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S24E15

We open with Probst asking Kim how she did it, besides winning four Immunity Challenges. Kim says that she tried to make personal connections with each person, and we learn that everyone on the jury except Troy and Leif voted for her.

Probst moves right to the guys giving up Immunity (although he asks Matt about it, and Matt had already been voted out). So he redirects to Mike, who says it was a bad idea. Thanks, Mike. Jonas says that his biggest mistake was not making big moves and trying to fly under the radar. That was definitely what this season lacked and why many thought it was boring; there were very few big moves. Even the blindsides were boring.

Then comes the Colton segment. Seeing Colton kind of makes me believe in karma, because dude got faaaaaat. Like not just the usual post-island return to regular weight. He's fat. He avoids the question and denies being racist (not very convincingly, if you ask me). It's like someone told him that the things he said were bad, but he doesn't really believe that they were, but he knows he needs to pretend that he does. Then they make Colton's mom stand up and apologize for his behavior, bless her heart. And then Mayim Bialik stands up? And says that she wanted to see Colton get what was coming to him, and she'd like to see him play again. Stuff it, Blossom. And then some other guy stands up and says that he loves to hate Colton. Shut it, audience member. Also, when did Probst turn into Phil Donahue? Practicing for his upcoming talk show? And then Colton finally apologizes. Bleh.

Then Probst talks to Tarzan and it's a waste of time as usual. There is mention of his sex life with his wife. No, thank you.

Kat is still crazy. Alicia apologizes for crossing the line and offending her special needs students and their parents and everyone else who listened to her talk ever.

For Fan Favorite, it comes down to Kim, Chelsea, Tarzan, and Troy. Really? Troy? And then Probst narrows it down to Kim or Troy, and Kim wins. She seems shocked. Well, come on. She seemed decent and clear-headed and she didn't talk shit about people in confessionals. That's all the audience wants.

Probst tells Troy that people "on the street" liked him. What street? That street should be shut down. Troy says that everyone thinks he played the game the best of anyone ever. Ugh. Leif felt like a representative for little people, but he was happy to inspire people. Monica loves her husband. Bill feels that comedy is a real job and he works hard at it, and he's also dressed like Ducky from the prom scene in Pretty in Pink. Christina whatever.

season will be in the Phillippines, and will feature three castaways who were airlifted out of seasons. If you really want to know who the veterans are, Google it. The information is out there. I don't know why CBS tries to keep it a secret.

I'm normally not a fan of reunion shows, because Probst never asks the questions I want to hear answered or talks to the people that I want to hear talk and then someone awful wins Fan Favorite and it makes me depressed about the state of the union. But I will set all that aside and try to tell you what happened and how some people are still made of garbage, if applicable.

So once Kim is announced as the winner, she hugs her family and then after a break to let her hug them some more, we get to see a clip package of Kim's Greatest Hits. Remember when Kim had an Idol in her crotch? I kind of loved her for using the word crotch on national television. I want to bring that word back as a unisex insult. Like, "Joe, don't be such a crotch." It's kind of like "bitch" but it could be a dude or a lady so it's not sexist. Anyway, enough about me and my linguistic crusades. Remember when Kim won peanut butter and took a shower during the auction? Remember when everyone said they would trust Kim with their lives? Remember when Kim won four individual Immunity Challenges including the last crucial one?

Probst opens the reunion segment by reminding us that Kim dominated the latter half of the game physically by winning all those immunity challenges. He says that she joins Jenna and Kelly Wigglesworth as being first to win four individual immunities, but I guess he's only counting women because there are a bunch of dudes who won four or more in their seasons. Anyway, Probst isn't here to talk about how Kim is a challenge monster because she's not a dude and he only likes it when dudes physically dominate. He's here to talk about how she won the game through methods. Kim says that her biggest move was getting to know each person individually, because she couldn't win all the challenges and make it to the finals and then no one would have voted for her to win if they didn't like her as a person. So many people (RUSSELL) forget that.

Probst asks who voted for Kim and all of the jury members except Troy and Leif raise their hands. Probst starts to ask Troy why he voted for Kim and realizes that he didn't, so he switches to Jay asking him if he agrees that Kim made connections with people. Jay agrees that they all trusted Kim and bought what she was selling. Everyone laughs, because she sold all of them something all right. Probst thinks her biggest move was getting the guys to vote other guys out and adds that people on the street were asking him what the guys were doing. Probst loves three things in a reunion above all else: talking about what people on the street are saying, taking informal straw polls about who jury members would have voted for in alternate realities and metaphorically fellating strong male players.

By Kim

Kim says that she knew once they merged again that they had to get rid of at least one guy if they wanted to have a chance. Probst is done with Kim now and says that he can't believe the guys gave up immunity. He asks Matt why they did that and Matt reminds him that he was already gone when that happened. Come on, Probst. They are seated in boot order. The guys gave up immunity to get rid of Bill. Matt is seated to Bill's right, meaning he left before Bill. This isn't rocket science. Is Probst on pills or something? His face looks weird, like maybe he got a face lift recently. Did he sneak some vikes or percs before the show and now he's all doped up?

Probst redirects the question to Mike and everyone laughs. Mike says that he thought he was going home that night and he and Jay did not want to go to Tribal Council, but they relented at the last minute. So Mike doesn't really answer why they went along with it anyway, ESPECIALLY when he thought he was getting voted out, but Probst moves on to ask Tarzan what his plan was to win when he helped get rid of most of the jury members. Please don't ask Tarzan questions. I have had an assload of Tarzan and I'm about done. Tarzan says that he made an alliance of five guys in the beginning and used Colton as a shield and getting rid of Bill was all part of the plan. Probst doesn't want to talk to Tarzan any more, although if he would talk like a normal person, I wouldn't mind hearing more about what Tarzan's plan was, because it sounds like he's taking credit for stuff that the show had us believe was all Colton's doing.

Probst asks Chelsea basically, "Why is Kim so awesome?" Chelsea says that Kim is endearing and soft-spoken and you believe her when she's talking to you. Probst asks Sabrina how the women were able to stick together when the men weren't. Sabrina says that the women were a mess at the beginning and she's glad that Colton was able to get rid of some of the stronger guys before they shook up the tribes. That didn't really answer the question. Moving on.

Probst asks Troy -- the expert -- why this season's alliance worked when most of them fall apart once the people on the bottom realize their position. Troy takes a lot of words to say that people don't like taking risks and they stick with what feels comfortable, which is true in life as well as in the game. Probst wonders if Kim knew she was going to win. Kim says that initially she thought she won, but as she watched the show she really didn't think that she did.

Probst wants to know if Jonas has any advice for future players and Jonas says that he wishes he hadn't tried to lay low and had made some big moves. Jonas is one of the few people I wouldn't mind seeing on the show again. I feel like he kind of got screwed by the twists and turns of the season and he was one of the few guys that didn't bug me this season. Probst says he always tells people that they have to make big moves in this game. Tell that to Sandra. Didn't she win twice by flying under the radar? Big moves certainly make for a more exciting game for the viewers, but I don't know that it's the only way to win.

Ugh. Colton. Let's see a clip package of his greatest hits, which only show that he's made out of not even garbage, but the sludge that is at the bottom of your garbage can after you forget to bring the cans in from the curb and it rains a little bit. Probst asks Colton how he feels watching them back. Colton says that he owns the things he said, but it makes him uncomfortable to watch it and he saw "a very, very mean, mean person." He claims that his two options were to be a sweet Southern belle or a "bitch with teeth." Probst actually stops him and says that's not really true and then almost asks him a question but gets interrupted by a music bloop which kind of ruins the moment. Colton says he's not a racist because he would make out with Shemar Moore. Well, I'm convinced. Colton says it was uncomfortable for his friends too.

Probst isn't really letting him off the hook for once and says that there are villains that people love to hate and villains that people don't want to hear about any more. I don't think Probst knows the difference since he thinks a Hantz showdown would be awesome. Colton agrees, but then gets all cutesy and says that everything tells him that it got boring when he left. You know what I'm not hearing here? I'm not hearing a FUCKING APOLOGY for saying terrible things. Maybe he's not racist or classist or ageist or whatever. But he did say things that were hurtful and the only way he can even begin to redeem himself at this point is by saying, "I'm sorry that I said such awful things. I got caught up in the game and being on TV and trying to appear clever and I realize now that I was hurtful to my castmates and to the viewers. I am sorry and being on the show has made me look at my choices and reconsider my viewpoints." Wouldn't it be nice to hear that? Instead of STILL trying to be cute and clever?

Probst wants to know what Bill thinks of Colton's comments. Bill says that he can forgive some of the comments that Colton made as part of his strategy, but he can't really forgive the things he said in interviews to the camera that none of his tribe mates would see until the show aired. Colton interrupts because he can't stand not being the focus, even when we're talking about how awful he is and says that he was out of his comfort zone. Oh, poor baby. I'm sure you were the only one out of your comfort zone and everyone else managed to refrain from spewing vile trash. The only person I've ever seen actually comfortable in the show's setting is Ozzy.

Then we have to extend the segment even more as Probst goes to talk to Colton's mom. Once he finds her in the audience, she says that she wants to tell Colton that's not how he was raised and she's not proud of the things he said. She thinks he was trying to play a game and he hurt a lot of people. And then SHE apologizes for anyone that he offended, which he should have done in the first place and then Colton makes those stupid Taylor Swift fucking heart hands, like OF COURSE HE DOES. Ugh. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! Before she sits down, his mom says that she does love him and she's proud of him living his dream, but he needs to remember that people have feelings and the money's not worth it in the end. She seems like a nice lady. How did she produce Colton? Maybe his dad's a dick. Or his housekeeper. Then Probst tries to get her to say that they are obviously accepting because they accepted Colton being gay, but his mom says that not everyone in the family accepted him immediately.

Hey, who else can we talk to in the audience? How about Mayam Bialik? She's a huge fan of the show and she thinks Colton is complex and fabulous but she also wanted to see Colton stick around to see him get his just desserts. Well, I would have enjoyed that. Mayim thinks he should play again. Sit down, Blossom and go sleep with your kids in your bed until they are fourteen. Some random guy in the audience says that he doesn't hate Colton, he hates the character and compares him to Russell. People in the audience disagree. Hey, I hate both of them! Why not bring up someone like Boston Rob, who is hated and loved by many. He's a "love to hate" guy that some people came around to "love" and some people still "hate." The one thing that makes me so mad about this show is their reliance on people like fucking Rupert or Coach or Ozzy or Russell because they think that we the audience love those guys. Colton's final statement is that he's sorry for those he hurt and offended and he loves everybody, even Christina. Christina the doormat blows him kisses because you can kick her in the stomach and she will apologize to you.

Also, Colton got fat. So that happened.

Now it's time to talk about Tarzan. He was gross. He may have had poop stains in his underwear. He wore Kat's panties on his head. And yet, his wife loves him a lot. Probst starts out by asking him how he got the name Tarzan. He says that he "inherited" it, which doesn't mean what he's saying it means. He didn't get it from someone else named Tarzan. Probst wants to know if Tarzan is really a plastic surgeon and Tarzan is all weird as usual and says that he is but he was acting on the show. Ugh, he just makes me tired. Probst refers to his "love affair" with his wife and Tarzan objects to the word "affair" like he's an expert in using words that have exact meanings for the situation or something. Then Probst talks to Tarzan's wife and I don't know if she has implants, but she's got some giant knockers. Also, her hair is really inappropriate for her age. Turns out she's almost as weird and annoying as Tarzan. They're in love and they've been together for thirty years. I don't know why everyone's acting like thirty years is the greatest accomplishment known to the human race. Good Lord. And then they make a sex joke and I'm done.

You know who else was kooky? Kat. She liked to do goofy dances. She's wearing a strapless dress tonight that is super unflattering to her rack. Probst asks her if she's crazy or emotional, as she revealed in her jury speech. She gives a speech about how she's "full on kitten swag, yeah." Probst asks about the heart surgery and Kat says she's healthy right now, which didn't really answer the question.

Probst asks Alicia about her comment about Christina being like one of her special needs students. Alicia gets really emotional and says that she hates that it came out that way. She starts crying when she talks about how much she loves her students and she knows that she crossed a line with what she said and she's sorry. That was a decent apology. I don't know that Alicia is any more humble than she was on the show, but I do believe that she knows what she said was wrong. Unlike, say, Colton. I'm still not sure he really understands why what he said was wrong.

Probst comes back from break and reminds us that people have been voting on Fan Favorite and now it's time to announce the winner. He jokes that Colton might win and Colton at least knows it's a joke. But there were four people who got the most votes: Kim, Tarzan, Troy and Chelsea. Probst immediately eliminates Chelsea and Tarzan and then Kim beats out Troy, which I enjoyed way too much. She seems shocked.

Probst wants to talk to Troy, who is probably pouting a little bit. Probst sums up his season by saying he was popular at first and then he got a little crazy at the end, but guess where Probst has been talking to people? In the countryside? In the mountains? Nope! On the street! And people on the street (can you hear that without singing "Under Pressure"?) loved Troy! They did? What street is Probst walking down? Can we shut that street down permanently? Troy lies that people told him that he played the game the best of anyone ever (his mom, probably) and compared him to Richard Hatch (no). Probst shuts him up by saying that he may have been seen as a great player, but there were a bunch of people who outplayed him.

Probst wants to know if Leif felt like he was representing little people. Leif says he did and it hurt when Colton said such awful things, but he's also had a huge outpouring of support and he wishes his wife a Happy Mother's Day. Leif has a wife? He seems so dull.

How about Monica? Probst wants to know what her husband's reaction was when she did something for herself. Monica says that she chased her husband around college and NFL stadiums for years and she was glad to do something for herself. And then she says that she loved smelling her husband when she got home, which is a weird way to say she missed him, kind of?

By Kim

Bill! He's a stand-up comic. And he did stand-up last night in front of all the contestants. Have I mentioned that Bill is dressed as an extra from Patrick Dempsey's seminal vehicle, Can't Buy Me Love? He would fit right in during the jungle dance scene.

Probst wants to know if Christina felt bullied. She says that she came out strong in the beginning of the game, but then Matt got voted out and she realized that she needed to step back. She says that she took the insults as part of the game. I wanted Probst to ask her why she just rolled over and gave up at the end. Or ever. I get wanting to lie low -- that was kind of Sabrina's strategy too. But then Christina had a shot at the finals and just gave up? I will never understand that. Or why she just let those people walk all over her.

What is the twist season (for those of you who have never read the Internet)? Sometimes people on the show get medically evacuated. Probst says that some have paid the ultimate price, which I would think would be their lives, but he's referring to the fact that they had to leave the game. Anyway, three people who were previously medically evacuated will be returning to join the new set of castaways. And if you really want to know who the three are, use Google or check out forums. It's not confirmed, but it's pretty close.

And that's a wrap! Oh, wait. My favorite moment was after he thought the cameras were off, Colton stood up and walked to the front to hug Kim and he's wearing his stupid mint green polo shirt and his giant belly is just hanging out for the world to see. That was pretty satisfying. Normally I don't go in for body shaming, but he was so, so awful. See you season!

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