For Whom The Bomb Tolls

TWELVE STEPS TO A SUCCESSFUL RECAP

1. Watch the show.
2. Tape the show.
3. Tape the show on another VCR at the same time because you're a goddamn moron and you will inevitably screw up at least one of the tapes and not having at least one operational tape is not very conducive to a productive recap.
4. Watch the show. Again. And again. AND AGAIN.
5. Wonder why you couldn't, JUST ONCE, get assigned to a show like Alias or The Amazing Race or Real World or C.S.I. or Sex and the City or at least some program that has more than three people watching it.
6. Email Sars and ask if any more people have signed up for your mailing list.
7. Weep silently into your keyboard when informed that your mailing list has remained steady at a whopping eight people, SEVEN OF WHOM ARE YOUR UNEMPLOYED CO-WORKERS.
8. Purchase eighteen gallons of your chosen alcohol.
9. Drink three gallons of it while obsessively pressing rewind and pause on your remote control.
10. Edit your slurring and rambling recap while entertaining fantasies of becoming a world-renowned pastry chef or an intrepid National Geographic journalist or a professional animal trainer...
11. Send completed recap to Sars approximately twenty minutes before the airing of the episode.
12. Wake up, eight hours later, with the left side of your face drowning in alcohol-soaked drool and the terrible, nagging feeling that you sent Sars an entry from your personal pathetic diary instead of your recap and realize that you actually could care less.

This is it, kids. The last one. The last Agency recap. Unfortunately, since no one is actually reading this, no one will actually KNOW that it's the last Agency recap. Luckily, I could give a shit if anyone is actually reading this. I mean, Sars is reading it, you know, because she has to. But, Sars? If you didn't have to read this thing, would you? ["Oh, sure I would! Okay, no I wouldn't." -- Sars] No, you surely wouldn't. Know why? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE SHOW. No one is watching the show. At least, no one who frequents Mighty Big TV. So, if no one is watching it, then why in the HELL should I recap it? I mean, Christ! I've got video games to play, unemployment checks to deposit, vodka to drink, ex-boyfriends to torture...I don't have time for this shit!

That being said, let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Here, for your non-reading enjoyment, is the final Agency recap.

It's night. There's a woman in a kitchen. There's a man in a backyard. She's calling for him; he's digging a hole. She's all, what the hell are you doing out there? He's all, go back inside OR ELSE. The Woman is all, honey, what's wrong? The Woman is rewarded by a bullet from the bushes. The Digger is all, why the hell'd you do that? The Digger is also rewarded by a bullet from the dark figure that has emerged from the bushes. The lesson here? Ask no questions, get no bullets.

up, the lead FBI guy is briefing Billy on the vital stats of the rewarded individuals. Billy's all confused as to why he, as a member of the CIA, has been included in a situation that is so clearly under FBI jurisdiction. And that's when FBI Guy shows Billy the fallout shelter.

Now, this here fallout shelter doesn't contain gallons of water or cans of peas; no, it contains Soviet codebooks, alternative passports, a series of shiny gold coins, and a Soviet-issued gun. Sounds like a comfy place in which to weather a surprise nuclear attack, doesn't it? Yeah, not so much.

Then Billy's on the phone with Rocky, filling him in on the details. Blah blah blah. And Paige is checking out Digger's passport while the typeset across the screen informs us that this is the "Office of Technical Services." Duh. DUH. By now I think we've all come to terms with the fact that every time we SEE Paige, we're at Hacker Designs, Inc. HELLO? No, it's not the "Office of Technical Services"; it's Paige's bedroom, and she's just checking out fake passports in between orgasms. Whatever.

Anyway, Patton and Miles are there, yammering on about the passport and how it's authentic or not authentic or WHO THE HELL CARES? Paige does some analysis and cross-referencing, and they discover that the Canadian passport Digger had was actually manufactured in Russia. Shocker. The whole techno-wizardry is kind of cool, but since this is my last recap, I am SO not interested in detailing it. Suffice it to say that Patton makes the gasp-inducing assessment that Digger was a spy. Shocker part deux.

Then Patton's in Rocky's office, filling him in on the details. You're going to see the statement "filling [him/her] in on the details" quite a bit in this recap, as I'm in no mood to fill YOU in on the details, as you're not reading this anyway. So, Digger was a spy. What was he spying on? I care.

Then Patton and Rocky are in Cheese's office, filling him in on the details. (See? Do I lie?) Cheese is all, this doesn't prove anything. Patton's all, um, dude? Fake passports, gold, the fact that this Digger guy didn't exist until the age of twenty-five? I think that's pretty fucking compelling evidence, you hardheaded lump of Gouda.

Rocky and Patton try in vain to convince Registrar Roquefort to let them pursue the line that Digger was a Russian spy. Captain Colby, after pretty much negating all the evidence that Patton has to offer, finally relents and agrees to set up a meet with a Russian embassy guy. "Now, if you'll excuse me," says Master Munster, "the President is expecting his daily brief." DING! Wrong answer! If anyone has read the second recap of this show, they'd know damn well that the Director DOES NOT GIVE THE PRESIDENT A DAILY BRIEF. Pay attention, people!

Then Rocky's in the office of some Russian embassy guy. "Dmitry" is his name, according to the letters at the bottom of the screen. Rocky shows Dmitry Digger's passport. Dmitry claims to not know who the hell this guy is. Back and forth, Dmitry denying, Rocky questioning, blather blither, posturing, self-importance, knowing smirks. You get the picture.

Back at the FBI murder scene, Billy's on the phone with Patton, exchanging quips about the FBI guys. Billy has no new info for Patton. Patton asks Billy to take him back down to the shelter. They chit-chat on the phone while Patton looks at photos of the shelter on his computer screen. Patton points out a square on the floor that's lighter than the rest of the floor. Blah blah blah, Patton asking about wires, bling bling bling, notice any monitoring devices in the house, fling flam flooey, Billy joking, yak yick yuck, Patton ordering Billy to get out of the shelter, like, NOW.

Conference Room Of Eternal Debriefings. Patton's reading from some file. Something about an ordinary American town and a normal guy and how the normal guy is actually a secret operative who was sent to America to babysit a suitcase-sized nuclear weapon. Jeanie and Rocky are all, this is your report? Patton flings a well-worn copy of Thong onto the table. Patton swears that the magazine was just moldering away in the CIA files and that he wasn't using it as spank-o-riffic bathroom reading. Jeanie and Rocky aren't buying it. Neither am I, actually. Anyway, Patton goes on and on about how there was a submarine and a bomb and New Jersey and Digger and...where's the vodka?

Office of Mayor McCheese. Rocky, Jeanie, and Patton are filling Pastor Pecorino in on the details. Commander Caciotta finds it hard to believe that it's possible for the CIA to move on a case that's based largely on a twenty-year-old rumor, an underwater echo, and a sex magazine. I find it hard to believe that it takes even that much to make the CIA move on any case; I'm sure a sex magazine is often reason enough.

Agent Asiago declares that the CIA can't afford to be wrong about this. Patton agrees, and informs Father Fontina that the FBI called in a NEST team. In case you're not up on your spy-speak, "NEST" stands for "Nuclear Emergency Search Team." And in case you think I'm some sort of spy-speak idiot savant, I didn't know what the hell "NEST" stood for until it appeared at the bottom of my TV screen.

At the same time as the Patton crew is briefing Taskmaster Telemea, a bunch of yellow-clad dudes start carting equipment into the fallout shelter. Billy's with them. When one of the guys waves something over the square on the floor, the radiation readings are off the charts. Shocker part trois.

Back in Ensign Emmental's office, he's all pissy that no one talked to him about this before they talked to the FBI. Just as Warrior Wensleydale is trying to convince the Patton crew that suitcase bomb rumors have been circulating since 1950 without any concrete proof, Billy calls in with the radiation info. His Honor Herrgardost looks like he just swallowed a Guatemalan fruit bat. Cue commercial.

The Debriefing Room Of All Debriefing Rooms. Jeanie enters and informs Prior Piora that the NEST team is doing a discreet search of various locations. "How many people know about this?" Cottage Cheese inquires. "Us, the FBI, and the readers of Thong," says Rocky. Hee! Now THAT was funny. Especially his delivery. I giggled. More! More silly Rocky quips! MORE!

Viscount Velveeta attempts to pretty much live in denial when it comes to the possibility of a suitcase bomb in this guy's shelter. He mentions something about the guy storing smoke detectors in his shelter, as opposed to a bomb. "Smoke detectors?" Patton snorts. Bandleader Banon basically acts like a kid who hasn't brushed his teeth before bedtime and has to come up with a reason. "Yeah! Um, you know! Like, they have small amounts of radioactive see -- I mean, stuff, I mean, like, maybe it was one of those rayguns or something! It could happen! Like, maybe it was an alien. That's it! It was an alien! Oh...all right...I'll go brush my teeth..." Seriously. The man is fidgeting like he wet his bed and doesn't want anyone to know about it.

Colby Jack starts handing out orders left and right while completely ignoring Patton, who seems to be trying to get to the bottom of why Friar Friesian is almost blatantly announcing to the group that this bomb doesn't exist. At this point, every time Patton speaks, I fully expect Prince Provolone to put his hands over his ears and go, "LA LA LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

And here's the part where Miles makes like Charlie in Charlie's Angels and gives Paige directives in voice-over while Paige works her graphic magic. There's a long montage where Paige is supposed to be creating Billy's cover as a book publisher. She alters pictures, creates children's drawings, and devises a disguise for Billy that makes him look like a goateed Rivers Cuomo. All this stuff is pretty cool. I mean, it's pretty cool until Paige herself is dressing the office that Billy's going to use in order to impersonate this publisher guy. She's hanging pictures, placing nameplates, touching up his desk. Isn't she just a graphic designer? Didn't she state in the first episode that she was just a graphic designer for the CIA? Don't they have other people to do the legwork? I mean, it is the CIA, after all. Do you mean to tell me that SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN DO THIS SHIT? Whatever to the nth degree, you know?

In the office, Billy checks out all of Paige's handiwork as the head FBI Guy looks on. Then, Billy sits down, and Paige starts to PUT HIS DISGUISE ON HIM. I mean, she's got two cases there with mustaches and glasses and spirit gum and DUDES. She's a graphic designer AND a make-up artist? What in the hell design school did she go to, Theatrical Costume Graphic Designing For Covert Operations of West Virginia? Babies, if I could multi-task like ol' Paige here, I sure as hell wouldn't be unemployed right now.

There's some highly manufactured sexual vibes being exchanged between Paige and Billy while she cements his mustache to his face. Yuck. Yuck-a-doo. Paige leaves, and the author of the Thong article shows up. Billy and FBI Guy pretend to be interested in offering Thong Dude a book deal, complete with some earnest money, in order to get the ID of the source of the bomb article. Thong Dude is more than happy to comply. Then he lets it slip that some Russian movie producer has contacted him as well. Hello! Red flag! Guess the Russians are interested in the identity of this source as well. Shocker part quatre.

Rocky's Office Of Complacent Subterfuge. Patton enters. Rocky and Patton yak about the Thong source and the fake Russian movie producer, but it's really just filler, because Patton's actually here to ask why in the hell Cheese Stands Alone is acting all funky about the reality of a suitcase bomb. See, Patton's all about the truth; he's earned the truth, he can handle the truth, but neither Rocky nor Director Danbo is presenting the truth.

Meanwhile, Paige and Billy are riding along in Billy's car as Billy notices that they're being followed. There's some more manufactured sexual vibes as Billy requests that Paige invite him up to her place. Paige asks if this is a line that Billy uses to pick up chicks, and Billy tells her that it's simply a ruse to buy them time so he can get one of the CIA spooks on the trail of their follower. Or something like that. It's basically just a reason to get Billy into Paige's apartment and make us, the audience, think that the Russians are coming, the Russians are coming.

Back in the USSR. Rocky's dining on what looks like a plate of boiled potatoes while Dmitry peruses the Thong article. Rocky states that the CIA knows about the Russians talking to Thong Dude. Dmitry wants to know why they're playing this little game. "I don't view it as a game," says Rocky, taking a sip of what I'm hoping is a Jack and Coke. "Then you're either a better liar than I thought," says Dmitry, "or you need to have a serious talk with your director." Sniff. Sniff. What's that smell? That would be the overwhelming stench of a hefty square of Limburger wafting on the wind, my friends.

CIA Coffee Club. Billy's asking Patton about the car that was following him. Patton says it's a private investigator hired out of Arlington. Jeanie skitters up and announces that it's been discovered that someone's trying to sell the IRA a bomb. As they do the walk and talk, Jeanie surmises that this deal has Russian fingerprints all over it. The Patton Crew enters Bombardier Brie's office, all ready to confront him with this new info, and they're greeted by Dmitry himself. Jeanie tries to fill Cheddar in on the details, but he doesn't want to hear them and instead announces that from now on, the CIA is cooperating fully with the Russians. Dmitry's going to be their point man in the Russian Embassy. "And who will be their point man?" Patton wants to know. "Why you, [Patton]," says Babybel. "You."

Oooh, that sent shivers up my spine. Oh, wait. I forgot to close the kitchen window. My bad.

And now, to the truly trivial portion of the show...

Hacker Designs, Inc. Paige is over at some filing cabinet while Miles questions her about the car that was following her and Billy the evening. Then Miles sort of paces back and forth in front of Paige's desk, cross-examining her about Billy's presence at her apartment. Miles goes on to say something about his first post-divorce encounter, Paige totally denies that she and Billy were doin' the nas-tay all night, Miles keeps on insinuating that they were, Paige continues to deny it and continues to get all flustered, thereby negating her denials -- a sort of non-denial denial, if you will. It's an intensely stupid scene, manufactured to make us think that it's entirely possible that Paige and Billy are going to embark upon a hot and steamy mid-season romance. We all know this isn't true. How do we know this? Three reasons: 1) no woman, anywhere, would find Billy even remotely attractive, 2) there will be no mid-season ANYTHING, and 3) I don't care.

That being said, Miles was pretty damn funny in this scene. The man rocks. The pseudo-sexual-innuendo bantering disappears as soon as Miles holds up what looks like a picture of a shoe tread. Actually, when I first saw it, I was so busy plucking olives out of the jar that I didn't even notice what it was; it wasn't until the scene that it became clear to me. And even then I couldn't have cared less and continued to pierce olive after olive and shovel them into my gaping maw.

That same day, Patton has a so-not-clandestine-middle-of-the-park-with-briefcases-out-and-secret-documents-flapping meeting with Dmitry. They exchange files. Patton wants more. He always wants more. He's a naughty bunny. Bad bunny! Greedy bunny! Yeah, I know; too much porn. I think I need to go take a shower or something.

Okay, so whatever, they're going over their respective files and yammering on about Digger. It is SO not interesting at this point. But I just love Will Patton, so I keep watching, hoping he'll do something quirky or unusual or smartly character-actor-y. He doesn't. He pretty much just sits there with his hair all woofy and this pained expression on his face, but I love him anyway.

Out of the blue, Patton asks Dmitry what his shoe size is. Thinking that Patton's actually fishing to find out if the myth about big hands and big feet is true, Dmitry initially doesn't answer. Patton finally gets it out of him, and then Patton has this sort of hilarious Keystone Cops moment where he pulls out the shoe tread picture and all but scratches the top of his head in mock confusion. It got a "hee" out of me, and that's no easy feat. ["Heh. 'Feat.' Nice one. Okay, I'll go back to not caring now." -- Sars]

Basically, Patton thinks the shoe tread in question belongs to Dmitry. It's a Russian-made shoe in Dmitry's size. Dmitry tries with all his might to deny that it's his, but Patton won't be unconvinced. Dmitry calmly informs Patton that he didn't kill Digger. Patton believes him, but still thinks Dmitry was on Digger's property.

Debriefing Room Of The Grand Gorgonzola. They're all filling Monsignor Mascarpone in on the details of the whole bombs-for-sale scenario. The phone rings, and Rocky tells everyone that they tapped the phone of the guy who followed Paige and Billy last night and, if anyone's even remotely interested, they can listen in on a conversation right this minute. All the players are mercifully silent as they eavesdrop on what eventually turns out to be the private detective talking to Paige's ex-husband. Yawn. Was there a scene here? Did something happen? I'm sorry, I thought there was a whole bomb-scare national-crisis thing going on. I didn't realize that this show was actually about Paige and her sorry-ass personal life. Somebody get me a number two lead pencil. I need to stick it in my ear and poke my brain with it.

Meanwhile, Dmitry and Patton are walking along, happy as can be. They have this whole useless conversation about how Dmitry was, indeed, at Digger's the night he was killed, but that he was there to protect him. No, see, if you were there to protect him, HE WOULDN'T BE DEAD. Nice job, Russkie. "So who do you think stole that bomb?" Patton asks. "What bomb?" says Dmitry. You know what? If I cared more, I'd be really fucking irritated right now. As it is, I'm only moderately annoyed that half of the cast keeps talking about a bomb and the other half keeps acting like there isn't one. MAKE. UP. YOUR. MINDS. There's either a bomb, or there isn't. Which one is it? Huh? Which one?

Back to Trivial Land. Paige is all a-twitter in Miles's office. She's pissed off at her ex for interfering not only in her life, but also in a CIA operation that could save millions of lives. Whatever. Go back to your desk, Paige. We'll page you when we give a shit.

Okay, now there's this little scene where Rocky and Jeanie look up some info on some Irish guy named Rory O'Connor, because he's the IRA contact or something. Tra-la-la. Don't care. thing we know, Jeanie's talking to Soul Patch! Remember? The guy from the first episode that spouted some shit about being a poet? Yeah! Him! Oh, right. Nobody's reading this. I may as well be talking to myself. Not that I don't anyway. I mean, I live alone, you know? There are times when I'll have whole conversations with myself OUT LOUD and I'll suddenly stop and realize that soon I'll have nineteen cats and I'll never shower and I'll keep finding errant pieces of food in my hair and little children will run the other way when they come across me dithering down the street in my top hat and sparkly Converse All-Stars.

Anyway, Jeanie asks Soul Patch to hack into some anonymous re-mailer or something. I don't know what the hell she's talking about. Soul Patch notices Paige working on something and asks her what she's doing. She tersely answers that she's working on a special project. Gee, wonder what that is? You can bet your sweet ass she isn't working on her portfolio.

Elsewhere, Dmitry and Patton are continuing their endless conversation. Patton wants to know why Digger was killed if he didn't have a bomb. Dmitry says that perhaps Digger had something that even the Russians didn't know about. "Like what?" asks Patton. "Like a stack of vintage 1963 Playboys or the entire bootleg collection of Traci Lords underage porn," says Dmitry. "Or, you know, smoke detectors, or something like that." Patton suddenly gets extremely pissed off and demands to know if Dmitry's holding anything back. Dmitry flips him the bird and scrambles off to his Russian limo before Patton can head-butt him.

And again with the Valley of Trivial Pursuits. Miles is chugging coffee at Paige's desk. He comes across some wayward documents and asks Paige what they are. They're Paige's recreations of magazines and articles that her ex stole a bunch of ad campaigns from. That's it. That's all. There's an entire two-minute scene built around this core premise. Will I recap it in detail? What the hell do you think?

Then Jeanie's spy-speaking about the hacking procedure. What was that? Do I care? That answer would be no, thank you very much. They found some guy who used to work at Digger's hardware store or something. Long and short of it is, this guy -- let's call him "Duke Nuke 'Em," or "Nuke" for short -- lives with his mother, subscribes to all sorts of gun magazines, and has been bragging around in various chat rooms that he has his hands on a nuclear weapon.

And here's the scene that is ripped almost directly out of Silence of the Lambs. We see Nuke in some room somewhere, and there's a knock on his door. He grabs his gun and moves to it as we see a group of FBI guys outside the door with guns at the ready. Inside, outside, Nuke, FBI, inside, outside, Nuke, FBI. Nuke opens the door and...it's the motel maid, asking if he wants more towels. At the same time, the FBI is questioning a shaken Mother Nuke. See? It's just like that scene where Clarice Starling goes to Jame Gumb's house and the FBI thinks that they're at Jame Gumb's house, but when Jame Gumb goes to open the door, it's Clarice standing outside and not the FBI. It's just like that! Except, while watching this scene in the Agency, I didn't jump out of my chair and spew popcorn all over my friend Lena. Actually, I think I scratched my nose and wondered where my Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers had gotten to.

Havarti Headquarters. Commander Camembert is trying to get Rocky to fill him in on all the details. Rocky informs him that Nuke may have shielded the bomb. "There is no bomb, [Rocky]," says Professor Parmesan. Right. There's no bomb. That thing that we saw Nuke fiddling with in his motel room right before the commercial break just looked like a bomb; it was really a rather large Palm Pilot. No bomb. Right-o, Ricotta. Rocky fills Neufchatel in on all the Nuke details. Care? Not me.

Hacker Designs, Inc. Jeanie and Rocky get Soul Patch to hack into the chat room and impersonate Nuke in order to scare off this O'Connor dude. Caring? Less and less.

Ten Tons Of Triviality Tennis Courts. Paige is parked on the hood of her ex's car. He's not entirely pleased to see her. He's even less pleased when she pulls out her graphic design handiwork. He's all, fuck you, these aren't even real. She's all, yeah, and the courts will give a shit about that. He's all, I should have killed you on our honeymoon, you conniving bitch. She's all, I should have castrated you at the altar, you philandering fuck! He's all, fine, what do you want from me. She's all, drop the detective and stay the fuck away from me. He's all, okay, but can I keep the Zeppelin box set? She sets his car on fire.

Over in some random parking lot, Billy's preparing to impersonate the IRA guy. Blah dee blah dee blah. Billy gets a cellular call and heads off for the meet. Wearing a leather jacket that was obviously lifted from Tom Cruise's donation to the Salvation Army, Billy wanders warily (ooooh...alliteration) into an abandoned building. He hears a noise, draws his gun, and shouts out Nuke's name. Nope, sorry. Not Nuke. Dmitry. Unfortunately, Nuke was unable to attend this bomb exchange, because the Russians have located him, which can only mean that Nuke's played Bomb Exchange for the very last time.

Sure enough, when Billy shows up at Nuke's motel, Nuke is lying face-up on the bed with a bullet hole in his forehead. Dmitry claims that Nuke tried to put up a fight so the Russians fought back. Billy wants to know where the hell the bomb is. Dmitry states that, just as there is no spoon, there is no bomb. Sadly, Billy is no Neo and there will be no mondo-shoot-out set to the throbbing beat of the Propellerheads.

Pecorino Party Palace. First Man Feta is congratulating everyone on their hard work. Billy informs Brigadier Boursin that there were traces of radiation found in Nuke's motel room, and witnesses claim they saw him carting around a suitcase that miraculously disappeared before the FBI and Billy showed up at the death scene. Chief Cheddar basically tells Billy to pick up the nearest spiny porcupine and shove it straight up his bunghole. Meeting adjourned.

Later that night, Grand Marshal Gruyere is heading home. Patton, reclining on a very comfortable stone slab, stops him. Patton reminds Engineer Edam that he recently asked Patton to prepare a report for the White House on current nuclear threats. "I'm going to be adding an addendum on suitcase bombs," says Patton. "No you won't," says Judge Jarlsberg. "Oh, yes I will," says Patton. "Oh, no you won't," says Captain Cabrales. "YES I WILL." "NO YOU WON'T." "WILL." "WON'T." "WILL INFINITY." "Dammit! Owe ya a Coke."

Anyway, Patton's all indignant that, as the National Security Advisor, it's pretty much his duty to inform the higher-ups about the current state of national security. I mean, IT'S IN HIS TITLE. Señor Scamorza keeps after Patton not to include this whole suitcase bomb scenario in his report and wants to know why Patton's so adamant about it. "Because it's the truth," says Patton. But, see, Mister Mozzarella isn't particularly interested in the truth, being the head of the CIA and all.

Patton's all, where's the bomb? Sergeant Stilton's all, if I told you the situation was contained and the American people are all completely safe, would you believe me? Patton's all, right, because you've been the pinnacle of honesty up to this point. Ticket-Taker Toscanello's all, well, everyone's safe, okay? So just shut the hell up and go search eBay for vintage Tonka Trucks or something. And with that, Admiral Appenzell walks off, leaving Patton to stew about truth, justice, and the American way, all while sitting on a cold marble slab beneath the etched phrase, "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free."

And the truth is, that's the recap folks. And I am outta here. Write me in rehab!