The Numbingly Long Intro of Exposition. Shots of the kids all on the initial plane ride. Mark L. Walberg does voice-over as we get shots of Island Prettiness. He gives a massive speech because this show is so complicated -- or they think we're so stupid: "These four couples have embarked on an incredible journey. Although they're in committed relationships… blah… test their devotion… blah… 'have I found the one or is there someone better out there for me?'… blah… They were separated from their mates and sent to opposite ends of the island… blah… twenty-six singles… blah… in search of romance. For two weeks they will mix, mingle, and date… blah… the least compatible singles will be voted off the island… blah… after each date they will confront their emotions at Bonfire… blah… videotape of their partner's experiences on the other side of the island… blah… each will narrow the field to one with whom they will share an exotic final date... blah… reunite on the last night of their journey to confess their experience to each other and decide the fate of their relationship… blah… find out as these four couples embark on a once in a lifetime journey here on Temptation Island." During that epic fucking monologue, we get a fucking tsunami of images. Shots of the couples with their length of relationship posted. A shot of Billy with hair. Shot of final dinner. Meeting the singles at the swimming pool. Horseback riding. Hot tubbing. A butterfly being held on someone's stomach -- mostly likely then killing the butterfly in the process. Hot tub. More date montage. Andy is tempted. A shot of the girl ho the boys are kicking off the island this week. (Nice going, ruining the surprise for the few paying attention.) Blonde girl ho jumping on Billy. Kaya cuddling (with a girl, shockingly enough.) Girl Bonfire. Mandy crying. Boy Bonfire. Billy slamming his head into Andy's shoulder in pain and jealousy. Kaya kissing someone. Shannon on dreadboy's lap. Hick blonde girl ho and Taheed snuggling. Valerie and Kaya together. Billy and Mandy. Billy sad. Shannon and Andy. Andy sad. Billy. Taheed. Yahtzee, Mandy having taken her hair out of the terrible mistake that was the Ten Buns of Ugly. Kaya all shiny. Mark L. Walberg on the beach. His arms wide open. Welcome to this place. He'll show us everything. Beach. Swirly beach. Helicopter-shot swirly beach. Logo!
Oh Jesus. More exposition. "Previously on Temptation Island," the Voice of Shit that is Mark L. Walberg continues. Couples arrive. They are introduced to "hand-picked singles." They make them sound like pints of ice cream. We get brief shots of some of their introductions, and I'm going to guess that they are mostly the ones who will figure into things down the road. Evan. Allison. Greg. Lola. Johnny. Megan. "I like it hot!" "Show me something wet and wild!" Kaya is thinking again about his girlfriend doing things with another guy -- a smile on his face instead of concern and jealousy. The kids "blocking" the singles that they were most worried about so they can't date their mate. Blocking. Blocking. Billy disses the masseur-tool by dropping his bracelet in front of him. Andy says that the boy hos are all "just regular punks." Shannon says the boy hos were hot. Final dinner. Goodbyes. Sad goodbyes. Yahtzee and Taheed fight. Taheed is pissed off that they left fighting. "Thirty minutes after leaving the girls, the guys found themselves in the middle of a raging party." Carla annoys me. Carla annoys everybody. Taheed smiles. Meanwhile, Yahtzee cries and the girls all comfort her. Whew. Are we done yet? No. Shit.
"Day 3," reads a graphic. Women's Resort. Shannon wakes up. Valerie too.
Men's Resort. Taheed in a towel. Billy brushes his teeth, appearing to be watching one of the girl hos doing spread-leg headstands out on the beach. More likely he's wondering why he ever started dating a stripper in the first place. Girl hos walking and talking, which apparently they can do at the same time. Island Prettiness, ruined by the suck that is Mark L. Walberg. The guys have breakfast while the puffy-faced Mark L. Walberg sets up a clever joke for the guys to knock down. "When we last saw you and you were saying goodbye to your girlfriends…remember them, the girlfriends?" All four guys knock it down saying, "Who's that?" and then laugh because they all feel so clever. Kaya spazzes out and Andy goes back to shoveling food in his mouth. Mark L. Walberg continues that the guys looked bummed out getting on the boat that night, like they were going off to war. He leadingly asks if they went home and cried in each other's arms, knowing full well what happened. Tool. Kaya offers that when they returned all sad to their side of the island, they found thirteen girls ready and waiting to have a good time. By way of good time, we see, in sepia-toned shots, the increasingly annoying bassist Carla going "Whoo!" and shaking her arms over her head as Billy tries to look past her. Kaya says that the girls with the "Whoo!" and the party energy "disrupted [their] sadness." Andy continues that two of the girls "got into it" and threw each other in the pool. "Cat fight?" asks Mark L. Walberg, with all the pseudo-seriousness of Dr. Mark Green asking if Carter thinks a dark spot on an X-ray is a tumor. Billy responds that "yeah" it was a cat fight, but obviously it was not and Billy isn't even really responding to that question as we sepia-see the girls "whooping" together in the pool and slapping each other's butts, "playfully." (What is stupid is that obviously the producers told the girl hos to "party" when the guys got back while the boy hos may or may not have been given similar directions, but their energy was no match for the sad and the Yahtzee.) Billy goes on that he was thrown in the pool, and we see that. Yeah, it looks like Carla again. Hey, I wonder if her rock band back in New York knows the song, "Annoying Attention-Hungry Girl," by the Pink-Haired Try-Too-Hards? It's a good song. Andy says that Billy got "a little bit more involved in it than the rest of [them]." We see, of course, Carla hanging on a shirtless Billy, and them sitting in a hammock together. Sitting. Scandal! Carla is wearing a camouflage tank-top. It doesn't work, though, because I can still see her.
Mark L. Walberg goes on to ask the boys if they are getting that old butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling, being around girls and being "single" once again. Kaya offers that it's more than that, as things have gotten very "serious." He goes on to explain that there are three or four "self-proclaimed crocodiles" among the girl hos who will "stop at nothing to get [them]." Mark L. Walberg asks if that scares or intrigues them. "Both," says Billy. "Now there really is a game," says Mark L. Walberg, not sounding scripted At All. The men all nod and stare at each other in retarded contemplation and seriousness. You'd think they were discussing California's energy crisis or North Korea's nuclear threat, not a few girls who might or might not want to fuck them.
"Mata Chica" -- which we learn is the name of the Women's Resort. Maceo plays his guitar, all happy with his short self. Man, things are getting wild: a game of horseshoes is jumping off. Mark L. Walberg, who sure gets around that damn island, meets with the women, who all lounge around. Without her normal two pounds of make-up, Mandy is very, very pink. Cute, but very pink. Mark L. Walberg tools that for years they've been part of couples, and now they are going to be dating. He asks if there are any "butterflies." "Absolutely," answers Shannon, looking very much like Cameron Diaz, without the height, and the huge payday. The girls tell on Shannon, that she couldn't eat breakfast. I don't get Yahtzee -- she's this very adult, very bitchy thing most of the time, but then at times like this she gets silly and fun. I guess just like Yahtzee itself, she's a game of chance. Mark L. Walberg, employing a hand-to-head spinny gesture that they teach in Fake Probst School, asks Shannon what's going on in her head. Shannon replies, "I just haven't done this in so long." I know how Shannon feels, but if she stays with Andy, I have the feeling that sooner or later she's going to be forced right back into this position anyway. Yes, one should not judge another person's relationship, but hey, that's why I'm here. Very important point: they chose to put their lives in front of the world. They also chose to allow Mark L. Walberg to tell them to "go back to [their] rooms," and wait for their dates to knock on their doors.
So, we get the "Blind Dates Arrive" montage as, well, the blind dates arrive. Um, is it technically a blind date if the people have met before? I don't mean to get technical here, but knowing that your date is one of thirteen "hot singles" chosen specifically based on what you like in a mate is a bit easier and less risky than going out with your friend's cousin Jennie from Ontario who's in town for "aboot" one week to see the Tragically Hip show at the Troubador. So after the very confusing Blind Date Arrival montage, we see the first set of dates: Kaya and Valerie's.
First is Kaya, who gets to date Alison, the twenty-eight-year-old Playboy model / doctor who probably had to give up the extra "s" in her name to pay for Med. School. (I also don't mean to be more snarky than usual, but yo, do you really think she's a doctor? Like a real doctor, and not like just some self-proclaimed "Doctor of Footrubs" or something?) So Kaya tells us that Alison is just his type (of course, except for that not-having-balls-and-a-three-o'clock-shadow thing) and that he likes how she spent all night last night getting ready for their date (which, given the fact that she's just wearing a tank top and little make-up, is not understandable -- unless of course she got that boob job just last night). So then Alison breaks it down with the efficiency of words, if not accuracy, that we'd expect from a Playboy model: "He's a really hot guy." Now we meet Charlie, Valerie's twenty-eight-year-old talent-coordinator date. How much you wanna bet that "Talent Coordinator" means that he introduces girls over the sound system at a strip club in Miami Beach? He goes on to say that because they both live in the same city and because Valerie is physically attractive, "[he] thought it might be an excellent date…it might be really, really cool." Valerie goes on to say that the date started off roughly, as she was on a boat heading out and she came across Kaya and Alison, laughing and having a really good time. Bad news. Sorry Charlie. We get slo-mo shots of the two "couples" as Valerie says that it made her "sick." Well, you know what makes me -- oh my God! Commercial already! In the immortal words of Inside The Actor's Studio host James Lipton last week with Mike Meyers, "You know, sometimes, life is very good."
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Small plane. Kaya and Alison chat (his boobs are almost bigger than hers, by the way.) ["And don't think he doesn't want us to notice, either." -- niki"] He tells us that he and Valerie laid down the ground rules that either of them could pretty much do whatever they wanted during the two weeks on the show. "Hold back nothing, go with the flow. Go with what feels right." I wonder if that means Kaya will indeed find a man to sleep with. The daters hike. Hike. "Whoo!" They see a butterfly, but no one holds it over anyone's stomach. Someone takes a photo of them. Swimmin' pond. Graphic: "Blue Hole National Park." Oh Lord, how many "Blue Hole" jokes can you make in ten seconds? Go! They swim. Frolic. Kaya goes on about how Alison is the "physical manifestation" of what he likes in a woman. Notice he said, "in a woman." Verbal loopholes all over the place, my friends. I'm just telling you. But yeah, Alison is crazy hot. Kaya voice-overs that he is "literally having so much fun," literally abusing the word "literally" beyond recognition.
Meanwhile, Valerie and Charlie head to "Chechem Ha Rain Forest" where they seem to look at tarantulas in the undergrowth. Man, that's a repeating nightmare for me, not a date. Valerie says that while Charlie is a nice guy, Kaya was in her head the whole date. Back in the land of Blue Holes, Kaya asks Alison if she has a wild side. She laughs uncomfortably and says, "Yeah," but offers nothing else. Fine, she looks slammin' in her bikini, but her brain has a bit too much room up in her head. Her nipples are certainly looking for their fifteen minutes of fame. Kaya goes on that Alison is athletic while Valerie's idea of roughing it is going to a four-star hotel instead of a five. Heh hm. Kinda funny but he gets points off for being such a tool. Back with the other couple, Valerie says that Charlie is nice, but that by the end of the date she was thinking about Kaya so much that she didn't want to even really talk. In the short bus, Kaya, apropos of nothing but his systematic denial that he is gay, goes off on what he likes in women. "I like a sensitive woman. She knows herself really well. Basically…and sexually." Alison says that she had a really great time with Kaya and that she hopes she gets to hang out with him by the pool or have drinks at the bar and la loo la. Kaya then makes the most profound statement of the week, by assuring us that the rest of the time he's on the island, he hopes to be "tempted." Kaya is lucky that way because he gets to be tempted by all twenty-six singles, including his tent-mates, and Mark L. Walberg.
Now we get to Yahtzee and Taheed's dates. Yahtzee rolls the dice with Sean, the twenty-three-year-old doofus dickshit who keeps reminding us that he is a massage therapist. (Does he know that therapist really spells out "The Rapist"? Think about it, y'all.) Actually, he's about as threatening as a gumball. He's the one who "raised the roof" during the introductions, and also busted out that line about not hating the playa, which was wack the very first time someone said it, let alone by the time it got to this tired-ass white boy. So Yahtzee and Sean are on a boat. They laugh. Yahtzee tells us that Sean is exactly what she likes in a man. She sounds like she's describing household cleanser, that's how excited she sounds about him. Meanwhile, Taheed tells us that he knew he would end up going out with his date, the twenty-five-year-old crisis counselor Lawonna, because she meets everything he likes in a woman. She looks great in a bikini, that's as much as we know so far.
We see Yahtzee and Sean in the short bus, "In Route [don't they mean 'en'?] to Xunantunich Maya Ruins" and Sean talks about his mom. He tells us that he knew he and Yahtzee would hit it off since they are both massage therapists. We get an incredibly funny montage of Sean talking. Talking. Talking. Yahtzee looks out the window, bored beyond belief. I almost feel sorry for the dude. Sure, this is partially the editing, but I can see him going off like this, the dick. "He talked a lot, and the things that he said didn't interest me," says Yahtzee. At one point she gives him the "blah blah blah" hand and he doesn't even catch on to it. Now that's bad, y'all. While Yahtzee is considering jumping out of the moving short bus, we see Taheed and Lawonna having a great ol' time swimming at "Five Blue Lakes National Park." Lawonna tells us that Taheed is a turn-on and that he has a "smooth operator edge about him." So does Sade, but that didn't keep her from only doing drugs and crashing her car in South America in the last ten years. Now we get a miserable-looking Yahtzee sitting in an outside bar thing with Sean. He goes to try on a crazy shirt, while she gives serious death looks and tells us that "conversating [sic] with Sean irritated the heck out of [her]." ["Oh, whatever. He may have been a dork, but she was totally, painfully rude. And she's trying a little too hard to make herself seem intelligent. 'Conversating' indeed." -- niki] She berates him oddly for not having pulled her chair out, and then tells us that Sean was a pretty package but that's all he should have remained. Yeah, as pretty as any tool can be. Show me a shiny monkey wrench and I may "ooh" and "ahh," but it's still a tool, people. We see Lawonna and Taheed in the short bus. Taheed busts a total dickhead move by telling us that this was the best date that he ever had. He could have stopped here, but he goes on to compare it to his first date with Yahtzee, you know, his girlfriend, which wasn't nearly as good. Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Man, I'm tired already.
Now we move on to "Andy and Shannon's Blind Dates." Andy's date is the twenty-five-year-old and very cute Megan, a school teacher. Seriously, my school teachers never looked like this. I thought my fourth grade teacher, the buxom Canadian Ms. Levy was something special, but I think I was swayed by the fact that she taught us about the vagina. Because of that, I even forgave her that she made us learn the capitals of all the provinces. Although, the word Saskatchewan still makes me giggle. So Megan water-skis as Andy sings the praises of Megan. Megan then lies to us that Andy is "cute" and that he's on her "Cute List." What, the list of Billy, Taheed, Kaya, and Andy? Yeah, I bet he could make the list of the top four most eligible bachelors on her side of the island, too. Slo-mo water-skiing. Blah. So now we're in a plane as we meet Shannon's date, the twenty-nine-year-old Matt, a public relations manager. Shannon tells us the first thing that turned her on about Matt was that he said if anything happened, he's sure it would be a slow, over-a-long-period-of-time process. Yeah, I've said the exact same thing as I pulled off a girl's pants. Anyway, Shannon and Matt head to a baboon sanctuary where they watch monkeys run around and yell at each other. we see Andy and Megan at "Shark Ray Alley." A group of sharks hang around as they sit on the edge of the boat. Andy keeps touching Megan on the legs as he then tells us that he is a leg man. He goes on to say that Megan has about a "eight-and-a-half" in terms of legs while his girlfriend is "right behind" her with an "eight." Diss. Now Shannon's Matt goes on to tell us that he is a "booty man" and that he doesn't care about breasts -- though, he tells us, Shannon has a great pair. Shannon and Matt toast to being "in the same frame of mind." My cat jumps up and slaps me in the face, telling me that I promised her Road Rules was over for the season. I try to explain that this is actually a different show, but she just pukes on my fax machine and stalks off.
On the boat, Andy then asks Megan if she's "ever made a guy cheat on [his] girlfriend." The home-wrecker takes offense to the word "made," saying that it takes two to tango. Indeed it does. It also takes two morons to agree to be on this show. Elsewhere, Matt and Shannon head to "Oliver's Winery" where Shannon orders such wines as "cashew." Ew. She goes on to tell us how happy she was when Matt bought her the wine, saying, "The only potential problem that I see between Andy and I is his careers don't produce the highest income imaginable." She says that it was "a thrilling change" to have Matt insist on paying. Man, that's kinda cold. I mean if it weren't Andy and we didn't hate him already, it would be cold. Speak of the tool, Andy and Megan return home happy from their date. They lie in a hammock and Andy tells us that as a "temptation," Megan was a perfect choice. He keeps touching Megan's thighs. Ew. And also ew for the cameraman all zooming in on her thigh.
Now we get "Mandy and Billy's Blind Dates." The Music of My Leg Spasm begins as Mandy gets on a boat with her date, the twenty-six-year-old entrepreneur, Keith. Really, what is an entrepreneur exactly? Doesn't that just mean he really is a temp but he has a great idea for a pizza joint / comic book store? Keith sings the praises of Mandy (leaving out the fact that she seems really easy), telling us that she is the type of girl he "likes to hang out with." Yeah, the type of girl who will blow you for buying her a plate of Moons Over My Hammy at Denny's after taking her to see Gladiator at the $2.95 movie theatre on Beverly and Fairfax. Mandy and Keith take off on a boat. Billy's date, meanwhile, is the twenty-five-year-old bartender, Lisa, who I can tell is already going to annoy me because she has a thick southern accent and reminds me of my neighbor, Joey Lauren Adams, who keeps me up with her loud hick parties with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band blasting. Lisa, who sounds like she's been smoking three packs of Lucky Strikes every day since she was ten, rubs suntan lotion on Billy's back on a boat somewhere, and tells us that Billy is "the hottest one," and that she knew they would have a great date. They stop the boat at the "Hol Chan Marine Reserve" and get ready to snorkel as native boat workers openly ogle Lisa's titties. Montage of underwater diving with the fish and the coral and the shit you've seen one million times before. We do get a nice shot of Lisa's vagina as she kicks away from the camera before they finally surface and head back inside the boat. "That was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Lisa warbles, sounding like Flo telling Mel to kiss her grits. Billy stoically tells us that Lisa has a great personality "which is essential to having a good time." Lisa looks great in a bikini, by the way, but I imagine that's the reason she was picked. It certainly wasn't for her sultry and soothing voice.
Another boat. Mandy says something to Keith that sounds like "hold my hand" but isn't, as Keith then tells us that Mandy is a "beautiful girl." We see them scuba diving at "Lighthouse Reef" as Billy waxes Disney that Mandy was "a mermaid or something." Mandy then tells us that the two of them held hands under water and that, furthermore, Keith seems like someone that she could "be with." Yeah, he has a cock. He fits Mandy's needs perfectly. (No, I'm kidding, I like Mandy. She's just seems like the loosest of the women and, thus, gets the brunt of the jokes. Plus, I'm still convinced she's a hooker. Dude. Seriously.) Now Billy and Lisa. They write graffiti on a hut somewhere as Billy disses her, telling us that Lisa's eyes are the sexiest part of her body. Then, as they do tequila shots somewhere, Lisa tells us that Billy has the prettiest eyes and that he's one of the "coolest guy [she's] ever met." She sums up that she has "some attraction" towards him. Now back to Mandy and Keith, who eat a picnic on a beach -- with, we see, their native guide right nearby. Ha. Mandy goes on to tell us, as we get a shot of her in which she looks about thirty, that this is a dream vacation and that where else would she get the chance to hang out with thirteen single guys who were all chosen specifically for what she's attracted to. "This will never happen again," she tells us, looking trashier than Oscar the Grouch with her long braids and whore make-up. She's also sorta lying, because she's around at least thirteen single guys who want her every time she dances the Businessman's Shift down at Crazy Girls. "This will most likely never happen to anybody else," she says, lying again. Yeah, it won't happen again…until Temptation Island II airs by this summer, I'm guessing.
During commercials, four things both scare me and tempt me at the same time. The new Jordache commercial campaign from the seventies, the Fox show Police Videos, the X-Files ad featuring the weird midget on the little handcart who can squeeze into the bodies of his victims, and the ad for the new Boston Public where the cheerleading squad earns the wrath of the principal by doing too sexy a routine. Man, I love me some television. Oh, Ally McBeal has resorted to doing stunt casting with Chubby Checker. Man, that's fucking old school right there. They're keepin' it real. (Yeah. Real boring.)
Beach. Night. Graphic. "Day 3 continues…three hours after first dates." The guys frolic with the girls as Andy voice-overs, all pseudo-serious again, that the girls are fun but he thinks there are "a few sharks in the mix." Now we get an incongruous day shot of the guys in their hut talking about the "man-hungry" girls and worrying about the boy hos being all over their girlfriends as they speak.
We then cut to the "Single Girls' Dinner" where all the girl hos sit around a big table and talk about the guys. Someone asks whom they are attracted to and most of them shout, "Billy!" Man, there is more estrogen in the room here than at the Bristol-Meyer lab back in the forties when they were first trying to manufacture The Pill. The girl that I like -- I can't remember her name right now but the un-ho-ey girl from New York (Britt) -- is saying nothing as everyone else squawks about Billy and him being the "whole package." Hee, she said package. Someone says he's "soulful." Sure.
Now we get the four women in their hut talking about the girl hos and how they are going to be gunning for their men. Mandy says that she's never seen a girl hit on Billy, which leads me to believe that Mandy is legally blind or on crack, either of which I would believe -- the crack would explain her ho-iness while the blind part would explain the Ten Buns of Ugly she sports in her hair during the Bonfire nonsense later. Yahtzee scares Mandy by saying that they "know" how girls are and that there are a lot of girls after their guys right now. As Mandy starts her three-hour make-up ritual, she tells us that during their dates, Kaya and Yahtzee ran into each other, and that Kaya told Yahtzee the girl hos are all over Billy (we see a shot of girls all over Billy) and that girls are all over Taheed as well. (Some people on the forum have taken to calling him "Toolheed" which I think is quite fitting.) Ha. No one is all over Andy or Kaya. Andy, because he's a little scrub, and Kaya, because they know to ask him for tips on picking out fabric rather than hitting on him. Mandy says that there is a lot of tension.
We go back to the ho dinner as someone asks Elizabeth why she likes the "aggressive" Andy. She doesn't give a really clear answer. Yeah, no shit. How about, "The producers slipped me a hundred to pretend to like him." She calls him "interesting," and says that he's comfortable around her and that Shannon was "staring at [her] so hard [she] was getting bruises." Bah-dum-dumb. The girls laugh.
Hut O' Men. Taheed lies, "I can be faithful. But if a woman throws it at you, it can be very, very difficult." Dude. If a woman actually threw it at me I'd run screaming -- that would be pretty nasty. Kaya leads Taheed, wondering if when a woman is very aggressive he's just like, "take me?" Kaya makes a 'take me' motion towards Taheed, and there's really nothing more that needs to be said about that. Lord. "You're defenseless!" says Andy. Yeah, like you know. ["Not to mention the fact that it's just a lot of stereotypical 'men are weak and helpless to resist' crap people tell themselves so they don't feel bad about cheating." -- niki]
Girl ho-down. Someone shrieks that they should make a bet. Sweet Britt tries to say something but is quickly drowned out by the screechy girl hos. Oh, poor New York City nice girl. They give her less camera time than Msaada on Road Rules. Carla leads this thing, saying that if they don't bet they're just going to end up being too sweet and passive. Someone yells "oh my gosh!" as Carla says they should all put money in the pot and then whoever hooks up with one of the guys first gets the cash. It's sort of like landing on Free Parking, but instead you have to let Andy stick his tongue down your throat. ["Dude, there could never be enough money in the pot for that" -- niki]
Our girl hut. Yahtzee says that there are certain girls who will do anything and they have no control over that. Valerie adds that if their guys do anything to throw away what they have, "so be it." I thought…I thought that Valerie and Kaya are allowed to do whatever they want. Man, these couples confuse and frighten me. Mandy, halfway into her make-up routine now, says that this is turning out to be a strange adventure. So then the girls are just hanging around with their boy hos, and Shannon tells us that morale was low and no one really knew each other that well. She doesn't know who said it, but someone, at some point, decided to "spice it up." We see Mandy sluttily rubbing the bicep of one of the boy hos. Oh, be sad for Billy for the forty-seventh time this episode. So now the girls are in bikinis and the guys are all in towels on the beach. Valerie explains to the boy hos that tomorrow they have to kick one of the boys off, so they are to stand in front of the girls one by one and tell them why they should be allowed to stay on the island. "If you want to stay, you will obey," someone yells. So the boy hos start, saying things like they want to get to know the girls better and they are shy and they are a nice person. One guy wiggles his bare butt and another is dressed as Tom Green's hick character, which is kinda funny and bold, with all the man-skin showing, to go the other way. Sean the masseur tools up, "I'm not just a pretty face, and a pretty body…" and then he opens his towel and I guess has his dick inside a sunglasses case. I wish he said and did any of this with any irony whatsoever, but I'm sad to report, no. He should be sacrificed right now to the local volcano to appease the gods with the yearly quota of moron. Maceo, I guess, puts tape and cardboard all over his wiener and the girls look kinda disgusted. Another guy threatens to get naked but runs away. Jim shocks all the girls by coming out in a shepherd's outfit but then showing his cock. Valerie tells us that she didn't come up with the idea (Mandy) but she definitely helped . "There are naked boys on the beach!" squeals Mandy, drunkenly. You'd think with all that make-up time she could put on a little powder or something, because she is shinier than the Bilbao on an August afternoon. Commercials.
Island Prettiness. "Day 4." Mandy, sitting in a hot tub, tells us how making their own fun last night put them in a good mood and that they all woke up happy. We get a shot of her getting out of bed and a little stuffed monkey falls out from between her legs. Of course it does. So the girls head out to sit on chairs on the beach where Mark L. Walberg shows up. Man, it was nice to be without his toolish presence for a while, wasn't it? He explains that what the girls did last night, "from [their] gut" (whatever that means), was correct and that now they are going to do the same thing again. You can tell he's pissed off that they stole his thunder by doing their own little tribunal last night, fucking up the show and rendering today much less dramatic. Man, we get a shot of Shannon in her bikini and Lord, does her cup runneth over. "I'm going to have the guys line up. I'm going to give them, like, fifteen seconds to make their best plea as to why you should not vote them off the island." "Once again," says Yahtzee. Ha. Valerie shoots Mark L. Walberg a look that could burn ice. At least she has good taste in which men to hate, if not in whom to love. He continues that he's then going to ask one of them hang "the necklace" on the guy they vote off and "they're gone. Right now. Off the island." Mark L. Walberg looks around fawningly, very proud of himself and looking for the love and encouragement he never got growing up as a pudgy, Jewish kid in the WASPy neighborhood, vowing one day to show all these goyem. And when he finally got his own "wacky" morning radio show in Tulsa he was sure he had made it. But it didn't stop the pain. It didn't quiet the voices. No. Mark L. Walberg had to be on television. And he was going to do anything to make it happen. Anything…
Oh right, sorry. I digress. Back to the recap. The guys start coming out. Dano says that he's a funny guy and wants to show them a good time. Matt says the same thing. Evan says that he's a nice guy who just really wants to talk to them and find out what their men haven't been able to do for them. Ouch. ["And…shyeah, right." -- niki] Yahtzee nods knowingly. Sean says that all the girls are beautiful and that the main thing is just to be good friends. He gives a thumbs up and Yahtzee throws him a tight little "okay" which means, "Pack your bags, touchy boy." Greg says that the girls are pretty, and Maceo says that he'd like to spend more time with them. Poor weird Charlie speaks in Italian to them, which is kinda charming. Dreadlock Johnny says that he loves to have fun, to be silly, and to love. They're keeping him. Jon, the normal guy, says that he's the tallest guy on the island. The girls applaud him. In line, the guys slap him high fives. Tom starts rapping. Tom, the white guy. "You see I'm Tomcat here coming straight from the top. I wanna make it clear that my beat is not hip hop. [No shit.] I'm the boy who collects the groove, with a little bit of funk that will help you to move. I'm the groove collectah." Wow. The girls, for some reason, probably out of their sense of charity, decide to keep him. That was worse than when Sam Malone rapped the sports on Cheers. Yikes. So Keith tells the girls that he'll keep them oiled up, won't let them burn, won't give them bad food, and will make sure they have a great time. They "awwww" him for some reason and tell him thanks. He walks away, very proud of himself for his slick ways. It's sorta sad, in that not sad but hilariously pathetic kinda way. "No pressure. No pressure," mumbles NormalJon.
Mark L. Walberg sits down to plead for them not to kick him off the island. Aw no, he's just telling the ladies that they did a good job and now they have to come to a consensus and put the Necklace of Buh-Bye around one of the boy hos thick necks. The girls huddle, saying that at first it was a compliment to be booted but now it's not. Shannon tells us that, indeed, Yahtzee wanted to boot Sean, but Shannon and Valerie said no. "Sean is our token hot guy, the guy that the guys are going to be worried about." I guess I'm missing something. Sean is a moron with a big cartoonish dog face, huge ears, and creepy beady eyes. So the girls mumble something about Maceo and Keith and Jim and then say the word "strong" and then they're done. Mark L. Walberg sits and asks them who is going to deliver the Necklace of Buh-Bye. Shannon. Mark L. Walberg says, "They leave it to the lawyer. Huh hee huh!" He looks around for encouragement on his little joke, but gets none. The girls thank Shannon and she walks over to the guys. "I just want you guys to know there is very little rhyme or reason to this. I'm sorry." She smiles very cutely, then, her back hunched in supplication, and gives the necklace to the short, black Maceo, hugging him in apology. Valerie then tells us that "last night" the girls had an encounter with Maceo that made them realize he had an arrogance that they didn't like. We see a sepia flashback of him playing his guitar on the beach and then Valerie tells us that he smashed his guitar drunkenly and ran around swearing. The hot-tubbing Mandy says that Maceo only talks about himself. We get a quick montage of Maceo yelling into the camera, "I'm over the top! I'm a songwriter! I'm a multi-track recorder, okay?! Bam! I can't quench that!" Hee. What the fuck?! He is driven away on a little boat and everyone waves. I have to wonder what happens to all his stuff, but it's those little OCD details that I just have to ignore to stay sane here.
Men's Resort. The men are led to chairs in front of Mark L. Walberg, who explains what is about to happen. The girls start coming out. So Lawonna is first, craftily saying that there is one guy she has her eye on who has never dated a black girl and that this is a perfect opportunity to give him what he's been missing. Yow. Well, she's staying, all right. Megan tells us that if she left now, she'd not get the chance to know the other three like she got to know Andy on their date. ["No shit, Captain Obvious." -- niki] Elizabeth babbles, but she's so stupid I won't write what she says. Venus says something about being both a doctor and a personal trainer. I have no idea what that means. Alison is looking forward to finding out more about the guys and, "Possibly a little temptation," which means absolutely nothing either. Patti, smiley Patti, tells us that she gives massages and that she's good at it. Vanessa sticks her tits out as far as they will go and blahs that she would feel "empty inside" if she left now and didn't get to know the guys better. Heather sluts over and stutters that she hopes the guys are "cool" and find out what she's about. Lola whores that they haven't gone skinny dipping yet. Carla sits down and starts whining, which is a way to go, for sure. "Don't bump me off, cuz I don't wanna go home! I'm having so much fun with all you guys." The guys all laugh. Wow. Carla is pretty fucking crafty, I have to say. "Very cool," says Billy, about Carla. Lisa, feeling confident after giving Billy the blowjob on the back of the schooner yesterday, twangs, "I really think y'all are really cool." Man. The English language is so versatile, isn't it?
Ah, back to Mark L. Walberg. I guess we don't see all the girl pleas because there is no Britt. Fuckers. "Think about the days to come and who you want to share those with." The guys huddle together, saying that they think they should stick with their gut instincts, adding that the "pitches" threw them and that some of the girls they didn't really think were cool seem so much cooler now. They sit down. The guys say that one of them had to be swayed and that "this one is a shocker." No one wants to deliver the Necklace of Buh-Bye, so Mark L. Walberg throws it to the only guy he thinks he could actually beat up – Andy -- and makes him do it. "Whoa. This is rough," lisps Kaya. All the guys hang their heads, especially Billy, who looks like he wants to run away. Andy is out on the peer and tells the girl hos that he wants to make it as painless as possible. So he walks right up to Lola and hangs the albatross around her neck. Andy calls her "sweetheart" and Lola says, "Oh, you don't care for me? Nobody loves me." Meanwhile, Taheed says that he "didn't want it." Lola says she's going to cry as Andy tells us that Lola did nothing for him and that, once you get to know her, the looks don't matter anymore. Ouch. He violates her by hugging her even more while she cries. Lola then tells us that Andy is "King Bee," and that the first night she told him all the stuff she did, and we get a sepia replay of her telling Andy that she's a model and that she makes money and that she just bought a house in Van Nuys. You guys know that Van Nuys is like the porn capital of America, right? I'm just sayin'. So then Lola brats that if a woman is "too up there, doing well, he's not going to like it." Wow. Whatever you say, sister. She forgets the fact that the other three guys, well two at least, also didn't like her. She leaves in slo-mo, crying. "I am so shocked!" says Mark L. Walberg, the fawning prick tool dickface, spreading his arms wide open in this meek but still hostly manner. Billy tells us that when he first met Lola she drunkenly said, "Why the hell haven't you met me yet?" and he didn't like her from then on. The girls wave to Lola, and for some reason Britt is hugging one of the other girl hos as they leave. So maybe that's why she isn't getting a lot of screen time. Although, that could make her very popular on an island like this. Lola disappears out of the harbor. L-O-L-A, Lola. B-U-H-B-Y-E, Buh-bye.
Women's side. Montage of Hang. The girls and boy hos all chill in the hut and, really, it looks like not very much fun at all. Shannon tells us that she thought Lola was the most beautiful girl and says how happy she is that she was gone today. She is surprised and happy that the guys are concerned with more than looks. As am I. Billy tells us that, looks-wise, he's very happy with who they still have left. Carla throws Andy in the pool. Tool in the pool! More hang. Swimming. Both sides of the island. Hanging. Valerie says that it's too calm and that something is coming. Fire! Darkness! Logo! Commercials! Sweet.
My local Los Angeles Fox station news break tells us that we'll meet the guy booted from Temptation Island and find out why he doesn't even care. Ha. Maceo, working it. Here's my prediction: insane asylum within ten years.
So Fox really doesn't care about biting the shit out of Survivor, which, in a weird way, you have to sort of admire. The guys are led across the island to a bonfire with seats and candles and, yeah, you saw it every week this past summer on CBS. Mark L. Walberg sits down across from the guys saying, "What a night, huh? Beautiful." Hee. No one answers him. Oh shit, one of the screws on my desk chair is loose. What do I need to fix it, again? Oh right, a tool. That's it. So Kaya lies that the Bonfire thing was a mystery (your sexuality is the only mystery here) and that it was very dramatic and no one knew what to expect. Mark L. Walberg says that tonight is about "opportunities" and that they will have the opportunity to see videotape of the person their chick dated talking about the date. Billy, a little too dramatically this time, grabs his heart with his hand and looks down, exhaling. Mark L. Walberg goes on to explain that it's a choice, and that he wants to be clear that whatever the guys choose, the ladies, when he meets with them later, will have to follow (week it will be the opposite.) So if Billy wants to see Mandy's videotape, she'll have to see his. And similarly if he doesn't want to see it, Mandy won't get to see his. Got it? Got it. The guys all "react" as Mark L. Walberg lets them think about it and "play it out in their minds." The one good thing about Mark L. Walberg is that he gets to business quickly every fucking once in a while and here he quickly asks Kaya what he wants to do. Kaya says that he doesn't want to limit Valerie's choices and so he won't look at the tape, which makes less sense than anything I've heard on the show yet, but whatever. Andy says, "Good call, Kaya." Billy's turn. He thinks and then says, "Show me," smiling. Mark L. Walberg hands Billy a little video unit and the other guys ask to watch and he says yes. Billy wears headphones but the other guys react like they can hear too, so I'll just add that to the list of things that make no sense on Temptation Island. So we see the videotape and Keith talks about Mandy getting to do something that she's never done and how it had to excite her -- obviously he's talking about diving but it's one of those Three's Company moments where he could be talking about sex. Billy smiles. Keith calls her a mermaid. Keith says he'd love to go out with her again. Mark L. Walberg asks Billy what Keith said. He tells him. Mark L. Walberg asks if Billy is "challenged" by that and he replies that it's "tough to say." He can see how Mandy could like Keith, but then again she has "so many types." Ha. Eh. Again. Poor Billy. Billy doesn't look too upset, but, yeah, kinda.
Taheed's turn. He wants to see the tape. "Okay, my friend," says Mark L. Walberg, handing over the device. So sad -- Mark L. Walberg is so hard up for friends that he considers Taheed one. Taheed watches Sean lie that he and Yahtzee were very compatible. Everyone laughs when they see Sean. Sean goes on to say that they "could have" had a good time but she got pissed and that she doesn't like him much right now. Taheed is very happy. Andy says something as Sean babbles on that he'd like to meet more women but he already has two bracelets and he's still blahing away as Taheed takes off the headphones. Taheed says that he was disappointed that it was "massage guy," but it doesn't sound like the date went too well. "Look at that smile," says Mark L. Walberg. I want to punch him. It looks like Mark L. Walberg wears a lot of eyeliner. It does. Anyway, he reminds Taheed that now Yahtzee gets to see his tape. He goes to ask Andy. Andy says that this is supposed to be their time to do their own thing and so he doesn't want to see the tape. "That's a pretty safe way to play it," says Mark L. Walberg. Andy shrugs. "Cool," says Mark L. Walberg. Dick. Mark L. Walberg goes on that they have more to talk about, that each guy now has the chance to record a one-minute video message that Mark L. Walberg will deliver to the girls in the morning. "What's the down side of this?" asks Kaya. "This is too good to be true!" say Billy and Kaya both. They both want to do it. Andy says that he's in. Taheed says, "No." Drum of Relationship Instability. "You don't want to talk to Yahtzee?" asks Mark L. Walberg. Taheed explains that he was embarrassed and hurt by the way they left things and that she needs to think about the way she acted and that he won't give her the satisfaction. Wow. What a dick. Really. "Tough guy. Good call," says Andy. I guess everything is a good call with Andy. "I think I'll shit on Andy's head." "Good call." Mark L. Walberg sums up and says that they will now record their messages. Kaya tells us that he can't fathom the fact that Taheed chose not to record a message and that it's like a "slap in the face."
Ladies. They walk to the bonfire as Valerie says that they all had an "eerie" feeling and felt tension and that nothing good was coming. They arrive at the bonfire, all looking nervous indeed. Mark L. Walberg says, "Hi ladies. How are you?" No one answers him. I can't take my eyes off Mandy's Ten Buns of Ugly. Lord. Her head looks like a model of Jupiter with all the moons displayed in correct formation. Mark L. Walberg keeps babbling about have they had fun and still no one answers so he launches into his thing about tonight being about "choices." He explains the deal with the videos and how the men had to make choices for them too. Mandy inhales sharply. Valerie and Shannon look sick. "I knew it!" says Valerie. Mark L. Walberg uses the word "caveat" in his explanation, which just makes him even more of a tool, if that's even possible. Mark L. Walberg says that he can't tell the girls why the men made the decisions they did, only what decision was made. Valerie says that the whole thing "turned [her] stomach." I know how you feel, honey. Or maybe it's just the fact that I've been drinking coffee now for three straight hours. Commercial.
We're back. How is it that with the lighting and the wind blowing, all the ladies look even more lovely than usual, while Mark L. Walberg just looks more creepy and stupid? Anyway, he tells them that not all the guys chose to see the tapes and they all react. It's actually pretty dramatic -- the girls are all on edge. Mark L. Walberg says that Andy didn't want to see the tape, and Shannon says that she "knew it." Kaya also didn't want to see the tape, and Valerie says that she knew it and isn't disappointed at all. "Billy absolutely wanted to see." Mandy says, "I know." Trashy, but very cute. I'm torn, people. She goes on to say that Billy makes up the worst scenarios in his head and he'd rather just know "how bad it is." Ah. Once again, everybody: poor Billy. Yahtzee is then shocked to hear that Taheed wanted to see, because she didn't think he'd want her seeing what he was doing. "I'm shocked," she repeats, really annoyed when Mark L. Walberg asks her to repeat. Hee. Yahtzee hates Mark L. Walberg. So do we all. Mandy doesn't want to have to watch the tape now, and whines as she puts on the headphones. She doesn't want the other girls to watch, as she takes the device. She is very, very nervous and upset as she watches. The Electronic Strings of A Stripper's Impending Tears begin as Mandy watches Lisa all excited about going on a date with Billy and saying that when they first met, they instantly had a connection and they had a "super-great fun date." Lisa says that if you see tape of the date, you'll see how much fun they had, and Mandy's face starts to break. The music swells. The wind whips the ladies' hair -- well, those whose hair isn't twisted up into freak-buns. Mandy takes off the headphones and cries. "Are you okay? Why are you crying?" asks Mark L. Walberg. Douche. She says that Lisa did say that Billy had a cool girlfriend and that she was okay until Lisa said what a great time they had. "I don't want any girl having a good time with Billy. I want them to have a terrible time." She laughs, sadly. So do I.
Mark L. Walberg asks Yahtzee if she's ready. She says yes. She tells the girls they can also watch, in fact asking them to "share this with [her]." She watches as Lawonna says that she's "speechless" and what a great date they had and how funny he is. Whoa -- she says that they talked a lot about what's wrong with his current relationship, and Taheed said that it was his "best date ever" and she's sorry it's over. Mark L. Walberg asks what Lawonna said and Yahtzee gives the bare minimum, not being able to stand talking to Mark L. Walberg. He asks her if she's angry because of the way they parted. She says that having known Taheed for five years, she knows that he can be charming and put his best "shoe" forward but that it isn't the real Taheed. Mark L. Walberg goes on to give them the option to record the message. Mandy says, "Yeah." Valerie nods. "Definitely," says Shannon. "Absolutely not," says Yahtzee. Mark L. Walberg asks what if in the morning, Taheed doesn't get a message but she does. "I'll listen," she says. Ouch. She's a cold-hearted snake; look into her eyes. Mark L. Walberg leads the ladies away.
Valerie says that it was a tough night and that everyone was on the "verge" of breaking down. Mandy tells us that she doesn't know what is going to happen to Taheed and Yahtzee and that there are a lot of things that can "taint" a long relationship. Ha, she said "taint." She hos the famous line, "This could rip two people apart." Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. That strange dog is rooting around on the beach. And…black.
"week on Temptation Island"…Mark L. Walberg voice-overs that after the painful experience of Bonfire, the girls returned to find comfort in the arms of the single men. Drunken cavorting. Hot-tubbing. Hugging. "The massage table's right over there!" says Sean, still trying to get mileage out of his stupid masseur thing. Mandy yells that she is the "luckiest girl in the world!" Everyone gets to watch their videotapes, Mandy telling Billy tearfully that she's sorry if she starts crying. We see Billy crying while watching. "And jealousy rears its ugly head during the selection of the dates." The hos by the pool again. I can't tell if the guys and girls are doing this together, but I don't think so. We see that Andy's date will be Carla, and Shannon voice-overs, "The most obnoxious girl there just jumped on top of my boyfriend," which we see as she is picked for the date, so maybe they are all there together. Who knows. "On the second dates, the flames of passion start to burn." Yahtzee and her date feed each other. Mandy kisses Johnny. "There is a dramatic reversal at Bonfire as Mandy's exploits are too much for Billy to watch." Billy shuts the video unit. Mark L. Walberg says that he has to let the tape play out but he can close his eyes. The other three watch, their jaws dropped. "Billy, I am so sorry!" cries Mandy from the videotape. Billy shuts his eyes tight. "And the distraught Billy seeks to even the score with one of the singles." Billy disappears into a girl ho hut. Ouch. And…that's it. Phew.