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Well, this is confusing. Two things antithetical to everything this show should rightly be about -- volume-based eating challenges and abandoning tasks -- collide when the teams go to Argentina and are confronted with a Roadblock that involves eating four pounds of meat. So it's not an "eat unfamiliar food; mind over matter" challenge, it's just an "eat until you throw up, and then after you throw up into this bucket, eat some more" challenge. Apparently the sight of Freddy eating his own puke last season made somebody think that nothing goes as well with what should be a classy show like people being forced to eat until they're sick. It also turns out that the show has informed the teams of the way the four-hour penalty works. Rob makes a run at the meat-eating, but ultimately concludes that in all likelihood, he's not going to finish, and given his early arrival at the Roadblock, he gambles that he has a better shot at staying in the race by taking the penalty than by taking the time required to finish the food. Booo, quitting! On the other hand, he immediately goes into desperately-trying-to-stay-in-the-game mode, which takes some of the sting out of the quitting, and he convinces two other teams to abandon the task as well, meaning that he's got company in whatever bad position he winds up as a result of taking the penalty. Moreover, all the teams have a nice bit of insurance based on the fact that Debbie and Bianca open the episode by driving two hours in the entirely wrong direction, having no idea where they're going. Ultimately, Debbie and Bianca are so far behind that even after the other teams take the penalty, and even after Debbie ultimately eats the four pounds of food (supposedly), they still finish last.
Is it a good development to have people who abandoned a task -- albeit because they thought it increased their odds of staying in the game, and not because they reached an "I don't care if we lose anymore" point, as have past quitters -- finish ahead of people who did the task? It is not. Would it have been a good development to have people who drove two hours in the wrong direction like total morons stay in the game because somebody else wasn't capable of eating four fucking pounds of food? Not to me. Volume-based eating challenges are stupid, and they create no-win situations, and they have nothing to do with racing, and they should be done away with immediately. BAH! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Liar, Liar, Beginnings Of A Tragically Cheesy Sleazestache On Fire: Debbie and Bianca played the morality card on Rob, who didn't acknowledge her version of "morality" and therefore just considered it "the card." Everybody made each other nauseous, but no one recognized the foreshadowing. Rob came up with the Super-Secret Bus Egress Delay Plan, which gave him about thirty seconds of racing time but multiple hours of other people's attention, so he wrote it down under "Successes" in his Little Book Of Evil Plots. Various teams behaved like obnoxious, loud, stereotypically American cranks during a grocery Detour, culminating in Lynn and Alex throwing around unsupported allegations of retail corruption. Gretchen demonstrated just what a honkload of noise she was capable of making, and assorted South American domesticated and feral animals sought asylum elsewhere in response. Rob and Amber finished first, and the battle for last place came down to Brian and Greg and their blonde sweeties, creating the first close finish where there was a serious possibility that the losing team would be foiled by hair-wrangling difficulties. The boys pulled out the victory, and a couple of perfectly innocuous women found themselves banished to Sequesterville, the better to succumb to the charms of Ryan and Chuck. At least that's what I like to think happened, because that is some sparkling conversation on which I would have enjoyed eavesdropping.
Credits. It's so weird to remember that the TAR 1 credits had actual scenes from the race. They would so never feed the spoiler people like that now. We were so young once. I feel like this show is ballet, and I am Anne Bancroft. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I hate it when they show commercials for Survivor. Because, like, I already have to watch it. Don't rub it in. (Okay, it's actually kind of awesome right now because of what I'm sure is an entirely unintentional shortage of irredeemable jerkweeds, but still.)
We return to Santiago, Chile, where there are many people and, nearby, there are "Andean foothills." And here is Phil at the pit stop, looking lovely as usual. The banishment of eat/sleep/mingle appears to be permanent, as we have once again retreated to the "no idea what's in store for them" primer. Maybe there was some kind of mingling-related controversy. Maybe the FCC is issuing vague orders against mingling if it's, like, a boy and a boy, you know? Because they would. At any rate, Phil wonders whether Uchenna and Joyce can maintain their good standing after moving up in the pack last week, and whether Susan and Patrick can step outside their save-us-Dr.-Phil bickering long enough to keep things a bit more together this time.
12:34 AM. Rob and Amber. They open their clue, which tells them to drive themselves to Argentina through the Andes mountains, a trek Phil explains will be about 150 miles. There, they'll find a bridge called Puente Viejo, where they'll grab up another clue. Rob notes that the clue also indicates a Yield coming up, so presumably they want to get moving, lest one of the already-declared haters get any crazy ideas. The clue tells them that their cars are parked at a specific garage, and as they take off to head that way, Rob says that he and Amber "definitely have luck on [their] side." He adds, however, that they've been increasing their odds of having good luck by "taking a lot of chances." True, although they've also certainly increased their odds of having bad luck. I think it's safe to say Rob's whole feats-of-derring-do thing reduces the predictability of his experience, if nothing else. "You know that thing, the American dream?" he says, in an interview that appears very randomly placed at this particular spot. "Amber and I are living it." I suppose they could be said, in a sense, to be living the New American Dream, in which fame and money and the cover of Us Weekly, unsupported by any particularly worthwhile achievement, light upon the shoulders of the telegenic like so many chirping bluebirds. They ask someone to help them find the garage, and Rob comments on how nice the people they've been meeting have been. Apparently, Survivor viewership does not run high in this part of the world.
1:24 AM. Ron and Kelly. As they go, Ron tells us that he's not all that sure he wants to marry Kelly yet. She seems to be in more of a hurry to get married and have babies than he feels like he is. I can't pin down what it is about these two, but they don't even seem like they know each other. They appear to be in the late stages of a really, really, really long first date. It's like they're going to get to some major and beautiful landmark, and the lean-in for the smooch will take, like, half an hour. They get a taxi, and in one of my favorite moments, Ron tells her to "tell [the driver] something," and so she says, "Rapido." Awesome: "Give the driver directions!" "Uh...fast!" Let me know how that works out.
2:17 AM. Awesomely, as Ray and Deana leave, she refers to the Andes mountains as the "Andidas mountains," and he refers to them as the "Andreas mountains." Wow. They're in South America, and they're totally flummoxed by the words "Andes mountains." You know, I'm not expecting people to have memorized all the ways out of the country, but..."Andes mountains"? When you're in Santiago? It's like being on a travel show in New Orleans and being like, "Hmm, 'Take a boat up the Miss -- Mississ -- Mississorapi River.'" Not promising. Anyway, in an interview, Deana comments that Ray tends not to pay attention to her, which she finds "irritating." I don't know that I would enjoy the Ray brand of attention, but...I see her point. As they leave, she gripes to him that he doesn't listen to her, and he answers back that she needs to "start asserting [her]self." Because...you know, baby, don't hate the bulldozah, hate the dirt! He complains in their interview of her desire to have him "usher her through every situation," while he thinks she should "step up and do it herself." It ought to work, because nothing encourages confident self-reliance like belittling and haranguing. That's the parenting technique that produces most of the world's highly functional adults, after all. "We just don't want to make any dumb mistakes," Ray says. The music, in this almost obligatory way, becomes overwhelmingly tense, as if a dumb mistake is going to happen RIGHT NOW as a result of him tempting his karma like that, but it doesn't.
3:16 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. Uchenna says that they've had "tumultuous times," and they're looking to "get the wheels back on" their relationship. And...their relationship is clearly so much more firmly wheeled than those of 90 percent of the people who go on this show that it's kind of quaint that they're concerned.
3:19 AM. Lynn and Alex read their clue, and what part do they fasten on? "Yield Ahead." "Awesome!" Lynn says breathlessly. They explain that they want to win, but they especially want to beat Rob and Amber. "We just don't like them," Lynn says, bleeding that sense of entitlement that is already growing so very old. "And we don't want them here," Alex adds. Apparently I missed the memo where Lynn and Alex were appointed social directors of the race, empowered to dismiss anyone they "don't want here" for reasons unspecified. I wonder how they would have felt about Rob saying, "I don't want you here." I'm betting they wouldn't have cared for that. I wonder how they'll feel if I say it. Because I might.
3:20 AM. Debbie and Bianca. I believe they say they have $80 for the leg, and then they take off in a cab. Bianca interviews all about how they've been friends forever, so they have this soul connection, blah blah blah, "stronger and stronger," doodley-doo. "Sheer determination will get us through this race," she insists. I suppose it depends on what one is determined to do in the area of, say, map-reading. But we'll get to that.
3:24 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. In an interview, she explains, "I verbalize my emotions." Which is one way of putting it, I suppose. She says she has "a hard time keeping things to [her]self." She goes on to tell us that she loves Meredith "to death" and, through a smirk, says of her pushy personality, "I make it up to him in a lot of other ways." You know, it's not that I want to be one of those dumb people who think no one over 50 is allowed to have sex, but there's something about the way she says it, all coyly, that strikes me as a little dopey. I would almost rather she had been like, "Fortunately, our blistering sex life remains as vibrant as the day we were married." Because that, I could only have respected. I do love the editing there, though, as they hold on the silence for the perfect brief moment. That's the "Yes, you heard correctly; take a moment to say something to those watching with you" edit. In their cab, Meredith asks for the parking garage. Where they can sneak behind a dumpster and OH I AM JUST KIDDING.
3:35 AM. Patrick and Susan. Susan interviews that she really just wants Patrick to be happy, and she thinks he needs a boyfriend. Aw. It's so good for anyone who may not already know it to be reminded that some things are truly universal. Patrick goes on to say that he thinks his mother wishes there were someone who could look out for him. And he says it in a way that's really endearing, and I think yet again about how much I really, really wish he weren't being such a douche obsessing about Rob and Amber, because I'd like to like him in that college-boy way where he doesn't know anything but will one day have to get a real job and will probably wind up being the only guy in a boring workplace who I could possibly relate to, you know? Anyway.
3:46 AM. In a sequence that is a lot funnier than it rightfully should be, Brian and Greg leave, and...damn, whichever one it is...rips the clue open while doing a whole wrestling intro, like, "Starting in last place for The Amazing Race, six-foot-three, six-foot-four, Smith brothers!" And the other one makes crowd noise. It's really stupid, but it makes me laugh anyway, because my other option seems to be Lynn and Alex laughing at their own nail-breaking jokes, which I can't bring myself to do. ["If it makes you feel any better about liking them (and it may not), if my brother and I went on the show this is roughly what we would be like. Except with more fart noises." -- Sars] Anyway, they count their money and leave, explaining that they don't want to come that close to being booted again. Okay, okay -- Greg has the headband! (Yeah, headband.) At least in this episode. So in the cab, Greg is saying that Brian shouldn't get mad at him for not knowing where they're going, and then he makes mention of driving themselves to Argentina. And then there is the world's most excellent pause. And then Brian says, "Argentina?" So now we have one couple not familiar with the Andes mountains, and one who is surprised to hear about the country that's door. We're certainly firing on all cylinders, providing none of the cylinders require you to have ever benefited from Weekly Reader as a child.
We find Rob and Amber and their helpful local arriving at the parking garage where the cars are being kept. When they get there, they find that the garage doesn't open until 5:00 AM. Boo! That's the kind of bunching that's very annoying, because it's just lazy planning. I realize the bunches are always planned, but this is reaching a point where they might as well just put it in the clue that you can't leave until 5:00 AM. I mean, at least there's usually an event or a facility or something that's legitimately got a task associated with it that might have real hours of operation, even if they're faked up for the show. But considering all the places we've seen cars parked over the years, there's certainly no reason to stash them in some underground garage except to explicitly wash out any leads. It's not like I'm surprised, it's just sort of ham-fisted. Rob thanks the guy who walked them over, and he and Amber head off for their hotel.
Ron and Kelly arrive at the garage and also find it to be closed. My favorite part is that then, when Ray and Deana get there, rather than looking at the sign first, Ray gets all clanging away at the locked door, going, "It's locked!" Like he's going to go all Mr. T on the doors. And then Deana points out the sign, and they realize that they're just going to have to cool their heels for a while. Easy there, Ray. I sort of imagine them all with soundtracks running in their heads, and it's like...less metal, dude. More sitar.
When Debbie and Bianca get to the garage, they have their driver wait while they take a look, and when they see the hours posted, they go back to their driver and head for the hotel to get some directions, because they wouldn't want to get lost on the way to Argentina or anything. HA HA HA! I know, I know, my gloating laughter is spoilery. Just pretend I covered it with black bars.
Uchenna and Joyce get to the cars. Lynn and Alex, Susan and Patrick, Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg. Everyone decides to camp outside and wait for the thing to open. Because it's that or storm it with a battering ram, not that it doesn't sort of seem to be the week for unconventional strategies.
As Debbie and Bianca are inside the hotel getting directions, Rob and Amber emerge, apparently having gotten some sleep. (Remember, Rob and Amber left the pit stop almost three hours before Debbie and Bianca did.) When Rob and Amber get out front, they find Debbie and Bianca's cab waiting there. The driver indicates that he's waiting for Debbie and Bianca inside, and Rob says he'll take the cab nevertheless. He asks the driver how much Debbie and Bianca are paying him, and the driver says they're paying four. Rob says he'll pay ten, and the driver laughs. They have a deal. The driver lets them in and they take off. "Hop in, honey," he says to Amber, and she does. In the cab, you watch Rob say in one voice, "That'll teach 'em," and then in an entirely different voice while he's not on camera, you hear him say, "accusin' somebody of lyin'." And then we come back into the cab, and he's laughing. Something about the way that was cobbled together struck me as suspicious from the first time I heard it, and the millionth time I listened to it, I figured it out -- the "accusin' somebody of lyin'" bite is cut from the fight with Debbie and Bianca in the bus station last week. It's a snip from the line, "Accusin' somebody of lyin', that's personal." So he may or may not have said again in the cab that it would teach them about accusing him of lying, but that particular bite is from last week's show. (And had he said it again, I'm not sure why they wouldn't have just used that.) He also may have said, "That'll teach 'em to go inside and leave their cab sitting out here without their bags." I usually find the show's editing pretty fair; I was surprised at that, because that's a pretty big cheat and makes it look like he was still ranting about old business, which it looks like he probably wasn't.
At any rate, when Debbie and Bianca emerge from the hotel, they find that their driver is gone. "This is retarded," one of them says, again proving that, to the degree that there's any usefulness to that term, she doesn't know how to use it properly. Your cab being gone isn't retarded; it's bad and sort of sucks for you, but...not the same thing. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber get to the car park, where they greet Ray and Deana. Debbie and Bianca, having obtained another cab, arrive shortly thereafter. So everybody is all bunched up, waiting for the garage to open. And at 5:00 AM, open it does. Teams run in to get cars, and then everyone heads out. Navigator Amber tells Rob what road they're looking for, and he says he'll ask a nearby police officer where to find it. As a matter of fact, he gets the cop to drive in front of him and show him where the street is. "Best way to get directions in Santiago? Get a police escort." They get on the main highway toward Argentina, and are closely followed by Lynn and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg, Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and Ray and Deana.
Patrick and Susan, on the other hand, pull into a gas station to ask for directions. So far, so good -- if you don't know what you're doing, that's what you do. You can't go wrong anywhere where they give away air for free. As they're waiting at the station, Debbie and Bianca pass them on their way out of town, presumably using those directions they got at the hotel while their driver was renegotiating his contract. Debbie and Bianca finally get onto the highway, though, again, they are "retarded" in their own minds. (Closer. You're getting closer to the proper usage, ladies.) Susan and Patrick? Still trying to get out of town.
Rob and Amber get off the highway at an exit labeled "Los Andes." Seriously. It says, "Los Andes." Just for future reference, in terms of how difficult to miss it is. Amber confirms that this is the exit he wants. Just behind them are Lynn and Alex and a bunch of other teams who, confronted with a task explicitly requiring a drive through the Andes mountains, are capable of taking the exit marked "Los Andes." Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg, Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, Ray and Deana. This whole group is basically together, it appears, on the way to Argentina.
Aaaand, very much elsewhere, Debbie and Bianca are checking to make sure they're still on 5 North. Which...they still are. And which...they shouldn't be. Bianca actually says, rather tragically, that she thinks they missed an exit. But Debbie says they didn't. What led her to that conclusion is a mysterious and fascinating question, that's for sure. It certainly wasn't the position of the sun or the mountains, or anything on the map, or logic, or...signs. Because all of those things would have tended to suggest they, you know, missed an exit.
As morning comes, Rob and Amber are driving along a winding, zig-zaggy path up into the Andes, and Amber comments for the camera that there's apparently a Yield coming up, and she has the strange sense that there are some other teams who don't like them too much. Not without cause, of course. As if to prove their point, Lynn says in his car that "everybody said the first chance they get, that they were going to Yield Amber and Rob. So let's see if people have huevos around here." Okay, it really doesn't take "huevos" to Yield a team that's practically at the front of the pack this early in the leg -- it takes stupidity. Had Lynn and Alex beaten Rob and Amber to the Yield here and used it, that would not have been brave -- it would have been stupid, as it would have had no conceivable benefit in terms of keeping them in the race or getting anyone else out of the race. They would have been better off, strategically, using it on anyone else in the leg, but they want to use it on Rob, out of spite. And using it for spite on a team in a situation where you're not imperiled is just plain foolish, and this very exchange goes to show that for all the proud crowing they do in this episode, Lynn at least is being totally undone by Rob's screwing around. He's so focused on how badly he wants to do something to get back at Rob that he's got his eye off the ball, game-wise, because he is well-prepared to do a stupid thing just to try to prove a point -- to actually put himself at a disadvantage in the game because he can't remain above the fray when Rob starts winking and screwing around. If you're going to be above a guy's game, you kind of have to start by not letting it work on you in exactly the way he intends.
Anyway, the teams continue up the hill, and a panting Meredith complains about the elevation. "Easy, Meredith!" Gretchen rather unkindly snaps from the back seat. "I'm getting sick!" She certainly does have a streak of the grump in her. She advises him to "take [his] time." "I've got to watch the roads," he says. "And contend with me," she adds, as if it's funny, when it isn't. In that way, you know, that people do that. She laughs.
Rob and Amber hit the Argentina border, followed by Lynn and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, blah blah blah, big giant wad o' teams.
Patrick and Susan, rather shockingly, are still stuck in Santiago, and it's now light outside. Patrick notes that it's 6:49 AM, so they've been wandering around downtown Santiago for almost two hours. Just...wow. You can't take two hours to find the highway if you want to stay in the game. You just can't. "We need to figure out how to get out of town," Susan says. Man, I'll say. "I just hate not seeing an end in sight," Patrick adds. I have to say, I feel their pain, because I tend to drive around endlessly when I don't know where I'm going, which is fairly often, because I have about as much natural sense of direction as a Roomba, and about the same tendency to just drive straight until I run out of room and then turn largely at random. But there has to be more than one gas station in Santiago where they give directions, doesn't there?
Commercials. In an homage to my favorite dismissive recap of a commercial, ever, I can only say, bring me the head of the Travelocity gnome.
When we return, Susan and Patrick are still trying to get the hell out of Santiago. And finally, it appears to be working. "Oh, well," they say to each other. And after a two-hour trek out of the city, I suppose that "oh, well" is all you really can say.
Debbie and Bianca, elsewhere, are mildly interested in the fact that they haven't crossed the border into Argentina yet, when they kind of feel like they should have. As they go through a toll plaza (shouldn't they know whether they should be paying tolls or not?), they ask, "Are we going toward Puente Viejo?" The lady's like, "Puente Viejo?", clearly having no idea what the hell they're talking about. Couldn't they have asked whether they're going toward, you know, Argentina? Or the Andes? Anyway, in my favorite example of explosively awesome irony, these lovers of South America, all speaking the language and kissing the locals and whatnot, choose to pay no attention to this woman at all, simply concluding that she's an idiot, and that's why she didn't seem to know anything about where they were supposed to be going. Specifically, Bianca spits with a smirk, "They're all stupid." And right there, I want her out, no matter what. "They're all stupid," indeed. She almost immediately realizes how this will look on television and hastily adds, "Not that we're doing much better with directions, I'm just saying." Sure you are. Nice try at the save, though. When you say "they're all stupid," you're just...you know, saying.
Andes. Those arpeggios that have been around for several seasons -- I'm fairly sure they date back to Love Among The Orangutans, at least -- play as the teams wind through the mountains. Man, I've driven roads like that, and it is not pleasant. I wouldn't be hearing those arpeggios -- I'd be hearing the sound of my own stomach clutching in distress. Brian and Greg discuss how beautiful the Andes are, which is nice. Joyce calls the drive "exhilarating" as well as "exhausting." I think I can get behind that, maybe. The increasingly adorable Uchenna says with vigor, "We're in the game, baby!" Indeed. Even Ray and Deana are taking a moment to be impressed. Kelly adds, "When I think of heaven, this is what I think of." Thus managing to express a sentiment I'm prepared to respect while still kind of bugging the ever-loving crap out of me. She's like the human equivalent of Christian rock.
Up in front, Rob and Amber are hunting for Puente Viejo, and it looks like to get there, you go past the bridge and turn back to it, because Rob sees the clue box on the bridge as they pass. Then we seem them stop the car and hop out, as Amber reminds Rob that they have to go to the Yield mat first. Phil takes this opportunity to explain how the Yield works, and how you can stop someone else from racing, blah dee blah. Only three on the whole race and so forth, and you can use it only once, but presumably, the same team could be Yielded by different other teams multiple times. Rob and Amber step on the Yield mat and tell us that they choose not to use the Yield. Not being dumb. They rip the clue, which is a Detour called Paddle or Pedal. In Paddle, you inflate a raft and ride it down a seven-mile stretch of river with a couple of guides. In Pedal, you ride mountain bikes along a trail that follows a set of railroad tracks -- also seven miles. Rob and Amber choose to do the boat. As they head for the raft, Lynn and Alex are arriving. My favorite part is where Alex says they're not Yielding anyone, and he hastily adds, "It's too early in the game." Such a lot of hooey. Your boyfriend just explained that you were saving your Yield for Rob and Amber lest you be judged lacking in eggs, and now because you got here behind them, it's suddenly about it being too early in the game? It's like people forget that they're on TV, and there's a permanent record of the stuff they said before when the little thingy with the lens on it was making that sound like, "whirrrrrr." At any rate, they read the clue and choose Paddle. Rob and Amber are ahead of them getting into the boats. Once both teams are in, they both head out. "My arm is dying," Amber says with a grin. Lynn and Alex, meanwhile, are fiercely concentrated on -- you guessed it -- beating Rob and Amber. Only this time, to their considerable credit, they're fiercely concentrated on it in perhaps the one kind of [racing] situation in which obsessive personal animosity might be productive.
Meredith and Gretchen are making their way toward the clue box, followed by a frustrated Brian and Greg, who have noticed that Meredith and Gretchen? Yeah, not exactly speed demons. I don't know if they're driving with the turn signal on, but they're otherwise sort of embracing the driving-behind-your-grandpa stereotype. The boys pass the couple, and both teams arrive at the Yield, both declining to use it. The boys are the first (and, it will turn out, only) team to choose to Pedal, while Meredith and Gretchen take Paddle. Helmets are strapped on. As they boys take off on their bikes, they take note of how it's "just like when [they] were kids." Maybe they were always trying to outrun their aunts and uncles or something. Meredith and Gretchen get into their raft.
Lynn and Alex! Rob and Amber! Who will arrive at this early clue box first? It's a credit to the editing that this paddle-battle is almost as tense as it would be if it made a whit of difference. "I hate them so much," Alex snots in an interview. You "hate" them? Golly. "I was just so sick at that point of Rob and Amber being in front of me," he adds. Oh. Okay, that's what "hate" is referring to, then. That's not really hating them, that's hating looking at their backs. Lynn and Alex apparently set themselves to the task of passing Rob and Amber in the rafts, which they do, through apparently flawless rowing execution and the effects of several of the deadly sins colliding in one majestic burst of energy. And, you know, it's easy to mock Amber for looking like her tiny arms are about to fall off, but it's also easy to forget that this wasn't the quick dip in and out that they make it appear here. It was seven miles, which is not a short distance. Lynn and Alex were very close behind Rob and Amber, and had a very long time to make up a very short distance. And ultimately, Lynn and Alex do indeed jump out of the river with their raft just ahead of Amber and Rob. Spiteful mission accomplished, and God knows it's not like I can't relate to that.
The clue tells them to head toward Mendoza, which Phil explains will be about 70 miles. They'll make their way to a "traditional Argentine barbecue" (heh) at a place called Camping Suizo. Lynn and Alex get into their car, still crowing about passing Rob. Rob and Amber kind of don't care so much about having been passed as they get their clue and get into the car, saying "good job" and so forth. Amber chuckles that she kept thinking, "You're getting in shape, you're getting in shape." Heh. I kind of hate the interview that follows in which she talks about having to be thin for her wedding -- unlike, I guess, the hog she is right now. But if there's any time when people are vulnerable to that, I suppose it's prior to their wedding. But really, "You have to fit into a dress"? Mm-hmm. Keep paddling, indeed, Amber! You don't want them to have to bring in extra bolts of fabric to swath those giant hammy arms of yours.
Ron and Kelly do not use the Yield, and choose Paddle. Same with Ray and Deana, same with Uchenna and Joyce.
Susan and Patrick are at least in the mountains now, so that seems to be progress. And presumably they're the Andes, and not, say, the Rockies. Susan notes that her "ears have popped a couple of times," and Patrick agrees. Elsewhere, Debbie and Bianca are at...the ocean. Where they should not be. "This is absolutely gorgeous, but we've got major problems," Debbie says. Heh. What's great is that originally, when they missed the exit, Debbie was driving and Bianca was navigating, so at some point, they actually slowed down enough to stop and change drivers, and they still didn't figure out that they were driving in the completely wrong direction. Finally, Debbie says that they need to stop. Well, finally. When they ask someone where they are with respect to Puente Viejo, they learn that they drove two hours past it. Two. Hours. "We're off this map," one of them notes. Heh heh. Mistakes are very easy to make, but I'd have a lot more sympathy for that one if there hadn't been about eighty billion opportunities to rectify it. ["I'd have a lot more sympathy for that one if someone else had made it. Shut up, Debbie." -- Sars]
Commercials. Those Post employees are really a little bit too happy about their work. There's job satisfaction, and then there's a weird religion known as Cerealism, and I think they've crossed over, if you get my meaning.
When we return, Debbie and Bianca note that they were supposed to stay on 5 North for about ten minutes, instead of two hours. You'd think they'd have gotten that much with their "directions," no? They decide to "pray for flat tires or something."
And then, awesomely enough, because somebody in editing just opened a fortune cookie that said "Something unexpected will make your work easier and more satisfying," Greg and Brian's bike Detour is interrupted by...a flat tire. Which, apparently, they are expected to repair with a repair kit and pump they suddenly have (?). As they sit there trying to work on it, they can see other teams floating happily down the river, including Meredith and Gretchen and Ron and Kelly. "Biggest waste of time," the brothers declare as they decide to ditch the repair and carry the bikes. Meredith and Gretchen and Ron and Kelly finish the rafting at very much the same time, and they both read the Mendoza clue and leave, with Kelly noting that she and Ron came out just slightly ahead. "Honey, are you all right?" Gretchen asks Meredith as they get in the car. "Do you need some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?" There goes Gretchen again, bringing the sexy talk.
Back at the river, it's a showdown between Ray and Deana and Uchenna and Joyce. And Uchenna and Joyce are fairly convincingly kicking the fannies of Ray and Deana. Meanwhile, Brian and Greg are walking the length of the trail, noting that any lead they had over these other people has obviously dissipated. When Uchenna and Joyce are done with the paddling, have their clue, and are safely in the car, she comments that she thinks she "lost all [her] nails." Heh. Yeah, I suspect. "You're one hot chick out there in the whitewater rafting!" he hollers. I think I like him. And did I mention he's really, really cute?
Brian and Greg finish the bikes and get their clue. In the car, they discuss how much that thing that just happened there? Totally sucked. Then Ray and Deana grab their clue and get going, and Ray talks in the car about how awesome Uchenna is, and how he might have had ringer rowers or something, because Uchenna beat Ray even though Ray works out all the time. Of course, the rafting exists in Ray's mind purely as a showdown between himself and Uchenna. And the women? Wait, were there women in those boats?
Finally, Susan and Patrick reach the Yield box. They, for whatever reason, choose not to use the Yield, though you'd think this might be the right time. They choose to Paddle. I have to say, I'm surprised more teams weren't seduced into trying the bikes. I wonder if there was something in there about the possibility of technical or tire problems and the requirement that they fix them themselves.
Lynn and Alex are the first to make the turn into Camping Suizo. Lynn's loud way of sing-songing, "There's a flaaaaag!" is old already, at least to me. They rip the clue, and it's a Roadblock. "Who's not a vegetarian?" Alex takes it. Phil reminds us about Roadblocks and the six-per-person rule. He explains that in this particular Roadblock, the Roadblocker will eat cow ribs, pork sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow udder, a kidney, and part of a saliva gland. The portion they have to eat weighs about four pounds. Four pounds. And they have to eat it all, and then they'll get a clue. Stupid volume eating challenges. Anyway, Alex sits down and is handed his giant tray of food. He tries to act enthused. Heh. Well, and what else can you really do?
Rob and Amber get to the barbecue, and Alex notes their arrival using the magical Robfinder™ chip that is implanted in his inner ear. When they read the clue about who's not a vegetarian, Rob takes it immediately, which kind of surprised me, since he's not so much with the eating challenges. "Four pounds?" he says. "At least I'm hungry." Rob has a seat and takes his tray. Lynn tells Alex to make more room by barfing. Alex tells him that "barf it up" is not that helpful to hear during an eating challenge. Hee. Lynn is not striking me as the most sensitive person who has ever been born.
Susan and Patrick finish the rafting and get in their car, where they start talking about how tough it was. Yeah. Seven miles, folks. Not for weenies.
Debbie and Bianca are arriving at the bridge, and they're noting that there seems to be the possibility of rafting. Debbie explains to us that she almost died in a recent rafting accident. They note that they don't have the option of Yielding anyone, really, so they move on to the clue box. Bianca asks Debbie if she's okay with the rafting or not, and Debbie says she is. Of course, that doesn't keep her from complaining about it as they suit up. She says in what is clearly a post-leg interview (and gives away their situation, I think) that she needed to get in the raft and face her fears. And...fine. Good for her. If it were me and I were that scared, I might have just done the damn bikes, but...to each her own. They raft.
Ron and Kelly arrive in Mendoza and get directions to Camping Suizo. Ron is kind enough to give a high-pitched "arriba, arriba, andale, andale" thing as he's getting back in the car. Seriously, I cannot get enough of the Speedy Gonzalez references. Those make us all look so very enlightened. The entire Spanish-speaking world is pretty much just that and Sabado Gigante, right? Yeah, I thought so. Meredith and Gretchen are also looking for the barbecue. Brian and Greg and Uchenna and Joyce are also in town. Uchenna and Joyce, it seems, find someone who will actually lead them there, so good for them.
Alex and Rob continue eating. "Is it any good, or is it yucky?" Amber asks. "I don't want to talk about it," Rob says. Mm-hmm. Brian and Greg and Meredith and Gretchen are converging on the task. They hop out of their cars, and Meredith and...headband guy take the task. Rob comments that four pounds is a lot of meat, while headband guy insists it isn't that much. Ron takes it for his team.
Rob is beginning to struggle. "I'm never going to be able to eat it all," he says to Amber. He then turns around and half-smiles at her, kind of sadly. She looks concerned. I think he really is beginning to believe that he's not going to be physically able to do it. Uchenna and Joyce then show up, and Uchenna takes the Roadblock. There is a certain amount of trash-talking among the guys currently doing the task, and they continue eating. Alex abruptly turns and extravagantly throws up on the ground. "Don't pay attention to him, baby," Amber says to Rob, who turns and faces the other direction. After a bit, though, he gets up and turns around to Amber. "What happens if I can't finish?" he asks. "What happens if you can't?" she repeats. And then she says, "Penalty." In an interview he has the luxury of doing after the fact when he knows how things worked out, Rob says, "I had to come up with a plan, and it had to be quick." He tells Amber at the barbecue, "I'm not going to sit here and suffer for three hours, like these people are." He tells us, "I didn't want to eat it, but I still wanted to stay in the race." Rob goes on to exposit that the penalty for not completing a Roadblock is that you have a four-hour penalty from the time that the team arrives at the Roadblock. We watch as he gives up his food and says, "I quit."
You know, there were a few posts in the forums this week about the whole matter of quitting the Meatblock and what it means for the show and whatnot, and for me it all came down to how dumb I think volume-based eating challenges are in the first place. I can get behind facing down a legitimate fear in a mind-over-matter way, and I can similarly get at least moderately behind eating unfamiliar and initially "strange" food as a mind-over-matter enterprise. But this isn't really a mind-over-matter enterprise. It's literally a matter of eating until you get sick, and it seems like one of the major skills involved, at least for some of these people, is being able to get yourself to throw up so you can eat more. I cannot stress enough how little interest I have in seeing people challenged to eat until they get sick. Competitive eating is a whole world of freaky shit and hot-dog-scarfing and some Fox announcer saying "five thousand hard-boiled eggs" and all that, and to me, it's like watching a guy haul a pickup truck by the hooks through his nipples or whatever. Just because a thing is something that your body will rebel against doesn't actually make doing it an accomplishment or anything that's particularly enjoyable to watch. Competitive eating for volume as a campy spectacle I can tolerate. I can even eye its devotees with an odd combination of affection and puzzlement. But that doesn't make it a "triumph of the human spirit" situation. I hate these challenges so much, in short, that I wasn't attached to the completion of this one as anything to admire.
Ray and Deana get to the task, and in a moment that's just utterly...ACK!...he says to her, "This is you. We can't waste another Roadblock." Right. Because they're only competitive in the ones that he does, and so they can't "waste" one here. Such a jerkety-jerk-jerk-jerk. Ray and Deana's arrival starts the timer on Rob and Amber's penalty, which is helpfully shown down in the corner. Deana sits down with the tray of meat. She tells Ray she doesn't even think her stomach is big enough to hold the meat that she's being confronted with. We then listen in as Rob tells Amber, "We need to convince Deana to quit, because other people still haven't arrived yet." In other words, he doesn't want to be the only one who has to wait around for some long period of time. Rob interviews that the only way his plan was going to work was to convince other teams that it wasn't possible for them to complete the task. Indeed, Rob goes over to Ray and tells him that Deana won't finish the task, because he himself just quit. Ray asks, "What's the penalty?" and Rob explains it. Deana gets a free out when Rob admits that he quit, too, so she declares she can't do it and quits almost immediately. Rob boasts that his plan was essentially foolproof, because once he "hooked Ray and Deana," he was "guaranteed not to be eliminated." Not true, of course, but it is true that it locked in at least one other team that would (1) have to wait; and (2) have to wait longer than Rob did. Lynn asks Rob why he's quitting, and Rob says, "Can't be done, man." "Oh, Alex'll get it done for sure," Lynn says. Of course, Alex has already thrown up, so if the task were to eat the food without throwing it back up, which seems to me like it would at least have some point to it instead of being a big binge-and-purge thing, Alex wouldn't be able to do it either. Not everyone wants to eat and vomit for several hours and still wind up sick and dehydrated. I'm not prepared to stipulate that Alex has proved much about the wisdom of trying to complete this task.
Furthermore, what's really clever and kind of lucky about the way this played out is that it's easier for Deana to quit, because Rob has already quit. It's like she has this comfort level coming from, "Well, Rob's already quit." Almost like she outlasted him. Which she obviously didn't, and the funny thing is that she is worse off because Rob quit ahead of her. That means that his penalty will be shorter than hers, and it guarantees her that she's going to be well behind at least one team, whereas if she had quit before Rob, they'd at least have been tied. See what I mean? He's making them more comfortable quitting by telling them that he didn't make it either, when in fact that makes quitting substantially more hazardous to them than if they could quit while he was still trying.
Ron is being fanned by Kelly as he continues eating. "Well, today is probably the worst eating experience that I've ever had in my entire life," Ron drawls. "And mind you, I lost 25 pounds in about 18 days in Iraq." I know it's wrong of me to find it funny when Ron says the food was more damaging than Iraqi prison food, but I sort of do. Of course, he goes on to say that the Iraqi prison food wasn't exactly worse, but at least he didn't have to eat four pounds of it. Heh. Who knew we would get Iraqi prison food jokes? What a world.
Various people in various stages of digestive distress, intentionally making themselves ill. Meredith looks to be doing particularly poorly, and Ray tells Gretchen that it might be faster to quit than to try to muddle through it. Gretchen goes over and presents this option to Meredith, with the four-hour penalty. She thinks it will take him at least a couple of hours to get through it, at which point he'll presumably be sick and they'll be behind, and that's sort of assuming everything goes well. They discuss the options, and ultimately, she acknowledges that it's up to him what he wants to do.
Commercials. Oh, Coach K. How strange it is to see you in so many damn ads all of a sudden.
When we come back, Meredith is bailing on the task, taking the penalty. "I'm finished," he says. Uchenna, on the other hand, is still eating, as is Alex. The first to finish, actually, is Uchenna, who was not nearly the first to arrive. Guy can eat. He raises his hands in a holler of victory. They get the clue sending them to the pit stop, a "traditional Argentine ranch." They leave in their car, really hoping to come in first. Joyce tentatively asks him, "Do you want...a mint?" He laughs an awesome, from-the-belly laugh, and repeats, "Do I want a mint?" Wow, I love them. Go, Uchenna and Joyce! Back at the task, Alex finishes eating. They read the pit stop clue and leave. Uchenna and Joyce, meanwhile, are pulled over getting directions. Lynn is congratulating Alex on how awesome he was, and Alex is concentrating on not throwing up. You know, again. Both teams navigate toward the pit stop, and we are forced to submit to more fake tension with Phil pointing from the pit stop mat. Aaaand...it's Lynn and Alex! They are welcomed, and Phil tells them they are team number one. No prize, in keeping with the general pattern over the season of throwing a couple of prizes in at the beginning and then no prizes until nearer to the end. They immediately tell Phil about passing Amber and Rob. Phil says that must have felt good. They reenact their paddling, because...yeah, I have no idea why. Lynn interviews that indeed, "a big part of the sweetness" for them was beating Rob and Amber. In case you didn't notice.
Uchenna and Joyce are disappointed not to be first. But they do their best to take it in stride. Phil chastises them for being beaten out on the drive, but they will probably move on with their lives, because they seem like the type.
Patrick and Susan are in their car. She's eating some kind of a...bar? And she's talking about how it's "lunch and dinner." "We'll find some cheap meal in Mendoza," he says. Hee. And there's a close-up of the bar, which might be jerky, maybe? Susan says, "This tastes like a steak." Oh, goodness, the things you can't make up. I'm telling you, somebody in post-production gave money to a sick nun right before they filmed this leg.
Loud dinner music continues at the barbecue while Greg and Ron are trying to eat. "This is very romantic," Ron deadpans as he tries to shove more food into his maw. Greg and Ron both finally finish, and both teams leave.
Susan and Patrick come up to the barbecue, and Patrick takes it. Of course, Meredith and Gretchen and Deana and Ray are happy to see them, because that means their penalty clock starts to run at last. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber's clock is at about 2:40 left, so they're going to leave almost an hour and a half before the other teams who didn't do the Roadblock. Patrick starts eating.
Bianca and Debbie get finished with the rafting, declare their love for each other some more, and drive toward the pit stop. They may drive two hours in the wrong direction, but they have love.
Pit stop. Ron and Kelly and Brian and Greg get to the pit stop as teams three and four, and jump on the mat together. There is high-fiving.
Patrick is catching on to just how bad this eating business is going to be, distracted no doubt by the three teams who have already bailed, and he's telling his mother that the volume of food is so great that he's not sure he can fit it in his stomach. "Do it!" she snaps. "Yeah," he snots in a flat voice. "See, this is why I need you to be quiet." Ohhhh. He's snotty, but kind of right. They have a chat in which he tells her that if she were the one doing it, he would be sympathetic to her in a way she isn't being sympathetic to him. "I would start vomiting," she lectures. He insists she wouldn't; she insists she would. She actually seems very irritated while...telling her son that he should be vomiting? I hate this Roadblock. "The more you do this," he says, "the more it makes me want to not do it just to spite you because you're being so insensitive about this." Heh. Well, at least he's in touch with that part of himself, because it's not like everyone doesn't have those moments. "This could be it," she lectures, as if that's all there is to it. "Whatever," she finally declares in that disappointed-mom way. "You decide what you're going to do." "I will decide what I'm going to do," he says. She walks away.
The waiting penalty teams are...well, waiting out their penalties. And Patrick is sitting there, not knowing precisely what to do, it appears. "I can't do it," he says to his mother. "I can't." He adds, "Debbie and Bianca aren't going to finish it; I'm sure of it." But when Debbie and Bianca get to the pit stop, Debbie literally leaps up and down with excitement about the four pounds of meat. She acts all excited and no-problem about it as she unbuckles her pants. Elsewhere, Rob leans in to the camera and says, interestingly with exactly the same grin he applies when he's congratulating himself, "When she finds out she can still be in this game, I think she's going to eat it." He pauses. "This chick's tough," he smiles. "She had the stones [I think he says 'stones'] to yell at me. She's gotta be."
Rob and Amber's penalty time expires, and they are handed their clue. They leave for the pit stop. In the car on the way to the pit stop, Rob says, "It was slick the way we pulled it off." And it was. They head up to the mat. When they get there, Phil says he doesn't know what's making him laugh (heh), but they're team number five. Phil tells them they look "very pleased with [them]selves." A construction he could just as easily have applied to the preening Alex and Lynn, of course. But didn't. "I didn't think I could do it," Rob says, "but I found a way to plot and scheme on The Amazing Race." And again, your sense of how firmly Rob has his tongue planted in his cheek when he makes that remark largely controls how he comes off to you. Phil calls it "unprecedented" that "there are teams at the Roadblock who are not moving, because you convinced them not to move." Rob and Amber laugh. "I mean, how did you do that?" Rob: "Sometimes, I wonder myself, Phil." And to me, it was so clear that that was a perfect example of him totally riffing on his own image -- he can't even say that with a straight face. I do think he loves doing that shit, but I don't think he really thinks that makes him awesome, so much as it makes him think other people are unbelievably dopey, with which I kind of agree in this instance.
Yeah, some teams who quit the Roadblock are going to finish ahead of some teams who didn't, and traditionally, that does entirely go against the way I like things to be. But by the time what you're "testing" is the ability to make yourself vomit, there's not much left of any identifiable "spirit of things" anyway, so seriously? I don't care. Is it an inspiring finish? Well, no. Neither have been a zillion different legs dating back to at least the rise of Flo. And had there been two small women who couldn't get the four pounds of beef down, and had there been two big guys who drove for two fucking hours without having any idea where they were going, who then eliminated the small women by skillfully throwing up into a bucket repeatedly? That wouldn't feel great to me, either. That's not even to mention the fact that teams have been giving up on tasks for many seasons, by switching Detours -- because they thought it gave them a better shot at staying in the race. They had another option within the rules, so they took it. Which is exactly what the teams who quit this Roadblock did. Several of the teams, you can deduce, took multiple hours to eat the food, and you never know how sick those people are going to be tomorrow, and some people just really don't want to make themselves throw up over and over for several hours. When you're foregoing a task in order to stay in the game, that strikes me as entirely different from giving up because you'd rather be eliminated than do the task, which I think wasn't the case here. But ultimately, it's about my hostility toward this kind of stupid task and its tendency to test "skills" like strategic vomiting that makes me not give as much of a damn about quitting as I normally would. Also, Rob is funny and makes self-righteous nitwits (on the show, I'm saying) incredibly frustrated. And for that, there is a little space in my heart reserved for him alone.
Back at the Roadblock, Debbie is eating, and Patrick is now saying that if he has to eat the food, he'll eat it. They both eat. Patrick throws up on the ground. Gretchen says she feels bad for both of them, and then her penalty time and Ray and Deana's expires, so they leave for the pit stop. Ray and Deana are there first, so they finish as team number six. Gretchen and Meredith roll in as team number seven, as the sun is setting. Patrick finally finishes, while there's still a good amount of daylight left. They leave. The thing we see is Debbie receiving her clue when it's quite dark, so I wouldn't at all doubt that she was bailed out of that task once Patrick and his mom were at the pit stop. She doesn't even indicate to the judge that she's done; he just comes over and gives her her clue. In fact, at the time she's given the clue, she literally still has food in her hand. Which she puts down when they tell her she's done. Bianca cheers for her as "the only girl [sic] to finish" and so forth. They get the clue and leave.
Patrick and Susan and Debbie and Bianca head for the pit stop in their cars. Up to the mat, up to the mat, it's...Susan and Patrick. Welcome, you are team number eight. And then Debbie and Bianca run up and are eliminated. Boo hoo. Live by the nauseous, die by the nauseous. Phil rubs it in that they came in first on the first leg. Yeah, baby. Bianca characterizes them as having made "a mistake that was detrimental." Of course, that's not a single mistake. Driving two hours without knowing where you're doing, seeing anything identifiable to tell you you're going the right way, that sort of thing -- that's not one mistake. That's screwing up a whole bunch of times in a row.
Of course, Debbie has to insist that it wasn't about them, it was a bigger issue about a women's team, blah blah, and that's fine, but I don't need women I don't care for representing my interests, so they can speak for themselves as far as I'm concerned. Aaaanyway, they love each other, so that's fine. What can you say about people who drove for that long without knowing where they were? That's a total lack of fundamentals, as they would say during the tournament. It's not like that says anything about women; that just says something about them.
week: Horses! Taxis! Rob being Rob! Deana being picked on! Oh, what fun.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.