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Immediately after the selection of the winner, we go to the reunion episode. Just like last season, Li'l Russell dominates the reunion, to the point where even his #1 fan Probst is telling him to shut up and sit down. Good thing these aren't last season's contestants, but media-savvy famewhores who do not appreciate having their spotlight stolen by a man they universally despise. So he gets told off and shut down by just about everyone, from Rob to Sandra. And then he wins the $100,000 fan-favorite prize because the American people like the edited, one hour a week version they got of him and also probably couldn't remember who any of the other contestants were, so little camera time did everyone else get. J.T. wins the prize of dumbest move in the game's history and gets a tiny wooden tiki statue. And Jenn Lyons from Survivor: Palau wins the prize of Worst Tribute Montage, getting all of three seconds worth of clips and barely a mention despite being the first contestant in this show's history to die. I'm sure we can thank Li'l Russell's camera-hoggery for that, too. In other news, Rob and Amber's baby daughter is cute but doesn't seem as interested in being on camera as her parents, Stephenie used her appearance to promote her restaurant and royally piss off Probst, thus making her a little bit awesome, and Jerri wore way too much makeup but didn't get booed off the stage like she did her last time around on the show. See you season in Nicaragua!
Read how the last episode went down here, then discuss this episode in our forums and relive the best moments of the season!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We begin the reunion portion of the evening with a montage of Sandra's greatest moments, like when she removed Sugar's top, fell on her face when trying to jump over a small stream, endlessly hated Li'l Russell, and, of course "but I don't know about that!" Oh, and also when she didn't suck at that one challenge, much to her surprise, and played the hidden immunity idol, much to everyone else's. And there she is with a little tiara on, which I would normally hate her for, but since it's Sandra, it's awesome. Probst acknowledges that Sandra is the first two-time winner of this game and asks if this means that she is, truly, the best player ever. "It makes me the queen," she says; "the best ever, yes." I think you could make a strong argument for that, but I think Richard Hatch was the best ever, and I probably always will. Parvati's a pretty strong contender for the title, too. Sandra is definitely up there. "I make it to the end AND I win," she says. Unlike, you know, some people sitting to the right of her in third place who have never won despite making it to the end twice. Parvati gives Sandra an appreciative clap while Sandra just looks at Probst like, "I fucking DARE you to say otherwise, bitch." He does not. Instead, he asks Parvati if Sandra is the best ever. Parvati says Sandra's argument is "logical" and "makes perfect sense," but, of course, Parvati is going to say that she's the best player ever because she's played this game for more days than anyone else. Except that she's played three times and Sandra's only played twice. Parvati says she's also a "challenge dominator" now. And let's not forget that she is best friends with one of this show's casting associates. That always helps. Sandra says she's played twice and won twice, while Parvati has played three times but only won "twice." Actually once, but whatever.
Of course, Probst has to ask Li'l Russell if he thinks Sandra is the best player ever. "Do you really want me to explain this to you?" he says. No, I don't! Let's move on to someone else, please. But no, Probst asks him to keep his explanation to 30 seconds or less. Li'l Russell says that Sandra is a poor social player because "she's lippy and she knows it." She wasn't lippy when she found that idol, though. And however "lippy" she might have been, the jury didn't seem to mind it too much when they sang her praises in the Final Tribal Council and then gave her another million dollars. So I'm not sure how that point means she has a bad social game. Li'l Russell says Sandra might be "the worst physical player to ever play the game." Um, yeah, Li'l Russell? It's called Scout Cloud Lee. Also, now, Colby. Parvati just looks horrified, while Sandra says losing in challenges was a good strategy for her. Li'l Russell says Sandra's strategic game consisted of trying to get rid of him, which she was never able to accomplish. "So let's reward her for her failures," he says. Yes, because all she had to do to win that million dollars at the end was say she wanted and tried to get rid of him. She didn't have to actually do it -- in fact, if she hadn't been up against him in the end, she probably wouldn't have won, something I think she's keenly aware of and tailored her jury performance to. Li'l Russell says the fact that Sandra won the game twice only shows that the game itself is flawed. Sandra smiles throughout all of this because she knows that no matter what Li'l Russell says, she just won a million dollars. And he didn't.
"Russell, Russell, Russell, Russell -- stop!" Probst finally says. But then he gives him another "ten seconds" to speak to tell him what he thinks the flaw in this game is. Li'l Russell thinks America should have a percentage of the final vote for the winner. Yeah, that's a terrible idea. Every season without fail, America gives that stupid fan favorite award to the least deserving person. Also, America only sees 43 minutes a week of these people and what the editors choose to show us. And that's not always how things actually happened. If it was, then no one on this show would even exist except Li'l Russell. But the audience goes crazy for this because Li'l Russell said "America" or something. Sandra says Li'l Russell still wouldn't win that way because the only people in the world who like him are his five friends and family members sitting in the front row. Probst tries to calm things down and says that Survivor is "very clearly defined" as, basically, a social experiment between the contestants and who they choose to win at the end. "A game in which you include America, that's a different game," he says. Good. Li'l Russell can go play that game, and then I won't recap it and everyone is happy.
Probst asks Sandra what the "key move" in her victory was. Sandra says she had a "ton" of moves, as she is and always was a fan of the show before she ever got on it, so she watched and studied every season to form her own strategy. Probst then asks Tom what it "says" about this game that Sandra can play and win twice without winning a single challenge ("even beloved Courtney has won a challenge," he points out). Probst does not add, "while you won once and did really well in challenges, only to suck out this time," but that's what he's implying. Tom says luck plays a key role, but in the end, whoever wins deserves it. "Thank you," Sandra says. "Sorry, Russell. Congratulations, Sandra," Tom concludes. I think Tom put that very nicely and we should not say anything more to or about Li'l Russell. And yet: "Russell, are you surprised you didn't win? Didn't get a vote?" Probst asks. Li'l Russell says he feels like he played one long season as opposed two, because he played in back-to-back seasons. Of course, he's not the only contestant to do, or even the only contestant to play back-to-back and make it to the Final Tribal Council both times. "Let me tell you how good I am," Li'l Russell says. You can hear Parvati groan, because I'm sure she's heard this before. Probably every day they were out there. Li'l Russell holds up the note J.T. wrote him that he has had laminated and says that he "made" a winner "look like the dumbest player in history," thus proving how good he is. He didn't make J.T. do anything. He just happened to be the only guy left in a tribe full of women (and part of the reason for that, admittedly, is that he voted Coach out so the other tribe would think he was the victim of an all-female alliance), and J.T. was so scared of women and so sure of himself that he gave the idol to Li'l Russell. I don't think it makes J.T. look dumb, though, because if he'd been right about Li'l Russell, he would have turned the game around in his alliance's favor. J.T., who is sitting behind Li'l Russell, laughs good-naturedly, then grabs the paper out of Li'l Russell's hands and throws it in the fire. For some strange reason, Li'l Russell doesn't like it when people burn his possessions. He manages to save the paper and then there's a weird moment where I'm not sure if he and J.T. are going to punch each other or hug and they end up doing neither. Probst tells Li'l Russell to sit down, then informs us that this is what this game was like every single day for these people. What, listening to Li'l Russell go on and on about himself? Because that's what my life has kind of been like every single day for the past two seasons as well. Probst says it's time to take a break, but don't worry! "We'll still hear more from Russell" when we come back. Fantastic.
When we come back, we do get to spend a little more time with Sandra, as Probst gives her husband in the audience the spotlight. Wasn't her husband fat and unattractive last time we saw him? And yet, now he's all buff and hot. But he's only back in America for two weeks and then he's going back to Afghanistan. Probst asks Sandra what Marcus said to her when he hugged her following the reveal of her win. She says he said good job, don't let Li'l Russell get to her, and she is the queen. Probst suddenly changes the subject to Parvati, asking if her alliance with Li'l Russell worked against her in the end. Parvati says she thinks it did, and the jury thought that she was just riding Li'l Russell's coattails, which was "obviously not true," she says. Probst says that, despite not winning this time, she's played this game for 114 days, and she's tied for second place in most individual immunity challenge wins with 6. Colby has the record with 7, amusingly enough.
Probst asks Li'l Russell if he knew what happened to his hat at the time. Li'l Russell admits that he didn't. He figured someone did something to it, but couldn't think of what strategic advantage she'd get with just three people left in the game. Probst asks what his reaction was when he saw, for the first time tonight, what Sandra did to his hat. Sandra defends her actions, saying the hat stunk and was dirty. Li'l Russell, of course, has no choice but to "give credit where credit is due," because otherwise it would make his sock-burning last season look like the petty vandalism it truly was. Sandra cuts him off, saying that she did feel bad about the hat afterwards when she found out that Li'l Russell had it with him for both seasons, but that went away as soon as he "started acting crazy" again. Li'l Russell says that Sandra's move was truly a good one in a strategic sense because it could have flustered him right before Tribal Council. Um, yes, maybe... but that's not why she did it. I'm not sure if he realizes that, but whatever. Then he says that Parvati should have won. Probst ties to get him to stay with one subject, saying that that is, again, a different game than the one they just played. We aren't playing Russell Decides Who Wins Survivor, Probst says: "Pitch that to Mark Burnett, he may actually like it." Yeah, like Burnett has anything to do with this show anymore.
Probst tries to ask Li'l Russell why he was so bad at jury management. Li'l Russell claims that he doesn't "care" about that aspect of the game. He plays as hard as he possibly can and we're all supposed to recognize and reward that. "Russell, stop," Probst begs. He makes Li'l Russell take a nice, long, deep breath with him to try to calm down. It seems to work for a while, at least. Probst asks Li'l Russell if he's aware after, say, a fight with Rupert where he calls Rupert a "dumbass," that he just lost Rupert's jury vote. I could argue that even before that fight, Li'l Russell didn't have the vote, which Rupert made clear in his statements that started the fight in the first place. Li'l Russell rambles on about playing one long game instead of two. Probst interrupts to say he's not asking about that; he's asking about Li'l Russell's awareness of the jury. "He doesn't understand," one of the contestants (I think it was Danielle) says, as Probst tries to explain his question to Li'l Russell again. Li'l Russell just says, again, that he doesn't care about the social game because he plays as hard as he can and he's made it to the end both times that way.
Probst addresses Rob to try to get a coherent answer, and the audience goes wild. But then Probst asks this stupid question he's been obsessed with since this season started, which is how awesome would things have been if Rob and Li'l Russell had worked together instead of apart. Rob says "pretty good," then says that he thinks Li'l Russell is trying to say that he doesn't play this game to win. "He plays a good game to get to the end, but he doesn't play a game to win the game." I think Li'l Russell thinks he's playing to win, but everyone else knows he's a great person to take to the end and beat because everyone hates him so much. Rob says that he plays the game to win, so that's where they differ. Li'l Russell turns to Rob and asks him when his playing this game to win has resulted in an actual win. Rob admits it hasn't, but if he had a chance to play again, he'd do it just to kick Li'l Russell's ass. The audience goes wild, Probst is in heaven, and Li'l Russell stands up to shake Rob's hand for some reason. Rob actually refuses to touch him, which is both awesome and petty at the same time. Probst threatens that a "Rob vs. Russell" season could happen in the future. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Probst then remembers that he has to speak to some of the other contestants, so he brings up some "dumb moves" that were made this season, starting with Tyson changing his vote to Parvati and getting himself voted out, screwing over his entire alliance, and sticking us with Li'l Russell for the rest of the season, for which I shall forever hate Tyson. Tyson says he made a risky move. Probst asks if it was "risky" or "dumb." You know what was dumb? Putting Tyson on this season in the first place when there were so many other former contestants who did better than him in their original seasons that I would have much preferred to watch. Tyson says he was gunning for Parvati because half the people she'd played with before were on this season, and he knew Li'l Russell wasn't a threat because everyone hated him. He knew Li'l Russell had the idol and could give it to Parvati, but thought it was worth the risk. Probst is bored with all this behind-the-scenes insight that we could have gotten on the show if they hadn't edited everyone and everything out except Li'l Russell, so he moves on to J.T. and his "dumb move." Probst says he thought it was a "pretty decent strategic idea" and would have been brilliant if he was right about the Villains having an all-female alliance. J.T. says he doesn't regret what he did, because he thought that if he didn't do something, he was going home soon, regardless of whether or not he had the idol. He says that all the people he was "hoping" to play this game with (Coach, Tyson, Courtney and Rob) had been voted out at this point (not Courtney, actually, but whatever) and for some reason, he "knew" he couldn't play with Parvati, so he tried to "reach out" to somebody and ultimately chose the wrong person.
Probst says they've been doing a stupid poll at the CBS site where viewers can vote for the dumbest move in Survivor history. Except not really, since we only get five choices and two of them are from the season that just happened and weren't really that dumb, I think. J.T. has a feeling he's going to win this, and asks if he'll get money for it. Probst says no -- in fact, he has to give some of his money back. Speaking of giving money back, shouldn't the dumbest move be Richard Hatch not paying taxes and then trying to make a joke out of it in federal court, thus getting him that harsh sentence of five years in jail? Because no matter what you think you can get away in the game and who you can pull a fast one on, everyone knows you can't do that with the IRS. Anyway, our nominees were Tyson, J.T., James when he was voted out holding two immunity idols, Colby for keeping Tina in the game and ultimately losing to her, and, of course, Erik from Season 16 for giving Natalie his immunity necklace. Erik is in the audience tonight, and he got a haircut! His Mohawk is kind of silly, but it still looks way better than that '70s androgynous teen idol shag he had going on during his season. He's actually cute! Even though Probst told us about each of the dumb moments, we have to watch footage of them again. How can they say that Colby's move was one of the dumbest ever when he said AT THE TIME that he knew exactly what he was doing and that he could lose the game because of it? Just because someone places less importance on money than whatever Colby's reason was for keeping Tina doesn't make him stupid. Anyway, the winner is clearly Erik, but the viewers voted for J.T., so whatever. He happily accepts his little wooden tiki idol trophy.
Back from break, we get a montage of James being an asshole, because that's something that Probst thinks we care about. Probst says James was both a surprise and a disappointment, as he got injured again and had to leave early but was surprisingly an asshole to everyone. Probst is concerned about James and his attitude this time around, saying he didn't appear to be having fun. James says he was having fun but it "didn't seem that way." He apologizes to his mother and says the cameras caught him at his worst moments. Probst says he thinks there's more to it than that, as he thought from day one that James was in a "bad mood." James won't tell him whatever it is that he wants to hear, just saying he's disappointed in his knee but okay with how he came off this season. Amanda decides to step in and say something in James's defense, but Probst cuts her off to talk to Rupert about his broken toe. Rupert immediately informs us that he actually broke two bones in one toe and one in another. Whatever, Rupert. I still don't think you're hardcore. Li'l Russell, meanwhile, appears to be trying to tell us (with his mic turned down, I believe) that it was just one toe. Rupert says he was afraid that the injury would get him voted out early on. I was hopeful of that. Sigh. Probst asks how he feels about the Heroes vs. Villains theme, and Rupert says he was one of the Heroes after stealing, lying and manipulating in his seasons, so that tells you what this game is like. Then he says he likes being called a "Hero," even though he kind of just said it didn't mean anything.
Probst has to talk to Colby now and ask him why he sucked so bad this season. Colby says he knew it would be a different game for him physically in the first challenge when he got his ass kicked by Coach, who we can see doing a few warrior poses behind him, naturally. Coach is happy to do it again, and kind of humps Colby from behind in a way I'm sure Colby does not appreciate. Oh, and then we get to see that clip from the show just to make absolutely sure that Colby's humiliation is complete, followed by a montage of Colby suckage. He can't even bowl. Colby admits that he didn't have much fun this time, although he enjoyed watching the season afterwards. Probst asks what happened, and Colby says that there was some "adventure lost" this season for him, in that they weren't really allowed to go out into the water or explore the jungle around camp. In seasons, he says, they've been able to go out into the water and dive and have adventures. That was missing this time, and it wasn't fun. Plus, he sucked in challenges. I miss the days when they used to have boats and go out to sea and stuff like that, too. But these days, they basically film the show in people's backyards, so you can't explore the jungle too far back because you'll walk into someone's house and you can't swim out that far in the ocean or else you'll get run over by a cruise ship or whatever.
Probst turns to Amanda to ask her, as a veteran of this show and one of only four people to make it to Final Tribal Council twice (Li'l Russell, Parvati and Sandra are the other three), why she still doesn't seem to have the "killer instinct" necessary to win the game. "Does this haunt you in life as well?" he asks. Damn, that's mean. What the hell, Probst? He didn't ask Colby if his challenge suckage haunted him in life, or Li'l Russell if his complete inability to get along with other people at even the most basic level haunted him in life. Amanda's like, "wow." Probst says he's not picking on her, because this is "what everyone on the streets says." Who are these people on the streets Probst is always using to gauge the entire audience's reaction to the show, and why does Probst trust them so implicitly? Amanda says she doesn't know why "it doesn't happen" for her, but she guesses she just feels too bad and guilty when it comes to voting people out and screwing them over, and that the game is "too emotional" for her. "Still, today," Probst says. "Yeah... not as much," Amanda says.
Probst talks to Stephenie, saying that she came into this game as probably the strongest female contestant but "never really got up to speed." Stephenie looks very pretty except for those ridiculous eyebrows she insists on having. She says she was "grateful" to come back for a third try and knew she'd be a target because she doesn't "hang out" with other contestants. Yes, but I have to think if she'd made an effort to, like, be friendly to them or ally with them, she could have overcome that. But she didn't, because I have a feeling that Stephenie is a bitch who thinks she's awesome and better than everyone else. Probst asks if she had fun. Stephenie says she was only there for six days and she was "on the outs" before the game started, but -- and here she smiles mischievously -- "it's nothing that a filet mignon pizza can't cure at my restaurant." Probst does not appreciate her plugging during his show, which, by the way, plugs the hell out of everything from phones to department stores, but she says "Jeff, what else do I have? Come on, I played for six days!" "Congratulations to you. I'm glad you have a restaurant going," Probst says insincerely, then turns quickly to Cirie and asks if there was anything she could have done to avoid the target on her back. Probably not, I'd say. Cirie says she doesn't think she could have done anything differently, except maybe pay Tom a million dollars not to target her. It was J.T. who ultimately took her down, but whatever. She says people had a perception of who she was and how she played, and she never had the chance to change their minds.
Probst then asks to see a "video" of a moment with Coach. YES! Surely, this is THE DRAGONZ's amazing music video, no? Followed by a performance from the greatest band ever? But no, it's a clip of when Coach cried all over Tyson about how people seemed to hate him. Coach doesn't look as embarrassed by that as I'd be, and Probst asks him, reminding him first that they don't have much time so Coach can't tell one of his stories ("Yes," Coach admits), if he learned anything about himself or how people perceive him this season. Coach says that when he saw himself on TV during Season 18, he thought "that guy's an arrogant ass" and wanted to change that and get redemption in this season. So when Sandra said he was lazy, he freaked out that there was going to be another season where he looked like a total asshole and everyone hated him. He thinks he is now "more humble, down to Earth [and] chivalrous to all the ladies." He's definitely more aware of how he comes off to the camera and how his big, strong warrior act that he thought would make him seem like an awesome, strong, loved hero actually made him seem like a douche. I don't know that he changed, so much as the editors weren't determined to portray him as a complete buffoon this time (they had Rupert for that). Also, he was more aware of how to behave and interact with people so that the editors wouldn't be able to do that. He was still a douche this season, I thought, but when he was being, like, a real person in the Ponderosa videos, I really enjoyed him. Probst goes to the commercial with a shot of Amber in the audience with her and Rob's baby daughter Lucia Rose, who will not look at the camera. I'm sure that'll change in a few years, though, as Lucia Rose is destined to be the most camera-whoriest person in the world, due to her genetics. He then gives a shoutout to the show composers, and they play us into the commercial instead of THE DRAGONZ, which is just wrong.
Back from the break, it's time to announce the stupid Player of the Season, as voted on by people who don't seem to understand when the editors are trying to tell them how to think and feel. Probst says the top two vote-getters were Rupert and Li'l Russell. OF COURSE. Thank you once again, America, for voting for two of my least favorite contestants in the history of this show. I mean, come on. And Li'l Russell wins $100,000 again. Is America stupid? What am I not seeing that explains why Li'l Russell is so popular? Probst already knows what Li'l Russell is going to say about this -- that it means that all of America thinks he's the greatest player blah blah blah. JAMES won this thing two seasons in a row, too, and he sucks. So, whatever. Probst turns to Jerri, and when he says her name, we hear cheers from the audience. That's quite a change from her last reunion show, when she was booed off the stage. Probst asks her if she's happy with how she played this time around. She's wearing WAY too much makeup, like, isn't makeup supposed to make you look better? But it makes her look older than she is. She says that she was happy to have the chance to come back, and I'm too distracted by the fact that all of her teeth are the same size to pay much attention. These dentists who give people big fake teeth need to be stopped. She looks like a cartoon character with teeth like that.
Probst talks to Danielle. The audience -- are they making horse sounds? That's not very nice. He asks her what happened at her last Tribal Council and why she broke down like that. Danielle is wearing, like, a sweater T-shirt and khakis. She couldn't dress up for this? She says that she felt a breakdown coming on after a very stressful day with Li'l Russell trying get her voted out, but she's a human being and she has emotions and she is not a villain. She says that, looking back on it now, she really thinks that if she had managed to keep it together, she wouldn't have been voted out and could have gone all the way to the end. But she didn't, so she has to move on. "Russell, damn you," she says. Probst asks Courtney if she had as much fun out there as she seemed, and if she had as much fun this season as her first one. He couldn't think of anything else to ask her? Really? She says she had "a lot of fun" and came out there planning to have as much fun as she could and enjoy it, and she did.
And then there's Randy, who never has fun. He shaved his head in preparation for the reunion show and looks scarier than ever. Probst asks him if he had fun this time. "No," Randy says. Probst then asks Sugar how she could go from making it to the end in her first season to being voted out first in her second. Sugar looks gorgeous, and says she didn't have fun because it rained so much and she didn't have a "decent alliance." She didn't have any alliance, did she? Before she can say something insane, Probst turns to Candice and says she postponed her wedding to be on this season, but she is now married. Hooray! Her last name is no longer "Woodcock."
Probst then reads off a bunch of statistics from 20 seasons of Survivor: 306 episodes, 15 countries, "over 300" contestants (way to not get an exact number), over 500 challenges, and 11 male winners and 9 female winners with an average age of 32. So they've created a Survivor prototype, by which they mean they did an "if they mated" for all 20 contestants and put them all together into one picture of a weird-looking guy who Probst says should consider applying for the season of Survivor. That was stupid and wasted time we could have spent watching THE DRAGONZ perform. Probst takes us out to the break with a little remembrance montage for Jenn Lyon from the Palau season, who died earlier this year. She was just 37. Very sad. And the fact that they devoted about three seconds to this is pretty disgusting. She's the first contestant on this show to die, and at such a tragically young age. She really deserved better. And right after the "in memory" card fades out, I have to watch something congratulating Li'l Russell on winning Player of the Season, like, IS NOTHING SACRED?
After the break, we get a preview of season's location: Nicaragua. This show is so cheap now that they're actually filming the two seasons there. And they're spending more time on this preview than they did on the Jenn Lyon tribute. They could always donate the proceeds to this season's charity auction to the breast cancer charity she raised money for, but no, that'll go to Probst's charity. So, as per usual, the reunion show tells us nothing new and doesn't give nearly enough time to most of the players, especially Jenn. See you season in Nicaragua for more of the same, but hopefully with fewer horrible little bald men!
See what made the cut in this list of TV's 50 most shocking moments ever.
Read how the last episode went down here, then discuss this episode in our forums and relive the best moments of the season!
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.