Probst immediately divides the new castaways into male and female tribes, and then gives them sixty seconds to grab supplies from a truck. The women don't notice that one of the men, Mike, is stealing stuff from their pile, which is really smart, although once the women figure it out, they don't think it's great. Probst sends the tribes off to their camps and WOMP WOMMMMMP there's only one camp! Which we already knew, since it's been on every preview and in every article written about the season.
The first conflict comes early; there are chickens running around camp and the men and women agree to work together to catch two, with each tribe getting one. Except one of the women (Chelsea) ends up with two chickens and instead of handing one over immediately, she decides to negotiate, which pisses the men off. The women try to get fire from the men in return for the chicken. And then they try to steal fire right in front of everyone. And then they try just asking for fire and hoping they can flirt it out of them. , two of the women sneak over at night while the men are sleeping and steal some fire, but they can't keep it going. Finally, Christina makes a deal that the women will weave twenty palm fronds in return for fire, which the men accept. Some of her tribemates are not happy, because she seems to be making alliances with the men.
Also, Colton the Gay (that's practically how they chyron him) would rather hang out with the ladies than the men, although he tells Matt the Dickhead Lawyer that he'll serve as a go-between/spy.
Sabrina finds a Hidden Immunity Idol, but it's pre-designated for the men's tribe, so she has to give it to one of them. She gives it to Colton, because they all know that he'll be the first voted off, which is SO DUMB. He is not someone you need as an ally and giving him the Idol isn't going to win you any favors.
The Challenge is a very basic obstacle course, with the winning tribe getting immunity and flint, and the losers going to Tribal Council. Courtney lands poorly when jumping onto a net and hurts her wrist badly enough that they have to pull her out of the game and do an X-ray. The men are way ahead when this happens. Probst gives them the option that either the women can forfeit, or if the men want, they can finish the challenge and let the chips fall where they may. The men choose to take immunity and the women call their manhood into question for it, like assholes. I mean, I guess it's good strategy to do that, but of COURSE the men are going to take immunity. Why wouldn't they? And who can blame them?
At Tribal Council, Christina (who comes off as kind of a bully) and Alicia (who comes off as kind of a dummy) get in a fight over what happened with the men to get fire, like a yelling and screaming match. Yikes. Probst tells them that Courtney broke her wrist in a few places and needs surgery, so she's out of the game, and they don't need to vote anyone out tonight. Probst gives them a little lecture about getting some structure for their tribe and pulling together, gives them flint, pats them all on their heads, and sends them off.
Dramatic music. Google Earth zoom-in on the "new" location -- it's the same as last season. Probst flies overhead in a helicopter as the new castaways are delivered to their new home in a truck. Let's meet some of the hopefuls, shall we? Young Guy in a Green Shirt says that girls love him and guys don't see him as a threat, either because he's non-athletic or because he's gay or both. He doesn't specify what exactly makes him so unthreatening. Melissa Rivers with Giant Boobs in Leopard Dress says that if one of the guys likes her, she will play him. Iron Chef thinks people will underestimate him because he's a sushi chef. Probst tells us that the castaways think they know what's about to happen, but they don't, because this season they will be divided into two tribes but live in the same camp. WHAT??? Oh, they totally already told us that in every promo for the season. That's right.
OMG, Probst thinks he is such a stud by standing on the outside of the helicopter and addressing the camera and then the helicopter totally does a hard bank right and he just chills like it's no big deal. Wow, does he love himself and his huge balls.
Probst manages to fit his giant balls back into the helicopter before it lands, and he exits. He tells the contestants to join him on the beach, and then he starts questioning them. Is he going to sing "Lose Yourself" by Eminem like he did last season? No, he really did that, just not on camera. What a twat. Anyway, he addresses a lady named Kourtney who is wearing a knit cap shaped like a penguin. My two-year-old twins have hats like that, and I wasn't even sure if it was age-appropriate for them, much less a grown lady. So she's "quirky." Her hero is probably Zooey Deschanel. Anyway, Probst asks her if she feels like she fits in with this group of people that she hasn't been allowed to speak to yet, and she says no, but she hopes to make that a good thing. She doesn't explain how she will do that and Probst doesn't ask.
Probst moves on to talk to Colton, the gay guy in the green shirt who talked earlier. He says that there are some good-looking guys, but none as good-looking as him. Note: he's not all that good looking. But that's his shtick. Probst talks to some older dude named Greg Tarzan, who plans on going by Tarzan, and Colton says he can swing from trees and get him coconuts. Everyone laughs. Don't encourage him. Uh oh... we get an interview from another older guy, who says that his name is Troyzan. No, it's not. It's Troy. This season has already exceeded it's daily allotment of goofballs and lunatics and we've only met like five contestants.
Probst is done asking questions and tells everyone to divide into tribes: men versus women. Colton's face falls. He interviews that he knows that he's "the girl on the guys' tribe." Lest you think that's the worst of the people playing into stereotypes in this episode, just wait. You will continue to be disappointed. Because then Probst points out that the women are all happy and excited while the men look glum. One of the women says that everyone knows that men can't survive without women. RIGHT? I mean, who will cook for them and do their laundry? Ugh. Troy counters that the women are all talk and the men won't have any problems with anything. Well, I'm convinced!
Probst tells them their tribe names (men: Manono, women: Solani) and then reveals that they will have sixty seconds to remove whatever supplies they can from the truck to take to their camps. They all clamber up onto the truck like a bunch of ants and start throwing things down. Um... not like ants, which don't throw things, at least as far as I've seen. While the women are distracted by their attempt to remove a bundle of bamboo poles, one of the guys (Michael, we later learn) runs over and takes an axe and a crate of cookware from the women's pile. Opinions will vary on whether that was an ethical move, but I know that it was a smart one. The women should have been paying more attention, especially after Probst told them to watch their items after Michael took the axe and they ignored him. And also, they were all trying to get the stupid bamboo poles and probably missed out on other things.
Time is up and the tribes convene near their piles of stuff. The women notice their axe is missing. Probst notes that they have coconuts and bananas and not much else. The women realize that some of the guys took their stuff and they're pissed. Michael plays it off like he's not sure what happened, because he's no dummy. This will all be forgotten in the mists of time. What's hilarious is that Michael is a banker, so he's used to unethical behavior I guess. Probst tells them that Hidden Immunity Idols are in play but Redemption Island is not, and then tosses them maps. Michael jokes that they need a woman to help them read their map -- like, stop trying to suck up, dude. Probst sends them in opposite directions even though we know they are going to end up in the same place. But they don't know that. Yet.
Chelsea, who looks like a younger Faith Hill, says that she's not intimidated by the men's muscles, because if the women stick together, they will be "one big ball of badassness." But not one big ball of actual words that exist in the English language.
As the men walk to their camp laden with heavy supplies, Tarzan interviews that they had to walk "hundreds of miles" while carrying "tons of supplies" and they each lost "ten pounds in water weight." At least he's consistent with his hyperbole. Jonas (Iron Chef) interviews that he was trying to act tough but he was out of breath; however, he was really impressed by Leif, who is a little person but was carrying the heaviest weight (a chicken coop filled with firewood) without complaint.
The women are also struggling to carry their equipment to camp. Kourtney interviews that all women are crazy, and they can seem warm and accepting and then stab you in the back. Because men never do that. Don't even get me started on the gross generalizations in this episode, because I will never stop. Alicia interviews that the hike showed who the strong women were: her, Kim, Chelsea, and Sabrina. There are nice pop-up identifiers as she names each woman. More of that, please. Then I don't have to wait for an interview to find out people's names. Alicia says that Kat was weak and annoying, but she knew it. I don't know what that means, but I think it says more about Alicia than Kat. Anyway, Chelsea and Alicia make an alliance that also includes Kim, Sabrina, and Kat and that's it. Done. Kim and Sabrina confirm the alliance. Kim interviews that when the men stole their stuff, it got the women all fired up to work together. So that will probably last. Then again, last season an alliance was formed on the first night that lasted until the end, so what do I know?
The women arrive at their camp first and -- wait, what's this? Their flag is there, but so is the men's flag! They're all camping together! I know it's tough to keep things under wraps, but I feel like this whole segment would have been more interesting if we didn't know about it ahead of time. The men arrive and also express confusion and dismay, especially about whether they're expected to share their supplies.
Both tribes notice that there are chickens running about, at least four of them. They informally decide to work together to catch some; Chelsea and Matt specifically agree to split whatever they catch. Eventually, Chelsea somehow ends up with two chickens, one in each hand. So then Matt's like, "Which one are you giving me?" and Chelsea's like, "Let me talk to my girls." Ooh, that's kind of wrong. It's the first night; no one is desperate for chicken. In fact, they probably should have waited and caught the chickens later since they don't exactly have a deep freeze to store the slaughtered chickens and the guys broke their one chicken coop. Chelsea wants to negotiate for something the women need. Matt interviews that he's not the kind of guy who's going to worry about keeping the women happy (what kind of guy does worry about that?), and Chelsea should give him the chicken "as an apology." An apology for what? Being women? Daring to try to use the chicken as a negotiating tool to get back supplies that the men stole from them? Now I'm totally on the women's side.
While the women decide what to do with their embarrassment of chicken riches, the men get to stepping on building a shelter and chopping wood. Colton sits around and feels useless and explains via interview that he'd rather hang out with the women, because they fuss over him and love him. Yeah, he needs to get over that soon because it's going to be a WHILE before they merge and he needs to make friends on his own tribe. Matt interviews that no one cares that Colton is gay, but they do care that he's not even making an effort to fit in with his own tribe. So somehow Colton and Matt have a conversation where Matt asks Colton to be a runner and filter information about the women's tribe to him. That's a great idea -- Colton should have come up with it on his own, though. Colton interviews that Matt is condescending and arrogant and thinks he's running the show. Well, given that Matt already has at least four friends on his own tribe and Colton has none, I'd say that Matt is a lot closer to running things at this point. Does Colton understand how this game works?
Matt, Mike, Jay, and Bill are wandering around with no shirts on, flirting with the women. Matt explains in his interview (how long was this interview, exactly? This feels like the tenth clip from it) that, in the beginning, the strong people always stay on Survivor to help the team win challenges, so he's made an alliance with the other "young, fit guys" (Mike, Jay, and Bill). Leif seems pretty fit, but he's short, so I guess he doesn't count. Matt claims that his group is "clearly" the dominant alliance. How does he know this? I think his arrogance is going to be his downfall. I kind of can't wait.
Christina and Monica are trying to start a fire. Monica is also holding one of the chickens, which is still alive and trying hard to escape. That just seems mean. I get that they don't want to kill the chicken until they have a fire, because otherwise it might spoil, but the poor thing is terrified. Anyway, Colton and Sabrina wander up and Colton begs them to help him stick around by giving him any clues they find for the Hidden Immunity Idol. He doesn't really offer anything in return for his help other than his company, and I'm not convinced that's enough at this point. The women seem to find him charming, though.
Jay knows how to start a fire. So he does, pretty quickly. He interviews (in a voice that sounds oddly like a Hantz) that he wants nothing to do with the women, since they've made it clear that they aren't interested in sharing their resources either.
Sabrina notices the smoke and wanders over to the men's side for a chat. The men just stare at her, awkwardly. Sabrina proposes that they swap a chicken for someone coming over and starting a fire for them. Matt says that they already have a deal to get a chicken and it didn't involve fire-starting. Instead of pointing out that possession is nine-tenths of the law or whatever, Sabrina just says, "Okay, we'll see." If Matt wants a chicken, he needs to learn to negotiate. But I'm guessing he just doesn't want a chicken that badly.
Then Alicia and Monica stroll over and try to get fire for their tribe, but no one is dealing. Alicia decides to try to just grab fire, but Leif stops her. That was lame. The guys all laugh at her. So then there's some weirdness where Alicia says that Monica will take her pants off for fire, and then Tarzan suggests that they set up a pole and she do a naked pole dance and this is just getting gross and embarrassing. And the women are almost entertaining the offer! They should tell the guys to fuck off and leave. WTF? Troy interviews that the women can't come over with their "set of taters" and "walk around in a little bikini" and get fire. Oh, I'm sorry. Apparently, the women should have removed their breasts and left them in their own camp. Ugh. Shut up, Troy. You are gross. Troy also thinks that the women are going to quit because it's too hard.
That night, Kim and Kat talk about how they wish they had a fire just for the ambience. Except Kat has never heard the word "ambience." Hoo, boy. Anyway, their big plan is to go ask the guys if they can have fire just because it would be nice to hang out and talk. Yes, that's a great plan. Except it's a terrible plan. It's not even a plan. It's like a vague idea. Michael intercepts them before they can even get to the fire, tells them they're not getting fire, and then asks them who they think is in charge on the men's tribe. They say Tarzan? Michael can't believe they think that, and Kim correctly guesses that it's really Matt and Bill and Michael. I don't know why he's revealing who's in charge on their tribe. He should have said, "Yep, it's totally Tarzan. He is leading us all to victory." Jay pops up and reinforces that they're not giving away fire, so hit the bricks, ladies.
Later that night when the men are all asleep, Christina and Monica sneak over and successfully steal an ember from the fire. Monica uses two pieces of wood like giant chopsticks and grabs a piece of wood without waking anyone up. Look at that! Go Monica!
So that's it, then! The women have fire! The morning, Christina reveals that they were able to start a fire, but it went out. Come on! None of them know how to start OR keep a fire going? It's not that hard, people! Kindling! Wood! Oxygen! Jeez. Kat is trying to start fire and thinks she can smell wood burning as she rubs two pieces of bamboo together but she's totally doing it wrong. And I only know this from WATCHING OTHER SEASONS OF THIS SHOW. I mean, you take a half-piece of bamboo, and then you take a stick and create friction by rubbing and then you need to have a little piece of kindling so that if a spark is generated, there's something to start burning. So Kat has none of that, really. Christina interviews that some of her tribemates think they don't need the men, but they're forgetting that aside from gameplay, they also need to survive. Look, this show hasn't been about wilderness survival in many seasons. They might suffer a bit, but production isn't going to let them starve. They need to suck it up.
Christina goes over and asks Jonas, Colton, and Bill what it's going to take to get fire for her tribe. Jonas says they'll exchange fire for forty woven palm fronds (presumably for the roof of their shelter?). Christina's like, "Mmm, forty is a lot." Jonas knocks it down to twenty. Wow, he's a terrible negotiator. He holds all the power! He should just say, "Forty or no fire." Anyway, they agree on twenty and shake hands. Maybe Christina should check with her tribe first? Alicia comes over and says that the guys need to bring the fronds over to the women's camp. Christina is super proud that she made this deal and Alicia is just shitting all over it. This is why you need buy-in before you negotiate. Alicia interviews that she thinks Christina is making all kinds of side-deals with the men, and Alicia doesn't like it one bit! And she thinks Christina should be the first one to go.
Sabrina is out washing up, and she decides to look for the Hidden Immunity Idol. And she finds it in, like, five seconds hidden in a tree stump. She reads the note with it, which says that it's an Idol for the Manono (men's) tribe, and she has to give it to someone before the Tribal Council. So that's a new rule.
Later, Sabrina is weaving fronds with her tribe. Colton delivers some fronds and tells everyone (again) that he needs an Immunity Idol. Why isn't he out looking for one himself? Sabrina tells Colton that she found an Idol that she has to give to a man. Why would she tell him before she's decided who to give it to? She is dumb. I mean, either tell him and give it to him, or don't tell him. But don't tell him and then say you haven't decided what to do with it yet. And also, negotiate! What will he do for her if she gives it to him?
Time for the first challenge! Both tribes report for duty. Probst explains the challenge, which is basically an obstacle course in stages. They have to jump from a platform onto a rope net, one-by-one. Then cross a balance beam and a rope bridge, and finally raise a team flag. The winners get immunity and fire, the losers go to Tribal Council and vote someone out.
Before they start, Probst reminds everyone that it's a high fall, so be sure to keep their arms in and land on their backs. This is important later. So they start, and it involves a long fall down to the rope net, but then they also have to travel down the net quite a ways before jumping down to the ground. Once each person gets on the ground and on a mat, the team members can jump down. Probst has to keep reminding the women to keep their hands in and land on their backs. Kourtney jumps down fourth and totally puts her hands down to catch herself. I get why; it's human instinct to put your hands down when falling. But Kourtney hurts her wrist. This will also be important later.
So the guys have everyone down from the platform while the women still have one person to go, and the men move on to the balance beam portion. The women finally get to move on as well. Technically, the women should be better at this part, since women are typically better at balancing. But the men increase their lead.
Probst notices that Kourtney is sitting down on the platform, holding her wrist, and asks if she's okay. Kourtney says that she's really dizzy and she doesn't think she can go on. And y'all, she has a visible deformity of the wrist, meaning that you can see a big bump where something poking out that shouldn't be poking out. Probst yells for everyone to freeze right where they are while he deals with this issue. So just for the record, there are four guys finished with the balance beam and one woman. In other words, the guys have a huge lead.
The medical team comes in and assesses Kourtney's injury. The medic tells Probst that when Kourtney landed on the net, she bent her hand back, and it might be broken, but it also might just be bruised and swollen. So they'll need an X-ray before they can say for sure what the problem is. Probst says that they should take her and do the X-ray, and once they have more information, they can figure out what Kourtney's game status is.
So Probst tells everyone that technically, the challenge is over and the men have won, since you have to finish the challenge with all that started and the women can no longer do that. But he gives the men the opportunity to continue the challenge anyway and let the chips fall where they may. Probst REALLY tries to stack the deck by saying that the men want to remember that early decisions may not be forgiven. Shouldn't he also offer to let the men take out one of their team members to even things up? He lets the men confer for a moment. It should be noted that Colton isn't even participating in the discussion; he stands to the side and makes puppy-dog eyes at the women. The men announce that they've decided to just take the win, which is the only correct decision. If by some miracle, the women came back and won, that would give them huge momentum and team unity. The men don't want to go to Tribal Council and they want the women to start picking one another apart. There's no upside to continuing the challenge, other than some weird machismo (which is why Probst wants them to continue). Take the win, and go relax for three days until the challenge. Save your energy and build a good shelter.
So then the women start calling the men's manhood into question, which is so gross and ridiculous. They're lesser men because they made a smart decision? Also, they were kicking the women's ass even before the challenge ended. Colton tries to make it clear via body language that he doesn't agree with the decision. Oh, stuff it, Colton. Stop trying to join the women's tribe. I hope you get voted out first. The women try to convince the men to continue, and Troy actually engages the argument instead of just saying it's done. Chelsea interviews that it was "heartbreak" when the men refused to continue the challenge and "those guys don't give a crap about any of us girls" and "it's a no-mercy game." Um, HELLO! Of course they don't care about you. Why should they? Ugh. I hate everyone so far.
Both tribes return back to camp. There's someone named Nina on the women's tribe? And she got a fat lip during the competition somehow? Kim interviews that she's from Texas where men are chivalrous and no guy she knows would have made that choice. Maybe the men were being chivalrous by not putting the women through a tough challenge they were going to lose anyway? The women don't get to have it both ways. They can't be all "girl power!" and then also be all, "We're just helpless women who need the men to protect us from ourselves." Also, the second way is gross and sets women back fifty years, so they need to cut the shit.
Sabrina and Colton discuss strategy. Sabrina warns Colton that he's disposable to everyone, because there seems to be a four on four alliance on the men's side already. So he's not disposable, because he could be the swing vote, right? Colton tells Sabrina that he's pretending to pass information from the women to the men, and he thinks this makes him invaluable. Sabrina's like, "No, it doesn't" and she gives him the Immunity Idol. Sabrina interviews that this move will enable Colton to knock off the biggest guy on the other side. Well, it will if Colton does what he's promised. Colton interviews that Matt is in for a big surprise and then he makes a joke about Taylor Swift writing songs about her ex-boyfriends which would be a lot funnier if it didn't feel like he had that joke in his back pocket and was just waiting for a chance to sneak it in.
Sabrina gathers the women around to discuss "the elephant in the room" (or on the beach, as it were), which is that they are going to have to vote someone out tonight. Sabrina broaches the topic that even if Kourtney is medically cleared to come back, she might not be any good to anyone. No one is willing to stand up and say, "Yeah, let's vote her out." They all just want to wait and see. Sabrina interviews that she's hoping Kourtney gets to enjoy air conditioning and fresh water and decides not to come back. Well, that's nicer than hoping she's hurt really badly and can't come back, I guess.
Alicia interviews that she feels bad for Kourtney, who is "uncoordinated." But Alicia also plans to call Christina out at Tribal Council for collaborating with the guys. Yes, how dare she try to make a deal for fire. Didn't Alicia kind of do the same thing when she went over and volunteered Monica for a naked pole dance in exchange for fire? I think Alicia is just jealous that Christina made a successful deal, when Alicia couldn't close a deal at all.
Tribal Council. Probst invites each of them to grab a torch and light it in the fire. It would be funny if they couldn't keep the torch lit, because they are bad at fire. Probst promises them an update on Kourtney in a moment. He asks Alicia how she felt about sharing a camp with the men. Alicia claims that she bonds with women better than men, so she's glad the men are a separate tribe. Insert Christina eye roll. Also, that's not what Probst asked. He doesn't follow up, but instead asks Kat who's leading the tribe. Kat claims that each person has her role, like Kat's role is keeping the fire going. Well, she's doing a bang-up freaking job, then.
Probst asks how the women got fire, and Christina starts explaining that she went over to the men and asked what they could do to get fire. Alicia puts her hand up and interrupts, and says that a shady deal went down. I notice that most of the rest of the women look embarrassed or annoyed when Alicia starts talking, so I'm thinking they are mostly on Christina's side here. Which they should be, because she's telling the truth. Alicia and Christina continue to talk over each other with Kat trying to play mediator, and finally Alicia admits that Christina's deal did benefit the women. Probst is confused and asks for clarification. Alicia says that Christina made a deal that two women would weave in the guys' camp. Christina says that's not true, and tries to explain what the deal was that she made. She barely gets two words out before Alicia interrupts and Christina snaps at her, "Because YOU'RE WRONG! OKAY? NOW SHUT UP!" Whew! I mean, I don't blame Christina because it's been a rough few days and Alicia is annoying, but that did not come off so great. So then Alicia makes a face like, "See? See what I'm dealing with?" and says that if they were in Chicago, she'd punch Christina out. I'm still Team Christina on this one, and Christina closes it out by saying that they got fire and a better fire pit than they could have made on their own, bottom line.
So everyone just looks around awkwardly, and Probst asks Chelsea if they need to operate as a group first, or are people allowed to just go make deals with the men. Chelsea seems tired when she says that everyone is doing her own thing, and it's because they're women, so they'll never agree on anything. Ugh. Stop with the self-hatred Chelsea. It's because you're a bunch of reality show lunatics, and has nothing to do with your gender. Probst asks Monica about tribal structure and Monica laughs that they deal with what's in front of their faces and that's it. Probst gives them a lecture about how it's not really funny because they have no structure, animosity between tribe members, and the guys are going to have a field day with them.
Finally, Probst gets to the Kourtney update. She's doing fine, but her wrist is broken in a few places and will require surgery, so she's out of the game. That means they don't have to vote anyone out. Plus, they get flint. Probst gives them a reminder that it's only day three, and they have time to turn things around, but the bad news is that they have to pull their shit together or the men will pick them off one by one. God, I hope that doesn't happen. Although I wouldn't mind if they lose Alicia before the men start going.
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