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Adventures in Botswana continue as the teams start with a clue hunt that sends Brian and Greg into a spin. From there, they head to a Detour that includes goat-milking and the fine art of carrying stuff on your head. Ron and Kelly bicker their way through the goat-milking, while Lynn digs himself into a controversial hole with a crack about Uchenna and Joyce being "born to" carry things on their heads. Oh, and Rob and Amber are highly functional and work their way into first place again. The Roadblock involves dragging logs and driving through water, and it turns out to be surprisingly uneventful, except for the teams who don't properly complete it. Both Meredith and Gretchen and Uchenna and Joyce are sent back after arriving on the mat, but both manage to solve their problems fairly quickly. Not so Brian and Greg, who appear to be well behind for the entire leg, so severe was their mishandling of the very first clue. They decide to hope for a non-elimination and show up at the mat wearing only swimsuits and warm hats (heh), daring Phil to leave them to soldier on with nothing but that to their names. Heartbreak ensues when it is not, in fact, a non-elimination round, and the brothers are sent home. Well, at least they outlasted Ray and Deana. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Good 1, Evil 0: Everyone hauled ass from Argentina to South Africa, and Ray and Deana snagged the Fast Forward. Rob and Amber, on the other hand, learned that neither "Fast" nor "Forward" is any kind of an enforceable contract provision. Gretchen cracked her head on the side of a cave, but was surprisingly unfazed, to the point where she barely stopped nagging her husband (in the best way) to get the damn clue so they could leave. They did arrive last at the pit stop, though, and while it was non-elimination, it was also even more of a mugging than before, as Phil took not only all their money but all of their stuff as well, probably scoring some kick-ass old-man pants and a giant can of antifungal foot powder. Uchenna and Joyce were the nicest people ever, reaching out to orphans and the elderly within a span of about five minutes. : Uchenna and Joyce play Twister at a leper colony! Then in Botswana, Greg and Brian crashed their car, and Lynn and Alex stopped for the sole purpose of showing that their deep-seated human compassion was morally superior to the mad drive-by skillz of Rob and Amber, which it kind of was at that particular moment. Unfortunately, every time compassion tried to take a well-deserved bow, self-righteousness pushed it out of the way, like, "This is my show, bitches." Ray and Deana fought at the Detour to the point where they couldn't even pound corn (not a euphemism, not that I think they were doing much of that, either), and it all led to a highly dramatic foot race to the pit stop, in which Ray and Deana found their asses smoked by the delectable Brian and Greg. Thank God. Go home, people. My sense is that Deana needs a chemical peel, a new boyfriend, and about twenty-four straight days of uninterrupted sleep. Get a clue, Ray: In Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts married Richard Gere, not Christopher Meloni, and imagine how undesirable Christopher Meloni's personality traits would have to be in order for that to occur. Climbing Annapurna is not a honeymoon! Anyway. Six teams left. Who will be Philiminated...?
Credits. I can't believe there are literally two American flags in the background of the Ron and Kelly shot. I'm surprised there's not a big Uncle Sam walking around on stilts with sparklers in both hands while a marching band replete with tubas goes by. [BOMP.]
Commercials. My argument with myself over whether I'm going to go see Fever Pitch has reached the point where a professional mediator may be required.
We jerkily jerk around until it is time to settle over the plains of Botswana (the desert, the flatlands...I'm not National Geographic over here, y'all) and then we observe a large knot of elephants who undoubtedly were not asked to sign releases, and thus are trying to keep their faces away from the cameras in favor of their enormous rear ends. Phil explains that we are here in the Kalahari desert, and the assortment of wildlife is really rather stunning. Ostriches! Lions! Zebras! And then there is the salt pan where we find our pit stop, which Phil believes to be "reminiscent of the surface of the moon." Note the absence of gravity, and the golf ball that Phil just shot into the stratosphere using only the power of one foot. Not really. At least he's dressed nicely.
We watch yesterday's footage of the teams arriving as Phil explains in the Patter of Little Feats how they'll have to find their way to the route marker and so forth. And they'll use "clues." Like "Drive from Point A to Point B." I'd have a better joke here if it were a surer bet that everyone would decipher such a "clue."
Phil wonders whether Ron and Kelly's All-American relationship will traverse the heartlands of their empty souls and arrive, breathless and swollen with jingoistic passion, at the Lincoln Memorial of love. I swear, this is the only couple I've ever seen where I can totally imagine the first dance at their wedding being "God Bless The U.S.A." And she would wear this dress -- which I first found here, incidentally, and could not imagine who might wear it. You know who would wear it? Kelly. Anyway, Phil also ponders whether Brian and Greg can dig their asses out of last place.
5:29 AM. Just as things are all twilighty, it's time for Ron and Kelly to rip their clue and go. It tells them to drive 141 miles, as Phil explains, past the city of Maun and to Sankuyo Village. There, they'll find a water tower where the clue is located. Rather revoltingly, Kelly explains in a voice-over that she was reading "the love chapter in the Bible" and substituting her name for the word "love." No, really. NO, REALLY. She was changing the Bible so it was about herself, and if I could wrap up the irony and stupidity of that sentiment and make it into a button, I would wear it on my lapel every day until I'm dead, because are you kidding me? Nevertheless, we'll give Kelly the benefit of the New American Standard version so that it actually says "love" and not "charity," which is what the King James says. The Bible really isn't a Celine Dion ballad, after all, not that I expect Kelly to get that, particularly. Anyway, if you want to see what she's talking about, you can do so here. So, she claims that she was trying to take this new Kelly-centric Bible and make it instructive regarding the way she's going to treat Ron today. Let's follow along and see how she does! Ron, meanwhile, says he hasn't been thinking about their relationship. Snerk. They are totally that couple where she would turn around in the middle of a fight and snap, "This would never happen if you really loved Jesus!", and somehow I sense that he'd be chewing, probably, and he'd be all, "What?" They follow markers away from the pit stop toward, presumably, Maun. And, one hopes, redemption.
5:43 AM. Rob and Amber. Amber tells us that she thinks doing the race is great, but she's especially happy that they're getting along so well and having such a good time. Rob, taking a slightly darker view, interviews that they "have no friends left," which I'm sure is quite a rude surprise for Rob, considering how hard he's been trying, all in hopes that he could go out for president of the Rotarians on the strength of his shit-eating grin. How, really, could he have known it would end up this way? In the car, he comments on how beautiful Botswana is. Ah, Rob. Botswana will never love you back, my man.
5:51 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. We learn that the teams have $85 for the leg. They jog to their car, and Uchenna talks about how happy they are to find themselves in Africa. And alive, and driving, and talking, and wearing clothes, and really, everything makes them happy, but not in a gross way, which is very hard to do. Uchenna's father, it turns out, is a native Nigerian, so he's finding it pretty profound to "put your feet on soil that your ancestors actually are from." Man, I feel the same way every time I'm, like, in the suburbs. They follow the markers away from the pit stop.
5:52 AM. Lynn and Alex. Unsurprisingly, Alex believes that he and Lynn are playing differently than anyone else. And I don't want to give anything away, but you should know that they don't exactly think that they way they play the game makes them less awesome than everyone else. He goes on to say that while other teams are "dirty," he and Lynn are "good, honest players," but are just "sneaky." That's quite a piece of spin. Dirty is dirty, unless it's you -- then it's just sneaky! If I ever get caught in a giant scandal, I am totally hiring these guys as my spinmeisters. They do it with such righteous conviction, you know?
6:12 AM. Happy tootling music swiped from Lion King outtakes brings us to Meredith and Gretchen, who have now officially lasted longer than they should have under any logical version of events, and are thus an unavoidably happy story, because it's all Gravy Time now, baby! Besides, I know that speaking for myself, I'm never more cheerful than right after a head injury. Gretchen talks about what a "miracle" it is that they're still around, and how "anything can happen in this game, that's for sure." Oh, and "it's good to be alive." I'm telling you, having no excuse for not having already been eliminated really takes a lot of the pressure off. They watch for markers, and are happy to finally see one.
6:22 AM. Giving proper love to the Game Show Network, Brian rips open their clue with a hearty "Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies." Hee. I'm not sure when I reached the point of being able to entirely forgive him for the fact that he has a stupid bandanna tied around his head at all times, but I'm kind of over it. It's shocking, given that it's sort of one of my signature gripes. Maybe some part of me knows that if I could see his hair, it would all be so much worse. Greg says that they really think all the teams are strong at this point, but they've got Meredith and Gretchen not far ahead of them, so they'd love to successfully knock off the old people today. As they drive, Brian comments on the "fresh tracks" in front of them. "I see the dirt hasn't been settled very long," he says seriously. "The old wise bushman from the other day taught me to read tracks." Snerk. They admire the sunrise and comment on all the sunrises they've seen together. "Yeah," Greg says. "We should be dating." Well, yes. Yes, you should. Oh, you meant each other? Huh. I was thinking of...something else.
Ron and Kelly reach the sign that says that Maun is to the left and Nata is to the right. Kelly tells him to go left, toward Maun. He forgets why that is, and she tightly says, "I read it to you earlier." ("Kelly is patient." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:4.) He hesitates about following the route markers, and then before you know it, they're driving along, and she's asking him whether she's "gotten on [his] nerves a lot." Oh, that's really smart, not. "Naw, not at all," he says unconvincingly. And then he looks around with this awesome little smile like, "I can't see her back there -- is she buying?" ["I would comment on this, but I'm too busy making a homemade 'Free Ron' t-shirt with a Sharpie." -- Sars]
Rob mentions that it's a "pretty nice day here in Africa." Amber agrees, as she is wont to do. "It's only about 140 degrees today," he adds, as an ostrich jogs along the road ahead of them. "Get outta he-ah," he says with surprise, giving a little ostrich-chasing honk. "This is crazy," Amber laughs as she looks at what are actually several ostriches frolicking along the road. She compares this favorably to your average animal crossing, with its deer and so forth. She tells us in an interview that going on an African safari was one of the things she has always wanted to do, so this was an awesome opportunity. Of course, she was likely envisioning an African safari where she would be competing against animals for a million dollars or something, but this will have to do. "We're just trying to keep it all in our heads and remember everything, 'cause we're just so lucky," he says. "We're the two luckiest people in the world," she comments simply. (Somewhere, Lex cracks a molar while grinding his teeth.)
Uchenna and Joyce turn toward Maun. Lynn and Alex, just behind them, notice that Uchenna and Joyce are going a little slowly, and they decide to pass. They beep-beep and wave as they go by, which is like gloating, only more passive-aggressive. Uchenna and Joyce comment on their unhappiness at being passed. Up ahead, Lynn is enthralled by the appearance in the road of a bunch of cows. As it happens, the cows part as he approaches. Wow. Maybe that's his superpower. Wouldn't that suck if you turned out to have a totally unmarketable talent, like parting a sea of cows with your mind? Anyway, Lynn doesn't seem to mind. "Oh, thank you, cow-cow," he says with affection, sure that they are stepping aside because he stopped to help Brian and Greg when their car flipped, unlike you-know-who. "It's weird when there are animals ker-rossing the road," Lynn says emphatically. Uchenna and Joyce have to honk a bit more to clear out one particularly stubborn errant cow, but they get through as well.
Meredith and Gretchen come up to a structure along the road, and she wonders aloud whether it's the water tower. But when they drive in and look around, they see no clue box anywhere. Then Gretchen checks the clue and notes that they have to drive through Maun first, so this can't possibly be the water tower yet. They continue on, and they see the sign for Maun and get going.
Just behind them, Brian and Greg also see the same thing by the side of the road. Or perhaps a different thing, but equally distracting in that it tempts them with the siren song: "I may be a waaaater tower."
Up ahead, Ron and Kelly take a dunk through a giant puddle of water. They are at the water tower, so they park their car and get out. The clue is for this week's Detour, which Phil explains offers a choice between Carry It and Milk It. In Carry It, each team member has to carry three different items on his head about 70 yards. And no hands, you cheaters! As if anyone didn't get that part. (I know -- if they didn't give specific instructions, Rob would be like, "Can I hold Amber's with my hands, and she can hold mine with her hands, and then neither of us would be touching our own blah blah blah," and the show would need to travel with a panel of legal scholars, and the forums would get 300,000 posts a week, and I would have to quit my job. Anyway.) In Milk It, the team has to corral a goat or several and then squeeze out enough milk to fill a cup. Phil promises that milking goats isn't as easy as it seems like it would be. It's really sad, because I only have the one goat joke, and if I tell you here that milking goats is hard because all of a sudden, they may spit out a tin can and a shoe and hit you in the eye, you'd be like, "Hmm, I've heard that before." It's like goats eating trash is my "congressional filibuster."
Ron and Kelly head for the goats initially, but they sort of run into the Carry It option on the way there, and Ron doesn't think it looks that bad. The first thing they do is put on a little donut on top of your head to make it easier to carry stuff. They choose to start with what's probably the hardest item, which is a bucket of water. Kelly immediately says it's going to be awfully hard to walk with the water on her head. "Stick it on your head and walk; you're the ballet girl," he says to her. She repeats that she can't do it; he repeats that from ballet, she should know how to do this. "I don't balance buckets on my head and do pirouettes," she snaps. ("Kelly is not provoked." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Ron says that if they're going to go for the goats, then they need to decide, so she announces that yes, she can't do the water, so they're switching. "Miss Ballet can't balance the bucket," he mutters.
Rob and Amber approach the Detour clue box and note that there's another team ahead of them. They rip the clue and are both inclined to do the goats. "This should be very amusing," Amber adds. I'm not sure the goats will feel the same way.
Back at what is definitely not the water tower, Brian and Greg get out of their car. When they don't see a clue, Brian theorizes that perhaps they have to climb it. So he starts to climb up the side. Oy. Then they read it again and see that it says the clue will be under the water tower. So...yeah, not so much with the climbing. Brian starts back down, muttering, "I'm climbing the water tower...for no reason." They agree that they're "idiots," and obviously aren't sure what to do. Sniff.
Commercials. Locusts! Oh, I'll make time.
Brian and Greg are still staring at the water tower when we return, but they decide that it has to be the wrong one, because they just don't see a clue. They get in their car. And now, they finally look at the clue again and finally see that they have to pass through Maun. They make the left toward Maun. Yikes.
Ron and Kelly grab a few goats, and the camera guys grab a few extra shots of Kelly's cleavage as they wrestle for control. (As Ron and Kelly wrestle for control with the goats. You people are so tacky.) They see Rob and Amber arriving, and Kelly frets about how they lost time. "If we make a decision at the beginning, we need to stick with it," she complains, focusing on the part where Ron got it in his head to do the balancing, rather than the part where she bailed on said balancing. ("Kelly does not take into account a wrong suffered." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Ron has noticed this, and points out that if she could balance the bucket, they wouldn't be in this situation at all. Man, this is exactly like bombing downtown Baghdad.
Rob and Amber get the impression that the goats look tough, so he says, "Let's go do the oth-ah thing." They head toward the carrying. She immediately takes to it, and Rob praises her, but he can't keep up with her. Interestingly enough, he specifically has taken his hat off to do this, and the EEFPs noticed that in all likelihood, he'd be better off with it on. Ultimately, as he struggles, she says simply, "If you can't do it, tell me right now." "Yeah," he says, putting down the corn and cutting his losses. "We think we can do the goats a little bit better," Amber says diplomatically as they run in that direction. They haul goats from the pen, as Rob says to one of them, "Watch your horn, buddy." Heh. Rob and the goat are buddies. It seems oddly appropriate.
Ron snipes to Kelly that the carrying would really be faster, but she repeats that she wasn't able to do it. Rob and Amber, meanwhile, get started on their goats.
Lynn and Alex are talking about their car, and whether you'd need one in L.A., and I'm rapidly losing interest in this conversation from what started as a fairly low level of interest in the first place. Uchenna and Joyce admire the roadside ostriches. Gretchen cautions Meredith not to hit any animals. Brian and Greg lament how badly they're doing. I have a feeling the boys spent a lot of time at that "water tower" that wasn't.
Up at the Detour, hillbilly music accompanies the ongoing attempts at milking. A goat complains relatively affably, all things considered, and Ron replies, "I got your nipple in a noose." I involuntarily flinch on behalf of my people, much as men involuntarily flinch when a soccer player takes a penalty kick directly to the wonderfulness. Rob, on the other hand, thinks that one of their goats is becoming jealous that "he" hasn't been milked yet. I'm no farm girl, and I don't want a bunch of emails, but I really don't think it's a "he," Rob. Amber calls their current goat "he" also.
Lynn and Alex and Uchenna and Joyce, closely followed by Meredith and Gretchen, hit the Detour clue box. The boys and retirees go with the milking; Uchenna and Joyce go with the carrying. Ron and Kelly are still milking their goats, and -- there are Kelly's boobs again! ("Kelly does not act unbecomingly." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Amber continues milking, and Rob wonders, "This is the best teat so far." Oh, teat jokes. How you do materialize with almost no effort. As Lynn and Alex arrive, Lynn looks over at Rob and Amber, makes a loud "baa" sound, and claps his hands several times. I thought it was fairly obvious that he was trying to see if he could fuck them up and scare their goats or whatever, so I certainly hope not to see too much moralizing from him in the future. One can imagine how he would react to similar treatment from Rob. When Lynn and Alex see that Rob and Amber are still there and have presumably been around for a while, they decide to go and try Carry It. As they run off, having made their noisy presence known, Rob can only shake his head. Me too.
Ron and Kelly note the arrival of Meredith and Gretchen. "Here's a goat that has nice big teats!" Gretchen sort of brays, and...it's true. "Teats" is like "chest cavity"; it's inherently funny. Yeah, yeah, you're "too good" for it. I've heard it before.
Uchenna and Joyce start out with the carrying. Lynn and Alex are trying it as well. Lynn is skeptical, but Alex says, "It's just like modeling." And...are we thinking Lynn knows modeling? Because...I don't mean to be catty, but...is that going to make it more familiar to Lynn? Uchenna and Joyce have little trouble with the first thing they carry, which is the big round tray of corn that Rob kept dropping. I think that among other things, Uchenna figured out that there's not that much benefit in being too slow, so he's just trying to keep himself moving as fast as possible. He actually whistles while stomping across to the finish lines, and he's there in no time, followed by Joyce. Lynn, on the other hand, can't get anywhere with the basket on his head. "Alex, let's do the goats," he whines, and he and Alex run off. But not before Lynn adds, "I mean, Uchenna and Joyce, they were, like, born to do that." Oh, boy. I mean...does it make him a honking racist? No. Does it make him hopelessly tin-eared? Oh, my, yes. And is it probably an unfortunate outburst of insensitivity brought on by frustration and fed by very real stereotypes? Oh, probably. Very, very bad, dude. I realize there were those who hoped it was just kind of congratulatory, like, "Wow, they're great at this!", but I think that's just...too optimistic. The tone is too frustrated, like, "Well, sure, they can do it." And "born to do this"? Yeah, he doesn't mean anything by it, but when you put it together with "Tupac" and all that? Not a shining moment, and not indicative of a high level of care in speaking, for a guy who bitches so much about other people's moral failings.
Kelly offers to do some of the milking. "It isn't going to help for you to squeeze, 'cause I know how to do this," Ron tells her. She voices over that Ron was acting "like a drill sergeant." "You're doing so good, baby," Rob tells Amber, and then offers to hold the cup. They keep working. Meredith and Gretchen get moving. Meanwhile, Lynn and Alex have returned, and Lynn goes into the pen and starts bitching at the goats. "Hey, stop it. Seriously!" Not as funny as he thinks, that bit. Of course, having one goat joke, I should talk.
Uchenna walks with the bucket of water on his head, and encourages Joyce to "feel the water, sweetie," whatever that means. I don't care -- they're divine.
Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber are both almost done with their milking. Ron and Kelly finish first, and they get a clue telling them to drive to a point along the Khwai River. There, they'll get another clue. Ron and Kelly take off. Kelly complains in the car that she would have liked to work on the milking. "You could've gotten down there in the beginning and done it," Ron says, apparently arguing that once he had it figured out, it didn't make sense for them to switch off, which is probably true. He reminds her that he would have liked to do the water-balancing, after all. "Just get over it," Kelly says.
Rob and Amber turn in their cup of milk and get their clue. They leave. "Rob and Amber finished," Lynn and Alex fret. They hate it when Rob and Amber do stuff!
Uchenna and Joyce finish carrying the water. They go back and get the last item, and then they're done. Wow. Fast. They get their clue and leave. "Ladies first," he says, excited and holding the door open for her. Swooooon. Yeah, I know, I know, but...swoooooon. In the car, she talks about how great it was to make up ground. "The thing is," he says, "village people from my father's village do the same thing. I've seen it a thousand times. It's like, hey, my African roots are kickin' in!" And -- no, not those Village People, smarty-pants.
Lynn and Alex are still milking. "I have a whole new appreciation for goat cheese now," Lynn says, rather ostentatiously trying to come up with his Funny Goat Joke for this segment. Unfortunately, not very funny. I feel him. Meredith and Gretchen keep trying, and they actually finish. Lynn and Alex aren't happy to see this either, but Meredith and Gretchen get their clue and move along. "They're gonna get lost," Lynn says of Meredith and Gretchen as they leave. "They're so stupid." Nice. Pick on the old lady who so recently was bleeding from the head and who is at this moment ahead of you. Jerk. Meredith and Gretchen get directions.
"How many gay guys does it take to milk a goat?" Lynn asks, making Attempt #2 at his Funny Goat Joke. Again? Not very funny. Not so easy, is it, smart guy? They finally turn in their cup of milk and get their clue. In the car, they wonder where Brian and Greg were. And now, bringing up the rear, we do in fact see Brian and Greg, pulling into the Detour and choosing the goats. They wish out loud for some Frosted Flakes or Cheerios. Hee. Breakfast jokes are always in order.
Ron and Kelly drive through the bush as Kelly stares unhappily ahead. In the Rob and Amber car, Amber says that she thinks the difference between herself and Rob and Ron and Kelly is that she and Rob "use teamwork." "Kelly didn't want to get her pretty little hands dirty," Rob says, which is interestingly not exactly the problem -- it was more that she didn't want to do it until she saw that it wasn't hard, and then she wanted a turn. ["Which is even worse. If you're going to be a princess, be a princess a hundred percent." -- Sars] "My girl got in there and got the job done," he says firmly. He doesn't need to bitch about Kelly, really, but I never fault a guy who has nothing but happy things to say about his fiancée. And in the back seat, Amber does look mighty pleased.
Uchenna and Joyce watch as a bunch of...gazelles?...crosses the road in front of them. "Talk about grace," he says admiringly. Oh, and Meredith and Gretchen are indeed beginning to wonder if they're lost. In other karmic news, Lynn and Alex, the Boyfriends Of Bitching About Old People And Wishing Them Ill, find that their car spontaneously conks out while they're driving. I sort envision some hose under the hood being like, "This one is for Meredith and Gretchen!" and popping a hole in itself, all civil-disobedience and stuff. They get out and assess the situation. And by "assess the situation," I mean "look around a lot and complain." So now, they have to hang out and wait for a replacement car. Loitering follows.
Commercials. Sorry, but the goddess in me is not revealed through razors, even if they are named "Venus."
When we come back, Lynn and Alex are still standing around. But their replacement car is on the way, so they hop in and go. Back at the Detour, Brian and Greg admire the foam on their cup of milk, comparing it to a cappuccino. Yes, yes. Hilarious. MOVE IT.
As Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber drive, there is suddenly an elephant in the road. Amber gasps. "Check it out," Ron says to an elephant's fanny. Amber goes on about "oh, my God" and all of that, rather surprised to be just kind of driving along and running into, you know, elephants. Up ahead is the clue box, and Ron and Kelly are the first to reach it. It's a Roadblock. Phil explains that one team member has to drive through a "crocodile-infested river crossing." Man, I can't believe Phil missed the opportunity to do his Crocodile Hunter impression. He could have been like, "Nev-ah tawwwnt these," and then poked a crocodile in the head with an unbent clothes hanger. Anyway, after they cross the river, they'll continue to a place where there's sort of an obstacle course blocked with fallen logs. The Roadblocker will have to drag two logs out of the way by strapping them to the car and hauling them off. Ron and Rob take the Roadblock for their respective teams.
Ron drives through the water. Rob does the same. What's awesome is that when you do this, the water actually comes in through all the stuff in your dashboard. It's crazy, I tell you.
And then we are back with Uchenna and Joyce, where we should spend as much time as possible, and happy music is playing, and they are thrilled to be staring at a bunch of zebras. They pull up to the Roadblock clue, and he takes it. Back in their car, he takes them through the water. As they get toward the other side, the car...stalls. He starts it again, through, and it eases up out of the river. Yikes.
Meredith and Gretchen pass some elephants on the way to the Roadblock. "Oh...boy," she says. Awww. "Well, I'm happy now; I got to see the elephant," she says. And I really do think they are feeling less pressure than anyone. They've had so much go wrong that they couldn't possibly feel bad about being eliminated at this point, so there's nothing to do but just sort of go on. They come up to the Roadblock, and he takes it. Following them are Lynn and Alex. They figure Alex really needs to take the Roadblock for the sake of balance, even though they sort of fear it might be driving-related. After they see the clue and are rather dismayed, they explain to us that Alex isn't great with stick shift, so they weren't sure what to make of his chances at this.
Back at goats. Brian and Greg are milking. They finish filling up their cup and get moving.
Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber arrive at the Roadblock. They each pick a course to follow and remove the corresponding post from the ground. There is driving. Rob lashes a log to the front of the car. Ron does the same. Both of the women tell the boys to hurry up. The first sign of trouble for Ron and Kelly comes at the conclusion of the first log pull, when Kelly says, "Hurry, Ron, hurry, Ron," and Ron says, "Shut up. I'm doin' it as fast as I can." Ooooh, she is so going to tell somebody on him. Probably his mother.
Uchenna and Joyce approach the Roadblock area, and she tells him how they have to remove the post that marks the path they choose to clear. For whatever reason, though, when they get there, instead of pulling the post, they pull the ribbon off the post. Not clear exactly what the confusion was about there. The clue is pretty unambiguous, but I guess a brain freeze can happen to anyone.
Rob and Amber get to their second log, aware that they're now ahead of Ron and Kelly. Rob pulls the second log out of the way just as Ron is finishing the first one. Oh, and Kelly prays for God to make them get the logs out of the way faster. ("Kelly endures all things." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:7.)
Uchenna works on the first log. He finishes it, and they move on. Elsewhere, Meredith and Gretchen are admiring a gaggle of giraffes. "Oh, my gosh," she says. Hee. Exactly! That is exactly what you should say to a pile of giraffes, is "Oh, my gosh." I'd go so far as to say it's a rule, or it should be a rule.
Alex prepares to drive the car across the river, and Lynn gives him step-by-step instructions. It's pretty cute, actually, and pretty functional, the way Lynn tells him at every moment what to do now. Not everybody could pull that off, so I give Lynn his due. I certainly couldn't do it, given that I would either forget which pedal was which when I didn't have my feet on them or hit the person I was trying to instruct. They get through the river and go.
Brian and Greg marvel at the elephants as they pass them. They sort of almost roar back at the elephants, like you would at a really awesome frat party.
Rob completes the Roadblock, and they're ready to go. They stop and grab their clue on their way out. The clue tells them to drive to the pit stop at the Khwai River Lodge. And the last team to arrive may be eliminated. Rob and Amber hop in their car and go, which makes a trailing Kelly very unhappy. "Come on," she nags whiningly as he finishes the last log. ("Kelly bears all things." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:7.) "Kelly, chill for a minute," Ron says, and then he hops back in the car. As they drive along, Kelly says, "I have nothin' to say to you now. What you just said to me was absolutely rude." Ron stops, and they hop out and get their clue. "You need a new attitude," she says when they are on their way. ("Kelly is not arrogant." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:4.) "So what did I say to you?" asks a confused Ron. "I don't even know what I said." Kelly knows, though. "You said, 'Shut the F up' to me," she says coolly. ("Kelly rejoices with the truth." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:6.) Ron is shocked. "No, I didn't," he tells her. "That's what you just said," she repeats. "Yeah, you did." "No, I did not!" he says, unsure when she turned kee-razy. "Ah really don't think ah said 'shut the eff uuup,'" Ron says, probably thinking that if he said it while in a fugue state and therefore missed it, he really is sorry, because he would have enjoyed being conscious for that moment. "You've been acting like a jerk to me all day today," she says. "You're a piece of trash redneck." ("Kelly is kind." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:4.) ["Let she who is without tank-top-cut-down-to-Jesus butt-crack-chest cast the first piece-of-trash stone." -- 2 Sarssalonians 3:4]
Uchenna and Joyce complete the task, and they stop to grab their clue. They read it and head for the pit stop. "I don't see any teams close," Joyce says.
Here come Meredith and Gretchen to the Roadblock area. They grab their post. As they get up to the first log, she starts to kibitz about pushing it with the car, and he asks for some "slack." Hee. Yeah, back off, lady! Not really. Meredith rather kicks ass as he gets out of the car and ropes up the first log.
Lynn and Alex spot a little running pig-like thing (don't email me!) along the road. "God, that's like a -- I don't even know!" Lynn says excitedly. Again, I am so conflicted. I want to like him. Stop being a jerk so I can like you, you jerk! "Watch out for that stick," Lynn says cheerily, and then...*bonk*. They have a flat tire. They get out and survey the damage. "Wow," Lynn says somewhat dryly. "This is a rough day." Heh.
Brian and Greg are hoping that the Roadblock will be something "manly." Brian babbles about how the Detour was "sissy," with both options being the sort of thing that "little farmer ladies" do. Yeah. Little farmer ladies in Botswana are nowhere near as tough as you, dude. You're getting a pass this time, but don't do that.
Rob notes that the road to the pit stop is a little "scary." They see a giraffe along the road, and Rob thinks it has a monkey on its back (and not in the Matthew Perry/Billy Joel/Robert Downey, Jr. kind of way) until he notes that that's actually the giraffe's own tail. Oh, how the eye does fool you. They laugh delightedly, though, which is pretty cool. He may have a shitty attitude toward other people -- in fact, I'd say he often does -- but they're smart enough to have a good time. "I think we've seen every animal in Africa today," he giggles, and she agrees.
In the Ron and Kelly car, she looks at the camera and holds up one finger snottily. "Let this be a record that I didn't point out everything Ron did wrong today. Ron pointed out everything I did wrong today." ("Kelly does not brag." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:4.) I think she really did do that fairly spontaneously and not during a regular interview, because you can totally see what I assume is the sound guy's hand hanging on to the side of the car behind her, and they normally are so awesome about staying out of the way that I think they just didn't realize she was going to start bitching to the camera like that. Ron rolls his eyes in the front seat, quite understandably. It's an eye-rolling kind of situation. It's not every girl who could congratulate herself for being so generous and nonjudgmental right after she calls you a "piece of trash redneck."
Uchenna and Joyce pretty much lose their shit at the sight of an elephant, which, again, is precisely the way you should react. "Houston, we have an elephant!" he says with urgent happiness. (Houston: "Then, uh, you are far off track, because you should be looking at a space station.")
Roadblock. Meredith drags the second log and finishes the task. Lynn and Alex, elsewhere, get their new vehicle and hop in. "You're totally doing amazing," Lynn says, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. "Let's see if we can destroy this one." Heh.
Ron and Kelly, Rob and Amber. Both are nearing the pit stop, and Ron is explaining that they're hoping to make it a foot race, because they think they could beat Rob and Amber in a foot race. Hmm. I'm not thinking Kelly is speedy, but I could be wrong. Also, she's pouting, which is not going to help. Rob and Amber are out of their car first, and indeed, when Phil does his look-off-the-mat thing, he finds Rob and Amber. He welcomes them to the pit stop, and they win a trip to the Grassy Knoll Islands, where they will stay at the Jim Garrison Lodge. They hug happily. Ron and Kelly come in after them, and Kelly actually manages to bitch at Ron for pausing to shake hands with Rob, which she purports to be doing because she wants them to get their time on the mat as quickly as possible, but which is actually because (1) she hates Rob and Amber; and (2) she is in a mood to look for any possible thing she can think of to complain about. They're checked in as team number two, and Phil reminds them that they had a very close run for first. Ron interviews that the two of them have just started to bicker, and Kelly interviews that they're arguing way too much, so she's focusing on God. Or something. And hoping that helps with the relationship. Good luck with that.
Uchenna and Joyce are the third team to arrive. However, they didn't do the Roadblock right, and they have to go back. As they head back, he comments, "That could be costly."
Commercials. Man, if you're not watching Survivor, I have to say, it's almost worth it right now, what with the pathos and everything.
When we return, Uchenna and Joyce are rereading the clue and figuring out that they took the ribbon, and they were supposed to take the post. And Joyce prays for a blessing from God, which I still don't approve of, but she has many other nice qualities, so, whatever. It's kind of ironic that in that context, I would assume the right to grant indulgences, but there you go.
Meredith and Gretchen haul away the second log. Alex grabs the post. They then back up to get to the log, and my favorite part is where Alex stalls right as they get to where Lynn thinks they should be, so Lynn says, "We're stalled, that's perfect." Snerk. They move the first log.
Brian and Greg get to the Roadblock, and Greg takes it. Sigh.
Uchenna and Joyce go back and fetch their marker post, and then they head back for the pit stop. Fortunately, they know how to get there. Meredith and Gretchen complete the task, but we are given a careful shot of them driving right by the clue that's hanging from the branch at the end of the course. It certainly is the week of not making sure you've given yourself a global understanding of the instructions before you start. It's like getting to step seven of the chicken recipe you're making for dinner for the people who will be on your doorstep in twenty minutes and realizing that the recipe says, "Refrigerate overnight." ("Mom, how much time in the freezer do you think equals 'refrigerate overnight'?")
Uchenna and Joyce check in again. And now, they are really team number three. "Afri-caaaa!" Uchenna proclaims loudly. Heh.
Meredith and Gretchen pull into the pit stop, surprised to suddenly find themselves there, apparently by just following markers. When they realize that they're at the end and they never got a clue, he wonders if he missed it, and she bets that he did. Nonetheless, they get out of the car and head up to the mat. Phil tells them that they're the fourth team to arrive, but that they have to go back and get their clue. They turn back. "Oh, for God's sake," she says. "Don't be angry," he says, and she tells him she's not. Again, they do a pretty good job not fighting in these situations. Like I said, I think the lack of pressure serves them well.
Alex clears the second log, and then they grab their pit stop clue and Lynn takes over the driving. As they head out, Lynn tells him that whether they finish last or not, he knows that what Alex just did was really hard for him. As you know, I'm not a big fan of that team, but in terms of partner behavior during a Roadblock, Lynn basically did that perfectly. If anything, he was sort of naggingly supportive, which may or may not have bugged Alex, but he didn't act like it did, and there are many worse things you could do than that. I still think they're sort of self-righteously hypocritical and irritating, and that "born to do this" thing has to go, but at least they're nice to each other.
Brian and Greg. Roadblock. They maneuver around the logs.
Lynn and Alex are approaching the pit stop, and they talk about their hope that they're not last, but their knowledge that they might be. And then you figure out what Alex is doing in the back seat, looking like he's changing his clothes. He reminds us in a voice-over that the rule is that you lose all your clothes in a non-elimination leg besides what you're wearing. So he thinks he should wear as much as possible when they're arriving at the mat. You know, just in case. Heh. It's Africa, and he's got, like, eight layers on. Lynn says from the front seat, "Will you put on some of my clothes? Will you put on some underwear as, like, a headband?" And no, I didn't need that mental image on about six different levels, but it was still kinda funny. They drive up to the pit stop. They run to the mat. Phil tells them that they are team number four. "What?" they ask in unison. "Yes," Phil says in this hysterically funny way that I have absolutely no chance of describing adequately. They hug. They then sputter to Phil about how they put all their clothes on, just in case they were last and it was non-elimination. This amuses Phil, who allows that the fashion police may arrest them. Imagine if Alex had shown up with underpants on his head. Lynn's underpants. Yeah.
Brian and Greg, Roadblock. Meredith and Gretchen, returning to the clues. They open one and leave, since they know where it is and everything. We then see Brian and Greg pull their pit stop clue, and they say they'll just hope it's non-elimination. And then Brian says that they should show up in their bathing suits and dare Phil to non-eliminate them. You know, I'm sure this was nowhere near as close as it looked, and I'm sure they knew they were in last, because those guys are pretty competitive, and if they had any reason to believe they could be competitive, they'd have been going full-out. But still, you know? Even if it were non-elimination, you'd want the best time possible, and dicking around changing your clothes, while funny, isn't really the way to go. At any rate, they change into swimsuits and furry hats, and then they head out. They agree on the way there that it would be interesting to finish the race wearing nothing but this.
Meredith and Gretchen are on the way to the pit stop, as are Greg and Brian, though almost certainly not at the same time. Sure enough, the team that approaches Phil at the pit stop is the indefatigable Meredith and Gretchen. "Oh my God, Meredith," Gretchen says. Phil compliments them on "going and going and going," and Gretchen says, "The old Energizer bunnies," as Meredith laughs. Okay, I love them a little bit. Not totally, but a little bit.
Aaand here come Brian and Greg. Brian: Furry earflap hat, sunglasses, swim trunks, shoes. Greg: Knit hat, sunglasses, scarf, swim trunks, shoes. They deadpan it as the greeter welcomes them. Phil looks off the mat, grinning and trying to figure out how to do this. He gives a small chortle, then gets it together. "Brian and Greg," he says. "You're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you you've both been eliminated from the race." Aw, crap. They agree that at least they "went out in style." "What's the idea behind this, uh, getup?" Phil asks them. Brian explains that they figured maybe if he saw them in these particular outfits, he wouldn't be able to eliminate them. Phil tells them there's nothing he can do for them. Greg talks about how Brian's his big brother, and he couldn't have done the race with anybody else, and they'll remember it well, and the boys jump in the pool together, and awwwww! That was sad. Deserved, but sad.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
Up : Clip show! Yeah, people. Gear up. There's no reason to only write three recaps a week when you can write four.