Previously on You May Find Yourself Behind The Wheel Of Something That Looks A Hell Of A Lot Like Fear Factor: America Online brought people together into a state of supreme discomfort, even after Phil's little face greeted them, all pixel-like. Lori and Bolo tried desperately to catch up, and they did. Hera and Freddy got conked on the head, and he launched an inquiry that started and ended with the crazy, and covered much ground in between. Everyone ate soup. Some people ate the very same soup twice. Victoria puked, and not just because she's married to America's most remarkably boring blowhard. Lori and Bolo drank blood. Oh, delicious blood. Lori bit Phil on the neck, so at least there's something going on that I can relate to. Gus and Hera still loved each other, and it was too bad about how they got bounced, but at least they didn't have to run around with this mess of fools anymore. Six teams are left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Aaron pushes Hayden off the mountain. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, Julia Roberts. When did you sell your soul to AOL?
We return to Budapest, where Phil informs us that we are in Hungary, and he is inside a giant mayonnaise jar. Or so the sound of his echoing voice would suggest. In fact, it turns out that we are at Fisherman's Bastion, a monument built in honor of some very brave fishermen, which was the sixth pit stop. Phil is in a stone tower, not a mayonnaise jar. But wouldn't that have been cool? I think it would, but I'm distracted by how impressed I am to hear that the memorialized fishermen repelled an invasion. I hope they bitch-slapped the rampaging hordes with dead fish, because that would be awesome, and it would make for the best elementary school History Day projects ever.
At any rate, again, there is no eat/sleep/mingle footage, and again, I suspect it's because these people are all assholes and don't speak to each other. I shouldn't complain, I guess -- it's not like I'd want to see Hayden and Kendra sharing a cappuccino and talking about how hard it is to be a hottie. In the absence of the mingling, we get the rickety old "teams have no idea what's in store" patter, which really is a little silly, now that there aren't "clues" to "solve" anymore. I guess "teams will have to be able to read" doesn't sound as suspenseful. Phil wonders whether Hayden's "outbursts" will sabotage her team, and whether the alliance between Nuance and Hayden and Aaron will carry all of them through. I half-expect him to wonder aloud whether Jonathan can get any worse, but there's no point in tempting fate, I guess. Besides, we'll all find out soon enough.
11:12 PM. Lori and Bolo rip their clue, which tells them to go to what certainly sounds a hell of a lot like Bud-a-fuck. It's really dangerous to get into Bud-a-fuck relationships, you know. Someone always gets hurt. Anyway, Phil explains the clue further, carefully pronouncing what now sounds like "Buddha-Falk," which I think is what they called Columbo when he got chunky late in his career. In Buddha-Falk, they will go to a winery and run down a path to a giant wine cask, where a clue will be waiting. Is there a task there? A puzzle? Anything? Yeah, I didn't think so. Lori and Bolo leave, talking about how great they feel about going from worst to first. They grab a cab, about the driver of which Bolo says to Lori, "Man, this guy drives like you." It's kind of scary to think she's a bad driver, because that gives her a hell of a lot of ways to kill your ass. It's a wonder you're still alive.
At 7:15, the other plane lands, and these teams make their way to Napoleon's house and find the same thing -- not open until morning. We cut directly to 9:00 the following morning, as all the teams shuffle into the house. They find Fake Napoleon upstairs, and he hands them their clue. Wow, that was challenging. What a difficult and perplexing "clue" that was! Jonathan insists on shaking Fake Napoleon's hand. (Voice of the Spirit of M. Giant: "Oh, that'll have to come off now.") Hornio opens the clue, and they find the Fast Forward. Yes, the second of the two Fast Forwards, meaning that we are done Fast-Forwarding for the rest of the race. This particular one, as Phil explains, involves going to a harbor and putting on "old-style diving suits" (think underwater Bugs Bunny cartoons) that weigh more than 100 pounds. Now that is heavy. That's probably more than Rebecca's entire body. Then both team members will be lowered to the bottom of the ocean and walk over to a lobster trap, where they'll grab a clue. Rebecca explains, as she jogs behind a frantic El Hornio, that they're going to go for the FF, because it involves diving, and she's "certified." El Hornio points out that he isn't. (Actual voice of M. Giant: "There's a difference between 'certified' and 'certifiable.'") He tells Rebecca he's not thinking this is a great idea, but she, unsurprisingly, chooses not to listen. And why would she, really? If they wanted her to share responsibility, they'd be called "partners" or a "team."
Lori and Bolo, followed by Spazpants, rip the regular clue, telling them to find a marked car. Phil tells us that when they find it, they'll drive themselves 100 miles to Calvi, where they'll find Camp Rafalli and their clue. And what was Camp Rafalli? "A boot camp for the French Foreign Legion." Hey, maybe they'll meet Pepe Le Pew.
Lori and Bolo blow off the FF because...well, they have no choice, but Spazpants wants to make a break for it. The rest of the team fetches their clues and heads for marked cars. Over at the beach, Hornio is the first team to reach the FF, and El Hornio immediately doesn't like the diving suit. Spazpants shows up at the dive location, but when they learn that they're second in line and they'll have to wait for Hornio to go first, they turn back. Boy, that was a brilliantly planned FF. Remember when teams used to compete for the FF when more than one team wanted it? Jesus. Jonathan suggests that maybe Hornio won't be able to do it, but Victoria (figuratively) smacks him back into the reality that it's unlikely Hornio will actually find the task impossible. Or what you would think would be the reality, until you see El Hornio squirming inside the diving suit, saying, "I don't know if I like this." It takes a lot for me to consider calling a guy a chick in a disparaging fashion, but it's hard not to.
Marked-car-hunting teams hunt for their marked cars. They finally find them and run for it. Hayden originally sets out to drive, but when she gets into the car, she finds that she doesn't know how to drive it. Presumably because...stick? Don't know. Maybe she has problems with steering. Or braking. Or not insisting on being the horn. She hops out and makes him drive, even as he protests that it won't work, because that will force her to do the directions, which we've already established she can't. "What about directions?" he asks her. "I'll do it," she says. "No, you...can't," he says. Hee hee. He is also having a hell of a time squeezing into this eensy weensy little car they've stuffed his ass into. Oh, and Spazpants? Still bickering. Before long, it becomes clear that indeed, Hayden cannot figure out where they're going, so she wants Aaron to pull over and let Nuance pass them, so that after that's done, they can follow.
Hornio. "Tell my mom I love her," El Hornio says again as he gets bolted into the diving helmet. Once he's in, the guy explains that there's a valve inside the helmet, and if he pushes on it with his head, he'll be able to expel the air out of the suit, and that will make him drop to the bottom. That may be perfectly true, but it sure sounds like the last thing you hear before you die. The two of them plod in their super-heavy suits, and inch by inch, they get to the water. As soon as Rebecca drops in, the bubbles stream from her helmet, just as they should, and she drops. Adam, however, floats in the water, and he begins to protest that he can't reach the valve with his head. As they try to pull him out, he wails in pain. (Trash, as sympathetic as ever: "This rules.") He tells them that they're hurting his jaw, and they should stop pulling on his head. Poor kitty.
Out on the road, Jonathan is haranguing Victoria about the fact that they didn't get the FF. "Your fault!" he shrieks. I don't care. I seriously just don't care. This is what they do. It's what they do every week. It's an act or it's not, or it kind of is, but what it isn't? Is entertaining. Enough.
The Model (?) Alliance pulls in at a gas station or something to get directions. Kris, in the back seat, firmly but politely says to Jon, "Babe? We need to pull over and ask somebody. We have to." It's surprising to learn that you can communicate that without the yelling. I'm not sure I understand how that's possible. I'm pretty sure the people who give me coffee at Starbucks would never understand what I wanted if I didn't shriek, "I WANT A MOCHA. YOU ARE SO STUPID!" Anyway, they do pull over. Spazpants goes by the Model (?) Alliance at the gas station just as Freddy is commenting that Lori and Bolo are "dumb as a stick in the mud" (huh?), and probably won't figure out where to go. Elsewhere, Lori and Bolo know right where to go. Shut up, Freddy. Kris and Jon nail down some directions as well, but Lori and Bolo and Spazpants are in the lead. Not that the Model (?) Alliance isn't, as Aaron stresses, "in full effect." It's just kind of behind. Not long thereafter, however, the alliance splits, and Hayden and Aaron can't find Nuance anymore. That is a problem, because without them, Hayden can't navigate. She forces Aaron to pull over and let her jump in and drive. Because she can't read a map. She is so useful. She tells us that while she loves Nuance, she feels like she and Aaron have to "do [their] own thing." I'm sure Nuance is real hurt. It's hard when you lose your faithful albatross like that.
Rebecca is making her way across the ocean floor in her giant diving suit. She reaches the lobster trap and shoots a grin at the trap-tending guy as she gets the clue. Up at the top, El Hornio is wailing as they try unsuccessfully to get him situated in the water. Ultimately, as he calls for help, they haul him out of the water and unscrew his helmet. As he lies on the dock, a successful Rebecca is hauled up, flush with the glow of victory. She and El Hornio check in, and he joylessly informs her that he wasn't able to reach the valve with his head, so he didn't go. She tells him it doesn't matter because she got the clue, but El Hornio gets the bad news from one of the task runners that the rules say they can't get the victory unless they both go to the bottom. So he basically has to suck it up, get down there, walk over and touch the lobster trap, and come back up, and then they can go. This makes El Hornio cry. Because, as he says, "she's going to kill [him]." Supportive significant others -- who can live without them, really? Indeed, Rebecca pushes El Hornio to realize that not only does he need to get down there, but he needs to go fast. "Because we have to get out of here," she says. El Hornio whimpers, insisting that he does want to go again. He really does! Don't tell his girlfriend he was scared! Rebecca interviews that "it's all up to him." She is so neat -- wouldn't you love to have her for your girlfriend?
Commercials. I love Cheerios. I really do. So few things remain with you through your childhood right up until you're too old to snack on cereal out of the box but still sometimes do it anyway.
As El Hornio warms up to go back down, Rebecca is still complaining that she's not sure El Hornio is going to do it without "freaking out." She refers to it as a "Slow Forward," which I'm sure is helping El Hornio relax. But this time, up against pressure of having to find a new way to theatrically harm himself, he lowers himself with the valve, and doesn't freak out until he finds that he can't walk. Rebecca gets on the walkie-talkie that goes inside his helmet, and she tells him to hit the valve until his body drops more, and then he can push along with his toes. He pushes. More bubbles. "Now I can do it!" he says happily. Well, goody. El Hornio makes his way along the sandy bottom, touches the lobster trap, and says, "I'm comin', Rebecca!" Rebecca allows that she is proud of El Hornio for, I guess, not dying. I'm sorry; I found that a pitiful and silly display. It's one thing when a person inspirationally conquers a fear; it's another when a girl harangues her boyfriend into figuring out how to bonk his head into a valve. I am not impressed. They get the FF, and it tells them to get on a little plane to Calvi and then drive to the pit stop. "Wow, we're going in a little private Cessna," Rebecca says, not entirely happily. They get a cab to the airport, and when they're getting ready to go, they interview that they weren't too excited about the size of the tiny plane. "Hold my hand," Rebecca says on the plane, because she is needy and has no pride whatsoever, as well as no mercy. "Finally!" El Hornio says. "She's nervous about something that I'm not!" Happy arpeggios play as they take in the beautiful scenery on the flight and El Hornio explains how it felt great knowing they were only in the plane because he went on the dive. Let's all pretend this is a nice story for about thirty seconds, shall we? Yes, I knew you could. Just don't look at them, listen to them, or remember anything they've ever done. As they pass over a big highway, they pretend to look down at all the other teams. "We got the Fast Forward!" Rebecca calls down with a fake thumbs-up. The degree to which she is not funny affirmatively bothers me.
Lori and Bolo and Spazpants are arriving at Camp Rafalli. Both teams open the Detour clue. Pros and cons. Phil explains that the choice here is between Climb Up and Fly Behind. In Climb Up, you use an ascender to get up the side of a cliff, where you receive a medal from a French Foreign Legion guy. Then, you rappel back down. Ascenders, you see, are hard. In Fly Behind, you take a boat out on the water, and one person stays in the boat while another one rides on a raft it's dragging behind it. There are 25 buoys out in the water, but only 12 of them have clues attached. So the in-boat person navigates the boat pilot around, and the raft-rider dives down to check buoys underwater until he finds a clue. If this weren't exactly the ice wall/ice search Detour from seven legs ago, it would be a little more interesting. Jeeeeesus, people. Lori and Bolo decide on the climbing fairly quickly; Spazpants equivocates.
On the climbing wall, Kris and Kendra are working their way up. They get there at almost the same time, but of course, Nuance is now way ahead, because Freddy has already gone, and Jon hasn't. So Nuance is the first team to finish the climb. Freddy tells Kendra she was "awesome." They run over to the terrace and greet the French Foreign Legion guy, who puts medals around their necks. Thousands of actual military heroes begin spinning in their graves, talking in French about devaluation of the currency. Nuance runs over and begins the rappel back down to solid ground.
Lori and Jon are both climbing. He manages to pass her, and Kris and Jon wind up as the second team to finish the climb, though Lori and Bolo are close behind. Freddy, meanwhile, rappels down the wall, and Nuance gets a clue telling them to head to a winery ten miles away in Zilia. They get to their car, and Kendra rereads the clue. Just then, Hayden and Aaron finally arrive and get their clue for the Detour. They choose to climb.
Kris and Jon collect their medals and head out, and then Lori and Bolo do the same. Aaron, meanwhile, makes his way up the climbing wall. Hayden, however, struggles. I know you are shocked. She actually may be less useful than Flo. Until the last couple of legs when she got really horrible, Flo at least was contributing. And she was mistreating a friend, not someone who was supposed to be her boyfriend. Not that mistreating your friends is all right, but...never mind. They're both horrid.
Spazpants Boat of Misery. Finally, Victoria spots a buoy, but when Jonathan turns it around, it says, "Try Again." When Victoria doesn't understand exactly what he's telling her, he screeches that she's a "moron." What fun this is, and what great and interesting character development. Victoria screams that they're going to lose, he floats around in the water, and a brief glimmer of hope fills the living rooms of America that the season might be salvageable if these people are removed right this minute.
Commercials. Do happy cows really make better cheese? That would be interesting, if it were true. I kind of think it probably isn't.
Spazpants. Victoria yells at Jonathan that "this was a total loser of a Detour." Well...yeah. It would seem. Unfortunately for all of us, when they head for another buoy and Jonathan turns that one over, it has a clue attached. So they're done. And not in the good way. They review the Zilia clue.
On the wall, people are still rappelling down the wall as Jonathan and Victoria return in their boat. So when Jonathan sees this, he knows that he and Victoria are still in the race, and the machinations of Satan are continuing unabated. Kris and Jon rappel, then Lori and Bolo, and those teams are away. Hayden, however, struggles with the rappel, immediately conking herself into the side of the wall. "Aaron," she whimpers. Not at all something I found funny. Just not at all. Especially the part where her ass conked into the bricks. Reeeeally sad. I didn't laugh. Well, I didn't mean to laugh.