In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Another season kicks off, this time from Seattle, where the first encounter with law enforcement comes from the brothers Cho, who couldn't even wait until they weren't in an airport to haul out their water guns. Smart! In China, we get an unfamiliar-food challenge, but not one involving enormous quantities, which is a huge improvement. A taxi ride later, we find ourselves at the halfway point of the first leg, at which point a Philimination unexpectedly occurs, sending home Bilal and Sa'eed, the Muslim friends who learn that even constant prayer cannot overcome so-so navigation and a bad cab driver. In the second half of the leg, an interesting Detour includes a concentration puzzle disguised as rock-hauling and a complex coordination task designed as "easy." After running into severe navigation issues, lovely Indian couple Vipul and Arti fall seriously behind and are unable to catch up, so they suffer the second Philimination of the episode. The bigger news, however, is that almost no one is severely unlikable in this first hour and a half. Several are sketchy -- a bickering couple of High-Strung Boyfriend and Wigged-Out Girlfriend who will probably yell at each other a lot, the weirdly motivational boyfriend of the ass-kicking triathlete with the artificial leg, and a Kentucky couple who need to get along a little better, specifically. But it's infinitely more promising than the past several seasons, in that it's mostly people you don't want to punch in the face and a few you might, rather than almost exclusively people you do want to punch in the face and a few you would spare. There still models and cheerleaders and beauty queens, but they'reâ¦you know, they're all right. All in all, a very auspicious start in spite of the unfortunate loss of a couple of teams who might have been some of the most different in background from past players. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: I loved this show more than most of my possessions, because it was funny and sharp and affectionate and packed with people who didn't have raging personality disorders. About the worst thing you ever saw was, like, Guido, who were just moustache-twirling puppy dogs, really; or Flo, who's probably an okay girl as long as you don't have to travel with her or ask her to apportion blame for undesirable events, and you keep her away from the internet. And then the really boring fourth season happened, and all the air drained of the show because the casting was dreadful. People hadn't ever really watched it that much anyway, so it made a last-ditch grab for attention in season five with the motto, "We have a little person and an incredibly angry shrimpy dude!" Everyone watched it. So of course, it was concluded that if some obnoxious people losing their shit and going to war with each other were good, more would be even better. On that theory, they cranked it up to nothing but toothy models and wife-shoving creeps, and then the season they threw in some highly controversial stunt casting and people who were just dark-hearted and mean. Even more people watched. At that point, some genius came up with the idea of starting from scratch by casting one family of freakishly awesome ass-kickers along with a bunch of generic whiners and sending them to do heart-pounding tasks like shelling peanuts in clown costumes at Six Flags Over Louisville. That experiment was so disastrous that the show immediately tried to rebound by returning to its original format and hanging on for dear life, but the casting misfired again when it was all a bunch of arrogant young assholes trampling a pile of pleasant cannon fodder. The situation was dire. And that brings you up to date.
We are in Seattle, which you can tell by the contractually required shot of the Space Needle, demanded by the Seattle Department Of Tourism And Street Cred, which watches over portrayals of the city to make sure monuments and coffee are adequately represented. It seriously appears from everything I have ever seen on television that Seattle has no landmarks but this. Not one. If the Space Needle had to be dismantled, you would be forced to begin Seattle montages with a picture of a map with a dot and an arrow pointing to it that said, "Seattle." Phil "I Feel Bad About Jonathan Baker And The Weavers And The Choad Explosion, And I Am Wearing Inoffensive Pants To Win You Back" Keoghan is strolling on the deck of a boat. He looks delectable, but I freely admit that I could be starved for host-related normalcy after watching Julie "You Weren't Expecting...ThisCamera Angle, Were You?" Chen all summer. Twelve teams are about to leave on a "race around the world for one million dollars." Per person, that's only a so-so night on Deal Or No Deal, which makes me think the booty needs increasing. Phil further explains that the racers are currently making their way to the starting line in seaplanes. I'm still waiting for them to be shot out of cannons so that our introductions will involve watching them crawl out of nets. But barring that, let's meet them anyway.
Peter and Sarah are "newly dating triathletes from Southern California." Sarah is very tiny, and Peter towers over her, which always strikes me as a weird situation, dating-wise. I'm not talking sex-wise, I'm just saying that people who are a lot taller than I am make me uneasy, and I tend to inadvertently stand on my tiptoes. Sarah also happens to have an artificial leg, but she -- she -- will not be bringing it up very much, thankfully. Sarah explains in an interview that she and Peter have been friends for seven years, they've trained for a triathlon together, and they both have experience with prosthetics. She uses one; he makes them. This is why I, by analogy, should be friends with baristas. She says she's worn an artificial leg all her life, and she's had a crush on Peter for quite some time. She says that "as a woman," the fact that he can "take care of [her]" is attractive. Hmm. "Sarah's really the first woman that I trust with my heart," Peter says. Considering what this episode leads me to believe about Peter's heart, this may simply mean he trusts her not to short-circuit it or plug something into the wrong port or try to confuse his heart with a hair dryer. I am immensely grateful to Sarah, incidentally, for not saying "I am doing this to prove that I can do whatever people with two legs can do," or "I am doing this to prove how strong I am," or "I am doing this to make a statement about people with disabilities," or "I suspect everyone will underestimate me because I have an artificial leg." Fewer statements, more ass-kicking.
Bilal and Sa'eed are best friends from Cleveland. They are both large, round men with long beards. They are also, as they explain, Muslims and fathers, and their "religion comes first." One of them adds, "There is no question that we will pull over, take five minutes, and pray." It's not that this surprised me, as it's consistent with what I know, but I'm fascinated in a situation like this that people would actually do it.
Rob and Kimberly are dating, and they're from California, and they have these conflicts because headstrong in-charge bitch bastard my way or the highway blah blah blah butt heads see how our relationship works out critical point in the bling bling blee Kelly Jon Chuck Millie Colin Christie Ron Kelly BLECH. His head is very pointy, or else his hair is worn in a way designed to make his head look pointy. And come to think of it, both of their personalities seem kind of pointy.
Dustin and Kandice are friends and beauty queens, and you know what? You can tell that they know perfectly well that this makes a certain number of you want to hate them right off the bat, and they don't mind. It's probably nothing new. It turns out that they met at the Miss America pageant, where Dustin was Miss California 2005 and Kandice was Miss New York 2005. I'm betting there were many, many high-level conference calls regarding the decision about whether to put them on the show, huh? "Hmm, Miss California and Miss New York. They're okay, but I'm still drawn to the socially inept marine biologists with the forehead acne. They're so interesting." Dustin says that it's their competitiveness that holds them together as friends. One of the things I like about casting them is that they haven't been friends forever, apparently -- I like the idea of including some pals who might still be forging their friendship, rather than it always being best friends who claim to have sprung from a single acorn of the soul.
David and Mary are a married couple, and he's a coal miner. And for all you'll hear about the "diversity" in this cast, this is probably their most creative and unexpected piece of casting. As screwy as we are about race and ethnicity in this country, we're even worse about class, and as unlikely as you think you were to see, for instance, Indian-Americans on the race, you were less likely to see David and Mary, and I'm very happy they were included. David says that he thinks they're "tougher than most people," given that he goes underground every day and tries not to die, while they go out and, say, practice for the swimsuit competition. Not to encourage people to be self-congratulatory, but I'll buy that. Mary also tells us that she didn't believe at first that David really was interested in her because he was so cute (and boy, I hear that), and he admits that she made him pursue her pretty aggressively before she went out with him. Cute!
Erwin and Godwin (Reliable EEFP El Guapo: "There should be a third brother named Cubswin") are brothers with great big arms. Not that I don't like a nice arm, but I could definitely do without the shot of Godwin sloppily smooching his own bicep. That is just not okay, even ironically. Rainn Wilson already killed that joke for all comers, and all you can do is hurt yourself. Godwin tells us that he studied for his graduate degree at NYU, like it's supposed to be all impressive. I am here to tell you, there are plenty of people studying for graduate degrees at high-ranking academic institutions who couldn't common-sense their way through a trip to the grocery store and don't have the social skills to survive a book-club meeting without making everyone so uncomfortable that they all simultaneously pretend to get phone calls saying their houses are burning down and they have to leave immediately, so it's going to take a little bit more than that to crank me up. Erwin adds that he doesn't think anything can be thrown at them that they can't figure out. Book smarts uber alles!
Duke and Lauren are father and daughter. In their interview, Duke says that he loves Lauren "to death," but he says, "There's just a teeny bit of disappointment, as a father, looking at Lauren." And then he starts crying, and he reaches over and puts his hand on her knee. And why is he disappointed in this seemingly intelligent, lovely, pleasant young woman? Well, Lauren is gay, you see, and this has been a problem for him, to the point where they went for a while without talking at all. It's obviously really depressing that he would react this way to something she has no control over, but to his credit, he's at least trying to repair their relationship. What struck me about that interview was that even as he knew he was saying something really hurtful to her, he reached over to touch her, like he's crying not because she's gay, but because he knows how stupid it is that he feels that way and he's trying to not to feel that way. It's still wrong, and I still obviously mostly feel for her, but the fact that he's making the effort makes it a really different situation from the cold-staring parent who just disinvites the kid from Christmas permanently. There is a shot of Duke and Lauren walking on the beach with Lauren's (presumably) girlfriend, too, so... it's interesting. It's not like, "Congratulations for not being a bigot," but he clearly loves her.
Vipul and Arti are a married couple. Arti says that they follow a lot of traditions from Indian culture, and we watch as she lights a candle. She adds that if they go on the race, they can get all of their desire to have fun "out of [their] system before [they] have kids." Seriously, my friends who have kids? All dead inside. No more fun for them. They're basically empty shells, hollowed out where the fun used to be. (Dear My Friends: I'm still invited over, right?)
Kellie and Jamie are cheerleaders. Yay! They're also best pals. Yay! They have matching bandannas. Yay! "You could put us in a cardboard box and we'd find a way to have fun," Kellie says. "We both have the personality that we could have a conversation with a doorknob," Jamie adds. These two lines both brought to you by the God Of Setting The Ball So That The Entire Internet Can Spike It In Unison. It's the kind of setup that actually makes me choke, because what am I going to say about a cheerleader who talks about her own communication skills and uses the word "doorknob"?
Tyler and James are, as Phil says, "recovering drug addicts -- and models!" Hey, there's no point in bothering with regular drug addicts when you can have drug addicts and models. Soon: "Mother and daughter -- and models!" "Plaintiff and defendant -- and models!" "Santa and elf -- and models!" Apparently, these guys met during their recovery and became friends, and then they decided that the logical step after rehab was modeling. This is where Kim would say: "As you do." Tyler says that they've learned through their addiction and recovery that they have this inner strength and so forth. It's safe to say I know people who've been through recovery who would agree with that, and some who probably wouldn't.
Lyn and Karlyn are "lifelong friends and single mothers," and they're from Alabama. They're not models, though. Karlyn says that they're both "very independent," and they don't need help from anyone and so forth. She does say that she occasionally wishes she had someone to kill spiders. Man, with me, it's jars. I have an unopened jar of salsa in my apartment that is waiting for either (1) and especially enormously-built boyfriend; or (2) the day I become mighty. It will not be opened until one of those things arrives. I'll probably eventually just smash it on the balcony, pick out the big pieces of glass, and scoop it up with tortilla chips.
Tom and Terry are boyfriends, and... wow, some couples just really do look and act very alike. They're both sort of small and hyper and balding, and they just seem like they're pretty much exactly the same guy. They certainly would be trying out for the same parts if they were both actors. Oh my God, maybe that's how they met! I am so smart. I do have to say... I sort of cringe at having boyfriends on this show who are so sort of stereotypically Sean-Hayes-y, like, is it necessary to see them at the nail salon? I have nothing against nail-salon guys, and these guys seem lovely and I have no objection to them, but our last boyfriends were Lynn and Alex, and we're not exactly breaking that mold with this team, particularly because of their interview about how they're not here to make friends, either. Boyfriends don't always have to be self-identifying as bitchy, and it kind of irritates me. I always think it's sad that they're like, "I'm not going to be sending Christmas cards to these people." Because... why not? I mean, on this show, why not? This is a show where you can make friends. Maybe not stop to help people, but certainly make friends. It doesn't require acting against other people like Survivor ultimately does, so why not at least try?
The teams march across a park as Phil gives the standard "brains, brawn, and teamwork" speech. It's kind of his "39 Days... [x] People... One Survivor!" I feel a little ripped off by Phil's inadequate eyebrow pop here, but he gives at least a little one before he strolls away from us on the boat.
We reconvene at a round paved area where the teams have been gathered into an arc so that Phil can give them the sendoff. He talks about how it's divided into "many legs," and that each leg ends in a pit stop, and that eight of the pit stops are elimination points. You'll notice that with twelve teams, unless you think four teams are running to the finish line, that means someone is getting eliminated at some point that isn't a pit stop, or two teams are being eliminated at the same time. He goes on to caution them not to assume they know everything that's going to happen, because this time around will include surprises. You will all be divided up and you will have to run the race with the people who are the same ethnicity as you! Just kidding. Phil explains that when he gives the go, they can run over to their bags, read the directions, hop in one of the spoon-fed SUVs, and go. Winners get a million bucks! Woooo!
"The world is waiting for you," he says. "Good luck. Travel safe... go!" First down the hill are Bilal and Sa'eed, then Rob and Kimberly. Lagging significantly behind on the way down the uneven terrain of the hill are Peter and Sarah, who is having to gallop a little unnaturally. In the race's first reversal, the directions tell the teams to fly to Beijing, China, so we're going West instead of East. Oh my God, they're going to have to run backwards the entire time! They have a choice between only two flights -- a United flight that leaves first, and a Korean Air flight that leaves forty minutes later. They're getting $66 for the leg. Not big bucks, that's for sure. The teams run to the cars, and Tyler and James are the first to get in and get going. As Bilal and Sa'eed get in their car, Bilal says, as translated, "Allah is the greatest." Godwin demonstrates his from-southern-California-ness when he refers to I-5 as "the I-5." They don't do that outside Los Angeles so much, dude. Kellie and Jamie are not helping the public image of cheerleaders everywhere by struggling with starting the car -- which is an automatic. What! Will! Happen!
Credits. I missed you, credits music. I like you even better now that you're a slightly extended dance mix. [BOMP.]
When we return, Godwin tells Erwin that they just need to get to the highway and get to the flight. "To the homeland!" he says. And then he pauses. "Although we're not Chinese." Oh, I loved that line. I don't have any idea what was behind his saying that, but it entertained me enormously. He's kind of like, "I'm the Asian guy! ...You know, for what it's worth."
Back in the parking lot, Dustin and Kandice are also having a hard time with the car, as are David and Mary and Duke and Lauren. Apparently, automatics aren't as uniformly easy to operate as one might think. Everyone finally (literally) gets in gear, and they're off.
Tyler and James decide to pull into a gas station and ask for directions to the airport, not concerned about the fact that people are passing them. As Bilal yells at traffic, he interviews that he's the more aggressive one, and Sa'eed is the more passive one. He thinks the "blend" will serve them well. Elsewhere, Jamie and Kellie successfully make the turn to get on I-5, while the *wins and Tom and Terry do not. Rob and Kimberly are also not where they want to be, although Rob seems distracted by the fact that he's admiring the car, which seems distressingly in character for his type. Karlyn is happily telling Lyn that in China, people will like them for being from Alabama, because they like the movie Forrest Gump. That seems like a completely random thing to know, but I'm glad she's optimistic about her chances of making friends. I don't know if I consider "Chinese people just love Forrest Gump" to be a sound piece of cultural commentary, but I wouldn't mind seeing Karlyn introduce herself around by explaining that she's kind of like Tom Hanks in that movie.
Peter tells Sarah he thinks the other teams were eyeing her and thinking "there's no way." That is such a... bizarre observation. He's weird. We move to an interview in which Sarah says that people with disabilities tend to be "looked upon differently," but she knows she can be "tougher than the rest." As far as her toughness, it's early to make predictions beyond "she's tougher than me," but I would certainly make that one. In the Vipul and Arti car, he's sort of giddy and amused that they're actually doing the race, which is just how I think I would react. Not that I would do it at all, for several reasons, but if I did, I think I would just keep dorking out the entire time. "Phil!" "A flag!" "A Detour! With pros and cons!" I'd be stealing the flags and looking into the camera and trying to say highly quotable things like "Everyone will underestimate me because I'm from the internet!" I realize I've just now ruined my chances of being cast. There goes that $500,000. Vipul interviews that Arti is sweet and wonderful and beautiful, which has the immediate effect of making them seem doomed. David is asking Mary for directions, and she's pointing out that without a map, there's not much she can do about directions. David pulls over, and they are passed by Duke and Lauren. David asks for directions from a guy who tells them to take 99 rather than trying to get on I-5. Staying off the interstate is often the right thing to do in a local trip, I find.
And in this case, it will turn out to be excellent advice, because the teams stuck on I-5 are getting no love from the gods of traffic. There is an accident up ahead, and things are looking grim. Peter decides to "gamble" on getting off at an exit and trying to go around the accident. Ultimately, he does successfully wind back onto I-5 beyond the point of the accident. Good move, that. Elsewhere, we check in on Mary and David. She talks a bit about how "where [they] come from," the man makes the decisions and the wife takes care of the kids. I'd point out in her defense that I think "where we come from" here doesn't mean "Kentucky" or "the south," but really their specific background, where it may well be true. There still are such places, after all. I also don't think she's endorsing that theory; only saying it's the environment in which she feels like she grew up. She tells us that on the race, they'll need to work "50-50." I feel you on the principle, lady, but as to the reality? Tell it to Zach. The reason to work equally is that albatrosses are bad, not that you can't get away with being one if it's really what you want.
Dustin and Kandice also seem to be avoiding the traffic, though it's not clear whether they actually exited, or just spent a lot of time zipping down the exit lanes and then forcing their way back in, just like the people I can't stand on the highway. These are special circumstances and so forth, but normally, I think people who drive down the exit lane are going to hell, and the trucks that block them by sitting resolutely on the fog line should get superhero uniforms.
Peter and Sarah are the first to arrive at Thrifty Airport Parking, where they park their car and climb onto the bus.
In the back of the SUV, Sa'eed is praying, and he's hoping that it's "the will of God" that they get on the first flight. Yuck. I'm still really not thinking God wills who gets on the first flight, since it requires God to sort reality-show competitors, which I just cannot accept. Phil explains that the flights will be evenly divided -- six teams will get on the first flight, and six teams will get on the second, which lands almost an hour later. Peter and Sarah scramble into the airport and look for the United counter.
On one of the shuttle buses, David and Mary and Dustin and Kandice meet up, both having parked their cars. Mary asks them how they know each other, and Dustin (or Kandice... dude, I have no idea yet) says that they're Miss California and Miss New York. Mary thinks this is precious. "Ohhh, y'all are beautiful!" she says. It's an endearing moment, like she realizes when they say what they do that she kind of has to process them as beauty queens now, when before, they might have just been pretty girls who are friends. It's also interesting that Dustin (or Kandice) chooses to introduce them as Miss California and Miss New York, rather than just as friends, which she certainly could have done. I don't dislike her for mentioning it, but I would have dug her for not mentioning it, if that makes sense.
At the airport, Peter and Sarah get their tickets on the first flight. Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary follow, and after checking on the Korean Air flight and confirming that it lands later, these lead teams get their tickets on United.
And now, we see in a montage that some of the teams are being confused by the fact that they're to return the cars to a Thrifty off-site parking lot, and they instead take the entrance for the Thrifty Rental Car Return, which is different. Bilal and Sa'eed make this mistake, as do Kellie and Jamie, so both wind up driving around the parking garages. Vipul and Arti and Lyn and Karlyn do not have this problem. Eventually, the teams that got it wrong get redirected by a nice garage attendant, but they're not happy about the time they lost. Oh, and the Pointies and the *wins? Also using the wrong exit. Delightfully, Pointy Rob treats Pointy Kim like she's a total moron for not knowing that if it's Thrifty parking, you obviously use Rental Car Return. Enjoy watching this one on television, nitwit, and enjoy your championship in the Olympic sport of eating your own 'tude. The Pointies get into the garage, get turned around, and are already fighting. Tom and Terry, almost forgotten as they will be for most of the episode, make it to Thrifty and get on the shuttle, as Rob sweats whether they're even going to get on either flight at this rate. That would be an interesting opening, wouldn't it? Half the teams getting to neither of the spoon-fed flights? I wonder what would happen.
Commercials.
When we come back, the misdirected Rental Car Return Wanderers are being sent to the correct lot, while inside, Tyler and James, Duke and Lauren, and Lyn and Karlyn are lined up for tickets on United. Vipul and Arti line up behind that group, and they are soon joined by Kellie and Jamie. When the cheerleaders introduce themselves, Vipul introduces himself as "Vipul... of the People." Ha! I don't even entirely know what that means, but it's delightfully silly in a way that's not over-the-top, and controlled silliness goes a long way on this show. Kellie and Jamie are very amused. As expected, Lyn and Karlyn nail down the last seats on the United flight, and as they're doing that, Kellie and Jamie meet up with Duke and Lauren. "What's y'all's relationship? Are y'all brother and sister, or dating, or what?" "This is my dad," Lauren says. Jamie and Kellie laugh, and Duke adds, "I've been trying to ask her out for years!" It's completely creepy, officially, but it's already so awkward to be mistaken for your daughter's boyfriend -- for a couple of reasons -- that he didn't have a lot of attractive options there.
Vipul and Arti learn that they will not be making the Beijing flight on United, so they have to run for Korean Air, along with Kellie and Jamie. Outside, a loud crash of music announces the arrival of Tom and Terry. They seem to head for Korean Air immediately. And indeed, they get their tickets on the second flight before the teams running from United, but I'm not sure that in the long run, it's a good sign that Tom and Terry gave up and went directly to the suck flight. Bilal and Sa'eed arrive behind Vipul and Arti, and the teams share a warm greeting in which Bilal both claps Vipul on the back and offers him a hearty handshake. When Kellie comes over and tries to shake hands, however, Bilal tells her that he can't shake her hand because of his religion. He makes like he's going to hug her instead, but I don't think he actually is. She's very game and gracious about it, slyly saying, "What if I shake your hand and you don't know it?" Heh. And: I wouldn't try it. Up at the counter getting their tickets, Kellie quietly asks Jamie, "Do Muslims believe in Buddha?" Jamie pauses, and for a minute, it seems like she's going to say, "No, dummy," but instead, she says, "I don't know." Ay yi yi. I bet they're feeling that one.
The *wins and Pointies run up to Korean Air. They get tickets. And then, rather mystifyingly, the *wins decide to go into the bathroom and fill up their water guns at the sink. You heard me: water guns. In the airport. And when they get outside and David goes to shake their hands, Erwin takes out a water gun and squirts him. Now, I get the fun of water guns, but first of all, you don't really know this guy, and with people you don't know, that just makes you look like a moron. Pranks are for friends, not people you just met. Second of all, it may just be me, but my recollection is that shooting things at people in an airport is frowned upon and may cause discomfort, mostly for you when you're handcuffed, detained, and searched up one body cavity and down the other. Mary comes over, and they squirt her too. She swats Godwin on the arm and says, "Look at you, you're so rude!" The boys laugh. They run around spraying people until the sad/awesome moment when they are approached by an unamused airport cop. "Those are not allowed," he says, taking the guns right out of their hands. "Oh, look," says James to Tyler. "He's getting jacked for the squirt gun." Oh, I get it. That's some of his street lingo, from drugs. Tyler and James find the forced removal of the water guns completely hilarious, and I can't really blame them. After all, if nothing else, it's a promising sign for the other teams that the *wins, while buff and well-educated, are not savvy. up: cherry bombs in the baggage claim area in Tokyo!
The United flight is getting ready to leave, and pre-boarding is announced. Peter and Sarah get on the flight and have their passports checked. James and Tyler look up to see whether it's time to board, and one says, "She's pre-board, because of the leg." "That's no excuse!" the other one snorts. Peter's voice is heard saying, "We're going to be able to play that card for a lot of places." He doesn't appear to be saying this at this particular moment, so it's not at all clear what the context is, but it doesn't bode well. At any rate, it appears to have no effect on anything, since all parts of the flight leave at the same time, and when it goes, it carries Peter and Sarah, Dustin and Kandice, David and Mary, Tyler and James, Duke and Lauren, and Lyn and Karlyn.
Back at the Seattle airport, Bilal and Sa'eed are praying. Unfortunately, I have to think that's going to get them a lot of attention when done in the middle of an airport waiting area. Their flight eventually leaves, with Tom and Terry, Kellie and Jamie, Vipul (of the People) and Arti, Bilal and Sa'eed, the *wins, and the Pointies.
And now: Beijing. This is a show that is always eager to teach you about great cities of the world, and what we learn about Beijing is that it's dark. Very, very dark. The United flight has been delayed, so when it lands, it's 8:22 PM. Ohhhh, maybe that's why it's dark. Duke and Lauren are first off the plane, but Peter and Sarah decide to "outrun these guys" (his words) through the airport. "She can run the Ironman but she can't stand in line?" snots Lyn or Karlyn. Now, it looked in the show like this referred to pre-boarding, but online video apparently suggests that this has something to do with getting favorable treatment at customs, which they almost never show. If that's true, in a sense, I feel the frustration, but... here's the thing. The girl with the artificial leg is not going to get an unfair advantage. She's really not. I can't speak for her, but I suspect that for the purposes strictly of having the easiest time completing elements of the race quickly, given that it's designed for people with two legs, she would gladly trade her entire arsenal of assistive devices for two regular legs. Another way of looking at it? I'll make you a deal, Lyn and Karlyn. You take the artificial leg, and she gets your legs, for the rest of the race. Along with her artificial leg, you can have all the sympathy, pre-boarding, and (for the sake of argument) ability to get through customs more quickly that goes with it. Take the whole package as a trade -- her situation for yours. Of course, you won't be a triathlete, because she worked for that part, but strictly leg for leg, we'll let you trade with her and see how you do.
I do not think you will take the deal. In which case you know that any "advantages" she's getting are still smaller than the built-in disadvantages. It's not that her artificial leg is worse, it's that the world is not designed around people who have an artificial leg. She's the outlier, and that will remain the case. Seriously, if you're on this particular race and your biggest concern is that the girl with one leg has it so easy? I have to think you need to stop and think. One more thing: I've always thought it was considered incredibly dangerous to get into the realm of "it makes no sense that someone would be able to do this, but not be able to do that." I'm not an expert, but my understanding has always been that there are disabilities that affect people in ways you would never think of, and there are certainly people who can walk or run but not stand for long periods, and while I'm not arguing that Sarah in particular would have any justification for "can't stand in line," you just can't apply a general sense of "I find this harder than that; therefore, no disability could possibly allow the more difficult without help but not the less difficult." You really... don't want to go there, like, at all. That's how you wind up attacking people in parking lots for parking in handicapped spaces and learning that they have a disability you can't see but they can feel.
Duke and Lauren are in their taxi, and Phil explains that the teams are headed for the Gold House Restaurant. There, they will find another clue. Peter and Sarah, Lyn and Karlyn, and David and Mary follow. In the cab, Mary comments, "Beijing is gorgeous." David is fixated on the fact that "it's huge." Heh. Compared to a town where you mine coal? Probably so. Mary interviews that she finds China "very overwhelming." In what I think is their intro interview, she says that she's never been outside Kentucky and Tennessee in her life, so "it's like dropping a thirty-year-old baby into the world and telling them, 'just go.'" Aw, that's kind of cool. And true. And the reason that "diversity" in casting has a lot of dimensions. Dustin and Kandice get their cab, and they comment on how they "look like such tourists" because they're being stared at. It's interesting -- many beauty queens would assume that's because they're so hot, but in fact, I suspect they're right -- it's the cameras and the blondeness and the fact that they look like spectacles that's getting all the attention; not lust. Tyler and James comment on the fact that the plane was 20 minutes or so late as they scamper out of the terminal.
In the cabs, Peter says that Lyn and Karlyn don't like him and Sarah because "we've outrun them." I'm fairly sure that's... not the reason. And I don't want to say what I think the reason is, Peter, but I think it might be someone who looks, acts, talks, and plugs into an outlet at night for recharging very much like you do. For her part, Karlyn is bitching that "one minute, [Sarah] has a disability, and the minute, she's fine, she can do this, she can do that." Wait... are you saying that sometimes she needs help, and other times she wants people to respect the things that she can do? Wow, that does sound ridiculous! That doesn't sound like the way the rest of us lead our lives at all. I mean, either you can do everything without help, or you're totally helpless, right? Bleh. Karlyn declares that she already wants to Yield Peter and Sarah. This just seems like such an overreaction, you know? I haven't seen Sarah complain that she thinks the other teams should be stopping to help her or standing aside for her, as Mirna constantly did about Charla, and all I've seen happen so far is that her boyfriend's disembodied voice talked about something akin to pre-boarding being useful in other places as well. I didn't care for it, but... it's not puppy-kicking, you know? Note: None of this makes Sarah likable, and it certainly doesn't make Peter likable. In fact, Peter strikes me as a weird, cold dude in a way I can't quite put my finger on, but makes me think, as hinted at above, that he's made of metal on the inside himself. Not because he needs prosthetics, but just because he likes it that way.
The Korean Air flight lands at 9:00, and the first into a cab are Tom and Terry. "Yay! We're going to the Gold House!" says one. Kellie and Jamie are . Kimberly is talking to Rob about how her "adrenaline" is going, and they're both wearing nerd glasses. (You know, they really shouldn't be allowed to wear glasses. It's like one minute, they're all, "I'm strong and I can race," and the minute, they're like, "Oh, I need glasses! Can't see without my glasses!") Bilal and Sa'eed are the out, and then the last two teams out are the *wins and Vipul and Arti. Godwin perceptively notes that Beijing is "a lot like Korea, just more Chinese characters." All righty, then.
Duke and Lauren seem to have bonded with their cab driver, and they cheer excitedly as he drops them off at Gold House. They open the clue, and it's a Roadblock. Phil explains that this Roadblock involves eating fish eyes. And while I'm not a gross-food-challenge enthusiast, at least it's not four pounds of fish eyes, you know? My thing with the food is that I hate the gorging. Not eating unfamiliar food, which is a staple going back to the first season, but gorging like you're trying to make people sick. It is interesting that they have to "eat all the eyeballs out of a bowl of fish heads." In other words, they have to pluck them out themselves, which is the part I would find unsettling, I think. I think I would keep saying "excuse me" to the fish head while removing its eyes.
Anyway, the clue says, "Who's hungry to stay in the race?", and Duke takes it for the team. Lyn and Karlyn arrive . Inside, Lauren is laughing at the sight of her father scarfing fish eyes. She declines to holler, "That one is for my girlfriend!" At one point, he sort of cough-gags, and he says, "Delicious." Heh. Peter and Sarah arrive, and he takes the Roadblock for them. He immediately calls the eyeballs "gnarly," which: ick. What is with that guy? It's like they unfroze his vocabulary and his entire sensibility from 1988. Maybe that's when his programming was written! Karlyn is actually the first to finish eating, and she and Lyn get the clue that tells them to take a taxi to the Forbidden City and find the Meridian Gate. There, they'll find a "kiosk" where they'll pull a departure time for the morning. There are times at 7:00, times at 7:15, and an ominous card that says "Last Team." Phil tells us that at the kiosk, they'll also discover the first "big surprise." Uh-oh. I somehow do not think it will be a nice surprise. Lyn and Karlyn run outside and get their cab to the Forbidden City, and they're followed by Duke and Lauren. In their cab, Duke and Lauren talk about grabbing a time, and he wonders whether someone might be eliminated. She's sure that won't happen yet.
Back at Gold House, Peter finishes his fish eyes, and he and Sarah get their clue. Dustin and Kandice, meanwhile, arrive at what they are told is Gold House. When they get out, however, they learn that they're not in the right place. David and Mary, however, are at Gold House, and Mary sits down for a big serving of fish eyes. Tyler and James arrive shortly thereafter, and James starts to eat. As David and Mary -- who made short work of those fish eyes, apparently -- are leaving, Kellie and Jamie are arriving, the first team from the second flight to make it to the restaurant. They run into Tyler and James as the boys are leaving, and the teams greet each other. Outside, Tyler and James wind up getting their cab ahead of a frustrated David and Mary, who are still waiting to find a driver who claims to know where it is they need to go. It sucks, because when they finally get a cab, Mary says to the driver, "Real fast, kuai kuai!", but the show decides to make it "Quack Quack" in the title, like she's dumb and she's saying "quack quack," which she's clearly not. It's "kuai kuai" in her accent, and it may be accented, but she's trying, and she's not wrong, and I'm kind of disappointed that mocking the way she talks was their first choice for an episode title.
At Gold House, Terry takes the eyeballs for his team. They run into Kellie and Jamie, while elsewhere, Dustin and Kandice continue to wander aimlessly. Kellie and Jamie finish up the eyeballs and go, followed by Tom and Terry. Dustin and Kandice? Still lost. "We're so far behind right now," they lament. Even beauty queens feel lost sometimes. That's so comforting.
Commercials.
When we come back, Dustin and Kandice finally recruit a guy who claims to know where Gold House is, and he agrees to walk there with them. In the Pointy cab, Rob is offering extra money to the driver to get them there in a hurry. Also in cabs, Bilal says he's "jittery," and Vipul says that he's concerned about how slow the cab is going. Godwin thinks his driver is too slow, too. Perhaps they don't understand the speed limit.
Finally, Dustin and Kandice are dropped off at the Gold House, where Rob and Kimberly are just arriving. I freely admit that I am having a very, very hard time telling Dustin and Kandice apart, but I'm pretty sure it's Kandice who takes the Roadblock.
Meanwhile, at the Meridian Gate, Duke and Lauren and Lyn and Karlyn have arrived, but they can't find the right entrance. Peter and Sarah, however, do find it, and they pull a 7:00 AM departure time. "Good job, kid," Peter says, and they hug. Pretty solid finish for them. Now, Duke and Lauren and Lyn and Karlyn arrive, and they both pull 7:00 AM departures. The final 7:00 AM departure goes to Tyler and James.
Gold House. Vipul and Arti arrive, and he starts eating fish eyes in a hurry. Kandice is still working on hers. "They're actually really... not bad," she says bravely, then puts a fist to her mouth delicately. Poor thing. She is used to having her ass sprayed with glue, though, so that will make you brave. And good at gritting your Vaseline-covered teeth and bearing it. I didn't expect to like the beauty queens out of the gate, but there you go.
David and Mary are arriving at the Meridian Gate, but after they're out of their cab, they're passed by Tom and Terry, who are thanking their driver ("Xie xie") for his good work, and then by Kellie and Jamie. So apparently, they didn't pick the best possible drop-off point. Indeed, Jamie and Kellie and Tom and Terry wind up arriving , and they pull 7:15 AM departure times. The four of them have a big group hug, and that's probably just about as much bubbly enthusiasm as the world could ever need. There may actually be bubbly enthusiasm leaking into the atmosphere as a result. It's pollution now. Thanks, you jerks!
The *wins are looking for Gold House, and it's not going too well for them. Kandice, however, is finally finished with fish eyes and ready to go. "The blondes are beating us," Kimberly says unhappily. Yeah, eat it, Pointy.
David and Mary hit the kiosk and pull a 7:15 AM departure time.
Wearing his "Cho Bros" t-shirt, Godwin tries to flag down someone who speaks English who can help them find the Gold House.
"The Muslims are here," Kimberly says to Rob. That's going to be charming over the course of an entire season. On the other hand, Arti calls them "the Beards," and while it's more descriptive, it's also not the way I'd go. It turns out it's kind of hard to find a shorthand way to refer to people without learning their names based on what you managed to learn about them in ten seconds. Bilal eats fish eyes. Outside, the *wins try to figure out how to get into the restaurant; inside, Kimberly points Rob toward the last couple of fish eyes he needs to pluck out and eat. They leave in ninth place. The *wins? Still working outside. "This can't be it, man!" one of them remarks. No, it can't. Vipul (of the People!) finishes the fish eyes while Bilal is still working and the *wins are once again driving around trying to find Gold House. As Vipul and Arti leave, Bilal kind of stares after them, and Sa'eed reminds him to stop watching the other people and get back to work. There are fish eyes to eat!
Dustin and Kandice arrive at the kiosk, and they pluck the last 7:15 AM departure time. Considering how badly they got screwed on the taxi and the disorientation, they handled this pretty well, I think. Dustin talks about how "disheartening" it is that two teams from the later plane -- those being Jamie and Kellie and Tom and Terry -- beat them to this spot, which they're not happy about. I'm just glad they used the word "disheartening," because I've seen quite a few people go by on various shows who wouldn't even know that word. It's all so promising!
In 11th place, still ahead of the *wins, Bilal and Sa'eed finish up the fish eyes and get on their way. In the cab, Bilal looks back on his experience. "I'm from Cleveland, Ohio! What do I know about chopsticks?" he wonders. The Chinese restaurants of Cleveland take offense en masse. Finally, the *wins arrive at Gold House. Erwin starts scarfing fish eyes. "Not too tasty," he comments. Aw, that's nicely polite, considering what I think it stands for in his internal monologue.
At the kiosk, Rob and Kimberly are stuck with 7:30 AM. Vipul and Arti's driver doesn't seem sure where they need to go, which Arti thinks is a language problem. Bilal and Sa'eed's driver has to pull over and ask for directions. There certainly seems to be an accumulation of late-stage taxi problems here. They'd better get a move on, because back at Gold House, Erwin is all done with the fish eyes. Vipul and Arti stop in somewhere to ask for directions, bringing their driver with them. Inside, they get someone to give the driver some help, which is exactly how you do it -- you take your driver with you. Smart. Bilal and Sa'eed are frustrated at feeling like they're "driving in circles with this guy."
So Vipul and Arti, Bilal and Sa'eed, and the *wins are the remaining teams converging on the Meridian Gate. Vipul and Arti arrive first, and they pull one of the 7:30 cards. The *wins are . 7:30 for them, too. And last, Bilal and Sa'eed, who are stuck pulling the horrible little card that says "Last Team," which instructs them to go and find Phil. Uh-oh. They almost never let Phil give good news. They jog up to a mat, where Phil meets them, looking like his original, old-school, Grim Reaper incarnation. All the other teams are gathered nearby to watch what's going to happen here. Phil tells Bilal and Sa'eed that they are the last to arrive, and that although it's not a pit stop, they are both out of the race. "Wow," Bilal says sadly. He says that they didn't think they could be Philiminated without the words "pit stop," but Phil reminds them that he said there would be some surprises along the way. "This just goes to show that you really have no control over anything. The creator does," Bilal says. Eh. I'm not sure changing the rules of the race provides additional evidence of the hand of the Creator, but that's a theological debate we probably don't need to have. (Do they believe in Buddha? Just kidding!)
Other teams talk about how much of a bummer it is that people had to get eliminated so fast. "They seem like really good guys," Tyler and James agree. "Expect the unexpected," Mary says in a surprising salute to Chicken George. Sarah chokes up a little, saying that she'd "be heartbroken if it had to end here." The weeping does seem a bit over the top, considering the one whole half a leg and zero pit stops that they've had to bond with each other. Phil rescues us from all this maudlin madness and promises that our show will continue shortly.
When we come back, teams are still decompressing, with reactions from "it's a game" to "I'll miss them." "We're just thankful that we get to race another day," Jamie says.
The morning, Phil reminds us that the teams will leave the Forbidden City in three groups, fifteen minutes apart. At 7:00, the teams leaving are Duke and Lauren, Peter and Sarah, Lyn and Karlyn, and Tyler and James. Phil explains that the teams have to get in the sidecars of motorbikes and direct the drivers to an address where a pedicab manager will give them a clue. As Peter and Sarah leave, she reveals that today, when she was putting her prosthetic leg on, she realized that it was leaking hydraulic fluid. While it's not painful for her to walk on it, it's definitely more difficult. Peter tells us that he's not able to fix the leak, so Sarah says, "I'm just going to have to be tougher." Duke and Lauren are leaving on a more positive note, with Lauren saying that they seem to be "in a good groove," and they've been "very consistent." She's also very pleased with their communication, which does seem to have been pretty good so far. Lyn thinks the other teams don't like them because they're so good. Hey, she and Peter think alike! Maybe they can be friends. In an interview not conducted during the race, I don't think, Tyler says that addiction is very difficult, and they've conquered that, and "inside of each of us, there's a fighter." Mine is named "El Toro," by the way, and he has red boxing gloves. I keep him in my ear, mostly, where he is well situated to give me advice. Like "punch that guy," which is what he usually says. You can see why I do not always listen to El Toro.
The second group departs at 7:15 AM, including Tom and Terry, Jamie and Kellie, Dustin and Kandice, and David and Mary.
The lead teams get into their little motorbikes. There is a little bit of motoring through the streets, and then Peter and Sarah are the first to arrive at the pedicabs, with the other teams close behind. The clue they receive is a Detour. It asks them to choose between Labor and Leisure. Phil explains that in Labor, you choose a pedicab and go a mile to a market. There, you take bricks and pave a 45-square-foot section of sidewalk according to a particular pattern of large and small bricks that you have to duplicate exactly. In Leisure, you travel two miles to a park, where you participate in a "new Chinese relaxation exercise" that requires you to complete a sort of dance routine with a paddle and a ball. You have to do it successfully in unison with the rest of the participants, and then you're done.
All four of the first teams choose the labor. More bricks! Less synchronized exercising!
At 7:30, the last group goes -- Rob and Kimberly, Vipul and Arti, and the *wins. The *wins talk in their interview about how this is the day they "catch some teams," but they manage to get going in last place.
Peter and Sarah and Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the market together. As they're getting started, Phil points out what we will soon realize -- to do this correctly, the teams have to figure out that there's a border of dark gray stones before you start in with the complicated pattern of red bricks. Neither of the early-arriving teams figures this out. In an interview, Sarah says Peter is "more hyper" than she is, by which she means, "kind of an asshole." Indeed, he's very bossy, and he immediately starts telling her to just bring bricks over, and he'll take care of putting them down. It is in this scene that I become deeply suspicious of Peter. Lyn and Karlyn, also not hip to the dark stones, are also in a little bit of an early snit in this first real time-pressured concentration task of the race. Lyn interviews that Karlyn "has to be in control." Duke and Lauren follow, then Tyler and James, to whom Duke refers to as "surfin' dudes." That is... not such a good characterization, although I guess I wouldn't expect him to call them "drug addicts... and models!" or anything. Duke and Lauren do not catch on to the paving stones right away, either, but guess who does? Tyler and James, the "surfin' dudes." They immediately recognize the need to start with the border. Peter, on the other hand, is so busy being bossy that Sarah almost has to literally bonk him on the head with a brick before he hears her pointing out the issue of the border stones. Duke and Lauren finally figure it out, too, and then Lyn and Karlyn finally do, so now, everyone is on their way.
The second group of teams arrives at the pedicabs. This time, Dustin and Kandice and David and Mary pick the Labor, but Tom and Terry and (logically) Jamie and Kellie want to dance. Unfortunately, the traffic on the way to the Leisure option seems to be pretty brutal, so that may not wind up being a very effective decision. I would not enjoy sitting in a pedicab that was completely stopped, I'll tell you that much.
Vipul and Arti, unfortunately, are having trouble even getting to the pedicabs. They sense that they're "going in circles." Vipul (of the People!) tries to call out to some guys to see if they speak English -- or, as he says, "American English" -- but he's getting no love. Maybe he's not Vipul of these people. The rest of the back part of the pack is getting to the pedicabs, with the Pointies taking Labor, and then the *wins doing the same. Vipul and Arti? Still on the motorbike asking directions. "This is crazy, this is nuts," he says. Well, it's not good, that's for sure. "I guess this is when a map would have come in handy," Arti comments. I have to wonder how they were supposed to direct their driver anywhere if they didn't have a map, you know?
Commercials.
When we come back, we are continuing to fixate on the sad case of Vipul and Arti on the motorbike. Even the traffic lights seem to take an inordinately long time. It is as if all of China is conspiring to make them lose. And that is a lot of people. They finally find someone who seems to understand Arti's requests for directions, so they hope that they're on their way. At last, they make their way to the Detour clue and choose Labor, partly because it's closer. At this point, I suppose they don't have any time to waste sitting in stopped traffic.
Speaking of Labor, at the bricklaying, Peter decides that Lauren is standing between him and the example so that he can't see it, and he calls out, "Lauren! Lauren, you need to move! Please!" And he does not do it, shall we say, in a relaxed fashion. That is not going to make you any friends. Tyler and James, on the other hand, are doing just fine, and they're on their way. The clue tells them to take a taxi to the pit stop, which is located at Juyoungguan, a spot Phil describes as "one of the gateways to the Great Wall of China." But to get to the pit stop, you will have to use a rope to scale a big wall. Last team to check in "may" be eliminated.
Tyler and James share the obligatory high five, and then they bolt, but their excitement takes a hit when they immediately run into trouble locating a taxi. Peter and Sarah are done , and he's noisy and obnoxious the whole time. He also seems committed to wearing sunglasses on top of his head the entire time, which I completely hate. As they're leaving, Karlyn (I believe) is grumbling, "He tries to micromanage so much. They can kiss my behind." See, I agree with the first part, but I think the second part should be "he can kiss my behind." I don't see much problem with her, really, although I'm sympathetic to finding him controlling and Intenseâ¢. Peter and Sarah run into James and Tyler on the way out, and that all happens at the same time that Dustin and Kandice are arriving. Of course, the obligatory interview occurs in which Kandice says she thinks Tyler and James are cute. That is about as gratuitous as Melanie Griffith vacuuming topless in Working Girl. It's not technically, legally necessary for the blondes to comment on the male models just because they're all here.
Brick update! Lyn and Karlyn are still working, but Duke and Lauren are done. Dustin and Kandice seem to get hip to the border stones immediately. As Peter and Sarah go for a cab and are begging to get in, she indicates her leg and says "It's an emergency," which I generally do not approve of. Accommodations, yes. Fake emergencies, no. The complicating factor is the hydraulic leak, of course, which I'm sure makes her want to run around as little as possible. She's basically analogous to a person with a natural leg who twists her knee. I don't think having an artificial leg is an emergency, but having one that's not working properly wouldn't entirely not qualify, you know? I do hope it's not going to become a pattern. Sarah does say in an interview that they're trying to preserve whatever fluid is left and slow down the leak, so maybe... only half a demerit for "Emergency." But I'm watching you. Don't be telling gate agents you're going to see the doctor-o, lady.
Duke and Lauren, it seems, get a cab before Tyler and James, who have seriously had issues with the cab-finding portion of today's challenge. I'm not sure whether this is a long ride, or a short ride, or a ride to a bad location, or a shift change for the drivers or what, but Peter and Sarah kind of had to pressure their guy, and now James and Tyler can't get one, and Duke and Lauren seemed to be getting into a fancier vehicle, almost like a town car, so something seems to be up with the cab-getting.
David and Mary arrive at Labor and start to work. Elsewhere, Tyler and James finally, finally get their cab. They're pretty pissed off about falling several places in the standings, though, and I can't really blame them. As Rob and Kimberly get to Labor-ing, Karlyn and Lyn are finally finishing up. They leave in fourth place for the pit stop. They even offer some kind words to other teams as they leave, which seems like a nice thing to do. Dustin and Kandice finish , and they do seem to have done a good job with that task, all things considered.
At Labor, Kimberly is trying to get Rob to understand that there's something weird about the way they're doing the bricks. (Which is, of course, that they're not putting down the border stones first.) She wants him to stop and figure out why the number of bricks doesn't seem right. He interviews that "99.9 percent of the time" he's "in love with this relationship," but "the one percentage that [he's] not" happens when they "take tones with each other." I can see why he's no good at the bricks, since precision is clearly not his strong suit. On the other hand, I don't know how he would leave a relationship that exceeds 100 percent. It's like his relationship goes to eleven. Finally, they spot David carrying stones over to where he and Mary are working so that they can put them around the border. "Oh, babe, that's what it is," Kimberly says. She starts hauling stones over, and in fact tosses a couple in haste and breaks them, which of course he yells at her for. He is on the List. It's amazing what a short List it is, though.
In the pedicabs on the way to the Leisure option, Jamie and Kellie are doing a simple clapping pattern with "Let's go," which Tom and Terry -- right behind them -- join in. I think it's sort of cute, not that I'd want to hang around it all day. Finally, they all arrive and pile out of their pedicabs. They run over and try to get started. There's a lot of swaying and arm movements, but there's also a fair amount of deft handling with the paddle and the ball, which doesn't seem to be easy. I'm not sure I'd be coordinated enough for this, frankly. I'm hardly good enough for regular ping-pong. (I recognize the beauty of relaxation exercises! I am teasing! Do not email me!)
Erwin and Godwin arrive at the Labor task. They go for the border stones, but Erwin decides to take them from the big stack to David, clearly not realizing that David dragged those over from across the whole section. David makes a funny sort of "up-up-up" noise, and Erwin says, "This isn't a community pile? I knew that!", and he good-naturedly puts the stones down and goes to get more. I would point out that this is exactly why I hate it when people say, "Of course I was an asshole, but I'm trying to win!" David got those stones back just as effectively as if he had yelled or snapped, and he was pleasant, and he was polite, and Erwin was the same in return. It was a misunderstanding, and they successfully treated it as such on both sides. Well done, both of you.
Tom and Terry and Kellie and Jamie battle the requirements of the ball-and-paddle routine. For cheerleaders, Jamie and Kellie seem to find it surprisingly difficult. Meanwhile, Vipul and Arti finally -- finally! -- arrive at the Labor task and start to work.
Peter and Sarah's cab. He is giving her a pep talk, which... it's hard to say, because they train together, and maybe she likes this. I certainly wouldn't. In an interview, she says, "Peter could be the great love of my life. If we don't risk our hearts a little bit, we're never going to know if perhaps there's a greater love here." Call me crazy, but I think there's something missing from that quote. That sounded to me for all the world like she said something more like, "Peter could be the great love of my life, or he might not. But if we don't blah blah blah... " The "if we don't risk our hearts" sounds like an acknowledgment that she doesn't know what's going to happen, and I wish they'd shown more of that, because I think she's a little less head-in-the-clouds than she looks in this clip. But enough talk of love -- it's time to concentrate on the fact that Duke and Lauren pass Peter and Sarah on the way to the pit stop. They're so excited that Duke grabs Lauren's face and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Aw. Duke tells us that he's "learning a lot more about Lauren." He starts with "she's very athletic," which if we're doing the "things I never would have guessed about my gay daughter based on my preconceived notions and stereotypes" speech, is a little bit accidentally funny. He adds that she's "very determined," and that she's "a hell of a teammate." He and Lauren are looking around for the right place, though, so we move to check in on Peter and Sarah, who are also at the wall. However, they go to the wrong entrance, and quite tragically for her leaking leg, I'm sure, he leads her up a long, long set of stairs, which she has to take in a sort of unnatural galloping motion, using the handrail, while he holds her pack. That does not look comfortable.
Tyler and James approach the wall, and they run into Duke and Lauren. These teams run toward the ropes together.
"Sarah, you are my girl," Peter keeps repeating as they run around what ultimately proves to be... not where they were supposed to go. He takes her up more stairs, prattling the entire time about how she's an All-American, she's world-class blah blah, and it's like dude, stop flapping your yap and make sure you know where you're going. I would trade 100 motivational lectures for one time that he didn't make me go up a honkload of steps unnecessarily. The best motivator is someone competent, I personally believe.
Tyler starts up the rope first, as James basically interviews that he's happy to be able to rely on Tyler, not just as a stud, but as a dude. Dude! My favorite part is where Tyler says, "I'm not using any of the loops." See, the rope has these loops on it that are designed for you to put your feet and your hands in as you climb up. But he looks at it and figures he'll just pull himself up the rope. Looks easy, right? Yeah. I heard a lot of people say the same thing this week, and I think they'd have had the same experience he does, which is that he starts to do it and is like, "Uh, never mind. I'll be using the loops, then." Sarah shows up and gets on the rope around the same time as Duke, and Peter instructs her that she knows how to do it, which... I kind of doubt. She's also got the curved running foot on, and I suspect putting the other one on is probably too time-consuming to do in the middle of the leg. Considering that Tyler immediately discovered it was basically impossible to do this without putting your feet in the loops, and that everyone is also carefully using the friction of their feet against the wall to control their movement, I have no idea what Sarah's going to do with that foot, which basically can't be used with the loops to pull yourself up and won't do anything but scrape against the wall, since it has no traction and no toes. Basically, what you have is a girl who has to do this with one foot that works and one leg that can't be used. On the other hand, she did get to pre-board. She starts to worry that the wall-climbing won't be possible: "I can't do it, babe, I just can't find a foothold." Not only that, but as she moves around on the rope, she's clearly concerned about twisting the foot or damaging it, I think. "I can't do it," she says again before we go to commercials.
Commercials.
When we come back, they repeat her statement earlier, "I can't do it, babe, I just can't find a foothold." But then Peter, who drives me nuts, does seem to give her some useful advice, which is to get herself so that she has loops that her right foot can use. She puts her right foot in a loop and pulls up. He tells her that all she has to do is keep doing that.
Tyler and James finish and run to the mat. Welcome, Tyler and James, you are team number one. And you win $20,000. Congratulations! Nice catch on the paving stones, you know? Tyler says that it shows a lot of "character" to finish this, and they've been through a lot together, and this "entails" (not what he means) the amount of drive that you have. I'm not sure I want to hear a lot of lectures about character, but they certainly earned their victory.
Lauren is watching Duke struggle up the rope. "I know he's trying so hard," she sniffles. This is clearly very moving for her. "I never thought that we'd do anything like this together," she says, and boy, I suspect that's quite true. "I'm so proud of you!" she calls up to him. Yow. Put that together with the "disappointment" in the opening bit, and it's pretty powerful. When he's done, Lauren starts up the rope.
Sarah is now about halfway up. She's talking to herself about "find your power" and so forth, and then she lifts up again. And then we see her at the last loop, and Peter freaks out with excitement when she finally hoists herself up. She's crying at the top, and for me, that pretty much does in the theories that were emailed to me this week that she was hoisted up on a crane or something. That's not the face, I don't think, of a girl who just had to be lifted because she couldn't finish.
Lauren gets to the top, and she and her dad run to the mat. Welcome, you are team number two. A good showing for a parent-child team. Lauren says it's a great chance for them to "bond and put [their] differences aside." Peter gets to the top, and he and Sarah run over to the mat. Welcome, you are team number three. So glad we got here without a lot of yap-yap-yap about making a statement; she just fucking went up the rope. That's the statement.
David and Mary, Rob and Kimberly, Vipul and Arti, and the *wins are still working on the Labor task. David and Mary are bickering now, with her telling him to "stop questioning" her, and "stop disagreeing," which is kind of... interesting. Fortunately, they get done before it gets too ugly, and they get the pit stop clue in sixth place.
Dustin and Kandice begin the climb up the wall.
Rob and Kimberly leave Labor in seventh place. As David and Mary get their cab, they repeatedly thank the locals who helped them out -- Mary is using her "xie xie" call, but David just keeps saying, "Thank y'all. Thank all y'all." Hee. It's good to mix it up. I really wanted someone to stop them and say, "Forrest Gump!"
At the wall, Lyn observes, "I've not really been climbing before. Karlyn starts up the wall. "I can't," she says almost immediately. "It's too hard," she adds. "I can't do it."
Vipul and Arti and the *wins are slugging it out at the Labor task. Vipul and Arti seem to be having some kind of problem with the pattern of the stones, at least at the moment.
And then we pay a visit to Leisure, where Terry and Tom are completing the routine. There appears to be a cheat at the end in which Tom catches with his paddle instead of his hand, but it's not unusual, after all, for people to be given a break on things like that. "We didn't get ours," Jamie observes, and Kellie adds, "The gay guys beat us." That's a very perilous way to talk, but I didn't see any malice in it coming from them. Tom and Terry leave for the pit stop in eighth place.
Welcome, Dustin and Kandice. You are team number four. If team number three is unable to perform its duties for any reason... well, you know the rest.
Kellie and Jamie finish the Leisure dance, and as they receive their pit stop clue, they say in perfect unison, "Thank you so much!" Hee. In David and Mary's cab, she's all excited about seeing the Great Wall. "See it?" He says. "We're gonna rappel it and zip it or something." Zipping the Great Wall of China does sound kind of cool.
At the wall, Karlyn says, "It's too hard. I can't -- how do you even get started?"
The *wins finish up Labor. Vipul (of the People!) is having difficulty getting the bricks to fit. "Good luck, Team Karma!" call the *wins as they're leaving. Turns out that Rob and Kimberly are still looking for a taxi, so they win up behind the *wins on the way to the pit stop, despite finishing the bricks first. My favorite part: In the cab, Kimberly says to the driver, "The Great Wall." And then she adds, "The Great Wall of China." It would have been awesome if he had screeched the brakes and turned around 180 degrees at that moment and slapped his forehead. "Oh, the Great Wall of China." At any rate, the Pointies wind up following the *wins at the *wins' invitation.
David and Mary run into Terry and Tom heading for the rope climb. Karlyn still has made no progress up the wall. "It's too hard," she says again. As David and Tom start climbing, Mary comments to David that if it's hard for him, she can't imagine what it's going to be like for her. Tom, on the other hand, is getting very dramatic on the rope, hanging practically sideways and yelping. Karlyn? Still getting nowhere.
Finally, Vipul and Arti finish with the bricks. Unfortunately, all of their instructions that their driver seems to understand is the word "wall," which is not very precise when it comes to this particular wall.
Terry suggests to Tom that he needs to be vertical, not lying down horizontally. "I don't know if I can do this," Tom says. Meanwhile, Mary tells David not to panic. Karlyn says once again that she can't do it. She has certainly declared that she can't do it enough times at this point; she's done it about three times as much as Sarah who only has the one leg, so maybe a little less defeatism and a little more climbing the rope.
Commercials.
What eventually works for Karlyn seems to be reaching down and looping a loop around her foot with her hand, and then lifting herself up with that leg. Hey, whatever works, lady. Good for her for keeping at it. That clearly took her a very long time, so all props to her for finally getting it done. Terry continues telling Tom to stand up straight and stop freaking out. David is trying to tell Mary all the things he's figuring out, like how important it is to keep your foot in the loop. She tells him not to tell her what to do right now; just focus on getting up the wall.
Here come Rob and Kimberly to the bottom of the wall. She goes up first, alongside Godwin. "Not as easy as it looks, Erwin," Godwin remarks. "Your girl's got game," Erwin says to Rob at the bottom as Kimberly makes her way up the wall. Kellie and Jamie reach the wall as well.
Vipul and Arti, meanwhile, are still in the cab. Boo!
David has now finished the wall, and he's telling Mary about the advice he wants to give her. He tells her to use her legs on the way up. She doesn't want advice as she's doing it, though, and she tells him firmly to shut up, emphasizing that she's completely serious. Heh. "I'm trying to help you," he says. "Sit down and shut up, that's how you'll help me," she says. "Okay, you go ahead," he says. It's so funny how everyone wants different things, you know? Peter talks to Sarah constantly, and it doesn't seem to bother her, but Mary doesn't want to be talked to. I think that for Mary, the talking sounds like criticism, and she already doubts herself, while Sarah is more used to processing the constant chatter as coaching. Or else Sarah has learned to completely zone out and forget Peter is talking at her, which I could also believe. Maybe she's like a dog, and she's learned to not hear the Peter frequency while she's working.
Karlyn, to her credit, finally figured out how to climb the thing and has gotten herself to the top. "I hope my daughter sees this," she says, fanning herself and crying. Heh. Tom finishes, too, and Terry is very excited for him. And probably very glad he didn't fall off headfirst and kill himself. More climbing for Rob and Kimberly, Erwin and Godwin, and Kellie and Jamie. Rob and Kimberly are team number five, Kellie and Jamie are team number six, and... Vipul and Arti are still in the cab. Boo! Erwin and Godwin are team number seven, which is pretty good considering what a horrible job they did during much of this episode. Terry and Tom ham up the jump onto the mat (sigh), and they are team number eight.
David continues to try to encourage Mary, which continues to be... not to Mary's liking. Time to stop talking, dude. Lyn climbs. Mary chants to herself that she can do it.
Vipul and Arti are still in the cab. Boo! She says she's having a lot of emotions. I bet all of them are rage. She seems like the explosively angry type, doesn't she?
Karlyn tells Lyn that climbing the rope "can't be any worse than childbirth." Heh. It's interesting -- Lyn is the bigger lady, but you can see that she had a significantly easier time getting up that rope than Karlyn did. She clearly had the leg strength to pull herself up without all that much trouble. When you see how many of these people were repeatedly told that the important thing was pushing yourself up with your legs, you can kind of see how it might have panicked Sarah at first.
Welcome, Lyn and Karlyn, you are team number nine. Lyn says she had to do this for herself and for her kids. I like them; I really hope this doesn't turn into a big ugly thing with Peter and Sarah just because Peter is such a weirdo.
"Dave, I'm sorry, I really am," Mary says with frustration, figuring that they've already lost. "Ah love you, honey," he says reassuringly. "Yeah, I'm sure," she says. Hee! You have to remember: she thinks they're eliminated. She doesn't know about Vipul and Arti, so for them, this is a conversation about whether he's mad at her for making them lose. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You're going to have the proudest kids in the world," he tells her, even though he thinks they lost, so that's a nice move from him. And as she finally finishes, he says, "I never thought she'd make it up here, but she did." Yes, she sure did. "Dave, I'm so sorry," she says as she gets to the very top. "You done great," he says. They run to the mat. David and Mary... you're team number ten. She's shocked. She swats Dave. "David, you told me I was last!" I bet he did, too. Mary is so happy she hugs Phil. And then she hugs the poor greeter, who does not look like this is what he was expecting. I don't know if I'd have pegged Mary as a hugger, but there she goes. She does hug Dave, too, and that hug looks pretty warm, not one of those "I secretly hate you" hugs we're all so accustomed to.
Vipul and Arti climb the wall. Dammit. Vipul and Arti, you are the last team to arrive. And you are eliminated. The thing is, it was a sad elimination, but I didn't really want to punch much of anybody. I would have been sad at almost anyone being eliminated. I mean, yes, Rob and Kimberly are going to have those fights we're all tired of, and water guns were not a good idea, and apparently Kellie and Jamie are occasionally not going to know things they should know, and I don't want a lot of "Emergency!" all season, and Peter's a little skeevy, and I hope Karlyn doesn't spend the entire trip worrying that the girl with the artificial leg is getting away with something. But for the most part, these seem like decent and likable people, and I wasn't hollering to get rid of anyone. That's a huge change in the feel of the first episode.
Vipul and Arti say that they had a great time. She allows that their experience was "short," but she says it still was -- wait for it -- "amazing." Basically, their post-race interview consists of them telling us that they still like each other just as much as they thought. Which is cute. Farewell, nice people. I wish you could have stayed longer.
week: somebody gets dragged by a horse. Hooray!