Stacey and Christine face off in the battle of the socially inept, but first Stacey tells Dawn and the blonde girl from Savaii all about Upolu and how she thinks some guy named "Benjamin" (how soon we forget that Coach has a real name!) is running the show over there. And then she loses. Coach is outraged when he hears that Stacey used his real name and told Savaii that he's in charge at Upolu, but channels that into a successful hunt for the immunity idol, which he shows to Albert and Sophie.
Stacey's words also serve to shake things up at Savaii, as Ozzy makes the crucial mistake of saying that Coach should get rid of Albert regardless of their alliance before the merge happens. Jim hears this and realizes that Ozzy is planning to do the same to him and/or Keith. After Upolu wins the disgusting roast pig-eating immunity challenge, Jim rallies John, Dawn, Keith, and the blonde girl together against Ozzy. Except they still think they need Ozzy for challenges, so they target his girlfriend Elyse instead. Ozzy, on the other hand, is sure that John and his herpes jokes will be the to go. In the end, Keith and the blonde girl refuse to take a stand against Ozzy and cast throw away votes for Dawn, and Jim, John, and Dawn send Elyse to battle Christine.
Fresh from her hug-refusing departure, Stacey greets Christine on Redemption Island. Christine is both happy and sad to see her former friend/not-quite-ally from Upolu. Stacey doesn't refuse her hug, and Christine sighs that she was hoping not to see Stacey. Stacey says Coach is running the show at camp, like Christine hadn't figured that out when he obviously engineered her departure from the game like 10 days ago. "All y'all gonna go to hell with gasoline drawers on," Stacey says of her former tribe's lying ways, conveniently forgetting that she was perfectly happy to lie when it suited her. "That is not one big happy family on the blue tribe," Stacey says in an interview. I love how she either doesn't know or refuses to say the actual name of her tribe, but I have a feeling that things over there are much happier now that she's gone. Stacey says she's determined to tell the "red tribe" all about Upolu's intra-tribal dynamics at the challenge.
Day 12 at Upolu. Li'l Li'l Russell creepily skulks around the camp and tells his sleeping tribemates that they have treemail, which the entire tribe is apparently responsible for collecting at the same time. While he waits for them to wake up, he interviews that he didn't like Mikayla's "prejudiced" comment at Tribal that she didn't like Li'l Li'l Russell because of who his uncle is. Meanwhile, he doesn't like her because she's an attractive woman, so, whatever. "She had very little class at that time," Li'l Li'l Russell says, as if classiness was determined by whether or not you hold things against someone's nephew and also that Li'l Li'l Russell has any idea what class even is. And then, of course, he cries all over the place, saying that these are "real people" with "feelings," which he apparently didn't take into consideration when he was talking about how horrible Mikayla was and trying to blindside her out of the game. "I'm a good person. I'm a good guy," Li'l Li'l Russell tells himself. If he says it enough times, he might actually believe it.
The treemail is an invitation for two to the Redemption Arena. Coach interviews that with Stacey and Christine going head-to-head today, there's a good chance they'll tell the other tribe all about the way things are going at Upolu. He hopes they don't, because Christine and Stacey totally owe him that much. Albert and Mikayla join Dawn and the blonde in the bleachers at the arena, and Dawn is "shocked" to see that Stacey was voted out last night. The blonde girl smirks that she isn't surprised. Since did the blonde girl earn the right to look smug about anything? I don't even know her name.
Probst immediately gets to riling Stacey up, asking her how it feels to see her former tribemates again. Stacey says they are all liars and the "red team" should watch out for them. Dawn nods along like this is new information. Stacey continues that "Benjamin, Albert, and Sophie" are calling all the shots at Upolu, and the "ending two" are Albert and "Benjamin." Christine chimes in with her agreement. Probst interrupts just to make sure everyone knows that Benjamin is Coach, who hasn't had a real name since like the second episode of his first season. "Benjamin makes the decisions," Christine says. "Make all the decisions!" Stacey adds. Probst interrupts again, even though listening to Christine and Stacey talk over each other is more entertaining than whatever else the show has in store. He asks them why they are now calling Coach "Benjamin."
"Adults call him Benjamin so I'm not calling him Coach -- " Stacey begins.
"Whether he likes it or not -- " enters Christine.
"So!"
"He's Benjamin."
"(defiant shrug)"
And then Stacey goes off on how the "children" on her tribe are eating up Coach and his stories and his assertions of loyalty, but she knows better. Well, she does now that she's been voted off. I'm not sure that she knew better before. "Keep that hug. Boop!" she says, firing a finger gun into the air. "Sour grapes," Albert mutters, being sure to keep quiet enough not to attract any more of Stacey's ire.
Finally, it's time for the duel. This time, it's a thrilling contest we've seen before. As a pre-final Tribal Council challenge, even! Stacey and Christine get situated and wish each other sincere "You go girls" before they begin. From the start, Stacey looks like she might be the winner, simply because she looks so focused and her ball-handling skills are far better than Christine's, who bobbles a few. But then they start adding more balls, and while Stacey just shoves them in without paying attention to where the other balls are, Christine takes her time to space them out. "Two balls are a little trickier," Probst says. They so are, Probst.
It's time to add a third ball. Probst warns that both players should be paying attention to the spacing of their balls, but Stacey ignores him and just shoves another ball in the chute. "So stupid," Albert says. "There are no tomorrows for the loser!" Probst cries, so proud of himself for his cheesiness. Christine nearly loses her grip on two balls and I don't know how she's still in this. "Matter of time," Albert says. Wow, Albert has spoken more watching this duel than he has all season. And then, Stacey just misses one of the balls coming out of the shoot -- she didn't even seem to be aware that it was there -- and she's out of the game. Albert especially seems pretty happy to see her go.
Probst asks Stacey about her experience on the show, and Stacey is, for a nice change, grateful and positive. She says as a mortician, funeral director, and diva, this was an experience unlike anything she'd ever done or would do. "I had fun and I'm proud of myself," she says, choking up. With that, she hugs Christine good-bye, wishes Savaii luck, and tosses her buff in the fire. On the way back to Redemption Island, Christine tells Dawn and the blonde girl that she "hopes to see [them] soon." Albert has something to say in the slo-mo walk back to camp (I don't even know if you call this a walk of shame or a walk of victory. It's really just a walk back home), stupidly saying that he thought his tribe was going to be able to keep a lot of things quiet, only for Stacey to out them all. "It makes us look bad in front of the other tribe," he whines; "Coach is gonna be pissed."
Albert and Mikayla return to camp. Coach asks how things went. "It was bad, dude," Albert says. Coach is already furious. Albert says that Stacey told the other tribe that they were all liars and that he, Coach, and Sophie were running everything. "That's disgusting," Coach says. The hell? It's not like Stacey said they were all back at camp molesting children. What she said was not only true, but it's also what goes on in every tribe in every season of this show! If Savaii didn't have an inkling that it was going on at Upolu (and didn't have the same exact thing going on in their own camp), then they'd all be idiots. How is anything Stacey said "disgusting?" Albert also points out that Stacey also used Coach's real name. "Who's Benjamin?" Li'l Li'l Russell asks. Hahahahahahaha! This show really needs to get back to using people's real names. It's not roller derby. There's no need for all the silly self-created aliases.
And then everyone realizes that Coach is still a nutcase: "If anyone calls me Benjamin to my face, I'm gonna go nuts. My parents call me Coach. I've been called Coach since I was 18." I cannot imagine that any of that is true. I don't think Coach even was a soccer coach when he was 18, so how would he have even thought of that? And why would he want people to call him Coach when he was 18, let alone insist that everyone do so? When he was in the Amazon being kidnapped by cannibals, did he insist that they call him Coach too? And there's no way -- NO WAY -- that his parents call him Coach. That's the whole point of parents! They call you by your real, full name, even though no one else does and you hate it. My dad's parents call him "Anthony" when everyone else calls him Tony. And I can't pay my mother not to use both my first and middle (which I hate) name when she's yelling at/exasperated with me. If I were to show up on her doorstep for Thanksgiving all "Hey Mom, I write recaps of TV shows so I have decided to be called Recaps. I am now Recaps Morrison. I will answer to nothing else," she'd laugh me out of the house. And then she'd call me by my first, middle, AND last name, which she only saves for the times when she's really angry at/exasperated with me. Coach is so weird. And worried, as he says that he is now sure to be Savaii's target when the merge happens, which "just ruins [his] day."
Time to check in with Savaii. Elyse and Ozzy are in their usual spot, lying down in close proximity to each other. "You're like my little omen," Ozzy tells Elyse, whatever that means. Elyse says her alliance with Ozzy, Keith, Jim and the blonde girl is "pretty strong." So much so that they haven't bothered to talk about the vote, whenever that is. "Which is grrrr-eat!" Elyse Tony the Tigers. She says she and Ozzy have an especially tight alliance and she's "just following his lead." "We see the game the same way," she says. That way, of course, being that you're going to win just by virtue of being so awesome and cool and popular and not have to do any work to ensure that victory. Good plan! It's certainly worked well for Ozzy in the past.
John walks by carrying lots of firewood. Ozzy has now taken to calling him "Coch-train," which the censors do not appreciate. Even though he's not saying "cock," they have to mute him. If I ever go on this show and my tribe wins the chicken reward, I am going to call the rooster a cock all day long. Elyse giggles that John is "the little Cochran that could!" So condescending and demeaning. And then Ozzy asks how to spell John's last name, which John doesn't appreciate since Ozzy is basically saying he's about to write that name down at Tribal Council. John tells him not to worry about the spelling or even the phonetics, like Elyse or Ozzy know what that word means. Doesn't John realize that the smarter he sounds, the more he alienates people who are stupid? Tone it down, Harvard. John interviews that he works as hard as he can around camp, only to see Ozzy and Elyse "wrapped up in their little love blanket" all morning long. John is starting to really dislike them.
Dawn and the blonde girl return from the duel. Dawn says that the other tribe is clearly not voting out weak players, since they took out Stacey, and it's all about "Team Coach." Coach, Albert, and Sophie are in charge, Dawn says. Elyse seems shocked about the Sophie part. It must be difficult for her to understand that young women who are not models but are really smart can be successful. She'll probably figure that out in about ten or fifteen years, at which point it will be too late. "If Coach is smart, he'll get rid of Albert soon," Ozzy says. You can almost hear the record scratch sound effect in Jim's head when Ozzy says this. "Why would he get rid of Albert?" he asks. "Before the merge," Ozzy says, still not getting it. Jim looks very thoughtful.
"Coach Wade has found the hidden immunity idol!" Coach interviews, never more pleased with himself than he is right now. This would be so much more interesting to me if I had any faith that Coach would use this thing correctly. Also, what does it say that both of the returning players have "hidden" immunity idols? Besides that letting people come back to play with a bunch of new players is a terrible idea and hidden immunity idols are way too easy to find? "A golden little gem for Coach Wade to hold onto!" Coach says, running his fingers down the decidedly not-gold necklace. He tells Sophie and Albert that he has it, then returns to the interview and says, "This is the most exciting moment in 67 days for Coach playing this game." Oh god, has it been that long? He says he's very excited, but he can't show it too much. "Dragon, just get back in there," he says. GROSS. Sophie hugs him and says she's "so happy" she's playing this game with him. Yeah, until the fact that he has an idol and she doesn't bites her in the ass.
And then nothing happened on Day 13, so we skip ahead to Day 14. Ozzy wants to go fishing, and John demands to go with him, in the most annoying way possible of course. "The ocean is my canvas and the fish are my pallet," he says, choosing his words carefully to both not really make sense and also portray the image of a man who is trying way too hard. John then reveals that this is "the first time" he'll be on the boat in this game. IT'S DAY 14. HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEEN ON A FUCKING BOAT IN TWO WEEKS? John says that while he's not good at anything involved with the process of catching fish, he hopes that this will be a good way to bond with someone who looks down on people he perceives to be weaker than him.
We get an Ozzy-fishing montage as Ozzy interviews that his ability to catch fish is part of his reputation on this show and what makes him valuable to his tribe, but fishing is really hard and it takes its toll on him. Whatever, Ozzy. Richard Hatch was older than you and he caught plenty of fish when he was on the show and never complained about how tiring it was. And his fish were nice big ones, unlike your piddly little reef minnows with all of 0.10 ounces of meat on them. The reward for all of his hard work, he thinks, is that his tribe can't do anything without him and so he'll surely last a long time with them. "I feel like they're really becoming 'my tribe,'" he says.
And so, he struts up to the beach with his daily catch hanging from outstretched arm so that the womenfolk may look upon it and celebrate Ozzy's awesomeness. "OH YAAAAAYYY!" says the blonde girl. Ultimately, John isn't quite so impressed. He says that Ozzy may have been the ultimate survivor in his two seasons, but these days he's "middle aged" (uh ... he's 30) and "kind of a lazy ass." John is looking forward to Ozzy's sense of entitlement coming back to haunt him. As are we all.
And then, this challenge. This is now going to be my third time watching it, and I couldn't even make it through the first one, so... I'll do my best. Anyway, the tribes arrive to see two giant roasted, BBQ sauce-covered pigs on spits. And, it seems, they know what's coming . Sure enough, Probst says contestants will have their hands tied behind their backs and have to chew off (and spit out into basket) as much meat as possible in ten minutes. It will then be weighed, and the tribe with the heaviest basket wins immunity and a reward of bread, vegetables, and spices. Li'l Li'l Russell is so happy to see the bread. "We want some carbs," he says.
The challenge begins. It's gross. Rick should be especially good at this, as I have no reason to believe this isn't how he normally eats dinner. Pretty early on in the challenge, both tribes start spitting copious amounts of saliva into their baskets along with their pig chunks, making this truly difficult to watch. Then a stringy hunk of pig gets stuck in Keith's teeth, and Dawn ends up taking it out with her own mouth and they kind of make out for a second. This delights Probst, as does Ozzy's gnawing action on the pig: "Ozzy trying to get in there and get deep!"
Edna becomes even more useless than usual when she gets some pig stuck in her teeth and has to cry to Albert and Coach to get it out. Albert has no desire to do that, so it falls to Coach. The same thing happens to Li'l Li'l Russell, and Rick ends up taking it out. That is something I don't think either man thought they'd be doing when they came on this show. And then there's a montage of nastiness and a few more cheesy comments from Probst. Towards the end, Rick drops a piece of pig on the ground and decides to leave it there. Mikayla grabs it and puts it in the basket. Time finally expires, and Ozzy decides to end the challenge with the entire pig and the spit hanging out of his mouth. Probst will not let him use that as part of his tribe's collection.
Probst weighs the baskets. Savaii has 22 pounds, 12 ounces, and think they're pretty special. Then it's time to weigh Upolu. They also have 22 pounds... and 14 ounces. Looks like Mikayla's last-second grab of Rick's discarded piece gave them the win! Upolu celebrate, with Li'l Li'l Russell being sure to point at the sky, like, if God was paying attention to what was going on here he would have struck both roast pigs with lightning hours ago and cancelled the challenge outright. So nasty. Probst says that Upolu get a special bonus reward: they can take their 22 pounds, 14 ounces of chewed-up pig and spit home with them. "Spit and all!" Coach says, so happy about the spit. Then he sing-songs that they just have to wash the spit off and it'll be delicious. He could at least save this for when he isn't standing in front of the sad loser tribe. Or does he think that now that he has a hidden idol he doesn't have to worry about pissing them all off?
Li'l Li'l Russell decides to cook Upolu's dinner. He does wash the spit and nastiness off the pig and chops up several veggies. He fries them all up and says that this game has many ups and downs, but today was one of the ups. "We're a team and we're a family," he says naively. At least he isn't crying again.
And there are sad times at Savaii. Dawn says she lost part of a molar in the challenge. Ozzy says his lips hurt. Elyse worries that their skin will break out. And John says they'll probably all get oral herpes. Which is not a bad point -- it's certainly not the most hygienic challenge the producers have forced these unfortunate people to do -- but it's also not the right time to make it or the right people to make it in front of. Many people have oral herpes. Chicken pox is some kind of form of herpes. But those stupid model girls didn't know that, and now they're all pissed off at John for saying it and think he gave them all herpes. John says he doesn't have herpes, but he's probably going to get it from someone on his tribe. So now they think he thinks they have STDs. He's seriously not helping himself here, so he goes off to chop open a coconut.
Ozzy says that John worked harder after the challenge than he's ever worked before, although considering that Ozzy's been asleep most of the time, I don't know how he would know that. "It's a little too late," Ozzy says confidently; "everybody feels good about letting him go tonight." He tells the plan to the others when John's off collecting wood or something, and Dawn nods but then interviews that she would much rather see Elyse go tonight than John. She heads into the woods to discuss this with John, who then talks about it with Jim. Jim's fine with getting rid of Elyse, but says they have to get Keith on board for it to have any chance of working.
And so, he talks to Keith about what Ozzy said about voting out Albert, and how that means that before the merge, Ozzy'll be gunning for one or both of them. Keith nods but looks pretty dim, as usual. Keith says he's okay with getting rid of Elyse, but then it occurs to him that Ozzy might get mad when his girlfriend is voted out. Keith interviews that his and the blonde girl's votes tonight will determine who goes home. He says if they surprise Ozzy and vote Elyse out, Ozzy "might not" trust him. Uh, yeah. He WILL NOT trust you. There's no "might" about it. There's also no reason why you should trust Ozzy.
Keith talks to the blonde girl about this. She says she wants to "make sure [they've] thought everything through," which would indicate that they've done any thinking at all, ever. She says she wants to keep her young pretty people alliance intact while still voting one of its members out. That's going to be pretty tricky, blonde girl. She thinks that if she and Keith vote for someone completely different, then Ozzy will only be mad at the three people who voted for Elyse. That's also a great way to make EVERYONE mad at you. Oh, and be a coward. So that's probably what's going to happen tonight.
Jim meets with John again and says Operation: Take Out Elyse is a go. John is thrilled and says he's feeling relatively confident going into Tribal Council tonight. So confident, in fact, that he bravely says that he doesn't care if Ozzy is mad at everyone for voting out Elyse and he'll just make sure Ozzy is voted out .
Probst opens Tribal with Ozzy, asking him, as an expert on this show, where things are now that they're a third of the way in. Ozzy says that the merge is still far off enough that they don't have to worry about trust, so tonight's vote should be about strength. Yeah, that's the answer Probst wishes every tribe would give, but it's also one of the most boring and worst ways to play this game, which is why Ozzy sucks at it. Probst asks Elyse what makes someone a strong tribemate, and she says it's someone who is "strong across the board." Challenge performance, camp chores, and "social skills and graces." Yes, nothing makes a tribe weak like a nerd who talks about herpes. Probst asks John what he thinks of Elyse's answer, seeing as how he doesn't have "tree trunks" for legs. Stop looking at and judging John's legs, Probst. That's weird. John says that the challenges test a lot of things, and not just leg strength.
Probst asks about the challenge, and if Jim has any regrets that he didn't get just a little bit more pig. Like 3 ounces more. Jim says that yes, everyone wished he had gotten just a little more to win it, but no one is blaming anyone else in particular for losing, and most of them have challenge-related injuries. Probst asks for details. Jim says the inside of his mouth and his lips are all cut up, although they look fine from what I can see. Elyse has the same thing. Ozzy has to outdo them, and says he also has a "chipped tooth" and his jaw is "a little dislocated." Well, don't hold an entire pig in your mouth just to be cute, then, idiot. Dawn repeats that her tooth is broken. The blonde girl says her lips are cut. It's a nice, short answer, and one we won't get from John, who goes off on this long explanation about how he hasn't been wearing his retainer lately, so he's sure his teeth shifted during the challenge.
This annoys Probst, so he asks Dawn if John annoys her, too. Dawn just says that John is "endearing" and "a character." But then she says that this game is teaching her to "be really tolerant." And she mentions John's herpes joke. "It was just hilarious but not," she says. "Hilarious but not" is my favorite kind of joke, by the way. Keith says John's joke was "nasty" and it didn't make people laugh as much as it grossed them all out. John makes a bunch of sad faces, and Probst asks what it'll take for him to "catch a break" with his tribe. John says his tribes' remarks are "devastating," although he's awkwardly smiling as he says this, so who knows how sincere that is? He says he's just going to have to spend the rest of the night thinking about how he doesn't fit in with his tribe again -- if he's still in the tribe by the time this is over.
Probst asks Elyse if she "feels" for "someone like" John. Elyse claims that she knows what it's like to have people pointing out what you do wrong because "we've all been picked last for soccer." Okay, Elyse. You can totally relate to what John has to deal with in your bitchy tribe because you were picked last for gym class once. John says that he is not picked last to play soccer because he doesn't play soccer in the first place. Probst asks Elyse if she'd feel bad to vote John out after everything he's been through at three Tribal Councils now. Elyse non-answers that whatever happens to John tonight, she's sure he'll "appreciate the experience." As the "time to vote" music revs up, Probst asks Jim if tonight's vote is personal or logistical. Jim says that every vote - even the most strategic - has a personal aspect to it. Elyse and Ozzy aren't worried about any of this, though, because there's no way any name but John's is being written down tonight. Surely even John is voting for John, they think.
Jim votes for Elyse, saying he has to "keep Ozzy weak." John bumps into the blonde girl on his way to vote, of course. Ozzy votes for "Coch-train," and while he's allowed to write that, he's censored when he says it. Probst returns with the urn and reads the votes. Ozzy's vote for John. Jim's for Elyse. Another vote for John. And then... a second vote for Elyse. Ozzy's eyebrows raise. And then a vote for Dawn, who has no idea what that's about. The blonde girl seems pretty sure of things, though, since she was the one who cast it. And there's a second vote for Dawn, who is probably shitting herself. There's one vote left to break the three-way tie, and it goes to... Elyse! Well well well! Jim actually did it. And the others actually smartened up enough to follow him. Even Keith and the blonde girl, who were stupid to cast the throwaway votes because they just piss off everyone, were at least savvy enough about this game to break away from Ozzy. I am impressed, and have some hope for the rest of this season.
Probst sends Elyse away while Ozzy fumes. Even though this has happened to him so many times before, he can't believe his tribe would do something behind his back like that and not just give him a million dollars. Even Coach -- COACH! -- managed to learn something from being on this show before. What does it say about Ozzy that he still hasn't?
To read more from Sara Morrison, you can follow her on Twitter, subscribe to her on Facebook or you can even follow the Tumblr thing she had to make for her grad school class this semester (please do! Her professors will be so impressed if she can get followers besides her mother). Email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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