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Previously on Some Say Your Relationship Will End In Fire, Some Say In Iceland: The starting line and race to the backpacks proved less of an opportunity for bloodshed than last time, but we quickly discovered that for several of these couples, the condition most likely to end in injury was the outbreak of hostilities, rather than the usual lack of coordination. Spazpants proved that being a deeply unpleasant human being does not always correlate with high-quality racing, as it did with Colin. Hornio proved that they hadn't made an adequate study of race history before embarking on their journey, because...diesel. Honestly. Gus used snow as a cleaning agent, Hayden and Aaron didn't take to Lori and her frozen implants, and Avi and Joe searched for a clue among the ice and only got colder and colder. In the end, Brooklyn went down in flames after an ill-fated decision not to trust and then outrun Gus. Kris and Jon? Kristy and Lena? Really just happy to be here, and not so much into the fighting, bless them. Missing in action: taxis.
Credits. Aw. The team that cannonballs together stays together. [BOMP.]
If you're too distracted by Payless sales to think about your child's birthday, you need therapy, not slingbacks. Don't get me wrong; I buy shoes there. But if you're going to forsake your child for material possessions, save your neglect for something expensive.
Mountains! Glaciers! Geysers! Phil tells us that we are Iceland, "known as the land of fire and ice." But they decided not to call it Fireland, so it wouldn't be overrun with strip joints. And then...Volcano! Phil reminds us that we are at the Blue Lagoon, a hot spring in the middle of a lava field. So if you see anything orange, viscous, and runny on the ground, don't drink it. A good rule in most places, really. Phil gives the Opening Patter ("No Idea What's In Store" Variation), so, rather than eat/sleep/mingle footage, we get the shot of the waving red-and-yellow flags. It's probably just as well. I don't need direct evidence that Jonathan pounded his head against the wall and yelled "WOOOO!" for twelve consecutive hours. And -- Exposition Hands! Oh, how I've missed your tender cuticles. Phil wonders whether Jonathan and Victoria's constant fighting will motivate them, or whether they will one day be punished as they are punishing Viewers Like You. Phil also wonders whether Gus and Hera can crawl out of last place. And in Gus's case, it seems like the crawling might be kind of literal.
4:57 AM. Hayden and Aaron. The clue tells them to fly to Oslo, and Phil explains that after flying about 1,000 miles, they'll have to drive 35 more, to the Holmenkollen Ski Jump. Little-Known Fact: "Holmenkollen" is Norwegian for "AIIEEEE!" As Hayden and Aaron leave, he explains in a voice-over that they met ten months ago, and that there are still things they're learning about each other. Wait, after ten whole months? Impossible! The fingerprinting shouldn't take that long, and after that, it's really just a matter of bribing the Department of Homeland Security. Aaron says, as he did last week, that Hayden can be bossy, but that it's her personality, and that he likes that about her. One of the rules of reality television, as you know, is that whatever you do is okay, as long as it's your personality. The right -- the obligation -- of every person to be enslaved by his or her id is in the Magna Carta. And the Bible, and Robert's Rules of Order, and The Communist Manifesto. Nice people are phonies, so thank God for the bastards and harpies who keep it real.