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Season 19 is in Samoa, where the coastlines are ragged and the waves are big and the waterfalls are tall. Watertalls, if you will. They're also much more interesting than our newest batch of contestants, who are either on the purple (Galu) or the yellow (Foa Foa) tribe. Before they speak to each other, they're asked to vote for a tribe leader based on appearances. Galu's votes are between Russell, who is tall and a man, and Shambo, who is a woman with a mullet. Apparently, there are some people on Galu with a great sense of humor. Not the majority of them, however, as Russell gets the most votes. On Foa Foa, the votes go to their tall man, Mick the hunky doctor. The leaders are told to choose a swimmer, strong person, agile person, and smart person from their tribe to compete in the reward challenge. Foa Foa wins it and gets fire and a good start in the game. Galu can't even get a shelter built without pissing Shambo off, but by the time the immunity challenge happens, they've pulled together enough to win it. Foa Foa also has a Russell, but this one really wants us to think he's so awesome and the most evil contestant ever, so he does terrible things like empty his tribemates' canteens and burn their socks. Also, he thinks girls are stupid. When one of the stupid girls (Marisa) dares to say that she doesn't trust him because he's obviously strategizing with everyone else, he immediately sets about urging the rest of the tribe to vote her out. It's the path of least resistance, and seven out of ten of them follow it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Survivor is back and I still don't have an HDTV to take full advantage of it! Thus I will miss out on some of the beauty of Samoa. It's not American Samoa, either. It's original flavor Samoa. And there's original flavor Probst, telling us that Samoa is one of the most isolated islands in the world. Yeah, Probst? It's called Tristan da Cunha. I think it's pretty safe to say that any truly isolated island in the world wouldn't be readily accessible by the Survivor crew. That's what makes an island isolated. Tristan da Cunha, for instance, has no airport or landing strip or even a harbor for ships. Probst claims that Samoa is "virtually untouched by civilization" which is a shame if it's true (which it isn't) because I'd hate to think that its first encounter with civilization is this TV show.
And here come our twenty new contestants, paddling in on their outrigger canoes in silence, as they are not allowed to talk to each other. Nevertheless, Probst promises us, first impressions are already forming. That's because one contestant has herself a sweet mullet, which really says more about a person than words ever could. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a mullet is worth a thousand pictures. That's one million words and all of them are positive. My first impression of mullet lady is that she's my favorite contestant this season. Possibly in the history of reality TV. "Dude, I'm a people magnet," she interviews; "people have gravitated to me my entire life." I'm guessing those people are hairdressers, and they're just trying to help. Mullet continues that people often think of her, "it's like, 'oh my god! This chick rocks, we love her!'" Her young attractive male tribemate (at least, they're both sporting purple buffs so I'm assuming they're in the same tribe) diplomatically says that she appears to be an outdoorswoman. I must give him credit for not stating the obvious, which is "oh my god I'm on a tribe with a crazy woman. With bad taste." Some ditzy annoying girl on the other (yellow) tribe says one guy looks "tough as nails" and she wouldn't want to mess with him. By the way, the girl who said is named Marisa and the person she was saying it of is Russell. This will be meaningful later. The tough as nails guy has a Southern accent and promises to make this experience as miserable as possible for everyone else. Go ahead and do that. Hopefully they'll vote you out sooner rather than later. Also hopefully most of your actions will take place off-camera because I really don't need another season of this show to be dominated by an unpleasant personality. I am very much looking forward to enjoying myself this year, and watching one guy antagonize others because he wants camera time is not enjoyable. Another woman on the yellow tribe says she's a police officer, and thus doesn't believe anyone. We'll see about that. Also I see that the tribes appear to be wearing clothing the same color as their buffs, which I really thought we learned our lesson about last season. Ugh. "39 days, 20 people, 1 survivor!" Probst screams as waves crash behind him. None of them knock him from his perch, though, so it's all a waste.
Um, what the hell is this? A one-second-long opening credits? LAME. I look forward to the new credits every year! Then again, I also look forward to this show itself, and that's been a bit disappointing lately, too.
Despite the brevity of the opening, by the time it's over the contestants have reached shore and are de-boating and taking their place on their tribes' mats. Probst plasters a smile on his face and welcomes them to Survivor: Samoa and confirms that the people with the purple buffs and purple-ish clothing are one tribe (Galu) and the people in yellow are the other (Foa Foa). Really, Foa Foa? They couldn't just call it "Foa?" Also some people are wearing red or orange instead of yellow. It's not the same. Probst says that right off the bat, it's time to make a decision as a tribe and elect a leader, because leaders are really important in Samoan culture. Unlike other cultures, where leaders are thought to be the bottom of the barrel. Since the contestants aren't allowed to speak to each other yet (except for any speaking to each other I'm sure some of them did during the casting process or on the plane to Samoa), they must choose based on silent first impressions. That seems like a good idea, because it's not like things that aren't readily apparent, such as intelligence, are necessary for a good leader. Law student Monica on Galu says she felt like "a deer in headlights." As she writes down her vote, she voiceovers that being a leader on this show is a "death wish." So I guess she isn't voting for herself. Mick, the hunky doctor on the Foa Foa tribe, says that as a doctor, he has leadership qualities.
With that, the votes are in. Galu goes first. One woman whose name we will not find out this episode thanks to the fact that there were no names in the opening credits so I had to go to the show website and find out that it's Yasmin, votes for the hot young alpha male, Erik. Of course. John, on the other hand, voted for the Mullet. She introduces herself as "Shambo." Probst: "Shambo?" Shambo: "Yup." It turns out that her name is really Shannon, but her fellow Marines gave her the nickname "Shambo" because she has Rambo's hairstyle and of love of bandanas and Shannon + Rambo = Shambo. Just because someone gives you a nickname doesn't mean you have to use it, Shambo. Last season we had a contestant who went by a nickname, too. It went badly. Some girl with blonde hair votes for Russell even though he's black. I always think people will not want to write the minority down because they'll feel forced to have to write something like "the black guy" in lieu of a first name. But the blonde girl cleverly avoided this by calling him "black jacket and dreads." Brett also voted for Russell, who does not look pleased at how things are going. And then there are two women in the front row who look alike and don't talk much this episode anyway. One of them is Monica and the other is Laura. I have no idea which one is which. One votes for Russell ("handsome man in the suit") and the other votes for Shamwow, as does Russell. "Guy in the back" also votes for Russell and holy crap I totally think I know that guy. What's his name? They don't say. If it's Dave then I know him. Weird. Erik votes for "better looking Lennox Lewis." That could be Russell or Shempbo though. Probst assumes it's Russell, though, and thus he is voted to be Galu's leader. He doesn't look happy about it at all, but it's his own fault for wearing a suit jacket. Suit jacket = leadership potential.
As for Foa Foa, the first vote goes to Mick. He is also wearing a suit jacket, so you can guess where this is going. Ben, some blonde girl, and actor Jeffrey Tambor (I guess those Arrested Development paychecks aren't cutting it) also vote for Mick, giving him the "win," while Tough as Nails votes for Marisa and her silly headband flower thing; Mick, another blonde girl, and the police officer vote for Jaison (with only the police officer mentioning his race in her vote although she precedes it with "tall, nicely dressed, Yale type"); Jaison votes for "Asian," a.k.a. Liz; and Marisa votes for Tough as Nails, who says his name is also Russell. Hmm. Hopefully one of the Russells will be voted off quickly so I don't have to deal with the confusion that will no doubt arise because two people have the same name. Ben interviews that even though Mick was voted the leader, he'd actually be the best leader because he's a "country boy" who shoots a lot of animals. Well, you don't have a gun on Survivor, so that skill is kind of useless, isn't it? Ben goes on to assume that most of his tribe consists of "candyasses." Meanwhile, he's a big, tough bar manager who lives in rough-and-tumble Los Angeles and was probably recruited to be on this show anyway, so whatever, Ben.
Probst tells Mick and Russell what being the leader means for them: first of all, they get necklaces. Oh yes. The position comes with jewelry! Also, they get to decide who on their tribe will participate in the first challenge, which is happening right now! These selections must also be made on first impressions, starting with who the leaders think is the "best swimmer" on the tribe. Mick goes for Jaison, much to everyone's surprise. Jaison explains that everyone assumes that black people can't swim, so he really didn't think he would be chosen for this. I think it's more like everyone assumes that black people who are cast on this show can't swim. Because they almost never can. Because the casting people don't just buy into the stereotypes -- they help create them! As it turns out, though, Jaison is a very good swimmer and was a college water polo player and on the National team, so he is the best choice Mick could have made. He's also one of the only choices. I mean, was Mick going to choose Jeffrey Tambor or short fat Russell? No. And the fastest female swimmer would probably be too slow. So it really was between Jaison and Ben. On Galu, Russell chooses "the young Brazilian-looking guy," also known as John. , the leaders must choose the strongest person on their tribes. Mick goes for Li'l Russell, who does look like a bruiser. A tiny little bruiser, but still. Russell picks Erik. Not Shampoo? Bad choice. For most agile, Mick goes for Marisa. Not, not "Marissa." It's pronounced "Marr-eee-ssa." No one else will get it right this episode no matter how many times she corrects them, but I just felt like it needed to be said anyway. Russell picks Yasmin, and Probst just has to point out that she is wearing "nice heels." Well, that's not her fault. The producers probably told her to wear them. Finally, the leaders must choose the smartest person on the tribe. Can Mick pick himself? I guess not, since he picks Liz, who interviews that she's sure Mick picked her because she's Asian and everyone assumes that Asians are smart. And that's fine with her, because she's cool with racial stereotypes when they're positive, although not so much when they're negative. Well, that shouldn't be a problem unless they have a challenge that involves driving. I wonder if Mick's decision was based not on the fact that Liz is Asian, but because his only other choices were one of the two blonde girls who are probably actress/models posing as pharmaceutical reps, the police officer lady, Ben, or Jeffrey Tambor. Liz was really the only possible choice there. Or he could have made a completely insane choice, like Russell does when he picks Shampoo. Galu is like "we just lost the challenge. Thanks, Russell." Shampoo says that she's "smart in the ways of life" but not so much when it comes to the ways of books. Especially if those books are about attractive modern hairstyles for the older woman.
Probst explains the challenge: it's an obstacle course where each section must be completed by a different team member. The first leg is a swim out to fetch a key and then give it to the "strong person," who will use it to release two heavy log bundles. He must then carry the bundles to the agile person and set them down in front of a balance beam so that she can climb them and get on the beam. The agile person must cross the beam while threading another key through a rope wound around the beam. She then gives that key to the smart person at the end of the beam, who will use it to unlock a bag full of puzzle pieces and assemble a statue with them. The first team with an assembled statue wins flint.
The participating tribe members strip down to their underwear, which is bad news when it comes to Li'l Russell. I do not want to see that. I'm also not sure why I'm seeing it, since it's not like carrying a log bundle is something that you can do better without pants on. Swimming, however, is something you can do better without pants, but John has decided to keep his jeans on. Obviously he wears Bad Idea Jeans. Probst calls go, and Jaison and John are off. Mick is very happy to see that Jaison is a much faster swimmer than John. Jeffrey Tambor interviews that he was very surprised that Jaison was such a good swimmer, since "Afro-Americans aren't known to be uh swimmas, you know?" Even if you think that, you really shouldn't say it. Especially not on national television. Also, why does it say his name is Mike and he's a private chef when he's clearly Jeffrey Tambor? Jaison gets back with the key first and hands it to Li'l Russell, who sprints to the log bundles. Meanwhile, John is having trouble running up the beach with his jeans full of thirty extra pounds of water. We hear from the guy I think I know about this, and his name is Dave! It's totally Dave Ball! I know Dave Ball because he used to hang out at an improv theater where I was the house manager, and he always rode his bike there and then I had to go outside by myself at night through the crack dealer alley to unlock a door for him so he could store the bike inside safely even though everyone else who rode bikes locked them up outside. Not Dave Ball, though. His bike was more important than everyone else's, and so he had to make my life difficult. He was a generally nice guy aside from that, though. A little creepy. Apparently he's a fitness instructor now? And his CBS site bio calls him "Danger" Dave Ball. We never called him that. Nor did we see him as a "rock and roll rebel," whatever that is. Anyway, he is not happy with John's swimming performance and wants to vote him off for it.
Erik gets the key from John as Li'l Russell gets the first bundle down. Erik tries to pick up his first bundle, and finds that it is really heavy. "Adrenaline coursing through that body!" Probst cries, licking his lips. Erik gets the first bundle in place and heads back as Li'l Russell has trouble with the second one. Someone on Galu cries out that he is "dying" and "out of shape." In the end, neither Erik nor Li'l Russell is able to carry the heavier bundle the entire way to the beam and end up having to roll it instead. Li'l Russell gets it to the beam first, preserving Foa Foa's lead. Erik dramatically places the bundle on the mat and collapses in the sand, which makes his leader very proud. "He had the heart of a tiger," he says. But the muscles of a gym rat, which means kind of useless in real world situations like this. Oh well.
On the balance beam, Yasmin appears to be moving quickly and making up a lot of ground for Galu, while Marisa's boobs are falling out of her top. She still manages to get the key to Liz first, though. Shambrella gets the key soon after, but Liz already has a good lead on her and it's a pretty easy puzzle. Probst tries to claim that Shampagne is making up all of Galu's lost ground, but she's still pretty far behind when Liz puts the final piece on the statue. By the way, those "statues" are much smaller than they made them appear in the intro segment. Anyway, Foa Foa wins and Marisa chalks that up to Mick's good leadership abilities. Probst gives them their flint and asks Galu's Russell if he's disappointed in his team. Russell says he is not. Probst says they are now "the underdogs" after losing just one challenge and not by much. Probst is obsessed with underdogs, but then if they actually turn things around and do well, he's mad. I don't get it. Meanwhile, John is so tired from his swim that he insists on sitting on the mat while everyone else is standing, which Erik does not appreciate, calling him "pretty boy" in an interview. Because Erik was cast on this show based on his intelligence and not his looks, right? You got out-strength-ed by a little fat man, so suck it.
Foa Foa arrives at their campsite and are finally allowed to talk to each other. Ben lets everyone know that he's a hillbilly and thus has a great deal of experience with the survival stuff. For instance: "bathrooms should definitely not be up from camp, they should be away." Dr. Mick interviews that Ben commanded everyone's attention, whether he wanted to give it or not. Dr. Mick is jealous at first, then perfectly happy to let Ben step up and be the leader and get voted off. Meanwhile, Li'l Russell sits around and drinks water, telling us that he has no intention of working when there are secret alliances to form with "each one of the dumb girls." Is he being sexist? No. We all know that this show casts a bunch of dumb young girls every season. The great part comes on the few occasions when those dumb young girls ends up being really good at this. Like that one time Amanda did that thing three seasons ago. Or Sugar. Li'l Russell quickly pulls the women aside individually and proposes his secret alliance. Does he really think it's that secret when no doubt everyone else sees him going off with one girl at a time to walk along the beach and talk? Li'l Russell is pleased to report that on Day 1 he has an alliance with "the dumb short-haired blonde," "the even dumber long-haired blonde," and "the dark-haired girl" who apparently is not dumb. "I like to call it my dumbass girl alliance," he says. I just keep waiting for an interview with one or all of the dumbass girls where she says that she doesn't believe a word out of Russell's mouth but figured she might as well humor him. But that does not happen.
Li'l Russell takes a walk with the police officer woman and says he's going to "align with the old lady." She laughs at this instead of finding it insulting. Russell interviews that he can tell that "the old lady" is much smarter than the stupid little girls, so his fourth (and possibly only real) alliance is with her. The old lady, who we now see is named Betsy, interviews that she's a police officer (way to say it twice in twenty minutes!) and thus can read people pretty well. She doesn't trust Russell. You really don't have to be a master of body language to know not to trust him, though, so I can't give her too much credit.
Let's see how the fire-less Galu tribe is faring, shall we? They don't have a short little fat man to annoy me, so they're already doing better than Foa-Foa. Galu's Russell takes his leadership role seriously and starts ordering people around. In an interview, he says he realizes that his leadership position makes him a target. Just because he was elected leader by a group of people who don't even know him doesn't mean he has to actually be the leader when Probst isn't around to insist on it. Russell proposes that they build a raft and then raise it up off the ground. It'll be the floor of their shelter. Shampoo interviews that Russell's stepping up was cool because she likes having a leader. Oh, but then things turn sour when John, Russell, and Dave Ball can't stop arguing over how to build the shelter. Shampoo doesn't like this. Too much talk, not enough action. John is revealed to be a rocket scientist as he interviews that it's good to step back and really plan something out before you start working. Maybe so, but not when you only have so much daylight before you have to finish the thing you're sleeping in that night. With the shelter building still not started, John advocates taking a five-minute break to think about it. Shampoo is about ready to explode. With awesomeness! And whoop-ass. Finally, she speaks up to say they should really just get started on the shelter and stop taking inventories of actions or whatever John is yammering on about now. Go practice your swimming, John. But before the work can start, John decides he's tired and wants to go for a swim. Everyone on the tribe joins him except Shampoo, although it's not like she's working while they're playing. She's just sitting on the shore and feeling superior. "All these people are in their mid-20s," she says. Um, not so much. Dave Ball isn't. Russell doesn't appear to be. I haven't paid attention to anyone else. Shampoo decides that she doesn't like Russell's leadership style after all because he isn't being assertive enough. That's probably because he's trying not to look like a domineering asshole so he doesn't get voted out immediately.
Night falls on Foa Foa. Li'l Russell tells his tribe about how he got stuck in his house during a Hurricane Katrina and when the levy broke his house flooded so fast that he lost his dog somewhere on the first floor. The dumbass girls say "awwww!" in unison. Li'l Russell tells us that that was all bullshit -- he never lived in New Orleans, isn't a fireman, and didn't lose a dog. Dumbass blonde Ashley (job: Spa Sales ... okay) tells us how hard it was for an animal lover like her to hear the tragic tale of Li'l Russell's fake dog. Li'l Russell continues that he was stuck on his roof for two days before he was rescued. He interviews to us that it's amazing how you can break people's hearts with a story that isn't even true. Well, that's because people are generally kind. To dogs. Also because they probably don't suspect Li'l Russell of lying about this because there's really no reason to. Marisa interviews that she really trusted Li'l Russell although she also noticed that he was scrambling around to talk to everyone and his Katrina story was clearly told just to get sympathy. Although, she says, the story is "probably very true and his dog and I don't wanna diminish that story but I just think that he was angling at stuff." Basically, Marisa doesn't want to look like an insensitive asshole on national TV if Li'l Russell's Katrina story is true. "I'm starting to feel like he's pretty slimy," she concludes. And while she's interviewing, Li'l Russell is off emptying everyone's canteens. He drinks some water and pours the rest on the ground. Um, okay. They have fire, right, so they can just boil some more. This is stupid. Also, wouldn't it be a better idea to drink all of that water so that you're getting the advantage of hydration at the same time as you're depriving the others? And wouldn't this be better to do after the merge, when the challenges turn individual? Oh, but he does throw a sock in the fire, which is bound to make someone uncomfortable. I thought people weren't allowed to destroy other people's personal items on this show? Russell says he's a multi-millionaire oil company owner. I bet he got the money to own those companies from his father. Anyway, he's not here for the money. He's here for the camera time, which obviously motivates all of his actions. People are saying he's the biggest villain this show has ever had and he's a sociopath or whatever, but he isn't. He's on camera, and he wants to stay on camera. He wouldn't do these things if he wasn't. And it's really frustrating to see that his mission has been accomplished, as the majority of this episode focused on him and no doubt many others to come will, too.
After the commercial, Foa Foa has realized that they're out of water. They know they didn't empty their own canteens, so they figure that someone else drank their canteens. Li'l Russell smirks. Meanwhile, Jaison can't find his socks so now he has a blister. DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Li'l Russell truly is evil. He gave Jaison a blister. Even though it now appears to be daylight outside, we're still in night vision as Ben orders people around, saying they don't have much time and a lot to do, like fill their canteens. Marisa doesn't seem to appreciate being bossed around and rushed by Ben, saying that the boiling water is still too hot to put in their canteens right now anyway. Ben tells her to pour it into coconut husks so it'll cool faster and "use a little common sense." Li'l Russell takes all the credit for this argument even though it's pretty clear to me that Ben would get into an argument with Marisa no matter what they found to fight about. Li'l Russell says he's running "the whole show" right now and his tribemates don't even know it. As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. The producers and editors are rewarding his behavior by making him the center of this episode because they think we watch shows like this to see nasty little trolls with horrible personalities get ahead in life.
Immunity challenge! The tribes arrive and Probst asks Galu Russell how he likes his tribe. He thinks they're all the best people ever. Ben speaks up and says Russell is saying things that losers say. The women of Foa Foa giggle. Sigh. There isn't one contestant on this show I like. This is going to be a long season. Probst explains the challenge: six tribe members will race across a bunch of A-frames with coils of rope that they will then use to pull a heavy crate up and onto a platform where the other four tribe members will disassemble it to reveal planks with parts of words on them that they must arrange to that they read "without victory there is no survival." First tribe to do so wins the immunity idol, which is a diamond-shaped wood thing with a cool skull on it. If Li'l Russell truly wants to be a badass, he should break the idol. Probst's head would explode! It would be awesome. But since Li'l Russell isn't a real badass and needs to stay on the producers' good sides to get what he wants, he won't.
Probst calls go and the six-member teams are off! Galu (Russell, John, Yasmin, Erik, Dave Ball, and Brett) get an early lead over Foa Foa (Ben, Mick, Jaison, Li'l Russell, and two blonde women) after the first A-frame but then Russell and Yasmin have trouble on the second and slide down, which cannot be comfortable. You know the crew of this show didn't sand those things down properly and everyone is no doubt full of splinters that will turn into life-threatening infections requiring a medivac. Galu is still in the lead going into the third A-frame, where they try to form a human chain to get over. Probst announces this and says it's a great strategy, so of course Foa Foa copies it. Meanwhile, Jaison is wearing socks as he competes, so I guess Li'l Russell's plan didn't work so well after all. Or maybe they showed Jaison's socks being burned out of order. Galu gets to the crate first and start tying their ropes together. They have one rope formed by the time Foa Foa arrives at the crate. When they start pulling their crate, Li'l Russell pulls his heart out because apparently when he isn't sabotaging his own tribe he really wants them to win. How evil of him!
Galu's crate is on the platform first. Shambourine and three nameless women start working on the puzzle, but Foa Foa (Marisa, Jeffrey Tambor, Liz, and Betsy) isn't far behind. Shampoo tries to think of a strategy while Marisa has already somehow figured out that one of the words is "survival." Foa Foa appears to take the lead. Except not really, since the reason why Galu appears not to be getting anywhere is because Shambo laid all the puzzle pieces out and looked at them before just throwing them down on the puzzle board. Also because Jeffrey Tambor is just standing there watching the other team and not doing anything to help out his own. Soon, either Monica or Laura have the puzzle figured out and it's just a matter of putting the right pieces in the right spot. They do, and Probst proclaims Galu the winners. They get together and do a lame team cheer ("Galu is in the house!") while Ben looks on and hopes they don't remember what he said about them being losers and give it right back to him. Probst gives Galu the idol and some flint and Foa Foa does the slow motion loser walk.
After the break, we return to Foa Foa. Meanwhile, we don't even know if Galu made a shelter or not. We don't even know who half the tribe is. The losers try to make themselves feel better by saying that one challenge loss does not make them losers. Unless it's the other tribe losing, in which case it does. "Today at the challenge? We lost and that sucks," Ashley says. Li'l Russell rounds up the women to talk about who should go home tonight. Ashley interviews that she's basically waiting for someone else to suggest someone to vote out so she won't look like the asshole. The problem with being a follower is that you never know if you're the one everyone wants to send home. Sure enough, Jeffrey Tambor suggests to Mick that they send the weakest player home, and that player is Ashley. Um ... what? It's actually Jeffrey Tambor who is the weakest. He didn't even participate in the physical part of the challenge (which Ashley did, and did just fine), nor did he have anything to do with the puzzle part. So I really don't think he wants to go around suggesting that the weakest player goes home tonight. He interviews that he's well aware that at 62 years old he is the oldest person out here and that makes him a target. I think what makes him a target is the fact that he's totally useless. Mike tells Betsy and Jaison about his choice of Ashley and why. They nod in agreement.
Li'l Russell, who insists on not wearing pants or a shirt and walking around in those weird boxer-brief-bermuda shorts that don't do anyone any favors, checks in Marisa about their alliance. She's not so willing to jump in with him this time, saying he's been talking to everybody, and that makes her "wary." Li'l Russell doesn't say anything at first because he's not clever enough to come up with an excuse on the spot. Finally, he says that just because he's talking to people individually doesn't mean he's "stratecising" with them. Is he playing dumb or should I just think that everyone from Texas talks like a moron? Good lord. Russell tries to play it off like he's just talking about being on the show and life and stuff with the others but he's totally not convincing. And yet, he then interviews that Marisa is the stupid one for telling him that she doesn't trust him, which he takes as a threat. He says she's going home tonight.
Li'l Russell runs off to the others as fast as his little legs will carry his considerable heft and tells Jaison and Ashley about how Marisa just "completely threatened him" by saying he made her feel uncomfortable. Ashley has a look on her face like "yeah, I kind of see where she's coming from there ... " Neither she nor Jaison say anything. Li'l Russell runs over to Betsy and tells her that Marisa is going home first. "Noooo, you think so?" she says. "Vote Marisa," Li'l Russell tells Jeffrey Tambor. "Really? All right," Jeffrey Tambor says. He's the first contestant we've seen actually agree to it, by the way. Li'l Russell tells us that he's certain that his tribe believes everything he says even though he already saw that Marisa didn't believe him and he thinks she's an idiot, so obviously the smarter members of the tribe wouldn't believe him either. According to Li'l Russell, though, they're stupid for believing him and stupid for not believing him, so they can't win. Of course, Ben is happy to vote for Marisa as he thinks she's a bitch, apparently based on their earlier altercation. Li'l Russell says he's the puppet master and the tribe are his puppets. And it's the lamest puppet show ever.>{?
Betsy will save us! She tells the long-haired blonde that he doesn't trust Li'l Russell. "Why is that?" the girl asks. IDIOT. Betsy won't give her a reason except for "a woman's intuition." Well, that should go absolutely nowhere. Thanks for giving me hope and then beating it right back down again, Betsy.
Foa Foa arrives at Tribal Council. Probst gives them the "fire represents life" speech and starts off with Ashley, asking her how it feels to hear that one of them is definitely going home tonight. Ashley says it's sad, but that's how the game works. "You know, it's whatever. It is what it is." Probst asks Li'l Russell why they don't vote Ashley out tonight since she doesn't take this game seriously like Probst demands. "I don't know how to answer that question," Li'l Russell says. Seriously, though. How about Probst doesn't ask potentially game-altering questions at all? Jeffrey Tambor speaks up and says that after tonight, they'll realize that this is a "dog eat dog" game and they're all wearing "Milk Bone underwear." Probably because Russell put their cotton underwear in the fire last night. Probst now orders Ashley to state her regret for her flippant attitude towards this game. Ashley will not! "It's a game," she shrugs; "you have to vote people out." Everyone did his best and unfortunately this time it just wasn't enough. Jeffrey Tambor says that Galu just got lucky and that's why they won. "Lucky?!" Probst says, outraged that someone would suggest that an element of this game is pure chance and not all strategy and alpha male cleverness. He says that if Galu hadn't solved the puzzle they'd still be there because Foa Foa wasn't even close. He turns to designated smart Asian Liz and asks if she agrees that it was luck. To appease Probst, she says that it was not and Foa Foa could have been more unified in the challenge.
Probst asks Betsy who the tribe's weakest link is. We're meant to think she's going to say Li'l Russell, but then she says Ashley. Ashley raises her hand and Probst calls on her to speak. Suddenly not finding this game breezy and fun, she says that it's "entertaining" that Betsy thinks she's weak when she does a lot of cardio at home. One good point she makes is that she was one of the people climbing the A-frames, so she can't possibly be the physical weakest link. Probst asks Marisa who she thinks the weakest link is. "There's different levels of weakness, Jeff," she says, then stumbles over her words until Ben loses his patience and tells her to answer the question. "Assert yourself and answer the question. It's not that hard," he says. "They don't like each other," Li'l Russell informs Probst. He likes everyone here except Marisa. Probst says that's funny, since Li'l Russell voted for her to be their leader in the beginning. Russell defends that decision, saying she has a strong mind and strong beliefs. Like when she told him she believes that he's scheming because he talks to people. "She just came right at me," he says. Marisa says that Russell told her that honesty was important, so she was just trying to be honest. Russell says that she said she didn't trust him. She denies that, saying she was "worried about" Li'l Russell. Stupid choice of words, as Ben immediately grins that Russell shouldn't be upset since Marisa was just truly concerned for his welfare. Marisa lacks the words and the thought process necessary to continue defending herself, so she just says she doesn't want to go home tonight and if she made herself a target, that was stupid of her and she'll never do it again.
Time to vote! Betsy doesn't trust Li'l Russell, but she writes Ashley's name down. Li'l Russell votes for Marisa, saying "if you play with fire, you'll get burned." Whatever, Billy Barty. And then some random blonde chick casts a vote and I don't even think she's on that tribe. Is that a crew member or something? Where are these people coming from? Probst tallies the votes up and returns with the urn. First vote is Russell's for Marisa. Second vote is also for Marisa. Third vote is Betsy's for Ashley. Then another vote for Ashley. And then a third for Marisa, who puts on a pouty face. Ashley gets a third vote. Marisa gets a fourth. And a fifth. She gets ready to collect her things and go. She gets a sixth vote and that's it. Ben makes a little gun shape with his hand like a douchebag and Li'l Russell smiles wide. Marisa leaves and Probst says that this tribe is obviously dysfunctional and hopefully getting rid of Marisa will turn things around for them. Except that it won't and they'll keep Li'l Russell around forever and we can have yet another season that's dominated by one annoying personality whose mommy didn't pay enough attention to him growing up so he's going to make up for it by getting attention from reality show producers instead.
And finally, is this "family moment" from Sears really necessary? We just saw Marisa's heart break when she was the first voted out and now we have to watch her dad saying how her entire family has faith in her and knows she'll do really well? That's so much meaner than throwing a sock in a fire.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.