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In Mongolia, the teams try a challenging Detour in which they choose between wrangling difficult animals and executing a complicated packing challenge (really!). But that's not all -- to even get to the Detour, they have to brave various problems with their stubborn Soviet military vehicles, including a flat tire, a bad side trip into waist-deep mud, and a couple of false starts. At the Detour, everything that can go wrong does go wrong, including animals that run off, fighting that can't be corralled, a helmet that goes missing, a boyfriend who orders his girlfriend not to speak, and the challenges of a bumpy ride. From the Detour, they proceed to a Roadblock where someone has to shoot a flaming arrow and hit a target without setting himself or herself on fire. Jamie and Kellie and Lyn and Karlyn fall to the back of the pack mid-leg, and when they go in opposite directions and it turns out that the luck is with the single moms rather than the cheerleaders, Jamie and Kellie arrive at the Roadblock late enough that they're fairly confident they're last. In an unfortunate conclusion, Kellie eventually gives up on the Roadblock entirely, and they putter to the pit stop and are anticlimactically Philiminated. Not a particularly good ending, but once again, most of the people in this episode are not hateful, which is a huge improvement. Peter is creepy, but one gets the sense that Sarah is beginning to figure it out, and that's a good thing. In other news: Mary likes Asians and gay people. Likes 'em! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Oh My God, I Can't Believe How Much Wretched Geography-Related Wordplay I Have Written Since September 2001, And I Can Only Hope The World Will Forgive Me: Twelve teams bolted from Seattle and hopped a couple of flights to China, because the stupid race planners were holding their maps upside-down and forgot that north is at the top of the universe, duh. Contestants included a tiny, artificial-leg-wearing blonde with an overbearing boyfriend, an overbearing brunette with an overbearing boyfriend, and a bunch of other people who were, in a refreshing change from recent seasons, not totally deserving of a red-hot fork in the eye. A couple of teams got grumpy about how the girl with one leg gets all the breaks, but it seemed like maybe the appearance of a punishing wall-climb that some of those teams could barely complete with two good legs might have persuaded them to shut it already. Bilal and Sa'eed never got to prove their point about stopping to pray, because they were eliminated in the middle of the leg. (If you don't think the gods of bad comedy would have rather seen Peter and Sarah go out in the middle of the leg, you are insufficiently appreciative of the generally dark nature of the universe's sense of humor.) Well-built model/addicts Tyler and James unsurprisingly rocked the portion of the leg relying on the kind of upper-body strength one might develop while living a difficult life on the street among the rats and barbells, and between that and some good brain work earlier, they finished first. Very sadly, sweet married couple Vipul and Arti, along with their sassy t-shirts and general adorability, were Philiminated at the end of the first leg. Somehow, imagining that they spent the month having a very romantic and entirely free vacation made it an easier pill to swallow. For some reason, I envision them making out constantly for 30 consecutive days, but that might just be the way I like to think it always is with nice boys. Now, there are ten teams left. "Who will be eliminated... ?"
Credits. You know, they don't get nearly enough credit for how good this opening theme is. Aside from the Survivor-like "ya-ha" sounds, which I kind of don't love, it's a nicely thumping and highly memorable piece of music. And, of course, at the end, for those of you who are new to the project and haven't been kicking around since season two when this was discovered, it ends like this: [BOMP.] (This paragraph brought to you by The Committee To Reduce The Number Of Emails The Recapper Receives Regarding What The Hell A "BOMP" Is, Even Though It's In The FAQ. Incidentally, this is the recapper's favorite question to receive via email after "How can I get on the show?") (Hint: People legitimately working on the show probably wouldn't spend as much time as I do on the cut of Phil's pants, and if they did, they'd focus more on the cuffs and less on the goodies. I'm just saying.)
Commercials. Some of these people look much too happy about eating fiber. I don't want to get too heavily into this whole area, but the eating of fiber, particularly in the eating itself, is not that awesome.
We are at the Great Wall Of China, where the Pensive Swaying Cameramen are pleased to show off the entire landscape, while the music says, "Welcome; it's pretty here." Phil explains that we are at one of the eastern gateways of the Wall, which was the first pit stop. Teams came here for the "mandatory rest period," they have no idea what's going to happen, and so forth. He wonders whether Peter and Sarah will do well now that her leg is "in disrepair," and whether Dave and Mary can get their asses out of last place in spite of having almost no travel experience. Maybe there will be a coal-mining task. That would rule.
9:04 PM. Tyler and James. They rip their clue and read, "You are headed to Outer Mongolia." What I love about that sentence is how much it sounds like a threat from a cigar-chomping boss in a movie. "You don't get this report done on time, Jones, and you are headed to our branch office in OUTER MONGOLIA!" Jason Robards, I'm saying, could read the shit out of this clue. Phil explains that this involves a 963-mile trip by bus and train (ugh) to what he refers to as Outer Mongolia's "barren landscape." (Outer Mongolia: "Same to you, kiwi.") Once they get there, they'll get themselves to a temple where they will observe a ceremony and snag a clue. As James and Tyler leave the mat, they discuss how it's "icing on the cake" to be doing the race "in sobriety." As opposed to high, apparently. I will admit that "Stoned Right Now" would make an interesting caption for a team. Or it could be part of a caption. "Friends/Stoned Right Now." "Mother & Daughter/Drunk." "Separated/High." Tyler goes on to make some weird analogy about racing and knowing that you've already visited "the streets and the gutters," and it is when he tries to be a poet that he begins to lose me. Don't stretch, Tyler. They arrive at a little office and find a sign-up sheet for buses, the first of which is leaving at midnight. They enter their names.
9:17 PM. Duke and Lauren. They're only 13 minutes behind the boys, and considering that those teams arrived at the ropes at the same time, I'm pretty impressed that the combination of Duke and Lauren only took 13 more minutes on that climb than the combination of Tyler and James. "I can accept gays and lesbians, but when it's my daughter, you think of it a little differently," Duke says. Some of the EEFPs have made a comparison to Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? with Duke, which I think is probably about right. I don't think he thinks of himself as a prejudiced guy, and I think he's embarrassed to discover that he is one. It's depressing that this had to come between them, but as noted last week, all props to them both for trying. She says in an interview that she basically wants him to "see beyond [her] being gay," which is kind of the whole thing. It's not like anything about her that he loved before is less true because she's gay. They get to the bus office and sign up for the same bus as the Addicts (And Models!).
9:22 PM. Peter and Sarah. Five minutes behind Duke and Lauren, when Sarah got on the rope at about the same time as Duke. I think that to some degree, Sarah's freak-out on the rope looked worse than I was -- I think she had the initial reaction that it wasn't going to be possible, but once she calmed down, she was able to do it, although with a lot of effort. She explains as they leave the mat that her hydraulic knee is "blown out," so while she can get around, it's "like riding with a flat tire." I can't point you to a particular authoritative source, but having had lunch with Professor Google, it looks to me like that really is a serious problem for users of hydraulic knees. I imagine that if all the fluid leaked out of my knee, that would be a problem also, actually. It's all about common ground, people. "I just have to keep moving forward," she says cheerfully. They, too, sign up for the midnight bus.
9:36 PM. Dustin and Kandice. Dustin says that the two of them were "randomly paired together" at Miss America, and that's how they became friends. She goes on to say that it's really good to have close friends in a competitive crowd like they run in. At first, I didn't really get this comment, but then I was thinking about the fact that as Miss New York and Miss California, they both have to have been considered serious contenders (unlike Miss Delaware, who's like, "Why did I bother?"), and they roomed together, and the fact that they bonded closely in a situation where they were in a fairly high-stakes competition does speak well of them, I think. If I had gotten to that kind of a pitched point in a competition -- not that it would be pageants, of course, given... basically every single thing there is about me, including my dislike of spray glue and my lack of performance talent -- I don't know that my roommate/competitor would have become a fast friend, so it's interesting. Maybe they just have a bond because they want an army of identical blondes to rise up and defeat ugly people, but that's not the vibe I'm getting for the moment. They are fourth on the midnight bus.
9:51 PM. Rob and Kimberly, still Pointy as ever. She says they've been together for a little more than two years, and she says they're at the point where you either take another step or you bail out. I'm always interested in that analysis, because it makes everything sound so timetable-y. It's like there's an expectation that you do this, and then you do that, and... I'm not saying that if you want to get married, you don't eventually want to ask whether the other person intends to never get married, but it's two years, you know? It's not like it's, you know, twelve years. I've never not regretted treating situations that way, like they're supposed to progress in a logical, step-like fashion, because all it does is create artificial pressure and make everyone act weird, and then you shoot yourself in the foot anyway. Not to overanalyze the Pointies, but... relax, kids. They are the last to sign up for the midnight bus.
9:56 PM. Kellie and Jamie. Their interview is very generic, talking about how they "motivate each other to do better." They're not unlikable, for cheerleaders, but they're not particularly relatable, either. There's not much personality emerging just yet, except for "Yay!" Which isn't personality, so much as a disorder. They are the first to sign up for the 2:00 AM bus, which the A(AM!)s slag them about a little bit. It's nice that guys who have been through rough times still know how to rub it in when somebody else finds misfortune.
10:02 PM. Erwin and Godwin. Okay, actually, the caption says "7:02 PM," but it's safe to say that unless their assorted graduate degrees have enabled them to bend time, it means "10:02 PM." The *wins (tm EEFP spacecitymarc, brutally not credited in last week's recap) give a little interview about how it's a game, but it's also about building relationships. Ack, are they taking the Survivor alliance-building approach? That only leads to trouble. They are second on the 2:00 AM bus.
10:13 PM. Tom and Terry. Their little headlamps are not on, which makes them a bit less valuable, and I do not like the way the guys look into the camera and say, "Amaaaaaazing." I feel weird about looking at behavior that sort of fits a lot of nasty stereotypes and being like, "Man, that bugs," but... that totally bugs. It's strange -- I sort of dislike them instinctively, and it's freaking me out, because if it's because of the affect, then I'm displeased with myself, you know? At any rate, Tom says that they haven't really traveled together, so this will be new for them, trying to make decisions "as a couple."
10:19 PM. Lyn and Karlyn. Karlyn interviews that she wants to do the race in order to make her daughter proud of her. It's a good goal, that.
10:29 PM. David and Mary, bringing up the rear. Their matching outfits are not a good development at all, especially since now, they're wearing an unattractive green color. It's a little like they're part of some kind of Kermit fandom. David wants to run a little on the way to the bus, but Mary doesn't see the point, since they're last and they're going to wind up on a bus with a bunch of other people. I have to say, I kind of agree with her in this specific instance. You could argue the "always race; you never know" thing, but in this case, it's awfully unlikely to matter. Like, at all. David tells us that Mary is so "blunt" that she would happily tell off the President, and if he can tell me when that might happen, I will certainly be the first in line to buy a ticket. And popcorn. And a foam finger that says "Mary Is #1." Along with Lyn and Karlyn, David and Mary sign up for the second bus. It's interesting that in both this bunch and last week's airplane bunch, they went for a single two-tier system, where often, past bunches of this kind have had at least three groups/buses/planes, which tends to make the ending less suspenseful, because there are only two or three teams slugging it out to stay in.
In one of the best sequences of the episode, Mary says that on the race, she's making friends with people she otherwise would never have met. And God bless her, she has just hit upon the single best thing about any reality show, going back to the very first best thing about the very first big show: Julie and Heather B. "I've never known an Asian person in my life," Mary says, as we see her go over and get a warm hug from Godwin. "The Cho Brothers, I love them to death," she says. There is also some goofing around in which Jamie and Kellie are helped out in their cheering by an enthusiastic Tom. And then, in an interview, David and Mary get kind of quiet, and she says, "Honest to goodness, we... ," and he says. "Never been around... ," and she says, "We've never been around gay people." And then she says, "But, buddy, I -- I like 'em!" HA! See, this is why I'm so very, very glad they were cast. Being provincial is not a character flaw. You're born where you're born, and you have the resources and opportunities to travel and meet people that you have, and it's not lack of experience that makes you suck. It's being closed-minded as a result, and Mary and Dave do not seem to have developed that way. She's cool with me. Also, I intend to employ "I like 'em!" as often as possible in reference to various sorts of people.
The bottom-dwellers watch and cheer gamely as the lead bus (Tyler/James, Duke/Lauren, Peter/Sarah, Dustin/Kandice, Pointies) leaves. And while Peter crows on the bus about being in the "front pack," the back pack is having all the fun. Specifically, they're killing the two hours until their bus leaves by socializing and doing things together. Instead of bitching? Unheard of! Jamie and Kellie seem to be, in true cheerleader form, leading group games. It's like camp, seriously. Lyn and Karlyn are clapping and playing along, which is good to see, because I really don't think they're as sour as they've seemed at times; I think that aspect of them, and particularly about Karlyn, comes out while they're racing, which certainly can happen. There's even some tape of all the teams just kind of hanging out and fooling around together. Oh, not since long, long ago have we seen this, and it is so very auspicious to me. (Trivia: Until now, I haven't given two consecutive episodes of this show at least "A" grades since the end of season five.) Tom and Terry talk about how the back of the pack is all about bonding and hanging out together, and while I fear a kind of stratifying in which these people are the cannon fodder and that front group is the contenders, I can't not like the fact that everybody's playing around together.
At the train station, the lead pack arrives and goes in to buy tickets for the slow train to Mongolia. They learn that the train isn't leaving until 4:00, and they seem to immediately know that bunching is ahead. Dustin and Kandice go off to investigate other options, although unfortunately, they speak of doing so "conspicuously" rather than "inconspicuously." Or else they mean "conspicuously," in which case they are secret backwards-thinking double-spy geniuses. Tyler and James spot them and follow them. There is some effort to make this into some kind of secret spy thing, but I think that really, it's all just... kind of coming to nothing at this point. It might be foreshadowing, or it might compensation for a lack of real inter-team drama, which is great news to me, but not so much to the people who make the show. Come on! Fight, pretty people! Let's see some claws!
Outside, Peter and Sarah are sitting on the steps and relaxing, and her artificial foot (her running foot, the curved one) is attracting quite a bit of attention. Seriously, you can count at least ten people who are doing nothing but standing there and staring at her foot like they're on a desert island and she has a turkey leg. Sounding kind of weary, she says to Peter, "Should I stand up and do a little demonstration?" She stands up and jumps around for a bit. Peter's voiceover here is completely creepy: "It's good having a physical disability," he says, "because we're going to use that to our advantage." Okay, I don't know exactly what he means by that, but it sounds disgusting, like he's saying, "It wouldn't be nearly as helpful if she had an I.Q. of 50, because strangers might not notice, and what good would that do me? How can everyone admire me for being the inspirational disabled person's companion if they don't recognize her on sight as an inspirational disabled person?" He also stands up and announces to the gathered crowd that for a small fee, "she will dance and run back." It's not clear whether he, you know, asked her before offering to have her dance around like a circus animal for money. Sarah looks at the ground, and her mouth is smiling, but the way she smoothes her hair over the top of her head looks like embarrassment and frustration to me, and I do not think she wanted him to turn this into a display for money, rather than "if you're going to stare, you might as well just see what my damn leg does."
But anyway, Sarah runs, and then she runs back, but none of the onlookers want to pay Peter. When she comes back, she comments, "They'd pay money at a zoo, though." Heh. See, I liked her in that scene. Him? Gross. Her? I think she was trying to deal with being stared at as well as she could, and I took that last comment as much more resentment of being treated like a zoo animal in the first place than a comment on the refusal to pay. What's sad about this is that I think that if she had her way, Sarah would race with as little discussion of her leg as possible, and that's not Peter's agenda at all. I don't normally refer to non-show content, but if you watch her pre-race interviews at CBS.com, she explains about how she got the artificial leg, but that's about the extent of it -- she doesn't really talk about how her leg relates to why she wants to do the race or any particular point she's trying to make about amputees or disabled people or artificial limbs or anything. She talks about being really competitive and thinking it would be a really great thing to do, just like all the big competitive things she does (like triathlons) are great things to do. At one point in that interview, Peter starts talking about how wonderful it would be if she were the first woman with an artificial leg to win the race, and you can watch her face just deflate. I think she genuinely has the "show, don't tell" attitude about accomplishing things in spite of her disability, or at least she's choosing to adopt that attitude here. It seems like Peter likes the telling part, because he has nothing to show, if that makes sense.
At any rate, the second bus arrives at the train station, and it turns out that everyone is going to be on the same train, so that particular division certainly wasn't worth much. "We're excited that now there's an even playing field again," Tom says. Everyone waves goodbye to China, and the Amazing Map shows us that the Amazing Yellow Line is making its way from Erenhoth to Ulaanbaatar, in Mongolia. The AYL is amusingly squiggly, like they want you to understand that this ain't Amtrak, and some of the going is rough. Look at the poor AYL! Look how he must swerve! Looking out the window of the train, Tyler makes the point that in his normal life, he probably wouldn't find himself touring Mongolia. In a clip from their pre-race interview, he says that his "wake-up call" about his addiction was his third arrest, when he figured out that it was die, wind up in jail, or get treatment. And then become a model and go on a reality show, which is how becoming addicted to drugs turns out to have been all part of Tyler's secret plan to get somebody to finance a trip to Mongolia. Well played, Tyler. Well played.
Now, we are in Ulaanbaatar. The teams pile off the train, and Peter and Sarah are the first to get into a taxi and tell the driver that they need to go to the temple. Duke and Lauren are right behind, but their drivers both seem to have a special idea of how to go. The Pointies are in third, and unappealingly, Kimberly is looking out the window and gets splashed a little, causing her to say, "Oh! Dirty water... can we get diseases from that?" For God's sake, lady. I understand not gulping glasses of unfamiliar water unless you know what you're doing, but people do live and walk around in other countries. If you approach the world with the attitude that you won't touch anything unless you have your Purell with you, you're not going to enjoy this process very much. It's also a little rude to sit in the cab and be like, "Excuse me, but do all the puddles have disease-inducing parasites in your country?" Tyler and James leave fourth, but their driver also goes a different way from the Pointies, which makes the boys very nervous. Kellie and Jamie leave fifth, and they're just happy to cheer for their driver. Tom and Terry are , and they're looking nervous. Jamie explains that she and Kellie had someone write down the name of the temple for them to give to their driver. "That's going to help us get ahead, she says. She turns out to be right, because they are indeed the first to get to the temple, despite leaving fifth, and they learn that the performances are happening every ten minutes. to the spot are Tom and Terry. Interesting! It's like everyone got here just in time for the over-the-top enthusiasm annual meeting. HappyCon! The Pointies arrive , and Kimberly seems not to have any diseases quite yet. But stay tuned!
Peter and Sarah and Duke and Lauren seem to be together on a back-roads route that has not paid off.
Jamie and Kellie, Tom and Terry, and the Pointies are the three teams present for the first performance at the temple. We learn that Jamie and Kellie have never been out of the country, so this is like their first exposure to international cheerleading. In the performance at the temple, there is dancing, there are costumes, and there is a guy in a mask who looks like he could be an old person in Star Wars. He is the one who delivers their clue. The teams learn that they have to take an old Russian military jeep 43 miles to Terelj, where they'll go to "the riverbed." There, they'll get on horses and ride two and a half miles "led by a Mongolian nomad" to a clue. This instantly made me think they were going to get there and start walking up to these poor guys, like, "Nomad? Are you a nomad? I'm looking for a Mongolian nomad!" And, of course, that at some point, we would inevitably hear, "What is a Mongolian nomad, baby?" The three lead teams get going, and Kimberly razzes Pointy Rob about grinding the gears, and he explains that he's not -- that's just what the damn thing sounds like. Yep, this is the angry little clown car of the season, and it's going to be trouble. Jamie and Kellie are finding the navigating very confusing, not to mention the vehicle.
Peter and Sarah arrive at the temple along with Duke and Lauren. Finally, the back roads have led to somewhere. Also: Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary, none of whom were shown leaving, so they left no earlier than seventh and eighth, meaning Tyler and James have vanished, and some of the rear guard out of the airport caught up to the "shortcut"-cursed leaders. In fact, we check in on Tyler and James, who learn that their driver has taken them to the wrong place. Oops. Elsewhere, four more teams -- Peter/Sarah, Duke/Lauren, Dustin/Kandice, and David/Mary -- collect their clue from Yoda's grandfather. Duke and Lauren take off hoping to get directions, while Peter and Sarah stop in at Mongolian Expeditions to get a map and some idea of what they're doing. Probably a good move. Dustin and Kandice find themselves a native English speaker who knows where they need to go, which seems to be quite the stroke of luck. David and Mary, in seventh place, locate a Fern who smiles and puts out his cigarette, agreeing to take them to Terelj. Really? He's going 43 miles with them? How is he getting back? This seems to be slightly above and beyond, to me. Mary impulsively hugs their Fern in the Jeep. (Kimberly, in a hypothetical similar situation: "I am positive you can get diseases from that.")
Tom and Terry are on the way to Terelj, but they're not really sure they're doing it correctly. Rob is apparently taking a special route, and he's making Kimberly nervous, but he tells her not to worry her little head -- "That's why I'm on the race with you, honey." Ick. Kellie and Jamie? Still looking for directions. Uh-oh. Map. Before. You Go. Seriously.
Now arriving at the temple: the *wins, the *lyns, and the addict/model twins. (Woot! Watch me go!) They observe the performance.
Peter and Sarah are in first place on the way to Terelj. So what that means is that they've managed to pass up all three of the teams that got the temple clue ahead of them, and they did it by taking the conservative, slow route of stopping for a map and some advice before they left. That's how you do it, I think, when you're not in a populated area where you can just yell out the window. In Paris, feel free to just ask directions at the bakery, but in Outer Mongolia? Yeah, you want to stop at the Expeditions counter and get the guy to give you a clue, or you're going to be rolling down your window and trying to figure out what language the cows speak. Right behind Peter and Sarah are Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary. Six people, and the only one I really don't like is Peter. Good ratio, that. Mary pats Fern's arm. "You help us so much," she says. I'm surprised she doesn't add "bless your heart."
Old Masked Man gives the clue to the *wins/*lyns/twins. Tyler says the dance was "really far out," but he was distracted by knowing they were dragging at the back of the pack. If they saw the Jeeps, he'd indeed logically know that, of course. *lyns and *wins ask for directions before they leave. The *lyns pick up a guy who comes a little way with them on the trip, and he, too, is a native English speaker who knows what they need to do. He doesn't go far, but he goes until he's confident they know where they're supposed to go, which is probably all they need. Lyn says that this was an "angel," which is what you get if you ask God to send you one. How handy. Maybe I'll ask for a cat. Will I get a holy cat, then? It's an interesting question.
At an entry point in Terelj, Terry hops out and tells the guy managing the booth that he's looking for some horses. He demonstrates this with a lovely pantomime of horseback riding. The wacky music suggests that he is off his nut, but he does get a guy who vaguely instructs him to take a left. I'm not sure the guy has the slightest idea what Terry wants, but if a guy is doing a galloping routine and keeping you from getting your work done, your options are limited. And just saying "left" might make him leave. Lyn and Karlyn, meanwhile, aren't sure they're at the right fork that their angel told them to take, and the Pointies are hitting a dead end, which Rob is hearing plenty about from Kimberly. "You were absolutely 100 percent right; I screwed it up," he says, not nasty at all -- he's totally taking it. And with that, he cements his position as not at all like some of the assholes who have yelled at their girlfriends in seasons. He may be the most obnoxious guy in this race, but if you threw him into some of the ones, he'd be your goodwill ambassador. I mean, Jonathan Baker's id is spitting right now, like, "I don't know why that guy lets his girlfriend push him around." Kellie and Jamie, too, are quite lost.
The *wins arrive at Terelj in fourth place. As you can see, there's already been a good bit of shuffling in this leg, which is how you know it's not a dumb "go here; do this" kind of race. It's a huge, huge improvement, seriously. I'm not ready to say our long national nightmare (which has been, like, four seasons long) is over, but the sun certainly appears to be coming out. Duke and Lauren? Still looking. Lyn and Karlyn? Still looking. Kellie and Jamie? Same. But then, Duke and Lauren find the sign at the fork to Terelj, which seems to be the way teams universally learn that they are no longer lost. Tom and Terry find it, too. Tyler and James are , but their relief at finding the sign is short-lived when they almost immediately discover that they have a flat tire. Youch. That's tough -- it's like running around with your hydraulic knee leaking fluid! And with only three teams behind them, too. They make what looks like a valiant effort to change the tire, but they can't get their jack to work.
Rob and Kimberly approach Tyler and James along the road, and they stop. "Our jack is broken," the A(AM!)s announce. Rob offers to lend them his jack. But when (I believe) the jack turns out not to be easy to remove, and when another Jeep comes over the horizon, Kimberly gently (and quite understandably) says that they really need to get moving. It turns out that the Jeep approaching is Lyn and Karlyn, who do not stop. Well, I should say... they don't quite stop, but they slow down to a roll, long enough to put the window down and say, "What's going on? Peace out," and then they speed off again. That seemed weird and unnecessary. I think "We're sorry; we have to keep going" would have been better. What's definitely unnecessary is Karlyn saying in the car, "They're tire's flat; that's what they're mad about. Screw them!" It just seems like "screw them" isn't needed here. There's no reason to bail the guys out, but there's no reason to hate on them for asking for help, either.
Elsewhere, Kellie and Jamie are unfortunately stuck behind someone who decides to put the brakes on while going uphill, and when forced to stop, Kellie stalls the Jeep and can't get it started again. "This jack is broken!" Tyler is saying, joining the long tradition of broken-equipment-or-animal bemoaners. James thinks they're doing it wrong, but Tyler thinks the jack is defective. Dun-dun-dun!
Commercials. Could Justin Long be any more outgunned by John Hodgman? That shit is just sad. Which system is this an ad for again? Oh, and also? Audrey Hepburn is the only person who looked good in those pants, because she was built like a giraffe (in the good way). On everyone else, they are merely ass-width-enhancers. Shut up, The Gap.
When we return, a guy comes along to help James and Tyler fix their flat tire. He appears to get their jack working, so maybe they were doing it wrong after all. If so, I think I'd forgive them for not knowing how to run the jack on a Russian military Jeep, to be honest. They don't cover that in rehab. They profusely thank their guy before getting back on the road. You know, that happened to me once. I had a flat tire, and a dude walked over the hill, changed it for me, didn't talk to me, and wouldn't take money for it. He actually looked similar to this guy. OH MY GOD, maybe it was the same guy, and this is what he does. He should have his own TV show about how he leads people on the path to operational tires and new lives, and it should be called Spare Change. I am a genius.
Because it happened right before the commercial, you will be less than shocked to know that Jamie and Kellie's breakdown isn't important, either. They get going, and they find the fork that they need.
In Peter and Sarah's car, we see her switching her foot from the running foot to the molded, foot-shaped foot, because she knows that for horseback riding, she might need to put her foot in a stirrup. And her foot-foot? Has painted toenails, which I love. Why the hell not, you know? Nobody ever said you had to be grimly inspiring all the time, which is why Peter needs to shut the fuck up. They are the first to arrive at the horses. Among other things, they get to put on enormous furry helmets, which already is reason enough to do the entire race. One picture of you in that helmet equals having to take a month off work. Sarah gets up on her horse, asking the guide if her foot is a problem, but he says it isn't, and she hops aboard.
to the horses: Dustin and Kandice. "I'm a Mongolian right now!" one of them says happily as she dons her helmet. (Mongolians: "It's more than the hat, you know.") She adds, "Give me some barbecue, baby!" (Mongolians: "Yeah, and the barbecue.")
David and Mary and their Fern head down a muddy hill quite close to where the horses are, but it's muddier than it looks, and they wind up stuck in the mud. Like, stuck. Like, the mud is up over the wheels. They are not getting out. Mary hassles him about how he's "digging [them] deeper" spinning the wheels, but the fact is that it doesn't make a difference. There's no "deeper" or not. Their car is not pining; it's passed on. They need to quickly acknowledge there's no way out and go from there.
The *wins get on their horses. David and Mary continue to sit and wait as their Fern walks off, with David saying he's going for a tractor. "Well, let him," Mary says. I'm impressed that the Fern would go look for a tractor 43 miles from where he was picked up. It's not like he's going for his tractor. This might be the most devoted Fern ever, even though he may have led them into the mud. Maybe he's heard how litigious Americans are. David notes the arrival of more Jeeps. Indeed, Duke and Lauren are on their way, as are Tom and Terry, Rob and Kimberly, and Lyn and Karlyn. Everyone sees David and Mary stranded, and everyone is relieved, though only some admit it. These just-arrived teams all get on their horses and go. "Can horses smell fear?" Kimberly asks. Oh, quiet down, lady. Just ride. "No, honey," Rob reassures her. "Those are, like, bees and dogs or something." Wow. Wasn't expecting the Lipnicki shout-out from That particular Guy. Kimberly interviews that she's not so high on the horseback riding, as horses "have a mind of their own." Rob advises her to steer the horse just like she's driving a car, which I think is... bad advice. The car is not alive. Kimberly almost immediately manages to get clotheslined by a tree branch and dumped on the ground. See? Doesn't happen in a car.
As Lyn's horse bumps along, she says she thinks her kids will be proud and surprised. It briefly looks like she's going to tip right off the horse at this moment, which would have been ridiculously great, but it doesn't happen. We return to Kimberly, still on the ground, and Rob, still up on his horse and telling her that her horse is being brought back. I'm sure she's glad to hear it and cannot wait to see that horse again. I like how the show is providing this incredibly literal message about falling off a horse and getting right back on. Perhaps it's the season of proverb-based tasks. up: "Lead this horse to water. Make him drink."
Dustin and Kandice go along on their horses, and in an interview, Dustin tells us that a team of women has never won in nine seasons. True. She also says they want to not only win and "break the stereotypes" about women, but "to do it on [their] own." I think that means no begging for boys to adopt you, which: listen up, Parvati. As they ride, one of them falls off her horse, but her foot is stuck in the stirrup, and she winds up being dragged in a way that's quite frightening -- the horse accelerates at one point. This would scare the living shit out of me. She is rescued only when her foot finally comes free. Yipes.
Peter and Sarah finish the horse riding and find the clue box. They open the clue, and it's a Detour. The choices are Take It Down and Fill It Up. In Take It Down, you have to take down the canvas walls and roof from a nomadic shelter, fold them up correctly, and then put them on a camel. It's a task of precision, pretty much, because you have to fold and pack according to a very specific pattern. Best part? The description ends with a camel looking into the camera and saying, "Errrg." Poor camel. In Fill It Up, you load up metal water jugs onto a cart that's pulled by a sort of ox-like (hee hee) animal, and you lead it down to the water. You fill up your water jugs, and then you bring them back and empty them into a container. Phil says that while the task isn't simple, you could wind up with an uncooperative animal and be kind of screwed. Peter and Sarah choose Take It Down, but when Dustin and Kandice arrive just behind them, they choose Fill It Up. As Peter and Sarah start taking down the shelter, she remarks that the reason she didn't want to do the other task was that an animal is kind of an X-factor. Dustin and Kandice seem optimistic as they start out that they're going to get along with the ox thing. Sarah goes to check out the example to see what the folding needs to look like. Dustin and Kandice are gathering water, and they only have one ladle, so one of them resorts to using her shoe to get water. Those girls are pretty tough and pretty resourceful so far, I must say. You can also see here that Dustin (I think) has taken her helmet off.
Sarah is talking herself through the task. "You know what? We folded it over, that's what we did," she tells herself. "Sarah, just focus on your task," Peter says in a totally bossy, obnoxious manner. "You don't need to talk, you just focus on your task." Fuck you, asshole! Who asked you to tell her how to concentrate? She tells him that she's merely talking to herself, and she'll stop if it's bothering him. She's giving a very charitable reading to what he just said by treating it as if he's telling her it's bothering him, rather than instructing her on what to do just for the hell of it.
The *wins and Duke and Lauren are riding.
David and Mary reveal that they're waiting for a new Jeep. Phil comes on to explain that if your vehicle "breaks down or becomes inoperable," then you get a replacement car. As longtime fans know, this rule used to apply only if it was not your fault that the car broke down. The flaw in doing it that way, of course, is that here, it's not clear that David and Mary could ever have gotten that Jeep out within the time constraints of the leg, and the show isn't interested in having people sit there doing nothing, thus determining with half the show left who's going to be out. So they're getting a new Jeep, but they've of course lost all the time they spent waiting for it. One way around it would be to give a penalty of an hour or something if you break your vehicle. And with that, I am overthinking.
Tyler and James and David and Mary head to the horses, and David and Mary get there first.
Duke and Lauren will be Packin' It â¢, and Sarah says she just hopes she and Peter made the right choice. Elsewhere, Dustin and Kandice leave the river without Dustin wearing her helmet, but it looks like it might be on the cart between the water buckets. Peter, meanwhile, starts complaining about how hard the packing is, and how "this was a horrible task to pick." He is clearly blaming Sarah, which I think you can expect from this point on, pretty much. The *wins, meanwhile, pick the water task. Tyler/James, David/Mary, Tom/Terry, Lyn/Karlyn, and Rob/Kimberly are all on the trail on their horses. "This sucks," Pointy Rob complains. And then Kellie and Jamie, Currently In Last Place, get going at last. They're happy to at least see some other teams. Peter is still in the process of flipping out, and he says in a later interview that he "got very confused with the knots," and he found the whole thing "very difficult." He announces to Sarah that he won't be able to "match that knot system." This is where I wish she had said, "Oh, well, all I did was scale a wall with one foot, so if you don't want to tie a few knots, I suppose I could take that over, too, you fucking marshmallow." I also can't stand him because he talks to himself while trying to figure out the knots. It's just Sarah who isn't allowed to talk while she works.
Duke and Lauren are struggling with the knots, too, and she's starting to get annoyed. They are standing across from each other, leaning over a pile of stuff, when he just reaches over and takes her head in his hands, one hand under her chin and one behind the back of her neck. "Don't worry," he whispers to her. He kisses her on the forehead. "Don't worry. Chill out." That was so sweet. And it's the kind of thing that totally would not happen if he weren't sincere about how much he loves her -- it's the kind of tender maneuver you just can't manage when you're squashing down repressed rage and secretly being ashamed of your daughter. Whatever their problems have been, none of them are that he doesn't love her or that he wouldn't die for her without hesitation.
Peter announces that he and Sarah have to switch tasks. "Oh my God, I hate quitting," she says. "SARAH!" he explosively snaps at her. "Let's go, come on!" And then he claps his hands at her, exactly like she's a dog. That is not acceptable, under any circumstances, ever. As they walk to the other task, he says he doesn't like quitting either, but "this is not quitting." And of course, it kind of isn't quitting, but it kind of is quitting, and if she had been the one who wanted to switch tasks, you can bet she would have received some kind of suck-ass lecture about not giving up. I don't think he'd let her change her mind about when to go to the bathroom without it turning into a hassle. Jerk.
Tyler and James, now in fifth place, go for the water. David and Mary pick packing. Peter and Sarah load the metal jugs onto their cart and leave. They and David and Mary have similar problems with keeping the jugs on the cart. Tom and Terry chose the water, and Lyn and Karlyn pick the packing. Rob and Kimberly go for the water. They start to fight before they even get started -- just dumb, bickery stuff. As Tyler and James and Peter and Sarah meet up along the way, Peter and Sarah's animal just freaks out and runs. Sarah picks up the buckets off the ground as Peter says, "Sarah, we did the best we could." She starts to cry a little. Peter says they can try it again, and if the same thing happens, then they'll just have to quit, because the thing is spooked. "I know," she says, nodding through a tiny bit of sniffling. "Sarah!" he says angrily. "This is fine!" He walks toward her. "Let's stop for a minute," he says. "No," she says. "We don't need to stop, let's just keep moving forward." "No. I cannot move on with you like this," he says petulantly. He points at himself and then at her, saying, "I need you --" She cuts him off at last. "Peter, stop lecturing me, let's move." That right there is her best moment. Of course, he ignores her. "I need you... I need you... to be cool with me." "Cool"? What is with him? "I am being cool, but can we just move?" she says. In an interview in which she's alone, Sarah explains that she's cried during races before, and what she needs is to keep going forward, not stand around and talk about it. Back out on the race, she tells him, "I'm just getting teary. I'm not losing it. I'm just... it's frustrating," she says as she picks up a bucket.
Dustin and Kandice didn't get enough water the first time, so they head back out. Peter and Sarah try again. Same thing again. Sarah cries again. "We're done," Peter says. That big quitter. What kind of a coach is he, anyway? It's like he's trying to muscle his way into a totally inappropriate role that he sucks at anyway.
Commercials. Oh, Peyton Manning. Really?
When we return, Peter and Sarah are heading back to the packing. Lyn and Karlyn are a bit snippy with each other as they work on the knot-tying.
Meanwhile, down at the water, Dustin and Kandice realize that they are short a helmet. They decide not to worry about it and head back. The *wins and A(AM!)s pour water into their containers, as do Tom and Terry. Rob and Kimberly, however, are still out on the course, accompanied by bouncy music suggesting that they are subject to continuing wackiness. "Shut up!" "You shut up!" Oh, good times. Nothing like productive conflict.
Now, Dustin and Kandice are done with the water, but they have a problem. That helmet that they decided not to worry about, they need in order to ride the horses back. Their clue tells them that they need to drive themselves 47 miles to the Hotel Mongolia, but it also says they must ride the same horses and "wear all safety gear provided." So they can't leave without that helmet. Their guide seems to be under the impression that he knows where it is.
Duke and Lauren have their packing done. They are checked, and they are ready to go, so with Dustin and Kandice on helmet-hold, they are now in first place. When Sarah sees that they're done, she concludes that she and Peter can do it, too. He's still kibitzing her about "show your strength," which is total bullshit. She doesn't need hand-holding, spaz! Get it through your metallic skull! Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn get so frustrated by the knots and the packing that they decide to switch as well and head for the other option. They team up with David and Mary, who agree to help them get down to the river. The *wins, on the other hand, are all done with the water, so they leave in second place. Dustin and Kandice run into Tom and Terry and ask if the guys have seen a helmet (aw), but they haven't.
Peter thinks he's done with the tying, and it turns out that he is. They leave in third place.
Rob is shouting directions at Kimberly, and he pushes exactly one notch too far, and she starts sobbing, "Please stop yelling at me." Aw, I don't like her too much, but what she is right now is hungry and tired. I know that cry; that's the cry when you don't even really know what you're saying and you don't have any breath. He tells her she's not listening, and she wails that she's listening as well as she can. He tells her to just look ahead and see where they're going, and that seems to get them back on track.
Tyler and James leave , and they actually wind up edging ahead of the *wins, who had a slight delay for -- you guessed it -- a missing helmet. Those helmets certainly did turn into unexpected plot points. Duke and Lauren, currently in first place, are on their way to the hotel. Tom and Terry finish with the water, then Rob and Kimberly. Kellie and Jamie are just now getting to the Detour. They decide on the packing.
Dustin and Kandice, meanwhile, are having a little cry over their bad fortune. Seriously, one mistake, and they used to be in first, and now there are only a couple of teams behind them. That hurts.
In the car, Peter says to Sarah, "Well, how bad was that meltdown, sweetie?" "I had a total meltdown," she agrees. Uch. No you didn't! He is gross. My only hope is that what Sarah is doing at this point is just going along with the nonsense, because he's clearly a pod person and she doesn't need to spend her energy trying to make him sane. Tyler, meanwhile, is just incredibly happy that they've risen from their flat tire to the middle of the pack, and can maybe even weasel up to the front.
Lyn and Karlyn and Dave and Mary work on getting water together. Tom and Terry and Rob and Kimberly are taking off in the vehicle, and Rob says, "I really want you to know I wasn't yelling at you, I just didn't know how else to say it, you know what I mean?" "Yeah," she says. That was actually an acceptable conciliatory speech. I'm telling you, even the annoying people this year are more like Paul/Amie annoying, where they basically like each other, rather than Freddie/Kendra annoying, where they could both be shoved in a gym locker for the rest of the race and I wouldn't want to see anything except their little faces peering out from the slats. In an interview, Kimberly says that he "can't talk to [her] that way," no matter what's happening. I get the principle she's going for, but I actually didn't see him talk to her all that inappropriately. They both have a tendency to get snippy, and I'm not sure it's going to help for her to decide it's about him not being derogatory to her.
Jamie and Kellie see that Dustin and Kandice are just standing around, and they can't figure out what the story is. David and Mary finish with the water, and they actually give their last bucket, which they don't need, to Lyn and Karlyn. Risky move, that. You're near the back of the pack, you know? As Dave and Mary read their clue, Karlyn and Lyn talk about how grateful they are for the water, which it looks like they need.
Dustin and Kandice's guy returns with their helmet, and they are very grateful. "Thank you for finding my helmet," she says, and she gives the guy a very sincere hug. Eighth place, they fell to, and they still take the time to be gracious. Maybe that's the pageant instinct. You're all right, Beauty Queens.
So now, it's Lyn and Karlyn with the water and Jamie and Kellie with the packing. They actually finish up at close to the same time, so they're all on horses heading back to the cars.
Dave and Mary find Dustin and Kandice hot on their heels and going at a good speed. "I think it's the bumpkins," one of the girls mutters. A technical foul, but... minor. They actually pass David and Mary, and they get into their car first and get on the way. David and Mary are right behind them.
Speaking of "right behind them," Duke and Lauren find Peter and Sarah right behind them. Peter passes them, and Sarah says, "We're not last. Do you know what a smile that brings to my face?" That would be "Currently in first place," actually. I think she has to know they're not last -- there were people working when they left. Still, passing someone is always good. Now, Duke and Lauren are passed by Tyler and James. Some of this is probably the speed of the various vehicles, I'm thinking, since the various vehicles seem to... suck.
Back to the parking lot where Lyn and Karlyn and Kellie and Jamie are returning to their Jeeps. Interestingly enough, neither one of these Jeeps will start. And elsewhere, on the road, the *wins' Jeep also breaks down, and they flag down a truck. No love. Tom and Terry pass. "We don't know how to fix a car," Tom says, correctly but a little defensively. Rob and Kimberly pass also, and she wonders about checking on them, but he says, "We can't do anything, honey." Dustin and Kandice pass, then David and Mary. Finally, the *wins get a jump, but as Erwin bows deeply in gratitude, the guy who jumped them just walks right by him. Ha! I don't know what made that so funny, but it totally was. Bow rejected! "I have a lot of love for Mongolia now," Godwin says once they're on the road. Yeah, I'll bet. (Mongolia: "We like Godwin, but we don't Like-like him. Why, what did he say about us?")
Jamie and Kellie are the first to recruit a local who's standing around to help them get their car started. He is aware, while they are not, that you can start the car by inserting a crank from under the hood into the front of the car and cranking it. To her credit, Lyn looks at what he's doing and finds the similar crank under their own hood and gives it a shot. But the guy is able to jump Kellie and Jamie first, and they get going. "This sucks," Karlyn mutters as she tries to turn the crank herself.
Commercials. I do not get the "Excedrin for mermaids" thing.
When we come back, Lyn and Karlyn get on their way, knowing that they're in last.
Meanwhile, Peter and Sarah and Tyler and James get to the Hotel Mongolia and grab a clue for a Roadblock. "Who's ready to aim high?" it asks. Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the chosen person has to use a bow and a flaming arrow to hit a target on the ground. This is apparently an "ancient Mongolian archery training exercise." The target is 160 feet away. Doesn't sound as good if you say it's a little over 50 yards. Once you get a hit, you run up the stairs to the pavilion that's serving as the pit stop. Last team here "may" be eliminated.
Peter and Tyler take the Roadblock. Peter gets a hit, and he annoyingly coaches Sarah as they run to the pit stop. Welcome, you are team number one. And they're quite surprised by this. They win a trip to Mexico. They'll get to swim with dolphins. "Did you imagine that you would be two legs into the race, and... first?" Phil asks. Don't feel bad, Phil. There's like no way around the unintentional leg puns. Believe me. In one of the greatest solo pit stop interviews ever, Sarah says, "There are things that I'm learning about Peter. And I'm not always impressed with that. I make no judgments right now, but I'm making note of it." I seriously hope that is just what it appears to be, which is code for "there's no point in drama in the middle of a race, but I can't believe how creepy he's being, and he will be dumped as soon as I get home." I hope that about five minutes after they returned from the race, she swatted him with the Amazing Purse, kicked him with her real foot, and said, "I'm confident there's a guy out there for me who isn't made of wood." Because for all the talk on the boards about Peter seeming vaguely... gay, which I don't disagree with, what I think is the nut of that is that he doesn't appear to have any genuine affection for Sarah whatsoever. He doesn't seem into her at all -- not like angry boyfriends are not into you, but like cousins aren't into you. I just don't think she registers on his sexual radar at all, and whether that's because he doesn't like girls or because he can't possibly see her as anything other than Widely Admired Girl With Disability, I don't know, but there's nothing about that relationship that seems genuine from his perspective at all, and if he's taking advantage of her because she can get him attention and she has a crush on him, then he sucks.
Tyler takes several shots and hits the target. Welcome, you are team number two.
Lauren takes the Roadblock for her team.
In a fateful sequence, Jamie and Kellie ask directions and are told to turn and go back the way they came. As they go back, they encounter Lyn and Karlyn coming the other way. Both teams keep going, so one of them is right and one of them is wrong.
Lauren takes several shots with the arrows. Tom takes it for his team, and unfortunately, he has that experience with the first arrow where it just falls out of the bow. Ouch. Lauren hits the target, and her dad goes bazoo with excitement. She jumps up and down and runs over to hug him. They make me cry. Welcome, Duke and Lauren, you are team number three. That is a good team, y'all. A very, very good team.
Tom is taking a while to get good with the arrows, but once he does, he's all right, and he finally hits it. They hit the mat and say, "Tawwk to us," they say to Phil. "I'll tawwwk to ya," Phil says back. Ha! "You're team numb-ah faww." Oh, Phil. You scamp. Kimberly takes the Roadblock for her team. Dustin takes it for her team. Kimberly and Rob almost immediately start yelling at each other, and this one appears to be her fault, as far as the escalation to yelling. David takes the Roadblock for himself and Mary. Dave's first shot is no good. Other shots follow. First to get a hit is Dustin, who I seriously hope is a nice girl, because I really dig that team. They are team number five, and if they turn out to suck, I'll be sad.
Rob and Kimberly have a classic moment in which they call each other "babe" and mean "shut up," but what's interesting is that they both grin at the end of it.
Lyn and Karlyn and Kellie and Jamie are still going in opposite directions.
Kimberly finally gets her target, and she runs over and leaps at her boyfriend, which is another good sign. "I'm so proud of you today," he says. David finishes , but on the way to the pit stop, she's complaining of a twisted ankle. Rob and Kimberly are team number six, and quite relieved. David and Mary are team number seven. Erwin hits the target, and some of the EEFPs heard Godwin excitedly call him "Winnie," which would be hilarious, but it's actually "Run, E, let's go!" They're team number eight. All of this is cut with shots of Kellie and Jamie and Lyn and Karlyn, and in editing very similar to what this show used to be good at, they show us someone arriving at the right place, and someone getting out of a Jeep, and someone getting the clue, and it turns out to be... Lyn and Karlyn. Kellie and Jamie, on the other hand, learn that they have gone in the wrong direction.
Lyn works on the Roadblock. Karlyn kibitzes. Jamie and Kellie drive. Finally, Lyn gets her shot to land. They run to the pit stop. Welcome, you are team number nine. "Still in it," they say. Heh. Exactly.
Kellie fires the arrow. And fires. And fires. And fires. It gets dark. "I'm so weak," she finally says. "I can't do it anymore." She reported in a later interview that she shot it more than 100 times, so while I never condone quitting, it's hard to argue, you know? There's a point where the physical strength is going to fail you and you are, in fact, never going to get it no matter how many times you shoot. They hug. They head to the pit stop and are Philiminated. Kellie says that she just couldn't do any more. Jamie wraps up with the nice talk about how they relied on each other, and they do seem like nice girls. Who were not great racers. Adios, cheerleaders. And what makes this a good episode? For one thing, the team that finished last was first at one point during this episode, and several teams who finished strong fell way behind at various points, and it didn't take any artificial bunchings to make that happen. When tasks are about the right degree of difficulty and you've cast the show properly, there is some shuffling during legs. When nothing changes, that's when you're doing it wrong.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: line-cutting drama. Oh, dear. I hate a morality play.