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Despite the horrifically twee episode title, it's really not a bad kickoff for a season that can't really help but be quite different from what we've seen before. We're hanging around in our very own country this time, and as you probably already know, we're looking at family teams of four rather than the usual teams of two. Also, nobody's ever been eight before.
At any rate, the race kicks off with a harrowing drive around Manhattan, which: yikes, and then there is boating and tenting and, best of all, lots and lots and lots of driving and navigating with maps. You'd almost think it was a show where you had to race around and try to get yourself from one place to another. About half of the ten teams make a strong impression in the first episode, including the rude and nasty Paolos, the moppet-toting Gaghans, the pink and giggling Godlewskis, the obnoxious Linzes, and the adorable Blacks, whose sons are just about the cutest thing ever. In a tense finish, the aforementioned obnoxious Linzes squeeze out the adorable Blacks, which I am very sad about in every respect other than the unbelievably uncomfortable sentences that result from featuring an African-American family called "the Blacks." Because I did not need to do that all season. But I miss them already, and the Linzes are like an explosion of That Guy genetics gone horribly awry -- well, more awry -- and it's just sad. Boooo! But I have to tell you, my very favorite part of the episode was where they brought in famous former racers Kevin and Drew, and nobody until the very last team had the first clue who they were. Now that is comedy. That's going on my personal highlight reel. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Horns of Plenty Patriotic are not merely blown but overblown as we gaze at adoringly composed shots of New York City, thinking about how fortunate we all are to live in a country where you can drive an SUV that requires you to have your own designated refinery and still feel good about yourself. Look, there's the Statue of Liberty! As the HOPPs really get cranking, the voice of Phil "Don't Blame Me; I Wanted An All-New-Zealand Edition" Keoghan announces, "This is New York City." And that comes after the shot of the Statue of Liberty, so...thanks. This is going to be better than Weekly Reader. Phil goes on to explain that New York is a "beacon of freedom and cultural diversity," which is mostly true, as long as you're not talking about the freedom to move slowly on the sidewalk. Phil's tiny form is at the base of the statue as he explains that this is the city from which ten family teams will take off for something that is kind of, but not really, an edition of The Amazing Race. The most apt comparison I've heard so far is College Jeopardy!, where as long as you know they're going to go back to the regular one at some point, the watered-down version is something you can adjust to. Anyway, Phil does not say that they're going on a "racearoundtheworld," just a "race for one million dollars," so...make of that what you will. I guess they couldn't very well just call it a "race...around."
We get a look at five yellow boats carrying the teams to Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn, and now it is time to meet the 40 freaking people of whom I am expected to keep track this season, because identical twins apparently were not enough of a challenge. I'm not sure when I started taking the casting as a hostile act, but there you go.
First up, The Gaghan Family. This group includes dad Bill, mom Tammy, son Billy, and daughter Carissa, who is instantly television's most controversial blonde since Deborah Norville. Tammy and Bill are marathon runners, and the kids run 5Ks. Tammy points out that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile, and asks, "What adult out there can run a seven-minute mile?" She's exaggerating, obviously, because a seven-minute mile is hardly unheard of among adults, but her point is taken, in that those are teeny legs to be able to run at a very respectable speed. I like the fact that they show the Gaghans hurling water balloons at each other, because I like any Family Fun Day in which somebody could actually get hurt. Carissa vows that she will run faster than the adults on the race, and Billy says he and Carissa will "work as a team spying on the other teams." He's been reading a little bit too much Encyclopedia Brown, I'd say, but all right. "I might be small," Carissa announces, "but I am not ssssstupid." Right there is your dividing line -- plenty of people found that perfectly dreadful, but it made me laugh out loud, and I laugh out loud every time I see it. I instantly see her twenty years in the future as some kind of really neat lady, snorting at this video of herself and imitating her own little precocious voice. "I can trick any adult that's trying to trick me," she insists. I have a feeling she is not an easy child from whom to hide the birthday presents.
, we have The Linz Family. Siblings from Cincinnati, they include Megan, Nick, Alex, and Tommy. As far as I can tell, Nick, Alex, and Tommy are products of that human cloning I've been hearing so much about. Nick says that they don't "take each other too seriously" and "there's always a joke being played," so take note right now: you are to find them hilarious. They're throwing stuff at each other in their intro also. Is this a theme? Megan says there are actually six brothers in her family, so I guess three didn't make the cut. That's going to make for an awkward Thanksgiving. ("Please pass the potatoes." "Gee, is passing the potatoes a task that only one person may perform? Does it have its own pros and cons? Because I wouldn't know, would I, you fame-hungry prick.") There's a very weird shot of two dogs right along here, and I have no idea what that's about. "Alex and I are the older of the two," Nick says in a conversational-impressionism kind of way. And then he implies that he will be the leader, and Tommy implies back that Nick is a big blowhard, and then they all laugh, because you are to find them hilarious. "Real-life situations," Alex says, "have been experienced more by Nick and I." I don't know about you, but when that kind of sentence construction is heard by I, a beat is skipped by my heart. Alex explains that Tommy and Megan are still learning things, while apparently he, at 22 years old, is fully cooked. Megan is 21, by the way, so particularly in her case, this makes remarkably little sense. As Alex bloviates about how Tommy and Megan don't know what it's like to pay your electric bill or your landlord, Tommy snaps, "Shut up, Alex! You're living at home!" Snerk. Staged, a little bit, but still funny. And, I'm quite sure, true. Oh, World-Weary Guy Whose Mom Does His Laundry.
Now, The Paolo Family. Feel free to warm up your booing lungs right now. Their patriarch is father Tony, who came from Italy at the age of 12 and has apparently been paying some kind of karmic price ever since, though I'm not sure what for. Something very bad, one assumes. He works for the sanitation department and picks up six tons of garbage a day, which I'm sure is by far the most pleasant part of his routine. He tells us that he's "living the American dream," apparently referring to the one where you wake up screaming at what has become of your existence. He's racing with his wife Marion, whose hair seems inorganic somehow, and his sons DJ and Brian, 24 and 16 respectively, about whom you should trust your instincts that they are sort of awful. Marion complains that her kids don't appreciate her, and DJ says that he's sick of his father making him feel guilty for not walking uphill both ways to school and so forth. I really look forward to spending time with them. Also, Mama Paolo's little neckerchief and pedal pushers do not suggest that she has thought this racing thing all the way through.
And then it happens. Phil says, "The Black Family!" And this is where casting really is out to get my recapping ass, because did you absolutely have to choose only one family of color and have them named the Blacks? It's...I mean, first of all, it's not like any of this is original. These people have heard this their entire lives. I was working with a group that was auditioning new members once, and the first person to come in was named Noelle. And she was first. Get it? Get it? And yes, I made the joke, and I have literally never, ever forgiven myself, so you know what I'm getting at. At any rate, the Blacks are all wearing coordinated tie-dye, and they include dad Reggie, mom Kim, and totally adorable boys Kenneth and Austin. Austin is eight, making him the littlest racer of all time. Not emotionally, since Wil was no more than seven, and...you know, Flo...but chronologically, Austin is younger. Kim lays out a "we just want to be everyone's friend" racing strategy that probably makes her, as a racer, a really good mom. Kenneth expects to be underestimated, meaning that the old and the young really do have something in common. Austin anticipates that people will help him because he has a good personality, and he's cute. Which he says out loud, which kind of takes away from both the good personality and the cuteness, but he is eight, so, whatever.
, The Bransen Family. This is a father and his daughters, and I hope you're paying attention, because after a two-hour episode, I still had very little idea who these people were. Dad Wally tells us that Beth, Lauren, and Lindsay will always be his "little girls." They are all blonde. I will never learn to tell them apart, ever, because they all look exactly like Tonya Harding. One of the girls tells us that they make fun of their dad a lot, like the hilarious way they call him "Wal-derrr" instead of "Wal-ter." If that's their idea of making fun of their dad, they are truly amateurs. As mentioned previously, my father and I have much more colorful nicknames for each other than that.
And now, The Weaver Family. This is a widow and her children from Florida. Daughter Rachel explains that her father died in an auto-racing accident at the speedway where he worked. My God. Mom Linda explains that since the death of her husband, she and her alliterative children Rachel, Rebecca, and Rolly (who is a boy, in spite of his hair) have had this "cloak of sadness," and they're trying to get out from under it by going on the race together. There are certain things that make me very sympathetic to you in life, but that I am very wary of seeing used as your hook on a reality show, and this is a perfect example. I don't dislike them for being on the show, but this is just too much for me. It's distasteful in a way that's tough to put my finger on. Also, they have horses. Also also, while Rebecca may have a cloak of sadness, she also has a cloak of blonde hair over what is mostly dark hair, so that's an interesting effect.
The Aiello Family isn't necessarily my favorite team, but I like their hook the best -- it's a father and his three sons-in-law. Dad Tony explains that his family is his reason for living, and he likes the idea of getting this time with his three SILs -- Kevin, David, and Matt. I cannot believe that the three SILs, not related by blood, still all manage to look like the same guy. I swear, I am never going to get the hang of this, ever. I'm also not a big fan of Tony's flat little caps. He seems to have several of them, and it makes me think it's some kind of a thing he has, like he's Joe Pantoliano, which...no. Matt says he's looking forward to getting to know the guys on the team "on a more intimate level," and Tony's all, "Not that intimate," in case you thought Matt was implying that the father and the SILs would be doing a lot of making out. Boy, there's a joke that never, ever gets old. "I won't spoon you," Matt offers, which kind of pulls the moment out of the fire and makes it slightly funny again, although the visual imagery is not doing me any favors. I think I like him.
The Schroeder Family is from New Orleans, and by way of introduction, yes, they had some hurricane losses, and yes, they're okay, although that obviously doesn't make the cut here. This family includes dad Mark, stepmom Char, and kids Stassi and Hunter, 17 and 15, who are not, despite their names, moody runway models or sweaters from J. Crew. Stassi is more the jet-black-hair Subtle Hint-O-Goth girl, and Hunter is a relatively unassuming kid. Char says that their attitude is that they're right, and other people are wrong. Why anyone would adopt that particular attitude with regard either to life or to this particular game is a little bit beyond me. Stassi calls herself a "daddy's girl," and there certainly seem to be more than a few of those kicking around. Mark says that his "boisterous personality tends to intimidate people," and that is bad on several levels. Most people who describe themselves as "boisterous" voluntarily are sort of assholes, and people who refer to the way they intimidate others pretty much always are, so that's just not a good sign. And then he compares himself to a hungry but fuzzy bear, which makes me want to spray him with mace. But in a cuddly way.
The Godlewski Family is a wall of blondes -- four sisters, all wearing pink. Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Tricia. They pretty much go from wife-type to young-hottie type, although they're all lovely women and could also be viewed as a primer in how to age gracefully, since none of them look like they're trying too hard and three of them are between 37 and 42. Christine says that they, too, expect to be underestimated. They all promise not to obsess over their hair. You know, the way girls usually do! Ha ha ha! Sigh.
The first thing I note about The Rogers Family is the purple bandanna on one of them, which instantly reminds me of Kendra. Yuck. Dad Denny, mom Renee, daughter Brittney (purple bandanna), and son Brock are all going on the trip, but Renee nods vigorously when Denny says that he'll be in charge. And why? Because of the Bible. I didn't even know the Bible mentioned reality television. Go figure. "We believe that the man is the authority of the house," Denny announces, but Brock tells us that they have scuffles over things like his curfew. Brock has a certain look of completely non-threatening teenage rebellion, with the mop of boy-band hair and everything. I mean, you can let a lock fall over your eye all you want, but as long as your sea-foam polo shirt has the collar turned up, nobody's going to tag you as a rebel. We all know that you leave the Jimi Hendrix CD out in plain sight, but on your iPod, it's all Rob Thomas. In other news, you'll never guess, but Brittney thinks that people will underestimate their team because they're from the south. Denny, on the other hand, thinks that people will underestimate them because they're so kind and have so much "charm." So, just to recap: nobody has any respect for young people, old people, women, blondes, southerners, or people who just can't help being superior human beings. Got it.
As Phil wonders aloud whether the families can tolerate traveling together, Carissa nearly skips with excitement toward the starting line. "Brains, brawn, and teamwork," et cetera. And Phil closes with another death-defying eyebrow pop. Oh, I love you too, Phil.
The starting line is in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge, where all the families stand ready to leave. Phil explains about the tasks they'll have to complete, and about "many legs" (not in the "there are 80 individual legs standing around at the starting line" way, which is what I personally am obsessing over), and he says that there are seven elimination points. Another thing: this time, not only do you not have to pay for airline tickets, but you don't have to pay for gas. Interesting. Does everyone understand the rules? Austin nods with great seriousness. It's just about time to leave, so...we'll just have to see how this goes, is my thought. Once they get their clues from their luggage, they'll hop into a GMC Yukon XL Earth-Violating Irresponsiblemobile and take off across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan. Phil says "one million dollars" and everything, but it's already not the same. "The world is waiting for you." Carissa stares resolutely. "Good luck...travel safe...[another eyebrow pop]...go!" I still love that part, no matter how much they unwisely fuck with the formula.
The teams dash across the park. If you're looking for the early fleet of foot, I can see Brock (until he racks himself, undoubtedly messing up the 'do he worked on all morning), SIL Matt, Brian Paolo, and -- most surprisingly -- Papa Rogers, among others. They get to their luggage and start tearing into clues. The clue tells them to drive themselves to SoHo and find Eastern Mountain Sports, where they'll pick up some supplies. About as close as you're ever going to get to starting at the Mall of America at the Ritz Camera store, I have to say. At least there, you'd have to cope with these creepy giant Lego figures that I just don't want to talk about. At the store, they'll pick up sleeping bags, camping mats, head lamps, and a tent. They're getting $150 for the leg, which you will notice is pretty darn generous if they don't have to pay for gas and they don't have to buy these supplies, which I'm fairly sure they don't. I think there is a specific intent to make sure nobody scrimps on food or anything here, because children who have Killer Fatigue or are getting by on airline peanuts and Power Bars would not make anyone happy. Everybody runs toward the Yukons. Mama Paolo tells us she "pulled something." The cosmic short straw, I believe.
The Gaghans load their stuff into their Yukon. They get going first, or so it appears. "SoHo is a nice place," Billy says, going for early points for graciousness. And then he pauses and there's a hint of a shy smile as he says, "I think." Hee. The Weavers throw their stuff in the back and go, screeching the whole way.
Aaaaand, credits! I like how the Blacks get to go "Hyaaaah!" right over the theme music. [BOMP.]
We return to the alley where the Schroeders are packing their Yukon. They climb in, and Char is driving, and Mark reminds her to head across the bridge. I have to say, I adore New York, but I have never attempted to drive there, and I'm not sure I ever would. This would be a nightmare of a first leg for me, given my fear of city drivers and my rather poor sense of direction. The Aiellos get a move on , and I believe that's SIL Kevin driving. (I am determined to figure all of this out. Determined!) Then Linz.
The Gaghans are still in the lead, with Mom and Dad giving lots of props for what a good job the kids did getting out of the park. "Right now, we're in first place," Carissa points out in this knowing way as she rubs her eye. I can totally see how this would play two ways, but I love her. I have often said little girls are broken down into ones who go around with Band-Aids on their knees and ones who don't, and I think she does, and that makes me like her. She's also very happy when they make it through a red light and the other teams don't. ["Well, and a kid's perspective on the idea that it's a really long race and fortunes rise and fall and blah blah is not going to be as well developed as an adult's, generally. I don't love her, but on a scale of one to Flo, this seemed pretty minor." -- Sars]
Elsewhere, Mama Rogers gets her arm brushed off by Brittney after explaining that she fell during the run. Brittney outs her brother for also having fallen on his ass, which seems to make Mama feel a little better. They take off, and then the Bransens do, too, with one of the Tonyas saying "helpfully" that she's shopped in SoHo. The Blacks are , and then the Paolos are bringing up the almost-rear, with everybody in the car already berating Tony. Nice to meet you, Tony. Can we call you Job? Bringing up the actual rear are the Godlewskis, whom my brain consistently wants to call either the Gadzookskis or, per one of the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters, the Goodlookskis or, per one of my friends who finds them a little too talky-shrieky, the GabbleGabbleGabbleskis.
Gaghans and Weavers are still out in the lead, but Rebecca gets the latter team on the wrong road, so there goes that advantage for the moment. The Schroeders see this happen and give a big cheer. I don't think I like them. The Aiellos and Linzes follow. Mama Rogers is still worrying about the ear she landed on when she fell. It's not easy to fall and land on your ear, but she swears she did. When the Bransens see the "Brooklyn Br" sign, one of the Tonyas says, "B-R is probably 'bridge.'" Has she never heard of the famous Brooklyn Bra Outlet? The Brooklyn Bridal Salon? The Brooklyn Browbeating Society For The Terminally Obnoxious? Hey, speaking of whom: DJ Paolo, who sounds like he would be some kind of Corsican hip-hop artist, is bugging his father to drive faster. Meanwhile, Rebecca Weaver continues displaying her driving skillz by going the wrong way down a one-way street. Change drivers, maybe? Just a thought. There is GabbleGabbleGabbleski action over in their SUV. The Weavers and Gadzookskis wind up on the Brooklyn Bridge at the same time, and the Weavers refer to the Gadzookskis as the "Desperate Housewives," which...not bad. Not great, but I've heard worse. Rolly yells out something about not letting "those old farts" pass, and Mama Weaver pauses to tell him not to say that word. Dude. He's 14. You're trying to get him not to say "fart"? You might as well ask the tide not to come in. In the Godlewski car, the pinks are all shrieking. Get used to it.
The Gaghans ask directions to SoHo. In an interview, Tammy says that they travel internationally all the time, so she thinks that will be an advantage. They should really just use old interviews for this, is my opinion, since everyone always says exactly the same things at the starting line and it's all completely meaningless. The Aiellos are following the Schroeders trying to find SoHo. One of the SILs (they should be captioning everyone at this point, and it's very unfortunate that they're not -- it's...SIL Kevin, the apparent designated driver) says that he's worried about looking like a dork in front of his FIL. At first it seems like the Linzes get directions indicating that SoHo is "on the left side," which sounds a little suspicious to me, but I think they actually got directions to the store itself, so good on them. The Linzes catch up to the Gaghans and comment that "mommycakes" is driving. That's going to get very, very old. You have to earn the right to that particular form of humor, and these guys totally haven't yet. The teams wind up to each other, and Bill rolls down the window and asks good-naturedly if they know where SoHo is. Everyone laughs, which seems promising, attitude-wise, and the Linzes indicate that they think it's "on the corner up here." Gaghans follow Linzes.
Godlewskis are accompanied by the jazzy funk of questionable competence as they drive around looking for SoHo. They stop a guy and ask him for "the town of SoHo." He doesn't ridicule them nearly as much as he could have, but he gives them directions as well as a map. They tell him they love him. I don't think they really mean it. The Schroeders spot the Godlewskis along here, and Mark feels the need to make a "silicone" crack, which...you know what? Shut up, dude. The fact that they're all blonde and they're all women doesn't entitle you to boob humor unless you'd like it done to your own wife, which I seriously doubt. Char interviews that Mark is both "hardcore" and "aggressive." I'm not sure I've ever seen so many euphemisms for "jackhole" show up with regard to one guy in the premiere episode. I'm waiting to hear "intense."
Mama Weaver tells Rebecca she's "doing great," presumably aside from getting lost and going the wrong way on the one-way street and almost getting everyone killed. Rebecca interviews about losing her father and learning to appreciate her family, and I really don't want every otherwise pedestrian aspect of the race to become about this, you know? We're in the middle of driving. Do we have to discuss tragedy? Meanwhile, in the Bransen car, the Tonyas talk about how much they enjoy "people-watching." Nothing more important to do, I guess.
Brittney points out to her brother that this is his first time seeing New York. "Isn't it pretty?" she asks. "No," he says. Same to you, tool. In the Black family vehicle, Reggie is telling the family to be his "eyes," because they're looking for the store at this point. Kenneth and Austin split up the looking into left-side and right-side according to where they're sitting. Hee. Efficient! Kim interviews that their boys are really smart, and Reggie adds that the kids' minds are sometimes quicker than theirs. It's true; kids are skilled. If you've ever seen a two-year-old run a VCR while eating a sandwich and stepping on his brother, you know what he's talking about.
Paolos. Feel free to boo some more. Mama Paolo says SoHo is "not a very big area." The kids yell at their dad about his driving and order him to close his window so he can hear them. They're just complete jerks, they really are. Mama Paolo claims that their family is one of those that fights among themselves all the time, but they'll unite against anyone else and so forth. It's a nice thought, but kind of beside the point, because...dude. I know families that are like that, but there's a difference between razzing each other and actually treating each other like shit, and I'm not convinced these people are on the right side of it. No amount of whimsical circus music (the hell?) playing under their circle-harangue is going to change it. In the car, Marion tells Tony to turn on the A/C, and somehow this becomes a big thing with her obnoxious, aggressive children, who believe that having the A/C on will be distracting or something. They appear to be basically berating her just for sport at this point, and as much as she may invite it, it's not pleasant to watch.
The Linzes park (the parking has to have been prearranged, I think, unless there was some serious divine intervention of precisely the sort I don't believe in) and run for Eastern Mountain Sports. Right behind them are the Gaghans. These two teams head inside. Each team's stuff is laid out in a little pile with their name on it, so...not much of a "task," this. They could at least have shopped. They've presumably all been to Target before. When they present their stuff at the counter, they're given the clue. Phil explains that the clue requires them to travel more than 90 blocks to a hot dog stand on 91st Street between Park and Lexington. At that hot dog stand, they'll get a clue. And...wait. I know the bald guys at that hot dog stand. That's Kevin and Drew! Awwwww! Nice nod to history. The two lead teams take off. Surprisingly enough, the team to the store seems to be the Gadzookskis, followed by the Schroeders. The Gadzookskis first head into the wrong door, and then they gabble-gabble over to the right door. There's something about the way Michelle kind of does a waddle-run, all, "We're too excited!", that I should theoretically hate but actually find a little bit funny and endearing. Competent but ditzy, is kind of their thing, and I can relate. I did once fill a Honda with diesel. These two teams take off.
DJ Jazzy Paolo is still complaining, this time about not being out of New York City yet. He also complains that they should have followed somebody, and his mom complains that he already complained, and have I mentioned you should feel very free to boo?
Commercials. Isn't the Age of Emeril over yet? I mean, really?
When we return, the Paolo children are still backtalking their mother, this time about her theory that they could pull over and look at a phone book to figure out where they're going. Boooooo.
Aiellos at Eastern Mountain Sports. Weavers close behind. So if you're following, we've had three globs of teams now -- Gaghan/Linz, Schroeder/Godlewski, and Aiello/Weaver. That leaves Black, Paolo, Rogers, and Bransen. And yes, I did that to quiz myself, so I hope you enjoyed it. The Bransens and Rogerses pull up , and they leave not long after the Weavers. (Did it just occur to you to write me an email, right this minute? Before you do, please read this. Thanks.) Once they're in their car with all their supplies, one of the Tonyas is very dismayed at how loud the Weavers are, and another one comments that the Weavers knocked over a display at the store. Which it looked like they did. Somebody certainly did. I hate to see the production blow through people's businesses and leave things messier than they found them. Brittney Rogers asks a guy for general directions to 91st and Lexington, and she receives help in the form of pointing.
to the store are the Blacks. The Paolos get some directions. And with the Paolos, the farther behind they fall, the happier I am. They do find their way to the store, which means they'll probably make it out of New York, unfortunately. I would have loved a Guido edit in the first episode where they were ultimately left behind on the wind-whipped mountains of Chelsea.
In the Linz car, Megan wants to follow someone, but her brothers nix the idea, which I sort of understand, since they're practically in the lead. And then one of her knowledgeable brothers says to her that there's one rule: "Speak when spoken to." Wow. Asshole. I hate him instantly. I'm not even sure which one he is until Megan calls him "Alex" in telling him they're "not going to do that," and part of me thinks she said his name just to make sure everyone who hated him for that comment knew which of her brothers it was. ("That was Alex, ladies. A-L-E-X.") ["It never occurred to me that he wasn't joking. My brother and I say things to each other that probably sound really horrible to the uninitiated all the time, but it's never serious." -- Sars]
Elsewhere, Papa Gaghan is commenting that "9A is West Side Highway." Carissa suddenly points and says, "9A! 9A!" Once they've established where they are, she looks at some of the heavily graffiti-covered buildings and observes, "Looks like people like to use spray paint." "Yeah, spray paint's pretty popular," her dad says, a little ruefully. "Are you allowed to use spray paint?" she asks. "I think they highly discourage it," he says dryly. Heh.
The Godlewskis also point themselves to the West Side Highway, and they chatter over each other with excitement. Mark (Schroeder) bugs Char to drive more aggressively. I'm not sure why we have to rely on grainy remote-cams all of a sudden like this is World's Wildest Police Videos, but we use just such a shot to see Hunter read one of his few lines of the episode: "Get your head in the game." Not getting too much of a feel for that kid, that's for sure. As they approach an intersection, Mark says, "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." It's kind of amusing that this was one of the moments in which I liked him the best. Dark humor about children from people who love them is one of my favorite things. Stassi tells him "that's horrible," but she's laughing. Maybe she could limp.
Papa Aiello tells the SILs that he's never been camping. They're a bit incredulous. SIL Matt tells him that he has all girls, so they'll have to teach him "how to be a boy." That's kind of how you can tell this guy already gets along with the boys -- they'd never sass him like that if he didn't.
Weavers are passed by Bransens. Weavers are passed by Rogerses. Weavers need some lessons in city driving. Papa Black asks his kids if they're "taking in all of New York City," and they obediently report that they are. Aw. Reggie says in an interview that they haven't traveled a lot, but they'll learn to cope. Presumably fairly quickly, if they're being introduced to it in Manhattan.
The Paolo kids are still screaming at their mother, and their father still looks a little bit like he wishes he were dead.
The Linzes locate the hot dog stand. They pull up. Kevin and Drew look on expectantly, with a bit of, "Hey! It's us!" And Megan comes over and...she has no idea who they are. Seriously. "Hi! I need a frank, please," she says, following the wording of the clue. They give her the clue. She runs off. Unbelievable! No respect for history. None! Kevin stares after her in what I tell myself is wounded disbelief, because it's funnier that way. I think it's remotely possible from the way two of her brothers call out, "Thanks, guys!" that they recognized the boys, but I'd only be wishing. The clue tells the Linzes to cross the George Washington Bridge and drive to Washington Crossing, a Pennsylvania park that commemorates where Washington once crossed the Delaware. I love how the show's montage on the word "Pennsylvania" is, like, Amish people and rolling hills. I lived in Pennsylvania until I was 20, and I only saw those things recreationally, I'll tell you that much. I don't expect them to show belching smokestacks and people mercilessly booing sports teams, but it's not a very balanced view of the state. The Linzes find a guy who tells them to go to 96th and make a left to get to the bridge.
The Gaghans pull up to the hot dog stand, and because it's on Carissa's side, she's the one to jump out. I sense that they told the kids that in order to avoid arguing over who was going to get to do things, in a situation like this, whoever was on the right side would get to go, which makes a ton of sense and is how you keep your kids from arguing. Carissa hops out and runs up to Kevin and Drew, and I totally understand that she has no idea who they are, because when they were on TV, she was about five years old. "Do you have a frank?" she asks, a little shyly, still getting her talk-to-strangers legs. "What do you need, a frank?" Drew asks her. "Here you go, honey." He hands her the clue. He remains pretty much the sweetest person ever. She takes off and hops in the car, and when she's gone, Drew comments, "She's cute." Which she is. The Gaghans read their clue.
The Schroeders get to the hot dog stand, and Stassi has no idea who Kevin and Drew are either. They leave. The Gadzookskis are , and whichever of the pinks it is (umm...Christine, I think?), she doesn't know who they are, either, but she's all about enthusiasm anyway. This is brutal. There's been some talk that maybe the reactions to Kevin and Drew were edited out, but (1) why would you put your famous team on the show and then specifically make it look like nobody knew them?; and (2) Kevin told us on the boards that it didn't happen that way. Papa Aiello is to go up and have no idea who Kevin and Drew are as he retrieves his clue. You know, fame really is fleeting. As Papa Aiello leaves, Kevin says, "That guy's gonna have a heart attack." Heh. I miss them.
Two of the Tonyas retrieve the clue from the boys. No recognition. Somehow, I think that one hurts most of all. "I'd like to be on their team," Drew comments, a bit leeringly, as they leave. Kevin? Just leers.
Teams Rogers and Weaver are close together as they approach the hot dog stand. With the Weavers yelling the whole time, they get to the spot. Rolly, Brock, Brittney -- no recognition. Rather puzzlingly, Drew says, "He's Drew, I'm Kevin." They don't even recognize themselves anymore. Sad! But the teams get the clue, so they all take off. "Your clue is in the historic park in Pennsylvania," Mama Weaver reads, as if it's very puzzling. "I don't know if that means, like, the state of Pennsylvania?" Oy. It's a big state, people. Philadelphia? Pittsburgh? Living here in Allentown? Sigh.
The Linzes stop at a BP station and get generic directions to Pennsylvania, which is about all you need at this point. It's going to be 95 South, pretty much. The Gaghans aren't sure where they're going, either. There is, again, a lot of doubt about whether you're actually expected to go to Pennsylvania. Which...the clue says you are, so I'm not sure where the confusion came into it. Mama Gaghan also remarks that Carissa is sleepy, which looks to be true, from the way she's closing her eyes and leaning on her dad. "We'll need her later, so let her rest," Bill remarks. Didn't sleep very well the night before, I suspect, with visions of world domination dancing in her head.
Austin retrieves the clue for the Blacks, and again, he was four years old, so. On the other hand, his mom is with him, and she has no excuse. The Paolos pull up, and Brian goes to get the clue. He looks at Kevin and Drew with -- ding! -- obvious recognition. They give him his clue. "By the way, you guys? Were the best," Brian says, shaking their hands. Thank God. That was going to be embarrassing. I'd rather it had been literally anyone else who spotted them, but it's a good thing.
Schroeders and Goodlookskis, heading for the bridge. The Schroeders weirdly slag the women in their car, just kind of randomly casting around for something insulting...Californians? Smokers? Bad skin? Yeah, it's getting strained, folks. Don Rickles doesn't try this hard. The Schroeders wind up following, though, in spite of their griping.
The Aiellos pass Yankee Stadium. SIL David gives the raspberry and the thumbs-down. Tony explains the rivalry, and mentions being a Red Sox fan, which you know means gratuitous insults. The boys give a very low-energy chant of "Yan-kees suck. Yan-kees suck." Not very impressive, hate-wise. They should hear me discuss the Green Bay Packers. Not that the Green Bay Packers are really worth hating while they're flatlining the way they are now. Even worse than the Vikings! Speaking of gratuitous insults.
Several teams -- Aiello, Bransen, Rogers -- pull into a service area to figure out where they're going. They get some directions.
And in the Weaver car, perhaps the Regrettable Line Of The Week: "Pennsylvania may be a state," Mama Weaver says. And if you want to know how generous the EEFPs are, consider the fact that some of them were willing to leave open the possibility that she said this because Pennsylvania is not a state, but a commonwealth. Which is really big-hearted of them, but...no. They pull over somewhere for directions as well. They hit up a truck driver for a map, and when he agrees to let them have it, Mama Weaver says, "God bless you," which is perfectly fine. And he responds, "God bless you, too." And then she says, "Stick to the Lord. Do you know the Lord?" The driver says, "Ah, yes. He's my friend." Which causes him and Mama Weaver to...high-five. Yaaaaaay, God! I haven't heard such Lord-related boosterism since the 45 I recently heard of "Our God Is An Awesome God" that has, on the B-side, a bunch of little sermons, one of which tells you that a lot of times, when we think about the awesomeness of God, we forget that God is awesome...the same way that babies are awesome. It's not every producer of Christian music who can earnestly say without a hint of irony, "Babies are awesome." Anyway. Mama Weaver then says to the truck driver, "We'll be spending eternity together." I mean...once the guy has been all, "The Lord is my friend!", it's not all that intrusive, but it's still...weird. I know there are those people in the world, I just don't happen to be one of them, and I do not enjoy running into them. My people were too busy being hanged in public and having holes burned in their tongues to get very good at proselytizing.
As the Black family leaves New York, Reggie comments on how cool the experience of New York was. That's often how I feel, too. Some times more than others, of course. Austin is snoozing. Aw. Babies are awesome.
Papa Paolo is reassuring his brood that the families with little kids will have to take more potty breaks. Could be, I guess. Mama says something about pulling off to eat and use the bathroom, but her family shouts her down. Like, literally. The Linzes, meanwhile, seem to be near the park, but they find only a closed building when they look for information. The Gaghans stop for directions as well, but the guy they talk to has no clue.
The first family to find the way to Washington Crossing seems to be the Aiellos, followed closely by the Bransens. Certainly are a lot of position changes going on here. The teams pull the clue that tells them to paddle across the Delaware River just like George Washington did. But less warlike, probably. As Phil explains, they'll row over and get a flag, and then they'll bring it back and "observe a flag-folding ceremony" before they get their clue. Eh. I don't like "tasks" that have the word "observe" in them. Nothing really challenging starts with "Stand around while…." There are also only four boats, with one team to a boat, so a team arriving at the closing side of a clump could potentially have to wait for a boat.
The Rogers family is a little lost.
Aiellos hop into a boat, as do the Bransens. It's neck and neck (and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck, of course) as they start across the river, but the Aiellos quickly take the lead. SIL David talks about how great it was as a former Marine to do this great task, which...seems like a stretch, meaningful-experience-wise, but he seems like a nice enough guy. He gets the flag, which he treats all carefully, what with the former-military angle and everything. A Tonya gets the flag for her team, and both teams head back.
The Schroeders and Godlewskis are still together. The Schroeders are following, because they aren't aware that the Godlewskis have absolutely no idea where they're going. As the ladies flip their car around, the Schroeders realize that this is a wild pink goose chase, so they'd better not count on following these particular people anymore. Both these teams are pretty much clueless at this point.
Commercials. I'm starting to think the Dyson vacuum may be a little bit too powerful.
We come back to the Delaware River, where the Aiellos and Bransens are paddling. The SILs come up with a "stroke it" joke that's sort of beneath us all, but they finally approach the shore. Elsewhere, Team Rogers gets to the clue box in third place. is Team Weaver (oh, man, now that song is running through my head: "Teeeeam Weeeeavah!"), apparently at peace with the fact that Pennsylvania is, in fact, a state. These two teams get into the other two boats.
The Gaghans approach, having dropped several spots on the way. When they get to the clue box, Billy takes the clue, saying "I'm doing it" in a way that again suggests to me that the kids have been told that they aren't to bicker over who opens what clue. The Aiellos finally return to shore, and FIL hands the flag to the reenactment-soldier types who perform the incredibly suspenseful...folding. Tony goes on about how patriotic it was, and I am instantly bored. Because of all the things I find patriotic, watching costumed people fold outdated flags is just...not on the list. They get their clue, which tells them to drive to Philadelphia, where they will get pelted with rocks. Oh, no, that's only for relief pitchers. This clue just tells them to go to Fairmount Park and find Belmont Plateau, where they'll camp for the night. At the park, they'll pitch their tents as quickly as they can, because as they finish, they'll be given start times for the morning. Three at 10:00 AM, three at 10:30 AM, and four at 11:00 AM. The Aiellos take off. "Dude, we are team number one right now," one of them says.
The Bransens are landing as the Rogerses are trying to get going. Bransens see the flag folded. They leave in second place. The Gaghans get in their boat and leave. The Schroeders finally make it to the clue box and get in a boat. Brock Rogers fetches his team's flag, followed by Rolly Weaver. The Gaghans are paddling here, too, and it really looks like the teams are more and more at the mercy of the current. The various George Washington "captains" on the boats encourage the teams to paddle in unison, because they'll make far better progress that way. Team Rogers returns to shore, and they and the Weavers view their flags folded and head for Philadelphia. As they drive, Brock looks out the back at the Weavers and says, "They're passin' us up, I tell you whuuuut." And anyone saying "I tell you whuuuut" gets three free points with me. So that's a total of...three points for Brock so far. Teeeeeam Weeeavah! does indeed pass.
Back at the river, the Gaghans get their flag and paddle back, passing the Schroeders coming the other way. Hunter brings the flag back as his mother says, "Don't let it touch the water, honey. It's sacrilegious...or something." It's the "or something," by the way, that makes me not so much a flag-etiquette person. "Mine is not to reason why; mine is but to tell you what to do" is not my favorite moral/ethical construct. The Gaghans reach the shore with their flag, and as it's folded, Billy asks if he can hold it. "I'm very respectful," he promises. As they drive off, Carissa has her bandanna-headband tied around horizontally, like a Ninja turtle, which I like. Much more interested in being a superhero than a princess, that one. She tells her mom she "tried to get it as perfect as [she] could." "You did a good job, sweetie, don't you worry," Tammy tells her. "Give me five," her dad says, and she does. I dig them.
The Schroeders get their flag folded and leave. They feel lost almost immediately, however. As the Blacks approach the park, they see people leaving and hope they're not in last place. They're actually in seventh as they pull their clue and head down into a boat. Their captain tells them to be sure to get upriver, because downriver, the currents will kill you. And they don't have a lot of strong paddling arms, either. Meanwhile, the Godlewskis, having fallen seriously from their placement earlier, are just arriving at the park. They're trying not to panic, and their not-panicking is as loud, of course, as other people's panicking would be.
The Linzes want a map. They have really, really fallen behind. They're told that they're about 45 minutes from the park once they find a guy who actually knows what the scoop is. The Paolos? Still not where they should be. Still arguing. Still boring.
As the Black family paddles, they find themselves quickly being tossed around by the current. Even Austin is encouraged to really dig deep with the paddling, to the degree he can, and he seems to do his best. Of course...he's still eight, you know? Will they drift off into oblivion? Tension!
Commercials. I like Kate Winslet so much that I basically forgive that commercial, interestingly enough.
When we get back, the Black family is still paddling hard. Their captain tells them that they're still being pulled too far downstream, and that they need to paddle harder. They finally seem to get themselves going.
The Aiellos pull up to Fairmount Park. The group of Eagle Scouts is waiting to hand out the departure times, and...Eagle Scouts? I mean, I love Eagle Scouts. Some of my best friends are Eagle Scouts, literally. But between Philadelphia, and the flag, and the scouts...it's starting to be a bit of an OD on the Americana, if you ask me. I'm surprised there wasn't a Fast Forward involving dressing like Uncle Sam, eating a giant apple pie, and singing "Yankee Doodle" while the Rockettes stand behind you and, one by one, vote in a primary election. The Aiellos choose a spot to start with their tent.
Bransens, driving. Rogerses, driving. Rogerses, being told that they're going the wrong way, because Fairmount Park is nowhere near where they are. Mama Rogers thinks that "the swamp water has done something to [their] brain." Hey, she said it, not me. The Weavers find the park, and they are still screaming. Weavers and Aiellos work on their tents, and then the Weavers -- you guessed it! -- shriek that another family is arriving. It's the Gaghans, having passed the Bransen and Rogers crews. They hop out of their car and run for the site, just as the Bransens show up, with one of the Tonyas griping about how "the little kids" beat them. Well, yes, they did. Hit them in the knee with a pipe! Just kidding.
The Aiellos are the first team to finish the tent. They get their departure time, followed by the Weavers. With her bandanna slipped down around her neck like a collar, Carissa, who would be utterly intolerable if she had turned out to be all hat and no cattle, pounds resolutely on her tent stake. They get their clue , happy to have gained ground -- worth a half an hour in morning departure times -- from Washington Crossing to here. The Bransens, edged by a couple of little kids, pick up a 10:30 departure.
The Black family picks up its flag. The Gadzookskis arrive at the Washington Crossing clue box at last, and they get in their boat as the Blacks are returning. As the Black flag (hee) is folded, Kim reminds the kids to "watch how they respect the flag." Nice, but again, not what I watch this particular show for, so much. It's like somebody ODed on the success of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and marinated it in Lee Greenwood, and that's how we got here. The Blacks leave for Philadelphia. The Gadzookskis return with their flag and leave as well.
Finally, having done maybe the worst job ever of getting from New York City to a location in Pennsylvania, the Linz family arrives at the clue box at Washington Crossing. They hop in a boat. Someone yells, "Andale, andale, arriba, arriba!", which is stupid, but slightly funny in a meta sort of way if they're fans of the show. I want to hear them yell, "Rapido, rapido!"
Aaand here comes the Paolo family to Washington Crossing. The Linzes return with their flag and head for Philadelphia. The Paolos leave to get their flag.
Over in Fairmount Park, the Aiellos help the Rogerses put up their tent. Which is nice and friendly and doesn't matter anyway, so. Brittney comments, "Girls aren't supposed to build tents." Yeah. Tough on you. Too bad you aren't nine years old, which apparently imbues girls with sudden tent-building skills you do not possess. That will just not do, that attitude, although come to think of it, maybe that's in the Bible also. The Schroeders show up. The Rogerses get a 10:30 departure, and the Schroeders soon do as well. Stassi says that they'll work harder tomorrow so they don't wind up in sixth place again. What can I say? That's what she gets for not being handicapped.
The Paolos finally return to shore with their flag, and as they observe the ceremony, Mama Paolo says, "Can we speed this up a little, please?" It's interesting how even when I don't like the task, she can find a way to make me root for it over her. As they rush off from the park, Mama Paolo's Philadelphia clue falls right out of her pocket. The camera does swing back to peek at it from a distance, lying in the grass, but it's probably one of the cameras at that location that actually went over to get the close-up, since there's a cut there. Besides, the teams probably get used to the cameras swinging around to look at things like other teams and what have you. At any rate, they totally don't notice. As the Paolos head for 95 South, their father almost gets on 95 North, causing his son to yell, "Are you retarded?" Yeah. My family is one of those tease-each-other-out-of-love families, and angrily yelling, "Are you retarded?" would still...not be acceptable. Soon, Mama Paolo realizes that she does not have the clue with her. They have to go back, she announces.
Commercials. If you're not watching Survivor, you really are missing one of the goofiest seasons ever, in terms of people practically dying of dehydration. So get a move on and enjoy it!
When we return, the Paolos are still arguing over the clue, and although Mama Paolo wants to go back, DJ insists that they don't need it, because he knows what it said -- it said Fairmount Park, Belmont Plateau. Speaking of which, here are the Blacks at Belmont Plateau now. They get a hand from Papa Bransen as well as Papa Gaghan. And, of course, Carissa, who is back on her favorite job -- hammering tent stakes. "If I had a girl, she'd be like you," Mama Black says happily. And...I kind of think that same thing at that same moment. It's a nice thing. The Blacks finish their tent and get their 11:00 departure time. "We're full of love," Reggie interviews. "Full of happiness and just proud of our family." Austin grins through his erratically placed teeth. Hee. And then they all put their hands in and yell, "Black family!", and I laugh so hard I am sure I am going straight to hell.
The Goodlookskis show up at the park and pitch their tent. Lots of help from the other teams. Billy pounds a tent stake. One of the pinks tells the rest of the teams that they have cookies for the whole group. Literally, they are distributing cookies, which in the past would have been a metaphor for exactly the environment this isn't. "You don't expect us to, you know, bring cookies for the other teams!" and so forth. So there's no doubt that this is different, like I said, at least right now. But if you're going to make the decision to bring kids, I'm just as happy to have it be a little more Disney and a little less brutal, because who wants to see kids in an environment like the one that existed between the HugeTinies and the Twins? I mean...it's just different. The pinks get a departure at 11:00.
The Linzes pull up thinking they're last, but they're not. They're to last. Everybody else helping out? Check. Carissa on the tent stakes? Check. The Linzes interview that being second to last didn't exactly do their morale any favors, but it's still early.
Finally, the Paolos show. And the other teams help, and Carissa does tent stakes. She loves the hammering. And I would point out that in none of the shots of her hammering is she lecturing anyone, or talking about how awesome she is, or mugging. She's just working. She found a job she likes, so she's doing it. Mama Paolo tells the Eagle Scouts that both of her kids were scouts. Way to devalue the uniform, there, lady.
The morning, it's raining as the teams wake up. The Aiellos, Gaghans, and Weavers get ready to leave at 10:00. When they rip their clues, the clues say to find Tony Brubaker's farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. (Still a state!) Phil explains that the teams have to drive 92 miles to Mount Joy, where they'll find the farm and get another clue. Mama Weaver prays for Jesus to protect everyone's driving. Much better than praying for victory, but...still. She interviews over the famous Amazing Race Arpeggios that God helped them through her husband's death, which I'm sure is true. And then she says that God has a hand in their being in the race. Which...I am much less certain about. I mean, in a sense, God has a hand in my being on my couch, you know? But...I probably wouldn't say that. Anyway. They look at a map and tell Rebecca to get on 76 West. Aiellos do the same, as do the Gaghans. Billy reaches for a random button in the SUV, wondering what it is, and he finds that it's the radio, which his dad doesn't want him playing with, and they're probably not allowed to. For some reason, I think Billy would listen to NPR.
At 10:30, the Bransens, Rogerses, and Schroeders rip their clues and leave. Lots of chances to see everyone's rain gear today, that's for sure. Driving ensues. The Schroeders and Rogerses agree to work together, and Char comments, "And people think people from the south aren't that smart!" Well, you'd better hope they do. That's your secret weapon to be underestimated!
11:00 AM. Blacks, Linzes, Godlewskis, and Paolos. They leave. A Linz makes a comment about liking the looks of the Goodlookskis, and...bleh. I think that's Tommy, so maybe he inherited it from "speak when spoken to" guy. One of his brothers is smart enough to comment, "You're so out of your league right now," which is also true. I don't think the Godlewskis are in their car talking about how hot 19-year-old Tommy is. The Blacks, meanwhile, don't seem to have Mount Joy nailed down on the map, so they return to following someone. Bad idea! Sigh. More bickering Paolos.
The Weavers are in Amish country, and as tourists tend to do, one of the girls has to remark that the Amish are "so cute." Bleeaaargh. They're working here, girlfriend. It's not the zoo. Please do not feed the Amish. The Weavers are the first to arrive at the clue box at the farm. The clue reveals a Detour, where the choices are Build or Buggy. In Build, you assemble a miniature watermill. Not physically demanding, but potentially slow, and you have to be methodical. In Buggy, two of your team members drag or push the other two in a buggy over a course that's a mile and a half long. The Weavers decide to take the buggy. to the farm are the Aiellos, and they go for the buggy as well. As the Weavers board the buggy, the first thing Mama Weaver asks is where the brake is, which seems a little ominous, though understandable, all things considered. Both of these buggy teams take off.
The Gaghans find the Mount Joy farm. Having both physical strength and team members who don't weigh much, they choose the buggy option as well. Carissa and Billy hop in the buggy. "This will be fun," she pronounces happily. Yeah, for you, sister. You're riding. The Weavers are making some progress in their buggy, but they're trading off, because one does get tired.
I want you to know that the only reason I found the following moment funny is that I know everyone's okay. Everyone's okay! Seriously! But...the Weavers manage to get themselves going too fast, and they're moving downhill, and all of a sudden, they have no brakes. And the buggy starts rolling, and the weirdest part is that for no apparent reason, as everyone's worrying about the buggy rolling over Mama Weaver (I KNOW! IT'S HORRIBLE!), Rolly just kind of runs full-tilt into the wall of an outbuilding. Bonk! I don't know what that's about. It's like a cartoon. I half-expected to see a Rolly-shaped dent in the wall. But the girls inside the buggy are understandably horrified that...you know. Their mom. And their dad, and...you kind of have to laugh, because it's so horrible that you won't recover from watching it if you don't.
Commercials. If you didn't notice that BP was a sponsor, you might have wondered why there was a lingering shot of the BP sign when somebody stopped for directions earlier. Not cool, that development.
Anyway, when we come back, we rewind just enough to see Rolly bonk into the building again, and then we see that the buggy, fortunately enough, rolls right over Mama Weaver with her between the wheels. You know...that kind of was a pretty close call, there. The buggy crashes, and one of the girls announces, "The brake did not work!" I actually suspect that what happened was that they got overexcited about trying to go fast, and they put on the brake far too late. One of the EEFPs pointed out that with steel wheels instead of rubber tires, you cannot stop as quickly. In an interview, Rebecca sort of starts to fall apart talking about how she would have felt if her mother had been crushed by the buggy, and her mom breaks in and says, "But I'm not, and we're fine." Which is exactly the right move. Good on you, Mama Weaver.
The Aiellos come by, and they seem to be able to operate their buggy, including brakes. Bum brakes on the Weaver Wagon? Hard to say. But it seems to have been undone by the accident, so the Weavers give up and head back to do Build. The Gaghans are passed by the retreating Weavers, who warn them of the hill and to check the brakes, a warning the Gaghans take to heart. Meanwhile, the Weavers start building.
The Bransens are looking for the farm. Elsewhere, the Schroeders and Rogerses are together, and lost. Mark gets out of the car and saunters up to the open window to tell Denny that they need to turn around and go back. That can't be fun. The Linzes, meanwhile, are cruising toward Mount Joy. The GabbleGabbleGabbleskis are at the sign for Mount Joy itself, so that can only be good. And guess what? They're all talking at once. Gabble gabble gabble!
The Blacks are accompanied by the same semi-competent funk that the Godlewskis were sporting earlier. As for Mama Paolo, she kills a bug. This causes her to refer to herself as "feisty," meaning that the word "feisty" has officially lost all meaning. Linz, Bransen, and Godlewski pull into the farm at essentially the same time. The Linzes go for the buggy, while the Gadzookskis go for the Build. The teams high-five, which seems a little...much with the fraternizing, but okay. As the Linzes run toward the buggies, one of the boys yells, "It's all about the bis and the tris for the ladies!" And that is definitely not okay. I know they ordered me to find them hilarious; I'm just not sure I can oblige. And if you can't get me with a joke about your great giant arms, you know you have a serious problem with the rest of the viewing public. The Bransens pull their clue and choose Build. Elsewhere, the Weavers are nearly finished building.
Megan and Tommy (I think) get into the Linz buggy, so that would mean that...Nick and Alex are pushing? I think so. Anyway, whoever is in the buggy with Megan now farts, which she laughs at even while saying how gross it is. I need an extremely small quantity of fart humor in a given season, so I really hope this isn't a theme with these people. ["…Hee, farts." -- Sars]
The Aiellos are still dragging their buggy. As they push, the Gaghans with their lightweight munchkins approach from behind. "There they are!" Billy says, pointing out the side. The Gaghans continue trucking, and as they approach, Billy starts singing, "She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes, yee-ha!" It's sort of so awful that it makes me laugh a little bit, and at least it's not some damn Eminem song or something else completely age-inappropriate. At least the kid knows some camp songs. Carissa takes up the song, and the kids happily sing as they...pass the stalled Aiellos, who have stopped for a rest. "That's embarrassing," remarks an Aiello. Hee. Indeed. There is a brief discussion of the fact that while the Gaghans are strong, they're also capitalizing on the fact that unlike the boat-paddling, this favors the teams with smaller people. I thought it was pretty clever, this bit -- you'll never make a task not favor either, say, the Aiellos or the Gaghans, so you can only come up with some that favor one and some that favor the other.
The Weavers finish their little watermill, and the Gadzookskis are making good progress as well. The Black family arrives at the farm. They pull the clue and choose the Build.
As Papa Gaghan pulls the buggy, he remarks, "I'm glad I'm not a horse." And that was today's Deep Thought, brought to you by Papa Gaghan. As the Gaghan buggy turns around to head back, the kids admire some nearby goats. They pass the Aiellos on the way back, and the teams still look to be close. "Don't give up!" says one of the kids. "You're almost to the turnaround!" And...it sounds so obnoxious, but it's one of those things that isn't meant to be malicious; the kid just doesn't get how he (I think it's Billy) sounds. And then Billy gets very serious and says, "Mom, Dad, I'm wicked proud of you. I'm sorry I couldn't contribute." Hee. That's Billy's Very Serious Voice. I hope you enjoyed it. Carissa did, especially when she pipes up, "Get used to it, dork." She can sit right to me.
The Schroeders park at the Detour. They choose Build, as Char comments, "One-point-five miles is a long-ass way." They're followed closely by Team Rogers, which also chooses to Build. And at long last, the poor Paolos finally arrive at the Detour. "It's the Jersey team!" someone remarks, trying to get the Sars boot in the ass as early as possible.
Team Linz is not doing well with the buggies. They're very concerned about the length of the course and how far they already have -- or haven't -- traveled. They're beginning to think that building the little house might have been easier. Yep. It sure might have.
Commercials. I love any movie that has a trailer beginning, "Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance." I truly believe that the part of Honey where she invents dance moves based on watching kids play basketball is one of the great moments in modern American film, so I'm all about the Jessica Alba oeuvre.
When we return to the Trials Of Team Linz, the boys doing the pulling are bent-over and miserable. The Weavers, meanwhile, finish their building and get a clue to head to the pit stop. Phil explains that this requires them to drive to a farm with two big blue silos. Last to the mat "will be eliminated."
The Godlewskis and Bransens make progress with their buildings. Watching the Paolos work on their building is basically like watching them do anything else -- you just want it to be over so you can do...any other activity. At all. Including washing dishes while fire ants chew on your ankles. The Godlewskis are the to finish their building, and they get the pit stop clue. Good show, ladies. Of course, there is lots of hollering.
Team Gaghan completes the buggy course. Carissa is happy to see that nobody finished this Detour option yet except for them. They're all happy to get to the finish and get their clue. They run for their Yukon. "If we win, I'm going to be so excited," Carissa says in the car. "You're telling me," her dad agrees.
Team Bransen finishes the building and gets the pit stop clue. They're off.
Team Aiello is finished with the buggy at last. They grab the pit stop clue, very relieved that this is the last thing they have to do.
The Linzes are just at the turnaround. Suddenly, farting brother (Tommy, I believe) declares that he has to puke. For a guy who's not doing diddly, he certainly is making his presence felt. It's like bodily functions are his entire identity. One of his brothers tells him to take deep breaths and relax, but he declares that no, he'll be throwing up, thank you. He bails out of the buggy and hurls on the ground. They take off again. Well, at least he weighs less now, probably.
In the Weaver vehicle, they agree to never do a strength-based task again. Well, that'll be no problem. It probably won't come up again. The Godlewskis are getting a little bickery with the driving directions, but it's still yelling, so they seem entirely comfortable. In the Gaghan car, meanwhile, Tammy and Bill are congratulating each other on how well they did, and she's happy to have gotten the "good butt workout." Heh. The Godlewskis? Still yelling. Mama Weaver is asking God to take them to the blue silos. "In Jesus' name, find it," she says. (Yes, I know. But Jesus and Moses are exceptions. Seriously, don't email me.) The Gaghans talk about how exciting it would be to be in first place. "That would be so cool," Tammy says. Carissa is a Phil fan, and knows just how it would sound: "Gaghan Family," she says, "you're team number one." Her mother talks about how cool that would be. "I bet that dream will come true," Carissa says woozily. Aw! She is completely precocious, but she's going to grow into all of it. I think she's going to be fine. ["Her parents could stand to remind her that it only really counts on the last leg." -- Sars]
The Godlewskis are gabbling as they drive up to the farm. They all run to the mat. Guess what? The gabblers are team number one. No, really. Unbelievable. They really did come from nowhere, because it's not like they were leading very often. I think they've put together a lot of toys for their kids, and it paid off with the watermill assembly. My sister is great at that kind of thing now, too, having assembled about four million tiny parts into about four thousand different toys. Unsurprisingly, as they get to the mat, they're shrieking the entire time. Phil tells them that for winning the leg, they've also won $20,000. I do not approve. Phil then asks the gabbler in the blue shirt where her pink shirt is, and she answers that the pink shirts were getting ripe. On the second day? Ha! Newbie. Phil asks them whether they always make this much noise. And then he scratches his nose in a secret gesture intended only for his close personal friends. It means: "Oh my God."
The Weavers and Gaghans are approaching the silos. The two teams drive toward the pit stop. "They are not going to win," Rebecca remarks with surprising vitriol as she unbuckles her seatbelt. "Carissa," Bill says, "we need wheels on you, girl." Carissa looks excitedly, happily out the window. She loves wheels. The Weavers and Gaghans pull into the pit stop with the Weavers in the lead. They run for the mat. "Carissa, wheels!" her mom yells -- not mean, just excited. Rolly actually gets to the mat first, but Bill is . Then Tammy, then Billy, and then -- swept up by her mom as she hits the mat -- Carissa. So the Gaghans beat out the Weavers. I think the Gaghans are just lovely, and there's just something about Carissa, who I find to be -- and I know opinions have differed vehemently -- utterly un-self-conscious in this particular way. I love how she peers out the window like she absolutely cannot wait for whatever they're going to do, I love how she tears from one place to another, I love how she finds things like hammering stakes that she's not too little to do, and then she wants to do them all day long. I love that her parents think she's so cool, and I love that she came in a t-shirt and running pants, and I love that she doesn't care what her hair looks like or if her bandanna falls down around her neck. And I'm happy they beat the Weavers, whom I am still making up my mind about. Much will depend with all of these teams on how they react when things go wrong -- the kids especially -- but I'm optimistic.
Anyway, the Weavers land as team number three, which is still damn good. It doesn't really matter, after all -- team number two, team number three.
The Bransens are driving around. One of the girls comments that she's inclined to "poop [her] pants" from nervousness. Really, Tonya!
The Rogers house is coming together. The Blacks are working on theirs, too. And the Paolos? Fighting. Of course. The Schroeders are looking madly for bolts. The Rogers family finishes the Detour and takes off. And guess what? The Linzes, who arrives with the Gadzookskis, are still pushing the damn buggy. That was a painful decision.
Blacks, Paolos, Schroeders, building.
Commercials. Have you gotten the TAR1 DVD? I haven't. I'll get around to it.
When we come back, the Schroeders fix a wedged bolt, finish, and get on their way in seventh place. The Paolos yell at each other -- DJ is yelling at his mother, specifically -- right up until the very last moment, and then they finally get their wheel done and get moving. I just want them to...be quiet. "I wish you would stop intentionally being annoying," Brian tells his mother in the car. It's not often I wish someone would backhand a kid, but these kids really could use it. I don't care what your dynamic is -- I don't trust guys who talk to their mothers this way. They will talk to their girlfriends and wives this way, too. It's totally unacceptable, no matter how irritating their mother is -- and she is very irritating. "What a family. Boy, let me tell you," Mama Paolo says, suddenly looking genuinely unnerved at how much her own sons are willing to humiliate her on television. As they drive, DJ angrily calls his mother a "pain in the ass." "A lot of this is unnecessary," Mama Paolo says, more quietly than usual. But then she has to go on the following TMI rant: "Really, Tony, it's been a lifetime of this, and I'm getting fed up with it." She starts to cry as they go back to hollering at her. "You guys are really embarrassing," she says, "and I'm getting fed up with it." Brian comes back, "I don't care if I'm embarrass-- you embarrass me all the time!" She leans over toward Tony. "Your son doesn't know when to shut up. So you're to have a good heart-to-heart with him, or things are going to change. And I'm serious. I've had it." First episode, folks. This is casting, not having learned the lesson of Jonathan and Victoria at all, and I'm very disheartened to see that they didn't learn that lesson. This is not fun, or entertaining, or amusing. This is a very fucked-up family, to have a 16-year-old boy berating his mother to the point of tears and not even flinching. Just...upsetting. Not fun. I really hope we can be rid of them soon, because most of the rest of these people are unobjectionable.
The Black family works on their house. The Linz family takes the buggy over a bump.
The Bransens approach the pit stop. The Aiellos are stuck in traffic. "This is incredibly nerve-wracking for a Boston driver," one of the SILs says. Heh.
And the Rogers family finds its way to the pit stop. Welcome, Rogers family, you are team number four. The Schroeders land on the mat as team number five.
Paolo yelling. I'm too tired already to keep telling you how bad it is. It's very bad, is all. They finally finish sixth, and now they act all happy. Of course, they say in an interview that now, everything is fine. That does not matter. You do not make your mother cry, and when you see your mother cry, you don't keep being mean to her. It's a rule. There are a few of those in life, and that is one of them.
The Linz crew is still in the damn buggy.
The Black family needs a bucket of water to run through its watermill, so they send Austin off with a bucket. As he gamely crawls down near the muddy stream, he pitches forward until he's on his hands and feet in one of those really awkward positions where you feel like if you move, you'll fall all the way into the water. So he calls out for his mom and dad to help him out. Heh. He's pretty distraught, so as Reggie stands over him, he says, "These things happen, okay? You're good." He pulls him out. "Good job." And he just swings the kid around like a doll, half because it's fun and half because Austin weighs about eight pounds, and then Reggie plunks him down on his feet and gives him a swat on the butt. And that's why Reggie and Kim have kids who aren't going to grow up with complexes.
The Bransens finally spot the silos, and they land on the mat as team number seven. Now, the Aiellos, who have bled time at several points on the leg, come in as number eight. I like these guys, I think. There's a lot of love there -- a certain very guy-like, family kind of love that isn't really on television enough. You see a lot of parents and little kids, you see a lot of women in friendships, you see a lot of romances -- you don't get a lot of adult men in families who love each other unless they're, like, cads who are brothers or something. I dig them, too. Phil asks Tony whether "the boys" are "worthy of being in the family." Tony pauses. "So far, so good," he says. Hee.
The Black family happily finishes their house and takes off. The Linz family approaches the end of the buggy course at last, and Megan comments that there are only two families left -- theirs and the Blacks'. Both families pile into their Yukons. The teams wish each other luck as they get in, which again seems to indicate a certain softness to the racing, but also seems appropriate when one of the teams has little kids on it. If people are feeling an instinct to set an example, I'm not sure that's a bad thing, even if it makes the race look a little too polite.
Linzes and Blacks on the way to the pit stop. They're following each other at first, but then they break apart and take different routes. In the Linz car, Megan isn't sure they did the right thing, because she thinks they should have just stayed with the other team. "That's right, we're not about supporting each other," Nick says from the front (I think). "We're also not about listening to each other," Megan says pointedly. I have a feeling she gets outvoted a lot.
Blacks and Linzes. The tension mounts. We see both teams pull into the pit stop and run. And then, running up to the mat, it's...the Linzes. Booooo! I actually booed out loud in the basement of M. Giant's house, which I figured meant that at least I cared, which is more than I can say for some other opening legs. I didn't dislike the Linzes on second viewing as much as on first viewing, but I still am very suspicious of the boys in particular. The Linzes high-five each other, and Phil rags them about getting beaten by children.
Speaking of children, but not of beating the Linzes, here come the Blacks. And Phil Philiminates them, and that's just...not fun. Austin stares ahead severely. "You know, sometimes you win and sometimes you don't," Reggie says, "but as long as you give your best effort, you can feel like I'm feeling right now. I'm very proud of my family, and nobody quit. I'm sad, but I'm not disappointed." Interesting distinction. Mama Black strokes Austin's head. "And I can never be disappointed in my family," Reggie continues. Phil offers special condolences to the kids. "This is tough on anybody, doesn't matter how old you are," he says. "But to know that your mom and dad are proud of you, does that mean a lot?" Kenneth nods seriously. Phil grins and proceeds to say exactly the right thing to Kenneth, for which I will love him forever: "And you looked after your brother pretty well, I understand." This is precisely, exactly what Kenneth needs, to be snapped back into big-brother mode rather than little-sad-kid mode. "He kept up running with us and never gave up," Kenneth says more brightly. Phil tells them they should be proud, and that their parents are proud. Reggie agrees. Mama Black interviews that the race let them see their kids "step out" and do great things. Reggie still says it was the "experience of a lifetime." Awwww.
Verdict? This isn't the season I would have chosen, but I enjoyed it. Except for the Paolos, who are another very frustrating casting breakdown, in my eyes.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: A Civil War battle. The Paolos get worse. Oh, that'll be fun. The GabbleGabbleGabbleskis carry a stretcher. Wally's weakness imperils the Tonyas.