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The reunion is the typical rushed affair where we hear way too much from some contestants and not nearly enough from others. J.T. wins another $100,000 from the viewers at home, with Taj and Sierra as the runners-up. Probst runs into the audience to hear from J.T.'s mother, Douche's "Lady Friend," and Football Star Eddie George. Then he can't tell Taj apart from her black bandmates, which is pretty embarrassing for him. J.T. admits that he exaggerated his feelings of betrayal at the Final Tribal Council in an effort to win sympathy votes and is pretty much perfect. Douche insists that he really did have an encounter with Amazonian natives and has the lie detector results to prove it, although the test wasn't administered by a reputable person chosen by CBS and just because Douche honestly thinks that stuff happened doesn't mean it actually did. But if they're going to let Douche take over the reunion show then you can't blame him for doing it. Sandy still thinks that she was voted out after Carolina because she managed to change her tribe's first impression of her, even after all the evidence to the contrary, and Joe is still boring. Spencer never gets a chance to say anything about his secret homosexuality and J.T. never gets a chance to say if he would have had a problem with it or not. season, we go to Samoa and hopefully fill the cast with some people who know how to play this game.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open the Reunion portion of the evening with a montage of J.T. being awesome. Let's all laugh at the beginning of the show when he said his only challenge would be to get along with his fellow contestants, and then cut to everyone involved with this show talking about how they love J.T. more than themselves. Never before has one man been so freaking likable. Even Jesus had haters! We go to the Reunion set, where J.T. is still basking in the glow of his win. Probst sounds slightly less drunk than before as he welcomes us back. All the contestants are on stage now, not like any of them will get a chance to speak with Douche and Football Star Eddie George in the house. Probst points out that J.T. is crying so the audience can laugh at him. Whatever! It just makes him more likable. And unlike the rest of us mere mortals, his eyes don't get all puffy and red when he cries so he still looks fine. J.T.'s name is revealed to be James Thomas, Jr., and he says he's really happy and Stephen is one of the best friends he'll ever have and this is the happiest he's ever been in his life. Until our wedding day, of course. What? I'm not allowed to fall in love with this guy? It took me all season, but still.
Probst says that J.T. is one of the most popular players this show has ever had, and all he's heard from the peeps on the streets is that J.T. = love and Douche = HATE. My faith in the taste of the American public increases somewhat. And there's our first close-up of Douche. He fake scolds the audience, and you can almost see the charisma he must possess in order to be able to sucker people into his bizarre fantasy world. Probst says it's okay, because people love to hate Richard Hatch so Douche is "in good company." "Oh, no," Douche chuckles. The hell? He's so normal now! What happened?
Probst asks J.T. if the people in his hometown have reacted the same way as the viewing public. J.T. says the people of Samson love and support him and are very surprised right now since he didn't tell anyone how far he got in the game, not even his parents, who he told he came in "fourth at best." Probst asks J.T. if the game was ever hard for him, and he says it was, so much so that on Day 12 he really wondered why he was doing this. "It's way tougher than it looks," he says. And he probably had the easiest time out there out of anyone, never going to Exile and getting almost every food reward. Probst asks J.T. what drew him to Stephen. J.T. says at first he thought Stephen was the last person he'd ally with, but after Stephen carried three melons to camp on that first hike while J.T. only carried one, he was really impressed (as am I, actually). And then as the days went by, Stephen proved to be a hard worker with "the best heart of anybody I know." Better than J.T.'s, in the end, since part of the reason why Stephen lost so badly was because he couldn't bring himself to say anything against J.T.
Probst asks Stephen why his and J.T.'s alliance worked so well. Stephen says their intellects really clicked, and they worked hard at camp and to win. Probst asks Stephen about the "inside mole" Stephen apparently told him about earlier when Probst was between Tequila Sunrises. Stephen says that Douche's relationship with J.T. really helped them, since he told J.T. everything he knew about his and Tyson's plans, which J.T. would then take back to Stephen so they could plot against them. "I'm the gift that keeps on giving!" Douche says. Tyson mutters something about not being given a million dollars. "Sorry, man!" Douche says, all smiles. If he keeps this normalness up, I'm going to have to call him by his preferred name for the first time this season. He hasn't mentioned Samurais or warriors once yet! Probst asks Stephen about the Final Tribal Council and how he lied to J.T. by saying he'd bring him to the Final Two, only to reveal to Debbie that he wouldn't. That's not quite how it went down, but Probst is drunk, so I'll cut him some slack. Stephen says that Debbie was clearly looking for a specific answer at Tribal from him and he basically gave it to her. Meanwhile, he points out, Debbie's question for J.T. was basically "J.T., isn't it true that you're the greatest person that's ever existed?" Debbie cackles loudly at her bitchy one-sidedness. Stephen says he felt horrible, and Probst says it obviously didn't hurt their friendship in the end. J.T. says that's because he was totally exaggerating his hurt feelings at the Final Tribal in order to gain jury votes. He says he knew all along that Stephen taking him to the Final Tribal was very different than J.T. taking Stephen. J.T. was pretty sure he'd win no matter who he took, while Stephen had to know that he'd lose if he took J.T. And I hope you enjoyed hearing from Stephen, because that's all you're going to get!
Probst turns to Brendan and asks him what happened to Tempura, who should have kicked ass after the merge with their majority. Brendan says they had too many people and too much dysfunction, blaming it on a clash of the egos between himself, Douche, and Tyson as well as Erinn being perfectly happy to switch over to Jalapeño. Probst turns to Erinn and graciously gives her credit for making the necessary "big move" to advance her position in the game. Erinn looks great, by the way. She says she knew that she had to play this game for herself, and sticking with Tempura put her at the bottom of a six-person totem pole, while flipping over to Jalapeño put her at the bottom of only four. Thank you, Erinn, and we won't be hearing any more from you tonight.
Probst turns to Taj and asks if anyone ever talked about getting rid of J.T. early on, since he was clearly such a social and physical threat. Taj says they didn't, because as far as she was concerned after the merge, it was her, Stephen, and J.T. in the Final Three. In fact, she wouldn't have wanted to win the Final Immunity Challenge because then she would have had to choose between Stephen and J.T. Those choices are difficult when you don't need a million dollars. With that, Probst takes a small wrapped object out of his pocket. Someone has already figured out what it is, and says "gross." Yes, it's J.T.'s tooth, which Probst held onto and probably slept curled up to every night since it fell out of J.T.'s glorious mouth. Probst unwraps it and we get a nice close-up. It's a piece of tooth, sure enough. He offers it to J.T. again, and once again, J.T. turns it down, although he says his mom might want it. Probst grabs the mic and heads down to J.T.'s nervous, yet very tall, mother. She says she's very proud of him and told him he could win this show for the last three years. And now that he won, she doesn't have to worry about him anymore. She doesn't say she loves him, of course, as we all know she's only said that three times in his entire life. I was expecting her to be a total cold bitch based on that, but she's not. Probst gives her the tooth, and J.T. gets all teary-eyed again.
Back from the break, Probst addresses Taj. He says he never thought the viewers would like Taj, but they loved her. Fuck you, Probst. "I was wrong," Probst admits, as if saying that makes him a big person or something. They put up a picture of Taj and her bandmates back in SWV's glory days, and Probst says she's "right there in the middle." Granted, Taj is wearing big sunglasses in that picture that make her harder to recognize, but she is clearly not the girl in the middle. That's Coko. Taj is on the left, and LeLee is on the right. Taj corrects Probst. "Well, whichever one you are," Probst says. Dude, seriously? You suck x1,000 for not preparing enough for the show ahead of time to get this right in the first place, x5,000 for not being able to tell black people apart, and x1,000,000 for saying "whichever one you are." But Taj is probably used to this kind of treatment from dorky white male talking heads, so she takes it all in stride. I'll be outraged on her behalf. Probst asks Taj how much of a "culture shock" it was for her to go from being a pampered pop star to having to fend for herself with little to no resources. Taj says she grew up in a city, so she had no idea how to fish or start fires or make shelter, but she got used to it pretty quickly and was soon doing lots of those things for herself and her tribemates. Probst then asks her to display her bug bite scars for all the world to see, just to make the humiliation of Taj complete. She does indeed have a lot of scars, and she says her skin used to be her "biggest asset," so it was tough for her to lose it. The skin on her face still looks amazing, though, so she shouldn't be too upset.
Probst says he has some leftover marks too, like "a little bruise" on his arm from where Taj attacked it when she realized that her husband was coming to visit. He asks her why she had such an emotional reaction to seeing her husband after just thirty days away from him, because Probst knows as much about love as he knows how to tell black people apart. Taj says she had never been apart from her family for that long -- not just physically apart, but without a phone call or email or anything. With that, Probst grabs his mic again to go talk to Football Star Eddie George, who has officially gotten more camera time this season than Spencer because the men who work on this show all have obvious giant man-crushes on him. Football Star Eddie George is wearing a very cool Team Taj T-shirt. Probst asks him how proud he was of his wife for being able to rough it out there in Brazil. Football Star Eddie George says he was elated to see her after thirty days, as well as all the weight she lost and "the glow in her eyes" that came from doing something she "really needed to do." But mostly the weight she lost. Probst reminds us all of how Football Star Eddie George started that fire on Exile so quickly. He says he used to be a Royal Ranger, which appears to be some super-Christian form of the Boy Scouts. Probst says to look for Football Star Eddie George as a contestant season, much to his surprise, and shakes hands with his idol. Simmer down, Probst. We do have some actual contestants this season to talk to. Like just about all of them.
Probst introduces a Tyson montage, which mostly consists of him being naked. Tyson today has longer hair and a silly moustache. Probst asks him how the Mormon community reacted to their latest reality show ambassador. Tyson says people are nice to his face, but they probably don't really love him that much in their hearts. But that's okay, because he figures that Jesus and Joseph Smith had plenty of enemies, too. Surprisingly, he quickly adds "I'm not saying that I'm comparable to those guys," showing that even Tyson's ego has limits. Probst turns to Sierra and reminds her of how her own tribe tried to vote her out in the beginning and never really stopped wanting her gone. He says he didn't understand why she was "universally despised." Sierra says it was hard to start the game at such a disadvantage and she always thought that she played the game honestly and whatever, but that's not what it takes to win this game. Also, way to wear too much jewelry, Sierra. All I can hear is bracelet clanking when she speaks. She rambles on for a while until Probst asks if she learned anything about herself. Even Douche appears to have learned something about himself, or at least how he comes across to others. But not Sierra! She just learned that she's awesome and strong and whatever. "I SLAYED THE DRAGON!" she screams, pointing at Douche. Douche, I have to say, is sitting two spots ahead of her, so, not really. And then we go to commercial with a Douche montage that I am happy to say includes Erinn's "who is this jackass?" line. It ends with that challenge where Brendan said no one had ever done anything like it before and Douche quickly raised his hand and said "I have!" and Taj did a hilarious double-take. If only Douche came in small doses like that, I think I might have actually liked him this season.
Oh, but then when we return to the show, we get yet another montage of Douche at his douchiest, and I remember how much he sucked. We cut to Douche now, and he's sitting there loving every minute devoted to him. Probst says Douche was "colorful," "controversial," and hated. But he thinks the audience missed Douche after he was voted off. First of all, we only had two days to bask in the glow of a Douche-free season before the season finale, so there wasn't time to miss him. And second, I didn't love to hate Douche. I HATED him. Flames on the side of my face hated him. But, you know, it's not his fault. He is what he is, and that's a delusional narcissistic weirdo. The editors are the ones who turned the season into the Douche show and thus made over half the cast totally forgettable and the gameplay pretty much non-existent. Probst asks Douche what the peeps on the streets have been saying to him. Douche claims that people said they watched the season because of him and they've been friendly and cool to his face, even if they might hate him in the back of their minds. Probst asks if his friends and family agreed with the Douche they saw on their TV screens. Douche says that they know about the "eccentric" and "creative" side of Douche, and that he likes to make his mark wherever he goes, be it Tribal Council with his feathers and suit jacket (cue Sierra eye-roll) or Exile Island with his heroic adventure (cue Erinn eye-roll).
Probst finally brings up the insane Amazon cannibal story while the rest of the panel and assorted members of the audience giggle. Douche is not giggling, because he has to pretend this stuff actually happened to him and it's serious business. He says he spoke the truth when he told that story. Probst says he offered to let Douche take a lie detector test to prove it, but Douche turned him down. "I wonder why?" Sierra says; "I already proved him a liar!" And now we all see why Sierra's tribe couldn't stand her. Shut up and sit down, you. Probst turns back to Douche, asking why he refused the test. Douche asks what it would have proven, and Probst laughs that it would have proven whether or not his story was true. And now it's time for Douche's Moment, because we all knew he'd have one. He says the show has "handled [his] reputation for the last three months," and he wanted to get some control back so he has "blind-sided" his "worthy adversary," Jeff Probst. Yeah, I'd say they're pretty evenly matched right there. Two older white dorks who wish they were cool and have an inflated sense of self-worth. Anyway, Douche went and got a lie detector test from someone of his own choosing, "one of the authorities in Hollywood," John Grogan! As the audience and the contestant erupt in cheers, Douche whips out a "sealed envelope" containing the results. He does a few warrior poses with it before Probst has to interrupt to tell him to get on with it before they run out of time. Probst opens the envelope and asks the audience how many of them think the results will be in Douche's favor. Of course they do! No way is Douche coming on this show with results that say anything else. Probst reads off question 1: "did you play the game Survivor with utmost honor and integrity?" The answer: yes. I'm guessing it was true, although Probst doesn't say so. Question 2, and Probst laughs as he reads it: "on your trip down the Amazon, were you captured by natives?" Answer: yes. What about the part where they beat him up? Also, just because Douche thinks something happened doesn't mean it actually did. Probst asks the audience if they believe Douche, and they cheer for some reason. Probst says the test seems valid and he believed Douche the whole time.
Finally, we turn to someone else. Unfortunately, it's Debbie. Probst asks her about being a middle school principal and returning to that job after playing a game where she didn't necessarily set the best example for her students. Debbie doesn't deny that she lied in the game, but says that her students understood that the show almost requires its participants to lie so they don't think anything less of her for it. What about when she dry-humped Tyson? How do they feel about that?
We'll never know, since Probst cuts her off to turn back to Douche and ask him who he brought with him tonight. He points out his (ex-) coaching staff, the author of a self-published book about Douche's fake adventures, and "a special lady friend," who is introduced by both first and last name. Might as well use both names, since she's going to have to get them changed tomorrow when she enters the Public Embarrassment Protection Program. Probst asks her to stand up, and this was all clearly planned in advance, right down to Douche referring to her as his "lady friend," which appears on the text under her name as she stands up with a microphone she just happened to have on hand. Probst asks her if the man we all saw on the show is the real Douche. Of course, the lady friend says we only saw Douche and not "Ben Wade, who I know and love." And whose fault is that? Douche is the one who told everyone to call him Douche and dragonslayer instead of his real name. But whatever, she seems normal enough although I'm not sure she isn't being paid or otherwise blackmailed to be here. Probst asks if "dragonslayer" makes it into the bedroom. "Actually, I slay the dragon," she says. Thanks for the mental image, Lady Friend. Hope Douche paid you a pretty penny to admit on national television that you had sex with him.
After the break, drunk Probst stumbles over the name of his own show and says it's time to announce who won the stupid Player of the Season prize. As soon as he says that J.T. is one of the finalists, I think we all know who won. Taj and Sierra round out the top three, but, of course, the winner is J.T., who says "day-amn!" He whispers something to Stephen, and suddenly, Probst has to address the rest of the cast. Quick! How's the leg, Jed? He says it's fine and makes a few jokes that show a heretofore unseen humorous (or, really, any) side of his personality. How's the modeling career, Sydney? She says "clients" are "inviting [her] back" after seeing her on the show. Is Sydney a model or an escort? Spencer, did you have a fun ti
me despite being kicked out so early? Yes, he did. Sandy, we'll come back to you. Jerry, do your army buddies make fun of you for sucking out on Day 9? Yes, they do, but he thanks God for bringing everyone back safely, because his god apparently has no problem with children being raped and genocides taking place all over the world as long as he can have a hand in the safety of reality show contestants. Candace, was that you in a commercial? Yes, it was. I thought Candace was a moron for quitting her lawyer career to pursue acting and modeling, but apparently she's doing pretty well at it, so good for her. And Carolina, let's rub in the fact that freaking Sandy outlasted you before asking if you can still enjoy the show even though you were only in one episode before your face was unceremoniously dropped from the opening credits. Carolina says being on the show changed her life and she just has to remember that she beat out thousands of people who auditioned to be on it. Finally, Probst asks Sandy for "somethin' crazy." I'm guessing he has an answer in mind, but all Sandy says is that she was happy to have a second chance to make a first impression or whatever. "You look good all dolled up," Probst says rather condescendingly.
Back from the commercial break, Probst is wearing a stupid necklace that has something to do with Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa. He asks J.T. what he's planning to do with all his money, and J.T. says he's not sure, but he's hoping to work with Stephen somehow because he never could have won the game without him and he feels obligated to him. Stephen gets all nervous and says they are not obligated, probably because he's afraid the producers will come at them waving contracts that most likely expressly forbid contestants from making deals to share prizes. With that, Probst gives us a preview of season, which will take place in Samoa. Unfortunately, Probst then starts talking about how it's connected to Treasure Island and has a "fierce warrior culture," so we can all look forward to some really cheesy tie-ins there. I'll be fine with anything as long as Douche is long gone. Probst encourages us to audition for the show even though the majority of the cast is made up of recruits and slaps J.T. on the back before taking off for the open bar. See you all in Samoa!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at