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Horns of Plenty Patriotic are not merely blown but overblown as we gaze at adoringly composed shots of New York City, thinking about how fortunate we all are to live in a country where you can drive an SUV that requires you to have your own designated refinery and still feel good about yourself. Look, there's the Statue of Liberty! As the HOPPs really get cranking, the voice of Phil "Don't Blame Me; I Wanted An All-New-Zealand Edition" Keoghan announces, "This is New York City." And that comes after the shot of the Statue of Liberty, so...thanks. This is going to be better than Weekly Reader. Phil goes on to explain that New York is a "beacon of freedom and cultural diversity," which is mostly true, as long as you're not talking about the freedom to move slowly on the sidewalk. Phil's tiny form is at the base of the statue as he explains that this is the city from which ten family teams will take off for something that is kind of, but not really, an edition of The Amazing Race. The most apt comparison I've heard so far is College Jeopardy!, where as long as you know they're going to go back to the regular one at some point, the watered-down version is something you can adjust to. Anyway, Phil does not say that they're going on a "racearoundtheworld," just a "race for one million dollars," so...make of that what you will. I guess they couldn't very well just call it a "race...around."
We get a look at five yellow boats carrying the teams to Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn, and now it is time to meet the 40 freaking people of whom I am expected to keep track this season, because identical twins apparently were not enough of a challenge. I'm not sure when I started taking the casting as a hostile act, but there you go.
First up, The Gaghan Family. This group includes dad Bill, mom Tammy, son Billy, and daughter Carissa, who is instantly television's most controversial blonde since Deborah Norville. Tammy and Bill are marathon runners, and the kids run 5Ks. Tammy points out that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile, and asks, "What adult out there can run a seven-minute mile?" She's exaggerating, obviously, because a seven-minute mile is hardly unheard of among adults, but her point is taken, in that those are teeny legs to be able to run at a very respectable speed. I like the fact that they show the Gaghans hurling water balloons at each other, because I like any Family Fun Day in which somebody could actually get hurt. Carissa vows that she will run faster than the adults on the race, and Billy says he and Carissa will "work as a team spying on the other teams." He's been reading a little bit too much Encyclopedia Brown, I'd say, but all right. "I might be small," Carissa announces, "but I am not ssssstupid." Right there is your dividing line -- plenty of people found that perfectly dreadful, but it made me laugh out loud, and I laugh out loud every time I see it. I instantly see her twenty years in the future as some kind of really neat lady, snorting at this video of herself and imitating her own little precocious voice. "I can trick any adult that's trying to trick me," she insists. I have a feeling she is not an easy child from whom to hide the birthday presents.