Episode Report Card Sara M: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Real Douche is Probst
By Sara M | Season 18 | Episode 15 | Aired on 05.17.2009
Probst introduces a Tyson montage, which mostly consists of him being naked. Tyson today has longer hair and a silly moustache. Probst asks him how the Mormon community reacted to their latest reality show ambassador. Tyson says people are nice to his face, but they probably don't really love him that much in their hearts. But that's okay, because he figures that Jesus and Joseph Smith had plenty of enemies, too. Surprisingly, he quickly adds "I'm not saying that I'm comparable to those guys," showing that even Tyson's ego has limits. Probst turns to Sierra and reminds her of how her own tribe tried to vote her out in the beginning and never really stopped wanting her gone. He says he didn't understand why she was "universally despised." Sierra says it was hard to start the game at such a disadvantage and she always thought that she played the game honestly and whatever, but that's not what it takes to win this game. Also, way to wear too much jewelry, Sierra. All I can hear is bracelet clanking when she speaks. She rambles on for a while until Probst asks if she learned anything about herself. Even Douche appears to have learned something about himself, or at least how he comes across to others. But not Sierra! She just learned that she's awesome and strong and whatever. "I SLAYED THE DRAGON!" she screams, pointing at Douche. Douche, I have to say, is sitting two spots ahead of her, so, not really. And then we go to commercial with a Douche montage that I am happy to say includes Erinn's "who is this jackass?" line. It ends with that challenge where Brendan said no one had ever done anything like it before and Douche quickly raised his hand and said "I have!" and Taj did a hilarious double-take. If only Douche came in small doses like that, I think I might have actually liked him this season.
Oh, but then when we return to the show, we get yet another montage of Douche at his douchiest, and I remember how much he sucked. We cut to Douche now, and he's sitting there loving every minute devoted to him. Probst says Douche was "colorful," "controversial," and hated. But he thinks the audience missed Douche after he was voted off. First of all, we only had two days to bask in the glow of a Douche-free season before the season finale, so there wasn't time to miss him. And second, I didn't love to hate Douche. I HATED him. Flames on the side of my face hated him. But, you know, it's not his fault. He is what he is, and that's a delusional narcissistic weirdo. The editors are the ones who turned the season into the Douche show and thus made over half the cast totally forgettable and the gameplay pretty much non-existent. Probst asks Douche what the peeps on the streets have been saying to him. Douche claims that people said they watched the season because of him and they've been friendly and cool to his face, even if they might hate him in the back of their minds. Probst asks if his friends and family agreed with the Douche they saw on their TV screens. Douche says that they know about the "eccentric" and "creative" side of Douche, and that he likes to make his mark wherever he goes, be it Tribal Council with his feathers and suit jacket (cue Sierra eye-roll) or Exile Island with his heroic adventure (cue Erinn eye-roll).
Probst finally brings up the insane Amazon cannibal story while the rest of the panel and assorted members of the audience giggle. Douche is not giggling, because he has to pretend this stuff actually happened to him and it's serious business. He says he spoke the truth when he told that story. Probst says he offered to let Douche take a lie detector test to prove it, but Douche turned him down. "I wonder why?" Sierra says; "I already proved him a liar!" And now we all see why Sierra's tribe couldn't stand her. Shut up and sit down, you. Probst turns back to Douche, asking why he refused the test. Douche asks what it would have proven, and Probst laughs that it would have proven whether or not his story was true. And now it's time for Douche's Moment, because we all knew he'd have one. He says the show has "handled [his] reputation for the last three months," and he wanted to get some control back so he has "blind-sided" his "worthy adversary," Jeff Probst. Yeah, I'd say they're pretty evenly matched right there. Two older white dorks who wish they were cool and have an inflated sense of self-worth. Anyway, Douche went and got a lie detector test from someone of his own choosing, "one of the authorities in Hollywood," John Grogan! As the audience and the contestant erupt in cheers, Douche whips out a "sealed envelope" containing the results. He does a few warrior poses with it before Probst has to interrupt to tell him to get on with it before they run out of time. Probst opens the envelope and asks the audience how many of them think the results will be in Douche's favor. Of course they do! No way is Douche coming on this show with results that say anything else. Probst reads off question 1: "did you play the game Survivor with utmost honor and integrity?" The answer: yes. I'm guessing it was true, although Probst doesn't say so. Question 2, and Probst laughs as he reads it: "on your trip down the Amazon, were you captured by natives?" Answer: yes. What about the part where they beat him up? Also, just because Douche thinks something happened doesn't mean it actually did. Probst asks the audience if they believe Douche, and they cheer for some reason. Probst says the test seems valid and he believed Douche the whole time.
Finally, we turn to someone else. Unfortunately, it's Debbie. Probst asks her about being a middle school principal and returning to that job after playing a game where she didn't necessarily set the best example for her students. Debbie doesn't deny that she lied in the game, but says that her students understood that the show almost requires its participants to lie so they don't think anything less of her for it. What about when she dry-humped Tyson? How do they feel about that?
We'll never know, since Probst cuts her off to turn back to Douche and ask him who he brought with him tonight. He points out his (ex-) coaching staff, the author of a self-published book about Douche's fake adventures, and "a special lady friend," who is introduced by both first and last name. Might as well use both names, since she's going to have to get them changed tomorrow when she enters the Public Embarrassment Protection Program. Probst asks her to stand up, and this was all clearly planned in advance, right down to Douche referring to her as his "lady friend," which appears on the text under her name as she stands up with a microphone she just happened to have on hand. Probst asks her if the man we all saw on the show is the real Douche. Of course, the lady friend says we only saw Douche and not "Ben Wade, who I know and love." And whose fault is that? Douche is the one who told everyone to call him Douche and dragonslayer instead of his real name. But whatever, she seems normal enough although I'm not sure she isn't being paid or otherwise blackmailed to be here. Probst asks if "dragonslayer" makes it into the bedroom. "Actually, I slay the dragon," she says. Thanks for the mental image, Lady Friend. Hope Douche paid you a pretty penny to admit on national television that you had sex with him.
After the break, drunk Probst stumbles over the name of his own show and says it's time to announce who won the stupid Player of the Season prize. As soon as he says that J.T. is one of the finalists, I think we all know who won. Taj and Sierra round out the top three, but, of course, the winner is J.T., who says "day-amn!" He whispers something to Stephen, and suddenly, Probst has to address the rest of the cast. Quick! How's the leg, Jed? He says it's fine and makes a few jokes that show a heretofore unseen humorous (or, really, any) side of his personality. How's the modeling career, Sydney? She says "clients" are "inviting [her] back" after seeing her on the show. Is Sydney a model or an escort? Spencer, did you have a fun ti