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The new season begins with sixteen Survivors pre-split into two tribes before they even arrive at the beach via helicopter: Ometepe (orange) and Zapatera (purple). After Jeff Probst welcomes them, another helicopter flies into view and dispatches Boston Rob and Russell, who draw buffs to find out which team they'll be joining. Rob goes to Ometepe and Russell goes to Zapatera. Probst really emphasizes the whole "they have experience and can help you angle" but the new contestants aren't fooled. Boston Rob gets a warm reception from his new tribe while Russell's is…less so. Probst also introduces the season's big twist: after being voted off in Tribal Council, the eliminated Survivor goes to Redemption Island to live alone. When another Survivor is voted off, the old loser and the new loser will battle in a duel (a format you may be familiar with from RW/RR Challenge: The Duel, among others). At some point, whoever remains on Redemption Island will re-enter the game. That's kind of interesting, especially if someone goes on a run after being eliminated early, and then comes back and kicks some ass. But since I've watched every season of this show, I'm predicting it will fizzle out.
Early standouts on Zapatera include Stephanie, who quickly allies with Russell with a plan to get to the merge. Also, Ralph, a redneck farmer-type in overalls. And that's kind of it so far.
Early standouts on Ometepe include: Phillip, the former Federal Agent question mark? They literally put a question mark after it on the chyron. He's a little nuts and a little bossy. Also, Francesca, the lawyer, who aligns with Phillip and then regrets it. Also, Kristina, who finds the Hidden Immunity Idol without a clue a la Russell, and also recognizes that they need to get Rob out quickly since many of the younger tribe members seem to be in awe of him.
The first half of the episode is taken up with camp building and getting to know one another. The Immunity Challenge is one of those multiple-step deals where they have to push giant stones, and climb and cut ropes and whatnot until ultimately building a temple out of giant 3D puzzle pieces on a giant platform. Zapatera takes a quick lead and gets to the platform with lots of time, but they take a long time assembling their temple and Ometepe seems to be catching up, largely due to Rob's puzzle-assembling skills. But it's not enough and Zapatera wins Immunity and flint.
There are a lot of machinations before Tribal Council. At first, Francesca and Kristina and Phillip decide to urge everyone to vote out Kristina, while the three of them vote for Rob, so that when Kristina plays the Idol, Rob will go home. In order to convince Phillip to do this, Kristina has to show him the Idol. Meanwhile, Rob has convinced the younger set to split their votes between Kristina and Francesca so at least one of them goes home, since Rob realizes that those two are smart and have his number, and apparently the younger set just falls into lockstep.
But then at Tribal Council, everything goes to shit when Phillip, with little to no prompting from Probst, just opens up and reveals the whole plan, including the fact that Kristina has the Immunity Idol. Kristina and Francesca are like, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." Rob insists on seeing the Idol and then tells Kristina if she gives it to him, she gets to stay this week, with the implication that otherwise she's going home. Which she's not, because she can play the Idol. It was a nice mind-fuck try by Rob, but Kristina didn't fall for it. So by the time the voting starts, no one know what the hell. Kristina doesn’t play the Idol, since everyone knows she has it and presumably didn't vote for her. Rob's minions split the votes like he told them to, and Rob casts the deciding vote to get rid of Francesca, who heads to Redemption Island. Meanwhile, Kristina still has the Immunity Idol, but no allies left.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hey, guys and gals -- it's time for a new season of Survivor! So let's all pretend that terrible season never happened, okay? Because it was terrible. And it's not like I remember every season anyway. There are whole seasons that are just wiped from my memory bank. Like there was a season in Thailand? And one time they divided the tribes up by race? Vague memories. So let's start fresh because there definitely won't be any reminders of seasons past now, right? RIGHT?
A military helicopter soars over the Pacific Ocean, and guess who's inside? No, not Jesse Ventura. He doesn't have time to bleed. It's Jeff Probst! And the newest contestants! Probst explains that the helicopter is being flown by the Nicaraguan Air Force. Everyone in America: "Nicaragua has an air force? How much did the US pay for that?" How come Probst gets to stand up and walk around while everyone else is strapped in? Is it to prove how studly he is? Because that thing has an open back and if they hit one air pocket, Probst would be flying out the back. That would be bad. I shouldn't laugh, just thinking about that.
Let's meet some of the new castaways. First up is a totally normal, average guy. He's middle-aged, but looks to be in good shape. His name is Phillip. He owns his own software company. Okay, I get it. He's smart, but he probably likes to hike and rock climb on the weekends, right? And then they put up his chyron and he explains that he's a former Federal Agent. Except the chyron lists it as "Former Federal Agent?" So either he's lying, or the show couldn't verify this information, or both. So that's your first clue that Phillip might be a little bit looney tunes. And he seemed so normal for the first three seconds I knew him!
Then there's Matt, a pre-med student and a Christian. I was just watching that House episode where House bullies one of the candidates to join his team due to his religion, and wonders how he reconciles a literal translation of the Bible with science. That is a good question. I would suspect they don't think about it much. Anyway, Matt is like Fabio 2.0 except obviously smart if he's in medical school. Then again, he's pre-med, which just means he's taking some anatomy and physiology courses. If he hasn't passed organic chemistry yet, I don't consider him a med student. That was the dream-killer in my undergraduate years. Many a friend changed majors because they couldn't pass o-chem.
I just noticed that these people have already been divided into tribes. So Phillip and Matt are wearing orange buffs and they are on the Ometepe tribe. And our newest castaway, Ralph, is wearing a purple buff and he's on the Zapatera tribe. He's also wearing overalls and a shirt with the sleeves cut off. I will give you three guesses as to what kind of accent he has and what his profession is, based on that information. Oh, don't get fancy with your guesses. This is Survivor He will absolutely fulfill the stereotype; he's got a Southern accent and he's a farmer. Why he is not chewing on a hayseed also, I do not know.
And that's all we get to meet so far! Back to Probst who blathers on and about the challenge of a lifetime and strangers who have to figure out whom to trust and, dude, it's the 22nd season. I think we get it. Then the camera pulls back and shows Probst sitting in the back of the chopper with his legs dangling out into thin air. I would bet a million dollars that he was wearing a harness under his shirt for that shot.
After credits, the helicopter lands on the beach. Probst hops out first and then helps the others out. As they mosey on over to the mats, we meet Mike from Zapatera, who is an Iraq War veteran. He looks like G.I. Joe, and he says that he thinks he's going to win because he's been trained for this. I don't think he knows what show he's on. He does understand that this is Survivor right? And not like Surviving the Elements? Actual survival tactics matter very little on this show. Unless his peers in the military were stabbing one another in the back all the time, I don't know that he has received the proper training.
The helicopter takes off and Probst welcomes them to the show. But then, he announces that there are two more players joining them. Why, who ever could it be? At least they don't draw it out too long, since we all know who these two will be: Boston Rob and Russell. Boston Rob has packed on a few more pounds, although I guess that's a good strategy since you know you're going to lose some along the way. Russell, whatever. I refuse to give that asshole any attention. The assembled contestants are delighted to see Rob, and seem to have mixed emotions about Russell.
Sidebar: Here are two reasons why Jeff Probst needs a reality check and has been spending too much time in Survivor world and doesn't understand how the rest of the world works anymore. Number one, according to his blog, before the game started, he gathered the contestants together and played "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and screamed the lyrics in their faces. The lyrics that he read from a piece of paper. Just picture that happening for a moment. Are you getting douche chills? Because I am. And second, he said before the season that if you don't like Russell, you're not a true fan of the show (I'm paraphrasing.) Okay. I can appreciate that Russell mixes things up and makes things exciting. But so does Boston Rob. So have a lot of contestants. I don't like watching Russell for the same reason I didn't like watching Jonny Fairplay; they are assholes down to the bone (unlike Rob, who puts it on for effect and often seems a little chagrined about it), and I don't like rewarding that kind of behavior with attention, positive or negative. And frankly, I don't like someone telling me how to think about one of the people on the show. If you are a producer of the show and I am having the "wrong" reaction as a viewer, then you are to blame, not me. You should have edited or cast the show differently. Anyway, sorry to go off on that, but this is probably the only episode of the show I will recap this season and I had to get that off my chest.
A young contestant named Stephanie interviews that she wants Russell to notice her and see the evil in her eyes, and choose to take her to the finals. Because she feels that if he doesn't, she'll be quickly eliminated. So she's assuming Russell will go to the finals? She is dumb. She needs to get voted out first. Probst reminds everyone how awesome Rob and Russell are. Rob is great at challenges, and he's played three times and made it to the finals once, but never won. Russell made really strong alliances in back-to-back seasons, made it to the end twice, and didn't win. They don't mention that probably the only reason Russell made it so far in the second season was because the people playing hadn't seen his first season so they didn't know what to expect. Things may be different this time. We'll see. And if Russell is smart enough to change up his game plan as a result, I might grant him some grudging respect. But time will tell. First, he has to lose the doucheball hat.
Francesca, one of the contestants, notes that Rob and Russell are sizing them up like prey, and they are two of the most famous troublemakers in the show's history, so she's on guard. She's right, but she should have kept that observation to herself possibly. The guys choose buffs to find out who goes to which tribe. Russell is going to Zapatera and Rob is going to Ometepe. Rob's tribe cheers and hoots and hollers, and they welcome him with open arms. Russell's tribe is kind of like, "Yay?" except that one girl, Stephanie, who's trying REAL HARD to catch Russell's eye. So he can see the evil. That girl weighs a hundred pounds soaking wet. That's not much evil.
And then Probst drops the big bomb: when they are voted out at Tribal Council, they don't go home. They go to Redemption Island, where they will live alone, in the same style that the people at camp are living. And then when the person is voted out, the two people square off in a duel. The winner stays, and the loser is out of the game for good. At some unspecified point, the person currently on Redemption Island will return to continue the game. That seems a little fishy; it seems like the producers will just wait until either Rob or Russell is on Redemption Island and then let them return. This is a good twist, I think, with a lot of opportunity for producer intervention. I wish they had introduced it in a season without Rob and Russell. We get an interview with Russell where he claims that Redemption Island doesn't scare him, and that if he goes, he'll beat anyone they send out and then return to the game and take some heads off. So he's learned...nothing? Because if he does get to return, he will probably need to kiss some ass, not kick it, if he wants to stick around.
Probst tosses maps to the two tribes and they head to their camps. Francesca interviews that Redemption Island adds a wrinkle, because even if they can get rid of Rob and Russell (her plan, obvs), they might come back. She adds that she wasn't even thinking about getting voted out herself, but instead focused on getting rid of someone and having him or her come back. Something about her verb tense in that interview made me think that it was filmed AFTER she was voted out. Hmm.
I'm not going to recap the stupid "What If" segments because I don't recap commercials, but I felt I should mention them for people who didn't see them. Basically, they used the excuse of Redemption Island to explore "What if person X had come back into the game?" No one cares.
After the break, we join Zapatera as they arrive at their camp. Russell interviews that he's absolutely going to win this season, and his plan is to sit his tribe down and become their leader. So that will probably work. Because anyone who saw his last two seasons will blindly follow him. Or, they might try to vote him out first. Just saying. Russell gets everyone's attention and gives a little speech about how he's not there to sabotage anything, because that would be dumb, given his reputation, but he does want to win. Okay, then. I totally believe him. You guys? David, an attorney, interviews that it would be stupid to trust Russell, since he's made it to the finals twice, although he hasn't won. David has Russell's number: Russell is too aggressive and wants the blood on his hands, and that's why he hasn't won yet.
So the tribes have been given a tool box filled with nails and tools and whatnot. That seems like cheating. Although I guess it still requires having someone who knows how to hammer in a nail. Luckily, Ralph the Redneck Farmer has those kinds of skills. He immediately starts laying out where their shelter should go, but not in a jerky way. There's some other dude on Zapatera who has white hair but also a six-pack. I'm just going to call him Silver Fox. He reminds me of Rob Lowe's character on Parks and Recreation because he always seems really happy and obviously works out. Anyway, Ralph whips off his shirt to get to work, as you do, and reveals a copious man sweater. I guess they don't have waxing down on the farm. So then there's an inspirational montage of everyone working together to assemble the shelter. One of the ladies totally does not know how to use a hammer. You don't hold it up by the head! You hold it closer to the bottom so you can get some force behind it. Damn. Also, Russell is just walking around watching everything, while Ralph is hoisting people up on his shoulders so they can nail things together. Who's the leader of the tribe again?
Over at Ometepe, Rob has taken charge of assembling the shelter. Well, I don't know how much he has taken charge and how much everyone else has put him in charge, as they all seem to be sort of standing around waiting for him to tell them what to do. One of the younger ladies even asks Rob to tell her how to do something (gather firewood maybe?) and he says that she knows what she's doing, but in a nice way. Her name is Natalie, and she is a professional dancer. Like a pole dancer? Or like a ballerina? Anyway, she doesn't seem super bright. But she's definitely in touch with her feelings.
Phillip, the Federal Agent Question Mark, starts bossing people around like he's Rob's partner in shelter assembly. Francesca tries to dig a hole but she's wearing these flimsy sandals so she's not having much luck. Phillip comes over and offers to do it, and Francesca says she doesn't mind. Phillip reveals the real reason he came over; he feels like Francesca is digging wrong. Rather than sit through a lecture on digging a hole, Francesca surrenders the shovel and rolls her eyes, and I don't blame her. She interviews that Phillip is annoying and aggressive, and that could turn people off. One of the younger ladies, Andrea, is hacking a limb apart with a hatchet, and has her foot right to where she is chopping. I steeled myself on first viewing, waiting for television's first reality amputation, because that is a dumb maneuver. Phillip comes over and points out that she's doing it wrong (he loves to tell people when they're doing it wrong, doesn't he?), and she also kind of rolls her eyes. I think he was right, though. Andrea interviews that she grew up on a farm, and she knows how to use a hatchet. Yeah, but I'm betting when she was working on the farm, she wore shoes or some other form of foot protection.
Now all of the women on the tribe (and is this tribe heavily female or what?) are helping Phillip put together the roof, and he calls them all around him so that he can reveal some VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION: he is a former Federal Agent. They all blink at him, waiting for the important information. Since he gets no reaction, Phillip starts babbling about how he's an expert at telling when people are lying, and also he has seven sisters, so he loves women. I think Phillip just watched a bunch of FOX television shows and picked and chose personality traits. He's Jack Bauer AND he's Tim Roth from Lie to Me. Francesca interviews that no one cared about Phillip's big revelation, but they did get some comic relief out of it.
The other older woman on Ometepe, Kristina (who is a law student but she seems kind of old to be a student but maybe it's a midlife career change and...moving on) is kind of nosing around, looking for a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. One of the other women (Andrea? I don't know) joins her, although Kristina claims she's just going through the stuff they were given to see what's there. Boston Rob walks over and asks if she's found anything, and Kristina plays innocent. Rob figures out an excuse to send Andrea away and then tells Kristina that he knows what she's doing and asks if she found anything, but he manages to ask in such a way that A) she tells him the truth and B) it seems like now they are on the same side against the rest of the tribe. He does this in like two muttered sentences. He is a Survivor savant. Kristina grins at him and says she hasn't found anything, and as they head back to rejoin the tribe, Rob asks her to keep the others away from the stuff so no one else finds anything either. Kristina interviews that she hopes no one else noticed what she was doing because she doesn't want a reputation as an aggressive strategizer, but she does want the HII.
As the women work on the roof of the shelter, Rob sidles up to Phillip and says that there are five girls and four guys on the tribe, so the guys need to stick together. Phillip tries to ally himself with Rob, but Rob says that they'll talk about it later. Cut to an interview with Phillip where he brags that Rob was sizing him up because they are the two lions of the tribe, and then Phillip makes lion noises, and then he flashes his bicep at the camera and I don't know what just happened but Phillip is crazy.
Phillip and Kristina wander away from the main area a bit to have a talk. Phillip relays his conversation with Rob about watching out for the younger girls, since the women have a majority. Kristina just makes noncommittal responses. Phillip adds that Rob is going to try to play him like a fool, so Phillip is just going to play along. I don't doubt that it will be easy for Phillip to act like a fool. Kristina is either a terrible judge of character or just desperate to make an alliance with someone, because she tells Phillip that he seems solid and she wants to work with him. They shake hands on it. Well, that's not obvious.
"Hey, what's going on over at Zapatera?" wonders absolutely no one. Too bad! Russell and Stephanie go off to "find tree mail," but they actually find the well, and also discuss their tribe. Stephanie thinks the other tribe looks more physical (really? With all the women, plus old creepy Phillip? Okay.) Anyway, Russell quizzes her on her knowledge of his seasons, and there is a very flirtatious vibe between them as she giggles that she really believed him when he said he had changed. Russell gets serious and says that they will work together, but it means they can't be seen together after this, and once they get to the merge, all bets are off. Stephanie agrees, and they head back to camp. Stephanie has crazy eyes, if you ask me.
Meanwhile, back at camp, Mike (Iraq War vet) and some lady are noticing Russell talking to various women and trying to consolidate his power. Later, Mike and David (some other dude) are gathering fruit and discussing how Russell always picks a cute girl and takes her to the finals, and he's obviously set his sights on Stephanie. So much for that under-the-radar alliance. Mike and David vow to stop Russell from repeating his strategy. Mike interviews that there are no pros to keeping Russell around, and he wants to get Russell out ASAP.
What if I didn't give a shit about these What If commercials? Why, you don't have to wonder! I do not give any shits about them.
So apparently nothing of interest happened on Day 2, and we have now skipped right to the morning of Day 3. We're at Ometepe, and everyone is hanging out in his or her underwear, as you do. Except Rob, who thankfully keeps his cargo pants and shirt on at all times. I thank him for that. So all of the younger girls on Ometepe are clearly under Rob's spell. They are teasing him about his hair and following him around. Also under Rob's spell are Matt, the pre-med Christian, and some other white dude with dreads. So they only people that are not are Kristina, Francesca, and Phillip. Kristina interviews that she thinks Rob's dangerous to have around, because she sees the influence he has on the others, and she plans to target him early on to the best of her abilities. On the one hand, I like Rob and would like him to stick around, but on the other hand, that is really the best strategy.
Cut to midday. Kristina is wandering around with a shovel, alone. She's looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. I wonder what she told people she was doing. Anyway, she decided to look for landmarks, knowing that the Idols are usually hidden near them. And sure enough, she finds it. Didn't the producers say that they were going to make them more difficult to find after Russell's run? She just found it without a clue. Anyway, Kristina finds it, reads the note, and then reburies it in a different spot.
Later, Kristina watches as Rob walks down the beach with his followers, and then interviews that she has some power with the HII, and could use it to take Rob out. She could, but should she? I feel like Kristina found the HII and the power kind of went to her head. Anyway, Kristina has a talk with the other non-Rob followers, Francesca and Phillip. And let me tell you something about Phillip: throughout this conversation, he is wearing only a pair of droopy faded pink briefs. Like so droopy that you worry about parts falling out. So it's kind of difficult to take him seriously. Anyway, the three of them all agree to work together and take Rob out.
But then Phillip needs more details; he wants to know who else will be voting with them, because they only have three votes and that's obviously not enough. Kristina obviously doesn't want to tell him about the HII so she just keeps telling him not to worry about it, and she's sorry she ever said anything to him. Okay. Phillip is crazy, no doubt. But I don't think he's wrong to want more details of their plan. They're just asking him to vote, and as far as he knows, it's going to be a futile effort. Maybe he thinks he could bring some people into their alliance. Of course, because he's crazy, Phillip manages to make it into a discussion of Philip's Rules of Order and who can talk when and how he's a Federal Agent Question Mark. Francesca and Kristina are obviously regretting ever starting this conversation. The others return to camp, so they shut it down and agree to talk if their tribe loses the Immunity Challenge. And of course, after Francesca and Kristina say the conversation is over, Phillip has to repeat, "We're done. We're done." So everyone knows that HE ended the conversation. Oh, Lord. Francesca and Kristina could not have picked a worse alliance partner, it seems. It couldn't get even worse, could it?
Francesca wins my heart with this interview segment: "I don't know how it happened! How did I get stuck with the old annoying guy with the droopy fuchsia briefs? He's such a pain in my ass. [faux-bright] Did I mention we're in an alliance together? How...awesome." I would like to hang out with her. And I'm still loving her pink sundress. However, she is screwed.
Time for the first challenge! The two tribes arrive on the beach. Probst explains the challenge, which is quite physical. First, the tribes have to push four giant blocks alone a track to build the base of a huge temple. Once the four blocks are in place, they all run up some steps and one person uses an axe to cut through a bunch of ropes, which will release another set of steps. The entire tribe then climbs up to the very top of the temple, where they have to put together a 3D puzzle of giant Tetris-like blocks to complete the temple. The first tribe to finish the puzzle wins Immunity and fire, while the other tribe goes to Tribal Council. Got it? Three stages: pushing, chopping, and then puzzle assembly. Let's do it.
Probst calls the start and both tribes take off running. It seems like Zapatera benefits in the first stage from having more dudes. They get some good momentum going with the blocks while Ometepe seems to actually stop all forward movement at times. Zapatera gets all four blocks in place while Ometepe is just starting with their last block. Ralph does the chopping for Zapatera, and they quickly move on to the third stage. Ometepe finally moves on to the second stage and Matt takes what feels like forever to chop through the ropes. David appears to take the lead in helping Zapatera with the puzzle, but you have Rob the Puzzle Master on the other side, and Ometepe quickly closes the gap. David appears to let Russell take the lead on the puzzle, though I've seen it written elsewhere that David was still actually calling the shots, quietly. So he's one to watch. Anyway, despite making great strides, Ometepe can't close the deal and Zapatera wins immunity.
Probst awards the Immunity Idol to Russell and Zapatera, along with the flint. Russell makes a gesture to Rob like, "See what I got? Don't you wish that you had it?" Rob just looks worried and kind of disgusted. We've had VERY few interviews with Rob so far, no? For someone who usually loves to spew his big opinions about everything? I wonder what he's thinking. Anyway, Russell interviews that his tribe is stronger, faster, and smarter, and Rob must be worried.
Ometepe trudges back to camp after the challenge. Ashley (who?) interviews that she knows it's weird, but she feels like they let Rob down, since he's their leader and all. Rob would probably do well to pretend like he doesn't want to be the leader, since the leader usually gets picked off. Then again, since they all think he's the leader, most of them plan to do whatever he tells them to do.
Everyone goes for a swim to wash the stink of loser-dom off their bodies. Kristina and Francesca hang back, and Kristina reveals that she has the HII. Francesca is like, "Who? Why? How? What?" Kristina lays out her plan: she doesn't think they can trust the other women, so they should convince everyone to vote for Kristina, while Kristina, Francesca, and Phillip vote for Rob. Then Kristina will play the idol, and Rob will go home. I do think it's a good move; I don't know that I would play the idol that quickly. Especially since Rob wouldn't go home; he'd go to Redemption Island and potentially come back, more pissed off than ever. Anyway, Francesca is still like, "But...you didn't have a clue? How did you find the HII?"
So Kristina is trying to make the conversation quick so no one else sees them conspiring, but then at some point she takes Francesca to see the HII in its hiding spot (right to where she found it, so....not a great hiding spot.) Francesca interviews that she thinks it would be exciting to get rid of Rob, and it would feel good in the moment, but they also have to consider that he's a great competitor and they might need him for challenges. Francesca tries to be rational about it and tells Kristina that Natalie seems to be the weakest tribe member, and maybe they should vote her out. Francesca points out that if they pull off this bold move of ditching Rob, everyone will be pissed at them and probably seek retaliation, and right now they have the weak alliance of three, so they don't have the numbers to protect themselves. Kristina sees her point and asks for time to think it over, and then they hug because Kristina knows she's not going home tonight. So then I thought that Kristina was somehow going to get sent home. Because, sweet irony.
They try to edit it like Rob was watching Kristina and Francesca the whole time, but I don't think he was. Anyway, Kristina and random girl whose name I don't know yet wander up and ask Rob who he's going to vote for tonight. Rob says he doesn't know yet, and they can talk about it later. So then Kristina really awkwardly wanders off. When you are with a small group and they say they don't know who they're voting for, they're voting for you. That's Survivor 101. We finally get an interview with Rob where he says that originally he wanted to vote off Francesca, because she knew from the jump that Rob was sneaky, but then Kristina was the one looking for the HII immediately, which makes her dangerous.
Rob and his minions wander down the beach and Rob lays out his thoughts for them. He knows Kristina was looking for the HII, and he thinks she might have found it. Everyone else is like, "What? HII? Already? Huh?" It just goes to show that Rob is right to try to get rid of Kristina and vice versa because the rest of these people are JV at best, and Rob and Kristina are varsity. Anyway, Rob says that even if she doesn't have the HII, they should split their vote to be safe. The three guys (Rob, Matt, and White Dreds) will vote for Francesca and the three girls (Andrea the hatchet master, Angela the dumb nurse, and Natalie the dumb dancer) will vote for Kristina. Presumably, if there is a 3-3-3 tie, there will be a revote and Rob can just switch his vote to Kristina and send her home. Or, Kristina will play the HII and then there will be a Francesca/Rob 3-3 tie, and in the revote, all the girls will vote for Francesca and send her home. Rob reminds everyone not to switch his or her vote NO MATTER WHAT. He wants them to just stay cool and don't get persuaded by crazy shenanigans back at camp.
Meanwhile, Kristina and Phillip are standing around at camp. Phillip is babbling about a hyper state of arousal and dehydration and that's why he was acting weird earlier. Um, okay. And also, he's a freaking weirdo. Anyway, Kristina just sits there, staring into space, and finally she makes a decision and shows Phillip that she has the HII. She interviews that she didn't want to show him, but she also didn't want him to make a last-minute switch because he got nervous that they didn't have the votes. So Kristina assumes that everyone is voting for her? I wish we had seen more about why she thinks that is true. Because even if she thinks that the others don't know about the HII, they could be voting all six for Francesca, and then she plays the HII for no reason and Rob stays regardless. That seems like a disaster in the making. I don't know why she thinks her plan is so foolproof. Perhaps I need to watch some videos on CBS's website or something. Kristina tells the camera that she needed to let Phillip feel powerful (as we see her kissing his ass and telling him that she needs his brain power and analytical thinking in her alliance), but she's worried that he won't be able to keep the HII a secret. Oh, I'm sure that won't be a problem.
Phillip, the former Federal Agent Question Mark, gives a nice speech to the camera about how it may not be in the tribe's best interests to get rid of Rob, but it is definitely in Phillip's best interests, so it's happening. Phillip claps his hands, grins at the camera and promises, "Goodbye, Rob! And you're looking at the new leader of our tribe." This guy is gold. I don't know who cast him, but I hope that person got a raise of some sort.
The Ometepe tribe enters Tribal Council, grabs their torches, and lights them from the fire. Fasten your seatbelts, kids. This might be the most entertaining Tribal Council I've ever seen. So let's review what we know going in: Kristina has the HII. Francesca and Phillip know that, and those three are voting for Rob. Meanwhile, the remaining three women are voting for Kristina and the remaining three men are voting for Francesca. And they suspect that Kristina might have the HII. So that's where we are headed into it -- whether Kristina plays the HII or not, there will be a tie and a revote.
Probst gives his usual spiel about fire representing life in the game before acknowledging that things are different this season because of Redemption Island, but let's not talk about that now, because it ruins the dramatic torch-lighting thing we've got going.
Once everyone is seated, Probst starts with Rob and asks how things are going. Rob's no dummy; he knows to deflect everything to Phillip and then sit back and watch the fireworks fly. So Rob says that everyone got to work, and Phillip stepped up and took over, and they worked together to build a good shelter. Phillip says that he doesn't know if he's the leader but he doesn't mind telling people what needs doing. Francesca rolls her eyes so hard, I'm surprised Probst didn't hear it, much less see it and call her out on it. Probst asks Christian Pre-Med Matt if Phillip is the leader and Matt says that if Phillip thinks you're doing something counter-productive, he will call you out, and that's not always well-received on day one. Phillip already looks pissed off. Just note that. They started out by dissing Phillip.
Probst moves on to ask Francesca about the reasons for making someone the first boot. Francesca gives the PC answer that you want to have a physically strong tribe, so it follows that a woman will be the first to go, but you never know. Kristina says that she doesn't feel safe, and shows that she brought her bag, which is totally full of clothes and definitely not the HII at all! Rob laughs behind her, because he's totally onto her. Probst says that the guys might feel safe, but Rob has "an asterick [sic] to [his] name." Rob knows he might go home and there's nothing he can do about it.
Probst asks Francesca how Redemption Island changes your game strategy, since people might return. Francesca says that it does make the game more complex, and uses the example of Rob getting voted out, "which he's not going to," and the possibility that he could come back. Note that she used Rob as an example since he was the last one discussed, and it seemed natural. It wasn't like, "She's only mentioning Rob because she's totally voting him out."
But then. THEN. Phillip interrupts as usual to say that he has to take issue with what Francesca just said. He then blabs that Kristina and Francesca asked him to vote for Rob. Francesca tries to talk over him and make him look crazy (NOT THAT HARD) by saying that she never asked him to, and she never asked Kristina to either. Both of which are true; Kristina did the asking, from what we saw. But in a really scary way, I think I understand what Phillip is saying here. He doesn't understand that Francesca was giving a hypothetical, so he thinks that they have changed their minds about their vote for Rob. He says something about not wanting to go down on a sinking ship, so I guess he thinks that they set him up? Meanwhile, Kristina hilariously mouths to Francesca that they should vote for Phillip. I don't blame her, but that's an example of what Rob was talking about; don't get squirrely with your vote. Stick to the plan. Anyway, Phillip concludes that his vote will be for "Fren-chess-qua." She says mildly, "Fran-chess-ka." Rob is CRACKING UP.
SO THEN! Kristina tries to do damage control and says that Phillip might be a little bit unstable, presumably trying to convince people to vote for him because he's a nut job? Like they didn't know that already? Phillip says that Kristina wanted him to vote with her and "Fran-fran-fran-chess-fran" And Francesca inserts, "Chess-ka." She has perfect fucking comic timing. Anyway, Phillip says that he was going to vote with them because Kristina has the Hidden Immunity Idol.
OH, NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!
Yes, Phillip just told everyone that Kristina has the HII. Kristina is pissed. Francesca just puts her head down. Rob is cracking up. Probst is like, "HOT DAMN!" He asks Kristina if she has an idol, and she admits it. I think I would have pleaded the Fifth there. Maybe you could convince Rob it was all a bluff. Probst asks who knew about the HII, and obviously only Kristina, Francesca, and Phillip knew. And the voices in Phillip's head.
So then Rob just takes over like he's the host, and Probst loves him, so he lets it happen. Rob asks if the two women were planning on voting him out. Kristina says she wasn't and Phillip's like, "She was, Rob! She was!" Rob notes that Kristina hasn't explained what her plan really was, then. I think her plan should have been to shut up! She doesn't owe Rob any explanation. Francesca and Kristina both claim that they weren't going to vote for Rob; they just told Phillip they would (because...) but were really planning on voting for Natalie. That's a terrible lie. They should have said they told Phillip they were voting for Rob, but are really voting for Phillip. Then Phillip pipes up again, all sweaty and crazy, and says that he wasn't going to vote for Rob either; he was going to vote for "Fran-quest-ka." She repeats, "Fran-chess-ka" and Phillip says, "My mouth's dry and I'm getting treatment for it." WHAT? That is my excuse for everything from now on. Forgot someone's birthday? My mouth's dry and I'm getting treatment for it. Late for an appointment? My mouth's dry and I'm getting treatment for it. Killed a hobo? My mouth's dry and I'm getting treatment for it. Totally works.
Probst asks Rob who he believes at this point. Rob says that Phillip is pretty adamant about his story, Francesca has adamantly denied it, and Kristina hasn't said much at all. Kristina says they considered getting rid of Rob, and they'd be idiots not to, but it wasn't the plan for tonight. Rob turns to her and asks to see the HII. Kristina PULLS IT OUT OF HER BAG AND HANDS IT TO HIM. I really thought there was going to be some rule invoked where now it belonged to Rob because possession is nine-tenths of the law or something, and Rob knew that, and he was going to invoke it or something. That's the only thing that could have made this TC more awesome. And for those of you wondering why Kristina is doing whatever Rob says, let me tell you something. That dude is fucking charming. And he's a celebrity. Imagine if a charming celebrity of your choice came up to you in a tense, emotional situation, where you were already nervous, and told you to hand something over. You wouldn't even think about it.
Now that Rob has the HII in his paws, he tells Kristina to give him the HII and she can stay. This week? Because she kind of doesn't need Rob's help to stay this week. She has the HII. Rob tries to make it out like it's a sign of trust. He claims that if Kristina is being honest and Phillip is lying, she will give Rob the HII as a sign of trust? Or something? I don't really follow his logic, mostly because I think this was just a grab on his part to see if she was dumb enough to go for it. She's not. He gives Kristina the HII back and says that she can have it and she'll be safe for three more days but after that dot dot dot. He trails off. So are they all assuming that they're never going to win Tribal Immunity? Anyway, Rob signals his minions to stay the course by concluding, "I'm going to do what I said I was going to do with the people I said I was going to do it with." In other words, the votes haven't changed, and don't get squirrely. Probst draws everything to a close by saying that it's been amazing and he has no clue what's about to happen. Neither does a third of the voters, Jeff.
As usual, we only see a few of the votes. Rob reveals that he's voting for Francesca, as promised, and says that it feels good to play with amateurs because they don't know enough to keep their mouths shut. You know what that tells me? Rob is pissed that, if it weren't for crazy Phillip, he'd be going home. Because Rob only gets bitchy like that when he's been caught out. Natalie reveals her vote for Kristina and says that she might stay this week, but she'll go home time. Francesca votes for Phillip and says that his outburst spared Natalie. So she and Kristina were telling the truth? They really were going to vote for Natalie? Why? What? I don't know.
Probst tallies the votes and then asks if anyone wants to play the HII. Kristina probably assumes that, since everyone knows she has it, no one wasted a vote on her, so she doesn't play it. Wow. I kind of thought she might get voted out with the HII, which is just embarrassing. Probst reveals the votes: Kristina, Kristina, Francesca, Phillip, Francesca, Phillip, Kristina, Francesca. So there's a 3-3 tie between Kristina and Francesca, and the final vote is up, and it's for Frincesqua. So we all know that was Phillip. Probst puts out Francesca's torch, because he can't not do the dramatic thing, but then says that she'll be headed for Redemption Island and potentially have a chance to return to the game in the future. She reminds everyone not to trust Phillip as she leaves. Probst tells the remaining tribe members that there will be flint waiting for them back at camp. Kristina looks less than relieved at that news.