Redemption Island Monster Christine strikes again this week, taking out Papa Bear in a fiercely-contested bean-bag-tossing competition and scowling magnificently the entire time. Her victory is watched by John and Jim, who apparently have a secret alliance going on that pretty much everyone else in their tribe can make a pretty good guess about, what with them stupidly going off to Redemption Arena together and all. It won't matter this week, though, as Savaii wins a chicken reward and the immunity challenge, the always-painful-looking "who can hold the most weight" competition. After Keith and Albert drop out embarrassingly early for their tribes and Brandon and Jim manage to shoulder a show-record of 240 pounds each, it comes down to Dawn and Stacey, both of whom were apparently chosen to represent their tribes because those tribes hate middle-aged women. In the end, both women put up an impressive fight, but Stacey is just not able to support 160 pounds on just her ass and loses it to an ecstatic Dawn.
And so, it's time for Upolu to figure out who to vote out again. Li'l Li'l Russell seems like a good choice, what with his frequent and totally meaningless apologies, general creepiness, and insistence that he just wants to play this game like a good person. But he also did really well in the challenge, so it's between Edna, who is annoying and useless, and Stacey, who is strong but doesn't seem to have any interest in making friends with her tribemates, which I really can't blame her for. After Li'l Li'l Russell floods the floor of Tribal Council with his remorseful tears, Stacey is sent to join her only friend Christine on Redemption Island.
Sorry I wasn't here last week! Looks like I missed a lot of Li'l Li'l Russell, which is just fine with me. It's Day 9 now, and the sun rises on Savaii. Ozzy and Elyse hang out in the hammock and Elyse asks Ozzy about his family and how good they must be at camping and outdoorsy activities. What is this girl's obsession with people's family members? When she isn't assuming that Ozzy somehow inherited his ability to climb a palm tree, she's hoping that she inherited something from her Native American ancestors. Ozzy says he was always into "survivalism," unlike the rest of his family, who were, apparently, into dyingism. Jim notices Ozzy and Elyse cozying up and does not like it, saying that Ozzy is such a "powerful physical presence" that if he has a solid bond with someone who isn't Jim to go along with that, then Jim could be in trouble. He decides that Ozzy is too valuable to get rid of right now, so Elyse should go .
To that end, he talks to John about voting Elyse out. Jim gets all giddy at the prospect of making a "Survivor move," while John is probably just happy Elyse is being targeted instead of him for a change. "She's so freaking hot," Jim then says out of nowhere. John offers to "put on a seaweed wig" if that'll make Jim happy. I kind of wonder if it would, actually. John interviews that he's not sure how much he can trust Jim and his "used car salesman... suspiciously white" toothed-smile, but as long as he's talking about getting rid of Elyse, John is fine with it. They shake on their secret alliance.
All good things must come to an end, so we head over to Upolu and Li'l Li'l Russell, who is having his 1,367,023rd crisis of conscience. He says his "pride" got in the way of the "good intentions" he came into this game with. He says he's decided to "be a better person" from here on out. Why announce that? Just do it. He talks to Mikayla, apologizing for losing his temper on her. She just nods and says she "appreciates" his apology. Yeah, right. She immediately interviews that while she's happy that Li'l Li'l Russell said he was sorry, she doesn't understand why he can just think before he speaks in the first place. She then blames Li'l Li'l Russell's problems on who his uncle is. I don't understand why who someone is related to is such a big deal to these people. My uncle is a science professor. I write very unscientific reviews of TV shows. Not the same.
up is Edna, who Li'l Li'l Russell feels the need to inform that everyone she thought was her friend was really lying to her, including Li'l Li'l Russell. He says he can't lie to anybody anymore, and so he's going to accomplish that by freely volunteering information that wasn't his to give, like how there's a Core 5 in the tribe and she's not in it. Edna feels personally rejected and gets teary-eyed. She says it's easier to believe peoples' lies that she's welcome and belongs to her tribe than it is to accept the truth. Yes. That's also why you shouldn't go on this show.
Over at Savaii, Elyse arrives with treemail: a basket full of bathing suits. Dawn is so happy that she dances in place with her arms extended like a cartoon character. She interviews that her Mormon-ness made her feel uncomfortable when swimming in her bra and underwear. How is that the one thing that made her feel uncomfortable on this show? There are so many other, worse things I can think of. And why is everyone on Savaii such a prude this season? Also, why didn't they just give them their actual bathing suits and not these brand new ones, based on the fact that Jim's appears to still have a price tag attached? They also come with a note inviting two to the arena to watch the Redemption Challenge. John wants to go, but no one else is particularly thrilled about it, so, after an awkward silence, Jim volunteers to go with him. Jim then regrets this, saying "I want to go, but at the same time I don't like Cochran and I both going at the same time." There are a lot of same times in Jim's world, it seems.
Meanwhile, the blonde girl and Elyse prance around on the beach (literally - they are prancing. Idiots) in their new bikinis. Dawn watches them and feels so old. "Am I Rudy on this tribe?" she worries. Just for mentioning the awesome Rudy, Dawn increases two points in my estimation. She then loses one of those when she says there's a slight chance that the others on her tribe have alliances already. IT'S DAY 9, IDIOT. They should all have six or seven alliances by now.
Jim, meanwhile tries to plot something with Ozzy (and, by extension, Elyse, who is lying to him). I'm not exactly sure what Jim is trying to do here, nor does it really matter anyway except that it makes Ozzy suspicious of how strategy-minded Jim is so early on. Even though, again, it's Day 9 and the game is like a quarter over. As soon as Jim is off to the arena, Ozzy makes fun of his strategy talk and says they are not going to talk about it in camp. Dawn is dubious of this, noting that she's seen Ozzy play on other seasons. "He just doesn't want us strategizing," she says; "and that just irks me to no end."
Jim and John are joined by Li'l Li'l Russell and Edna at the Arena. Christine and Papa Bear arrive, and Probst rubs it in, asking him how it feels to see two of the people who voted him out watching him from the bleachers now. Papa Bear lies that he isn't bothered at all and he's looking forward to re-entering the game and taking Upolu's side. Probst loves this, but then ruins it by stupidly asking Li'l Li'l Russell for comment. Li'l Li'l Russell would rather just apologize to Christine for how things went down at her last Tribal Council and for the "ruthless" way he played the game before. Jim and John, meanwhile, sit there wondering what the hell must be going on at Upolu. I'll bet they think it's a lot more exciting than it actually is. Christine's response is a combination smirk/scowl and saying that she'll "accept" Li'l Li'l Russell's apology but isn't sure if she believes it. With that, Probst explains today's thrilling challenge: the two players must toss bean bags on crates. First person to land a bean bag on ten crates wins!
Papa Bear and Christine manage to land their first bags on the closest crates, but then Christine takes the lead, 4-1, delighting the crowd. Papa Bear lands a few and starts to catch up, so Christine has to scowl and yell at her bean bags to make them stay put on the crate. Christine has a little trouble with the more distant crates, so Papa Bear catches up and ties her at 8, then again at 9. In the end, Christine manages to her get her tenth and final bag on the crate before Papa Bear to win. It actually was a pretty suspenseful and fun to watch challenge, but it was also a bean bag toss, and there's only so much I can say about that.
Probst is evil, so he asks Papa Bear to remember back to the days that he wanted more than anything to be on this show, only to get on it and be the second person voted out. He asks Papa Bear how that feels. I'm going to take a wild guess here and go with "bad." Papa Bear tearfully says he's always wanted to be on the show so he feels "blessed" to have had a chance to be on it at all. Probst then tells him to leave. He hugs Christine, who promises to meet up with him in the city (funny how she's managed to be so much friendlier with people on Redemption Island when it doesn't really matter than she ever was in the game, when it did), throws his buff in the fire, and leaves. Probst sends Christine off, and she says she wants her former tribemates to know that she is determined to win. She's also determined to enjoy a mixed drink, apparently, from the looks of the coconut/flower/straw thing she's holding in her interview.
Edna and Li'l Li'l Russell return to camp, where coffee is being served. Edna tries to be friendly, but now that she knows everyone hates her, it's tough. Or maybe not, since she still seems to think she has an alliance and that she just needs to be a little bit more cautious when it comes to trusting them. "It's important to be cordial and polite," she thinks. She attempts to do this by having a conversation with Rick about laundry and stiff shirts, which reminds me a lot of this week's episode of Parks and Recreation and Ann trying to have a conversation with Ron Swanson. I think Ann was more successful. Edna interviews that she has no physical game, so her awesome social game is all she has.
Stacey watches it all unfold but doesn't seem to think she needs to do any social work herself. No, she'd rather judge silently, then tell us in an interview how annoying Edna is. "The girl go on and on and on," she sighs; "does she have an off switch? I don't think she has an off switch." Then, chillingly when you consider what Stacey does for a living, "she needs to be disconnected." Later, the womenfolk do the washing, and Edna asks Mikayla about her modeling career and Mikayla has to pretend to be all casual and modest about her Tampa magazine covers. Edna doesn't seem to notice how weirded out Mikayla is by her interest, and so goes on and on about how she must get Mikayla's autograph, like, really, Edna? Aren't you a doctor? Mikayla should be wishing she was you, not the other way around. An annoyed Mikayla interviews that Edna doesn't stop asking questions, no matter what the subject. As an example, she tells us about how Rick was talking about hunting for buffalo and Edna asked him how many times he shot it and what he shot it with and WHY ARE WE HEARING ABOUT THIS SECOND-HAND? I DEMAND footage of Rick's buffalo hunt discussion with Edna's annoying interjections, because I'm pretty sure it's the funniest thing I'll watch all week. "Zip it!" Mikayla concludes.
And finally, instead of watching Rick talking about buffalo hunting, we see Edna walking on Coach's back while he groans and she laughs. Both of them could be quieter with the sounds coming out of their mouths, but Mikayla picks out Edna's laugh as the most annoying. Stacey, in her interview, agrees. She and Mikayla sit on the beach near Coach and Edna and look thoroughly pissed off. I don't know why they aren't walking off and teaming up with each other about this, but they aren't.
John checks in with Dawn about the scene at Savaii after he and Jim left for Redemption Arena. Dawn says Ozzy gave them all the order not to strategize, but she thinks that was "baloney." Strong words from the English professor! "He either already has it locked or he's trying to get other people to not talk," she says. John says they'd better do something, then, because if not then it'll be him or Dawn out . John interviews that if only he and Jim are on board with voting Elyse out, then it won't happen. They need more votes. Well, Papa Bear would've been a good one. Oh well! Dawn says she'd love to take Ozzy out , but will settle on voting for Elyse if that's what John and Jim are thinking. John pats himself on the back for pulling off a big strategic move in this game, totally either forgetting or not realizing that A) He hasn't done anything yet, and B) He, Jim and Dawn are only three votes and well short of a majority.
Immunity Challenge! Before we see Probst, we know what's going to happen: there are podiums with bars on them and a whole bunch of sandbags. Yes, it's time for one of the most horrible-looking challenges, the "how much weight can your poor back hold before it breaks and your team votes you out for being weak?" challenge! As has been the case in past challenges like this, it will be two men and one woman competing. Last tribe standing gets immunity and a chicken reward of one rooster and two hens.
With that, we begin; very interesting choices of weight-bearers in this challenge from both tribes. Keith and Jim do it for Savaii instead of Ozzy, while Albert and Li'l Li'l Russell do it for Upolu. I think I would've have chosen Rick in one of their places, but maybe he said his back was too old for this. Then again, we have Dawn and Stacey holding it down for the women, which makes no sense at all to me -- Elyse couldn't have channeled her Native American ancestors here? And why the hell isn't Mikayla up there for Upolu? Even Sophie seems pretty sturdy and a better choice than Stacey.
Whatever, we begin. Weights are uneventfully placed on people for a while. 26 minutes in, Dawn and Stacey are precariously balancing 100 pounds each (I don't know what happened to Stacey's bar, but it's resting on her ass instead of her shoulders), Albert and Keith are at 180, and Jim and Li'l Li'l Russell are at 200. Keith's bar has slid down off his shoulders, and he tries to lift it back up and ultimately loses it entirely. Jim and Li'l Li'l Russell get another 20 pounds each, tying the 220 pound show record. Albert will not be tying anything, as he randomly slips and falls off the podium. Jim and Li'l Li'l Russell both manage to shoulder their record loads, and Jim actually looks kind of hot all unshaven and determined. Both tribes give them another 20 pounds, and Jim holds it for a while until his body pretty much gives out on him. The same happens to Li'l Li'l Russell a few seconds later.
So now it's down to Dawn and Stacey. Another 20 pounds are added, and Dawn says her bar is starting to slip. She tries to readjust, and her body makes a series of wavy, Gumby-like movements that I was not aware people with skeletons could do. Stacey's ass, on the other hand, appears to be doing fine. Dawn tries to copy her and lets the bar slide down onto her significantly-less-strong-looking ass. Another round brings the weight up to 140. "You're so strong, Dawn. You're stronger than this," says Elyse, who is not holding any weight whatsoever. Stacey shows the first signs of struggle, her legs shaking. Probst starts shouting his clichés about digging deep and finding more inside you or whatever and Stacey loses her bar. Which means that, somehow, Dawn just won this thing for her tribe! They run over to embrace her.
Probst hands Dawn the idol like she was the only person who had anything to do with her tribe's win (seriously, Jim shouldered 240 pounds! Where are his props?) and her tribe takes their chickens and leaves. Dawn win-terviews that she struggled at first in this game but now, clearly, she's back and she's strong. Upolu, on the other hand, do the slo-mo walk of shame in silence.
Day 11. A sad, defeated Upolu return to camp. Stacey has nothing to be ashamed of, though, saying she held up 140 pounds and proved to her tribe that she's strong and therefore valuable. But, she says, there's always a chance that her tribe could "blindside" her out tonight anyway. Stacey's tribe congratulates her on her performance, and she makes absolutely no effort to be warm or nice to these people. Like, her interactions with them make no sense to me. Even Rick, who probably hates them all and would like to shoot them instead of his buffalo, pretends. Coach tries to make an inspirational speech that no one listens to because they're all looking around and trying to decide who to vote out . Edna looks around worriedly, but interviews that she's "confident" in the alliance I still don't think she even has. She says she won't feel safe until after Tribal. Well, duh. Why is she a doctor but so stupid?
She pours some extremely loud water (seriously, what is going on with that? Did they mic her canteen?) and tries to talk to Stacey about tonight's vote, but Stacey doesn't have much to say back. And Edna should know well enough that Stacey doesn't know who's going home tonight anyway. Stacey, who is apparently feeling the loss of those reward chickens and their eggs, interviews that Edna is on an "Easter egg hunt" and "scrambling like scrambled eggs" and how dare she talk to Stacey about tonight's vote when she's never tried to speak to Stacey before. Stacey thinks it's between her and Edna tonight, and it should absolutely be Edna going home sine Stacey lifted all that weight. And then she lost, so who cares? Stacey doesn't think Edna could have lifted anything, saying she's "bones on bones" and "bones can't lift too much if it's just all skeleton with the bones." Stacey has eggs and bones on the brain today.
Coach decides to talk to Stacey. She manages to hold a conversation with him, which is good, and they talk about tonight's vote. Coach admits that tonight's vote will either be Stacey or "somebody else." Yeah, that somebody else being whoever Stacey votes for. Stacey says she brings a lot more to the table than Edna and has pulled her weight. Coach just nods and looks uncomfortable before leaving. With no one else to talk to, Stacey has no choice but to stare at the camera and roll her eyes and swear at it. Ha ha! Fourth wall broken! Very nice, Stacey. You are my favorite even though you are just awful at the social game. Stacey interviews that she doesn't believe anything Coach says and if she has to lie to stick around in this game, she will.
And so, she corners Li'l Li'l Russell and tells him that people are talking about him, specifically Albert, Sophie, and Mikayla, who he went off on last week. This causes the gullible troll to worry, and he reports to Coach, saying they have "a problem on [their] hands." "Another one?" Coach asks. Li'l Li'l Russell says their five-way alliance is over. Coach might be incredibly dim when it comes to things like this, but he has played this game before, so he just sighs as Li'l Li'l Russell explains that Stacey told him that Albert, Sophie, and Mikayla have their own alliance. "Stop it!" Coach says; "I want you to stop it! Stop!" Wow, I don't think I've ever heard him like this. As in, speaking authoritatively about something that he actually knows about. "This game is gonna get so much crazier than this. And if you believe somebody -- tell me if somebody's sneaking up on me -- if you believe somebody that is on death row like Stacey knows she is over somebody that is in our core alliance then you might as well throw in the towel right now." Li'l Li'l Russell just nods along, but I don't think anything Coach is saying (all of which is amazingly good advice considering the source) is really sinking in with him. Li'l Li'l Russell thinks he shouldn't listen to what Coach says because Coach was "screwed over" by his allies both times he played in the past. Yeah, and he made it to the jury both of those times. Coach says he was blind-sided by his allies in the past, but he's learned from that and that's not how he's going to play this game now. "I tend to be a good judge of character," says the possibly insane 19-year-old with the worst tattoos ever.
Sophie, who probably is a good judge of character despite her relative youth, watches from afar and interviews that if her alliance is based on trust and she's not sure how much she can trust Li'l Li'l Russell, who is a "small, small Russell Hantz." Damn, how can you be a smaller version of Li'l Russell? He's like 4 feet tall. Coach, who is a terrible judge of character despite his age and experience, considers Li'l Li'l Russell to be a "great guy," although he admits that he's a little worried about his unpredictability. "I have to protect myself. I have to remember that I'm out here for a third and possibly final time," Coach says, giving the 6 Coach fans out there hope that he'll play this game again someday.
And so, Upolu arrive at Tribal. Probst talks to Stacey first, asking her about the challenge. Stacey talks about how awesome she was. Probst asks Coach if, as good as Stacey did, it doesn't really matter since she still lost. "Stacey lost to Dawn," Probst points out. Yeah, when you put it that way, it's pretty sad. Coach starts talking about peoples' "Warrior Spirits" and how if he was choosing who to vote for tonight solely based on that, Stacey wouldn't be in trouble.
Probst asks Sophie if tonight's vote will be based on the strength factor Upolu has being lying to him about trying to keep. Sophie says that physical strength is one factor, but so is "strength in numbers" -- you have to be sure of who you're playing this game with when it comes to the merge. That's a really good point, but it's also boring, so Probst decides to shake things up with a "group therapy" exercise. For some reason, he starts with Rick, who probably shoots people who admit they go to group therapy, and asks him what the most annoying thing about Albert is. Rick's all like: "8-{|" Eventually, he comes up with "he snores." Probst goes for Li'l Li'l Russell , asking him what is annoying about Edna. Choosing his words surprisingly carefully, Li'l Li'l Russell goes with "she's got a lot to say about a lot" and "she's just got a lot of opinions." Edna disagrees, much to the eyebrow-raise of Mikayla and Stacey.
Probst asks Edna what the most annoying thing about Stacey is, as if this wasn't his goal question (along with the one he asks right after this) all along. "I find it very difficult to engage Stacey," Edna says, somehow managing to turn having a conversation with someone into a robot drill. Edna says she wishes Stacey would open up to her more. Probst asks Stacey if she has a problem opening up to people, and Stacey says not at all and that she's had deep conversations we haven't seen on camera with "quite a few" of her tribemates. And then Probst sets off his other landmine of the night and asks Mikayla what the most annoying thing about Li'l Li'l Russell is. Mikayla could have said something about the fact that he's insane and creepy, but instead she says she doesn't like his uncle. "Who's his uncle?" Probst asks, like he doesn't know. At least he doesn't pretend he wasn't totally aware of this already when Mikayla says it's Li'l Russell. Mikayla continues that it's such a shame that Li'l Li'l Russell appears to be "such a good kid" (the fuck? How? Also, she's only, what, 3 years older than him? "Kid" my ass) and she'll never be able to totally trust him because of who he's related to. "Blood's blood," she concludes. Okay, well, according to her bio on the show site, she was raised by a single mother. I wonder what happened to her father? Maybe he died when she was a baby or maybe he skipped out on them. Either way, she must be just like him because blood is blood.
Probst gives Li'l Li'l Russell a chance to speak, and he says that first off, he's proud of his family and the Hantz name and loves his uncle, but he's also not his uncle and whatever strategy he used (the same one three times) is not Li'l Li'l Russell's. Probst pushes, asking if it's hard to hear people say mean things about his uncle. So glad we're talking about Li'l Russell at Tribal Council during a season he isn't even on. Just awesome. Li'l Li'l Russell says it's "tough" and then he starts crying AGAIN because he cries like 8 times an episode. He cries more than Dawn. "I just want to be somebody that God's proud of," he sobs. It really is way too difficult for this guy to uphold his own high moral standards. It's weirdly too difficult. It's not that hard to be a good person. Edna holds his hand in support. Coach puts a manly hand on Li'l Li'l Russell's shoulder. Rick is no doubt thoroughly disgusted with this display of emotion. Probst asks Li'l Li'l Russell what makes him think that he's not someone God is proud of. "I don't want to be misrepresented," Li'l Li'l Russell wails. Great. THEN DON'T GO ON A REALITY SHOW. Reality shows are all about misrepresenting people, because they have to be, because people are BORING and reality shows have to make them seem interesting to get people to watch.
Li'l Li'l Russell continues that his uncle's behavior on the show "affected [his] family big-time" and it sounds like Li'l Li'l Russell had a hard time reconciling the person he thought his uncle was with the person he saw on TV. Three times. Okay, well, I hate Li'l Russell a lot, but I don't see how anything he did on the show was completely irredeemable or worth crying about. Li'l Li'l Russell says he wants to show the world that the Hantz family is not all bad through his behavior on the show. Great. Now he's showing us that the Hantz family has a bunch of shitty prison tattoos and they cry a lot and are mentally unstable. That's so much better.
Probst asks Albert for his thoughts about trust in the tribe. Albert says it's important to everyone and will play a part in tonight's vote. Boring! Probst wisely decides to take us to the vote on that. Interestingly, we've heard nothing about who the vote will be for tonight and everything about Li'l Li'l Russell's emotional problems. We don't see how anyone votes, but Coach does smirk his vote into the urn. Probst comes back with it and reads: one for Edna. The rest are for Stacey. I guess it doesn't matter how powerful your ass is when you get caught scheming and clearly hate everyone you're on the tribe with. Oh, and your closest ally was voted out days ago. Bizarrely, Coach tells his tribe to stand to give Stacey a group hug, like that is something she'd want from them if they all just voted for her to win the million dollars, let alone after they all just voted her weight-bearing ass out. What is he thinking? Not to mention that he goes in for the hug when she's holding her lit torch, thereby making it that much easier for her to set him on fire. She refuses the hug, of course, even though Coach creepily kind of chases after her to get it, leaving him to shrug about Stacey's difficulty to engage with him.
Probst seems kind of disgusted with the group hug thing, saying to Stacey, "after all that, they offered you a hug." "It's not real," Stacey says; "everything was a lie." Well, yeah, much like the one you told to Li'l Li'l Russell about Sophie, Albert, and Mikayla's secret alliance. What did you expect? You hated talking to your tribe so much that you just started talking to the camera instead of them. Of course they voted you out! "I will be back," she promises. Not if Redemption Island Challenge Monster Christine has anything to say about it, she won't.
To read more from Sara Morrison, you can follow her on Twitter, subscribe to her on Facebook or you can even follow the Tumblr thing she had to make for her grad school class this semester (please do! Her professors will be so impressed if she can get followers besides her mother). Email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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