Previously on Our Future's So Bright, Provided He Doesn't Lose His Shades: El Hornio was so angry about being told to take off his sunglasses that he threatened to never speak to Rebecca again. When she showed discomfort with the dynamic, he made her feel a lot better about their relationship by threatening a very melodramatic, Teen Angel-like suicide. Fortunately, they came up with something else to concentrate on when Don and MJ accidentally drove off in their car. The car was returned in due time, but probably with changes made to all the radio station presets so that every button they pushed played Bobby Darin. Freddy and Kendra also biffed the leg by snagging themselves an extra clue, so they sat out an agonizing half-hour penalty at the finish line. Aaron did not enjoy the part of roller-skiing where he kept leaving body parts smeared on the pavement. Or the part where he smacked his head into a railing. Other than that, it was a delight. Meredith and Maria didn't know how to drive stick, weren't very good with directions, took a long time with Viking games, and ultimately found themselves on the wrong side of Philimination. Nine teams left. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, the dog takes a big chomp out of Jonathan's face. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Thank you, Denise Austin, for giving the finger to actual fitness so you can hawk nutrition bars. Go join Suze Orman, who, like you, just finished auctioning off her credibility for what is undoubtedly a hefty sum and can probably fill you in on the tax consequences.
We roll into Norway, and because it is Scandinavia and they never have wars, the music is ringing and has chimes, and the usual belligerent synthesizer noises are getting the week off. Phil claims that the landscape of Norway -- the whole country -- "goes relatively untouched by the modern world." Sure, they're producing a few million barrels of oil a day, but really, civilization has barely arrived in this chilly burg. Just as we all find ourselves pining for the fjords, Phil emerges on a hillside to tell us that in the countryside, there is a farm, E-I-E-I-Ø, and on that farm there was a pit stop, E-I-E-I-Ø. And for once, I can say I approve of the way Phil is dressed. The green flatters him, and his pants don't look like they're hiked up to his armpits the way they sometimes do.
Again, we are getting the non-E/S/M version of the opening patter, so...Exposition Hands good, no footage of Freddy getting out of the shower, bad. (It's comforting to know that over six seasons, some things remain constant, now isn't it?) What's funny is that they still have the old part of that patter where Phil says they "figure out how to get" to the spot "by solving clues." Which once was true, but sadly is not true anymore. Ought to change that wording, probably, to something like, "teams will have to figure out how to get to the yellow and red route marker by reading the directions that say, 'Go here, bonehead.'" It's not like plenty of the teams don't still find it a challenge. Anyway, Phil wonders whether Hornio will keep fighting -- maybe over socks this time, or a bar of soap -- and whether Lena and Kristy will remain in last place.
2:47 AM. Here go Kris and Jon, who are currently flying the flag of My Favorite Team, despite wearing headlamps. They open the clue, and she -- smiling, of course -- reads that they're supposed to go by bus to Stockholm. Phil says that this will start with a ten-mile drive back to Voss, and then a train and a bus to get to Stockholm. There, they'll find a hotel containing the Icebar (actually the Absolut Icebar, but with no product placement fee, they won't be telling you so), which is, as you might be able to intuit, a bar made entirely of ice. They build a similar palace once a year in my neck of the woods, but I have to admit I've never been seized by the urge to socialize there. From the introductory footage of the Ice Bar, it looks like they have an ice sculpture of a moose or something, which I would make fun of if my neck of the woods weren't also famous for carving women's likenesses in butter. Kris and Jon leave, with him saying they just want to keep going and "stay the course." And "go for the gold." He's going to run out of clichés pretty soon, so he ought to pace himself. Slow and steady wins the race!
2:53 AM. Spazpants. Victoria explains that they do bicker, because Jonathan "has his own way of doing things." She goes on: "It's one of the things that I love about him the most, because he's never boring." Never boring? Neither is putting metal pans in the microwave or dipping your feet in lye, but that doesn't make either of those things a good idea. Besides, he is boring. The notion that being an asshole is inherently fascinating is one of the big myths I'd like to see disappear, in spite of the number of poets and musicians it has apparently inspired to greatness. One domineering prick is often very much like another, and it isn't as if he invented intramarital contempt. Speaking of contempt, in the car, Jonathan refuses to believe that Victoria, as she claims, has heard of the Icebar. She tries to tell him she heard about it from her Swedish friend, but he spits, "Oh, please, Victoria." I would point out that it's hard to be menacing in a shiny electric blue shirt and what appears to be a black bucket hat.
2:54 AM. Gus and Hera. They reveal the $363 allotment of cash for the leg. Another palindrome! Discuss some more! In a speech I was sure suggested their imminent Philimination, Hera says that she's proud of her dad, who has done some things she would not have known he could do. "One thing I can say about my dad is, he's die-hard," she says. True, and yet? Walking everywhere will eventually catch up to you. And I don't actually want to see Gus literally die hard, in the arterial sense. Although I wouldn't mind hearing him say, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker."
3:06 AM. Hayden and Aaron. She says as they get into their car that they're here to win, won't go in half-assed, blah dee blah. That woman is wearing some low-riding pants. I hope the pixelizing team is at the ready.
3:07 AM. Lori and Bolo rip their clue. He complains to us that he's gotten six hours of sleep in four days, and if that's true? Bad pit stop management. You've got to sleep, dude. Just ask Millie. You do not want that ending for yourself, even if you wouldn't have her specific problem of being lost in a jungle of your own hair.
3:20 AM. Hornio. El Hornio explains to us that his ability to "take care of Rebecca" has been obscured by the fact that she's had to hold his hand so much because he's "scared of a lot of things." Like...what, like the zip line? What else has there been to be scared of? I know he's not going to say he was scared about losing the damn sunglasses. Or he'd better not. "[El Hornio] is like a five-year-old a lot of the time, and I have to treat him as such," Rebecca says. Oh my gosh, that is soooo romantic! And it's way easier to shop for Valentine's Day when your boyfriend still likes dinosaurs. She adds that she's sometimes not sure whether she's his girlfriend, his mother, or his babysitter. I think any time that question even comes up, you really do want to answer, "D," for "none of the above." In the car, she tells him not to make any mistakes with the driving. Thanks, Mom.
3:46 AM. Freddy and Kendra. Her thought for the day is that Freddy will learn in time that it's counterproductive to freak out over small mistakes. She still thinks they have a great shot at winning, in spite of their bad Norway leg. I almost don't recognize her without her do-rag. Maybe it's her modeling gimmick. She's Purple Bandanna Girl, like Kate Dillon is the Gigantically Fat Size 14.
, Phil explains that Don and MJ arrived in seventh place, but they'll be leaving in eighth place, because they took a 30-minute penalty for swiping Hornio's car. Bad Don and MJ! So they're leaving at 3:54 AM -- only eight minutes after Hornio, even with the penalty. MJ explains that they had intended to rely on their "experience" and "intelligence," and so far, they've used neither. Heh.
4:05 AM. Lena and Kristy. (So, yes, even had the penalty been applied at the end of the leg, the same team would have been eliminated.) Lena groans loudly in the car at the prospect of taking a bus all the way to Stockholm. I've seen that distance estimated at just under 260 miles, so...that is not a particularly punishing bus ride, really. Kristy explains that they want to depend on other people very little in this leg. She thinks they do better when they work alone. Besides, they don't risk running into Jonathan and his cavalcade of excitement.
Kris and Jon are at a Shell station in Voss, inquiring about trains to Oslo. Just behind them, here comes Spazpants into town, seemingly going directly to the station. Victoria goes over to squint at some kind of an Arr/Dep board, but she can't make heads or tails of it. You know, it just might be in Norwegian. Jonathan is on her ass for "not hustling," of course. Gus and Hera show up, and when they ask what the story is, Jonathan tells them that everything seems to be closed up. Kris and Jon, having completed their gas-station research, come to the train station and are told by Hera that the station doesn't look like it opens until 6:00 AM. Wacky honking accompanies the approach of Lori and Bolo. Because they're the villains in a Claymation Christmas special, apparently. They're bickering a little, but interestingly, when he shouts and she says, "Don't yell," he apologizes. That sounded to me like they're actually trying to yell at each other less on purpose, which is something it would be nice to see from a few more teams. They make it to the train station, followed by Hayden and Aaron, Hornio, Nuance, Don and MJ, and Lena and Kristy. So everybody is mass-bunched, and we're all waiting until morning.
The old Norwegian clock on the wall moves from 3:45 to 6:00 AM, and all the teams board the same train from Voss to Oslo. On the train, Aaron gets his first really excellent mouth-breathing shot of the season. The thing you know, the Amazing World Map shows their route from Oslo to Stockholm by bus, and then the bus is pulling into Stockholm. I love the fact that their bus is labeled "Safflebussen." I realize it's annoying to find foreign languages cute, but how can you have bad time on the Safflebussen? It sounds like you just rode into town on the back of Snuffleupagus's Swedish cousin. At the bus station, everyone hops out and barges into the luggage compartment of the bus to get their stuff, undoubtedly making the Safflebussen non-TV-related proletariat very annoyed. Damn pushy Americans. Everyone runs, but Jonathan and Victoria lag slightly, so he screams her name, because she's too slow, and yelling helps. The teams do not all leave the bus station going in the same direction, but Hornio seems to be following Lori and Bolo. "Are you sure which direction?" El Hornio asks. "Yep, we're going to take a right," Bolo says. Gus and Hera actually go the opposite direction from the way those teams are going. Unfortunately, when Gus and Hera get to the corner, it's not the street name they expect, so something seems to be amiss.
First to find their way into the hotel and get to the Icebar are Hayden and Aaron, who do seem to navigate pretty competently most of the time. They rip the clue, which tells them that they have to slide a shot glass made out of ice down the bar and get it to stop on a target. So it's vaguely shuffleboard-like. As we examine the winter gear that they'll have to wear into the bar, Phil explains that the nightclub is kept at "a chilling 23 degrees." And they're making them wear parkas? Ha ha ha...awesome. Because you do not need a shiny parka with a fur hood when it's 23 degrees. It's a nice visual, but if it's 23 degrees and you're not staying long, you barely need gloves, let alone something that looks like it was developed in an underground Gore-Tex lab for an attack on Antarctica. (Damn revolutionary penguins.) Anyway, Phil explains that only one of the two people on the team needs to hit the target in order to get the clue. If you miss, you go to the back of the line.
Just behind Hayden and Aaron are Kris and Jon and Nuance. Aaron's first attempt goes clean off the side of the bar. Hayden overshoots the target entirely. Kris and Jon's early luck isn't much better, as we see Kristy and Lena arrive, then Spazpants. And then Don and MJ, so perhaps Bolo wasn't as sure of where he was going as he thought. The teams are closed into the bar behind a fur-lined door. Oh, yeah, you heard me. A lot of missed shots follow at the bar. And then, here come Lori and Bolo and Hornio. Still outside, wandering the streets? Gus and Hera.
More people screw up the ice thing. First to get it right is Jon, and he puts some technique down, too, complete with proper follow-through and -- watch the glass go down the bar -- spin. So My Favorite Team is the first to get out of the Icebar. Woo! They read the clue outside, and it tells them to go to a particular "neighborhood" -- which, because it's part of the phrase "neighborhood known as" in the clue, Jon initially tongue-twists as "no-borhood," which would be a great word to use for an area you live in but hate. ("They don't even have a decent coffee place in my no-borhood.") Anyway, in this neighborhood, they will find the world's biggest...Ikea. Oh, seriously? Come on. That's, like, the one piece of Swedish culture everyone in America has already seen. I find this an incredibly disappointing choice, because...Ikea? What are they going to do, find all the lamps featured on The Real World? This sucks. Interestingly, the "world's largest" Ikea doesn't look, in the aerial shot, that much different from the huge one that just went in near me. Anyway, they'll have to search the Ikea for their clue. Maybe it will be near the incredibly culturally significant 200-thread-count sheet sets. In the taxi, Kris is all excited about what a great job Jon did with the shot glass.
Gus and Hera continue searching. out of the Icebar are Lori and Bolo, after he lands on about a two-millimeter area of the target. Outside, Gus tells Hera he can't run a whole lot more. Inside, Don and MJ leave the Icebar when he lands squarely on the target. Hee. See, now, this isn't bunching -- this is scrambling, which is different. Those in the lead had every chance to stay in the lead or give up the lead, depending on their success at the task. They just, in certain cases, didn't. Outside, Gus is unhappy. "What a time to be lost," he says miserably. Not that there's a great time to be lost during this particular game.
Commercials. I don't care what Lands' End [sic] says; your dog does not want a sweater for Christmas. He told me. He already doesn't like you. Get him a rawhide bone or he's running away.
When we come back, Gus and Hera are asking someone for the Nordic Sea Hotel where the Icebar is, and it appears that they are actually right in front of it. "It is here," says the guy, which is always what you hope your giver of directions will tell you. Sort of the racing version of "You're soaking in it." They go inside at last, queuing up while there are indeed still some folks left at the shot glass phase. There, Rebecca warms up, says, "Magic one!", and slides a glass right off the bar. Hey, not all magic is happy magic. Ask the toad you see with a little crown on his head. to get out are Kristy and Lena, then Spazpants. Hayden and Aaron -- who, you'll remember, arrived first -- finally hit the target, leaving Freddy and Kendra, Hornio, and the just-arrived Gus and Hera. Hornio hits . So it's Gus and Hera and Nuance now, even up at the Icebar. Gus is the person to land it, so despite their navigation problems, Gus and Hera are only second-to-last out of the bar. But right behind them are Freddy and Kendra, after she finally gets the glass in place. The teams basically leave together, and in her taxi, Hera notes that she thinks the task was "all about patience," because they got out so quickly. I'm not sure that proves it's all about patience, but it might prove it's not random. Oh, and Freddy pronounces the name of the store in the clue "Eye-key-ay." I suspect they wrote it in all-caps, as it sometimes appears, so that might have been misleading. Maybe he thinks it's an acronym for International Knives, End tables, and Armoires.
Speaking of old Eye-key-ay, Kris and Jon are pulling up in first place, but when they investigate, they find that the doors are locked until 10:00 AM. Other teams arrive one by one, so it's a great big bunch outside the store, waiting for the morning. As a music guy toodles some tinkly music that reminds me of Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood, we see that all the teams are camping out for the night. Before you know it, it's morning, and they're all running in together. And up the escalator! Past the coffee tables! There is a lot of wandering in the store, as it isn't even entirely clear where the task is going to be found.
Running! Amongst the bookshelves!
The first to find the clue box is Hornio, with Bolo and Lori close behind. They grab the clue, which is a Detour. You know, with pros and cons. Here, they're choosing between two possible tasks "that might be assigned to an Ikea employee." Other than "keep the reality show contestants from breaking shit." The choice is, in fact, between Count It and Build It. In Count It, you go to a series of three bins and count all of the stuffed animals, pots and pans contained therein. You then get a total, and you turn it in. And how many items are there? There are 2304 items. So that's going to take a while, and it's got a lot of room for error. In Build It, you build a particleboard desk. My mother and I kick the ass of knock-together furniture, as we discovered when she helped me move into my Portland apartment. So if it were me and Mom, I'm just saying? We'd make the desk, and any parts that were left over, we would frown at and say, "Huh." Hornio and Lori and Bolo both head for Count It. El Hornio seems a little reluctant about the counting, but Rebecca snorts when he even suggests building the desk. Because you never give a screwdriver to a five-year-old. When Don and MJ get to the clue, she first suggests the desk, but he votes for the counting, and they wind up heading for that. Spazpants finds the clue after MJ points it out for them -- stop that, MJ! Jonathan wants Build It. "Assemble it, assemble it -- you're good at that!" he says. Now, how he would know that Victoria has special furniture-assembly skills is a bit of a mystery to me, but where Jonathan is concerned, I try to pace myself, puzzlement-wise. ["That he gave her credit for being good at something is even more puzzling." -- Sars]
Hayden -- whose collection of strappy tank tops rivals mid-run Joey Potter, but who shows a lot more boob than Ms. Katie Holmes ever did -- isn't sure which Detour to choose. Aaron leans toward the building, but when he runs into Nuance, those two teams decide to both go and count instead. Kris and Jon? Nope. They'll take the building, thank you very much. What I like about them is that they don't agonize; they just pick an option and go, which I think is probably smart. Lena and Kristy pick counting, too, but Gus and Hera head to Build It.
Lori and Bolo, still traveling with Hornio -- is this an alliance in development? -- are looking for the counting, which is supposedly located at a "marked area." "Right here, right here," he says, marching toward...nothing in particular. "That ain't a marked area!" she says in disbelief. "Okay, I was just looking," he says. Heeee hee. Oh, Bolo. That was what "right here, right here" meant, huh? Just "I want to look right here, right here"?
When the first clump of teams finds its way to the bins, Hayden is put off by the imposing number of items. "Oh my God, you guys," she says. "Should we build?" "This is going to take forever," Aaron agrees. "Build." And off they go. They open up the boxes, while Nuance, which has decided to stick with counting, tackles the bins. Kendra takes the stuffed animals and suggests that Freddy do the pots and pans. Hornio splits it up, too, again with the girl taking the stuffed animals. El Hornio holds up a pack of two pans, saying he doesn't know how to count it. "Those are two pans," she says, and I do think that if the clue said to count the number of pots and pans, rather than the number of packs of pots and pans, the teams should have gotten it right. (If it said "items"? Tougher.) As always, reading the clue is essential. Lori and Bolo start counting, as do Lena and Kristy. Don and MJ are running behind even finding the counting bins, and that's not a good sign, particularly.
Jonathan pours out the box of parts for the desk. Victoria tells him to find the directions and lay out all the pieces. Hayden calls Aaron "baby," so...not much to report there that's new. Kris and Jon open the desk boxes, as do Gus and Hera. We watch several teams counting, and it's clear that they're not sure what's going to be most efficient at first. If I were doing it, I think I would have had one counter and one recorder, and the counter would have simply counted ten of something by twos, and then said "ten," and the recorder would make a hash mark. I think you can get the counting down to about two items a second by that method, meaning you'd be done in under 20 minutes. Don't get me wrong -- I think the desk is faster than any way of doing the counting, but I wouldn't have tried to have two people counting and running separate totals. Too easy to screw up. This is a task where the risk isn't how long it will take you; the risk is getting it wrong and having to start over, so it seems like it's well worth a slightly more deliberate method to make sure you get it right the first time. Thus endeth this edition of Armchair Quarterbacking By Somebody Who Will Never Have To Put Her Money Where Her Mouth Is, So Who Cares What She Thinks, Really?
Of course, the best part is where Bolo is counting by twos, and he says, "66, 68...80." See, that's why I wouldn't have two people doing it. One mistake like that, and you blow half an hour of work. Moreover, some of the teams have trouble because they're counting out loud and competing with each other -- another reason to only be running one count.
Building appears to be easier. Kris and Jon are putting together the desk, and as he turns a screw, he makes a little power drill noise, which is pretty cute. Hayden bugs Aaron to hurry up, because Kris and Jon are catching up to them. Gus and Hera are plugging along nicely. Spazpants? Oh, they're freaking out, unsurprisingly. Jonathan says, "I don't know how to work with you right now." Let me guess: he's going to try screaming at some point. Did I get it right?
Lena and Kristy are having trouble, because Lena lost count and had no pen. Yeah, that's not good. You certainly don't do this without pen and paper. And then I think El Hornio jumps in and starts taking something Rebecca was counting, so they're screwed, too. Lori and Bolo have lost track of a number also, and wind up bickering over whose fault it is. Don and MJ finally find the counting. Oy. At least they seem to try the one-person-at-a-time method. Kris and Jon and Gus and Hera are both making nice progress. Lena and Kristy take to their "supervisor" a final answer of 1891. Nope. I think (and their post-game interviews suggested) that this is partly the result of not being sure how to count the pots and pans. Whatever mistake the girls made, it might be a similar mistake to whatever one Freddy and Kendra made, because Freddy and Kendra now guess 1872. With both of those teams, they're off by more than 400, and their guesses are only separated by 19, so I'm thinking maybe they made a similar misstep. Bolo and Lori have a totally different total, which is 1985. Lori is immediately onto the problem, which is that Bolo counted the packs of pans as one, rather than two. Sharp editing takes you straight from that comment to Don and MJ, whom you can see are throwing packs of pots and pans into a bin and doing the same thing -- counting each pack as one, rather than counting the individual items. Rebecca takes her supervisor a number, and hers is wrong, too. She tries to give herself a pep talk as she and El Hornio dive back into the bin of animals. "Okay, this is fun," she instructs her own reluctant brain. Speaking of reluctant brains, Bolo tries to add 259 and 38 in his head.
Over at Spazpants Junction, Victoria is talking about where the pegs go, and Jonathan suddenly screams, "Stop with the pegs!" Considering that Phil said they had to use every piece, it seems to me that she's pretty wise not to put the entire thing together and then figure out that the pegs go inside a joint she's already screwed together, so I don't know what his damn problem is -- not that I do usually. Somebody says, "Don't yell!" and the editing suggests it's Aaron, so that would be one point for him. In happier news, Kris and Jon show off their desk to the nice lady. "Pretty nice, huh?" he says proudly. Hee hee. She approves it and gives them their clue. You'll notice they weren't even first to start building the desk, but just as they've excelled at navigating and just about everything else, they kicked ass at that. They read the clue, which says that they have to take a train to the Haggvik station and ride a tandem bike two miles to a "rural farm" (that's what it's called on-screen -- "Rural Farm") where they will find a clue. They run for the entrance.
Now, Kristy guesses 3168. Wow. Where'd that come from? They're over by more than 800. Something got counted multiple times, or else they overcompensated and decided that handles and pots had to be counted separately. Nuance comes achingly close with a guess from Freddy of 2309. So that time, it would appear that they did it right, they just had a couple of glitches. Gus and Hera have no glitches, however, as they finish putting their desk together. She voices over that she let her dad take the lead, so that they were like a surgeon and a nurse, because she didn't think both of them could lead. That may be right. And it works for them, because off they go, in second place. "They got their clue, Victoria," Jonathan spits at his wife. What's more, Hayden and Aaron are getting theirs, too. It would appear that the Spazpants Plan for World Domination has fallen on hard times.
Elsewhere, Kris and Jon are seeking subway directions. They decide to run rather than trying to get a taxi. Gus and Hera? Yeah, not so much. It's a taxi for them, all the way to the subway station. Hayden and Aaron want to run for it as well, so they're off.
Back at Counting Purgatory, Nuance guesses 2226, to which the lady does not say "Getting colder," but just tells them they're not right. "I can't count these again; I can't," Freddy says. MJ and Don predictably wind up way under, given what we've already seen, and their guess is 1805. Kristy, meanwhile, says that they just have to "zone everybody out" and count very carefully. We see them go to the supervisor with...2304. "Is that your final answer?" the lady asks. Oh, Swedish game show humor, how droll you are. They confirm that this is their final answer. She produces the clue, and Kristy gives Lena a look of enormous shock and relief. Bolo and El Hornio, however, look unamused. Lena and Kristy manage to leave in fourth place -- ahead of Spazpants, which takes off . "I love your country, every country," Jonathan says to the very, very cute man who gives him the clue. I'm sure the guy's like, "Glad you approve. Take a meatball. Go away." Outside, Lena and Kristy hop into a cab. Spazpants is right behind.
First to the subway station, logically, are Gus and Hera. Gus, again, looks very tired and can hardly breathe. That's just uncomfortable to watch, a little. Inside, they ask for tickets, but when they get there, they learn that the station doesn't take U.S. dollars, so they're going to have to change some money. Maybe they can change it into an oxygen tank. Kris and Jon are at the subway station , then Hayden and Aaron. These teams exchange a friendly high-five. "Did you hear Jonathan screaming at Victoria?" Hayden says.
And that takes you directly to the back of the Spazpants cab, home of the most uncomfortable Race scene of all time. Jonathan is indeed screaming at Victoria, and the quarters are very tight, because they've of course got their sound guy crammed in the back seat with them. At the absolute top of his lungs, he yells, "WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK?" She starts to point to where they need to go on the map, and he grabs away what she's looking at and leans into the front seat with the driver. "We've got to go there," she insists. "We are there," he snarls back. "We're not -- no," she says, reaching over to fuss with the papers he's holding. He, with elbows and arms, shoves her hard to the side, out of the way, and into the sound guy, of course, as he yells, "Can I TALK to him?" "It's not right," she says as she rebounds back toward him. "We're --" And then his arm comes up. One arm, elbow cocked, in such a way that if he flings his arm sideways, his elbow will crack her jaw. And when he does, she unmistakably flinches to the side with her head. And...it's not just the arm that stayed with me. It's the flinch. It's not just a startled jump. It's not really even a startled jump. It's protective, the way you'd put your arms in front of you in dodgeball so you could take it on the forearms. You would hope she just moved out of the way of the elbow in case she got caught with it accidentally.
It's just so sad that they made the decision to bring these people. It's such a good show, and I think the casting is much better, in an overall sense, than it's been for a couple of seasons. They haven't had this many likable, basically competent and functional teams in several seasons, and...I mean, you know I adopted this show the first time I saw it, and you know how much I love it. I would be so pleased with the season so far if not for this. But bringing these people? This is trashy. The rest of the show isn't, but these scenes are just trashy. It isn't entertaining to watch a woman -- a real woman, who really exists -- look like she's flinching in fear. This isn't fun. What are we supposed to do? I mean, with guys who just yell a lot, you can hope the woman will break up with the guy, but you can also say, "Well, I wouldn't have dinner with them, but some people yell and it works for them; whatever." I didn't like Colin, and I didn't like the way he and Christie talked to each other, but I never got the impression that she was afraid of him, or that she had any cause to be. But when an expression looks like it might be fear, it doesn't leave a person much of a logical response. Do you...feel concern? Do you decide to not feel concern? Are you supposed to wonder if you're being had by a guy who wants to be famous? Is it...supposed to be funny if you are? It's just a horrifically bad decision on somebody's part. Everyone knows by now the psychological testing these people go through. I'm never going to believe they didn't know about this. Or at least that there was a vibe of this, or that there might be. Whatever, there's nothing that can be done about it, I hope you don't mind if I don't dwell on it. Future incidents of screeching, berating, and hollering will probably be dealt with in as little space as possible. The recaps are plenty long enough without giving you the details, and really, I wouldn't know how to begin to make jokes, because it's...upsetting.
So Spazpants? Is at the train station.
Inside, Gus and Hera narrowly miss the train carrying Kris and Jon and Hayden and Aaron. And then they are joined by Lena and Kristy and Spazpants. Those three teams board the train.
Back at Ikea, Freddy is (heh) sitting in the bin as he finishes counting a load of stuffed animals. Kendra goes over to the supervisor. "Is it...2304?" The clue emerges. Kendra literally jumps for joy, and Freddy leans back in relief, hooting. Don and MJ and Lori and Bolo are despondent. As Freddy and Kendra leave, we return to Hornio. "Is it 2-3-0-4?" Rebecca asks. Clue! They hug. Don curses his existence. You know, silently. Bolo presents another wrong answer to the lady in charge of him. Don walks over to his lady. "Please," he says, "we're the oldest people in the..." She laughs good-naturedly. "It's got to be," he whispers, "2-0-9-7," he says, out of breath and miserable. "2-0-9-7," he repeats. "I'm sorry, no," she says. "It's mind-exhausting," says Lori, who is sitting elsewhere with Bolo. Don is beside himself. He rubs his head. "We're 40 years older than all the rest of them," he says. "I'm sorry," the woman says sympathetically. "2-0-9-8?" he says. "If I say it? 2-0-9-9?" She tells him no, and gestures back toward the stuff to recount. MJ calls out to him. "Is it wrong?" she says. "It's wrong," he says. They return to counting.
There were people who got an actual attempt to cheat from that scene, but I don't see it. The only time he says "please" is before he offers his answer. I thought he just was desperately hoping it would be right. "Please let this be right," not "Please give me the clue, even if it's not right." And when he started guessing, like it was an auction, I don't think he was at all trying to cheat; I think he was just trying to figure out whether you could do it that way. I mean, when she said he was wrong, he only mentioned being old in pursuit of starting to guess numbers, so I just didn't see anything nefarious there. It's just impossible for me to believe that anyone -- especially a team that just took a penalty -- would think they'd get away with getting the clue without saying the answer. There's a camera right there, and you're wired for sound the entire time. It's just not believable to me that he was trying to pull anything. The guy's just really tired.
Anyway, Bolo calls the whole thing "freaking ridiculous." He is miserable. And Don has his head down on the bin. He is not looking good at all.
Commercials. Wow, the Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison collection. There's a cultural swimming pool into which I have long hoped to dive headfirst.
Back at the bins, MJ is trying to pull Don back into the game. "So, we're going to count again," she says. He voices over that he was "out of [his] mind with fatigue," and adds, "It's not rocket science to count bears, but I thought I couldn't do it." Yep, this is very, very early Killer Fatigue: Loss Of Concentration Variation. It's a really common thing, it just usually takes longer to show up.
Over at Lori and Bolo's bin, he takes two packs of pans off the floor and throws them into one of the bins. "I've got to recount the other ones," he says. He reaches down and takes two more, and lays them into the bin as he says, "Let me count them again." "What are you doin'?" she asks. He freezes. He puts the two he just had back on the floor. "You didn't!" she says miserably. "How many'd you put in there?" she asks. "Two," he says, not reaching for the other two he just put in that box as well. "I hope it was just two. Was it two?" "Two or three," he says. Well...four, actually, but...three, four, does precision really matter? Oh, it does? Never mind. Lori snorts and goes back to square one, it appears.
Nuance is heading for the train, as he explains to her that a subway is a kind of train. Hee hee. Hornio is snagging a cab, and then Nuance gets one, too.
Now, the first two teams are jumping off at Haggvik station. Kris and Jon get away on the tandem bike first, Hayden still doing a bit of grousing as she climbs aboard. Kris and Jon get going, but Hayden is dismayed by the fact that she can't see from the back seat, and the fact that Aaron's backpack is smacking her in the face. Heh. I can't believe, by the way, that they got through this entire episode without, apparently, anyone singing "Bicycle Built For Two." Because I totally would have. Or at the very least, I'd be humming the Wicked Witch theme.
Hornio and Nuance at the subway station together, but Hornio gets a few steps ahead, and Nuance winds up not making it on the same train they do. "When's the one come?" Kendra asks Freddy as they stand on the platform having just missed the train. "Ten minutes," he says. She predicts the other teams will catch up with them while they're waiting. Her purple bandanna agrees.
Back at Ikea, Don and MJ have found a new final count. So have Lori and Bolo. Don and MJ's final count is 1876. Only four away from one of Freddy and Kendra's early guesses, you'll note. "I'm sorry, it's wrong," the lady tells them. Don says that he thinks they need to bail out and build the desk, and as much as I'm against Bald-Snarking the Detours in most cases, I would make an exception for this one, because the more frustrated and tired you get, the worse your odds probably are of getting it right. And it's not a Detour where you lose any invested work, really -- you're at square one all over again either way, so you've got a fresh decision staring you in the face every time you start over. To the suggestion that they switch, MJ just nods and says, "Okay." I don't think she wants to count any more damn bears, either. I would have started twisting their heads off at some point. Lori and Bolo offer their lady 2201, but that's not right either. And they, too, decide to make the damn desk before we all get old and gray. Or older and grayer, in some cases. Both these teams set themselves to the task of building the desk. Incidentally, from peeking at Don and MJ's notes, it looks like there were on the order of 1500 or 1600 stuffed animals, and somewhere around 130 packs each of the pans and the pots. That comes up a little short, but that looks like it would be about right to me. Someone, somewhere, will probably figure it out precisely, but fortunately, I am not that person. Yet.
Elsewhere, Kris and Jon are on the bike, "just cruising in Stockholm." Hayden and Aaron are still behind, and she's still haranguing, but they're pedaling pretty well now. In fact, they come up beside Kris and Jon. Pedal, pedal, pedal. And then they pass Kris and Jon, and they immediately get a caption that says, "Currently in 1st Place," which I thought was pretty cute. I love the semi-snarky captioning. The teams remain very close, though, as they reach the field of hay bales and the clue box. Oh, but first? The Yield. Phil explains it, blah blah blah, you can make somebody stop and wait until the days of our lives pass, or what have you. There are only three Yields on the race this time, and you can only use it once and so forth. "They have to decide when it's most advantageous to use it." Feh. Hayden and Aaron and Kris and Jon both choose not to Yield anyone, and then they read the Roadblock clue, which says, "Who's got hay fever?" As Phil explains, the lucky winner of this Roadblock will have to unwrap and unroll hay bales until they find a clue that's rolled up in one. There are 270 hay bales and only 20 clues. You just have to keep unrolling bales until you find a clue.
Aaron and Jon both take the Roadblock. "Are we moving hay bales like strong man competeeshun?" Aaron asks in his Governor-of-Californian accent. Funny! Kris and Hayden root for their respective boys. When Jon finishes unrolling the bale and finds nothing, Kris asks him, "Do you have to roll another one, babe?" Already panting, he says, "Looks like it." Those thing weigh a lot, I think. Lena and Kristy said on TV that they weighed 200 pounds, so...yeesh. That will make you tired. For some reason, my unit of weight for large objects I have to move is 25-pound bags of dog food, and the idea of trying to roll eight of those rolled up is no fun, especially if it was poking me with hay bits the entire time.
The second train stops at Haggvik and Lena and Kristy, Spazpants, and Gus and Hera disembark.
Aaron unrolls another bale, and Hayden makes like he's not fast enough for her. "Honey, come on," she says impatiently. I think she uses "baby" when she's happy or sorry and "honey" when she's impatient. As Jon takes a bale apart, Kris laughs and says, "Nice work, baby, nice work." She is so cute. I think she and I should be cousins. I'll be the mean one, and she'll be the nice one, and no one will believe that we're related, but she'll know I secretly cry at Hallmark commercials and I'll know she secretly calls our aunt "Bossypants." That would be awesome. Anyway. Jon reaches down into the hay and produces...a clue! Go, My Favorite Team, Go! She runs out to hug him. "That sucked," he says. "It did," she agrees sympathetically. They laugh and read the clue, which says to go to the pit stop. Phil explains that said pit stop will be found by riding their bikes back to the station and then taking the train to Stockholm. There, they'll find a ship called the Af Chapman, and the pit stop will be at the boat. Phil does not say the last team to check in will be eliminated, or may be eliminated, or won't be eliminated, or anything at all. They're just screwing with us now, and good for them. I, for one, deserve it.
A happy (duh) Kris and Jon take off for the pit stop. Aaron then finds a clue also. "Hallelujah!" he yells.
At the Ikea of Misery, Lori and Bolo and MJ and Don frantically build their desks. Hornio gets off the train at Haggvik, and Rebecca remarks that it's starting to rain. They ride the tandem bike. Happily, he does not threaten to steer it onto any train tracks. Nuance gets off the train. They pedal as well.
Lena and Kristy get to the Yield and don't yield anyone. Lena takes the Roadblock. As she starts in on her second bale, Kristy calls out, "You may have to go through several!" Oh...ow. Spazpants comes along, and Victoria takes the Roadblock. After, that is, pointing out, "We're not being Yielded, and no one's Yielding us." And also, no Yield is being applied to them, and they are proceeding without being subject to Yield. Gus takes the Roadblock for his team, no Yielding, blah blah blah. Interestingly, Victoria quickly gets herself badly out of breath. Jonathan berates her. She complains that she can't breathe.
Lena tears into another bale. "I have hay fever," she says. "And my hands are cut, from the hay and this stuff that they seal it with." Gus rolls a bale past Victoria, who's going the other direction, still wearing her bike helmet. In case, you know, she falls on some hay. "This is a rough one," Hera chuckles sympathetically.
At Haggvik, My Favorite Team and Hayden and Aaron are catching the train. "That...sucked," says Kris of the Roadblock. Indeed.
At Ikea, Lori and Bolo finish up their desk. They have it inspected, and it is pronounced "Good." The Swedes are so effusive. They get their clue, as Don and MJ struggle with the last parts of their assembly. Lori and Bolo leave in eighth place after, I believe, Bolo mentions that they've been at the Detour for five hours. "How can we be the last people?" MJ laments. "I can't believe it." Uh, I can.
Commercials. Shut up, Sprint Guy. It's Christmas. Stop whining.
We zoom back to Ikea, where Don and MJ are still building. "We can do it, Don," she says. They've got a little bit to do yet, actually. Yipes.
Lena searches another hay bale. Kristy puts her hands on her head in frustration. Gus kicks over a hay bale. "There's no point in getting frustrated at this point," Hera says, "because there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to hope that he finds it soon." Exactly. There's no point in screaming at the person, not that I expect some of these people to get the message. Victoria continues looking for a clue, and Jonathan pretends to care whether she hurts herself. Owing to the Luck of the Evil, she gets a clue and they leave.
Meanwhile, the train carrying the lead teams stops in Stockholm, and they get out, staying together while they look for the boat. And they don't show it, but do you know how they picked who would land on the mat first? Rock-paper-scissors. No, they did! It was on the Insider videos. It's really so much decency you can barely stand it. Initially, I thought My Favorite Team gave it up because they got the trip last time, but I guess they're not quite that nice. Nice shot of the hand sculpture sticking up out of the water, by the way. That was a big guy they drowned to make that. Anyway, Hayden and Aaron land on the mat first. They get to be team number one, and they win a cruise to Mexico. And the older captain type who greets them? Adorable. When he's done giving them the trip, Phil is like, "What's with these people patiently standing off the mat?" Heh. Kris and Jon step up and are team number two. They look ecstatic as they exchange a little kiss. Yay!
Kristy and Hera are watching their teammates in the hay bales. But then...there's Gus, and he's getting a clue. "Good job, Daddy," Hera says. They take off on the bike, as Kristy continues to pace.
Hornio comes up to the Roadblock, no Yield, blah. El Hornio takes the Roadblock. Here comes Nuance, pedaling up behind. No Yield for them, either. Freddy takes the Roadblock. Kristy cheers Lena on as the rain falls, which cannot make this task any more pleasant.
And back at Ikea, Don and MJ finish the desk at last. They laugh. "I love you," she says, and smooches him on the cheek. They hug, and she giggles. "I love you, too," he says. Aww. They rip the clue, and he says, "I hope this says, 'Go to the hospital.'" Heeeee hee, that was awesome. They take their clue and get in a cab, not ready to quit yet. When they get to the subway station, surprisingly, they overtake Lori and Bolo, so apparently, it took the rasslers a little time to find themselves a cab, or a little time to get there.
The rain pours down as Lena, El Hornio, and Freddy work in the field. Lena says that her hands are cut to shreds, and Kristy encourages her as well as she can, telling her to keep with it. Lena shoves another bale. El Hornio finds a clue and runs happily toward Rebecca. They pedal away.
In Stockholm, Spazpants and Gus and Hera get off the train. Spazpants takes off on foot, apparently, while Gus and Hera grab a bus. Spazpants continues to search the island where the boat is supposed to be, unable to find it. Gus and Hera, however, find that their bus pulls up right by the flag. They hop out and head straight to Phil. Welcome, Gus and Hera, you are team number three -- nice! Finally, having wandered around like goofballs for however long, Spazpants finally makes it to the mat. They're team number four. I'm trying to ignore them.
Back at the field, Kristy is still filling Lena's head with lots of good thoughts. Kendra is also shouting encouragement to Freddy. And Freddy manages to find himself a clue. It is right around here that I begin to worry about Lena and Kristy. Dudes. Find that clue, okay? Because all that's behind you is Lori and Bolo and Don and MJ, and you really don't want to still be here when they get here. "It's easy to spot, Lena," Freddy calls as he leaves the field, I think genuinely trying to be helpful so she won't go through every strand of hay if she doesn't need to. Kristy tells us, after Nuance is gone, that she doesn't think she'd have been able to keep doing this as long as Lena already has. "It's just been a perfectly horrible day," she says. Aww.
At the mat, here comes Hornio. Team number five.
Aaaand off the train in Haggvik, here come Lori and Bolo and Don and MJ, getting onto their bikes. As they race, MJ laments, "If there's two people we should be racing against, it's two people with the most muscular legs in the world." Heh. Indeed, Lori and Bolo beat Don and MJ to the clue box and the Yield. And, surprisingly, they choose not to Yield Don and MJ, which I sort of don't understand, because...when you know you're second-to-last, that's probably as good a time as any. But anyway, when Don and MJ arrive, they're free to jump right into the Roadblock. Kristy tells Lena the unhappy news that these two teams have arrived. Bolo and Don tear into the field. Bolo, Don, and Lena keep clue-hunting. Don gets to coughing like he's not feeling well at all. Lena takes a minute to run over and chug from Kristy's water bottle. And as she does, Bolo finds a clue. I just cannot imagine how frustrating that must have been, seeing people come and go for hours on end. Bolo and Lori leave, so now, it's just Lena and Don, hunting through bales of hay.
Nuance lands on the mat as team number six.
Lena finishes her chug of water, gets a final hug, and goes back out to the hellish hay bales. Not aware, I don't think, of how long Lena has been out there, Don says, "Did you ever have a day that just, it's not your day?" Really, he has no way of knowing how incredibly lucky he is to have anyone to compete against at this point. Lena throws all of her body weight against the hay bale to make it roll. Aw. I really felt for her at this point -- she is used up. Or...you would think she was. And then...Don reaches into his bale of hay and pulls out a clue. "I can't believe this," Lena says miserably. Don and MJ ride off on the bike. "We have to pedal like we've never pedaled," he says.
We go to the mat, where Bolo and Lori arrive as team number seven. And then...Don and MJ, as team number eight. And they kiss, and you can hear Lori and Bolo cheering for them off-camera, which is cool. And it is flat-out impressive that Don and MJ kept trucking after that totally miserable experience with the Detour, and they certainly came back from what looked like certain defeat.
But of course, I am sad. And why am I sad? Because now we have to return to the field, where Lena, all alone in the field, is saying she doesn't know what to do. I think her problem is that she's too tired to push the bales anymore, which is probably why Kristy tells her that there might be piles knocked over that haven't been gone through yet. Lena protests that she's in some pain, and doesn't want to stay another seven hours. So I'm thinking seven hours is how long she's been doing this. That is a long fucking day, people. That is like getting to work at 9:00 and not quitting until 4:00, and she's not even done. And she's been pushing those fucking hay bales the entire time? My goodness. Kristy raises the possibility that it's a non-elimination, so she feels like they should keep going. Lena turns back to the field -- where many, many untouched bales of hay indeed remain. She manages to unroll another bale.
But then, it is dark. And she is still rolling. And she is still searching through piles. It comes to a merciful end when Phil comes strolling across the field to them. He tells them that Don and MJ checked in more than two hours ago. And that's after the bike and the train back to Stockholm. So I'm thinking they've probably kept at this three hours after the last team left. That is hard-core, y'all. Phil says they estimate she's pushed about 100 bales of hay in the now eight-hour ordeal. Phil tells them that sadly, it is an elimination leg, so they're out. Kristy praises Lena for what a great friend and partner she is, and Phil asks Lena how she kept going for so long. "Probably just not disappointing Kristy," Lena says, and it might sound kind of unfortunate, except that I have a sister, and I totally get that. I would feel the same way. Not because your sister would be disappointed in you, but because she'd be disappointed in the situation. "I knew this was a big deal for her, and I didn't want to be the one to ruin it." See? Just like I said. Kristy gives her a hug. "You didn't," she says.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Will Lori go to jail? Will Hornio keep fighting? And...why is Don crying? Pull it together, man.