Hello, kids. This is episode four. We're past the halfway mark. Whoa, did you hear that sound? That was the sounds of eight Fox executives hitting themselves in the head repeatedly for only ordering six episodes. Wait, did you hear that sound? That was the sound of Mark L. Walberg's career high point moving closer to being officially behind him. Oh, and that sound? That was my cat trying to chew her way out the screen door. Not so fast, missy. If I have to sit through Mark L. Walberg's long intro, so do you.
Okay, we start once again with the intro. You know it by heart by now, but here you go, once again: "These four couples have embarked on an incredible journey. Although they're in committed relationships...blah...test their devotion...blah...'have I found the one or is there someone better out there for me?'...blah...They were separated from their mates and sent to opposite ends of the island...blah...twenty-six singles...blah...in search of romance. For two weeks they will mix, mingle, and date...blah...the least compatible singles will be voted off the island...blah...after each date they will confront their emotions at Bonfire...blah...videotape of their partner's experiences on the other side of the island...blah...each will narrow the field to one with whom they will share an exotic final date...blah...reunite on the last night of their journey to confess their experience to each other and decide the fate of their relationship...blah...find out as these four couples embark on a once in a lifetime journey here on Temptation Island." During that epic fucking monologue, we get a fucking tsunami of images. Shots of the couples with their length of relationship posted. A shot of Billy with hair. Shot of final dinner. Meeting the singles at the swimming pool. Horseback riding. Hot tubbing. A butterfly being held on someone's stomach -- mostly likely then killing the butterfly in the process. Hot tub. More date montage. Andy is tempted. Blonde girl ho jumping on Billy. Kaya cuddling (with a girl, shockingly enough.) Girl bonfire. Mandy crying. Boy bonfire. Billy slamming his head into Andy's shoulder in pain and jealousy. Kaya kissing someone. Shannon on Dreadboy's lap. Hick blonde girl ho and Taheed snuggling. Valerie and Kaya together. Billy and Mandy. Billy sad. Shannon and Andy. Andy sad. Billy. Taheed. Yahtzee, Mandy having taken her hair out of the terrible mistake that was the Ten Buns of Ugly. Kaya all shiny. Mark L. Walberg on the beach. His arms wide open. Welcome to this place. He'll show us everything. Beach. Swirly beach. Helicopter-shot swirly beach. Logo!
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Vanessa. Johnny. Lisa. Our ladies and the guy hos frolic, as Mark L. Walberg blahs that the separation getting to them, the ladies tested their boundaries with the single guys. People frolic on the beach. People jump into the hot tub. Well, that's just not safe. I wish Shannon would slip and hit her head and sue Fox. Maybe Rupert Murdoch would then have to put off buying a new helicopter for his mistress for a few days. Why do people shriek when they're having a drunken good time? It's like that totally random and uninspired yell the people on MTV give when they're talking about why they requested Jessica Simpson's new song cuz it rocks and "Whoo!" So we learn that Johnny tried to make a play for Mandy, but all we see is him talking about how he'd like to "give" Mandy whatever it is that Billy isn't giving her. Then the second date group selection process where Shannon was jealous of SwimmingNeedyCarla and Mandy gave the stink-eye to Vanessa when she jumped in Billy's arms; Mandy almost lost her lunch -- which, judging by her skinny-ass body, was probably a Rye-Krisp with a half a grape on top. Then see we moments from Johnny and Mandy's date at a "jungle spa." Ha. They rub each other afterwards as Mandy tells us that she doesn't know what's going to happen, and that she's very attracted to Johnny, and we see them kiss. Then Bonfire, where Billy watches Mandy ho ho ho around the island with Johnny and say how "sorry" she is; Billy doesn't want to watch the rest of the tape. , we see the drink session where the guys talk about Mandy's transgression, Kaya acts out his gay-rodeo fantasy, and they wonder if Billy is indeed seeking solace in Vanessa's cabana. We see Billy indeed seeking solace in Vanessa's cabana. Billy tells us, "It's way too real now." And this intro is way to long now.
Okay. "9:03pm, Vanessa's Cabana." I'm glad we got the exact time, although they didn't say if it's Central or Pacific or Belize National time or what. Billy heads to Vanessa's cabana, telling us that after viewing the disturbing tape, he wanted to even the score a bit. He walks in -- the door closes ominously. The Drums of My Enlarged Liver plays as we see "One Hour Later," Billy and Vanessa going to drink at the bar. I guess an hour is plenty of time for them to do their thing, but more likely Billy just sat on her floor and cried about Mandy, while Vanessa tried to show him her Perfect 10 photo spread. After that, why not come join the others and knock a few back? Billy tells us, very unconvincingly, that Vanessa is hot and he's way attracted to her, as if the whole time he's talking he isn't wondering what Mandy is doing and plotting a way that he could ditch the cameras and steal Mark L. Walberg's scooter to go to the other side of the island and spy on Mandy. Billy tells us that they went to the bar so he could stop his brain from going a "hundred miles per hour." Billy tells us that at one point he realized, "All right, now I guess I can go do whatever I want." we see him dancing around like a fool in front of the girls, starting a striptease. In the middle of this, the girl who shows her vagina for money, Vanessa, reverts to Junior High and tells us how the other girls told her that Billy likes her and she has "goo-goo doll eyes over it." I have no idea what that means, but I certainly hope I'm not going to suddenly have to hear "Iris." So Billy takes his shirt off and gyrates in a way that makes me sad for Mandy and Billy and Vanessa and me and just everyone involved, telling us that his hormones and brain and battling it out right now over what to do. Eventually we go slo-mo and Billy goddamn thankfully stops dancing.
Well, that's it. That's the end of the segment. Billy killed Day 6. So we get a graphic reading, "Day 7," and we go inside Mandy's cabana, where she is asleep. I wonder, just where is that stuffed monkey from the earlier episode? I wonder how many guys have been where that monkey is. Lucky monkey. So she wakes up saying that she felt bad upon waking up, thinking about how Billy had to see a tape of her and Johnny's date and must have seen the bad stuff and blah blah blah You'reAHocakes. She runs out onto the dock, saying how nervous she is to hear Billy's message. She watches it. Billy says that he won't lie and that he couldn't watch her whole tape. Mandy exclaims and says, "Ah, this kills me. I knew they would show him a bad part of our date." No? Really? How did you know that? Well, I need to ask you a few questions about my new job and this girl I like because you're fucking psychic, lady. You've got a gift. We see the whole unpleasant nipple-licking incident I'd like very much to forget. She goes on to say that she's sure Billy won't understand. What part wouldn't he understand? The part where she kisses some other guy or the part where he drinks booze from her navel? The guys watch the tape, and once again Billy says he doesn't want to watch the rest. Billy tells us that Andy, at first, tried to tell him that it wasn't a big deal, but then soon admitted, "Yeah, it was a...nothing any of them would wish upon [him]." In Mandy's tape, she wears a crazy colorful bandana, going on to say that she's sure that Billy saw a clip of her date. She says nothing about it, instead saying that going out with Johnny was really fun. Great. Way to make the Billy feel better. That's very soothing. She finishes by saying, "I finally got my confidence back up." Wow. Billy has nothing to be worried about now. Billy tells us that no matter how much he prepared himself to see something hurtful from Mandy, that there's no way he could be ready for it and that everyone is in denial and when something actually happens it's "not pleasant." Billy ends his tape, "I love you very much and I trust your judgment." Mandy cries to us, "Oh my god, he's so hurt." Yeah, I wonder why? Oh right, because you almost blew Johnny while doing shots of Cuervo.
, the fruittacular Kaya gets his tape and listens. Valerie tells him that the first few days were rough for her, and that she even saw him heading out on his first date, and she waved and he ignored her (he didn't even see her, we learn.) She goes on that her mind then started "working." Good -- it had to eventually. I hope it'll work enough to make her aware of the fact that Kaya is...well, different. ["'Special'? 'In show business'? 'Single, thin, and neat'?" -- Wing Chun] Kaya says that he's letting himself explore "all the possibilities here." Oh. Well, then. That should be interesting. Valerie watches her shiny boyfriend with his creepy eyes and his high hair telling her that it's "all good," and that she should have fun. She says, "He told me everything I wanted to hear, and more," her voice twitching like Katharine Hepburn ordering some scotch from Pink Dot. I don't understand why what he said made Valerie happy. But then again, I don't understand why anything about Kaya makes Valerie happy.
So , Shannon watches Andy's tape. He says what a great date he had with Carla and that he is, indeed, spreading himself thin. He goes on to dick that he's sure she'd rather he hook up with five different girls once than with one girl five times. Okay, the mere fact that she doesn't throw the device in the water proves that they must have an open relationship. Too bad it's not "open" enough for her to see what a dickface he is. Now Shannon tells Andy that she doesn't have a lot to say and that after getting enough of a "preview" of Carla and Andy's date when Carla jumped on him all wet, she decided to continue what he set up -- their not watching each others' date tapes. Andy philosophizes that he thinks maybe she's trying to get back at him, or just maybe she indeed is having to much fun to have much to say and that it gets his "wheels turning." I wish his wheels would start turning faster and take him right off the island.
Now Taheed. He is surprised to get a tape. Yahtzee says that she is guessing, based on his body language, that he is planning on doing what he said he'd do when they left L.A., and that she is doing the same. I wonder if that includes getting booted off that island. Taheed douches that she "brought a lot of it on herself" by not using their last ten minutes together constructively. Yahtzee continues that she's having a great time and sheloveshimbye. Taheed muses that she's prone to try to get revenge and says, without knowing that his words will very soon prove quite prophetic, "The end will come and we will be able to determine then what happens." Yahtzee heads out to the deck and opens the box to find it empty. She tells us that she would have liked to receive a tape showing him apologizing and saying that he loves her, but that in his style, he's choosing to "remain a hard-ass." I alternately feel sorry for her and then disgusted. "Sort of how I feel about you," says my cat. Shut up. Walking away, she says, "Makes my decision easier." Ooh.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. So the Music of My Growing Ulcer begins as IcemanGreg walks with a crying Yahtzee after her no-message-getting. He then tattles to us that Yahtzee was upset, and they talked about the relationship, and Yahtzee revealed that they had an infant son together. Greg babbles about how she can't get out of her relationship with the son between them and she's stuck and he'd love to be able to help and blah blah blah NeverLeaveYourWingmancakes, but really all I'm concentrating on is reconciling Yahtzee's insane abs with the fact that she gave birth less than two years ago. So now Yahtzee, busted, tells us that she wanted to salvage the relationship and move forward, but that Taheed has disappointed her time and time and time again. Iceman lays down some great insight by telling us that who knows what's going on with Taheed, however, and that there are "two sides to every story." He repeats the profundity before going to jerk off behind a dune.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Island Ho: Mandy. She tells us that after the viewing of the tapes, they saw ProducerChris arriving on their side of the island. She knew something was wrong because they never see or talk to ProducerChris and aren't allowed to. She continues, getting all Georgia Peach on us under the duress, "Mah heart was rahcin'. We're all lookin' at each other like, 'Something's about to go down.'" You mean something besides you, Mandy? Now Taheed arrives on the ladies' side, obviously having been summoned. He sees Yahtzee outside her cabana and she tells him to come in. Inside, Taheed finds ProducerChris and some random guy. The couple sits as ProducerChris babbles that they knew their time was going to be emotional and that's fine, but that "some information has come up that is problematic." Crazy Music of Busted as the couple sits looking icredibly guilty, and we fade to commercial.
Only two weeks left until Barbra Streisand: Timeless. Single people alone on Valentine's: can you think of anything more fun than getting smashed with friends and ripping this "special" apart. Well, yeah, finding someone to love would be more fun, but aside from that...
Music. Music. Cabana. ProducerChris continues that he knows they have a kid together, and that it is dangerous for the show, and that he and Fox have a responsibility not to put the parents of a child in a situation where they would be tempted and possibly fracture the relationship. It's really such a fucking phony moral line they're drawing in the sand here, with so many arguments on both sides that I can't get into it. Suffice it to say that the whole mess could have, should have, been averted if Fox had just done a little fucking investigative work. I mean, you'd think they'd have learned their lesson after the Who Wants To Marry A Poor Failed Stand-Up? débacle. ProducerChris continues with his moral justification of this sleazy-ass despicable show, saying that it's fine for singles who are trying to decide if their relationship is right. ProducerChris kind of looks like The Big Lebowski, but without the charisma or the White Russian. He announces that they have to pull them "out of the mix," and Yahtzee and Taheed nod their heads in supplication. ProducerChris then makes me, my cat, and everyone not watching The West Wing retch when he faux-solemnly announces that he's arranged for them to leave the dating world here, but to move into another suite where they can work on their relationship away from the real world -- the benefit, of course, being that the show can then still check in on them and intrude on their lives. He goes on that he wants it to be their decision, asking, "Are you guys all right?" and then leaves, giving them time to think. So nice of him to bail, but then leave the camera crew right there. So ProducerChris leaves and Taheed and Yahtzee play a quick game of "what do you want to do?" before Taheed announces to us that (since he obviously so fucking doesn't care) he left the decision up to Yahtzee. Yahtzee hems and haws that she wants to leave, but that she hates to run away, and that it would give them some time to figure out what they want to do. Taheed passionately tells us that, yeah, it might give them a chance to figure things out...or, like, not...whatever. They decide to stay and call ProducerChris -- who was probably just outside watching live feed from inside the house -- back into the cabana. They tell ProducerChris and he tells them to pack up and say goodbye to everyone, and that they have a boat waiting to take them to wherever they're going. (Man, I'd be afraid that I was going to be taken off to some Fox internment camp and never heard from again -- that I'd be doing hard labor on Rupert Murdoch's house with the casts of the failed Get Real and The $treet.)
So after not thanking ProducerChris or even apologizing for lying, Taheed and Yahtzee leave. Yahtzee sanctimoniously tells us that she could have walked away from the situation, but instead she chose to deal with it. Man, I haven't seen such fast spin since my friend dropped three tabs of acid at a Dead show and decided to get up and start dancing. So Taheed packs in front of his shirtless friends, convincing no one by saying that he doesn't think two people should be together just because they have a kid. But, he says, expecting mad props, that he will "take care of [his] responsibilities." Kaya lays out eight phony supermarket-check-out-stand-book motivational phrases in seven seconds, including, "Just do what's right for you" and "Go with what your heart says" and "It'll all work out." As they all say goodbye, I notice that Billy is wearing either a sheet or an actual ManSkirt around his waist. Ha. I wonder if Kaya is jealous. As Taheed leaves, Kaya tells us that they will share a kid forever, and thus have every motivation in the world to patch it up. Well, except for the small fact that they fucking hate each other.
Casa de Womens. The ladies exchange addresses as Mandy tells Yahtzee that this will give them a chance to talk, and maybe to say goodbye if that's what is going to happen. Pessimistic Mandy, always focusing on the break-up. Her Billy is always half full. Valerie says that you should, indeed, break up if something is going badly because otherwise you're preventing "the person you're supposed to be with" from coming into your life. She's smart sometimes. Andy says that he'll miss Taheed, and that he's not going to judge him. Better not, you glass-house-living little turnip. Billy is indeed wearing a ManSkirt. The girls all hug outside the boat. Shannon busts some justification about how Taheed and Yahtzee didn't realize how serious the situation potentially was when they came on the show. Kaya wins Fox's blessings by saying that now, with Taheed gone, things will be "more intense for the three of [them]." Taheed and Yahtzee's boats pull out. If only Taheed had pulled out, this wouldn't be happening.
The All-Right-Move-Along-Nothing-To-See-Here-Hey-Remember-The-Titties? montage plays as Mark L. Walberg tools his way to his spot at the swimming pool and people faux-applaud and the remaining six take their seats with the hos lined up on opposite sides of the pool, as usual. We get a brief ho-tage as Mark L. Walberg greets everyone, the editors not even bothering in one shot to make the words match as Mark L. Walberg isn't even saying anything in the shot, just smiling stupidly as he is crazy wont to do. Mandy tells us that she could tell Billy was not happy to see her. Mark L. Walberg asks Billy how he is and he glumly says, "It's been a rough morning." Mark L. Walberg acknowledges that they are probably all shaken up by Tahgone and Yabyebye's departure, and that in light of that they have a fun day planned: they will go on a Triple Date. In case we can't figure out what this means, he explains that the three ladies and the boy hos they're about to pick will all go out together, the same with the guys and their to-be-determined girl hos. Everyone seems to like that idea. Mark L. Walberg opens his arms in that need for approval, and now -- briefly mollified that he's an okay host and that they like him, the demons temporarily at bay -- he says that they'll chose via Peer Dating, which just seems like mixing the stupid "catchphrases," but whatever, Mark L. Walberg, it's your fucking world, I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut. (Kaya's trying to get a nut. He has easy access, too, with Billy in that ManSkirt.) The way the Peer Dating works is, for example, Valerie and Mandy will choose two boy hos they think Shannon would like to date; Shannon then chooses between the two.
Okay. So Valerie is first. Mark L. Walberg blahs that it's hard because they have to pick while saving the guys they want for themselves and ha ha ha and shut up, tool. They pick DreadJohnny, and TallJon. Valerie picks Jon, the guy I said seemed the most normal. I guess the guys agree because Billy and Kaya say that he's "acceptable." So now Mandy. Montage. Montage. Ha: Johnny throws water on himself. They pick IcemanGreg and Rappin'Tom. Naturally, even though Greg does his best to flex his squat, unappealing muscles, Mandy picks Tomcat with the non-hip-hop rhythm. up is Shannon. They pick MotocrossRacingDano and WhothefuckisJim? She picks Dano, to Andy's surprise. Andy slaps Dano's hand, saying, "Enjoy." Man, Andy is a creepy creepy little creepmonster. Now he's wearing a bandana, too, but he doesn't quite know how to pull it off, so instead of being cool like Billy, it looks more like when my sister dressed up as a gypsy for Halloween in 1976. Mark L. Walberg asks the guys if they have "any worries." No one answers him, but at this point does he really expect them to? He knows they hate him and very much want to feed him to the feral dogs running loose all over the island.
Anyway, so now it's the guys' turn and Kaya is first. Billy and Andy pick "Sean and Charlie," but quickly realize they're supposed to pick girls for their friend and they pick "Athletic"Elizabeth and Taheed'sgirlLaWonna instead. Mark L. Walberg asks how Valerie is doing, and at first she says nothing but then realizes she should probably mask her hatred a little and she says that she's doing okay. Now for Billy. Shots of worried Mandy. Worried Mandy. ManSkirted Billy. Done. They pick PerkyTeacherMegan and DoctorAlison. Billy picks Megan. He didn't want Alison now that she's tainted with Kaya-stank. This is funny: Mandy tells us that when Billy picked Megan, Tom leaned down and asked if she was okay. Mandy: "Aw, that's just so sweet. Tom rose above Billy by respecting me and I'm not Tom's girlfriend, I'm Billy's girlfriend, and Billy's the one that should be respectful." This is the game, bitchface. This is the show that you wanted to be on that you just kissed a guy on in front of your boyfriend and Billy isn't even allowed to talk to you and how is he going to play the game and also see if you're all right and you already know, anyway, how much more he loves you than you love him and Ij[ase xgrbitruwaugasljklasf (that's my fist hitting the keyboard in frustration at Mandy), I'm just so pissed. So, for Andy, they pick SeriousVenus and SmoochyVanessa. So Andy asks Venus if she's been on a date yet, and she says no, so he picks her. See, that's kinda nice. Now if someone would just ask Britt out -- Britt who has seriously not been seen since the initial introductions unless she's just happened to be standing to someone they actually wanted to film. So Mark L. Walberg says, "Andy never ceases to amaze me." Shannon says, "Me too," and then blows me out of my chair by saying that Andy keeps getting "better and better" on this trip and that she loved his "selfless rationale" for picking Venus and it made her want to run over and jump him. Shannon gives Andy a sweet and longing look. Unreal. But now, ha, Venus tells us that she was "actually offended" by Andy asking her out -- she thought it was a "pity date." Then why don't you step aside and let Britt go look at some damn monkeys or go diving if you don't want to go? But then again, it is with Andy, and I don't think I'd wish that on my girl. So Mark L. Walberg tells them all to have a great time, the Vicodin the crew gave him after he found out about Yahtzee and Taheed so that he would stop crying starting to wear off. Mandy says that when they all departed she was still so mad at how Billy was acting and that it made her "skin crawl"; she was all, "screw Billy." And as they leave the swimming-pool area, we get a shot of them going off happy and tanned and young as Mark L. Walberg is left sitting alone on his little stool, wondering if the Belizian fortune-teller was right -- that he's going to end his days at the Screen Actors' Guild old-age home in Sherman Oaks, California, drinking Four Roses with Boner from Growing Pains and writing senile letters to Variety about how he just signed a deal for Temptation Island Four, which they're filming on Saturn this summer. Commercials.
Is this a nightmare -- a Tim Burton movie with a cartoon monkey, Brendan Fraser, and music by Offspring? Please, someone tell me this is a big joke on ol' Stee. Ha ha, people.
Clouds. Cloud. "Girls' Triple Date." Mandy/Tom. Valerie/Jon. Shannon/Dano. They all get on a boat as Mandy tells us how hot she thinks Tom is and how sexy and caring and blah blah blah JustFuckHimAlreadycakes. Tom stands on the front of the boat and does the "I'm the king of the world!" thing which immediately places him firmly on the "tool" side of the boy hos, if he wasn't already after the ill-fated rap. Sailing. Sailing. Mandy and Tom cuddling. Man, she's fast. Mandy says of Tom, "He lets me blossom to him, at my own pace." They arrive at a house and they delight to see they have a pool. I think even the cars in Belize have pools. Mandy and Tom swim and drink something out of a huge nut and Mandy tells us, her make-up extra-thick this day, that Tom is the only guy on the island that really "tempts" her and might cause trouble for her and Billy.
"Guys' Triple Date." Andy/Venus. Billy/Megan. Kaya/LaWonna. As the kids are all diving off some dock somewhere, presumably at some similar island house they've been given in which to party, Billy says, "Tom must be a real stud -- all the girls like him. But you just can't keep focusing on things like that. Especially when you're trying to have a good time." Billy tells us that his date with Megan is really fun. Andy -- his nose so sunburned it looks black -- chumps that if he wrote down everything he likes in a girl, it would be Megan. Andy jealously looks at Billy and Megan flirting and, butchering the English language beyond recognition, says, "She sets the standard for a kind of woman that anybody wants to be in a relationship with in terms of how good she can make you feel." Yeah. I'm just going to try to ignore how dopey that comment is. Andy goes on to tell us that his date, Venus, is very boring and that he has no common ground with her. Okay, that I believe. Kaya then tells us that he likes Megan, too, but that she's blocked from him. Over lunch, Megan laughs about how Valerie still gives her the stink-eye. Kaya then tells us of Megan, "She's beautiful, intellectual, sensitive, and sexual." I think Megan is "blocked" for Kaya in more ways than one. The laughing lunch continues as Kaya says that there was a lot of tension between Megan, Andy, and himself, and that he didn't want to "stomp on [Andy's] feet" -- that it's not his way. Ha. I bet there was a lot of tension between him and Andy. So I guess despite the fact that Billy is dating Megan this time, Kaya and Andy are the ones who really want her. , out on the dock, Kaya busts out with a long, babbling monologue about how there is no real true monogamy and how you can't really own someone, and LaWonna listens, looking like she'd even rather talk to Andy than this tool. Kaya: "There's not really such a thing as a boyfriend and a girlfriend in a perfect place." Yeah, in Kaya's "perfect place" there are indeed no boyfriend-girlfriend situations whatsoever. Kaya tells us that LaWonna is very attractive and he is drawn to her. Night falls and everyone is sailing back on a boat and Kaya continues to talk our ears off, telling us that he wants to really explore things and find out just want he wants during his time here and that he's ready for the "intensity" of experience on the island to pick up a few notches and that he's not going to leave with any regrets. I regret the whole last three minutes you've been flapping your pie hole nonstop. Please. Zip it. Shove something in your mouth to keep it from talking -- and no, I don't really care what you use.
In a bathroom somewhere, Valerie primps and she tells us that they're going out dancing, and that it's better to go in a group and they can all hang out with each others' dates as well as their own. So we're in the "Barefoot Iguana Disco," and the ladies and their boy hos dance. Dancing. Dancing. Jon says that things are getting loose. Mandy says that, for the first time, she saw Valerie "cut loose" and kick off her Sunday shoes. Dancing. Dancing. Drinking. Shannon quickly loses Dano and talks to Tom. She tells us what a great person Tom is, and how, honestly, she'd love to date him. , Tom tells us that there is something about each woman that he loves, and that Shannon has many great qualities, but "in an environment like that" he was focused on Mandy. I don't understand what he means. Maybe he means that, since she's a stripper, Mandy was most at home in an place where people drink and dance.
My eyes fall out of my sockets as we are taken to the "Boatyard Night Club" and I'm forced to watch Andy dancing. It's sad and painful -- for me, for Andy, for his date, for the floor beneath him, and for America. Andy bitches that his date with Venus was horrible. Venus then wins my undying love and devotion by saying that there is no way she would date "Pansy Andy." Pansy Andy. So fucked up and so right at the same time. She's my Venus, she's my fire. Andy goes on to say that there's really "only one girl...only one option": Megan. Now Billy, wearing a shirt with cut-off sleeves and a Ren McCormick tie, tells us that the reason he'd back off from Megan is because he feels more chemistry with Vanessa, and because Andy likes her so much. Drinking. Drinking. Dancing.
Back to the Iguana club, where Mandy, her hair in an exact replica of Medusa's, does some dramatic dancing with Tom. She tells us she thinks that if Billy was out of the picture, she could, indeed, date Tom. She dances pretty well, if very funky and scary, at one point whirling her hair around in a circle like a pinwheel, and at another point forcibly pushing Tom's head down her body. She says that if the opportunity comes up to kiss Tom -- whore make-up melting in the sun -- she hopes Tom would be able to put Billy out of his mind as she already has. Ouch. Should we even bother at this point? Poor Billy. Lucky me: commercials.
Night Island Prettiness, panning down to Bonfire. The then-there-were-three guys take their places as Mark L. Walberg tells them that it's now going to get "more serious." Billy rolls his eyes in derision. Hee. Billy then remembers that he's supposed to be acting nervous, so he does. Mark L. Walberg then bring up the fact that, last time, they talked about getting rid of the blocks. He says that if they decide to get rid of the blocks for their girlfriends, he'll then bring it up to the ladies and see if they also want to get rid of them for the guys; the risk would be that the girls could say no, and they would have already gotten rid of the boy-blocks for them. (Hey, remember how MasseurSean was the shit earlier on? Yeah, I barely do too.) The Music of My Loose Filling plays as the guys discuss it. Billy and Kaya want to get rid of them, but Andy argues that Shannon would read something bad into it, adding that the dates are just going to get more intense; obviously what's happening here is that he knows Kaya would then be able to date Megan, and he doesn't want that to happen. Andy gives a wimpy little look, and then reluctantly gives the "toss-them" sign. So if the girls agree, Billy can date Carla, Kaya can date Megan, and Andy can date Elizabeth; when Mark L. Walberg says this, Andy laughs bitterly, knowing that he only cares about Megan. B-O-O H-O-O.
Videotapes. After boys' choice and then girls' choice, this time it's individual choice. Therefore, if Kaya chooses not to watch Valerie's tape, she can still watch his, etc. As Mark L. Walberg explains this, Kaya keeps pumping his fist and giving the thumbs-up sign. He's very excited about personal choice. Meanwhile, Billy is doing his huffing and puffing my-girlfriend's-a-ho routine. Mark L. Walberg explains that these tapes are going to be footage from the time between dates, when everyone is just hanging around, because temptations happen then, too. The guys nod and sweat and shine as Mark L. Walberg reads off the "names" of the three tapes, which I'm sure he came up with himself. They are, "Jacuzzi Jump," "Flesh Parade" (pathetically Mark L. Walberg looks to the boys for approval, laughing at his own funny-funny,) and "Make Him Do Anything I Want." Billy hopes the last one is not his; Mark L. Walberg explains that there could be a bit of each girl on each tape.
Kaya goes first, and tells Mark L. Walberg, with a smile, to shuffle them. He gets "Flesh Parade." Though the list of Thing That Are Retarded About This is huge, foremost is the fact that having each guy pick means nothing, because they all watch all of them. I guess one could refuse, but naturally that's not going to happen. "Flesh Parade" begins and we see scenes from when the drunk girls had the boys parade in front of them and give their mostly naked pitches not to get the boot. We see MasseurSean drop towel. Worth noting is how closely Kaya is scrutinizing the display. The girls scream. Billy and Kaya exchange a meaningful look. Billy says, "Painless," when it is over. Mark L. Walberg pricks, "So far." Hey, what's the name of the show-within-the-show on Home Improvement?" Oh yeah: Tool Time. Andy says that the girls did really seem to like it, and Billy responds that it's "just good, clean fun." Ooh, he's trying to be such a brave l'il soldier here, it's fairly endearing. However, after watching Mandy suckling at Johnny's teat last week, I'm sure this is easy to endure by comparison.
Mark L. Walberg laughs again at his clever randiness as he read the titles again. For some reason, Billy wants Andy to pick the "worst" of the two titles, "Make Him Do Anything I Want," which he does. The way Billy makes this request and then bangs his head against Andy's shoulder as the tape starts and gnashes his teeth leads me to believe that Billy really needs this pain. Part of the drama of going out with Mandy is this -- it is an important dynamic of their relationship and a masochistic part of him needs to see this kind of stuff to make him feel alive. It hurts so good. The tape begins and Shannon is cuddling with MasseurSean in the hot tub. Andy says, "Man, that guy is such a chump." Takes one. Know one. Shannon is drunkenly hanging on Sean. Billy says, "Not so funny anymore," glancing at Andy. Mark L. Walberg faux-innocently asks what was on the tape (though I'm sure Fox makes him edit the shit himself while everyone else is out getting blitzed); Andy says that tape was aimed for him.
The Xylophone of Mandy's Slutosity plays as they begin watching the final tape, "Jacuzzi Jump." The tape begins, and Valerie is perched on the edge of the hot tub with Charlie. Everyone is chanting their names, and Andy is talking to the screen, telling Valerie to keep her clothes on and be a good girl. Kaya would be talking, too, but he forgets for a second to care while he's busy wondering if Charlie's shirt is coming of. "My girlfriend is hammered," says Andy as we catch a glimpse of Shannon. Valerie doesn't end up taking her clothes off, and just jumps in the tub with Charlie. The tape ends and the guys all pshaw, saying, "Harmless." Mark L. Walberg is mad that he couldn't have come up with better shit and says, "So it doesn't worry you?" and then chummily babbles about how the guys want the girls to have a good time, and they are. Then he looks up meaningfully and accusatorily says, "Well, aren't you?" Uh, yeah, sure, say the guys. Ha. "Cool," replies Mark L. Walberg. In retaliation for the failure of all his efforts to rattle the guys, and the fact that they all hate him so much, Mark L. Walberg says that they're not going to be allowed to leave tapes for their girls this time. He adds that they have one more date the following day and then a "really special," "romantic," and "intimate" final date which will be a "late-night date," and which they can only go on with someone they have already dated. Blank looks. Blank looks. Mark L. Walberg solemnly says, "All right," and ends the bonfire in a huff. Andy tells us that he hates Sean, and then Billy blahs about how when you're confronted with stuff like this, you can blow it off or you can let it "bury you inside." Dramatic music! Commercial.
Schmonfire. The ladies approach, Mandy's hair still in the Medusa-Do that the kids love so much these days. Mark L. Walberg tells them that they look nervous and then, remembering that he needs to address someone in particular in order not to be ignored, asks Valerie if she's nervous. She responds that coming to Bonfire makes her nervous. "I don't wanna make you nervous," lies Mark L. Walberg. "But I have a lot of business to take care of tonight." He starts by telling the girls that the guys have elected to lift the blocks for the ladies. The ladies look surprised and dubious as he says that he's presenting them a "challenge" to, in turn, lift the blocks for the "fellas" -- what, is he in a forties musical? He continues his Walberg-speak by saying that he's going to "let [them] sit with that" for a minute and then vote, majority ruling. The girls discuss, wondering how many dates are even left. They say that they're not nervous, and Mandy says something that sounds like, "I want to make Billy nervous." You already do, honey. They decide to remove the blocks, and Mark L. Walberg happily responds, "We're going to a new level now!" When Mark L. Walberg wonders if they decided unanimously, Mandy butchers the word, responding, "Unaminous!" Missus Mandy drinks a little. She laughs a whore's laugh as Mark L. Walberg moves on to the tapes. He explains that the off-hours fun is the good stuff, and that they have three tapes of "late-night fun." Mark L. Walberg reads off the titles as the girls look on, unimpressed and unamused. The titles are, "Sex Advice," "Striptease," and "Hammock Ride." Shannon is unsure, while the other girls want to watch. Valerie doesn't want to go first, and Shannon is feeling "peer pressure," and then Valerie says that she's not even sure she wants to watch them, and Shannon says, "Valerie, you're killing me." Shannon says that they should see "Sex Advice," because it will just be talking, and Mandy opens her mouth wide in horror but then understands Shannon's thinking and closes it again, for once. So Shannon sadly goes to watch "Sex Advice." She makes the girls crowd around, and they don't want to, and Mark L. Walberg chimes in, "Have you even considered that maybe it's not bad news on the tape?" -- his arms open wide in a show of submission. This is very funny: Mandy turns to him and snaps, "Just play the tape." Mandy says that she enjoys torturing herself to death, and tells Valerie that if she sees Kaya on the tape, she should turn away.
So the tape plays, and it's that scene from the bar after Billy saw the tape of Mandy gettin' jiggy with DreadJohnny. There is the talk of the "rodeo," and how Johnny is just doing his job, and that Billy is probably in Vanessa's cabana right now in retaliation, and the girls don't seem to understand what they're watching. Valerie seems to get it during the conversation, but then doesn't. We get a real close-up shot of Mandy watching; the tape ends and Mandy stands up. She tells the girls what it was -- that Billy saw her tape with Johnny and then probably went to the cabana of some girl he likes and "fucked her brains out." She pouts that she doesn't care, and the girls tell her that she should not see the tapes, then. She says that she just has to know. She looks like a wasp, I've realized. "I want to see another one," says Mandy, on a full-out psychotic dysfunctional roll. Commercial. Whoo. It's gettin', it's gettin', it's gettin' kinda hectic.
Bonfire continues as Mark L. Walberg asks Mandy which tape she wants to watch now. "Striptease," she says. She snaps that the girls have to watch, but they don't want to, but she doesn't care because it's all about Mandy Mandy Mandy. They wonder who is doing the striptease. Valerie says Andy is, and the girls laugh, but the tape comes on and we see that it's Billy. Billy is at the bar doing the dance from the other night after his Vanessa date, and Mandy seems to be enjoying it, getting the reassurance she needs that others find Billy sexy as the girl hos cheer him on and our ladies laugh and Billy takes his shirt off and rubs the napkin all over his Belize. "No, he's not," says Mandy, as Billy begins taking off his pants. The tape ends. Mandy is laughing hysterically, and she asks Mark L. Walberg if it's "Torture Mandy Night." He lies that it wasn't his intention to torture her. Mandy says that Billy "looked like trash" and "looked like a whore." She drops the biggest lie since "No New Taxes" and "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman" by saying that she doesn't think she's done anything to make herself look trashy. Except your hair, your makeup, your clothes, the kissing, the nipple-licking, and the one-hundred-seven semi-cheating things you've done in the past week. Mandy starts going off on how the other guys were telling Billy to "ride the cowboy," and that if Billy wants to go ruin a year and a half, then he should "go ahead." Do you think Mandy understands that it was her actions alone that drove him to do the relatively tame stuff he's doing, or is she completely mental? "It's all about choices, like we said," says Mark L. Walberg, trying so very hard to push forward some theme aside from the pure sleaze factor as a reason for the success of the show. No one is fooled.
Valerie agrees to watch the last tape, "Hammock Ride." The girls gather around and it's Andy and Megan lying in the hammock babbling about nothing while the camera looms in on Andy fondling her leg. Andy says that he has a great ass and the screen goes black. Valerie nicely gets up to hug Shannon as Mark L. Walberg asks what was on the tape. I really hate Mark L. Walberg. Have I said it enough? Yes? Well, too bad. Hate. Him. Shannon says that at least Andy was complimenting himself and not the girl, and Mandy says that she's ready to fight. Mark L. Walberg asks Shannon how it makes her feel to see the stuff on the tape, and he really doesn't need to ask -- he could just remember back to his own feelings each of the eleven times he's been dumped by women. Shannon bitches that her whole M.O. was to have a good time and not think about Andy, but now she has a visual and that's exactly why she didn't want to watch the tapes and it "pisses [her] off." Mandy lamely apologizes. I hope she feels terrible. I hope she feels like she just worked two whole sets and only did two lap-dances. Mark L. Walberg says that the girls know their boyfriends better than he does, and isn't this why they came on the show -- to be tempted and to ask the serious questions about their relationships and they won't necessarily want to hear that some of the answers to those questions and blah blah blah fuckyoucakes. Shannon repeats her "shut up," because it's not somewhere she wanted to go. "And now you're there," volleys Mark L. Walberg. He gets this Zen look on his face, because what might pass as reasonably good dialogue almost never comes from his mouth, but today he's on a roll, and how great is he? "Now we'll keep going somewhere else," he finishes, the triumphant wordsmith. Mark L. Walberg then explains that they won't be able to leave tapes tonight, and Mandy says, "Good, cuz he does not hear what I have to say." Mark L. Walberg explains about the "awesome" final date, and Shannon looks sick when she hears it's "late night." He then repeats some of his meaningless mantras about "sit with it" and "answer whatever questions you're having" and tells the girls that they're free to go. The girls instantly scatter like roaches in a Manhattan apartment when the lights comes on.
The girls stand on the beach all upset and talking about how if Kaya and Andy gave that kind of "rodeo" advice to Billy, what are they in turn going to do themselves? Mandy whispers to Valerie, and they walk farther away from the camera. Someone says, "I know they're going to show that clip of me!" and others whisper about how they wonder what tapes the boys saw and "think about how much we've done." So now Mandy starts ranting about what an idiot Billy looked like during his striptease (we see a clip of it after Mandy imitates him). Shannon wonders how often they have looked like idiots themselves, and Mandy pointlessly defends herself, saying that Billy never acts like that, so it's worse. She calls him a "stupid, drunk child," and says that it could end their relationship, and she doesn't even care. They walk on the dock and someone says, "What you don't see can't hurt you." Now they're on the boat and Mandy babbles as Valerie and Shannon look on with unsympathetic looks of pot/kettle. Mandy says that things she's done might have pissed Billy off, but...and she realizes she has no point whatsoever so she jumps off the boat and runs back onto the beach and into a restroom, sobbing. The cameraman catches up with her as she dabs her face and says, "God, I hate this!" She continues, "I hate him so much," as she presses her face into the doorjamb and weeps loudly. And...scene! It's over. Wow. That was...delusional and annoying and totally fucking enjoyable to watch. Love this show.
"week on Temptation Island"...Mandy is reeling from Billy's "antics" and we see the whole crying-on-the-dock shit. Mandy, her hair now in a modified Ten Buns of Ugly, only with the ends of each bun loose and flowing free -- and, if possible, even uglier than before -- says that she feels like she's about to throw away an amazing relationship. Vanessa and Billy kill butterflies by holding them on their stomachs as Mark L. Walberg's voice-over tells us that Billy is still upset by images of Mandy's dates, and he "zeros in on Vanessa." Vanessa then delusionally smoochies that she's become so close to Billy and that he is "a true love." She acts like a six-year-old with 32Cs. So the boy hos "move in" on our ladies and "open their minds to new temptations." Valerie says that the boy hos "only get better." Shannon hangs out with Tom a lot, and then tells us that she hasn't had a minute even to think about her boyfriend. Ha. Thank god. , we are told that Andy begins to worry about the future of his relationship. Andy tells us that he's getting "choked up" thinking about Shannon being really into Tom. Right. Andy looked more upset when they ran out of Red Stripe at the disco. The very shiny Kaya, his block now off with Megan, makes out with her on the dock. Ooh, shit! That's some good acting right there, Kaya. "And with the approach of the final dates, tensions mount and inhibitions are lost as the couples are forced to narrow the field to one." Swimming. Frolicking. Partial nudity. That's Temptation Island, folks! See you week.