Previously on No, Thanks, I'm Not Hungary: Spazpants didn't understand how Gus and Hera beat him out for a flight, because the world is inside a snow globe and things only move if he tells them to. All the women went "sproing!" into the air at the bungee Roadblock. Everyone lived, although a few of them were slightly compacted. Speaking of compacted, little tiny cars proved to be a source of great stress, even more than little tiny girlfriends. Lori and Bolo's car screwed them over, wearing a boxy, kicky little grin the entire time, and they gradually fell farther and farther behind until they missed the last train to Budapest and looked to be so far behind that they could never catch up. Unless, that is, you had ever seen the show before. And for whatever reason, "To Be Continued" popped up with no leg-ending mat at the end of the episode. Uber-leg? Double elimination? Dramatic cliffhanger involving estranged parents or a case of mistaken identity? And...will anyone ever be Philiminated again?
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Bolo and Lori hit each other in the face with pies after they're done wrestling. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, indeed, the romance of heartburn. Clasp it to you tightly, and never let it go.
We return to the Eger train station, where it is raining like hell. And Lori and Bolo? Well, they are "Currently in Last Place." The letters do not go on, "To Say The Least," as they probably should. Bolo slings his pack onto his back and says he's off to check and make sure there aren't any other trains headed to Budapest. This is the first time you can kind of tell it's a scam, because we were specifically shown in the last episode that after being told there were no trains, Lori and Bolo decided to lie down on the benches at the train station and sleep until morning.
Speaking of which, over in Budapest, the rest of the bunched teams are on their way into the internet café at 10:00 PM. Kendra explains that three teams at a time were allowed in. And when Nuance, Gus and Hera, and Spazpants get in, they find that Phil has left them a little video message that comes up on their computers. I've had that dream, too, where Phil lives in my computer. Phil cheerfully says that to get their clue, they have to use AOL email. Because you certainly would not do so for any other reason. On the apparent assumption that nobody has ever heard of AOL, Phil explains that they have to log onto AOL™ using a wireless™ Intel™ Centrino™ laptop™ that will tell them "You've Got Mail."™ Jonathan looks into the camera and sarcastically snarls, "Clicking into AOL is like communicating with my best friends [sic]." See? He thinks he's being witty, because he thinks it's so obvious that he's impatiently providing the product placement that they're making him give while he's trying to get his work done. Nice try, asshole. When they all actually open their email, it tells them to go by taxi to the Heritage Rail Museum. It's only about a three-mile trip, so it's not exactly the most taxing navigational challenge of their lives. At the museum, they'll have to ride in a little rail car that goes up to 50 miles an hour, down to the clue box. What's more, the rail museum doesn't open until 10:00 AM. So, to review: They arrived in Budapest and were required to do one task that opened at 10:00 PM and took about 45 seconds to complete, followed immediately by a task three miles away that opened at 10:00 AM. You know, there's reasonable bunching, and then there's the intentional wiping out of anything, no matter how serious, that might have happened to the team in the leg up to this point. This is just getting silly.
As Spazpants leaves the café with their clue, Jonathan snots, "R-A-C-E, race, Victoria." Because up to now, apparently, he's not sure she's noticed that he's all intense about winning. ["Also, don't be stepping on my lines, shorty." -- Sars] Hayden and Aaron go in , and when they see the screen, Aaron grandly smiles and says, "Hey, Phil." It's really funny, but you kind of have to see it. It's kind of the way I always want to greet Phil also. And after Phil explains about the email in your inbox, Aaron says, "Thanks, Phil." Funny. He's really funny.
Meanwhile, back in Eger, Bolo asks another person about trains to Budapest and is told that in fact, there is another one. There is one that leaves at 2:55 AM. So what do you know? Not that big of a deal after all. You'd almost think I could have skipped last week's entire episode, not to mention the ensuing clip show. Snore.
Nuance leaves the internet café and is replaced by Kris and Jon. Jon thinks it's "sweet" when they log on to AOL, so he's easy to please, apparently. I'll make a note of it. Hornio starts to work on the computer as well.
Spazpants is outside, and Jonathan is trying to snag a cab. He says something to Victoria about "holding" a cab they see, but it's not clear why she has to hold it instead of him. At any rate, nobody winds up holding it, and they lose the cab to Nuance. "Dammit!" Jonathan hollers. "What part of 'hold the cab' don't you understand?" he demands, going on to talk about "how many seasons" she's seen, and when she asks him why he didn't get the cab himself, he has no answer, so he just barks at her a couple of times to shut up. "That's why women don't rule the world," he says. Yeah, I'm real concerned about his opinion. He's breaking my heart. Now we'll never achieve suffrage.
Gus and Hera get a taxi without having to break out any major disputes over gender politics. Back in the café, Aaron continues to be all silly by imitating the "You've Got Mail" voice. How did he get to be my new boyfriend in thirty seconds, just by talking back to AOL? It really is true that I am the cheapest date ever. El Hornio screws up the mail the first time, to which Rebecca impatiently replies, "Why are you retarded right now?" I personally think it's the company he's keeping. Aaron and Hayden, Kris and Jon, and Hornio leave the café.
Lori and Bolo board a train to Budapest. "If we aren't last, God is with us completely," Bolo says. God: "Glug, glug." (Sorry, had to get one in for old times' sake. Only once a season, I swear.)
Aaron and Hayden, Kris and Jon, and Hornio stroll by the river. Hornio splits off, and Kris and Jon and Aaron and Hayden form a little clump of relative functionality as Kris and Jon, in particular, marvel at the sights of Budapest. Kris loves the Gothic architecture, Aaron thinks it's so cool, and all of them are heading for what is apparently their pre-arranged hotel. Because difficult conditions are no longer part of the race, in case you haven't noticed. There's no reason to subject people to exhaustion and limited food when you can just wait around for them to throw crap at each other like zoo monkeys.
El Hornio and Rebecca walk, and he talks about having wanted to "go and be romantic by [them]selves." "I am so over being romantic with you!" she spits back. She says El Hornio is "like her brother," and she would have preferred to hang out with the other couples. She goes on to blame El Hornio exclusively for the fact that other people don't want to be with them, declaring that he sucks, while she is "a cool chick" and "fun to hang out with." Wow. It must be nice to be absolutely certain that nothing bad that ever happens has anything to do with you. Rebecca interviews that while she loves El Hornio, she looks at Aaron and Hayden and Kris and Jon, and she thinks maybe those relationships are a trifle more "healthy" than hers. In the same way that All-Bran is a trifle more healthy than deep-fried Apple Jacks. Apparently, this thing about going off together is something that Rebecca has brought up, because El Hornio tells her to keep this in mind the time she's all griping about "being romantic." "Whatever, Adam, I'm so over you!" she says with great and vigorous nastiness. "Go away!" She says she'd rather be alone than be with him, which is probably why she resisted when the blue van came to kidnap the two of them and force them to spend an entire month together with no one else around. El Hornio goes on to interview that he still has great "love" for Rebecca, although at this moment, it's awfully difficult to know why.
Spazpants piles into a cab. Jonathan tells Victoria she's "dumb." So, pretty much status quo, there.
Gus and Hera arrive at the hotel, commenting that it's "better than sleeping on the street." When Nuance arrives, unsurprisingly, Kendra's first concern is whether they get their own room. Not whether or not they have to sleep outside, mind you, but whether they get their own room. And who will fluff the pillows? Will there be a laundry service? What time will my omelet be served? Bleh. Hayden and Aaron, then Kris and Jon, arrive at the hotel, followed by Spazpants, whom I'm sure everyone is enormously happy to see, in an "Egads, are they still here?" kind of way.
Bolo and Lori hop off their train in Budapest, headed for the internet café. When Bolo loudly whistles at a cab, Lori tells him that it's not New York. And more's the pity, really. Their driver does, fortunately, know the location of the internet café, so they're on their way. In the cab, it appears that Lori is having quite a bit of trouble keeping her eyes open, and when she does open them, it's only to say she's not sure how they can possibly catch up.
Commercials. Wow, Survivor, only with interior decorating. I cannot wait.
When we return, Lori and Bolo are still on their way to the internet café. When they get in, probably at something like 6:00 in the morning, just as the sun is starting to come up, Bolo is shocked to find that the café is actually open. He probably also notes that it didn't open until 10:00 last night. "Can you frickin' believe it?" he asks. She can frickin' believe it. Because it is frickin' true. They get online and get their clue, and when they note the 10:00 AM start time at the museum, Bolo realizes that the thing isn't even open yet, so obviously, catching up is well within reach. Outside, they snag another cab and ask to go straight to the Heritage Rail Museum. In case you're not catching the amusing thing about this, because they didn't go to the production-procured hotel, they're actually heading over there before anyone else. "We'll see what happens when we get there," Bolo says. And what happens when they get there is that there aren't any other teams. Indeed, Lori and Bolo are "Currently in 1st Place," although somebody fails to take the opportunity to put that unavoidably amusing caption on the screen. "This is when we run over everybody," Bolo comments. Hopefully not in the train car.
The rest of the teams grab cabs from the Hotel Fortuna to the museum. Which Jon inaccurately refers to as the "Historical Railway Museum," but honestly, he's so nice that I just don't care. The ability to keep words straight and in the proper order is highly overrated in men. In the Spazpants cab, Jonathan is using his Mental Magician Powers to try to explain to the driver that everyone is in a big race. And he -- the driver -- is part of the race. Well, except for the part where he doesn't get any of the money. That seems to me to be the little snag in this bit of brilliance, but then, what do I know? I'm not getting any money, either. The driver says "Yes," but he says it with that indulgent smile that you have to adopt in the service industry when dealing with buffoons.
The first team to join Lori and Bolo at the museum is Hornio. My favorite part is where Rebecca asks, "Did you find the internet place?" It would have been great if they had said, "No, was there an internet place? We were just guessing places in Budapest -- did we get it right?" Other teams arrive, but Spazpants is second to last, beating only Nuance, so it would appear that they didn't do that great of a job of inspiring their driver to brilliance by making him part of the race.
In other news, you knew, if you watched the show long enough, that there would be something that could only be called Gategate, and here it comes. The teams are all stopped behind a gate that rises on a hinge to the team's right -- so it goes up at an angle, much like the crossbar by the light rail tracks that are currently ruining my life and commute right by the Mall of America. Not that I am bitter. As the teams rush under the gate as fast as they possibly can in a giant clump -- not really the treatment the gate is designed for, of course -- it hits the top of its swing and then bounces back down, beaning both Hera and Freddy as it falls. Hera comments that "people are psycho," and Kendra asks Freddy if he's bleeding. The teams tear across the museum grounds, and as they go, Hera wonders aloud to Gus whether somebody tried to hold the gate down on purpose. Gus isn't sure. When the teams finally find the little post with the numbers on it for the task, El Hornio and Jon go up and scuffle, going for the first number. They experience the tragedy of the commons, in that they are the first two guys there, but because they knock over the post fighting each other for number one, it falls over, Bolo and Hayden jump in, and the first person to get a number? Is Bolo. The numbers wind up all over the ground, and Hornio actually winds up in fourth. Way to shoot yourself in the foot. Poor kitty.
In the aftermath, as the teams scramble for numbers, Freddy demands, "Who pulled the gate down?" Jon starts to explain how they knocked over the post, and Freddy says, "No, the gate." I'm pretty sure his question is, "Who pulled the fucking gate down?", and that they edited out the swear, but I couldn't...well, swear. Lori points out that she and Bolo were long gone by the time Freddy got hit, which is true. Freddy will not be dissuaded, and continues to demand to know who pulled it down. "Was it you?" he asks Jon as Jon tries to get him to relax. "Calm down, buddy," Jon says. "When I find out who pulled the gate down, IT'S SOMEBODY'S ASS!" Freddy yells. Tee hee. Sorry, thought that was funny. The best part is when Jonathan comes over and puts his hands on Freddy, saying, "You're okay, come on, walk it off." (M. Giant: "When Jonathan is telling you to calm down, you have a problem.") Meanwhile, Hera is not so worried about pressing charges, but her head hurts. She describes how the thing really whipped down on her head, but Freddy is still getting his freak-out on. "One of you, I'm gonna break in half!", he yells. He keeps it up: "One of you will pay for that." I don't know what kind of investigation he intends to institute, but it's probably time for him to admit at the very least that he has no way of finding out what happened, and he's not later going to come back like Charles Bronson and kick anyone's ass. Not that I wouldn't welcome it, provided that it resulted in bodily injury to Jonathan. Gus calms Freddy by telling him that Hera got herself conked on the head also. For some reason, it seems to help. Whatever. Lori and Bolo take off in the little rail car, because indeed, they are the first team.
It turns out that the train car looks kind of like a roller-coaster car that just flies down the tracks in a straight line. And as they sit there on the seat, Lori and Bolo exchange a low-five, which is fine, but then Bolo decides to howl and laugh as loudly as he can in a sort of "Bite me, suckers" posture, which is understandable, but not such a great idea. That's a good way to make enemies unnecessarily, as I have pointed out many times. Back at the starting line, Freddy is beginning to be calmed, and now just talks about how much it hurt. He does not mention that he is thinking about whether he could choke Bolo with his do-rag. At the end of the little rail tracks, Lori and Bolo hop out of the car and go to the clue box. We don't see the new clue yet, because now, it is time to explain about the Fast Forward.
Phil tells us about how the first team to find and perform the Fast Forward will skip the rest of the leg and go to the pit stop. In good news, he does use the phrase, "Most advantageous to go for it." In bad news, this Fast Forward requires you to drink a glass of pig's blood. Ew. Bolo and Lori, having spent this entire uber-leg not sleeping and being behind and generally being miserable, are smart enough to recognize this as an excellent FF opportunity, and they decide to head for that. Besides, if anyone were ever going to embrace blood-drinking, you have to think it would be these people. God knows what weird-ass nutritional supplements they already take. The car takes them back to the start, where they hop out.
In second place are Aaron and Hayden. They zing down the tracks. They pull the clue, and Aaron breaks my heart by pronouncing "Hungary's most famous river" as "the Da-NOOB." Oh, Aaron. You are such a...well, a noob. I think Phil explains that this clue actually tells them to get to an island on the Dan-YOOB, and find a clue at something called the Hajos Alfred at the Nemzeti Sportuszoda. I might be making that whole thing up, though. In the little car, Hayden tells Aaron she's sure Lori and Bolo will go for the FF, so they apparently don't consider it for that reason. And indeed, outside, we see Lori and Bolo grab a taxi and head for the FF. Lori says in the cab that she didn't appreciate Freddy trying to blame them for bringing the gate down when they were "long gone" by the time he got smacked. True, that. And then Bolo really gets going, noting, "'You messed my face up, you messed my face up, wahhh!' Ain't gonna take no pictures with that face. Supermodel!" Yeah, hilarious. Because if there's anyone who has no vanity, it's a bodybuilding pro wrestler whose wife openly discusses her implants. You want to watch that, there, smarty.
Hayden and Aaron hop out of the car, Kris and Jon hop in. And as they go, she turns to him and says over the noise, "Oooh, it's very vibratey," and then she makes a devilish, grinning face that lets you know that she absolutely said that on purpose, which is why it's hysterically funny and not irritating. They are damn near redeeming this entire season for me, and they're sneaking up on being my favorite team ever, in all six seasons, just in terms of the balance between heart, humor, cute, and damn-I'm-jealous. At the very least, they're my favorite team that's ever become a favorite just by being awesome, rather than by being funny, which is the most reliable way to fight your way into my heart. Kris also cracks up as she tries to read that tongue-twisting clue, which...exactly. Just say something, and then admit you might be making it up, Kris. People are kind. They'll understand.
Hayden and Aaron are trying to get a cab. As Kris and Jon hop out of the car, she comments, "I want to go again." Well, sure. It's very vibratey. El Hornio says, "Choo-choooo!" as they depart. Which is really kind of not necessary, as it's not that kind of train. Elsewhere, Hayden and Aaron are still taxi-hunting, while Kris and Jon appear to get one nearly right away. In fact, as they leave, they go by Aaron and a very unhappy Hayden, who asks, "How did that happen?" If she thinks that can't happen, she definitely hasn't seen the show enough. Or tried to catch a cab in Manhattan. I shall never master the proper selection of corners. Anyway, in one of my favorite subtle, funny moments of the episode, Kris points out of the back of the cab and says, "We just passed Harron and Ayden [sic], they're by the side of the road, walking." "Aaron and Hayden," Jon says. She knows immediately what she did, and says, "Did I say it wrong?" "Harron and Ayden," he tells her. She laughs. "I always say that!" Hee hee. I love them. Have I mentioned?
Harron and Ayden are wandering around looking for a cab, still, and she's not at all happy about having fallen behind Kris and Jon.
When Hornio gets the clue, Rebecca quickly concludes that "Bolo did the Fast Forward," so she's not pursuing it either. Back at the start, Freddy tells Kendra that his "whole face hurts." You know, maybe if he stopped yelling. I find that often makes my whole face hurt. Meanwhile, Hornio gives a second unnecessary "Choo-choooo!" as he and Rebecca return to the start. Freddy and Kendra leave in the car; Hornio gets a cab; Aaron and Hayden then get one at last. Nuance gets the clue, and they, too, blow off the FF as already gone, in all likelihood. Spazpants is the sixth team to take the train car. They get the clue, they come back, and Gus and Hera leave last. They ride, they get the clue, they come back, they look for a cab. Nuance and Gus and Hera appear to get cabs for the Danube at approximately the same time, although you never know what those delightful editing pixies have up their sleeves.
In good news, in the Nuance cab, Freddy characterizes his own behavior today as that of "a clown." "I'd just been hit in the nose, and I lost total control. It was like somebody taking the lid off a pressure cooker." Well, at least he knows. Better a self-aware clown than the other kind. ["Aw. Now I miss the actual clowns." -- Sars] Bolo and Lori, in their cab, are almost to the Fast Forward, and they're hoping that they can skip to the pit stop.
Kris and Jon are the first to arrive at the clue at the Sspaoifshdhd Vnuibsz. Or whatever. Phil explains, with an assist from the Exposition Hands, that this is a Detour, and the two choices this week are Swim and Paddle. In Swim, the team will get in a pool and try to score a goal against a Hungarian water polo goalie. In Paddle, they'll go to a beach, use a hand pump to inflate a boat, and then paddle it across the Danube. Kris and Jon immediately pick the water polo, because at least it's not an inflatable pool. They rush over to the pool, noting that it requires them to put on the provided "water polo gear." "A Speedo," Jon notes with great enthusiasm. Oh, wait, actually, that was my great enthusiasm. Sorry.
In the Lori and Bolo cab, it appears that she's decided she's actually mad at him for saying they're right back in it. She doesn't want to count any chickens until she knows she doesn't have to shave her head, is my opinion. "It ain't first place until you step on the pit stop," she says. "I'm sorry, but that's the way I was raised. You're not there until you're there." And I agree, although I'm surprised anyone raises their kids with any particular philosophy for Fast Forwards. Crazy home-schoolers. (Don't email me! Especially as a civics project! Go back to spelling long words!) (Don't email me now, either!)
At the pool, Jon emerges from the changing tent in his little suit, and "hummena-hummena" is as close to describing the effect as I'm going to get. Kris follows him out. "Jon's a water polo player," she exposits simply. And then she throws in, "Dude, my man is so unbelievably hot." Hee hee. Who can argue, really? It's been a long time since I had the urge to reach back in my vocabulary for the word "hunky." They run over and hop in the pool. He throws to her, she throws back, and he throws the ball into the cross bar. It lands in the water, but in the scuffle with the goalie, it scoots into the net. Score! They collect a clue that tells them to head in their taxis to Gundel Restaurant, where there's a clue by the wine cellar. As they scurry off, Kris refers to this as "the perfect day." Yeah, you always want to wait till they're over before you make that call, sweetie.
Hornio is now pulling up to the Swim, and as Kris and Jon are leaving, she takes a moment to note, "We just played water polo in Hungary." Aw. You're so sweet. And, you really didn't. But still! It's okay because it's you, and I play favorites. Eat it, Teams Who Suck. Anyway, they try to take the cab that just dropped off Hornio, but it turns out that Hornio is holding it.
Hornio de-cabs and goes to get changed, while Kris and Jon finally find a cab outside that can take them to the restaurant. As Hornio jumps into the pool, Rebecca looks for "who is not that good" among the available players. No one yells out, "I am not that good!", unfortunately. Maybe they do in Hungarian, and she doesn't understand. Hornio swims down toward the goal with the ball. As a bunch of water polo players bob around inertly as if they're trying not to frighten the ball, Rebecca throws to El Hornio. He throws back to her. And then, quite brilliantly, Rebecca says to El Hornio, "Distract him." El Hornio does his best by saying, "Hi." Now, you have to remember that there is nothing else going on in the pool while this is happening. You couldn't distract the goalie with a stripper and a pizza. When the brilliant distraction idea doesn't work, Rebecca just throws it to El Hornio, who wings it into the goal. Yeah, that might be a slightly easier approach than subterfuge, Mata Harpy. They get out and get their clue. Their taxi driver knows the way, so they're off.
Hayden and Aaron and Spazpants arrive at the Swim . As both teams run for it, Aaron growls, "Gonna run you down like a dog, Jonathan!" Hee hee. I hope there's a big leash and a stick. Hayden and Aaron rip the clue and choose the swimming. Victoria hesitates just slightly, causing Jonathan to yell at her some more. Really all kinds of entertaining, that. They yell, blah blah, and then he says, "I'm going to take off my underwear and jump in!" The Eyeball Preservation Society sends out emergency copies of a pamphlet called, "How To Stop The Bleeding."
Harron and Ayden jump in the pool. Pass. Score! Boy, this is exciting. I hope the Packers are this easy later today. Aaron looks nice in the suit as they're collecting their clue too, by the way. And as they're leaving, Aaron happily says, "I just totally burned that goalkeeper. He had no chance. I have a cannon for an arm. I'm going to be the Michael Jordan of water polo." (Miss Alli's Mom: "Oh, I could have scored on that goalkeeper.") They pile into their taxi and leave.
Spazpants plays in the water. Victoria scores the actual goal, because she has to do everything, unless there is the opportunity to shout "WOOOOO!" while doing it. They leave, but not soon enough for me.
Gus and Hera reach the Detour, and in their usual fashion, they choose the slower option -- in this case, Paddle.
Spazpants heads back to their taxi.
Gus and Hera work the hand pump to inflate their boat. And Nuance, "Currently In Last Place," is that final team to hit the Detour clue. Fortunately for them, they choose Swim. "It's going to take a lot longer to paddle across the Danube River than it is to get in the pool and throw a ball," Freddy observes. Right on, Freddy-O. Gus and Hera put their boat in the water. "Honey, I need you to row harder," Gus tells her. "It's hard, Daddy," she says. This does not bode well.
Lori and Bolo, meanwhile, are looking for the Fast Forward, and are concerned that their driver may not know exactly where he's going. And Lori still looks like she's been swallowing Zombie Pills. "We just went down this road," she complains. "This guy's lost," Bolo puts in. See? This is what happens when you do too much hooting and hollering.
Commercials. Did you know Minnesota runs commercials telling you to spend the winter in Minnesota? I think the universe just folded over itself into an origami loon.
When we return, it's still Lori and Bolo in the cab, looking for that Fast Forward. Having the longest and least interesting day ever, they are.
And back on the Danube, Gus and Hera are still paddling. He tells her to try quicker, shorter strokes. And they finally approach, and then reach, the flag. They get the clue sending them to the restaurant, and they need a taxi. Because in the story the show would like you to believe in, they are still in it.
Freddy and Kendra complete the water polo. With, apparently, one shot, like everyone else. They get the restaurant clue.
Lori and Bolo reach the Fast Forward at last, and they tell their taxi to wait while they go inside. They scurry down the stairs into the scary, scary tomb. Will they drink the blood? Will they? WILL THEY? Not to ruin the suspense for you, but...gulp, gulp, gulp. That about does it. They're probably grateful for the nutritional value, whatever it may be. I wonder what the Recommended Daily Allowance of hemoglobin is. The best Lori can come up by way of objection is a halfhearted "yuck." And I think she just feels kind of obligated. They read the clue, telling them that they can head directly to the pit stop, which is located at a place called Fisherman's Bastion. There, they'll go by foot or funicular up a hill to the mat. Last team there? "May be eliminated." And, in the coolest and funniest postscript to a Phil-over ever, right after he says "eliminated," we cut to a guy dressed all in black holding a whip. And he cracks it. So it's like, "May be eliminated -- [whhh-pchhhh!]." That was awwwwesome. It made Philimination sound kind of dangerous. And sexy.
Lori and Bolo leave, and out on the street, they learn that the spot they're heading for is very nearby. In fact, it's described by a local as "over there." They run for it. They run up the stairs as Bolo notes thoughtfully, "It didn't taste like blood." They land on the mat. "WEL-COME TO BOOOOD-A-PEST!", yells the whip guy. Bolo starts to thank him, and then the whip guy adds, "HUN-GA-RY!" Hee hee. Wow. Is Budapest really mean or something? Because this isn't nearly as hospitable as, say, the friendly old dudes and beauty pageant contestants that have appeared in past seasons. This may be the first greeter to wield a weapon. Anyway, welcome, Lori and Bolo, you are team number one. And in a hug of Phil that actually didn't bother me, Lori jumps up into Phil's arms in a way that looks totally spontaneous and excited, and she bites him on the neck! Hee hee. He grins. And then he rubs his neck, because...ow. "I guess that blood got to you, huh?" he asks. It's interesting to note that even being bitten by strange teeth is clearly way more fun for Phil than when people show up screeching and wailing. Phil awards the rasslers a vacation to "romantic Europe," and this time he really does have to tell them they can enjoy it after the race, because otherwise, they might think they're enjoying it right now, being in Budapest and everything. Bolo says that this proves that you never give up. Indeed. One must always remain conscious of the fact that many legs are meaningless.
Kris and Jon are the first to arrive at the Roadblock. "Who's ready to spice up their life?" reads the clue. Phil explains that this task will require one person to eat a 24-ounce bowl -- that's three cups, for those of you keeping score at home -- of spicy local soup. In fact, Phil says it's "extraordinarily spicy." I think that's about as strong as Phil can come up with, as far as expression of spiciness, short of resorting to words like "yowza," which are probably a little undignified for Phil. Kris asks Jon if he can do it, and he tells her that he can, but she needs to think about how many Roadblocks she's doing and how many he's doing. Indeed, this is the sixth Roadblock, and he's doing his fourth, so they're getting unequally distributed, but not by that much. Besides, she's a pretty strong chick, having done the salt and whatnot, so it's not like she can't do anything physical. At any rate, they go inside to dive into the soup. He sits down as a group of local musicians tootles away "merrily." As he starts eating, he says, "Oh, yeah. It's hot." And I'm sure it is.
In the Hornio cab, Rebecca declares El Hornio "the new king of water polo." But he is not the king of traffic, and they are stuck.
Hardees and Aarosmith arrive at the Roadblock and hold their cab. They hit the clue box. Aaron is taking the task for his team. Inside, Jon looks up at the guy in the chef's hat. "Did you make this?" he deadpans. "It's a little spicy. I think you might want to tone it down a little bit." Kris laughs. "Just tone it down a little crack time," he adds. Snerk. Aaron and Hayden arrive, and Aaron sits down to start in on the soup, as Hayden adds the information from the clue that you do have to eat the soup with the spoon, so there is apparently no picking up the bowl and chugging it. Among other things, that would probably be kind of bad for your stomach lining.
Spazpants arrives at the restaurant. "Who's ready to spice up their life? Victoria," Jonathan says sourly. She looks dubious. "Right?" he asks too late. "Okay," she agrees. Inside, Jon and Aaron are still eating. And now, Victoria is eating too. "It's so spicy!" she says. Jonathan comes over and yells at the musicians, as if they're making it impossible for Victoria to eat. Jon does tell Kris that the "screeching violins" are not helping his stomach. Behind Aaron, Hayden says she'll "cheer for [him]," and she starts some little cheerleader-ish clapping. "If you start doing that, I'll stop eating," he says simply. Hee hee. "You're not doing it right," Jonathan declares to Victoria. "Doing it right"? She's eating soup, you shit. What do you expect her to do, stuff it in her ears? Apparently, Jonathan's complaint is that she should eat faster. "I'm going to stop until you shut up," she says, sticking up for herself for once. "Jon's just the man," Kris says, as she rubs her baby's shoulders. Which is just what I would be doing, whether it helped him eat the soup or not. He continues to eat as she rubs his back lightly. Jonathan is still disgusted: "She's a lightweight, what can I say?" "Support her. Support her," Kris tells him. You will be shocked to hear that it doesn't take. Kris even tries to help Victoria herself, saying, "You got it, girl, you got it." Aaron has a different question. "Why didn't you do it, Jonathan?" Aaron asks. "Because I do all the hard stuff," Victoria spits back. Hayden voices over that indeed, she's a bit perplexed by the fact that Jonathan the "dictator" seems to make Victoria do all the hard stuff. She decides that what would help her own boyfriend, however, is to remind him that he's "going to have the runs" after this. Jon, not reminded of his digestive problems, finishes .
Hornio collects the Roadblock clue, and Rebecca is doing it for them. Kris and Jon, meanwhile, are trying to leave, but they're finding that all the waiting cabs are being held for people who are inside. They do run into Hornio. "Is it hard, y'all?" Rebecca asks. "Oh, dude," is all Jon can say. Never a good sign, when all a guy can come up with is, "Oh, dude." El Hornio observes that Jon looks a little ill, and apologizes in advance for the fact that Rebecca will probably end up the same way.
Inside, Victoria says that she "need[s] something to throw up in." May I suggest her husband's skull? Oh, no. I guess not. Jonathan hands her Jon's used-up bowl instead, and she turns to the side and pukes in it. "Is it bad?" Rebecca asks Aaron as she joins the group. "Yeah," he says plainly. And the puking is probably a sign, too. "I can't put all this in my stomach; it'll kill me," Victoria whimpers. Rebecca, on the other hand, dives in. "Mm, mm," she says bravely. "I said that in the beginning, too," Aaron says flatly, with perfect comic flair. I'm telling you, for a guy saddled with such a humorless, grumpy chick, that is a funny guy. And then he gives a mighty belch. See? There's no wit like the burping wit.
Victoria has a new problem. "There's a HAIR in my soup!" she yells. Jonathan insists it's gone. Maybe he screamed and made it disintegrate. Rebecca keeps eating and eating and eating, which serves only to subject Victoria to a new stream of abuse about why she can't do that if Rebecca can. Victoria throws up some more, and Aaron appears to be suffering from sympathetic gagging for a moment, as might be expected. Hayden says to Aaron, "Rebecca's going to beat you." Aaron slowly turns around. "Hayden?" he says calmly. "You are the biggest pain in my ass." Well, exactly. And she had that one coming. If she had listened the first time he told her not to cheer, she had enough time to shut the hell up. El Hornio tells Rebecca that she won't get as full if she eats faster. Eh. Victoria throws up some more. And cries. "Let's go, Victoria," Jonathan says coldly. And right then, Aaron leans back and throws up his soup on the floor under his own chair. Oy. The violins stop. There is a post-puking moment of silence. "I think we need more music," El Hornio offers. HA! Brilliant. Which he almost never is, except when finding a new and extravagant way to threaten suicide. The music starts up again, and Rebecca continues eating. Like, as El Hornio observes, "a machine." Hayden encourages Aaron to barf more if necessary, which I'm sure is quite helpful. Jonathan screams at Victoria about "Scoop it, like I told you!" Pleasant.
Gus and Hera are heading for the restaurant. Sigh. Nuance, too.
Kris and Jon finally get a cab to the pit stop. "I need a window seat," he says as he climbs in. Hee. He goes on to say, "Between the bowl of Tabasco sauce, and the screeching violins, it was a torturous project." And elsewhere, Rebecca is puking into the bushes outside the restaurant, because as perky as she was, she also found it a torturous project. As she's puking, we hear El Hornio voice over, "I want to get back together with Rebecca, because I love her." Now that is some funny shit. He's literally talking about how much he loves her while she's looking up from the dirt with her pukey chin. Reeeally gross, but funny. She declares that she's okay, takes her head out of the plants, and soldiers on. They get into their taxi. "Are you going to throw up on me in the cab?" he asks. "Maybe," she answers.
Victoria is panting and weeping. "Drama queen," Jonathan says dismissively. He continues to tell her how she's going to make them lose, and she finally says, "Please go away, you're making it worse." Like he doesn't always. "I don't know what else to say to you." Well, exactly. That's exactly it. You don't know what else to say, besides this. You'd think there might be a few other options. I'd tell you to think of something, but I'm thinking it's probably a little late for that now.
Commercials. Wait, Blockbuster is getting rid of late fees? They must be entirely benevolent after all! Maybe tax cuts for the extremely wealthy are, too. Everything's coming up roses!
The clarinets tootle as Victoria continues trying to eat. Aaron keeps trying, having reduced Hayden to a nice, quiet, "Good job, sweetie." Jonathan yells at the musicians some more. And then Victoria throws up again. "You can't do this, drama queen," Jonathan says with unfettered hate. "You can't do this." Hayden tries to tell Aaron he's almost done, but he says it's Victoria who's making him want to throw up. And throw up he does, a little more. I'm not sure that's the kind of sympathy Victoria really needs, but it's better than nothing.
Nuance hops out at the restaurant. Freddy declares himself "a bear," and says he can do the food "in about two seconds." Inside, Victoria is throwing up more, and one of the musicians holds his nose so as not to join her. Freddy sits down and starts eating. The person to finish is Victoria, who finally gets to escape her world of vomit and return to...never mind. Aaron finishes . Outside, Spazpants leaves in their cab, Jonathan suddenly all apologetic for making her do it. "If you would just shut up, it would really help," she says. There's that glimmer of backbone that only makes it seem more depressing that she doesn't haul it out more often. Hayden and Aaron leave, too. Hayden throws a "muy rapido" at their driver. "That's Spanish," Aaron points out, quite logically. Hungary? Not so much a Spanish-speaking country. "I don't care if it's Spanish," Hayden responds. You know, uselessly. Because...what else is she going to say? She thought the driver might be Mexican-Hungarian?
As Freddy eats, Kendra decides that for some reason, it would be good to point out to him the places where people have thrown up their soup. What possessed her to do this, I shall never know. Aaaand...predictably, Freddy throws up on the floor. She points out, trying to help, that he only has an eighth as much left as he started with. "I put, like, four ounces back in it," he says. Ohhhhh, no. "Back in it?" she asks. "Vomited in it," he clarifies. And then, as if he were going for comedy, even though you know he's not, he brings his spoon up with this stringy, stretchy...okay, now I'm going to throw up. Can we talk about something else? Like how good a show this was, before it turned into a fucking parade of circus freaks? When Kendra realizes that her boyfriend is eating his own puke, she starts to cry. This entire scene just screams "true love," doesn't it?
Gus and Hera approach the restaurant.
Kris and Jon get to the pit stop area. They hop out and look for the funicular. Victoria, in the Spazpants cab, is telling Jonathan she doesn't ever want to eat again. After seeing that bit with Freddy, I don't really want to ever eat again, either. Jonathan kisses Victoria on the cheek, which I hope she washed after she kept puking on herself. He assures her that he's only "trying to get [her] to motivate." They come up behind Kris and Jon, and Jon turns to Spazpants and says, "Dude, how good was that soup?" Hee. "I've never seen a monster like her," Jonathan declares. So, so tiresome, really. In the Hornio cab, El Hornio tells Rebecca how awesome she was. In the Hayden/Aaron cab, Hayden is explaining how she should have done the Roadblock, because she could have done it much faster. She also instructs him to wipe his nose. Thanks, Mom. She is really such a harpy. Call me, Aaron!
Jon and Kris and Spazpants hop into two different cars on the same funicular up the hill. Spazpants yells at the innocent local sharing their car with them, about how she has to let them jump off first. Oh, and Victoria notes that she threw up in her hair. That's nice, isn't it? When the two teams de-funiculate at the top of the hill and start running, Victoria immediately declares that she's going to throw up. You know, again. And Jonathan instructs her not to "go into the pit stop crying again." So you can tell he learned his lesson from last time. Both teams run for the pit stop. Fortunately, Kris and Jon are the ones to hit the mat. Welcome to Budapest. HUNGARY! Welcome, Team Thank God You Are Here Because Otherwise I Would Be Losing My Fucking Mind By Now, you are team number two. Spazpants, having dropped their packs, finishes third. "Always good to see you, Phil," Jonathan says. Off-screen, Phil vomits into a bowl.
In the Hornio cab, El Hornio says that he thinks a funicular is "a little two-person bicycle." Hee hee. He is almost dweeby enough to be kind of adorable. But not. Because...just, no.
Back at the restaurant, Freddy struggles to finish. They finally get to leave, and she tells him in the cab how awesome he is while he holds something to his head. Gus and Hera, "Currently In Last Place," get to the restaurant , and Gus agrees to eat the soup.
El Hornio is sad that Rebecca wants to run up the stairs, not because he doesn't want to do the stairs, but because he wants to take the little train. So they do. That seems surprisingly healthy of them, the way they discussed it. And no one had to scream or cry or act like a complete bitch. Which, as you know, they both can do at times.
Gus eats soup. Gulp, gulp, gulp. Doesn't seem to bother him too much. Maybe he got Consolation Soup that was less spicy. They get out and get a cab.
As Hornio ascends in the cab, they agree that the funicular is "dope." Is "dope" still in play? Man. Everything old is new again. Meanwhile, Hayden and Aaron are running up the stairs. When Hornio reaches the top, Rebecca spots some kind of guard change in progress, and says she wants to stop and watch. "Yeah. I'll bring you back," El Hornio says. Hee. Cute. The gist here is that Hornio is walking, and Hayden and Aaron are running. So the teams wind up in sight of each other trying to get to the pit stop. First to the pit stop, however...are Aaron and Hayden. Welcome, Funny Man And Annoying, Shrewish Girlfriend. You're team number four. Why she is wearing a bitchface is very mysterious, so I'm starting to think her face froze that way, just like your mother always told you. Welcome, Hornio, you are team number five. They hug. Kind of.
Nuance gets to the pit stop. Gus and Hera are on the way. Look, we can build suspense here, but Gus and Hera are pretty clearly very far behind, and unsurprisingly, Nuance hits the mat first. Not happy about sixth, but at least they're not out. Gus and Hera, on the other hand? Yes. Welcome, you are Philiminated. "We had a really long day," Hera sniffles. "What happened?" Phil asks kindly. "It was just one thing after another," Gus says. He tells us that his bond with Hera is "forged in steel," and she says that she has indeed gotten a closer relationship with her father. "My daughter will always be my daughter, but now my daughter is my friend," Gus voices over. I liked them. I will miss them.
But I will tell you, this show is losing me.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Adam drowns. Okay, probably not.