Previously on various reality shows: Rob and Amber met, and they formed an alliance, and then they started making out. And then he proposed, and she said yes, and then she won, and then they went away for a while. But they came back to The Amazing Race, where they came very close to winning another million dollars and guaranteeing that no one else would ever talk about anything else ever again. So why not put their wedding on television? I mean, really. You've basically seen everything but their exposed colons at this point, so why hold out on the good stuff? And while we're at it, why not start with a really interminable introductory sequence that looks like it came from a commercial for a Mexican soap opera? I do want to give mighty props, however, to whomever came up with the title Rob And Amber Get Married. Marketing geniuses, I tell you. If they'd named it something like The Survivo-Race Wedding, it would have taken on an oddly unsettling quality, like it's the beginning of a plot to achieve world domination.
We first find our engaged Surviv-o-racers holding hands in a helicopter as it swoops over some brilliant-looking blue water and white sand. There is much giddy smiling. We finally learn that they are visiting the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas. ["I just saw an ad for the Atlantis while watching a vintage episode of Newlywed Game on the G yesterday (shut up), and…why would you want to go on vacation to a resort named after a civilization that sank into the sea? It's like naming your prop plane 'The Challenger.'" -- Sars] They touch down and exit the helicopter, and are greeted by Colin Cowie, who is resplendent in his bright blue button-down shirt and white pants and looks every bit the island-paradise-based wedding planner that he currently is. Amber interviews that she was thrilled to see him, as he is "Oprah's party planner" and everything. I wouldn't have known that, incidentally. Nor would I have cared, because Oprah lost me somewhere around the part where she started jumping up and down so much. Colin certainly gives off the vibe of being someone's planner of something, though, no matter how little Us Weekly I generally get a chance to read. Rob interviews that his first impression of Colin was, "Colin and I probably wouldn't be going to the same bar." Wait, is that an explosion of wit regarding Colin's possible sexual orientation? Oh, it must be, because of the way Rob adds, "if you know what I mean." Oh, well, now I do. It's nice they could open with one of those moments when he's particularly tooly, just in case you forgot that those moments are not exactly rare. Colin gives them a blustery opening about all the big-time weddings he's planned, and promises that theirs will be "the best." I'm sure all the people whose weddings he planned in the past are happy to know he was holding out on them. He also says that they have four weeks to plan the wedding, which seems like kind of an artificial, reality-show-ish construct, but I suppose there has to be something to make it more suspenseful, or it would just be a lot of eating and tension, and if we wanted that, we'd just be watching Hell's Kitchen.
Colin takes them off to start working on the wedding, but first, he tells them that between now and the wedding, they're supposed to come up with "a couple of surprises" for each other. Rob interviews that when Colin told him that he was supposed to touch Amber's heart and make her cry, he figured Colin was "out of his mind." But in an attempt to prove his sanity, Colin tells them that this is a part of his quest to incorporate the "JDM," or "jaw-dropping moment." And right there, I kind of want to give Colin a JSM, or "jaw-shattering moment." Because...shut up. He's making it sound like the part where they give each other something special is just there to make the spectacle more stunning, which is kind of the opposite philosophy of weddings from the one I have, so…perhaps I am not destined to make use of the world's most awesome wedding planners. Who knew?
Rob and Amber and Colin have a seat and start talking about plans. Colin asks how many people they're planning to have, and they say they're looking at 500. Colin dismissively puts the kibosh on this, telling them that the bigger the wedding, "the bigger the production." He also refuses to go along with Rob's laughing insistence that bigger is always better. Or, as Rob says it, "bettah." Colin wants them to keep it somewhere south of 300 people. And how can you argue, really? I mean, it totally makes sense to let your wedding planner declare unilaterally that you will exclude half the people you wanted present for your wedding in order to make the production less complicated. "Dear So-and-So: I would have loved for you to share my special day, but it would have made cake-serving much more complicated. Don't feel obligated to spend too much on my gift!" I'd rather have the 500 guests and pare down the production, Colin. You can see why my wedding would probably involve box lunches.
Colin asks about possible wedding colors, and Amber wants to go with ocean tones, like teals and greens and blues. Colin says this is great, because these colors are big in fashion, as well. That's so super! The fashion world approves of the colors found in nature. What a relief. Clashing would be so unfortunate, and it would have been a big pain if they'd had to dye the whole ocean. They'd have to cut even more people off the guest list! And then Colin really kind of loses me when he gives an interview in which he vows that the wedding is sure to be "fab-u-lous," complete with...snapping. It's so unfortunate to be a caricature of yourself, you know? Just ask...well, actually, ask Rob. He's right there. Anyway, for music, Amber talks about steel drums or a Bahamian choir. Colin's like, "I love the idea of the choir!" You can tell Colin is one of those people who wants you to do what he wants while believing it's what you want, and I don't warm to that kind of "service." Rob begins to look extra-bored when Colin and Amber get into the matter of bridesmaids' dresses, which...I don't blame him. It's not an inherently thrilling area of inquiry. I've worn them. I know.
The long and the short of it is that Rob is totally left in the weeds until Colin brings up the food, at which point he hops to attention. "The food needs to be unbelievable, 'cause everybody in my family's a critic," Rob says. He also interviews that he started thinking about wedding food "about an hour after [he] proposed." Right around the time he started envisioning this very special TV event, I think it's safe to say. Rob tells Colin that he's all about steak and lobster, and Colin acts unimpressed. Colin interviews that his reaction was, "Oh, my God, we're not going to be doing surf and turf at this wedding." He doesn't say why not. Maybe it's tacky. Or maybe Rob should have used bigger words. Rob also mentions burgers, "pigs on a spit" (hee), and sausage and peppers. I think what Rob actually wants is a street-fair wedding. I can imagine worse. Colin clearly knows that this sort of food will make the wedding Common (horrors!), so he stares at Rob blankly. Amber interviews that she thinks Rob planned to have every food he's ever eaten present at their wedding, and she tries to get him to chill out a little. I think she should have asked Rob if he wanted to serve each guest four pounds of meat. That would have been hilarious. Well, to me.
Having chatted up the food adequately, Rob and Amber and Colin speed off in a little golf cart to scope out the reception site. They like the site, but the really big news is that Rob is driving, and almost manages to get everyone killed. It occurs to me that while I wouldn't want him for my actual boyfriend, I think I'd enjoy having him as my friend's boyfriend. Although none of my friends would have him, which might be a problem. ["I'd take that bullet for you, but given the recap I'm interrupting, it's a little late, probably." -- Sars] Interestingly, as they continue wandering, Rob suddenly interviews that he really likes the fact that Colin seems "in tune" with the kind of wedding he and Amber want. It's related to what I was thinking about Colin, in the sense that it's the opposite of what I was thinking, which was that Colin is rejecting the kind of wedding Rob and Amber want. But that's not important right now, because Colin takes them to a stretch of beach that they happily accept as a wedding site, with Amber commenting that after all, they met and fell in love on a beach in the first place, so it makes sense they'd get married there. I can think of so very many people who would not want to follow that philosophy. Although if they did, a lot more weddings would take place in bars, and that could only be good. Rob also thinks it would be grand to ride a jet ski up onto the beach at the wedding. Amber thinks maybe not. She is such a stick in the mud, not wanting him to break his collarbone during the processional. But she's generally feeling "like a bride," adding, "It's not a dream anymore. It's coming true." Aw.
Oh, yeah. There's going to be a little "aw." You should get ready now. It's a wedding. It has "aw." Shut up.
But first, there's going to be a visit to Amber's hometown of Beaver (tee hee), Pennsylvania. Do you suppose they're tired of the jokes yet? I bet not. I bet they cannot get enough beaver jokes there in Beaver, Pennsylvania. As it turns out, Rob and Amber are driving into town for a visit because Amber is having her dress designed by a woman named Arlette, a friend of the family, which is pretty cool. You've got to think a lot of people wanted to make Amber's dress, and the fact that she went with a hometown lady speaks well of her, I think. It turns out that Arlette is Amber's mom's best friend and has known Amber her entire life. My mother doesn't have any dressmaking best friends, but if she did, this is what I'd like to think I would do. Colin interviews with some obvious trepidation that he's never worked with anyone quite like Arlette before, and this is a good time for Colin to suck it, I think. If Amber wants Arlette, I say her wedding planner can bite down on his elitist tut-tutting long enough for them to her to have the dress she wants.
But we have to put the dress aside for now, because for the moment, we are at Amber's house, where the couple is turning to the guest list, which is in need of cutting on wedding planner's orders, yuck. Amber's idea is to cut all the "and guest" designations, at which Rob bristles, but Amber interviews that "there is only so much room in the Bahamas." Good one! Keep going down that road. Rob interviews that he really wants people to be able to bring guests if they want, and it occurs to me that what's driving Rob is the thought of telling his buddies to come down to the Bahamas, but not letting them bring a hot girl to have the awesome sex with in the Bahamas after the reception. They banter about the fact that Rob is convinced that the reason Amber doesn't want his friends to bring dates is that if they do, they won't be available to hook up with her single friends. See? I told you. Rob basically agrees with me, in the end, that he'll cut people if he has to, but he won't be happy if they get married and can't have their family and friends there. Can you believe that? I think he likes people more than cake. That bastard.
, we find ourselves at the preparations for Amber's bridal shower, and while she's getting ready, Rob explains that he and Amber's brothers are going ATV-riding. He acknowledges that he may be "fashionably late" making his appearance at the shower, but he'll get there. Four-wheeling ensues. Woooo! Meanwhile, Amber welcomes a bunch of women to a restaurant for her very chic bridal shower. We cut back and forth between the refined women and the hard-scrabbling men, and isn't that just the way it always goes? I *heart* stereotypes. When Amber decides she's waited as long as she cares to for him to show up, she starts calling Rob on his phone, but he's not answering, because he and Amber's brothers have gotten stuck in the snow -- or so we are led to believe. More likely, it's just taking longer than he expected to get in, but the stuck-in-the-snow footage looks more dramatic. But either way, Amber is fretting prettily that he won't be at the shower for the gift-giving the way they'd planned. She starts to open gifts without him as he gets towed out of the snow, and you can tell she's not happy, even before she tells you she's not. Rob finally gets back and changes his clothes, admitting he's "a little bit running behind." The thing you know, he's heading into the house with a dozen pink roses, which he refers to as his "insurance policy." Bleh. Flowers are awesome -- seriously, they are, at least to me, and I am That Girl through and through. But the least you can do is not be all smug about it, because...talk about ruining the effect.
Aaaanyway. Rob shows up at the shower, and when he gives her the flowers, it seems like part of the reason it's a nice gesture is that he's kind of shown her up, in part, and embarrassed her in front of her friends by not showing when he said he would. So a nice paws-up move like that gives her a little of her pride back, as revolting as that sort of is. Plus, it's flowers, and that can't be bad. Amber introduces Rob to the crowd, a little sheepishly even, and everyone applauds, because anyone who hasn't met him has certainly seen him on television. She explains in an interview that she knew just what he was up to with giving her flowers to make up for being late. Heh. "The charm worked," she admits. At least she's self-aware about it. It's the ones where you don't know you're doing it. That's how you get yourself in trouble.
Rob and Amber take off for Boston now, a trip Rob predicts will not "go as easy." They make their way to some house or another in Boston, where Amber asks Rob whether he feels like going dancing, and he tells her he doesn't. It turns out it's not a real question, because she thinks they should take some lessons. "We're not taking dancing lessons," he mutters. "Why not?" she asks with a smile, and he chuckles, "There's going to be a fight if we're taking dancing lessons." Girls like dancing and flowers! Boys like cars and glowering! Some rules are absolutes! Anyway, Amber says that they should just see if he needs lessons, so by way of a test, he pulls her in and starts with the disorganized swaying. Which is awesome, and which I could do all day if it were me, but...did I mention disorganized? She starts asking what would happen if she wanted to dance faster, and clearly, that's dumb, because she should only be worrying about the one where everyone's going to be watching, and that will be a slow song. He would have been fine in a first-dance situation, meaning that I declare this a waste of time. In fact, when she asks about something faster, he says, "Then go dance with your friends." Mm-hmm. This may not be the hill she wants to die on, really. Amber tries to convince Rob to want to learn to dance, but Rob has an unlimited supply of "I don't care," as it turns out. And then there's a brilliant moment where she asks him why, when they were "on the island," he told her he wanted to learn to dance. He cops to the fact that this was a line. She is shocked! Oh, Amber. Come on. Ultimately, though, Rob unhappily agrees that if it's important to her, he'll do the dancing thing. He explains in an interview that for their wedding day, he figures he can swing doing what she wants.
And indeed, the thing you know, they're showing up at a dance studio called, rather remarkably, Supershag. Yes, indeed. Super. Shag. Rob interviews that he sort of wanted to flee instantly, an instinct I understand, given that carefully planned dancing tends to look overly rehearsed and cheesy, I think, when you're not used to it. There's a great moment when Rob tells Amber, "It's a little too…," and then he does an arm flourish. Snerk. She assures him, "You don't have to go like this," and repeats the gesture with a laugh. As they dance, it becomes clear that he's pretty irreversibly terrible at it, but he makes her laugh, which is what really matters. He also accuses her shoes of being too pointy, for one thing, which I love. I would be more than tempted to tell him to get on topic. And then Rob says the instructor was "like Nurse Cratchet [sic]," which I can only assume meant that she didn't have a Christmas goose for the psych ward. At the end of the lesson, the instructor breaks it to them that they'll have to come back for another lesson. "No," Rob flatly declares. "Amber?" the instructor asks sweetly, going over his head. Oh, how wonderfully Andy Capp.
Later, Rob heads into town to meet some of his friends at a bar. He's working the backwards baseball cap like the Chipster that he is, and when he gets there, he takes a predictable round of crap from these guys about going to a dance lesson. Rob then changes the subject in an interview, telling us that what these guys don't know yet is that he's bringing them all down to Florida to help with his surprise for Amber. He explains this to them, saying that his father just built a new house, and he and Amber are going to be allowed to move into it, which Amber apparently doesn't know yet. The issue is that the house is totally unfurnished, so his surprise is to furnish it, and that's what he wants their help with. When he mentions that he also has a whole lot of other things to do this week, his buddies figure out in about four seconds that he's going to make them do all the work while he goes and takes care of those other things. When he tells them that he's going shopping for wedding clothes with Colin Cowie, all the guys are like, "Who? Who?", and I'd really like to tell you I didn't laugh when one of them said, "Richard Simmons? Who?", but I did. Kill me -- I like a Richard Simmons joke exactly once a year. Anyway, Rob tells them that they can have a good time, but it's also a serious thing for Amber. The guys agree to go, and then you know what? I do believe they're drinking exactly the same red shots of which he gave me one at TARcon 7.
Now, we watch as Amber and her sister Nicole set out on their quest to get a surprise for Rob. They are visiting the studio of one Giovanni de Cunto, whose work it turns out Rob once admired in a bar. And it turns out that Giovanni has done a painting of the Red Sox. So, of course, Amber had to have it. She also says she has another idea regarding the painting, which won't be easy, but will be great if it works. Suspense!
In New York, it's raining, and Rob explains that he's there to meet "CC" (hee) and go shopping for clothes. CC gets Rob out of his cab, and the two of them head out. CC tries to show Rob some jackets, but Rob explains that Amber doesn't want jackets, and that she even put that on the invitation, so he doesn't really want a jacket for himself. Apparently, CC doesn't like this, because Rob actually gets on the phone with Amber to discuss it with her. But when they get her on the phone (she's at Giovanni's), Rob actually hands Amber over to CC, who tells her about the planned outfit, including the jacket, and gets her unqualified approval. Rob gives an interview in which he declares that he likes CC, though not in a homosexual way. "He's all right in my book," Rob says, which is a pretty big endorsement coming from him.
Elsewhere, Amber and Nicole take the painting out and strap it to their car to head off to Red Sox spring training, hoping to get the Red Sox to sign it. Because you know what you should do with an expensive and unique piece of art? Have people write on it. Awesome! Now, it will be a painting in oils and Sharpie. ["Well, it's a…baseball painting. It's one step up from 'Dogs Playing Poker' as it is. Given the choice, I'd want my velvet Johnny Damon signed." -- Sars] They take it off to be shipped, and the guy is a little flummoxed when Amber says she wants it there tomorrow. But he takes it nonetheless.
When we get back from commercials, the shipping guy is telling Amber that it should be there by 10:30 tomorrow morning, so that appears set. Meanwhile, Rob is out in L.A. with his brother Mike, explaining that before they can go to Florida to furnish the house, they need to go to this store and pick out the stuff for the house, because it's a store Amber loves. The stuff will then be shipped to Florida so that Rob's buddies can set up the house. Mike looks less than thrilled, but he's going along. When they get to the store, they head inside. Rob's first goal is to pick out the bed. It wouldn't be his choice, but he knows that Amber wants a canopy bed, so he's going for that. Aw. Mike takes an interest in a bearskin rug complete with attached head, but Rob comments that Amber would kill him. And...probably. He sits at a big coffee table and says that it seems like it would be a good place to "watch the game, or...maybe a romantic cawmedy." Rob clearly hates romantic comedies, which is what makes that wonderful. We watch him tear around picking out this and that, and then he heads over to a green...vase? Pot? I don't know. He says he doesn't know what it is (ha!), but "it definitely looks like something that somebody knew who was decorating would get." The saleslady laughs. He then claims an entire dining room, complete with rug, and you can kind of tell it's a big relief to him when he can swoop in and take a bunch of stuff at once like that. It's kind of like getting all your clothes from Garanimals. "Do you need a buffet table for the dining room?" the saleslady asks. Rob looks at Mike. "You know what a buffet table is?" he asks. Mike does not. I think it's one of those things where if you don't know you need one, you probably don't. Rob then manages to find some candles labeled "Amber," so he takes three dozen. It's good, because he needed something to goose his confidence. More typically, he picks up a large wooden basket with random round doodads in it, and he says earnestly, "I'd like to get this basket...full of balls." He keeps from cracking up, but just barely. He still is himself, in the end. He goes for one thing that the saleslady declares "too bachelor pad." He tells us that he really had no idea what he was doing, but spent about $40,000 or $50,000 on stuff for the house.
And now, we are in Fort Myers, Florida, where Amber and Nicole are unloading the painting for Operation Please Sign This. They initially scope out a spot right by the dugout inside the stadium, but predictably, they are chased out by security, since nobody else is going to be able to see past the enormous painting. They are forced to relocate to a position outside, as Amber insists that she's come way too far with the giant painting to fail in her mission now.
We flip over to the action in Pensacola, where Rob and Mike meet up with the Boston buddies to get started on the house. Work begins, as it must, with a beer. There's no menial task that can't be improved by an infusion of alcohol, after all, and besides, it greatly increases the possibilities of a hilarious nail-gun incident. As Rob explains it, once he gets the guys inside, they all suddenly have powerful thoughts about decorating and what colors to paint rooms and so forth. It's easy, of course, for them to say this when it's not their house. "Purple in the bathroom!" and so forth. Ultimately, they stop stalling and pile into a couple of vehicles to head for the hardware store before it closes. In the car, Rob admits to one of the guys that he's afraid everything they do, Amber will just want to do over. Don't worry, Rob, it's the creepily 1950s-era thought that counts! The guys head into the hardware store and start shopping, pausing to make goofy faces with the safety goggles and perform other critical functions. Rob pauses to look for something "beachy" to paint the family room, and for the bedroom, he'd like a "beige-ish reddish brown." He interviews that because the crew he brought is not composed of "Michelangelos or anything," the whole idea of having them paint the house made him a little nervous. Finally, the sales guy is ready to wrap up, and he says by way of confirmation, "We're going to do Firefly in the bedroom." Rob looks down at the yellow paint chip. "Can we call it something else?" he says uncomfortably. "Kick-Ass Yellow?" one of the guys suggests. So it is agreed that what the hardware store knows as Firefly will now be known as Kick-Ass Yellow. Heh.
Fort Myers. Amber isn't having great luck right out of the gate in her position outside the entrance to the spring training game, and she's beginning to fret that they won't get the job done. They spot David Ortiz, and they yell out to him, but...he doesn't stop. You know, he used to be a Twin. Maybe he's not fully thawed yet. By Ortiz and others, Amber is turned down, and turned down again.
After a commercial, we see Amber going down in flames again, but finally, she gets hold of Tim Wakefield, who signs the painting for her. She starts to get a little momentum and says that some of them were actually kind of jazzed to do it when they found out whom it was for. Trot Nixon, in particular, seems rather enthused about Rob. (For those of you who are not baseball people, that's a real guy. His name is both "Trot" and "Nixon." It's a rough life.) Of course, this is unlikely to make you think better of Rob so much as less of Trot Nixon. If that's possible. And there's Bronson Arroyo, and Jason Varitek, and -- of course -- Johnny Damon, who was probably told by Red Sox PR to get his hairy hide out there before Amber had to go home without his autograph. As Amber and Nicole take off with their prize strapped to the car, Amber says that she had fun doing the autograph thing, but now she's running horribly behind schedule again, because it was so time-consuming.
In Pensacola, Rob's team has slept the night away on the floor of the unfurnished house, and they're just waking up. Just as they're rolling out of their sleeping bags, there is a ring at the doorbell, which turns out to be the furniture arriving, even a little ahead of schedule. The guys start to move the boxed furniture into the house -- no small feat -- and Rob pauses a few times to question the color of what has arrived as opposed to what he thought he was getting. And, of course, one of them observes that the outside of the box says, as he pronounces it, "Fra-gi-lay," to which Rob replies, "Must be Italian." Aw, a Christmas Story reference. So endearing. Don't you want to trust him now? Give him your wallet? He won't take anything, really.
The boys start out their work on the house with some painting, and they crack on each other for their inadequate skills in this area, but ultimately, Rob interviews that the guys are all working hard, because it's for Amber, after all. But soon, Rob takes off himself, telling Mike to keep the guys in line while he's gone. In short, just as they all knew he would, Rob is abandoning ship. He gives hand-slaps all around, even stopping to tell one guy working on his knees to get hold of some kneepads. Because Rob is a caring and loving person, and as soon as he's gone, it's time for another beer break. It's the same thing I do when my friends leave a room, in fairness.
As Amber prepares to fly off to somewhere with her luggage, she gets a call on her cell phone from Arlette, who explains to us that she was nervous about the fact that Amber hadn't been back since they bought the fabric, and hadn't tried on the preliminary mock-up of the dress at all. She tells Amber on the phone that she needs her in Beaver (tee hee) for a fitting before she actually does the stitching. Amber hangs up unhappily, forced to cram one more thing into her schedule. Shortly thereafter, we see Amber and Rob meet up at the Fort Lauderdale airport on their way down to the Bahamas for the food tasting. They have a smooch, and they get onto their little plane. She asks him if he's excited about going, and he says that he's tired. She tries to get him to rally by reminding him that he gets to eat, and that does brighten him up somewhat. They land in the Bahamas and head for the resort. Meanwhile, CC is setting up their tasting. "I'm excited to see what Colin's going to be wearing," Rob offers in the back of their car. Amber laughs. Colin insists that before they leave, they'll have mastered their menu options. When Rob and Amber get to the tasting, Amber and CC hug extravagantly. Rob and Colin slap-hug like men. Rob immediately admires CC's sandals, which are the same color as his shirt. I have to say that as much as the "gay men dress hilarious" thing is pretty stupid at this point, CC isn't helping move us along by owning flip-flops where his shirt is that exact a match for the foot thingy.
CC introduces Rob and Amber to the very tall chef who will be overseeing the food at their wedding. And then the tasting begins. They try all sorts of little pretty appetizer-y things, all of which look awesome. They also try a mango gazpacho, which looks tremendous to me, but Amber thinks that while it's interesting and well-intentioned, she's not sure it would be loved by everyone. And God knows she knows what that's like. And then we see my favorite part, which is that when they're supposed to be sampling the cocktails, Rob just downs the entire thing. There is wine, there is lobster salad...there is a lot of expensive food, basically. Ultimately, they go with a seafood option, rejecting Rob's plea to also include steak. You know, just to keep the bases covered. When they're getting ready to go, CC breaks the news that they're going to discuss additional cocktails with "a master mixologist in New York," and that they also need to write vows, choose an officiant, and get a song for their first dance. Amber suddenly feels overwhelmed by how much they have to do, and Rob is no help, on account of being rather sloshed. "We have a loooot to do," he slurs. Sample the cocktails, Rob. Sample!
As they leave the resort, Amber wonders if he'd like to walk on the beach a little, but he protests that he's not dressed for it with the shoes and the jeans. Killjoy! Amber also tells Rob that Arlette needs her to come back for two more dress fittings, including one almost immediately. They climb on the plane, clearly pretty stressed, and when they're back in New York, we hear in a voice-over that Amber is feeling sad about not getting time at home before her wedding, which I totally understand. As Rob checks them into a hotel, Amber sits in the car and says she's not sure what to tell her mother about not seeing her. She gets very weepy, and then there's a very out-of-context moment where Rob is says, "It's supposed to be fun doing this. She's crying in the car, and I'm pissed off. They haven't got the dresses yet, the girls haven't tried anything on...there's a lot to do in not a lot of time." Something about that bit definitely seemed more directed than an interview, as if he's specifically angry at someone, but we don't see who it might be. I'm not sure how production did or didn't interfere in what they're doing here, but that's kind of the vibe I got, that he was stressed because production wasn't letting them have any time and was cramming too much crap in. Don't know. In the car, meanwhile, Amber is still crying, saying that she now feels like they've got too much to do as a result of her desire for a fancy beach wedding. "I just feel like I'm always being so difficult," she chuckles, embarrassed. Rob yells at whomever it is, "It's not the little things. It's the big picture right now. Because our backs are against the wall, and we don't have a lot of time." You'd almost think there's a downside to putting your wedding on TV. ["Although, honestly, don't they know anyone who's gotten married? It's a big job to plan, TV or no TV; they're probably less stressed than, say, people who actually have to pay for the thing." -- Sars]
After the commercial, we learn that we are in New York nine days before the wedding. In a joint interview, Rob explains that yesterday was their biggest day yet. It turns out that the first task of today is to write their vows, so they plunk down on the couch with a laptop to try to figure out what to do. Rob says that not only did they need to write the vows, but this gave them an opportunity to "breathe" in the middle of all the craziness. He tentatively says to her, "It should be, like, a couple of sentences of…," and then he trails off. Amber jumps in to help. "'Amber, you're the most wonderful woman on earth,'" she offers, and Rob laughs. He suggests that she can write about herself and he can write about himself. "That would be kinda funny," he says with a grin, in just the voice he used for similar comments in tenth grade, often earning himself a punch in the teeth, I'm sure. Amber tries looking up something online about how to write vows. I'm guessing they're looking at this, based on the title Amber rattles off. But she explains that as they looked over the instructions, it seemed kind of dopey. Again, I think they're reading that purple page. So she suggests they just head out on the roof and write for a while. They go up and settle into separate tables. Rob explains to us that their vows might not come out particularly traditional, but then, they're not having the world's most traditional wedding anyway. It's true. Traditionally, a wedding like this would be a miniseries. Amber tells us that she isn't worried, because she knows he'll love whatever she says and she'll love whatever he says. Aw, I vote she includes that. After they write for a bit, Rob announces that he has a good start. "How much?" Amber asks, a little nervously. "Let me see." He holds it up, and you can see that he has at least a good-sized paragraph. "Wow," she says happily, and Rob smiles his "how do you like them apples?" smile. Amber says that ultimately, she enjoyed writing down why she loves him and wants to be with him. And again, I feel the "aw" approaching. "I love you," he says as they head inside. "I love you, too," she says. And then he says, "That should be it! That should be the vows right there." Indeed. That, and one "sweet-haht." Works for me, man.
Pensacola. The house. Rob's friend Anthony explains to us that just for the guys to unpack the stuff Rob bought for the house is going to take them forever. We watch as they open a lot of boxes with great confusion, unsure what they're even opening. Anthony thinks there are entirely too many candleholders. Of course, my sense is that Anthony thinks that all vases, ashtrays, glasses, mugs, ottomans, and saucepans are actually candleholders. I'm seeing in Anthony a "drink from the finger bowl" kind of guy, you know?
And now, Rob and Amber are in New York meeting with their mixologist. No, really! Amber explains that they'll get to serve a special custom drink at their wedding. Rob asks the guy, whose name is Dushan, what a mixologist is, and Dushan tells him that it's a person who "creates something that's more than pouring a drink in a glass." Rob says that in Boston, that's considered a bartender, but Dushan isn't just a bartender. He's a good bartender. At any rate, Rob explains in an interview that he was pretty sure that if Dushan tended bar in Boston, he'd be beaten up a lot. Which is basically true. Still, they accept from him a lovely pink cocktail that he tops with dried rosebuds. They sip it and declare it "awesome." Their modification is that only the girls will get floating roses. Guys will get floating orange slices. I think Rob does not look forward to the ribbing he will receive if he serves his friends pink drinks with rose petals in them. Indeed, it is a trifle Trista, that whole thing. But Dushan accepts the modification, and he and Rob shake on it. Rob wants to call the drinks "Rose Islands," and although Amber agrees in concept, she specifies that they should spell it "Rozisland." It is literally my favorite moment in the entire show when Rob laughs and gives her this fabulous grin like, "I like you so much even though you are occasionally really weird," and then he points out that people don't usually ask how drinks are spelled.
Pensacola. The boys are finishing the painting and moving in the furniture. They have also made an executive decision to cut a bunch of little fringe crystals dangling off a lampshade. Seriously. They cut them off with snippers. Those crystals are probably worth about a bazillion dollars. That is so sad. Anyway, Rob calls the project on his cell, and the guys assure him that they're working. Rob tells us that the guys are great and can work hard, but he's on guard for them to wind up screwing around and socializing instead of working. But it does appear that the guys are still going.
Rob and Amber relax at their hotel, and they say that they had a much more relaxing day. Amber asks Rob if he wants to dance, and although he resists at first, they ultimately decide to get some practice, which involves furniture-moving shenanigans, and there's nothing better than shenanigans, obviously. They dance in the living room, pretty badly, and Rob admits that he doesn't want to look stupid, so he's not sorry they're learning. Amber tells us that she really wants her wedding to be fun, and I am certainly in favor of that. It's one of those comments it's kind of hard to make fun of.
Now, it's eight days till the wedding, and Rob is seeing Amber off for a trip home to have a dress fitting. I love the part where he's dragging her luggage and almost gets himself entirely stuck in the revolving door, and then Amber just goes out the regular door that's, like, a few steps away. You can be as romantic as you want, and I'll still like you better when you're stuck in a revolving door, because I am the cheapest date in the history of cheap dates. Rob talks about what a good trip he thinks it will be for Amber as he puts her into the cab. They smooch. He waves goodbye. Booo!
Now, Rob heads to the jeweler to pick up their wedding rings. He checks them out, and they are nice indeed. Simple but distinctive, which is just right. And when he has the rings in hand, he tells the jeweler that he has one other thing on his mind, and that's a pair of diamond earrings for Amber. He explains to us that she's been wearing fakes since the day he met her, and she doesn't splurge on things for herself very much. So now she'll have real ones. And usually, I'm not really one for the romantic deployment of cold, hard cash, but this is the kind of gesture for which I would make an exception. Whatever; I never said I was discriminating.
Pensacola. The guys are waiting for Rob to arrive and cleaning the house, which looks terrific. Rob tells us that he's excited about getting there and seeing it, and about seeing the guys. He hops out of the car and goes up to the front door.
Back from commercials, he finally goes inside. The house looks terrific, and Rob describes himself as "shocked." He explains that the "blood, sweat, and tears" of his buddies are going toward making him and Amber a home. We wander into the bedroom and look at the very nice dark-wood canopy bed, and Rob explains that Amber will love this most of all. He praises the guys' work extravagantly, and says that Amber will be "blown away" by all the work that the guys put in.
Beaver. (Tee hee.) Amber arrives at the airport and drives herself home. She says she can't wait to see her mother and give her a hug, and indeed, that's what happens when she gets there. She says she's "comfortable" here, and can be herself. And then it's time to call Arlette about a fitting. Arlette tells her to come right over, so Amber's on her way. She admits that when she showed up, she hugged Arlette, but she really wanted to see the dress. Heh. Well, sure. Amber explains how exciting it was as we watch her try on her dress, and then her very nice mom talks about how "surreal" it was to see her in it. Nicole and her daughter Emma come up to see Amber in the dress as well, so it's one big looky-lou party. It's interesting, because not only is it a pretty simple dress, it's a sort of non-hip dress in a way that I like. It's got more material on the shoulders than your average current wedding dress -- which is to say, it's got material on the shoulders -- and the ruffle situation is pretty old-school. It does have a good measure of floaty white fabric trailing behind, which should be nice for the beach as long as it's not windy. I will say, though, that the single best picture of my sister from her wedding day is of her laughing with surprise as she gets hit by a stiff breeze and puts up her hand to steady her veil. Maybe one of the best wedding pictures I've ever seen. And with that, I am officially overwhelmed with sentiment, which is what other people's weddings are for, after all. Damn you, weddings!
Anyway, Amber talks about Nicole, too, and the way Nicole has always looked out for her and is looking at this almost like their mom does. I really like the part where Mom comes over and puts her arm around poor, weepy Nicole. Mom says that it's tough to think Amber is going to be gone in her own home and such. Sniffle.
Boston. Amber and Rob meet up in the airport, discuss how glad they are to be home, and get themselves home. The day, there are five days till the wedding, and they're headed for another dance lesson. Their instructor starts a fairly weird lesson with lots of marching and swaying. It kind of boggles the mind. "This might be a little bit ambitious," Rob says dubiously, but the women both try to put his mind at ease. They show him where Amber will make a little turn, and he still looks incredibly doubtful. Amber tries to tell him that it's not that hard, and he explains that he academically gets what he's being told, but that it's hard for him, and he ultimately winds up just declaring, "I don't have rhythm." And that, I am inclined to believe. The instructor tries to protest, but Rob insists that "you have it or you don't," which is...not entirely true, but certainly partially true. Really uncoordinated people should be allowed their dignity. For all of our sakes, you know? Anyway. They finally get out of the dance lesson and head for Rob's house.
Casa Mariano. Everybody serves up dinner, and they all sit around. Rob says that after this dinner, the time they all hang out, Rob and Amber will be married. As the family sits around the living room, Rob prattles on about how much his family has always loved Amber. "She fits right in," he says, sure that this will be a compliment. "My sistah has never had a sistah, and they get along like sistahs." Sometimes it's a wonder he doesn't already have a genius grant, you know?
After another commercial, we are in the Bahamas at last, where Rob and Amber are arriving. They meet with their officiant, whose name is J.P., and he talks to them about what they want from a perfect ceremony. And then they head off to sign their marriage license, and then it's time to pick out where they want to go on their honeymoon. After checking out Dubai and Maldives, they decide to go to Cabo, which...okay. But it's...you know, Cabo. It's like going to Mazatlan or Fort Lauderdale for your honeymoon. Kind of weird. I'd have done the Maldives thing for sure, if only so that I didn't have to worry that my suite would be used for fraternity pranks.
That night, the guests start arriving. As they greet them, Rob says that the greatest thing was seeing their families arrive. Rob gives an official welcome into the microphone, and then he says, "Let's pah-ty." Well, sure he does. After a sausage-rageous barbecue, everyone heads off for some casino play. Rob and Amber face off at the craps table, where he appears to be drunk, again, some more. It's nice that this is all on film, because it doesn't look like he's going to remember very much of it.
The morning, Amber and her friends take off on a boat for her bachelorette party, where she announces that they're going on a dolphin encounter. Sigh. Rob, on the other hand, announces that he's taking all his guys out on a fishing trip for his bachelor party. He comments on the fact that the best thing about his bachelor party is seeing people from different parts of his life all together, which is interesting because of the number of people I know from whom I've heard the same thing about their weddings -- how neat and how weird it was to put their work friends and college friends and family and so forth all into the same room. And then, presumably, hope that it isn't struck by lightning or anything, because how much would that suck? This is the way my dark mind works. Rob's on the boat with his family, meaning that the boat with his friends has to moon him. Well, of course. What's a wedding special without a few pixelized asses?
Amber and the women, of course, get a totally dorky experience doing what looks like water aerobics with a bunch of damn dolphins. Where are the strippers? This sucks. And I cannot tell you how much I would rather be fishing. Dolphins are twee! Boooo!
Later, it is the eve of the wedding. The rehearsal dinner is underway, complete with copious delicious food. And now, it is time for the revealing of the surprises. Amber get the crowd's attention and explains how CC got them to plan surprises for each other, and now, they're going to unveil them. And, she says, Rob's first surprise will be the first thing they uncork. A little video monitor in the room where the rehearsal dinner is starts up, and we watch as Amber and Nicole tie up the painting, which of course can't be seen. The first hint is when the video cuts to a sign that says "Spring Training." Rob looks down at Amber with a smile. "Oh my God, you got to go to spring training? Without me?" As we watch, Amber snags her autographs to the cheers of the crowd. So he starts to figure out what she's doing. Rob interviews incredulously that Amber went down there and hung out with his very own Red Sox. "I've never even been to spring training," he points out. Rob absolutely loves the part where Trot Nixon goes apeshit into the video camera. Heh. And then Bronson Arroyo says, "Be faithful to your wife, and stop cheating, like you do in all the games." And he grins. Rob loves that, too, and at home, Lex throws a coffee mug into his TV and says, "Well, really." Back in the room, Amber reveals that they had the painting shipped down, and here it is. They show this ginormous piece of art to Rob. He hugs Amber. And he's crying, which I think is less about how awesome the painting is and more about how awesome Amber is, which is appropriate. She tells him not to cry, which only calls attention to it. As he cries into her shoulder, she points out that not very many people see him cry, so she knows that it meant a lot to him.
And now, of course, it's time for Rob to show off the house. On video, he tells her that they haven't had their own home, but now they will. And he explains how his brother and her brother and Rob's friends all pitched in to fix up the house. He tours her around the place, and now she's crying, too. He shows her the canopy bed, explaining how this apparently all came up while they were in Botswana, probably during the race. She loved the bed that had curtains around the canopy, and now they have one. AW! Hee. He definitely hit a home run with the house. "I love you; I can't wait to marry you," he says. AW! Okay, I'll stop. It's gross! I know. I feel bad, believe me. They hug. EEEEEW! She explains in an interview that it was "an amazing idea," and he went so far to make her happy. She declares their evening "perfect," and reminds herself that tomorrow is their big day.
More commercials, and then it's the wedding day, and it looks like a day of much good weather. CC is having everything set up, and it turns out that a "simple beach wedding" is more complicated than you'd think. And Rob needs to give Amber her earrings, too, and presumably he isn't supposed to see her, so he sends the earrings off with Mike. "Don't lose them," he says. For her part, Amber is wrapping up the other gift she got Rob, which is a necklace she filled with sand from Panama and sand from the Bahamas -- the places they fell in love and are getting married. (Trash had a great time recasting this sequence as, "I got you a house and some diamonds." "Awesome. I got you a painting and a necklace made from dirt.") She has also included a poem in the box with the necklace -- a move she will soon regret. Nicole gives Rob the gift, announcing that Amber would love it if he'd wear the necklace. And Cheryl, Amber's mom, tells Rob that the poem that's included is one that she gave her husband when they got married. Rob takes out the poem and reads it out loud, and he does really well until he gets to this: "So that I never leave your breast." Because at this point, of course, he has to look up, grin sheepishly, and look back down. Because he said "breast." He tries not to get giggly, but he can't help it, because he is, as I've said, the Thattiest Guy of all time.
For her part, Amber receives a note and a gift. When she reads the card out loud, she does it with a full-on low-quality imitation of Rob's accent, which is sort of goofy and endearing. It ends, "Love you with all my haht, forevah and evah...and evah." When she opens the earrings, she gives a happy, "Oh, my God."
Rob's room of preparation. There is a knock at the door. One of Rob's buddies gives a shrill cry of "Housekeeping!", which...never mind. The point is that they stroll in, and the crowd is truly beginning to gather. Amber and her bridesmaids have their hair and makeup done as Amber talks about how easy it all is for guys, who don't have to worry about all this crap. By way of illustration of her point, we see that the guys are playing some kind of a dice game. Being a boy is easy!
But not for CC, who is outside getting things set for the reception.
The bridesmaids declare that they love their dresses, which bridesmaids always do, and which they never mean. Ever.
CC continues to build. He talks about a rear-projection system that really sounds like it's going to be insane. Oh, and he's perfecting the "metallic turquoise dance floor." Wait, what kind of a wedding is this? Oh, yeah. The TV kind. CC explains that when Rob and Amber first enter, they'll be led by BeBe Winans and a gospel choir. So that's what they're getting instead of the other 300 guests they know personally and wanted to invite, I guess. CC says he "love[s] drama."
The bridesmaids put on their shoes. Rob's groomsmen unwrap their gifts. They do a good job of making sure you can't actually see what they are, except that they're from Tommy Bahama. Watches? Pendants? Anyway, it's something they'll never wear. Colin, for his part, goes to see Amber in her dress and is shocked and pleased at how nice it is. He's even all nice to Arlette, even though she doesn't usually deal exclusively in the famous. He tells us that he was "blown away" by the dress. He also assures Amber that Rob looks awesome. The bridal party strolls toward the wedding site as Amber talks about how excited she is, and about how great it is to have people care so much about her and want to see her all day.
When we get back from another set of commercials, the surf is pounding. Random footage of Rob and Amber making out on a beach, neither one of them really looking their best, plays as Amber tells us how quickly she and Rob "clicked," and how surprised they were. She says that he's "very romantic" and "very sensitive," and that he tells her how he feels all the time. For his part, Rob says that when he wakes up in the morning, Amber is the first thing he thinks about, and she's the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep. And that has the weird status of being (1) a horrible cliché; and (2) such an awesome sentiment if true that you can almost get away with it nevertheless. "It's kind of ironic," he says, actually using the word the way he intends, "but I found my perfect person when I was starving on an island in the middle of Panama." Amber says that she always used to think you needed to date for at least a year before getting engaged, but she and Rob totally didn't do that, so now she thinks there's "no time limit." Heh. More smooching footage. "When you know, you know," Rob says. "It's not one thing that I love about Amber. It's not even a list of things. It's just Amber." Nice, that. Amber says that she would love for the wedding to go on forever, and I'm starting to think it might, so let's...you know, move on.
And now, the wedding portion of the wedding, which is always my least favorite part. Rob waits by a beachfront altar, facing all the guests. Behind the guests is an arch, and Amber walks under the arch as the music plays. She also manages to catch her flowing veil on the arch, and requires a quick assist to get untangled. Rob grins a meaty grin at her as she, ultimately joined by her father, approaches down the aisle. Rob steps up from the altar, hugs Amber's dad, and takes Amber back up with him. The officiant gives a speech that you really don't need to know a lot about. He explains that the last few days have undoubtedly given everyone a chance to revel in their love for the couple. "The story that we celebrate is the story of your friendship," he says. He makes a lame reality-TV joke, but then he's back on track, promising that the family and friends will "bear witness" as they get married. Well, along with the rest of the TV audience. Nicole and Mike step up and hand Rob and Amber their vows. Amber's are on a fancier piece of paper, which Rob comments on in a low, nervous mutter, leading Amber to nervously comment, "I'm a girl."
Rob's vows start off by telling Amber that he's never met anyone who made him feel so special. "You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me feel important and smaht, sometimes you make me crazy, then you make things all right again." That's pretty cute, there, you know. He says she's taught him patience and compromise, blah dee bling, and this is always the part where I get bored with TV vows, even when they're real. He loves her, and he promises to be true. "To always treat you with respect, to always be your friend, to always put you above everything else, and to always love you with all my haht, forever and ever." And then he looks at her and smiles and adds, very proud of himself, "And ever." Clearly, this is some inside joke they have, since she did the same thing when she read the card. I suspect that "forever and ever...and ever" is some kind of a reference, and I kind of think it's cute they didn't explain it. They deserve to keep something, after all. Amber laughs. And then Rob grins even more, looks out at the chuckling audience, and says, "The End." Even cuter. Aw! I know, I know, we're almost done.
Amber reads her vows, but they don't really have anything as amusingly self-deprecating as "and evah." She talks about how much she loves him, promises to be generally awesome, and tries to ignore how her veil is blowing around. "So be it," says their officiant. They go through the part where the family and friends promise to support them in their marriage, and nobody makes a stink or anything, so I guess it's really happening. They hold hands and look at each other as the guy talks about all the kids they're going to have, which could be potentially uncomfortable, depending, so I hope he cleared it with them. They take their rings from what looks like a little candy dish, and they do the exchange.
So now, they're married, complete with a weird reference by their officiant to that twee "dance like no one's watching" email signature thing, which gives the whole wedding a strange and uncomfortable Successories vibe. But they kiss anyway, and then it's all about BeBe Winans and the singing of "Oh Happy Day," which is pretty cool, especially in relative terms, considering what a lot of wedding music is like. It could be "A Whole New World," after all. The wedding party exits to this music.
My favorite interview comes when Amber explains that there were some small hitches in the ceremony -- like the part where she got her veil stuck on the arch. "Those are the moments that make your wedding your own," she says easily, and Rob kind of looks at the interviewer like, "Huh? Huh? How cool is she? And a smokin' ass to boot!" Rob says that he was "just, like, 'wow'" about the way Amber looked, and adds somewhat clumsily that she was "extra-beautiful" coming down the aisle. They sing a little of "Oh Happy Day," which Amber says she loved, and Rob proves he wasn't kidding about not being able to sing any more than he can dance.
Rob and Amber Mariano are introduced at their reception, and then their trumpeter performs their first wedding song, and although they start out trying to do their actual dance, they basically forget the entire thing and resort to hugging and swaying, which is good, because this is what hugging and swaying is for. I like the fact that she's the one who wanted the dancing, but you can see that she's the first one to basically totally give up and wrap her arms around his neck so he doesn't have to think about it anymore. Accordingly, she voices over that this particular moment was about them, and not about impressing anyone. Good call, girlie. And Rob closes the dance with the forehead kiss, which is, as I have said before, always in order.
Food is served. So there's lots of footage of people eating, if you care. "I've never seen shrimp so big in my entire life," Amber says. Indeed, I suspect the food was tremendous, even without pigs on spits. Colin comes around to talk to them, and he interviews that it was all going splendidly. He needs to go away now. The cake is gorgeous, unsurprisingly. And when they get into the cake cutting, there are suddenly fireworks everywhere. And then their band arrives, and there is mad dancing, and everyone has the best time ever.
It's nice, this wedding. And they end up married, and they like each other, and nothing really terrible happened, and they got a house, and he got a painting, and he got some free sand. What's not to like?