Maybe I had too much wine with my turkey today, but the traditionally lame Survivor clip show was pretty entertaining this year. The editors resisted the urge to stick Li'l Russell in every scene (most likely because they've already used up all of their Li'l Russell footage on the actual show), so we got to see some of the other contestants' personalities or lack thereof. Even when he gets a chance to speak and disagree with the plan to vote Erik out, Brett says nothing. Monica's attempts to bring Shambo back into the Galu fold are futile and full of whining. And even Yasmin had more to say than Kelly. On the other hand, we discover that Jaison can find a way to relate anything to racism, Shambo actually managed to capture the chicken she accidentally released (thanks to a rather ingenious trap that Erik set up), and Laura is the worst possible person to talk to about your dead family members, because she'll focus on getting a nice tan while muttering something about your dead baby brother and dead newlywed sister being "better off."
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It's time for the Survivor clip show! Probst invites us to get a "deeper look" at "the adventure of a lifetime." He starts off by recapping the season thus far and all of Galu's victories over Foa Foa. Hope you liked seeing Marisa and Betsy's torches being extinguished, because that's all the camera time they're getting this episode. And, of course, we can't let a minute go by without mentioning Li'l Russell, although this time they went all-out with the special effects and inserted a shot of him grinning evilly in the moon. That was amazingly cheesy. I love it. Or I would if it wasn't Li'l Russell's face in the moon. Jeffrey Tambor and Russell get a shout-out when Probst mentions their game-leaving injuries over shots of them semi-dying. And then the tribes merged and Foa Foa followed "Li'l Russell's plan" to befriend and split Galu apart. Oh, except for the part where it was Natalie's plan (actually it was Jaison's, but Natalie put it in action) to get Erik voted out that actually set things up for Foa Foa while Li'l Russell remained clueless. Then, Probst says, Foa Foa's "stubborn determination" and Li'l Russell's "keen eye" allowed them to single Shambo out as a potential ally. Yes, that was a clever move on their part. Who could have possibly known that Shambo felt like an outsider with Galu, what with her loudly declaring that she liked Foa Foa more than Galu and offering herself up as an ally against her former tribe? Probst promises that tonight's episode will give us "new insight" and "new scenes" (one of which involves a boar running away that is not actually shown in this episode) on the season thus far. This would be a good opportunity for them to show us Brett and Kelly's personalities, but I'm guessing we'll just get more insight into Li'l Russell. Can't wait.
Just in case you didn't get enough season-recapping in the pre-credits sequence, Probst goes back in time AGAIN to when the tribes first arrived and had to pick stupid tribal chiefs. Wow, Natalie had the worst makeup in the beginning. She looks much better without it. I have a feeling, though, that she'll be caking it on for the reunion. Russell becomes the leader of Galu and vows to himself not to drink any water so that he'll dramatically collapse on top of a table maze. Mick becomes the leader and does nothing.
Galu arrive at camp and Russell gets to bossing everyone around, which Probst claims was a good thing for Galu. Erik takes the leader thing way too seriously and vows to "kill" for Russell. He says his role is to be Russell's protector. Well, he really sucked out on the job then, didn't he? Because it's really not that hard to protect someone against severe dehydration. Unless he has rabies. But Russell did not have rabies, so Erik fails. Erik thinks it's a great position to be in to make none of the decisions and do all of the dirty work.
Back at Foa Foa, Probst claims that everyone hated Mick's "passive guidance." I don't think that's any more true than the people at Galu loving Russell bossing them around. Probst just loves it when tribes have leaders. Ugh, and there's Ben in his little yellow shorts. I was hoping never to see them again. Mick interviews that he wants to say under the radar, and being elected leader was not part of that plan. So he's going to be as un-leaderly as possible. Everyone comes to him asking what to do, and he has no answers. Li'l Russell interviews that he doesn't like this at all and thanks to Mick, the camp is "a piece of crap." Although it's not like he's going to work to make it any better. Instead, he runs off and makes fake secret alliances with all the women in his tribe, which Probst claims put him "one step ahead" of them. Even though they all figured out what he was up to immediately.
Hey, remember when Li'l Russell burned his tribe's socks and dumped out their water canteens? Well, have fun watching it again! Obviously the editors used up all the Li'l Russell footage they had on the show but are determined to stick him in the "never-before-seen" clip show often as possible, so we're getting before-seen scenes. Li'l Russell returns to the shelter and the girls are cold, so they ask if he'll sleep to them for body heat. Li'l Russell is happy to oblige and rub their legs and arms for purely strategic reasons. He thinks that they'll think he'll do whatever they want because he's in love with their hot bodies or whatever. He says he's not trying to hurt his wife and kids' feelings, and everything he does out here is strategic. He has some trouble with that word, because apparently people from Texas can't say it ever.
Over at Galu, Probst says the "younger women easily connected with each other" while showing a shot of Laura, who isn't exactly old (although she is a grandma), but I wouldn't classify her as one of the "younger women." Since she's ten years older than they are at least. This left Shambo out. Laura interviews that Shambo is socially awkward and seems incapable of realizing that she's annoying people and shutting up. I know people like that. I think I might be one myself. It's really difficult when you know a lot of facts about subjects that no one else gives a shit about. But I'm half Shambo's age and I've learned to read a room and shut up when people's eyes start glazing over, while Shambo goes on and on about splitting palm fronds and collecting fruit while the rest of the tribe roll their eyes and look annoyed. John interviews that Shambo's "aggression" and "overt tomboyish behavior" seems to turn the "pretty girls" off. Um, okay, John. I have a feeling that you don't spend much time with people of the opposite sex. Meanwhile, Yasmin accidentally calls Shambo "Shamu," much to the delight of the Galu women. "What is it, Mullet?" Yasmin asks. They are being sort of petty, but if Shambo didn't want people to notice her unusual nickname and hairstyle then she wouldn't have an unusual nickname and hairstyle.
Back at Foa Foa, Li'l Russell finds a papaya and eats it without telling anyone else because he's just that evil. Nevermind the fact that I'm pretty sure this happens on every single season. Li'l Russell is very proud of himself for not providing for his tribe, which by the way went on to lose most of the immunity and reward challenges possibly due to a lack of papayas. He says that anyone can find these papayas and his tribe is stupid not to look. And then he says that if anyone does find his papaya spot he'll vote him or her out. So I guess you're stupid for not finding the papaya spot and you're stupid for finding it and incurring the wrath of Li'l Russell. Okay.
Guess what? Li'l Russell isn't so special. Erik found a bunch of papayas, too, and he's not going to share them with his tribe. Oh, and there are Laura and Monica, also eating a secret papaya. Back at Galu, Mick, Ashley, Betsy, and Jeffrey Tambor share a secret papaya and vow not to tell anyone else about it. In a particularly humorous shot, Erik manages to carry the entire papaya tree back to camp with him. "I'm not sharing!" he sings on his way out.
Galu wins flint and gets to work starting a fire. Shambo insists on doing it, claiming that she knows how and telling her tribemates to shut up when they offer advice. Yes, that's how to win friends. You're better off not starting a fire and being nice than starting one and telling everyone to shut up. As it happens, Shambo tells everyone to shut up AND can't start a fire. She manages to start a small one, only for it to go out. Dave Ball watches, annoyed and trying to hold back from telling her off for trying to start a fire in an incorrect and stupid fashion. Finally, Shambo offers to let someone else try and Dave Ball says he'll "take a crack at it" if they let him be in charge of the fire the entire time he's on the show. This makes Shambo very angry, but she backs off and watches as Dave Ball digs a deep fire pit to protect the fire from the wind. Shambo says it's unnecessary and rolls her eyes. "Dave's just a complete and utter moron," she interviews, explaining that he won't let anyone help him with anything. You mean like when they tried to help Shambo with the fire and she told them to shut up? Guess what? Dave Ball builds a fire and is the Tribe Hero.
After the break, we're up to the challenge where everyone beat each other up. We all saw when Ben kicked Russell, but apparently there was a skirmish between John and Jaison as well. Galu had just won the challenge and John was sitting on Jaison. He gets up slowly, which Jaison did not appreciate. So he slaps John on the ass and says "get off of me!" Very macho, Jaison. He accuses John of kneeing him in the chest, which may well have happened but not in the footage we're shown. The tribes get together so Probst can award immunity to Galu and talk about how much Foa Foa sucks. But Jaison interrupts him, which delights Probst for some reason. He usually gets really angry when people do that. Jaison says that he is "coming for" John for elbowing him during the challenge. I thought John kneed him? Now it's an elbow? Meanwhile, John just smiles. He doesn't deny it. Meanwhile, Yasmin's expression when Jaison threatens John is classic. This isn't any of Shambo's business, but she speaks up to say that the competition was "beautiful" and "amazing" (as Erik rolls his eyes) except for the part where Jaison threatened John. Um, what about the part where Ben attacked Russell and had to be removed from the challenge? I guess that might qualify as "amazing," but not so much "beautiful." "Jaison, let's leave the blood on the battlefield. Nobody needs to get hurt," she says. Butt out, Shambo. Jaison is still pissed, so he tells her to say the same thing to John as various contestants warn Jaison to quiet down. In an interview, Jaison admits that he was out of line with what he said to John and that is somehow connected to the fact that his grandfather had the misfortune of growing up in KKK-ridden rural Mississippi but still managed to get a Ph.D from Stanford, all without complaining. So when Jaison acts out, he feels like he's letting his grandfather down. It sounds so mature and wise, but then you have to remember that Jaison is on a stupid reality show so that's probably not doing his grandfather's legacy any favors from the start. Jaison says he's out here to prove something and winning is the only way he can do that.
Nothing happened until Day 12 apparently, so we skip to that and the chicken Shambo accidentally let loose around camp. It turns out that they didn't stop hunting for her after the scene we saw, nor did she leave camp. Instead, she's been hanging around and driving Erik crazy. She passes close to camp and Laura tells Erik, who snaps to attention. Then there is a hilarious sequence where they zoom in on Erik and the chicken and Erik prepares for battle while the rest of his tribe watch, quite amused. Erik stalks the chicken with his ass hanging out of his shorts and a large bamboo branch in his hand. He approaches the chicken as awesome suspenseful music plays over chicken sound effects. As the caged chicken looks on in horror, Erik makes a run for the free chicken, who takes off in fast motion. Erik chases her into the woods, but in the end he is unsuccessful. "Man, that chicken's fast," he says; "advantage: chicken. At least this time I didn't clothesline myself." Now why, exactly, did that not make the real show instead of 234,523 interviews with Li'l Russell telling us how awesome he is? Ugh.
Back at joyless Foa Foa, the tribe is huddled in the shelter as it rains. Natalie asks if anyone would quit the game at this point. Li'l Russell says "no way," unable to resist adding "I don't have to be here." He interviews that he's a multi-millionaire oil company owner and his tribe is stupid for thinking he's "this redneck from the South that can't do anything." And how does having money (if that's even true) make him not a redneck from the South who can't do anything? If the last eight years taught us anything, it's that being rich and being a redneck from the South who can't do anything are not mutually exclusive. Anyway, now everyone wants to know what Li'l Russell meant by that, and he slickly gets out of the hole he dug for himself by giggling "I can't tell you!" Smooth, Li'l Russell. Li'l Russell interviews that his entire tribe is stupid and he's not going to tell them that he's rich until the end and they'll never find out before that. Even though he just gave it away by accident. Oh, and then he tells Mick the truth the very morning. Mick congratulates Li'l Russell on making 1.7 million dollars last year and admits that he's an anesthesiologist. Why does this show have so many anesthesiologists? Why would anyone want to even do that? You study medicine for so long and work so hard so you can put people to sleep during operations? Although I guess it's better than becoming a proctologist. Li'l Russell spins his admission of wealth as a strategic move, saying that Mick will now trust him even more because Li'l Russell opened up to him. And he doesn't think Mick will tell anyone else. Well, that's stupid. Li'l Russell tells Mick that just five years ago he lived in a trailer and lived check-to-check. "That is the American Dream," Mick says. Yes, it's the American Dream not to be able to provide very well for your family until your daddy and brother bail you out by starting an oil tankering business with you. That's not an oil company, by the way -- they just own a bunch of ships and charge real oil companies to transport oil on them. Mick says Li'l Russell's money could be used against him at the end, but so could Mick's earning potential as a doctor. That won't stop him from telling everyone that Li'l Russell is rich if he thinks it'll help his own position in the game, though.
After the break, we're at the tribe merge. Erik comes up with his plan to align the Galu men together and bring Shambo into the fold while telling her as little as possible. Dave Ball finds her playing with a fishing net in the middle of the woods. He appears to give the camera a sad look before approaching her. "What else is new?" she asks him. Dave Ball has no idea how to make and keep allies, so he goes with this response: "uh, I was told not to tell." He could have just said "nothing" or "I don't know" or "what have you heard?" but no. He played it the worst way possible. Nice one, Dave Ball. He follows that up with "is that gonna be okay? Are you gonna be mad at me?" Shambo says she's not mad, but she's also not seven and doesn't see why her allies are treating her like she is. Fair point, Shambo. I really don't get her. Sometimes she's cool and rational like right now, and then other times she's yelling at people for digging a fire pit and losing a snorkel. It makes no sense! "How could I make you feel better?" Dave Ball asks. Shambo just scoffs at him. "Give me a direct answer. Make your own decision, Dave. Whatever," she says. Completely reasonable. Dave Ball interviews that he'd like to get rid of Shambo now, but his alliance has to keep her around for a little while longer and "just deal with it." He says she's "dangerous" and "unpredictable." So the best way to handle someone like that is to make her completely aware of the fact that she isn't liked and is being strung along for votes and will be cut away at the first possible opportunity. In fact, let's further alienate her by saying that the fact that she's "upset like this" (said while she calmly detangles the fishing net showing no sign of upsetment) "makes people worry that you will flip out." Shambo admits that she's angry but says "wouldn't you be?" Yes, Dave Ball, you would. But you and your allies have pretty much decided there's no reason to see things from Shambo's perspective. And now you're going to lose. Shambo lists off her many faults (she's bossy and loses essential survival items), but points out that flipping out isn't one of them. "We're trying to take you deep into this game. We're concerned that you will accidentally say something. And I want you to relax and know that we're taking you way into this. And I don't want there to be any problems," Dave Ball says. Shambo might be thick and oblivious sometimes, but she can tell that Dave Ball is being a condescending twat, and says that she resents that the men think they're doing her a favor by allowing her to stay in the game. Dave Ball quickly apologizes and says what he said was "unfair," but the damage is done. "Fuck you guys," Shambo says. "All right, now, watch out!" Dave Ball says, still treating Shambo like she's seven; "I see your feelings." Dave Ball, it's your fault that Shambo is getting slightly angry, which she has every right to be. You're treating her like both a child and someone with a mental problem. He asks her for a hug so he can feel better about himself but Shambo says she's not really in the mood. "We're good," she tells him. But really, she interviews that she doesn't need the Galu men to further her position in this game. And amazingly enough, she was right.
The morning, it's Day 20 and Erik is doing morning exercises and having chicken-chasing flashbacks. Ass still hanging out of his pants, he stalks the chicken with his trusty bamboo stick. The chicken, whose name is Daisy, stands at a distance and clucks at him. "Don't mock me, chicken!" he says. "You've got to be smarter than the chicken, not stronger than the chicken," he tells himself. And with that, he sets up a chicken-catching device consisting of the fishing net (they managed to pry it out of Shambo's hands), which has been tied to the ground on all four corners with the center portion raised in the air by fishing line, forming a tent-like structure. Then they'll put chicken bait under the net and wait for Daisy to wander in, at which point the fishing line will be cut, thus dropping the net on Daisy and trapping her. The tribe seems dubious but help him set it up, and then Erik goes out to catch crabs. Of course, Daisy picks this moment to walk under the net. Shambo sees her. "Chicken!" she cries. She cuts the line and sure enough, the net falls on Daisy, who flaps around but cannot get free. Shambo grabs her while Kelly, Monica, and Natalie look on in awe. Shambo grabs the chicken by the neck and they all applaud for her. Hooray! Shambo managed to re-capture the chicken she lost after all! Again, why was this not shown to us? This stuff is great! Shambo puts Daisy back in her coop, where she promptly fights with the other chicken, who is apparently named "Neo." That night, Erik returns from crabbing and gets the news that Daisy has been caught. He is ecstatic and even hugs Shambo.
Later that same night while everyone else sleeps, Li'l Russell gets up and opens the door to the chicken coop in order to "create chaos," as he explains. You mean like the chaos he created at Foa Foa? There was hell to pay the morning when Jaison idly wondered where his sock was and everyone was slightly annoyed to find the canteens empty. He doesn't even leave the door to the coop open, just unlocks it. Obviously that little plan didn't work since we never heard anything more about it and people were talking about eating the chickens days later so they couldn't have escaped. Li'l Russell then puts his immunity idol necklace on and walks around, staring at the sleeping tribemates like a big creepo. "I live on the edge," he explains. Oh yes, that sure is living on the edge. The fact is that it's totally dark out there so no one could see the idol necklace even if he did wake up. We can see it, but that's because we're watching night vision. Dave Ball wakes up and the two have a chat, Li'l Russell wearing the idol necklace the entire time and Dave Ball not aware of it because, again, he can't see. Also, he's too busy talking about himself to care about what Li'l Russell's doing. Li'l Russell claims that all Dave Ball had to do was "look at" the idol necklace around Li'l Russell's neck, so brazen is Li'l Russell with his display of it. Yeah, he'd have to look at it and the fucking sun would have to come up. And soon enough, Li'l Russell loses his nerve and we see him tucking the necklace under his shirt and buttoning it over it, then hiding it in his shorts pocket. Living on the edge.
The day, it's just before Tribal Council and we see some extended footage of the last-minute scrambling to get rid of Erik. The women tell Dave Ball, who then calls Brett over. "They say everybody's on board with Erik," he calls out loudly while Erik wanders around close by. "SHHHH!" the women warn as Erik turns and looks at them. But then he walks away so Brett gets a chance to speak: "I'll be completely honest cause you're the people that I trust. I know that -- I honest -- I don't -- I think we should -- at least give it some time to discuss. No, I don't -- Jais -- we don't -- it's not necess -- we can get him out time. Jaison, just, I don't want -- make sure we don't make a mistake." And that's why Brett doesn't get to talk on this show. Because he's obviously a babbling idiot. Erik walks by again at this point and everyone immediately goes quiet. How could he not have been suspicious? Brett interviews that he doesn't understand why his alliance suddenly wants to vote out one of its own. John tells him that there's no time to explain and all Brett needs to know is that everyone he trusts except for Erik is voting for Erik, so he should, too. "You gotta get on the train because it's already left the station," John says. Dave Ball says Erik is "cancer" and must be cut out. I love how this episode is basically showing us that Dave Ball is responsible for the fall of Galu. Brett interviews that he's planning on flying under the radar until it's time to "step it up" and "make a few decisions." How do people really think that that's a good way to win a million dollars? Airhead.
It's Day 23, and Shambo and her sworn enemy Laura are sunning themselves on the beach. Laura asks Shambo about her family, which she's about to seriously regret. Shambo says she has eight siblings. "Your brother passed away, right?" Laura asks, because that's something people enjoy talking about. Shambo says she actually has two dead siblings: her brother Terry, who died at three months from meningitis, and her sister Donna, who died from breast cancer the day before her 27th birthday. Yikes. "That's sad," Laura says, not sounding sad at all. Then, breezily; "well, they're better off." Um ... WHAT?? WHO SAYS THAT? I mean, even super religious people who believe that there's an awesome afterlife waiting for us don't say it like that and with that tone. And about a THREE MONTH OLD BABY. And then, still lying down in tanning position (like she even needs to be more tan), she pumps Shambo for details about her much better off sister. Shockingly, talking about her dead older sister who was newly married and had so much to live for before her cancer returned makes Shambo cry. "Oh, Shammy," Laura says with what sounds suspiciously like a laugh. She does manage to be slightly consoling when she says that Donna would be proud of Shambo, but she follows that up with a weak thigh-stroke and a few punches (I don't know) while she remains lying in the sand because apparently Shambo's sadness isn't worth interrupting her tanning session. And even that's not enough, so she asks her more about the dead sister. Shambo was stationed in Okinawa, Japan when she found out that her sister was dead. Shambo cries and cries. Laura: "come on. Where's our sunshine?" My guess is it ducked behind the clouds to get a buffer zone between it and the heartless bitch determined to soak up its rays until she completely resembles a leather handbag with fake tits. Holy shit.
Shambo interviews that what just transpired was not a "heart-to-heart." She was just feeling homesick and Laura took advantage of that to try to "play buddy buddy" with Shambo. Yes, because the best way to suck up to someone is to ask them lots of questions about her dead family and then act completely unsympathetic and even say that they're better off dead. Oh my god. "Superficial bullshit," Shambo says. But then it turns into Shambo's Victim Hour, as she talks to Laura about how the girls are "out to get [her]." "I think you're self-paranoid," Laura says. "I don't think I'm paranoid," Shambo says. "I'm telling you, you are. Don't work yourself up into something that's not there," Laura says. Can't this scene just end already? I'm afraid that if I watch Laura for too long I'll turn to stone. But maybe I'm just being "self-paranoid." Shambo says Laura's friendliness is all an act (and not a very good one considering that she was not at all friendly). "Don't make me throw up on your face," Shambo interviews. I'm totally going to say that from now on.
Four days later, Li'l Russell needs more cameratime. He's decided that he's in control of the entire game and Galu is going down for sure, so it's time to look forward in the game and start plotting against his Foa Foa alliancemates. He tells Natalie that he's sure Mick and Jaison will be gunning for her, so she should align with him and Shambo to get rid of them. Natalie interviews that she'll vote however Li'l Russell tells her to because that's worked for her so far. Li'l Russell also wants her to agree that she won't turn against him at the end because she doesn't want to go against him in front of a jury because she thinks he'll get more votes for playing the game better. "That's fine," Natalie says; "it's not worth the money to me to lose my integrity out here." If she actually means that then she's an idiot. Don't go on fucking Survivor if your integrity is important to you. Hell, don't go into "pharmaceutical sales" if your integrity is important to you.
Meanwhile, Monica tries to get Galu back on track after Kelly's shocking ouster. So she goes to Shambo and whines that she wishes Kelly wasn't voted out so Galu could stay together or something. "Well, it's not reality," Shambo says, totally over Monica. Monica says she thinks her best bet in the game is to stick with Galu. Shambo asks if there's a Galu to stick with, since Erik and Kelly are gone and Shambo is clearly not one of them. Monica whines that she can't trust anyone on Foa Foa, though. "Drop the bull about Galu loyalty, cause there is none. It's Puff the Magic Frickin' Dragon, okay?" Shambo says. "But why, Shambo, why? Why does it have to be that way?" Monica whines. Are these people really hungry or something? Why are they so stupid and annoying? "Because you guys chose to vote for Galu before Foa Foa," Shambo says. "That was different, though," Monica whines. She calls Erik "fake purple," saying he only helped Galu win challenges because it helped himself. Uh ... yeah, Monica. That's what you all should have been doing. Not you, though, I guess, since you sucked at most of the challenges. Shambo gets worked up and refers to herself in the third person, saying that Laura is just as "fake purple" as Erik for trying to plot to get Shambo voted out. "There is no fake, there is no real. It's Survivor," Shambo says. I guess she knows this better than Monica because she probably actually auditioned to be on this show while Monica was probably recruited and has never seen an episode in her life.
And for the closing credits, in lieu of the post-boot speech we have Shambo singing "Eye of the Tiger." And in true Shambo style, she forgets the words halfway through.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.