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Oh, so much ugly this week. Kendra opines winningly on all the "breeding" going on in Senegal, and she doesn't mean manners. 'Cause girl ain't got none. Things between Hayden and Bolo get heated while they're in line at a travel office, and not in the nice way. And at the Pit Stop at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate, Jonathan treats Victoria so badly that Phil intervenes. Seriously, it's really kind of upsetting. Jonathan sucks. In other news, Gus is moved by a monument to slavery and then really likes beer; Kris and Jon recover from a bum steer in Germany during which their Amazing Cameraman captures some rare footage of Kris not smiling; Hornio gets yelled at by Jonathan (who still sucks), then cheerfully goes on to make sausage and dick jokes; and Don and MJ fail to get out of last place. So that "non-elimination leg" from last week turned out to be a "not-quite-yet-elimination leg." I wonder if they're going to give back the money they begged off of the other teams? Also, did I mention that Jonathan sucks? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Mark Burnett dumped six hours' worth of reality TV season finales on Miss Alli in one week, hence your humble sub for this episode. But not to worry: along with my wife Trash and my friend Bitter, Miss Alli was at my side during the broadcast, answering questions for me like "What if they don't have enough cash to buy plane tickets?" and "Who's the guy with the accent?" and "This is, like, a race, right?" So now I'm totally up to speed.
Previously! Kendra renamed the Republic of Senegal "Ghetto, Africa." But Don appreciated it until he, like Hera, found himself puking over the side of a fishing boat. Bolo and Lori bickered, as they do. Don wept over MJ's show of brute strength, which wasn't brute enough to get them out of last place. But they were spared by a non-elimination leg, which made me happy until I volunteered to sub this week. Now I have to recap eight teams instead of seven. Who will be eliminated ?
Well, I know who it won't be, because three of those teams are already gone. You can't fool me, you wily credits.
There's a statue of a man and a woman wearing broken shackles that's going to figure prominently in this week's first segment. Phil tells us that Goree Island, off the coast of Senegal, was "the epicenter of the African slave trade for more than three hundred years, and thus is the ideal setting for a television game show." Except for the last part. He really just says that it's the fourth Pit Stop. Phil again explains about Don's and MJ's being non-eliminated over a shot of Phil counting their money as they hand it over. Why does he do that? Does he get to keep it? Phil asks us whether MJ and Don be able to get out of last place and stay in the race. If you want to be surprised, skip the word. No.
Kris and Jon rip open their clue at 12:52 AM. It tells them to find The Slave House, "where captured men, women, and children were held before being sent to the New World as slaves." Cheery. Kris interviews that she and Jon are playing without alliances, and that they have respect for each other. LIAR! Oh, not really.
At the other end of the functionality spectrum, Jonathan and Victoria take off at 2:18 AM. This week, Jonathan's departure hat is a heavy black knit cap adorned with a white gothic cross on the front. I don't get him. You're going to be traveling around the world for up to a month, carrying only what you can fit in one backpack. Why the hell would you want to fill it with fugly hats? Jonathan interviews that he and Victoria have won second place in three legs, but that he's frustrated that "we" can't "get it together" to "fight for the number one position." Yes, I think he's put his finger on their weakness: not enough fighting.
Lori and Bolo head out at 2:19 AM. She interviews that she and Bolo "butt heads," but that loves him. As they explore the streets of Goree Island, she gives him flak about not having his headlamp. I think that if he did have it on, she would find butting heads to be a lot more painful.
At 2:20 AM, Hayden's VO cops to some snippiness, but claims she wouldn't want another partner. Team Nuance leaves one minute later, revealing that all but one team gets $80 for the leg. They quickly catch up with Hayden and Aaron and have a little conference by the light of their headlamps. Kendra interviews that their strategy is to play low-key, and that their alliance with Hayden and Aaron will probably last to the very end. Assuming both teams do, she doesn't add.
Hornio takes off at 2:22, with El Hornio VO-ing that he's not thrilled with their performance so far. As he and Rebecca walk along, they agree that they need to stop following other people so much, while sheepishly acknowledging that right now they're doing just that. "I'd love to get out of Africa," Rebecca says. "I can see why so many people escaped." For that, I'd like to see her get penalized by having to carry a hardcover copy of Roots in her backpack for the rest of the leg.
Gus and Hera hit the road at 2:45. Gus interviews that Hera has blossomed, and that she's now very "focused" and "driven." I think she might also be more respectful of her dad than when they started out, but he doesn't mention that. They find the Slave House, and Hera peers at the statue, wondering "if they knew what they were getting into." Gus wonders why there would be any reason to tell them.
Don and MJ are the last to leave, at 4:28. That's a much bigger gap than last week's ending led us to believe. They're unbowed, however, and MJ vows, "If we have to sing and dance, we'll get the money. I wonder why they haven't done anything about raising funds for the past twelve hours, but I guess that's just me.
Kris and Jon get to the Slave House, and a tall local in a striking blue dashiki hands her a small scroll. It's very much not a clue, which would be kind of unseemly. We then see each of the teams read part of the message in one of those montages where different people are reading different bits and it's all cut together to make a whole. It explains the significance of The Slave House and says that it opens at 8:30 AM. It looks like the race will be basically temporarily suspended so that the contestants can be asked to pay their respects. The teams are to walk one at a time through the Slave House to the Door of No Return, which was the spot where captured slaves were loaded onto the ships to the New World. Once there, each team must place a single rose on the ground in tribute.
The sun rises on the slave statue, and on the teams waiting quietly to go inside. The door opens. Kris and Jon go first, placing their rose and taking the time to say a prayer. The other teams follow, one at a time. It's not treated like a task, or even as part of the race. It's more like an interlude. One by one, the teams walk solemnly through the house, place their roses, stand there for a respectful moment, and walk back. This is all underscored by dramatic music and intercut with shots of the slave statue, particularly the broken chain links. Gus is particularly moved; he calls a halt inside the house, and sobs openly while Hera waits, patient and quietly supportive, until he's ready to proceed. Sorry, all of my jokes about African-Americans who are emotionally overwhelmed by forceful reminders of the history of slavery are on back-order. Don and MJ are the last to leave, and he also looks deeply affected as he takes their clue envelope.
On the way to the ferry off the island, Gus tries to apologize to Hera for "embarrassing" her, but no such thought appears to have occurred to her. They're sweet. He didn't cry at his parents' funerals, he says, but he felt a rare connection to a part of himself in the Slave House, and he voices-over the hope that the others realize the "magnitude of the human experience that's incorporated in this race we run." I'm sure Rebecca in particular gave special thought to all those people who had escaped. Bye, slave statue!
Kris reads the clue out loud. Now the teams are off to Berlin -- specifically, the remains of the Berlin Wall. Phil explains how they're going to get there -- a three-thousand-mile flight followed by a train ride -- as we see one of the few sections of the Wall that are still standing. It's now covered with murals, which I support completely. I'm sure the people of Berlin will be relieved to hear that. But, man, first the Slave House and now this? What is this, "Great Downers in History" week? Kris is happy and excited. I love Kris's relentlessly positive attitude, but typing "Kris is happy and excited" is going to get old in a hurry and I'm not going to be covering this show long enough to program a macro. So just assume that whatever I say about Kris's emotional displays from here on out, I really mean that Kris is happy and excited.
Kris and Jon, Lori and Bolo, and Jonathan and Victoria get to the dock just in time to see the ferry departing. The one leaves at 9:30, which is plenty of time for even Don and MJ to catch up. While waiting for the ferry, Don and MJ look around themselves at the residents of Goree Island, part of one of the poorest nations in the world, and they just can't bring themselves to ask the locals for money. Yeah, I feel them there. You do that, and you're never going to be able to look Pernell Roberts in the eye again. So they start hitting up the other teams instead. To Don and MJ's credit, their competitors cough up what they can spare rather than kicking them back to the locals. Rebecca, after discussing it with El Hornio, even brings over a fiver without being asked. Jonathan, of course, instantaneously burns off all of his credit and more by condescendingly snapping a twenty at them, all "Go get yourselves something nice." After all the teams have kicked in, Don and MJ have a quiet conference: "We have more than some of the other people. Don't tell anybody how much money we have." Heh. And good for them.
Jonathan does some of his mental magic to draft a local into helping him find a travel agency when they get to the mainland. Everyone boards the ferry. During the crossing, Hayden and Aaron and Nuance make a pact to buy tickets for each other. Good, that always turns out well. The ferry docks back in Dakar and teams scramble for taxis. Hayden and Aaron, Nuance, and the wrestlers are on their way to the airport. Bolo clarifies that he doesn't want a discount flight "with the goats and sheep." Nice. In Don and MJ's cab, she claims that she looks forty years older than when they left. During the close-up of her that the editors thoughtfully provide so we can judge for ourselves, I mentally backdate her face four decades and realize that, at the beginning of the race, MJ was in fact none other than Ghostbusters-era Sigourney Weaver.
Jonathan and Victoria are still on foot, as are Gus and Hera, and apparently both teams are headed to the travel agent. So is Hornio, but they're going in a cab. Kris and Jon are getting directions to the agency from locals. Kris bursts into tears and collapses in an inconsolable heap.
Hayden asks her cab driver how he's doing, and he returns the courtesy. Everyone smiles. Meanwhile, Kendra is sitting in her cab with Freddy, bitching that they're stuck in traffic. Indeed, their cab driver isn't a particularly aggressive specimen, as they get passed by both Don and MJ and the wrestlers. Kendra now takes a moment to audition for a commercial for the Dakar Tourism Board: "This city is wretched and disgusting. And they just keep breeding and breeding. And this poverty. I can't take it." You hear that, people of Senegal? Stop breeding! Kendra says so. That is all. Meanwhile, their cab driver looks in his rearview mirror like he may be about to get quite a bit more aggressive, but not in a way that Kendra will like. Someone should warn him that all the local poverty she can't take is something she won't hesitate to use against him when it comes time to pay the fare. I really hope Kendra gets a chance to ride a train in India.
A bunch of teams find an Air France office. Jonathan and Victoria are the first to get booked on a 7:15 PM flight to Berlin, closely followed by Gus and Hera and Hornio. Then all three teams are in cabs to the airport. Kris and Jon are right behind them. After they get their tickets, Kris lies down for a nap on the spot.
At the Air France office at Dakar Airport, Hayden and Aaron get to the counter first, and other teams are right behind them. Happily for those who love drama, none of those teams is Nuance. Hayden secures tickets for her own team while Lori and Bolo crowd behind her. Hayden tries to get tickets for Nuance as well, but Bolo immediately calls foul. "They shouldn't be allowed to do that," he complains. Hayden schoolmarmishly tries to tell them not to "make a scene." She's trying to be above all this, like she's thinking, "These people are embarrassing me while I'm just minding my own business and doing something sketchy." Like if they had any manners at all, they would just stand there quietly and let her screw them. Get off your high horse, Hayden. Lori and Bolo object to "cutting in line," which gives Hayden an opening to protest that she's not cutting in line. Obviously, she's being disingenuous, because she knows exactly what Bolo's objecting to, even if he's not articulating it clearly. This is a man who conjugated the phrase "Me are," after all.
Nuance arrives outside, with no idea of what they're about to wade into. They try to get into the office, but Bolo's starting to get pissed off and is telling people to shut up, including Hayden. Aaron -- his heart clearly not in it, but knowing he'll hear about it from his girlfriend later if he doesn't step in -- tells Bolo to shut his mouth. Bolo -- clearly glad to now have an opponent he's allowed to intimidate physically -- tries to step around Hayden, demanding, "What are you going to do about it?" Hayden blocks Bolo's path, telling him, "You're not going to fight. Lower the testosterone a bit."
And then it gets personal. Hayden calls Bolo "5'5" and on steroids." Oh, don't do that. Leaving aside the likelihood that all of these contestants probably had to undergo drug testing before they were allowed to do this (and, by the way, I hope for Victoria's sake that Jonathan's anti-psychotic meds are waiting for him at Sequesterville so that he can get rebalanced, stat), it's just a dumb idea ever to assume that anyone is on steroids, at least to his face. It's even worse than assuming someone is pregnant, because with steroids there's no upside to being right. You're either wrong and embarrassed, or you're right and staring down the barrel of a 'roid-fueled curbstomping. Whoops, I said "staring down." Sorry, Bolo. Figure of speech. Bolo denies being on steroids, in a fairly reasonable tone under the circumstances. We go to commercial wondering if the floor of the ticket office is going to be awash in blood and teeth when we come back.
In fact, we come back to see Hayden backing down, as she should. Not that she's completely called a halt to her little acro-equestrian routine. She confirms that she and Aaron are booked while Kendra taps on the door to get in. Hayden dispatches Aaron to tell Nuance to get their own tickets because there's "too much commotion." There's more than a little of the "let the baby have his bottle" attitude about that, but Bolo clamps right onto that nipple and apologizes, even reaching up and patting Hayden companionably on the shoulder. And they're all friends again. "And I'm not on steroids," he adds. I'm inclined to believe him, although I do suspect that he and Lori do a lot of their grocery shopping at General Nutrition Centers. Hayden laughs. And after all that hooraw, everyone gets on the same flight anyway. Team Nuance is the last to get tickets. Hey, guys, here's an airport nuance you may not be aware of: try to get to them faster.
As the single Amazing Yellow Line cruises up to Berlin via Paris, Phil explains that they'll have to get themselves to the East Side Gallery of the Berlin Wall. The clue box is somewhere along the half-mile stretch of the Wall. I always imagined the Wall being taller than that, although I guess it's plenty tall. It's not like anyone could have just vaulted over it back then, especially with all the razor wire and searchlights and guns and stuff.
Everyone dashes for cabs at the Berlin airport. Team Nuance is first. "It's a big difference from ghetto third world," Kendra observes. If Freddy really liked her, he'd get her to stop talking when cameras are running. Kris and Jon are in second. Kris sticks her head out the window as far as she can, begging the cabbie to drive closer to oncoming traffic so that her miserable existence might finally come to an end. Hornio tries to figure out how to tell their driver, in German, to go fast, but all they can come up with is "Fahrvergnügen." Thanks for making me look that up, bitches. In the fourth-place taxi, Jonathan rhapsodizes, "Beautiful city." And then he ruins it by saying reverently, "You gotta have an appreciation for the people that make Mercedes." Hayden wishes her driver guten morgen. In sixth place, Gus observes again that "the game is afoot," while Hera looks determined. Don and MJ are still wandering around the damn terminal looking for the taxi stand while Lori and Bolo are already there, securing their seventh-place spot. Do Don and MJ ask for the back row on planes or something? They find a cabbie who's ready and willing to get them to the train station. He explains on the way that they'll want to take the train called the "S-bahn." Nuance arrives at the train station, where a ticket agent also directs them to the S-bahn. Kris and Jon, naturally, once again trust the advice of a random stranger and find themselves heading underground to the "U-bahn." The "U," of course, stands for "Uh-oh." Once down there, they spot Jonathan and Victoria, who are being directed back up to the S-bahn by another stranger. Jon says, "No, we need the U-bahn." Uh-oh. See how easy that is to remember?
Hornio latches on behind Jonathan and Victoria. Jonathan spots them right below him on the escalator and asks, "You guys following us?" When they don't answer, he shakes his head in exasperation and stomps up the escalator away from them. "Jonathan, you're just so smart that we want to do everything you do!" Rebecca calls. Heh. Cut to a few moments later, when Jonathan is yelling at Hornio. The episode title proper is not actually uttered, but it's the gist of Jonathan's message. Victoria tries to back him up, and he thanks her for her support by interrupting his tirade, whirling on her, snapping, "No, no!" and shooing her away. Prick. I bet he's stingy with the Snausages, too. Both teams appear to get on the same train anyway, along with Nuance.
Kris and Jon are standing by the automatic ticket kiosks, while the person who directed Jonathan up to the S-bahn is still trying heroically to do the same for them. Kris looks confused and a little worried. No, seriously. And this is going to seem unkind, but, um, I can see why she smiles so much.
Hayden and Aaron arrive at the train station at roughly the same time as Gus and Hera. Journalistic integrity would compel me to comment that Hayden thanks her cab driver, if I had any. Bolo and Lori arrive soon after. Bolo asks a local for directions to "where they knocked the Berlin Wall down," making what he thinks is the universal gesture for swinging a hammer, but is really the universal gesture for something else. Unless "swinging the hammer" is what the kids are calling it these days. They too are directed to the S-train. Hayden and Aaron, Gus and Hera, and Kris and Jon get on the train, which leaves poor Lori and Bolo still stuck on the platform. Hayden give a cheery wave goodbye. Man, shit like that is going to bite her ass clean off, and then her pants are going to fall the rest of the way down. Don and MJ are just arriving at the train station as Lori and Bolo hop the train. The older team wanders around inside the station looking confused. And doomed.
At the Warschauer Strasse station (which I remember enough junior-high German to translate to "Warschauer Street"), Nuance, Hornio, and Jonathan and Victoria disembark from their train. They jog a couple of blocks to what's left of the Berlin Wall. Jonathan narrates for us what we can clearly see, which is that while the other teams went "inside the Wall" (whatever that means), he and Victoria went along the Wall. Sure enough, while the other teams are bumbling around, he and Victoria find the clue box, prompting the appearance on my screen of those hated words, "Jonathan & Victoria: Currently in 1st Place." Dammit. Just for a second, I kind of miss the razor wire and searchlights and guns and stuff. They jump into a cab. Their destination is quite a mouthful for Victoria. Phil's VO doesn't even try to pronounce it for her. Instead, he explains that they have to go through downtown Berlin to a church that was partially destroyed during World War II -- or, more accurately, to a sculpture of gigantic broken chain links that stands across the street from the church. Broken chains are very big this week. I wonder if they'll inspire Victoria to get a divorce. Anyway, they're already on their way.
The train carrying the second group of three teams discharges them at the Wall. Kris and Jon are in the lead. Kris is a portrait in angst and ennui. Hayden and Aaron try to keep up with them, but Gus and Hera don't. Gus's VO draws a parallel between the depths of human degradation in Africa and Europe. He expresses wonder that humans are capable of so much horror.
Somehow the Amazing Editors are able to resist the temptation to cut immediately to Jonathan. Instead, Lori and Bolo get off the train near the Wall. Hornio and Nuance have gone pretty far afield. Nuance slithers under a locked metal grate that's about eight inches off the ground. Yeah, the producers are going to make Gus do that. Think, people. Eventually they get to the far end of the wall, having found bubkes. "Come on, Adam," Rebecca calls. "The Wall's done!" Isn't that the point?
Now Don and MJ are getting off the train and jogging to the Wall. MJ laughs tiredly, "Oh, God, these runs." Didn't anyone warn her about Senegalese food? Kris and Jon find the clue box and grab a cab, with Aaron and Hayden close behind. The latter team's taxi, by the way, has the phrase "PLAN-B" emblazoned on the side in large letters. It's nobody's fault, but what a wasted comic opportunity. Gus and Hera get themselves clued, and on their leisurely way back to the train station, they run into Nuance and Hornio trotting the opposite direction. "We overshot it," Rebecca admits as they dash by. "This is a perfect example," Hera finger-waggles to the camera, "of why running too fast can be bad." Another advantage to not running fast everywhere that is unique to Hera's situation is that your partner is less likely to drop dead on you. Seriously, though, I think it's kind of sweet of her to try to assuage any concerns Gus might have that he's slowing her down. Assuming that's what she's doing. They get a cab back at the station. Nuance and Hornio find clues and cabs. El Hornio tells his new cabdriver, "Turbo! Fahrvergnügen!" What's German for "shut up"?
The newly-clued wrestlers get themselves a cab. Lori tells the driver, "Run red lights. Run over people." It's doesn't bother me as much as when Christie did it, because (a) Lori's not serious, and (b) she's not instructing him to run over specific people. I don't know why I find that less offensive, but I do. Don and MJ, upon getting their clue, immediately pile into -- a train. Oh, for chrissakes.
Jonathan and Victoria are the first team to reach the clue at the "busted chain statue." It directs them to this week's Detour: Beer or Brats? My wife Trash and I always talk about which one we would do; this time we just say, "Beer!" before we even hear the tasks described. And not just because she's a vegetarian. In Beer, teams go to a Brauhaus (German for "Brewhouse," if memory serves) and look under patrons' beer steins to find beer mats with their pictures on them (the teams' pictures, not the patrons'). They have to collect five beer mats, but they can only get them by swapping pairs of full beer steins that they get from the bar. In Brats, teams go to a place called the Citadel (German for "citadel," but correct me if I'm wrong) and use a hand-operated sausage press to make a chain of bratwurst five links long, with each link measuring seven inches. The (ungloved) exposition hands are seen stuffing sticky wads of raw, gray-pink animal pulp into the mouth of the press and then pressing a lever to extrude it through a tube into empty sausage skins. Trash and I again say, "Beer," but much louder this time.
Victoria wants to do Brats, and Jonathan agrees. In the cab, Jonathan asks how hard it can be. Victoria pleasantly says they're about to find out. "Oh, please," Jonathan spits at her. Jonathan contemptuously says that he saw Lucy do it on I Love Lucy: "If she can do it, I can do it." Hey, Jonathan, you know what else Lucille Ball did? She died. My friend Bitter holds up her fingers two inches apart and says Victoria's going to be at a disadvantage on this task, "because she thinks this is seven inches."
Kris and Jon are the to the clue, and they get directions to the Brauhaus. Sadly, those directions involve getting on a train. The doors shut behind them. "Whoops!" says the orchestral flourish. Gus/Hera and Hayden/Aaron grab their Detour clues at almost the same time. Both teams are doing Beers. Aaron contentedly sits back in his cab, smiling and looking forward to drinking some beers. He plays with the word a little bit, pronouncing it like he's in that SNL sketch about the Chicago Bears fans: "Some beerss. DAH beersss." Which is amusing, but what makes it actually funny is the fact that right to him, Hayden is silently but actively stressing about the teams right behind them and gesturing frantically for their cabbie to get going already. She could use a couple of beersssss as well, I'm thinking. The wrestlers and Hornio arrive, and they both decide to do Brats. They're all on their way.
Nuance's cab pulls up to the Detour clue, and we get a rare shot of an Amazing Cameraman's Amazing Right Foot, stepping out of the taxi before it's even come to a full stop. Lest anyone think those guys don't work hard. Freddy and Kendra decide to do Beers, even though they don't know what steins are. Do they make contestants flunk a vocabulary quiz before they cast them these days? Meanwhile, Don and Mary Jane, currently in last place (a phrase that is now permanently burned into the lower right corner of my screen, so thanks, guys) wander around the train station near the church.
Jonathan and Victoria arrive at the sausage-making place and get right to work at a sausage press. Victoria slides the sausage skin over the tube with a facility that makes it very difficult for me not to speculate on her former career. She and Jonathan work together quietly, calmly, and productively. I bang on the side of my TV to get it working again.
At the Brauhaus, an older woman is wandering up and down the aisles playing the accordion. I wonder if she's always there, or if she's Jerry Bruckheimer's aunt. Aaron and Hayden hit the Brauhaus and start bothering the drinkers. I think Aaron's got three beers in each hand. That's going to get heavy fast. Nuance arrives and gets to work with a better strategy: they split up a little, and Freddy actually picks people's beers up and looks under them. They quickly secure two coasters.
At the Citadel, real sausage-masters (wurstmeisters, unless I'm just making that up) laugh at Jonathan and Victoria as they measure what looks to be their third link.
Back at the bar, Hayden and Aaron have adopted Nuance's strategy, and the two teams run neck and neck to four coasters each.
And at the plaza near the church, Don and MJ are lost and frustrated and about ready to plotz. Geddit? Because platz is German for -- oh, never mind.
But right now, you need to worry more about buying the stuff in these commercials for Christmas, or your family won't love you.
Don and MJ are about ready to start walking all around the plaza again, until Don spots the "goddamn clue box." They pull the clue. "I always wanted to make sausage," Don says in their cab to the Citadel.
Jonathan and Victoria tie off their fifth link and get their clue. "We're in front, we're in front," Jonathan says. I don't know how he knows he's ahead of the teams that picked Beer, but whatever. The clue and the Phil VO tells them to go five miles to Teufelsberg, which is German for "Devil's Mountain" (I didn't know that last part; Phil said it). Jonathan and Victoria head out. She points out that he's got her bag, and he moves to give it back to her, but she says it's okay and picks his up. "Oh, yours is so much lighter than mine. Are you kidding me?" Which is all it takes to end Jonathan's good mood. "Let's go," he snaps. "I want to go to a cab. Let's go."
Lori and Bolo are arriving just then, and Jonathan screams at her to hurry so they can grab their cab. Which is a valid thing to want to do, but it really only takes one of them to hold the taxi while the other catches up. And there's probably a way to communicate it without shrieking. Victoria runs to catch up with Jonathan. "Every time I tell you we have a head start, you always sit there lazy," he bitches. Maybe you need to stop telling her that, then. Victoria tells him to leave her alone. "I never promised to leave you alone," Jonathan said. "That's why I married you." And then he tries to pretend he doesn't find himself clever. That doesn't even make sense. Unless all of his other marital prospects stipulated that he leave them alone, which helps his comment to suddenly make sense on every possible level.
Lori and Bolo try to figure out how to work their sausage press. She barks orders at him shrilly. "Why you gotta be a bitch?" he asks. Hey, maybe she's on steroids.
At the Brauhaus, the two Beer teams direct each other to their fifth beer mats. "Enjoy your beersss," Aaron says to his last group of customers. Freddy and Hayden collect their teams' clues while their partners suck down as much beer as they can. Heh. Both teams grab cabs to Teufelsberg, but Hayden and Aaron's driver doesn't know where it is. "I will get directions," she says. She wanders off; then we see them all back in the cab, as the driver reads the clue over her radio to the dispatcher. She asks for an address. Aaron tells her, "We have to go on faith in God." Hayden snips at Aaron, "I hope you're right." While she busies herself with the clue envelope, Aaron makes an eloquent gesture at her that manages to encompass "What are you talking about?" and "Right about what?" and "What is it you want from me?" and "Do you have a better idea?" all at once. It's kind of a shame that Hayden misses it. Their cab pulls away.
Gus and Hera get to work at the Brauhaus. Hera explains the task to her dad and then starts bugging people: "Pictures? No pictures? Hera? Black people?"
Hornio arrives at the Citadel, asking the wrestlers, "Is it hard?" Oh, they're getting right to it, aren't they? They start on their first link as Lori and Bolo call the supervisor over to measure their links. Their links are too short, so they have to start over. El Hornio watches this, and Rebecca tells him to pay attention to what he's doing. "Oh, I'm paying attention," he smirks. El Hornio appreciates the sight of the warm meat sliding smoothly into place, making it very difficult for me not to speculate on his future career. "This is hilarious," he says, to FCC-baiting close-ups of hot hand-on-wiener action. Rebecca's in too much of a hurry to see the humor.
Kris and Jon's train finally arrives near the Brauhaus. "Let's get it on," Jon says as they enter. They find their first beer mat in short order. Kris's face goes slack with hopeless shock, every fiber of her being suffused with the inevitability of their imminent failure. Gus and Hera find a coaster. Gus takes a long swig out of a stein and then sets it back down on a table. Heh. "I don't think you're allowed to drink it, Daddy," Hera says, mildly scandalized.
Bolo makes sausage the way I make chocolate chip cookies, i.e. he stuffs gobs of the raw material in his mouth as he goes. Oh, ick. El Hornio observes this and registers his horror. Bolo cheerfully continues snacking, strands of tendon or gristle or something sticking to his face. I am so not kissing him right now.
Gus and Hera only have one coaster to go, and Hera's telling Gus not to pick up more beers than they need to get it. Gus clearly has a higher opinion of the necessity of beer. To Hera's dismay, he's stealing sips before delivering them to tables. Definitely not a tipping situation. She admonishes him not to look like such a lush. Kris and Jon get their fifth coaster and their clue, and head out for a cab. Kris stoops down, picks up a paving stone, and hurls it through the windshield of a passing police car, spewing forth a torrent of curse words that, even through the bleeping, is corrosive enough to peel the phosphor coating off my picture tube.
Gus and Hera finish. They go back to the bar to retrieve their bags (Gus a bit unsteady on his feet), and of course there are still several beers sitting there. Gus wants to stay and enjoy one, but Hera isn't having it. In fact, she's already got her pack on and she's practically out the door. Gus, however, is still standing at the bar, telling her to go ahead and he'll catch up with her as soon as he can get his pack on. By which he really means "slam a pint." Hera, though, knows exactly what he's up to, and refuses to turn her back on him. Gus weighs the certainty of a beer now and the possibility of a million dollars later, and it's actually looking pretty good for the beer. But finally he tears himself away. In the cab, he says, "I'd like it better if we'd stayed a little longer. That was excellent beer." Hera comes back with "I'd like it better if my dad would listen to me." Gus grins out the window. There are a lot of other ways she could have finished that sentence, most of them a lot more disrespectful than what she went with. Liking these two more all the time.
El Hornio asks for a sausage press for his home. But can he operate it and properly enjoy it at the same time? Lori and Bolo get approval on their second set of links, and they're on their way, firmly in sixth place. Out on the street, a guy offers to walk them to the train station. Okay, maybe they're not that firmly in sixth. In the Citadel, El Hornio comments, "I'm surprised Jonathan isn't here because he's the biggest wiener of them all." Eh. Weak. Rebecca -- who really hasn't had time for El Hornio's freshmanic "humor" up to this point -- finally comes around as the last link takes shape: "The last one's girthy and lengthy." And indeed, they get their clue along with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to act like dirty-minded fifth-graders on network television. They get in a cab before Lori and Bolo have even boarded their train.
Don and MJ reach the sausage factory and get right to work. In an interview, MJ says, "We're going 'seven inches, seven inches,' and I go, 'My God, seven inches is really big!'" She laughs appealingly as Don grins. Nice to see you're never too old to act like a dirty-minded fifth-grader on network television. There's very little footage of them making sausage (get it? Footage? Because -- oh, never mind) and they seem to be on their way quickly. "Let somebody be lost," MJ prays in their cab.
Cut to Lori and Bolo on the train, where they ask a fellow passenger for directions and receive the marvelous news that their destination isn't on the line they're currently riding. Whoops. They try to get off at the current stop, but the doors won't open and the train leaves for the terminal. "I give up," Lori moans. "We're eliminated." Win many title belts with that attitude?
Back from commercial, Lori and Bolo are absorbed in bitter recriminations. Although we've seen much worse from them. Bolo finds a guy on the train who can not only give them directions to the right train, but will walk with them. The guy has an American accent, which makes me wonder if he's the most trustworthy source. But on the other hand, Trash and I were walking around lost our first morning in Athens, and we saw this guy sitting alone on a park bench, and we shyly asked him if he spoke English, and he drawled out "Yes, I do!" in an accent more American than ours, if such a thing is possible. That kind of thing can be surprisingly reassuring in a foreign country. Lori would rather complain about why they didn't take a cab in the first place than be reassured, and Bolo claims they couldn't afford it. It looks like they're back on the right track as Bolo observes that they haven't gotten to the Roadblock yet.
Neither has anyone else, until Jonathan and Victoria roll up. "Move it!" he barks at her as she hops out of the cab. Phil explains that, to complete this particular Roadblock, one team member has to "climb to the top of the mountain" (which looks about as strenuous as climbing to the top of a long driveway) and drive a gravity-powered soapbox race car back down the road. He or she has to finish the course within thirty-seven seconds, "a competitive time on the German Soapbox Derby Circuit." Ah, yes, I've heard things can get crazy speedy on the world-famous soapbox-bahn. Jonathan takes the Roadblock, and Victoria cheers him on as he jogs up the hill. He voices over, "When I was a kid, I raced go-carts and raced cars, and I own a Ferrari." Which seems tangentially relevant to operating the vehicle he's jumping into now. It's suspended at the top of a short, steep ramp at the beginning of the course. The racer is released, and it coasts down a bunny slope of a course. Jonathan finishes in thirty-five seconds flat. He and Victoria celebrate as if he'd just done something difficult, and he tells her to read the clue. Phil takes it from there and tells us that now the teams have to choose one of the marked Mercedes parked nearby and drive themselves into the middle of Berlin, park at a flagged parking area, and hoof it to the mat to the famous Brandenburg Gate, which Phil describes as a "symbol of German reunification after the Cold War." And the last team to arrive "may" be eliminated.
Jonathan and Victoria load up their Mercedes and go off in search of a cabbie to get directions from. As Victoria's out by the side of the road, doing just that, Jonathan spots Nuance's cab heading toward the Roadblock. "There's a team, Victoria!" he screams. "Move it!" From inside Nuance's cab, Kendra confirms that they did indeed just drive past Jonathan and Victoria. Victoria scampers around the parked cab and back into their car while Jonathan moans, "Maybe we could just do this. For once." Yeah, stupid Victoria, doing what he tells her to. "Shut the door," he orders as she's shutting the door.
Freddy does the Roadblock for Nuance. He too finishes in thirty-five seconds flat. Do the numbers on that clock change? Kendra appreciates the Mercedes, a "big step up." They talk about getting a map, but decide on a cab instead. Which means hiring one to lead them to the pit stop. I hope they plan to pay a fare, unlike the bowling moms from last season.
Hayden does the soabbox derby. "Like the wind!" Aaron sings to her as she and her boobs bounce up the hill. She finishes the course in 34.36 seconds. I guess those numbers do move. And she beat Jonathan's time, which makes me like her more.
Gus and Hera decide that she'll take the Roadblock, as Hayden and Aaron and Hayden run past them in the background. Jon and Kris arrive almost immediately, and Jon is right behind Hera on the run up the hill. "Coming down the mountain is a screamin' demon versus a little girl from California," Gus says. I bet the Amazing Editors love him. Hera's and Jon's racers are lined up side by side at the starting line. They're released simultaneously, and Gus and Kris watch them come down. They both finish in thirty-five seconds. Or the clock is frozen again. Kris berates Jon for his manifold shortcomings as a racer, as a lover, as a human being, and as a valid use for hair until her face turns blue and she collapses from hypoxia. She and Jon somehow get a razor-sharp lead heading out of the Roadblock. Gus spots them negotiating with a cab driver and asks if they can split the fare. Kris tells Gus to fuck off. No, she actually chirps, "Okay!"
Lori and Bolo get off the train and begin what looks like a long walk to the Roadblock. "We should have took a cab," Lori says. But what does Lori think they should have done differently?
El Hornio reads, "Who feels the need for speed?" "I dooo!" Rebecca cheers. She heads up the hill. "Good luck and don't kill yourself," El Hornio calls after her. She has a great time finishing in 34.79 seconds. They're in a really good mood for a team that's in sixth place. El Hornio offers to do the driving to the Pit Stop.
"Happy, happy, happy, happy," MJ says in their cab. "Happy, we're in Berlin." Don VOs, "We know that until Phil says, 'You've been eliminated,' you're still in." Thanks for explaining the significance of what we're going to see in about six minutes. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, you're toast.
The wrestlers are still walking through the woods. Lori is employing her usual strategy when they fall behind -- trying to speed their progress by throwing blame around.
Speaking of which, Jonathan is asking Victoria where they're going, but she can't find a map that they had:"If another team beats us, Victoria, I'm going to lose it." I wonder what that might look like? He clarifies, "I'm going to lose it on you because you can't get it right on the ground!"I'd like to see Jonathan right on the ground.
In the Nuancemobile, Freddy calmly observes,"Somebody's ahead of us." Jonathan pulls over and orders Victoria to drive. They swap places. Jonathan never misses an opportunity to set his wife up to fail, does he? "Looks like it's Jonathan and Victoria," Freddy comments as they cruise past. Once Victoria's in the driver's seat, she can't reach the pedals. Rather than give her a few seconds to figure out how to adjust the seat, Jonathan roars at her to get out, sending her into a pissed-off panic, which is not something you see every day. "You never help me with anything," Victoria complains as they swap again. "Why can't you just help me one time? One time, with something?" Jonathan doesn't seem to have a response to that. Can I answer?
Freddy follows his cabdriver right up to the flag. While he gets out and pays, Jonathan and Victoria pull up almost right behind them and bail out. Freddy is taking the time to pay and thank his cabbie, while Nuance's camera crew catches Jonathan and Victoria running past them. Surprisingly, Jonathan does not give away their presence by shrieking at her. But their lead is too small, and they're too slow, and Nuance, having paid, is now gaining on them. Jonathan tries to ditch his pack with a local, but Victoria drags him along, telling him there's no time. Yeah, she's really a weak competitor. We see him unable to run with his pack on, which, as we've heard several times, is lighter than hers. No wonder he's so frustrated at all the ways she keeps slowing him down. Right now, she's slowing him down by running about a hundred feet ahead of him. Nuance is closing the lead. Then Jonathan is running ahead of Victoria, who is again reminding him that her pack is heavier. He tells her to leave it, and he dodges behind a sign, does just that with his, and sprints ahead. "Nooo, they're gonna take it!" she screeches, and diverts her course to where Jonathan has ditched his pack. When we see Victoria, she is schlepping both packs. I can't believe Jonathan's making her carry all of his hats. She's running as fast as she can with their combined luggage, which isn't that fast, and crying hard. Seriously, she's not just weeping; she is screaming Jonathan's name, wailing like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice, if Sophie had tried to make a dash for the fence with a kid under each arm. Jonathan is a good fifty yards ahead of his wife when Freddy takes Kendra's pack and they both pass Victoria. Victoria bellows in despair. I'm running out of synonyms for "scream." Jonathan comes back. "Why did you pick up my bag?" he yells at her as he rips it off her shoulder. "Why!?" So it wouldn't get stolen, asshole. Freddy and Kendra are team number one. Beating Jonathan to the mat redeems them somewhat for me. Phil tells them they've won a vacation in Mexico. Somebody should warn Kendra that parts of Mexico also have poverty and people breeding and breeding.
Jonathan and Victoria stagger toward the mat, Jonathan still berating his disconsolate wife. Phil watches their approach disapprovingly. And this is when it happens. On first viewing, it looks like he bashes her in the shoulder. But on closer examination, he's punching her backpack. Hard. Which, since it's strapped to her body, nearly knocks her off-balance. He's way past creepy and well into offensive territory now. She wails at him to stop it, and he continues on without her has she stoops to pick up whatever he just made her drop. Phil looks kind of horrified, and I can't blame him.
Jonathan stands on the mat, raises his pack in front of him, and flings it down, as if to tell the world, "This is why we didn't win this leg. This, and this poorly trained housepet I'm saddled with." Phil tells them, in the tone he normally uses to Philiminate people, that they're team number two. Jonathan shakes Phil's hand. Phil thinks, "Oh, that'll have to come off now." Victoria, hunched over in exhaustion, says, "Why couldn't you just carry it yourself?" Jonathan's answer: "I threw it for a reason. You didn't have to stop and pick it up." "It wasn't gonna be there when you got back," Victoria points out. Jonathan bitches that it's his pack, and that he should have been allowed to drop it. Tell me this, Jonathan: if you'd gotten your little cruise, and then you went back to get your pack and it was gone, whose fault would that have been? Would that have been your fault, Jonathan? Assuming your passport was in there, would you have taken responsibility for the race's ending for you guys right here in Germany while you spent the week hanging around the American Consulate trying to figure out how to get home? Or would you have put it on Victoria, telling her that your supreme sacrifice wouldn't have been necessary if she had just moved a little faster somewhere earlier in the leg? No, don't answer that. I already know. I knew I was going to hate this guy since the first episode, when his introduction of himself consisted of showing off how many euphemisms for "asshole" he knows. I've got a new one: "Wife-shover."
Victoria stomps off, still crying hard. Phil calls after her, but she doesn't stop. Jonathan tells Phil, "She's gotta live with her choices." Yeah and the hardest one to live with is the one with blue hair. Phil just tells him, "Jonathan, I think you probably should go and talk to Victoria." Victoria looks like she's seriously considering whether a million dollars is worth spending one more second with that asshelmet. Jonathan takes Phil's suggestion, and goes over to bitch at Victoria in a more reasonable tone of voice. I don't think that's what Phil meant. But congratulations, Jonathan. Your brilliant strategy of totally destroying your partner's morale has succeeded admirably. And all this -- not over the million dollars, not over avoiding elimination, but over winning one measly leg. Jonathan is a fuckstick. Of course, that could be just the editing.
Lori and Bolo finally make it to the Roadblock on foot. Lori drives the soapbox racer. Bolo cheers her down the course, while she pretends not to be having fun. That would totally ruin her sour mood, after all. She finishes in about thirty-five seconds (although the clock keeps ticking after she crosses the line) and they're off to the pit stop.
Don and MJ arrive at the Roadblock. MJ also finishes in thirty-five seconds, but she can't seem to get her racer stopped. It buries itself in the hay bales at the end of the course. Crashing minor chords of a minor crash. Hay flies everywhere. Ooh, I think I saw Kristy and Lena's clue! MJ looks a little shaken as Don cackles happily. They leave for the pit stop as the caption says, "Don and Mary Jane: Currently in Last Place." I wonder why they still have the "Currently" in there, but then I realize that the guy who does the captions probably has a macro programmed.
Back at the Pit Stop, Hayden and Aaron are team number three. Close behind them, Gus tells Kris and Jon, "We followed you, so go ahead." Kris and Jon are team number four. Jon invites Gus and Hera to join them on the mat; they're team number five. They totally could have stayed for a beer. Kris triggers the high-yield explosive device strapped to her abdomen.
Hornio jumps on the mat and waits through Phil's dramatic pause. They seem sort of prepared to be eliminated, but they're still in such a good mood that it probably wouldn't bother them much right now. They get the news that they're team number six and they high-five. Disliking them less at the moment.
Dueling Mercedes. Bolo wants to stop at a convenience store and double-check their directions, and they do just that. MJ coos to Don, "Do you dare go any faster? I love it when you drive like a madman." Lori drives! Don drives! Bolo passenges! MJ passenges! A camera careens toward the mat at ground level, and -- Lori and Bolo, you are team number seven. "I don't know how, because we walked ten miles," Lori kvetches. She's smiling a little, though. I can't tell if she's pretending to be more mad or less mad than she actually is.
Don and MJ come up to the mat holding hands and smile as they get Philiminated. Without missing a beat, Don sincerely says, "Thank you for having us!" Which I love. It's like they didn't lose; they just came to the end of a great experience. After all, more than ninety per cent of the teams that go on this show aren't going to win, so it's best to have a good attitude about it. MJ and Don interview about how much they love each other, and even though they couldn't really pull their shit together this week, I can't blame them.
week, Jonathan and Victoria encourage one another to embrace their respective traditional gender roles, and Kendra is out of commission after being slingshotted into the air in a kind of reverse bungee jump. Those ergs of kinetic energy just keep breeding and breeding, you know?