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Well, all good things must come to an end, right? Right. So this week, once Hayden and Aaron have gotten the obligatory begging out of the way, the action moves from Corsica to Ethiopia, which Kendra is just sure is going to be poor people again, like, how tiresome, we just saw poor people! A Detour involves mud-slinging and roof-dragging, and then there is a critical donkey juncture (don't question it; just go with it) at which Jonathan and Victoria forget the thing about bringing two donkeys, and they only bring one. Yeah. I know. It's kind of too obvious, but the fact remains that Jonathan and Victoria are finally eliminated, after ruining only about two-thirds of the season for me personally. I'd say I hope they get counseling, but I really have to admit I don't care. In other news, El Hornio is getting nastier, Freddy is getting more psycho, and Kris and Jon? Smiling through, as usual. Oh, and it turns out that Ethiopian children are really nice. You know what causes that? Great breeding. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Goodness Gracious, Grapes All Afire: Jonathan gave Victoria a noogie, which was totally hilarious, because he only handles her out of good-humored affection, get it? Seriously, it's hilarious. Why are you looking at me that way? In Corsica, El Hornio sucked it up at just the right moment, and he and Rebecca grabbed the FF and finished first. Kendra jumped up and down, just like on The Man Show, bringing great joy to everyone who's ever watched this Emmy-award-winning show and wondered why it couldn't have more Adam Carolla. Jonathan and Victoria screamed at each other some more as he explored just how many ways there are to obstruct the flow of grape juice through a tube using only your feet. Hayden: "MYYAAAHHHH!" Aaron: "Oy." Hayden: "SPEEEYOOOOO!" Aaron: "Oy." Hayden: "GRRRRREEEP!" Aaron: "Oy." The actors squabbled so much that they dropped all the way to last place, but it turned out that this was a non-elimination round. So to sum up, of the six episodes preceding the one you are about to watch, two resulted in eliminations. You want to know why the season is dragging like a Charlie Brown kite? That's one place to start looking.Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Don and MJ bare their teeth, which turn out to be pointy. Because you know what's funny? Vampire teeth you clean with Polident.
Commercials. Wow, now they're putting battery-powered fans in an air freshener. And to think I was wasting all this time, like, washing the dishes and bathing.
"NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP!", the music frenetically wails as we return to the green and mountainous landscapes of Corsica. Look, it's Julie Andrews and seven small children! They sure walked a long way. Phil reminds us that the pit stop for the leg was theoretically an overlook high above a port city. Of course, the actual pit stop was likely at the Scenic Overlook Hilton Corsica, but there's no point reminding the audience that the racers can now take time out from their hard-charging racing schedule to order pastries and orange juice from room service. Also, Phil is wearing drab blue-green, and his hair looks funny. I'm getting really grumpy. At any rate, the teams have now experienced their mandatory rest period, and they're all ready to begin their optional bitching and arguing period, which they will just treat as mandatory. Hayden and Aaron, Phil reminds us, had to turn in all their money, and they won't be getting any more. And sadly, I think you know Hayden isn't hiding any in her bra, as women sometimes do, for the same reason you know Aaron isn't hiding any in his tall stovepipe hat. Phil wonders aloud whether Hayden and Aaron will rebound. Try not to envision Hayden bouncing off of anything when you hear the word "rebound," not that I don't totally understand. Because I do.
12:12 AM. Hornio. El Hornio, this morning, is sporting a white hood. And considering that he's pairing it with a black sleeveless shirt? Yeah. Not really feeling it. He looks like he just got in from his rap video, which he filmed on the Stairmaster at Bally's. They read the clue, which tells them to take a ferry to Nice. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll go to the city garden, where they'll find a statue with a clue to it. And now...unnecessary zoom! As Hornio leaves the mat, Rebecca comments that she doesn't think ferries will be leaving in the middle of the night. This is probably, somehow, El Hornio's fault. Rebecca interviews that they have "great moments" in their relationship, but they have bad ones, too. In case you didn't notice. Where they want to "kill each other." And unless you're starring in some kind of a cop/quarry flick with homoerotic undertones, the love and the wanting to kill each other don't match up so well. They adjourn to the hotel, and when they're asked about the ferry, they learn that it leaves at 11:30 the morning. Not surprising, of course. The Department of Race Planning wouldn't want to leave any possibility that anyone could fall behind and steal any of the suspense from the last ten minutes of the show that is intended to determine the entire course of the episode.
2:03 AM, Nuance. Apparently, the amount of money for the leg is $143, and they count it and take off. Freddy explains that their "team chemistry" is great, except for the part where she tells him she won't tolerate the way he talks to her. And, you know, the part where he throws up and then eats it. Not that that really has much to do with team chemistry, but I really can't stop thinking about it. I see him; I think of soup. It's so sad, because I used to think about much more pleasant and dirty things. They, too, get the news that the ferry leaves at 11:30. I don't think I like Unshaven Freddy. Some boys are meant to be pretty, and when they go all scruffy, they look like they're in jail, where they are probably someone's bitch. I'm just saying -- unsettling.
2:13 AM. Lori and Booooooo-lo! For some reason, I am abruptly possessed by the need to pronounce their names inside my head like I'm a wrestling announcer. So now, all I can hear inside my head is, "Lori and Boooooo-lo!" Sigh. This is your brain on reality television. Any questions? Oh, and yes, Bolo refers to the city as "Nice," with the long "I." Indeed, it's the city so nice, they didn't actually name it Nice. In other news, Bolo has apparently been weighing himself surreptitiously, because he claims to have lost twenty pounds. And that's a lot on a guy that...you know, short. They jump on the hotel idea with the rest of the sheep, and they ask about the ferry schedule. And the ferry is leaving at eleeeeeven-thiiiiiiiirty! See? I can't stop doing it.
2:14 AM. Kris and Jon. If he would just get rid of the visor, you know? I really do hate the way those things make your head look like a planter. Wait, that's a joke I'm almost sure I've made before. Aaaand...yep. I did. You can tell my relationship with visors is long and bitter. Notably, the white letters on the captions say "Kris and John." Way to misspell one of your contestants' names, geniuses. Glad to know they've farmed out portions of post-production to a high-school audiovisual squad. Kris says, in one of those granola "interviews" that's more than obviously been assembled from a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a little bit of coconut, that she and Jon just try to stay focused on their own work and try not to be influenced by other teams. By the way, apropos of nothing, if you didn't get to see Kris hiss "Fuck!" on the Insider videos last week, you're just not living right.
2:18 AM. Dear Jonathan: Please put a fucking shirt on. Sincerely yours, Trauma Surgeons Of The World, Self-Inflicted Stab Wounds Division. Jonathan says that Team Spazpants is "going back to basics." Jonathan will work in "the air" and Victoria will work on "the ground." Especially when he shoves her and she falls over. Ha ha! What, you don't think stuff about abuse is entertaining? Gee, ME NEITHER. Note to show: You fucked up. Don't fuck up again. It's not cute. It's not funny. Stop telling yourselves it's great TV. It's MUCH less entertaining than Omarosa. It's MUCH less entertaining than fucking Fairplay, and he was the biggest and boring-est shitheel in history. You made me no longer look forward to what was my favorite show for three years. I'm not a babe in the woods on this stuff, and I've tolerated plenty of assholes without complaint. But abusive husbands, whether verbally or physically or emotionally or all three, no matter how revolting the personalities of their wives, are OFF-LIMITS. ALWAYS. You dig? Good. Now I won't have to say it YET AGAIN. On with the show; let's have fun!
2:51 AM, Hayden and Aaron. Now how is that possible? How are they half an hour behind Spazpants when there was all that business about the teams spotting each other while running to the pit stop? Was all the stuff about seeing each other shipped in from some other sequence? Because...what? Anyway, Aaron good-naturedly notes that they have no money. Hayden has no good nature to spare, so she says nothing on the mat. She does voice over, however, that they'll be remaining "positive," which makes a lot of sense, considering that we've pretty much conclusively established that losing your money, like everything else that goes on in the first 45 minutes, has been carefully planned out so that it never makes a damn bit of difference. At the hotel, they run into Nuance, who tells them that the price of the ferry is apparently 120 euros.
And then it is night, and then it is morning, and Hayden and Aaron are headed off for an early start on their begging. Hayden pronounces "beg" in a slightly California-esque way, so of course, because he's pissed off at her and grammar is as good a nitpick as any, Aaron corrects her that it should be a clean "beg" rather than something that sounds like "bag." "I know how to say...Aaron, don't be an ass," she says. Oh, big whoop, girl. I know how to say that, too. They walk up to a table and start asking people for money. They get a little from one person, a little from another, and a little from a lady in a pink blouse who holds up her palm all, "Beg from the hand"...it's basically the same dull panhandling sequence we've seen before. They should really get rid of this rule, because never has an interesting plot development come of it. It's just tiresome. Aaron does try gamely to add some excitement by pointing out that they were really embarrassed by having to beg. Other teams arrive at the ferry as Hayden and Aaron continue begging. There is an attempt to create suspense about whether or not Hayden and Aaron will make the ferry, but...have I mentioned that it clearly won't matter anyway? At any rate, they continue begging. And -- what do you know? Everyone gets on the ferry, including Hayden and Aaron. He says they were "so pumped." They actually continue begging on the boat, getting some more money for, presumably, food and such. Because once you get into the pathos groove, you just can't stop.
In Nice, Spazpants goes off in search of a cab first. They are indeed the first to get one, and they clap their hands, because as you know, that makes a taxi go faster. Lori and Bolo get a cab, then Hornio, Nuance, Hayden and Aaron, and -- stuck behind and still cab-hunting -- Kris and Jon. I'm so very concerned about this tendency to fall behind at critical moments. I can't help thinking it's lying in wait for them at some brutally difficult point. Spazpants pulls up at the statue, and they pull a clue. Phil explains that it requires them to fly 4500 miles to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. There, they'll find a sign-up sheet for a couple of charters. So, to review: A twelve-hour wait for the ferry. Then an international super-flight. Then charters once you get there, just to make sure that everyone winds up bunched exactly as pre-planned. Could really be a half-hour show at this point. In fact, I'm not sure it couldn't be shown during the commercials of other shows. Anyway, their clues will be under the windshield wipers of the vans that will be waiting for them outside the airport, in the great tradition of ads for weight-loss products and ways to become rich on real estate without spending any of your own money. Spazpants takes off, debating whether or not to use a travel agent. Lori and Bolo arrive , then Hornio. In the Hornio car, Rebecca starts talking about how hot and difficult the place will be, and El Hornio breaks in, saying, "Instead of rambling on about how bad, this and that, and your experience, can we deal with getting there first?" He's right, of course, that she is being ostentatiously thoughtful about the problems in Ethiopia, but he's also wrong, in that they've never seemed to be thwarted in their efforts to get anywhere by all the rambling. In other words, he should admit that he wants her to stop it because it's damn irritating, not because it hurts the team. The Model (?) Alliance gets clues.
In the Nuance cab, Kendra is unhappy. "It's Ethiopia. It's going to be depressing, and Third World. We just went to a Third World country," she says in exasperation, barely able to contain her disgust that she's being asked to go back to someplace poor when she's already done her duty of seeing life as others live it and would really rather return to seeing life as she sees it and has always seen it, thank you very much. Broadening her horizons makes her feel icky.
Finally, Kris and Jon get a cab, and in the cab, he's working on the driver, like, "Umm...we're...we're in a hurry..." Obviously, he hasn't received the memo about the importance of clapping and haranguing in international taxi behavior. They read their clue, and they head for a travel agency. It turns out that Spazpants is doing exactly the same thing with a different travel agent. Fortunately, the first travel agent that Jonathan sets out to berate tells him that he's out of luck, because she can't sign on to her computer at the moment. Boy, that is sad. I am so very filled with regret. In the cab, Jonathan cannot believe that Victoria made the travel agent's computer crash like that. "From now on, this is my part," he says, hoping that if he intervenes in time, she won't go screwing up the computers at the airport, too. She tries to tell him that he was scaring off the travel agent (probably true), but you can imagine how much he's listening.
Lori and Bolo are the first to the airport, and they get themselves on a flight via Rome that will leave Nice this evening at 6:05 PM. They decide to keep looking. Hornio follows, but they don't have much luck finding anything any earlier than that, either. By the time Nuance arrives, they head for Air France, but they get cut off by an approaching Lori and Booooo-lo, still looking for alternatives. It's very hard to tell where Nuance even is during this sequence, but Kendra winds up taking the position that Lori and Bolo cut in line. She tells them so, and then she tells us so, referring to Lori and Bolo as "the barbarians" in that lovely way she has. "We're actually getting very sick of their childish antics," sayeth the princess who can't walk through a foreign country without requiring a diplomatic maneuver of apology. Ultimately, Lori and Bolo are going with a flight through Rome, where they'll have to spend the night and then leave for Addis Ababa, not arriving until 10:00 the following night. So it's basically daytime on one day, and they're not going to get to the clue until late night of the following day. It's a good thing Hayden and Aaron didn't miss that ferry, isn't it? There's no way they could have kept up with this blistering pace otherwise.
Freddy works on tickets at another counter, and when he calls Kendra over (since when are the two people on a team allowed to wait in different lines? That's new), she tells him that Lori and Bolo butted in front of her. I have news for you, dearie -- if you're there without your teammate, you have nothing, as far as I'm concerned, and anyone can go anywhere in front of you that they'd like. Freddy, unsurprisingly, does not agree. "I promise you, that'll never happen again," he says solemnly, putting an arm around her shoulders and looking deeply into her eyes. Because apparently, the fact that someone just butted in line in front of her (maybe) makes her...a trauma victim? ["I thought that surely Freddy would burst out laughing right after that and go, 'Not. Toughen up, lady.' But he didn't, so…he's a dweeb." -- Sars] She's like a Lifetime movie with Tracey Gold, only sadder. I mean...there are some delicate chicks in the world, but that's really something. I'm surprised she survives the grocery store. Wait, what am I saying? She doesn't go to the grocery store.
Elsewhere, Hornio gets the news that the flight to Rome that Lori and Bolo are on is full, so they're on a later Air France flight. El Hornio notes that they're going to be in Nice for the evening. Well, that'll be a fun time. Alone in a foreign country with the person who brings out the worst in you...what could be better? Because the only thing that makes dysfunction even more enjoyable is a language barrier and an argument at the currency exchange. Nuance gets a flight through Cairo, landing in Addis Ababa at 3:00 AM -- about five hours after Lori and Bolo are scheduled to land. When Hayden and Aaron show up, they ask Nuance what kind of help they're getting from Lufthansa. Getting that the answer is "not much" as far as anything leaving any time soon, Hayden and Aaron decide to go with Nuance on that Cairo route, so they won't be getting in until 3:00 in the morning on what is now the day after tomorrow. Ow.
Kris and Jon, meanwhile, get a route from Nice to Zurich, Zurich to Cairo, and Cairo to Addis Ababa. That doesn't sound so good, though it's hard to say whether that would have put them on the same Cairo-Ethiopia plane as the Model (?) Alliance. At least they'll go through Zurich and can pick up chocolate and watches and international spy money.
At the airport, Bolo bonks his hat on the ceiling while boarding the plane. There's one for the cheap seats, it's safe to say. Phil explains that Lori and Bolo are the first to get out of Nice. They'll have a layover in Rome, and then on to Addis Ababa.
At the airport, Spazpants sends Victoria to the ticket counter, and she chats it up with Alitalia. They give her a connection through Rome, arriving in Addis Ababa at the same time -- 10:00 PM -- as Lori and Bolo. In other words, they'll catch Lori and Bolo in Rome. Jonathan talks about how "Victoria was victorious," which gives me a whole new reason to look at him and want to throw up, as if I needed a whole new reason.
Lori and Bolo arrive in Rome all by themselves at about 9:30 at night, and because they can't afford a hotel, they decide to hang out at the airport until morning.
At 5:30 AM in Nice, people are beginning to stir. In a shot you could not have made up no matter how long you tried, Hayden abruptly hurls herself up into a sitting position while mostly still asleep, as if she was startled, with all the bizarre facial expressions, bird-nesty hair, and stunned demeanor that entails. Ah, morning: the great equalizer. Nobody else is looking too good either, of course. El Hornio, however, is up with the chickens, and he goes over to the Alitalia counter and wangles a seat on the same Rome route that Spazpants is on. When Rebecca hears about this, she decides to share the information with Kris and Jon. Why? No idea. I don't know how bad Kris and Jon's tickets actually were, but whatever they were, it doesn't strike me that it's in Rebecca's interests to make them better. Why you would bail out a team that good is kind of mystifying to me, but...what do I know? I just write recaps. El Hornio agrees with me, though, and he goes on a bit about Rebecca's "big mouth," and the way she shared the information with Kris and Jon. "Good work, Rebecca," he snorts.
We then move to a most unpleasant conversation between the Hornios in which he tells her that because she gave away the information, he will be the one having to bust his ass trying to outrun Jon and Jonathan to get to the charter first. He has a point, sort of, even though he's totally being a dick. She, in response, rambles on about how much she hates being with him and how bad he makes her feel. A sentiment for which I would have a lot more sympathy if she hadn't been pretty shitty to him herself on more than a few occasions. In a move El Hornio means to be firmly loving that nonetheless comes off creepy, he stops her from standing up and walking off, and sort of plunks her back down in the chair, then sits in her chair with her, sort of half on top of her. Don't do that shit, dude. It's clear that he's actually trying to be reassuring in some weird way, so he tells her he doesn't hate her for giving away the information or anything. Wow, he's just not reading her at all -- she doesn't feel bad because he's criticizing her. She hates the situation, and this isn't going to help. She doesn't want him to be responsible for all the dumb-ass behavior in the conversation, though, so she decides to crank out, "You're very abusive," an accusation for which we've seen markedly little evidence, and...really, you want to watch that. "You're just as bad as Jonathan and Victoria," she accuses, and that is definitely bullshit. She vows that as soon as they're home, she's through with him, and in the completely different conversation making up the other half of that scene (were we supposed to not notice? Sorry), she says that she's wasted all the time on him that she's going to. Good. STOP HANGING WITH HIM. Lord. You know who the guy is now. Don't like him? DROP HIM. It's not like El Hornio's basic demeanor makes it incredibly difficult to discern what kind of a guy he is. He's Weird Weepy Mama's Boy With Little Ponytail Horns. If you find it endearing? Knock yourself out. If not? Give both of you a break, dear. You're not turning him into an NFL player.
Commercials. Man, I've had that nightmare where Emeril moves into my building. It is scary, indeed. Mine always has paprika and Cajun music in it.
When we return, El Hornio is still not reading the room, so he's still trying to get Rebecca to tell him that everything is all right, which he expresses in the form of ordering her to stop crying. Yeah, good one. She responds by pulling her hood over her head, and he does likewise, thinking it's cute, because they're Pouty Twins. Which it isn't. Cute, I mean. It's certainly plenty pouty. El Hornio tells Rebecca he's sorry, he loves her...they need to break up more than anyone has ever needed to break up, ever. Rebecca tells us that she hates it when they have these big fights -- not because it's personally painful, but because it interferes with their racing. Sigh. El Hornio keeps trying to hold her hand, she keeps trying not to let him...oy. This actually would be less uncomfortable if Emeril did show up, and that is saying a lot.
The Model (?) Alliance gets on its flight to Cairo, and then on to Ethiopia. Then Kris and Jon, Hornio, and Spazpants hop on their flight to Rome. And speaking of Rome, here we are in the airport, where these late Rome-flyers are catching up with a sleepy-looking Lori and Bolo. Jon is impressed to hear that Lori and Bolo have been hanging out in the Rome airport since last night. So basically, you have four teams going in one bunch and two (the Model [?] Alliance) in another on the way to Addis Ababa. And when they get there, it will be one of two charters -- one leaves at 8:00 AM, one at 8:30.
At 10:00 PM, the Rome group lands, and they run for the departure counter where the charters are. Hornio gets there first, followed by Spazpants, then Lori and Bolo. El Hornio explains that he's happy Kris and Jon didn't make it, because he thinks they're really strong, and he'd love to see them knocked out. Kris and Jon arrive and are the first of the three teams on the second charter. Boooo! And they show Kris saying, "That sucks," which comes right after the part where she says "Fuck!" on the Insider. I'm telling you, you'll giggle. "Fuck!" Hee hee. Not that it makes her stop smiling.
On a shuttle, a very, very snoozy-looking Freddy tells us that it's 3:30 AM, and they're just getting off their lovely flight from Cairo. Aaron is pretty sure they're running behind the other four teams at this point. They sign up for the loser charter.
Morning! First charter flight, which the teams are spending being surprised by the fact that Ethiopia really doesn't look the way they remember it from Live Aid. Okay, they probably don't remember Live Aid, because they were all zygotes at the time. But if they did, that's what they'd be thinking. El Hornio is impressed by how green and gorgeous it is. Yep. That's what getting over a drought will do to you. The second charter follows. When the first plane lands at Lalibela Airport, Spazpants is the first to go out and pick a van. They rip a clue that tells them to direct their driver to take them to what Jonathan calls "Louisville Village." Phil explains that it's actually Lewz Village. Eh...same thing? Maybe he thinks it's an airport code, the way "MSP" is for the Twin Cities. Anyway, at the village, they'll find their clue at an overlook. Hornio and Lori and Bolo follow. Jonathan, because the directions require you to direct your driver yourself, spends a lot of time trying to pick up a local, to the point where Victoria shrieks at him that the second charter is landing while he's standing there scheming. "Oh, be quiet," he says with disgust. Indeed, the second charter lands just as Spazpants is getting on its way. This is where one begins to wonder whether Jonathan is going to fall victim to overreliance on his ask-a-local technique. One can only hope.
In the Nuance van, Kendra comments that she likes this much better than Dakar. "It's a different kind of poverty. It's like these people choose to be this way." Right. It's only sensible to resent poverty a lot more when it's thrust upon unwilling people who are poor in spite of their best efforts -- those are the people I just hate. This poverty, actually, she finds "refreshing." Oh, and one more thing -- "The animals aren't even as skinny." I bet the people in Dakar are so embarrassed that they subjected Kendra to their bony goats. They'll try to do better time. Lori and Bolo, meanwhile, pull over to ask for directions. Jonathan stops some kid on the street and hauls him into the van to be a guide, promising to pay him. Victoria asks whether the kid knows where they're going, and Jonathan says, "It doesn't make a difference." Well, really. It's important not to get bogged down in the details when you're trying to get a difficult task accomplished in a reasonable time. And then in the van, Jonathan tries to get the "guide" to understand that they're in a "competition," and Victoria's like, "Yeah, he doesn't care, we just need to go fast." This, because it makes sense, is very offensive to Jonathan, who tells her, "Work with me, here!" No, he really does. Just like he's a movie director in a satirical movie about movie directors. Elsewhere, Hayden and Aaron hop out and ask for directions.
Hornio is first to find the clue, and they're followed closely by Lori and Bolo. Oh, and Bolo wipes out, which is awesome, because guys falling down is really funny, especially when they're really big guys who could snap you in half like a number-two pencil but probably won't, because they'll trip before they get to you. When Hornio opens the clue, it's a Detour. And the options are Raise the Roof and Mud the Hut. I'm sorry, "Raise the Roof"? Is this a Detour from 1992? Will the Fly Girls be participating? As Phil explains, in Raise the Roof, you join some locals and help haul the frame of a roof to a hut and place it on top. This is being described as the physically demanding but not difficult option. Not that I'm sure how difficult it can be with nine freaking people involved. In Mud the Hut, you haul mud over to a wall and hurl it all over the wall until you cover it. Oh, and the mud has glass shards or drill bits or piranhas or something in it, apparently, but we won't learn that until later. Phil claims that the complication is that it "could take a long time," but I think really the complication is that it's mud. The teams stand around wondering which of the two tasks is easier, and Lori and Bolo and Spazpants ultimately go with the mud, while Hornio takes the hut.
Lori and Bolo load mud onto a carrier (sort of like a stretcher) with a shovel, and then they haul it over to the wall they have to cover. And Jonathan decides to strip to his red underpants for the job. Which is great, because if you're going to star in your very own Theater of the Absurd, the least you can do is get a decent clown suit. They load up some mud.
Hornio runs down to the area where the roof frames are, and they rustle up their team of locals. This task really does seem so obviously preferable that I don't know why anyone would get involved with something tedious like mud-throwing, but there you go. The roof gets lifted up, and then Hornio and their team of locals are running with it.
The second clump of teams arrives, and they read the Detour clue. Hayden and Aaron pick the roof; Nuance picks the hut. Kris and Jon seem to be waffling, but fortunately, they ultimately pick the roof. All the teams, by the way, run past several small and irresistible children saying, "Hello!" Very cute little kids, I will agree. Hayden and Aaron pick up their roof, and Nuance starts with the mud. In a great shot, roof-carriers pass right behind Lori as she flings more mud up onto their carrier. In other words? Mud bad. Roof good. Speaking of which, Kris and Jon are on the way with their roof, too.
In a bad development, Freddy cuts his finger. And I don't want to spend a lot of time on it, because I'll get dizzy and quite possibly pass out, but his finger bleeds A LOT, and he still doesn't stop working. It's very unpleasant to look at, with the large quantity of blood mixing with the mud on his hands. Kendra tries to tell him he needs to go and get first aid, but he doesn't want to stop. Wait, I have to go lie down.
Okay, I'm back. Don't show Freddy's finger again. Hornio fits their roof over their hut, and it turns out that in order to finish it off, someone then has to climb up and put a jug on the top of the roof. El Hornio makes his way up the ladder. Rebecca bugs him to go faster, to which he says with some frustration for her to leave him alone. "I've never placed a jug on a roof before," he says simply. Hee. When he's done, they tear their clue, which tells them to deliver two donkeys to a farmer near a church that's shown in the clue. Phil explains that this involves walking a couple of donkeys about three miles to a church that's carved out underground. Three miles isn't an extremely short walk when you're hauling unwilling animals.
As the mud-slingers continue to work, Kendra frets over the fact that Freddy has a big open wound and is sticking his hands in Mud Of Unknown Origin. Yeah, I kind of agree with her. But he's not impressed, and just keeps up with the mud. To her concern that he's sticking his wounded hands in "crap," he responds that it might be "holy crap." Not a great line, but at least it takes my mind off all the blood so I can remain conscious. Meanwhile, Hornio grabs a couple of donkeys, and Rebecca is the first to find herself hilarious when she yells, "Move your ass, you ass!" She actually snort-laughs at this, because it is so original that there are a few non-English-speaking third-graders in other parts of the world who have never sent the show who didn't come up with it. "I don't know what to do," she laments. "Are there instructions on donkey-handling?" Sigh. See? Even for the joke she chose, "Are there instructions on ass-handling?" would have been much, much funnier. Amateur.
Aaron jugs the hut, and they leave with their donkeys. Jon jugs their hut, and they leave, too. These three roof-carrying teams all meet up at the donkey pens, where Rebecca is still trying to drag the donkeys. My favorite part is where Aaron is behind Hayden and her donkey as they walk, and he grins and says, out of her earshot, "I'm good at guiding asses." Then he waves his donkey crop at Hayden. "Just kidding," he laughs. He's not, of course. But what fun would passive-aggressive be without the passive part?
El Hornio and Rebecca bicker over their inability to get moving. Apparently, they have chosen donkeys that are stubborn, even for donkeys. Nice one. Hayden, meanwhile, gets directions to the church from a local child.
Lori and Bolo finally finish the mud task, and they receive their donkey clue.
At the donkey pen, Jon hollers gamely, "Who wants to be my donk-aaay?" None of the donkeys answers (fools), so he just picks one. Kris laughs as she tries to keep a donkey in check while passing Rebecca. Kris and Jon take off, and then El Hornio comes by, tapping a donkey lightly on the back as he begs it to keep going. "Don't make me do this the whole way," he says. "Please, I hate hitting you." See, Jonathan? When it's a donkey, it's okay to take that attitude. With wives? Not so much.
Elsewhere, Victoria reaches down for the wood carrier and screams. No, really -- screams. "AAAAAHHH!" Jonathan looks over with only mild interest. She runs over to some locals, who wash her hand off for her. Apparently, she, too, got some kind of a cut or a splinter from the mud carrier. "I don't know what's wrong with her!" Jonathan hollers as Victoria continues to scream. "Jonathan, help her!" Kendra shrieks as Jonathan stands, inert. Victoria continues to put on quite a display of misery.
Commercials. I can't believe they found a movie I want to watch less than a movie where Dakota Fanning is sweet. But they did.
When we return, Victoria is still whimpering. Much to her credit, Kendra yells at Jonathan, "She's screaming in pain! Help her, you asshole!" Hee, awesome. But Victoria decides to soldier on, and she sobs, "I'm not going to get eliminated because my fingers hurt!" So she returns to the mud. "I don't know what's wrong, babe," Jonathan says wearily. "He didn't even help her!" Kendra says, still shocked as she throws more mud at the wall. "Mind over matter," Jonathan says to his wife "supportively." Victoria may not want to be eliminated over this, but that doesn't mean she's through shrieking and screaming, because she is keeping it up quite persistently. Seriously, he is awful, obviously, but she is also a complete spaz, because this silliness like she's being murdered is not necessary. Get help or don't, but don't hang around and keep shrieking, because it's annoying. "Let's go, mind over matter," Jonathan insists, because it was so helpful last time.
Donkey-herding continues. Lori and Bolo pass some children along their way to the donkey pen. "Hello," Bolo says. "Hello," they say back. Aw. And then Spazpants gets their clue. And you'll notice that Jonathan reads it. "Deliver two donkeys..." They run off, rather frantically as usual. Nuance gets their clue at last, and Kendra frets that they're sure to be yielded, because apparently, the clue gives away that there's a Yield ahead.
Spazpants is screaming at each other as they get set to leave. So that's lots of fun. So much fun that...let's just not waste our time, shall we? Oh, good. I knew you'd understand.
Hayden and Aaron, led by a group of kids, one of whom is actually rolling a hoop just like in an old movie, head for the church. Lori and Bolo do the same. Spazpants is still screaming. Ultimately, Nuance actually gets to the donkeys ahead of Spazpants, so, leaving the donkey zone, Spazpants is in last place. And then the most curious thing happens -- Jonathan takes one donkey with him out of the pen. Not two, just one. And he and Victoria walk -- Jonathan still in his red panties -- along the paved road to the church. Victoria complains about how she can't understand how Freddy and Kendra could have beaten them; Jonathan tells her to "quiet down"...it's the same as always, you know.
Hayden and Aaron turn in their donkeys. They step to the Yield mat. Phil explains about how at this spot, a team can force any other team to Yield -- stop racing for some period of time. They can only use it once, although there are only three on the whole race and this is the second one, so it's not like you have a great chance of using it at some far more critical juncture if you don't use it now. Anyway, Hayden and Aaron aren't Yielding anyone. The clue they pick up is for a Roadblock that asks, "Who has an eye for detail?" Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the person will walk down inside the church and receive a pendant from a priest. The Roadblocker will then examine the pendants being worn by about 100 "worshippers" outside the church, looking for one that has exactly the same medallion. Check your claim tags carefully; many medallions look alike. When they find the match, they'll be given the clue. Aaron tells Hayden she can do this one, even though she seems hesitant. I think to myself, "Dear, you're going to have to do something, and haranguing doesn't count."
Hayden walks toward the church. She walks in very slowly and solemnly, which was much appreciated, at least by me. She sort of bows to the priest as he bows to her and gives her the medallion. As she walks out, she voices over about the amazing "energy of the place." Outside, she starts looking at guys in white robes.
Lori and Bolo, Kris and Jon, and Hornio are all close together bringing their donkeys toward the finish line. Kendra, on the other hand, is having an asthma attack, apparently a long-forgotten ailment of her youth. Freddy assures her that she's just hyperventilating, and she needs to control her breathing. "I'm okay," she says to a nice local kid -- maybe a young teenager -- who's suddenly walking beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "I have...breathe problems," she says. He takes her pack for her. She comments in an interview how much she loved the kids in this town. They held her backpack, they encouraged her, and she was crazy about them. Good thing their parents kept breeding and breeding. I can only hope she learned a little something from this experience, because...seriously. I mean, seriously. Kendra seems to recover from her attack, and she actually reaches over to pat the kid on the shoulder and thank him. Look how she's touching a poor person on purpose, right here in a Third World country. Go figure.
"Have some self-respect, Victoria!" Jonathan barks as he stomps along in his bandanna and red underpants. 'Nuff said.
Hayden finds her way to the medallion that's just like hers, and she gets her clue. As she leaves, she runs into a little kid who asks her her name, and tells her that his name is Balai. She interviews more about the "great experience" in the church, and then she and Aaron are reading their clue, which is about going to Lalibela Lookout. Phil says that this is about a one-mile hike. And the last team to check in "may be eliminated." Hayden and Aaron are surrounded by helpful kids who want to show them where the lookout is.
Lori and Bolo turn in their donkeys, and Lori takes the Roadblock. Right behind them are Kris and Jon, with Kris taking it for her team. When Lori gets to the priest to get her medallion, she actually kneels. I have no idea whether kneeling is necessary or even appropriate, but honestly, I just appreciate the effort, you know? The effort to be gracious and respectful. She gets her medallion and leaves. Kris heads in just after her. She leaves with her medallion and starts examining worshippers. Lori, on the other hand, has left the church entirely and winds up back in the surrounding area until she reads the clue and realizes where she went wrong. She heads back down the path. "Oh, outside the church," she mutters. "I'm so stupid." I'm so sympathetic to people in these situations, because seriously, I do that stuff all the time. My life has basically been a series of situations in which I miss the worshippers right outside the church and go wandering the mountains in confusion. Fortunately, I usually stumble across, like, a happy bunch of weirdos having a barbecue, and everything winds up working out. ["In fact, that's how she came to work at TWoP." -- Sars]
Meanwhile, Hornio and Freddy and Kendra are held up on the donkey path by a religious ceremony. Go figure. Anyway, they can't pass on the regular path because of what's going on, so they have to go the long way around. But Jonathan and Victoria have arrived safely with their donkeys. Er, "donkey." Yeah. They discover when they go to turn in the donkey that they're supposed to have two. "You were so panicked," says Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud. "I told you to calm down," repeats Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud. "It's over; we're done," says Victoria, always the defeatist. "Why didn't you help me read?" she asks Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud.
Kris searches worshippers, as does Lori, who is beginning to insist that none of them match hers. Kris finally hands her medallion over and gets her clue. She and Jon pick up some kids along the way who are going to show them where the pit stop is. Lori, on the other hand, is convinced hers isn't there, but she gives hers to "the only one that comes close." Turns out it's the right one, so she and Bolo leave for the pit stop.
And now, in a sequence that made no sense to me at all, as Hornio approaches the donkey station, they run into Jonathan and Victoria, coming the other direction. Jonathan tells El Hornio, with regard to Freddy and Kendra, "[El Hornio]! Yield them for us." So Hornio steps on the Yield and...Yields Freddy and Kendra. What? WHAT? El Hornio insists that it was important to Yield Nuance to stay in the game. For "self-preservation." Okay, morons. Listen up. If you really want to make sure you stay in the game, don't Yield the people who are right behind you. Yield the people who just found out they have to go three miles back and get another fucking donkey. Those people will then have to wait another half-hour (or however long) before they can go, and they really, really have no chance of being ahead of you. The way the episode ends, of course, will validate my view on this, but I thought that even at the time. And also, why are you doing favors for an asshole? Shut up, stupid Hornio.
When Nuance gets to the mat, Freddy blames Kendra for the fact that they're Yielded. That didn't seem necessary, really. I'll give credit for the fact that this is very suspenseful, though.
Commercials. Oh, that Thomas Haden Church. Who knew he had even more than Wings to offer? How much career can one man stand?
When we come back, Kendra is not happy about Freddy blaming her for getting them Yielded. "How dare you?" she demands to know. He blames her more; they bicker more; they're just frustrated and tired and need to be done for a while. "Well, it looks like we're going home," Kendra says with her trademark optimism.
El Hornio takes the Roadblock for his team, and Rebecca quickly concludes that maybe she shouldn't shriek at him so much in this holy setting. So after El Hornio has the medallion, she takes to a lot of stage-whispery screaming. Especially when he goes the wrong direction and heads off away from the church. And I don't think she knew that the unfortunate shadow would make her look quite so mustachioed when she says, "Never send a woman to do a man's job." He makes her so miserable! He is so abusive! She just wants to get away! Poor, poor, pitiful Rebecca.
Jonathan and Victoria are heading back with their two donkeys.
El Hornio is being led on a wild monk chase.
Nuance is still sitting out their Yield. Kendra says some stuff about how she's totally out to get Hornio now, but honestly, your chances at revenge are few and far between in this game, so it's better not to fixate on it. Elsewhere, Rebecca and her crap-ass karma stand around waiting for El Hornio to return. She could tip all of her cabbies a hundred dollars, and it would never make up for this.
Hayden and Aaron run up to the pit stop and hope on the mat. Welcome, Hayden and Aaron, you're team number one. And you win a trip to "exotic Mexico." Phil says he was worried about them at the end of the last leg. "We needed a little kick in the pants to get going," Hayden says. She says she knew they had it in them, and she just hopes all the bad luck is in the past. Well, sure. That's where you want to keep it.
to the pit stop are Lori and Bolo. Welcome, you're team number two. And..."Wow, you guys just really don't smell so good right now," Phil says. They laugh. "Want a hug?" Lori offers. Phil's like, "Yeah, ha ha, boundaries, people."
Welcome, Kris and Jon. You're team number three. They smooch.
El Hornio is freeeeeaking out. He's just figured out that he's not where he's supposed to be, so he's begging to be taken back. Meanwhile, the sand runs out on Freddy and Kendra, so they go and rip the Roadblock. She puts it on him immediately. "Honey, be very detailed," she says to Freddy, just as he rounds a corner and wipes out. If I had been her, I would have called out, "Not that detailed!", even though I wouldn't have been sure what it meant. There's no way I could have resisted.
This leaves Rebecca and Kendra standing at the Roadblock together, waiting for their errant boyfriends/ex-boyfriends to return. "Why didn't you guys Yield them? Why did you guys Yield us?" Kendra asks. Rebecca gets her total snot on as she stares down Kendra and says all you-can't-make-me-tell, "So many questions." Well, yeah, moron, you just screwed her in a way that makes absolutely no sense, and you did it at someone else's command. It's a perfectly fair thing to do, but she may ask you why. Also, Rebecca? Everyone knows that means you have no idea why you Yielded them, because you didn't think about it that hard. So it's not like you're fooling anyone anyway.
Freddy gets his medallion. El Hornio returns with his, so they're both looking. (Or so the timeline would have us believe.) Freddy is so excited to find the right one and get his clue that he leans over and almost hugs the guy, burying his face in the guy's shoulder. Don't do that, Freddy. That's creepy. El Hornio, meanwhile, becomes frustrated when one guy's hand is covering part of his medallion.
Freddy and Kendra are very excited about leaving the Roadblock before El Hornio and Rebecca. You know, understandably. They get some direction toward the lookout, and they take off. Meanwhile, Victoria asks a guy whether, when she has to go inside the church, she can wear his shirt. Yeah, they're not so much with the jog bras as outerwear in the places of worship. El Hornio finally gets a clue. As he and Rebecca get their clue, El Hornio starts stomping around, whimpering like a little girl about how it was "right there" the whole time. Rebecca tries to tell him it doesn't matter, because they're not last anyway, but he is inconsolable. Until, that is, he stops and says, "Who am I yelling at?" in a way that seems to deflate his own anger. They head for the pit stop. That was an extremely weird scene.
Jonathan and Victoria reach the Roadblock. She goes in with the guy's shirt on. She examines the worshippers. She gets her clue. The worshippers aren't the only people praying over this episode, that's for sure. She and Jonathan take off.
Welcome, Nuance, you are team number four. Even after being Yielded. Not bad. Phil asks her what the Yield was like, and she says they thought they were going home. Not!
Jonathan tries to get all the people walking toward the pit stop with him to do a fist in the air. Nice one. Hornio, heading for the pit stop. Spazpants, heading for the pit stop. What! Will! Happen! Phil stares out at someone approaching. The POV shot of the grass as the camera runs over it follows. And it's...it's...it's Hornio! I won't say I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole life, but I've certainly never been so happy to see these people. Welcome, Hornio, you are team number five.
And here comes Spazpants in a moment that Jonathan apparently thinks will look grand, although the picture of him, surrounded by, like, ten bored kids wanting to be on TV doesn't exactly make him a revolutionary war hero. But he and Victoria jump onto the mat, and he says he wants Phil to say it's non-elimination. But Phil doesn't. You're the last team to arrive, and Phil is sorry to tell you, although no one is sorry to be told, that you're both eliminated. Go the fuck home. Jonathan immediately says it's okay. Phil asks Victoria how she saw the experience, and she says she was so excited, and now she's so disappointed. Jonathan yammers for a while about conquering the world or something, whatever. Victoria says they enjoyed the entire race. "Every minute." Even the shoving part. That was just the bestest, most romantic thing ever. On a cliff, they smooch. Someone really should just go over and deliver one swift...well, never mind. I just don't even really want to think about them anymore. I'm so very tired. If you'll excuse the dangling preposition, it's just not what I watch this show for.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Hornio tries to take over the task of being huge assholes. Hayden is a big old girl. Lori is a different kind of big old girl.