Previously on The Agency: Dubya bumped the show with an informative and flag-waving speech regarding anthrax. And, really, did it matter? I mean, did we, any of us, chuck our remote controls at the screen and shriek, "DUBYA! YOU KILLED THE AGENCY! YOU BASTARD!" Seriously, I think our main concern was that they still showed the Friends episode where the group finally finds out just how Ross and Rachel created the peanut currently contained within Rachel's womb. And wasn't that bloody hilarious when Ross and Rachel watched the tape of themselves gettin' it on? I have to say, Friends has been pretty damn funny this season. I'd lost hope there for a bit (primarily due to the increasingly strident and difficult-to-take Monica), but the show has actually elicited quite a few genuine chuckles from me.
Man. Oh, man. You see? DO YOU SEE? I'M TALKING ABOUT FRIENDS. I'm supposed to be recapping an episode of The Agency. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm really sorry. Oh, screw it. You know what? I'm not sorry. I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE. This episode annoyed me so much that I'd rather discuss the mating techniques of the tsetse fly than talk about this goddamn show. I mean, I like it and all but COME ON.
I tried. I tried to care. Really. I tried so hard in the first two recaps to be all detailed and hyper-aware of dialogue, but now I'm just thinking to myself, "Why? Why bother? The writers aren't being detailed and their sense of dialogue rivals that of Emeril so, you know, WHY THE HELL SHOULD I WASTE MY TIME?"
So that's it. I'm just not gonna anymore. I'm not gonna write down every single conversation and every single plot point. It's not that I'm lazy or unprofessional or bitchy or anything; it's just...DUDES. I couldn't make heads or tails out of this episode. Seriously. I didn't know what in the hell was going on or who in the hell was involved or what in the hell the characters were saying to each other. I DIDN'T KNOW. And, after watching it again, I STILL DON'T. And I don't care. Did I mention that I don't care?
Let's make this short and sweet, people.
Somewhere in Indonesia. Where, you ask? I DON'T CARE. It looks like a bunch of workers or villagers are shuffling along a dirt road as a dusty yellow truck makes its way around and through them. Inside the truck are three business-type guys, one of whom appears to be a virgin of sorts. He sits there looking all twitchy and nervous while two seasoned veterans sit on either side of him, offering handy Indonesian travel tips that involve abstaining from the local peppers and avoiding a particular pimp's whores. Thanks, guys! They sure as hell don't list this shit in the company rule books!
The truck screeches to a halt behind some big bulldozer. There are a bunch of guys running around with red bandannas wrapped around their foreheads, waving sticks. The driver of the truck (whose cornpone accent sounds so much like Foghorn Leghorn that I keep rewinding and pausing the tape, certain that at any moment, the little chicken hawk will come tripping across the screen) says something smart-ass-y out the window about it not being a good time for a cigarette break. The red bandanna guys wisely ignore Foghorn and keep waving their sticks. The Virgin in the Middle wants to know what's going on. Foghorn's partner, Dingo (I have no idea what his name is so I made one up. Don't like it? I don't care), says something about the Red Bandanna Gang being local kayaks that are pissed off at the mining company because they employ a lot of manatees. Yeah, that's what he said. I don't understand it either. And you know what? I'm not going to rewind the tape eight more times to decipher the mumbling moron's dialogue. I need more chocolate milk...
Dingo gets out of the car to announce his presence with authority while Foghorn just continues to bleat the horn. After one of the Red Bandanna Gang looks Dingo directly in the eye, Dingo suddenly realizes that this is not the overly zealous Tupperware party that he originally thought it was, and tosses his ass into the car. Too late. The Red Bandanna Gang is upon them. They're beating the car, they're hitting it with sticks, Foghorn can't move the truck, and the Gang breaks his window and rips Foghorn out of the car and beats him to a bloody pulp on the hood. The Virgin in the Middle jumps behind the wheel, but before he can hightail it out of there, one of the more violent members of the Red Bandanna Gang pulls out his handy machete and neatly removes Foghorn's head from his body.
Yeah, I don't know what the hell was happening there either.
Spy Central. Brief-o-Rama Room. Rocky's doing the briefing. He says something about the Kayaks and the Manatees fighting for many years. He shows a picture of Foghorn and tells the group that he was the first American victim of the violence. Jeanie's sitting to Matt, and her hair looks really bad; it's sort of poofed out and scraggly. She needs some Aveda Styling Cream, STAT!
Rocky says that Foghorn was an engineer for some mining company. His co-workers managed to get rescued from the angry Kayak mob, but Foghorn lost his head. Ha! You see how I did that there? "Lost his head"? HA. Gack. Ew. I just snorted chocolate milk out of my nostrils.
Blah blah blah Manatees, bling bling bling Kayaks, yak yak yak Jakarta government, bleah bleah bleah Big Bad Jakartan Governor staging a coup. I seriously don't know what the hell they're talking about here. It's all going by so fast...don't have energy to transcribe...must eat Matt's Chocolate Chip Cookies to regain strength...
Cheese wants to know if the CIA has an operative already in place in the Land of the Manatees. "Not yet," Jeanie says, all full of herself. She hands Cheese a picture of the woman who provided the voice for Disney's Pocahontas, and a file. Just in case Cheese has forgotten how to read, Jeanie recites Pocahontas's background. She's an Indonesian-born trainee who is at the top of her class, has a political science degree from UCLA, speaks ninety-five languages, and performs brain surgery in her off hours.
Down on the Farm. No, not the kind with cows; the kind with CIA agents and firing ranges. As Jeanie gives her dissertation on Poca (let's just shorten that name, shall we?), we're transported to the Farm, where Poca is running along while trying to avoid the edgy camera work and odd angled shots. Poca does some mild stretches, looks around her warily, and generally behaves as if she is indeed on a "mission." She pulls some sort of something out of a tree and passes two people standing near her. "Nice wigs," she says, all cocky and snippy. Her superior chews her ass out for blowing her own cover. We get it. She's a loose cannon. A live wire. SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL.
Back in the Brief. Cheese wants to know when they can run Poca in the field. Jeanie tells him that she graduates in a month, and they can send her in then. She goes on to say that Poca needs a mentor to prep her. All eyes turn to Billy. And not just because he's wearing a supremely ugly tie.
Back on the Farm. Poca walks up to Billy and is all, mentor me, you loser. Billy's all, I'm still takin' notes. Poca's all, don't see a notebook. Billy's all, that's why they call us "covert operatives." Har har and HAR, Billy! I get it! You're the "funny" agent. Jeanie's the "soulful" agent, but you're definitely the "funny" agent.
Poca wants to know why she just can't go into the field right now. Billy says, "Duh! Because you haven't graduated yet, dumb-ass!" Or something like that. Poca defends her cred, but Billy reminds her that she just blew her own cover in, you know, A TRAINING MISSION, so she'd best just bring it down a notch or two. "I know the difference between a park and a war zone," she bitches. "Ohhhhh, really?" says Billy. "Been to many war zones lately? And, no, your bedroom doesn't count, you little harlot." (Note: I will be randomly inserting my own dialogue throughout this recap. Don't like it? I don't care.)
Hacker Designs, Inc. Miles is instructing Paige to study Poca's face carefully, because Paige is going to be solely responsible for creating eight years of Poca's fictional life. There's a good solid two minutes of nothing special going on as Miles and Paige discuss Indonesian transcripts and entrance stamps and Poca's passport. Then there's a good solid waste of my time as Miles discovers Paige's notes for her divorce hearing. Yammer yammer yammer Paige's divorce. "If you need any doctored photos of [your husband] with farm animals," says Miles, "you let me know." Heh.
Back on the Farm. Poca's getting busy with some padded gloves and a sparring partner while Billy blips and bleeps behind her about how she's an ideal candidate for this mission because she speaks Kayak. She's all high and mighty about what a mess it is down in Jakarta and how no one can fix it. Billy's all tweaky and lame about how the CIA doesn't want to fix it, they just want someone down there who will protect the interests of the United States. "The mines?" she asks snidely. "The people," he responds unconvincingly. Poca's chomping at the bit to get down to that island and start busting a move. Billy tells her to shut her pie hole and practice a little patience.
Patton's Playground. Patton's got some aerial photos up on the big screen, and he's telling Jeanie and Rocky that the Big Bad Jakartan Governor has created military installations within his compound. Jeanie makes a comment that Big Bad is expanding his operations. Rocky wants to know where Big Bad is getting the money. There's another good solid waste of my time here while the merry trio paces back and forth across the screen and tries to figure out how Big Bad is getting the money. I think they eventually conclude that some mining company is paying Big Bad so they can run the current main mining company, RDL, into the ground. Whatever. Patton thinks they need to prove this to the Jakartan government. Rocky thinks that they need to get the trainee as close to Big Bad as possible. Jeanie thinks she should have looked more closely at her ER contract for a return clause.
The Body Farm. Poca's shooting the shit out of one of those paper target thingies. She turns to Billy, hovering behind her, and shouts at him, "WHEN DID YOU COME THROUGH HERE?" Billy gently removes her gunfire-shielding ear protectors and tells her, "Couple years ago." The hell? She wants to be dropped in the middle of a war zone RIGHT NOW and she can't remember not to yell when she's got her ear protection on? Yeah. She's sooooo ready for Indonesia. Bring it on.
Poca's all surprised that Billy's only been at the agency for two years. Billy's all snitty and rattles off his military and government background. There's an attempt at witty banter that fails miserably. Finally, Poca wants to know if anyone in America even cares about this situation. Billy tells her that the family of the guy who was beheaded cares about it. Billy drones on about how it's a strategic part of the world and it has over six thousand islands (actually, it's more like thirteen thousand) and that if Kalimantan (I guess that's the place where all this crap is going down) secedes (from where? from what?), they all might secede, and it'll be Bosnia all over again. Know what? That's right. I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
Spy Central. Jeanie runs into Billy in the hallway and asks what he thinks of Poca. He thinks her ego could be filed down a bit with a human-sized emery board, and that she may not be half as ready as she seems to think she is. Jeanie just says she's exhibiting all the signs and tendencies of a "cocky CIA trainee." She's a stone bitch, Jeanie. There's nothing "cocky" about it.
Billy doesn't acknowledge Jeanie's assessment of Poca, instead moving on to the ever-entertaining subject of his brother's death. Billy's all, Jackson told me to call this guy in Casualty Affairs. Jeanie's all, dude, he died fighting for his country, leave it alone already! Billy's all, but, dude, don't you wanna know how he died? Jeanie's all, dude, FIND A NEW STORYLINE.
RDL Mining Company Barracks, Kalimantan. Sorry, there just wasn't any funny way to spin that location. Some guy's on the phone, talking about flights out of Kalimantan. There are no flights in your future, pawn-boy. Enter the Red Bandanna Gang with guns a-wavin'. They're here to take the RDL kids on a little field trip. TO HELL.
Bend Me, Break Me, Brief Me Room. Jeanie declares that the probs in Indonesia just got a wee bit tougher. The kidnappers are demanding that RDL pull out of Kalimantan before the end of the month or they'll kill the hostages. Miles enters with Paige in tow. Paige works her finger magic and blah blahs about what she's doing while she's doing it, which really means nothing, and finally comes up with an enhanced image of one of the kidnappers. Turns out he's Big Bad's aide de camp. Just in case this isn't clear enough for those of us in the audience with an IQ above three, Miles says, "The kidnappers aren't [Kayak]. They're [Big Bad's] own soldiers."
Rocky asks Cheese if this is enough to put Big Bad away. Cheese doesn't think so. Big Bad will just deny any involvement and claim that his aide went berserk and acted alone. Then he'll kill anyone with any knowledge of his little mining plan, including the hostages. Cheese tells Jeanie that they have to move Poca into operation, like, NOW. Billy whines, "But sir! She's not even ready yet! I mean, she's like a baby pea right now. She needs nurturing and care and feeding --" "She is too ready, you moaner!" Jeanie pipes in. "She totally rocks my world! Stop your mincing and go buy a handbag or something. Oh, and your brother? Sucked in bed." "Cheese! Jeanie called me a 'moaner'! And Poca doesn't even have a cover yet!" says Billy, wiping the snot from beneath his nose. "Um, dude?" pipes in Miles, lighting a one-hitter. "What in the hell do you think we do all day? Hello? WE MAKE COVERS. I think we can handle this. And, dude? Your barn door's open. HA! Made ya look! Loser."
Cheese tells the kids to play nice or he's turning this car around. Then he commands Jeanie to tell Poca to pack her bags and get Poca's ass down to Indonesia pronto. Jeanie quickly leaves the room, smacking Billy on the back of the head with her strawberry margarita Chupa-Chups pop on the way out.
Halls Of Hidden Hullabaloo. Billy's still trying to get Jeanie to pick a different method of getting rid of Big Bad. Jeanie shoves a Cheeto in his ear and tells him to knock it off with the whole "Poca's not ready" crap already. Billy straps on his "MAN" gear and grabs Jeanie's arm, saying, "If she gets burned, she won't have diplomatic immunity to protect her." Jeanie looks down at Billy's hand on her arm as if it were a giant Amazonian leech and all she wants for Christmas is a flamethrower so she can get rid of it. Billy finally says, "She isn't you." And there's this sort of faux sexual tension moment, only without the sexual tension. So it's just, you know, faux. "We've got our orders," Jeanie snaps. "Get her ready." She stalks off and makes a mental note to get new batteries for her vibrator on the way home because MAN! is she tense.
Poca Prep Room. Billy's grilling Poca on her background. She just rolls her eyes, looks incredibly bored, and corrects Billy on a handful of occasions. Somewhere else in the building, Patton's telling Jeanie that Big Bad's secretary has an ailing mother and is probably days away from taking a leave of absence. Or something like that. I really don't know. Don't care.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Miles is running down the list of all the crap that his staff is going to have to get together for Poca's trip to the islands. Once again, somewhere else in the building, Billy's rambling on about some small recorder device that Poca's supposed to plant somewhere near Big Bad's phone. Somewhere ELSE in the building, Jeanie's on the phone with someone in Jakarta about this secretary's mother's doctor. Back to Billy, sniping at Poca about her mission, demanding that she rattle off what her purpose is and what she's supposed to be looking for and blah blah blah blah BLAH. I swear, this episode is starting to sound like one of the off-screen adult figures in the Charlie Brown cartoons. "Wuh wah wuh wah. Wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh. Wah wah."
We catch a quick glimpse of the kidnappers and their hostages, traipsing through the woods. Blink and you'll miss it. Then we return to the CIA, where Rocky, Cheese, and Patton are walking down the hall, talking about the White House and the hostage situation. Wuh wah wuh. They enter the elevator together, and Cheese introduces the brief subplot that's supposed to make us feel bad for Patton and his being undervalued at the CIA. What do they discuss? Does it matter? I mean, Cheese basically dangles the "field operative" carrot in front of Patton, and then proceeds to tell him that he's pretty much going to do the same damn job he's been doing all along, but on occasion, Cheese will actually allow him TO LEAVE THE BUILDING on a mission. Patton tells Cheese to grab a jalapeño popper and place it directly up his ass.
Poca Prep Room. Paige has been added to the mix. She's going over Poca's living arrangements. Poca sniffs at the address that Paige gives her and requests that they use one that she's selected herself, because she knows that area better and the landlady's a friend of hers. She tells Billy that she told the landlady to back her story. Billy gets the landlady on the phone and, while Poca sits across from Billy looking all smug and shit, Billy tells the landlady that he's a friend of Poca's and that Poca asked him to ask the landlady to change Poca's story. The landlady agrees, and Billy hangs up. "Your friend just acknowledged to a complete stranger that your cover story is a lie," says Billy. "You're dead." Heh. Nice one, Captain Courageous.
Once again, we catch a quick glimpse of the kidnappers and their charges. Only, this time, Dingo's moving too sluggishly for the kidnappers, so the head guy shoots him. And that takes care of Dingo. Two seconds later, while Cheese and Rocky are enjoying a fine selection of prime Taco Bell fare, Cheese's cell phone rings. He answers it, says nothing, hangs up, and tells Rocky that he needs to see Billy.
Meanwhile, Jeanie and Poca are walking down one of the many halls of secrecy. Paige walks up and hands Jeanie an envelope containing "pocket litter" for Poca. Why doesn't she just hand it to Poca? Because Poca has inexplicably drifted off from Jeanie's side. No, I don't know why. Although I suppose it's to facilitate this scene...
Billy walks up as Paige leaves and asks if she's got his ID ready. She runs off to get it as Jeanie asks Billy where the hell he's going. Where do you THINK he's going, Jeanie? McDonald's? He's going to flipping Indonesia. Duh. Jeanie wants to know if Cheese approved this little sojourn. Guess what, Jeanie? Cheese insisted on it. Because sometimes, when a hostage gets shot, you really shouldn't trust the future of American interests to a girl whose attitude is bigger than Antarctica. Jeanie's all worried that Billy doesn't blend in and therefore will potentially be a target. Billy says he'll be just fine and does she want one of those little hula dolls for her dashboard? Jeanie tells him that that's just what his brother said, and I think hula dolls aren't really, you know, Indonesian in origin, but thanks for the thought. Billy just walks off, promising to pick up a Kalimantan shot glass for the Jeanster at the airport.
Samarinda, Kalimantan, Indonesia. Again, no real way to kind of make that funny. Billy's in a cab, touring around the crowded city streets. He gets out at a building and walks up the stairs to an apartment. The Percussion Instruments Of You Will Find This Suspenseful If It Kills Us are working overtime as Billy enters the apartment through an already opened door. An attractive guy is sitting there in a wife-beater, just smiling at him. Shaking Billy's hand, he introduces himself as Sam from Tech. Alarmed at the lack of protocol and security, Billy says, "Guess you guys don't take passwords too seriously around these parts." "'These parts'?" Sam says. "What are you, John Wayne? Dude. Drop the bravado, all right? You're no Duke, that's for sure. Now shut up, check out your dossier, and whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO ME. EVER."
Big Bad's Bay Of Bad-Assedness. Big Bad gets out of his limo. Dude. What is he wearing? Looks like a shirt you'd see at a bad Athenian disco. Where's the gold chain and the pinky ring, Baddy? Go to town, my friend. The ladies just loooooove men who wear jewelry. Worked for Elvis.
Super Spy Happy Hideout. Billy asks Sam where their equipment is. Sam tells him it just got delivered and points to a crate with a bunch of stuff in it, mostly food and soda. "In here?" Billy asks. Sam waltzes over and pulls the bottom of the soda bottle off, revealing some kind of device. "You cook," he says, "I'll set the table." People. Sam is hot. I'm sure none of you watched the show, but he has that sort of Jet Li-ian quality that just tweaks my horny-strings. Sigh. Anyway, Billy opens up a loaf of bread, revealing a camera lens. Then he cuts open a watermelon, revealing another device. Um. The bread thing? I can kiiiiind of go with it, but the watermelon? What'd they do, grow the watermelon AROUND the device? Jesus. Whatever. There's so much jerky camera crap going on that I really can't be bothered to pay attention to such details as spy-device-sprouting watermelons.
Across the street, Poca shows up for her interview with Big Bad. Billy and Sam watch her with their equipment and bling bling blooey about Poca and her being prepared. Don't care. Poca enters the inner sanctum of the Big Bad, and we don't hear any of their conversation; I'm assuming this is because they'd have to have writers who actually knew Kayak and actors who actually speak Kayak and somewhere in there, the producers were all, TOO EXPENSIVE. Cut it. CUT IT. You couldn't have the story take place in, say, Mexico City or anything, could you? Nooooo. Just HAD to be Indonesia. Right. You're fired. And you? Get me a Pellegrino. NOW.
Spy Central. Paige is sipping coffee and reading the paper. Miles walks up and says something something something RDL this, Big Bad that, dictator here, hostages there, national security whatsit, and WAH WAH WAH. Seriously. No interest.
Super Spy Happy Hideout. Billy's taking pictures at night of the happenings and goings on around Big Bad's compound. The day, I guess, Poca manages to stick her recording device into the base of a statue. Billy takes pictures of Big Bad arriving in his limo. Yawn. Poca takes pictures of Big Bad's files with a sweet little spy camera. She's interrupted by Big Bad's limo driver. They have a conversation that isn't translated. Snore.
Spy Central. Jeanie enters, and someone tells her she's got a phone call from Indonesia. It's Billy, telling Jeanie that he got there okay and everything's going fine. Bluther blither blather hostages, posh pish pash Poca's doing a great job, muddle middle maddle Billy's a fantastic mentor. WhatEVER.
Later that night at the Happy Hideout, there's a knock on the door. Billy pulls out his water pistol and makes like a secret agent. It's Poca, the raving idiot ops tool. Billy lets her in, and also lets her know that she's a fucking moron. Poca's made contact with the limo driver and thinks that he likely knows where the hostages are; she'd like to pay him off for the info. Billy tells her to stuff it. She says the driver needs money for his gambling debts. Billy tells her to quit with the whole renegade driver-bribing idea and stick to the plan. Poca spins off in a huff.
Spy Central. Jeanie's on the phone again with Billy. She's telling him that Big Bad's been getting payments from some Japanese mining company. Gee, wonder if they're the ones who are subsidizing him? Don't care. Too busy looking at Sam's arms in that sleeveless tee. Sam's watching Poca and suddenly tells Billy to see what he's seeing. Billy drops the phone and runs to the camera. Poca totally ignored Billy's directive to not buy off the driver, and is, in fact, buying off the driver. After dropping a hat full of money into the limo, she walks away, thinking she's in the clear. Wrong. The soldiers are onto her, and they grab her sorry driver-bribing ass and haul her inside.
"You are NOT going in after her," Jeanie says to Billy, seconds later. Billy claims he doesn't have a choice. Yes, he does. Leave the bitch there. She doesn't follow instructions and refuses to play well with others. Let her rot. As Jeanie's instructing Billy to leave Poca the hell alone, Sam hears Big Bad's men discovering the bug that Poca placed in the statue. Oops. Billy hangs up on Jeanie. Jeanie hits redial and gets the machine. "Billy? Billy? Pick up the fucking phone, you piece of shit! Nobody hangs up on Jeanie Boulet! NOBODY! I'm gonna grab my passport, get on a plane, get on another plane, get on a boat, ride in a taxi, walk up those stairs, and open up a whole new can of Indonesian Whup-Ass! You hear me? And don't think I won't do it. Click."
Big Bad's Special Territory Of Torture. A solider yanks Poca into a room where Big Bad himself is waiting. He's all, girl, you totally paid off my driver. Your ass is GRASS. Then one of the soldiers kicks over a chair and a guy falls down with it, dead. Poca's all horrified. "You've met my driver," says Big Bad. D'oh! Guess Poca's . Time for torture.
Back at the Happy Hideout, it's about nine-thirty in the evening and Billy's planning his Poca Pick-up. Sam's watching the compound, and he sees Big Bad leave. "We may be too late," says Sam. Billy jumps into action. Yawn. At the same time, Jeanie and Patton are gibberdy gabberding to people at command central about so much crap. Je ne m'inquiète pas. Translation: I don't care.
At Big Bad's compound, the guards open the gates to allow a garbage truck in. Sam walks along the sidewalk and jumps up to some box on the wall and quickly sticks something to it, then walks off. Inside the compound, Billy peers out from beneath the garbage truck. The little thing that Sam stuck to the box explodes, setting off alarms all over the compound.
And here's where Gil Bellows gets to fulfill his boyhood fantasy of being Super Secret Spy Guy. He runs around, barely missing a guard here, almost running into a soldier there; he's all sweaty and calm under pressure. I guess. Whatever. Okay, and there's this scene where there's a close-up on Gil Bellows's face and he PULLS THE GUN UP BESIDE HIS FACE AND COCKS THE GUN. I mean, like he's seen every James Bond film EVER or something. Seriously. It's wack. He looks retarded. He looks like he's trying to tell everyone out there, in case they weren't aware, that HE'S A SUPER SECRET SPY GUY. Gah.
More hallway running and near misses. Then Billy just walks by a room, the door opens, he shoots the two guards, enters, and finds Poca in the back room, strung up like Jesus Christ Himself. She looks alarmingly like Rocky Balboa after an extended fight with Drago. And guess what happens ? Does Billy pull on one of the dead guards' uniforms? Does he shove Poca into a rather large garbage bag? Does he run along the hallways and out the door as if he's taking the garbage out? No. No. And no. He slings her over his shoulder and WALKS THROUGH THE HALLWAYS. I mean, yeah, he's got a gun, but -- dude! DUDE! You're one guy. They're...well, more than one guy. And, sure enough, after Billy drops a couple of these baddies, he gets cornered by one of 'em and stares down the barrel of his Uzi. There are shots and, well, my new boyfriend Sam saves the day. He tells Billy to get the hell outta there. Billy wisely follows his instructions.
Billy drops Poca's body into the garbage truck and climbs in after her. Probably minutes later, Jeanie gets a call from Billy notifying her that they're out. Jeanie starts giving him exit information, but Billy interrupts with the hostage info. She passes off the info to Rocky and Patton and they run with it.
So, what could be days later, the hostages are once again being tugged through the woods by the kidnappers. Um. All they seem to do is walk, you know? So far, they haven't stopped. So, like, all I'm saying is, how in the hell can you pinpoint their location? Billy gave Jeanie really specific coordinates and...oh. Wait. Sorry. I forgot. No me preocupo. Translation: I don't care.
Anyway, as Virgin in the Middle stumbles along, the kidnapper behind him drops like a stone when a bullet hits him. One by one, the kidnappers are all nailed. The hostages look around with their mouths agape. A voice shouts, "U.S. SPECIAL FORCES! CLEAR!" And slowly, a group of camouflaged men rises from the forest floor. That was actually pretty cool. Not cool enough to make me care, but semi-cool nonetheless.
Back to reality, where Jeanie's hanging out in the cafeteria. Billy walks up. "You're back," she says. No, Jeanie, he's still in Indonesia. He banged one of those whores that he wasn't supposed to, and now he's laid up in some claptrap of a hospital with a scorching case of herpes. Duh. Billy thanks her for sending the boat for him and Poca. They ying and yang some more about Poca and how Billy was right about her not being ready and how Poca still got the hostages and yada yada yada lobster bisque. Then Jeanie apologizes for being hard on Billy the other day. You know, when she was all bringing up his brother and shit. "I've had that conversation before, where I asked someone not to go into an impossible place," says Jeanie. "And, uh, Eric went anyway," surmises Billy. Jeanie, with tears in her eyes, says, "I don't ever want to have that conversation again." Billy just looks down at the table.
"So," she says, shaking off the angst. "What'd you get me in Indonesia?" "Oh," says Billy, "I thought you said you didn't want anything." "Are you insane?" she screeches. "Oh, man! You are JUST like your brother! You know he went to fucking SWITZERLAND and he didn't even bring me back a single fucking WATCH?! No! Ooooohhhh no! He brought me a fucking key chain MADE OUT OF SWISS CHOCOLATE! IT MELTED ALL OVER HIS SUITCASE. You guys suck!" Billy, now actually afraid for his life, sheepishly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a shot glass emblazoned with the phrase, "Kalimantans Do It In Red Bandannas." Jeanie promptly inserts the shot glass into Billy's left nostril and walks off, vowing never again to date a man who buys her gifts in airport gift stores.
week: Who let the dogs out? And who told them it was okay to dig up that bomb that my Russian friend told me to bury out there?