Horses, horses, horses, horses

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The charmed life of Rob and Amber continues this week as they pull off the classic TAR maneuver of Barely Making The Plane Just Before Or Just After The Commercial, thus being bunched with the four lead teams, all of whom thought they were about to slip the surly bonds of Boston Rob for at least a short time. Rob and Amber are insufferably smug regarding their good fortune, which brings them about even with the teams who are insufferably self-satisfied at having beaten them, and then insufferably pissy about not beating them. At any rate, a horse-riding Roadblock presents problems for Deana and her crap-ass on-and-off boyfriend (Miss Alli’s Music Stylist: “He needs to be stung to death by wasps”), and shows the first of many problems between Susan and Patrick. To, like, say the least. Once everyone has flown to Buenos Aires, it’s a Detour involving boating and clue-hunting, and it ultimately comes down to a race between Ray and Deana, Gretchen and Meredith, and Susan and Patrick. After Patrick comes down with a bad case of defeatism, he and his mom finish last and are Philiminated, at which point they give one of the most uncomfortable exit interviews EVER, during which there is no hint of the “we’re just happy for the chance to bond” business we usually see. Creepy. And sad. Bye, Patrick and Susan. You don’t seem like bad people, but . . . therapy. I’m just saying. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Previously on Meat Is [Gastrointestinal] Murder: The teams raced from Santiago to Mendoza. Debbie and Bianca discovered that stolen cabs are hard to spot, but not as hard as stealth mountain ranges. After the geographically challenged knuckleheads drove two hours out of their way, blithely ignoring mountains and other well-concealed hints such as the sun, the ocean, maps, baffled locals, road signs, and the Star of Bethlehem, they looked like they were almost certainly the odds-on favorites for Philimination. The plot thickened (and sickened), however, at a gross-out Roadblock involving the ingestion of vast quantities of questionable meat. The good news was that if you finished it, not only did you get your clue, but you would be initiated into one of the nation's finest fraternities, and you would be entitled to free beer and Hooters buffalo wings for life. At any rate, when Rob weighed a four-hour penalty against three hours of eating and three days of illness, he began to hunt for a way to spare both his stomach and his position in the game. Ultimately, he convinced Ray and an easily cowed (har har) Deana to punt as well. Ray and Deana then convinced Meredith and Gretchen, which wasn't that difficult, because, like, there isn't that much Metamucil in the world. Before anybody knew it, a few teams with valiant and determined carnivores (Alex, Uchenna, Ron, um...some brother or other) were heading for the pit stop, a few possibly wily chickens were cooling their heels in the penalty box, and Patrick and Susan and Bianca and Debbie were fighting it out for last place. Even the applicable penalties couldn't keep those teams from a final showdown, and when it came right down to it, Patrick scarfed down the meat just in time to eke out a victory, sending Bianca and Debbie on a ride to Sequesterville on the back of their own putrid navigation skills. Have fun roller-skating!

Credits. All of a sudden, the fact that Susan kind of backhands Patrick in the credits is totally creepy to me. I smell some very uncomfortable Thanksgivings in their future. [BOMP.]

Commercials. I realize I discussed Coach K last week, but man, I still love him, even though he's kind of a mean old dude now, and even though we somehow lost to Michigan State, those punks, and will somebody please get rid of North Carolina and their sad-ass powder-blue uniforms, because every time I see them, I want to throw up. Ahem.

Phil and a couple of musical "whomp" noises welcome us to Mendoza, a "lush farm community in western Argentina," where you will find a ranch that served as the third pit stop. You will also find a cowboy in a pink shirt, apparently, and there's something you don't see every day. Phil reminds us that the teams are racing, and want money, and soon they will be running again, so won't you join us? My new love thing with Phil, by the way, is how he says, "This traditional ranch was the third pit stop...in a racearoundtheworld." All one word. I'm going to start telling people that when they ask me about the show. "What's it about? Oh, it's a bunch of teams...on a racearoundtheworld."

Looking forward, Phil wonders whether Susan and Patrick can dig out of the trench they've been in for a couple of episodes, and whether Rob and Amber's wicked ways will continue to distance them from all the people who have hated them since before even meeting them, or whether perhaps Rob will spontaneously decide to dial back the cockiness and Lynn and Alex will spontaneously decide to dial back the insufferable moralizing and the entire thing will perhaps end in a giant group hug and a round of margaritas. I don't know about you, but I have a guess on that, to which I hold fast despite my utter faith in the healing powers of tequila.

3:49 AM. Lynn and Alex, who indubitably rocked the last leg, take off. They rip the clue, which tells them to drive 25 miles to a ranch called Cabana La Guatana. Lynn explains that he and Alex really, really wanted to beat Amber and Rob, which you may not have noticed if you didn't watch any part of the leg and weren't aware of anything they said the entire time. Alex adds that they also have "a huge, huge advantage." After talking a little more about how much it meant to them to beat the prom king and queen to the DQ, sneak in the back, and spit in their Blizzards, Alex says he and Lynn are "determined to keep [their] lead," meaning that he has apparently never seen the show and is not aware that race leads are like STDs -- they may flare up impressively from time to time, but generally, they fade and leave you with only a vaguely uncomfortable itch and your lingering resentment of the person who screwed you.

4:07 AM. Uchenna and Joyce leave. They continue to be a little island of normal in all this crapola. He says that they just want to "continue to move forward" and "support each other." Imagine that! They must be looking for some other show, like maybe $25,000 Pyramid. Oh, and Uchenna calls his wife "babycakes," which...oh, my, yes. If you're him? Yes.

Lynn and Alex are crowing about the other teams being "hours behind [them]," and one hopes that they're talking about the meat-skippers, and not all the other teams, because if they're thinking everyone is hours behind them, they're going to be surprised when they feel hot air on the backs of their necks and realize that it is other people, breathing. Elsewhere, Uchenna compares trying to get directions to "giving birth." Because...of the level of difficulty? Because...it takes forever? I don't know...do directions come with epidurals? Whatever. I do find myself a little surprised at the comparison to childbirth coming from a couple with fertility problems, although maybe that's precisely it, and they're just super-healthy about it and use that as their catch-all for "things that are very hard to do." I don't really care, because they're so nice that it doesn't matter. Oh, and he notes that the speed limit is 40 miles an hour, and we were told the ranch was about 25 miles away, so there's one piece of the puzzle that is the weird timing of the early part of this leg.

4:52 AM. Brian and Greg, Ron and Kelly, leaving together as they arrived. They note that they have $45, which I know is just enough to buy a ceramic Garfield lamp, because I watched way too much The Price Is Right in college. (The car ends in a zero, nitwit!) Ron explains in a voice-over that he and Kelly don't have "a long-term alliance" with anyone in the race. He neglects to add that they may not even have one with each other. Ron then compares the personal dynamics of the race unfavorably to the military, where you can trust everyone. And...that's a very astute point, you know, because reality television and the military do have certain ways in which they are not identical. Others include reality television's lack of uniforms, the inalienable right to quit if you so choose, and the fact that sometimes you have to stop and yank a llama or eat some saliva glands. You almost never have to do that shit in the Army. The Army is so easy! Anyway, Ron and Kelly get in their car, followed by Brian and Greg, the Brothers Awesomazov, who...I didn't really get to mention it last week, but I sort of love them. Because if there's one thing I cannot resist, I am telling you, it's a great big dweeb. And two great big dweebs? Running around self-narrating like they're on an episode of World's Wildest Police Videos? Awwwwesome. ["Also, the one that looks like a weird cross between Christian Slater and Chevy Chase? The taller one? I'm going to say…Greg? Is a fox." -- Sars] Anyway, they are optimistic that they can get through the leg making "no mistakes," which of course causes everyone I am watching the show with to immediately predict their booting at the close of the episode. I speculate, in fact, that Fate found this episode completely exhausting, and spent most of it lolling about on its giant waterbed, drinking Propel fitness water and saying, "So many people tempting me, and I can only strike down ONE? Whatever shall I do?"

Lynn and Alex arrive at the ranch. They read the sign, which tells them that the place doesn't open until 6:30 AM, but it's already 6:00, so things aren't all that grim, bunching-wise. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce are asking for directions at a gas station. Ron and Kelly are bickering about his inability to read Spanish, and the possibility of that negatively affecting his ability to navigate. Mostly, though, their bickering takes the form of slow chatter of that bored and bloodless sort that, as I've said, makes it seem at all times like they met five minutes ago. Not five minutes before the race; five minutes ago. I'm saying she picked him up along the side of the road. "Hi, I'm of the heartland. You look to be of the heartland also. Do you need a ride?"

Brian and Greg admire the beautiful mountains. And, undoubtedly, think of Megan and Heidi. And then they compliment the weather as the soundtrack sighs happily in the background.

At 6:30, to a surprisingly techno-sounding "mep-mep-mep-mep-NEEEH NEEEH" beat that makes me feel like I am watching the beginning of a cheerleading competition on ESPN2, the gates at the ranch open, and Lynn and Alex -- still the only ones there -- open the clue, which is a Roadblock saying, "Who's ready to horse around?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the person has to "participate in a traditional gaucho challenge." (I love how one horse behind Phil is sticking its head out, although it's hard to tell whether he wants to be chosen, wants not to be chosen, or just wants to be on TV. If there's one thing I hate, it's a famehorse. Rimshot!) As Phil explains it, the Roadblocker has to ride a horse around a set of barrels, and then spear a ring from a rope with a stick at the finish line. If they can do the whole thing in 40 seconds, which Phil tells us is "a competitive time for an Argentine cowboy," they'll get the clue. Now I ask you this: why would they be expected to do it at a competitive time for an Argentine cowboy? Does that mean that once they complete this Horseblock, they will be qualified to become Argentinean cowboys? Because it's not like I would have stopped racing at the lake because somebody was like, "How would you feel about a career in salt?" Or been tempted by life as a professional cheese-hauler. But I think finding out that I could remain in Argentina forever, working as a cowboy, would be mighty tempting. At any rate, Alex agrees to do the Horseblock. He thinks the helmets are pretty.

6:59 AM. Rob and Amber, looking droopy, like they woke up thirty seconds ago. They collect their $45. Rob asks her whether they're allowed to take a different car than they had yesterday so they can get one with more gas in it, but she says they can't, so they get back in yesterday's car and take off. Rob explains the way they wound up in fifth place after he skipped out on the Roadblock, but he says he likes to be in pressure situations, because it causes him to "do bett-ah." Wow, articulate! In the car, Amber longs to catch up to and pass the other four teams, and that's about as much as she can pull together to say about it. If they're not suffering from a case of just-woke-up, then they're suffering from a case of just-got-hit-on-the-head.

Uchenna and Joyce pull into the Roadblock, and Joyce cheerfully agrees to do it. She pauses in front of one of the available horses and asks if it's a "nice horse," and assured that it is, she picks that one. (Horse: "I have a reputation to protect, you know.") Alex, out ahead of her, is jumping right up on his horse as well, as Lynn assures him that "the horses have done this a million times." Heh. True. Not quite as much of a novelty for them as it is for you. "Deep voice and hard kicks," Lynn commands. Oh, the jokes I could make and will not, because unfortunately, I occasionally break out in uncontrolled decency. Anyway, Alex orders Lynn to stand farther away, and I think I would, too, because the odds of Lynn shutting up appropriately in this situation would appear to be very, very tiny. You might need a magnifying glass to see them. Alex makes his way through the course as Joyce approaches. He grabs the ring, but misses the target time by one second. Joyce is just getting on the horse, with Uchenna telling her, "You're a good rider, so no worries." Aw. Where is that guy? Why don't they make that guy? They're always showing me guys in the catalog that I can't actually order, and it always makes the actual available selection look much less inspiring. Anyway, Alex goes through the course again, as Joyce struggles with her spaz of a horse. "You're pulling back," Uchenna cautions her, quite correctly. "Don't pull back, sweetie." Alex runs the course. As Alex continues, Joyce is dumped off the horse and lands hard on the ground. She gets right back up. Because she is awesome. WorldCom so did not deserve her. She asks if she can pick another horse, but they tell her she can't. Golly. That would seem to make horse-picking rather a large part of the task. Anyway, Alex finally finishes the course, and after Lynn puts on a very endearing, if preposterously stereotype-embracing, display of excited prancing and clapping, they open the clue. It tells them to drive 25 miles to Mendoza airport, where they can catch one of two available flights to Buenos Aires. One is at 9:30 AM, and the other is at 2:30 PM. Then, they'll take a taxi to a clock tower, where they'll have to find a guy in a raincoat who's walking around with their clue. Who I think may be Carlos Santana, but don't quote me until you actually see him with a guitar, being followed around by a tone-deaf Antonio Banderas. In their car, Lynn and Alex fret over the sight of Joyce being thrown on the ground. Because she's one of the good people, and they don't want to see any of the good people injured. Injuries are for people who are beating us!

On Joyce's second try on the course, she actually gets through it, but just when she goes for the ring, the horse dumps her off again. Aww. "That horse is just too wild," Uchenna comments, totally siding with his wife over the horse, which, thank you. "Babe, you all right?" "Yeah," she says wearily. "You were doing it," he encourages. "It's just a little bit skittish." He also comments quietly, however, that he wants to get out of there before more teams start showing up.

Speaking of which, here come Ron and Kelly and Greg and Brian, on the road toward the ranch. But Ron and Kelly take the appropriate exit, while Brian and Greg elect...not to. Thus do Ron and Kelly arrive at the Roadblock in third place. Kelly seems downright cheery about doing the horses, and Ron snarks that he got to eat four pounds of food yesterday, and she gets to ride a horse, which hardly seems fair. Joyce is still working on the horse, as her husband -- who declares himself "proud of her" before she finishes the task rather than after, when it doesn't mean as much -- says he knows how scared she is. But he assures us that Joyce's "competitive nature" will overcome, and she'll get the Roadblock done. He continues to encourage her as he sees Ron and Kelly approaching. Joyce finally finishes, and she's so happy that she almost manages to get herself thrown off the horse during her own celebration. Ohhh, that would be sad. But after she recovers, she and Uchenna both laugh, because even after the experience she just had being thrown off the horse at least twice, they still have their senses of humor intact. "You are amazing," he says, giving her a huge hug and kiss before they read their clue. You know, I don't know what they think is wrong with their relationship, but I diagnose them with a severe case of chronic healthyitis. I'm sure their situation has been hugely hard on their marriage just like they say, but they just kind of ooze love in this awesome way. They leave for the airport in second place.

Brian and Greg slowly realize they have missed the exit, and they turn back. (I try really hard not to laugh at the driving one saying he'll "whip it around." I try to outgrow junior high school, I really do.) Anyway, the boys are not getting the best possible start on No Mistakes Day. Similarly, Rob and Amber are momentarily lost on the way to the Horseblock. "I hate bein' lost," Rob complains, apparently to differentiate himself from all of the people who enjoy it.

Kelly finishes the Horseblock, and they rip their clue. Then Brian and Greg arrive just as Ron and Kelly are leaving. It's all entirely good-natured between these two teams, because neither of them contains enough moxie to make a fuss -- Brian and Greg are too mellow, and Ron and Kelly are too painfully polite. Mostly to each other. Greg and Brian open the clue at the Horseblock, and...Brian, I think? Yeah, Brian takes the Roadblock.

Mendoza Airport. Lynn and Alex make it up to the ticket counter and grab tickets on the 9:30 AM flight.

Back at the Roadblock, Brian completes it and they go. In fact, he completes it in 33.75 seconds. He's almost 16 percent more competitive than a real Argentinean cowboy.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the airport at what is allegedly 8:30 AM. They get their 9:30 AM tickets, and Uchenna talks about how happy he is to potentially be so far ahead of at least some of the other teams.

8:34 AM. Ray and Deana. As they go, Ray talks about how they took the penalty, and he doesn't want to "be associated with" the "bottom-feeders." Could have eaten the meat, then, couldn't you, Whiny McBlowhard? I mean, take the penalty or don't, but when you're in the back because you took a penalty rather than do the task, you certainly can't argue you're too good to be there, I don't think. Ray says that he's "embarrassed" by their position, and then he's all honking at strangers and talking about beating "the old people" and all that rot. You know, when I watch him, I feel like he would benefit enormously from a twelve-year-old daughter in the back seat going, "God, Dad, you are so weird."

8:44 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. As they're on their way out, Gretchen talks about what a challenge it is to keep up with the young people. You know, with their short pants and their slang and the way the boys all look like girls.

8:56 AM. Patrick and Susan. Susan claims that being in last place has motivated her and Patrick. She says that they will "never give up." Evah! Patrick says that he wants to just "catch up with some people." Make a special note that he does not vow to never give up. Cue the vultures of foreshadowing! Awk, awk!

Rob and Amber are hunting around for the Cabana entrance when they stumble across it. Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've relied upon that stroke of luck to get somewhere, I would be very, very wealthy. They go up to the Roadblock and Rob agrees to do it, saying that he has indeed ridden a horse before.

Ron and Kelly arrive at the airport at 9:00 AM. If you're watching the times here, it's very odd -- there is a ton of play in how long it's taking people to get places. Ron and Kelly appear to have finished the Roadblock not very long after Uchenna and Joyce, and they're getting here a half-hour behind them. Furthermore, it's not clear why it took Alex and Lynn and these other people better than two hours to do a 25-mile drive from the pit stop to the ranch in the first place, or why it would take all that long to get to the airport, particularly when we know a good chunk of it was highway driving with a speed limit of at least 40, for God's sake. There's 50 miles of driving in the part of this leg they've told us about, and then you'd add however long it takes you to do the Roadblock, and Ron and Kelly are getting to the airport four hours after they left the pit stop. Even if you assume they spent an hour at the Roadblock, which it didn't look like they did, they would be averaging under 17 miles an hour for the 50 miles of driving. These people are taking for-freaking-ever to do the driving on this leg. There's either a lot of stopping or a lot of getting lost or a lot of waiting for flocks of animals to cross the road.

At any rate, back at the Roadblock, Rob is hopping up on the horse as Amber laughs at him. She cheers -- loudly, with both lungs -- and he rides. He grabs the ring. They're done. "Baby, that was easy!" she says. "'Cause I'm a professional horse-rid-ah!" he says. "You look cute on the horse, babe," she says, wondering if they win another million, she should maybe buy a farm. As they're leaving, they note that it's 9:00. So it's now two hours after they left the pit stop, and they've (1) driven 25 miles; and (2) finished the Roadblock. That makes a lot more sense than the timelines for the other teams, so maybe it helped to leave later? I don't know. As they get in the car, Rob discusses the fact that he's hoping they can hop on the 9:30 AM flight.

Brian and Greg get to the airport and go up to the ticket counter. They time-check that it's roughly 9:20 or 9:25 as they stand at the counter, and they're hoping nobody else manages to get on the plane. And clearly, the plane is already delayed, because in most cases, particularly where you have to check your bags, you're not going to find yourself able to check in on a flight that's actually going to leave at 9:30 if you show up at the ticket counter at 9:25.

Elsewhere, Amber luxuriates in the back of the car, actually stretching her arm over her head as she talks about how the other teams would "die" if Rob and Amber caught up to them after taking a four-hour penalty. "Who cares about any of them?" Rob asks, and I do indeed wish she were more able to take that attitude, because I think he fairly genuinely does. "They hate the fact that we're doing well," Amber notes. Probably true, but...again, it's never a good idea to be thinking too hard about what other people are thinking too hard about. "The other teams love us," Rob counters. "They're strivin' to be like us." But unsurprisingly, he cannot even choke this out with a straight face, because he is not serious and this is shtick. Which, if Patrick and Lynn and Alex and some other people could figure it out, would reduce the level of stupidity and hypocritical moralizing in the season by about 95 percent.

At the airport, the four lead teams are getting on the 9:30 AM plane, talking about how they had to check their luggage, because the plane was so small. As they get on the plane, Lynn is already loudly chicken-counting about how the plane is carrying only people who ate the meat, despite the fact that he, of course, did not eat jack. "It just goes to show that if you want to win this race, you can't give up on anything, and that's why we're on the first flight," Kelly snots in a voice-over. Which is idiotic, obviously, because the people who skipped the meat are not all going to be eliminated, so evidently there will be teams that will get a chance to go on who didn't eat the meat. It's very unfortunate when people get ahead of themselves. Especially when they don't seem that...speedy to begin with.

And here come Rob and Amber in their car, with him saying as they approach the airport, "There's a chance we can still get on this flight. I hope it's still here." So presumably it's somewhere in the vicinity of 9:30 or just after. They go inside, and he says, "9:30? Please? Please?" The guy tells them yes, they can get on the plane. They thank him profusely, and Rob chuckles up that the "very nice people are going to hold the flight" for them. Indeed, as often happens on this show in the case of plane-holding and other requests for favor, the kindness of service people is going to pay off big-time. Rob and Amber run for the plane. (The angelic intervention of service personnel is one of my favorite traditions, incidentally, dating back to the first season, when it appeared that a ticket agent actually bumped people off of a plane to make room for racing teams.)

And here we are inside that very plane, where Alex is rolling his head around talking about how happy he is that Rob and Amber didn't make it. "Survive that," Lynn says, pulling out a line he has clearly been waiting days and days to use, because he had to wait for a time when Rob and Amber weren't...you know, kicking his ass. Which took a while. Sadly, he is about to learn that you always want to wait on your gloating until the doors have closed and you are in the air. Because otherwise, you risk...this. We cut to Rob and Amber walking out to the plane, as Rob talks about how pleased he is that they keep managing to jump up to the front in every leg. "Oh, I can't wait to see the look on their face!" Amber laughs, and on the one hand, she is being completely insufferable, but on the other hand, so are the people who hate her, and if you do view this as a game, as I think she does, then there's no question you would find this moment pretty damn funny. It's kind of like the way I try to think of Lex every time something like this happens. Oh, hello, memories of Lex. Stack of greenbacks...you betrayed your friends...ahhhh. Looks good on you, Inky.

Commercials. Does dishwashing detergent need bleach alternative? I think that's almost more bleach than my life requires. Except for when I watch stuff on Fox.

Mendoza airport. Rob and Amber step on the plane. "No. Freaking. Way," says a brother. "Ron, how's your stomach?" Rob asks. Ron doesn't answer. Kelly explains to us that Rob's strategy at the Roadblock worked, and it "makes [her] sick." Well, sure. Nobody likes to be outmaneuvered. And also? Kelly didn't eat anything, nor do I think she could have, so she can pipe right down. You'll notice that it's not the people who went through that meat-eating challenge who are so judgmental about Rob's decision not to do it -- it's their partners, who have no idea, among other things, how they're feeling physically or how unpleasant it was. You want to bet some of the eaters are thinking that if they had it to do over again and were confident, as Rob was, that they wouldn't be eliminated, they'd take the penalty? Because I suspect they are. Lynn goes on to talk in an interview about how if that were any other team, they would have been cheered and applauded, which, if true, only goes to show how insincere all of these buffoons actually are. Because unless you are actually stupid, you're not going to be happy to see another team make a flight with you. You're just not. It's like saying you would cheer for someone who drew a card that beat you at poker. You can do it, but you're probably a smoke-blowing hypocrite if you do. "I hate them," Alex interviews of Rob and Amber. And then Rob looks into the camera from his seat on the plane and says, "By the skin of our teeth." And then he actually chomps. See, I don't actually want to be friends with him, I don't think, but I totally want to be able to rent him occasionally, take him out for drinks, turn his mouth loose so he can take the piss out of everyone who's currently bugging the heck out of me, and then return him.

Ray and Deana arrive at the Horseblock. She takes it, and Ray wishes her luck, because he hasn't had cause to fire up any of the crazy quite yet.

Meredith and Gretchen are on the street on the way to the Roadblock, and while they're stopped at a light, there's a kid juggling in the middle of the intersection. Meredith notes that the kid is out "earning a living." "Paying for his college," Gretchen puts in. And...sure, maybe. Nothing says you can't juggle your way to higher education. And then Susan and Patrick basically have the same experience, only instead of a juggler, they have a clown. "What is that clown doin'?" Patrick asks wearily. "I don't know, but he's in my way," says a clipped Susan. Patrick, with perfect tired timing: "If there was ever a time you wanted permission to...run over a clown." Hee. Oh, Patrick. I'm telling you, I put Patrick in the same category as Mikalah Gordon, which is that I give them this advice: Go away, but get back to me in ten years, because there is an excellent chance that you will be the kind of person I sort of like.

Ray and Deana set up for the Horseblock, meaning that she prepares to get on the horse, and he goes and sits on the Hay Bales Of Heel-Cooling. "I think she'll do it in a time or two, and we'll be on our way," Ray says tightly. He does not think that. "Kick hard, Deana," he tells her. "Ray, I'm tryin'," she comes back. Ray tells her she needs to be faster, and she's all, "Dammit," and she's upset already and stuff. "These are horses," Ray tells her brightly. "You've got to do it the right way." And then, snidely referencing our last overly aggressive boyfriend, Ray says, "Yours isn't broken; he doesn't need new batteries." Ooh, at home, Colin just broke something with his teeth. Deana: "You think it's easy? There's nothing I can do!" "We're going to get eliminated over horse riding," Ray mutters angrily.

Meredith and Gretchen approach the Horseblock. In the interests of not hearing what Gretchen's voice would sound like when prodding an animal, Meredith takes it. Meanwhile, inside, Ray is angry at Deana again. "Make him run; it's too slow," he tells her. "Shut up, Ray," Deana spits, showing a promising display of backbone that would at least make this ugly scene a little less one-sided. "I'm kickin' as hard as I can; he's not doin' nothin'," she says. "Then talk to him. Yell at him, or pull the reins," Ray says. "What am I going to say to a horse?" Deana asks with bored incredulity, like this is the stupidest thing he has ever said to her. Which, incidentally, I seriously doubt. "I'm not babying you anymore," Ray declares flatly. "Get mad at the horse!" he demands. "I mean it!" "I am!" she protests. "You want to quit and go home?" he wants to know. "No!" she says. "Then get mad at the horse!" he commands. Ray then notes the arrival of Meredith and Gretchen, whom he calls "the oldsters." I'm sorry, "oldsters"? What century am I in? "We're wasting time," Ray adds. Meanwhile, Gretchen sits nicely on the Hay Bales of Heel-Cooling and tells Meredith to ride nice and close to the barrels. Meredith and Deana both take off for a run at about the same time. Gretchen and Ray both cheer, although obviously, in her case, that takes the form of support, while in his case, it takes the form of additional bellowing. As Deana approaches the end of the course, her foot pops out of the stirrup, and she falls to the side, and the horse stops. Deana starts to cry, and Ray orders her not to give up. And then Meredith finishes the course. Yay! "Ohhh, what a gaucho you are!" Gretchen calls out. Aw. They get the clue. "Poor Deana," Gretchen notes once they are in their car. "She's not making the horse go fast enough." And they say the powers of observation are the first thing to go.

Deana takes off again. "If he stops, get madder," Ray commands. She screams at the horse, but can't keep it going fast enough. You know, in describing this moment, I really cannot improve on the description sent to me on Wednesday by one of my friends, who claimed that Ray's approach was indicative of the way he apparently handles all of life's challenges: "Did you yell at it? Did you try yelling at it again? Try hitting it!" I guess I could only add that "Did you kick it?" is also apparently acceptable. I bet the appliances at Ray's house are all really dented.

Susan and Patrick approach the Horseblock. When they get there, Patrick agrees to do it. And in the corral or whatever, Deana is still working on the horse. Ray is instructing her about how she either stays on the horse or goes home, like, thanks, dipwad. What makes him think she isn't aware of that? "You're not yelling at him," Ray says. "Yell at the horse." She protests that she is yelling! She is! Never have I seen a moment on this show that walked such a fine line between incredibly ugly and unbelievably awesome. Anyway, they note the approach of Susan and Patrick.

As Patrick and Deana both get ready to go, Deana gets Ray to help her adjust something on her foot and there's something something with taking her shirt off, and what? But then she and Patrick both start to work their way through the course. Deana is trying to please Ray by whapping the horse as many times as she possibly can. "Hit him!" Ray says. "Hit him harder!" (See? I have smart friends. ["And not that I condone abusing the equines, obviously, but…yelling at a horse doesn't do dick. You want a horse to move, you use your heels or you use the crop, but verbal commands aren't really the way to go." -- Sars]) Deana returns, makes it in 33 seconds (Argentinean cowboys, beware!), and finally, mercifully, that horse can cease being a challenge to be faced in Ray's life, if you get my meaning. They hug. (Ray and Deana, not Ray and the horse -- not that the horse probably couldn't use a hug right about now.) Patrick, on the other hand, returns to find that he's five seconds over, so he has to go again. Ray and Deana leave, so Susan and Patrick are the remaining stragglers. In the car, Ray bitches about how he's "not a back-of-the-pack person," and "won't accept that, period." Well, it's not a matter of accepting right now, Ray, it's a matter of already being there, so...you know. Have a snack. Settle down.

Patrick gets ready to try again, and with the stick clenched in his teeth, he says, "My legs are killing me." "You don't even have your feet in the stirrups," Susan nearly snorts. Patrick initially goes for a tone of reasonableness as he says, "Hey, Mom? Let's try being quiet while I'm doing this. I need to concentrate." Susan doesn't listen, instead telling him how he needs to get the horse going faster. And understandably, Patrick points out that that's the entire point, and it's sort of easier said than done. "It doesn't help at all to hear your mom nagging at you while you're trying to do this." She protests that she's trying to help, and Patrick says through a taut expression, "Mom, I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment." And of course, it's a little late for that, but I see what he's saying, too, which is that it's at least not a screaming match yet, and it's about to be. Patrick tries the course again, and this time, he finally gets it done. They take off for the airport. "My crotch hurts," he protests, just sort of generally. As you do. They note that they'll be on the 2:30 flight out of Buenos Aires.

Speaking of Buenos Aires, it's about time for the first flight to land. Which it does, at 11:30 AM. The teams from that flight stand around the luggage carousel, and whose bags are off first? Well, Rob and Amber's, because they got on the flight last. "See you at the finish," Rob says as they leave. They run outside and hop into a cab. to get out are Brian and Greg (who say "lock and load" a lot, which makes me dig them even more), then Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and finally -- ha, ha, ha -- Alex and Lynn. I do believe that Fate selected them for smiting. I would have, too. At the clock tower, Rob and Amber pull up and look for the man in the raincoat. They spot him and hop out of the cab. They run up to the guy and get a clue, "Currently in 1st Place." And then the guy plays "Oye Como Va." Okay, not really. But wouldn't that have been the best? The clue tells the teams, as Phil explains, to take a 20-mile train ride to Tigre, and find the docks at 700 Lavalle. Rob asks the driver if the train station that's apparently sort of right there is the right one for the train to Tigre, and the driver confirms that it is. As they get on the train, they note that it will leave in ten minutes. Brian and Greg fetch their clue , then Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and Lynn and Alex. All of these teams get on the same train, so there is a super-bunch between all five teams that made the first plane out of Mendoza.

Meredith and Gretchen get their tickets for the 2:30 flight out of Mendoza. Then Ray and Deana, then Susan and Patrick. Upon seeing the other teams, Gretchen says, "We're still here! The ménage a trois!" Woooow, yuck. Forget what I said about there being too much bleach, like, anywhere. I'm just going to say this: Ray and Gretchen, and the audio thereof. See what I mean? I may never sleep again. The three trailing teams note that they will all be in a big tie as they get out of the Buenos Aires airport.

Commercials. I'm not even a shoe person, and I still noticed a shoe sale commercial in here that made me sit up and take notice. And it was because of a pink shoe. It may be that my essence is being altered.

We are still in the Mendoza airport when we come back, and Ray is still complaining. He says that they're on the flight with "an old couple and two people that weigh a buck-twenty." Guess what, asshole? You're there, fair and square, so choke on it. Their flight takes off.

Train to Tigre. Alex and Lynn look at a map with a local, trying to find the docks. Then they decide to go to the front of the train "so nobody sees." Sees what? "I don't want anyone to see on the map," Lynn says. They then talk about how up in the front of the train, they "can get off first." Which probably nobody else will think of, ha-HA! Brilliant. But then -- "Damn it," they say when they see that the plan to be in the front of the train has been swiped by that sneaky Rob and Amber, who also think it might be an advantage in a race to get off the train first. Rob is such a manipulator! He is so manipulative! Damn him! Alex tells us that they don't talk to Rob and Amber, and Lynn adds that they're "kind of like an STD; you've got to protect yourself from them, and the only way you can do it is just keep yourself away from them." Um. Okay. That's clearly Lynn's big joke on which he worked very hard, but it's missing something. Namely, a punch line. "They're like an STD" isn't a bad setup, but that's not a whole joke. They need to be like an STD in some particular way, and "you have to keep yourself away from them" isn't any good, because that isn't particularly distinctive to STDs -- that's applicable to any bad thing. "The only way you can protect yourself is to put a barrier between you and them" would have been okay. Or: "Not only do you not want anything to do with them; you don't want anything to do with anyone they've already touched." Or: "You don't even know they've infected you until it's already too late." You see my point. It's like saying, "Alex and Lynn are like a car accident. HA HA HA!" And then walking away, you know? Anyway.

The teams hop off the train at the Tigre train station. They run to the docks, which appear to be a short-to-middling jog away, and there, they find a clue box, leading to a Detour. The choices are Shipwreck or Island. In either task, you hop in a motorboat with a couple of guide/drivers and search. In Shipwreck, you search a seven-square-mile area for an abandoned ship you have to identify only from an old picture. In Island, you use a map and travel four miles of waterways looking for a particular island. Huh. This seems like a Detour that really is kind of a distinction without a difference -- it's the same skill either way. I don't think I've ever seen a Detour where the pros and cons of the options are...the same, basically. Lynn and Alex take the island; Rob and Amber take the boat. Before he gets into his boat, Rob verifies that the driver speaks English, "more or less." Heh. Probably about as much as you can expect. These two teams take off, in the lead at the Detour. Uchenna and Joyce, Ron and Kelly, and Brian and Greg take longer to get to the docks they need, so they're a little farther behind.

In the Rob and Amber boat, Rob introduces himself to his driver, which is pretty much always a good idea, if you're nice and you're not, you know, Jonathan. Lynn and Alex and Rob and Amber go in opposite directions, for which I am grateful, because I'm already tired of that entire story. "I just distest [sic] them," Lynn says. He hates them so much, he's been reduced to incoherence. Anyway, Uchenna and Joyce get to the docks . They choose the shipwreck and get in their boat. Ron and Kelly take the island; Brian and Greg take the ship. Everyone in boats.

Lynn and Alex hunt for their island. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber are zinging through the water when there is a loud sound, and Rob announces that "the boat just cracked in half." Apparently, of their two guides, one wants to go, and one wants to turn back. "I'm with Carlos," Rob says. "Let's go." You can just imagine the other guy, hunkered down in the boat all, "Fuckin' Carlos." Lynn and Alex's boat is encountering difficulties as well, but would you like to guess what Alex has to say about that? "At least Amber and Rob are nowhere in sight." Just in case you forgot for three minutes that the only thing they ever think about is racing against Rob and Amber. Speaking of whom, Rob and Amber head into a little inlet, where they find their boat. The guy emerges from the boat to give them their clue, and Rob calls out, "Hey, it's the Old Man and the Sea!" Bet you didn't see that coming. Who knew Rob had read the most boring book in the history of civilization? "Thanks, buddy!" Rob says. He rips the clue, which tells them to take a taxi to the pit stop. Phil explains that the pit stop is at Argentina's most prestigious polo club, so don't go spooking the horses. And the last team to get there, of course, may be Philiminated. Rob and Amber head back slowly toward the starting point, noting that they're still moving, but their boat is struggling.

Lynn and Alex's boat is also struggling. As a matter of fact, their driver is calling for a new boat entirely. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce are hunting for the boat, as are Greg and Brian -- and the boys go ahead and find the boat and the pit stop clue. Rob and Amber are going very slowly, and as Rob explains, they have to keep it very slow because the boat is apparently genuinely damaged from whatever that "cracked in half" thing was. Rob then explains that because Carlos was so good to them to help with the boat, he'd give him his Red Sox hat. Aww. I'm sure it's not his only one or anything, but still. Pretty cool, and a lot more personal than candy or American flags. In fact, it appears that basically, Rob and Carlos have traded caps. And that is awesome. They get back to shore, and thank their guys profusely, on account of the fact that they got back, and no one died. They get a cab as Greg and Brian do the same.

As Lynn and Alex await their replacement boat, Phil gives the usual patter regarding the fact that if a vehicle breaks down and it isn't your fault, you'll get a new one, but you won't get a time credit "for this unlucky situation." Lynn and Alex finally get their new boat and take off. Uchenna and Joyce are still looking, and Ron and Kelly are the first to find the island. They get the pit stop clue, and Kelly gives a hoot of victory. Oddly, as Uchenna and Joyce hunt for the boat, they instead find the island. Now, in the past, I'm almost sure there was a rule that you had to return to the clue box and -- I think they called it "re-declare" or something -- if you were going to take the other Detour option from the one you initially chose. But like a lot of rules that may have only ever existed in the sunlight-speckled forest of my imagination, that one seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird, because Uchenna and Joyce are apparently free to take the island clue over which they have stumbled. They head back toward the dock. Alex and Lynn find the island flag , as they note that they've had a rough day with the boat and so forth. I'm telling you, it's the gloating before the wheels are up. Never, never engage in pre-gloating. It's an enormous red flag waving in front of the angry bull that is your karma. Alex and Lynn wind up getting a cab before Uchenna and Joyce, however, so not everything is working against them.

In the Rob and Amber cab, he is delighting in how they have this way of getting lucky at certain key moments. "Luck has always been on my side," he grins. "It's like I was born with a horseshoe." He pauses. "Right up my ass," he adds. Hee. Greg and Brian are near the pit stop, too, and they really would like to be first, understandably. Because they haven't yet won the ability to travel together and maybe meet some more chicks. But when we go to the mat and Phil and the greeter, it's...well, it's Rob and Amber stepping on the mat first. They excitedly hug and punch each other. They also find out that they've won a trip to London. Phil asks them about the fact that people had a lot of doubts about the decision to quit yesterday, and Amber basically says that it didn't hurt them any, so, whatever. "That's two trips down, two first places down...more to come." And I'm telling you right now, they are certainly not going to win. If that's a concern of yours, it shouldn't be. This is classic pre-elimination editing, to me, where they show people talking a lot about how great they're doing and how great they're going to do. So if you don't like them? Be of good cheer. Oh, and there they go out of the episode again at the 40-minute mark.

to the mat are Greg and Brian. They high-five. "Movin' up the ladder," they comment.

In the Ron and Kelly cab, Ron thinks that no time is the wrong time to insult your taxi driver, so he comments that "Pokey is takin' his time." Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex's cab stops at a gas station, and they can't tell at first whether their guy needs directions or needs gas. Unfortunately, when they see him standing around talking to a bunch of other people, it occurs to them that this is not a simple refueling. I think the horseshoe up Rob's ass may have some abilities beyond simply the bringing of good luck.

Uchenna and Joyce, on the other hand, are heading straight for the pit stop. Welcome, Uchenna and Joyce, you are team number three. And also, you rock. And also, we're sorry about what your mean companies did to your retirement plans. Let's pass the hat!

? Welcome, Ron and Kelly. You are team number four. I have nothing to say to you, much as you have nothing to say to each other, or to the world. It's nice to know that neither adversity nor the receipt of a crown necessarily renders you interesting.

Lynn yells at Alex as they come up on the mat as team number five. Lynn makes a stab at graciousness in saying that "luck is part of the game," which is better than some ways he could have behaved, but I'd be interested in whether he would say the same about times when they've been lucky, or times when other people have been or will be unlucky. After all, when you go from first to fifth, that's sort of the easiest time to acknowledge the cruel hand of fate, right? In other words, that was a nice response, but we'll see how it holds up.

And now, the second flight lands in Buenos Aires. Susan and Patrick, Ray and Deana, Gretchen and Meredith. "There's no way I'm losin' to them," says Ray of Gretchen and Meredith once he's in his cab. "They're a couple decades beyond where they need to be." Yeah, let's hear from you some more, Crank With 27-Year-Old Girlfriend Who Is Himself A Craggy 44. They're barely "a couple decades" older than you are, you maroon. Having a girlfriend who's in her twenties doesn't mean your team is in its twenties. And then finally, Patrick and Susan get in a taxi. Ray is still blathering on about how the other two teams they're stuck with are weak, and how painful it would be to be eliminated over those two teams. Of course, according to Miss Alli's Theory Of You Should Suffer Whatever Fate You Earnestly Declare Yourself Too Good For, I immediately want Ray and Deana eliminated even more than I already did. I think their driver agrees with me, because he starts by taking them to the wrong place. Or maybe he just doesn't support ageism. This delay allows Meredith and Gretchen to get to the clock tower first, in spite of the many, many decades past "where they need to be" they find themselves. They get the clue; they get on the train. Ray and Deana are just behind them. Susan and Patrick, however, are a bit too far behind, and don't get the same train as the other two teams. In a weird development, however, Susan and Patrick are so convinced that they got to the train as fast as they possibly could have that they assume that the other teams must be behind them and not in front of them. So they're praying for the doors of the train to close without another team getting on, because they don't realize that there are no more teams. That's so painful when that happens.

Commercials. Christina Applegate certainly has staying power; I'll give her that. She may be eternal. Someday, it's going to be, like, Don't Tell The United Way The Meals On Wheels Driver's Dead.

On the lead train, Gretchen is explaining again that Patrick and Susan didn't make it on the same train with her and Meredith and Ray and Deana. At 5:35 PM, they hop off the train in Tigre. Meredith and Gretchen get a taxi to the docks, while Ray and Deana choose to walk.

According to the captioning, Patrick and Susan are only three minutes behind as they get off the train at 5:38 PM. They head down toward the docks. Gretchen and Meredith, meanwhile, get out of their taxi at said docks and pull the clue for the Detour. They choose the island. Ray and Deana and Susan and Patrick are both running toward the clue boxes. As Susan and Patrick approach, they spot Meredith and Gretchen and realize they're not ahead the way they hoped. And Ray and Deana are approaching as well, and Ray is none too happy to see the "oldsters" out ahead of him. Susan and Patrick and Ray and Deana essentially get to the clue box at the same time, and both teams decide to do the island. Before long, however, Patrick and Susan's boat dies. "That was the end of Patrick and Susan," he declares, because the best thing to do at a time like this is definitely to quit. Quit! Immediately!

Ray and Deana keep looking. Meredith and Gretchen keep looking. Deana asks Ray if he thinks they should go another way. "No. I'm confident; don't second-guess me anymore," he declares. God, that is such an unsettling dynamic. They find the island, which is a good thing, because I can't stand to watch them anymore. And then as they're leaving, they run into Meredith and Gretchen. Deana makes a gesture with her arms that seems to suggest that they haven't found the thing yet in that direction, so Meredith and Gretchen resolve to follow Ray and Deana, even though Ray and Deana are actually heading back to the dock. Very foolish. "These people don't belong in this game with us," Ray flatly states. Because he is a big, big jerkweed. He needs to be sprayed with Jerkweed-B-Gone. Or hit with an edge trimmer.

Patrick and Susan are floating, floating in their boat, and she is encouraging him not to give up yet. "I don't know why you would want to stay in," he says. She doesn't get what's with the attitude. He gives her all sorts of "whatever" nonsense as they climb into their replacement boat. Apparently, Patrick has also never seen the show, and therefore doesn't know that if there's one thing you can know, it's that you never know.

Meredith and Gretchen are still following Ray and Deana, but now, they're beginning to figure out that something is amiss. "Sweetheart, I'm baffled," Meredith says, and Gretchen agrees. "I think we need to turn around," she says. And elsewhere, Susan is still trying to find the island and asking Patrick which way he thinks they should go. "I don't even know, you know? Like, don't ask," he says. She points out that they need to keep going "if there's any inkling of hope." Which is very true. "Mom, there's no inkling of hope," he says, showing all the pluck and stick-to-it-iveness of an eight-year-old who doesn't learn to play "Chopsticks" on the piano on the first try and thus concludes that music is stupid and besides, he would rather be a ventriloquist.

Ray and Deana's boat. "I'm not losing to a 70-year-old man and his wife, even if it were checkers." They get out of the boat and get a taxi to the pit stop. Meredith and Gretchen, meanwhile, get to the flag and realize that they were right at it before when Ray and Deana got them turned around. "I guess he was lyin' to us," Meredith says on the way back with the clue. "It's part of the game," he says, which it doesn't have to be, obviously, but which it sometimes is. I think following people is so foolish at this point that it's hard for me to choke out a lot of sympathy, but Ray is still a jackhole. I mean, he's a jackhole because he is one, not because he diverted them when they tried to follow him, you know? Meredith and Gretchen get a cab. Susan and Patrick finally find the island and get their clue, Patrick complaining the entire time about how "stupid" it is. Susan and Patrick get a cab. "Let's just get this over with," Patrick snots. I wonder if he's met Flo.

Phil. Greeter. Mat. Welcome, Ray and Deana, you're team number six. "I'll take it. For now," Ray says ominously. Jerk.

Meredith and Gretchen and Susan and Patrick are "racing" to the mat. Of course, Patrick is sitting there like he doesn't give a crap, which kind of detracts from the whole thing a little bit. And up to the mat, it's Meredith and Gretchen. Welcome, you are team number seven. "The most amazing thing is that we're still upright," Meredith says. Hee hee.

Hi, Susan and Patrick. You're last. And you're Philiminated. Susan starts to cry. Phil asks Patrick why he thinks staying in the race was important to her. "Why don't you answer that, Mom?" he says, operating on the assumption that you don't have to baby your mom just because she's, you know, weeping. Susan says that they had a bad day, and there wasn't anything they could do about the boat. In their final interview, she says that Patrick's "pessimism" created problems for her, as she has a tendency to see the glass half-full, and he always sees it half-empty. On the mat, she tells Phil that she "wanted to keep trying." Patrick interviews that as a "realist," he gets frustrated at "optimism that [he doesn't] think is real." And then he adds, "Maybe I need to lighten up." Yeah, maybe. That interview was exceedingly uncomfortable, people.

Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Two hours! Bloodied Gretchen! Boys in car crashes! Happy Uchenna and Joyce! What drama.