In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. With Dave and Mary's backs against the wall after their non-elimination penalty from last week, their buddies the *wins decide to help them get the Fast Forward and hopefully get out of danger. That part works, but the *wins briefly look like they may pay a steep price for it. Several teams spend stretches of this leg in very hot water, but surprisingly, by the end, it's Peter and Sarah battling it out with a struggling Tyler and James, who are having their second bad leg in a row. In the end, Peter and Sarah's rotten navigation skills drop them to the back, and they are mercifully eliminated. Considering that they clearly have developed a deep and abiding dislike of each other over the course of the race, it's a welcome departure. To the great relief of many of those watching her, Sarah sacks up on the mat and tells Phil that Peter, while he is a driven person, is not very nice, and she's looking for a much nicer person. Not since Lenny and Karyn in season one has a couple been so thoroughly done with each other by the time they land on the mat. I think Alison and Donny's chances of spending time together were better than Peter and Sarah's. She really did catch on, and it was a major relief. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on How's My Driving? Oh, Okay, Sorry: Peter tried to align with Dustin and Kandice, because the blonde he was already with was such a drag. Lots of airport strategy eventually got the teams to India, where they Detoured with crocodiles and art and Roadblocked with a requirement that they obtain an Indian driver's license. James and Tyler lagged, and they undoubtedly learned something about how to handle it from their long experience with addiction. Dave and Mary fell behind and never recovered, and we learned that the rules had changed, because they did come in last, but they did not get eliminated, but they did get to keep their underwear. It is this kind of suspense that packs the show with drama. What will happen to everyone's unmentionables, and who will be eliminated... ?
Credits. If Sarah punched Peter in the stomach in the credits, that would get the show off to a much merrier start, is my opinion. I would never advocate violence under normal circumstances, but Peter is not an example of "normal circumstances." She has an advantage, because she's shorter than he is, and she could totally land a punch right in his solar plexus before he could do anything about it. He might even throw up. Go, Sarah! [BOMP.]
Commercials. I'm fascinated by the attempt to sell a Survivor clip show as something positive. Special scenes! Great scenes! Scenes so good we didn't bother including them the first time! Don't watch the World Series! This is going to be so good! Maybe Jeff will smirk! More!
"This is Chennai, India," says Phil. "Damn straight," notes a woman going by on a bike. It turns out that Chennai is "also known as The Gateway To South India." To my surprise, Google confirms that this is not something Phil made up. It sounds like something he would make up. I have a feeling he would call my kitchen the gateway to my dining room. Which it is, technically, but I try not to call it that, lest people think I'm pretentious. And at the edge of Chennai is the pit stop, a "grand royal palace" that has been there since 1934. Or, as India would say, "last week." Phil wonders whether Dave and Mary -- "marked for elimination" -- can overcome the effects of their penalty. You will remember that we were told that unless Dave and Mary come in first this week, they'll have to serve a half-hour penalty at the end of the leg.
12:54 PM. Peter and Sarah. There's something wonky about this pit stop, because they certainly did not arrive at 12:54 AM -- they arrived in the middle of the day. But anyway, wearing their matching Ass-Kicking Intimidation Goggles, Peter and Sarah open their clue and find that they have been given a little Nokia phone of that's playing video of Phil. It's very strange, because they don't name Nokia or the particular phone, so I'm suspicious that perhaps Nokia's check bounced. In the video, Phil instructs them to go to Kuwait City and "find the following location." There is a shot of the Kuwait Towers. A clue! A clue! That they have to figure out! That doesn't just say "Go here, dummy!" Doesn't that just bring back memories of... well, okay, pretty much the first season only, but... still! Phil Phils in that the first thing the teams will have to do is buy airline tickets to Kuwait, which is a 2400-mile trip. When they get there, they'll hop in a marked SUV and go. As Peter and Sarah leave the mat, he assures us that he's "confident that [they're] going to continue to do well." He says that on their worst day, they're better than some of these teams. It would be great if they could proceed to have their worst day and see whether they really are better. I would applaud that, as a development. Peter also says that he's trying not to push Sarah too much, given her busted knee. Sarah says that in the leg, she was frustrated about not being able to keep up, and she was very aware of how hard he was pushing. And she also tells us with her mind that she hates him, but she's not going to go into that right now, so you have to read it on her face. They get a cab. The cab driver's mind is like, "Word, sister."
1:06 PM. Dustin and Kandice. They seem a little more excited about the Nokia phone than is really called for. That level of joy is really only available from a phone if it happens to be on vibrate. As the leave the mat, Dustin (I think) interviews that when you do well, other teams are always jealous. Man, I hate when that happens to me. After surplus awesomeness, I would say the jealousy of others is the malady that most plagues reality-show contestants. Kandice adds that people don't like being beaten by "a couple of blonde girls." Wait -- I forgot being underestimated based on how good-looking you are! Man. How could I forget that one? That's actually first. And really, all of this is such a bummer, because I'm liking the BQs less and less, and I was enjoying giving myself credit for not always hating the teams of blonde girls, even when they're specifically referred to as "Beauty Queens." They get a taxi and tell the guy they need to get themselves to a travel agency.
Meanwhile, Peter and Sarah are already at a travel agency. When they get inside, Peter immediately says that they "need help very quickly." He adds, "A medical emergency. For her leg?" And then he grabs Sarah's leg and lifts it up so that lady can see it from behind the desk. He is all class, that guy. Perhaps he can just start calling her "Tiny Tim." I think the effect would be about the same. Meanwhile, the BQs are now at an agency too, and Dustin is explaining to the guy that in trying to get them tickets, he should say that "it's Miss California and Miss New York that need seats on the plane." The guy behind the counter looks like she just told him that she was the Queen of Pittsburgh. He's like, "Uh-huh. Be quiet." Peter is explaining to his agent, as if she doesn't understand him, how it's important for them to get the earliest possible flight and so forth. His travel agency tells him that he'll be going through Bombay (I know, I know, we'll get there) and arriving at 7:50 AM. This is precisely the same information Dustin is getting, and it means leaving that night at 11:00 PM. When the guy has the tickets lined up, Dustin says, "High five!" She holds up her hand. The guy ignores her, saying "Let me get the... " "I need a high-five right now!" she insists. He asks again to be allowed to finish his work. Heh. I like to think she stood just like that for long minutes, as people stared and she just kept saying, "Right now! Okay, actually right... now! Okay, I get it, you weren't ready. So right... now!"
Peter and Sarah hop on the internet and look up things in Kuwait, I guess, because they find themselves a photo of Kuwait Towers, just like it looks in their video clue. With some help from the locals, they print the page, because apparently, "Kuwait Towers" is too much to keep in your head.
1:42 PM. Pointies. Kimberly's reaction to the Nokia phone is to wonder "What is this thing?" Or else she's talking about the Kuwait Towers. Either seems possible, as I would believe that either gadgetry or architecture could throw her for a loop. They see a cab as they leave the mat, and Rob barks, "English!" Kimberly already has to tell him to calm down. "I am a dramatic person," he interviews. "Sometimes it gets me in trouble. Sometimes I just... speak freely!" It's annoyingly obvious that he is, in fact, totally praising and petting himself. Sometimes he can't be fake! Sometimes he has to keep it real! Wait, that's another horrible affliction! Real-keeping! Boy, this is going to be a long textbook I'm writing here. They get a taxi guy who very tentatively agrees to try to help them find a travel agency. He kind of looks like he just plans to drive into town and hope for the best. That's what you do with the crazy Americans. I would love it if the cab driver took them somewhere, dropped them off, and said, "Sometimes I just drive freely."
1:53 PM. Erwin and Godwin. They explain that they're hanging with Lyn and Karlyn, who open their clue at 2:03 PM. Neither of these teams recognizes the Kuwait Towers, but they share a high-five and get moving. Godwin voices over that they're all still working together, and that Dave and Mary have to finish first in order to avoid a penalty. These two teams get taxis together and look for a travel agency. It might seem weird for a team to wait ten minutes for another, but if you pay attention, you'll see just how far behind the remaining two teams are, so it's pretty clear that ten minutes here isn't going to make a difference.
Rob and Kimberly have made it to an agency where they ask for tickets and then show the video of the clue. They immediately learn that they're looking at the Kuwait Towers.
3:37 PM. Tyler and James. So that's almost two hours behind the *wins and *lyns. Tyler says that it was "a dagger in the side" to finish in sixth place. As they're leaving, Tyler suggests that they call Phil on the Nokia and ask him what the hell they're doing. "Phil," James says dryly into the phone. "How do we get to Kuwait?" Man, if calling Phil were that easy, we'd all be doing it. I'd be doing it right now. Actually, hang on a second.
Okay, I'm back. That was really weird, how someone answered who sounded kind of New Zealand-ish, but right after I explained who I was, it was like we were cut off. Anyway, Tyler and James grab a taxi.
Traffic in India is kind of punishing, as everyone is learning. We actually see Tyler and James at a travel agency before the *wins/*lyns who left an hour and a half before they did. Is that possible? I realize everything is not to scale, but I'm never sure whether they mostly keep events in order. Tyler and James also look up the Kuwait Towers on the internet. Oh, internet, your sweet and juicy knowledge is so tempting. As are your abundant crazy people. We see Rob and Kimberly still at the travel agency. The time line here is just crazy. I mean, the flight isn't until 11:00 tonight, but are Rob and Kimberly still hanging around at the travel agency three hours after they left the pit stop? A wrinkle emerges when, rather than the 11:00 flight to Bombay, Tyler and James get an 8:00 flight. Presumably, it's the same rest of the flight that everyone else has, but it's always possible you can wiggle some kind of advantage if you can get to the connecting city first. Also, it means not having to travel with Peter. Bonus!
6:04 PM. "Never had one of these in my life," Mary says as she admires the phone. (Remember, 6:04 PM -- that's four hours after their friends left.) Mary interviews as they leave the mat that they have to come in first, or else they'll be subject to a 30-minute penalty at the end of the race. "Nobody's going to lay down and let you win a million dollars," Mary says. "We have to do it ourselves." This would really be a heavy dose of frying-pan foreshadowing if this were to be an episode in which they received a lot of help, wouldn't it?
Now, we see the *wins and *lyns get to their travel agency. Again, are we supposed to believe this all happened in this order? Peter and Sarah got to the travel agency from the pit stop in under an hour, but it took these people four hours? Because if that's the case, I certainly hope that the *wins and *lyns stopped for a meal or something. Speaking of Peter and Sarah, we check in with them at the airport, where Peter assures us that they feel great about being all ready to go and having tickets and so forth. Dustin and Kandice arrive at the airport soon after, then Rob and Kimberly, then Tyler and James -- who are in a hurry, because they have that 8:00 PM flight. Back at the travel agency, the *wins and *lyns are joined by Dave and Mary. So it appears that indeed, somewhere along the line, those other two teams either killed or lost four hours waiting for Dave and Mary to get to the travel agency. I don't understand that entire sequence very well at all, but by the time Dave and Mary get there, the tickets are all arranged, and all they have to do is sit down and say they want the same thing. Dave tells us that having friends has gotten them through this entire thing. I would like to think my friends would do that for me, but in a race for a million dollars, I think there would be considerably more "so long, sucker" involved.
At 8:05 PM, James and Tyler get on their earlier flight to Bombay.
The trailing three teams arrive at the airport together. Then, we go to the Mumbai (see, that's what we're calling Bombay now, even though back in Chennai, actual Indian people repeatedly spoke of Bombay -- it takes a long time to get everyone on board) airport, where James and Tyler are anxiously awaiting their flight. But of course, as they stand around anxiously, they are joined by... everyone else. Because, of course, every other team made that same 11:00 PM flight out of India, and now they're all together. As Phil explains, just as Mumbai was Bombay, and now is not, certain teams used to have leads, and now they don't, because everybody is in a great big bunch.
We are in Kuwait City before you know it, and there are towers and lovely buildings and plenty of people. At 7:50 AM, the teams land, and they all have to find their way to the marked cars. Dustin and Kandice get to their SUV first, followed by Tyler and James, Rob and Kimberly, and Peter and Sarah. We learn that the so-called "back pack" has decided to pick up a Fern, but their Fern has to wait for a checked bag. Much as I appreciate helpful locals, I have to say -- you don't wait around for one this long. You really need a Fern with a carry-on.
Dustin and Kandice, it seems, got their directions from the pilot of the plane. Gee, I wonder how that happened, and whether, say, Dave and Mary would have been so lucky. I have this vision of the pilot being all, "Would you like to see the cockpit?" and then giggling. James and Tyler have a highly cerebral discussion in which they agree that gas must be cheap in Kuwait, because of all the oil. Rob and Kimberly pass Tyler and James, and Rob throws a tongue-out, devil-horned salute as they go. He is so lucky that Kimberly doesn't break up with him. Devil horns with the tongue hanging out are definitely illustrated in the Field Guide To That Guy.
Finally, the *wins and *lyns and Dave and Mary get into their cars, with their Fern riding in front with the *lyns. Dave says he's just hoping they can jump ahead of some teams. Ack, good luck with that, Dave. Peter decides to be the historian of the group by telling us that certain issues involving Kuwait were "what started Saddam's downfall." Thank you, Peter. I think I remember that. Kandice, far more interestingly, notes that when she was eight or nine years old, her father fought in Kuwait, so she finds being there a little "crazy." Dustin's concern is a little more concrete and immediate: they've changed direction, and she's worried about whether they're driving the right way. They stop and ask someone who, it appears, directs them to the big giant towers.
Currently in first and second place are Rob and Kimberly and Tyler and James, respectively. These teams arrive at Kuwait Towers and go inside, where they're directed to the elevator. At the top, they are all startled by the rather spectacular view. And then they see that this is not merely a clue box -- it is a clue box with numbers to take, so apparently, they're doing something here. And what might you be doing at the top of a big tower? Could it be something... scary? High fives are exchanged among the three men. Men high-five each other, kill boars, and drive fast cars. Women plant flowers, comb their hair, and knit. This is in the Bible.
Dustin and Kandice arrive , followed by Peter and Sarah. Everyone who didn't wait at baggage claim, take one step forward. Peter and Sarah and the BQs wind up on the same elevator, and when it gets to the top, he aces out the BQs for the third number by hustling his ass to the box. This makes the BQs all annoyed, but... that's life, you know? Sometimes if you don't hustle, you get thumped. It usually doesn't matter, but one time out of 50, that way Peter has of acting hyper all the time gets him something other than someone's lifelong resentment. So Peter and Sarah are three, and Dustin and Kandice are four.
Everyone is still standing around when the *lyns, Dave and Mary, and the *wins show up -- whatever they're doing isn't opening for a bit -- and they take numbers five through seven respectively. We also learn that the *wins are both pretty scared of heights, making this the ideal show for them. Neither of them, it turns out, wants to do this.
At 11:00 AM, the activity opens. They all go into a little room and pull their clues, which offer two things: a Fast Forward, and a Roadblock. In the Fast Forward, you drive 18 miles to an oil field where they'll put on protective gear and walk up to a simulated oil well fire to get a clue. In the Roadblock, someone climbs a ladder that curves around the round top of one of the towers. Then, back on the ground, they'll get a bag of puzzle pieces -- this is where those rumblings that there's now a Survivor challenge producer working here begin to look pretty plausible -- and assemble a big puzzle on the ground. The puzzle will "reveal" the location of the market where they have to head . The Roadblock clue apparently asks who's "strong in both mind and body." Kimberly takes it for her team. Because she is strong in mind and body and, if necessary, in yelling. Although in fairness, they both are. Karlyn takes it, and after Sarah says that she'll put Peter in charge of whether to go for the FF (ick), she winds up taking the Roadblock for her team. Sarah certainly does spend a lot of time suspended in the air.
The little plot detail that emerges is that the BQs, who are holding number four, are considering going for the FF. Logically enough, so are Dave and Mary -- who, you'll remember, have a particular need to come in first. Erwin takes the Roadblock for the *wins, but they start to chat about the fact that Mary and Dave need to get the FF and finish first to avoid that 30-minute penalty and the chance of elimination. At the moment, the BQs are deciding to go for the FF as well. So what happens is that over at the elevator, the *wins tell the BQs that they're going for the FF. It makes sense that they would, of course, since they're set to climb last. The idea here is that if you tell the BQs that someone else is going for the FF, it puts them in the position of having to compete for it, and if they don't get it, then they'll really be screwed -- remember, it's 18 miles away, so you can't just pop over and check and come right back if it doesn't work out. The BQs do indeed retreat from the FF, just as Dave and Mary decide they'd better go for it. So Dave and Mary and the *wins get on the elevator down to the bottom, and once they're in the elevator, Godwin assures them that the *wins aren't really going for it; they were just trying to help Dave and Mary get positioned to get it. At the bottom, the teams trade hugs, but the boys are urging, "Just go, go." It's quite endearing, really. Mary asks some locals how to get to the 6th Ring Road, and she learns that it's right near the 5th Ring Road. Revelation! Mary voices over that the *wins did a great thing for them, and she sets up the dynamic for the episode by noting that she would be really sad if they were eliminated as a result of that decision. As for the *wins, Erwin tells us that they wanted to play the game "a certain way," and that Mary and Dave have been good friends to them.
And... I don't know. I see both sides of the argument that's been raging all week over whether this is horribly lame or kind of sweet. I think it's sort of neither. It's a decision, and a calculated risk, and as long as they don't think it makes them better than anyone else, it's a decision you have the freedom to make. I mean, for one thing, it's not like there isn't some possible strategic advantage to keeping Mary and Dave in the race rather than someone else -- the BQs, for instance, if you thought that was the choice. But as others have noted, I don't think that's why they did it. I fortunately don't think they did it to make themselves look good, particularly -- I think they did it because they like Dave and Mary, and they don't really have a pure racing mentality. Which... is what it is, you know? Yes, if they lose, they'll deserve it, in a sense. But they don't seem to want to wave it around, and they don't seem to think it makes them extra-awesome, and they seem understanding about what the consequences are. So I say: rock on with your slightly stupid selves, *wins. I wouldn't mind being your friend, although in a competition, I might choose someone else to be on my team, because I suspect you of lacking the appropriate killer instinct. Among other things, they both really hate heights, and the FF would have been a way out of the Roadblock. Fortunately for them, the Roadblock ladder is inside a metal cage, which I think is going to make it a million times easier for people who are afraid of heights. Courage, climbing *win!
Commercials. Okay, if you're going to have these Power Through And Go moments, they are not allowed to involve the making of plane reservations. Just, no. Absolutely not. No making plane reservations, no ordering food, no cutting your nails.
We return to watch Erwin ascend to the top of the tower to climb the ladder. He tells us that this will be "a real test." The rest of the teams are surprised to see Erwin return, announcing that they decided to abandon the Fast Forward after all. It isn't clear whether the front-running teams see the writing on the wall or not, regarding what just occurred with the *wins and Dave and Mary, but the BQs may very well feel pretty silly right about now. It's like the *wins are Miss Texas or something. This is war!
In a distressing development, Dave and Mary are a little lost on the way to the Fast Forward. And that is... not an acceptable way for this to go. Don't squander your chance, Coalminer and Wife! They stop and ask directions, and it appears that a guy is going to lead them to 6th Ring Road. I'm trying to think of whether it would be incredibly convenient or incredibly confusing to have your roads named things like "6th Ring Road." Self-explanatory street names sound like a good idea, but it doesn't seem to be making anything easier for the racers.
As the climbers get ready to climb, the other team members are all down on the ground observing. Kimberly goes first, asking God to keep her safe. Which... okay. When you're 600 feet off the ground, I'll allow it. At the top of the ladder, she climbs off and gets the "satchel," which I guess contains the puzzle pieces she needs. She heads back down. Tyler is to go, and when he gives a little wave of his hands, Sarah decides to get snippy about "showing off." I can't believe she's this mad about a guy climbing with no hands when she's about to do it with one leg. She's the real show-off! (Yes, yes, I'll write to you from hell.)
Kimberly and Rob are reunited on the ground, and she starts to put the puzzle together, with him cheering her on.
An interesting thing happens as Sarah starts up the ladder. "Oh, she shouldn't have done this," Karlyn mutters to Kandice. Those teams, of course, do not have a good history with each other. "I wouldn't have wanted her to do that," Karlyn continues. "This isn't right," Kandice agrees. Kandice offers support: "Way to go, Sarah. Good job, babe." It's kind of interesting -- I think these people, for the most part, know that Peter is the dickhead here, and that Sarah is probably taking the brunt of it, so there's little point in being mad at her. I might be projecting, though. Karlyn and Kandice note with some relief that Sarah seems to be doing pretty well on the ladder. And that curved metal foot, which looks like it would be so enormously ill-suited for this, does indeed seem to be serving her. It seems like it would be like trying to climb a ladder while wearing golf spikes, but for whatever reason, she's all right. Peter calls her "the bionic spider-woman" from the ground, but it's really too late for him to try not to be a dick, so he might as well save his energy. The dick is done, as it were. At the top, Sarah gets her satchel, and in an interview, she tells us she'll "never forget" doing that.
Tyler gets to the bottom and starts putting the puzzle together. Kimberly seems to have the entire background filled in, but she doesn't really know what to do . Kandice starts up the ladder, as Sarah returns to Peter. He informs her that she "is going to rock on this." I'm sure she appreciates that. Dustin watches Kandice climb the ladder, and then she starts back down. Karlyn starts up the ladder as Erwin says that he really, really hates heights, and he notes again that he wouldn't have to do this if they'd taken the FF. That's the problem with integrity -- it doesn't always mix well with gravity.
Mary and Dave are approaching the FF location, and Mary is smiling a little as she says she expects it to be "the hardest thing [she's] ever experienced in [her] whole life." When they pull over and stop, the guy who greets them says there's "a mission to do now," and he has them follow him. I like it when the locals throw themselves into their roles. They have a mission! An important mission! To approach the pretend fire and get a clue! This is not a game! Well, it's a game, but it's also a mission! An important mission!
Karlyn is done with the ladder, so she can head back down. Erwin, for his part, gives a rundown of his physical symptoms as he prepares to go, from the pounding heart to the tightness in his chest to the sweaty face. Well, the sweaty face is just something I noticed, actually. From the ground, Godwin quietly urges Erwin, via telepathy and muttering, not to "freeze up."
Kimberly continues to struggle with the puzzle. In fairness to her, it's much harder to be the first one, because I think it's obvious that other teams are snooping on each other and seeing how it's done as they go. Tyler, however, seems to have figured out how to incorporate the gold lettering, so he's making progress. Once again, the team of young boys turns out to have a puzzle-solving advantage, which has been the case for quite some time and makes the "alpha male" argument less convincing. As with many of the other "alpha male" teams throughout history, they're getting a lot of advantages from things like solving puzzles, which... it's not a something team of women couldn't do just as well. Kandice joins the puzzle party. Erwin climbs the outside of the building, and it doesn't look like he's struggling that much. I really do think that the fact that the climbing is inside a cage makes it so much easier. "We are not going home today!" Godwin calls up to him. "Yes you are, Chos. Yes you are," Tyler mutters. I don't really approve of that kind of snooty comment, particularly when you direct it at teams that haven't been especially competitive most of the time, but Tyler seems to be playing off the moment more than anything. Erwin finishes and gets his bag, so he's on the way back down, and he's very relieved. In fact, he says he took a minute to "enjoy the view." No! No view! Run, Erwin!
Elsewhere, Mary and Dave are wrapped up in yellow fire-proof suits. "I'm nervous. I'm scared to death," she says. "But... maybe Steven Seagal will see me and want me to be in one of his movies." Oh, Mary. You're so... you're so much the person you are, in a way that simultaneously does and doesn't make sense to me. I like the idea of Mary in a Steven Seagal movie, though. She could be the plain-spoken waitress who helps Seagal after a truck blows up. Dave, on the other hand, is just "ready and excited." One gets the feeling that Dave thinks this is pretty cool.
Kimberly can't figure out why she's not having better luck with the puzzle. Tyler is close to finished, as is Sarah. Karlyn and Kandice are working, and Erwin is just getting started.
Dave and Mary and a couple of helpers pick up a shield that's like a piece of a garage door, sort of. "Lord have mercy," Mary mutters as they start to inch toward the fire. Dave voices over that he's kind of always wanted to try firefighting, and this made him briefly feel just like a firefighter. He adds that it feels like you're "somebody important for five minutes." Aw. You be a good dad, Dave, and you're going to be somebody a lot more important than a lot of the rest of these goofs. I don't think you have to feel insignificant compared to random dating couples and buff grad students with water guns. When Dave and Mary are all done, the clue tells them -- as they are "Currently in 1st Place" -- to drive to the pit stop. The pit stop, Phil explains, is located at the Al-Sadiq Water Towers, which totally look like they could be part of a water park in the Wisconsin Dells. Perhaps there are cheese curds. Mary says as they get in the car that she's really happy that they have a good shot at being in first place and avoiding the penalty. It is true that the Fast Forward was a major blessing for them here, and gives it some significance that it wouldn't have had in many other legs.
So Tyler finishes the puzzle, and he and James are kind of like, "Okay! Woo! Finished! Um." Because the puzzle is supposed to reveal a location, and given that it's Arabic writing, it doesn't "reveal" too much to them. They pick up the entire puzzle and carry it over to some guys who are nearby so that they can ask what it says. The guy tells them the name of the street that they need to go to. Phil explains that it's a three-mile drive to Souk Al-Gharabally. There, they have to find a marked bead shop, where the owner will have their clue. Tyler and James get directions to find the street that they're looking for.
Sarah is to finish the puzzle, and Peter carts it off, with Sarah following, to learn what it says. Rob explains to Kimberly, not too obnoxiously, that another team just got finished. You can tell she feels a lot of pressure. Kandice, Karlyn, and Erwin are still solving. Peter and Sarah get directions that involve turning at the Grand Mosque. Finally, Kimberly finishes with the puzzle. When they get their directions, she's thinking the guy is saying Grand Mask, and he looks amused, though that could be a bit of an editing trick. In the car, she starts telling Rob about turning at Grand Mask, and Rob tells her it's a mosque, dummy. (He doesn't say "dummy," but he thinks it.) They throw in the same "boing-oing-oing" noise that they used for her "homeless cow" thing last week, so somebody who chooses sound effects does not like Kimberly. I think the effect is supposed to be the sound of the springs in her brain failing. Wait, that is a sound effect, right?
Karlyn finishes the puzzle, then Kandice, so they're looking for help at just about the same time. Karlyn tells the man she's talking to not to talk to the BQs, who are approaching fast. When the *lyns already have their directions, Karlyn tries to hustle their local off and tell him not to help. She goes so far as to not only push the local guy with a hand on his back (NO), but also push away Dustin with her hand (NO). It's not like it's violent or anything, but it is rude, and it is pretty ridiculous to think that you're going to bodily restrict people from helping other teams when you've already gotten your directions. Bad touch, Karlyn! Predictably, when the *lyns are gone, one of the two guys who was walking along agrees to help out the BQs. Believe it or not, one of the *lyns is muttering "That's not fair," as if once they ask someone for directions, the BQs have to find someone else to ask directions. I think Karlyn is aware of some mysterious intellectual property principle that hasn't made its way to me yet. There is also muttering about how the BQs should "learn to run their own race." As opposed to... asking for directions like babies? It probably goes without saying, but I think "run your own race" would be far more easily applied to not wasting time trying to impede other teams by body-checking the locals. That's just downright silly.
Unfortunately, Dustin is horrifically dumb about what to say and what not to say, and in her car, when referring to how the *lyns were being "big pigs" and "taking all the help when they already have their answer," she refers to them as "the sistas." Which... no. You can't do that. No, not even if they use that name themselves, which I certainly haven't heard them do. I doubt there's anything particularly malicious behind it, but it sounds ugly, and you just... can't. Even if it occurs to you to use this reference, you simply have to hear the word "sistas" coming out of your blonde beauty-queen mouth 15 seconds before it happens, and you have to stop yourself in time to say "the ssssss... single moms."
Erwin is finally finished, so he and Godwin can get going. They waylay a fellow who helps them figure out where they're going. They get extra-lucky when, after getting the name of the street they need to find, they encounter a police officer who is kind enough to take them. Nothing like a police escort. Not only that, but the police escort they have is running his siren the entire time. You know what helps when you're trying to get somewhere? A police officer. With a siren.
Tyler and James spot the mosque, and then they spot the left turn onto Souk Al-Gharabally. They start to search the stalls for the marked bead shop. Elsewhere, Sarah is not doing as well. "This map sucks," she says unhappily. Peter is bummed that they're having problems after the puzzle went so well. Rob and Kimberly are doing a little better, because Kimberly has spotted "that church." Also known as the mosque. Rob corrects her. She's like, "whatever." Heh. Meanwhile, the *wins get led to the right street, and Peter and Sarah find what they at least hope is it. What you have here is everybody converging on the street where the shop is, and James and Tyler -- who got there first -- are also the first to locate the right shop.
When they get the clue, it's a Detour, and you have to choose between Manual and Automatic. In Manual, you drive yourself to an area where you find a feedlot and fill ten 110-pound bags up to a line. Then they carry them over to a pallet and stack them. In Automatic, you drive yourself to the Kuwait Camel Racing Club, and you attach a robot jockey to a camel. No, really. You see, the way they do the camel races now, they strap on a robot that you run with a remote control, which thwaps the camel with a little strap. Apparently, this is something that was invented because using little children as jockeys didn't go over very well with stick-in-the-mud human-rights types. At any rate, you drive your camel down a course of about 140 yards, and then you're done. Tyler and James decide to "stick with [their] muscles" and do Manual.
By the way, you are correct if you are thinking that approximately one-third of the level of difficulty in this recap is carefully not uniting the words "camel" and "jockey." The show, I would note, does the same.
We now check in with Mary and Dave, looking along Damascus Street for the water towers. Mary sees them, and then we are on the mat with Phil. They run to the mat. Welcome, Mary and Dave. You are team number one! So there will be no penalty for Mary and Dave. They share a hug. Phil congratulates them on overcoming the whole "marked for elimination" thing. They've also won a trip to Jamaica, where they'll get massages and go tubing. They react a little... mildly to this news, but I think they may just be worn out. And, you know, half-burnt from the fire. Mary, of course, happily credits the *wins for making it possible for her and Dave to do the Fast Forward. "Awesome people like you've never met in your life," she says. I have this vision of Mary being all, "Dave, we are moving to Korea! Can you believe how nice Asian people are?"
Rob and Kimberly, Dustin and Kandice, and the *wins are all sort of near each other, hunting for the marked shop. They're all lost, but then Rob finds it, so he and Kimberly manage to get their clue. He immediately starts hassling her to get the hell out of the shop as soon as possible so that nobody sees them. He is a tiny bit overwound at the moment. The BQs still can't find the stall, but here are Peter and Sarah, who have shown up and found it, so they're ready to go. As they head out, they run into the *wins, and Peter tells Sarah to hide the clue. He tells the *wins they don't have it yet, and says they're just going back to their car because they're illegally parked. I have to say, that struck me as a relatively clever lie, all things considered, for a guy who was put in the position of explaining why he's heading away from the area where everyone thinks the clue is if you don't, in fact, have your clue. Of course, despite the fact that I think it's a relatively good lie, the *wins totally don't go for it, and they quickly find the shop where the clue is. They want to do the ten bags of feed. I am officially more gullible than Erwin and Godwin, and I think that means I need to make sure I don't click on any email links I don't immediately recognize.
The *lyns and the BQs are wandering all over the place trying to find the stall where the clue is. The BQs even get sent upstairs at one point, like Spinal Tap trying to find the stage, and that's definitely not going to solve their problems. As you can imagine, these would be the two teams currently struggling.
Commercials. It's good that Claritin has a lot of confidence that it changes lives. I'm all for self-esteem, even for allergy medications.
When we return, the *lyns and BQs are still trying to find the clue. Finally, the BQs find a guy who directs them to the right spot, and they decide to head for the Manual option. The *lyns, Currently In Last Place, get a clue as well. They want the Automatic. Hey, that's what I'd do. What's better than camels and robots? Nothing, that's what. The *wins, meanwhile, haven't managed to leave yet, and out in the street, they run into their friend the police officer. He does not, however, want to take them to the place they're going. It's not clear whether he doesn't know or doesn't want to take them, but it's not like you can expect to borrow a police officer for the entire day. He may actually have a few other things he's supposed to do as a police officer in Kuwait City, other than navigating for tourists. The *lyns catch up to the *wins, and the teams decide to go together to look for the Automatic option. That would be the camels, in case you've already forgotten.
In Peter and Sarah's car, he says they're going to the Camel Racing Club. "Sarah's a robotic babe, so we're going to go mess with the robotic jockey," he chuckles. She laughs, and it's the kind of thing where if they were cool, this would be a cool moment for them. I can completely believe that this particular brand of humor about her situation is appropriate, and maybe this is the kind of thing that makes her not hate him -- that he can view her situation with a matter-of-fact sense of humor. It's too bad that everything else about him sucks harder than an industrial vacuum.
Tyler and James are a bit lost looking for the feedbag option. Rob and Kimberly, too, are having to stop for some directions. This is clearly just not an easy place to find. Dustin goes and tracks down some people in a car who agree to lead them there. Lucky them. Tyler and James are not as lucky, and while they're still asking for directions, they seem to be having some problems. In the car, James explains that he didn't understand at all the directions that he just retrieved. It was basically pointing and talking, and none of it registered. Not a good sign.
Rob and Kimberly find their way to the place where the feedbags are. Right behind them are Dustin and Kandice. Both teams start shoveling feed into bags. There is a very obvious fill line, and Rob and Kimberly are careful to see that they fill the bag up far enough. Dustin and Kandice, on the other hand, decide they don't "need it full," either because they didn't read the directions or because they didn't understand them.
Problems arise in the normally peaceful and cooperative world of the *lyns and *wins, because the *wins are concerned that the *lyns aren't leading them in the right direction. They decide to bail out of the hunt for the camels and find the bags. They pull into a gas station to ask directions to that option. Tyler and James? They are also stopped for directions, yet again, this time at a grocery store. At least they're getting a nice tour of the business establishments of Kuwait. Peter and Sarah? Not doing well. Sarah says that it's "freaking [her] out that there's no roads" she can find on the map to figure out where they are. Meanwhile, rather than finish filling up the bag they're working on, Dustin and Kandice take their stapler and just close it up. Kimberly tells Rob, on the other hand, to make sure it's full enough. Rob complains that the BQs aren't filling it this full, but she presses on, making him finish filling up the bags.
The *lyns realize that the *wins have peeled off, so now they're on their own looking for the camel racing.
Rob and Kimberly go to put one of their filled bags on the stack, and it splits open and spills. Oh, bummer. Shockingly, they don't lose their cool, but they just keep on going. See, the Pointies are growing as people. It's nothing but good news! The *wins arrive at the feedlot.
Tyler and James are still lost, and they can only describe themselves as "really, really frustrated." They pull over and ask some guys, none of whom know where the Camel Racing Club is. I don't think anybody knows where this club is except the camels, who are probably not fans.
The BQs hoist their last feedbag (hee hee) on the stack, but they soon learn that the bags aren't full, and they aren't going to count. They all need more in them in order to be finished. So that was... a triumph of non-clue-reading, I think. One of them complains that the guy is being "real picky." I think everyone understood it but you, sweetheart, so I'm not sure you can complain.
Peter and Sarah? Lost. She says to him that she's not sure what she could have done differently. "I don't know how to get there," she says simply. "No kidding you don't know how to get there!" he comes back. She looks unhappily out the window, thinking, "Step One: Erase Peter's number from my cell phone. Step Two: Erase Peter's email address from my Contacts. Oh, wait -- Step One is actually Tell Peter to fuck off. I have to start over."
Rob and Kimberly are the team to finish up with the feedbags. Because they've filled them adequately, they get their clue to drive 11 miles to the pit stop, which Phil explains... again... is the Al-Sadiq water towers. Rob and Kimberly are happy to be done, and in their car on the way to the pit stop, they're glad to be back in the mix after thinking they were badly behind. Shortly thereafter, the BQs finally finish, so they get out of the Detour ahead of the clearly concerned *wins, who have no way of knowing where any of the teams who headed for the other Detour are.
The *lyns are the first team to successfully find the Camel Racing Club, and good for them. They receive instruction and then tie a robot jockey onto the back of their camel. The way you do this is that you holler into the walkie-talkie, and that makes the robot whap the camel on the side. This camel does not look very happy about the prospect, which is probably not the life path he would have chosen. My favorite part is where Karlyn decides to try the same attitude with the camel that she does with everyone else, so she just tells the camel to "stop with the attitude." Hee.
Peter and Sarah are so desperately lost that he is laughing maniacally about it. I'm really looking forward to the transformation of Peter from Regular Weird to Psychotic Weird. Sarah tells him that she's not sure they're entirely out of it, and then out of nowhere, Peter spots a yellow and red arrow pointing off the road. Yes, they have stumbled onto a race arrow, entirely by accident. "Wow, we're still in it!" he says happily. "I'm so glad I saw that," he self-congratulates. He is already envisioning the speech later in which he will explain how he saved their asses after Sarah did such a poor job with the navigating.
Tyler and James declare that they are "going in the biggest circles around Kuwait City." I would think that all these "Ring Roads" would do that to you. Not a good day for them, navigation-wise. I wonder if they can use anything they learned from addiction in solving this problem. Maybe if they make amends to a guy at a gas station.
Commercials. I have to say, if you have demon lampshades in your house, it's no wonder you can't sleep.
When we return, James and Tyler are still in despair. Meanwhile, Peter and Sarah's happiness over the arrow they stumbled on doesn't last when they realize that what they have accidentally found is the already-taken Fast Forward. Ha! Serves you right, ass. They declare that they're done looking for the camels, so they're going to look for the feedbags.
Tyler and James get actual directions. Directions toward the camel-racing! Directions that include the expression "up there," as if they're near it! Oh, happy day! Seriously, I think I've been watching these guys drive around since dirt was invented, and I am ready for a change.
The *wins, who have no idea where anyone else is, obviously, finish with the feedbags and, not realizing that they're in fourth place, leave for the pit stop feeling rather gloomy. "If we're going to go out, at least we went out in style," one of them remarks. I don't know if they said anything along here about how at least they'll go out with their integrity intact, but I'm going to assume they didn't and give them a big thank-you for not trying to turn their possible Philimination into a morality play.
Rob and Kimberly are a bit lost looking for the water tower, but Dustin and Kandice are not.
And now, camels beaten by robots! The *lyns yell into their walkie-talkie and drive their camel down the track. It looks like this is not a hard task once you find it, and they are quickly on their way to the pit stop. I think the point of that task is pretty much exclusively that robots and camels are cool, and nobody doesn't like robots and camels. Even better? Robot camels. Maybe week.
Sarah and Peter are still having navigation difficulties. Unhappily, they have come all the way back to the Kuwait Towers, where Peter hops out and goes in to talk to someone. Unsurprisingly, a person familiar with the local area is able to point things out on the map that Sarah missed, so Peter unleashes his disappointed dad routine, in which he laments that Sarah is so bad at reading maps. She protests that the map didn't make sense, and Peter just says, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It said it right on there." Man, he is a pill. Just, among other things... a pill.
Finally, Tyler and James find the camel-racing club. James informs the camel that they've been looking for him for four hours. Hee. I'm sure the camel is gratified. They strap on the jockey (dirty!) and lead the camel toward the starting line.
Meanwhile, here are Dustin and Kandice, arriving at the pit stop ahead of Rob and Kimberly. Welcome, you are team number two. Now, everyone will be jealous of you again! Yay!
Tyler and James start yelling into the walkie-talkie, and sure enough, their camel gets spanked and takes off at a run. Finding this weirdly hilarious at a time when they think they're probably out of the race, they run alongside the camel, hooting and laughing. I think they're probably okay guys. Almost anyone who can yell and run while chasing a camel is all right in my book. They take their clue and leave. "I just hope we're not in last," one of them notes.
Welcome, Rob and Kimberly. You are team number three. They feel good about that, and you still get the sense that they generally like each other. I'm not sure I'd be friends with them, but hey, they're okay.
Peter and Sarah find a local to lead them, and Peter instructs her in the car that if they get to the right spot, she has to "get [her] head together." She protests that her head is just fine. And she thinks to herself, "Step Four: Call Peter's mother and tell her about the time he made me limp so that we could get a table at the Original Pancake House on a Sunday morning."
Tyler and James, meanwhile, are slightly lost on the way to the pit stop, which isn't really the news they were hoping for.
Welcome, *lyns, you are team number four. They jump up and down -- and understandably so. That's a good finish for them, particularly since they haven't seen any other teams for a while and had no way of knowing where in the rankings they were. Karlyn hugs Phil. I think Phil is the only person on the entire race that Karlyn likes.
Welcome, *wins, you are... team number five! Now they are very, very relieved.
Peter and Sarah conclude that the guy who seemed to be such a godsend has led them to the wrong place. Whoops.
And... here are James and Tyler, and they are seeing the water towers, so unless something really unbelievably ridiculous is about to happen... no, it isn't. Welcome, James and Tyler, you are team number six. "We're still alive!" James says happily.
It is dark when we finally see Peter and Sarah reach the feedlot where the Manual option is. So they were... extremely lost. They were head-in-a-hole-in-the-ground lost. When they do finally get there, they pull a Mercy Clue that tells them to skip the Detour and just go directly to the pit stop. Peter hopes that it's not an elimination round, as if there's any significant possibility of that, but when they land on the mat, the piano music and Phil inform them that they are indeed eliminated. And I will say... I have no problem with her, but based on his intensely annoying personality and the creepy dynamic between them, it's about time. Phil asks Peter what the status of their relationship is, and Peter says that he thinks they make good friends. He says that what with "two hard heads together," it's hard to make a good couple. Sarah, I am pleased to say, shrugs off any attempt at conciliatory talk and punts Peter for the extra point thusly: "I learned a lot about him in these stressful situations. He is a very strong go-getter. But he isn't a very nurturing or very kind individual. I want someone that's driven and strong, but I'm also looking for someone who's caring and compassionate." In an interview, Sarah tells us that she learned a lot about Peter on the race. "He's not the person for me," she says, before we see them walking far apart away from the mat. I cannot imagine what could have taken her this long to figure that out about a guy who couldn't gargle without spitting out his love for himself and his contempt for others, but I'm thrilled to death that not only did she figure it out, but she announced it in front of everyone, which he richly deserved. Jerk.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: More BQ/Karlyn bitchery. The BQs have a car accident. And there is, mercifully, no more Peter.