keep them from going for the Fast Forward and sacrificed the chance to go for it themselves, Dave and Mary danced into the fire, Duran Duran-style, and they retrieved the FF and skated into first place. Karlyn decided that locals she asked for directions were not allowed to give directions to anyone else, and that it was acceptable for her to both push the local and push the BQs to keep any information exchange from happening, even after she had what she needed. Peter and Sarah did this season's Lost In The Desert Tango, and they were finally eliminated, at which point she made it quite clear that whatever notion she had ever had that they might be "dating," she was prepared to part with, lest she get stuck having to talk to this guy, like, forever. Now, who will be eliminated... ?
Credits. I have a particular thought that pops into my head every time I see the shot of Sarah riding her bike, and I cannot help it, and I am not going to tell you what it is, because I feel like a bad person. It involves... never mind. Don't judge me! It's involuntary! [BOMP.]
Commercials. I seriously cannot believe how successful Jericho is. I saw that pilot and thought it was the most accidentally funny thing since Gladiator. Which, come to think of it, was Best Picture, so what do I know? At least I was right about Twenty Good Years.
We return to Kuwait, where the Kuwait Towers have been vandalized via Photoshop to contain a highly suspicious glint. A clock says it is almost noon. As we look at beaches and camel, Phil says that this is Kuwait, bordered by Saudi Arabia and Iraq. "On the outskirts" of Kuwait City, the outskirts being where the filming is simpler and most of the pit stops are therefore located, we find ourselves at the water towers that were the pit stop for the last leg. Phil is very simply attired in a button-down and jeans, and he therefore looks much hotter than when he wears the weird sweaters, badly fit pants, and other disasters. But not as hot as when he's in a parka. I love Phil in arctic weather. You know, I feel like I need some kind of Phil-mometer where I can show how hot Phil is this week without having to resort to these comparisons to days past. Anyway, Phil speaks of the mandatory rest period, and then he wonders whether the alliance between the *lyns, *wins, and Dave and Mary (Most Awkwardly Named Alliance Ever -- couldn't Dave and Mary be Finns?) will last.
12:37 AM. Dave and Mary. Mary reads the clue like this: "Fly to the island of Maw-RAH-shee-us." (Well, it's really "flahh to the island," but you get my point.) Phil tells us that she is in fact talking about Mauritius, 4600 miles away. It's its own little country in the Indian Ocean, and when they get there, teams will find a little marked car that will contain their clue. As they run to the car, Mary tells Dave she doesn't know where Mauritius is. And frankly, while I knew it existed, I don't think I could have told you where it was, either, so it's not like I'm judging. I'm not telling you how I did on a recent impromptu geography quiz one of my friends sprung on me, because even after years of this show, I have less geographical sense than a tennis ball. A confused tennis ball. As they get in the car, Mary voices over that she's made all these great friends, and she says, "In a heartbeat, I would sacrifice this race for the friends I've made." I don't know... what that means, really. Does it mean if she could only race or make the friends, she'd keep the friends (sane), or does it mean she would happily give up winning so that one of her friends could win (insane)? I don't think we know. Mary also announces that her alliance is now "the Six Pack," because it was too depressing to be called "the Back Pack," so they think they'll feel better if they're named after beer. "We're a team," Mary says. Yeah, a beer team. As they head into the airport, Dave tells her they need to find "booketing." As much as I try to avoid being all, "That hick is so adorable I could just put him in my pocket!", I have to say: "booketing"? Hee hee. Mary has kind of mastered the pronunciation by the time she gets to the counter, and she asks for the fastest tickets. She learns that the fastest way there is to go via London. London! Yikes. This will get them to Mauritius at 6:50 AM the day. They get their tickets.
3:40 AM. Dustin and Kandice. Dustin reads, "Fly to the island of Morr-i-TEE-us." They run to their car. In an interview, Dustin says that everybody's out for themselves, so it's sort of goofy to say you have an alliance. Of course... it's not goofy if you have an alliance, you know? She says she thinks all the teams will do what's best for them, including hers.
3:53 AM. Pointies. "Morr-IT-ee-us," says Rob. As they put their luggage in the back, he's like, "Morr-IT-ee-us? Never heard of it!" For some reason, I found that hysterically funny, and if I ever went on this show, I would totally use that line constantly. ("Moscow is in Rus-SEE-a? Never heard of it!" "Head to Mon-TREEL? Never heard of it!") Kimberly is giving directions in the car, and she tells us that she's decided it's "time for [her] to take control of the team." I bet Rob was excited to hear that. For the moment, taking control of the team consists of saying, "Make a left." She says in an interview that if she's pushy -- I mean, "assertive" -- enough, Rob will take her word for things and trust her. Rob coos over his kitten, saying that she's thriving under pressure. He's so proud; it's like she's his very own daughter that he makes out with sometimes.
Dustin and Kandice walk into the airport, and Kandice confidently announces that they are trying to get to "Morr-IT-ee-us." I like that she's checked the pronunciation. It's not "Morr-i-TEE-us," it's "Morr-IT-ee-us." Dustin, you dummy. Furthermore, you are a better person than I am if you don't envision Alicia Silverstone saying "Haiti-ans" every time you hear Kandice chirp this particular piece of information. They learn about the flight leaving at 8:00 AM. Rob and Kimberly arrive at the airport . As the BQs discuss their tickets, Kandice is told that their flight to Mauritius connects through London. "Ask him what country that's in," Dustin says. Now, as amusing as it would be if this meant that she doesn't know what country London is in, I think it means she didn't really hear what he said, or didn't connect it with London, England, because she isn't thinking they're going anywhere like that. When they learn that it's London, England, Kandice leans back into the little hole in the Plexiglas and says to the guy, "That's weird." "I don't think this guy understands what we're saying," Dustin says loudly. So she goes over to straighten it out. "Sir," she says, holding up a world atlas and pointing, "We're right here right now? So you're saying we're going to fly up here and then all the way here?" It's true that it's a highly circuitous route, but I don't like the atlas business she's doing, because the airline ticketing guy probably knows where London is and where Mauritius is. Her skepticism doesn't bother me, but her methods are kind of patronizing. The guy clarifies that he is in fact getting them there as quickly as possible, and Dustin walks away, quite clearly convinced that the guy is a moron. "Let's keep looking, D," Kandice says, less snotty but equally convinced. "That doesn't make any sense at all," Dustin declares. I wonder how many direct flights she thinks there are from Kuwait to Mauritius. Not everything is New York-L.A., lady.
Rob and Kimberly and Dave and Mary are both kicking around the airport, and they spot each other. Rob says, "Dave," and Mary declares, "David, we're not going to help them." Rob asks Dave whether they have their tickets, and Dave says, "Yeah, we got our tickets." His failure to say more makes his intent pretty clear. Rob and Kimberly leave. "Whatever," Rob says. "They're not going to help." Dave walks over to Mary and says, "Did you hear him get mad at me?" Wow, I hope she did, because I sure didn't. Mary cackles at the idea that Rob was mad. As Rob and Kimberly go up the escalator, he tells Kimberly that Dave and Mary are "lame," and that he doesn't like dealing with them, or with the *lyns, because "they segregate themselves." Meanwhile, Dave says that Rob and Kim don't talk to them unless they're "in dire need of help." I don't think they're "in dire need" at the moment, really. "We want 'em out, so we're not going to help them," Mary says. It makes me nuts how it seems like all these people are bearing grudges against each other for totally no reason. "We don't like them because they didn't like us first!" I feel like if everyone sat down and said, "I don't have a problem with you. Do you have a problem with me?" everyone would be getting along in five minutes. They should put me in charge of world peace.
Rob and Kimberly continue to mangle the pronunciation, but they find out the same thing about tickets that everyone else has. Rob is surprised by the London connection, too. He asks what the other teams got, and the guy explains that they got these same tickets, so Rob takes them as well. A whole herd can't be wrong!
4:10 AM. Lyn and Karlyn. Karlyn is the first to say she thinks she's heard of it, and it's "a beautiful place." The fact that it's a vacation-ish, resort-ish kind of place suggests that she may be right that she's remembering the right place, so one point for Karlyn's geography knowledge. She goes on to say in an interview that she likes the alliance they're in, but she draws the line at anything that would hurt their chances in the race -- in other words, she's not going to lie down and let somebody go ahead of her. And to that, I say: right on. She follows this with an interesting comment that she tells the other teams in the group not to put themselves to any disadvantage for her, because she wouldn't do it for them. In fact, that's kind of my one rule for alliances if you actually want to stay friends with people and you insist on creating "alliances" with them in the first place. If you're going to have one, you have to make sure everybody is playing by the same rules, which they're not, really, in this case. That's how people wind up getting their feelings hurt -- Mary thinks they have one kind of alliance, and Karlyn thinks they have a different kind of alliance.
4:16 AM. *wins. Erwin interviews that their thought about giving the FF to Dave and Mary is that they might get "a gain later on." He says the more you help other people, the more they're going to help you back. Ha ha ha! Yeah. Nice idea, and it might work on Mary, but that's because she's Mary, and she lives in a very different world than a lot of the rest of the world does. She has a whole weird set of rules where meanness to your husband is over here, and meanness to other people is over there, and how you feel about those two things is absolutely unrelated.
At the airport, Dustin says to Kandice of the ticket guys, "These guys are not the brightest bulbs, so I think we should go... " Kandice is embarrassed that Dustin is saying this about a yard away from the bulbs in question, so she glances at them nervously and shushes. When Dustin tells one of the bulbs she's going to go talk to other people about tickets, he helpfully tells her where to go, but not in the way I'm thinking he'd probably like to. Seriously, girl, you can keep looking without acting like it's because only stupid people work at the Kuwait airport. It's particularly disappointing that someone who has probably been inaccurately referred to as stupid herself wouldn't have learned not to throw that around. Because you know who a lot of people think aren't the brightest bulbs? Miss America contestants.
When the *lyns get to the airport, they run into Dave and Mary, and Mary directs them up the stairs to the ticket counter. When the *wins get there, Mary tells them not to worry too much, because the flight's not leaving for a while. Mary reports that everyone is already at the airport except for James and Tyler.
4:55 AM. Tyler and James, who get "Mauritius" right on the first try. Clearly, it has something to do with drugs or modeling. They do not, however, know where it is. That would tend to suggest it has to do with drugs. In an interview, Tyler says that he thinks the alliance business is "a house of cards," because ultimately, they're all out for themselves, and it's kind of got to break down sometime.
Dustin and Kandice find yet another counter, and Kandice says again that they're trying to get to "Morr-IT-ee-us," which I find hilarious, because apparently, none of the guys at the counter felt that it was worth their while to help her with the pronunciation, as people often will. Wonder why that happened. When this guy, too, tells them that it's going to be the connection through London, Dustin is like, "That's the quickest?" Now that she's heard it twice, she finally agrees to buy the tickets. Don't get me wrong -- I have no problem with her skepticism about having to connect through London, and I don't blame her at all for checking with more than one person. What was obnoxious was her assumption that the problem was that other people were clearly stupid. I think this is a team that could use a little bit of a humility check, which they haven't had too much of. I think they'd be better off if they came in last or something. Not that they haven't come in almost last a couple of times. Maybe humility doesn't stick to them. Maybe they just feel like they're blessed to be in the top ten, well ahead of Miss Delaware.
So Lyn and Karlyn come and stand in line behind the BQs. Meanwhile, Tyler and James arrive at the airport and head for the ticket counter. When they pop their heads inside the little office where the BQs and *lyns are waiting, the BQs greet them. Lyn and Karlyn are sitting on the ground waiting, and Tyler and James are standing there waiting, and Kandice says to the ticket agent, "You know what, for these guys right here, can we get them on the 8:00 AM with us?" Lyn and Karlyn immediately protest that you can't book flights for other teams. Tyler points out that nobody's buying tickets for anyone else. In an interview, Kandice says that this was specifically "not in [their] best interests" to help the guys, but they were trying to get rid of the *lyns. Dustin says they've felt tension with the *lyns throughout the race -- and you'll remember, Karlyn actually physically pushed them in the last leg. I would, I'd point out, love to see what would have happened if someone pushed Karlyn the way she pushed someone else last week, you know? Because I think there would be quite a dust-up. Dustin goes on to say the *lyns are not warm, and they "don't give anyone on this race the warm fuzzies." It's curious, because I think she knows about their alliance, but I think she's referring to the other teams that remain, as well as probably some of the teams that have left.
The ticket guy hands the BQs their tickets, and the says, "He's with you?" "They're with us," the BQs confirm. The *lyns protest, saying that they are . Kandice says simply that the boys are with them. The *lyns insist that the guys are not with the *lyns and that the *lyns are . Karlyn is not, I'm quite sure, making a lot of points with the ticket guy by leaning over the counter to argue so aggressively that she has her hands between him and his computer screen. "She's being really pushy right now," one of the BQs notes, and Karlyn raises her voice, insisting that she's not the one being pushy when the BQs just put the boys in line ahead of them. "Well, we're helping them out," Kandice says simply. "You can't do that," Lyn snaps, her voice substantially more elevated than anyone else's, and I think that's what's making the ticket guy not like her, if I were guessing. Poor Ticket Joe is pretty much the only one I feel sorry for, because he's getting yelled at by Karlyn and prodded by the BQs, and the only thing he wants is in the world right now is for all of these people to leave.
Meanwhile, of course, the *wins find another ticket counter, which kind of makes the entire other smackdown look stupid. They get the same tickets through London as everyone else. As the BQs walk away from the confrontation with the *lyns, Dustin says that she doesn't really care, because she can't miss a friendship with the *lyns that wasn't there to begin with. See? "They didn't like us first!" It's the saddest kind of arguing.
Karlyn has decided not to drop the argument, but to continue to argue with Ticket Joe. "Do you think that was right for them to push them in front of us, and you... you do what you need to do." Ticket Joe keeps working. "If you can live with that on your conscience." Live with... what? Giving somebody else tickets before you? You're asking Ticket Joe whether he can live with giving one set of people he doesn't know tickets before another set of people he doesn't know? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Ticket Joe will survive. Five minutes after you're gone, he's not going to care, because his day is not about your problems. It's about serving you, but it's not about things that have nothing to do with his job, of which your position in a competition is one. Tyler takes offense, I think, at the way Karlyn is taking this out on Ticket Joe, and he says, "You guys are trippin'." "If it was reversed, though," Karlyn quite rightly points out as Lyn stands at the counter, looking like she wants to be swallowed by the carpet. Tyler tries to talk: "They didn't -- they didn't -- " He clearly intends to finish with repeating that the BQs didn't actually buy their tickets. Karlyn cuts Tyler off by waving her hands right in his face, continuing with her "If it was reversed, though." Because Karlyn is waving her hands in his face, which is disrespectful and which Karlyn would hate if it happened to her, Tyler makes the incredibly mature decision to wave his hands back at her while repeating that the BQs didn't buy their tickets -- thus, I think, not actually violating the rules. Karlyn just wants Tyler to admit that he'd be mad if the situation were reversed, and he says he would be, of course, but he'd "have to swallow the pill." When the boys continue talking, Karlyn turns away from them and puts her hand up over her shoulder, palm facing them, all, "I'm not listening to you."
This is just so transparent, you know? Karlyn is angry because she's frustrated and can't do anything, and because she doesn't think it's fair, and even though the BQs are the ones who are more in the wrong, the BQs aren't there, so she's taking it out on everybody else. Tyler, on the other hand, knows that what he's doing is kind of sketchy, so he feels defensive and doesn't want to hear about it, so he's overreacting right back. They're both wrong. Ta-da!
Tyler can't drop it any more than Karlyn can, of course, and he says, "It's so stupid, it's like idiot banter." Yow. Rather ridiculously, Karlyn takes the tack of suggesting he is the only one making this all happen: "If you didn't do anything wrong, why are you talking about it?" MAN, I hate it when people do that. They attack you, and then when you say anything in return, they're like, "I'm done. I've dropped it. Why aren't you dropping it?" That is the most infuriating fucking thing... I don't blame him for being pissed off at this point. He's talking about it, Karlyn, because you started a fight about it by harassing Ticket Joe, and then by waving your hands at him, and yelling at everybody. Karlyn can claim a lot of things about this argument, but certainly not that he was the only one who kept it going. Sticking your hand in someone's face to make them stop talking doesn't constitute trying to gracefully end an argument, in case she hasn't noticed. What I love is that Lyn leans over and says to Tyler, "Then why be an idiot and join the banter?" Hee. See, Karlyn should leave the arguing to Lyn, who knows how to conserve her resources and wait for her one good opportunity. And then Tyler goes into this "yap yap yap" motion with his hands, which isn't even particularly accurate or funny, and up to this point, I kind of felt like he was more in the right, but now, they just both suck and need to shut up. What's fascinating to me is his comment: "This is the most you've talked the whole trip, so whatever." Karlyn is still repeating her "if you're not worried about it" mantra. And then she, after holding up her hand in his face and repeatedly questioning him about why he's still talking, says that he can't tell her not to talk. "I can say what the hell I want to say," she says. "Say something smart, then." I certainly don't think his behavior during that discussion gives him any room to advocate intelligent conversation, but I will say that she was being really obnoxious, and I really think her efforts to make it some kind of moral showdown with Ticket Joe were what started that entire thing.
But it's also interesting that Tyler said basically the same thing Rob said about "segregating themselves," which is very similar to some of what Dustin and Kandice have said. These people don't like Lyn and Karlyn partly -- not exclusively, but partly -- because they don't feel like they talk to anyone. We don't like them, but they didn't like us first! It's a damn epidemic.
Anyway, commercials. Now, Duracell is taking credit for firefighting. All righty.
When we return, we see the tail end of the fight, and then Tyler is out in the hallway, apparently post-ticket-buying, saying that the *lyns are complaining about rules, "which is crap because they're just jealous." And then he and James crack up, so I did take that as something of a joking use of the "y'all are just jealous!" refrain that's become something of a catchphrase (heavily, but not exclusively, on the American Idol boards, where it is usually employed without irony), not that this changes the fact that Tyler had plenty of real dick moments during that discussion. In fact, as he's on his way out of the office, tickets in hand, he can't resist yelling out, "Bye, guys," which is so unnecessarily prickish that James tells him to knock it off. Meanwhile, Karlyn is also still being obnoxious, telling Ticket Joe, "I hope you feel good about what you did," as Lyn loses patience and says to her, "Leave him alone." Karlyn goes on about how it wasn't right, and Lyn waits for her to be quiet, and then says to Ticket Joe, "I need the fastest flight to Mauritius." I wish she and James could have gone for coffee after that happened, leaving Tyler and Karlyn in time-out. The *lyns get their tickets.
So after all that, all the teams are on their way to Mauritius on the same route, connecting through London. (Amazing Yellow Line: "Oy.") In Mauritius, the teams hop off the plane and start looking for the marked cars. Tyler and James comment on the very nice weather they're having. When they get to a car, they find a model boat that says, "Swim to me." And the boat is called "Isla Maurita." As Phil explains, they have to figure out (!) that this is a real boat anchored in Grand Bais. Really? They have to figure something out, rather than just "drive here"? Shocking! As Tyler and James get going, they're having a little trouble remembering what side of the road to drive on. It turns out that they have left the airport, however, with absolutely no idea where they're going. They start to wonder, once on the road, whether that was the best idea. James thinks a hotel might know where the thing is, but Tyler isn't sure where a hotel would be. See, I would have tried someone at the airport, knuckleheads. I swear, they would leave a Walgreens and drive to a hardware store to buy tampons.
The *lyns and BQs are getting in their cars as well. Karlyn wants to drive out to the street and see if someone knows where this boat is. "So we're not waiting on Mary and Dave?" Lyn asks. "No," Karlyn says. "We don't have time to 'wait.'" Mary, on the other hand, is headed out to the parking lot and telling Dave they need to find their group. The BQs think the clue is "cool." The Pointies are out and driving. The BQs think they might be able to ask some guys who are standing around whether they know what the boat is. The Pointies are right behind them. Dave comments that he and Mary are waiting on the *wins, who now emerge -- last, as usual -- from the airport. Meanwhile, Lyn is out on the road stopping to talk to a guy who tells her that the boat is on the north side of Grand Bais. When Dustin gets directions, she seems to think "Grand Bais" is something called "Grumby." The surliest clay toy ever, no doubt. Rob and Kimberly have no idea what the guy said, but they're following the BQs. The *wins and Dave and Mary find out from the same guys that the boat is at Grand Bais. Mary reminds us as she and Dave drive that she's afraid of fish. Dave, on the other hand, says that he's afraid of water in general, because when he was five years old, his cousin got the genius idea of throwing him in a lake to "teach" him to swim. This has "traumatized" him about swimming. Mary calls his a pretty common "rite of passage" where they're from, throwing kids in the water to make them swim. Sounds like a great idea. I also like to throw them through windshields to make them wear seatbelts, and I've heard that if you throw them out of trees, they can learn to fly. What do you think made Phil the person he is today?
Tyler and James know they're looking for a boat, but other than that, they have no idea what they're doing. I'm not sure this was a great plan, myself. Elsewhere, Lyn is saying she wished they'd had a way of letting Mary and Dave and the *wins know that they left, presumably in case they're still waiting. "Why?" Karlyn asks, totally baffled. "Just courtesy," Lyn says. That's kind of what I meant about having common rules. You don't want one team thinking they're going ahead and other teams thinking you're waiting for each other, unless you want a very unhappy alliance very quickly.
The BQs are enjoying the scenery, but they are not enjoying the fact that they're being followed around by the Pointies. Meanwhile, Kimberly is wondering how much the BQs are willing to help them. Heh. Nice contrast. I'd say, not much. Rob is skeptical, returning to the theme of the week, which is that "it's pretty much everybody for themselves." The *wins have caught up to the Pointies, and they notice that Kim doesn't look too happy to see them. Dave and Mary, obviously, are very happy to see everyone.
Not so happy are Tyler and James, who finally stop to ask someone where the boat is and find out that they basically went in exactly the wrong direction. The tampons went that-a-way!
The *lyns look to be the first to get to where the boats are, but they can't figure out where to park. Other teams start to arrive, and they worry much less about parking properly. Once the BQs are stopped, we are "treated" to a little subplot about them changing into their swimsuits. Ta-da! I know I feel better. That was one of the major pieces of the puzzle that I was missing. "How will Dustin and Kandice change their clothes? HOW?" People start to get life vests on for the swim out to the big boat. They're also given shoes they have to wear, because the rocks are very sharp. The Pointies and the BQs wind up being the first teams into the water. The *wins and *lyns follow, and then Mary and Dave. "Lord have mercy, there's fish!" Mary says. I think Mary's hope for a fishless bay may have been a little optimistic.
Meanwhile, Tyler and James are in traffic. They are Currently In Last Place.
Several of the teams, it turns out, are not strong swimmers. As if Mary's fear of fish weren't enough, her life vest is also not on right, because it's stuck up around her ears and, if anything, is keeping her from swimming. Kim is first up onto the boat, then Dustin, and because Kandice beats Rob, the BQs are the first to get their clue. They are cautioned to open it only when they have returned to shore. I think that's partly so as to not get it wet. Rob and Kimberly get their clue , then the *wins. The *wins take a minute on the boat to rest as Mary and Dave and the *lyns approach. It's interesting -- for guys whose guns are that big, they didn't survive the swimming all that well. Whole lot of gym strength, those guys. RUH!
Tyler and James are still confused as to exactly where they are, but James says he's trying to be positive. Hammers, nails, wrenches... tampons have to be here somewhere!
Lyn and Karlyn get to the boat first, then Dave and Mary. The *lyns leave while Dave and Mary -- particularly Mary -- are still taking a breather. Mary is undoubtedly very grateful that she made it the whole way without being eaten by a fish. Finally, she and Dave head back.
When the BQs return to land, they open a clue that Phil explains requires them to drive 49 miles to Case Noyale and find the post office, where they'll get another clue. They pile into the car, and the Pointies initially are following. The BQs chuckle in the car about how weak the *lyns and Mary and Dave looked swimming, and Dustin's all, "Where's your Six Pack now?" Eh. I understand that they're frustrated, but that strikes me as not necessary. Like, we get that they're not as in shape as you, beauty queens, so I think it's a little gratuitous to rub it in. Seeing a couple of young hotties all, "Look at those out of shape people" isn't particularly pleasant, if you ask me.
When the *wins get their clue -- nice-looking boys without their shirts, incidentally -- they stop to look at a map. As they're looking, Tyler and James are approaching in their car at last. The A(AM!)s are a little surprised to see the *wins out of the water without the rest of the group. "I thought you were going to Six Pack it all the way here," says Tyler. In an interview, James says that it's obvious to him that the *wins are aligning themselves with weaker teams in order to make it easier at the end. I don't think that's actually true. I think it's just very hard for most people to imagine anyone would legitimately take the sort of hand-holding approach on the theory that it's going to help them later. Tyler and James hop into the water. Back at the car, the *wins are waiting -- waiting -- for Mary and Dave and the *lyns to be done. Godwin carefully says in an interview, "A bitter and cynical person might think we're keeping them around because they're quote-unquote 'weaker' than the other teams. But if we stick together, we can be stronger than those who tend to fend for themselves only." And I'm going to go with... "Not." I'm a bitter and cynical person, certainly, at least some of the time, and I still don't think that's their plan. I just think this theory Godwin is explaining, which I consider sincere, is wacky as all hell. You might get by with an alliance like this early in the game, but with six teams left, you just can't travel in a group of three teams. The odds of it harming you are just way too great.
The BQs are being followed by the Pointies, and for the second time this episode, they're distracted from the matter at hand by their preoccupation with other teams, as they start talking about how they're going to "lose them."
The so-called "Six Pack" is reunited on the shores of Grand Bais. Out on the boat, Tyler and James are climbing up to get their clue and heading back. Not only did the *wins lose time waiting for their "friends," but now, they're having to sit in their car, as are Mary and Dave, while Lyn and Karlyn go and get their car from whatever inconvenient place they're parked. Meanwhile, Tyler hassles James to hurry up on the swimming. "You want to go home?" he demands to know. "No [sir]!" James yells. "Let's catch 'em!" Tyler hollers. He's so motivational!
The Alliance That's Well Past Its Expiration Date leaves as a group, trailed by Tyler and James, who suddenly aren't far behind. Bitter and cynical, but speedy.
The BQs? Still obsessing over the Pointies following them. It gets resolved when they go one way to the post office, and the Pointies think it's the wrong way, so they don't follow. "We're happy to be on our own," the BQs say, and all of a sudden, they're really striking me kind of snotty. If you know you're out in front, what's it off your nose if somebody is driving behind you, you know?
We briefly check in on the *wins, and then it's the A(AM!)s, who notice that they're not doing well. "This road just dead-ends," Tyler says. He complains about how lost they are. They run into a couple of bus drivers, who tell them that they're going the wrong direction and need to turn around. "We never get it right," Tyler mutters. "We didn't really go the wrong way; we just missed our turn," James says, looking on what is, at the very least, the bright side. "Which means you went the wrong way," a very pissy Tyler comes back. "Well, yeah," James agrees, "we're not going the right way." It's funny how the right way becomes the wrong way as soon as you miss your turn. James interviews that Tyler gets "snickety" about the navigating (heh), but that he knows Tyler only does it because he wants James to do a great job with navigating. I think that is overly sunny, outlook-wise, but who am I to argue with a boy who's being hopeful, right? ["You can't talk sense to people with abusive boyfriends anyway. Poor, poor James." -- Joe R]
But in even more dire news, Rob and Kimberly's car comes to a stop by some railroad tracks, and he can't get it back in gear. He complains that he can't get it in gear, and Kimberly's all, "You have a green light." He knows this, heh. He can't. Drive. The car. People begin to lean on their horns, and boy, would I hate this. This is the part where I would curl up into a fetal position until it was over. I have enough trouble in traffic as it is. He tries to tell them to go around, but the road is too narrow. She starts in with a string of "don't give up" pep talks, which have the effect of making him even angrier. "Just do this," she orders. "No, you do it," he says, hopping angrily out of the car, all pointy and enraged. "Babe, don't give up right now," she pleads. What will happen? Will they quit the race? This is so suspenseful!
Commercials. Shut up, Tom Cruise.
When we return, Rob still can't get the car in gear. Elsewhere, the BQs are talking about how great it is to be in the front. And then Dustin runs their car into the back of a bus. Seriously. Well, kind of into the corner of a bus. Crunch! They get out and see that they've really crunched the front left part of the car. I think that partly has to do with driving on the other side, and it being really hard to judge the space you have when you're completely differently situated than usual. But it also has to do with being a little too aggressive and feeling your oats on a day when you're racing well.
Funny music inspired by elves having an emergency starts to play as Rob and Kimberly continue to struggle with their car, which is stuck on the road and blocking traffic. So that's happening at the same time that Dustin and Kandice are talking to either a police officer or the bus driver they hit, giving their information. ("That's V-A-N M-U-N-S-T-E-R.") Ultimately, they get on their way, and Dustin informs us that she's never even had a speeding ticket until right now. Well, she picked a good time, huh? Rob and Kimberly's car trouble is also not over, as they push their car off the road with the help of a couple of locals, who may also want to drive somewhere and therefore need to move the car out of the way. The *wins drive by and see all this happening, and they offer a friendly but noncommittal "That sucks for Rob and Kim." Karlyn, on the other hand, says, "I'm not sympathetic to their plight right now." There's a surprise. Friendly and helpful as she always is? Hard to believe. Dave and Mary note the situation as well, as does Rob, who saw everyone pass him.
Tyler and James are still driving.
Dustin and Kandice get to the post office first and retrieve their clue. It announces a Detour in which the choices are Salt and Sea, the latter of which Phil claims has something to do with Mauritius's "old-time link to pirates." I think you will agree that said connection is quite tenuous. In Salt, you go and hunt through a giant pile of salt for a shaker that contains a red bean. I mean, a clue. In Sea, you walk to a dock, choose a boat and a driver, and head for a small island where they'll use a treasure map to find a rack of sails. (Arrr!) They'll then take one and sail back. The BQs decide to go with the Sea, partly because you get a captain to manage the boat. They don't think endlessly searching salt piles sounds good. At least not without a margarita glass. (I realize you've all heard plenty of margarita jokes, but when there's an enormous pile of salt, you have to forgive me.)
Rob and Kimberly switch to a new car, and Phil explains about the mechanical breakdowns and the rule and the lack of a time credit for this unlucky situation.
The BQs get in a boat and head off in search of the Sea Detour. Rob and Kim are still accompanied by elf music as they look in vain for the post office. "It's hard to enjoy the scenery when you're, like, stressed out," he observes. "Yeah, but this isn't a vacay," Kim snots. "This is a competition." Thus, no looking at scenery, asshole! I'm always shocked how many people who don't suck use the word "vacay," because it sounds to me like something that people who suck would say, and almost none of the people I know who say it suck.
The Pointies roll down the window and ask directions. They get no help. "Great help, dude. You guys are awesome," Rob mumbles to himself. Hee. When you do that to the person, it pisses me off, but honestly, I'd probably feel the same way. I talk to people who can't hear me constantly, mostly about how much I hate them. I did this today: "Of course there's no one in the office of my apartment complex when I want to pick up a package. Why would someone be in the office, just because it's office hours. WHY?" I would have done well to stop at "you guys are awesome."
The Expired Alliance arrives at the post office and collects clues. Initially, there is some disagreement, with Mary and one of the *lyns wanting to go with Sea, but the *wins want to go for Salt, and they all wind up deciding to stick together and hit the Salt option. I would not do that, ever. I hate those things, and I'd get so frustrated, I can't imagine.
Tyler and James are finally approaching the post office, and they're coming as the Expired Alliance is going. To my surprise, the A(AM!)s choose to go for Salt, which... what? Why? I suppose they could argue that their complete lack of navigational skills might be a reason, but it doesn't seem compelling to me. I can't imagine risking being the person who can't find the damn salt shaker. They're also not happy about being behind the Expired Alliance. Fortunately, if they wait, the Expired Alliance will probably line up and shoot itself in all twelve feet with one shot, so it won't last.
Meanwhile, the BQs are enjoying their boat ride. In fact, they lie down in their boat for a while, which... why not, you know? If you're just waiting to get somewhere, you might as well make it quality relaxation. They've certainly mastered the appearance of occasional moments of being laid back.
The Expired Alliance arrives at the enormous piles of salt, and I already hate this Detour. Ugh. All the teams start to look, but none of them particularly seem to have a plan. I would think if you were going to do this, you would at least have to find a way to do it somewhat methodically, so that you weren't just endlessly pushing the same salt around. Shortly thereafter, Tyler and James arrive, so now we have four teams digging in salt piles. Mary calls Dave over quietly, asking him to look at something for her. It turns out that she has a salt shaker, but... it's full of pepper. No clue. "Guys, it's not in every shaker," Mary calls out. Aaack. Even worse! In the imaginary race in my head, I am totally not choosing this Detour option.
Finally, Rob and Kimberly find the post office. She rubs her face in frustration, and he hears her groan or something, because he says, "Kimberly, stop!" and this sets off an entire exchange about how she's allowed to be frustrated and shut up and stop it and boy, oh boy, do they sound like a couple of chickens pecking at each other. They could seriously be in The Music Man. They run into the post office and get their clue. Even reading the Detour options causes them to fight, and he's getting overly calm and patronizing, which you can tell she hates, and he tells her to chill out, which she also hates, and then as they're running to the car, he falls down. Awesome! I love it when really stressed people do physical comedy without meaning to. "What are you doing?" she asks angrily. "I just fell!" he says. I really would have liked it if he'd said, "I'm rolling around on the ground, genius, what do you think I'm doing?" They get in the car, and she thinks he threw the clue at her, and this is beyond delightful. I would be expected to mean that sarcastically, but I'm totally sincere.
The BQs land on the beach and use their map to head into the trees on the island.
Rob and Kimberly arrive at the salt, and they're pleased to see that other teams are there. They quickly see, though, that it looks like it's going to be a seriously bad deal. Over on the island, the BQs aren't having any great immediate luck with the hunt for the sails, either. But back at Salt, Kim tells Rob that with all these teams here, they'd have a good shot at doing well if they went to the other Detour. When he hesitates, she makes the call, and they leave. When they're gone, James wants to leave, too, but Tyler wants to persevere. They decide to leave too, though, so they take off, leaving the Expired Alliance alone at the Salt. Rather hilariously, at this same time, we see the BQs discussing whether to abandon the hunt on the island and go do the Salt. Yipes. I'm not sure I've ever seen both Detours being discussed as abandonable by different teams at the same time, let alone seen practically everyone hating whatever they chose.
Rob and Kim, then Tyler and James, hop into boats to go to the island.
Members of the Expired Alliance begin to have doubts about the Salt as well. The *wins are all about leaving, and so are the *lyns. But Dave doesn't want to leave, apparently on principle. "I'm not a quitter," he says. Ultimately, the *wins and *lyns take off together, and Dave and Mary are left as the only team doing the Salt. Mary assures us in a voice-over that she didn't have any hard feelings about the other two teams leaving without them. When the other teams are gone, Dave and Mary start bickering, and she says that they're "going to be the stupid couple that stays out here all night long and don't find the thing and then gets eliminated because of it."
Commercials. Ron Livingston!
When we return, Dave has decided that if Mary wants, they can go, although now, it makes much less sense. I mean, the situation they're in is bad either way, but if you switch now, you know you're behind a bunch of other people, while if you stay, you can at least hope to get lucky. I disagree with switching, I think, when you know you're the last one to do it. They don't leave quite yet.
Dustin and Kandice find the sails across a clearing. They run toward them. And as they run... Kandice falls into a big hole covered with brush. Dude, I have no idea whose idea that was, but it's awesome. It's a trap for absolutely no reason. Kandice chooses to say she feels "like Indiana Jones," and that it was cool. Hee. I do not think Indiana Jones would run around dressed like that.
The *wins and *lyns climb into boats and head for the island. Meanwhile, the BQs return to their boat and attach the sail, at which point they get the clue, which tells them to drive 12 miles to the pit stop, which is at Chateau Bel Ombre. (Please note: Phil says that with one syllable in the last word. It's not "hombre" in the chili cook-off sense.) Last team to check in might be out. As the BQs head back, they're passing other teams, but they don't seem to realize it at first. In fact, they're concerned that nobody else seems to have done the Sea task.
Tyler and James make their way into the woods. Rob and Kim, whose boat was slower, are just behind them.
And at Salt, Mary says it's time to go, because they're in last place, so it doesn't matter. She blames him for wanting to stay when everyone else left, and he makes it clear that he thinks she's a quitter.
Finally, the BQs realize that there are other teams. They see the *wins and call out to them, with no response. They even call out "Hey, Bama," sounding pretty friendly, but they again get nothing. Of course. Why mend fences when you can keep being pissed, right? "There's not a friendly bone in her," says a BQ about Karlyn. I'm sure that's completely untrue, but I'll tell you... it feels true.
Tyler and James are looking for the sails, following the map past sketchy landmarks like the Rusty Shack. I think I've had a beer there. Rob and Kim are looking as well, but they actually find the masts first. She is the one to drop into the trap, and he's like, "Oh, no!" (As opposed to "What are you doing?" which I wish he had said.) She crawls out, and they carry the mast. Tyler and James are not as lucky yet, and James is muttering that they should have stayed. Tyler wants him to be quiet. Rob and Kim open the clue for the pit stop, and they see the *wins and *lyns arriving.
The *wins and *lyns land and start hunting. "I feel like Hansel and Gretel," Karlyn mutters. Hee. Meanwhile, Dave and Mary are getting into a boat to head out. They see the BQs, who exchange friendly greetings with them. The BQs note that of the Expired Alliance, Dave and Mary are the ones they like. "Last place, no doubt," Mary mutters defeatedly. There's not much doubt about whose fault she thinks that is, either. The BQs get back to shore and take off for the pit stop, just glad that their injured car will still run.
Tyler and James find the sails, and then the trap to fall into, and they also find it kind of hilarious. The *wins and *lyns haven't found it yet, but they're working together. And then, as Tyler and James are leaving in their boat, they see Dave and Mary landing. Mary is very much at her worst here, all "Listen to you and get lost," blaming him for everything. I have to say, she's the one who wanted to stick with the group, she's the one who went along with Salt against her better judgment... she can't really blame Dave for any of this, I don't think, but there she is anyway.
The Pointies and the A(AM!)s are on their way to the pit stop. Tyler and James trash talk the Expired Alliance a bit, which I forgive only because they were so far behind earlier in the day. I'm sure they're fairly surprised to find themselves in this position.
So the entire Expired Alliance finds itself reunited in the woods, hunting for the sails. It just doesn't seem like this alliance is helping them all very much.
BQs, Pointies, and A(AM!)s heading for the pit stop. They are all, of course, looking for "Chateau Bel Hombre," which is Span-French for "Pretty Cowboy House," if I'm not mistaken. As much fun as that sounds like, they're supposed to be looking for Chateau Bel Ombre. Rob and Kimberly get the bad news from a rather sexy gentleman with a British accent that they're going the wrong way, and they need to go back down the hill they've been climbing. I think I would just stop and have some tea with that guy, but they take his advice and head back down the hill. Meanwhile, the BQs arrive at the gates and then run to the mat, where Phil is waiting, Welcome, BQs, you are team number one. And you win a pair of scooters! Phil points out that the scooters are good on small streets or even on the highway, and they can carry a passenger. "So you guys can... take a date out if you want." "Can I take you, Phil?" Dustin asks. "Um," says Phil. Hey, you can't blame a girl for trying. He did kind of bait her, although my general rule against hitting on the host still applies. Dustin says they're very happy about having won a leg, and now it's one leg at a time. Well, that is how you'd get on the scooter, anyway.
Welcome, A(AM!)s, you are team number two. "Back on top," they happily agree, even though it's... not true.
The Expired Alliance heads gets back to its boats and opens the pit stop clues.
Welcome, you pointy Pointies. You are team number three. Given the day they've had, they are very pleased. I am glad to see that with these two, as much as they fight, it doesn't seem to stick. It seems like once it's over, nobody's mad anymore.
Here comes the Expired Alliance. They're going to finish at the end, and one of them is going to be last. They basically know this. They all get into their cars to drive to the pit stop. In the *wins' car, Godwin points out that when they're approaching the pit stop, everybody's going to run, and it's going to have to be a "no hard feelings" situation, because what else would you do? Well, you'd do what Mary apparently wants to do as she says, "When I get parked, I'm going to wait on the Bama girls." Oy, Mary. In her car, Karlyn says she doesn't expect anyone to wait for her going to the pit stop -- she certainly wouldn't wait for them.
These teams seem to be asking for directions separately, at least some of the time, and eventually, the *lyns decide there's too much stopping, and they drive on ahead. Nobody takes offense, but it turns out that they're driving to the wrong place anyway. In all the driving around, Mary and Dave ultimately peel off of the other two teams. It turns out that the ones going the right way are... the *lyns and *wins, who are at the Chateau Bel Ombre, when Mary and Dave are... not, so much.
In the footrace to the mat, the *wins get there first, so they are team number four. A very unhappy Lyn and Karlyn follow, and they are team number five. Phil comments that they "look a little beaten up." Karlyn says, "Well, we know six is , and we know who six is." Aww.
Indeed, six is Dave and Mary, who are straggling into the pit stop as they have a way of doing. Welcome, Dave and Mary. You are the last team to arrive. But... you are not eliminated. Again. You are subject to the same penalty as last time, which is that if you're not first, you have a 30-minute penalty. "We can come back," Mary insists. Phil calls it their "second chance," and I do believe it's actually... their third chance. We observe a group hug among the Expired Alliance. "There's no doubt in my mind, we've got an alliance to go to the final three," she says. Oh, Mary. Mary, Mary, I fear you are going to get your heart broken, Mary. I know you won't show it, and I know you will say you understand, but I know your little heart will break. And then you and David will be Coalminer And Wife Who's Sorry She Ever Ventured Out Into The Big Mean World, and I just don't know what I'll do about that.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Something called the "Intersection." Whatever the heck that means. More fighting, probably.