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This season of Survivor takes place in Nicaragua, and our tribes are divided along age lines: people 40 and over in one tribe and people 30 and younger in the other. People 31-39, apparently, can go on some other reality show. Probst insists on calling the tribe of over 40s "the older tribe," and it consists of a crazy fisherman, several grizzled no-nonsense women, and Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl-winning coach Jimmy Johnson. Because it just wasn't enough to give us the past three seasons of Douche, Li'l Russell, or both – we now have a guy who somehow manages to be both men in one while hogging the camera twice as much. The younger tribe consists of a bunch of pretty people who are either stupid, have unappealing personalities, or both. They're happy enough to be with each other and not the ugly old people, until Kelly B. reveals that she has an artificial leg, which is such a buzzkill and makes everyone decide to get rid of her early so she won't get a million-dollar sympathy vote at the end of the game. The young tribe also, thanks to Brenda, takes possession of the very cheesy "Medallion of Power," which they choose to give up to the old people in exchange for flint and fishing supplies. It turns out that the old people don't need flint, as they have Jane, who is apparently the only person on this show ever to actually practice making fire before the show began. Also, being an old person, she wears glasses, which makes fire-starting relatively simple. The old people get a chance to use the Medallion of Power at the immunity challenge, where it will give them a slight advantage. They decide to hold onto the Medallion instead, and promptly lose. Back at camp, the votes appear to be split between Jimmy Johnson and Wendy, a flaky and aloof goat rancher. She decides to open up to her tribe at Tribal Council, when it's way too late anyway, but her insistence on what an awesome person and tribemate she is serves only to further alienate her and she's unanimously voted out.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Well. It's time for another season of Survivor, this time located in Nicaragua, the country you don't really like to talk about because it kind of sounds like you're saying a racial slur. Probst welcomes us to this "remote, mysterious, and dangerous" country, but that's how he describes every place this show shoots (along with "unforgiving" and "hostile"), so the novelty wore off for me long ago. Probst claims that "ancient rainforests battle for survival" against volcanoes, although I think we all know that by "volcanoes" he means "cattle ranchers looking for grazing areas." Suddenly, we're introduced to our twenty new contestants, as they walk through some Nicaraguan guy's overgrown backyard that we're supposed to think is an unforgiving and hostile jungle, beginning with a blonde surfer-looking guy who doesn't really matter because LOOK! it's Jimmy Johnson, two-time Superbowl winning coach! For some reason, Survivor is shitting itself with excitement over having this guy on the show and wants us to, as well. I'm not, though, because Taj from SWV was all the celebrity contestant I'll ever need. Oh, and also because I went to a Survivor Finale party way back in Season 9 and Jimmy Johnson was totally there (I have pictures to prove it!), so clearly, he knows someone behind the scenes at Survivor and therefore shouldn't be allowed to even be on this show. Such a set-up. So lame. Also, nice under-boob sweat you've got going on your shirt, Jimmy. In interviews, various contestants make snap judgments about their new tribemates except for Brenda, who only talks about herself: "I'm single. I'm single single single. I'm very single." She plans to use her flirtatious ways to her advantage, which is great, since we've never seen that before on this show. Finally, Probst does his tradition opening speech from high atop some random rock formation in the middle of the ocean and we begin!
Twenty contestants, split into two teams, approach the beach where Probst is waiting for them. "Woman in the plaid, what's your name?" he barks. Way to do the pre-show research, Probst. He's not even trying anymore. I think that's why they took him out of the opening credits that it took him like 18 seasons to get on in the first place. Woman In The Plaid introduces herself as "Yve," which is pronounced "Eve," but not spelled that way because almost everyone on this season has either a ridiculous name or the same name as another contestant. Thanks, guys. Probst asks Yve if she can get an impression of people just based on the way they look. Yve says yes. Yve, by the way, is wearing a plaid shirt as a dress, no pants, and cowboy boots. So my impression of her is that she has no idea how to dress for this show or at the very least has no backbone to refuse to put on the impractical wardrobe those mean producers assigned to her. Med Student Kelly B. is wearing pants, and for good reason, as she explains in an interview that her right leg was amputated when she was six months old, but she's going to try to keep that quiet for a while so her tribe doesn't assume that she's a weak contestant. If she insists on keeping those pants on for the entire game, they might assume she's a Nevernude, which is far worse. Marty interviews that he recognized Jimmy Johnson and wants "nothing to do with Jimmy Johnson in this game. And frankly, I have no idea why he's even here." Marty seems like an asshole, but I kind of like him just for that comment.
Probst announces the game's first twist: the all-new "Medallion of Power," because this show just didn't think it was cheesy enough already. Yes, hidden somewhere near Probst is a clunky prop necklace that Probst promises whoever finds will gain a "huge advantage" for his tribe. Probst sends them off to look for it with a half-hearted "you can go any time you want." I guess now that his Reality Host Emmy category has been relegated to the Creative Arts show, he doesn't give a shit anymore. The contestants search the area as the soundtrack desperately tries to convince us that this is exciting. Soon, Brenda spots a shoddily-made "gold" medallion in a tree. That's great and all, but what is Brenda's current relationship status? I wish there was some way to find out. She easily climbs the tree and grabs it, and her tribemates are thrilled for her. And themselves. On the way back to the beach, Art Student Alina notices that one contestant, Kelly B., has a limp. "I think she has a hip problem?" she guesses, apparently mistaking Kelly B. for an eighty-year-old woman. Anyway, way to keep your teammates in the dark about your amputation, Kelly B. They don't suspect a thing.
Probst asks Marty how he feels about Brenda getting the stupid medallion, and Marty says he's very happy to have her in his tribe. This is the moment Probst has been waiting for, of course. "It would be great if it were that way. Unfortunately, Marty, this is not the way the tribes are gonna be divided," he smirks. The contestants are shocked, as apparently none of them noticed that, despite being in different groups, half of the contestants are wearing dark colors (mostly blue) while the other half wear bright colors, especially yellow. The dark colored outfits head for the Probst-appointed "40 and older" section while the bright colors go to the "30 and younger" side. Apparently, they can't be bothered to cast people between the ages of 31 and 39, and therefore are missing out on a crucial interesting demographic. The young athletic men are sad not to be on Jimmy Johnson's tribe, and he's also sad to see them go, saying he was hoping the young people in his tribe would "carry" him. If that's your game strategy ... why play this at all? Besides the fact that you totally know the producers.
Probst says the "older tribe" will be named Espada, which is Spanish for "arthitis" and wear blue, while the young attractive people are wearing yellow and named La Flor, which is Spanish for "the flor." Jimmy Johnson has trouble putting his new buff on, as it will require him to mess up his legendarily perfect hair. Probst then half-explains the stupid Medallion of Power, saying that Brenda and her tribe now get to choose between keeping the Medallion and using its still-unknown advantage, or trade it for flint and fishing supplies. What Brenda doesn't choose will go to the old people. La Flor huddles up. Jimmy Johnson hasn't had enough camera time yet, so he mutters that he's hoping they keep the Medallion and give the old people supplies. On that suspenseful moment, we go to a commercial.
Hey guys, I just want to say how happy I am not to see Li'l Russell this season! I was starting to believe that he'd be on this show every season forever, but no. He's gone! Hooray! Wait a second, what's this? Former contestants appearing in a commercial for a cancer charity? Oh, shit. Yes, there he is. I don't care if he's just on for a few seconds and it's for a good cause. GO AWAY. Why would they pick a guy who lied that his dog died in Katrina for something like this anyway?
After the break, La Flor makes its decision: they want the fire and fishing gear. I think I would choose that, too. Because I'm boring and don't like to take risks, so I'd always go for the known prize over the unknown. And because, knowing this show, the "huge advantage" the Medallion provides is going to totally suck. Brenda hands the Medallion to Marty, who totally laughs at it. "It's gold. Don't winners carry gold?" Yve says. Uh, yeah, Yve. Maybe you should imply that your tribe is a bunch of winners after you've actually won something, not had some cheap piece of crap handed to you by the people who actually won it. Also, how is Yve over 40? Girlfriend looks younger than some of the so-called young people. Is it the silly "Y" in her name? Does it give her special anti-aging powers? This recap was written by Syry M. Probst dismisses the tribes, and Shannon interviews that he's confident that his young tribe will beat the old people with or without a Medallion of Power.
"Espada - Older Tribe" says the text on the screen. Like, come on, guys. Just say "Espada." They've never needed to put an adjective to the tribe name before, have they? Like when they divided the contestants into groups based on their race in Season 13, did the text say "Manihiki - Black People?" No, it did not. Anyway, the old people arrive on their beach and introduce themselves. Marty rather awesomely pretends not to know Jimmy Johnson's name. But that, of course, leads to yet another interview with Jimmy Johnson where he reminds us about how he used to be a successful football coach and hopes to bring his leadership skills to this game. Oh, and he's ready, willing, and able to use his "superstar status" to get him further in the game, although he knows there's a possibility that other players may "resent" him for it. "Maybe they're Philadelphia Eagles fans," he says.
Meanwhile, Marty is talking to that weird little Mafia-looking guy about - who else? - Jimmy Johnson. Weird Little Mafia-Looking Guy doesn't think the "Jimmy J." on their tribe who looks exactly like Jimmy Johnson and is constantly talking about how he won two Super Bowls is actually Jimmy Johnson, saying "that can't be Jimmy Johnson. Jimmy Johnson was the coach of the Miami Dolphins and the Dallas Cowboys." I love how, in Weird Little Mafia-Looking Guy's mind, the fact that Jimmy Johnson was an NFL coach means he can't also be a Survivor contestant. Because, really, that makes sense. There's no point to appearing on this show if you don't need the money and you already have plenty of fame. Although I guess some people can never have enough fame.
In non-Jimmy Johnson news, Holly suddenly pulls Wendy aside and tells her that she "really likes" her, has a "good feeling" about her, and "trusts" her. Wendy says that she, too, trusts Holly, adding, "and you know what? I agree." With that, she suddenly turns around and takes off. "I'm with you all the way!" Holly calls out after her. That whole exchange took, like, three seconds. It was kind of manic. Holly then interviews that she's from South Dakota and a swim team coach, because this show apparently can't have enough coaches. They're really trying to give poor old Douche an inferiority complex here, I think. Holly says that this gives her the ability to keep her composure while dealing with many different personalities, unlike, apparently, every other job where I guess you're allowed to flip the fuck out while dealing with people who are all the same. Thus, Holly concludes, she's a very good judge of character. I'm sure she won't look foolish saying that and aligning with Wendy.
Wendy, meanwhile, interviews that while it's "awesome" that she now has an alliance with Holly, she was surprised it happened so early in the game. And then we learn that Wendy, while a perfectly nice woman I'm sure, is ... uh ... special. Although she describes it as "I don't know if I'm naïve. My brother calls me 'sheltered,' and that's kinda like naïve ... " She continues that she's a "goat rancha," and so doesn't get to meet many people in the course of a day. I think that's more due to the fact that she lives in Montana than her occupation. And also possibly because she's a moron. She describes her strategy in this game as "not be the first person voted off," adding "my husband thinks I'm gonna be the first person voted off." Does her husband know her really well or is he an asshole or both? You decide. "I think I'm going to bite my tongue and hide my true self from the tribemates," she says. Well, that sounds like a very good plan for Wendy. Although, honestly, if her husband is saying she'll be the first person voted out and her brother kindly describes her as sheltered, what makes Wendy think she's cut out for this game at all? If she thinks that only by hiding her "true self" can she have a chance at staying in the game past the first vote, then maybe she shouldn't be on a show that traditionally makes weird people feel very bad about themselves in front of a national audience. Marty bravely attempts to make conversation with Wendy, asking where she's from and if she likes horses. "I do!" Wendy says, scurrying away so quickly that the camera has trouble keeping up with her. "She's a little weird," Marty says to himself. So, Wendy's about as good at hiding her true self from her tribemates as Kelly B. is at hiding her half-leg.
Meanwhile, Jane stomps up, muttering "we got fire now, hon. We'll have fire." She seems insane, too. Of course, she walks past the great Jimmy Johnson, kindly giving him even more camera time. Jane grabs a pair of glasses from that random short red haired lady and sets about using them to focus the sun's deadly rays on dried coconut husk. She interviews that if people are assuming that she's some boring old housewife, "they're in for a big surprise. Cause that is definitely not me." Jane is probably crazy, but I like her. Even though her Southern accent is almost impossible to understand and she said in her bio that she's most like Rupert (except smarter, which, duh. Everyone is smarter than Rupert. Except maybe Wendy). She then reveals her softer side, choking up as she talks about how her husband died recently. Oh, and then she starts a motherfucking fire because she's awesome. This pleases Marty, especially since La Flor gave up the stupid Medallion in order to get flint.
Speaking of La Flor, they arrive on their beach and exchange high-fives to greet each other, since that's what the young people like to do. Sash, who claims to be a real estate broker and thus probably has the free time and a need for money necessary to be on this show, interviews that things are great so far. Also, nice name, "Sash." Shouldn't you be the main character in a direct-to-video martial arts movie? Jud, who is described as only a "student" (whereas other contestants were called "art student" or "medical student), says his tribemates are his "people" and this is going to be "a lot of fun." Dumbass. With that, he immediately steps on something and has to pull it out of his bare foot. Shannon interviews that Jud is "a dumb blond," and that he's never called a guy a dumb blond before. Apparently, though, he's called plenty of women dumb blondes, because that joke isn't older than the old people tribe or anything. And then, Jud decides to pick up a crab and is shocked when it pinches the hell out of his finger, so much so that it leaves its claw embedded in there. Shannon continues that Jud "looks like Fabio" and "is retarded." Wow. Blond jokes, Fabio, and retard -- Shannon is an early '90s kind of guy. He's down with OPP. Jud interviews that he's aware that his tribemates are now calling him Fabio, but he doesn't care what they call him as long as he wins the million dollars. I'm looking forward to seeing what jungle hazards Jud can harm himself with .
Shannon pulls Chase aside for a special meeting of the Alpha Males. He says that they're the strongest people in their tribe physically and ... uh ... I'm having trouble concentrating on what they're saying because of the blurs in the crotch area of their boxer briefs. Like, it's more conspicuous than whatever it's supposed to be concealing. Settle down, Survivor blur guy. Just because you screwed up that one time in Gabon and we all saw Marcus's penis doesn't mean you have to go overboard like this. Shannon says that their strength will make them targets, so they should make a plan to stick together until the Final Two, noting that if Li'l Russell and Rob had done this last season, they could have won the show. Way to drink the Probst Kool-Aid, Shannon. Also, uh ... Li'l Russell did "win" the show, in that he got to the Final Three. Teaming up with Rob wouldn't have gotten him any further in the game. And finally STOP TALKING ABOUT LI'L RUSSELL. HE IS GONE.
Shannon insists that it's very important that a "girl" doesn't win this season, interviewing that "it's important that we don't let these girls take over. I mean, we already get owned in marriage. Pretty soon we'll have a woman president ... a guy needs to sack up and we need to win this." Why are so many men on this show afraid of women uniting against them? Has that ever successfully happened? Doesn't the fact that we still don't have a female president when even freaking Liberia has one (as did Nicaragua, and she was elected twenty years ago, back when blonde jokes were new and cool) tell you that American women kind of suck at sticking together?
Anyway, it's time to remind the viewers that Kelly B. is missing a leg. She says she started getting paranoid that everyone was looking at her leg and wondering what was wrong with her, and not without good reason, as while I have no idea if the contestants are staring at her leg, the camera crew is making sure to zoom in on it and every opportunity. She decides it's time to show the tribe her secret. "I wanna say something to everyone," she announces, like, if you don't want the missing leg to be a big deal, Kelly B., why are you making it into one? And opening with some stupid, long-ass speech about first impressions and feeling comfortable with your team? And then she just drops trou and reveals The Leg. "I knew it!" someone says. No one else seems to really give a shit. Finally, someone asks what happened to her leg. "I had a birth defect," she says, and high-fives are exchanged until Jud, the moron, wonders how Kelly B.'s prosthetic leg works. "Like, how do you tell it to move?" he asks.
Shannon interviews that he feels really bad for Kelly B., and if he made it to the end with her, he'd tell the jury to give her the money to compensate for "what she's probably gone through in life." Really? You mean like how she's in freaking medical school and has competed in triathalons? Looks to me like she's done a pretty good job living her life to the fullest with or without two legs. And the fact that she's basically always been missing one leg as opposed to losing it later in life, like Vanuatu's Chad, means she doesn't really know what she's missing. Which is not to say that her life is easy or anything - this world is designed for people with two legs, after all - but I don't think it's really fair to Kelly B. for people to view her as someone deserving of pity and sympathy when I doubt that she views herself that way and doesn't seem to have let her birth defect stop her from doing anything. Anyway, Shannon's pity for Kelly B. doesn't go very far in the end, as he then says that she's a big threat for the sympathy vote so he wants her to go first. Because nothing makes you look better on national television than voting out the girl with one leg as soon as possible. As Kelly B. removes her prosthetic leg and hops into the water for a swim, NaOnka, who is supposedly a gym teacher, says something about wanting to race her. I kind of hope she does challenge Kelly B. to a race, actually, because Kelly B. would probably kick her ass and then NaOnka's gym students would make fun of her for years.
Night falls on the old people. While Marty leads them in a round of applause for Jane's fire-starting abilities, Jimmy Johnson, sensing that he isn't the center of attention for three seconds, loudly pukes. He then interviews that he thinks he worked a little bit too hard today. Meanwhile, the tribe's other Jimmy, a fisherman who looks like a serial killer, interviews that "Coach" is really suffering and is therefore old and weak. The morning, Jimmy Johnson complains about how sick and uncomfortable he was last night, as if the rest of the contestants weren't enduring the same conditions. He interviews that even though he's seen every second of this show, he never thought it would be this hard. I guess his producer friends didn't let him in on that secret.
So we head over to La Flor, which makes me happy because it means we don't have to hear about and from fucking Jimmy Johnson again. Oh wait -- Chase and confirmed bachelorette Brenda are talking about Jimmy Johnson. Brenda, who is single, reveals that she used to be a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, so she knows who Jimmy Johnson is. Way to sneak that in there, Brenda. "I like your spirit," she tells Chase. "I like you, too," Chase giggles. He interviews that he's attracted to Brenda and feels like he can really trust her, but now he's stuck between two alliances and thus will have to lie to someone early on in the game, which he didn't want to do. Then stop getting massive crushes on anyone who talks to you, Chase. It's pretty simple. Brenda, meanwhile, says she's used to having men in the palm of her hand, and sure enough, Chase basically walked up to her and told her that the men have an alliance. Did he say that? I couldn't understand him. Maybe the reason why Jimmy Johnson gets so many interviews is because most of the contestants this season are unintelligible. Brenda, who doesn't have a boyfriend, concludes that Chase is clueless.
Speaking of clues, Kelly B. and Alina go to the well, only to find a scroll. Yes, it's a clue to the fucking hidden immunity idol. Ugh. So now we have hidden immunity idols AND Medallions of Power? Lame. So lame. Anyway, the clue to the idol is a bunch of pictures that neither Alina nor Kelly B. can make heads or tails of. So they stash the clue in a tree and walk back to camp. Even though Alina seems really friendly with Kelly B., she interviews that she is not pleased that Kelly B. was with her when she found the clue, because now she's "forced" to be in an alliance with her, which sucks for Alina because if she makes it to the end with Kelly B., she's assuming she'll get the "sympathy vote." Has it not occurred to these people that Kelly B. might be an asshole? They're just assuming that her one-leggedness will automatically get her votes. Idiots. What's funny about this, though, is that Kelly B. was so worried that her tribe might view her missing leg as a weakness and vote her out early for it that it didn't occur to her that they might vote her out early because they saw the missing leg as a strength.
The old people get treemail. It's time for the immunity challenge! We definitely need to hear from Jimmy Johnson about how he feels about this development: "it's a very stressful time." He orders the tribe to get in a "team huddle," where he tells their dubious faces that he's not doing this show for the million dollars, since he already has plenty of money and no one would vote for him to get more. Instead, he wants to "help" one of his tribemates make it to the end and win, he claims. This appears to at least win the black guy over, who makes his only statement of the show thus far just to say "JIMMY JOHNSON!!!"
The tribes arrive at the challenge. Annoyingly, La Flor has decided to make their entrance with a choreographed dance/chant thing that they should be ashamed of. At least Shannon and Chase have the self-respect not to participate in this nonsense, and even shake their heads in embarrassment. Probst awesomely responds to it all with " ... 'kay." If the dance was meant to strike fear into the hearts of the old people, though, La Flor has not succeeded. Fisherman Jimmy T. is openly laughing at them, the Mafia guy seems totally confused, and Wendy has her usual idiot grin. Probst addresses them, calling them "Older Tribe." It's Espada, asshole. Probst makes a point to constantly say the name of every stupid tribe on this show, even when it's Fang (pronounced FONG) or Jalawhatever. But now he's just going to call Espada "Older Tribe?" Meanwhile, if Probst was playing this season, he'd be on the Older Tribe himself, so, whatever. Probst asks Jimmy Johnson for his opinion on La Flor's attempt to either serenade or intimidate them (Probst is sure to add that he's not sure which one in the most disgusted way possible), because Jimmy Johnson hasn't gotten a chance to speak yet. Jimmy Johnson says he's not worrying about what the other team does. Probst then asks Jud what he thinks about the "Older Tribe." Before Jud can respond, Shannon insists that Jud's name is now Fabio. It's still not funny, so Probst moves on to ask how he should distinguish La Flor's two Kellys (there's another Kelly? Where? Who? How many legs does this one have?), and the tribe says they'll address the other Kelly as "Purple Kelly" due to her hair color and also because calling Kelly B. "Pegleg Kelly" would be rude. Probst asks Tyrone, whoever that is, if seeing someone on La Flor with a prosthetic limb makes him think he should take it easy on her. Of course, he says it does not.
Probst finally explains the challenge: one person pours buckets of water down a gutter system held up by four tribemates. Once there's enough water in the barrel at the bottom of the tower, it will drop a bag of puzzle pieces for the remaining tribe members to solve. Probst shows off this season's immunity idol, which is a Conquistador. Way to play off of Nicaragua's tragic history of bloodshed brought by European conquerors, show. Maybe time they can go to Japan and the immunity idol can be an Atom Bomb. Geez. And finally, we learn what the stupid Medallion does: if Esapada chooses to use it, they'll have a "huge" advantage in the challenge: their barrel will start about twenty percent full. The Medallion will then be given to La Flor for the challenge. Espada can also choose not to use the Medallion this time, thus saving it for another challenge. This means that we're going to be dealing with the stupid Medallion at least until the merge. Ugh. Awesomely, despite Probst's assertions that the Medallion is super amazing and great, the old people decide to "make a statement" and not use it. That statement, I guess, is "we don't need a Medallion to beat a bunch of stupid models" as well as "this Medallion kinda sucks anyway."
With that, the challenge begins. Both tribes decide to put men up as the gutter-holders, and both tribes immediately put their gutter sections together to create one big long slide leading straight to the barrel. Apparently, the people who thought of this challenge thought they'd all hold their gutters up so the water would have to flow from side to side, creating waterfalls all the way down the tower and making the whole process much more difficult and take longer. But they didn't, so the challenge is actually really easy. La Flor gets an early lead because their water pourer, NaOnka, doesn't freak the fuck out and splash water everywhere like Holly does for Espada.
La Flor's puzzle pieces are released first, although Esapada isn't far behind. Probst comments that the win will come down to the "wisdom" of the old women against the "enthusiasm" of the young women. As it turns out, wisdom fails to realize that they're trying to create a symbol from their buffs, while enthusiasm, seemingly lead by Kelly B. although all four women seem to work very well together, is pretty awesome at puzzles. It comes down to the last piece, but then ... it doesn't fit. Probst claims that Espada is "back in it," but come on. La Flor has one piece to figure out while Espada's puzzle isn't even close. Sure enough, La Flor solves the puzzle and wins immunity. Espada shouldn't feel bad, though - even if they'd used the stupid Medallion, I still don't think it would've given them enough of headstart to win. But of course, Probst asks Brenda, who has no romantic entanglements, if Espada should've used the Medallion. Brenda says "of course" because you shouldn't save things for a later challenge when you need to win "right now." Meanwhile, Brenda's tribe gave up the Medallion in the first place, so, whatever. Also, none of this is an important as knowing whether or not Brenda has a boyfriend. During the slo-mo walk of shame, we of course hear from Jimmy Johnson, who says that the Cowboys once lost the first two games of the season, only to win the Super Bowl. Yes, but the Cowboys had Troy Aiken and Emmitt Smith. Espada has Jimmy T. and Holly.
The old people arrive back at camp. Jimmy Fisherman says something unintelligible to his tribe, then interviews that he "can't even think clearly right now." He chalks that up to "the trauma of the challenge," although I think it's because he's crazy. He says it's only Day 3, but he's already exhausted. He also says he's 48 years old, even though he looks a good decade older than that. Marty asks him what he's thinking about tonight's vote. Jimmy T. loudly and without seeming worried about the wrong person hearing him says he doesn't buy that Jimmy Johnson wants to help anyone win a million dollars except for Jimmy Johnson, so he's voting for him. Marty nods and asks someone named "Jill" what she thinks, but before she gets a chance to say anything, Jimmy T. suddenly gets all agitated; "I gotta say this, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna not be heard here! I'm not gonna not be heard." Marty's like, "okay, all right," with an expression on his face that clearly says "chill out, Crazypants." Poor Marty. He seems like an asshole and all, but he is one of the only sane people on that entire tribe. And the only people who aren't insane yet are people we haven't had a chance to actually meet, so Yve and Tyrone and "Jill" may also be crazy. "Sometimes stahs blind people," Jimmy T. says with his Massachusetts accent. How did I come from Connecticut, which is right to Massachusetts, and yet I speak like a normal person? "I gotta calm down!" Jimmy T. says, and heads off to the woods to probably murder someone.
Jimmy Johnson and Holly, meanwhile, take a walk on the beach. Jimmy Johnson says he thinks they need to vote out the weakest player tonight, and that he thinks that player is either himself or Wendy. Mostly Wendy. "Forget about personalities, forget about alliances," he says. If he wants the tribe to vote Wendy out before him, then he should probably suggest that they take personalities into consideration. "You really mean that?" Holly asks. Idiot. Of course, he says he does. Holly interviews that she totally agrees with Jimmy Johnson (or "Coach" as she calls him. That nickname needs to not catch on) that they need to keep the team strong and she now regrets her alliance with Wendy. "I'm just gonna see what happens," she says, which basically means "I'm totally going to stab my trusting ally in the back but I don't want to say that because I'll look like an asshole." Meanwhile, Wendy is starting to realize that she's on the outs with her tribe. She chalks this up to not developing a bond with anyone yet. She invites Holly out for a swim, but Holly declines because she doesn't want to feel bad about voting Wendy out tonight. Wendy says that even her supposed ally, Holly, won't talk to her now. "Heck, what's going on is all I want to know," Wendy says. She does not, however, make any apparent effort to answer that question.
Holly, Yve, the redhead, and Marty get together. Holly tells them what Jimmy said about voting out one of the two weak players. The redhead quickly asks if Jimmy counted himself as one of the weak players. Holly says that he did, in fact, which was a smart move as this appearance of honesty even at his own expense seems to have endeared him to some of his tribemates. The redhead then asks Holly who she wants to vote out between Jimmy Johnson and Wendy. Holly refuses to give her a straight answer, as she doesn't want to stick her neck out on the line for anything. The redhead says they should go around in a circle and "honestly state" who should be voted out tonight. All agree that this is a fair method, but no one actually wants to be the first person to name names. Watching these four avoid saying a name is like being stuck at a four-way intersection when everyone arrives at the stop sign at the same time. Marty is still hemming and hawing in his interview, saying that while Wendy doesn't seem like she can add anything to physical challenges (even though she's a goat rancha from Montana and used to be in the military, so odds are she can kick Marty's ass), he also doesn't trust that Jimmy Johnson isn't going to try to win the million dollars for himself. Meanwhile, it seems that Tyrone and the Mafia guy have nothing to do with any of this.
The Old People arrive at Tribal Council, which this season has been made to resemble some Spanish Colonial ruins. Probst recites his fire = life speech while the contestants tune him out, as per usual. Then, in a shocking twist, he asks Jane the first question -- NOT Jimmy Johnson! What the hell? He asks Jane what she thinks people's first impressions of her were. "Southern hillbilly," says the very self-aware Jane. Redhead comments that Jane is their MacGyver, mentioning that she had a fire started within minutes of their arrival at camp. Probst asks Jane if she knew she had this fire-starting ability. "Hell yeah, I knew I could do it. Cause I saw an article that you wrote!" This pleases Probst, and now that his ego has been sufficiently stroked, Jane can probably look forward to his future "old women are weak, vote them out ASAP, favored alpha males!" statements being aimed at everyone on Espada except her. "You actually listened to something I said?" he asks, full of false modesty. "Yeah, I take it to heart, too. Cause I practiced for two months!" Jane says proudly. And while Jane is awesome, it's kind of incredible that after twenty seasons of this show, only a few people have given enough of a shit to learn how to start a fire without flint.
Probst then turns to the crazy fisherman, asking him how important first impressions are. Jimmy T. mumbles something about how it's tough for him to be a leader in his real life, but forced to be a follower here because the tribe has people who are "stronger" and have "more integrity" than he does. Does Jimmy T. know what "integrity" means? Because he probably shouldn't be broadcasting his lack of it to his tribe. And, he adds, they have one of the greatest leaders in the NFL on their tribe, too. So he's frustrated to be "just another playah." Basically, Jimmy T. just gave everyone a nice speech with all the reasons why they should get rid of him immediately. Fortunately for him, most of his tribe is insane so they won't pay any attention to it.
Probst quickly turns to Jimmy Johnson and asks him if he's worried that his general awesomeness could make him a target. Jimmy Johnson insists that he is not the leader of this tribe (because, unlike Jimmy T., Jimmy Johnson knows that you never want to be seen as the leader in this game) but he knows that he's going to be a target at every Tribal Council just because of who he is. He also knows that he'll never win the million dollars at the end, so he's just here for "the adventure." If that was true, why doesn't he just camp out in his backyard, then, and spare the rest of us? Probst expertly asks Jimmy T. if he believes Jimmy Johnson. "No way. He's gonna try to win this thing," Jimmy T. says, pointing out that if Jimmy Johnson makes it to the end and can stand up in front of the jury and say he was a good leader, they'll give him the money and he'll deserve it. Probst ignores Jimmy T.'s very good point there, instead asking Marty if he's had as much trouble as Jimmy T. adjusting to having several leaders around. Marty says it's not a good idea in this game to be the "over-the-top leader" anyway, and "there's different ways to lead, and it's just making sure that you don't lead in the way that gets you into trouble."
Probst asks the group who thinks he or she is in trouble tonight. Wendy immediately raises her hand, as does Mafia Guy, Yve, Holly, and Jimmy Johnson. If you don't have an immunity idol, raise your hand. Every time. Just so that you don't look like an overconfident buffoon if you are blindsided. Probst asks Holly why she's worried. Instead of saying something like "you never know," Holly stupidly tells everyone that she made an alliance with someone and now Jimmy Johnson basically wants her to vote her out. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ANYONE??? Amazingly, though, there is someone even better at shooting herself in the foot at Tribal Council, and it's Wendy, who says she hasn't connected with anyone in her tribe yet because she was too "busy" to talk to people and no one has made an effort to get to know her. "Nobody here even knows my age. Not one single person asked me," she says. The redhead is apparently just as invisible to Wendy as she is to the producers, as she protests that she did ask Wendy her age. Yve, meanwhile, says she never asks people how old they are because she doesn't like being asked that herself. Tyrone agrees, saying "I never ask a woman her age." Does anyone think Wendy looks like Cathy from the comics? Like, if they made a live-action Cathy movie (which, PLEASE GOD NO), I think Wendy would be a shoo-in.
Someone asks Wendy how old she is. "48," Wendy responds. And that's helping her cause to stay on this show how, exactly? She looks younger than 48. Best to have people believe she's 40 and therefore assume she's more physically fit. "You look so young," Tyrone responds immediately, although he's rolling his eyes as he says it so I think he was being sarcastic. Probst finally steps in to agree with Wendy's tribemates that asking a woman for her age is kind of rude outside of Montana. Wendy says she should start "tooting my horn. Maybe that's what I should do." The rest of tribe, meanwhile, exchange "yo, this chick is annoying and useless. Good thing we all agreed to get rid of her before we even got here. Also, I'm embarrassed for her" looks. As the bell sound effect tolls for Wendy, she continues that she didn't want to be "talktalktalk" all the time "and drive people ca-razy," as if it was even possible for some of these people to be more crazy than they are right now. "People don't like people who talk all the time, so I stayed pretty quiet. And that is not me. I am nicknamed 'the chattahbox.'" So, basically, Wendy just said, "you know this thing that some people do that most people hate? Well, I totally do that. Also, I'm older than you probably thought I was. Keep me around!"
Probst gets ready to start the vote, but Wendy, now desperate to prove that she talks all the time even though she just said that's something people don't like, asks if she can say "one thing." The music gets all suspenseful here, as if Wendy's about to unload a stream of curse words and call everyone out or something really awesome. Instead, she still tries to convince them all why they should keep her around, as if everyone's mind wasn't made up well before Tribal Council began anyway: "I think there's a lot that I can bring through my strength, my leadership ... [giggle] I can be very friendly, very honest, very funny, fun to be with, strong-willed, strong physically. People like to be my friend. People like to be with me. They trust me all the time. Trust is important!" Oh my god, save it for your Match.com profile. Which you should set up immediately because your husband is a dick. At this point, Jimmy T. appears to have fallen asleep. Or he's fantasizing about chopping her up into little bits. "And I don't have any blisters on my feet, and that's an asset!" Marty just shakes his head, like, "how can this woman be 48 years old and this oblivious?" And Wendy STILL isn't done: "that will help. Just a thing to point out." Finally: "I think that's about it." Probst asks if she's sure, because he doesn't want to stand up and sit back down again. Wendy confirms that she is finished, her point that Espada needs to get her the fuck away from them well made.
Voting happens. We only see Tyrone's vote for Wendy, and he says that while the decision to vote her out was tough before, after hearing her speak at Tribal Council, it's pretty easy. So I guess Wendy's husband was right -- when she didn't talk, people were reluctant to vote her out, but were still going to vote her out. After she spoke, though, they couldn't get rid of her fast enough. Probst returns with the urn and reads off Tyrone's vote for Wendy, Wendy's vote for Yve, and then a bunch more votes for Wendy. Damn, Wendy was so out of the loop that she didn't even know the other name on the chopping block was Jimmy Johnson. Anyway, Wendy seems like a very nice person, if a bit socially awkward, so seeing her heart break as Probst reads the votes against her is pretty awful. He snuffs her torch and sends her out through the new Tribal Council ridiculous Halloween graveyard. Fortunately, her feet have no blisters on them, so she's able to move quickly out of our lives forever.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.