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The race moves to Sri Lanka, where Hornio falls badly behind after a missed train, but that totally doesn't matter. Kris and Jon kick ass on a Detour and zoom into the lead not once but twice during the leg, but that totally doesn't matter, either. People get lost, people screw up, people run fast or they don't, they duck into the bathroom every five minutes or they don't, and absolutely none of it makes a whit of difference, because as always, there's an absurdly extravagant bunching right before the very last task, so the entire elimination comes down to how you play the Roadblock and the run to the pit stop. Adam and Rebecca get away with racing poorly throughout the entire episode, because Lori and Bolo are the slowest of several teams to misread the final clue, so that's it for them. It's not like they don't earn their elimination, but seeing the entire leg rendered irrelevant 45 minutes into the episode week after week after week is getting seriously old. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
This week's show opens on a black screen, where plain white text informs you that the episode you are about to see was filmed in Sri Lanka before the December 26 tsunami. And there's not much to say about that except that making the world a little smaller and more familiar is always a good thing, even when it's a sad thing.
Previously on I Think You Have No Dignity, And My Comical Undies Agree: Teams scooted out of Corsica and moved it on over to Ethiopia. El Hornio attempted to assert himself in the airport, but he and Rebecca continued to have painful, weepy fights of the sort most commonly associated with seventh grade, friendship bracelets, and slumber parties to which someone is meaningfully Not Invited. Kendra called Jonathan an asshole, which was awesome, and of which I feel obligated to remind you, even though they unforgivably leave it out of the previouslys. Hornio stupidly Yielded Nuance instead of Spazpants, for apparently no reason other than the apparent faith that if Jonathan asks you to do it, it must be a good idea, a principle most famously and unfortunately followed in the case of a certain marriage proposal. Fortunately, said Yield wasn't enough to save America's Least Favorite Screaming Botox Hounds, particularly after they showed up at a route marker one donkey short of the necessary and appropriate donkey allotment. When they were thrown out, Phil tried not to do that thing where you jump up in the air and click your heels together, but confined his excitement to his facial muscles, which almost buckled under the strain of not laughing. Five teams left. "Who will be eliminated...?"
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, when Meredith and Maria bump hips, one of them takes the form of an ice bridge, and the other one takes the shape of a coyote. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Was the world really clamoring for Mulan II? Won't that kind of be in the sad part of the E! True Hollywood Story about the Disney animation studios?
We return to Ethiopia, where a couple of folks are, among other things, demonstrating how you can carry giant bundles of brush without falling over. More than I can do. Phil informs us that Ethiopia is "the oldest independent nation in Africa." Which I totally didn't know, so, cool. Every time I learn a new fact on this show, it makes for up for five minutes of my life I've spent watching World's Wildest Police Videos. ["It does? Awesome. Er, not that I watch WWPV every time it's on or anything. Because I definitely don't. Do that. [cough]" -- Sars] Specifically, we are in Lalibela, which should totally be the name of my all-girl band, but in fact was the eighth pit stop. There is a small amount of E/S/M footage this time, as Freddy and Kendra toast (natch) themselves, and we get a decent shot of a visorless Jon, which shows that when he combs his hair, the boy cleans up nicely indeed. Not like I am surprised. Phil wonders whether Jon and Kris will start fighting and throwing food at each other and shit, proving that it's all been an illusion (oh, probably), and whether Hornio will be able to drag their sorry asses out of last place, or will continue to fight. Remarkably, during the E/S/M footage, you can see El Hornio without the El Horns. It's like seeing Zsa Zsa without makeup.
1:16 AM. Hayden and Aaron. Or Ayden and Harron, or Hayhead and Airedale, or whatever. They rip the clue, which tells them to hop a charter flight to Addis Ababa. Phil explains that after a 14-mile ride to Lalibela airport, they'll sign up for one of two charter flights that leave a half-hour apart. They'll fly to the capital of Ethopia and find a stadium where their clue is located. As they head out, Aaron explains that he and Hayden have put all of their crap on the back burner, and it worked last week, because they "went from worst to first." True, that. Also, the odds that I'm going to track them (by which I mean "them") down and strangle them (by which I mean "her") have decreased substantially. They leave for the airport.
1:31 AM. Lori and Bolo. Predictably, Bolo reads the destination city as "Adidas Ababa," which is obviously not merely the capital of Ethiopia, but is the sneaker capital of Ethiopia. Bolo talks as they leave the mat about how they'll be fine if they make sure they stop and read their clues correctly and make sure they understand all the information before they act. Sigh. It's like hearing a chef talking about the importance of good ingredients and seeing out of the corner of your eye that his assistant is buying repossessed fish out of the back of a truck. They, too, leave for the airport.
1:48 AM. Kris and Jon. They take out the typically palindromic $171 cash allotment. Jon says that "you can't be too comfortable" when it gets down to five teams. I'll buy that, and it's about as stressed out as they ever get, so make your gasping noises now.
First to the airport are Aaron and Hayden, who head for the charter counter and sign in for the earlier flight. Lori and Bolo get there and sign in just behind. When Kris and Jon arrive, they land seats as the last team on the first charter. I always want somebody to show up and ask whether it's possible to get the kosher meal.
2:13 AM. Freddy and Kendra. Freddy reminds us that he and Kendra were Yield victims in the last leg, and that Hornio was responsible. He claims that this gives them "an extra sense of drive to get ahead of everyone today." He has to say this, because he can't say it gives them any incentive to get back at Hornio, because all the Yields are gone, so there's nothing left to do to them. Except, of course, leave them to devour each other with the sheer force of their mutual hatred and lack of understanding, which just might work.
2:30 AM. Hornio. Rebecca voices over, to no one's surprise, that she thinks Adam's "neurosis" is affecting their team in the sense that she doesn't trust him to do a good job with the racing. She claims that she wants him to "believe in himself," which she is, of course, doing all she can to promote. Don't believe what you read in all those self-help books. The real way to help someone believe in himself can be expressed in two simple words: "Wussy. Boy."
As Nuance arrives at the airport, we learn that Kendra needs a bathroom in which to throw up. She remarks that "the Ethiopian food made [her] sick." They sign in first for the second charter flight, and Hornio is right behind. El Hornio comments that being behind doesn't feel as good as being in front. He's a sharp one, that boy. It does kind of make you wonder if the continent of Africa is getting back at Kendra. "Breed this," says the bacterial soup kicking around in her stomach.
And in the bathroom, the stalls are alive with the sounds of puking. Yes, the "last call; you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" call has gone out from Kendra's insides. Freddy tells us, in case we hadn't noticed, that indeed, she had a little trouble with "the local cuisine." As he hovers over her in some kind of Vomit-Shielding Poncho, she voices over that she's hoping her intestinal non-fortitude won't get in the way of their performance. And as you know, it won't affect the outcome unless she's still sick ten minutes before the end of the leg.
The first charter flight leaves, carrying Hayden and Aaron, Kris and Jon, and Lori and Bolo. A half-hour later, the second charter leaves, with wussy-girl Rebecca chanting, "I hate these planes, I hate these planes," and so forth. I just want to help her believe in herself, you understand.
Addis Ababa is the home of cars! And runners! And here comes the first charter, and then there goes Bolo, running out of the airport on his little wrestler's legs. He kind of seems like a Fisher-Price person to me, like somewhere, there's a plastic My First Wrestling Set into which he would fit perfectly. But just behind Fisher-Price Bolo is...well, everybody else. Everyone gets taxis to the stadium. Hayden notes with approval that she and Aaron got away from the airport ahead of Kris and Jon. But as Hayden notes, "apparently, [the driver] doesn't know what 'drive fast' means," because she and Aaron are quickly passed by Kris and Jon. I'm not sure he doesn't know what it means. He just also may know what a screaming mimi is.
At the stadium, Lori and Bolo ("Currently in 1st Place") run to the clue box. The clue tells them to "choose a pair of Ethiopian runners and, working as a team, complete a four-man relay to receive your clue." As Phil explains, Ethiopia is famous for track stars, so they'll be running a 4x400 relay to get the clue. And while they let you pick your own Ethiopians to run with you, it's clear that the limiting factor here will be the racers, not their teammates. Lori and Bolo get started, and as they wait for the first handoff, Bolo tells the guy standing with him that he'll be running like the police are after him, because he's "used to it." Man, I knew there would come a day when a criminal record would come in handy. I'm not a bad prospect for a contestant; I've just been ahead of my time.
Kris and Jon appear to go at the stadium the wrong way, and Hayden and Aaron wind up getting to the clue box in second place. Inside on the track, Lori comments that she needs to pee. She should apply that sense of urgency to the running, is what I think. As Hayden and Aaron come to the track, Hayden comments that this is her event, because she ran track in college, and she even ran this event. It's so rare that she says anything that makes any damn sense that I'm almost not prepared. It's like I have to reboot. Anyway, Kris and Jon reach the clue box , and head for the track. Lori finishes her leg and hands off to the second local runner, who soon hands off to Bolo, who is...not a runner, evidently. Hayden and Aaron's first local takes off, and then Kris and Jon's. Lori cheers for Bolo as Hayden and Aaron's local sneaks up on him Bolo interviews, with help from Lori, that he was indeed a little overmatched by the track stars, and was running out of steam by the time he got all the way around the track. They finish, though, and get their clue. Hayden and Kris leave near the same time, but Hayden is faster. Because she ran track! In college! I remember! Also she weighs six pounds and has stick legs. As Kris finally hands off to her second local, Lori and Bolo are opening the clue. It tells them to fly to Colombo, Sri Lanka. Phil explains that this is a jaunt of more than 3600 miles. When they land, they'll take a train 80 miles to Galle, where they'll take a tuk-tuk to a fort to get a clue. Lori and Bolo leave for the airport, as Bolo complains that he "ain't no track star."
"Go, baby," says Hayden as Aaron begins their last leg. "Go, baby, go!" calls Kris as Jon begins their last leg. "Good job, baby," Hayden says. I sense a theme. And then Aaron is done, and he and Hayden are leaving, and Aaron is congratulating himself for "smoking" Jon just as Hayden "smoked" Kris. Yeah. Enjoy it while you can, dude. At the end of the day, man, you're still going home with her. Kris is all, "Nice work, baby, nice work," as the smoked Jon finishes and they get their clue. I'm not sure they were all that badly smoked. In the cab, Kris observes with a grin, "It's been a long time since we ran on a track." See, she's practically smoke-proof, because she doesn't care. Unlike, say, Hayden.
And here comes the trailing charter flight. Hornio runs out and gets a cab, while Nuance stays inside long enough for Kendra to hit the potty again. Poor thing. That really does feel so bad. They get going eventually, as Kendra laments her constant need for "restroom stops." Delicately said, like the flower she is.
Oh, and at the airport, Lori gives Bolo a "let's go, baby" on the way inside, so she might want to back off the interviewing she's been doing about how contemptuous she is of all the other couples calling each other "baby." Let she who has never addressed her partner as an infant cast the first stone, after all. They head inside, and Bolo asks for tickets to, as near as I can figure, "Sarika Lanka." Everyone play with Bolo! It's fun to add letters! The ticket guy tells them that they'll need to get on a 2:30 flight through Dubai, and that will arrive in Sri Lanka the following morning. That's the only way there, so they book it.
Hornio works on the relay.
Hayden is looking anxiously out the back window of the cab, urging her driver to go "fast, fast." But he doesn't do "fast, fast," so again, they're passed by Kris and Jon, and wind up asking their driver to at least follow the pretty blondes and not lose them. Hayden voices over, in what I am predicting is a portentous comment regarding the very end of the race, that Kris and Jon are tough competition and seem to always get out in front of her and Aaron. Aaron adds that they'd "like to see Kris and Jon gone." Right now, though, Kris and Jon are "gone" only in the "Hayden and Aaron are sucking their exhaust" sense. And nothing could make me happier, speaking solely for myself. (Did you know that in early seasons, I used to feel obligated not to root openly for anyone? It's true. I know!)
Freddy the Poncho Man is reading, with Kendra, the relay clue. Kendra gamely puts on the pinney representing her team, even though she says -- understandably -- that running isn't exactly what she and her sick tummy feel like doing right now. Nuance's first local and Hornio's second one finish at the same time, so Rebecca starts her team's last leg when Kendra is starting her team's second. Rebecca, being clearly a pretty good athlete as well as the one of these two girls who's not currently battling waves of nausea, takes off like a shot as Kendra gamely hobbles around the track. Kendra explains that this made her stomach tie into knots, and put her in some significant pain. I have to say, I understand. I'm currently battling hangover-related nausea, and if I had to go out and run a relay race right now, I might very well kick the bucket completely. Kendra comments that she "ran like an 80-year-old woman," and yes, those are contemptuous snorts you hear from your local senior center. Hornio finishes the race, and then Kendra finally finishes her lap. In the cab, Rebecca calls for "backup oxygen." I'm tempted to help her believe in herself some more, but I'll let it go this time.
Kris and Jon are at the airport, where they head inside and book on Ethiopian Airlines.
Back at the track, Freddy finishes the race. "Great job, tiger," Kendra says. No, I'm just kidding. She says "baby," of course. They read the clue and jump in their cab, begging for a quick ride to the airport. Where, meanwhile, Aaron and Hayden are booking their tickets to Sri Lanka. And in fact, the guy is telling them that this is the only flight that's available. So the implication is that the trailing teams had better shake a tail feather, as Nuance is trying to do in its cab by harassing its driver. Unfortunately, Freddy is currently quite certain they're being taken in the wrong direction. Uh-oh. He therefore makes the driver turn around. Hornio, on the other hand, snags tickets on that 2:30 PM flight. We see Nuance arrive at the airport, but Freddy is bickering fairly good-naturedly with the driver over the fare. He makes the comment, "I'll give you five, you give me ten," which caused a lot of head-scratching among the EEFPs, but it makes sense -- it's what you'd say if you only had a twenty and a five and you wanted to pay the guy fifteen, for instance. You'd hold out your twenty and say, "I'm not giving you twenty, but I'll give you five more, and then you give me ten back." It's not a scam, I don't think. The driver tries to argue that it's not enough, but Freddy is unfazed and chuckles that the guy is doing fine. They head inside, apparently unaware of the tight schedule they face -- or that's what we're being led to believe, anyway. Certainly is a lot of damn lollygagging going on. When they get to the counter, the flight is boarding, but after yet another rattlesnake noise, we learn that indeed, they are getting on the flight. So, thus far, that's one bunch at the charter flights and one bunch at the airport, and we're fifteen minutes into the episode. "This is a whole new race for us," Freddy comments. Well, you do get about three new ones a day this season.
Everyone flies to Sri Lanka together via Dubai. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll need to grab a train to Galle. We watch the flight land, and then everyone is running through the airport. They all hop into taxis, as Rebecca tries to find a guy who knows the train station by using the time-honored "choo-choo!" war cry. In their cab, Hayden and Aaron are marveling at the crazy driving of their guy, who's taking them down the wrong side of the road while other cars whiz by and practically smash right into them. Lori and Bolo pass them. And guess what? In her cab, our Kendra is all unhappy about the fumes and the gross and the ick. This is so not like the monorail at Epcot. But -- guess what Kris has to say. No, really, guess. Okay, here it is: "It's absolutely gorgeous here. There are elephants in the street." And so there are. Oh, sure, she probably didn't really find everything beautiful all the time, but yes, you should be able to stop and appreciate elephants in the street. In an interview, she says it was "actually really cool." And you can tell she means it, too, from the smile.
Hornio finally gets a cab to the train station, but they're now lagging behind.
First to the train station are Lori and Bolo, and then Nuance and Hayden and Aaron. Hornio harasses its driver to go faster. The lead three teams cram themselves onto a crowded train. Hayden is unhappy about having nowhere to sit. Well, judging by past seasons, she should be happy she has a place to stash a boob that isn't already occupied by somebody's paw. Freddy calls it "the ugliest train [he's] ever been on." And if you didn't come prepared for that, you could not be more on the wrong show. Oh, and you will be surprised to hear that Kendra's reaction to the inside of the train is, "Oh, my God." Like many things, this train makes Kendra want to throw up. And find the embassy immediately to file a protest. Kris and Jon make this same train with little time to spare. "This is going to be...interesting," he chuckles as they board. But when Hornio shows up, they learn that their train leaves at 9:00. And what time is it now? Oh, it's 7:30. Because the other train is leaving, and they -- and only they -- are not so much on it. Rebecca quizzes a guy at the train station and learns that all the other teams were in the train station, but...they're not anymore. I love the guy a little bit for the way he says, "They went away! With backpacks and everything! They went away." Hee hee. Indeed. As El Hornio and Rebecca wait around, though, he begins to lose his temper. "They all left, but us!" he snaps. "Why are you yelling at me?" she says with exhaustion, which I understand, but...I just can never feel sorry for her, and I'm not sure why. ["Because she's totally that popular girl who would chat you up out of nowhere one day, invite you over to her house, say she liked your Pumas, and then go, 'Psych!' and walk off laughing." -- Sars] "We just lost the whole game," says El Hornio, throwing down his backpack. Oh, El Hornio. You could never lose the game based on something that happened before the first commercial. You haven't yet hit the task that says, "Hours of operation: Wednesdays, 9:00 AM to 9:15 AM."
Commercials. Nothing like fooling your children into doing menial labor.
When we return to the train station, El Hornio is still pacing. "How did we miss it when we were right behind them all?" he demands to know, apparently a little unclear on what "behind them all" means. "What would you like me to do?" she wonders. He says he doesn't know, but he wants to figure something out, rather than sitting for an hour and a half. I'm not sure what's to be done about a lack of train, but perhaps he can think of something. Maybe he can build one. And hire a conductor, and get it running. But they get outside the train station, and El Hornio has a new plan. He wants to go back to the airport and leave. Quit. Get out. Finally, Rebecca makes one of her first good decisions in dealing with him in quite some time, and says, "Okay, let's get a cab." So she heads out to hail a cab, and you can see him being like, "Um." Because that's not what she was supposed to do at all. But she yells, "Taxi!" And she starts to explain what they're doing to the cab driver -- they're going to the airport, because El Hornio wants to quit. El Hornio tries to turn it around on her, asking her whether she wants to sit around and wait for the train instead, but she doesn't blink, she just sarcastically claps about how no, she doesn't want to, they should quit! Let's just quit! What they don't show -- and again, here, the Insider is totally worth it -- is that Rebecca actually went through, like, a ten-minute routine about how she was going to, as El Hornio apparently wanted, run around looking for their cab driver so that they could yell at him for making them late. It was really rather funny, and while it's not an approach I would recommend for day-to-day conflict resolution with your beloved, he's gotten so freaked out by this point that there's little else she could have done. But anyway, they just cut directly here to El Hornio snapping at her not to talk to him anymore, and her being like, "Yeah, that's not too tough." Hee. I loved her in that scene, even though most of the time, she bugs.
The front four teams de-train at Galle. They go to find tuk-tuks. Lori and Bolo are the first into one. Then Nuance, then Kris and Jon, and then Hayden and Aaron. Everyone cheers their respective tuk-tuk drivers. Aaron comments that he wouldn't mind having one of these to drive around in at home. But I'm thinking he'd want one that doesn't come with the girl in it. At least not this girl. Some very fast and reckless tuk-tukking follows. The teams come screeching up to the clue box, and they all run for it. Lori and Bolo get there first, and they pull the clue, which is a Detour. The choices are Tree Trunks or Elephant Trunks. As Phil explains, Tree Trunks involves a two-mile trip to a coconut plantation where each person will basically climb a tree and complete a ropes course. Elephant Trunks requires you to travel about as far to an elephant polo field, where each person will have to ride an elephant and dribble with a polo mallet and then score a goal.
Lori and Bolo pick the trees, Nuance picks the elephants, Kris and Jon take the trees, Hayden and Aaron take the trees.
On the Hornio Train of Misery that has finally departed, Rebecca is telling El Hornio that they're an hour behind, so if there's an elimination, they'll clearly be sent packing. Great attitude. Another painful scene follows between the two of them in which she's hot and sweaty and tired, and she wants him to back off, and he doesn't want to, and it's got her near tears, and he just doesn't understand that she literally wants physical distance at this particular moment, and the last thing she wants is him in her face. And he's trying to hug her, which is so, so wrong. These people are horrible at reading each other, which is really strange, for a couple that's known each other a while. I would be better at fighting with either of them than they are at fighting with each other.
But at the coconut plantation, Lori and Bolo are heading up the tree, as Lori interviews that they knew they'd want to do this, because they climbed trees when they were little. I thought it was going to be because they're related to trees, but they don't go in that direction. I'm telling you, they should have. Anyway, the thing you know, Lori is scampering up the tree.
Elsewhere, Nuance is pretty cheery as they get on the elephant, with Freddy explaining that it might have been their only shot at riding an elephant, so they thought they'd "go have some fun." I also suspect that Kendra's stomach was in no shape for death-defying stunt work, considering that it was barely in shape for a cab ride in which she couldn't hang her head out the window the entire time. Freddy rides the elephant first, and what does Kendra call out to him? "Go, baby." Sigh. What I wouldn't give for one good "doll."
"Got to get up there, girl!" Bolo shouts to Lori as she finishes the tree-climbing. As she heads out onto the rope, Kris and Jon arrive. Hayden and Aaron show up . She explains that she's "terrified of heights," which you might think would have made her rethink doing this Detour option, but...okay. Bolo is ordering Lori to "walk, walk, walk" as Hayden is just starting out, as is Jon. All the various partners cheer as people make their way up into the trees and, in Lori's case, across the rope. Jon is the king of the ropes course, and skitters across with no problem, then heads back down. Bolo continues to try to coach a struggling Lori. But she's not struggling as much as Hayden, who finds her bony self all akimbo out on the ropes and has no idea what to do. She's all screaming and teetering, and it's...well, it's just, um, not funny at all, is what it isn't. No, really -- I was coughing.
Freddy laughs happily as he rides his elephant. "It's a lot better than climbing a tree," he says.
Jon finishes the tree and Kris takes over. "My girl's rockin' it," he says. But Hayden, on the other hand, remains terrified, and seems to have no idea how to move without falling. I think for one thing, she's now shaking so hard that she's kind of screwing herself. She's the height of efficiency -- she's self-sabotaging! Elsewhere, Lori's arms and legs are so tired that she lowers herself until she's sitting on the rope, and then she slides across on her behind, which I would think cannot be the easiest way, but I guess whatever works is whatever works. Kris, however, rocks indeed, and she and Jon are the first by a good margin to finish the Detour. Bolo interviews that Kris and Jon are the strongest competition for him and Lori in the race. And they're off!
Kris and Jon's fresh clue tells them to travel to the city of Kandy by bus, which Phil tells us will be about a 70-mile trip. There, they'll go to the art association, buy an offering, and take it to the Temple of the Tooth (hee) to present it to a monk.
Hayden continues to spaghetti-leg the ropes course. She interviews that she was afraid she'd fall, or her support rope would break. "I don't know if I can do this!" she screams. Well, this is suspenseful. Maybe she'll quit. Yeah, probably.
Commercials. I still kind of like Susan Sarandon, even though she's crazy and self-important and thinks that the Academy Awards is a dinner party at her house where everyone wants to hear her wax rhapsodic about her political epiphanies.
When we return, Hayden is screeching. Still. She has reached the other side, though, so she's retrieved the jug thing that they have to get, and only has to get back and get down. I'm sure Aaron is looking forward to it, if only so she can shut up. Because she's still whimpering. Lori, on the other hand, is just about done, so Bolo is heading up the tree. Lori cheers for him. When Hayden finally lands, still all sniffly, Aaron comforts her for about four tenths of a second, and then he heads up the tree. Yes, she has now literally driven him up a tree, so that's got to be some kind of benchmark for excellent translation of subtext to text. As he goes, Hayden snorfles her way through an interview about how scared she was, and whaaaaatever. It's a tree, dear.
Oom-pah-pah music that seems a bit German for Sri Lanka plays as Freddy rides his elephant and smacks the polo ball for a goal. Maybe the elephant is German. He and Kendra laugh and kiss. And it doesn't matter how fast you do stuff in the middle of the leg, so they're understandably in no hurry. She climbs up on the elephant and waves her arm triumphantly.
As Hornio rides the train into Galle, Rebecca voices over that she wants to win, so if she has to so "sucking it up and being his girlfriend," then she'll do that. We watch them share a small smooch. Ew. That was gross. If she's jerking him around for the money, that's not cool, and I don't feel sorry for her. Mixed Messages: They're A Bad Thing. Anyone who has studied reinforcement in monkeys could tell you that. El Hornio interviews in the train station that he isn't giving up, and neither will Rebecca, even though they're behind. They hop in a tuk-tuk.
At the bus station in Galle, Kris and Jon are looking for a bus to Kandy. They go and wait in line.
Back at the Detour, Bolo is making his way across the ropes. Lori, unsurprisingly, disapproves of his technique. Hayden, on the other hand, yells nothing but approval for her baby. By the time the guys both get down, Lori and Bolo are just a hair ahead of Hayden and Aaron. Tuk-tuks ahoy! And Lori and Bolo, by the way, are fighting in the tuk-tuk, because that's what they do. In tuk-tuks, in buses, in onesies in public...that's what they do.
Kendra enjoys her elephant. She interviews that she really enjoyed the friendly, kind elephant, and felt much better. "You're the master of pachyderms," Freddy tells her. After we check in quickly with Hornio at the Detour clue, we return just in time to see Kendra score her much-needed goal. Goooooal! They receive their clue for Kandy, and they take off. Maybe it's just relative to other people, but she bugged me less than usual this week.
At the bus station, Kris interviews about the frustration of working so hard to get out in front, and then having the other teams catch up, as Lori and Bolo and Hayden and Aaron are doing right now. Normally, I'd say, "Welcome to bunching, dear," but it's true that it didn't used to happen, like, six times every leg. It just seems like this year, there's a determination that every single leg will come down to a footrace to the mat, and that used to be the exception, not the rule. As they all get on the Kandy bus, Hayden talks about how the public transportation everywhere else will really make you appreciate the public transportation in your United States hometown. In fact, she says it's a "reality check." One can dream.
As Hornio reaches the coconut plantation, El Hornio spots the trees and says there's no way he'll be able to climb up there. But Rebecca just runs over to the tree and starts up, because if they stand around and argue about it, he won't go. Oh, and El Hornio tells her she "look[s] cute up there." Like a "little monkey." Ew, love and primate references are always a bad fit, in my opinion. Rebecca skitters across the ropes, picks up the jug, and heads back. "Nothing to it!" she calls out, hoping it will make El Hornio brave. He tells the camera that Rebecca is "the superstar," and he's going to just "try not to cry." Sigh. As she comes down, Rebecca gives him a bunch of rope-scampering pointers. And then she tells him he'll be awesome (because she wants the money), gives him a kiss (because she wants the money), and sends him off (because she wants him to go away -- accidental sincerity!). He begins to climb.
At the bus station, Nuance hops the second bus to Kandy, after learning that other teams did in fact leave ahead of them.
Adam does the ropes. They finish the Detour and get the Kandy clue. And the thing you know, they're at the bus station taking the third bus. "Today's been a rough day," Rebecca tells the camera. "I'm assuming we're done with the game," she says, keeping that positive attitude.
Kandy. Kris and Jon, Lori and Bolo, and Hayden and Aaron get off their bus. When they reach the art association, though, they learn that...it's closed. It's closed at 4:00 in the afternoon, and it's not open again until 8:30 in the morning. So that's a sixteen-and-a-half-hour opportunity to catch up. You can ask yourself how you could possibly have biffed this leg badly enough not to wind up in a tie with everyone else at this point, but I can't think of a way. Meaning that the entire leg up to this point not only turned out to be meaningless, as is often the case with airports and such, but could only have been meaningless, by design. So bus number two brings Freddy and Kendra, and they see the sign, and are sad. But bus number three brings Hornio and they, of course, are excited. Rebecca explains that she was hoping it would turn out this way, that nothing in the entire first three-quarters of the leg had any significance whatsoever. "I'm feelin' strong!" she says to the camera. I am not feeling strong, on the other hand, except for my strong sense of justice being offended by this travesty. Okay, not really, but if any of those emotions were appropriate to the situation, I'd be experiencing them.
Morning. Phil explains that the teams are all tied again, waiting outside the art association building, and when it opens, they'll have to buy a bowl of rice and take it across the street to a waiting monk. At, you'll recall, the Temple of the Tooth. We now watch as the gate is opened, the teams go inside and purchase their bowls, and they all go in a clump across to the monk. As each team offers its bowl of rice to the monk, he chants and ties strings around their wrists. The sort of thing that Millie would have assumed was voodoo. Lori and Bolo are the first to get their clue, which tells them to take a bus to Dambulla, where Phil explains they will then take a tuk-tuk to Lion Rock, a "dominating granite peak." One at a time, teams get their monk clue and get tuk-tuks to the bus station. As Kris and Jon offer their bowl (now in last place), Jon voices over that they're both religious, and they "respect and cherish the blessing from the monk." Wait, even though it's not their religion, they still think it's legitimately spiritual? That's crazy talk. Everyone knows people in other countries practice scary non-religions. Hmph. Anyway, they patiently enjoy the blessing and then get their clue. They manage to get out and get a tuk-tuk before Hayden and Aaron, so Miss Hayden is doing her stomp-and-pout routine again, complaining about how Kris and Jon are constantly getting the better of them. "Hayden, I'm sick of your bitching. Quiet," he says. Man, me too. I knew he and I were simpatico. They get out eventually, however.
So guess what? Everybody's on the same bus to Dambulla. When they get there, they all find their way into tuk-tuks, and Kris and Jon are out in front again. Tuk-tuk race! Hornio notes with unhappiness that they're being passed, and then their guy pulls in to gas up the vehicle, and they try berating him, but apparently, he doesn't think the thing can run on fumes indefinitely. Too bad.
Commercials. I like soup, but even I don't really want to be approached with a stop sign when I'm busy.
When we return, Rebecca is yelling at their tuk-tuk driver about how it's a race and they have to go fast. Yeah, fast! He finishes gassing up and hops back in the cab.
First to Lion Rock are Kris and Jon, and they grab some tickets, apparently required for admittance to some of the areas of the rock. They run up and tear open the clue, which is a Roadblock. "Who's got strong legs and keen eyes?" it asks. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, one person has to climb more than a thousand steps to the top of the rock. Now, just to give you an idea of how far that is, Phil said in his diary that he bet another guy that he could get up there faster, and the time he was trying to beat was eleven minutes. So this is no quick run up a set of stairs -- this is a hike. Phil explains that then, the Roadblocker will use binoculars to look around the rock at the jungle until he spots the distinctive flag, which happens to be on the ground to a swimming pool nearby. Run down, grab your partner, head for the flag, and swim the length of the pool to land at the pit stop. Last team in "may be eliminated."
"Baby, you've gotta do it," Kris says. He notes that he needs his ticket, so she gives it to him. He gets a smooch, and then he starts up the rock.
Other teams, meanwhile, seem to be a little lost, but they find their way to the Rock eventually, and they get tickets. Pay close attention to the word "ticket" showing up about a thousand times. Because when Jon gets near the top, he is asked for his ticket, shows it, and heads up. Lori takes the Roadblock for her team, and Bolo gives her a lot of "go, baby, go baby" as she runs off. Aaron, Freddy, and El Hornio take the Roadblock for their respective teams. Aaron and El Hornio both note -- in Aaron's case, rather at the last minute -- that they're supposed to take their admission tickets to the top with them.
Jon voices over as he gets to the very top that when he gets to a Roadblock, he just applies himself to it as fully as he can. He picks up a set of binoculars and looks around. Lori, meanwhile, is on the run, as is everyone else. But somehow, Freddy has figured out that he's supposed to have a ticket with him, so he's returning to the bottom, where he fetches the ticket from Kendra. As Kendra explains to the other waiting partners what that was all about, Bolo realizes that he has Lori's ticket. Uh-oh. "Is that Lori's?" Kendra asks. "Lori's and yours?" As Bolo begins to clench up, Kris says to him, "It always comes down to details." And you can read that as bitchy or smug, but I didn't. I think she knows and likes Lori and Bolo (I didn't mention it, but she was hugging Lori in last week's episode at the Rome airport), and I think she was doing more of a "Hey, everybody's done the same thing at one point or another." Which isn't to say it wasn't potentially ill-advised, because it probably was. It's also great how Bolo waits a perfect beat before nearly growling, "Mm-hmm."
Up at the top, El Hornio gets to the ticket guy to find that Lori is already there, and she's trying to negotiate. Because she doesn't have her ticket, so she's just begging for help. She claims that she dropped it, claims that she'll bring it back up after she goes, claims that she's desperate. El Hornio passes her. Aaron passes her. Nothing doing.
Jon, however, is right on, and he spots the flag on the ground. Meanwhile, Rebecca and Kris look on as Lori reaches the bottom and starts screaming at Bolo. "Bring me the freakin' ticket!" she hollers. That is some yell that woman has on her, I'll say that. "Come on, Lori, run!" Bolo says unwisely. She's decided that it's his fault that she didn't take the ticket, though, so she's hollering at him the whole time. "I'm sorry," he says. "We didn't read it." "I sit there and freakin' told ya to read the additional information, didn't I?" she barks as she takes the ticket from him. Kris and Rebecca, looking like they're reacting to something a little nastier than that, cover their mouths and look away. "We're in freakin' last now!" Lori bellows as she starts back up the steps. Bolo closes his eyes in frustration.
Freddy continues up the rock. Aaron, at the top, seems to spot the flag without even using the binoculars, and just wonders how to get there. El Hornio searches all around, but doesn't immediately see it.
At the bottom, Kris goes over to a miserable-looking Bolo and puts her hands on his shoulders. "Positive thoughts," she says. "She's going to be fine." Jon then appears, and he and Kris are the first to run off. "You rock. You rock, you rock," she says. They hop in a tuk-tuk, and Jon directs the driver.
Freddy is ready for the binoculars now. He and El Hornio both look, and they both see it. They head down.
Kris and Jon are at the pit stop. They run toward the pool. They hop in. They swim across. They land on the mat. Welcome, Kris and Jon, you are team number one, and you sure are good-looking. Phil grants them a vacation to "romantic Europe." They look happy, to no one's surprise. They love romantic Europe! They also would have loved Cleveland! Wheeling is pretty, too!
Lori sees the clue, and she gets to go back down at last.
Speaking of down, Aaron returns to Hayden. They leave in second place. My favorite part is where Aaron draws a map for the driver that basically has a rectangle with an arrow on it, which I can't imagine means anything, but there you go. up, El Hornio and Freddy return to their women at the same moment, so those teams take off together. Well, mostly. Because Freddy passes El Hornio right near the bottom, which has little meaning but to give Freddy the opportunity to scoff to Kendra as they leave, "That [El Hornio's] such a nancy boy." I'm sorry, "nancy boy"? I don't think I appreciate that. And I will agree here with the lovely LTG, who said, "It's not like he's so butch, with his glasses."
Anyway, Hornio takes off, just behind Nuance, while Bolo waits. In one of the wittiest edits now or ever -- an element sadly missing this season, for the most part -- we watch Bolo scratch himself absently as he waits for Lori, and then we cut directly to...a monkey, also scratching himself absently. God, that was so awesome I almost felt transported to happier seasons. Lori finally returns, and although Bolo is telling her to keep her chin up in case it's a non-elimination, he acknowledges, "I know we're mad." And by "we," he means "you." And by "mad," he means "insanely vengeful." They get a tuk-tuk and head out.
Hayden and Aaron find the spot, but so does Nuance. Both teams head toward the pool. They start to run past the pool to Phil, but he calls out a warning that they have to swim the pool first. Hornio actually goes so far as to run right onto the mat, but Phil brushes them off, so they run to the other end of the pool as well. Here's the order: Hayden appears out of nowhere and jumps into the pool. Freddy jumps in. Aaron jumps in. Kendra jumps in. El Hornio and Rebecca jump in. Freddy is the first to get to the end of the pool, but he has to wait for Kendra, and Hayden and Aaron are right behind him, so they're the first of these three bunched-up teams to actually get onto the mat. Freddy absolutely drags Kendra up and out of the pool as Hayden and Aaron are told that they're team number two. in are Freddy and Kendra, team number three. And then finally Adam and Rebecca, as team number four. Man. That was like a water-bound four-car pileup. Only instead of cars, with bikes. Or actually, trikes.
Some time later, here comes the tuk-tuk carrying Lori and Bolo. They do a very impressive leap into the pool, and crawl out of the other side, where they drag themselves dripping wet to the mat. You're the last team to arrive. And...you're out. "You don't look happy with each other," Phil says. "No, because he hands me the freakin' information and sends me runnin' up the hill without readin' the additional information..." "Well, you can read, too," Bolo quite correctly points out. Yeah, I think her argument is pretty lame -- or at the very least, not nearly as impressive as she thinks. Phil busts out this gem: "Bolo, I know she's angry at you right now, but I think you probably have some good things to say about her." Heh. And then suddenly, Lori's hair is up as Bolo says that "she's one of the strongest women you'll ever meet." Well, that's nice. And Lori interviews that Bolo is "the love of [her] life," and she loves him "to death." Not literally. We hope.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer. And Phil would like you to know that tsunami relief is a good thing.
week: Not a good week for Kendra or Hayden, both of whom appear to be having girly breakdowns. Jon has a temper. No! Impossible!