So as I called it, Fox executives who cautiously only ordered six episodes of Temptation Island were, indeed, slamming their heads into the wall with frustration and thus figured out a way to squeeze more juice out of this runt of a fruit: they are expanding these -- the last two scheduled episodes -- into three. What does that mean for Fox? More ad revenue, as TI has grown to be one of the highest-rated shows of the season. What does it mean for you? One extra recap. Eight thousand more words of ill will and contempt thinly masking keen interest. What does it mean for me? These last episodes will have even more filler and nonsense to wade through. I can't tell yet if that's good or bad. I'll let you know. One thing it unfortunately might mean is more Mark L. Walberg, and really, increased ad revenue or no, that's no good for anyone.
Aw hell, look at that -- no intro this week. I guess they figured out that if we didn't know how the show worked by now, we were living in a cave. That, or they just didn't want me to be able to skate by three minutes of the show by just posting the same intro as the last four recaps. Either way: damn you Fox. (Oh, and damn you Fox for not making sure The $treet killed Thomas Everett Scott's career for good, as I just read he's been cast as the lead in a new hour-long on one of the other networks. Man, Fox. You really can't do anything right, can you?)
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Random shots. Belly licking. Island Prettiness. Mark L. Walberg's eczema-inducing voice-over begins. He tools that, last week, a shocking discovery was made -- that Yahtzee and Taheed have a kid. We see ProducerChris confronting them with the bust, and their not apologizing, but rather Yahtzee's smugly accepting their offer to put them up in another "location" to work on their relationship, saying that one can either run away or deal with the situation, and she chose to deal with the situation. That's like walking into a store, shooting someone in the head, and then, when you're in court, patting yourself on the back for being brave enough to be in court. Or having a kid and then shouting from the rooftop, "I take care of my baby." Or entering into an eleven-year fake marriage arranged by a wholly evil cult, and then having the courage to admit the marriage was a sham. Oh, I guess that last one doesn't really fit. So anyway, they show the kids making their selections for the triple date. On that date, Mandy and Tom swim and drink. Shannon tells us she really likes Tom. Mandy says Tom tests the boundaries for her. Mandy has boundaries in dating? What, like no anal before the salad course? So Mandy and Shannon both want some Tomcat. Mandy whore-dances all over Tom. Meanwhile, Andy and Kaya both dig them some Megan. (This time, we will simply assume that Kaya really digs Megan. Let's make the stretch. That Mandy is not a stripper, however, is a leap of faith I'm not prepared to make even for simplicity's sake.) Andy, whose third-degree facial sunburn has progressed to the point that he is about the color of Ice-T, and I ain't talking the drink. Schmonfires. Both the guys and girls decide to lose the "blocks," allowing their partners to date the most "temping" ho. Mark L. Walberg chumps, "We're going to a new level now!" They then watch the "after-hours" footage. Mandy says of Billy's striptease, "He looked like a whore." The Coconut of Irony immediately falls on Mandy's head. Once again, we see Kaya acting out his gay-rodeo fantasies. Mandy whine-stomps around, and then leaps out of the boat and cries in the bathroom. She tells us that if Billy wants to ruin their relationship, he should "be [her] guest." She weeps, "God I hate this. I hate it so much." Word, sister.
"Day 8. 30 Minutes After Girls' Bonfire." The girls get on the boat. I think this is part of the Fox "stretch." Mandy tells us once a-fucking-gain about watching the videotapes and how bad it made her feel. Shannon tells us that she "cautioned against it," and that seeing things out of context "kills you." Mandy bad-sound-edits that she feels like she's been dating a stranger, while we see Billy's striptease. She says that this could end their relationship, and she really wouldn't care right now. Valerie tells Mandy that she's scared, now, that Kaya also saw some disturbing footage and used it as fuel to get busy. But unless Billy or Andy were willing to "experiment," I don't really see what Kaya could do in way of...oh: Mark L. Walberg. The "X" factor on the island. Mandy, with the modified Ten Buns of Ugly, tells us that she's mad and feels like she's about to throw away her relationship. The only person she should really be mad at is her hairdresser.
"Moments After Guys' Bonfire." The guys walk on the beach. They talk about the footage where the boy hos paraded nearly naked in front of their ladies and made their pleas. Andy talks about MasseurSean with the opening of the towel and the pickle (glasses case, as it turns out) on his wiener. Andy calls him, "Mr. Massage Rub-A-Dub-Dub Therapy Guy" and says that he probably wasn't the only one showing his goods that night.
Now they're at a bar, all drinking with Megan, the girl everyone wants, this side's Tom. They tell her about the footage, saying that the ladies are getting wilder, and Andy says that he thinks it is Shannon doing the instigating; we, indeed, see shots of the drunk, hot-tubbing Shannon hanging on Sean and stirring shit up. Andy, wearing his chemo-looking bandana, tells us that from the tape he can tell that Shannon is now "going for it." He philosophically muses, "What's come of this is what's come of this." He says he's not going to dwell or pout, and that things happen for a reason, and that if it turns their relationship upside-down, that it will turn him upside-down but that, again, everything happens for a reason. Man, I've seen puddles with more depth, line-drawings with more dimensions. Swimming pool. Swimming pool.
Morning has broken. The Music of My Carpal Tunnel plays as we are treated to "Day 9." Island Prettiness. "Women's Resort." Mark L. Walberg sits the three ladies down on the beach and begins to babble nervously. He says that they have to boot another guy off, and that while earlier they had to go on first impressions, now they have had the chance to get to know the guys a bit more. He tools that, this time, the guys will come out one at a time and tell the ladies which of the three they like the best. Well, that's pretty mean, but effective and, yeah, I can't wait. Mark L. Walberg goes to sit on a bench behind them and immediately begins drinking water, nervous that he had to talk to the ladies because he's never been good at talking to girls, especially since during his first year as an intern at Dick Clark Productions he tried asking the receptionist out and she threw a scalding cup of coffee in his face, rendering his cheeks permanently puffy, and doing other lasting damage to his confidence. The ladies say "this is weird," as the first of the guys sits down. DreadJohnny picks Mandy because she is "beautiful"...well, and because she gave him a hummer after two shots of Absolut. MasseurSean picks Mandy. NormalTallJon says he likes Valerie's fine exterior and soft and warm interior. What, is she a Mrs. Field's cookie? GayAndOldLookingJim picks Valerie, smooth-talking his way into the hearts of ladies everywhere by saying, "You're a babe." Poor Shannon gulps and shakes her head. Aw, but SchlubCharlie picks Shannon! Good. is MotoDano. Shannon again! Mandy gives Shannon a jealous look. GoofyMatt picks Shannon, because they were "cutting a rug" the other night. Who?Evan picks Shannon, because "she's a partier." IcemanGreg says Shannon. Ha. Mandy is pissed now. Shannon "pffffts." Tomcat says that he doesn't know what to say. Mandy breathes, "This is so uncomfortable." Tom pauses, and then says that the first time he saw Shannon he thought she was so beautiful and that "getting to know [her] has been all of that." Uh, that "Ivy League" education didn't include classes in eloquence, I guess. He picks Shannon, and then slinks off, wondering if this means he can still sleep with Mandy. (Yeah, sure.) All the guys ask Tom who he picked, and then high-five him.