In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close. Once again, the race makes its way to India, but not until there has been quite a bit of airport jockeying and juggling and paranoia. Peter: still a jackass. When the shuffling is over, Peter and Sarah and Dustin and Kandice are fighting it out for first place. The Detour turns out to be surprisingly boring for one that involves being possibly devoured by crocodiles, and the Roadblock turns out to be surprisingly interesting for one that involves getting your Indian driver's license. Dave and Mary have flight problems and seem to never really be in it, but they luck out and hit a non-elimination leg. This year, we've stopped the obnoxious and boring begging in favor of a far more intriguing non-elimination penalty that's actually a penalty: Dave and Mary will have to come in first week, and if they don't, they'll be subject to a 30-minute penalty. Just about the right amount of pain -- enough to make you really not want to be last, but not enough to make it pointless for you to continue. Good show, show. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on My Language May Be Clean, But Some Of My Thoughts Are Downright Phil-thy: Sarah found her power, although unfortunately, it was not the power to truss Peter up like a turkey and ship him off to be a holiday meal for the needy. Rob and Kimberly kept on fighting like the Pointies they are, but they finished first anyway, which just goes to prove that sensible hair isn't everything, and neither is the illusion of civility. Tom attempted to make like the Little Balding Crazy That Could, tugboating away with a sampan in defiance of all physics and logic, but it just wasn't enough, and he and Terry were Philiminated. This was good news for Dustin and Kandice, who survived in spite of not exactly making a great showing for that whole "it's a scholarship competition" thing by failing to read their clue before soaking it like a magazine dropped in the tub. Seven teams are left. Who will be eliminated... ?
Credits. You know, I'm glad that Dustin and Kandice are shown trying to hail a taxi, because it's about time that some light was shed on the social problem of young hot blondes who are unable to get cab drivers to pick them up. I hear it's particularly bad when they try to get picked up alone. [BOMP.]
Commercials. There isn't anything I like more than Hugh Jackman, and I still don't know if I'm going to watch an entire movie about magicians, because there isn't much I like less than David Copperfield.
We race across a stretch of water dotted with jutting cliffs as Phil explains that we are in Halong Bay in northern Vietnam. Phil calls it "a stunning seascape" where I assume she sells seashells by the seashore. Phil explains that this here was the fourth pit stop. I would like it if, in one of these episodes, Phil suddenly said, "This idyllic locale, revered by locals and tourists alike, was not a pit stop, but I came here on vacation once, and it is awesome, and I put it in my contract that they had to bring me here so that I could show it... to you."
1:47 AM. Rob and Kimberly. Rob is wearing a headlamp that does a nice job of exaggerating the appearance of his fauxhawk. The clue tells them to fly to Chennai, India. Phil nails this trip at more than 3000 miles, adding that they'll have to go to Hanoi by train first. Furthermore, you can't buy tickets at airline counters in Vietnam, so they'll need to choose a travel agency. "We're going to India, honey," Rob says as they leave the mat. "You ready for some curry?" I have this nonspecific sensation like the eyes of millions of Indian people just rolled back in their heads. "Right, right, curry," they are all saying. "You're going to call me 'Apu,' aren't you?" It would seriously be nice if racers could have something to anticipate about going to other countries rather than the food. We've already gone the embarrassing route of Mongolian barbecue, after all. Rob explains to us that he sees the race as "a metaphor for a life together." He thinks this is because they have a common goal and are working together, but I think it's because they're tired and pissed off all the time, they shower less and less as time progresses, and more and more strangers don't want to get involved with them. Furthermore, Rob could stand to shave, you know? It's not Survivor, dude. You're allowed to have a razor, and it doesn't take up that much room. I don't understand why he's allowing this scraggly nastro-turf to grow on his neck, especially since it seems to be carefully avoiding the actual front of his face. They get in a taxi to the train station.
2:17 AM. Peter and Sarah. Sarah explains in an interview that her feelings for Peter have changed, and that she doesn't have him on a "pedestal" like before. I don't understand how anyone could have that guy on a pedestal. God. If you're going to put him somewhere metaphorical, I suggest a giant trash can. He's already hollering at her as they go for a taxi.
2:21 AM. James and Tyler. You won't believe this, but James reveals in an interview that they are recovering addicts (and models!), and that when things on the race feel out of his control, he can draw on his experience with powerlessness over drugs. Or something. Which I guess means that... he should quit taking taxis cold turkey and join a program? I don't really understand. He says that their experiences with drugs and alcohol give them an advantage over other teams, and I'm just not feeling that, sorry. They get a taxi driver, but they have some trouble trying to explain that they need the train station. They do refrain from "train-o" as well as the commonly used "choo-choo," first trying a more modern "ch-ch-ch" train sound then switching to a little drawing of a train. But it turns out that the best thing to do is show the driver the clue. Who'd have thought? In the car, Tyler laughs at James, saying, "That train was wack, bro." My internal alarm goes off in response to their high-density dudespeak. "Wack" or "bro" in a sentence, but not both.
2:25 AM. The *wins. They are wearing matching shirts with the word "LOST" on them and a picture of Phil, though it's hard to make out yet what exactly the rest of the shirt says. I'm certainly not above sporting a picture of Phil, so I'm behind that. Erwin explains that their first priority is to "enjoy the adventure." They add that if they wanted the money, they'd be lying and cheating more. I'm not sure what they'd be lying and cheating about, so much, but I assume they know. Maybe they'd be lying about their love of Phil, which they clearly are not.
2:49 AM. Dave and Mary. Dave explains in their mat-leaving interview that he wants to win the race in order to get out of the coal mine. I'd say that's a fairly compelling reason. He talks about taking his kids to Disneyland or on airplanes, and it's very nice to hear people aspire to things you could actually do with a million dollars after taxes, rather than "I'd never have to work again," "I would roll around in my gold bullion for all eternity," and other fantasies. Because you could, in fact, just about afford Disneyland. Of course, then: back to the coal mine. In your Mickey Mouse ears.
2:53 AM. Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn explains that this is really the first time the two of them have spent this kind of 24-hour face-to-face time together. The underlying attitude doesn't exactly seem to be, "And I can't believe how much fun it is!" Indeed, Karlyn explicitly adds, "I'm sick of looking at her." It's only the fifth leg! Hate your partner in the final leg! You might still have to drag her ass around and pay the locals to paddle a boat for her! (But I kid Flo.)
3:46 AM. Dustin and Kandice. (Look at that long, long gap. They were very far behind.) Kandice says that it's "do or die" for the BQs now, because they're in last place and need to really be on top of their game. She says that there will be no allowing other people to get in front of them because they aren't "aggressive enough." That's exactly the way she got to Miss America. Just ask all the girls who "mysteriously" wound up with food coloring in their toothpaste. In the cab, Dustin says she hopes that the first train won't leave till morning, which would allow them to catch up with the rest of the teams.
At the train station, Rob and Kimberly arrive first, and they are quickly followed by Peter and Sarah. Then Tyler and James, the *wins, Dave and Mary, the *lyns... it's a party! Party at the train station! Fashion show at lunch! And then Dustin and Kandice get there, and they are very happy to see that the other teams are all hanging around. Nobody else acts happy to see the BQs at all. Whether that is because they aren't well-liked or because it means everyone is tied really remains to be seen.
At 5:00 AM, everyone catches a train to Hanoi. The train offers another opportunity for Tyler to reflect upon the scourge of addiction, because it turns out that they just saw some guys "shootin' dope" as they were leaving. "It brings back a gruesome truth for James and I," he says. "It's not a fun place to be, sitting in an alley shooting heroin," James adds, in a way that looks a little... I don't know, glib or something. I'm used to seeing addicts reflect with a little less smirking. "I remember those days," Tyler agrees. He goes on to explain in an interview that his father died when he was 15, and that fueled the addiction for him. He explains how drugs numb pain, and I feel like I'm a little old for this particular remedial class, but I know it's well-meant, so whatever. The more I know, I guess.
Now we spend some time with the *wins and *lyns, as Erwin explains that they, plus Dave and Mary, are all sharing information and helping each other. Along these lines, Godwin goes to Mary and shows her on a map which travel agencies they're planning on going to in which order. Shortly thereafter, Peter tells Sarah that he's going to the bathroom. A likely story! As he passes the *wins and *lyns, he mutters that he can tell them where the closest travel agency is to the train station, but then he just keeps walking. I have no idea what that's supposed to accomplish, since I doubt he actually has a to-do list with "Make self look like huge asshole" on it, despite the frequency with which it seems that way. Peter's stop is with Dustin and Kandice, to whom he explains that this other group is cooperating and sharing maps -- in fact, he even thinks they're sharing money. The BQs say they don't even have a map, so Peter says that he'll share a map with them if they'll remember it "down the road." Whatever that means. He leaves. It seems that this hasn't been any sort of alliance up until now, because Dustin doesn't understand why Peter is doing this. Kandice offers, "Because he likes you." I'm not sure Peter likes anything. I'm not sure Peter feels anything. I'm not sure Peter isn't made of marzipan. "We're going to take it on a case-by-case basis with Peter," Dustin says, and for some reason, it makes me laugh a little. I only wish Sarah had been half as skeptical. Seven years she's known this guy. Seven years. He has yet to even reach "pleasant" for one moment of the entire race, which puts him acres and acres behind luminaries such as Flo herself as far as trying to figure out why anyone would be friends with him ever, let alone date him. Doesn't Sarah have friends? Don't they like her? Don't they know what an intervention is?
The *wins also find their way to an agency other than the one that's already gone, so they're getting ready to ask about tickets, too. Meanwhile, at the agency where the BQs and Peter and Sarah went, the lady is telling them that the only way to get out today is to go to Bangkok at 8:00 PM, and then get to Chennai at 12:00 noon the day. None of them think this sounds really great, but it seems like all they can get, so they book it. At a different agency, the *lyns get the same news -- it's the 8:00 AM to Bangkok, then to Chennai, arriving at noon. They try to confirm that this is the earliest you can possibly do it, and the lady is sure that it is. They book. Elsewhere, Mary quizzes and quizzes about how nobody can possibly be scheduled to get to Chennai any sooner than the tickets she's being offered, and she gets repeated assurances. You can't get there any faster than this -- getting into Chennai at noon tomorrow.
Elsewhere, however, Tyler and James and Rob and Kimberly are getting a different story. By connecting twice, they're going to get there sooner. They're getting a 1:35 PM flight to Singapore, then to Delhi, then to Chennai -- landing at 9:20 AM. They're all quite pleased, but the wrinkle is that the agency can't actually print the tickets. The tickets have to come by messenger, and they don't have a lot of time to get on the flight to Singapore. As Tyler and James explains it, the flight leaves in two hours, and it's an hour to the airport. So that's not great.
At the airport, Peter and Sarah are heading for Thai airlines. The BQs follow, as do the *lyns and David and Mary. Interestingly, when Lyn asks what flight Mary and Dave are on, Mary wants to know what flight the *lyns are on first. That doesn't sound like total trust to me, but it's interesting that none of them seem offended that all of them blanch at giving information up first. They get over it in a hurry, and they quickly discern that it's the same flight, though, so they're undoubtedly glad they're all together. But none of them are sure where the *wins are.
The *wins, it turns out, have a different plan altogether. They've been presented with a flight leaving at 7:00, connecting through Hong Kong and Delhi, arriving in Chennai at 9:20 AM. So clearly, they're on the same final leg as James and Tyler and the Pointies, but they're getting to Delhi by a different route. At the airport, the *lyns want to know what flight Peter and Sarah are on. He hedges, but eventually, he gives up "Tahiti. Tahiti? Like, eight o'clock." So now either Peter doesn't know the difference between "Tahiti" and "Thailand," or he expects Lyn and Karlyn to believe that Tahiti Airlines is flying him from Vietnam to India. Either way, not a good moment for Peter. "Thai?" Lyn asks. Peter confirms. So they're all on the same flights. And Peter is either very stupid or very crafty and very stupid.
Tyler and James are sweating the arrival of the messenger with their tickets. They get more and more stressed, but just as things are starting to unravel, the messenger finally shows up with the tickets. They head for the airport.
Now, the fun starts when the *wins get to the airport and run into their old friends Dave and Mary and the *lyns. Mary assumes that the *wins are also on Thai Airlines, but it turns out that they're on Cathay Pacific. And they're leaving at 7:00 PM, getting to Chennai at 9:20 AM. Nobody is happy to hear this news, and the *lyns share the fact that they're on this flight not getting to Chennai until noon. The *lyns consider trying to get on the flight, but Godwin reminds her that they had to buy the tickets at an agency, not at the airport. Mary is convinced that there just has to be a way around that restriction. And she -- along with many well-dressed, English-speaking foreign people -- is going to find it.
Commercials. I'm not sure I really believe you discovered how to be selfless at Sears, guy.
Hanoi airport. Mary is on the hunt for those Hong Kong tickets, and she has found her way to a Cathay Pacific office. Apparently, while you can't just walk up and buy them at the counter, you can book them in an office if you already have tickets. She has the *lyns with her, and they all learn that while they can get confirmed seats to Delhi, they can't get confirmed seats to Chennai. So they'll have to get to Delhi and see how it goes -- they could potentially get stuck there. Among other things, these teams don't want to be on a plane with the BQs and Peter and Sarah anyway, so they decide to risk it and get on the plane to Delhi. They all know it's a gamble, but they go with it. Soon, people will be intentionally losing just so they don't have to be on buses with Peter. ("Oh, no, my... my rheumatism is acting up! Can't run to the pit stop!")
Elsewhere in the airport, Peter and Sarah are having coffee with the BQs and talking about how they figured the *lyns and Dave and Mary wouldn't last this long. Peter complains about how Mary walks around hollering, imitating her accent: "Where do we go? David! My ankle's hurtin'! Dammit! You see a Burger King around here?" And he's a complete prick in general, but... it's not an unfair tease, that she does holler really loudly and shout her husband's name a lot. The fact that the other people at the table are laughing seems to me like a mark of familiarity with what he's describing, really. Now, this little group is joined by the *wins, who decide for whatever reason to tell everyone that they have a better flight. "They asked us, and we didn't want to lie," Godwin says. I would recommend, then, if you feel that way, not sitting down and discussing flights with people. I would also recommend thinking about why it's okay to intentionally mislead people -- as on the train with the cell phone -- but not okay to keep information to yourself in this situation. The way they're parsing the whole lying-is-bad thing doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
In an interview with the camera, Peter tells us that the *wins have explained their double-connecting flights to Chennai, but have also explained that not everyone taking that flight got confirmed seats to Chennai, so the risk isn't necessarily going to work out. As for Peter and Sarah, they've decided to stick with what they have, along with the BQs. Why do I get the feeling that Sarah gets, like, zero vote about what they do in a situation like this? I don't think I've ever seen them negotiate anything.
James and Tyler leave with the Pointies, heading for Singapore. They are the most carefully coiffed alliance ever, I think. James is pleased not to see anyone else on their flight, because as far as they know, it's the best available. , the teams heading for Hong Kong and Delhi leave, with Lyn stressing that they need to make the connection in Delhi and line up seats when they get there. Finally, Peter and Sarah and the BQs take off for Bangkok on the Thai Airlines flight. Or possibly, they are going to Tahiti. I hope the pilot knows which it is.
James and Tyler and the Pointies get to Delhi, and Kimberly wonders if they're allowed to sleep in the airport. They figure they'll have to. Meanwhile, Peter and Sarah and the BQs are in Bangkok, where they all are immediately thinking about getting a better flight from Bangkok to Chennai. They all go to the transfer desk and wind up talking to clerks who are basically around the corner from each other. Indeed, they discover a flight that will arrive in Chennai at 7:50 AM -- way ahead of the flight from Delhi that everyone else is trying so hard to make. When Dustin and Kandice are checking in, Peter comes over and looks over Kandice's shoulder at their tickets, which she is making no particular effort to conceal, and he comments that they're all doing the same thing. Kandice seems highly put off by this, which... I mean, it's looking over your shoulder, you know? It's not like he rifled through your underwear drawer and found all the pink lacy things. Both teams head for the boarding gate for this flight. For some reason, both teams seem to see this issue as somehow putting an end to any possibility that they will ever work together. I'm not sure exactly how that happened, but here we are. I feel like we missed something really dramatic in favor of a bunch of things that were really... not.
And now, in Delhi, the Addicts and Pointies are not at all happy to see that the *wins, the *lyns, and Dave and Mary are strolling in. Tyler calls this a "kick in the side," because they were hoping that they were out ahead of everyone. Fortunately, we manage to get through this part without Tyler telling us that, like, it was enough to make a guy want to take drugs or something. This is the first episode where I found myself kind of longing for an end to the addict angle. But anyway, Tyler doesn't know, of course, that if Peter and Sarah and the BQs have things go as planned, they'll be getting to Chennai even earlier, so he's actually at the tail end, and in a way, he should be happy to see other teams. Now, the *lyns and Dave and Mary have to hustle to the office where they try to get seats to Chennai, which of course they weren't able to get back at the ticket counter in Hanoi. Initially, they learn that there are no seats left, but the guy says that he'll do his best. They all wind up on the waiting list for the moment. Interestingly enough, as things play out, despite the fact that Mary seemed to be the one with the initiative back in the Hanoi airport, the *lyns are the ones who are able to get seats from Delhi to Chennai. Dave and Mary, on the other hand, are not so lucky. "I'm sorry, there is no room left on the plane." The plane takes off, and one of the A(AM!)s asks the *lyns whether Dave and Mary got on, and she says she doesn't think so. Uh-oh! I smell lollygaggers!
Commercials. Yes, CBS, I know I can watch your shows online. But could you fix the player so it doesn't crash about half the time? Thanks.
We return to Dave and Mary's airport follies, where it turns out that they will be getting on a plane that lands at 10:00, only about half an hour after the other flight, giving them a decent chance at being in the hunt.
Now we are in Chennai, and it's 7:50 in the morning, and a particular monkey of the Chennai population is severely pissed off. Phil explains that the teams have to get themselves to a bus station, then travel about 40 miles by bus to Mamallapuram. There, they'll find an arts and crafts place where they'll get another clue. The BQs and Peter and Sarah are both in taxis trying to get to the bus station. The taxis pull up near each other, and the drivers are trying to communicate about where they're going, and when the BQs' driver starts to tell Peter and Sarah's driver what he's doing, Dustin actually puts her hand over his mouth, which is so rude and inappropriate, I cannot even tell you. In an interview, Sarah says she supposes that pageant competition requires you to be a fierce person or whatever. Maybe it also requires you to muzzle others. That would be one way to win the interview portion, I guess. ("Miss New Hampshire, what would you recommend in the way of education reform?" "Mmph hmm nrrrrm stnnt." "Excuse me, Miss New Hampshire, could you repeat that?" "MMPH HMM NRRRM STNNT!") Before long, it does indeed appear that Sarah and Peter's driver is unsure of where he's going, so maybe that mouth-covering at least had some effect. If you're going to be rude, you might as well do it when it actually matters.
The BQs are the first at the bus station, and they get on a bus all alone for Mamallapuram. Peter and Sarah get on the bus.
At 9:20 AM, the bus lands from Delhi, carrying the Pointies, A(AM!)s, *wins, and *lyns. The *wins wind up in a little cab thing that looks like a cross between a golf cart and a tuk-tuk, and they tell the *lyns to follow them to the bus station. The A(AM!)s get themselves a cab, but the Pointies are still looking. Unfortunately for them, Tyler and James's driver quickly seems lost, and gets out of the cab to wander around and ask for directions. That guy is not, I would agree, confidence-inspiring. He finally returns, and they're theoretically on their way. Finally, at 10:00 AM, Dave and Mary's flight from Delhi arrives. They get into a taxi, and Mary says, "We do not think we're in last." The caption begs to differ, announcing that they are "Currently In Last Place." Witty, those editors. Dave explains that Peter and Sarah and the BQs should be behind them -- he assumes, of course, that they kept that noon arrival time, in which case he'd be right.
The BQs get off the bus and find the arts and crafts place. There's a sign, however, that says nobody is home, and the place will be open at 11:30 AM. This gives enough time that Peter and Sarah show up. The BQs give the update that nothing's happening until 11:30. "Nice job on the taxi," Peter snots. Yeah, I have to say, when you cover the driver's mouth, you do leave the guy an opening to say something a little snippy.
The *wins and *lyns get the bus to Mamallapuram. The Pointies get on another one. Karlyn tells us that she felt in India like she was a little more at home, because she was apparently the chubbiest lady in Vietnam, and she is a skinny lady. Elsewhere, on the bus the Pointies are on, Kimberly is saying, "Don't let anyone touch me." Oh, yes. That's the way to enjoy the world. I mean, I understand that some crowded forms of transportation wind up involving grabbing and other unpleasant things, but to get on a bus and be like, "Don't let anyone touch me!"? That seems like it might be an overreaction. And not a particularly nice one. It doesn't exactly get better when she wrinkles up her nose and says, "It smells like fish," and then she says she wants to go to Europe. It gets still worse when Rob talks about being stuck with really poor people and she chimes in with, "I want to be with the rich folk." Oh, don't we all.
Tyler and James have found their way to a bus stop, but there are no other teams around, and they're not too sure what they're doing.
At last, the arts and crafts person opens, and the BQs and Peter and Sarah get their clues. The clue is for a Detour, offering a choice between Wild Things and Wild Rice. In Wild Things, you go to a crocodile farm, where you help two crocodile-wranglers tie up and transport a big crocodile from one pit to another. In Wild Rice, you go about 200 yards away and copy a pattern on the ground, using a similar picture for reference, filling in each section with colored powder that is -- here's where the title is justified -- made from rice. Peter and Sarah and the BQs both select the crocodiles. Now all Sarah needs is an "EAT STUPID" shirt.
Tyler and James are concerned about how long it's taking for them to get a bus. Dave and Mary, on the other hand, are just now arriving at the bus station. Finally, Tyler and James get on a bus to Mamallapuram. At the bus station, Dave and Mary get on one as well.
In a taxi, Dustin is telling Kandice that she sure hopes handling the crocodiles doesn't mean she'll have to "touch their snout and stuff." Her happy moment of fantasizing about icky crocodile tasks is interrupted when the cab pulls over with a flat tire. Oops. This provides Peter and Sarah with an opportunity to blow right by, which they do. It seems like their driver would normally stop and help, but they obviously put the kibosh on that pretty quick. Peter and Sarah get to the crocodile place, and we see lots of terrifying shots of crocodiles snapping and climbing and jumping. As soon as they start heading for the pit, he's on her about not being fast enough. "Comin'," she says. She explains in an interview, again, that her knee isn't working very well right now, because when the hydraulic knee is blown, she can't really control it the way she normally would. They clamber over a fence into the pit, and they are directed toward their chosen crocodile. Peter is guided through snapping a rubber band over the crocodile's snout. Of course, when Sarah goes to do hers, he starts haranguing her, despite the fact that it looks like she's doing it basically correctly. HATE.
The BQs' driver gets the flat fixed. They're on their way. Finally, Sarah finishes rubber-banding the crocodile, so they can get on with the rest of what they're doing. They help carry the crocodile over to a sort of ladder-stretcher thing, where it begins to wriggle away. Peter commands Sarah to come and help, and she says that she's trying. The BQs arrive as Peter and Sarah are doing something involving their crocodile and a rope. They tie it to the stretcher and start carrying it, and Sarah makes the mistake of mentioning that it's a little scary. "It's not scary, Sarah," Peter says with disgust. The BQs make progress toward the crocodile pens. They got through the same rubber-banding process that Peter and Sarah did. Speaking of whom, Peter and Sarah make their way over another wall and into another pen, presumably where they will drop off the crocodile. They remove the ropes and bands and things. When they have the crocodile all done, they are given a clue, which tells them to travel by bus to Chennai. Phil explains that this is another 40 miles on the bus, and when they get there, they'll look for the Karthik Driving School, where they'll get another clue.
Peter and Sarah, "Currently In 1st Place," leave. He tells her she should be running, and she assures him that she's going as fast as she can. Of course, they miss the bus they're trying to catch by about ten seconds, meaning that Peter now hates her forever for being a big pokey slow slowpoke. "We missed the bus," he complains dejectedly. Sarah reads him loud and clear, and she says, "I can't go faster." "Sarah," he says in a pissy voice, "I'm not asking you to go faster." "Yes you are," she points out, "because I can't keep up with you." Peter is, as usual, disgusted with her. "Get it together, Sarah, come on." She says "Oh, [bleep]," and I dearly hope that was actually "Oh, [bleep] you," and we just didn't hear as much of it as we could have. Peter tells her that if she wants, he'll just go into weak-ass mode and not try to win or anything, if that's what she wants. Of course, she says that this isn't what she's saying. He doesn't really care. He tells her that he can't go halfway -- it's all or nothing. And isn't that what a partnership is all about? "Maybe you need to work on that," she says, and it is seriously about time. He tells her he's not working on anything -- he's completely happy with who he is. She says they're a team, and they're supposed to be working together. He has no idea what her issue is, because he thinks they are working together. "Remember, it's just a game, we're just having fun," he says. Sarah says what everyone else is thinking: "I'm not really having fun with you, Peter. I'm not."
Commercials. I'm not sure I understand the relationship of Campbell's Soup to this utopian future in which we will all wear white pajamas, but... all right.
When we return, we get the tail end of Peter and Sarah fighting again, and then we join the BQs, who are delivering their crocodile. They finish up and get their clue. They head for the bus and run into Peter and Sarah, who are still waiting.
The *lyns collect the Detour clue alongside the *wins. The *lyns think they want the rice, while the *wins want the crocs. The teams agree to stroll (and I do mean stroll) over and look at the rice task first, and then they can go to the crocs if it looks hard. When they get there, both teams decide to take a shot at filling in the design, but they immediately notice that it's about one billion degrees, and they're not feeling so much like they want to stand there all day sifting green powder into a pattern. Meanwhile, the Pointies get the Detour clue, and unsurprisingly, they want the crocs, who will make them feel right at home. They get in a cab, and as they drive, Kimberly comments on the thinness of a passing cow. "Is that a homeless cow?" she asks. There's a "boing-oing-oing" on the soundtrack here, like it's the stupidest comment ever, but I don't really get that, because I do understand what she's saying. A cow in the United States generally belongs somewhere -- it's not just wandering around. I think unaffiliated cows are something it's kind of weird to get used to for the racers. I'm not a big fan of her, nor am I any kind of fan of all the business about wanting to get away from the poor people and hang with the rich people, but "homeless cow"? I'm not mad at her for that.
Peter and Sarah and the BQs get on the bus back to Chennai.
And then, we are at the Rice detour, where the *wins and *lyns are noticing that the heat is rapidly becoming even more unpleasant than it already was. They decide that wrestling a crocodile and potentially running into Peter (okay, I added that) would be better than this, so they bail out in favor of the other Detour.
Rob and Kimberly wrangle the crocodile, and all of a sudden, they're done. I think the fact that there was so much intense airport drama required a trimming of the rest of the episode, because there's a lot missing. They get the Return To Chennai clue.
Here are the *wins and *lyns, heading for the crocodiles in those same little mini-cabs. As they travel, they go by a bus containing James and Tyler. Meanwhile, the Pointies learn that the buses come every 30 minutes, so they'll be waiting a while. They don't realize this, though, and they think they're going to get out ahead of everyone. Unfortunately, while they wait, the *wins and *lyns show up. I like it when the *wins are heading into the crocodile pits, and Godwin says, "You know James and Tyler do this every Tuesday, right?" Heh. Meanwhile, James and Tyler are reading the Detour information, and while they think the crocodiles will be faster, they're also worried about the fact that the crocodiles are first-come, first-served, and they have no idea where they really are. Furthermore, the Rice thing is right nearby, so they might as well go look.
Rob and Kimberly wait for their bus. The *wins wrestle their crocodile, followed by the *lyns. The big suspense comes when Lyn has trouble climbing up over the wall of one of the pens. "I can't, I can't," she frets. The suspense is not lasting, unsurprisingly, and she scampers over before long. Both teams finish up the crocs and leave together. They're quite surprised to spot the Pointies at the bus stop, and the Pointies are certainly not pleased to see them appear. Asked how long he's been waiting, Rob can only say, "Forever, bro!" It's nice that in a world where Kimberly likes almost no one, Rob considers everyone his bro.
Here are Tyler and James, checking out the Rice option. They think it could take a while, but it looks like they're staying for now. The Pointies, *wins, and *lyns hop a bus to Chennai, finally.
Speaking of Chennai, Peter and Sarah and the BQs are here at last. Peter and Sarah are the first to get into a cab on the way to the driving school. Dustin and Kandice are just behind. Meanwhile, Tyler and James are filling in their colored pattern, but they mix up the yellow and the beige at one point and have to redo part of it. "This is going to take forever," one of them laments. It's just like rehab.
In last place, David and Mary open the Detour clue. Mary wants to do the Rice, and while they take that option, Dave immediately starts complaining that they should have done the other thing. Mary is afraid that the crocodiles would have been far away. Also? She's afraid that the crocodiles would be crocodiles. When they arrive at the Rice task, they run into Tyler and James, who notice that Dave and Mary have put on some clothes that they were apparently supposed to put on, so they have to stop and do that. Mary almost immediately starts criticizing Dave's technique. "Lookit you making a mess," she moans. As they struggle to fill it in neatly, David is muttering, "This is one of your pickings," just making sure that if it doesn't work out, he can blame her. "What in the world makes you think that I would want to go wrestle a crocodile?" she asks. In fairness, not a lot, Mary. Not a lot. I kind of think it's curious that a guy who's already said he's afraid of water would bust on her for being afraid of getting eaten.
Peter and Sarah are at the driving school. "Who's the driving force behind this team?" asks the Roadblock clue they open there. Phil explains that as the clue implies, the Roadblocker here will have to learn local laws and go through a driving test to get a license. First, there will be driver's ed, and then there will be a road test. I suspect that will be... adventurous. It's the first Roadblock that was also an episode of Perfect Strangers, I think. Also, even though the introduction includes sounds of screeching brakes, I don't think that's actually supposed to happen when you're driving. Once you pass and get your license, you can get your clue.
Peter's class starts. He is shown how to drive with hand signals. His teacher is a big, big ham. He is told that if animals or children or anything else is around, he should loudly honk his horn. He soon is ready to get in the car and drive around. He almost gets mowed down by a bus, but it doesn't happen. Draw your own conclusions about the hostility of the universe, I guess. Dustin and Kandice are on their way there, but Peter is being congratulated by his instructor. Hearing him saying, "Am I doing it? Am I doing it?" is kind of creepy, honestly. If you have to ask, Peter, you're probably not doing it. Now Peter is finished, and he returns to Sarah, to whom he pays no attention as usual. As Dustin and Kandice arrive at the driving school, Peter and Sarah read the clue telling them to drive to the pit stop. Phil says that this is a ten-mile drive they'll take with their driving instructors -- which kind of makes me wonder if they're allowed to drive without their instructors. They'll go to Chettinad House, which is the pit stop. Last team to check in may be eliminated. Peter and Sarah leave for the pit stop.
Dustin heads in to do the Roadblock for her team.
Riceblock. Tyler and James are working away at filling in the pattern. Mary and Dave are trailing. In fact, the boys are almost done, and Mary and Dave are... not, so much. But when the boys think they're done and go to get their clue, they find out that they've done something wrong and have to redo part of the outside ring of the pattern. Art is a harsh mistress.
Dustin is apparently done with classes, because now, she's on the road. Woo-hoo! Her instructor does not seem entirely pleased with her. "You cannot drive the car just like that," he says a little sharply. But before you know it, he's all, "You did it!", and she's done. Yeah, things have gotten a bit abbreviated here at the end. "I'm so excited she didn't die!" Kandice says happily. Aw, they love each other! They get their clue for the pit stop.
Peter and Sarah are now at the pit stop, and they are running up to the mat. Congratulations, Peter and Sarah! You are team number one. Phil tells them that they've each won a home gym system with an elliptical trainer and an exercise bike. Yuck. Boo! "Instead of going to St. Maarten, you get to... work out!" BOO!
Rob and Kimberly get to Chennai and hop in a taxi to the driving school. The *lyns and *wins are looking for how to get there, but they wind up being told that they can walk.
Welcome, Dustin and Kandice. You are team number two. Phil asks them whether they're going to be the first girl-girl team to win. Kandice thinks so. I do not.
Rob takes the Roadblock for his team. "Do not drink and drive at any moment!" barks the hammy driver's ed teacher. It takes a minute for Rob to figure out what the guy is talking about ("Drink what?"), but he eventually catches on and laughs this creepy, breathy, hurry-up-or-I-will-cut-you chuckle.
This time, Tyler and James really are done with the Rice option. They hop a bus to Chennai. Dave continues whining about the fact that they should have done the crocodiles instead. They both play a role in the fact that they snipe at each other a lot, that's for sure.
Rob is driving! Rob is done! Faster, faster! They're leaving in first place! Godwin and Lyn take the Roadblock! They both drive! Lyn thinks people in India drive like jackasses! It's all too exciting! They're both done! It hardly started, and now it's over! Welcome, Rob and Kimberly! You are team number three!
Dave and Mary finish up their pattern, and finally, they can leave.
Welcome, Erwin and Godwin. You're team number four. Please explain your shirts. The *wins show that under Phil's picture, it says, "REWARD: Bushel of Kiwis." Now that is funny and weird in a way that I like. "That... really is an ugly shot of me," is all that Phil can say. There are no truly ugly shots of Phil, but I agree with him that the one the *wins have chosen is not flattering. Poor Phil. Objectified less than skillfully.
Tyler sits through driver's ed, very much enjoying the hammy instructor in spite of himself. He likes the honking. Honk!
Welcome, Lyn and Karlyn. You are team number five. "I don't see Dave and Mary," they fret. They just hope maybe it's a non-elimination leg.
Tyler finishes driving. Welcome, James and Tyler, you are team number six. "Oh my God, six," Tyler laughs, clearly having been unaware that things were quite that dire. They talk about the fact that perhaps this humbling experience is going to be useful to them later. Just like... oh, never mind.
It gets dark. Dave and Mary get the clue at the Roadblock, and Mary says that they knew at this point that they were last place. She calls the race "so aggravatin'," and she says that Dave never wants to quit. Dave takes the class, and then he goes out in the car -- which is probably a lot easier now that it's, like, the middle of the night. Fewer people to honk at. They head for the mat. Dave and Mary, you are the last team to arrive.
But! You are not eliminated. And! You do not have to beg. And! We are not taking your stuff. Your punishment for coming in last is this instead: you have to take a 30-minute penalty at the end of the leg (not the beginning, when you'd just get bunched, but at the end) unless you come in first, in which case you can avoid the penalty. Dave and Mary are very relieved to still be in it. Mary tells us that when tempted to give up, she just thinks of her kids. I'm glad they're not knocked out, I think, and I'm definitely glad that the episode isn't going to start out with the pointless, needless, vaguely sick-making sequence where they try to find boring tourists to take money from.
Executive Producer? Everyone's kids. No, not really. Jerry Bruckheimer, of course.
week: The BQs and the *lyns do not like each other. And... robot-controlled... camels? No? Because that's what it looks like.