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Look, Flo! It's Vietnam! This time, teams are confronted with flower-selling, which is rather uneventful, and with public buses, which are a little more hairy. Duke and Lauren have to run to catch up after encountering the worst Fern ever, and Tom can barely contain himself after deciding that Dustin and Kandice aren't the niceness queens. Everyone winds up close together at a coal-packing Detour, but Duke and Lauren get lost and get sidetracked to bird-cage construction. By the time they get finished, not even a penalty for Tom and Terry due to their failure to RTDC (that's Read The Damn Clue) can save them, and the father and daughter are Philiminated. In other news, Dave's father fought in Vietnam, but Mary thinks he needs to quiet down and run. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on You Phil Up My Senses Like A Night In The Forest: The teams headed for Mongolia, where they tackled a Detour with a broken ox for every drop of rain and a stubborn knot for every falling star. Dustin and Kandice had to suffer through the drama of being unable to find a helmet, while Sarah had to suffer through the drama of being unable to lose a jackhole. A Roadblock involving the flinging of flaming arrows in the general vicinity of a lot of Mongolians with carefully paid-up liability insurance turned out to be such a problem for an already trailing Jamie and Kellie that they had to head for the pit stop without finishing it. They are so going to hear about this at the pep rally, where they will be taunted with chants of "Wel-come, quit-ters! [clap, clap, clap-clap-clap]" the cheerleaders were Philiminated, and they went off to lick their wounds and polish their saddle shoes. Hope you girls had a good time. Nine teams left -- who will be eliminated... ?
Watching old episodes recently (oh, shut up, I was cleaning my apartment), I was surprised to remember that we all used to be so naïve that they blatantly told the teams whether someone would or wouldn't be knocked out at the end of the leg. We were all so much younger then. It's like watching old ice skating footage where there was no jumping, and it was just Dick Button gliding around in a suit.
Credits. I wonder if there's a network directive involving pretty boys only appearing playing basketball with their waxed chests exposed. Maybe it's supposed to make them look more vulnerable, like endangered dolphins, to take your mind off their tendency to dominate.
Commercials. Yeah. AOL is totally the king of airtight security. I trust them with my life. Save me, AOL! With your many unsolicited disks and your ubiquitous sound files!
We fade in on Mongolia, where Phil explains that their nomadic culture is 800 years old. So the average CBS viewer should feel right at home. Phil says the temple he's now standing in front of was the second pit stop. Looks a little isolated there. I think we are off the Mongolian interstate, so I wouldn't expect any gas stations attached to Burger Kings. ("Burgers King"?)
6:54 AM. Peter and Sarah. He starts the day by giving her this irritating little nudge, like he's kicking a washing machine to make it run. He's creeping me out. The clue tells them to fly to Hanoi, Vietnam, which Phil says is over 2300 miles. And, if you're with Flo, even longer than that. Hotcha! (But I kid Flo, because I love.) Phil further exposits that in Hanoi, the teams will head for the infamous prison known as the Hanoi Hilton. You may recall that one John McCain spent some time here. I have no joke for this, because the idea of spending eternity with fire licking at my ankles does not appeal to me. Sarah further reads that the teams are getting absolutely no money for this leg. Normally, this might induce gasping, but it's kind of hard to feel sorry for them about the lack of funds when it gets put right after the "prisoners of war" part. The rest of this whole leg is like that: "Yeah, you have to pack coal. Which is better than being a prisoner of war." "Yeah, that cab was really slow. Faster than you'd be able to travel as a prisoner of war, of course." Sarah also reads instructions telling teams what travel agency they are required to use for tickets -- it's at something called the Chinggis Khan Hotel. In the back of the car, Sarah reminds us that she's still on the bum prosthetic with the blown knee, and it's going to slow her down. She's glad they have a lead, because she thinks they might need it. Fortunately, she still has her ability to pre-board.
7:07 AM. James and Tyler. They look kind of jazzed about going to Vietnam. I will say that unlike Paris or Sydney, Vietnam strikes me as a place that even many travel-savvy Americans wouldn't think to visit, so I understand the reaction. Tyler says that he and James are happy so far with how things are going, and they haven't been fighting or anything. Hard to fight, of course, when you're both the same guy.
7:45 AM. Duke and Lauren. They seem a little alarmed by the total lack of funds. In the car, Duke comments to Lauren about girls walking arm-in-arm on the street. "You think they're just friends, or what?" he asks Lauren. Heh. She says she doesn't know, probably because she isn't an expert on analyzing lesbian relationships based on walking. Duke tells us in an interview that Lauren's sexuality isn't going to change. "If anything's going to change, it's me, and my acceptance," he says. "She's a beautiful person, inside and out." Aw. I love it when people say exactly what I hope they're thinking, because it makes me feel like I am right and the world is as it should be, which are my two favorite things. Lauren just seems excited about the trip to Vietnam, like some others. Duke comments that he didn't serve in Vietnam because his number didn't come up, but a lot of his friends did. And many of them didn't make it back.
7:52 AM. Tom and Terry. Tom explains to us that he and Terry are both independent, and they've only known each other for two years. Hell, that's only as long as Team Guido lived in Paris! (You can tell I really have been watching old episodes.) Terry wants to follow a bus to the hotel, but Tom is uneasy, which I think is not an unusual state for him. He's kind of jumpy and neurotic, and in that sense, he reminds me of like my parents' dog. Of course, I like my parents' dog. Tom tells us that it's going to be "stressful" to make decisions together, which I think would be less the case if he didn't freak out over every damn little thing. I tell the dog that all the time about thunderstorms and fireworks, incidentally. It never works.
In Peter and Sarah's car, she elaborates by saying that the clue that says they get no money also says that they may not beg (good!) and they may not sell their stuff. (Don't even make the joke. About Sarah. And selling stuff. Just don't.) She interviews that money management is pretty important to this particular race, as it turns out. She also says that she and Peter had $40, but that not everyone was that fortunate. Indeed, in Duke and Lauren's car, he comments that they only have $11. So they'll be getting by on their wits, for the most part.
Peter and Sarah arrive at the hotel, where they learn that the travel place opens at 9:00 AM. James and Tyler follow, and they learn the same thing.
8:11 AM. Dustin and Kandice. 8:13 AM. Rob and Kimberly. In the car, Dustin says that they'll at least become good with directions as a result of this experience. She interviews that it's not always easy being tagged with the "pageant girl" label -- I'm sure she's heard all she needs to of the spray-glue jokes that I and everyone else enjoy making. And Vaseline teeth, and taping your butt together, and flaming batons... have I left anything out? I'm sure I'll come up with it later when I ransack the Stereotype Library in an act of desperation. And then we're back in the car as Dustin tells Kandice that they will no longer need Mapquest after this. I suspect they will; they'll just be able to follow it without getting lost like most of the rest of us do. Kimberly tells Rob not to hit the dog that's in the road. "I'm not going to hit a dog," he says, really pretty patiently, all things considered. Kimberly interviews that if Rob is rude to her, they'll have to throw down. But honestly? As real assholes, I have to say, these two really aren't getting the job done. Bickering and getting kind of stressed and freaky, yes. But come on, Pointies! Stop basically liking each other! They proceed to get lost immediately, but they decide to turn around instead of flipping out. Way to think only of yourselves. What of those of us who need entertainment? Do we not matter to you at all? Jerks.
8:16 AM. David and Mary. In the car, David looks a bit haunted. He interviews that this clue immediately made him tear up the minute Mary read it, and back in the car, he says he's always been in his father's "footsteps," and indeed, his father served in Vietnam and talked very little about it. Unfortunately, he's in the middle of explaining this when Mary busts in to holler at him about the fact that everyone's passing them. On the one hand, I feel her, but on the other hand, that disappointed me. I'd rather have seen something more like, "David, I know you need to talk about this, but maybe later, because we're slowing down." Yelling over the sentimental moment just didn't come off well, because when you're the wife who hollers in full voice during the sentimental moment about the wargoing father, you risk never being able to run for Congress. Furthermore, David points out that he's already doing 60, and he tells Mary she should settle down since she can't see the speedometer anyway.
Duke and Lauren find their way to the hotel, and they run into the other waiting teams. Same with Tom and Terry, then Dustin and Kandice. The group lines up outside the travel agency, and they're soon joined by Dave and Mary.
8:18 AM. Erwin and Godwin. Godwin says he's already won in his heart, because every moment of the race and "doing it with [his] brother" is a great opportunity. So that will be topping "I did it with my best friend," I guess, when it comes to the who'd-a-thunk-it quotient.
The Pointies make it to the hotel with help from what sounds like a friendly Australian. For some reason, Australians on television always appear friendly. I'm sure there are Australians who butt in line and don't tip, but for some reason, the ones on American TV are always nice. No wonder Olivia Newton-John did so well.
And now: drama. Basically, the travel agency opens, and there are four agents, and Tom and Terry don't get their asses to an agent, despite getting into the room where the agents are first. They walk right by one, in fact, so Dustin and Kandice walk up and speak with her. Tom realizes he fucked up, so he gets all bent out of shape, snotting about how they "cut the line," which they didn't. There's no cutting where the line has already given you everything it entitled you to, which is getting through the door and into the agency first. What you do after you get in there is up to you, and absent pushing and shoving, the fact that you don't go in the right direction is really a "too damn bad" kind of situation, it seems to me. It's very much a redo of the Esquire/Guido fight from season one, which also struck me as a whole lot of dumb. (You'll remember, that's when Sars first famously observed that it's The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Montessori School.) The line is a line for keeping order, not a line that grants you any entitlement to anything. If there weren't a door that required you to go in single file, I'd say you weren't required to form any kind of line at all. In other words, you're in line for the door, not the ticket agents. They got exactly what the line promised -- they got in the room before Dustin and Kandice, and had they handled it properly, they'd have gotten tickets first. James throws in an interview about how Dustin and Kandice are "conniving," but... that isn't conniving. That's just not pulling someone else over and saying, "Pardon me, but I think you did something that might disadvantage you, so do come over here and rectify it before it works to your disadvantage. Come now, and hurry!" It's like they don't want the girls to be fair; they want them to be Australian.
The best part of this whole thing is when Tom gets up in the girls' faces and is like, "We were friends with you guys! We thought we could trust you!" This from the guy who proudly proclaimed he wasn't there to make friends. It's interesting how other people's ruthlessness is evil, and yours is "just a game." Tom mutters to Terry, "They are not going to win a beauty pageant of kindness." I have to say, "a beauty pageant of kindness" just about broke my twee-o-meter, and what the hell is a beauty pageant of kindness? Isn't the joke, "They're not going to win a kindness pageant"? It's still stupid, but it's less random, and at least it makes grammatical sense. ["Or at the very least haul out the tried-and-true 'Miss Congeniality' line. It's creaky, but it's less 'jerk store' awkward." -- Joe R] I would also point out that this emphasizes that Tom didn't think they should have gotten tickets first out of fairness -- just kindness. As a favor. Because we're all in love here. Be kind! Lie down and let me pass you! I think Tom is not going to win a beauty pageant of logic.
9:02 AM. Lyn and Karlyn. Lyn says that she wants the money, but the race is very painful and not glamorous. Just like childbirth! Oh, come on. I don't need weekly childbirth jokes, y'all. They're perfectly nice ladies, so let's just let them talk. About, you know, things other than their official show gimmick. On the other hand, an epidural would make some episodes a little easier for me to tolerate.
All the teams at the travel agency wind up getting the same flight to Vietnam, going through Beijing and arriving in Hanoi at 9:00 PM. They are assured that this is the fastest way, so between this and the bunch waiting for the travel agency to open, this flight appears to have been everyone's destiny from the start. The *wins and *lyns follow, and Mary fills them in on the flight information to make sure nothing goes wrong. Aw. It's an alliance of the bottom-feeders, and I can always get behind that.
As everyone waits to leave, Dave wraps up Mary's ankle, which you'll remember she sprained at the end of the last leg. She tells him not to wrap it too tight, because it still hurts, but he reminds her that she'll have to "suck it up" when it comes to some of the challenges. "I've gotta keep going," she says in an interview, "'cause I didn't leave my kids for nothing." Aw. Good mom. I think it's pretty clear that she's going to benefit a ton from this experience in ways that are totally going to trickle down to her kids, so I think she already didn't leave them for nothing. Still, might as well wrap up the ankle and do your best.
The AYL assists Phil in showing all the teams winging their way to Hanoi via Beijing. And then, we are in Vietnam, with fans and bikes and rivers. The flight lands at 10:58 PM, so they're running about two hours late at this point. Dustin and Kandice are the first to get into a taxi and head to the prison. They note that the ride will cost at least $10, and they're thinking it's going to suck for Duke and Lauren and their $11 much more than it sucks for Dustin and Kandice's own $24. It's been a long time since money management was a big factor, and it's interesting that it's been introduced at the same time the casting got less gimmicky and the tasks got a little more task-like and a little less haystack/needle. There is some returning to form going on here, and it's very encouraging. I have a horrible fear of being one of those people who keeps going back for the album from some washed-up band thinking it's going to be good again, but I'm genuinely optimistic that they've found their feet again.
The Pointies are , then the A(AM!)s. Peter and Sarah are a bit impeded by her bad leg, which is forcing her to sort of skip along. She reminds him that she can't go all that fast at this point, which you'd think he might be able to remember. This is about the time when it occurs to me that the best thing that could happen on the race would be Peter breaking his arm. How fucking brilliant would that be? In fact, if I had a time machine, I would use it to send one of my burly friends back in time to break Peter's arm. Then I would suggest something constructive, like, "Hey, why don't you wave your cast around and try to get strangers to give you a nickel?" Duke and Lauren, meanwhile, have themselves a Fern, whom Duke met on the plane, and who's supposed to ride along with them and help them get to the prison. Unfortunately, her first act as their Fern is to tell them to wait for her, and then she disappears. That is so against the charter. They're totally going to take her Ferning credentials. Banned! Lauren protests to her dad that they don't have time to wait around, but he thinks it will be really important to have someone with them who knows the language. The *wins get into a van, and Lauren frets at being passed by them. Lyn and Karlyn have a van as well, and they try to make room in it for Mary and Dave (whom they still affectionately call "Kentucky"), but the van turns out to be unable to accommodate everyone, so they just have to go without Mary and Dave. "Dave and Mary are just sweet people," Lyn says. She attributes their bond to "what most southern folks do." Many northern folks as well, there, Lyn. Ever been to the Minnesota State Fair? I didn't think so. Come for the family fun; stay for the mini-donuts. Dave and Mary do get a cab and get going. "We like fast," Dave informs their driver.
Terry and Tom get themselves a cab. Duke and Lauren? Still waiting around. They finally go chase down their Fern so that they can leave. In the taxi, Duke is upbeat, but Lauren saw everyone -- everyone -- go past them, and she's worried. I will warn you right now, this is an episode of many fake-outs in terms of what's going to be significant.
Dustin and Kandice drive along, hoping they're near the prison. And then suddenly, they come upon a traffic delay in the form of an overturned truck. For whatever reason, like curious looky-loos throughout history, they get out to see what's going on. Rob and Kimberly pass, followed by Tyler and James, who think it's pretty amusing that the moral of this leg so far is that rubbernecking doesn't pay. The rest of the teams all come upon the wreck as well, with the exception of Duke and Lauren, who have of course been taken in a different direction and are avoiding the wreck altogether. The bad news for them, however, is that their Fern has actually told the driver to take her to her brother's first. It's unlikely that she's going to see her brother at the prison in the middle of the night unless this show is about to get a lot more interesting, so this is not good news for Duke and Lauren. And how far is it from Fern's brother's house to the prison? "Thirty minutes," she tells them. Bad Fern! "Now, we're last," Lauren frets. I do think Lauren is underestimating the likelihood that whatever they're going to in Vietnam won't open until morning, because that's hardly unusual in these situations.
Commercials. Hey, what can I say? America loves a feisty girl with a prosthetic leg.
When we return, Duke and Lauren are getting more bad news -- the fare from the airport will be between $10 and $20. And of course, they only have $11. They get Fern dropped off, but as they drive on, Lauren is concerned about getting in trouble with the police for failing to pay their driver. Oh, Lauren. That couldn't happen! I mean, not unless you were an arrogant megalomaniacal jackass!
Tyler and James and the Pointies hit the prison and learn that it opens at 8:00 AM. Very soon, the gang is all here, with the exception of Duke and Lauren. Of course, everyone's waiting until tomorrow morning, so who cares? Peter is excited about being able to say he "camped out in Vietnam." I have a feeling Peter often gets jazzed about what he's going to be able to say about himself, which is sort of why I don't like him. I have the sense that his internal PR department never rests. Duke and Lauren get to the prison, and Duke pats his pockets and explains to their cabbie that the $11 he's giving is all the money he has. While the cabbie blanches, he eventually takes the money and shakes Duke's hand. I hate it when this happens, because the driver is getting ripped off, and the reason they don't get in trouble is that (1) it's not cost-effective for him to bicker, and (2) they have cameras with them. It just makes me uneasy every time. You don't have someone provide a service you've agreed to pay for knowing that you can't pay for it, and I really don't like it when the teams are like, "Oh, this guy was so kind." "Kind" is what the guy is if you tell him up front, "I don't have the money; can you take me anyway?" This is something different; not so much kindness as failure to call the police when put over a barrel. It's not like I hate them or anything, but it's really just about the worst thing they do to the locals, and even nice teams occasionally do it. To me, riding in a taxi is an agreement that you have the money. If you don't, you don't take the taxi.
The morning at 8:00 AM, the teams are gathered at the door of the prison. When the gate opens, they all receive clues. The clues tell them that hundreds of U.S. servicemen were held here. Phil restates this as we see some old footage, including a photo of a young John McCain, who was there for five years. Five years. That is a long damn time. Five years as a prisoner of war? If that doesn't make you shudder, you know? Phil explains that the teams have to search the grounds of the prison to find McCain's flight suit, which we see is in a glass case with a clue guy standing to it. Dave says, "I'm just honored to be here, really just for my dad." Aw. Everyone takes a moment to be moved, and then it is time for the doors to open. Enough emotion! Time for pushing and shoving!
They all enter the prison grounds and start trying doors. Different teams go in and out of rooms, past displays showing how prisoners were shackled together and so forth. Mary and Dave peer into a cell. "Gosh, look how tiny," she says. Tom and Terry are the first to wander into the right room and find the flight suit. They collect their clue, and it's Terry, of course, who tells Tom that they should pause for a minute out of respect. I don't know that I think pausing for a minute is all that much more respectful than just knowing in your heart that you feel respect, provided you're not rude. Plus, they're in the lead, which is the easiest time to take a moment. It's the moment you take at no cost to yourself. As other teams approach, Tom and Terry bolt. into the room is Peter, and then the Pointies, and Sarah is a little bit behind. The clue guy holds out a clue to Kimberly, but for some reason, Peter reaches over and snatches it. See? This show is breaking stereotypes all over the place, including the one that says people who devote their lives to working with the disabled are nice. James and Tyler get their clue , and Peter is pissed off and irritated that he has to wait for Sarah. That slacker! She gets there at last, and they get their clue. Then Duke and Lauren, then Dustin and Kandice, who run into the *lyns and Dave and Mary on the way out and say, "First room." Those conniving bitches! Those two teams get their clue.
The *wins agree that they'll go inside and have a moment of silence. It looks, for whatever reason, a lot more genuine to me than what Tom and Terry did, which looked more like they just didn't want to look bad. The *wins are in last, and they seem to have avoided the crush of people almost on purpose so they could do this, which is interesting. In a voiceover, they say that they decided to take this moment not only out of respect for the people who were held in Hanoi, but also for the people who are sacrificing and putting themselves on the line right now, which: good point. Erwin says they didn't want to rush through, "even if it meant that [they] would be in last place." That's nice. Like I said, I can't really explain why this seemed more genuine, but it did. Of course, it often turns out that this results from the complex scientific variable called I Like You, But I Don't Like You.
Outside, teams read their clue, which tells them to go to Hanoi's Old Quarter and find a flower shop. Phil explains that this is a one and one-half mile trip, where they have to search for the shop, where they'll find another clue. Hey, it's the crowded streets! Of this chaotic marketplace! The best part of any race! How about some Horns of Perseverance? Teams grab taxis. The *wins do seem to be cooperating with Dave and Mary about where to get cabs and how much it's supposed to cost -- two dollars. Of course, if you're Duke and Lauren, this is two dollars more than you have. And indeed, Duke and Lauren, unlike every other team, are making the trip on foot. "No cash for a taxi," Duke says. It sucks, because... I mean, the mile and a half isn't going to kill you, but it's potentially slower.
Peter and Sarah get to the flower shop, followed by Terry and Tom and Mary and Dave. Terry and Tom make it to the clue first. It's a Roadblock, and as Phil explains, the chosen person has to sell flowers on the street off a bicycle. You have to sell until you make the equivalent of $5, and you can keep as much money as you make, Duke and Lauren. Tom takes the Roadblock, while elsewhere, Mary is getting a friendly Vietnamese gentleman to give her directions to the flower shop. Second to the shop, somewhat surprisingly, are the *wins. Maybe it did give them good karma to stop in front of the flight suit. Erwin takes the challenge for his team, so now he and Tom are both rolling around on these bikes. I think you probably don't actually want to pedal the unwieldy, flower-packed bike all that much. Peter takes the challenge for his team and immediately starts selling, rather than riding around. There is a rather amusing "ch-ching!" sound effect being used here. Tom and Erwin are both just begging for help, but Peter appears to be selling well from the start. As Tyler walks toward the shop, he sees Tom, on a bike, in a conical hat, selling flowers, and he can't help cackling. It's that cackle of, "So it's that, is it?" If you think about it, it would be pretty funny to see people in the middle of a Roadblock before you have a chance to read the clue. Erwin promptly crashes his flower bike, which is not a good development. I think the message is to push the flower bike, not ride it. Rob and James take the Roadblock, and then Kandice, Dave, and Lyn. Duke and Lauren, meanwhile, are still walking to the flower shop. "Damn, it's hot," Duke remarks. Yes, Duke. Hot, and slow, and confusing, and you're about to add a bike to the equation. Good luck!
Rob has some luck selling flowers to a couple of women. Same with Peter. In an interview, Sarah comments that her blond Peter seemed to be very popular with the women, who were all eager to buy from him, because they are not in the position of trying to run on a blown-out knee in situations in which he makes unreasonable demands on them. She leaves out the last part. Sarah does comment, quite correctly, that she needs to do the Roadblock. "I've just got to jump in with both feet... no pun intended." See? She does it herself. She's not mad at you because you can't stay away from the foot puns. She knows that you will never know how many expressions involve "stand," "leg," and "foot" until you try to talk about a person in her position. Peter and Sarah have enough money, so they take it to a nice lady who counts it for them and hands them their clue. It tells them to take a public bus to Vac. Phil explains that this is a 30-mile trip, and when they get to Vac, they have to hunt for a Buddhist temple where there will be a clue. As they head for the bus station, Peter is fretting over making sure they get on the right bus. Do you think that could be... foreshadowing?
Rob is nearly done selling, and James is going back for more flowers. And Godwin, for whatever reason, is positively screeching Erwin's name. "Shut up," Erwin mutters as he gets back on his bike. It turns out that what Godwin wants to point out is that there's a crowd gathering right in front of the shop to buy flowers, so you don't really need to take the bike anywhere. Still, it's been a while since I heard anyone scream quite like that. I'm sure the Vietnamese flower-purchasing public is very impressed. In an interview, Godwin says that even the most intelligent guy isn't going to compete with a couple of hot women when it comes to selling flowers. I don't know if it's that, given that Peter did so well. I think it's more that some graduate students have impaired flirting abilities, which is why they wind up with other graduate students. Things get very chaotic, and ultimately, Tom winds up yelling very rudely at a couple of locals who are trying to buy flowers. He seriously needs to relax. That is not welcome, and venting your spleen at people is not the way you turn them into customers. "This is chaos!" Tyler hollers.
Duke and Lauren arrive at the flower shop at last. She thinks that because her dad is "in sales," he should take it. Hey, it's as good an argument as any, I suppose. Rob's all done, and so is Kandice, so they go to be counted and get their clue. It's interesting -- several people thought that they saw Dustin helping sell the flowers, but she didn't at all. I think the fact that other people kept referring to "the girls" and "two young females" kind of created that illusion, but Dustin didn't do a thing. James is finished, too, so he and Tyler leave in fourth place. You'll notice that Tom is very bad at this, because he's not nice. He isn't going to win a beauty pageant of salesmanship. As James and Tyler get set to go to the bus station, there's a guy who wants to give them a ride on his motorbike, but they say no -- they need a bus, not a motorbike.
Peter and Sarah are at the bus station trying to figure out which bus to get on. A guy in a uniform points at a bus. "Vac?" Sarah says. "Vac?" They seem to be getting directions that this is the right bus to get on, so they hop aboard. "I'm hoping this is the right one. I think it is," she says. They seemed to ask the right questions, so you can't entirely fault them.
Erwin and Godwin are finished with flower-selling, so they leave in fifth place. Finally, Tom and Terry are done, too. Vietnam has all the flowers it needs from you, Tom. It doesn't want to exchange Christmas cards with you.
On Peter and Sarah's bus, a couple of locals inform them that they are on the wrong bus -- this bus is not going to Vac. Erwin and Godwin, on the other hand, hop on what is captioned "1st Bus To Vac." Fortunately for Peter and Sarah, the guy they meet knows which bus goes to Vac, and it's bus 22. They get off the bus at the stop, and they get to what is supposedly a stop for bus 22, along with a lot of other buses. But of course, they're not at the bus station anymore, so there is a lot more uncertainty introduced into the equation. You never know how strange bus systems work, and if it were me, I'd be going everywhere I could until I found some information on exactly how long I was going to have to wait for bus 22.
The *lyns and Dave and Mary get their clues and head for the bus station. Tyler and James and Dustin and Kandice run into each other, as none of them have found the buses yet. Rob and Kimberly? Also not sure where they're going. I like the fact that Kimberly is telling Rob not to look for Vac on the map, but just to look for the bus station. At any rate, this whole thing went really well for Erwin and Godwin, who apparently had a bus magically materialize in CGI at the very moment they needed one. I don't see them as magical finders of all things transportation-related, so I have to think the fortunes smiled, at least to some degree.
Hey, remember Duke and Lauren? Well, Duke is selling flowers, and Lauren says in an interview that he "did a great job." She says the ladies loved her dad, and this, of course, would have been a great moment for a line about how this is what she and her dad have in common, but I guess she's too dignified. Unlike some of us. She calls Duke over and tells him that they have enough money, so they hand it over to the counting lady, who counts it out and sends them on their way. They're very pleased to be allowed to keep the money, that's for sure. Some money is emphatically better than no money.
Currently getting on the "2nd Bus To Vac" are Tom and Terry, which irks me. Boo! Stop having good luck after being mean! Peter and Sarah, on the other hand, are still waiting by the side of the road. Rob and Kimberly catch sight of Dustin and Kandice and Tyler and James getting help to the bus station, so they tag along. The *lyns seem to have the same idea. Not only that, but Duke and Lauren see them as well, having made up the difference from the walk just while the other teams tried to find the bus station. So all these teams are together as they reach the bus station, but they see that it's across the street, and crossing this street is going to be no picnic, given the constant stream of trucks and motorbikes. The inevitable "Frogger" comparison follows, and it's surprisingly apt. I enjoyed the forum discussions of this, in which someone commented that the way to handle this is to walk confidently across the street, in which case the motorbikes will just work around you. I would not have the courage for that, I'll tell you right now. But they have no choice, so everyone crosses, and it seems to be going okay until the part where Kimberly comes extremely close to being run down by a motorbike. But it screeches to a halt just before hitting her. "Babe!" Rob says, like a reprimand. "I'm okay," she says, a little embarrassed and plenty scared. That certainly felt like a very close call, though it also may be a situation where motorbikes know just how to speed up to you and stop in order to drive home the point about how they're irked that you're in the way. So I'm not sure whether she was ever in any real danger, but still. This gang gets to the bus station, where they run into Dave and Mary, who got here with help from their new local pals. So, on the "3rd Bus To Vac," we have all the remaining teams -- Pointies, Beauty Queens, A(AM!)s, *lyns, Duke and Lauren, and Dave and Mary. Duke says that he's very pleased that they've caught up with a lot of teams who had a big lead over them leaving the flower shop.
Currently screwed: Peter and Sarah, who were out first, but who are still waiting by that bus stop. There is no sign of bus 22. "Crap. We're out of it," she says. Hey -- none of that. Peter looks concerned. I am thinking this may be the universe getting back at him for the snatching of the clue earlier. The universe hates that.
Commercials: If I told you about the email I received about the Lexus commercial claiming that New York is "the birthplace of gridlock," you would not believe me. Suffice it to say that there are people who are very angry about this commercial.
When we return, Dave is staring out the windows of the bus. He explains how it's amazing to him to think about his father being in this very place, only involved in a war, of course. He says that to see a rice paddy and imagine what his father might have gone through is really something. Fortunately, since they're riding a bus, Mary is not forced to jump in and start yelling at him about how he's going too slow, so he has a better opportunity to finish his thought than he did last time.
The first bus, carrying the *wins, arrives in Vac. They get directions to the temple. Again, there's a guy offering to provide a ride on his motorbike, but they decline politely. Phil uses this opportunity to explain that, for reasons of safety, the teams are completely not allowed to drive or ride in motorbikes while they're in Vietnam. Did you hear that? For safety reasons, completely not allowed.
Finally, bus 22 comes to rescue Peter and Sarah. They double-check that they are at least going to get to Vac eventually, and indeed, the captions say, "Last Bus To Vac." That should totally be a song. Get on it, Dave Clark Five! Sarah explains on the bus that they suspect they're in last place, so they'll just have to try to catch up as best they can.
At the temple, Erwin and Godwin are greeted by a swirling, dancing, dragon-stomping ritual that they have to kind of bust through to get to the clue box that everyone is dancing around. "Awesome!" one of them observes. Heh. They make it to the clue, which is a Detour called "Fuel or Fowl." In Fuel, as Phil explains, you go on foot to a "work station," where you form wet coal, like a paste, into 30 bricks using a press. When you have 30 good bricks, you get your clue. In Fowl, you travel on foot to a courtyard, where you use traditional materials to make a birdcage. The *wins decide that the birdcage will be harder, so they're going with Fuel. Tom and Terry are right on their heels, arriving second in Vac. And, fatefully, to the sound of ominous horns, Tom and Terry hop on the back of a couple of motorbikes for the ride to the temple. They are not going to win a beauty pageant of paying attention.
Meanwhile, the *wins hit the Fuel Detour. Basically, to make the bricks, you sprinkle some seeds or something in the bottom (so it comes out easier, I assume, like flouring a cake pan?), then you form a wad of coal and pound it into this metal form. Use a lever, almost like a garlic press mechanism, to mush it down, then pop it back out. The *wins make their first brick.
At the temple, Tom and Terry get their clue. "One birdcage may take forever," Terry observes, so they decide to do the coal bricks.
The *wins have finished 30 little bricks, but they are informed that their bricks are substantially too short, and won't count. Wow, that sucks. If they won't check your work until the end, and you've made 30 before you learn that your method is wrong? This could take a long time.
Now the famous and heavily-used 3rd Bus To Vac arrives. Teams fan out looking for the temple. Dave asks after Mary's ankle, and she says she thinks she's really hurt it, but she keeps walking. The *wins are still working on their coal bricks when Tom and Terry arrive. "Oh, it's like Play-Doh!" one of them comments. Sigh. There are a bunch of locals gathered around watching people make bricks, and they seem to particularly enjoy coaching a very confused Terry through the process of making bricks, using the international language of "No, dummy, do it like this, like what I'm doing with my hands right now... no, like this, dummy." Back at the temple, Tyler and James, Dustin and Kandice, and Rob and Kimberly are retrieving the Detour clue. And they're all taking Fuel. And guess who's right behind them? Duke and Lauren, not doing too badly. They pick Fuel, and the *lyns do as well. I'm curious about what people found so off-putting about making a birdcage. I think I might have picked that one, thinking it would be a task of precision and paying attention, and the other one would be a task of endurance. No one agrees with me, though, so the clump of teams starts running through the streets looking for the Fuel location. And Duke and Lauren follow. As these people are leaving, Dave and Mary are arriving at the temple. "Oh, wow. It's one of those things you see on tee-vee, Dave!" Mary says happily. So in Mary's world, other cultures exist, but only on cable. Mary really does strike me as one of those people where... the lack of multiculturalism doesn't just mean she hasn't been to China. It means she's never opened a fortune cookie. They run in, with Mary shrieking, "'Scuse me! 'Scuse me!" the whole time, which is kind of cute. They choose the Fuel Detour, duh, because Dave works with coal. I understand the thinking, but I doubt the skills are going to be similar.
The *wins and Tom and Terry are making bricks. Tom and Terry are finding, as the *wins did, that the making of the bricks is only half the battle, because not all their bricks are of a quality that anyone will count them. The *wins, on the other hand, are doing well and getting their clue. They are all done. The clue tells them to go on foot to the pit stop. Phil says it's only "a short distance" to the mat, which is located in an "expansive rice paddy." A guy agrees to take the *wins there, so they leave.
Hey, it's Peter and Sarah! In Vac! At last! Sarah is not happy that they're going to have to walk a kilometer to the temple. "You're moving kind of slow on that," he scolds as she follows him. "It's the knee," she reminds him. "I can't move much faster." I find it remarkable that he would be reprimanding her like this, precisely because he probably does understand what's causing it. Is he suggesting he doesn't know what the effect of the blown-out knee is? Doesn't he make these? Did he forget? Is he just the face of the prosthetics business, kind of like Remington Steele? "One kilometer," he says flatly. "That's a piece of cake! You can do it?" She continues to sort of skip.
The big clump of teams looking for Fuel has gotten itself lost. Duke and Lauren stop to get directions, and by the time they look up, they've lost track of everyone else and are on their own. Elsewhere, Peter and Sarah -- who are currently in last place, despite the caption that says "Currently In 1st Place" -- finally get the clue for the Detour at the temple. They pick the Fuel, like everybody else. And somewhere, James and Tyler get someone to lead them, while Duke and Lauren realize that now, they're really lost. "We're in a maze," Lauren remarks dramatically, handing the editing staff a perfect transition into commercials.
to the Fuel Detour are Dave and Mary, somewhat surprisingly. Dave gets instructions in brick-making, while Tom and Terry are up to about ten bricks. This is not their cup of tea, I don't think. Dustin and Kandice and Rob and Kimberly are wondering where James and Tyler went. Well, James and Tyler are at Fuel, where Mary teases them about what took so long for them to get here. The guys tell Dave they figure the Detour must be just his thing. "This ain't real coal," Dave mutters. "Ours is hard. Theirs is mud." Dear Dave: "Real" does not equal "like mine." Just a note.
The *wins, with their helpful local, approach the rice paddy, where Phil is standing on the platform where the mat is. "Welcome to Vietnam," the greeter says when they get there. Welcome, Erwin and Godwin. You are team number one, and you win a big old entertainment center. They are very excited. They haven't exactly been frontrunning, so I think they're just happy for the victory, more than for the entertainment center. "Woo! Vietnam!" they yell as they jump up and down. Hee. They just love Vietnam as a homeland, even though they're not Vietnamese.
Meanwhile, Duke and Lauren stumble across the birdcage-making Detour, even though it's not what they were looking for. But they're smart enough not to keep randomly walking around, so they decide they'll cut their losses and do this Detour. Duke figures that the other teams may still be wandering around looking for Fuel anyway. Indeed, the Pointy/Dustin-Kandice/*lyns group is still wandering. But finally, they make their way to Fuel, where Rob greets Tyler with "Hey, Ty, what do we have to do, bro?" So apparently, they're friends now. The newly arrived teams all try to watch the demonstration and figure out the coal. Kandice interviews that once they got going making their bricks, they did really well and "got this rhythm going." "We had a little brick factory going today!" Dustin says. I'd love it if that were a Ramona Quimby shout-out.
Mary is hassling Dave for not making the bricks big enough, and he admits in an interview that his mind just wasn't on racing today. It was on his dad, and he knows that he was kind of zoned out all day. Dave says that he just wasn't sure how people in Vietnam would even feel about Americans running around. It certainly looks like they're not hostile or anything, Dave. If you noticed, Mary's made all kinds of friends today, and you'd be lost if she hadn't. Don't fear the locals, Dave. I don't think they're holding it against you.
And finally, Peter and Sarah arrive at the Detour. Peter comments in an interview about how there were already a bunch of teams working when they got there, so they just got down to work. Finally, Tom and Terry finish their bricks and get to leave. A whole bus later, and all that running around, and they still didn't get gone before the rest of these people were partway through the task. Will I go to hell if I say they should have picked the birdcage? Tom and Terry leave for the pit stop.
Duke and Lauren are working on assembling their birdcage. He's looking on the bright side and thinks that this decision may work out fine for them.
Welcome, Tom and Terry. You're the second team to arrive at the pit stop. But hey, guess what? Remember the motorbikes you weren't supposed to ride? Well, you did. And it was against the rules. And you're getting a penalty of 30 minutes. Now usually, that would be thirty minutes plus any time you gained, which certainly seems like it would be appropriate here. If it was a kilometer, it's not a long way, but they gained a few minutes. In fact, they presumably wouldn't have been offered motorbike rides or taken them if they wouldn't gain something. At least a minute or two, I'd think. That doesn't seem quite fair.
Other teams work away on their Fuel and Fowl Detours, and then we return to Tom and Terry, who will have to stand off the mat and wait half an hour as other teams check in. Oooh, yikes. "It's over," Terry despairs. Now, none of that.
Commercials. What am I more sick of than regular Peyton Manning? Fake-moustache Peyton Manning.
We return to watch Duke and Lauren really working quite well together at constructing their birdcage. He's urging her to keep a positive attitude, and she's having that "Thanks, Dad" moment where you try not to hit him. Dave and Mary are almost done with the bricks, and James and Tyler are even closer. James and Tyler leave in third place, while Dave and Mary and Dustin and Kandice each have a couple of bricks left. Rob is concerned about finding the energy to finish. Peter and Sarah are surprisingly close, as well. See? Peter is a machine. In lots of ways. Dave and Mary get out first among these teams, so they're in fourth place as they leave for the pit stop. Dustin and Kandice leave in fifth. But as these teams leave, we see Dave and Mary's fanny pack sitting on the ground. Rob and Kimberly finish the coal and leave in sixth place. Peter and Sarah finish and leave in seventh, to the disbelief of the *lyns, who aren't done yet and got there earlier. I think they're going to turn into the Boris and Natasha, and Peter and Sarah are the... well, the moose and the squirrel with the prosthetic leg.
Dave and Mary are a little ways down the street toward the pit stop when they realize they don't have the fanny pack, so Dave tells ankled Mary to wait, and he runs back for it.
Welcome, Tyler and James. You are team number two.
Duke and Lauren work on their birdcage. Dave returns and grabs the fanny pack. The *lyns get their bricks done and leave. Peter and Sarah are moving, and Peter says something to Mary about whether they've "got everything," and I can't tell whether that's supposed to be polite or whether it's disgustingly assy, but I think he was trying to be nice, in his way. Peter does tell Sarah that they can outrun Dave and Mary. Duke and Lauren are almost finished with their birdcage. Rob and Kimberly and Dustin and Kandice are heading across the rice paddy toward Phil, and it's the Pointies who get there first. Welcome, you're team number three. And the BQs are team number four.
And then, the worst shot of the episode. Traversing the rice paddy appears to require walking down a narrow path that won't work with Sarah's leg in its current condition, so as Peter blithely walks ahead of her yapping about how great their teamwork was, she hunkers down and sort of crab-crawls it, holding on with her hands as she scoots forward. That is a tough girl. I mean, it's not like I expect him to give her a ride unless she wants, but he could act like he's aware of where in the hell she is. Otherwise, it makes him look like the biggest prick ever born, and frankly, even if this doesn't actually mean he's the biggest prick ever born, I'm happy that for all the other prick behaviors, he is suffering this indignity. They land on the mat and are team number five. "Guys, this has got to suck," Phil says to Tom and Terry as they wait out their penalty. Heh. Doesn't suck for me!
Duke and Lauren finish and turn in their birdcage, so they can head for the pit stop at last. At the finish mat, Tom and Terry boo-hoo over their rules violation.
My favorite part of the episode is this: Mary and Dave are on their way to the pit stop when they realize that there's a team behind them. It turns out that it's their friends, Lyn and Karlyn. The *lyns do run fast, but Lyn calls out, "You've got to hurry, Mary, hurry, hurry." In an interview, Lyn says she is not a "fair-weather friend." Aw. As these two teams walk together toward the pit stop, Mary trips and falls. "Mary fell," says Lyn, stopping to look back. Dave tells them to go on ahead, and they do, which is fair. Welcome, Lyn and Karlyn, you're team number six. And you, Dave and Mary, are team number seven. Mary's ankle is clearly really bothering her as she and Dave hobble up to the mat. Lyn and Mary hug. Phil asks Lyn how hard the race is, and she talks about how it's very frustrating, and she and Karlyn are both all weepy, I think mostly because it was hard for them to pass Mary and Dave thinking they might be in last, and partly because they know about the Tom and Terry penalty. Because Karlyn talks about how you're "sorry for the friends that you made" when bad things happen to them. See? They looked mean in the first episode, but I think that was mostly just nerves and getting the race started. And the fact that Peter is a prick, which they turned out to be right about anyway. The *lyns express some weirdness about passing Dave and Mary, and Mary immediately says, "You had to." Mary happily interviews about how her friends are Lyn and Karlyn, the *wins, and Tom and Terry. So Mary, who's from Kentucky and hasn't ever known gay or Asian people, has decided that her friends are the African-American team, the gay team, and the Asian-American team. I'm sorry, but that is a little bit cool. Whatever the Kentucky small-town version of "straight but not narrow" is, that's kind of how I see Mary.
As Tom and Terry wait out the last few minutes of their penalty, Mary tells them not to worry -- they'll be coming. "I'm waiting on you to walk me back, okay?" she says. "I need something to lean on. I got a sprained foot." It's exactly the right thing to say to them, and I give her huge credit for it.
And here come Duke and Lauren, at a run. Will they make it? Running, rice paddy. Running, rice paddy. They will not make it, because Phil tells Tom and Terry that he can check them in now. In an interview, Tom says they won't let it get to them "what happened today," by which they mean their own failure to RTDC (Read The Damn Clue).
So, here are Duke and Lauren. You are the last team to arrive, and you are eliminated. Lauren immediately starts to cry. Her dad hugs her and kisses the top of her head, just like he's supposed to. Asked what he learned about Lauren on the trip, Duke says that he thinks they learned a lot from each other. "Whatever's going to make her happy, will make me happy," Duke says through sniffles. "Whatever it is." In their post-game interview, Duke says that he thinks they both understand each other better, as family and as human beings. "You almost want to wish this on every parent out there," he says. "Because... " And this is the killer part. Because she's obediently looking at the interviewer, and she doesn't even realize that her dad isn't looking at the interviewer and isn't trying to think of the thing he's going to say. He's just stopped, and he's gazing at her from behind, from over her shoulder, staring at her with a little smile. And she doesn't even know until he grabs her shoulder, pulls her over, and kisses her on the cheek. She smiles comfortably and turns back to look at him. Whoa. That one was a coup for whomever ran that interview, I'll tell you that.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Oh, who knows? But Peter will probably continue to bug, that's a pretty good guess.