So as I called it, Fox executives who cautiously only ordered six episodes of Temptation Island were, indeed, slamming their heads into the wall with frustration and thus figured out a way to squeeze more juice out of this runt of a fruit: they are expanding these -- the last two scheduled episodes -- into three. What does that mean for Fox? More ad revenue, as TI has grown to be one of the highest-rated shows of the season. What does it mean for you? One extra recap. Eight thousand more words of ill will and contempt thinly masking keen interest. What does it mean for me? These last episodes will have even more filler and nonsense to wade through. I can't tell yet if that's good or bad. I'll let you know. One thing it unfortunately might mean is more Mark L. Walberg, and really, increased ad revenue or no, that's no good for anyone.
Aw hell, look at that -- no intro this week. I guess they figured out that if we didn't know how the show worked by now, we were living in a cave. That, or they just didn't want me to be able to skate by three minutes of the show by just posting the same intro as the last four recaps. Either way: damn you Fox. (Oh, and damn you Fox for not making sure The $treet killed Thomas Everett Scott's career for good, as I just read he's been cast as the lead in a new hour-long on one of the other networks. Man, Fox. You really can't do anything right, can you?)
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Random shots. Belly licking. Island Prettiness. Mark L. Walberg's eczema-inducing voice-over begins. He tools that, last week, a shocking discovery was made -- that Yahtzee and Taheed have a kid. We see ProducerChris confronting them with the bust, and their not apologizing, but rather Yahtzee's smugly accepting their offer to put them up in another "location" to work on their relationship, saying that one can either run away or deal with the situation, and she chose to deal with the situation. That's like walking into a store, shooting someone in the head, and then, when you're in court, patting yourself on the back for being brave enough to be in court. Or having a kid and then shouting from the rooftop, "I take care of my baby." Or entering into an eleven-year fake marriage arranged by a wholly evil cult, and then having the courage to admit the marriage was a sham. Oh, I guess that last one doesn't really fit. So anyway, they show the kids making their selections for the triple date. On that date, Mandy and Tom swim and drink. Shannon tells us she really likes Tom. Mandy says Tom tests the boundaries for her. Mandy has boundaries in dating? What, like no anal before the salad course? So Mandy and Shannon both want some Tomcat. Mandy whore-dances all over Tom. Meanwhile, Andy and Kaya both dig them some Megan. (This time, we will simply assume that Kaya really digs Megan. Let's make the stretch. That Mandy is not a stripper, however, is a leap of faith I'm not prepared to make even for simplicity's sake.) Andy, whose third-degree facial sunburn has progressed to the point that he is about the color of Ice-T, and I ain't talking the drink. Schmonfires. Both the guys and girls decide to lose the "blocks," allowing their partners to date the most "temping" ho. Mark L. Walberg chumps, "We're going to a new level now!" They then watch the "after-hours" footage. Mandy says of Billy's striptease, "He looked like a whore." The Coconut of Irony immediately falls on Mandy's head. Once again, we see Kaya acting out his gay-rodeo fantasies. Mandy whine-stomps around, and then leaps out of the boat and cries in the bathroom. She tells us that if Billy wants to ruin their relationship, he should "be [her] guest." She weeps, "God I hate this. I hate it so much." Word, sister.
"Day 8. 30 Minutes After Girls' Bonfire." The girls get on the boat. I think this is part of the Fox "stretch." Mandy tells us once a-fucking-gain about watching the videotapes and how bad it made her feel. Shannon tells us that she "cautioned against it," and that seeing things out of context "kills you." Mandy bad-sound-edits that she feels like she's been dating a stranger, while we see Billy's striptease. She says that this could end their relationship, and she really wouldn't care right now. Valerie tells Mandy that she's scared, now, that Kaya also saw some disturbing footage and used it as fuel to get busy. But unless Billy or Andy were willing to "experiment," I don't really see what Kaya could do in way of...oh: Mark L. Walberg. The "X" factor on the island. Mandy, with the modified Ten Buns of Ugly, tells us that she's mad and feels like she's about to throw away her relationship. The only person she should really be mad at is her hairdresser.
"Moments After Guys' Bonfire." The guys walk on the beach. They talk about the footage where the boy hos paraded nearly naked in front of their ladies and made their pleas. Andy talks about MasseurSean with the opening of the towel and the pickle (glasses case, as it turns out) on his wiener. Andy calls him, "Mr. Massage Rub-A-Dub-Dub Therapy Guy" and says that he probably wasn't the only one showing his goods that night.
Now they're at a bar, all drinking with Megan, the girl everyone wants, this side's Tom. They tell her about the footage, saying that the ladies are getting wilder, and Andy says that he thinks it is Shannon doing the instigating; we, indeed, see shots of the drunk, hot-tubbing Shannon hanging on Sean and stirring shit up. Andy, wearing his chemo-looking bandana, tells us that from the tape he can tell that Shannon is now "going for it." He philosophically muses, "What's come of this is what's come of this." He says he's not going to dwell or pout, and that things happen for a reason, and that if it turns their relationship upside-down, that it will turn him upside-down but that, again, everything happens for a reason. Man, I've seen puddles with more depth, line-drawings with more dimensions. Swimming pool. Swimming pool.
Morning has broken. The Music of My Carpal Tunnel plays as we are treated to "Day 9." Island Prettiness. "Women's Resort." Mark L. Walberg sits the three ladies down on the beach and begins to babble nervously. He says that they have to boot another guy off, and that while earlier they had to go on first impressions, now they have had the chance to get to know the guys a bit more. He tools that, this time, the guys will come out one at a time and tell the ladies which of the three they like the best. Well, that's pretty mean, but effective and, yeah, I can't wait. Mark L. Walberg goes to sit on a bench behind them and immediately begins drinking water, nervous that he had to talk to the ladies because he's never been good at talking to girls, especially since during his first year as an intern at Dick Clark Productions he tried asking the receptionist out and she threw a scalding cup of coffee in his face, rendering his cheeks permanently puffy, and doing other lasting damage to his confidence. The ladies say "this is weird," as the first of the guys sits down. DreadJohnny picks Mandy because she is "beautiful"...well, and because she gave him a hummer after two shots of Absolut. MasseurSean picks Mandy. NormalTallJon says he likes Valerie's fine exterior and soft and warm interior. What, is she a Mrs. Field's cookie? GayAndOldLookingJim picks Valerie, smooth-talking his way into the hearts of ladies everywhere by saying, "You're a babe." Poor Shannon gulps and shakes her head. Aw, but SchlubCharlie picks Shannon! Good. is MotoDano. Shannon again! Mandy gives Shannon a jealous look. GoofyMatt picks Shannon, because they were "cutting a rug" the other night. Who?Evan picks Shannon, because "she's a partier." IcemanGreg says Shannon. Ha. Mandy is pissed now. Shannon "pffffts." Tomcat says that he doesn't know what to say. Mandy breathes, "This is so uncomfortable." Tom pauses, and then says that the first time he saw Shannon he thought she was so beautiful and that "getting to know [her] has been all of that." Uh, that "Ivy League" education didn't include classes in eloquence, I guess. He picks Shannon, and then slinks off, wondering if this means he can still sleep with Mandy. (Yeah, sure.) All the guys ask Tom who he picked, and then high-five him.
Mandy looks like she's about to cry, and not only because Mark L. Walberg comes back and sits in front of them. He holds the Necklace of Buh-Bye, blathering that they now know, "who is thinking about whom" and that they need to decide who to boot. The girls whisper inaudibly. We see shots of the boy hos. Some of them pray and cross their fingers, only semi-joking. The ladies decide. Valerie takes the necklace and heads to the boy hos. The Marimba of No One Likes You plays as Valerie says that this has to be done and to not be mad at the messenger. In a swift move, she busts over to MasseurSean and puts the Necklace of Buh-The-Fuck-Bye-Asshole around his bucket-headed skull and walks away. He pathetically raises the roof one last time, maybe thinking for a second that the necklace is a good thing. He smiles, lamely trying to save face as he slaps five with the other guys and says, "What's up with that?" Valerie tells us that she stayed away from Sean because he's really arrogant, and arrogance really turns her off. So do men with unambiguous sexuality. Sean tells his staying friends, "Let's hit it and split it." Dude, what? You're the only one who's splitting. He then chumps to us that Valerie has a bad aura. "I just don't know why she's here. She's just useless. The energy she has is just zero, none." He walks away saying, "Wow." He then lies, "I wanted to go anyway," and our last shot of the putz is him driving the speedboat himself, away from the island. I have to say I've been mostly impressed with the people our kids have booted, and the reasons why, so far. There's one good thing you can say about the kids. One.
"Men's Resort." The guys are sitting in ugly red chairs as Mark L. Walberg explains what's going to happen when the girl hos come out. Andy and Kaya make noises. Billy just stares as Mark L. Walberg lays down a justification that has perfect circular logic: "I think this will help you in the long run because if, in fact, you are in this to find out answers to stuff, now you're going to find out who likes you." "Hello, Mr. Walberg. Table for one. Will that be 'sense' or 'non'? Non. Right this way please." So our esteemed host tells the guys to pay attention and disappears. The ho-rade begins. Elizabeth, having thought long and hard about what she's going to say, rehearsing and rehearing again, says Billy, "because he gives the best amateur striptease I've ever seen." Tee hee. The guys laugh. comes DeliveranceLisa, who yodels, "My favorite one out of y'all right now is Billy." Andy laughs, "Nice!" trying to play off the fact that he knows he's in trouble here. EverybodyLovesMegan swings by and non-committally says, "Andy. We got off to a rocky start, but I appreciate the heart you've shown me, so that's cool." And then she walks away. Billy, fucking hilariously, asks the guys, for clarification purposes, who got the vote. Kaya says that she paid Andy a nice compliment, but....They all want Megan, but man, can't they give Andy a break? Let him take his little half-vote and be happy? (I hope they can't.) PerfectTenVanessa tramps up and says, "Billy it's you 'cause the way you make me feel." Billy pounds on his heart like he's just won the Pulitzer. Billy really is an actor, and not a very good one at that. is LaWonna. She picks Kaya because she thinks he's "in this world but not of this world." Yeah, the straight world. Kaya giggles as Andy tells him that it was a solid compliment. PeachPatti picks Kaya. My girl Britt, the ignored one, picks Billy, looking like she so doesn't care. Billy nods unenthusiastically. SeriousVenus picks Billy. Andy laughs because he's getting so dissed and it's going to be just like back when they were picking teams for kickball. "Doctor"Alison picks Kaya because she senses a "mutual attraction." I sense your keen ass angling for that final date. Kaya laughs, thinking about how little she truly knows. Andy says that he's "getting killed." He sets himself for embarrassment in front of the nation when he says that at least he can count on his "stronghold" Pinky (Carla). Carla says that it sucks that she has to pick just one, but she picks Billy. Andy says, "Ouch," as the other guys just laugh at him. I join them. That's some funny-ass shit. And it's over. No more girls.
Mark L. Walberg tells the guys they now have to pick one to boot. Andy says he'd like to send them all home because no one picked him. Carla pathetically yells, "Andy, I meant to pick you." Andy says that this will "not be a decision based on niceness today." They get together and start arguing with Kaya about their unnamed pick, saying that she's just trying to play up to him today and that he's overruled just as Taheed was. They decide. Kaya takes the Necklace of Buh-Bye over and walks down the pier. Vanessa, knowing in her heart of hearts that she's insanely annoying and has had the tendency to piss people off her whole life when she's not actually sleeping with them, looks down. He passes her by and gives it to Patti, Miss Georgia USA, 2000. Kaya apologizes and they hug. "You're outta here," says Billy, cruelly but hysterically. My girl Britt immediately turns to comfort Patti, touching her. Hmmm. Patti then tells us that being voted off is unlike anything. "It's so real," she adds, deeply. Holy shit, that's fucking funny. Kaya tells us that Patti made an effort with him, but that he shut her down a few times and so he feels bad. Billy, master of coldness, says that he booted her because she used "strong-arm tactics" to try to get dates; we see a shot of her babbling in his ear and he looking uninterested and annoyed. He's happy that they're going to get down to the three more crazy and adventurous girl hos, and then they'll see "what they do to [them]." She walks behind Billy, gargling water, and Billy makes a little "off with her head" motion to the camera. Hee. On the boat she gives a pageant wave. Billy barely raises his hand looking like Ed Harris and Amy Madigan refusing to clap for Elia Kazan. Only he doesn't sit on his hands. Billy tells his boys that he feels bad, but Patti will be happy in two days, and they'll be happy "now." I love how he takes his anger at Mandy out on women in general. He's clinically interesting, that boy. Kaya brings up Billy's being chosen by all the girls, which naturally leads to their reminding Andy how he got dissed -- especially by Carla. Andy smurfs to us that Carla came up to him afterwards and apologizes; we see this. He babbles something about the question being who you liked, not who you wanted, and she lies, "Oh!" and says that she walked away thinking she should have picked Andy because "he's so my favorite." She hugs him. Then -- and this is one of the best moments on the show -- she tells the camera crew a few minutes later, "But he's so not my favorite I don't even know what to do." Good girl. You know, just for that maybe I'll buy her band's album. Well...maybe I'll download a song on Napster. And...commecials.
You know what? I was going to see Hannibal, but now you've ruined it with the saturation. Leave me alone, MGM. Ooh, speaking of which. I heard a terribly off-color but Hollywood-insider-funny joke: How do you stop the spread of AIDS? Give it to MGM to distribute.
"Men's Resort. 8:30pm." Dark. Bar. Drinking. A drunk Andy is justifying the fuck outta himself by saying, "I didn't come here to win a popularity contest. I came here to have a good time." Mark L. Walberg steps up and asks to "borrow" the guys for a minute. It's now "4th Date Selection," and Andy incorrectly theorizes that their girls did not agree also to take of the "blocks" for them, as they strategically decided to do for the girls. Mark L. Walberg milks the moment, finally saying that they did decide to remove the blocks. Now they will decide their fourth dates and they draw straws to pick order. Andy is first. Mark L. Walberg reminds them they have to pick someone they've already dated for their last date, so they should use this time to put anyone they haven't dated into the mix. Or, they can just go ahead and pick someone they've already dated for this fourth date if the want to. Andy says, "You can recycle." It takes Mark L. Walberg a minute to get it, and then he laughs like a foppish dandy watching his hated father step on a piece of poo. Andy picks "a new flavor": Elizabeth, the girl ho who was blocked for him until now. He tells us that she's beautiful and has an incredible "reef" ass, "straight out of every surfing magazine you've ever looked at." Only two reactions: What? And. What? But man, there are so many "reef ass" jokes I could make right now...I'll leave them alone. Billy chews his gum and does some thinkin', and then announces that he's going to take Vanessa out again. As we see her touch herself for the camera, he stoner-ily tells us that he hasn't been too affectionate with her so far, but that there is a "natural progression" over time. Mark L. Walberg asks Kaya, "Still deciding?" Kaya tells us that he has a difficult decision to make. He finally picks Megan, and Andy throws back his head in pain. Kaya tells us that Andy, in some ways, "fell in love with Megan." He goes on that he threw away "rational [sic]...rationalization and accountability" and just went for it.
The ladies. Mark L. Walberg arrives to see stray dogs (where do they all come from?) and then the ladies sitting around with war paint on, drunkenly dancing with the boy hos. Mandy gives a whore's scream. Dancing. Drunkenness. "These guys only get better." Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. "Look at this!" laughs Mark L. Walberg, his arms wide open again in his usual meek stance of supplication, once again alone and ignored while everyone parties and has a good time around him. Just like college. More hugs. More Mandy dancing. Hugs. Hugs. Mark L. Walberg asks to borrow the ladies. He does. So the ladies sit, and Mark L. Walberg goes through the blah blah. Valerie looks at him, incredibly drunk, with a smile, as if any minute she's going to say, "Man, you are really funny-looking." They draw straws as The Music Of My Bloodshot Eyes plays. Valerie tells us that she was going to ask Tom out, and what an incredible guy he is. Shannon also tells us that she's here to be honest -- that she likes Tom. Mandy, wearing the modified Ten Buns of Ugly, tells us that Tom is the perfect guy. Shannon says it was hard for the girls to decide who gets who. Mandy is first. She stares at Shannon and then says she's going to ask out Matt. Mark L. Walberg actually says that Matt is a "cutie." Mandy laughs. I vomit, then laugh, then vomit again. Valerie picks Evan. Black guy. Mark L. Walberg whispers sensually that Evan hasn't been on a date yet and that he is a "sweet guy." This time my cat vomits. Mark L. Walberg asks what Shannon would like to do, and Mandy says, "Who would you like to do? Tom." Laughs. Shannon, indeed, picks Tom. At this point my Iranian neighbors start playing The Worst Music In The World at volume eleven. Welcome to my hell. Friday night. Temptation Island. Iranian pop music. Helicopters flying over looking for a killer. It's freezing cold in my apartment and the party I'm going to later is about forty-five minutes away. It's my recap and I'll cry if I want to. ["Yeah, because sitting here on a Sunday afternoon with Dirty Dancing on TBS and putting it up is so much better for me." -- Wing Chun] Valerie says that she gave Tom up as her choice because there is something between Shannon and Tomcat, and she doesn't know how far it's going to go and blah blah blah commercialcakes.
"Day 10." Island Prettiness. Andy wears a Speedo. Andy wears a Speedo. Andy wears a fucking Speedo, people. He shows up in Elizabeth's cabana and jumps on a bed full o' girls. Kill me. Shannon asks Tom if he wants to go jump off some waterfalls. Just don't go chasing them. He says that would be "awesome," and then she rubs her titties all over him. Valerie shows up at Evan's. Kaya at Megan's. Matt and Mandy hug. Billy asks Vanessa to go to the ruins and she says, "You rule," and then jumps up and down. They're doing some weird ask-your-date-out schtick, and I don't like it one bit. I think this is part of the "stretch the show into another episode" deal.
"Billy and Mandy's Fourth Dates." Billy and Vanessa go to some ruins. Billy tells us he thinks the naked model is the most beautiful of the girl hos. (I think she looks like an even more manly Sheryl Crow, but who am I to judge?) She buys him a heart necklace. She tells us that she bought the necklace and it's his forever and she speaks as if she always has a cold, which was kinda hot when we were five, but not anymore. Mandy tells us that she's long wanted to ask Matt out, and that he's fun-loving and sexy and is the kind of guy that she would date. They're on a boat. "Oh, I'm so happy!" shrieks the rode-hard-and-put-away-wet Mandy. She sits on the front of a moving boat. "I'm the whore of the world!"
"Andy and Shannon's Fourth Dates." Andy and Elizabeth ride horses. She tells us that she was impressed with Andy because he asked her to "gallop," and she said yes. We see them gallop. "Impressive." I'll remember that move time. Poor deluded Andy then says that she is attracted to him physically and he is to her. Bad Andy. Now Shannon and Tom. Tom makes a Tarzan joke as they walk through the jungle. She pretends to be amused, reminding herself, "Ivy League Graduate. Ivy League Graduate." I do have to acknowledge one thing that Fox is doing very well here. Every time we see a ho, we get his or her age and name and occupation once again. Good show. Well, not good show, but good show. Shannon tells us something about "butterflies," and Tom says that Shannon has tons of great attributes. They inner-tube through a cave, and it's the first date that I think looks really fun. Well, aside from the one where native women rubbed mud all over their naked bodies. Okay, and the one where the girl licked the boy's nipple. Anyway, Shannon lies that Andy has lots of great qualities, and so does Tom. At this point, she says, she really can't see anything one guy has over the other. Well, as Tom gets out of the water, we can see that "chiseled abs" could be on that list. So could "weasily little self," but on the other list.
Meanwhile, Matt and Mandy stand on the boat, watching the sharks from the episode. Mandy shrieks, "No way, dude!" and hugs Matt. She says that she's not getting in the water, but then she does. The fairly obviously gay Matt (I know, I'm making another assumption here, but, c'mon) tells us what a great time they had, and we see him bite her leg underwater. She tells us that after seeing Billy's tape, she was so upset, and that Matt told her, "Billy's a kook," and that's all she wanted to hear.
Back to Vanessa and Billy. They climb a ruin as Vanessa whores to us that Billy is great and they have so much in common and "he's a true love." I don't know what she means. they go to a Butterfly Farm and she grabs a butterfly and rubs up across her titties saying, "Oh God." Seriously, aside from the fact that she's killing the poor thing, I find her about as sexy as I find Janice from The Muppet Show, and she looks a lot like Janice, what with the bandana and the man-lips. Billy looks nonplussed as she holds the butterfly on his stomach. He's finally starting to annoy me as he says that she made it clear she wants to get down get down, but he doesn't know, and should he, and maybe, and shut up, Billy. They look in the camera on the plane and she kisses him on the cheek, hiding the extreme naughtiness with her hair.
"Kaya and Valerie's Fourth Dates." More ruins. Valerie tells us that Evan is laid-back and that she felt like a mellow date. She goes on to say that she thinks Evan is a nice guy, but eventually, once again, she just didn't want to be there. "I just can't fake it," she says. Well, that makes one girl I know. (Terrible. I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.) She says that she wants to be doing those things with Kaya, not with some other guy. , we see Kaya and Megan (the school teacher) on a boat. She tells us that she likes Kaya the most and feels a connection with Kaya on "many different levels." Yeah, uh, you both look for the same thing in a mate: a cock. Kaya, his face as shiny as always, tells us that things started to get good on the date underwater when a big stingray (we see this) went by and they held hands and it was an "interesting sense of intimacy." Ha. Right. I bet it was "interesting," Kaya.
Now Andy and Elizabeth. They stand in the jungle as a leopard sits in a tree above them. Please, eat him, Mr. Leopard. Please. Elizabeth tells us -- either reading a script or revealing herself to be possibly the stupidest woman on the planet -- that Andy told her he may have to relocate and start a kayaking business in Belize, and she says that she would be willing to move there and they could live forever and "this dream would never have to end." Ooh, tell that story again, Elizabeth. That shit was poetic and riveting. Oh, and sad. Yeah. So now they're on a plane, and he wears his sad pirate bandana, and she rests her head on him. He tells us that he won't go on his last date with Elizabeth because he'd rather go with Megan. I guess the "dream" ends here. Now Shannon and Tom walk through night slummy streets and she tells us how Tom's eyes are "probing" and want to see what's in your soul. Suddenly it's daytime again, and they hug as she makes another one of those nothing statements about how she doesn't know if she should rock the boat of her relationship, but maybe that's why she's on Temptation Island to begin with.
Andy comes on and turnips that if Shannon would rather have Tom, and if she would be happier with Tom, then he'd let her go even though it would choke him up -- and, look, he's getting choked up right now. Bullshit. You'd marry Megan and move to Ohio with her today if she asked you. Well, no matter. You'll be dead from skin cancer of the nose in a few years anyway -- might as well have fun while you can.
Valerie and Evan are having a terrible time. Valerie tells us that she's secure with Kaya, and that she knows girls are attracted to him, but she thinks there "must be something coming out of him to show that he's committed to [her]." So here comes the big Edit of Uh, No, You're Wrong, as we see Kaya and Megan cuddling on a deck somewhere. They make sweet-talk, and he says he wasn't sure he was going to pick her and he wanted to and was nervous. He gays that Megan did everything right on the date, and the progression was natural and "led to a moment" and they decided to "screw it," and we see them begin to kiss. Kissing Montage. For me, Puking Montage. He blahs about how he wanted to be "true to this process" and see what happened when "a woman" got inside his head. Ha. Megan tells us that the "edge of her world" slipped away. They finish kissing. "Oh my god, trouble," Megan says to Kaya's shoulder. I see no trouble here...it's commercial time, folks. The only "trouble" is the fact that the Iranian neighbors are now playing some Backstreet Boys. I'm gone like Mark L. Walberg's career.
Kaya and Megan on a boat, holding each other. Kaya is a shiny happy person. He feys that he knows they stepped on people's toes and that there would be repercussions. Back on the island, they feel uncomfortable; they part oddly. Andy sits in a hammock, upset, watching them arrive and throwing the stink-eye everywhere. Megan sits and talks to him for half an hour, we are told, and then loses it. She gets up, Andy following, and says, "I can't help it! Andy, oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." So suddenly Andy is talking as if he and Megan have some big relationship (in addition, I guess, to the, you know, one he has with Shannon), saying that he and Megan have always been one-hundred percent honest with each other and that Megan explained about her feelings for Kaya and Andy. Megan then cries to us that she's "tried" to make the right decision. She weeps. I laugh. My cat chases an imaginary bug. We're all very involved in our own lives here. Night. Andy comes into Kaya's hut and talks to an in-bed Kaya. Interestingly, the shot is filmed from a stationary ceiling-cam, the other camera crew visible. Obviously, the real camera malfunctioned so they had to show this scene in a weird security-cam view. Andy says, "Oh my god, you should have come and told me. When were...were you gonna come and tell me before I...before I like, essentially picked her tomorrow? I look like a jackass; Megan looks like a whore." Fight! Fight! Oh, no, something worse -- Andy lies down in bed right to Kaya. They are almost spooning. Kaya then says stuff about how they both have girlfriends anyway, and he had to be true to his own feelings and la la la. Yeah, "true" to his feelings. Sure.
"Women's Resort. 9:21pm." Uh, good thing they are being so precise with the time. As if anyone is at home making like a Zapruder timeline of the events leading up the final dates on Temptation Island. Valerie. Naked boys. Dinner. Mark L. Walberg enters. People respond blankly the way people do to him as he says that he needs to interrupt for a moment. He tells the ladies that tomorrow they'll make their final date selections, and that immediately afterward, the other six boy hos will be sent home. Shock! "Oh my god," moans Shannon. "That's terrible." Mark L. Walberg goes on that they have a big decision and that they should chose wisely. Some of the boy hos mumble about having guessed it.
"Men's Resort. 9:45pm." Yes. Thank you. Alison swims topless -- pulling out the big guns, so to speak. Mark L. Walberg arrives, and the Fox execs dub in the sound of someone telling him to join the girl hos in the pool; he says that it looks like they're all having "good clean fun." People watch from the pool as Mark L. Walberg holds his wrists limply and announces the mass booting. Girl hos and Andy are shocked. Billy gives a stony look. Mark L. Walberg tells them that this is their last night to party as a group and to have fun and he should really go because everyone hates him even more now and yeah, okay, bye. Kaya tells us that he doesn't know if he should go with Megan or Alison. Alison calls to Kaya from the pool. The girls go into woo mode. Megan. Alison. Megan tells us that she and Andy had talked about going on the last date, but now, after the Kaya make-out thing, she doesn't know. Andy tells us how confused he is and caught up in this situation, and how terrible he's feeling. We hear an insane and pathetic cackle as the swimming Elizabeth says, to no one in particular, "C'mon. I just want everyone to have fun!" Sad girl, that one. Billy gives a wry smile. He tells us that finishing these last few days is "extremely difficult." He hammily puts his head in his hands and continues that he wants to go on the last date with Vanessa, but that he'd feel terrible if he ended up "hooking up" and Mandy didn't. Wow -- well, I imagine you really don't have to worry too much about that scenario, pal.
Cut of Irony as go to the girls' camp, where Mandy is -- yes, once again -- drunkenly dancing and whoring all over. She shrieks and dances and sluts around, telling us that she is starting to really like TallNormalJon, but that Matt is really funny and Tom is really "special." Valerie also says it's difficult, and that she'd most likely have to wait for the night's end to make a decision. Shannon is also having a hard time because the focus in now on one person, and that it changes the dynamic. Mandy agrees. She hugs Tom a bunch of times.
Boy camp. Kaya and Billy walks on the beach, and Billy tells us that the whole process has been "killing" him, and that he needs to get away and talk it out with Kaya. Montage of Billy. Shots of Mandy. Vanessa. Mandy. Kaya and Billy walking. Billy says, again, how hard this decision is once you've made a commitment. He goes on that "the big unknown" is whether or not Mandy is hooking up right now. More montage. Billy hangs his head, saying, "I'm losing my train of thought, with this light on me." He asks the camera crew to give him a moment because it is "important stuff" and has "nothing to do with the show." He goes on that he feels guilty even though he shouldn't. Walking. Billy turns around and tells the light and camera guys to turn off the stuff: "This does not concern the show; this is my life." The off-screen camera guy says, insanely smartly, "Actually, your life is the show right now." Lord. That's some deep shit for a cameraman on a shitting reality show. This sends Billy, and us, into a Dramatic Montage: Billy! Vanessa! Butterfly! Mandy! Billy! Mandy! Vanessa! Walking on the beach! Vanessa dancing! Mandy swimming! Mandy kissing Johnny! Billy clutching fist to heart at Bonfire. Vanessa. Mandy! Vanessa! Butterflies! Commercials! Pepto!
"Day 11." Island Prettiness. Andy takes Megan out on a kayaking trip. Meanwhile, Kaya, wearing hands-down the ugliest shirt I think I've ever seen, eats a big lunch with Billy. Kaya says that after this trip he's going to know what works "with [him] for women." Yes, well, women. Men are still one big swirly mystery. Billy -- who at this point I wish would just lighten the fuck up -- says that this starts their forty-eight hour countdown before they're reunited with their womens. "It's going to be an explosion of emotion," he says. He then stares into Kaya's eyes and takes a deep sip of his cherry-red Fanta soda. Kaya wonders where Andy is, and Billy says he thinks he knows. Kaya then voice-overs about how Andy fell in love with Megan, and that Megan now -- as we see her and Andy kayaking -- doesn't know what's going to happen with the final date since Kaya didn't have a chance to talk to her.
Men's side. "Final Date Selection." The girl hos slut down the beach and line up in front of the guys. It's demeaning how cattle-like that action is. Anyway, Mark L. Walberg says that the guys are going to chose who they want to spent their final date with, and the other six will go home. Sad looks. "Sad" look. We're starting with Kaya. Mark L. Walberg has the three girl hos he dated step forward: Alison, LaWonna, and Megan. Megan smiles and tartily winks, but then I realize she's just squinting from the sun. Kaya tells us that he didn't know and felt sick to his stomach and something about how he's let it ride on all his dates to the very end. So Kaya walks forward holding a bouquet of flowers...and walks...and Megan...and walks...and Andy...and Alison...and Kaya walking...and Jesus Christ stop it with the montage. Okay, Kaya picks Alison. Billy tells us that he thought that, after Kaya made out with Megan, she was a shoe-in. Megan looks down at the sand. Alison stands behind the now-seated Kaya like she's his property. Andy smiles, his girl still free. Kaya says that he likes Megan, but that Alison is the perfect girl for him, and that she has everything he looks for in a woman. He's always always throwing in that disclaimer, y'all. I'm not making it up. As he says that Alison has everything, the camera pans up to her titties. Well, okay, yeah. So now it's Andy's turn. Carla, Elizabeth, Venus, and Megan step forward. Andy smiles. Billy sips water. Carla smiles. Elizabeth smiles. Elizabeth gets the flowers. Megan looks down once again. Dissed again. Elizabeth, in her seven-year-old voice, brilliantly deduces that she thought Andy was going to take out Megan, and she's surprised it's her. Andy tells us that he thought he was going to take Megan, and that Megan thought she was going, but that he chose Elizabeth because she touched him on a physical level while Megan touched him on an emotional level. Shut up, turnip. is Billy. Lisa. Vanessa. Megan. They step forward. Megan is going for the dis hat trick. And she gets it! Billy walks to Ho-nessa. Lisa jumps up and down and applauds like she won. Maybe she just ran out of smokes and needs to get back to the States pronto to buy a carton. Andy laughs. Kaya looks confused. Megan looks down. Kaya sad. Vanessa happy. Lisa jonesing. Billy sits. Billy tells us that he's gotten close to Vanessa: "She gets as excited as I do about different stuff, if not more." Billy says this with perhaps the least "excited" look I've ever seen on a human face. Mark L. Walberg tools about how the dates were picked after having spent time together. The last date, he says, will be a "dream" date, very much misusing the word. The date will be "intimate" and "beautiful" and "spectacular." Alison gives a "yeah right" laugh, wondering what she's going to do for sex while she's on this "dream" date with Kaya. So Megan starts telling us that she knew she wouldn't be picked because she'd grown too close to the three guys and she knew "everything" about them. How does a schoolteacher know everything about three guys after knowing them for less than two weeks? I still don't know everything about my cat, and I've known her throughout whole life and she's, you know, just a cat. "And you never will," says my cat. Megan goes on to say that she could have only gone on the final date with Kaya, and we see a sepia shot of them on the boat. Now Megan starts bawling and asks the camera crew for a minute. You know, how about we just cut away from you for good instead? Smell you later.
"Women's Resort." Island Prettiness. "Final Date Selection." Mark L. Walberg sits in front of the ladies. Mark L. Walberg tells them that Mandy is asking their permission to pick someone she hasn't dated. Valerie looks shocked. Suddenly I see why: Mandy's hair is in the Modified Ten Buns of Ugly with the limp Medusa locks coming from inside the buns like little snakes dancing out of baskets. Don't look directly at her! Mandy explains that she's talking about a guy on their triple date, so she did get to hang out with him while on a date. Shannon and Valerie are okay with it. Valerie barely nods. Man, she hates Mandy. Join the club forming in a city near you. They start with Shannon. Her four guys step forward in a needlessly dramatic slo-mo. One of them is Tom, and suddenly we get a huge superimposed shot of Andy's cancer-face saying that if Shannon likes Tom better, that would make him sad, but so be it. So be commercials.
Whoa. I guess that's it. Yup, this is part of the stretch. So, to contend with the Grammies, I think we're taking a week off before the last two episodes. Voice-over, which is thankfully not Mark L. Walberg's, "Starting two weeks from tonight, the last two episodes of Temptation Island will blow you away!" Man, it sounds like an ER promo. Well, if they said something like, "After week, nothing will be the same!" or "Everything you thought you knew will change!" The voice-over continues as we get shots of the kids on their dates, and then looking sad and Andy frustrated and Valerie sad and lightning and thunder: "The island explodes with raw emotion as the couples begin to feel the pressure of the final days!" As we get a silhouetted shot of Kaya kissing someone who may be Alison or someone from the grip department, Valerie cries to us that now she has to have a visual of who he's spending the last few days with. "The girls narrow the field to one, selecting the single man who tempts them the most...sending the rest of the guys...packing." We see the girls choosing, but luckily they don't show us the guys they pick. They do show Johnny praying and Tom hoping they don't pull a Megan on him and send him home. Date montage. Shannon laughing. Andy hugging Elizabeth. Alison and Kaya spelunking. No, really. "Passions spark when the six new couples explore the most remote parts of Temptation Island on their most intimate and exotic dates yet." Someone whispers to a practically masturbating Megan, "You are a very sexy girl." She purrs, "Thank you." Vanessa and Billy lie in a bed. A "couple" kiss behind some netting. Elizabeth rubs fruit on her neck as Andy prepares to lick it off.
Hey, it's Taheed and Yahtzee! They're in a boat drinking fruity drinks. "Yahtzee and Taheed try to mend their relationship, but tempers flare and anger erupts." She's surprised that he kissed "Alabama" (Lisa), and she asks whether tongue was involved. They are the first couple, then, to decide the future of their relationship. They sit down in front of Mark L. Walberg, who says, "I'm going to ask you for a decision on what you're going to do." Um, how does the tool-boy have the authority to make a couple decide their relationship in front of him? Hit him, Yahtzee! Man, this is never going to end. "And finally, it's time for the powerful conclusion of the couples' journey into temptation. They are reunited at Bonfire where they confront each other, and one of the most important decisions of their lives." Schmonfire. Shot of the couples sitting. Sitting. Listening. Sad. Sad listening. Staring. Sad staring. Billy rubs his head in "anguish" for the four-hundred-and-fifteenth time. Mark L. Walberg leans into them all, his "career" nearly coming to an end, desperately wondering if he's going to end up living out his career doing the radio morning drive slot in Carson City, Nevada or if somehow he can get Kinnear on our asses parlay this nothing-to-do-with-him success into an acting career, and says, "Now's your chance to end this journey by speaking what's in your heart." Okay, from my heart. Mark L. Walberg, you're a tool.