Previously on Some Say Your Relationship Will End In Fire, Some Say In Iceland: The starting line and race to the backpacks proved less of an opportunity for bloodshed than last time, but we quickly discovered that for several of these couples, the condition most likely to end in injury was the outbreak of hostilities, rather than the usual lack of coordination. Spazpants proved that being a deeply unpleasant human being does not always correlate with high-quality racing, as it did with Colin. Hornio proved that they hadn't made an adequate study of race history before embarking on their journey, because...diesel. Honestly. Gus used snow as a cleaning agent, Hayden and Aaron didn't take to Lori and her frozen implants, and Avi and Joe searched for a clue among the ice and only got colder and colder. In the end, Brooklyn went down in flames after an ill-fated decision not to trust and then outrun Gus. Kris and Jon? Kristy and Lena? Really just happy to be here, and not so much into the fighting, bless them. Missing in action: taxis.
Credits. Aw. The team that cannonballs together stays together. [BOMP.]
If you're too distracted by Payless sales to think about your child's birthday, you need therapy, not slingbacks. Don't get me wrong; I buy shoes there. But if you're going to forsake your child for material possessions, save your neglect for something expensive.
Mountains! Glaciers! Geysers! Phil tells us that we are Iceland, "known as the land of fire and ice." But they decided not to call it Fireland, so it wouldn't be overrun with strip joints. And then...Volcano! Phil reminds us that we are at the Blue Lagoon, a hot spring in the middle of a lava field. So if you see anything orange, viscous, and runny on the ground, don't drink it. A good rule in most places, really. Phil gives the Opening Patter ("No Idea What's In Store" Variation), so, rather than eat/sleep/mingle footage, we get the shot of the waving red-and-yellow flags. It's probably just as well. I don't need direct evidence that Jonathan pounded his head against the wall and yelled "WOOOO!" for twelve consecutive hours. And -- Exposition Hands! Oh, how I've missed your tender cuticles. Phil wonders whether Jonathan and Victoria's constant fighting will motivate them, or whether they will one day be punished as they are punishing Viewers Like You. Phil also wonders whether Gus and Hera can crawl out of last place. And in Gus's case, it seems like the crawling might be kind of literal.
4:57 AM. Hayden and Aaron. The clue tells them to fly to Oslo, and Phil explains that after flying about 1,000 miles, they'll have to drive 35 more, to the Holmenkollen Ski Jump. Little-Known Fact: "Holmenkollen" is Norwegian for "AIIEEEE!" As Hayden and Aaron leave, he explains in a voice-over that they met ten months ago, and that there are still things they're learning about each other. Wait, after ten whole months? Impossible! The fingerprinting shouldn't take that long, and after that, it's really just a matter of bribing the Department of Homeland Security. Aaron says, as he did last week, that Hayden can be bossy, but that it's her personality, and that he likes that about her. One of the rules of reality television, as you know, is that whatever you do is okay, as long as it's your personality. The right -- the obligation -- of every person to be enslaved by his or her id is in the Magna Carta. And the Bible, and Robert's Rules of Order, and The Communist Manifesto. Nice people are phonies, so thank God for the bastards and harpies who keep it real.
At 5:42 AM, the irrationally exuberant Kris and Jon leave the mat. He tells us that he expects the fact that they don't argue very much to be an advantage for them. We watch him kiss her hand (aw!) as he says that their happy demeanor keeps them "tight" (hee) and allows them to concentrate. I can tell that, at some point, it's going to come out that they collect Precious Moments figurines or listen to Journey or have chin implants, because I like them way too much right now.
5:44 AM, Lena and Kristy. They drive out, Kristy navigating, and she explains in an interview that she wishes Lena would jump in and offer more input, because she feels like she's making a disproportionate number of the decisions. These people, too, are entirely too functional. Damn cooperating Mormons. They're supposed to be opposites! Have you seen Lena's tank tops? Kristy should tell her to cover up! Lena should tell Kristy she's a slave to the rhythm! Lena should be all, "Ah don't want yore laaahfe!" I can't tolerate all this harmony.
5:45 AM. Freddy and Kendra leave, the third team to go within a three-minute span. Freddy gives a weird interview in which he says that he has to "be there" for Kendra to reassure her that everything is going to be all right. He says that "it always works," so apparently, he is frequently called upon to keep her from losing her shit and now has a whole plan. Not a good sign.
5:48 AM. Spazpants, also part of the clump o'teams. They exchange a little kiss, but believe me, there is no washing away the stain. Also, he is wearing a stupid hat...over his blue hair. Shut up, Jonathan's entire head and all its accoutrements. "This race shows you all the things you don't like about yourself," he says in an interview. It also shows you all the things others don't like about you, as he knows if he does much self-Googling these days, which I suspect he does. In fact, I will bet you he has a News Alert on himself. He says you have to "try to rise above it." You know, like he does. In the car, Victoria says, calmly, "Let's go." "Stop panicking," he fumes. "I'm not panicking," she says simply. And really, if he thinks that's panicking, he should see me trying to...I can't really say "get out of downtown Minneapolis" anymore, actually, since I've gotten better at that. We'll go with "shop for Christmas gifts." At any rate, Jonathan is not appeased. "Then stop whining to me," he says, all icy. Victoria interviews that she really hopes that the race will take her and Jonathan's relationship somewhere more positive. It's working great so far! Unfortunately, when she says "more positive place," I don't think she means "family court."
5:50 AM. Lori and Bolo. We learn from Bolo that they're being given $181 for this leg of the race. The amount of money is a palindrome! There might be a hidden meaning! Discuss! Bolo explains that he loves Lori because she's determined to be successful in life, and that this has made him more successful. And she keeps him from getting his ass thrown in jail, as was happening before they met. That's what jailhouse counselors always say, of course. "You need a job, to find the Lord, and to meet a lady wrestler with giant ya-yas to kick you in the ass from time to time." So he, of course, wants to win the million for her, because she deserves it. Welcome to The Amazing Meritocracy. We do not sell indulgences.
At 6:33 AM, Hornio rips its clue. "When push comes to shove, we come together," Rebecca says. Out on the road, push is apparently not coming to shove quite yet, because she is riding his ass about not wanting him to pass people. He starts to warm up to yell at her, all, "Rebecca --," but then he stops himself. He affects a look of artificial calm and says, overly sweetly, "Rebecca? Rebecca, honey? Can you sit back and enjoy the drive?" Heh. She agrees. Get a haircut, El Hornio, and fall out of love with your damn sunglasses. You are not beyond hope.
6:34 AM. Meredith and Maria. Meredith tells us as they run to their SUV that Maria is a great person to be on the race with. In the car, Meredith informs Maria that "the men in Oslo are very handsome." She needs to come to Minnesota, where it's basically the same guys, except that they're more into English and Prince. Maria says that they "keep a positive attitude," no matter the circumstances.
6:38 AM. Don and MJ. In an interview that looks like it took place back at their place before they left, MJ says that Don believes himself to be in charge of everything, but that she knows better. She assures us that she has put him on notice. Yeah, I've heard that one before.
6:56 AM. Gus and Hera. Gus says that he and Hera have "baggage" regarding their relationship, which they're still carrying. Specifically, they're both stubborn and want to be in charge. And when she doesn't give in, Gus uses mind-control techniques he learned in various foreign countries. No, not really. Although wouldn't that be cool? Mind-control devices for children are so the wave.
As Kristy and Lena drive, Lena asks Kristy who's behind them. "I think it might be Botox," Kristy replies, and we peek to see that it is Jonathan and Victoria. Heh heh. I don't even know which one of them "Botox" refers to. They both have creepy faces. Jonathan and Victoria stop and turn around, and Kristy and Lena note that Spazpants apparently has no idea where it's going. Bolo and Lori, too, make note of the Spazpants meandering as they fly by. "I'm glad I don't got to look at that goofy face anywhere," Lori says, after again disdainfully referencing Jonathan's blue hair -- out loud, rather than mentally, like the rest of us. Yeah, when the wrestlers call you "goofy," it might be time to change salons.
Hayden and Aaron are approaching the airport, but it looks like they perhaps miss the turn on the first try. Thus, the first team we see entering the airport is Kris and Jon, followed closely by Kristy and Lena. And then, eventually, Hayden and Aaron run in. These teams cluster at the Iceland Air counter, looking for tickets to Oslo. Other teams pile in. As it turns out, the flight will leave for Copenhagen at 1:15. Presumably, they have a connection there, since they are probably not expected to walk from Copenhagen to Oslo. Kristy tells the camera that there seem to be a lot of seats available on the flight at this point, so she suspects that the teams will wind up on the same flight out. It seems like sound thinking, especially since it's not like they're going to miss the flight, since it doesn't leave for hours. I am not in favor of the cap Kristy is wearing, by the way. It looks like a distant relative of the white Esprit paint-splatter pants that were all the rage when I was in eighth grade.
As Lori and Bolo head for the flight, she casually, lovingly, reaches over and hand-checks his cranium into the wall. I think that's kind of like a little kiss on the cheek for them. Everybody eventually boards the plane, and as it flies, Phil shows us that indeed, all ten teams are aboard the same Mega-Bunch Express.
Oslo! Oslo! Oslo! The cameramen careen around in their way, and then we see the plane landing. First to be seen running through the airport is Nuance, and then, surprisingly enough, Gus and Hera, enjoying a brief visit to the top of the heap. In the parking lot, when Nuance and Gus and Hera are already gone, Spazpants is having trouble even finding the marked cars, even with the help of their usual problem-solving method of screeching at each other. MJ, as she and Don are loading their bags into the back, realizes that Spazpants is disoriented, and she tries to get Don to duck down so that Jonathan won't be able to spot them, but it looks like she won't be having quite that much luck: whether by spying other teams or not, Spazpants is on the case. Don and MJ move out, and then Spazpants, Hornio, and Lori and Bolo follow.
In the airport, Lena and Kristy pick up a Fern -- specifically, a young man whose father met the girls on the plane and offered him as their tour guide once they landed. Can you really just give away relatives like that? It's like Gigi, if Leslie Caron had been stuffed into the back of an SUV for the whole movie. Once they're all in the car, the Fern is asked, "Would you volunteer if we were big hairy men?" The kid, who looks about seventeen, pauses for a minute, and then shyly says, "No." They all laugh, and Kristy claps him on the arm. Cute. Scandinavian shy boys are cute, it is true.
Meredith and Maria hop into their SUV, Maria driving, but it turns out that this is a manual transmission, and that presents her with a problem. Now, how you could go on this show at this point and fail to teach yourself to drive stick is a mystery to me, but here they are, and it appears that she has no clue. Hasn't learned, hasn't practiced, is totally screwed. And Meredith, in the back seat, is unwilling even to try. Kris and Jon and Hayden and Aaron are behind the girls, and quickly become aware that something is amiss, as Maria keeps stalling the car. Meredith leans out of the car and waves them around. Finally, Maria at least manages to get rolling. Can't really claim to be surprised by the need to drive stick at this late date. I do feel for them, though, all conspicuous like that. I turned from Rice Street onto University Avenue once, trying to figure out what the loud noise was that all the people on the street were reacting to with great horror, very glad it wasn't anything having to do with me. But then I realized they were cringing because I was dragging my muffler. You'd be amazed at the trouble I can get into with cars.
Up ahead, Freddy realizes that he's missed the exit he wanted. "I can't believe we got lost; this is horrible," he says. Hey, what happened to his magic strategy of reassuring Kendra that everything would be fine? In his car, Gus is asking for directions, and it appears that he, too, has perhaps missed a turn. Apparently, the ski jump is the most obscure icon ever. Also lost are Don and MJ, who are marooned "way off the map." She laments that the navigating was supposed to be their strength, even if they weren't "as strong as the kids." Aw. "We were going to be smarter," she says with some irritation. "What happened?" Heh. I think MJ is the kind of grandma who gets you savings bonds for Christmas, and if you don't like it, you can damn well get a job and buy your own damn videogames.
A crashing noise, appropriately enough, takes us to the drama of the Spazpantsmobile, where Victoria is trying to explain that there's nothing helpful on the map. "There's nothing, there's nothing," she keeps repeating. We see them pulled over and asking someone for help. In the car, Victoria squeaks, "I am so upset that we keep taking the wrong ones." And when I say "squeaks," I mean, "squeaks." You remember Beaker from the Muppets? Yeah, she sounds like that. And...that, actually, more than Jonathan's behavior, was the moment when I wondered whether their entire thing is some kind of a giant put-on. Because I just cannot believe any woman could really behave this way. It's only a matter of time before a reality show gets Punk'd, and I wondered briefly whether this might be it happening. But anyway, Jonathan says in an interview that "Victoria has some challenges within herself." I think Victoria's "challenges" are only "within herself" during sex, if you know what I mean, and I know you do. The rest of the time, her challenges are right to her, hollering and raising their arms, awash in delusions of grandeur. Back in the car, Victoria moans about the fact that Jonathan couldn't make a decision, and now she's going to wind up being blamed. His interview continues with his insight that Victoria's worst quality is being "a panicker." So of course, he does all he can to keep her from panicking, even taking the drastic step of haranguing her like a deranged personal trainer. He won't forget, can't regret what he did for looooove!
We return to Meredith and Maria's now-happy car, in which they're very chipper until they have to pay a toll. "I hope I don't stall out at the toll," Maria says. And then she stalls out at the toll. If I were Maria, I would have thrown a wad of money at the attendant, yelled "SORRY!," and barreled through, just hoping they'd overlook it. They're probably too busy with drug traffickers to chase toll runners, don't you think?
Oslo-Fern points out on a sign where Lena and Kristy are supposed to turn. Kris and Jon see the sign, too. And then Kris, bless her blonde heart, interviews that, "as a geography major," she knows where stuff is and how to get to it. I bet she has a t-shirt that says, "Geography Majors Do It With A Lot Of Latitude." They spot the ski jump from a distance, all lit up.
Both the girls and Kris and Jon get there and rip the clue, which turns out to be a Roadblock clue that says, "Who's ready to perform an Olympian feat?" Phil materializes at this point to explain that a Roadblock is still a task that only one person may perform. But! The Roadblock ain't what it used to be. Unlike in races in which it was perfectly possible to drag a Flo-batross all the way around the damn world on the strength of your singular will, now no team member can do more than six Roadblocks. Basically, you have to split them (roughly) if you want to be around for the entire race. In theory, this means that you should imagine twelve or so Roadblock tasks, and you should imagine dividing them in half according to which of your team members would be more suited to them, and decide by guessing whether a particular task is more likely to be in one half or the other. But it also matters what your placement is and where you are in the race. It will ultimately turn out, for instance, that it doesn't really matter who does this Roadblock, especially for the lead teams, because of the way the bunching works out. So you can not only give your weaker person the easier Roadblocks, you can protect yourself by giving your weaker person the Roadblocks where you don't need the win so much. Just another way that smart play can benefit you, and that is nothing but good news. Also, it gives me another thing to overanalyze. Aren't we all glad? Anyone?
Phil explains that in this particular Roadblock, the Roadblocker will have to climb about a bazillion stairs up to the top of a very large ski jump. Lest you think there is ski jumping, rest assured that there isn't. In fact, there is merely the riding of a zip line 1,000 feet down to the bottom. Meh. I don't love this, because really, all you have to do is the climb, and then they shove you and you float down. That's just not that impressive a feat, and you don't have to conquer your fear of heights nearly as much as you do with, say, a bungee jump, because you're hanging from something the whole way. Anyway, Kristy and Jon take the Roadblock for their respective teams, and they scale the stairs to the top. Kristy explains that she's very afraid of heights. Yes, yes, I know, fear of heights, blah blah.
Jon rides down, to the appreciative "Woo!" of his girlfriend. At the bottom, they open a clue that directs them to drive 50 miles to a Viking Village. Where everyone probably wears those helmets with the yellow braids, you know. Kristy, meanwhile, rides down, with a little appropriate screaming. They get the clue and leave, taking their Fern along after he assures them that he knows where the Viking Village is.
Meredith and Maria? Oh, they're still stalled. Still nothing happening. "More gas," Meredith says, not all that helpfully. The car jerks forward, you know, again. Maria, now weepy, says that she can't get the car to go. She puts a hand to her forehead in frustration, and in the back seat, Meredith grabs her head. I'd feel a lot sorrier for them if the need to drive stick were any kind of a surprise at this point, but it's not. Driving stick is not that hard to learn, and this is a completely predictable outcome, so...you know, boo hoo.
Commercials. Should Suze Orman be doing car commercials? That seems wrong to me.
When we return, Maria is still fretting over her inability to drive stick. Even her pink headband with the red hearts can't help her now. Finally, however, she manages to get the car moving. So this will no longer be a problem, provided she can keep driving continuously until it's time to stop at the end of the entire race. They'll just have to switch off drivers as they circle the pit stops for twelve hours. For them, it will be eat, sleep, and mingle out the driver's side window.
Lori and Bolo and Hornio are pulling up to the ski jump. Bolo and El Hornio take the Roadblock, which, you will recall, has a clue saying only the "Olympian feat" thing, so it would have been hard for them to know exactly what it is. And in the end, it winds up feeling a little intentionally misleading, because I don't recall Olympic...ziplining. Once he gets to the top, though, El Hornio says that he began wondering whether this was a very good idea. Bolo goes first, and just watching him fall makes El Hornio bite his thumb in fear. No, literally. He bites his thumb. Oh, El Hornio. As the guy sets El Hornio up to go, the guy says, "Boy, you really don't like the heights, do you?" I think El Hornio must really have that smell of terror about him. El Hornio agrees that he doesn't. Once Bolo lands and he and Lori take off, Rebecca gives El Hornio a cheer. And then he says that he loves his mom. And then he finally goes. Not only does he bicycle his feet like a total freakazoid while he's doing it, he yells out, "Mom, I love you!" on the way down. Dude. That's just undignified. Even for a self-described "eccentric," that's not going to score you any points. I bet even your mom thinks that was dorky. Rebecca cheers him and gives him kisses when it's over, though. As she tells him how proud of him she is, they run off. I'm sure she doesn't mind not being included in the screams he unleashed in anticipation of his death.
And here are Gus and Hera, in fifth place. When they see the "Olympic feat" part, they decide that Hera had better do it. And, of course, Gus wouldn't have been crazy about the climb to the top, considering what a time he had climbing up to the waterfall last week. Right behind them is Nuance, and to her credit, Kendra takes it. Hera ziplines. Kendra ziplines, screaming the whole time, to the chuckles of her boyfriend. These teams leave.
Kristy and Lena's Fern brings them directly to the Viking Village. They thank him profusely and give him lots of hugs, and then they part. My question is this: how is Fern getting home? He's stuck out at the Viking Village, he's got no ride. Are we abandoning poor Fern to the tender mercies of a bunch of imaginary Vikings? Because that seems kind of sad, really. He's going to wind up hanging out in the gift shop, poring over model ships and waiting for his dad to pick him up. Having abandoned their Scandinavian savior, the girls run to the clue box. The clue explains that tomorrow morning at 7:00, the teams will divide into two groups of five teams and row two Viking boats across a fjord to a dock, where they'll get a new clue. Kris and Jon pull up to the Viking Village just behind the girls, so those teams are the first two to settle in.
Hayden and Aaron, for whom things went so well last week, are currently lost. Maybe it's her personality.
Spazpants, on the other hand, is arriving at the ski jump. "I guess it's me," Jonathan says in mock dismay, in fact relishing the opportunity to do something he thinks will seem flashy. When Don and MJ get there and read the clue, he immediately says he'll do it and runs off, as she calls after him. She interviews that she was mad, because they had an agreement in advance that she would do the ones that had heights, because they didn't require so much physical strength, so she feels grumpy about his having taken it without a discussion. When he gets to the top of the stairs, Don tells the attendant that he was here when he was 17 years old -- 52 years ago. He says the stairs were easier then. Heh. And then we see that for some reason, Jonathan has...taken his shirt off to do the zipline. It occurs to me to wonder why, but I have realized that everything he does can just be explained with the addition of the introductory words, "In order to increase his camera time...." And that is no exception. It apparently doesn't occur to him that the camera might not want to linger on his dorkified form. Don and Jonathan zip in tandem, and when they get to the bottom, they read their clues and leave. Running away, MJ mentions their agreement, and Don says, "The climb up there was a killer." "I can climb," she snaps back. Heh.
Hayden and Aaron? Oh, they're still lost. Not only that, but they're starting to argue about it, making them one of those couples that doesn't yell when things are going well, at least, but does fight when things go badly. In other news of struggle, Meredith and Maria are asking how far away from the ski jump they are, and are being told that it's about 60 kilometers. This might seem like bad news, but the fact that they manage to get the car moving again overwhelms any possible bad feelings about the remaining distance they have to close. "You're doing a really good job; you are," Meredith encourages.
Now, Spazpants stops to ask for some directions. As Jonathan leans into a car to chat with someone, Victoria runs over to him, offering him a pen to write down what the guy is learning. Jonathan says he's trying to remember, but she comes close up behind him and hassles that he has yet to write down a thing, and he reaches out with his arm and shoves her. Yeah, verbal fighting is one thing, but I don't want to watch shoving for very long. Victoria, however, barely reacts, just retreating to the car while continuing to remind Jonathan that he's not going to remember the directions if he doesn't write them down. When he returns to the car, Victoria tells him again that he won't remember, and he assures her that he will. "This is what you wrote down?" she says, looking at some apparently summary notes he took. "I mean, come on." Whatever their vibe is, it certainly doesn't make her cowed, so that's...good, I guess?
Bolo and Lori are driving. She doesn't like the vague nature of Bolo's directions, and he leans into the front seat to show her the map that it looks like they got with their clue, which indeed is a highly unhelpful depiction that looks like it could only end at a buried time capsule or a box of baseball cards. I strongly suspect that map was originally drawn in crayon. Don and MJ aren't doing well with the map either, unless they're supposed to be driving through weeds, which I (and they) kind of suspect they aren't. "This is obviously not right," Don says.
Spazpants arrives at the Viking Village. As he goes to close the trunk of the car, Jonathan hits Victoria on the head. Now, if you've ever been beaned on the head with a trunk lid, you know that that shit hurts. A lot. Creepily, he doesn't even flinch at doing this -- doesn't show that instinctive jump of concern that normal people experience when they feel something they're moving hit somebody else and cause them pain, even accidentally. Victoria clutches her head and gasps in pain, but Jonathan doesn't even appear to notice, which was very, very unsettling to me. ["Me too. When your spouse doesn't at least apologize for injuring you, he needs to not be your spouse anymore." -- Wing Chun] When they get to the clue box, Jonathan takes out his clue, raises his arms over his head, and shrieks. "YEEEAAAHH!" Up under the shelter, Lena chuckles involuntarily, because...what else can you do? I suspect that's how I'd react.
As Spazpants heads toward the other teams, Jonathan -- who apparently doesn't see them yet -- hollers, "We're number one!" "No, we're not," Victoria says with disgust. Kristy and Lena laugh more. "You're a whiner! And a complainer! And we're number one!" Jonathan shouts at Victoria as they run. "We're not number one," she repeats. "Look, there's people here, Jon, we're not number one." When they get up to the cabin, Jonathan hugs Lena and asks what number they actually are. "Three," she says. "We're three?" he says, trying to maintain his excitement. "I knew that the teams were not smart enough to find this," he says haughtily to Lena and Kristy. He points at his wife. "She had no confidence in me," he says mockingly. He warms up to a mighty, lecturing bellow, emphasizing every word with a wave of his clue: "This game teaches you about yourself. I cannot believe..." He turns to his wife, inspired. "You owe me an apology," he demands, pointing at her. "I am sorry," she says readily. "You owe me a big apology," he continues, not satisfied. "You need to look inside yourself." He gets more and more cranked up. "You need to look inside yourself and do something different," he yells. Yeah. I'll say she needs to do something different. Like running quickly away from this abusive dork as fast as your legs can carry you. I'm going to have to make my peace with this situation, because I like much of the rest of the cast and it's still a great show, but...Christ, don't they screen these people within an inch of their lives? Who let this fucker through the cracks, anyway? I personally believe that the magnitude of the blunder committed in choosing these people is serious enough that if I were in charge of it, I'd consider some new blood in casting. Bickering is one thing, but nobody wants to spend a season watching anyone suffer to this degree. And that's all I'm going to say about it, because that's all I really can say about it. But you can rest assured that whenever they cross the screen, I'm thinking it.
Kristy and Lena explain uncomfortably in an interview that they like Victoria, but that Jonathan is very nasty to her, so they don't like him. Back in the shelter, he yells, "I am so proud of myself!" It's a bizarre situation, because if I were confident he weren't hurting anyone, he would be a hysterically funny, self-parodying weirdo, but because of the way he conked Victoria on the head and didn't even seem cognizant of it...well, I've been heard at this point.
Don and MJ are at the Viking Village, fourth to arrive. Good show, you two. Basically, what has happened here is that apparently either several of the teams -- Kris and Jon, Lori and Bolo, Nuance, Hornio, and Gus and Hera -- have gotten badly lost, or Spazpants and Don and MJ, who were bunched at the Roadblock, found a better route than everyone else.
Back at the ski jump, Hayden and Aaron are ready to go, having dropped to ninth place based on a bad job driving in from the airport. Aaron takes the Roadblock and takes off at a full-on sprint toward the stairs. Hayden interviews, as Aaron zips, that she's frustrated by their loss of ground, and that she's sure they can work through the situation, "as long as [they're] not last." She's getting the hang of it.
Now arriving at the Viking Village are Lori and Bolo and Hornio, followed by Gus and Hera and Nuance. Still missing in action? Kris and Jon, who apparently biffed the trip to the village but good.
And pulling into the ski jump in last place are Meredith and Maria, finally overcoming their manual transmission tragedies. They already look rather resigned, though, as Maria decides to take the Roadblock. Meredith sniffles to the camera, as Maria prepares to go, that Maria deserves to have fun at the end of this, because she worked so well and so valiantly in the car. "She's a good...good teammate," Meredith says. I like them. I wish they were competent. Maria is completely adorable as she sets off on the zipline, making a face that reminds me very much of Sports Car Emily. Oh, Emily, I miss you. Maria screams all the way down, doing much of it with her eyes closed, and the swelling Music of Triumph is poorly chosen, because it made me look at the clock thinking, "Wait, are they eliminated already?" This is the part where you expect to hear them saying, "We had a great time; I loved doing it with my best friend," blah dee blah. But they're still on a high as they drive out of the parking lot, Maria apparently having figured out how to start the car at last.
Hayden and Aaron arrive at the Viking Village, followed finally by Meredith and Maria, who get there when, if I'm not mistaken, it is already getting to be light.
The morning, the teams gather at the dock to get into the Viking boats. Bolo explains that on his boat -- which we may know as the Boat of Clue -- are himself and Lori, Hornio, Hayden and Aaron, Kris and Jon, and Kristy and Lena. Hera explains that on her boat -- the Boat of No Clue -- there are her and her dad, Spazpants, Meredith and Maria, Freddy and Kendra, and Don and MJ. Bolo can't help noticing that most of the stronger folks are in the boat with him. As the boat is getting ready to leave, Rebecca -- who seems to have a real issue with El Hornio's sunglasses -- urges him to take them off so that he can "see better." I'm not sure rowing a boat is the kind of task for which it's important to see as well as possible, but...no reason to nitpick. At first, El Hornio tells her to "shut up," but then the funny editors go to a slo-mo shot in which you can see that he surreptitiously slips off the shades and drops them into the bottom of the boat.
The horn blows and the boats leave. From the beginning, the Boat of Clue is rowing in relatively good rhythm. The Boat of No Clue, on the other hand, is, as Don voices over, "the worst rowing crew in the history of rowing." Hee hee. Indeed, they have no coordination whatsoever. Meredith tells us that Jonathan was yelling at her, and that she was already feeling fairly emotional, so this was no help. The Boat of Clue quickly reaches the other side, and the teams jump out with their bags. Kris happily interviews that they basically smoked the other teams in the boat. As Phil explains, the clue they pick up tells them to drive to the Honefoss train station, and then take a train about 200 miles to Voss. There, they'll take a five-mile drive to a marked bridge and pick up another clue. Someone yells out that they should all leave together, but it's not particularly clear whether anyone pays any attention. At any rate, all five of the Boat of Clue teams are soon on their way. It's good, not sucking.
The Boat of No Clue is still struggling, its crew under the haranguing tongue of Jonathan. As they get out of the boat, Jonathan says, "Freddy, if you grab everything to me, I'll take everything off." "Get your own damn shit, man," Freddy says as he hops off the boat. Snerk. I think Nuance was more unhappy than anyone about being stuck on that boat, and I don't think there's anyone who was enjoying Jonathan's performance. Unfortunately, the Nuance situation deteriorates as they reach their SUV and find that they don't have their clue. They have the envelope, but not the actual clue. The camera guy, who is your friend, knows right where it is, and shows you the clue sitting on the ground, where it has fallen out. Freddy, however, says they'll just go back to the box and get another clue. Dude. You can't do that. But do it he does, and the Rattlesnake of Fucking Up sounds in the background as they make the illicit grab. Once they're going, Kendra grouses to him that they were lacking "spirit" in the boat. Apparently, their plan to make up for it with volume didn't work too well. Freddy agrees about the lack of spirit. They're also unhappy about the fact that Jonathan upset Meredith. Indeed, in her car with Maria, Meredith is still a little shaky as she explains that she really didn't appreciate being hollered at. "I'm not his wife, he doesn't have to scream at me," she says. And that's pretty goddamn sad if you think about it, isn't it? Meredith pulls it together and does the map check. Now, Jonathan is ruining other people's good time. Prick.
Kris and Jon and Bolo and Lori are feeling a little lost looking for the train station. Lena and Kristy, on the other hand, find their way straight there. And behind them? Nuance, recovering nicely from that screw-up back at the dock. And right behind them are Meredith and Maria. So two of the teams from No Clue Boat Of Spazpants Discontent made it before four of the teams from Clue Boat got it together. Either the boats weren't very far apart, or it was a fairly confusing drive.
In the Hornio car, a fight breaks out over the sunglasses. El Hornio hollers that he took them off because Rebecca told him to, and now they're lost. "If you ever tell me to take off glasses again," he snarls through clenched teeth, "I'm never going to talk to you for the rest of my life." And how Rebecca manages to sit in the back seat crying instead of laughing is a great mystery to me. They're sunglasses. You can buy more. And if you can't take off your sunglasses without losing them, that's really your problem, because they're not intended to be welded to your head for the duration of your life, so even their manufacturers anticipate that you will take them off from time to time, whether you have a demanding girlfriend or not. Do we need to give you a hook for them, like your mom used so you wouldn't use your mittens? Big baby. But Rebecca sniffles under her...plaid visor...as Hornio adjusts his ball cap, sarcastically spitting, "Thanks, Rebecca. Thank you, thank you very much." Jerk. You distracted me from commenting that her visor looks like she sewed it herself from someone's golf pants.
Spazpants at the train station. Lots of other teams. In fact, everybody is waiting together at the train station to go to Voss. When they buy their tickets, Don asks whether there's a senior discount, and it turns out that there is. Woo! He tells us that getting older sometimes pays off. I'm trying to hold out hope that that's true. As the teams wait for the train to depart, Rebecca and El Hornio stand off to the side and she tells him that their relationship is not bringing her a lot of satisfaction right now. She calls it, in fact, "so bad, all the time." He insists that it's not bad all the time. Wow, reassuring. She goes on to caution him that she's losing whatever nice feelings she's ever had for him. The other teams try desperately to look at their maps and pretend this is not going on a few feet away. "Do you want me to jump on the tracks?" he asks her. Wow, it's a tragic teenage Shangri-Las song all of a sudden. "I'm going to jump on the tracks," he says, walking toward the train tracks. "Seriously, I'm going to jump on the tracks." "You're such a drama king," she says. "Drama...king"? Please. "I'm going to jump on the tracks, if that will make it better," he says, apparently offering to die on the altar of sunglass-related bickering. It's weird the way the assholes this year are so...twinky. It's the only word I can think of. "I don't want you to...seriously..." He gets all stammery. "I don't want you...Rebecca, I don't want you not to love me." Well, honestly, how can you not love a guy who would threaten never to speak to you again over sunglasses? A good man is hard to find, after all.
The train mercifully arrives, and the teams climb aboard. Rebecca explains that El Hornio was really sorry, and that she could tell, because when he's sorry, "his whole demeanor changes." She says he's always "very caring and loving, and very remorseful." Just a hint -- "remorse" is an actual feeling, not a behavior. And if you genuinely feel remorse, one good piece of evidence is that you no longer do whatever it was for which you felt remorseful. Meaning that people who are repeatedly remorseful for the same kind of incident are not, in fact, actually remorseful, almost by definition. Just saying. They laugh happily on the train, because hey, they're a good five minutes removed from his threat to commit suicide if she didn't forgive him, so that's all water under the bridge, right?
The train arrives in Voss, and the first team off is Kris and Jon. Everyone else follows. The teams get on their way, except that Meredith and Maria are confronted with yet another manual transmission, and yet again, Maria takes a few minutes getting on the...stick. They finally get going.
A gaggle of teams arrive at the clue box at the bridge. When they rip the clue, they're confronted with a Detour. Pros. Cons. Phil takes a stroll while telling us that the choices in this particular Detour are Endurance and Accuracy. Endurance involves roller-skiing for nearly two miles, while Accuracy involves three Viking "games," beginning with a peg-tossing thing, and then an axe throw and a bow and arrow. Those last two have to be divided, in the new division of labor approach of the show, between the two team members. It's not immediately obvious which of these is better, which is, again, a nice change from some Detours past.
Lena and Kristy go for Endurance. Bolo initially suggests Accuracy. "But Accuracy is, you gotta be accurate," Lori cautions. "Okay," Bolo says. Heh. It's good he has her there to clear stuff up. Nuance heads for the roller skis, as does Hornio. Hayden talks Aaron into Endurance, and Bolo and Lori and Kris and Jon go that way as well. Gus and Hera, on the other hand, choose Accuracy. I'm really sad that we missed the opportunity to see Gus on roller skis. Because...awesome. Jonathan is running toward the Accuracy, as Victoria calls out, "It's archery and stuff, are you good at that?" "Who cares? Let's try it!" he calls back. Wait..."Who cares"? I wonder if he knows that you're allowed to try to predict your proficiency at the two Detour options before you choose which one you're going to do. Just a little trick some teams have tried.
Anyway, Spazpants starts with the peg game, the trick of which is that you have to hit all the outside ones and avoid the middle one until last. Victoria manages to hit an outside one, and is very happy. Until Jonathan knocks over the "king," which is the middle one. You can imagine the hissyfit that would have ensued on his part if the situations had been reversed, but she only jumps up and down. "Sorry, babe," he tosses off. Nothing like having a guy conking you with the trunk and calling you "babe." Gus and Hera are doing the pegs as well.
Over at the skis, Kris is nervous, pointing out that she's only skied twice in her entire life. "Do you want to go Accuracy?" he asks her. "Yeah," she says, and they switch. Nuance is having the same thought. "Let's do Accuracy, screw this," Freddy says. I have a feeling that when they saw the first couple of teams take off, some of the more deliberate teams had second thoughts about how long that might take them. Nuance does not, however, enjoy the pegs either when they get going. "Did they actually play this in ancient times?" Freddy asks. "'Cause this is the biggest waste of time I've ever seen." Clearly, he has never tried macramé. Kris and Jon and Don and MJ are not enjoying the pegs in the early going either.
Lori and Bolo are skiing, and she's having no fun. Lori racks herself. No pun intended. Bolo interviews that he was really trying not to laugh, but that it was pretty funny seeing Lori all over the place like that. In the interview, Lori does a fakey-fake laugh for the camera, and then snaps her face to dead seriousness, all, "Ha ha, not," which is kind of funny.
Much less amused by the skiing? Aaron. Who is complaining and complaining to the point where I think he's actually interfering with his own ability to get the hang of it. He also seems like he has a really high center of gravity -- is it the pecs? -- and finds this unduly difficult. In other developments, Kristy falls on her ass. Aaron keeps calling out that he wants to switch, and that "this is not safe." Hayden urges him to keep going. He falls. Hornio observes, and when Rebecca notices how Aaron is struggling, they ditch and head for Accuracy. Aaron falls again. This time, he just lies on the ground, defeated.
Commercials. The replacement of the iconic Gap Holiday ads with iconic Old Navy fleece ads at Christmas time is perhaps one of the most depressing advertising-related developments ever.
When we return, Aaron is dragging himself to his feet. Meredith and Maria head for Accuracy, though it's very hard to tell just how far behind they are. Gus and Hera are peg-throwing, and in fact, they are the first to finish the pegs. The skiers are making their way down the hill, and both Kristy/Lena and Bolo/Lori seem to be figuring out how to do it well enough to stay on their feet.
Kris and Jon polish off the pegs. Gus and Hera are doing the axe, and she's the one throwing it. When her first attempt fails, Gus tells her to hold it in both hands over her head and throw it that way. We get a glimpse of an interview in which she admits that from time to time, her father does know what he's talking about. Yeah, I hate that, too. And then she takes the axe in both hands, raises it over her head, and throws it. And indeed, it buries itself in the stump. Elsewhere, Spazpants finishes the pegs. Hornio actually quits Accuracy and completes the rare Detour Double-Bald-Snark, heading back to the skis. The rain continues as Kris buries the axe in the target. And then Gus hits the target with an arrow, and Gus and Hera are in first place heading out of the Detour. And good for them. The clue tells them that it's time to drive to the pit stop at Nesheimstunet. It's a 1,000-year-old "traditional farm," and the last team to check in "may be eliminated." Gus and Hera take off. Jon hits the arrow target, and they're out of there in second place. In the car, he and Kris are smiling and laughing, apparently just generally having such a good time that it doesn't occur to them to fight. I'd point out that they're in just as good spirits as before, despite the fact that they suffered from at least some significant navigational problems on the way to the Viking Village.
Elsewhere, Hayden glides on her skis into a bale of hay. Aaron, behind her, is doing even worse. "Honey, I'm so sorry," she says. "Please find the humor in this." And with perfect comic timing, he responds to this comment by slamming himself into the short stone wall, bouncing off it with...his head, pretty much. Hayden apologizes again, because interestingly enough, Aaron is not seeing the humor right at this moment.
Don and MJ finish the pegs, and he says he'll do the axe and she can do the bow and arrow. Nuance finishes the pegs.
Kristy and Lena and Bolo and Lori are skiing in the rain. Spazpants moves to the bow and arrow after Jonathan hits the target with the axe. Freddy hits with the axe also. MJ and Don note that they're not in last place, because Meredith and Maria are still on the pegs. So at least those two teams were on the course at the same time.
Gus and Hera stop for directions to the pit stop. Kris and Jon, on the other hand, seem to know the route without getting help, which keeps them rolling.
Don hits with the axe, but he's not too thrilled about it. "The axe sucks," he declares. Hee. Kendra and MJ work on the bow and arrow, as does Victoria. "I'm not good at this," Victoria says. "You should have had me do the other thing," she snots. Right. It's a dictatorship failure. Freddy encourages Kendra, but she turns and says, "Leave me alone, please." Heh. Yeah. MJ, meanwhile, is reminding Don that she tried archery in her youth. "I did an entire semester of college. I never hit the bale," she says. "How many times have I told you that story?" What I love is that Don is keeping up a constant, "I'm sorrysorrysorry" through this, so I suspect she's right. Don interviews that their great mistake was forgetting that MJ couldn't shoot a bow and arrow. "Wait, who made the great mistake?" she asks in the interview. He pauses. "I did," he says, and she grins. They are cute.
Spazpants is first to finish the archery and move on, of course, because the fates are not merciful today. Lena and Kristy finish skiing, and in fourth place, they move out. Bolo and Lori are done, too, and they're on the move. Still skiing in the pouring rain are Hayden and Aaron, officially in Dante's Detour Hell. They finally finish, and they move out, actually only in sixth place, so it wasn't that much of a disaster.
An SUV pulls up to the pit stop. A cow raises its head, like, "Who's driving on the grass now?" Phil and a blonde greeter look on as...Kris and Jon run toward them. Aw, yay! They land on the mat. Welcome, nice people, you are team number one. They high five, and then Phil gives them a seven-night cruise in Alaska. I totally want to go. Let's play shuffleboard!
It is sunny again when MJ finishes the archery. The weather is very mercurial in this episode. She and Don leave in seventh. Finally, Meredith and Maria complete the outer ring of the pegs, leaving only the king. This is the cause for great rejoicing, as it appears that they may someday finish this leg. Spazpants and Gus and Hera are arriving at the pit stop. They drive in together, so unsurprisingly, Spazpants is in the lead arriving at the pit stop, as they are able to narrowly defeat Gus and Hera in a footrace. They run up to Phil, who does not look excited to see them. He announces that they are team number two. Gus and Hera are team number three -- good for them. "That's good," Gus says. "That's real good," Phil says happily. I think Phil likes them. At least they don't hug him.
Kendra hits the target and they leave. I still like them. Lena and Kristy, meanwhile, appear rather lost. Meredith and Maria finally finish the pegs. Hornio skis, with Rebecca encouraging him and saying that they're in a neck-and-neck race. In a nice piece of editing, Meredith throws the axe and we watch her look around cautiously to see if it counts. Told that it does, she happily runs with Maria toward the archery, and it's only as they pass the axe target that we see the axe -- barely in the stump, with one corner in the wood, but with the thing mostly just resting with the bottom of the blade on the top of the target. They barely even injured that target.
Hornio finishes the skiing, with Rebecca hollers encouragement and they run for their car. Which...they can't find. "This isn't our car!" Rebecca hollers. And a great cut takes you straight to Don and MJ, who are in transit when MJ says, shocked, "This isn't our car." And back at the Detour, Hornio continues searching in vain for their car, unable to figure out what's gone wrong. It's one thing to lose sunglasses, but El Hornio's pretty sure that he didn't leave the car anywhere particularly suspicious.
Commercials. I can't believe anyone has acid reflux disease anymore, considering all the products available to treat it.
When we return, Hornio is still looking for its car. In the Don/MJ car, Don is saying, "We've got to go back." "No, we don't!" she says. Wow, naughty. Quite correctly, Don points out that they have to go back, because even if they didn't have someone else's car, they would have someone else's bags, and to keep on to the pit stop would be "stealing." As soon as they get back to the pit stop, Hornio immediately spots the car and recognizes it as theirs. Don and MJ jump out, Rebecca and El Hornio jump in. There's a great madcap movie in there, where some old couple runs off with your car and you have to chase them all over the country, from one senior citizen center to another. I would call it Early Bird Special. Who's with me?
It's raining as Maria continues to work on the archery. Ain't no sunshine when she's on.
Lori and Bolo hop out of their SUV and ask for directions. Hayden and Aaron, meanwhile, land on the mat as team number four, and Lori and Bolo are team number five. Lena and Kristy are working on finding their way there, but they appear to be fairly thoroughly lost. So much for cooperation. Maybe if they argued more.
And now, Nuance arrives at the mat. Phil tells them that they're the sixth team to arrive, but he also says that they have broken a race rule. Their faces fall. You see, you're not allowed to just take multiple clues if you lose yours, and after being subjected to the Boat of No Clue, that's exactly what they did. For that, they're being penalized half an hour. So they have to step off the mat and wait half an hour before they can be checked in. ["Bullshit. That penalty is not enough. If a team were to do the same thing and take an extra clue so that another team didn't get one, affecting game play as did not happen this time, would the penalty be only half an hour? Sometimes that might be worth risking. The penalty should have been at least an hour." -- Wing Chun] Once they're over in their waiting area, Kendra asks Freddy if he thinks that, in thirty minutes, four more teams will all arrive. "It's very possible, yes," he says sadly. Yeah, that's a pretty boneheaded screw-up. That would be a bad way to go out.
In the Don and MJ car, she's apologizing for yelling -- probably while they were switching the cars, but also in general. She tells Don how much she loves him, but he really doesn't seem all that concerned about it. He strikes me as one of those husbands where she apologizes for the fact that there's been so much tension between them, and he's like, "Uh, tension?" It's the up side of guys who don't notice any of their own emotions -- sometimes, they miss the part where they're mad at you.
Hornio pulls up and lands on the mat. Rebecca is laughing hysterically as usual, although she doesn't get to cackle in anyone's face this time, which I'm sure is quite a disappointment. Phil checks them in sixth, as Nuance looks on unhappily. And then Don and MJ show up and are checked in. Kendra sniffles in Freddy's lap, wondering whether she's about to get penaliminated. Meredith and Maria finally finish the archery and get going.
Lena and Kristy, who did not do well with this drive at all, explain in their car that they're certainly hoping some other people screwed up, because they know they've bled a lot of time trying to get to the pit stop.
Nuance continues to wait out their penalty, as she sits with his arms around her. I know she's sad, so I'm trying not to spend this time mooning over her boyfriend. Because...that's mean.
Meredith and Maria drive for the pit stop. Lena and Kristy drive. While they're still driving, Freddy and Kendra are allowed onto the mat, and Phil checks them in. Now, they are welcomed as team number eight. They share a smooch and a smile, and they agree that still being in it is all that matters. I certainly hope they will not be repeating that kind of bonehead maneuver.
At the mat, Phil and the greeter await the last team to arrive safely. He stares off into space. We get the anticipatory who-will-arrive shot. Time. Passes. Slowly. And arriving are...Lena and Kristy! Yay, that made me happy. They check in ninth and hug. I really like the fact that, in spite of having really different personalities (apparently), Lena and Kristy like each other a lot. They're Bald-Snarky in that way. I dig them. That makes a solid five or six teams out of nine who are still in it who I basically like (depending on whether I count Lori and Bolo), one (Hayden and Aaron) that the jury is still out on, and only two I don't like. That's not a bad set of odds for this point in the race, really. How I do wish they hadn't cast Spazpants, because it's a blot on the season, which is otherwise off to a damn good start.
Anyway, arriving just in time for their Philimination, here come Meredith and Maria. They are unsurprised to be told that they are last, and they are booted. They hug, and they interview about how much they dig each other, and how they're best friends. I think they had a pretty good time, and that's nice.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Not everything at Ikea is simple. And it looks like Jonathan is warming up to elbow his wife in the eye, so that'll be a hoot.