Previously: Well, there are no previouslys, except in the sense that the entire episode is nothing but a string of previouslys, so it's not clear that anything can be considered to be the previouslys to what happened previously. Look at me, bending time and space. You can thank me later when the pizza that you order on Thursday arrives on Wednesday afternoon.
We open with sweeping city landscapes as Phil reminds us that, "not long ago," the race started. Remember how Phil pronounces it "Chic-eh-go," and how it kind of made you want to touch his eyebrow? Remember how he was all, "Go!," and they did, because this is not a democracy, it's a Phil-ocracy? The Amazing Yellow Line gets its best gig ever as it traces the entire route so far from Chicago to Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Senegal, Berlin, and Budapest. Phil promises that this "special episode" (grrrr) will offer a refresher on whatever you may have missed, and also some new material, known as "the stuff that makes the recapper work New Year's weekend." The promised new stuff begins with Hornio, seen losing their clue, fighting, discussing the possibility that they left it in a liquor store (?), and then, after Phil voices over about "more exciting moments," finding it (Rebecca only) and running out to the car screeching and jumping up and down like a little girl (also Rebecca only, surprisingly enough). If everything new is as hot as people locating their lost paperwork, this will be so exciting that we're all going to wind up naked.
Credits. Oh, glaciers, we hardly knew ye. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Steinbrenner, Schmeinbrenner. I've got your contraction right here. (Yeah, not technically Steinbrenner's fault, but the Yankee Button and the Resentful Small-Market Team Suffering Button are right to each other on the control panel of my mind, and advertisers have such pudgy fingers.
Chicago. Teams fanning out in the first leg like little ants. Man, where's that magnifying glass when you need it? The first new tidbit is when we see Nuance lose the very first clue of the race. You'll recall that they also lost a clue in the second leg and took a penalty for replacing it without authorization, so apparently, envelope control is not one of the travel "nuances" they've mastered. In one of those disgusting coincidences the universe occasionally unleashes to remind you of its general hostility, Spazpants comes up with Freddy and Kendra's clue as it literally blows by on its way to the freedom of Lake Michigan. Jonathan decides to give it back, but he hangs onto it until the train. And rather than going around saying he has a clue if anyone lost one, he waits until Nuance admits that the clue is lost, and then he crows, all, "I've got it." Because he loves the part where he gets to help. When he's not pushing and shoving, he's all about philanthropy. He hands the clue over to Nuance. They exchange low-fives. You will note that this friendliness had evaporated by the middle of the leg when Freddy departed the Boat of No Clue and declined Jonathan's kind offer with a command in which one-third of the words were dirty ones.
In old news, Gus and Hera talk to their new "alliance" (including Avi and Joe and Hayden and Aaron) about how much they can't stand Spazpants. "He is a pain in the ass," Gus says presciently. And he's not even drinking yet.
More new stuff: in Iceland, Bolo and Lori come up with a trick to get through customs faster. Bolo "pretends" to have some limitations in need of accommodation. "My brother," Lori says, indicating Bolo -- who looks about as much like her blood relative as I look like Lucy Liu -- "he's a little bit slower than the rest of 'em. We're doin' a race, and we're tryin' to get ahead of everybody. Can we go ahead?" As we look at Bolo standing in an awkward, lock-kneed position as if he doesn't walk well, Lori voices over that this was their "technique" -- to make like Bolo was "a special person." Bolo clears up precisely what kind of "special" he was supposed to be by saying that he has three or four friends with cerebral palsy. "They're one of the strongest people on this earth," he says with his typical flair for language. It would have been so much easier if he had just pretended he was stupid. And really, as I said with Charla's "doctoro," I don't bother being offended by this in and of itself as much as number one, I think it's just not what I want the show to become; and number two, you can't be a hypocrite about it. Of course, in Bolo's case, he's not dropping interview gems about how he just wants to be treated like everyone else, so there isn't as much "number two" involved as there was when Charla did it, and yes, you may embrace that double meaning, as it was entirely intended. But still? Stupid and annoying, and shut up, Bolo. As Bolo limps, he tells himself, "This is for a million dollars." Which, as we know, makes everything okay. Aaron and Hayden actually talk in their car about how stupid she thinks that stunt was. It's very unsettling to find myself agreeing with her about much of anything, but there you go. She suspects that Bolo's karma will "come back and bite [him] in the butt," and I tend to agree, at least somewhat. It's a lot worse than not tipping a cab driver, after all.
Old news: "New York Jews in Iceland..." Kris and Jon giggle at everything. Don and MJ believe all of Iceland is drunk: "I think they're all ripped." Hornio fights over sunglasses. Spazpants fights over everything else. Snowmobiles, campsites, tents.
Lena and Kristy discuss sleeping on the glacier, and they conclude that if they're going to keep warm, they'll have to get naked in their sleeping bags. And there's a race scene that ought to start, "Dear Penthouse Forum," if ever there was one. Meanwhile, after Lori and Bolo wrestle and Lori puts the fear of God into Jonathan, Lori gives Rebecca a wrestling lesson. El Hornio rightly believes that Rebecca will break his arm with her new crazy wrestling skills. Come to think of it, I think I could break his arm, and I wouldn't even need lessons. Or wrestling. I think I could do it with a paperback book. "You're down! Stay there!" Rebecca giggles at the end of the teaching. Self-defense is a good thing, even though Rebecca isn't really the person I was looking to see gain an advantage over others.
Old news: Naked Gus scrubs with snow. Lori's implants are frozen. Everyone climbs the ice wall, except for the fools who search for buoys. Hayden and Aaron grab the first-place finish for the first leg, while Avi and Joe doubt Gus and Hera and get the boot.
Joe tells us that "The Amazing Race is an experience that, at least on some level, everybody needs to have in life." He thinks it gives you perspective, even, apparently, if you're only there for like a day and a half. Please. I've been to longer graduation parties.
Old news: Norway! Meredith and Maria stall out endlessly in the parking lot.
Meredith and Maria, it turns out, get help from Kris and Jon. Are you surprised? Yeah, I didn't think so. Of course, all Kris really does is hop in Meredith and Maria's SUV and move it out of the way so that everyone else can go, but it's clear that relieving the tension gets Maria out of her rapidly developing meltdown in time for her to pull it together and get moving, so gratitude is indeed appropriate, and it is present. In their car, Meredith and Maria declare Kris and Jon "very nice people." Heh. Well, yes. That quality was probably particularly evident given the rest of the company. And everybody looks like an angel when you're having car trouble.
Old news: Adam rides the zip line and cries like a girl. It's time to go to the Viking Village.
In the Viking Village, Jonathan's lecture to Victoria about how proud he is of himself actually goes farther than we saw in the original episode. I realize this is hard to believe. He also seems to be having a little trouble getting used to interviewing, given that he looks like a complete freak as he stares directly into the lens, like he's at spring break in Fort Lauderdale and this is his only shot at the MTV camera. He babbles that what really matters in the game is slowing down and trying to, as he says, "be the game." And that reminds me of Troy, and now I'm all sad. And then he's full of some more crapola about challenging down to the core and yap yap yap make a million dollars without spending a penny of your own and I did it all through real estate and you can too and Amway can help you and the government will give you $25,000 in cash just for asking and you too can become rich from coin collecting. Shut up, Inspiration T. Cornpone. What's wonderful about this sequence, if you're paying attention, is how the editors of the show are getting so good at letting the guy be hoist on his own petard, because without comment or particularly intrusive music or anything, they just keep showing footage of him talking and talking and talking, and every time they cut to more of him talking, the point becomes clearer. In fact, I believe they couldn't have made the point any more clearly if they had put up graphic of a hammer, then a screwdriver, then a wrench, then a pair of pliers, then a flashing red arrow pointing at Jonathan's face. In the best moment of all, Jonathan lifts his arms while saying to Victoria with great earnestness, "Don't doubt yourself." She nods. "Can you wash your shirt?" she asks. "You really stink." It's so sad that she probably means that literally, and that he will probably take it as such. Of course, in truth, the kind of stink he stinks will never come off in the shower. His or mine.
It turns out that Lena and Kristy battled bugs at the Viking Village. Or Lena did -- Kristy didn't really know about it. As we watch an interview with the sisters, Lena explains about the bugs, which takes Kristy by surprise, since apparently Lena did not share this news so as not to share the upset. "You cheater!" Kristy says with mock indignation, In the cabin, Don laughs as Lena surveys her surroundings and then sprays the bed with bug repellent. I'm not really sure that's a great cure, but then, I have begun to doubt my pest-control abilities ever since I spotted a piece of fluff off my pajamas out of the corner of my eye the other night while watching TV, only to pluck it off and find that it was an extremely large beetle. That will take some getting over, people. I'm still squirming, in all honesty.
We see a bit more of Rebecca's attempt to broach with El Hornio the topic of their ailing relationship. I actually think the most awesome part is right at the beginning, when she rattles off the list of roles she's asked to play -- mother, girlfriend, friend -- and El Hornio claims she has to be "all of those." So, yeah, that includes "mom." So, you know, it's just..."Here, honey! Have some milk and cookies! And, would you like lick my ear?" It's not like she's a lot better, either. I mean, I'm with her when she says she wants her relationship to be with someone who doesn't yell at her, but did she have to throw in "takes care of me"? Because she kind of doesn't look like she needs it, so it almost looks like the helpless act, and there's nothing stupider than the helpless act. As they sit on the pavement later, El Hornio says, "You're making me look like the biggest asshole [I think; the word is actually silenced, and I'm really just gambling] in the country." "You're doing a good job of that by yourself," Rebecca says sadly. I'd buy that a lot more if she were a nicer person.
We are treated to even more falling-down footage from the roller-skiers at the Viking Detour. (Did you know Vikings were heavily into roller-skiing?) It's actually hard to believe there's this much more film of people racking themselves than they initially showed, but it's true.
Old news: Don and MJ take off with Hornio's car. How will it end? HOW?
Commercials: I will love Dennis Quaid until the day I die, no matter how weird it is. Have you seen The Big Easy, people? It's a really good story. It has nothing to do with the part where he's all, "That? Or that?," which I am not even thinking about, let alone thinking about and turning red.
In one of the best pieces of new stuff in the entire episode, we watch as Lena and Kristy approach the pit stop in Norway, and Kristy says that they need to get out the makeup. "I am not going to have nude lips when I see Phil," she says flatly. Kristy goes on to say, "We're putting lippy on [hee] because Phil," she says, dragging out the word "Phil" just a tad, "is a Choo-Choo Charlie and a class act." And mad props to the Eagle-Eyed Forum Poster who nabbed that as a Saturday Night Live Molly Shannon reference, which is not surprising, once you think about it. Of course, they cut directly from this to a nice shot of Phil smiling. And you know, Phil really is a Choo-Choo Charlie and a class act. I'd put lippy on, too. In fact, wait -- I do.
Aaaanyway, in old news, Kris and Jon finish first, and Meredith and Maria are out. We miss them. The AYL escorts us to Sweden in the laid-back way it has picked up during its travels in Scandinavia. Now, we get to see Rebecca begging the price of a sandwich off a random guy she meets on the train. She is employing the full "You know and I know you will not get sex, but I will let you think about it for thirty seconds if you buy me something" form of manipulation that has been working for men and women both since the fairy-tale days, when it was used to acquire domesticated dragons. Unfortunately, when Rebecca tries to get a piece of pizza for El Hornio, the guy draws the line, because that is not part of the script. There is no food for boyfriends. When Rebecca returns to the little compartment with her sandwich, El Hornio tells her he overheard the whole exchange, and he pouts about how he knows she begged food for herself and got nothing for him. Rebecca first offers him "a bite," and then "some bread," and then finally, after he's already said no, she moves up to offering him half. "I'm happy that you're hot and that everybody wants to buy you something," he says unhappily. She snort-laughs most unappealingly and doesn't even stop chewing. I have no idea how he resists her.
At the ice bar, we get to see Jonathan try to jump up on the ice sculpture of a bull, which results in his snapping off parts of it, including the horns. "Sorry!" he calls out weakly. He claims in a cab interview that he felt terrible when he snapped off the horns and the tail. I suppose that, since they were made of ice, it never occurred to him that fragility might be an issue. And how would it. I mean, would they make cubes out of ice if it were a fragile substance? "I made an idiot out of myself," he says, offering the single comment he will put forth during the entire race with which I can wholeheartedly agree, except that he seems to be referring to a specific incident.
Furthermore, Freddy and Kendra have an argument, outside Ikea, about money. He explains that they'll be sleeping on the ground, and Kendra apparently objects on the basis that they should sleep in a hotel, because she is a great big baby. She accuses Freddy of "being cheap," which she apparently was not anticipating in this situation in which they are operating on limited funds and might want to keep some money available for, you know, transportation and stuff. She insists that there's "plenty of money" for a hotel room, but Freddy disagrees. He asks her impatiently whether she intends to "sit in a hotel room and order room service," and, somewhat hilariously, she takes offense at this, as if it's so unfair of him to suggest that just because she wants to get a hotel and is too good to sleep on the ground, she would do anything frivolous like order room service. As if! Well, she never!
Counting/building Detour. "68...80." Jonathan and Victoria have a lengthy and arduous yelling match over the pegs that go with the desk. We watch an interview in which Aaron explains that he "taunted" Jonathan a little bit, mostly because he was pissed off at what Jonathan was saying to Victoria. Such as, perhaps, this clip where Jonathan calls her "a fucking invalid today." And...does anyone even use the word "invalid" without irony anymore? I'm thinking the clock has run on that one. The staff of the Ikea looks on with horror as Spazpants goes through its lengthy and uncoordinated Dance of Misery. Don and MJ, on the other hand, have a perfectly pleasant time finishing the desk, even though, as we know, by the time they're working on the desk, they've already burned themselves out on the counting. Aww. "I think this friggin' thing is done," Don says finally. They share their little kiss. There are actually things more important than screaming for no good reason, as it turns out. I knew there was something I was forgetting.
Hay Bale Heartbreak. Goodbye, Lena and Kristy.
Also old news: Kendra and Freddy argued over money some more. Sleeping on the floor versus cabs, blah dee blah. And then, 3500 miles to Senegal. New stuff: Hornio tries to speak French to their driver, but when they ask him, "Parlez-vous français?," he answers, "Yes." Unfortunately, when they ask him how many cemeteries are in the area, he also answers, "Yes." They are beginning to think that this fellow's language skills may not be all they seem. Or, I guess, that they're what they seemed before he was heard to speak any English.
In the extended dance mix of Kris's Pretty American sequence, she follows her comments about how "enlightening" it is to visit other cultures by saying: "Most Americans have this idea that their culture is the only one out there, that it is the elite." Snarky-ass cut to Jonathan shrieking at a bunch of cab drivers about how he wants one who speaks English. "And that everyone else is just 'unfortunate.'" Snarky-ass cut to Hayden climbing into a cab and talking about how "gross" it is. Back to Kris, who says, "If I see 'ugly American' behavior on the race, it's really going to bug me." Snarky-ass cut to Freddy arguing with his cab driver over five dollars, followed by Kendra saying "ghetto Africa." Think the show doesn't know when people are assholes? Yeah. It does. And Kris rules. And I'm so glad a few people were tagging along to act human, for God's sake.
Remember how Jonathan made his brilliant alliance with Ejal? And gave the children candy? And Victoria thought that he would be a great father? And how the teams stacked fish and went fishing? And puked over the side of the boat? Well, we see much of it again. The best thing added to the salt-hauling is slightly more footage of Don talking about how much he loves MJ. He tells us that he remembers when he fell in love with her at Stanford, which was his first real love, and that he didn't think he could love her more, but now he does. Of course, I am distracted by the repeat opportunity to second-guess people's strategy, as I often do, and I notice that many of the people who did well with this Roadblock were wearing some kind of a visor or a hat that may have helped keep salt water from dripping into their eyes as they worked, which would seem to be an advantage considering that you're going to get your hair wet, and you don't want it all to drip down and blind you. I often require a similar strategy on the elliptical trainer, lest wisps of my hair drip sweat into my eyes and force me to blink helplessly right through the part where my iPod blasts salsa music to ward off impending death. But I digress. Anyway, the most unfortunate thing added to this sequence is that Lori and Bolo had trouble getting away from the locals on shore, due to what was apparently yet another fare dispute of some kind. Unwisely, one of the guys hangs on to Bolo's backpack strap as they're trying to leave, and unsurprisingly, Bolo's voice begins to rise as he tells the guy not to actually grab him. That's probably as close to a physical confrontation as I've ever seen a racer get with a local. Pretty tense, that moment. As Lori nears the cab, Bolo yells to her not to give the guy who's hassling her any more money, but to just get in the car so they can go.
In an effort to lighten the mood, the show offers Hayden and Aaron very half-assedly singing along with their cab driver. Not happening, people. You put a more fun couple in that cab and that's a great moment, but with these guys, I have to say, it looks completely forced. I find them so weirdly non-engaging, and for them to have been around for six episodes and me to have no particular opinion about their staying or going is more than a little unusual. I don't have anything against them, I just...who cares? They are the English muffin of the race. (I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense unless you know that I have discerned over time that English muffins are the one item on Earth about which I feel one hundred percent neutral, being neither pro- or anti-, as far as nooks and crannies.)
The teams get held up in Senegalese traffic, and Ejal explains to Jonathan that the holdup is the result of the fact that the president of Senegal is in town and creating all sorts of chaos. "The president of Senegog [sic] has blocked the road," Jonathan says in disbelief. And as he walks back toward the car, he says into the camera, "The president of Senegog is now in town." Victoria asks him at the cab what the deal is. "The president of Senegog is here today," he says. The Peppy Love Theme From What An Asshole plays as Jonathan talks to Ejal. Yes, that's three uses of the non-word "Senegog" in about ten seconds. I must admit that that moment, more than any other, made me really wonder whether at least some part of this really is a put-on. Can he possibly be stupid enough not to know the name of the country? Is he doing that to get on TV? The good thing is that it doesn't matter much, because a guy who thinks pretending to be an idiotic, wife-shoving, verbally abusive jerk is funny is just about as fucked-up as a guy who actually is all those things. So, if it's an act, it's not an act, if you get my drift.
Commercials. Chapstick will keep you from drying out. Hurry up and get some. Look how gross your mouth is. Who would kiss you?
When we return, we hear "Senegog" one more time, and then the teams make it to the ferry. What's news in this section is that after Spazpants gets held up and misses the first ferry, Jonathan tries to avoid being tied with Lori and Bolo by asking the boat guy to "detain" the rasslers and tell them they have the wrong tickets. I swear that there used to be a rule against intentionally impeding other teams' progress, but maybe there wasn't. Or there isn't anymore, which wouldn't surprise me, given how hard somebody seems to be working this season to slop up what used to be my favorite show. Despite Jonathan's plea, however, the boat guy does absolutely nothing to help him, as Lori and Bolo happily clamber onto the ferry with Spazpants. On the ferry, we also see El Hornio make a rather more concerted effort to discuss Rebecca's behavior than we saw. When he tells her how stupid it makes him feel when she yells at him as she did at the salt Roadblock, she sarcastically snipes, "I know. I should handle you more like a child." You know...if that's the way you feel about the guy, sister, don't bring him on the fucking trip to begin with. I hate people who bring teammates for whom they have nothing but contempt. If you hate the guy, then you may well be within your rights, but then...don't hang out with him, because then all you're doing is tormenting him. Short version? These people need to get away from each other, and it needs to happen, like, yesterday. And keep in mind, "yesterday" was already months ago.
Don and MJ check in last, but they are non-eliminated. Yay!
Remember the slavery monument? Yeah, that was sad. We watch Gus again, giving the Emmy speech, but we now get to see a very interesting Hera interview as well, in which she talks about her extensive thoughts during the race about "what it means to carry an American passport." And you can tell that she has been through a few rounds of "Wow, people really hate us," and knows that her passport has a few meanings other than "Woooo!" She says that she was reminded at the monument of what other people had to endure in order for her to be able to grow up as an American. "I come from everything that America is," she says. "And part of America is the ugliness of slavery." Amen to that, my dear. She is just a lovely person. It's so weird how this season has delivered the biggest dickweeds ever, but also some of the really nicest folks in quite some time.
And now, in a scene so funny it could be from a Robert Altman movie, Spazpants adopts another African local to help them, and it turns out that this guy has an agenda. He undoubtedly sees the cameras and the production, and it appeals to him. And why? Because, like half of the rest of the people on the planet Earth, he has written a movie. And he wants Jonathan to...I don't know, read it? Take it back to Hollywood? Whatever. Anyway, Jonathan asks the guy what his movie is about. The guy, speaking English with an accent that's fairly difficult to penetrate, informs Jonathan that the movie is about "common value we have in us." He gestures to a little girl, saying it's about her, and how she was told, "Go and never come back." Jonathan takes all of this in. "So...it's about a dog? A dog?" "No, man," the guy tells him. That was awesome. It would have been better if the guy had punched him in the mouth, but you can't have everything.
Remember "breeding and breeding"? Yeah, we're all kind of trying to forget that part, because in a lot of ways, it's seriously disgusting. "She needs to go work in a foreign country for a couple of years," says Miss Alli's Dad as this clip runs again, "and maybe she'd straighten up." Right on, Daddy-O.
Not that anyone is suggesting you observe the direct contrast between people who completely suck and people who completely rock or anything, but we move directly from Kendra's gross "breeding" remarks to Kris and Jon, who are hanging out on the beach during their down time in Africa. "It's beautiful out here," he comments. They snuggle out in the water. Before you get too "chicka-wocka" about it, there is also wholesome family fun, as we watch little kids jumping into what looks like a shallow little lagoon, and then watch Kris walking in the water as one hangs onto her back. Awww. She laughs with the kids as she voices over that she has spent some time studying Africa, so it "holds a very special place in [her] heart." And then another kid jumps on with the first kid, and Kris swims with both of them hanging on, just like you would in your neighborhood pool. Gee, do you think she brought any candy? As kids flock around her, she explains that she loved hanging out with them. Her boyfriend, unsurprisingly, is having a "Damn, damn, damn" moment as he marvels at Kris's ease in the unfamiliar surroundings. And, of course, at how hot she is. And seriously, who doesn't look hot frolicking with little kids? It's kind of weird, but it's true. Jon explains that he's learning a lot about Kris, and they're getting to spend time together in a way they haven't been able to before, and in one of my favorite shots, just as it starts to look like he's off to the side watching while she does all the interacting, he drifts into the shot, also with a little girl hanging onto his back. "She's amazing," Jon says of Kris. My goodness, they are delightful.
Airport. "Just because you're 5'5" and on steroids," yap yap yap. It's pretty ugly, but my favorite part is where Bolo calls Kendra "Mouth." Because...exactly. You don't know the half of it, dude.
Anyway, we then find ourselves in Berlin. Where, as it turns out, El Hornio has a hard time not following the "stop following me!" tirade from Spazpants with a little more needling of some kind. On the train to the Berlin Wall, Rebecca asks El Hornio not to go starting anything. Man, there's a fight I would have enjoyed seeing. Can you imagine those two guys going at it? All screaming and crying...awesome. I'm telling you, Rebecca ruins everything. Hornio discusses the fact that Jonathan hates Rebecca, but they further agree that she doesn't care about being hated by Jonathan. Yeah, me, neither.
In a piece of footage that's kind of hard to explain -- because there's nothing wrong with it, and yet Hayden comes off badly in it -- she explains that she only knew the Berlin Wall from pictures, and that she was expecting something more "magnificent." On the one hand, it really is just a wall, so...yeah. But on the other hand, something about this makes it sound like she thought there would be a gift shop and a Ferris wheel, so that's a little odd as well. "Big piece of history," she adds, trying to sound grave, probably hoping it won't come off quite so much like she expected it to be more entertaining.
Beer and brats Detour. Remember how Gus dug the beer? In the car after they leave, he insists to Hera that the beer was "low-alcohol." Oh, and he was thirsty. Hera's in the back seat rolling her eyes, like, "Oy." He insists that he once had a beer named after him, and that he spent six months doing taste tests, so he knows weak beer when he tastes it. You know, I remember breaking it to my mother that if she was buying beer in the grocery store in our state, she was evidently buying 3.2 beer, which she wasn't even aware of, because you can't buy real beer in the grocery store here. (The reasons why are political and complicated. Don't ask, unless you want to spend a thousand years studying Minnesota legislative history.) Maybe Gus is used to drinking on the frozen tundra.
Stupid soapbox derby Roadblock no one cares about. Worst Roadblock ever, quite possibly. No one even crashed and had to be removed from their little toy car with the Handsaw of Life.
And in the Piece Of Footage That Ruined The Moderator's Season, we watch an extended version of the Spazpants Shovefest, only instead of repeating the actual shove (which has already been shown repeatedly), the sequence is cranked up with even more of Jonathan's verbal haranguing, including his screech of, "Why did you pick it up, you idiot?" She cries more. "You should cry," he declares. And I maintain, and will always maintain, that by far the creepiest and worst thing about that sequence was not the belt to her backpack, which I think could have gone by with relatively little discussion in the absence of the far more disturbing stream of verbal abuse heaped upon that woman in that exchange. If that -- any part of that, any shred of that -- was done because it was supposed to be a "character," or it was supposed to get camera time, or it was supposed to make anybody famous? Then, as previously mentioned, the sick-fuck quotient is running at least as high as if it were entirely genuine, so from my point of view? I couldn't care less if it is or isn't being done for attention.
Commercials. Am I really ready for Rob Morrow again? I am not certain. The decline of Northern Exposure into a morass of self-aware quirkiness was so heartbreaking that I just don't know if I can follow him again. (Remember Anthony Edwards as Bubble Guy? I mean, seriously.)
When we return, we finish off the Shovefest incident with Phil's admonition to Jonathan and Jonathan's complete failure to Get It. I find it extra-gratifying to watch Phil's face when Jonathan grabs his hand, and enjoy the way he seriously looks like he's about to throw up. I'll never beat the M. Giant translation: "Oh, that'll have to come off now."
Anyway. ANYWAY. Don and MJ get there last, and are Philiminated. But Don still thinks his wife rocks, which she does. You guys are awesome. Let's go to the movies. I'll pay. Wait, you get the senior discount, right?
The leg begins. At Olympic Stadium, Kendra and Freddy fight -- again, some more -- about "research" during their down time. "You're acting foolish," he finally tells her, and even though she pretty much is foolish, I must add that he also needs to not talk to her like that. I could also live without the ensuing "Lower your voice and calm down," because it's not third grade, and she's not a child, and if she needs behavior corrections, her boyfriend is not a good person from whom to get them. Having your knuckles slapped with a ruler is sexy only under carefully controlled conditions, and none of them involve do-rags and body odor in the middle of the night.
Bungee! Girl power! Zzzzzing! As Rebecca gets strapped in, El Hornio asks Bolo whether he "wimped out" of doing the Roadblock. Bolo adopts a clichéd, effeminate, quite possibly Adamesque voice as he lisps, "I wimped out on this, I just don't want to do anything that's so scary." Lisping is a little bit over, there, Bolo, but I see what you're getting at, and it's pretty cool that El Hornio is laughing, apparently unaware that he will later be seen on television screaming for his Mommy at a moment of weakness. As Rebecca is about to go, El Hornio asks her if he can have her PowerBars if she dies. And Bolo would like to know whether she has a living will. Hee hee. "Everyone, suck it!" she yells. And...I am generally annoyed by her, but...exactly. Sometimes in life, there is simply nothing that can compete with, "Everyone, suck it!" Recognizing those moments is one of the keys to happiness. I know some of you will not agree with me. To you, I say, "Everyone, suck it!" See?
Budapest. Remember the little Trabants? It turns out that, before they could leave, the teams had to fill them up with gas, which we didn't even get to see the first time. When Jon goes to open their container of gas, it splashes up and gets the front of his pants good and soaked. There is a brief silence. "Sweet," he finally says with good-natured sarcasm. Kris laughs and says, "That sucks," already heading for the backpacks to help him out. He gets out of his pants (yay!), while Kris unearths a pair of shorts from his pack. They're still laughing as he changes clothes. Lori and Bolo, on the other hand, argue as they try to fill the tank. The really brilliant part is that, somehow, they manage to cut the sequence so that it looks like Bolo locks Lori under the hood. But not in a mean way. It's hard to explain, but you have to believe me -- really funny. Oh, and before they leave, Hornio has to argue about the car, because Adam wants to check the tires and so forth, and Rebecca thinks that's a big boring boo-hoo thing, because who cares whether your tires are about to explode? She is a great example of a person who is not funny, but is incredibly disruptive because she thinks she is. I would swat her with a tennis racquet if only I had one. Well, and if I could travel into my TV, which I guess is the bigger stumbling block, physics-wise.
By far the best new driving footage is that of Jon scooting the car along with his foot. "Everybody outta my way!" he calls as the car inches along and Kris laughs and laughs. "Meeeeet the Flintstones," she sings from the back seat. "I did the Flintstone thing to figure it out," he agrees. And she laughs in the back seat, now possessed by a serious and unmanageable case of the giggles. "Is this the right way?" he asks her. "Yeah," she chokes out, still laughing. I love people who reduce me to that state, so I'm thinking they're both lucking out in this relationship. Love them! (In case you couldn't tell.) (Sometimes, I am all cryptic and shit.)
Not so much loving Hayden and Aaron, whom we see punked out by the side of the road, waiting for a rescue. Aaron makes a deal with the guy who finally comes to help them, that they'll meet him up at the nearby exit, which is very close, and makes perfect sense, because otherwise, the guy would presumably have to bring the car all the way back to the exit and work his way back up in order to get back to them. Much easier to just scoot the dead car up to the exit so that they guy can come right there. Hayden refuses to accept this, insisting that Aaron not push the car up to the exit. "Aaron, you have not done anything right today," she says. Lovely. That's hot. That's going to get her a lot of pit-stop sex. In fact, Hayden goes so far as to try to physically impede Aaron's attempt to push the car, even after he has it rolling. She (but no one watching) gets lucky when the car does not roll over her whiny ass. Unsurprisingly, they are eventually rescued, and for some reason, they wind up both apologizing, which seems unnecessary to me. Whatever.
Cannon/catapult. Yeah, that was a tough call.
And then things in this episode come to a rapid and unsatisfying conclusion as Lori and Bolo lag, and they look doomed, and that pretty much brings you up to date. Will the rasslers find a way out? Will something else happen? Will another elimination ever air? You will just have to tune in week when it appears that we will finally find out the answers to these questions. Until then, Happy New Year. No, seriously. Happy New Year! My count is that I wrote ninety-eight recaps in 2004. (Doesn't that suck? Where are those last two I needed for my million-dollar bonus?) All you nice people make me feel slightly less crazy for that, and I don't mean that in the bad way.