The Facts of Life

S25E01

Aaaaand, we're back! The castaways are divided up into three tribes before they even hit the beach, and their numbers include former professional baseball player Jeff Kent and Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel. And, the surprise additions are three former cast members who had to leave the show due to injuries: Russell (who passed out during a challenge and I remember thinking was dead, so I'm glad he's okay), Jonathan Penner (who got a life-threatening infection on his second time around, so this is try number three) and the one everyone remembers, Michael Skupin, who passed out in the second season and fell in the fire. Ugh, I will never forget those images of him standing in the water with the skin from his hands just falling off. Gross.

Russell joins the blue tribe, Matsing. Penner joins the red tribe, Kalabaw (Jeff Kent's tribe). Michael joins the yellow tribe, Tandang (Lisa Whelchel's tribe). Once the returnees are introduced and assigned a tribe, Probst tells them to grab supplies and hop on a raft. It's fairly chaotic and the rafts are not big, but they all manage to grab a few things and head to their camps. Jeff Kent twists his knee in the process.

Russell immediately tells his tribe that he doesn't want to be their leader, but then gets busy telling everyone else what to do. The two young pretty people, Marcus and Angie (I think?) are a little annoyed by Russell but understand the value of letting him hang himself out to dry.

The people on Penner's tribe all agree that they should ditch him fairly early, but we'll see if they follow through. One of them immediately recognizes Jeff Kent but doesn't say anything yet. Penner starts searching for an Immunity Idol right away, which pisses off his tribe, but given how they plan on getting rid of him immediately, maybe he shouldn't care. He finds the first clue immediately.

Skupin's tribemates immediately form an alliance of four (Abi, Pete, Skupin, and RC). Let's not forget that alliances formed early have been really important in the past few seasons, especially last season. They want to get rid of Lisa Whelchel. Skupin immediately recognizes Lisa but doesn't say anything. Everyone else seems to be too young, I guess? Although she's been on television recently between the books she's written and her Christian ministry stuff. She is a Survivor superfan, too. Skupin kind of can't believe that his alliance-mates don't know who Lisa is, and he urges her to tell people because everyone wants to get rid of her. But she doesn't think it's prudent yet. Skupin's tribe is also concerned because Skupin has maybe four pretty serious cuts early on.

Back on Russell's tribe, things are crazy. Zane goes around and makes individual alliances with each of the women, then makes a three-man alliance with Malcolm and Russell and says that he can pull in any of the women if needed. Malcolm thinks that's shady, so HE makes an alliance with the older woman, Denise. I need a flow chart to track all the alliances on this tribe and it's still the first day, I think. Russell finds the immunity clue first, but Zane spots him trying to read it and Russell lies about it.

The first immunity challenge is a relay race run in pairs, tied together. The first pair runs into the jungle and finds paddles. The second pair paddles out and finds a chest, and brings it back to shore. The third pair opens the chest and assembles a puzzle. First place gets immunity and a firemaking kit. Second place gets immunity and flint. Third places had to vote someone out.

Have I mentioned how happy I am that this season takes place on water and we get to see swimming and paddling challenges again? I'm really happy. The yellow team (Skupin's tribe) leads the whole way. The red team (Penner's tribe) falls behind after the first leg but makes up ground on the second leg, leaving the blue team (Russell's tribe) in last place for puzzle assembly. Red and yellow battle it out, but red finishes the puzzle seconds ahead of yellow. Lisa seems to do a great job with the puzzle for yellow, which may have helped her standing. Russell was the one who chose roles for his team, and people ended up in roles they didn't want, so they blame him for the loss.

After the challenge, Russell tries to give everyone a pep talk but Zane cuts him off and says, "I suck and you should vote me off." This is a strategy somehow? Russell mansplains to all of the women that they should vote Zane off, which only annoys them more. Angie begs Zane to stay, and so does Malcolm. They think Russell has an idol, though. Whether it's for that reason, or because Zane basically volunteered to go, the tribe votes off Zane and he's the first to leave.

Probst voiceovers a lesson for all of us about the Philippines, this season's location, as we get to see him piloting a motor boat through the water. There are beautiful and dangerous animals there! Also furious storms! That arrive without warning! That sounds like my toddlers. They are beautiful and dangerous with furious storms that arrive without warning. I do feel like I'm on Survivor most days.

Let's meet some contestants: Jeff Kent was a professional baseball player! That no one liked! I do remember listening to the Jim Rome show randomly on the day the story came out where he claimed he got hurt washing his car. Turned out he was riding a motorcycle or a dirtbike or something and he didn't want to admit it because he wasn't supposed to be engaging in such activities. I didn't make the connection until someone in the forums posted about it. Another contestant is named Zane, and he's a runty scabby-looking dude who points out that one of his many tattoos is Frankenstein. Well, it's actually Frankenstein's monster, to get all pedantic about it. Anyway, Zane claims that Frankenstein picked a flower for a little girl, but then he strangled her, and he can show either emotion, depending on how people treat him. Comforting.

Another new contestant: Lisa aka Lisa Whelchel aka Blair from The Facts of Life. For you youngsters, The Facts of Life was a spinoff from Diff'rent Strokes, where the housekeeper, Mrs. Garrett, went to be the headmistress at a girls' boarding school. And eventually, the show focused on four girls: Natalie (chubby one), Tootie (the African-American one), Jo (the lesbian, but back then she was known as the tomboy, but come on) and Blair (the rich snooty one). Anyway, it was a show I watched incessantly, although I always hated Blair. Lisa has gone on to write a book about child-rearing that advocated the practice of hot-saucing children's tongues, which is controversial to say the least. And yet, she's not going to tell anyone that she's sort of famous. If she really wanted to go undercover, she might have considered changing her hairstyle; it looks exactly like Blair's used to.

Probst reminds us that this is an exciting game, but also a dangerous one, and we get a montage of people puking, fainting, and getting otherwise injured. And what the new castaways don't know is that three former players who were medically evacuated are returning to play again. Those three are: Russell Swan, who fainted during a challenge and hit his chin on a wooden maze. And then his eyes rolled up in his head and he wasn't responding to questions. I recapped that episode, and I really thought he was dead. The is Jonathan Penner, who got evacuated due to an infection during Fans Vs. Favorites. They don't mention that he played in a season prior to that and got voted out, so it's not like he never got a chance to finish the game. Anyway, I like Penner, so I'm not going to complain. And finally, probably the most famous and memorable medical evacuation was Michael Skupin in the second season, when he fell into the fire. They show the footage of Skupin in the water with skin falling from his hands and hey, look it's Elisabeth Hasselbeck, before we all hated her! Anyway, all three are returning and really want to win. Unlike the other contestants, who are just there for the LOLs, I guess.

By Kim

Probst pulls up to the Barge of Contestants on his motor boat and hops aboard. The contestants have already been split into three tribes, and Probst asks Jeff Kent what he thinks about that. Keep in mind, Jeff Kent hasn't told anyone he's Jeff Kent yet - I just like calling him that, because it reminds me of Steve Holt. Anyway, Jeff Kent is anxious about there being three tribes, because if you go to Tribal Council, your odds aren't as good. Dumb jock do math good! Zane adds that he's happy with three tribes, as long as there aren't any celebrities. Lisa looks nervous. Probst asks Roxanne a very leading question about people getting injured, and Roxanne recounts Russell's departure, although she doesn't know his name. Probst uses this as an opening to reveal that there are three returning players, and then the returnees join them on the barge. Probst introduces each of them and then sends Russell to the blue tribe, Penner to the red tribe, and Skupin to the yellow tribe. Skupin immediately recognizes Lisa as Blair, and almost calls her that, but manages to contain himself. Skupin tells Probst that he's thrilled to be there, and then Probst reminds them that Hidden Immunity Idols are in play this season, but that's all the information they're getting for now.

With all of the introductions out of the way, Probst tells them that the boat is loaded with supplies, so they will now have sixty seconds to grab what they can, get a raft, and get overboard. Everyone scrambles as Probst lists off all the goodies they don't have enough time to grab: fruit, chickens (no, really), wood. Penner suggests that his team get a machete if possible, which Probst characterizes as "Penner yelling out instructions." As time runs down, things get more chaotic, and Probst tells the teams to drop their rafts. Some of them untie their rafts with items on there, and the items sink to the bottom of the ocean. This includes a chicken in a cage, and I hope someone saved it, because while I don't have a problem with them eating the chicken, I do have a problem with them drowning it for no reason. I'm weird that way. Jeff Kent has one foot on the raft as Penner shoves it into the water, and he falls overboard and twists his knee on the way down. Probst counts down to when they have to get off the boat, and Penner asked a question earlier that Probst didn't answer: what happens if they don't make it in time? Is there a penalty? Anyway, everyone gets off the boat, and many supplies sink to the bottom of the ocean.

One guy in red pants makes a dive for one of the chickens and then tosses it to a woman on a raft before he hits the water; it was actually quite impressive. The chicken cage also made it onto a raft, so hopefully that chicken didn't drown. The three teams split up to head to their separate beaches. Jeff Kent tells his team that something happened to his knee, but he doesn't know how bad it is yet. He interviews that he's worried that if his teammates smell blood, they'll kick him off first.

Russell's tribe, the blue tribe, Matsing, lands on their beach. Russell immediately gives a big speech about how he is definitely not going to take a leadership role, and he doesn't care what they decide to do. Then he orders them to get all their supplies in order. Doesn't giving a big speech telling everyone what to do constitute taking a leadership role? Russell interviews that his plan is to throw leadership to the one dumb guy who doesn't realize you don't want to be a leader in this game. Then Russell goes around and instructs everyone how to build a shelter. The two young pretty people, Malcolm (who looks like a cross between Jason Mewes and Tim Riggins) and Angie, grumble about how Russell is telling everyone what to do.

Russell gathers everyone together and tells them that they need to get their shelter in order before starting fire, if anyone wants to start one. Malcolm volunteers that he knows how to start a fire because he lived in Micronesia for a year. Malcolm, Russell, and Zane get down to business and start a fire. Malcolm is really the one who gives the instructions, but somehow Russell ends up taking credit for it. Malcolm is happy to let Russell have the credit because it takes the target off his back.

The red tribe, Penner's tribe, Kalabaw, lands on their beach. Jeff Kent is still lamenting his knee problem, but he's trying to hide it from his tribe. They immediately get to work on their shelter. Then Penner goes for a swim by himself and the rest of his tribe talk and agree that they don't want to let a veteran win, so they'll take Penner's information and then cut him loose.

And finally, the yellow tribe, Skupin's tribe, Tandang, lands on their beach. RC and Abi walk into the forest to scope out a shelter location and immediately click and form an alliance. RC lies and says that she's an executive assistant instead of the truth, that she's an investment banker. I don't ever understand these kinds of lies. No one cares, lady. Anyway, they agree that Pete is dumb. He's an engineering student. So they gather Pete into their alliance too, and then agree to bring in Skupin and have an alliance of four. Skupin agrees to join them, and while he's worried that they're moving too fast, he also doesn't want to be left behind.

Jeff Kent works with the women on his tribe, and reveals that he has a ranch in Texas. I kind of love this one girl, Dana, who says that she doesn't see anyone else on her tribe with tattoos and punky hairstyles, so she decides to emphasize her Southern roots and bond with people that way. She adds that she would beat up any boy in the trailer park, so she's tough. I love her so far. Jeff Kent interviews an explanation of why he's not talking about his baseball playing past - he worries that people will think he doesn't deserve the money because he made millions playing sports. One of the ladies on his tribe, Dawson, interviews that she totally knows who Jeff Kent is, but he's obviously hiding it, so she's saving her knowledge for when it might be useful. I like her too. That's smart.

Some of the ladies on Tandang are standing in the water: RC, Abi, and Lisa. The younger women encourage Lisa to take off some clothes, since she's standing there in jeans and a shirt, but she doesn't want to do that. She interviews that she's keeping her fame under wraps because she doesn't want people to think she doesn't deserve the money. I have to say, if you can make it to the finals, that doesn't seem to come up. I mean, look at Boston Rob. People care more about how you treated others in the game, and how well your strategy worked. Anyway, Lisa tells the women that she has a "ministry for moms" and then interviews that she lost all the money she made from being on television in the stock market crash in the late '80s. She also adds that she wants to use this opportunity to find herself and who she really is. What if she's a loser? Does she really want to know that? Well, I guess you take the good and you take the bad. Whew! Okay, got that one out of the way.

Lisa stays behind while the rest of her tribe goes off to do God knows what. Lisa is going to try to start a fire. RC interviews that Lisa is pretty and old and she doesn't really hang with the rest of them, so they don't trust her. They've known each other for all of a day and RC has already shunned Lisa? I mean, just admit that you don't like her because she's old. Let's not pretend it's for any strategic reason. RC explains this to Skupin, who interviews that Lisa is famous worldwide (was, Michael, was) and he thinks the younger people on the tribe would be starstruck if she revealed her identity. He adds that they might be too young to care, though, and I think that's the case. Imagine if she was like, "I have to tell you all a secret. I played Blair on Facts of Life." And everyone just stared at her like she was talking another language. Because if any of them had seen the show at all, ever, they would have already recognized her. She looks exactly the same. I mean, older, but exactly the same.

By Kim

That night, Lisa and Skupin are alone in the jungle, and he tells her that he recognized her instantly. Lisa explains that her strategy is to keep her identity under wraps, and if they merge with another tribe and it comes up, she'll reveal it then. She adds that she has been honest about what she's doing now and it's not like everyone else has gotten into their pasts either. That's a justification. It's just going to be weird if she makes it to a merge and someone yells out, "Blair! How's Tootie?" and she has to explain the whole thing. Everyone will wonder why she's hiding it and it'll be a big deal. It would be so much better if she just told the younger people, "Look, I was on a sitcom when I was a kid, I doubt any of you have ever even seen it, but some of the older people playing probably have, so I just wanted to let you know in case they recognize me." She could even bring Skupin into it and say that she didn't think it mattered but then he recognized her so she wanted to come clean so it didn't seem like she was hiding anything. Now it's a Thing with a capital-T. Anyway, Skupin tries to encourage her to come clean in case it might help her game, without revealing that everyone wants to get rid of her.

Tandang Tribe. It's day two and they don't have shelter, so Skupin decides to step up and make it happen. Unfortunately, his method of making it happen means whacking at things with machetes, and he gets a cut on his finger. Then he gets a pretty large cut on his head. Granted, head scrapes tend to bleed more than anywhere else, but it's kind of gross. And then he comes hobbling up from the shore with a giant cut on his foot. It's pretty deep. So Skupin is accident-prone, although he claims he's not. Skupin interviews that he tends to act first and think later. Moment later, he picking at a coconut with a machete and cuts his finger. Seriously, he has no idea how to do things safely. His tribemates joke around, but I'm starting to understand how he fell in the fire.

Kalabaw. They must not have shelter yet either, because they're all hanging out under a natural rock overhang. Everyone, that is, except Penner, who is out searching for a Hidden Immunity Idol. His tribemates are not happy that he's out searching. First, I don't see anything stopping them from searching also, except maybe the rain. And second, why is it shady? It's perhaps not that smart from a social standpoint, but he's just playing the game. I don't know why everyone is so down on him for doing it. One girl, Katie, claims that their tribe is a family. Oh my GOD! It's the second day. Get some perspective. Anyway, Penner searches and searches in all the obvious places and then gets the idea to search in their bag of rice. And he finds a clue! I never thought it would be in there. The clue is not helpful at all, other than that it says that it's close. I wonder if the idol is the big symbol on top of the bucket of rice.

Over at Matsang, Russell is getting ready to make some rice. He gets advice on the rice to water ratio, and while he's scooping out rice, he finds the Hidden Immunity Clue. He slips it in his pocket and walks down the beach to read it privately. Except he's not nearly as private as he thinks, since Zane spots him reading it. Oops. So then Zane comes up and asks if Russell is looking for it, and Russell not only denies he was looking, but he also says that if he sees someone looking for it, he'll vote that person out. Wow, that was a terrible lie. So now Zane is sure that Russell has the Idol.

Challenge time! Woo hoo! The challenges are my favorite part of the show, usually. Anyway, the three tribes have painted their faces, some more successfully than others. Probst explains the challenge. They will be divided into pairs. The first pair is tied together and runs into the jungle to retrieve a pair of paddles. The second pair takes the paddles and maneuvers out to a chest tied to the ocean floor, and bring the chest back. The third pair opens the chest and uses the pieces to solve a puzzle. The tribe that finishes first gets immunity plus a firemaking kit. Second place gets immunity and flint. Third place gets bupkes and has to go to Tribal Council.

Probst gives them a few minutes to decide their pairs. The women on Matsing want to be the runners, but Russell mansplains to them that they need to calm down and let him take charge. But he doesn't want to be a leader! So don't get it twisted! Russell says that he's terrible at puzzles and he's more physical. Angie says she's the same and so does Roxanne, but Russell shuts them down and says, "You two do the puzzle." They can't even argue with him, I guess? They don't, anyway.

So the first leg is running into the jungle and retrieving oars while tied to your partner. The yellow team returns to the beach first, with Russell and Zane right behind, but Zane is dying and can't run, and Russell has to pull him the last hundred feet. The red team is way behind but I think they backloaded their team and purposely put the weakest links first. In fact, the red team catches up to the blue team in the water, and the blue team takes FOREVER to get their chest back up to the beach. Yellow is first to start their puzzle, with red not too far behind. Blue now has a huge deficit. And red has Penner doing their puzzle, and we know he's great at them. Lisa turns out to be great at puzzles for yellow, and it's tight between yellow and red, right down to the last piece. But the red team, Kalabaw, finishes first. Yellow, Tandang, is seconds behind. So that means the blue team, Matsing, will be going to Tribal Council. Angie snipes that she said she wasn't good at puzzles. Probst asks Matsing about their loss and Russell tries to say something philosophical about how they'll have to do better time but Probst reminds him that, for one of them, there won't be a time. I can't quite figure out how it's gone so badly for Russell so quickly. He obviously had good intentions starting out, but he's subverted himself at every turn.

Back at camp, Russell sees fit to give his tribe another speech about how to win at challenges, because he's an expert somehow? Zane tells everyone that he's learned that you have to give it your all at challenges and he's learned that he just can't. He basically tells everyone to vote him off. He says that he deserves it. In an interview, Zane says that this was all a ruse and he hopes that everyone loves him enough to keep him. Huh? How is that a strategy? If this were Dan from Big Brother, I might believe it would work, but Zane just seems confused. Especially because he says that he's playing chess the best way he knows how, and he hopes they will king him. But in chess, you don't... in checkers, you... I just can't.

Russell goes for a walk with Angie and Roxanne and says that he thinks it's going to be Zane, so they're safe. I love how Russell thinks that he gets to decide who goes home. Angie interviews that she's sick of Russell's bullshit. As soon as Russell leaves the two girls, they talk about how annoyed they are by Russell's tactics, and how he forced them to do puzzles just because he didn't want to do it. Angie interviews that she knows that Zane volunteered to go, but she likes Zane and she hates Russell. So then Angie goes up to Zane and basically begs him to recant his statement about wanting to get voted out. Zane interviews that this is his plan. He might want to tell a few people about that.

Zane and Malcolm talk in the jungle alone. Malcolm says that he'll send Zane home if that's what Zane wants, but he really wants to get rid of Russell. Zane, instead of just accepting that offer, then reveals that he's pretty sure Russell has the Immunity Idol. Oh, Zane. Why tell anyone that? Let them vote for Russell, and maybe he won't play it, but at least they will flush it out. And maybe a few people throw a vote to someone else and you get to stay! Malcolm interviews that they think Russell has an Idol, and he's hesitant to vote Russell out because he's strong and they need that strength to win challenges. Denise interviews that she's torn too, because she likes Zane, but he's weak and might be weighing their tribe down. Russell has the final word in an interview, where he acknowledges that he made a mistake going into "chief mode" at the challenge, and he hopes it doesn't mean he's going home.

Tribal Council. Probst starts by asking Denise about having an experienced player on board, and Denise says that his advice was invaluable. Zane says something that makes no sense about the game being an onion. Probst asks him to explain but I think Zane's point is that the more time they spend with Russell, the more they realize that Russell is way better than them. Probst wonders if Russell is worried that his tribe is threatened by him, and Russell is, but he also apologizes for being a dictator in the challenge.

Malcolm says that Russell was a jerk, but they've all talked about it and hopefully have cleared things up. Roxanne explains that she has a military background, so when Russell started barking orders, she shut down and fell in line, even though she disagreed. Angie also voices her dissent, and says that Russell told her it would be her fault if they lost. Russell starts to argue the point, and then catches his snap and says that he admits to being a jerk, and he hopes people will remember all the non-challenge time they spent together. Of course, they were all annoyed with him before the challenge even began, but he doesn't know that.

By Kim

Zane tells Probst that he quit smoking the day he came on the show, and his stamina is probably not the best. Probst asks Denise if there's a responsibility for challenge performances, and Denise says that there is, but some people were also assigned roles they didn't want. Zane interrupts to reveal that he told everyone to vote him off if they think he will hold them back in challenges. Probst tells Russell that he's off the box, since Zane volunteered to go home, and Russell says that he's not taking anything for granted. Angie and Roxanne are both rolling their eyes while Russell talks. Anyway, it's time to vote.

Probst tallies the votes and asks if anyone wants to play a Hidden Immunity Idol. No one does. The first vote is for Zane, from Russell. The second vote is for Russell, from Zane. The rest are all for Zane. Russell actually looks surprised. Everyone else looks sad. Probst gives the remaining five tribe members flint and sends them back to their camp. Well, I think Zane got a little crazy with the strategy. He overthought it a little bit. He should have taken the temperature of the tribe before volunteering to go home, especially since everyone is looking for an easy out their first time to Tribal.