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Wait, am I high, or did that really happen?
Okay, this two-hour extravaganza starts out in South Africa, where Ray and Deana gut out a Fast Forward and Rob and Amber chase it in vain, putting the latter in the back of the pack temporarily. A Detour sends a couple of teams through a fairly cushy scavenger hunt and sends the rest into a cave, where Gretchen manages to fall and cut her head. And as head wounds do, it bleeds a lot, which is pretty scary. Ray and Deana win that leg, and win cars, which will bother me endlessly, and the injured Gretchen and Meredith pull up in last place. Fortunately, it's non-elimination, which seems kind of good, since medical emergencies are not a good way for victory and defeat to be decided. Oh, and they take all of Gretchen and Meredith's stuff, which seems kind of harsh.
In the second leg, the teams head to Botswana, where the stupidity of the nonsense between Lynn and Alex and Rob and Amber only intensifies, and all are reminded that alongside Rob's appealing streak of Playful Scamp exists a very unappealing streak of Sniggering Asshole that has a particular tendency to come out when things aren't going so well.
And then it gets awesome. Brian and Greg wreck their Jeep, resulting in a pretty scary injury to their camera guy (that's not what's awesome). Lynn and Alex, to their credit, stop to see if they can help, and then Rob and Amber, to their non-credit, don't -- they at least should have slowed down and rolled the window down or something. They don't, however, and so Lynn spends the rest of the episode telling everyone who will listen that the boys wrecked their car, but THAT'S NOT REALLY THE IMPORTANT THING, because the important thing is that ROB AND AMBER DIDN'T STOP. Basically, everyone is an idiot about this particular thing. But that's not the awesome part either. The awesome part is that the boys have to wait around a long time for a replacement Jeep to come, but when they get to the Detour, they find that some teams are still there, including Ray and Deana, who apparently cannot work together long enough to complete a simple task, so intense is their dislike for each other. The teams finish different Detour options at about the same time, and they take off for the pit stop within sight of each other. Jeep race! And then they're at the pit stop, and they get out, and Brian and Greg smoke Ray and Deana in the foot race, and Brian and Greg are saved and Ray and Deana are eliminated and I think I need to lie down. That was the awesome part. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on I've Been Through The Roadblock On A Horse With No Shame: Everyone raced to Buenos Aires, where a horse dumped Joyce on her fanny repeatedly, and another horse suffered the Wrath of Ray, making it the ugliest rode-hard-and-put-away-wet being on the show, other than Deana herself. (Oh, I didn't want to, but I couldn't not.) The lead teams were so delighted that Rob and Amber missed their flight that they were slightly unprepared for the part where Rob and Amber didn't actually miss their flight. Gloating and grousing ensued. Ray and Deana thought they were a lot better than everyone else, and certainly weren't going to hang with any bottom-feeders just because they've seen nothing but asses in front of them (and not just in the mirror -- har har!) since practically the beginning of the race. Susan and Patrick argued to the point of Un! Comfortable!, and ultimately were Philiminated just in time for group. No, seriously. Seven teams are left. Who will go ?
Credits. I miss Ryan and Chuck. It's an awfully long road without a team that specializes in saying stuff like, "I don't know whuuut." [BOMP.]
Commercials. You know, they really should give you a backrub when they change your oil. That would be awesome. I might change mechanics, though. [Shudder.]
We return to Buenos Aires, which is the "economic and cultural center of Argentina." So put that in your weekly geography test, dummy. We are outside the city at a polo club, momentarily paused during this, a "racearoundtheworld." Phil wonders whether everyone else -- and by "everyone else," we mean "Lynn and Alex" -- will continue to bug out over Rob and Amber's good luck. He also wonders whether Meredith and Gretchen will be able to drag their fannies out of last place in time for the Early Bird Special. (And with that, Miss Alli makes her one allotted "Early Bird Special" joke of the season at the expense of the old people, qualifying her for her big moment at open mic night in the Catskills at the Candlelight Lounge, where the special will be veal Marsala.)
3:00 AM. Rob and Amber rip their clue, which tells them to fly to Johannesburg, South Africa. Phil explains that this is more than 5,000 miles, and when they land, they'll choose a marked car that has a clue inside. They are getting $217 for the leg, for what appears to be no particular reason, although whoever it was who used to be fascinated by palindromes has apparently retired as Race Banker. You'd at least think they could offer me a theme time. Maybe prime numbers? As they leave in a taxi for the airport, Rob says that he and Amber have had the angels on their side throughout the race up to this point, and "without it, [he doesn't] think [they'd] still be around." I hope you enjoyed that, because it was the last gracious thing you'll hear him say for the two hours.
3:38 AM. As Brian and Greg rip open their clue, Brian says, "All righty, I do believe today will be a doozy." I love them. LOVE them. I have never had any problems with anyone who can use the word "doozy" and mean it. They tend to be dorky squares, and I love dorky squares. Brian and Greg read the clue and get all pumped about going to South Africa, not that they're not generally sort of pumped individuals. They point out in a voice-over that they're the only team remaining in the race that isn't a Loooove Team. "So, we're hopefully going to see some self-destruct buttons going off in these relationships," Brian offers. And as Sars told you last week, he? Is a fox. It's Brian, though, not Greg. Greg's the kind of doughy one who's probably equally awesome, but slightly less hot. I apologize for the trouble that remark will cause at family gatherings, where I frankly think this is a family that will buy Greg a shirt that says "DOUGHY" on the back or something. ["I wouldn't kick him out of bed, either. They're both rad." -- Sars] They take off in their cab.
Rob and Amber arrive at the airport and go inside. Rob asks a nice lady about a flight to South Africa, and he learns that Varig has the earliest flight, and it will connect through Sao Paolo. (Which I am careful to spell correctly, as I spelled it incorrectly before, and received copious emails from the Sao Paolo Spelling-Related Defense Fund, understandably enough.) They get tickets to Johannesburg, leaving at 10:55 AM and arriving in Johannesburg the day at 6:55 AM. And their ticket lady lets them carry their bags on. Meaningful And Moderately Ominous Soundtrack: "Ding!"
Brian and Greg stroll into the airport. They get tickets on the same flight. "We're golden," they say.
5:49 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. They are mighty happy about heading for Johannesburg. Uchenna says that they "have a plan to have more faith in [their] instincts." They leave in their taxi, and she's literally jumping up and down over how excited she is. I begin to suspect that they are here just so I can be really sad at their eventual Philimination, because they're that cute.
6:05 AM. Ron and Kelly. They rip the clue and get in a cab. They debate in their "Oh, why do I have to have an opinion? I had an opinion last time" kind of way whether to go to a travel agency, but ultimately, they decide to just head for the airport. Kelly reveals that this is the longest time they've ever spent together, so apparently, they are long-distance also. Or else it means that they just met, which -- hey, I know somebody who's advanced that theory in the past.
6:11 AM. Lynn and Alex. I do briefly love Alex for having a purple do-rag on his head, because not everyone is brave enough for that. "Don't step in the horse poo-ey!" Alex calls out as they run from the mat. So we've got partners caring for each other -- maybe that's something to build on. Lynn tells us that the two of them are having a wonderful and awesome time, but of course, they're here to win. The most vapid comment the show has seen, probably, since the "I look forward to being underestimated" cracks we've seen in the past from self-proclaimed "underdogs."
Uchenna and Joyce and Ron and Kelly get to the airport. They get tickets on the same flight as everyone else, but unfortunately, they get very unlucky and hit a ticket lady who forces them to check their backpacks. Man, that lady handles my issues at the airport every time, I swear. Lynn and Alex arrive, and they do not get the mean ticket lady, so they are able to carry on.
9:20 AM. Ray and Deana. Ray says that they're aware that they have to get up to the front, and that they can't stand being in the back. He has actually already said that a few times, so you may already have been aware.
9:35 AM. Gretchen and Meredith are pretty perky about flying to South Africa as well. They talk as they get into their cab about how much it sucks to always be eating everyone else's dust. And then we are at the airport, and Ray and Deana are getting tickets, and Ray is talking about how much he hopes Gretchen and Meredith get a flat tire. I would make a joke here about wishing harm on the elderly if I weren't secretly afraid this week that I accidentally put a hex on the Pope. It's a really long story. ["Line forms to the left." -- Sars] Anyway, sadly for Ray, Gretchen and Meredith reach the airport safely and get on the flight. Maybe Ray can hope they'll be injured later in the leg. (Cough.) The teams note at the departure gate that they're all bunched up. Rob notes that obviously, he and Amber are not thrilled about the loss of their lead, but it's a what-are-you-gonna-do situation, so. The door of the plane closes. The Amazing Yellow Line follows the teams toward Johannesburg via Sao Paolo. On the plane, Ray is talking to the crew about getting off the flight first. Apparently, he gets them to let him sit in first class, which will get him out the door sooner. It also lets us see Ray and Deana relaxing in a non-combative fashion for one of only a few times in the entire race.
Johannesburg. Ray and Deana, Lynn and Alex...everybody comes off the plane, and the early disadvantage goes to Uchenna and Joyce and Ron and Kelly, who have to go to baggage claim and wait for their checked backpacks to appear.
In their car, Ray and Deana rip the clue and find themselves a Fast Forward. As Phil explains, there are only two on the whole race. And only one team can get the FF, so if more than one team goes for it, the first ones to get it will get it, and everybody else will have to pick up where they left off. Let's face it -- you probably know the drill. Phil does dish up a nice "most advantageous to go for it," so that makes me all kinds of happy, as we know. On this particular Fast Forward, you drive 26 miles to Soweto and go to the top of a cooling tower, where you cross a suspension bridge. Alex and Lynn open the clue , and this is where it is explained that for those not selecting the Fast Forward, the step will be a Detour. In this Detour, the choices are Tunnels and Tribes. In Tunnels, you drive about 50 miles to some underground caves, rappel 45 feet down, and "search the underground labyrinth for a clue." Dramatic! In Tribes, you drive 40 miles to a cultural village and complete a task that involves taking "traditional items" and delivering them to each of five tribal chiefs. Potentially wacky! Lynn and Alex think that Tunnels sounds kind of hard (heh, me too), so they go with Tribes. Elsewhere, Ray is getting directions to Soweto for the Fast Forward. Alex and Lynn almost immediately need directions, and then in their car, Lynn says that he's so happy that Johannesburg is "a real city," because he was afraid that it would be "chickens and camels and whatever." Yeah. He thought the capital of South Africa wouldn't be a "real city," but would be "chickens and camels." Not the most culturally sensitive commentary I've ever heard. It's hard to offend urban planners, nongovernmental organizations, and chickens with one remark.
Ray and Deana start out for the Fast Forward, and Deana almost immediately has difficulty with the gears. Back at the airport, Rob and Amber get into their car and decide to go for the Fast Forward, which is not great thinking. When you know there are some teams out ahead of you (which you could know from counting cars), I don't think it's the right move to go for the FF, because the consequences of not getting it really suck.
Gretchen and Meredith decide that rappelling will be "easy," so they take that one, dragging the imps of irony behind them on little invisible leashes. When Brian and Greg get out to their cars, they take Tunnels, too. And they have a great "du-u-ude, I'm in South Africa!" moment that totally rocks. Back at baggage claim, Uchenna and Joyce and Ron and Kelly are still waiting for their bags. Ouch. Ron and Kelly's come off first, so they scoot, leaving Uchenna and Joyce all alone at the back of the pack. Ron and Kelly go toward Tunnels as Uchenna and Joyce stew.
Commercials. Is Target really the key to having it all? I wouldn't have thought of that.
The airport. Uchenna and Joyce. They are still waiting for those checked bags, which finally arrive, to their great relief (and mine). They run for a car, and they decide to go for Tunnels. Before they go, they head inside to get a map, and they talk about how excited they are to be in Africa. I'm tempted to yell at them to get out and not bother with the map, but I have absolutely no sense of direction myself, so on the assumption that they may be as inept as I am (not that this is easy), I let it go this time.
Ray and Deana and Rob and Amber are both looking for the cooling towers where the Fast Forward is. Rob says in the car that some other teams may have gone for it, and he and Amber may have "burnt [their] bridge already." Ray tells Deana, elsewhere, about how much guts it takes for them to do this, and she tells him she's afraid they'll miss it and come in last. Rob and Amber are still asking directions, and then they find someone who agrees to lead them. But the first team to find the cooling towers is Ray and Deana, and they get the first number to head up. Ray and Deana are suited up, and then they're raised up the side of the tower. Wow. There's not anything to hang onto, either. I would find that completely terrifying, I have to say, if only because there isn't anything to put your hands on. I don't know if I could actually make my legs do that. At any rate, Ray goes first.
Lynn and Alex pull into a gas station to ask directions to the cultural village. As they head for the village, they review what they're supposed to do, and then we see them pull in and Lynn refer to the first person they see as "so scary." I'm not sure what makes him scary other than the fact that he's dressed in an unfamiliar fashion, but...all right. They take an item. When they get to the first chief, he responds to their offered item by sort of jerking a spear at them momentarily. Wow. "Is that a no?" Lynn asks. HA! Awesome. He does try to read social clues, people. Ultimately, Lynn and Alex find the right place to deliver that clue, and they go off for the one.
Brian and Greg try to find a nice person to ask directions, but when they tap on a woman's window, she apparently has read The Gift of Fear and won't respond. Good on you, lady. You don't make yourself accessible to every stinky stranger just because he asks you. They and Ron and Kelly are both still hunting around for directions, and Uchenna and Joyce are finding it very difficult.
Rob and Amber get to the towers and notice that there's already someone up top doing the walk. Ray is indeed making his way across as Rob and Amber approach. When they get there, they're informed of the fact that somebody is already up there, and that if that team gets it, they'll be screwed. They decide to hang around in the hopes that the other team will bail out of this "very scary" Fast Forward, as Amber puts it. Not a good call, like, at all. It's very unlikely that that will happen. Indeed, Ray is just finishing up the walk, so all that's left is Deana. Ray tells us it's "the scariest thing [he's] ever done." In the spirit of togetherness, I'm sure he's determined to make it just as scary for Deana.
Brian and Greg get directions toward the tunnels. Speaking of which, Ron and Kelly are the first team to get there. Shortly thereafter, Brian and Greg arrive. So now, both of these teams are setting up to spelunk. Kelly gives a sarcastic thumbs-up as she says that her pageant training is really helpful at moments like this. Heh. The boys, meanwhile, talk about how "spelunking" is just a great word all around. I feel the same way about "fluctuate." By the way, have I mentioned my abiding love for them, and how bad I feel about having ever acted like they would make bad imaginary boyfriends? Because I feel really bad.
Rappelling down into the tunnel follows. As it turns out, there are some very narrow passages down there that the teams have to squeeze themselves through. And it's dark. And cave-like.
Up at the Fast Forward, Deana is starting out across the bridge, and Amber and Rob are talking about how they're probably screwed, but they feel like they've kind of committed, so they might as well see if it works out for them. Rob asks her if she thinks there's a decent chance the other team won't do it, and she says she doesn't think so, really. He asks her whether she thinks that they should leave right now, and he tells her she should decide. Up top, Deana takes small steps. At the bottom, Rob presses Amber to make the call about staying or going. "I'm asking you to make the decision," he says. "Can you do that? Just tell me yes or no." She hesitates. We leave Deana half-frozen at the top of the towers. And Amber half-frozen at the bottom. Not a great moment for the women of the lead teams.
Commercials. Is Yes, Dear still on? Really? I swear somebody told me that was cancelled. I think I suffer from a case of learned blindness with regard to that show. Is it on? Is it off? Is it being taped in my living room? I do not see!
Deana continues across the bridge. Ray tells her that she's almost done, and once she finishes, word reaches Rob and Amber that the Fast Forward is gone, so they have to get in the car and head for the Detour. Ray and Deana see that someone is leaving, and they notice that it's Rob and Amber. "They're in trouble," Ray says. Rob and Amber decide to head for the Tribes Detour, because it's closer, allegedly. Ray and Deana, meanwhile, get to skip all tasks and go to the pit stop, which is at an overlook down the street from where Nelson Mandela used to live. They take off, and she continues to struggle with the stick shift. "I have so much more faith in you than you have in yourself," Ray says dismissively. "You could do so much more than you give yourself credit for." That's the kind of warm encouragement that all chicks love, by the way. Try it on your girlfriend! Carry ibuprofen, though, because broken jaws are very painful.
Lynn and Alex finish with another item, and then they miss on one. And then they bring the same guy a different item, and in my favorite moment of this sequence, the guy gives them an angry, serious look, and then he breaks into the rich, Uncola-Man laugh, "Ha-ha-ha," and he accepts it. Best laugh ever, that guy. Pretty stagy, but I still laughed.
Rob and Amber decide to duck into a hospital that they spot and ask for directions. In an interview, Rob grins that they figured they could get a much-needed psychiatric evaluation while they were at it. Heh. When they get into the clinic, a woman recognizes Amber and gives her a big hug. They explain in their interview that as great as it was to meet all these fans, they had trouble conveying that they were sort of in a hurry. They do manage to land directions, and they get on their way. Amber talks about how people sometimes do help them out because they recognize them and feel like they know them. I think she rather underestimates people in a sense, though, because locals have certainly been giving directions to racers since forever, whether they recognize them or not. Furthermore, no other team had people coming in with preconceived notions of what they were like and what their strategy would be, either. Pluses and minuses, I think, but probably more pluses, I agree. It's not a perfect system.
Meredith and Gretchen are getting directions to the cave, and then Meredith seems to be a little baffled by the driving, probably in part because he's driving on the other side of the road, and Gretchen remarks that the rappelling can only be really easy, compared to this suck-ass experience. Oh, I suspect that's not true. Uchenna and Joyce are snagging directions, too.
Caves. Ron and Kelly are still looking for clues, as are Greg and Brian. One of the brothers says to the other, "If you can't handle me stuffin' you in a sleeping bag when you were little, and not lettin' you out..." Wow, they tied each other into sleeping bags? My respect for them grows by the minute. "This is so fun, dude," they add. We also see that Ron and Kelly have missed the fact that the clues are actually inside the cave, and are erroneously looking for them outside, once they've finished crawling through. They realize that they have to head back down, so they do.
Brian and Greg hunt around with their flashlights until they find a clue. It tells them to drive to Soweto, which Phil explains is "transforming into a vibrant city." They'll head to a market there. The boys go, passing Ron and Kelly and generally pointing them toward the clue, in return for which Ron and Kelly generally point the boys toward the exit. Ron and Kelly get their clue. Outside, one of the boys tells the other, "You look like Braveheart, dude." Hee. Oh, boys and the way they can turn anything back into a compliment: "Dude, you totally look like Mel Gibson."
Lynn and Alex finish Tribes and get their clue, directing them to the market in Soweto.
Meredith and Gretchen approach the cave. They get some safety instructions as they get suited up, and Gretchen merrily calls out, "I'll meet you down there!" And then, ominously, "Goodbye, cruel world!" I do wonder, from those remarks, whether she got careless or cocky in the cave. But that's not yet! Let's get there when we do. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching the cave, and they head down as Meredith and Gretchen are at the bottom.
Ray and Deana. Pit stop. Team number one. And they win cars. Gross. It's a good thing there are two cars, I think, because I'm not sure these people are going to be sharing their stuff for very long, in spite of their recent "engagement" announcement. I suspect one of the plugged-in reality-show lawyers is already working on her divorce agreement. In race-related news, Ray congratulates himself for how great he did today. Booooo!
Rob and Amber arrive at Tribes. They miss with the first item, but realize that they need to pay attention to what they see at each village, because that will tip them off as to what to take where. They get the one right. "So we see how we gotta do this, right?" Rob says.
Brothers and Ron and Kelly get directions to the market. Ron and Kelly get there first, and when they do, they bust open the clue and find a Roadblock. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, you find five items in the market for a local orphanage. (Aw!) The clue just asks who wants to shop, so Kelly takes it for her team. The items, for those of you who create Excel spreadsheets for this kind of thing, are a backpack, diapers, a shirt, a blanket, and a toy. Kelly goes out in search of a backpack, and she finds one with what looks like some kind of weird Tweety-Bird thing on it, and she pays two bucks for it. I wonder if that's counterfeit, if it's some other character, or if Tweety-Bird just got out of rehab.
Down in the cave, Meredith and Gretchen are looking for the clue, but having a rough go of it. They spot an arrow that marks the way through the cave. "Oh, my God, we might be getting out!" Gretchen says with relief. Meanwhile, Uchenna notes that the passageway in the cave is so narrow that he's not even sure he can wriggle through. "This is horrible," he says. He's also afraid they might be lost, and is sort of thinking they should have done Tribes. Yeah, I do think Tribes was faster in this particular case. They fooled you by making it seem like the rappel was the reckless in a Reckless/Chicken Detour, and that's always the right call. But here, it seemed like it was just slow.
Speaking of which, here are Rob and Amber, delivering a pipe to one of the chiefs. They get another of their necklaces. They grab a bowl to take to another on of the chiefs. Rob shakes the chief's hand and says, "Have a nice day." Not original, but better than "see you in the funny papers" or something equally him. All done, they turn in their necklaces and receive their clue, sending them to the market. Rob exchanges a pretty endearing low-five with the chief before they head out.
Lynn and Alex run into a gas station for directions to the market. Alex continues to be the diplomat of the group as he graciously thanks the gas station guy. I think it's mostly Lynn I don't like, now that I think of it. Why didn't I come up with that before now?
Brian and Greg, for whom my love grows moment to moment, arrive at the market and note that Ron and Kelly got there ahead of them. "Gosh, we suck," someone notes. (I can tell them apart by appearance now, but I'll be damned if I have any idea, ever, who's talking if I don't see a face.) They open the clue, and Greg takes it. One of my favorite parts of all is where he goes to buy the diapers, and the person asks if he wants small, medium, or large. "Uhh, medium," he says, and then shrugs, which is awesome and hilarious because you can tell that he has no clue how big diapers are or how big children are, but has learned the life lesson that when in doubt, you say "medium." That's how to make sure your steak doesn't stare up at you and also isn't essentially just an excuse to eat charcoal. Greg moves on. "Pick up some deodorant," Brian calls out. "We're running low!" Hee.
Kelly continues shopping. She picks out a blanket, and the guy who's with her, apparently guiding her through the market, takes her to the stop, looking for a toy.
Gretchen and Meredith emerge from the cave and start looking for their clue. Oy. They ask a guy outside, and learn from him that unfortunately, the clue is outside the cave and they will have to go back in. Zoiks. They are not happy. It's like when you get out of a really loud bar and realize you left your jacket. Never a good moment, especially since a lot of time, it's been spit on or "KICK ME" signs have been stuck to it, although that might just be my friends. Inside, Uchenna and Joyce spot the clues and take one. Meredith and Gretchen, meanwhile, resign themselves to heading back into the cave. "Don't be upset," he says to her. "All we can do is go get it now." As they go back down, Uchenna and Joyce are -- yay! -- emerging. They open their clue, which directs them to Soweto. They see Meredith and Gretchen heading down, and realize that they're not in last place at least, because that's going to take a few minutes.
Meredith and Gretchen return to the cave. They work their way down through the cave, and he warns her to watch her footing. And then there is the sound of slipping, and sounds of distress from Gretchen, and Meredith asking if she's all right, and his more panicked call of, "Are you okay, hon?", and her anguished holler. "Oh, honey," he says. And then he yells, "Hey, help us!" Wow, that's a little scary.
Commercials. Denny's will make you fatter before 9:00 AM than most people get all day.
When we return, assistance is heading into the cave to help Gretchen. "Help us, she fell!" Meredith calls. And then you see her -- Gretchen has a cut on her head, and as head cuts do, it's bleeding a lot, to the point where she has blood sort of smeared all over her face. Wow. They're trying to see how badly hurt she is, and she points out that she can see the fingers they're holding up just fine. Heh. "She fell so hard...scared the hell out of me," Meredith says. Aw. And then Gretchen takes time out from having her head wound treated to tell Meredith to go find the clue. Oh, man. Awesome. "Don't worry," she says. "I'm worried," he answers. "I've been wanting a face lift for a long time," she quips. Yeah, it's not brilliant, but under those circumstances, it's damn perky and impressive of her. And then she laughs, more for him than for herself. She asks the first-aid guy whether she'll need stitches, and he tells her she'll need one. A distraught Meredith explains how freaked he is while he looks for the clue. "Did you find it, hon?" she calls out as her head is bandaged. "I'm lookin'," he assures her. Gretchen certainly has some interesting priorities, in that she seems more worried about racing than making sure she isn't having a hemorrhage of some sort.
Kelly finishes shopping, with the help of her Fern. She returns to Ron and turns everything in. They give her the clue, which tells them to load all the items into their car and take them all to the Orlando Children's Home. Phil explains that this is about a five-mile ride to deliver the items, and they'll get their clue from the director of the orphanages. Ron and Kelly take off, as Kelly congratulates herself for her "mad shopping skillz."
Lynn and Alex pull up to the market and note the presence of Brian and Greg. "We can take those bitches," they note. Sigh. Greg buys a blanket with a dog on it, noting that the kids will love it, which is true. Lynn and Alex rip the Roadblock. "Who likes to shop?" Alex says. "You do." And then he pauses. "Will you...promise not to freak out?" Hee. Hey, even Alex worries. I think if Alex can worry, I can worry. At any rate, Lynn promises, and then he takes off in search of a toy. Greg brings back all their items, including what he tells us is a pair of WWF t-shirts. It's like they were scripted for me to find them irresistibly adorable. They get their clue, adding that it tells them they can't run at the Children's Home. Heh. They pile into their car.
Down in the tunnels, Meredith is still hunting for the clue. He finally finds it, and they emerge from the cave as Meredith tells her what a "trouper" (ahem) she is. He tells us that he was blown away by how tough Gretchen was, and that it showed him "what she's made of" when she just was focused on getting the clue, even after she was injured. Indeed, the sight of her emerging from the cave, holding his hand with blood all over the front of her shirt and her head bandaged, will make up for a lot of moments when I found her voice kind of irritating. They finally make it to their car, and in the back seat, she reviews the market clue and notes that she can't go to the market looking like this. Totally. People who have never seen her before and never will are going to believe that she's ill-groomed, and what will she do then?
Rob and Amber arrive at the Roadblock and find Alex standing there waiting for Lynn to get back. "Good luck," Alex says to Amber as she takes the Roadblock and leaves. "Thanks," she says back. And you get the feeling in that moment that these people would probably be capable of getting along with each other if their partners weren't engaged in an endless dick-measuring contest. Which, incidentally, is shifting week to week. (Double-entendre intended.) Lynn buys diapers; Amber looks for diapers.
Ron and Kelly pull up at the Children's Home. And there's a whole gaggle of kids sort of hanging all over a big jungle-gym thing, and they break into an enthusiastic cheer as Ron and Kelly arrive. Man. They go over and shake the kids' hands. Kelly grabs a hug. They head over to talk to the lady who apparently runs the place, and she gratefully takes their stuff, thanks them, and gives them the clue, as Kelly says she wishes they could "stay and play." Aw. The clue tells them to search Soweto for a street where Nelson Mandela used to live, and at the end of the street, there will be an overlook where the pit stop can be found. Phil tells us that the last team "may be eliminated." Of course, it's the first hour of a two-hour episode, so...I don't want to ruin the suspense, but...well, never mind. Anyway, Ron and Kelly leave the Children's Home after grabbing a few more high-fives, and Kelly tells us it's definitely her favorite thing they've done.
Brian and Greg see Ron and Kelly leaving as they pull into the Children's Home. Contrary to instructions, but in keeping with human nature, they jog into the yard, running in and slapping hands and generally being so awesome I almost have to lie down. They drop off their stuff with the Children's Home lady, and as they leave, Brian grabs a few more high-fives and says, "Stay out of trouble! Don't do drugs!" So adorably goofy. You know, I'm not sure I have any defense against this demographic either, but I'm not sure what demographic it even is. Goofballs? People who seem to be morons but turn out to be goofballs? Guys who are packaged in pairs? No idea. It's easier when the demographic in question has to do with guys in bands, because then you can just hate yourself.
Ron and Kelly are heading for the pit stop, and they're already parking. They run up to the mat and find that they're team number two. "I've seen you guys look cleaner," Phil says dryly. Heh. "Especially her -- look at her," Ron says. Heh. Wow, I bet that went over well in a few minutes when they were away from the cameras and she was digging her fingernail into his hand really hard just to make him cry.
Lynn returns to Alex to turn in their items. Rob continues to wait for Amber. "Not good," he says. Lynn and Alex read the Children's Home clue and get into their car. "Bye Rob bye Rob!" Alex says, and weirdly, even though he hates Rob, I didn't get the impression that that particular thing was supposed to be all that gloaty. I think he would play it more dismissively hands-off and less confrontationally bitchy than Lynn does, if left to his own devices.
"I need a toy," Amber says. Heh. There's something so amusingly blank about that cut.
As Brian and Greg pull into the pit stop, they note two cars, and they count them off that one of them will be whoever took the Fast Forward, and the other will be Ron and Kelly. They walk up to the mat and find out that indeed, they are team number three. Awwwwesome! They high-five.
The kids are playing ball in the yard when Lynn and Alex show up. They wave, but there is no touching. They turn in their items and wave on their way out.
Amber is shopping when she runs into a lady who says, "Hi, Amber!" The woman introduces herself as a fan, and Amber explains that this lady helped her out with finding the items -- much as, notably, the other guy seemed to be helping Kelly. They shop together for the backpack and the diapers, and then the rest of the stuff. Amber returns to Rob with their Fern. "Boston Rob, I'm so excited!" the lady says. Anyway, they read the Children's Home clue, and the lady they've just met agrees to ride along with them and show them the way.
Uchenna and Joyce are looking for the market. They check their map and keep going. Meredith and Gretchen are doing the same thing, getting market directions.
Lynn and Alex arrive at the pit stop and are checked in as team number four.
Uchenna calls it a "serious market" as they arrive, and apparently, Joyce is feeling a little grouchy, because she immediately says, "I don't want to; you do it." Uchenna takes off to do the shopping.
Rob and Amber show up at the Children's Home. They enter to the cheers of the kids, but again, there is no touching. They turn in their stuff for their clue. On the way out, though, a soccer ball gets kicked near Rob, and he can't resist, and stops to play with the kids for a minute. They get out and get in their car, and still with their Fern, who apparently had very little on her agenda today other than her trip to the market, they take off for the pit stop.
Uchenna finishes the shopping, and he and Joyce leave for the pit stop as well.
Gretchen takes the Roadblock for herself and Meredith, and she notes that if people see her coming, they just might "run the other way." It's all the blood, violence, and terror, you see. She approaches one guy for whom she makes a bit of a distressing game of charades out of a request for diapers, but he directs her and she gets on her way. He doesn't seem too shocked that there's an old lady with a head like a Q-Tip asking for diapers in his store. Gretchen makes her purchases as Meredith notes that he's pretty sure they're well behind at this point, but they're going on ahead anyway. Cranial trauma is no match for moxie, people.
Children's Home. Uchenna and Joyce. He's sure they're last, and he tells her so. She tells him not to get like that and be with the "negative energy." They're actually a little bit bickery as they approach the play yard, but then they run in and see all the little kids. And the cheering immediately makes them happy, because how could it not? "Wow," they both say in turn, and then they hug the Children's Home lady and get their clue. As they go, they call out to the kids and wave. They walk out, and Joyce interviews that it was "really special." And Joyce, because she's the kind of person who's capable of listening when the universe is talking to her, comments that seeing all those kids made her realize how many kids there are in the world who need somebody to take care of them. She mentions that they've considered adoption, and it sounds like maybe she's considering it a little more. Shots of adorable children! Oh, I can't take it. My heart wants to sing! Everybody had better stand back, seriously.
Gretchen returns to Meredith, half-apologizing for not being able to "get too many deals" on the shopping. Oh, man. You're bleeding from the head, lady; nobody expects you to haggle over a Tweetypack. They rip the Children's Home clue and take off.
Rob and Amber, still with their Fern, arrive at the pit stop and check in fifth. My favorite part is where Phil asks them the name of their Fern, and Rob quite nicely introduces her. He is such a weird dude -- he's capable of great graciousness to people other than other racers, and he's such a prick much of the time about game stuff. He baffles me, kind of, but I suspect he has a fairly common affliction in attention-seeking people, which is that he's blown right by the desirable characteristic of thinking it doesn't always mean you're wrong if people are unhappy with you, and he's wound up over in the land where other people disliking you is something to be proud of. Which, you know, it isn't. But he's happy with their Fern, at least. "She helped us out big time," says Rob of their friend, who is named (approximately) Talindele. He notes that this was probably their toughest day yet. Tougher than Meatblock day? Oh, right. They mostly sat around.
Meredith and Gretchen drop their stuff at the Children's Home and leave for the pit stop. They discuss whether they'll be eliminated, and conclude that unless somebody else is really lost, they've got to be in last place.
Maybe they haven't had the pleasure of six seasons of editing, but Meredith and Gretchen are the only ones in the room who don't know that comment will take us directly to the somewhat lost Uchenna and Joyce, who are having trouble with the part about searching the streets for the street where Mandela used to live. They're not seeing the pit stop. They're making a U-turn. But then before you know it, they are indeed running up to the mat and being checked in sixth. "I'm still chewing dirt from the caves," Uchenna comments. Nevertheless, he's excited to be in "the motherland," and Phil talks to them about how moving the orphanage was. Joyce cries -- not in the fakey-fake way, but in the really torn-up way -- as she talks about how sweet the kids were and how appreciative the lady was. "This has been the most special moment for us in the entire race," Uchenna says. It certainly was one of the most special moments in the race for the people who do the "week on" segment, for something that ultimately took fifteen seconds.
Meredith and Massive Head Wound Gretchen approach the mat. They check in and learn that they are the last team to arrive. BUT! The good news is that they are not Philimated, because this is a non-elimination leg. BUT! The bad news is that Phil, as usual, is going to take all of their money. AND! The even worse news is that there is a newly expanded non-elimination penalty. Said penalty is that not only are they pulling your money, they are pulling everything you have except your passports and the clothes you're wearing. Woooow. That sucks. "My God," they both say. Phil tells them that they'll be leaving with just their passports, and Meredith sort of tentatively tries to clarify whether they'll get their stuff back if they survive another leg, and Phil certainly makes it sound like they won't, though he's slightly vague on it. Phil tells them not to give up, and to their credit, neither of them hits him.
"All we have are each other now," Gretchen says. In their post-mat interview, Meredith says that they won't give up until they literally can't take one more step. They're pretty tough. Tougher than I originally thought.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer. Other half of episode? Still to come!
Commercials. Okay, I think the Diet Coke With Lime commercials are a little funny. Why can't I get Diet Coke with Lime in restaurants, anyway? I want my Diet Coke with Lime!
We rather joyously return to Soweto, which Phil explains has rather the troubled history, but is now "a vibrant city." And a pit stop. We watch footage of the teams arriving, like, ten minutes ago, and Phil wonders whether Ray and Deana can continue to achieve. If I really did believe I put a hex on the Pope, by the way, and I'm awfully sorry about the Pope, if you are a person who likes the Pope, but...anyway, whatever hex I may have put on him, I would love to modify for use against loser boyfriends generally.
10:41 PM. Ray and Deana. Boo! Their clue tells them to go and feed lions at the Rhino and Lion Nature Reserve. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll sign up for one of two shuttles and ride it into the reserve, where they'll feed some meat to the hungry animals. Two shuttles? Pfft. After the lions are fed, they'll get another clue. Ray and Deana leave, and Ray talks about how they intend to stay in first place, and how Deana is bad at handling stress. I wonder if that could possibly be related to how unbelievably badly he treats her. Crazier theories have been floated. He then says, "She needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents where I need them." Man, he is the best owner ever! He's going to have her in top condition once it's time to show her. They drive through the dark, and Deana isn't doing so well with the stick shift. Maybe she should have asserted her talents where he needed them in his ear, and really, those talents for that purpose could have consisted of a rolling pin.
12:39 AM. Ron and Kelly. Ron claims that of all the teams, they are in the best physical shape, and he smells blood in the water as some of the other teams seem to be "breaking down and having a little bit of trouble." Kelly says they're hoping they can "step it up a notch and maybe push the other teams out." Kelly claims in the car that they saw the sign for the Rhino and Lion thing yesterday, so they're just backtracking. Not that that's a metaphor for anything.
Ray and Deana arrive at the reserve, and they learn that the first shuttle doesn't leave until 8:00 AM, so that's going to do it for their lead they were determined to keep. Go figure. Ron and Kelly look out the window and see what is apparently lightning, which Ron immediately compares to "bombing downtown Baghdad." They're not really going to force me to make "bombing downtown Baghdad" jokes, are they? That's not even nice. I abstain. Anyway, they sign up second on the 8:00 AM shuttle.
1:03 AM. Brian and Greg. Brian: "Make your way home and give Mom a big hug, then eat all of her chicken enchiladas until you enter a food coma." Oh, man. A girl could pass out, that's so cute. I bet their mother adores them. They take off, as Brian laments that he's not exactly the best driver of all time.
1:24 AM. Lynn and Alex. Lynn, perhaps commenting on events yet to come in this episode, say, "Alex and I, we're people first and racers second." To his credit, Lynn adds, "Half of the prize is being here," and every racer I've ever liked has had that attitude, so there is at least that for Lynn and me to use as a shaky foundation for détente.
1:33 AM. Rob and Amber. As they leave the mat, Amber notes that the other teams don't really seem to like them very much, so that's how you know she's smart. She predicts that this situation will not improve. Is that...in spite of their efforts to make friends? Because if it is, I think they might need some work in that area. "Needless to say," Rob elaborates, "I don't think we're going to be getting any Christmas cards from these people." I suspect that's true. And then Rob mutters to Amber, "Meredith and what's-his-name get no money." Yeah. It's good to learn names. What is this, the fifth pit stop? Dude. Learn names. Just because yours is grunty doesn't mean you can't pay attention.
Brian and Greg find the nature reserve and sign up for the first shuttle, noting that the second one leaves an hour later. Lynn and Alex show up and sign up for the second shuttle.
2:20 AM. Uchenna and Joyce, Team Take Me Home With You And Let's Have Dinner, Yay! Joyce says that at the beginning of the race, their marriage was "really rocky." I'm telling you, these things are relative. She also says that she was especially heartened by the way they saw each other at the orphanage with the kids, which is awesome. It's the least conventionally romantic things that are the most romantic, you know? They leave.
3:51 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. He dryly notes their lack of funds. "One team has none. I wonder who they are." Heh. "All right, we go as far as we can go," he says, giving her a pat on the shoulder. Damn. You can immediately tell that they're wearing different clothes than they were yesterday. Gretchen interviews about being a "warrior" without "weapons," but frankly, as we said where I was watching this, at least they're traveling light, right? They're going to be the first off every flight, traveling with no stuff...all they have to do is wear the same clothes for couple of weeks. What are y'all, sissy? Anyway, Gretchen also says they're not that thrilled about putting their passports in a plastic bag. And she's happy to be alive. Well, that's nice.
Rob and Amber arrive at the reserve, as Rob wonders if that's "the gay guys" in front of them. Clearly, Rob has noted the humanizing effect that it has when you use people's names, and he is determined not to fall into its tricky paws. They sign up for the second shuttle. Uchenna and Joyce are having trouble finding the place, apparently, and Meredith and Gretchen actually beat them to the board. Ostrich! Zebras! Uchenna leans into Meredith and Gretchen's car, and Meredith says, "How do you like that shirt?" "It fits you well," Uchenna offers. "I don't quite fill it out, my man," Meredith laughs. Meredith explains in an interview that Uchenna and Joyce appeared at their door last night with some clothes so that they would at least have something to put on. Well, of course they did.
And now, the weird sequence in which Meredith and Gretchen borrow money from other teams. I always find this so weird, because...I don't know, clothes are one thing. Clothes, Uchenna and Joyce won't miss that much, and they can probably have back when Gretchen and Meredith aren't using them, even. But money? When you're competing, and you're being asked to directly cut into your funds for the express purpose of helping other people pay for trains and such and not be eliminated? It's just weird. Gretchen does a little routine for Brian and Greg in which she says, "We're starting the Save the Rhino fund...and that's no lion." Get it? "No lyin'"? Sigh. Anyway, Greg and Brian laugh generously, even though it's not funny, because it's the nice thing to do. Several of the teams give them a little money. Rob notes, "She's tough to look at all beat up like that," but he also says that he's not giving them money. "They're the biggest con artists goin'," he says, which I believe was a reference to the fact that they're getting all these other teams to give them money, which is a bit of a weird phenomenon, as I said. Elsewhere, Ray tells Meredith he might cough up a little bit of money later, but not right now before they know what they're going to need for the leg. Also perfectly fair, in spite of the fact that Ray is a dick. Speaking of Ray being a dick, he then says, "Meredith and Gretchen, to me, are sacrificial lambs. I want to see them be eliminated, and I don't want to help prolong this agony for them any longer. I'm just thinking of them." Huh. Well, if he thinks that's funny, it's not, and if he doesn't think it's funny, he's a psycho. Not a great set of choices.
The teams for the 8:00 shuttle are loaded. The guide is nice enough to tell them that even if a lion jumps into the shuttle, they should "freeze and do nothing." Now I ask you -- what are the odds that anyone would behave thusly in that situation? Ron and Kelly, Greg and Brian, and Ray and Deana get ready to take off with their hunks of meat at the ready, to be thrown into the gaping maws of the hungry lions. As the shuttle takes off, Ron comments, "If he jumps on me, Kelly, I'm throwin' him you." Hee. She fails to look amused, which makes her annoying. ["I know it's just me over here, but I'm telling you: Ron is kind of awesome." -- Sars]
Lions! The shuttle stops. Lions approach. The guide instructs the teams to throw the meat, which they do. It's kind of anticlimactic, provided you've ever seen lions eat. The shuttle goes back to the start, and the teams receive their clues. The clues tell them to fly 150 miles to Gaborone, Botswana. There, they'll get a train and then a bus, traveling 440 miles to the site of a giant aardvark statue. Huh. I guess Big Thing Roadside Attractions are universal. The three lead teams take off.
The 9:00 AM shuttle prepares to depart, and Joyce is excited, of course. "I don't know what they eat...hopefully not us," she remarks. Uchenna looks around suspiciously. Amber says, with a dash of humor that might be endearing if she displayed it regularly, "Just remember, remain calm if a lion jumps into the vehicle." "You wanted to sightsee," Alex says to Lynn. "I wanted to see giraffes," Lynn says, picking at his nails divinely, in a moment that weirdly makes me think just briefly that he and I should be friends. Rob notes that it reminds him of Jurassic Park. "What happened in that movie?" he asks rhetorically.
The second shuttle feeds the lions. Amber loves the animals. "I'm not making eye contact with anybody," Uchenna says. Hee. Meat is thrown. Lions eat.
POW and Pageant Queen arrive at the airport and park. They head inside and ask about flights to Gaborone, and they learn that the earliest flight that South African Airways has is at 1:35 PM, but Air Botswana has a flight at noon. Brian and Greg are the to show up, as Ron and Kelly snag noon tickets to Botswana. Greg and Brian do as well. Yay! I'm in love with them, incidentally. Have I said? Anyway. Ray and Deana head toward departures, and he's unsurprisingly bitching her out. They eventually get to the airport and get Botswana tickets on the noon flight.
The 9:00 AM shuttle teams get back and tear open their clues. Rob says something like, "Look for your clue at the aar-va-dark." One week: Hemingway. The week: Hooked On Phonics. Welcome to Boston Rob, people. Don't get whiplash. The teams pile into their cars. Amber and Rob decide to follow Lynn and Alex, with Amber making the highly karma-tempting comment, "Just let them do the hard work for us." She might as well have said, "Nothing can go wrong now!" Uchenna and Joyce do not follow, and they immediately realize it when everyone else...takes a wrong turn. When Lynn and Alex hit a toll booth, they ask for the airport and the lady tells them they have to turn back. We then watch as Meredith and Gretchen and Rob and Amber, all following like doofuses, go through the same cha-cha. Ask the toll booth lady, 1-2-3, turn around, 1-2-3. Not only that, but they've gone too far by about ten minutes, so it's no insignificant screw-up. That is some bad game play. It's actually worse play by the following teams than it is by Lynn and Alex for getting lost, because...lost is lost. Following is idiotic and lazy.
Uchenna and Joyce pull into the airport and get tickets on the noon flight as a reward for their intelligent racing, while the other teams do not make this flight, as a non-reward for sucking.
Because Lynn and Alex didn't get the word "Witbank" from the toll booth lady, they take the wrong exit on the way to the airport, while Meredith and Gretchen did, and don't, if you see what I'm saying. These two teams get their 1:35 tickets, and the suspense turns to Lynn and Alex, who quickly realize that they're lost. As things turn a little dicey in the neighborhood they've hit, they comment that they're a little scared. Which I don't blame them for, really. "This is like...Compton," Lynn comments. And really, the only difference between that and Kris's "Harlem of Shanghai" is context. Kris had such a good record by then that it was clear she couldn't possibly mean anything gross by it, while Lynn's situation is a little more sketchy, what with yelling at the locals and such. I'm not skunking them for being nervous on unfamiliar territory, but you have to watch it with that.
Commercials. I just can't get excited about UPS just because they call it "Brown."
When we come back to Johannesburg, Lynn is saying, "Pick someone who looks the least likely to have a gun," which was pretty off-putting when I first saw it, but the EEFPs in the know have been pretty emphatic about the fact that that's no idle fear, depending on where they are, so they may well have seen something in a guidebook or something that's motivating this particular discussion. I'm not wild about Lynn referring to a random guy on the street as "Tupac," but it's also the kind of thing I can imagine any number of my perfectly respectable friends saying, just because we can be a little stupid and random, so...whatever. Alex offers "Tupac" some money to lead them to the airport, and he apparently does, because we watch Alex and Lynn get to the airport just as the other teams are leaving. All end up on the 1:35 PM flight together.
Botswana. The lead plane is landing, and the first four teams are taking off. They're all looking for the train station, and they all eventually get taxis there. When they arrive at the station, however, they learn that the train doesn't leave until 9:00 in the evening, so it's likely that all the teams will bunch up right here. Which, to make a long story short, they do.
But before that, we watch an ugly little scene in which Rob flags down a van that he believes to be a bus, but which is apparently a taxi, and unfortunately for him, it's carrying Lynn and Alex. "Not enough room, not enough room," Lynn starts saying. And they keep this up incessantly, saying, "There's not enough seats," when clearly there are. See, as much of a raging dick as Rob is during much of this episode, I think this was in part a misunderstanding -- I think Rob believes that this is a bus that just picks people up, and he thinks he has every right to get on it over Lynn and Alex's objections, so he just thinks if he climbs on, he can climb on. So I think that's why he keeps arguing that there's "plenty of room" -- because at first, he legitimately misunderstands what this mode of transportation is. "There's plenty of room," he says again. "Is this a bus?" Ultimately, Lynn and Alex tell him it's a taxi, and they start telling him to "calm down," which...not very credible. And then he closes the door and says, "Okay, we'll play like that," which is, if such a thing is possible, even less credible. Come on, dude. I mean, I think that was a little bit of a pussy move on Lynn and Alex's part, being all, "No room, no room!" instead of just saying, "This is our taxi, and we're not sharing it with you, so close the door." Which is what they should have done. But boy, would Rob have had a better case without that BS line at the end, because what BS. Interestingly, the appeal of Boston Rob to me up to this point has been that while he's sneaky and sort of mean, he is at least not a hypocrite, so that's a little disappointing. I hope it's a momentary lapse. And all things considered, I can't entirely blame Lynn in the taxi for saying, "I love to see Rob pissed off; it makes me so happy." That's up there with Rob and Amber enjoying the teams they gobsmacked last week, so I'm not on them for that, either. I'm not crazy about Lynn's gloating speech in the cab about why they didn't share, and I'm even less crazy about Rob hanging back talking about how Lynn "spazzed out like a little girl," because seriously, shut up, dude. I find their entire conflict boring.
Meredith and Gretchen get a cab to the train station. When they get there, we find that Lynn and Alex are still not making themselves look any better, because the are still pressing the point that "there was no room," which is bullshit, and they should stop saying it. Rob says that "there was plenty of room," which is true, and adds, "It's okay, we can play like that." Ugh. STOP. And then Rob gives an interview in which he says, "Lynn's got his head up his ass. He might be able to run Alex like a little farm boy, but he can't treat everybody like that." You know, Rob and Lynn are so the same person, seriously. With the exception of the fact that Rob is substantially more up-front about it and more at peace with it, and Lynn feels more societal restraints that require him to pretend he's a good person, they're basically the same guy. Funny, isn't it?
But I am certainly in the camp that believes Rob is not serious when he jibes that he thinks Meredith pushed Gretchen to gain sympathy. In fact, I think his inability to say things like that without smirking makes them less funny. If he deadpanned that, it would have been awesome.
The teams board the train at 9:00 that night, and in a particularly oogy moment, Kelly sort of leans toward Ron at one point, and he says, "What are you leanin' for me?" I mean, first of all, [sic], and second of all, ouch. That's not what a girl likes to hear. Anyway, the train leaves, with all seven teams aboard. Phil explains that they'll take the train, and then the bus. The thing we see is all the teams piling off the bus while a little plane does a North By Northwest-style flyover, and I'm not sure what the hell that was about. They all rip a clue that tells the that the Roadblock in this leg requires the Roadblocker to throw a spear about 20 feet at a swinging bag that represents a "moving target." Oh, and they'll be working with a bushman. We love bushmen!
Brian takes it. Ron takes it, Rob takes it, Alex, Joyce, Ray, and Meredith. The Roadblockers go and select a bushman from a group, as if they have any way of knowing what's going to be beneficial at this point. Unsurprisingly, Brian compares his bushman to Yoda, which I might be tempted to do also. Not that I'd probably be clever enough, since I'd be busy thinking about how the hell I'm going to do this. He also declares his first shot "sissy." Hee. Ray informs us that while he's not a bushman, he "did vote for Bush." See? Root of all evil, people. Ray throws. Ron throws...everybody throws, people. It's throwing. What can I tell you? The first to hit it is apparently Brian, who gets the spear to stick right in the lower corner of the bag, so he comments, "Got him in the hind leg." Snerk. The clue then tells them to drive, as Phil explains, about 35 miles to a "cattle post." There, they'll find another clue. Oh, and they'll have a safety guide in the car. Whew! Wouldn't want anything bad to happen. Brian and Greg leave.
Ron hits. Lynn hits. These early teams get going in their cars. Ron explains in an interview that he had driven through the desert in Humvees before, and he's pretty sure he's alone in that. So, you know. It's just like downtown Baghdad. Ray hits, and he and Deana leave. This leaves Rob and Meredith throwing after Joyce gets her hit, but then she and Uchenna can't figure out where they left their bags. Oy. As Rob begins to grouse about whether the spears are sharpened (heh -- "My spear is broken!"), Amber notes that "he loses patience pretty quickly." Yeah, I've noticed that. Meredith then gets his hit, meaning that Rob is the last man standing. Ooh, I bet that's burning him up. He finally hits, and he and Amber get on their way, noting that they're apparently in last place.
By the time the last few teams get on the road, though, Meredith and Gretchen are just ahead of Rob and Amber, who are just ahead of Uchenna and Joyce, who got screwed looking for their backpacks. Up ahead, Brian comments that he's been "hanging out with Lynn too much," because he's inclined to go, "Whee-hee-hee!" Which is awesome, but not as awesome as when they cut directly to Lynn going, "Whee-hee-hee!" "Oh my God," Lynn adds dramatically, "this is so Indiana Jones." "Who ever thought we'd be driving through bush country?" Gretchen asks in her car, and then she adds, "That isn't President Bush, either." Yeah, we got that. NOT FUNNY. Rob and Amber pass pokey Meredith and Gretchen, and Rob is quite a bit more gloaty than necessary. They then pass Ray and Deana as well, and Ray is not at all happy about that. "Dammit! Critical mistakes!" Ray says. In the Uchenna and Joyce car, Joyce comments, "All I see is Meredith's dust." "Is that her up there?" Uchenna asks. "Meredith is the guy," Joyce corrects. And they gave them clothes! See, you don't have to be a jerk to get their names wrong, although that Venn diagram is currently inconclusive.
As Brian and Greg head down the road, it seems like Brian is trying to navigate and trying to avoid certain parts of the road, and he's sort of winding up all over the place. Greg urges him to stay on the marked part of the road, but before you know it, there is wild commotion footage, and then we see their car, flipped by the side of the road.
Commercials. Oh, Edie Falco.
When we return, we are watching the aftermath of a pretty nasty crash, where Brian and Greg are standing around watching as at least three people tend to a gentleman we've never seen before who is lying on the ground with his head in the lap of a woman we've never seen before. "We rolled over," says one of the boys, "and our camera guy's hurt." Aww. Get well, camera guy!
Lynn and Alex come up on this scene, and they pull over and hop out. They go over and ask how things are, and the boys fret over how bad they feel, and Lynn and Alex are like, "It's okay, it's okay." Brian immediately starts telling them to leave, and that he doesn't expect them to hang around. And then the Decision That Launched A Billion Forum Posts occurs, because wouldn't you know it, Rob and Amber come upon this scene. "Oh, car flipped over," Rob notes as he drives by. Emphasis on "drives by." Of course, if you can believe that what we're seeing is what he sees, there are solidly six or seven people standing around by the time he gets there, who are clearly not doing anything. And nobody is waving to them, and nobody is flagging them down, and nobody is paying any attention to them. "This is a competition, but we don't want anybody to get hurt," he notes. "That's not fun for anybody." Back at the crash scene, Alex and Lynn and Brian and Greg are all standing around gossiping, and Lynn says, "That was Rob and Amber, wasn't it!" They all nod. "That's just so typical of their game," Lynn spits. In the car, Rob comments, "There's no way we're stopping. It's still a competition, let's not get crazy." And then he turns, I suspect to the camera guy who just asked him whether he thought they should have stopped, and gives a nervous smile that I suspect accompanies an attempt to see if the camera guy is giving him the stink-eye. It's just a guess, but that's what I diagnose.
Should they have stopped? Yes, probably, out of politeness. It's definitely the nice thing to do to slow down long enough to say, "Everybody okay?" But the odds that there was anything they could do were, in my opinion, essentially zero, and they undoubtedly knew it. They've done this before -- they know about the machinery of safety people and emergency personnel and the rest of the huge entourage that accompanies something like this, and they could see a bunch of people meandering around by the time they went by. Moreover, if anybody had been in a bad way and emergency help had been needed, there wouldn't have been six people standing around while cars were driving by -- somebody would have been waving at them or something. I genuinely don't think what they did put anyone at risk, or could have put anyone at risk. But should they have pulled over, taken the window down, and been like, "Everybody okay?" Yes, they should. It's the better thing to do. After all, what are the odds that the game will come down to the thirty seconds you might lose doing that? Wait, don't answer that yet.
Up at the clue box, Ron and Kelly pluck a Detour clue calling for a choice between Food and Water. In Food, you use a traditional container and two sticks to grind corn. Some local ladies will be checking the corn to make sure you have it ground properly, and once you have enough to fill a basket up to a line, you'll be done. In Water, you use straws to suck up water from a spring, and then you fill up 12 ostrich eggs and bury them (for storage) to get their clue. ["I can't tell you how relieved I was that this did not involve a choice between eating seventy ears of corn or drinking two gallons of water." -- Sars] Ron and Kelly choose food and start on pounding some corn. "Pour it in there, and then we've got to beat the crap out of it," Ron notes, giving a not-unreasonable description of the task. They pound. Or, if you will, "beat the crap out of it."
At the crash site, someone says the doctor is on the way, and Lynn and Alex take off. You'll be shocked to hear that in the car, Lynn's favorite topic of conversation is that Rob and Amber didn't stop their car, so that they could stand around and do absolutely nothing, the way Lynn and Alex apparently did. "They're just awful pigs," he says, "I mean, literally." And by "literally," he of course means, "not literally, but still."
Ray and Deana pull a rolling stop and yell out the window, "You guys okay?" And then they move on. In their car, Gretchen and Meredith talk about her desire that he not break the car, and his opposing desire that they not lose. He asks her if she wants to go home that night. "I don't want to go home tonight," she says. "But I don't want to have my bladder up in my chest cavity, either." Which was pretty damn funny, if you ask me. "My bladder up in my chest cavity"? That's a damn fine line, lady. You acquitted yourself well. It's not a cliché, and "chest cavity" is an inherently funny body part. I know you said "bladder" because you're thinking about the fact that you need to pee, but still. By the time they roll by the crash site, there are a bunch of vehicles and even more people standing around. Uchenna and Joyce are just behind them, and both teams slow down -- at least for looky-loo purposes -- and the boys wave them by. "You guys all right?" Uchenna yells out the window. See, this is where I think driving by was ass, but it wasn't dangerous, you know? It's just...ass.
Brian and Greg note that they have to wait for a backup car before they can go.
Ron and Kelly turn in some of their corn, but they've got some left. Rob and Amber arrive at the box , and they choose the water and start sucking. Heh. Metaphor! Lynn and Alex take the Food. The first thing Lynn wants to tell Ron and Kelly is that "the boys wrecked." And then: "We stop [true], help them out [not so true], and then Amber and Rob? Drive straight on by!" He just loses so much of the cool they get for stopping when he's more interested in updating Ron and Kelly on Rob and Amber than on the crash, you know? This inspires Kelly, who has this little red-statey moment when she tells Ron that Rob and Amber "do not deserve!" And then she's like, "No quitting," because it's all about moral superiority, and shut up and whatnot.
At the Detour, Rob and Amber suck.
Lynn and Alex and Ron and Kelly both have some trouble with the grinding, as Rob and Amber work on filling up their last few eggs. Ron and Kelly finish first and get going. Phil explains that they're driving themselves to a dried-out lake, and when they get there, they'll spend the night out in the desert. Ron and Kelly leave. Rob and Amber finish up the last egg, bury them, and get their clue. They head out to the pit stop in second place. Lynn and Alex are still working.
Ray and Deana approach, then Meredith and Gretchen and Uchenna and Joyce. All take Food. Ray is already yelling at Deana for being too slow, probably to the surprise of no one.
Crash site. Replacement vehicle. Once they get going, Brian says a prayer, beginning with a request to God to be with their camera guy. Aw. And then they pray for guidance. (God: "Well, okay.")
Up ahead, Lynn and Alex are trying to grind the corn, and Lynn is like, "You suck!" Because he's nice that way. Alex points out that he doesn't suck; he's right about how to do it, so it's Lynn who sucks. Or something. "This is how you do it," Alex says. "Yeah, if you have 20,000 years!" Lynn snaps. Oh, come on, now, boys, don't fight. Your nice relationship is one of the few things you have going for you, as far as I'm concerned.
And then Deana hits herself in the face with the pounding stick, which I swear to God isn't funny.
All the pounding teams continue pounding, and Uchenna has actually taken over entirely for his team for a moment. Ray and Deana's corn is rejected. Meredith and Gretchen's is taken.
Ron and Kelly make the pit stop, followed fairly closely by Rob and Amber. Ron and Kelly are the first to the pit stop, and we see Amber drop some papers before they get to the mat, but I don't think that's why. Anyway, Ron and Kelly are team number one.
Rob and Amber are team number two. Phil asks them if they saw a wreck at all. "Yeah," Rob says. "We saw...it looked like the brothers and Alex and Lynn." And of course, he wouldn't know who crashed and who stopped, necessarily, even if there was one vehicle pulled over and one rolled. Phil asks if they stopped. "No," Amber chuckles with what I think is embarrassment. "This is a race, Phil," Rob says, a little -- as I read it -- sheepishly. "I see," Phil says. "So," he goes on, chuckling a little, "you left them on the side of the road?" See, I don't think Phil even thinks it's that bad. He just thinks it's brazenly ass. Phil and I so often agree.
Lynn is jumping up and down with the pounding stick, hitting the corn as hard as possible. "Now I'm in the numb stage, so it doesn't even hurt!" he chirps. Hee. That was fucking awesome. I don't love him, but that was pretty cool. Nearby, Ray seethes. As usual. Uchenna and Joyce keep pounding. Meredith and Gretchen keep pounding. Some of Meredith and Gretchen's is rejected.
Brothers approaching the Detour. "Let's hope this Detour is super-duper physically tough," they say. "We need somebody to slow down." Up at the pounding site, everyone is slowing down, pretty much. Ray and Deana are told that their corn is rejected. Rejected! Uchenna and Joyce, however, are done, much to Ray and Deana's horror. Lynn and Alex are also done, and they take off for the pit stop. Ray bonks Deana in the head with the pole again, and again he doesn't apologize, and here, she draws the line, which I loved. She just stops. "You can do it yourself," she says. Which, in this case, I totally support, because that's how you stop that shit. I mean, really, she needs to dump his ass, but barring that, this is the best option. He orders her to keep up, but she doesn't. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Commercials. I don't really think Pledge makes all the difference.
Pound site! Ray and Deana are still pounding, and not very well. Meredith and Gretchen keep going. Brian and Greg finally arrive, and they are thrilled to find two teams still there. When they read the Detour clue, they do exactly the right thing, which is that because other people are doing Food, they do Water. It's just right, because the gamble they need to take is that they can do Water faster -- that's a better bet than that they can catch up to and pass people doing the same task they're doing. Particularly a task like that.
Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce. You are team number three.
Welcome, Lynn and Alex. You are team number four. They snot that they could have been in second if they hadn't stopped for the crash. And Lynn congratulates himself for being so awesome again.
Ray has more of the corn he's handling with Deana rejected, and concludes that the local woman has it in for them. Yeah, that seems likely. They both note that they find being together depressing. I find it depressing on their behalf, so we are in agreement.
Brian and Greg suck up water until one of them belches. Which is kind of perfect.
And then Meredith and Gretchen leave! Yay! Hee hee. Ray and Deana are still there. Brian and Greg are sucking water. They finish filling the eggs and start burying.
Other teams cheer as Meredith and Gretchen come up onto the mat. Welcome, you are team number five. Not bad, y'all. Phil congratulates them for doing the "almost impossible." Meredith slyly notes that it's their best finish yet.
Brothers bury their eggs. Ray and Deana pound their corn. Ray and Deana finish. America weeps. NOOOOO!
And then -- seriously, people, this is how I fall in love with people on reality shows. As they're finishing burying their eggs, Brian says to their little helper guy in this incredulous voice, "No one's going to eat our water! No one knows where they are!" As if he's so impressed with them for what they've just done. It's just absurdly awesome, and I don't even know how to describe it to you, really. This moment was completely horrible, because I've been here with this show a billion times, and they always edit it to look close, and you always know it probably isn't, quite.
Ray and Deana run for their car, and then -- holy crap! As Greg and Brian read the pit stop clue, they see that Ray and Deana are just leaving. Damn, it is close. I mean, not close enough, undoubtedly, but still. Ray and Deana pull out with the brothers close behind, and Greg noting that if they can get to the pit stop with Ray and Deana, they can beat them in a foot race. The teams are close on the way there, and Ray is saying that they'll beat the boys to the pit stop and "have time to regroup." "Catch up," Greg says to Brian. "We're not getting eliminated." "No way," Brian answers. The boys are right on Ray and Deana's tails as the teams pull up toward the pit stop. Showing their usual regard for road safety, the boys take their seatbelts off at high speed. Phil waits on the mat.
Ray and Deana stop their car. Greg and Brian drive right by the door as Ray is hopping out. And the thing you see is the foot race to the pit stop. In which Ray and Deana both are quite plainly and simply smoked. Smoked. Greg and Brian tear toward Phil, arms pumping, chests thumping, and you can see when Deana gives out, because she knows it's over, even as Ray is still hoping one of the boys will sprain an ankle or some such. Aaaaand up onto the mat comes Brian! And then Greg! And they are team number six! And they are still in the race! And they are hugging! And I can't stop with the exclamation points! And they say they love each other! And Ray and Deana are pouting! Phil congratulates the boys and talks about how much it clearly means to them. A hyperventilating Brian is like, "I rolled that damn car [wheeze] and I thought it was over [wheeze], and it feels good to be on this pad, Phil." "Pad"? Phil tells them that their camera guy will be all right, and then it is time to pull! Ray! And Deana! Over!
Ray and Deana walk up onto the mat. PHILIMINATED! "We deserve to be," Ray snots. "We do. Today, we were awful." Phil asks them if the race brought them closer together, like, duh, Phil, were you watching? Ray says he probably wouldn't compete with Deana again, and then in an interview, he says that he's not sure he can accept her lame-ass nature. Basically. She wants the relationship to work out. He gives a dickwad version of "can't live with her, can't live without her," and we are mercifully free of them. Bleh.
Greatest ending EVAH!
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Flat tires! Fighting! Rednecks! Oh, and a clip show, because this show is trying to kill me.
Ray and Deana stop their car. Greg and Brian drive right by the door as Ray is hopping out. And the thing you see is the foot race to the pit stop. In which Ray and Deana both are quite plainly and simply smoked. Smoked. Greg and Brian tear toward Phil, arms pumping, chests thumping, and you can see when Deana gives out, because she knows it's over, even as Ray is still hoping one of the boys will sprain an ankle or some such. Aaaaand up onto the mat comes Brian! And then Greg! And they are team number six! And they are still in the race! And they are hugging! And I can't stop with the exclamation points! And they say they love each other! And Ray and Deana are pouting! Phil congratulates the boys and talks about how much it clearly means to them. A hyperventilating Brian is like, "I rolled that damn car [wheeze] and I thought it was over [wheeze], and it feels good to be on this pad, Phil." "Pad"? Phil tells them that their camera guy will be all right, and then it is time to pull! Ray! And Deana! Over!
Ray and Deana walk up onto the mat. PHILIMINATED! "We deserve to be," Ray snots. "We do. Today, we were awful." Phil asks them if the race brought them closer together, like, duh, Phil, were you watching? Ray says he probably wouldn't compete with Deana again, and then in an interview, he says that he's not sure he can accept her lame-ass nature. Basically. She wants the relationship to work out. He gives a dickwad version of "can't live with her, can't live without her," and we are mercifully free of them. Bleh.
Greatest ending EVAH!
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Flat tires! Fighting! Rednecks! Oh, and a clip show, because this show is trying to kill me.