Hey kids. Look. Look at the ratings! We're a hit. They love us! They love us -- Oops. Survivor just premiered. It did what? Oh. Shit. Well...um. Hey, at least we're still beating the crap out of The Mole. Yeah, whatever...Mole.
So, we get the two-minute-long intro now, once again. Man, the goddamn Declaration of Independence doesn't have as much preamble as this shit. Well, it's exactly the same thing as last week, so here it is again: "These four couples have embarked on an incredible journey. Although they're in committed relationships...blah...test their devotion...blah...'have I found the one, or is there someone better out there for me?'...blah...They were separated from their mates and sent to opposite ends of the island...blah...twenty-six singles...blah...in search of romance. For two weeks they will mix, mingle, and date...blah...the least compatible singles will be voted off the island...blah...after each date they will confront their emotions at Bonfire...blah...videotape of their partner's experiences on the other side of the island...blah...each will narrow the field to one with whom they will share an exotic final date...blah...reunite on the last night of their journey to confess their experience to each other and decide the fate of their relationship...blah...find out as these four couples embark on a once in a lifetime journey here on Temptation Island." During that epic fucking monologue, we get a fucking tsunami of images. Shots of the couples with their length of relationship posted. A shot of Billy with hair. Shot of final dinner. Meeting the singles at the swimming pool. Horseback riding. Hot tubbing. A butterfly being held on someone's stomach -- mostly likely then killing the butterfly in the process. Hot tub. More date montage. Andy is tempted. Blonde girl ho jumping on Billy. Kaya cuddling (with a girl, shockingly enough.) Girl bonfire. Mandy crying. Boy bonfire. Billy slamming his head into Andy's shoulder in pain and jealousy. Kaya kissing someone. Shannon on DreadBoy's lap. Hick blonde girl ho and Taheed snuggling. Valerie and Kaya together. Billy and Mandy. Billy sad. Shannon and Andy. Andy sad. Billy. Taheed. Yahtzee. Mandy having taken her hair out of the terrible mistake that was the Ten Buns of Ugly. Kaya all shiny. Mark L. Walberg on the beach. His arms wide open. Welcome to this place. He'll show us everything. Beach. Swirly beach. Helicopter-shot swirly beach. Logo!
I just read today in the trades that Mark L. Walberg has signed a deal to develop a new ho-based game/reality show with Dick Clark Productions, which has something to do with single people trading phone numbers and going out on dates, and either Dick Clark's handlers are just as old as his shriveling ass is or the idea is just plain stupid, because the press-release description of the concept is as hazy as Gary Busey's memory of the period between 1982 and 1999. (Speaking of Dick Clark, how funny was he on the Golden Globes, y'all? Just crazy angry at Liz Taylor for being so senile. It was like watching two rest-home denizens fighting over the last Jell-O Pop at social hour.) Anyhoo, Mark L. Walberg is a smart smart man all striking while the iron is hot and shit. I also hear he's been hosting Talk Soup this week, but I don't think I could handle seeing a minute more of his fawning ass than I have to each week. (I'm still trying to get over the wretched memory of Hal Sparks.) Believe me. I even threw away my VHS copy of Three Kings last night just because Marky Mark is in it.
"Previously on Temptation Island"...Hos swimming. Hos walking. The kids go on their first dates. Mark L. Walberg tells us that Kaya and Taheed "face their first temptations," the word usage again making no sense. They need to stop working that word into things where it doesn't fit -- it's giving me the rickets. Alison in her bikini. Lord, have mercy. Yahtzee on her shit date with Sean. I know her comments to him are all cut up and out of context, but, uh...damn, she's a bitch. The Girl Ho Dinner. The hos "lay down a shocking challenge." Ha. "Shocking." They put in money to see who will hook up with a Temptee first. Yeah, Fox had nothing to do with that bet. Bad Editing is served along with their swordfish, apparently. "Oh my gosh!" yells the blonde porn-star-looking girl ho. Meanwhile, our ladies dish about rumors that the girl hos are all over their men. We gets shots of the girl hos all over their men. Valerie says that if Kaya does anything to throw away what they have, "so be it." Yeah, it's easy to be all Zen and shit when you're a beard. (Oh, did I say that out loud? Oops.) We get shots of the girls making the boy hos plea to stay on the island. Sean is a tool. Now the first bonfire, where they watch the tapes. Taheed is happy watching Yahtzee's shit date. Mandy cry/sulks, not wanting any woman to have a good time with Billy. She'd rather Billy pine and worry while she's out hoing all over the island. Suddenly I'm a tiny bit scared that Mandy is going to become a de-facto feminist pop icon for turning the tables on the usual stereotypical gender roles in dysfunctional relationships based on mistrust. Dammit, Mandy! Take yourself and your Ten Buns of Ugly hairdo back to Atlanta on the Greyhound.