Hey kids. Look. Look at the ratings! We're a hit. They love us! They love us -- Oops. Survivor just premiered. It did what? Oh. Shit. Well...um. Hey, at least we're still beating the crap out of The Mole. Yeah, whatever...Mole.
So, we get the two-minute-long intro now, once again. Man, the goddamn Declaration of Independence doesn't have as much preamble as this shit. Well, it's exactly the same thing as last week, so here it is again: "These four couples have embarked on an incredible journey. Although they're in committed relationships...blah...test their devotion...blah...'have I found the one, or is there someone better out there for me?'...blah...They were separated from their mates and sent to opposite ends of the island...blah...twenty-six singles...blah...in search of romance. For two weeks they will mix, mingle, and date...blah...the least compatible singles will be voted off the island...blah...after each date they will confront their emotions at Bonfire...blah...videotape of their partner's experiences on the other side of the island...blah...each will narrow the field to one with whom they will share an exotic final date...blah...reunite on the last night of their journey to confess their experience to each other and decide the fate of their relationship...blah...find out as these four couples embark on a once in a lifetime journey here on Temptation Island." During that epic fucking monologue, we get a fucking tsunami of images. Shots of the couples with their length of relationship posted. A shot of Billy with hair. Shot of final dinner. Meeting the singles at the swimming pool. Horseback riding. Hot tubbing. A butterfly being held on someone's stomach -- mostly likely then killing the butterfly in the process. Hot tub. More date montage. Andy is tempted. Blonde girl ho jumping on Billy. Kaya cuddling (with a girl, shockingly enough.) Girl bonfire. Mandy crying. Boy bonfire. Billy slamming his head into Andy's shoulder in pain and jealousy. Kaya kissing someone. Shannon on DreadBoy's lap. Hick blonde girl ho and Taheed snuggling. Valerie and Kaya together. Billy and Mandy. Billy sad. Shannon and Andy. Andy sad. Billy. Taheed. Yahtzee. Mandy having taken her hair out of the terrible mistake that was the Ten Buns of Ugly. Kaya all shiny. Mark L. Walberg on the beach. His arms wide open. Welcome to this place. He'll show us everything. Beach. Swirly beach. Helicopter-shot swirly beach. Logo!
I just read today in the trades that Mark L. Walberg has signed a deal to develop a new ho-based game/reality show with Dick Clark Productions, which has something to do with single people trading phone numbers and going out on dates, and either Dick Clark's handlers are just as old as his shriveling ass is or the idea is just plain stupid, because the press-release description of the concept is as hazy as Gary Busey's memory of the period between 1982 and 1999. (Speaking of Dick Clark, how funny was he on the Golden Globes, y'all? Just crazy angry at Liz Taylor for being so senile. It was like watching two rest-home denizens fighting over the last Jell-O Pop at social hour.) Anyhoo, Mark L. Walberg is a smart smart man all striking while the iron is hot and shit. I also hear he's been hosting Talk Soup this week, but I don't think I could handle seeing a minute more of his fawning ass than I have to each week. (I'm still trying to get over the wretched memory of Hal Sparks.) Believe me. I even threw away my VHS copy of Three Kings last night just because Marky Mark is in it.
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Hos swimming. Hos walking. The kids go on their first dates. Mark L. Walberg tells us that Kaya and Taheed "face their first temptations," the word usage again making no sense. They need to stop working that word into things where it doesn't fit -- it's giving me the rickets. Alison in her bikini. Lord, have mercy. Yahtzee on her shit date with Sean. I know her comments to him are all cut up and out of context, but, uh...damn, she's a bitch. The Girl Ho Dinner. The hos "lay down a shocking challenge." Ha. "Shocking." They put in money to see who will hook up with a Temptee first. Yeah, Fox had nothing to do with that bet. Bad Editing is served along with their swordfish, apparently. "Oh my gosh!" yells the blonde porn-star-looking girl ho. Meanwhile, our ladies dish about rumors that the girl hos are all over their men. We gets shots of the girl hos all over their men. Valerie says that if Kaya does anything to throw away what they have, "so be it." Yeah, it's easy to be all Zen and shit when you're a beard. (Oh, did I say that out loud? Oops.) We get shots of the girls making the boy hos plea to stay on the island. Sean is a tool. Now the first bonfire, where they watch the tapes. Taheed is happy watching Yahtzee's shit date. Mandy cry/sulks, not wanting any woman to have a good time with Billy. She'd rather Billy pine and worry while she's out hoing all over the island. Suddenly I'm a tiny bit scared that Mandy is going to become a de-facto feminist pop icon for turning the tables on the usual stereotypical gender roles in dysfunctional relationships based on mistrust. Dammit, Mandy! Take yourself and your Ten Buns of Ugly hairdo back to Atlanta on the Greyhound.
So the girls return from the bonfire ritual to find -- as the girl hos were when the guys first left their girlfriends -- the boy hos waiting to console them and party. Drinking. Drinking. Hugging. Naked hugging. "Day 4." Sad. Shannon tells us that the boy hos "read [their] moods." Mandy cries. Mandy tells us that she was sad and needed to have the guys to escape to. Valerie agrees. Crazy Editing of Horniness as the ladies swim with the boy hos and hot tub and drink. Yahtzee jumps into the hot tub with boys. Shannon wears white, which is great hot tub shirt-wear in my humble fashion opinion. Mandy's shoulders are licked and kissed by DreadBoy Johnny. DreadBoy tells us, his big nose filling our screen, that Billy is a lucky man and that Mandy is very sweet and she deserves happiness. "I would like to give it to her," he says. I'm sure he would. Get in line...behind half of Belize and most of the state of Georgia. Mandy dances in the hot tub. Everyone now runs into the ocean. The Music of My Sad Sad Recapping Friday Night plays as Valerie yells to the boys that the last one in the ocean will be voted off. Sean tells us that the "girls" are great. He lays down his masseur knowledge on us: "I think the guys definitely want to hook up." No! No. Ya think? Single horny guys dumb or vain enough to appear on this show would want to get some booty and make themselves stars in the process? Thanks, Sean. Now go drown yourself, please. IcemanGreg, looking like Jack Wagner, thinks there is a possibility that a few of "these guys" could make something happen. Kaya would like to make something happen with a few of "these guys." Now boys carry the wet girls back to the huts. The music continues. The drunk-as-usual Mandy in her Lost Little Girl voice tells us, being carried by a man, that right now she's in heaven, but that tomorrow she'll be in hell. No, my Ouija board says she won't be in hell for at least forty years, but after that: look out, girlfriend. Fade to black...
Morning. "Day 5." Beach. (Where else?) Tom Hanks talks to a volleyball and then does some amateur dentistry on himself with an ice skate. Oops, wrong tape. Ah, here we go. "Video Messages Arrive." It's windy. Shannon tells -- and shows -- us how this is done. The kids have to walk, one by one, out to a pier to look in a little box. The box may or may not contain a videotape, depending on whether or not their partners chose to make one. So Shannon is first. Shannon tells us that she would have "killed him" if he hadn't. She smiles. I briefly wonder on which planet is she "twenty-eight" years old. Man alive. My friend says that she just got a lot of sun. What, did she take a trip to the surface of it? Anyway, Shannon -- for some reason that I will never figure out -- smiles upon seeing Andy. Oh, man. Her smile immediately disappears when he launches right into telling her about what a "fun" date he had and how much "fun" it was. Shannon's face falls, and then she tells us what Andy said and how she doesn't want to have a "mental picture" of Andy with his date. You know, if I have to have an actual picture of Andy all skeezily rubbing that girl ho's legs, she should at least have to have a mental picture of it. I mean, it's her fault his ass is on my damn show in the first place. (Yes, it is my show now -- you got something to say about it?) Andy then watches Shannon's tape, in which she tells him that she really does want to say one thing to him: "Don't focus on one." She smiles sadly, talking about the girl hos. Andy gives an unreadable look. Shannon tells us, "I hope he isn't separating from the group with a specific girl. I think he's capable of finding one in particular and going for it." Andy tools that he senses Shannon is nervous and she knows he's going to be having a good time with "plenty of ladies." He then unbelievably says that he'll do his best to spread himself thin. What a fucking tool. Really. At this point, I would be happy if Shannon fucked Mark goddamn L. fucking Walberg, instead of remaining faithful to this scummy little turnip.
Okay. So Valerie walks out onto the pier to see Kaya's tape. Kaya's hair is about three feet high as he tells her to remember what they talked about and that he hopes she's having fun and not limiting (he can't pronounce "limiting" for some reason) herself. Valerie tells us that what he said made her upset and it seems that he in turn must be doing a whole lot himself to say that and blah blah blah YeahRightYou'reJealouscakes. Kaya now watches. Valerie says that she's thinking of Kaya and that she loves him and can't wait to see him. Kaya cries. Hee. He looks like a Gelfling. Anyway, let's go for a second with the premise that they are truly a couple and are in love and don't have sex with members of the same gender. I think he's just...I'm sorry. I can't pretend that hard. Never mind. Kaya tearfully tells us that Valerie is "more devoted to [him]" (than what? -- "More" requires a comparative noun, dickface.) He cries. He "cries." My cat cries. I cry.
Mandy runs down the pier. The girl has spirit and moxie. "You've got moxie, kid." You can't deny it. And abs. Moxie and Abs -- the name of my album. She delights when she sees that Billy has indeed left a tape -- even though she "knew" he would make one. She smiles as Billy tells her that he hopes she didn't mind having to watch his first date tape and that he's having a "super" time. She frowns and tears up as he tells her to have as much fun as possible. Hmm. How unlike Billy. How generous...How stupid. It's Mandy, after all. He pretty much just told her to go bust a move. She ruins it by telling us that she's glad he told her to have a good time and that she feels better about having frolicked in the ocean with the boy hos. She knows, however, that he wouldn't want her to have "too" good a time. Now Billy, wearing a pirate's bandana on his head, gets to watch the Ten Buns of Uglied Mandy's tape. She apologizes for crying and then launches into what a great time she is having and how she's met such great people and they "laugh together and cry together." And frolic naked together, she left out. PirateBilly grabs his eyes in pain. Arggggggh! Yo ho ho and a bottle of ho.
Damn! The Music of My Trick Knee plays as we see Yahtzee walking down the pier, also wearing the pirate bandana but sporting the most amazing abs I've seen since I was forced to see the Disney live show at the El Capitan theatre in Hollywood -- Jasmine looked like she hadn't eaten a gram of fat since kindergarten. Anyway, Yahtzee is just as cut and she sits down in front of the little box. Opens. Looks. Empty. She gets up and walks away. Aw...sorta. I'd feel bad if she didn't seem so cold and distant and...well, scary. She tells us that she knew he wouldn't leave one, and that it's not in his character to do so; he wants her to "be as stressed as possible." Yeah, that relationship is solid as the fault lines under Kobe. So now Taheed, also wearing a bandana, but Tupac-style, walks out and finds an empty box. He tells us that it is her "vindictive nature" not to leave a message. Lord. He goes on that he thinks Yahtzee is assuming that he's cheating and so she's probably going to do something to retaliate: "That's just the way she is." Um, but don't we already know that he has cheated while she has not? So how is that...aw fuck it. Life is too short. So is Billy. Hee. Commercial.
So we're back as we get shots of Island Prettiness. Hos walking. Pan Flute playing. Shit. There's Mark L. Walberg. He welcomes both the couples and the hos to the swimming pool where they are all gathered as during the ho-troductions. I thought that the couples weren't going to see each other until the end, but I guess they just can't talk. So Mark L. Walberg tells us that we're going to do "Power Dating." Probably like Power Walking but without the crazy hip movements. I mean, unless it goes really well. So the hos are going to talk to the opposite-sex contestants one-by-one; the contestants will interview the hos for compatibility. We get shots of all the hos and the contestants while Mark L. Walberg blathers unnecessarily, as usual. Yahtzee has a big Band-Aid on her knee. I wonder how she got that. That seems more like something Mandy would have on her knee by now. So anyway, when a native woman sounds a rain stick, which is just about the most retarded thing on this show so far, the hos will move down a chair and la la blah. At the end, Mark L. Walberg will ask our kids for their top four choices of who they would like to go on their dates with. The catch here being that their mates will get a chance to watch them choose their "temptation." Dramatic Music plays as the rain stick sounds and they pipe in applause because no one is applauding because everyone hates Mark L. Walberg as they should. We begin.
Interview Montage time. Carla sits in front of Andy. Andy calls her "Sugar." She tells him her name unnecessarily, because by now she's proven herself to be by far the most obnoxious girl ho and who could help knowing who she is, with her pink hair and her Ways of Annoying. Andy calls her "eye candy." Shut up, Andy. A boy ho asks Yahtzee, "What choo got?" "What choo need," says Yahtzee. "I want a date with you," he says. I haven't heard dialogue this good since...well, since my cat meowed at me tonight when I confiscated her favorite sparkle ball after she wouldn't stop eating my fern. Tom macks on Shannon. Billy asks what will be his typical question to Lisa: "Which one of us do you like best?" "Yew, Billy!" she drawls with her smoker's voice. People switch. So many random shots my eyes start bleeding. Someone else tells PirateBilly they like him best. Poor insecure Billy. Mandy has Johnny sing her a song. He sings terribly, something that sounds like "Irie" over and over. She "Awwws." Tom tells Yahtzee he's a sucker for romance. Switch. I pass out from all the edits. When I come to, the spikey-haired boy ho is making dumb jokes to Valerie, and then he says he thinks he's funny. Think again. Billy asks his questions, and a girl ho replies, "Kaya." Ouch. He nods emptily. Some guy admits to Valerie that he has indeed cheated on a girlfriend. This is where you should lie, dickface. More switching. I get the noose ready. Lisa tells Taheed that she likes a boy who's funny and who "treats his mama real well." Obviously, not someone who knows grammar -- that just isn't important to her. Sean laughs to Mandy that he was banned from two girls, saying, "But Jeez, can't I get some?" Um...no. Andy asks Elizabeth if she believes in hooking up with someone who has a girlfriend. She says yes. Yeah, of course she does. Mark L. Walberg tells them that time is up. Damn. I need some Dramamine.
I guess the kids wrote their choices down because Mark L. Walberg has paper and he warns the couples not to try to communicate or signal to each other. We see a shot of my girl ho Britt, who naturally won't get picked because the show hates her. Mark L. Walberg announces that Yahtzee, Mandy, and Shannon all picked the same guy. The girls high-five each other as Andy says, "Oh, God." The boy is the rappin' Tom, Ivy-League Graduate. Tom has to make a choice. Shannon tells us that she knew they'd all have Tom on their lists. Mandy says that Tom is an ideal boyfriend. As he tries to choose, Billy whispers, "Careful, Tom." Ha. He chooses Yahtzee. The hos clap. (Ironic, people who probably have the Clap, clapping.) He heads over to stand behind Yahtzee; Taheed nods, because he couldn't care less about his girlfriend. Valerie's first and Mandy's second choices were both Matt -- the spikey-haired Public Relations Blah Blah Blah. "Wow," Kaya mutters. Matt chooses Valerie, probably because he's scared of PirateBilly. Kaya says that Mandy was shot down twice. "Works for me," smiles Billy. Mandy looks sad. Mandy gets her third choice, DreadBoy Johnny, who we see is a Singer and a Poet. A singer?! Yikes. I beg to differ. So does the entire recording industry, I'm sure. Billy chews on a Sharpie. Shannon's second choice is Entertainment Reporter, Charlie -- the Italian-speaking fool. Mark L. Walberg calls what they'll be doing, going on an "Adventure Date." What. Ever. He tells them to "chill" as he goes to the men.
Andy gets his first choice, "Carla-slash-Pinkie." Feel free. She jumps up and down and then into the pool. "This girl is guaranteed fun!" Andy says as people clap, and the obnoxious, needy Carla swims over to him. Carla hugs Andy. "Neat," says Shannon, snarkily. Mark L. Walberg says something about Shannon's never losing her smile as Shannon then tells us that the most obnoxious and aggressive girl just jumped on her boyfriend. Billy gets his first choice, Vanessa, the Perfect 10 Cover Girl. Yeah, she's "twenty-two." Well, she was once twenty-two. Mandy tells us that she's surprised how affectionate Billy has been with the girl hos. Ask. Receive. Now shut up. She says she almost "lost [her] lunch" when she saw them hug. Whatever. Kaya's date will be Heather, a Backup Singer. "Lucky girl, have your day...It will be your only day," says Valerie. "Call it out, Valerie. Mix it up, Baby!" says Mark L. Walberg. Give me a "T." Give me an "O." Give me another "O." Give me an "L." What does it spell? "Mark L. Walberg!" Taheed gets "Lisa-slash-Alabama," the smoker. "I have a better-looking blonde," says Yahtzee. Sad Yahtzee. Yahtzee sad. Mark L. Walberg excuses them, saying that he'll bring them their itineraries and that they should be safe and have fun, which aren't always both possible at the same time. The couples leave together. Johnny picks up Mandy, which makes Billy angry. Everyone points it out to Billy who stoically says, "Bad idea, right there." Billy tells us that it really pissed him off and that Mandy got herself carried just to get a rise out of him, which she did on the "inside" but not on the outside. Yeah, I'm sure she had no idea that he was hurting. We fade to commercials on Billy nodding sadly. Ha. Sob. Ha.
When Barbra Streisand says that her upcoming special will be her last television concert, is that a threat or a promise?
So the kids head out on their dates after some shots of some Island Prettiness. People heading out on boats. Okay. Andy and Shannon's Second Dates. Andy and Carla get into a plane. Andy tells us that his strategy is "screw the looks" and to pick the girl he thinks he'd have the most fun with. Oh, no he didn't! Thass cold. Ha. Carla says something about thinking Andy's a typical guy who wanted to be on an island with twelve beautiful women. Shannon and Charlie try on SCUBA gear as she tells us that Charlie is the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with for a day. (Read: not attracted to him.) Charlie says that Shannon has a "womanly" body. We see Shannon in a bikini. She's purty.
Taheed and Yahtzee's Second Dates. Yahtzee and Tom get onto a boat. Yahtzee tells us that she thinks Tom is sweet and genuine. Meanwhile, Taheed and Lisa drive somewhere as Taheed tells us that he picked Lisa for her personality because he knew he'd have a fun time with her. What's with all the thinly-veiled disses, yo? Lisa bounces up and down on a street somewhere, saying, "Right on!" Yeah, right.
Kaya and Valerie's Second Dates. Kaya and Heather are on a speed boat. "I love it here," blahs Heather. Yeah, and with Kaya there is no threat of anything happening, so she can totally relax. Kaya tells us that she thinks that Heather is different that the other girl hos and that he went on the date "in chipper spirits." Oh, come on! What kind of guy says "chipper"? Please. He says that he thought his date would be one of his best times on the island. Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Valerie and Matt hike. It looks terribly dull. Ah, but they're going to a Full-Body Mud Massage. Well, there you go. Valerie explains that she knew it would be a "pretty intimate date" and she knew Matt would be a "complete gentleman." Ah, dis again. A woman at the spa gives them disposable underwear, which is all they are to wear. Gross.
Now Mandy and Billy's Second Dates. Mandy and Johnny are at the same spa, and they laugh about their underwear. Johnny tells us that sometimes one has to be silly, and that Mandy is silly and he loves that. Mandy bends over to get out of her pants and the cameraman zooms in on her booty. Well, it is another name for pirate treasure. Johnny does something with the disposable underwear to make Mandy squeal and jump up and down. She calls him "immature," and then tells us that she's attracted to Johnny and that she never thought she could ever date a tall guy, and do you have to jump up to kiss them? Like she doesn't know. They lie down on their massage beds and act all embarrassed. Mandy cackles. Billy, on a boat with Vanessa, tells us that he loves everything about Mandy and that he usually shuts out the part of him that is attracted to other women, but since he's single, it's time to revert back. He tries so hard to convince us and himself, saying over and over how attractive Vanessa is and what a great personality she has, but only succeeds in making America collectively sigh, "Oh, poor Billy." Billy and Vanessa swim somewhere.
Andy and Carla sit in a short bus as a local sings them a terrible song. Carla then grabs the guitar and warbles a song about Andy being a "hot stud." Man, she sucks. She went from zero to obnoxious in one-point-two episodes.
Shannon and Charlie dive, and he lamely tells us about how great an "adventure" they had and then lists off all the fish they saw, making the terrible mistake of thinking that anyone gives a shit. Sorry, Charlie. Diving shots. Diving shots. Shannon tells us how "caring" Charlie was, saying that he didn't leave her side the whole time. Dude, that's a Golden Retriever, not a date.
Taheed and Lisa dance at the Independence Day Festival. Wow. Who knew Belize was at one point not free? Actually, better question might be, who even heard of Belize before this show? Taheed tells us what a great time they had and we see them dance and they both then tell us they were attracted to the other. More dancing. More dancing. "Right on," says Lisa, apropos of nothing but the fact that the director probably told her that her interview is over and she can go outside and have a smoke.
Now more of Yahtzee and Tomcat, whose beat, remember, is not hip hop. They sit on a beach and eat. They kiss briefly. Tom tells us that the dinner on the beach was one of the most romantic situations he's ever been. They feed each other food as Yahtzee says that Tom is sexy and not all "me, me, me" like her first date. Tom rubs her shoulders as he tells us that they have a "great chemistry," and that he hopes they get to spend more time together on the island. Wow. I have chills from the passion for each other obviously pumping through their veins. Brrrrr.
So now Kaya and Heather, who, of course, are just as hot for each other, eat lunch in a restaurant somewhere. Ha. We get a long shot of them not saying anything to each other; he tells us that their conversations were "few and far between." So are his sexual relations with women.
Spa. Valerie and Matt get covered with mud. She tells us that she had a hard time relaxing being nearly naked with him, but that he was funny and so eased the tension. We see him trying way too hard by making crazy faces through the mud, but apparently she likes it. I heard Carrot Top is playing Florida soon, maybe she'd enjoy that also.
Mandy and Johnny, having no trouble being naked with each other, moan as the mud is rubbed into their bodies. Mandy tells us that Johnny "makes every little thing such a big deal," and that she loves it. She goes on that the massage took her mind off Billy and put it onto "present company." Ouch.
Now Billy and Vanessa play pool in what looks to be some shitty rec room somewhere. Wow. Fun. Vanessa lies that there was "electricity" between her and Billy and that if he'd tried to kiss her, she would have gone, "smoochy smoochy." No, seriously. That's a quote, y'all. Jesus. Oh, and by the way, after that, I take back the thing I said about her not being twenty-two. I still think it, although now I think she's about seven instead. Billy once again tries to convince us that he's interested in anyone but Mandy and that he had the impulse to kiss Vanessa. We see Vanessa smoochy smoochy on Billy's cheek a few times, and he looks very uncomfortable, like a yellowjacket just landed on his arm. He goes on to say something totally incomprehensible about the progression of meeting someone to attraction to whatever is and that it is "nerve-wracking" to think where this may go. Yeah, I have no idea what he's saying either. If you ran it through some BillyTranslator machine, it would probably say, "Mandy! Please don't cheat on me with Rasta Boy. Pleeeeease. I loooove you."
So it's night now, and Mandy and Johnny are on a boat somewhere. Mandy rubs his stomach and then tells us that she's very attracted to Johnny and "this is all of a sudden real." Yeah, "real" slutty. Commercial. "Real" cool.
Boat. Night. Taheed and Lisa drink beers. The Music of My Insanely Tense Shoulders plays as Lisa and Taheed laugh and drink and whatever. He tells us that he loves how "comforting" and "loving" Lisa was and how that's something he's missing in his current relationship. Altogether now: "Ouch!" Montage of Cuddling. They are in a hammock and we get a shot right up Lisa's ass. Man, and I didn't even need to get a Proctology degree. Lisa then yodels, "Yahtzee shouldn't be too happy after tonight...but I'm sorry." And of course she says that she's sorry in a way that means she's not sorry at all.
Vanessa tells Billy as they walk on a pier that she's had shitty blind dates before, but that this one is very good. Billy continues to baffle with his unclear thoughts as he says something about them being at the "halfway point" and he's not sure if they're friends or more or what. He says he's not sure how to act, and they order drinks and hug and whatever. He's confused and sad. Don't Cry For Me Argentina. But do cry for Billy. He's in for a world of hurt.
And speaking of which...here are Johnny and Mandy, sitting by a fire somewhere at an outdoor bar or something. She says something about getting naked and suddenly they are doing body shots off each other instead. The music gets crazy dramatic and the editing gets all choppy with moments of blackness in between to highlight the mood and to make what is probably not that big a deal seem like Mandy was getting double-stuffed by a pair of natives. Actually, I don't care what they do here, just as long as Mark L. Walberg continues to stay scarce. So Johnny rubs what looks like a square of watermelon on his nipple as Mandy shrieks as Mandy is wont to do. "I don't know. Billy's going to kill me!" yells Mandy, drunkenly. So right after Johnny rubs fruit on his nipple, Mandy says to us, "He is just such a deep, deep, deep person. He made me so relaxed, I don't know if any other guy could make me feel that way." Man, someone in editing has a sense of humor. So Mandy licks the nipple and kisses the fruit out of Johnny's mouth. The image goes reverse as lightning sounds strike and Temptation Island milks this shit for every drop of not-really-cheating-but-pretty-unsettling they can get until it's drier than Matthew Perry's mouth after his daily dose of "pain" pills. Lord. Now Mandy lies on her back as Johnny pours a shot into her belly button. He licks it out as Mandy scaryshrieks, "Oh My God. Billy, I am so sorry." She laughs. Oh fuckers. Fuckers! I always thought that line we kept hearing was her crying. Now we find out she was laughing. Dammit. They got me again. Mark L. Walberg, you're in trouble. And I'm not just talking about your long-term career prospects either. Johnny then tells us that he wouldn't want a guy licking on his girl's stomach, "especially" the way he was licking on Mandy's, but at the time he couldn't help it. Johnny then says he hopes Billy will get to see the tape of them together. I guess he could have said he hopes Billy "doesn't" get to see the tape, but after several viewings, I'm almost positive he says "does." Okay, I kinda liked him before, but now I hope Billy's short ass beats the dreads off of him. That's just mean. Mandy tells us, "I'm trying to be on my best behavior, but you can only be on your best behavior for so long." She laughs. Mandy and Johnny kiss. Bam! End of the night. End of the relationship.
"Day 6." Morning has broken. Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness...ruined by the horrible sight of Mark L. Walberg. He sits down in chairs on the beach with the four men, telling them that he hopes they all had fun "with the power dating." He goes on that they know that every time they "hang out," he has a curveball to throw at them. "Hang out"?! That's just sad...Mark L. Walberg still thinking he's friends with them. Fawning, needy, tool dickface. Mark L. Walberg bring the girl hos out onto the dock and they come out, all looking very very nice. I would just like to say, that no matter how much I may complain, I'm very thankful for all the pretty pretty girls with the bare bare skin every week. Really -- thank you. Mark L. Walberg says, "We've had a little...interesting change." He says that they might have heard and that this has nothing to do with Kaya's date with Heather, "but Heather has chosen to withdraw herself from the game and the island and has gone home. For her own reasons." The guys nod and Andy says, "A disappointment for us all." "Yeah," replies Mark L. Walberg. "She's a sweet girl." Hm, I wonder why she left. I heard nothing about it in the news. I would love it to come out that she left because Mark L. Walberg kept hitting on her and she just couldn't take it anymore. Almost nothing would make me happier. Well...almost nothing. Mark L. Walberg goes on to tell the guys that, thus, they don't have to vote anyone off the island! The girl hos cheer and hug as Mark L. Walberg yells, "Have a great day!" "We love you guys," yells Lisa. Taheed tells us that he predicts that they will have "a couple hook-ups soon." The Temptation Island producers hand Taheed a twenty for lying like that. Lisa jumps onto Billy and disappears, straddling him, shouting, "Whoo!"
So Mark L. Walberg makes his distasteful appearance felt on the ladies' side of the island as he gathers the bikini-topped four and tells them they have to kick another boy ho to the curb. "Okay, you remember this guy," Mark L. Walberg says, referring to the Necklace of Buh-Bye. He tells them to "put their head [sic] together," but Yahtzee, sounding extremely scripted, tells the Host with the Least that they don't need any time. Mark L. Walberg's blue silk shirt whips in the breeze as he looks "stunned." Valerie then tells us that they already decided who to boot, everyone being in easy agreement. We see the boy hos lined up on the dock as Mandy reluctantly volunteers to deliver the blow. (I'm sure she's delivered lots of blows on the island already.) Man, she's incredibly cut, it's scary. Perhaps the toxic-yellow hair is a side-effect from steroids. Mark L. Walberg tells her to be gentle and she heads out onto the pier, saying, "You know this sucks." [Insert your own "suck" joke here.] Valerie says that she "hates this." Mandy tells the boy hos that she'll make it quick and painless, and puts the Necklace of Buh-Bye around BoringKeith's head. "Just us," say the boy hos. They repeat it, so I guess it's some sort of gay motto they came up with on their own. Valerie then flubs that the girls were all in agreement "upon [sic] Keith," saying that none of them made any connection with him and that he in turn made no effort to get to know them. We get the Pathetic Face-Saving Interview where Keith says, "They're really not my type. I mean, none of them really had the spirit that I would look for in a woman." Why do that? Ya just look stupid. I would tell the camera, "Aw, yo. They hated me. I suck." I might even cry. At least that would get me a few pity dates back home. Anyway, Keith gets on the little boat and salutes, "See ya, Temptation Island." Uh, yeah. On TV, you'll see them. The boat leaves. People watch Keith go away. The boy hos do a slo-mo cheer of "Just us!" They all hold little sticks of wood. Yes, I'm sure they in fact do. Commercials.
So the sun sets and the girls head to the bonfire ritual. Mandy tells us that she didn't think they'd have to do one again so soon, but they just had their second dates, so it all makes sense, but she doesn't want to do it, and she says, "Not again!" and half-shrieks, and she's also wearing a little pirate bandana, but I'm not going to complain because at least it's much better than the Ten Buns of Ugly. The girls arrive and Mark L. Walberg, the biggest tool in the shed, says, "How are you? Hand in hand, eh?" Fawning, fake-friendly putz. He sits down, saying, "Ah, boy. Good to see you," with his buck teeth glistening in the moonlight, looking like an insecure little beaver. "Good to see you, too," replies Mandy, tightly. Well, as tightly as Mandy can ever be. Valerie smirks. Mark L. Walberg says something about how the ladies all decided to do the show, thinking it was an experiment and they might as well go for it and blah blah blah justificationcakes. He asks if they now have any regrets, and Valerie lies that while two days ago she was unsure, now she's happy for the experience and thinks that no matter the outcome, it'll will just make her stronger. Mark L. Walberg asks Yahtzee the same question and she, I swear, looks away and shakes her head and he continues staring at her with big confrontational Scientologist-looking eyes until he realizes once and for all that Yahtzee hates him more than Taheed hates Yahtzee, and he turns away instead and asks Shannon. Lord, that was funny. Open hostility, and the editors leave it in. See, even they hate Mark L. Walberg. Shannon says that sometimes she wants to hit her head against the wall and say, "What am I doing?" I know how you feel, honey. Mandy is asked the same question. "No." "Really?" asks Mark L. Walberg, trying to get the conversation going with his implications. She doesn't reply. Ha. Love these women, with their Mark L. Walberg-hating.
The Dramatic Music of We Hate Mark L. Walberg continues as our host repeats his thing about the bonfire being about "choices." He says that tonight is "ladies' night," and that they have an "unedited highlight" from their partners' dates and they get to do the choosing -- meaning that if they choose to see the tape, their boyfriends will be forced to see or not see their tape, accordingly. Valerie shakes her head. "Oh God," nervous-giggles Mandy. So Mark L. Walberg says he's going to start with Yahtzee because, he says -- and this is really funny -- last time she went, "I don't wanna see it," and he says it with a slight "street" twang, which doesn't fit Yahtzee anyway. Man, she needs to bitchslap him out of his black polo shirt. Instead, Yahtzee thinks, gives the thumbs-up sign, and says, "I wanna see it!" She disappoints me so by even answering the fucker. The girls should rise up and Lord of the Flies his ass and take over the island. Now that would be a show. The girls laugh and Mark L. Walberg brings over the video unit. Taheed and Lisa dance. The girls laugh. That's about it. Yahtzee takes off the headphones saying something about how Lisa is always "bubbling about." I can't believe they didn't show the extensive cuddling that went on.
So Mark L. Walberg takes the machine away and asks what happened, and Yahtzee says that they were dancing. Mark L. Walberg asks Valerie, who forgot that she had to go. Again, she says that she doesn't want to see the tape. He wonders if she doesn't want Kaya to see her on her date, but she says that it is "totally out of context." Much of the editing on this show is totally out of context. Mark L. Walberg asks Shannon if she wants to see Andy's tape. "No thanks," she says. Shannon says that she already got a "preview" with the CarlaSwimming, and why would she want to put herself through that now? Mark L. Walberg says that last week Mandy was conflicted, and now she has the choice. She says that this tape will confirm Billy's worst ideas, because with her and Johnny being naked and all, this is about as bad as it can get. Valerie rolls her eyes. Mark L. Walberg wonders if Billy doesn't know Mandy well enough to know what she's capable of -- at least this seems to be what he's insinuating -- and she says, "I'd hope so." Mark L. Walberg tells her to imagine what Billy's reaction would be to seeing the bad stuff on the tape, and she says that she doesn't know. Mandy says that, regardless, she wants to see the tape, and Valerie rolls her eyes again. Mark L. Walberg is surprised. The other ladies crowd around to watch. The tape shows Vanessa kissing Billy's cheek again and again as they drink, and that's it. Mandy "pbbbbbbts" and says, "Show me something else," as it isn't a big deal. See, she really does want to see Billy getting down with another girl. Three-hundred-and-seventh time: Poor Billy. Everyone laughs. Mandy calls Vanessa "cheesy." She says that she isn't challenged, and that Billy was probably annoyed by Vanessa. She realizes, however, that Billy will watch her video now. Yahtzee shakes her head in dismay at Mandy, along with the rest of us.
Mark L. Walberg now tells them that they have the chance to make another tape. Yahtzee, having not made one before, wants to make a message now. Shannon and Valerie do, too. Mandy says no, but then says that she's just joking. Mark L. Walberg tells them they can go ahead and make the tapes and he says, "Goodnight, you guys." No one responds. Mandy looks off pensively as she tells us that in the first few days, she held herself back from doing things for fear that Billy would see them, but then realized, "You know what, this is me, and if Billy can't love me for being who I am, and exploring myself, then we're not supposed to be together anyway." Man. (a) No one is saying you can't explore yourself, just don't "explore" other guys. And (b) It's called being in a committed relationship, not "holding yourself back." Now where did that soapbox come from? I'll step down from it during these commercials.
Guys at bonfire. They reluctantly shake Mark L. Walberg's hand as he asks them how they are, and again no one responds. Kaya makes some crazy-shiny eye-contact with Mark L. Walberg. Mark L. Walberg reminds them that, though last time they got to choose whether or not to watch the videotapes, this time it is the girls' choice. He tells them about the tapes of their dates and then asks if Taheed thinks Yahtzee wanted to watch. He says no, but then says that she might have just so she could have fuel to go and act out for revenge. Andy thinks Shannon did want to see the tape. Mark L. Walberg asks whether Andy saw Shannon react when he pulled AnnoyingCarla from the pool, and Andy says that Shannon was laughing. "Okay," says Mark L. Walberg, incredulously. People laugh. He must be getting sick of all his little leading questions and evil ways backfiring. Kaya thinks that since he actually picked his date himself on this one, that it might have gotten Valerie's interest. Nice. Perfect line from your and Valerie's little script. SadBilly says that Mandy is "not like [me]; she doesn't have to see." Oh, yes she does, Billy. But only because she can't get it up for you anymore unless she sees that other girls dig you. Mark L. Walberg tells Taheed that Yahtzee did want to see, and he nods, troubled. Billy swears and covers his face when Mark L. Walberg tells him that Mandy did want to see the tape. He shuts his eyes and shakes his head in effort to make it all be a dream and let him wake up safe in his huge house in Atlanta as Mark L. Walberg informs him that he will in turn have to watch an "unedited" clip of Mandy's tape. Sad. Andy and Kaya do not get to look -- he reminds them that maybe their girls didn't want them to see what they did, and then says, "Sit with that for a minute." Fucker.
Taheed says that he's "ready, man" and he and the other guys watch Yahtzee and Tom feed each other on the beach. Andy laughs. Billy helpfully says, "That's pretty tame." Taheed agrees. He offers to tell Mark L. Walberg what happened, and then describes them eating and that was that. Billy already starts closing his eyes in pain and Mark L. Walberg readies his tape. We get funny shots of all four guys looking down as the Music of Sex Videos of Your Girlfriend begins. Billy takes the device and the guys gather around. He doesn't wear the headphones, oddly. Anyway, we hear Mandy drunkenly shriek as we see Johnny rubbing the fruit on his nipple. "Oh no," says Billy. "Billy's going to kill me," sluts Mandy. The other guys stare.
Billy shuts the device, saying that he doesn't want to watch the rest of it. Mark L. Walberg takes the device back and asks, "What did you see?" Billy rubs his face and shuts his eyes. Funny shots of Kaya and Taheed looking uncomfortable. "Uh, I saw Johnny wiping something around his nipple. That was all I really cared to see, to be honest with you." So obviously a producer runs around and whipsers something to Mark L. Walberg, because he does a reverse and tells Billy that while he can close his eyes and not watch, he has to play the rest of the tape. Billy considers killing Mark L. Walberg but doesn't, sadly. Taheed asks Billy if they can look, and he says, "Go ahead." He turns away and the other dudes crowd around the device.
We get a double exposure shot of Mandy licking the nipple and the guys watching. There is a hysterical four-shot of Billy turned away while Kaya visibly shudders and Andy's jaw hits the floor. Something tells me Mandy won't be invited to Billy's mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner anytime soon. More random noises from Mandy and drinking and "Whoo!"ing and then she kisses the fruit from Johnny's mouth. It's over.
Billy turns back around and Mark L. Walberg asks Billy if he's okay. "Yeah, I'm fine," he lies, but then adds, "I'll be honest, I've been better." Mark L. Walberg responds, "I'd appreciate you being honest, you know." Oh man, what's the name of Maynard James Keenan's band? A Perfect Circle? No, the other one...oh right, Tool. That's it. Billy goes on that he doesn't need to see "that." Mark L. Walberg busts out with a carefully rehearsed speech about how he already told them that this is "the island of temptation" and that the "adventures" are there and that how they process and deal with the adventures, whether they make the relationships stronger or weaker, is "really about [them]." No one is really listening anymore, so Mark L. Walberg quickly moves on to asking them about the video messages. He says that, last week, Taheed had nothing to say to Yahtzee. "I still don't," he dicks. Billy looks jealous of Taheed's assholeness. "Nothing? Don't want it?" says Mark L. Walberg. Andy does want to leave one. "Absolutely!" feys Kaya. "Without question. Yesss!" Mark L. Walberg tries not to laugh. He then busts into his faux-casual schtick, telling Billy that he learned some "new information" and was the most bothered by the tape and does he have anything to say to Mandy? Billy closes his eyes in pain for the thirty-sixth time this bonfire, but says yes. As the guys walk away, Billy tells us that he's trying to get his "brain under control" and that he wants to go crush something. He says the worst thing that happened on his date was that he got kissed on the cheek four times while Mandy did something to cause her to say, "Billy's going to kill me." He goes on to wonder what went on from there, and did he see the worst that happened on their date? He raises his beer and stares into the camera. "That's the part that stings most." Oh Billy, do you really think if Fox had something worse on camera they would hesitate for a second showing you? They'd find a way to show Mandy with three dicks in her mouth if it happened.
So "30 Minutes Later," the guys drink at the bar and Andy and Kaya talk about Mandy being such a ho and how it was a "double slap in the face." I don't know where the "double" part comes from. Taheed interrupts Kaya, saying, "I mean, I was ready to go find Johnny myself. Really. Seriously." (That was easy to type because they put that as subtitles to cover their terrible sound crew's mistakes.) They go on to say that Johnny was just doing his "job," and that they shouldn't be mad at him -- only at Mandy. Good point. Kaya says, "So where's Billy gone now, to Vanessa's room?" Taheed and Kaya do a really gay high-five and they all laugh. Kaya lies that that's exactly where he himself would be -- yeah, trading mascara tips. Andy says something about Billy grabbing his hat and saying "giddy-up" and Kaya lisps, making a roping motion, "Time for the rodeo!" Oh my god, that is the most hysterical thing I've ever seen. Nothing more to say about that one. The guys are all joking, but suddenly we get a shot of Billy walking up the front steps of "Vanessa's Cabana." The door opens and Billy heads inside. The door shuts behind him.
"week on Temptation Island"...Billy dirty-dances in front of shrieking girl hos as the repellent voice-over of Mark L. Walberg tells us that Billy is blowing up and acting out after seeing the tape of Mandy's date with Johnny. Billy tells us, "This is the game." The ladies are dancing with their boy hos as Mark L. Walberg tells us that the third dates "spark tension as Mandy and Shannon zero in on the same guy." We see Tomcat. Tom dances just as white as he raps, and we're talking rice white. Paper white. Ernest Borgnine white. Probably-shouldn't-ever-dance white. Man, all flailing, Scarecrow elbows. Shannon tells us that Tom is very attractive and that "he looks at you like he wants to see what's in your soul." Like Nell Carter said, gimme a fucking break. I think he just wants to see what's in your pants. Mandy says that if things don't work out with Billy, she might be able to date Tom. , "Controversy erupts for Taheed and Yahtzee." The "oh, that child" thing. They hug everyone goodbye as Yahtzee self-delusionally says, "You choose to deal with it or you choose to walk away. And I chose to go ahead and deal with the situation." , we hear that Billy and Mandy's bonfire battle erupts after viewing the hottest footage yet. Billy freaking with the girl hos. Mandy says, on her latest tape, "Billy, you look like trash." Pot...Kettle. Stee...Advil. Mandy groans to the ladies in frustration, and then cries, saying, "God, I hate this!" I hear a noise and it's my cat, playing the smallest violin in the world, just for Mandy. Good cat.