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Wow, reunion shows always suck and disappoint, but this was one of the worst in recent memory. First of all, like a quarter of the contestants don't get a chance to say anything at all, while another half only get a few words in edgewise. That's because we need to waste a whole lot of time on Chase's music, Jimmy Johnson, Jimmy Johnson's "friend" Terry Bradshaw who just happens to be in the audience with his own microphone, a few past contestants who just won't get out of the spotlight already, and an explanation of season's "epic twist" that basically turns this show into Real World/Road Rules Challenge. But I guess that's what you have to do when your winner, though looking hot with his new haircut, is almost definitely stoned out of his mind and babbling about ethnomusicology, Shannon can't let go of his need to tell the world that Sash seems gay, and stupid America voted overwhelmingly to give the fan favorite prize to a rather hateful old woman who cries poverty while making $50,000 a year.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!After a short montage of Jud's greatest moments, we begin the reunion show. Probst spent the commercial break changing out of his jungle shirt and into a sweatshirt, like, why bother? Probst asks the "most important" question first: did the Fabio nickname stick or is he back to being Jud? Jud says people have been going up to his mom and asking her why she named her son Fabio, which is pretty funny. He then says he's "still Fabio," although he has "a few characters." And here we begin Jud's amazing - and live -- descent into either madness or stonedness or both. Probst asks Jud if he's that much of a "goofball" or just pretending to be one because he figured that's what people expected from him. Jud says he's "very aware" of the "vibes" he gives off as well as the vibes he gets back from people, and if there's an "imbalance" and ... uh ... I don't know where he went with that, really.
Probst changes the subject quickly to asking about Jud's family history, as if that's something we care about when there are, after all, nineteen other people and only an hour to talk to each of them. "Dude, I have been crazy for a while," Jud says, noting that he comes from a family of artists, like his great-grandfather on his mother's side, who "invented the color wheel." Wow! Jud's great-grandfather is Sir Isaac Newton? Because that's who apparently "invented" the first color wheel, according to my brief internet research. A bunch guys are credited with other color wheels after that, so maybe he means one of them? Or maybe he has no idea what he's talking about, as when we cut to his mother in the audience, she has her head in her hand and looks kind of embarrassed. Jud continues that his great-grandfather on his father's side invented the folding card table. And then Jud starts talking about how he's been doing some "very serious" thinking lately about "human creative powers" and how the jungle has a "certain force you can work with." "Sounds a little crazy, but, it's there, dude," Jud says. Wow.
Probst quickly changes the subject to Jud's modeling career, even though the show always tried to make us think he was just a simple "student." We see a picture of Jud from his pre-Survivor modeling days (hot), and Jud says his life will probably change now that he has a million dollars and seemingly very little sense. "I'm gonna have a lot of fun," he says. Part of that fun includes starting his own production company which will have something to do with "music ethnocology." I think he means ethnomusicology? I went to a college that had an ethnomusicology program, but I don't know what ethnomusicology graduates do except become ethnomusicology professors at other schools. Jud continues: "connecting our dots around the world and undermining the government" and ... uh ... I don't know where he went with that, really. Anyway, Jud is going to be broke in like six months but I don't think he'll mind too much.
Probst gives up on Jud and moves on to Chase, reminding us that he was only one vote away from winning before knocking him for being "wishy-washy" for most of the game. Chase's excuse is that all the lying and backstabbing necessary to be well in this game drove him crazy and he figures that's not such a bad thing since it means he's a good person. Who probably shouldn't have been on this show in the first place, then. Probst asks if he and Brenda had anything romantic going on during the show. Chase says they flirted in the beginning, but were just "good friends" and still are. He adds that he would never hook up with a girl on this show because his mom would see it. THANK YOU, Chase! I never understand why people on reality shows hook up with each other and never seem to care that their family can see it. Keep it in your pants until the show is over and then do it privately. It's not that difficult.
Probst asks Sash about his relationship with Brenda, which, as we all know, was not romantic. By the way, what's the deal with Sash, Chase, Jud, and Ben not shaving before going on TV? Did they take all the razors out of the dressing rooms for fear that Naonka or Jane would try to kill someone with them, or that Jud was just too high to be trusted with one? Unless you're House, please don't go on TV with a half-beard. Thank you. Probst asks Sash why he didn't try to save Brenda by giving her the immunity idol. I love how the immunity idol was pretty much useless this season. I hope we never see it again. Sash and Brenda explain that right before Brenda was voted out, Sash found out that she was plotting to vote him out, thanks to Naonka the tattletale. Brenda didn't deny it when Sash asked her, so he decided it was not a good idea to keep her around. Probst asks Brenda why, if she knew she wasn't getting the idol, did she still do nothing to try to stay in the game. Brenda, who looks amazing, by the way, doesn't really have much of an answer for that, saying that she was "still hoping" for the idol even though she knew it wouldn't happen. And she figured there was no point trying to appeal to people who wanted her out since the beginning of the game. With that, Probst changes the subject back to himself and how he told Sash, during the casting process, that he would be the first person voted out. Why is Probst involved with the casting process at all? You can either be a producer or a host, but not both, Probst. Ridiculous. Plus, he clearly sucks at it, since he was wrong about Sash and probably had a hand in casting such terribleness as Naonka and the other Kelly. Probst apologizes to Sash, who says that when Probst told him he'd be the first person gone, he said he'd see him on Day 39, and he was right.
And here is where we could move on to another contestant and talk to him or her about stuff that happened on the show. Instead, Probst turns back to Chase and talks to him about his life outside of the show and his music career even though the show tried to claim he was a pro race car jackman or whatever. Probst asks if being on the show has helped or hurt his burgeoning career, and Chase says probably neither one. He has to be able to sing and write good music, even though his chosen genre is country so that's impossible. Sorry, country music fans! I don't get it. Chase moved to Nashville and says he's ready to fight his way to the top of the country music charts. Probst grabs a guitar and demands that Chase play for us and waste a few more minutes of time. Everyone claps along with Chase except for Dan and Shannon. Ha! Dan is from Brooklyn, New York, and so doesn't understand this thing called country music, while Shannon hates everyone. Also, we have to look at Rupert in the audience while Chase is playing, which makes me hate it that much more.
Jimmy Johnson was voted out third but he's famous, so we're going to waste more time on him. A montage of his brief and unremarkable time on the show greets us after the break, and Probst asks Jimmy Johnson what makes Survivor so much tougher than football. Jimmy Johnson says football practice is hard, but you get plenty of food and water and you can go home to your nice, soft bed. Not so in Survivor. Probst asks why a 67-year-old guy with plenty of fame and money would do something like this. Jimmy Johnson says he's always been a huge fan of the show and he's been trying to get on it for a while, which should have been easy since he was in good enough with the people behind the scenes to attend various season finale parties, but then the medical team found two blocked arteries during the testing process. He had those fixed, lost weight, and got healthy enough to be able to be on the show. Thus, he claims, Survivor saved his life.
That's a nice story and really should be the end of Jimmy Johnson, but no. Probst runs into the audience to talk to a "buddy" of Jimmy Johnson's he brought to the show with him. Yes, it's Terry Fucking Bradshaw, sitting in the audience with Boston Rob, Cirie, some bored-looking child, and Li'l Russell, who I will apparently be forced to see every season whether he's in the cast or not. Probst asks Bradshaw what he thought when he heard that Jimmy Johnson was doing this show, like, who cares what Bradshaw thought? There are 15 people who were on the show this season up there we haven't heard from yet! While Probst stares up at Bradshaw lovingly, he says he was worried about Jimmy Johnson being so old and was glad he was voted out before he could "hurt himself." Probst says that Jimmy Johnson did really well for someone so old who didn't need the money and thus didn't have the "same drive" to stay in the game. Meanwhile, Dan is sitting there just four years younger than Jimmy Johnson and apparently just as rich wondering why he's not getting any credit for staying in the game three times as long as Jimmy Johnson did. I don't know, Dan. I don't know.
Bradshaw says that Jimmy Johnson is very competitive and driven and that this is "the most important thing he's ever done" after his football and family stuff. And as he says this, someone totally farts. I don't know if it was Probst or Bradshaw, but it was definitely a fart. For the record, my money is on Probst because he blinked and kind of nodded at the same time as the fart, while Bradshaw just kept on talking like nothing happened. I took an informal poll of my family and my dad said he didn't want to talk about this disgusting display while my mom said she also thinks it was Probst, saying "he's definitely working on something there" in the seconds leading up to the fart, adding "he should control himself!" If it was Probst, that sucks for Bradshaw because when I searched around the internet to see if anyone else noticed, most people were blaming him. And I wouldn't have given it this much attention except that Probst had no problem showing Naonka farting on national television, so now he knows how it feels. Or rather, Bradshaw knows how it feels. Anyway, while Probst giggles in embarrassment, Bradshaw continues that Jimmy Johnson did something none of the other Fox football broadcaster people would or could. Probst sucks up to Bradshaw some more, shaking his hand and saying he appreciates him coming out to ruin the reunion show.
Probst heads back to the stage to actually talk to some people who were on the show, addressing Holly by saying "you lost your mind those first few days" and asking what the deal was with her and Dan's shoes. Dan, by the way, apparently spent the entire time from the end of filming until now in a tanning booth. The man is dark. And I doubt he got a tan like that in the middle of winter in Brooklyn, New York. He's also wearing an intentionally untied bow tie, because he really is that cool. Anyway, Holly, who still looks great despite having a little too much makeup on, says in those first few days of the show she hadn't gotten much sleep and was feeling very homesick, and something about the way Dan talked about how much money he had really pissed her off and so she flipped out on his shoes. But, she says, she has a gift for Dan tonight. It's not alligator shoes, since Dan already has 20 more pairs of them at home, but a pair of full quill ostrich cowboy boots, as she heard that Dan likes cowboy boots. Dan seems to like the gift, as he holds it up and smiles. He and Holly kiss and make up, which is great for Holly because now she won't wake up with a horse's head in her bed.
Probst asks Dan just how much money he actually has. How rude! As it turns out, Dan would prefer not to answer that question, saying he doesn't want the IRS to know. Ha! Dan is so awesome, even if he probably is a tax cheat. Just like Al Capone! He then points out his sons in the audience because he thinks Probst actually cares about him and his family. Probst does not. Neither do I, now that I see that both of his sons have girlfriends. Probst doesn't like Dan refusing to answer his question and giving his family shout-outs, so he goes to a commercial break.
We get the inevitable Jane is Awesome montage on our way back, which I probably would have wanted to see before her last episode when she turned into a nasty bitter old lady. I am totally over Jane now, but it seems that many people feel differently, as Probst claims that she's "one of the most popular contestants" this season, due in part to her admittedly kickass challenge performances. He asks Jane what she did to prepare for the show even though we heard about this stuff on the show itself, and Jane again tells us that she did a lot of exercising, mostly using stuff she bought off of infomercials. She also prepared for the survival aspect of the show by starting fires at home using flint and her glasses.
Probst then asks why she and Marty had so many problems with each other, and Jane says that when she tried to ally with Marty on Day 1, he "fluffed [her] off." "Marty, did you fluff off Jane?" Probst asks. Marty explains that he wasn't too hot on allying with Jane because she already allied with Wendy Jo and Jimmy T., which he thought showed poor judgment on her part. Jane denies making those alliances. I don't really care one way or the other, but if I recall correctly, it did seem to me at the time that she had something going with Wendy Jo and Holly. "It was just about the game," Marty makes sure to say, because for him, it was. Not for Jane though, who I believe is still refusing to speak to a few of her fellow contestants. Marty says he's not particularly interested in a friendship with Jane after this, probably because he's still pissed about what she said about his kids when she voted him out. I don't blame him.
With that, we get the Naonka montage. Naonka is horrible to Kelly B. Naonka is horrible to Jud. Naonka is horrible to everyone at Tribal Council. Naonka quits. The audience both cheers and boos her, and she looks great tonight, even though she still sucks. Probst asks Naonka if what we saw on TV was the "real" her, and "is anyone really like that?" Well, yes, if the editors choose to show them in the worst possible light. To Naonka's credit, she admits that she "acted a fool" on the show, although she thought she was doing what she needed to do to win the game. Yeah, it was so important for her to win the game that she quit it on Day 28. With an immunity idol. "I really didn't think that I was gonna be a villain," she says. Probst finds this hard to believe, pointing out that Naonka attacked a woman with only one leg. Seriously, though. I think the only person who can get away with attacking someone who is missing a limb without looking like a giant asshole is Dr. Richard Kimble. Naonka says she didn't see Kelly B. as someone missing a leg, but as a fellow competitor. Right, because it's totally fine to attack someone as long as she has all her limbs. Also, Naonka's argument that she's so open-minded that she doesn't see people as having handicaps falls a bit short when you remember Naonka's interview segments, where she was perfectly happy to go on and on about Kelly B.'s handicap and how she wanted to throw her prosthetic leg in the fire. Probst asks Kelly B. if Naonka's defense is "fair." Yes, because I'm sure fairness is very important to someone who happened to be born with a defect that caused her to live her entire life sans one leg. Kelly B. says it is, because she signed up for the same game as everyone else and so should be held to the same standards. And then she talks about free rides on Naonka's back while Naonka nods. I guess this is something that happened that didn't make it to the show, because I have no idea what she's talking about.
Anyway, that's enough from Kelly B. Let's talk to Naonka some more even though contestants who didn't quit the show have yet to be addressed. Probst asks what the reaction has been from parents of her students. Naonka says she still has her job despite how she came off on television, although some concerned parents have tried to pull their kids out of her class. She wants us all to know that we saw her on a reality TV show playing for a million dollars, which has "nothing to do" with her real life. That's all well and good, but she still said horrible things about a woman with one leg and about how she wanted to throw her fake leg in the fire and hit her with it while everyone else, who was also playing the same game for the same amount of money, managed not to say shit like that. So that points to a personal flaw that has nothing to do with whether or not she was on reality television. Naonka concludes that it's "ridiculous" to be judged in her work by the way she acted on a reality TV show. Sorry, but it's ridiculous to think you can go on a national television show and act however you want and it not come back to bite you in the ass. Especially if you're a "teacher."
Probst asks Naonka why she quit the show. WHO CARES? We heard her reasons on the show when it happened. Does Probst think she's going to say she regrets her decision and apologize to everyone she offended with her quittingness? Because she won't. She says she simply "had enough" and actually wanted to quit earlier but Chase talked her out of it. "I didn't know that rainforest was gonna be a rainforest," she says. Dumbass. But at least she won't be shocked if she ever goes to Greenland, since she'll apparently expect it not to be what the name clearly advertises. Probst decides that we need to hear more about Naonka, this time from her mother. Ugh. I hope Probst farts again. Stay out of the audience! I want to hear from the contestants.
That said, Naonka's mom looks pretty fabulous. Zena says she wasn't surprised by the Naonka she saw on television, though it sounds like she was disappointed. She says she told her daughter to "go out there and kick ass," but "she did a little more than I had expected." Zena says her daughter couldn't and didn't tell her anything that happened on the show, so every week when a new episode came on, Zena was just as surprised as the rest of us and "couldn't believe what I was watching." Ha ha ha! Zena rules. They should have put her on instead of Naonka. Also, she's taller than Probst. He asks Zena if Naonka takes after her mother, and Zena is quick to point out that Naonka gets half of her genes from her father, and those are apparently the asshole genes. Ha! Way to call out Naonka and Naonka's dad on live TV, Zena! You rule. Even Probst has to admire her: "your mom just threw you under the bus!" Zena adds that she loves her daughter. This somehow segues into Probst informing us that after the outcry when Naonka and the other Kelly were allowed to stay on the jury even though they quit, there is a new rule that says that if you quit the show, they can take you off the jury. Or not. They get to decide. Um ... isn't that the rule already? They totally could have taken Naonka and the other Kelly off the jury; they just couldn't be bothered. Meanwhile, Zena is still standing there like, "um, can I sit down now? Don't fart on me."
Anyway, it's time to give out the fan favorite award, which every season is awarded to the person the editors loved the most and makes me lose just a little bit more faith in the American people. Sure enough, it goes to Jane, who won it by the largest margin in the history of the contest. Jane is very happy about this, and tells us that she makes $50,000 a year, the extra 100k is great. HOLD THE PHONE. 50k a year and she's crying about how poor she is? The hell? How is 50k a year poor? What is she spending all that money on? That's like twice the poverty line! It's four thousand dollars ABOVE the median household income in America, and probably even more above that of her precious North Carolina! JANE IS NOT POOR. Or likeable. Boo.
And now, someone who is even less likeable than Jane -- Shannon! Probst says he'll give Shannon a chance to redeem himself, but Shannon doesn't think he needs to be redeemed, saying he simply called a duck a duck. Sash seemed gay to him, so he asked if he was gay. Shannon starts to say something about how he met Sash's girlfriend, but Probst cuts him off at this point and says that clearly, Shannon is standing by his behavior so he doesn't want to speak to him anymore. What, no trip to the audience to talk to Shannon's mom? Weird. Also, this kind of sucked for Shannon, because I think he was about to say that he changed his mind and now believes Sash is straight after meeting his girlfriend, only for Probst to interrupt him before he could get that part out and making Shannon look like even more of an asshole than before.
Probst turns to Wendy Jo and her chartreuse outfit with matching cowboy hat and reminds us all that her husband predicted that she'd be the first person off and she totally was. Wendy Jo insists that her husband was wrong, since he said she would be voted off if she sang and danced and was generally annoying. Therefore, she stayed quiet and low-key and believes she was voted out because of that. Somehow, I think her tribemates could sense her annoyingness and weirdness despite her silence. "I'm not really sure what you just said," Probst says, and moves on to Jimmy T. to ask him if he learned anything from this show. Jimmy T. is even twitchier than he was on the show, and says he came into the show thinking he knew exactly what to do to win it, only to not do any of it and play with his heart (or his "haht," as Jimmy T. says it) instead of his head. We've heard that before, nothing new to see here.
Instead of moving on to Tyrone, Probst skips over to Alina and says she seemed to have a "great time" on the show and was always smiling and laughing, even when she was voted off. Really? Wasn't she really bitter about that? And crying when she was on the jury? Alina says she loved her time on the show, even though she had to spend it with Naonka. Probst cuts her off to say that she and the rest of the contestants are now part of the Survivor "family," which just added a new member and another excuse for Probst to leave the stage full of contestants he clearly hates to talk to someone in the audience.
Yes, Boston Rob is here for more camera time. Probst reminds us that Rob met his wife on the show and says they just had a second child. Carina Rose was born like 10 days ago and looks very cute in the picture. Probst says the story of her delivery is pretty dramatic and asks Rob to tells us about it, but then the Survivor band totally starts to play him off, so Rob has to say very quickly that Amber gave birth ten minutes after they arrived at the hospital. And there's more to that story, but neither Probst nor Rob seem to be able to tell it properly and the producers are clearly frantically waving Probst to go to a commercial. He lets Rob read off the teleprompter so he can probably go off-camera to fart some more.
Probst tells us that this year, the charity being sponsored by proceeds from the eBay auction is not his Serpentine Project, which can apparently go fuck itself, but Operation Smile, which let Probst into an OR to watch cleft palette surgery. Good times! With that, he gives us a preview of season's "game-changing twist" that will no doubt suck worse than the Medallion of Power. Yes, it seems that season, when a player is voted off, he will not be out of the game, but sent to Redemption Island until the player is voted out, when they'll face off in a "head to head duel." Whoever wins that stays on the stupid island. The loser leaves for real. And then, at some point, the redemption island king (and mark my words, it will be a guy. They are not going to let another Pearl Islands Lill happen, unfortunately) gets to re-enter the game. Probst says this will force players to make new strategies and it's the biggest twist ever, blah blah blah. It sounds like the Real World/Road Rules Challenge to me, and it makes me very sad to see this show ripping off something so crappy and, quite frankly, beneath it.
Probst explains how the game works again just to waste more time that could be spent on talking to the contestants, and, even worse, points out former contestants in the audience to serve as examples while doing so, one of which is goddamn Rupert. And then we randomly cut to a shot of Douche for no reason, although I don't mind seeing him again. Especially after Rob, Li'l Russell, and Rupert, he is a welcome sight. Probst lies that season will be great and ends the program without letting us hear from Tyrone, Yve, Jill, the other Kelly (of course), or Ben, thus making this one of the worst reunion shows in recent memory. Maybe they should send Probst to Redemption Island and give us a new host who actually cares. Oh, and has better control of his sphincter.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she never updates, follow her on Twitter, or email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.